A/N - oh god, i'm only half awake and i need coffee and i can't seem to make their emotions play out the exact way i want them to. anyway, guys, trust the journey, because i'm trying to avoid any future problems between the two of them, which means taking the time for them to get together. also, i hope you don't hate george even if he isn't even going to be around a lot.
VI - AND SO ON
'What you have told me is quite a romance […, and the worst of having a romance of any kind is that it leaves one so unromantic.'"
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
DECEMBER 18, 2012
...
All clear-headed and sober, all independent and calm, Arizona got out of her new car and patted her sensible gray pants.
She had a new car. Her car.
One that was not a hand-me-down old truck whose keys Tim threw her just before running off to join the army. One that was not rented.
The endless possibilities, the awaiting patients, they still mattered even if she once had something here to hold her down.
She was feeling like a very adult-person.
The hospital's front doors slid open and she stepped back into this old familiar place. They had painted the front desks navy instead of the old puke-like beige. It was nice.
Arizona had put Callie down and let her go and all those other verbs and sayings that meant that they were both being realistic and moving on, she really had. No matter how unfamiliar and awkward they would become, Arizona hoped that Callie knew.
Arizona hoped that Callie knew that the way that the way she was good to her was true and honest.
She hoped that Callie wouldn't regret knowing her, even if things got awkward.
…
"Hey, Cal?"
Callie looked up from fiddling aimlessly with her phone. "Hm?"
Mark scratched the back of his neck, leaning on his car and glanced towards Cristina. She lifted her eyebrows.
Mark cleared his throat. "I heard from Derek, because you know, he's always getting into the chief's face about everything, and well, uh, I think he heard from—"
"Get on with it, Sloan," Cristina drawled.
"Fine, well, I think Robbins is came back from Africa. And she's taken up attending pediatric surgeon. Here."
Cristina and Mark both looked at Callie.
Callie looked back at them.
"I'm fine," she finally offered, half smiling at their stressed-looking faces.
"You sure?"
She rolled her eyes and flipped her now shoulder-length hair, walking away from Mark's car. "I'm very sure. Let's get into the hospital now before people start dying."
"It's not a problem?"
"Cristina being my roommate and leaving spaghetti stains all over the couch is a bigger problem then this. It was supposed to be my apartment."
"Oh please, help your friends out."
Mark and Cristina fell into step beside her, with Mark still fussing like a little old lady. "You two had a thing going on, right?"
"I mean yeah, I guess we did."
Cristina motioned for her to continue.
"But it was two years ago. And we were barely…anything."
"True, but we also know…that…" Mark glanced over to Cristina, looking for help.
"That you fall hard. You're too good to people. That you're a sensitive piece of tough-on-the-outside, crybaby-on-the-inside."
"Wow, that did not help, Yang."
"I'd like to think it helped express things a bit clearer."
Callie spun around, walking backwards in front of them and waved a finger. "First, I am not a crybaby anywhere, inside or outside."
"Just a big-ass softie who cries at books," Cristina mumbled.
"Everyone does that Cristina, everyone who has a soul. Second, I'm all grown up now. See?" She gestured at herself.
"I don't see it."
Mark squinted his eyes. "Me neither. To me, you're always that little girl that I had pick up off the floor from crying over that bitch Erica."
"Okay, we don't talk about her. Also, I meant that I…I know when to let things go now. When to stop giving. To, um, be careful. I've already lost a family and a trust fund; I'm not going to run around like the girl I once was and lose you guys too."
Mark and Cristina stopped walking just outside the front doors, staring at Callie.
After a short while, she shifted uncomfortably. "What?"
Cristina spoke up first, after judgementally scrutinizing her. "Nothing. I guess…you're right. We're proud of you."
Mark slapped an arm over Callie's shoulders, dragging the three of them through the automatic doors.
"Walk tall, Torres, walk tall."
Walking into the hospital, Mark caught the sight of Richard walking away with a blonde woman by his side, but he looked at Callie's light and carefree face and decided to not mention it just then.
…
Richard came forward to greet Arizona, all smiles and nice words and 'welcome back's'. Arizona shared an awkward half-hug with him and nodded at everything he was saying.
He clasped his hands behind his back and led her to the elevators, past new faces of nurses she no longer recognised, pressing on a button that looked way newer than the worn-down ones they used to have. Out walked Derek Shepherd and an intern that Arizona knew that Callie was friends with. Meredith Grey, she was called, Arizona was almost sure.
The both of them looked a bit red and embarrassed.
Arizona greeted them politely and they shook hands, giving congratulations and more welcome backs.
The elevator dinged.
They walked out and Richard led her into a corridor. Arizona followed him, and she thought she recognised the corridor, the way the patient room doors lined up on one wall.
And then she was almost certain that she didn't.
And then they arrived at the attending's lounge and once again, she was sure all over again of where they were going.
Arizona stood between two lumpy couches and a fancier coffee machine and watched Richard take out a new pair of navy scrubs and hold them out proudly.
"I'll let you change," he told her before clapping her on the back and walking out.
Arizona nodded and thanked him.
A few minutes later, she stared at herself in the bathroom mirror and smoothed out her scrubs.
All the days she had dreamt of wearing these scrubs that weren't light blue anymore.
And now she really was here.
She sighed.
"Arizona! So you really are back, huh?"
Teddy came bursting through the door with a big shit-eating grin and opened her arms.
Arizona rolled her eyes and hugged her quickly. "You were the one who helped me move back in. And then proceeded to have lunch with me three days in a row. You don't have to pretend it's the first time you're seeing me every, single, time."
"I know, but it's fun. You've been gone for so long."
"Urgh."
Teddy started up the coffee machine and filled her in a bit on the gossip. A certain Owen Hunt suddenly popping back into Seattle, Henry and her still going strong, Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey having some sort of back-and-forth thing…
Arizona leaned on the grey wall and listened, half-smiling.
"Anyway, I have a heart transplant in a bit, I gotta get going or Yang's going to kill me."
"Yang?"
Teddy pushed open the door and waited for Arizona to walk through with her. "Yeah. She's so bossy and eager, it feels like she's some sort of…undercover attending sometimes."
"Yikes."
"Yup."
They walked out of the lounge and Arizona wondered if anything was going to go back to the way they used to be.
And then just like any other morning, Mark and Callie were hovering beside the nurse's station. Arizona walked next to Teddy like nothing had changed and Callie passed along patient files and dirty jokes, laughing and nodding and within arm's reach.
Callie looked thinner. And Arizona immediately worried because what if residency was too tiring and she wasn't eating or sleeping enough?
And Callie's hair got shorter. It was bouncing just above her shoulder with streaks of blue in them. And the way she waved her arms seemed different too, and just…the entire concept of Callie suddenly seemed so far away.
Like centuries ago. Like a lifetime ago.
But then, Mark said something and Callie swayed around, and called her name, waved and nodded, and Arizona instinctively smiled back. It was just like before.
As if nothing had ever changed.
As if Callie was still standing in her bedroom after a new year's party with sunlight in her hair and sex on her skin. As if they were still twenty-something and wasting their lives away.
"Welcome back, Arizona."
Arizona was still smiling and she couldn't bring herself to say anything, so she just nodded.
Mark came forward too, shifting slightly in front of Callie. "Good to have you back, Robbins. Congratulations on becoming attending."
"Thank you, Doctor Sloan."
It was like they always knew that things wouldn't work out, like they were never anything more then friends.
Callie pulled on Mark's arm, mouthing something Arizona couldn't quite make out.
"Yeah, well," Callie cleared her throat, "We'll leave you to get used to everything again."
Arizona watched them walked away and swallowed hard.
She turned around and kept walking with Teddy and steered themselves down a separate hallway, even though this one led nowhere close to peds.
Teddy raised an eyebrow at her. "So?"
"So what?"
"Afterthoughts? On Callie?"
Arizona shrugged. "No thoughts. Why would you even ask?"
"Dunno, I thought…you might care?"
"I…" Arizona thought for a moment. About new year parties and postcards. "I don't know. I don't think so."
Teddy stopped walking in front of patient room three-o-two. "So…"
"Another meaningless lover."
Teddy shrugged in response. "Okay then." Patting Arizona on the arm, she gave her a more sincere look. "Good luck on your first day. I'm happy to have you back."
"I think I'm happy to be back too."
…
Callie felt like the human version of an Oscar Wilde-type dramatic yet Victorian monologue.
The lights were off in the on-call room of the fourth floor, far away from the orthopedic department that she pursued endlessly these days, and far away from the pediatric apartment, where she was sure Arizona was.
Far away from what tied her to herself.
She didn't know why she was bringing Arizona into this equation. She didn't care, not anymore.
Callie laid flat on the small bed and stared at the ceiling, the darkness swallowing her whole. She couldn't see anything, and in an instant of déjà-vu, Arizona's dimpled grin flashed by her eyes.
Only then did Callie realise, it really had been so long since she had thought of Arizona with this irritating nostalgia.
Only then did Callie realise that it really was true, the way people said that time heals and time washes the dread away.
Only then did Callie realise that Arizona wasn't as so terribly unforgettable as she once thought.
…
Arizona knew better then to waste her life away wishing for more then what she had.
She was raised in a military family. A strict moral code, respect, and a love for donuts defined her. She'll be alright.
Her hair was sticking to the sides of her face and she pushed them back irritatingly.
Arizona still had a pile of charts to complete for that slimy fossil pediatric attending and she still hadn't paid rent this month. Her parents were calling her again, trying to set her up on dates. An intern spilled jello over the same fossil attending's computer, and she took the blame. (Cue those piles of charts.) She'd also just lost a kid on her table during a simple appendectomy, and she felt like sticking someone's head through a wall.
The fourth floor was faraway from both the pediatric and the orthopedic departments. Callie seemed to be liking ortho, now that Arizona thought of it. She mentally approved of an image of ortho Calliope with a drill, all badass and confident.
And then Arizona frowned a little. She wanted to find Callie and shake her on the shoulders and tell her that she should be going into orthopedics because she loved it, not because she had something to prove. Arizona saw her better than Callie knew.
Arizona knew that Callie didn't know that she saw the tremors of insecurity and low self-esteem that bothered. Arizona saw her. Arizona knew that Callie came off as bossy and a bit arrogant sometimes because of the trembling need to not fall apart under the weight of insecurity.
Arizona so desperately wanted to take a hammer and some nails and fix it. But it was not her place to do so.
And all she could do was to flop down on a gurney in the corridor no one used, flip open a chart and sigh. She could only continue doing what was told of her. She glanced at her watch. Half past eight. Another day had already meandered by, and even as she was working overtime, she was only partly living. Only half-alive. Half asleep.
Sometimes, she had to tap her own head and ask herself, am I still alive?
There had got to be more to life then this.
She kind of regretted telling Teddy that she really was happy to be back.
But, weirdly, she didn't hate this. Being here, in Seattle, even as everything royally sucked sometimes, it was…comfortably sucking.
Or something else more eloquent.
Arizona was never good with words when it wasn't a speech about Callie.
…
Was it even true?
Or was it just the summer and the night?
The heartbeat that threatened to burst out of Arizona all the times she used to drive her old truck to Callie's basement and pick her up for pathetic rides. The way they fell a little every time they fucked before Arizona left for Africa, but never mentioned.
Oh god, was it even real?
Maybe it was just two dumb young souls wishing to want and to be wanted.
Arizona knew that people always did an awful lot of stupid things when they were horny.
…
Meredith Grey threw the new year's party this year.
Well, not precisely a party, more like a night to get drunk at Joe's. And Meredith wasn't even paying for the drinks.
So Arizona didn't know why Teddy asked her to go to Meredith's new year's party, but that was the least of her worries.
"Maybe you can go talk to her."
Arizona glared at Teddy. "No."
"You liked her. As a friend, at the very least."
"I did, that's true. She was a great friend."
"Is. Is a great friend."
Arizona didn't reply, instead, she watched the bells at the door jingle as Cristina entered, followed by Meredith and Callie. A bit of the fresh winter wind entered with them and Teddy shivered beside her.
"I'm only telling you that Callie seemed nice, and I know for a fact that she's a good person with people lining up for her," Teddy said after a moment of silence.
"I know."
"As long as you know. Then I won't push anymore."
Arizona gave her a grateful smile. "Thanks."
"You're welcome, Robbins. And now," Teddy wiggled her eyebrows, "I'm going to go mingle. Wanna come?"
Arizona gasped jokingly, putting a hand over her chest. "You have Henry already, Theodora! Take responsibility for that poor man!"
"I feel hot tonight! I won't do anything, I'll just…" Teddy paused, then raised her eyebrows. "Mingle."
Arizona laughed, shaking her head.
"You coming?"
"No, I'm good, the others are arriving," Arizona answered.
"Aw, come on. Since when have you been hesitant to pick up a girl and take her home?"
Arizona shrugged. "People change. I've changed. I've…what do they call it…matured."
"Huh." Teddy gave her a curious look. "Good for you. I, on the other hand, have not. So…ciao!"
Arizona shook her head amusedly at Teddy's back sauntering away. She waved Joe over and ordered a round of tequila just as the residents neared.
…
"And this is a wrap-up of another year where I've acted like I knew what I was doing," Cristina said as she downed a shot before even plopping down on a spare stool facing Arizona. "For the record, I most definitely did not know what I was doing."
Callie chuckled as she sat down naturally beside Arizona and Meredith sat down next to Cristina.
Arizona was surprised. She thought things were at least going to be awkward for a little bit before either Cristina or Meredith got too drunk to care. It was a very pleasant kind of surprise though, when Callie's friends acted although she never even left.
"Ignore Cristina, she's just immature and needs a bonk."
Cristina looked at Meredith with sincere disgust. "I need a bonk?"
"Get railed. Get laid. You get it."
"No, I absolutely do not."
Callie made a face at Arizona. "You can ignore them both. We're all like, three days past our bedtime."
"Oh yeah, residency's a bitch."
Arizona nodded solemnly, stifling a chuckle. "Whenever you collapse next is the next time you gotta sleep. It's up to the gods."
She kept smiling, even though she could tell Callie was holding back a little bit. But she was alright with it, because she supposed things were to be awkward no matter how, and this was already pretty much the best case scenario.
Cristina raised another shot of tequila. "Yes! Robbins gets it."
"No, she does not! Don't mess with your health, children," Richard threw into their conversation as he passed by the table, seemingly making a beeline towards the dance floor, "take it from a recovering alcoholic. Which is going to be you, Yang, if you don't control that tequila."
They stared at the chief's back as he started doing an awkward shuffling dance squeezed in between a raving Teddy Altman and an uncomfortable looking Derek Shepherd.
Cristina blinked.
And then she raised another shot, clinked glasses in perfect timing with Callie, and downed it in one go.
After letting a loud burp ring out, she sighed contently. "I like to keep my liver health on its toes. Is it going to be complete starvation or ten gallons of alcohol today?" Cristina shrugged. "It shall never know."
…
The moon was not full, and the people stranded beneath it laughed and clapped each other on the backs as new year's chimed.
A fair number of memories slammed back towards Callie right in the face when everyone cheered straight into January.
Right there, came feelings she'd thought she'd forgotten.
Callie stood next to Arizona and she turned her head, quite enough tequila in her veins, shakily set on attempting a conversation. She was going to tell her that this moment was awfully like the one just before Arizona left for Malawi.
Callie couldn't stuff the words past her own lips when she met Arizona's clear eyes, and they looked at each other like they were about to kiss.
It wasn't her fault when the adrenaline got to her head and she leaned forward to peck Arizona instead on the cheek. Callie pulled back to see Arizona a little flustered and she couldn't see past her alcohol-clouded eyes.
It wasn't her fault either when Callie couldn't wipe the dopey grin off her face.
"Happy new year, Calliope."
The words sounded like they were almost wrung out of Arizona against her will.
"You too," Callie replied.
…
Mark had finished making out with Lexie and dragged Callie off to the dance floor, and simultaneously getting her drunk.
Arizona stirred her drink and chose to stay out of the messy night bar for once.
It wasn't until the third song finished that Callie managed to stumble back to their seats. She didn't notice Arizona was there until she'd already flopped down on the stool, and then it was too late and she was too drunk to try to avoid awkward conversations.
"You know," Arizona said, half-smiling to the Callie that no longer knew how to sit up straight, "two years ago, we could stay up until three in the morning, even if it was in a crappy parking lot, and we'd talk about dumb things and all the things we were going to do with all that future."
Callie nodded confusedly. Arizona helped to steady her with one hand on the arm. Warm and enticing.
Arizona paused for a moment before continuing. "And now, I don't even know how to go up and say hi when you're sober."
I guess this is what all adult friendships come to. Mannered ways of reconciliating that only made things flow further away.
Callie looked up, cheeks red and eyes a bit unfocused. Arizona almost giggled at seeing Callie drunk for the first time. Her normal Calliope Torres wasn't adorable. At least, Arizona wouldn't dare ever call her adorable to her face (although she thought about it enormously).
"You look adorable right now."
Callie tried to scowl at her, but it turned into more of an embarrassed smile.
Arizona laughed. She was able to make her self stay away, but if it was Callie that came to her, she would never be able to make herself not be there for her.
Callie cleared her throat and her eyes focused on Arizona's laughing face. "I thought that putting some distance between the two of us would make you come talking to me sooner or later."
Arizona stopped chuckling and just looked at Callie.
"But it just made me want to talk to you more. And most of the things we used to talk about, I can't even remember. I just remember that it was nice." Callie sighed dreamily. "Really nice."
"I mean, it's awkward in the beginning, but we're still friends. And you'll probably only remember the fuzzy bits of this conversation, so I'm going to tell you a secret."
Arizona hooked a finger, encouraging Callie to come closer. A bit more quietly, she said, "Just because I didn't call or text doesn't mean that I've forgotten about you, doesn't mean I no longer care. I still get urges to talk to you, and instead I ask Teddy about you. I knew you aced your intern exam, and I know that your first solo surgery was lumps and bumps but that you hate to admit it because it really sucked."
"Oh yeah," Callie groaned, "it was terrible. Better than Cristina's c-section though, she was so offended. All she ever thinks about are hearts."
Arizona chuckled. "Everything has changed since I was here. The twisted sisters both found people for them even though they don't admit it. There have been so many new batches of interns that I can't remember the names and you've grown into a great resident. But I'll still willingly lend you my shoulders and ears, because you're the easiest person ever to talk to and I trust you and I just missed you in general."
Arizona sighed. "I'll always be your friend, if you'd want me to."
Callie giggled in a daze. "It's never too late to rebuild that, right?"
"It never is," Arizona said as she pried Callie's fingers away from the glass of tequila. "But you, Calliope, need to step drinking for a little."
"Nooo," Callie groaned, "Give me my alcohol!"
"Do you want to get kidnapped by a scary man as you are calling a uber all drunk?"
Callie contemplated the possibility for a moment. And then she shrugged, stealing her tequila back when Arizona wasn't looking. "It's okay. You'll carry me home. I trust you."
Arizona made a move to take the drink back, but stopped. Instead, she smiled a little and, uncharacteristically, her ears turned pink. "Fine," she grumbled, "Drink your tequila. But not too much. Only because I'm your super reliable and fucking awesome friend."
…
Signs flickered overhead and Arizona held onto Callie's waist, holding her up.
"You guys gonna be fine?"
Arizona smiled politely at Mark, who was in turn, holding up his own Lexie Grey to take care of. "I'm sure, Mark. Calliope's safe with me."
"You know where she lives?"
Arizona opened her mouth, and then closed it hesitantly. She didn't know where Callie lived.
Although reading her mind, Mark stumbled closer just as a cab pulled up in front of them. He ushered them on and gave the driver Callie's address and a hard and slightly threatening look. Scary, but seemed to ensure that the little moustached man would deliver them home safely.
He stumbled away with Lexie, and just as Arizona turned around, she caught Callie in her arms, her face suddenly buried in surprisingly good-smelling hair.
"I missed you," Callie mumbled into her shoulder, "Even if I never told anyone."
"Me too, trust me."
"And I talked to you…and I realised just how much I missed talking to you."
Arizona kept her arms wrapped around her tightly, because honestly, she was sure that if she let go, Callie might just go crashing to the floor. She felt a little fluttering in her chest when Callie had spoken a few moments ago.
"But I've become better at adulting, Arizona." Callie grumbled a few words she couldn't quite make out, and then a few she did make out. "I've grown up. I'm not the little girl you can move with a few meaningful conversations anymore."
"I know," Arizona said silently. "Let's get on that cab first, okay?"
The yellow car zoomed along the streets and Callie mumbled a few incomprehensible words with her head on Arizona's shoulder.
Arizona breathed in the night air from the rolled-down windows and felt free. It had been a nice night up to now, reconnecting with friends and stepping into a new year even though it didn't feel like it.
She was sure they had left her loneliness and rationality behind somewhere around a corner as the cab sped along faster. She was glad they did.
…
"You moved."
It wasn't a question, more of a statement.
Callie had steadied herself a bit on the cab and came to her senses enough to lead Arizona up the stairs to her studio apartment.
"I did, a few months ago," Callie replied, no longer giggling or dreamy. "But the walls aren't painted and I'm missing a lot of furniture, and there are boxes lying around everywhere."
Arizona chuckled quietly. "You were never the best at sorting things out."
"Yeah. It was you that was good at this stuff."
Her keys jingled and the door clicked open as Callie continued, "You can go now if you want, don't feel like you're forced to stay with me. I'm still a bit woozy, but I'm not drunk, trust me." Jokingly, she added, "No old scary dude is going to pop out and murder me in my own house, don't worry. Only Cristina, if she ever plans on coming back from Owen's."
As Arizona entered, she saw a couple cardboard boxes sitting in between the kitchen and the bed.
"Oh look, you have an actual bed!"
Callie laughed, "I do."
Arizona walked up beside her. "Also, I don't feel forced to stay with you. I feel like staying with you."
The smile on Callie's face faded the tiniest bit as an equally tiny bit of surprise replaced it.
"And…" Arizona said as she gestured towards the small balcony she knew Callie always wanted to have, "Someone was talking about catching up between friends just moments ago, right?"
…
"You always did like staring at the sky and doing nothing."
"My favourite way for friendships to form," Callie answered.
The metal straps of Arizona's watch have long since become cold with the night, and the carton of brightly colored orange juice standing between the two of them was strangely out of place on the rusty balcony of this old building, three floors away from the top. A single cigarette was in her front pocket, but Arizona didn't want to take it out.
Things were strange, but the awkwardness was also managing to give way to other things.
A hand snaked its way out from under the blue blanket that Callie wrapped around herself and picked up the carton. "You want, Arizona?"
Arizona nodded, holding out the two plastic cups for Callie to fill in. She stared at the red plastic of the cups that reminded her so much of those parties that she thought was the height of coolness back in high school. That, and the fields beside the highways.
Those cups were only pieces of man-made hazards to the environment. Not unlike those parties.
"Thanks."
Callie nodded and took one of the cups from Arizona, turning back around.
Arizona glanced at Callie from the corner of her eye before quickly taking a sip of wine and raising her head up towards the sky again. The city has stopped. They both knew better than to sit here. Surely, they both knew better than this.
But Arizona still took sips too often and pretended not to look at Callie.
She wanted to laugh because she was sure Mark thought they were fucking. Or something sinful of the sort.
He couldn't be more wrong.
She couldn't even gather the nerve to brush her hand against Callie's.
"Are you cold?"
Arizona glanced at Callie again. She was still not looking at her, only at the steely, stony, crescent moon hanging on top of their heads.
"Because you look like you're going to start shivering."
Arizona shrugged. Cold was nothing she couldn't deal with. Callie shrugged in response too, and took another sip from her red cup. The lone lamp that hangs from the wall behind them casted a ray of light onto Callie's neck. Arizona wanted to lick it off. And they sat there, Callie looked at the moon and Arizona looked at her. No time passed, only a pigeon that paused on the banister in front them and flew away again.
Arizona glanced at Callie once more. Her insides went over a speed bump when she saw that Callie was already looking. To her silent disappointment, Callie's eyes dropped to her cup almost immediately.
"You look cold," Callie murmured. Arizona raised an eyebrow even though Callie couldn't see it, she was sure. "Come on," she said, lifting a corner of her blanket and flapping like a child pretending to be a superhero. "We can share my blanket. I'm too lazy to go back in and get another one."
Arizona regarded her amusedly for a second, even though she was sure she shouldn't, and nodded. "Thanks."
Callie smiled crookedly and held the blanket open for Arizona to join her. Sitting on the cold cement on a September night was undoubtedly not her smartest choice, Arizona thought as she got up and moved closer to Callie, but it was one certainly one that turned out very much alright. She threw her half of the blanket around herself and settled next to her, their sides pressed together like the tiniest bit of air would be some scandalous crime. This was the closest they have been in so long, and Arizona could feel Callie's soft warmth seeping through the thin little tank top she wore. Arizona could see the place where her white shirt pressed against Callie's bare arm, but she couldn't feel it.
She would gladly let Callie be the last thing she touched before the sky opened up and swallowed her whole. It did always feel that way at night, that the sky was opening up and swallowing them whole in all its blank blackness.
The sky would do both of them a favour it was really to swallow Arizona. Or maybe one of the stars that litter it could fall down and crash. Or if the wind would just blow a little harder and whip her away. Something, anything, should happen before she accepted the drunkenness of the night and committed to it. Before she lost the fight and passed an arm around Callie's shoulders or Callie's waist.
A quiet little 'ooh' pulled her out of her thoughts.
"Hm?" Arizona's head swivelled around at Callie again, finding her to be looking down to the streets. "Do you want me to go?"
"No, no, that's not what I meant."
"Oh."
"There's three birds sitting on that telephone wire. Make a wish."
"Oh," Arizona smiled at Callie's serious face. "A wish, huh? Aren't I supposed to be the one with the stories for kids?"
Callie shrugged and finished off her cup. "Take every opportunity you have to make wishes, I say. It's nice to believe in a bit of magic. You never know, right?"
"Guess so."
"So. Make a wish."
"Are you going to make one too?"
Callie smiled and flicked the empty cup away. "Of course."
Arizona watched Callie as she closed her eyes and raised her head and moved her lips silently, telling her wish to the cold moon. Arizona watched for another moment, and then closed her eyes too. But as hard as she concentrated on Callie's warmth like it was the first time she'd felt warm, as much as she forced herself to accept the cold prickling her face, she couldn't find a wish to wish for. She cracked open an eye and peaked at Callie's rosy cheeks, red from the chill.
"There," Callie said quietly. She tilted her head and Arizona quickly closed her eyes again and pretended to have some grand wish for herself, moving her mouth to the rhythm of the loud beating of her heart. When she opened her eyes again, she found Callie looking at her with a happier look she had done the whole night, and she decided that faking a wish was the right choice.
"Made a wish?"
"Yup," Arizona nodded, "Such a wish."
"It feels nice, doesn't it?"
Arizona couldn't help but smile at Callie. "It did." And at least with that, she wasn't lying.
A comfortable relationship, no matter friendship or love or something else, was this.
It was being able to not say anything for the whole time, but also being able to say something any time in between.
At some point, she sat there beside Callie and liked the feeling of that one instance so much that she softened a little inside.
…
Arizona wasn't sure for how long they sat there.
There were a lot of wonderful things in this world, if people took the time to slow down and really look.
It was in the ways friends say 'oh no, I can't find my car keys' and then pat themselves up and down frantically as they have the key right in their hands. It was in the way restaurants had colourful candies in glass bowls and she always secretly stuffed at least four into her pockets. It was in the way people liked to mash their food holes together to express passionate emotions.
But most importantly, it was in the way a twenty-nine-year-old Callie suddenly grinned and the way it absolutely killed Arizona.
"You're better then both tequila and porn," Callie sighed, "God, you weren't kidding when you said you were a good friend. It's been such a while since I had someone who liked just sitting beside me and look at the same things I look at."
Arizona just smiled and patted her gently on the arm.
…
Things only got better because they wanted them to.
Teddy threw a baby carrot onto Mark's forehead. "The man-whore settling down." She sighed. "God, the world really is turning upside-down."
The baby carrots in the cafeteria were never very fresh anyway, it was okay. Around the table, Mark scowled and rubbed his forehead.
"And my other half is getting the moves in with McDreamy," Cristina grumbled as she poked at her salad. "Callie and I are just getting left behind by all you shiny happy people."
Arizona almost choked on her orange juice. "Hunt is hitting Shepherd up? What the hell did I miss? I've been back for two months!"
"Ew, no, what?" Cristina made a face. "No, no, no, oh god no. I was talking about Mer and Derek."
"Oh."
"Yup," Callie said, "Mer and her are soulmates, Mer and Derek are a couple."
"Oh. Yeah. Mhm." Arizona nodded. "That totally explains it."
"How 'bout you, Callie? How you feeling?" Teddy finished bickering with Mark and turned to her.
Callie sighed into her straw. "Is horny a valid emotion? Because I'm horny." She groaned. "Sorry, now I just sound gay and bitter. Well, bi. But gay."
"It's fine, we get you."
"And I can always help you out again," Mark offered as he wiggled his eyebrows. Another baby carrot hit his head and he yelped.
Teddy high-fived Arizona.
"Well, O'Malley is still single from what I hear," he grumbled. "He's cute. I wouldn't be against it."
"Yeah," Cristina chimed in, "I mean, if he's been clear about wanting to pursue you for months, he can't be that bad of a guy, can he?"
"He can seduce you with cute and nerdy little science facts."
Arizona snorted into her drink.
And then she looked at Callie's thoughtful face and silently made a decision.
"Besides, you can't survive on your coffee alone," Teddy said, "or you'll die young and lonely and overdosed on caffeine."
Arizona finally piped up. "She's right, Calliope. And you deserve something good for a change."
…
A week later, Arizona hummed in her car. She knew Callie would love the song playing on the radio. It was a day off for most of them, and she was in the best mood she had been for weeks.
Knocking on Callie's door, Arizona heard a muffled 'come in'. She opened the door that wasn't locked and found Callie sitting in the middle of the floor, head bent seemingly very uncomfortably and arms held at peculiar angles.
"Hey," Arizona said as she walked further into the apartment, looking around confusedly, "what the hell are you looking at?"
Callie lifted her head, breaking into a smile. "Applying mascara. The mirror in the bathroom is covered in toothpaste because Cristina thought that it would be a good revenge to pull after I threw away her week-old pizza. So…" she waved a tiny pocket mirror, "I gotta use this thing."
"Okay, gross, and also, wow, poor you. Do you want me to give Yang some boring pediatric cases? I'm sure she'll hate it."
Callie laughed. "No, it's fine, don't torture those poor children."
"And who are you putting makeup on for?"
Callie scrambled up, blushing a little. "Well, uh, I listened to your advice, and I'm going on a date with George." Seeing Arizona's blank face, she added, "O'Malley. That intern that was asking me out for months."
"Oh." Arizona blinked. "Yeah. Uh-huh. I know who he is."
"Hey, why did you come?" Callie quickly added, "Not that you're not always welcome. Sorry, my thought-to-speech filter was always a bit defective."
Arizona shook her head, trying to clear it, and chuckled. "I, uh, I was going to buy…paint. Yeah, paint."
"Paint?"
"Yeah, to paint my, uh, walls. My apartment's new, you know, and ever since I came back from Malawi…" She waved her hand making a face. "Anyways, you said you wanted to change something, to paint your walls too… I was wondering if you had decided? Maybe, um, I can get some for you too?"
Completely oblivious, Callie frowned. "Hmm, that's true. I don't know…I was thinking…grey? Or purple? Mark said dark blue, and George told me to leave it white, but I think that's boring…"
"What?" Arizona looked momentarily offended. "No! Paint it something brighter! Way brighter! Like…like light yellow? Or light pink. Or cream."
"That's an easter basket. I don't want to live in an easter basket."
"But you're okay with living in a bat cave?"
"It's edgy. It has personality."
Arizona glared at Callie. "Fine. I'll let you think about that. But hurry up now, you don't want to be late," she swallowed, "for your date with O'Malley."
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to apply makeup without a mirror?"
"Urgh. You're so needy." Arizona rolled her eyes and waved her hand. "Come here, I'll do it for you." She still couldn't help but smile a little bit when Callie stumbled up from her position on the floor, grumbling about her right leg falling asleep.