February 6th, 2021

The first few days of being signed into a label were more hectic than I expected. I thought it was just going to be a few hours of paperwork, of contract negotiations, and all of the legal details. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I had to meet with everyone that worked in SHINE Entertainment, from owners, to the owners' owners, to the producers, and to the other signed artists.

Meeting Sarah Fortune was a breeze, I'd already met up with her once and had a conversation with her on more than one occasion. She was a determined woman, with a passion for music and creation as fiery as her hair.

Taric Lightshield was an interesting man. And a perfect compliment to Sarah's personality. Where Sarah was brusque and brash, Taric was balanced and eloquent. But more than that, there was a cunning to him that I struggled to place. I guess it made sense, considering he was the CEO.

SHINE Entertainment was a subsidiary of Capitol Records, and meeting the people that managed Capitol Records wasn't exactly a dream come true for me. They were the people that were deciding how much I was worth, and whether or not I was even worth an investment of their own time and money. But I did my best to give a good first impression, which I think I succeeded on. Especially considering the fact that they didn't boot me from the label in an instant.

The one thing that was a dream come true, however, was meeting Pentakill.

While I wasn't the biggest fan of their genre, I greatly respected them as artists and musicians that all sought to expand the horizons of their genre, to push the boundaries of music and evolve music as a whole. Unfortunately, because of how busy they were, there was hardly any time for me to meet them. It was nothing more than a quick introduction and short talk about myself as a person.

The company also had more than a few producers signed to them, and while I was certain that they were all talented in their own right, I didn't take too well with having other producers touch my songs. They were personal, and I was of the opinion that someone would have to get close to me before they could work with me on any song.

It was a good thing that both Sarah and Taric shared my sentiment.

"So," Taric began, his voice crackling over the speakers. "Let's finally get to the most important stuff: your music."

I bobbed my head. "Right."

"I suppose I'll just cut straight to the chase." Taric cleared his throat. "The goal is for you to have a completed album by summer."

"A summer album?"

"The release date won't dictate the sonics of your album," Sarah clarified. "Write what you want. Produce what you want. Like I said earlier: SHINE is a company that's artist-first, which is what separates us from Capitol Records. The only thing that we ask of our artists is to meet their deadlines."

"In regards to the content of the album itself, it'll be on an approval-basis," Taric explained. "You'll send Sarah and I a demo of the lead single for your EP, and we'll judge whether or not it meets the standard."

"The standard?" I repeated.

Sarah winked. "It's not a hard one to beat. Once you figure it out, then it'll be as clear as day why it's the one standard we have with our artists."

"Oh…" I rubbed the back of my neck, already wondering what it was. "Okay. That sounds reasonable."

"Good." Taric smiled. "Alright, all your paperwork is in the final stages of being squared away. By tomorrow, you'll be the newest artist of SHINE."

"Thank you both so much," I said, bowing my head. "This means… It means everything to me."

"You're talented, Jae," Sarah said. "Don't let this opportunity go to waste."

"I understand."

"Wonderful." Taric clapped his hands together. "Well, that'll be it from us for now, Jae. Sarah will text you about any further updates."

"Wait, what now?"

"Now?" Taric asked.

"Am I just supposed to wait until I'm officially signed, or…"

"Your music is your music, Jae. It's not waiting for anyone but you." Sarah chuckled. "Go and write."

[;]

May 1st, 2021

It'd been three whole months since I signed with Capitol Records. And in those two months, I've written and produced nearly a hundred different songs- each one unique and brilliant in its own way. All of them were objectively better than every single one of my last songs. They were all more complex, more lyrically interesting, and showed new aspects of myself that I hadn't done before as an artist.

But none of them have gotten approved.

Sarah and Taric liked some parts of the songs. They gave me feedback, saying things like "the chords are good," or "the lyrics are nice here," or "the bridge needs more work."

I remember during one studio session I worked alongside Sarah and Taric. They listened to a song I'd worked on for nearly a full week, and from what I could tell, they were fully enjoying the song; they nodded their heads to the beat, gently swayed along to the rhythmic guitar strumming. I was sure that they were going to approve the song. But when the song finished, they had a short discussion before Taric turned to me and said, "It's a good song, but it's still missing something."

I couldn't believe it.

I didn't know what I was missing.

I was lost.

And it was heartbreaking.

Music was the one thing in my life that I was good at. It was my passion. The love I would have until the end of time.

But nothing was working.

Nothing was going right.

And the album release date was looming right over my head. Sure, it was a month away, but I was still working on a single for the album. I still needed to write, produce, and record however many tracks to finish the project. And with how long a single song was taking, then who knows how long an entire album would take.

Every song I wrote, even as I started to work on it, even as I finished mixing and mastering it, even as I passed it to my manager... It felt stifled.

Like the sound was choked.

Like the song was burdened.

Like the song was suffering.

"Jae?" Lux asked, placing a hand on my shoulder. "You okay?"

"I don't know what to do." I frustratedly ran a hand through my hair.

Lux raised a brow. "What do you mean?"

"This album. I— I'm so lost, Lux." I let out a sigh. "This is the one shot that I have. And if I fail, then I... I don't know what I'm going to do." I chuckled darkly. "How do they expect me to make an entire album on my own? What am I even supposed to do?"

"You can do it, Jae, I believe in you."

"I appreciate the sentiment, Lux, but making an album on my own is—"

"Seraphine did it," Lux replied. "And if she could do it, I know that you can."

I rolled my eyes. "What does Seraphine have to do with this?"

Lux leaned forward. "A lot more than you're willing to admit, probably."

"Lux, I don't want to talk about her."

"That might be the problem itself, Jae."

"I… I don't understand."

"All of your songs for the last three months," Lux began. "They've all been love songs."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Jae, you have to find what you want to write about."

"But I don't even know where to start."

Lux smiled slightly. "Start with doing what you couldn't do before."

"Which is?"

"Tell her everything you wished you had told her."

[;]

I went home that night, Lux's words constantly replaying in my mind.

Tell her everything you wished you had told her .

I laughed slightly.

It was ridiculous.

It wasn't like telling Seraphine "what I wished I'd told her" would suddenly fix everything about my album, or my inability to write a song that would get approved.

But… it wasn't like I had many options left either.

Regardless of how ridiculous or far-fetched it seemed, I needed something, anything that would help me write.

I took out my phone and opened my texts with Seraphine.

The last thing she sent me was in August of last year. When she was at the K/DA house.

Hey, Jae. Sorry I haven't messaged you at all today, but I was spending the entire day with K/DA. If you're okay with it, I'd like to call you, just to check in and stuff. It's fine if you're not. Anyways, they want me to come back on Sunday to sing for them! So I'll be needing your help rehearsing a song until then. Talk to ya later, Jae!

Even doing something as simple as reading the text crushed me. Before I could even begin to type something out, memories and regrets flooded my thoughts. I shut my eyes, turning off my phone and setting it face down on my nightstand.

This… This was something that I couldn't do alone.

I needed help.

[;]

May 2nd, 2021

"You're heading out?" Eunkyung asked. "Do you have work today?"

I shook my head. "Gonna visit Mom and Dad."

Eunkyung glanced up from her textbook. "Alright," she said with a nod. "Drive safe. Greet them for me."

"I will."

I drove in complete silence. I chose to take the time to think about what I was going to tell them, about how I was going to ask them for help. And about how I was going to apologize to them.

Upon arrival, I quickly found an empty parking spot. I stepped out of the car, my hands in my pockets as I locked it behind me. It was a strange feeling, visiting my parents on a day that wasn't the anniversary of their death.

I walked to the familiar path to their headstones. Eventually, I found myself standing over them, and I was more than a little surprised to see fresh bouquets positioned next to them. They didn't look more than two days old.

I mentally thanked whoever left them there.

I kneeled before the headstones.

Hey Mom. Hey Dad. It's your favorite son again. I know that it's probably a little weird of me to be visiting you guys so early, heh. But I know that you guys probably miss me, so… I mentally sighed. I guess I should just be honest. I... I wanted to ask you two for your forgiveness. I lied to you both when I last visited you two. I was in a bad place during that time. Seraphine and I… We had a falling-out, I guess is the best way I could describe it. I wanted to give up music. But someone very important to me saved me from that dark place, and now I'm signed to a label and I'm working on my debut album. So… I hope that you two can forgive me for lying. I'm sorry.

I also wanted to come here for another reason. In all honesty, I need your help. I need you to give me the strength to… to reach out to Seraphine. I need your help, your guidance, your support to do this.

Because I… I can't do it alone..

Please.

Help me.

As I slowly rose to my feet, a rush of warm, soft wind caressed the top of my head, like comforting fingers combed through my hair. The wind settled on my shoulder, and I swore that I felt it gently squeeze my shoulder.

Before my consciousness got the best of me, I opened my phone and began to type out a message to Seraphine.

I poured every emotion I had into it.

And as I wrote, memories came flooding back to me. Memories of a better time. Memories of when I was happier. Memories of when things were simpler. Memories of singing alongside a pink-haired, azure-eyed angel.

I'm not really sure where I got the sudden confidence to tell you all of this. Actually, I do, but it's not important. But… But I guess I'm texting you because I want to tell you everything. And when I say everything, I mean it. I want to tell you everything that I couldn't say, that I never got the chance to say, that I never found the courage to say.

You meant the world to me. You were the world. There wasn't a moment where I regretted becoming your friend, as much as I teased you about it. It's funny. It felt like you and I were inseparable. Like you and I would be together forever. Like you and I would become stars together. But I guess not all stars rise together, huh?

I remember being so angry at you when you got that call from Ahri. So… so very angry. It was infuriating. How could you get recognized but I wasn't? Why was I never considered? Why was I never called? Were you and I really that different in terms of singing? It was confusing. Irritating. Annoying. And there were days when it truthfully, genuinely pissed me off.

But like everything else in life, even that anger faded away.

And loneliness replaced it.

I did everything I could to keep myself occupied. To keep my thoughts occupied. Because if I wasn't occupied, I would think about you. And that broke me. It broke everything about me.

I got rid of every reminder of you that I had.

At least, I tried to.

I changed your name on my phone to a bunch of spaces, but I never deleted your number. I changed my lock screen to one of the iPhone defaults, but I still kept that selfie of us at Santa Monica as the home screen. I packed all of my instruments away, removed my solos and our duets from the EPs we posted, but I came back to music not even six months later. I tried to write songs that didn't involve you, but that obviously failed.

I guess you could say I missed you. In a weird, roundabout way.

But now… Things are different.

I'm ready to embrace it. To embrace what we had, and what we lost; all of the moments, the memories, the feelings, the emotions; every second that I spent with you, every day that I spent by your side, every month that you and I shared.

And then say goodbye to it all.

You're a brilliant woman, Ser. So full of love, of compassion. You're more than I could ever be. You deserve the entire world and more.

Whatever you do, whatever you pursue, I hope that it fills your heart more than I ever could.

Thank you, Yeng Seraphine.

For everything.

The temptation to read through the message and revise it nearly overwhelmed me, but I sent the text before it did. Everything in that text was as raw as I could be. It came straight from the heart. I watched as the tiny blue bubble expanded, and then, written in tiny letters, Delivered , was scrawled beneath the bubble.

Taking in the fresh scent of summer grass and blooming flowers, the soft breeze that eased its way through the air and through my clothes, I inhaled deeply. My muscles loosened. A weight lifted from my shoulder.

My entire body ached . Like an eternity's worth of tension was freed from my body.

And for the first time in a year, I breathed.

I glanced at my parents.

Thank you. The both of you .

The breeze kicked up a petal from one of the nearby bouquets. It came to rest on the top of my head.

I laughed.

I'd forgotten what it felt like.

The breeze carried the petal up and away, leaving me alone, standing beside my parents, and freer than I'd ever felt before.

Time to write.