Finn put as much space between him and everyone else as he could. Just outside of Lando's home, he found a covered spot that was shaded and far enough away from the door that he couldn't be seen.
He kicked at the sand.
Luke Skywalker had told him he was Force sensitive, which could have been good news if things were different, but Finn had seen too much of the Force to ever be comfortable wielding it himself.
The Force had been part of a fairytale that Finn had been told in whispers in the dead of night. Stormtroopers had many stories.
The loudest stories were the stories of the Empire and its strength. Finn rarely listened to those stories, but he understood the importance of pretending to listen. Those stories always ended with the message that the First Order would reclaim the Empire's power and then achieve more than the Empire had ever dreamed of achieving. He'd learned to gasp at the right parts and look inspired.
It was the quieter stories that first drew Finn in. Some Stormtoopers had memories of their lives before the First Order and occasionally, when they were meant to be sleeping, a Stormtooper would be brave enough to share one of their memories.
Stormtroopers don't have memories.
Like the story FL-3183 told about her brother who taught her how to play wiffle ball. Finn hadn't known what wiffle ball was, but he liked the idea of having a sibling who taught him how to play games, or even better, he liked the idea of knowing the games and teaching his own sibling.
Stormtroopers don't play games.
Finn had listened to stories of life outside the First Order with a jealous longing, wanting both his own memories and a chance to see if the people and places in the stories were real.
Stormtroopers don't have families.
The quietest stories were the most dangerous. Those were the stories of a brave young man, barely more than a boy, who saved a princess and destroyed the Empire's greatest weapon. He was a young man with a power that the galaxy had thought was long gone. Evil was no match for the power of the light side of the Force.
The quietest stories had always been Finn's favourite stories.
On many nights he has fallen asleep to one of those stories and imagined himself as the young Jedi, fighting against the Empire. If the Empire's officers bore the familiar hexagon insignia of the First Order in his dreams, that was because it was what Finn knew. He had never allowed himself to ascribe any meaning to his dreams. His dreams of fighting with a lightsaber had been just that, dreams.
And it was that young Jedi, now older and more bitter, who told Finn that he was Force sensitive. Mere weeks ago, the possibility of learning how to use the same power Luke Skywalker had mastered would have excited Finn. It would have been like his dreams were real.
But that was before Jakku, before he saw the Force in action.
Finn swallowed hard and sat down on the sand, resting his head in his hands. It was on Jakku that he had learned the Force was a nightmare and not a fairytale.
On Jakku, Kylo Ren had proved to be as imposing as he was rumoured to be, but it had been his voice – his inhuman voice – that had sent chills down Finn's spine. Then after he had killed a man with his red blade, Kylo Ren had done the impossible. He had used the Force to freeze a blaster bolt.
Finn had stopped breathing at the sight. The Force, the very thing he had rarely let himself imagine was real, was so much more terrifying than anything else Finn had ever encountered.
And now he had to deal with the very real possibility that he could use the Force, which was one more thing he had in common with the monster that had inexplicably switched sides.
He didn't know what to do.
…
Someone sat across from Finn on the sand. He raised his head and was unsurprised to see that it was Rey. She was looking at him with concern and gnawing on her lip like she had something she wanted to say, but she was waiting for him to speak first.
He hadn't asked her to join him, so she could wait until he collected his thoughts. Rey was his friend, but she was also Force sensitive, and she hadn't said anything to him about his own Force sensitivity.
"Did you know?" Finn asked, knowing her answer to this question would steer the direction of this conversation.
Rey's eyes widened slightly. "No," she said, shaking her head.
Finn let out a breath. "Would you have told me if you did?" he asked, a hint of bitterness creeping into his voice.
"Of course," Rey said, sounding offended that he would think otherwise, and normally he wouldn't, but he had a hard time knowing what to believe. "I wouldn't keep something like that from you." Her voice was serious and her gaze was steady.
Even if he hadn't somehow sensed her sincerity, he would have believed her. "Do you think Skywalker is right?" he asked, looking for confirmation of what he had already realised was true.
"I do," Rey said, putting the final nail in the coffin of his doubts. "But what I think isn't important. What do you think?"
"I think he's right," Finn admitted. He had always had a keen understanding of people: officers, fellow Stormtoopers, and even the occasional Resistance pilot. He'd known who it was safe to listen to quiet stories with and who would have turned him in. He'd felt it when the villagers of Jakku – good people – were killed.
Was that the Force? He had a lifetime of memories to look back on with new understanding.
"I could teach you what I know." Rey offered with a hesitant smile. "And then we could learn the rest together."
We.
Finn's heart sank at that word because he knew that Rey didn't just mean the two of them. He didn't want to take that smile off her face, but he had to be honest with her. "I don't think that's a good idea."
Rey furrowed her brow. "Even if you don't plan to use the Force, you should learn some basics." She was no longer smiling. "It's dangerous to–"
"I know the Force is dangerous," Finn said, not meaning to snap at her, but she of all people should have known that he was fully aware of how dangerous the Force was. "I've seen what it can do – what Ben can do – and I don't want to be anything like him."
"He's not–"
"Don't defend him," Finn interrupted with a shake of his head. "Not now."
"You've seen him do good," Rey said. "Without him, Paige would have–"
"I know," Finn said, clenching his hands into fists. "I know that he's helped us – that he's on our side now. I know he's not going back to the First Order."
"So then why–"
"Because I'm afraid of him," Finn admitted. "I'm afraid of what he has done, and even more important, I'm afraid of what I could do – of who I could hurt."
Rey gazed at him sadly. "You won't hurt anyone."
Finn's throat was dry. "You don't know that," he said in a low voice.
"I can help you," Rey said, her voice sounding strained.
Part of him wanted to accept her offer, but he knew that couldn't, not without more information about Ben. "What's going on between the two of you – your bond, connection, or whatever you want to call it – what does it mean?"
Rey bit her lip. "We're still figuring it out."
"How close are you?"
"That's none of your business," Rey said, snapping at him.
"It's not," Finn agreed, but he wasn't going to back down. "Or it wouldn't be – but I need to know – need to understand before I can agree to let you help me with the Force." He swallowed. "I have every right to know how much of a risk I am taking."
"I don't know what to say," she said, not looking at him.
"I already know you care about him, and everyone can see that he cares about you too." Finn had never seen anyone look at someone else the way Ben looked at Rey. Sometimes, when she let her guard down, Rey gave Ben a similar look back. "What I need to know is how tangled up you are in each other's minds. At dinner you were talking to him without actually talking." It had been unnerving when Han pointed it out. "If I were to let you into my mind, would I be letting him in too?"
"I'm not sure," Rey admitted. "Possibly."
Finn had been afraid that was going to be her answer. "That's not a risk I can take."
"You still need to learn."
"I'm not going to learn from you, and Luke doesn't seem like much of a teacher." Maybe he could ignore his Force sensitivity. He had lived his whole life unaware.
"He's not," Rey agreed. It sounded like there was a story there, but she didn't elaborate.
Finn shrugged. "I'll figure it out on my own."
"You shouldn't have to."
"A lot of things shouldn't happen, " he said, "but that's where we are."
Their conversation lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. There was nothing for either of them to add.
Finn stood up and brushed the sand off his pants. "I should go talk to Rose and Paige."
"Are we okay?" Rey asked, her voice small.
"We will be," Finn promised. "Even though I don't trust you with this, I still trust you. You're still my friend."
"I wish I could help you," Rey said, resting her hand on his arm.
"You can," Finn said. "Just not with the Force." He turned away and started walking towards the door.
"I'll see you later?" Rey called out after him.
"Yes," Finn agreed, looking back at Rey. "I just need some space."
Rey nodded. "I can give you space."
…
Rose and Paige were back in their room, sitting on the bed. Lando hadn't had enough beds for everyone, so Paige had taken the one in this room, and Rose, Rey, and him had been given sleeping mats for the floor. They were pretty comfortable, so Finn had no complaints.
"You're back," Rose said, raising her eyebrows.
"I am," Finn said.
"Do you want to talk about… what Luke said?" Rose asked, hesitating over her words like she wanted to avoid making him uncomfortable.
He appreciated her consideration, but he knew this conversation was inevitable and wanted to get it over with. "I don't, but I do," he said, unsure how to explain. "Does that make any sense?"
"It makes perfect sense," Paige said. "Nothing about this situation is what any of us are used to and you just got hit by what could potentially be a huge change."
Finn sat beside Rose on the bed. "I think Luke was right."
Rose bumped her shoulder against his arm. "We're here for you."
"If anyone can figure this out, it's you," Paige said. "You left the first order. This should be easy in comparison."
Their support meant a lot to him, but he could tell they didn't understand how afraid he was. Rey hadn't understood either.
… … …
Rey found Luke easily enough. He was with Chewie in the living room, sitting on the same velvet couch Rose and Paige had sat on the day before.
She walked over to Luke and crossed her arms. "We need to talk."
"Finn needed to know," Luke said with a deep sigh, not even looking up at her.
Chewie told them he was going to find Han, not even trying to hide the fact that he wanted to avoid witnessing their confrontation.
"That's not what I want to talk about," Rey said. There was no point going over the past. It was already done. "You need to teach Finn."
Luke finally looked at her and raised his eyebrows. "I thought you disagreed with me about the Jedi?"
"I do–"
"So why ask me?" he asked, tilting his head.
Rey held herself tighter. "Because he doesn't want me to teach him." She had looked forward to teaching Finn about the Force. She had felt so alone when she first came into her power. She didn't want the same for him.
Luke pinched his brows together. "Why would I be any different?"
Because you are afraid of Ben, Rey thought but didn't say.
"Ah," Luke continued, "it's because of Ben, isn't it?"
Rey gave a small nod. "Finn's afraid."
"He should be," Luke said, and Rey tensed at his words. "Finn, you, and Ben all walk a dangerous path."
"My path feels right," Rey said with a confidence she hadn't previously had. She knew that her and Ben were so much better together. Them being separated was what went wrong in the original timeline.
Luke stared at her for a moment. "You could be right, but there's a change you're wrong," he said gravely. "Are you willing to risk that?"
"I am."
Luke nodded. "Is Finn?"
Rey closed her eyes for a moment. "I don't think he is."
Luke stroked his chin. "He's more cautious than you are – more steady." He looked deep in thought.
Rey nodded.
Luke stood up and walked across the room, facing away from Rey. "You've given me a lot to think about."
Hope fluttered in Rey's chest. "Will you teach him?"
"I'll think about it," Luke said, and that was more than Rey had expected when she came to see him.
Luke gave her an intense look, like he was trying to figure something out about her.
It made her put up barriers in her mind. She didn't think he'd violate her privacy that way, but she also remembered what happened when he looked into Ben's mind while he slept.
She didn't know what Luke was thinking. He was hard to read.
Without breaking their tense silence, Luke gave her a small nod and left her alone.
…
Rey sat on the couch, leaned her head back, and closed her eyes. She'd slept alright, but she was exhausted. Talking with Finn and then Luke sapped her of her energy.
She wouldn't be surprised if she fell asleep.
"Are you alright?" Ben asked softly.
Rey startled. She had been so lost in thought she hadn't noticed he was in the room. "I will be."
Ben sat next to her on the couch. "That's good, but it also means you aren't alright now." He leaned towards her. "Tell me how I can help."
"There's nothing you can do," she said with a sigh.
"Would talking about it help?"
"Maybe," Rey agreed, but she didn't add anything because she didn't know what to say. So much had happened in such a short period of time.
Ben didn't press. He waited patiently for her to talk.
The quiet was comfortable.
Rey settled on what she needed to say. "Finn doesn't want me to teach him."
"He doesn't want to learn how to use the Force?" Ben asked.
"Not from me," she said, her voice sounding defeated even to her own ears.
Ben leaned away. "Because of me," he said, blaming himself for something he couldn't control.
Rey shook her head. "It's not your fault."
"We could spend less time together," Ben said, causing Rey's heart to speed up. "Then Finn might change his mind and you could teach him."
Rey grabbed his hand. "That's not what I want." Her heart was thudding loudly.
"It may be the only way," he said, trying to pull his hand away, but she wouldn't let go. She didn't want to let go.
"I asked Luke to teach him," Rey said, not knowing how Ben would react to her mentioning Luke. They had cooperated on Ben's plan to get onboard the Supremacy and fight Snoke, but they hadn't spent much time together since. Their every interaction was fraught with pain.
Ben raised his eyebrows. "And what did he say?"
"He'll think about it," she said, trying not to let her annoyance show.
"That's better than I would have guessed," Ben said with only a hint of bitterness. "But you shouldn't rely on Luke. I could–"
Rey tightened her grip on his hand. "I'm not going to spend less time with you."
"Not even to help your friend?" he asked, not looking at her.
"No," Rey said emphatically, "that wouldn't be the right way to help him."
Ben exhaled. "We need to work together to have a chance against Palpatine."
Rey groaned. "That's not why," she said, frustrated with how wrong he was. Beating Palpatine was important, but so was Ben. He was more important to her than–
"Then why?" he asked, his hand was rigid beneath her own.
She stroked his hand with her thumb. "You know why."
Ben wrinkled his brow. "I don't."
"You're important to me," Rey said, her throat tight. "I want to spend time with you."
Ben looked so confused by her words, and she felt her heart breaking for him.
"Why?" he asked.
Rey couldn't find the words to answer his question. There were so many reasons. It was impossible to narrow them–
"You once called me a monster," Ben continued, interrupting her thoughts. "You were right. I've done–"
Rey used her free hand to cup his face. "You're not a monster," she said. "I was wrong." When she called him that, she had every reason to believe it was true, but she hadn't known him yet, hadn't seen who he truly was.
"I don't know who I am," he said so quietly that she almost missed the words.
"That's okay," Rey said. "I'm still learning who I am. We can figure it out together."
"You're better off without me," Ben said with a frown. "I've been selfish."
Rey started tearing up. "Don't say that."
"I have been selfish, I–"
"I'm not better off without you," she said, her voice cracking from emotion. "I pushed you away for a year after everything that happened. I hated it."
"You were right to." Ben covered the hand on his face with his own hand. "I was so far gone, so lost."
"I shouldn't have given up," she said, shaking her head. "I should have helped you."
Ben gave her a sad smile. "It wouldn't have worked – I wasn't ready."
"I could have tried–"
"The fog didn't lift until my mom died," he said. "That's when I started to see clearly."
The image of her stabbing him flashed through her mind. "I could have killed you." Regret overwhelmed her.
"You didn't," Ben said, his eyes shining. "What happened on Kef Bir brought us here, and I am so grateful. I have the opportunity to do some good."
"You already have," Rey said, thinking of Han and Paige.
"So have you," he said. "You give me the strength I need to keep fighting. You're the strongest person I know."
"You make me stronger, and we're so much better together," she said, wondering if he felt the same. "Don't you see that?"
"I do."
"So don't say we should spend less time together… unless that's what you want."
Ben's eyes widened, "It isn't."
"Good," Rey said. She pulled him down and pressed a soft kiss against his lips.
Ben pulled away, surprising her. "What are we to each other?" he asked.
Rey was unprepared for his question. "I don't know."
"What do you want to be?"
"I don't know that either," she admitted, and she saw his face fall. "I've never done this – any of this – before."
"Me neither."
"I know I want to be close to you," Rey said, and it was an understatement. Ben felt like he was a missing piece of her very being. She never felt more whole than she did when she was with him. "Do you want to be close to me?"
"Yes," Ben said.
Rey looked away. "I've never wanted anyone the way I want you."
"It's the same for me," Ben said, bringing his hand to her cheek.
"Is that enough for now?" she asked, looking up at him. "Can we continue as we have been and figure it out as it happens."
"That's more than enough." Ben stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. "It's more than I allowed myself to hope for."
Rey wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her face into his chest. She inhaled deeply.
Ben took her into his arms and held her, the tension leaving his body.
She felt safe.