VIII - NIGHT SHIFT
MARCH 2, 2013
...
"You know…on my third date, you told me that he'd be an idiot not to appreciate me." Callie stared at the wall and sighed. "But I…"
"No," Arizona interrupted, "This is in no way you are completely at fault here."
"But he—"
"Yeah, I know. I said he'd be an idiot not to appreciate you, but I didn't know he actually was such an idiot."
The corners of Callie's mouth pulled downwards and Arizona quickly said, "But it's okay. This just leaves you free for better people. Trust me."
Arizona exhaled when she saw Callie relax a little.
She was the most inapproachable person ever when she was in her residency, and Callie brought back that feeling. She knew that she was ever only bubbly or smiley or every other thing she was now when Callie was around. And even the most rational and put-together person like her was at a lost to what to do when the person they cared about needed comforting.
She was crap at comforting people.
But forcing her hands to loosen and to treat Callie with gentleness, she walked her to the resident lockers and told her that it would be alright.
Walking back down the hallways without Callie, Arizona clenched her teeth.
She was here screwing herself over trying to be good enough for her, but Callie was letting another man upset her so badly.
It wasn't even that Arizona was ever cautious in relationships. Callie was just different. Like religion for an atheist.
Arizona just didn't dare touch Callie without care, or she felt although she was violating some terrifying romance.
Out of nowhere, she kind of wanted to cry.
Cry at the way someone so precious and untouchable for her could matter so much less to someone else.
…
Arizona marched to the coffee cart and bought a coffee, trying to calm herself.
"I heard Callie broke up with O'Malley."
Arizona raised her head and saw Cristina tapping her fingers against the wood, giving cash to the man behind the counter.
"Wow. Word does travel quick around here."
"Yeah, well," Cristina shrugged, "it does. And it also helps when Callie just got called into the ER on a bus crash and she looked way too depressed for dozen broken legs."
"Ah."
Cristina sighed, and Arizona cleared her throat a little uneasily, not used to talking one-on-one with Cristina.
Arizona opened her mouth to continue the pleasantries, but stopped just as they walked into the ER.
Instead of continuing their conversation, she snapped up her head and stuffed her coffee into Cristina's fumbling hands, "Here. Hold my morals."
"Wha—"
Arizona moved past her. "I've got shit to take care of."
Faraway, she could see George talking to Izzie in a low voice, on the other side of the ER.
She crossed the floor and came to a stop right beside him. "O'Malley."
George turned his head and his eyes widened a little bit. Arizona was almost sure that it was because her 'resident' face was back on. She didn't care enough to tweak her calmness back on at the moment.
Izzie nudged George and he flicked his eyes back and forth before saying, "If this is about Callie, we already sorted it out between the two of us."
"I know."
"Okay. Well. Yeah. We're over. There's not much more to say of it."
"I know," Arizona repeated coldly, "I'm just here to scare you." She handed him the small pile of charts that was tucked under her arm. "These are for tomorrow or you won't see the inside of an OR until May."
Arizona moved closer to George's nervous face. "And don't ever—and I mean ever—think it's okay to hurt her just because she loved you."
George swallowed.
Arizona scowled, her voice low and more menacing than he'd ever heard it be. "Her feelings towards you are never good reasons to hurt her and get away with it." She poked a finger on his chest. "Because I'll be here. Making sure you don't."
She turned on her heel and walked away.
She knew that wasn't right. That was not very professional to be let happen in the hospital, and she was probably going to be reprimanded by the chief if George decides to rat her out.
She wasn't blameless.
But Arizona wasn't completely at fault either.
Because, when it came down to it…
Arizona was only a person, helplessly loving another.
…
Behind the curtains of bed number five, Cristina finished Arizona's coffee happily as she gloated in front of Meredith's face.
"Oh, stop it with your smug face," Meredith grumbled as she stuffed twenty bucks into Cristina's outstretched hands.
…
Arizona was sitting with her back to the cold wall on a gurney when she found Callie hurrying her way.
Sitting up, she smiled at Callie's messed up hair, obviously just being freed from a scrub cap. "Hey, are you feeling better?"
Callie stopped, a grateful smile on her face. "Yeah, yeah. Surgery keeps my mind off of my tragic love life."
"Oh come on, it isn't that tragic, right?" Arizona made a face, trying to make her laugh. "It's just a bit…unfortunate?"
Callie chuckled, and Arizona smiled too. "Yeah, sure, it's whatever. Um, listen, I heard the interns talking about you threatening George and giving a crap load of charts?"
Arizona looked away sheepishly. "I didn't threaten him. I talked sternly to him."
"Thank you. Truly, Arizona."
Arizona looked back at her. "It's nothing. Really."
Callie tilted her head and smiled sadly, and Arizona repeated, "It's nothing."
"Thank you," Callie mumbled again, looking down, "But you don't need to feel like you're obligated to take my side. I know how complicated the relationships get in our hospital. You don't need to get yourself tangled in."
Arizona smiled. She was tangled deep enough already. "I'm your friend." Even if never anything more. "So I'll never be there to be the judge of anything or there just to settle all your breakups."
"Don't feel like you always have to take care of me and take my side. Really. I mean it. It's okay."
Arizona chuckled, shaking her head. "No, Callie, you don't get it. I…kind of, probably, definitely, always will." She sighed. "Take your side."
…
When Arizona told her that, smiling on her old gurney, Callie felt security.
This was the person that stood beside her from when she lost her first patient to their ridiculously drunk new year's parties. Arizona had seen her hair long, then short, then growing long again. Arizona spent Valentine's day with her when her boyfriend was nowhere to be found.
Callie felt safe here, with Arizona smiling at her.
Maybe side by side was better than hand in hand, sometimes.
But before Callie could tell Arizona thank you, her pager buzzed for the millionth time that day and she groaned.
"Nine-one-one to the ER. Another rig is coming in."
Arizona reached over and squeezed her arm comfortingly. "Go be awesome."
Callie was already hurrying down the long hallway, and she smiled gratefully as she turned her head to look at Arizona's caring expression one more time.
…
After surgeries, the scrub rooms smelled like something bloody, cracked down the middle and drowning in cleaning alcohol. It stung at Callie's light intake of breath when George stepped in there with her, looked her in the eye and said, "There's nothing wrong with being wrong for each other."
Callie stared at him. George looked back, once again the gentle man he was before they spiraled down into failed relationships. He looked back, looking just like a man who wanted some closure.
"I think we had a good run and…for the record…" George paused, picking at his intern scrubs, "I think we both knew, even if only deep down, that we weren't ever able to be endgame."
Callie frowned. "That just sounds bad when you say it that way. It just sounds like we were both just having this relationship for fun."
"Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry."
Callie nodded and didn't answer.
George looked up and said, "Tell me about Arizona Robbins."
Callie seemed skeptical, frowning again. "Why?"
"Just," he shrugged, "tell me about your friendship. I just need to know…" he paused, pursing his lips the way worryingly the way that made her feel safe months ago, "that someone is there for you because I know I can't be anymore."
"Okay. Um." Callie thought about the afternoons they spent laughing and talking and sharing one beer back and forth. "Arizona…is nice."
He bobbed his head, telling her to go on.
"We always have things to talk about, even if at the end, I have no idea what we talked about. She lets me walk on the inner side of the street when we're walking together, she…knows to bring me coffee on Wednesday mornings because I hate Wednesdays…"
George waited patiently, a small sad smile on his face.
Callie continued, lost in her own thoughts. "She likes to send me pictures of the sky when it's pretty. And um…oh, whenever I crash at her place, she always falls asleep after I do, because I never remember to close the windows. So she waits until I'm asleep to get up and close them."
George nodded when Callie looked back at him. "Okay then."
"Okay then," she repeated.
"I wish you the best, Callie."
Callie sighed and nodded. "You too." She pushed open the door of the scrub room and walked away, holding her breath until she arrived in the busy ER again, bustling with people she still had to take care of on this shift.
…
Arizona's office glowed in the dark hallways of the midnight hospital. These places were where horror movie murder scenes tend to happen.
But Arizona got tired after midday these days, and she didn't have the energy to be scared. She knew Callie and her fellow residents were still in the pit, the emergencies pouring in since that afternoon.
Trudging slowly down the narrow paths lined with towel racks and unused patient rooms, she threaded her arms through the sleeves of her jacket. The heels of her street clothes were high enough to make her feel greater than she was.
For the few hours that melted afternoon into evening, Arizona had stayed by her desk, doing boring paperwork. She told herself that it would serve as a way of calming herself down after Callie and George's breakup, even though it was their breakup and had nothing to do with her.
Almost out of nowhere, the dark hallways gave in all over again to a bustling hurriedness of hospital emergencies, blood bags, and busy nurses. The lights were brighter and patients were laughing and phones were ringing, and it wasn't at all almost ten in the evening.
Arizona sighed, thanking god that her navy scrubs were already left behind, and pressed the 'down' button. Tucking her hands into her pockets again, she stared absentmindedly at the blinking lights reciting floors of which her elevator passed through. She groaned inwardly as the elevator dinged and stopped. All she was praying for was a fast and direct descent to the parking lot, and then straight to her cramped apartment. Was that so much to ask?
A nurse walked in, followed by a tall woman with very dark hair. Arizona did not have time to appreciate or even just eye either of them up and down. She just half-closed her eyes and tried to will the doors shut and for the elevator to just teleport her home.
The doors dinged and before she could speed off, a voice interrupted.
"Oh my god, Arizona, thank god, an attending."
Arizona's eyes widened as a severely sleep-deprived Callie Torres stumbled towards her holding three different charts.
"I have a man with his tibias in a knot—don't even ask how it happened—and I have to get to the OR in five minutes, can you please, please, please, take these charts and give one to Grey and take a look at bed three? I think the child is only suffering from a mild allergy but we haven't checked her throat yet, so there's that—"
Arizona was tired.
Arizona was just going to go home and make herself a very unhealthy dinner and fall asleep watching Friends reruns.
Arizona also knew that this was Callie.
Arizona took a deep breath and steadied herself.
"Yeah, of course. No problem, Calliope, go do your thing." Arizona rolled up her sleeves and took over the charts, tucking a strand of hair behind Callie's ear as she did. "Go do your surgery and take a nap afterwards. You look like you really need it. I'll take care of the rest."
Callie looked close to tears. "Oh, thank you so much Arizona, it's been a crazy night in the ER."
Arizona smiled and nodded, gently shooing her away.
After she watched Callie's retreating form, she sighed. Guess this was going to be another long night in the ER.
…
Arizona scrubbed, staring at the fraying corners of the operating table and wondered why Callie couldn't, for the life of her, see just how much she cared.
It was probably the noisy ER and the bustling of all the interns and residents, lacking sleep and scratching their way to the top. It was probably the bustle of the hospital that stopped Callie from seeing just how much Arizona cared.
It wasn't Callie's fault; it was the noisy bustle's fault.
"Arizona, weren't you supposed to be home right about now? You alright?"
Arizona turned to find Teddy standing at the door. "Yeah, yeah, I'm good. It's just that…the ER is busy as hell and I stayed to help out on a few cases."
"Oh."
"Mhm. Also, a certain idiot is somehow really blind and she can't seem to see the way I care."
"Is it Callie?" Teddy frowned the slightest bit when Arizona nodded yes. "This thing you have with her…"
Arizona shrugged. "I think I'm lowkey always gonna have a thing for that idiot."
Arizona lifted her hands and stepped around the sink, into the OR. She held out her hand and received her scalpel, and the moment she cut into the stomach of the little girl, she felt steady.
…
In her closet, there were still old jeans and button-up shirt two sizes too big, but Arizona didn't wear them anymore.
Walking through the hospital all over again at six in the morning, Arizona's street clothes have turned into sensible pants and blouses. She locked her office door and jingled her keys.
On her right arm, a nicotine patch.
Arizona didn't like to think that Callie had 'tamed' her, as the way Teddy put it sometimes. Rather, she thought that it was more of her closing her mouth and hiding her claws willingly when Callie was around.
Richard had complimented her on her pleasant and bubbly presence two hours ago, again.
There was this irking constant warmness untangling itself from her insides and reaching out with grasping fingers, reaching towards Callie.
But Arizona was a realistic person. She always acted in rationality.
Callie and her, they were not the same. She was so terribly scared of falling for someone so helplessly, for the first time in her life.
She was scared that she didn't have much to give to Callie.
Arizona was barely used to all the work an attending had. She never quite remembered when to pay the phone bill and rarely ate food that wasn't takeout. All Arizona was, was half a doctor that ground her teeth when she lost a child and cried irresponsibly when she talked to the chief. All Arizona was, was yet another young human that was getting a little too old for crazy love stories, with nothing much to give, and a very long and steady life to live.
Arizona paused as she passed by the NICU window, the rows of babies giving an occasional soft gurgle on the other side. Unconsciously, she smiled, and felt closer to them since a long time. Wandering into the NICU, she wiggled her finger in front of a ridiculously happy looking baby girl and chuckled when she waved her chubby hand at her.
Love songs were nice to listen to and old films were appropriate to get emotional to.
But the good drinks at bars were never very cheap, although Arizona couldn't even afford to be pretentiously sad without working hard enough.
The dial tones of the number that she'd stared for so long was laughing at her. Laughing at Arizona as everything else was too.
Memories were fisted in her cold palms. The realism of this could go eat shit.
Arizona hated this feeling.
…
"You guys did WHAT NOW with the Alzheimer's trial?!"
Meredith and Cristina both had the decency to look minimally sheepish.
Cristina cleared her throat. "Well, in my defense, I didn't do anything, I just refrained from tattling on Mer."
Meredith made a face. "It was for a…good cause."
"Was it?"
"It…" she didn't look so sure anymore. "was?" Meredith grunted, crumbling down on Callie's carpet. "Whatever. I lost my job anyway and my boyfriend isn't talking to me."
Callie sighed, passing a hand over her eyes.
Cristina sighed too, looking at her friend on the floor, her back to Callie's bed and her head tipped upwards, eyes closed.
In a low voice, Meredith spoke up again. "And Webber lost the conjoined twins' surgery in Boise. They gave the surgery to Seattle Pres."
Cristina's eyes widened. Apparently, she didn't hear about that part when Meredith got fired that afternoon.
"Oh yeah. Robbins and Shepherd's going to be even more pissed."
"How bout Lexie?"
"Lexie?" Meredith grunted again. "She's been mourning over Mark the past month."
"That's not good."
"Nope," Meredith answered, popping the 'p', "it really isn't. "The good thing is that I think Mark is making doe eyes at her too."
"Well, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that," Callie said.
Cristina scowled. "Absence doesn't ever make the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart grow the fuck up."
Callie shrugged. "Yeah, that too."
Almost in unison the three of them dropped their heads on the side of Callie's mattress again, staring up at the ceiling.
Finally, Callie groaned and rubbed her temples. "You know what? You guys and messed up our hospital and I've just broken up my first serious relationship since Erica last week." She walked to her kitchen. "I'm thirsty."
"Oh my god yes," Cristina rushed, "Get us some tequila so I won't start blaming Meredith too."
Meredith glared at her. "Wow, thanks, Cristina. Supportive."
She shrugged. "Well. You did a bad thing. But you and me, we're ride or die."
"Okay, okay, you two shut up," Callie said as she walked back with tequila and twizzlers, "I don't need to be third wheeling in your weird friend-lover relationship. Just drink."
They rolled their eyes, but both simultaneously reached out their hands for the bottle.
…
The tip of the pencil broke under pressure and smeared the charts with grey streaks.
Arizona grunted and threw it across the room and leaned back into her chair, covering her eyes with the hand that was not in a fist.
Mark was sitting half sunken into her office couch, legs spread and beard unshaven and a slice of pizza in his hand.
Arizona peaked through her fingers after a few seconds. "Sloan, you should really start getting your shit together. I'm pissed that we lost the Boise surgery too, but we've got lives to live and lives to save."
"Says you who just broke her pencil for the fifth time today," he grumbled.
Arizona rolled her eyes.
Mark looked at her from the side of his eye. "I saw Avery kissing Lexie last night."
"And why are you telling me about it again?"
"Callie has her own breakup going on and Derek has enough on his plate with the trial."
"So I'm your last choice?"
He pushed his greying hair back and sat up straighter. "You know, under my extremely hot exterior that women drool over, is a kind and friendly soul."
Arizona snorted. "Sloan. Seriously."
Mark blinked at her, deflating a little. "I'm dirty hot and the golden boy of the hospital." He looked away. "I just need someone to talk to."
Arizona sighed, opening her drawer and taking out another pencil. She glanced at Mark munching on the pizza that Callie had originally brought over for her that afternoon.
Before she could open her mouth, Mark beat her to it. "And I see how good you are to Callie."
Arizona's eyes widened, her hand freezing mid-writing.
Mark snorted. "Please, don't look so surprised. No one's been that good to her in a long time. I should thank you, actually."
"I-uh," Arizona cleared her throat, "Thanks?"
"You're welcome." He sighed, stuffing the rest of his slice in his mouth. "What are we going to do? Both our girls clueless."
Arizona stared at her papers for a moment, then grunted. "You depress me now." She held out her hand. "Give me a slice."
Mark handed her a slice and they both chewed in silence.
"I'd still rather be separating two conjoined twins."
"Webber said you were too inexperienced anyway. You've only been an attending for year. This is a world-class surgery," Mark murmured through a mouthful of pepperoni.
"Shut up."
"Fine."
…
It was only until a week later when Richard got up on the stair case and told everyone the horrible news that Arizona and Mark stopped moping around over conjoined twins.
Seattle Pres was a mess, from what they heard, with their people gone missing for three days.
Turns out that they were lucky to have missed that plane to Boise.