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Chapter 41
The Burrow was its normal cacophony of noise confined in its impossible architecture. As Hermione helped Harry drag his trunk inside, the noise washed over her, prickling against her skin. She took a steadying breath, then braced herself.
"Harry!" shrieked Molly's voice. "It's wonderful to see you!" Harry was pulled against the woman's bosom, squeezed, then held out and appraised. "Too thin. I'll be making some fattening foods for you, my lad."
Hermione was the next to be swept up in a quick hug. "You too, Hermione. You're staying for dinner, I hope?" Hermione wasn't quite certain, but she thought she detected something in the woman's voice. Something is wrong here.
Hermione forced herself to smile warmly. "Yes, Mrs. Weasley." I don't know what it is now, but if it's my business I'll find out sooner or later.
Ron and Ginny flew down the stairs, Ron clapping Harry on the back a few times and Ginny hugging him nearly as tightly as her mother. Harry was grinning ear to ear as the twins emerged from the kitchen, alternating in their speech as they greeted Harry.
Before she knew it, Hermione was seated at the table with an over-large plate of steaming dinner in front of her as the people around talked and chattered endlessly. At least this time Bill and Fleur had managed to snag seats next to each other- but still, Molly had placed Cedric (who had Floo'd in at Molly's invitation) directly across from Fleur and right next to Hermione.
It's not as bad as it could be, Hermione thought, resigned. She began to eat, tasting the good food but not thinking over much about it, or the conversation flowing around her. Instead, she thought about Tom Riddle, and Severus, and Horcruxes...
They needed to get to Slughorn, that was obvious. But what else? Hermione knew that the answer was lurking somewhere in the stacks of book in her bedroom, but she only needed to be there, to read-
"Hermione!" Ron's voice was exasperated, as if he had been trying to get her attention for a while.
It was almost like a spasm running through her body as she jerked to attention. "Yes?"
The redhead rolled his eyes. "I was asking if you were going to stay here too. If so, Gin needs to clean up her room."
Ginny smacked his arm. "It's nothing compared to how your room was this morning, Ronald."
No doubt about it, Hermione thought wryly. "No, I'm not, at least not until later this summer. Dumbledore will let me know, I suppose."
"See, Ron?" Ginny snapped. "No need to mention my room."
"You should see Hermione's," Cedric said suddenly, flashing Ginny a charming grin. "It would make you feel better."
Ginny gaped at him as Hermione glared. "Little Miss Perfect Prefect Hermione has a messy room?" she asked, with exaggerated astonishment. "How do you know? Did Hermione actually let a boy into her room?"
Hermione turned her glare on Ginny. "My two best friends are boys, Ginny. The only reason they don't burst into my dorm in Hogwarts is because of the magic stairs."
But Ginny wasn't done- she burst into laughter. "I can't believe it. How messy is it, Cedric?"
"Papers and books everywhere," Cedric said, throwing a teasing glance at Hermione. "Hardly a place to put a foot down. The house elves are banned, but Dobby would give all the socks in the world to clean it up."
Stop. Just- just stop. Hermione put a hand over her eyes, trying to calm down. Her annoyance was rising higher and higher, and as Cedric opened his mouth again, Hermione held up a hand, pinning him with her eyes.
"What the bloody hell were you doing in my room?" she asked sharply, her voice ice cold.
Cedric's smile faltered. "Well- I haven't been in it, exactly, just seen it when you've gone in and out-"
"Then what right have you to comment on a living space that you have not been invited into, and you shouldn't have been looking at in the first place?" Hermione snapped. "Did you stop to think for a moment that those papers and books are important? Or maybe that they are private and I don't want people knowing about them?"
Ron and Ginny were staring, and Harry was looking down at his plate, his cheeks red. Bill and Fleur had stopped their conversation, and were looking at Hermione and Cedric.
"Um- sorry," Cedric muttered. "I didn't think it would be a big deal- just books and papers."
Hermione took a calming breath, then gave him a small smile. "They aren't a big deal," she said quickly. "So forget about them." She had no way of knowing her smile was far less comforting than she had wanted it.
Cedric grinned back anyway. "Yes, ma'am."
The tension seemed to suddenly dissipate. Ron whistled. "Geez, Hermione. No wonder no one wants to date you."
Like that isn't hurtful at all, Hermione growled in the privacy of her own mind. Ouch.
Other people had the same reaction; Ginny's hit her brother's arm again and Bill kicked him. "Ron!" hissed Ginny. "There isn't any reason to be rude."
Bill's eyes flickered toward Hermione, then back at his brother. "You should apologize for that," he said.
"Especially since you aren't right," Cedric added, hastily coming to her defense- apparently, he saw a way to make it up to Hermione.
Hermione felt her blood freeze. "What are you talking about?" she asked Cedric, keeping her voice low. "What-"
"The other night, remember?" said Cedric, glancing at the rest of the table, but keeping his voice low. "When you were going into the bathroom and there was a hi-"
"Yes, I remember," Hermione said hastily. "Oh. Yes. Well. Could you forget about that too?"
"Forget about what?" Ron said, irritably. "Sorry, Hermione! Okay? Can everyone stop abusing me now?"
Harry shoved him lightly. "No, you prat," he said. "Now pass the potatoes."
Hermione ate quickly, accepting Molly's offer of dessert only out of politeness. She wanted out of this place, out of the noise and the questions and the sense of being wrong. She wasn't like them, they weren't like her. They didn't understand her, didn't know about her, and even if they did they wouldn't know how to handle her. All she wanted in that moment was Severus, or perhaps Tonks.
Tonks had always been a good friend, especially when Hermione had first started along the crazy path to becoming Harry's protector. They had been the only young ones in the house- they had giggled together and practiced and Tonks had been kind. Very kind, to a Hermione who sometimes missed her parents terribly or couldn't get a spell right.
I should go visit her in the hospital, Hermione thought wistfully. I'll do it on my turn around.
"Time to clear up!" Molly announced. "Ginny, Fleur, Hermione, some help, please."
With a sigh, Hermione and Ginny pushed themselves away from the table to help Molly with collecting the dishes and cleaning them. Fleur gave Bill a quick kiss and stood as well, calling to Molly with a flip of her long, silvery hair, "Really. Ze boys could 'elp with ze dishes too, you know."
Molly frowned at her. "The men have been working all day. We will clean." With that, she thrust a stack of plates at Fleur and pointed to the kitchen.
"Salope misogyne et coincée," Fleur muttered, sweeping out of the dining room. Hermione hid a laugh behind her hand. Uptight bitch was certainly one way to describe Molly. As far as misogynistic went- Hermione was afraid she had to agree as well.
With magic, washing dishes wasn't quite the chore it was the Muggle way. There were charms that took all but the most stubborn food off dishes, charms to dry, and charms to make them all float to their place. However, Molly Weasley was one housewife who prided herself on not letting the charms do all the work for her. As a result, Hermione and Ginny were set to rewashing the magically cleaned dishes- or rather, Hermione was washing and Ginny was drying.
Although it was the chore she despised the most, Hermione let herself relax into the methodical movements. At least there wasn't any food left on them- it was just scrubbing with soap and then rinsing the water off and handing the dish to Ginny.
"You've been quiet, Hermione," Ginny said suddenly, taking a large serving platter from Hermione. "Is everything okay?"
Hermione bit her lip, scrubbing at a cast iron pan that didn't need the scrubbing at all. "Not really," she admitted finally. "But that's all I can really say at the moment. I'm handling it, though."
A comforting hand rested on Hermione's shoulder for a moment. "Si t'avais à besoin de quelque chose à tout moment, je suis ici. Hermione." Fleur's earnest face was close, her beauty startling and reactive in Hermione. To be quite frank, Fleur took her breath away. I hadn't thought that I might be attracted to women, Hermione thought dizzily, nearly disregarding Fleur's offer of help. Or is it just that's she's gorgeous?
"Merci," she said after a moment, smiling at Fleur. When the woman gave her a brilliant smile back, Hermione almost laughed. "What happened to no French?"
Fleur gave a laugh like tinkling bells. "I forgot."
A loud bang came from the dining room, the noise sharp like spell fire. Half a heartbeat later and the smell of acrid smoke was filling Hermione's nose. Other sounds- the plate she held crashing to the floor, Fleur's gasp, Ginny's shout, the running water, the thump of her running feet- all of them fell away.
Hermione had her wand out, one hand pulling a knife free, when she burst into the dining room. Smoke clogged the air, but it was rapidly being dissipated through the open window. Instead of the shouts or spell fire she had expected, everyone was laughing- except for Ron, who's eyebrows were missing. The twins were nearly bent double- it had been a joke, a prank, not war, not spells.
Her heartbeat wouldn't slow down though, even as she sheathed her wand and knife. Molly's disapproving eye caught hers before Molly glanced at where Hermione's knife had been stowed. There as a wrinkle of worry between her eyebrows, a small frown on her mouth.
Fuck, thought Hermione, even as she forced a smile to her face, tried to laugh at the prank. I need to get out of here.
Slowly she went back into the kitchen, trying hard to calm her breathing. Fleur was holding up the dish Hermione had dropped, checking the work she had done to repair it. "Eet is fine," Fleur announced. "I expect eet was ze twins?"
"It was," Hermione replied, nodding. "Um- Gin? Are all the dishes done?"
Ginny checked, and nodded. "Yeah. Except for-"
"Good," Hermione said brusquely. "I need to go. Now. Tell Cedric that I left already, would you?" She left through the garden, Apparating away with a sharp pop.
"I saw them!" hissed Molly, her eyes wide. "You were completely right, Cedric!"
The Hufflepuff looked uncomfortable, raising a hand to rub the back of his neck. "It's like I said, Molly. She's up to all kinds of stuff. She just left- I bet there's going to be something in the news tomorrow that she was a part of."
"And I talked to Mad-Eye," Molly continued. "He says- he said that he doesn't trust Snape, not one bit, and when I said that you said they were spending all their time together, planning, he got really quiet, Cedric. Said he didn't like the sound of that, not when he knows what the girl is capable of. He said that he'd be happy to talk to Headmaster Dumbledore with me."
"Talk to Dumbledore?" Cedric backed up a step. "But she's working with Dumbledore."
There was a quiet pause. Molly looked at Cedric mournfully. "But what if she isn't, dear? What if Snape's confused her? Something is up, there. Dumbledore needs to know."
A burst of laughter drifted in from the living room, and Molly put a hand over her heart. "My children are in the Order, Cedric. If anything she's doing is putting them in danger, then it needs to stop."
"I don't really know what's going on, you know," Cedric hedged. "Really, Mrs. Weasley."
"Molly, dear, I already told you," the woman insisted. "Try to talk to her, Cedric."
Cedric sighed, and nodded. "Of course. I'll try to figure out what's going on."
When Severus stepped into Hermione's room, he was immediately met with a cloud of bushy hair under his nose. Two small arms wrapped around his waist, and Hermione's form was pressed against him firmly. A bit confused, he closed the door and returned her embrace.
"Although I am not totally opposed to being greeted like this, Hermione, it does concern me. What happened at the Weasley's?" He purposefully lowered his voice, knowing that she reacted well to warmer and lower tones.
Hermione sighed into his chest. "It's been a long day, Severus. I- I just needed to hold you for a moment. To be held."
His hand rose to cup the back of her head, stroking her hair comfortingly. Slowly he was growing more accustomed to Hermione, to her feelings, to her wants. Right now she wanted silence and comfort, and nothing more.
Or so he thought, until two small hands untucked his shirt, slipping under the fabric to touch his skin. Her hands were shockingly cold. He hissed, muscles clenching as her hands ran up and down his back.
"Hermione-" he began to say.
Hermione looked at him, tilting her head up. "Kiss me, please," she asked quietly. It was at once a demand and a statement- she knew he was practically helpless to refuse.
Severus lowered his lips to hers, holding her head securely with his large hands. His kiss was gentler than she wanted- Hermione dug the fingernails of one hand into his back and reached up to his hair with the other. With a growl low in his throat he lifted her onto her desk, trying to find a position that wasn't going to kill his neck.
Still she wasn't tall enough. Hermione didn't seem to mind over much after a while, pulling away to start unbuttoning his shirt.
She had only gotten through three buttons when Severus reached up, stilling her hands. "Where do you want this to go, Hermione?" he asked quietly.
Hermione stared at their hands, not at his face. "Farther than we've gone thus far," she responded. "Severus, I want you sometimes."
"Why right now?" he asked. "What happened?"
Her eyes flashed to his, something unknown stirring in their depths. "Nothing important." She leaned forward, pressing a hot mouthed kiss to the side of his neck.
It took his thoughts away from the Burrow and back to the woman in front of him, the woman whose tongue had just flicked across the sensitive skin of his neck, who was trailing slow kisses down his neck to his shoulder, who nipped as his collarbone, who pushed his shirt off his shoulders- when had she finished unbuttoning it?- and who trailed her fingers down the length of his back. They felt like fire, those hands, trailing down his back gently. The scar tissue was oddly sensitive, and he felt self conscious for a brief moment before he saw her face, how amazed she looked.
Severus knew he was nothing much to look at- he was strong, but his muscles were flat and ropy. His skin was pale, terribly so, which made his sparse dusting of black hair stand out starkly against his flesh. On his left arm the Dark Mark pulsed malevolently the snake moving slowly under his skin. He stepped back, allowing Hermione to examine him with curiosity on her face.
"Stand still," she murmured, scooting back on her desk. Papers crumpled beneath her, but she waved a hand absentmindedly and banished them to a corner of her room.
Hermione lifted a hand, placing it right over his heart. Her palm was warm, her room was cold. She moved her hand, brushing it over his flat brown nipple. His breath hissed out of his mouth, and her eyes flicked to his face. A small half-smile played on her face, a smile that told him that she was reveling in this type of power over him. Slowly she trailed her hand, keeping it flat to his skin, down from his chest to his abdomen, feeling his muscles clench as her warm, warm palm touched them. Finally, she traced the thin trail of dark hair that started at his belly button, following it until she reached the waistband, curling her fingers under it. His cock, hard in his pants, twitched.
"Satisfied?" he asked, his voice barely audible.
Hermione tugged him closer, arching up and winding her arms about his neck. "Very much so," she replied, her voice almost a purr. She pressed one kiss to the side of his neck, and then stretched farther and made it to his mouth, kissing him hard.
It felt so odd to be half clothed in her presence, to feel the buttons of Hermione's sensible collared shirt against his skin. He grasped her waist tightly, his hands feeling almost too large for her tiny body. Cautiously he raised one hand to her breast, palming it gently. She made a small noise of either surprise or appreciation into his mouth, and he did it again, harder.
Their lips parted for a moment, long enough for her to gasp his name, as he lifted her from desk to press her against the closest surface: the door. Severus moved her against the hard surface gently this time, keeping her up by pressing his leg into her core even as her legs wrapped around his lips. He had never hated a skirt so much in that moment, all the material that was keeping him from feeling more than the barest hint of the warmth of that aching part of her. His cock was hard between them already- just from kissing her, from her hands on his skin, just from her lips on his neck and her hand so close to his cock and the feeling of her breast in his hand.
They were kissing quite eagerly, and Severus was thinking quite seriously about trying to unbutton her blouse, when someone knocked on her door. They both felt the vibration against the door, three insistent knocks.
"Hermione?" It was that blasted Diggory boy, that fleckling, rotten, sarden, utterly inconvenient excuse for a wizard. Severus pulled away from Hermione harshly, looking her over quickly. "Are you okay? Could you open the door?"
"You told me nothing had happened," he hissed at her.
Hermione flushed, but wiggled away, darting to a mirror. Her hands were trying to smooth down her hair quickly. "I'll explain. Um- the closet, perhaps? Would that work?"
She's shoving me into the bloody closet? With a half snarl on his face, Severus folded himself into Hermione's closet just as she opened her door to Cedric.
"What's going on?" she asked, trying to catch her breath. It was obvious that she had been up to something- her cheeks were pink (they were never pink normally) and her breath was coming hard. Her shirt had been hastily tucked into her skirt, which was rumpled itself. Her hair was also a mess, but at least the explosion of curls hid the marks he was sure he had left on her neck.
Cedric frowned at her- he could see it hazily through a crack in the closet door. The handsome face, twisted in concern. "You left the Weasley's really quickly. I thought you might be upset after what had happened."
"So you came up here to check on me?" Hermione's voice was tight- not unfriendly but not happy either. He could see the line of tension in her shoulders. "That wasn't necessary, Cedric."
Cedric sighed. "Can I talk to you for a minute, Hermione?" There as a slight pause. "Maybe not in the hallway?"
Severus was hoping she wouldn't agree, but Hermione moved back and opened her door large enough for Cedric to slip in. With a low groan he noticed his white shirt on the floor- abandoned there by Hermione when she had pushed it off his shoulders. Cedric noticed it just as Hermione did- he flushed slightly and looked away. Hermione scooped up the shirt, her mouth clenched tight, and folded it quickly before setting it on her bed.
"What is it, Cedric?" she asked, exasperation in her voice.
Cedric folded his arms across his chest, looking at her curiously. "What is it with you? Does my presence here really annoy you that much?"
Severus couldn't see what flashed across Hermione's face, but he did see how she hunched her shoulders in guilt and surprise. "No- sorry. You've caught me at a bad time, is all." Cedric's eyes flicked to the shirt again, then back to Hermione.
"Listen- I don't know what you're doing. I know it's important, but I don't know exactly what it is. And I doubt you want to tell me. But we are living here together, so I do see I bit of it. So I wanted to apologize for what I said at dinner, and for bringing up your personal life." The boy looked sickeningly sincere. He brought up her personal life? What personal life?
Hermione sighed, and a hand went to try to smooth down her untamable hair. He saw the small hand wind in her curls, tugging. "Yeah. Thanks. I know it seems weird that I would keep things from Harry and Ron, but there is so much that they don't know- that they can't know- that it would be better if you didn't mention things at all from now on, okay?"
Cedric grinned at her. "Will do. I'll keep it all hush-hush. And listen- I don't know what I did to piss you off, but could you maybe think about giving me a second chance?"
She sounded confused when she spoke. "You didn't do anything, Cedric. I don't know what you're talking about."
"So you normally glare at everyone you feel ambivalent toward?" the boy's voice was softly teasing. "Alright, then. See you tomorrow." He left, shutting the door behind him with a soft click.
Severus waited a moment before sliding out of the closet. He folded his arms across his chest, glaring down his impressive nose at Hermione. "So the nothing that happened at the Burrow was bad enough to bring Diggory down here?"
Hermione turned to face him. Her mouth had a mulish set to it, and her arms were folded just as tightly. "I said it was no big deal, Severus. Trust me, okay?"
"Except you lied the first time," Severus snapped. "What happened?"
Her eyes had flicked down to his chest for a moment, sparking a rise of irritation in Severus. He moved around her, snatched his shirt from her bed, and began re-dressing in quick, sharp movements. Hermione bit her lip.
"Nothing much, Severus," she insisted again. "You know Ron- he has no tact. He keeps saying rude things about me and then Cedric feels the need to jump to my defense even though he doesn't know what he is talking about- it's no big deal, really- Severus! Where are you going?"
He sneered at her as his coat snapped around him and he straightened his shoulders. "To go somewhere my time will be better spent. Collecting information, perhaps."
Hermione seemed to waver between wanting to ask him to stay and to let him go angrily. She had lifted a hand, but then she dropped it, going over to her bed and sitting down. "Fine," she said. Her voice sounded weary, just utterly defeated. "Go. Sorry. I'm going to keep going through all of these books."
Severus himself had been hesitating, waiting for her to ask him to stay. "Fine," he snapped back. "I'm not a therapist, Hermione. Call me if you have something important to tell me, not if you are going to use me to make yourself feel better."
St. Mungo's was a roaring mess of noise and color. In the summer a variety of health troubles could be found in the waiting room; Hermione identified three cases of dragon pox, what she thought was a botched self-transfiguration, and two and a half splinchings. There was a man in three sweaters and a wool jacket who was shivering desperately under a cooling charm he had mispronounced, his lips blue as he waited to be helped. In the corner sat three children playing a game of Exploding Snap, who appeared to have swapped noses.
Hermione wove through the crowd, finding the stairway with a sigh of relief. Too many people, too much noise, not enough peace. She was used to hospitals done the Muggle way, where quiet and attempts at peaceful shades of green and cream ruled, not that hodgepodge of crises.
Tonks was in a room off to the side, a private ward that was reserved for Aurors who had been injured in the line of duty. Hermione was given an odd look when she asked to see her friend, but was allowed in nonetheless.
Today the Metamorphmagus sported spiky dark blue hair and bright freckles. Hermione couldn't see her eyes, focused as Tonks was on the crossword puzzle from The Daily Prophet. The crossword had been a habit of hers from her time at Hogwarts, and Hermione couldn't count the times Tonks had looked up from the paper, frowned, and asked Hermione an obscure question somehow related to the magical world.
Hermione's boots clicked on the tile floor of the ward, alerting the Auror's sharp reflexes. Tonks looked up warily, but her face brightened into a smile and her hair to bubblegum pink when she saw Hermione. "Wotcher, Hermione!"
"Hullo, Tonks," Hermione replied, suddenly overwhelmed. Tonks seemed to genuinely happy to see her, despite all the time that had passed. The night before Hermione had gone to bed angry at Severus and alone and slimy from the soul magic on her skin after spending half the night reading.
Tonks pushed away the crossword, gesturing at the seat near her bed. "Sit down! Do you have time to stay?"
Hermione sank into the chair, one hand going to the thin gold chain around her neck. "Tonks, I have all the time in the world."
"You still have that, then?" Tonks asked quietly, regarding Hermione carefully. Her forehead wrinkled, then smoothed. "Don't tell me, actually. All of the Ministry's Time Turners were smashed in the battle. A certain someone stumbled into them."
Hermione let her hand drift to the pearl she wore instead. "How awful. But I'm more concerned about you, Tonks. What happened? I got the report but I didn't hear from anyone who had actually seen anything."
Tonks shrugged, wincing as she did so. "My dear Auntie Bellatrix decided to be nasty and curse me."
"I've been cursed by her and it was miserable," Hermione said with a shudder. "If if hadn't been for Severus being right there I would have been brought here. As it was I still was bedridden for a week and a half and it still hurts sometimes."
"I heard someone got her for me, though," Tonks said. The tips of her hair had started to go violet, then blue, the sign that she was thinking hard. "I've heard some rumors, Hermione. Things that I wouldn't believe, except-"
If she's heard them, cooped up in here, I wonder if everyone has. "Except you trained with me all that time ago," Hermione said with a sigh. I can't get away from it even here. Have I pushed everyone away?
The defeated tone of Hermione's voice must have been obvious. Tonks sat up, pulling her knees to her chest and clutching them as she looked at Hermione. "What's wrong?"
Hermione felt the tears pressing at the back of her eyes. Looking into Tonks' honest face made the pressure worse, so she looked away. "I came here to make sure you were alright, not to talk about my problems."
"I'm fine," Tonks said dryly. "If you had come a week ago I wouldn't have been as fine as I am now, but I'm all set, Hermione. They're discharging me the day after tomorrow, if I'm lucky. Then I can go home and be fussed over by my mum and dad."
Hermione buried her head in her hands, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "You're right- something happened yesterday and I needed to talk and realized I had no one to talk to. I missed you."
A friendly hand went to Hermione's shoulder, rubbing it lightly. "I've missed you too, you know." The admission was said with more somberness than Tonks normally spoke with. "I didn't begrudge you, you know. The amount of stuff you're doing, Hermione- I can't believe you're only sixteen. Or- however old you are."
Hermione lifted her head up taking a shaky breath. "Let's just say I'm closer to twenty than to seventeen," she murmured.
"You have a lot on your plate for someone who's been out of Hogwarts ten years, let alone barely finished their O.W.L.'s," said Tonks. Her hair had settled into a serious dark blue. "It could be too much for anyone to handle sometimes."
"I feel so alone sometimes," Hermione said quietly. "There's so much I can't say to anyone. The only person I can talk to is Severus, and he's..." she let her voice trail off.
Tonks gave a short, sharp laugh. "Severus is to friendly as the Ministry is to competent."
That made a smile appear on Hermione's face. "That's one way of putting it. But he's also the only one who gets it all- the fighting, the spying, the killing, the lying. I can't talk to Harry about it, or to Ron, or to Cedric or the anyone else, Tonks. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning under all the lies and the silence and I can't breathe or call out for help. And everything is so goddamn complicated right now and it would take a year and a half to explain it properly. Nothing is straightforward and nothing is clear and nothing makes sense right now."
"I'd ask you to spill but I think that the reason half of this stuff is driving you nuts is because you can't talk about it with anyone." Tonks was right- the words rang true to Hermione as soon as she had said them. "Either because it's too dangerous for them to know, or you're afraid of their reaction to them."
"If I told Harry some of the things I've done on his behalf, he would be horrified." There was no doubt in Hermione's voice. "I'm horrified at myself sometimes."
Tonks sat up straighter in her bed. "Listen to me seriously for a sec, Hermione. There's a difference between doing a bad thing just to do that thing or because it makes you happy, and doing a bad thing because something good will come of it. I know that there are people who stay shit like 'the ends don't justify the means' but the fact of the matter is, Hermione, that they do. So if you've killed a man to keep Harry Potter, the only hope for a sane future that we have, alive, then you were doing a good thing. The act of killing itself isn't good, but saving another person is. Protecting a child is good. Fighting the evil and wrong in this world is good. Understand?"
"I do in theory," Hermione said with a sigh. She looked up at Tonks, her eyes imploring. "But knowing something in theory and actually internalizing it and understanding it are two very different things, you know? I know there are somethings I feel guilty for that I shouldn't feel guilty about, but I do anyway."
Tonks held up a hand. "I didn't say you shouldn't feel guilty about them," she corrected. "I don't think that the guilt ever goes away, unless you are one of those people who can brush off lives like they're nothing. But just be able to remind yourself that you were doing what you believed to be right, and it can stop the guilt from overtaking your life."
She's right, Hermione thought gratefully. "Tonks, I'd forgotten how absolutely wonderful it is to talk with you. My head feels less tangled now."
They laughed together. As the foreign as the laugh felt, trickling from her throat, it still felt good. "Is there anything else that's been going on? Boy troubles, perhaps?" asked Tonks teasingly.
Hermione's laugh caught in her throat and she started coughing. Tonks raised eyebrows that were changing from dark blue to a bright pink in surprise. "Really?"
Shite. Hermione, still choking, couldn't control the blush that spread from her cheeks to her neck. But what would the harm be in telling someone about... it? If I don't give names, if I don't elaborate...
Now Tonks' hair was back to the bright pink of light hearted teasing. "Who is it? Is he handsome? Is she handsome? Is it a Muggle?"
Hermione waved a hand, taking in deep breaths. "Don't ask to many questions," she warned. "I can't saying anything about this one either."
Tonks frowned. "Why not? Love isn't a bad thing, Hermione. If it makes you happy, go for it."
"I'm not sure I'm entirely happy," Hermione admitted. "He's not very happy with me at the moment. It's bad timing, it's an odd match, and I'm not sure how this is supposed to work."
Eyebrows shot up on Tonks' head. "Do I need to give you the sex talk, Hermione? The birds and the bees? When Mummy and Daddy love each other very much-"
"Oh, hush you," Hermione said, shoving Tonks lightly. "Honestly. I've read enough books to know what goes where, thank you very much. It's just confusing, that's all."
Tonks settled back against her pillows. "First love is always confusing. But let's clear it up. Do you like him?"
"Yes. Obviously," Hermione said, blushing.
"Does he like you?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Why aren't you sure? Has he kissed you?"
Another blush preceded this answer. "Yes."
"Does it go deeper than just the physical stuff?"
"Yeah. A lot deeper, Tonks."
"That's a good thing," said the older woman encouragingly. "Now, the question is, why are you upset?"
"We're fighting," Hermione said after a moment. "I'm never sure of anything with him except that he knows more about me than I know about me, that I'm totally in love with him, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not really sure he knows either, but I'm floundering in inexperience and miscommunication and we're just too close sometimes."
Tonks let out a low whistle. "Well. That's seems like a lot. Love, really?"
"Yes," replied Hermione quietly. "And that complicates things. This relationship was never supposed to have started and I don't know how it's going to end or where it's supposed to go or what I'm ready for because he knows what he is doing and I have no bloody idea."
"I hope you don't mind me asking this," Tonks hedged. "But is he significantly older than you?"
What harm could it do? I've barely told her anything. "Yes."
To Hermione's surprise, Tonks started laughing. "This isn't funny!" she exclaimed.
"I'm not laughing at you," said Tonks between giggles. "I'm laughing at the fact that we are on almost identical flying carpets here, my friend."
What? She's in a relationship with an older man? "I'm lost," Hermione said, frowning at her giggling friend. "You're saying that you are in some kind of relationship too? Last I heard from Molly you were single."
That stopped Tonks' giggles. "Unfortunately," she said, heaving a great sigh. "Mine isn't coming around as easily as yours is. In fact, he's refusing to admit that there are any feelings between us at all."
"Well, shite," Hermione said, leaning back in her chair. "I'd say spill all, but if you want to keep it private, I get it. I'm not telling who mine is, you don't have to say anything about yours."
"As long as you swear not to tell or react to this, I'll explain," Tonks said with a shrug. "I don't care if anyone knows I love him- enough people have noticed it already. I'm surprised you haven't, really. If you think back on it I'm sure you can figure it out."
Hermione raised a questioning eyebrow at her friend. "Is that a challenge?"
"Go for it," Tonks replied, gesturing for Hermione to go right ahead.
Who has been avoiding Tonks lately? thought Hermione. What guy has been acting odd around her? Or has she been acting odd around? At the last Order meeting she was sitting next to Shacklebolt... and he's her boss which would make sense if he didn't want a relationship with a subordinate... and at the meeting before that she was sitting by Mad Eye- too old, more like a father figure than a lover, I'd hope. Why did I notice that? Why did the fact that she was sitting with those two men stick in my head? Because... because... because. Ah. Because the spot to Tonks' left is normally taken by Remus Lupin and it hasn't been in a while.
"Remus," Hermione guessed. "Him or Kingsley."
Tonks grinned at her. "Right on the money. Yeah. Remus Lupin kissed me and has refused to talk to me for the last.. three months? I didn't even get a card here in the hospital."
"At least he didn't make you believe he was in love with someone else, get mad at you for avoiding him, and then snog your brains out on your first kiss," Hermione countered. "I had no idea what I was doing."
"You never know what you're doing on your first kiss," Tonks said with a shrug. "At least yours sounds nice. Mine was slimy."
Hermione wrinkled her nose. "Ew. And with Remus?"
Tonks sat up, then flopped back onto her pillows dramatically. "He's a glorious kisser. Sweet, sensitive... it was right before the full moon, so a bit rough too..."
Although she had only planned to stay for forty-five minutes or so, Hermione was at St. Mungo's for more than three hours, just talking with Tonks. There was a lightness in her chest that stayed with Hermione for the rest of the day, even as she once again cracked open the dusty spines of the Dark Arts books in her room and steadily ignored Severus' absence from the house.
And so ends Chapter 41.
A lot of people were confused- the chapter 42 I was talking about is the next chapter. Sorry! But this one had some steaminess in it too.
Loving all the reviews! Can we keep it up please? And a reminder that my PM's are open! Shot me a question or message there if you want. :)
Personal life... well, I'm getting everything sorted for Malta and Italy. Going to be breaking up with Rwandan #2 next time I see him (which is dreadfully nerve wracking). Long story short, he's not a total jerk like the other one, but he's trying to pressure me and I'm not ok with that. The roommate is still awesome, my classes are new and great (SO many women and gender studies courses whooo!) I'll be in lab today until 5:30 so leave me lovely reviews to perk my spirits up after Chem.
Excerpt:
Everyone began to move toward the kitchen, but Hermione made a bee line for Dumbledore. Who was the person behind him? She hadn't cleared anyone recently to come to an Inner Circle meeting! The figure looked vaguely familiar, but only vaguely.
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