Author's note: Y'all thought I forgot about Dina? Psh. This chapter is devoted to her. I'd say it's pretty chunky too. Put a lot of feeling into it.
Fair warning, though. The next chapter will be over twice as long. Just how it had to be.
Dina painted her door salmon pink. She kept wanting to paint the farmhouse door too, but Ellie had stood firm. Ellie takes a deep breath, then knocks.
She's really, really trying not to think too hard. But through a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, she does suspect Dina knows she's in town. She is proven wrong.
Dina opens the door in an apron, wiping her hands on it. When she sees Ellie, her entire body goes still as stone.
This would be Ellie's chance to say something. She might even have an idea of what to say, but her mouth doesn't seem to want to open.
Dina blinks a few times. Her mouth twitches, and she reaches out and slaps Ellie hard.
Ellie's head turns from the blow, some of her hair covers her face and she lets it. She slides a thumb over the skin that's probably already turning pink. It really, really stings.
When she looks again Dina's face hasn't changed. She doesn't say anything, she just steps back and holds the door open.
Ellie walks inside. The foyer is baby blue. There's a doily on the entry table. The kitchen is on the left, black and white tile. The living room is on the right, with a recliner and a plaid couch. It's really quiet. This is going worse than she feared.
She hears Dina close the door. Someone is coming down the stairs. A man approaches through the living room.
"Babe, who is it? Cause I thought I heard—" He stops. He looks from Dina to Ellie. Then his eyes go wide with recognition. "Oh my god."
He's not how she drew him. He's pretty handsome, and she's annoyed to find it annoys her. Not really a tough guy, though. Kind of the opposite, from the looks of it.
Ellie has the absurd desire to introduce herself, but Dina's presence next to her is like a column of fire. She turns to her, willing back tears.
"Look, I never expected you to make this easy for me, but Dina would you please say something?"
"Why now?" Dina asks.
Ellie takes a few breaths. "Don't you want to ask me why in the first place?"
"Dina, should I…?" her husband starts, but Dina silences him with a curt gesture. She's staring at Ellie.
"I left because—"
"Did you kill her?" Dina interrupts.
"What?" Ellie is thrown off, but Dina does not repeat herself. "Abby? No." She shakes her head, buffeted by bad memories. "No, I fucking, it doesn't matter, I don't care about that anymore."
"Good."
"Look—"
"If you don't care about that anymore, why did it take you a year and a half to come back here? A year and a half of me wondering if I'd ever see you again?"
"That's why I left you…"
Dina wears a bitter smile. She fishes around in her apron pocket for a minute and produces Ellie's pick.
She really isn't making this easy. "I didn't want you to worry… maybe it's stupid… but I wasn't ready to come back to Jackson yet. To you, Jackson was always Jackson. But for me now, it's Jackson without Joel, okay?"
"Don't lay this at his feet."
"Hey!" It comes out much louder than she meant, Dina shudders and her husband tenses up. Ellie holds up her hand, which is shaking a little. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but we do not need to talk about Joel right now, okay?"
Dina looks down and gives a little nod. She gestures to her husband who loosens up and sighs. "I'm putting on some goddamn tea," he says.
The anger had torn up through her almost like it used to, but now it was gone and the ice was coming back. She deftly whisks a tear from her right eye. "Dina, look, ask me whatever you want, I'll tell you. Then I'll leave forever if you want."
"If I want?" Dina replies incredulously. "As if I want you to leave? Have you forgotten our last conversation?"
"No…" The kitchen in the pre-dawn light comes back in remarkable clarity. Along with the feeling in her chest that had driven her to abandon the two most cherished people in her world for a mission of madness. She's starting to feel sick. "I haven't."
Cracks are starting to form on Dina's face. She can tell what kind of damage she's doing.
"We needed you."
Ellie tries to focus on her breathing. She swallows, and nods.
"He needed you."
That tears it, and Ellie goes for the door.
"No,Ellie, stop." Dina grabs her by the shoulders. Ellie tries to pull away but it's too weak. "Ellie, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I'm really sorry. We're done, okay? That's done. We're not saying anything we don't both know, okay? I'm not watching you fucking walk away from me again. Now close the door."
Ellie's shoulders are trembling and she knows Dina can feel it. She can taste her own snot. Tears are dripping from her chin. She hates this.
She uses her shirt to wipe her face, getting most of it, and closes the door.
"Girls, come on in here now." It's the man. He's also wearing an apron now, which absurdly makes Ellie want to laugh, and punch his stupid fucking handsome fucking face. "Sit down, have some tea." He looks at Ellie. "Do you want me to go?"
Ellie frowns. He's asking her? What right did she have to tell him to go, in his own home? But Dina responds first.
"No."
Dina guides Ellie to a chair and sits her down.
Ellie can't tell what the tea is. Joel was more into that stuff than her. It's earthy, though. She kind of likes it.
Dina sighs. "Ellie, what the fuck happened?"
Ellie looks up. "What do you mean?"
Dina rolls her eyes then gestures around her face.
Ellie's confused. Oh. The fight with Clint. She probably looks like a goon. "I had this, thing I had to do."
"That happened in Jackson?"
"It wasn't serious, look, we can talk about that later." Ellie sighs. "Dina, look, the thing I want more than anything right now is just for you to tell me what you're thinking."
Dina's face has finally changed. Her concern is obvious and in a way, that's worse.
"Ellie, all we ever wanted was for you to come home."
It's perfectly just, and it surprises Ellie how much it hurts. She doesn't respond for a second. She decides it feels good, to have it laid out like that. She starts nodding.
"I know. I know, but I couldn't, Dina."
"Why not?"
"I had to… walk it off."
"Walk what off?"
Ellie's breaths deepen. She's staring at the woodgrain of the table. "I don't know if I can put it into words."
"Can you try? Even if it's just a little?"
Ellie releases a big breath. "I never wanted to kill Abby. I told myself I did, but it was a distraction. Once I got past the distraction…" Her mouth fumbles. She's not sure she can do it. She does not want to cry again. "All I had left was Joel."
The man is confused. But after looking in Dina's eyes for a second, Ellie thinks she gets it.
"Ellie, why would you want to go through that alone?"
Ellie's brow pinches. That doesn't even make fucking sense. "Who the hell would I share that with?"
"Ellie, you could have shared it with me. I was there for you."
Her husband shifts in his chair, uncomfortable.
For a second it's the same old Dina. The big brown eyes she had fallen in love with. She meant what she was saying, she really did. Same old Dina gall, too, that she would say all that in front of her husband. But she didn't get it. Just like none of them got it. And never would. The more of this world she travels, the more she thinks it true.
No one else would ever understand what she and Joel had meant to each other.
Ellie smiles sadly and looks away, and suddenly she just feels heavy. Dina grabs her hand.
"Ellie…"
"Babe…" her husband starts. Dina looks at him, annoyed at the distraction, shaking her head.
"Well that didn't happen," Ellie says, looking Dina in the eye. She removes her hand, slowly but firmly. "Because that's now how it needed to happen for me. I don't think I can explain better than that."
Dina's taken aback. "Fuck you for saying that…"
"It's not like I want it to be that way, it's just the way it is. I had to do it on my own."
"You gonna do everything on your own, then?"
Ellie twists her mouth. That's territory she'd rather avoid for the moment. But Dina doesn't let it get away.
"Ellie, tell me you are not leaving Jackson again."
"Dina, I—"
"Ellie, tell me."
Ellie sighs. "Alright, listen." She leans over the table and Dina does the same, eyes locked on her. The table creaks under their weight. Her husband has a hand halfway to Dina as if to support her if she falls. The moment hangs.
"I'm going to find the Fireflies again."
Dina retracts her head. "What?"
"I'm—"
"—in the fuck, why?"
"Joel killed Dr. Andersen, the only person they knew at the time who could use me to formulate a cure. But there have got to be other doctors out there somewhere, and if there are, the Fireflies will find them. And the other half of the deal is still on the table."
Dina doesn't respond. Ellie holds out her forearm, covered in her Firefly tattoo. And the bite mark, underneath it.
In an instant, Dina's eyes fill with tears. "Ellie please don't."
Jesus, that's her play? "Dina—"
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Jesus, Dina—"
It goes on for some time. Eventually her husband has to turn her to face him and—bless his soul—he tells her it's Ellie's choice. And then he asks what the fuck we are talking about, politely.
He seems like a good guy. Ellie tells him. Everything. He's pretty gobsmacked. Eventually he finds his voice. He looks at Dina.
"She's gotta do it."
"What?" Dina practically yells. She smacks him on the arm. "No!" she says in disbelief. She smacks his arm again.
"You told me Ellie is the biggest badass you ever met in your life, except for maybe that Viking woman. She just traveled a year and a half around the country alone."
"Dale, this is not what Ellie needs."
"Actually, Dina, it is." Ellie can feel the strength in her voice. It feels good. Dina looks at her with fear in her eyes. "Dina when I left that farmhouse, I needed something and I didn't know what. I found it out there on the road. I found it in fear, and oppression, violence, hate and control. It's the infection. It brings out the worst in everyone, everywhere. It needs to stop. It needs to stop forever.
"And I can make that happen."
Dina goes to speak and it just comes out a sob. Her chair squeals as she gets up. Ellie couldn't get away if she tried, and in a second she finds herself smothered in Dina's embrace.
"I'm really sorry I slapped you."
"It's fine."
"And that other stuff I said."
"I get it."
They're sitting in the living room, now. There a fresh flowers in a vase on the coffee table. None of the lights are on and it's dimly lit through the curtains. It's to Ellie's liking.
After pulling herself together, Dina actually gave Ellie her blessing. She also asked why Ellie is so good at making her mad. Ellie introduced herself to Dale, kind of embarrassed. They moved to the living room just to take a fucking breather and talk about the small stuff for a while. News around Jackson, any new traders come through this month, there's talk of starting a baseball league, does Maedlyn have a boyfriend yet. Ellie held her poker face on that one. Apparently she has a habit of dating men, but it never seems to go anywhere.
It doesn't take that long for JJ to come up.
Dale hikes his eyebrows, attempting to be convincing. "Dina says she hopes the league does get going, 'cause JJ's gonna grow up to be a slugger."
Ellie's smile fades and she looks at the carpet.
"Oh, I…" Dale sounds sheepish.
"Babe," Dina says, "you've done a great job today, but maybe on this one…"
"Oh. Yeah. Totally. Um." Awkwardly, he presents his hand, and Ellie shakes it, confused. "I'm gonna head over to the market. We're out of apples again."
Once Dale closes the door, Ellie finds Dina's eyes. She'd been scared to bring JJ up. She still is. She waits for Dina to help her but she's just staring back.
She used to do that, a lot, actually. Ellie would be waiting for her to respond to a question or something and she just wouldn't. She'd just keep gazing at her, little smile on the corner of her lips. It drove Ellie crazy.
"I don't feel like you get to do that anymore." Ellie points to the ring on her left hand.
"I know what I can get away with."
Ellie doesn't say anything in response. She hikes her eyebrows and gives Dina a look.
"What?" Dina says.
"Him?"
"Excuse me?" says Dina. "You better be careful."
"I'm not…" she had had no intention of even going there. "I'm just… he's a little goofy, is all." She laughs but covers her eyes with her hands. Was she being an asshole?
"I know," says Dina, "I love it."
"Really?"
"Why do you ask that like you're…" Dina stops. She half smiles. "Oh my god, you're such an asshole."
Oh, shit. "Why?"
Dina scoffs. "You're asking because you think you're not goofy and…"
"And what?"
"Well, why don't you say it, Ellie?"
"I don't know what—"
"Look, Ellie," asserts Dina, "you are goofy, first of all—"
"No, wait, that's not—"
Dina screws up her lips and lowers her voice. "Attention, Space Spud, this is mission control…"
Ellie is nonplussed.
"—we have a mission critical situation in your pants—"
"Okay if JJ was in the room it obviously doesn't count—"
"Oh, it counts," says Dina. Ellie cannot let her face show what Dina's smile is doing for her right now. "And you were ten times goofier with him than me."
"I mean…" it was one of those arguments where she wanted to fight back but her smile was betraying her, "what about besides that?"
Dina goes to speak, and her smile fades. She leans back. "Well your fifty or sixty pet names for me come to mind, but I don't think we need to get into that."
"Oh. Yeah." Ellie had been leaning over her knees. She relaxes back into the couch.
I am an asshole, aren't I?
"What do you want to ask me, Ellie?"
Ellie swallows. "What would I have to do to see him again?"
If Dina said stay in Jackson, and meant it, Ellie would be dead to rights. Dina is not scowling, but she is not smiling. As Ellie watches, a certain chill comes up against the warmth in her eyes. She speaks.
"Never make him a promise you wouldn't defend with your life."
"Okay." Ellie responds instantly, but she means it. Her throat feels dry. "Okay."
Wordlessly, Dina stands up and leads Ellie up the stairs. When they walk through the baby blue door into JJ's room, he's stirring from his nap. Dina looks at Ellie. Her eyes say get ready, but Ellie's not sure what for. She's nervous as hell, though.
Dina reaches down and picks him up.
"Oh, yeah. I know, I know. Time for wakey."
He continues to fuss but as she bounces him against her chest he quiets down.
"We have a visitor, JJ. Do you know who it is?"
He doesn't respond. He's a little over two. Some babies talk at that age. God… she feels so out of the loop. What did she miss? She scratches the back of her head, embarrassed. Should she even be here?
Eventually, JJ finds his curiosity and climbs up to look over his mom's shoulder, and he sees Ellie. He erupts into crying.
Horrified, Ellie does not know what to do. Dina is comforting him patiently, this is not a first for her. Ellie feels the wall bump into her back. Was this a mistake? Should she go? The image of his little face contorting like that is making her chest hurt in a way she's not sure she can handle.
Dina sees her backing away and she shakes her head firmly. She beckons Ellie. Still scared, Ellie approaches. He missed you, Dina mouths.
JJ's head is buried in Dina's shoulder, wet wailing muted by her shirt. Dina gestures for Ellie to do something. Ellie hesitates, then lays her good hand on his back, as gently as she can.
JJ lifts his head and looks at her, his eyes are still full of tears. Then all at once his face changes to total longing and he reaches his little arms out to her, and nothing on the planet could have kept Ellie from him. She scoops him into her arms and suddenly her vision is all blurry.
"Oh JJ, little guy, I missed you so much! I missed you so much! Oh my god, I can't believe this. Oh, little spud, this makes everything worth it…"
JJ is talking too, but she can't understand him at all. They go on for a little while. Ellie can't see Dina, but she can feel her there, bearing witness.
JJ pulls himself together before Ellie does. He's tugging on her shirt. Honestly, she's not really used to two way communication with him. She leans back and looks at him. He says something.
"What?"
"We play!" he says. His eyes say this is very important.
"Oh, um," she looks at Dina, who's eyes say why are you looking at me, dummy? "Yeah. Yep. We play, little spud."
Then JJ does a big smile, and Ellie's world is just about complete.
She carries him downstairs to his hand painted toy box—by Dale, apparently, big points for that—and they get to work while Dina silently goes off to get dinner started. He's very fond of wooden blocks. His constructions are not as elaborate as Ellie's though, which he stares at in fascinated confusion.
Dale gets back a little while later and snorts when he sees them. "Did you show her the train?"
JJ thinks for a second then smiles big again and claps his hands. With Ellie's help he retrieves several wooden train cars that connect by magnets. It's a great toy, Ellie thinks. They spend a long time connecting them, rolling it around, disconnecting them. Ellie makes sure to provide plenty of sound effects, which he loves. Other than that, there's almost no talking anywhere in the house.
Dina calls them for dinner a little later. Ellie protests but Dina says she's not going anywhere yet. At the table she has Ellie feed JJ, who just can't seem to stop staring at her. It makes it pretty easy to feed him. Although he can almost feed himself at this point.
"Want to watch a movie after dinner?" Dina asks with a secretive smile.
Ellie frowns, mouth half full. "What, down at Georgies?"
"No, in there." Dina gestures to the living room.
Ellie stares. "You do not have movies in your house."
Dina giggles and looks at Dale, who's a little chagrined. "Always bragging about it, jeez." He looks at Ellie. "Trader Mackey comes to town a few months ago. Knows electronics. His cart is full of circuit boards and all that crap that most sensible people have no use for. People make fun of him until he starts churning out these incredible things." He gestures. "Like our 'DVD' player. Trades for all kinds of things. He says when he finally found a settlement with permanent on-grid power he thought he'd died and gone to heaven. Gonna die a rich man, I'll tell you that. He's not greedy though, he even took on an apprentice."
Dina gives her a meaningful look. Ellie looks at Dale. "What, you?"
Dale nods with what she might describe as false modesty. Not as false as Maedlyn's, though.
"Now who's bragging, huh? Wow, Dina you really made out, didn't you?"
Dina shrugs, smiling.
Doubt tugs at Ellie's mind. "Dina… I still have to see Tommy later. It has to be today."
She nods. "Well, that shouldn't be a problem since it seems he's become a bit of a night owl."
Ellie picks something up in her voice. "How's... he doing?"
The question puts a sour twist on Dina's lips. "Not as good as you, believe it or not."
Shit. Ellie would cross that bridge when she came to it.
It felt weird to watch a movie after so long on the road. And in a living room. It was disorienting.
JJ laid in his mom's lap and laid his head in Ellie's. He fell asleep halfway through. Ellie spent more time looking at him than the screen.
She took another deep breath. The next tough pill was coming. And she wasn't thinking of Tommy.
They had the audacity to offer her ice cream after the end of the movie—they're just showing off, now. Or trying to convince her to stay in Jackson, more likely. But she refused. She needed to see Tommy and she didn't want him to be drunk when she got there.
Dina carried JJ up to bed, but she let Ellie tuck him in. He fussed but he was clearly tired. She was tracing his arm with her finger when he grabs her, hard. He looks at her as if to say don't go away again. Ellie's heart starts pumping and she feels like she might slip again, until Dina puts a hand on her back and her head against her shoulder.
Eventually JJ drifts off, and Ellie puts his hand by his side under the blanket.
"I'm terrified of when I have to say goodbye again," Ellie says.
"I know, Ellie," Dina replies. "I'm sorry, but that's the burden of this path you've chosen."
"I know."
"Ellie, I want you to promise me something." Dina turns Ellie to face her. She's speaking quietly, but her eyes are deathly serious. "Go off, go on, then, if that's what you really have to do. But don't you once, for a single second lament what you had with me and JJ because it causes you pain to think about it."
Ellie stares.
"And that goes for all the others, too."
Strands of dark hair still stick out from her ponytail tie, by her temples, framing her beautiful face. She's turning into a good wife, and a good mother. She narrows her eyes.
"Ellie."
"JJ is so lucky to have you."
Dina frowns in confusion. "Ellie I asked you to—"
Ellie moves around Dina and starts climbing down the stairs.
"Ellie? Ellie! Ellie!"
Dale is watching her climb down the stairs from over the banister with a toothbrush in his hand. Ellie stops at the bottom. Dina's face is riven with concern, she looks at Dale for help but he's stunned.
"Thank you for sharing your beautiful home for a night," says Ellie, keeping her voice above the pain. "I'll be back around to say goodbye before I go."
"Ellie don't leave!"
But she does.