Author's Note: First, a technicality. I guess you can't strikethrough in this text editor. So instead, use X's to indicate parts of Ellie's journal that she's scratched out. That's all.
I'm aware this is anything but an uplifting story. It's definitely not a fix story. It's going to have a lot of dark patches. I just want you to know how much I care about Ellie. I'd never have considered writing fan fiction if it weren't for how I feel for her. The games wouldn't be half what they are without her. You play as Joel in the first one, but it has always been Ellie's story.
This story is about bringing about closure for Ellie's story, I promise. It's what she most deserves, after everything. It is also written to be true to the tone and nature of Naughty Dog's world. I feel like I need it to be that way, like it makes it more authentic.
The bad stuff is going to keep coming. But so does Ellie.
Wow. Long day.
After one of the most successful patrols in Jackson history, Clint took me down to the saloon. I thought it would take a while for him to forgive me. I was really hoping he wouldn't put two and two together. He was right, I did almost get him killed. But his attitude changed like instantly after that conversation. He even treated for dinner. Holy shit, he had a lot of notes. He really doesn't spend much money. Guess he doesn't have anything to spend it on…
Of course, I got mobbed by familiar faces. Everyone and their mother asking me how I've been, yada yada. Not my favorite, but I can't complain. It felt good to be welcome. Good eats too. I stole Clint's wallet at one point and bought some top shelf. Damn, even Seth seemed glad to see me. Asshole.
I don't know about Clint. I mean, I like him. And I guess I like him for the mission. From the moment in the caf when he told me he didn't need much. He could survive out there. Solid. Responsible. Maybe a little too all-business. He's good for the work, though.
Fuck, I really almost knifed him. He should have known better. After what happened at the Court. XThoughtXheXcouldXseeXwhatXIXamXnowX
No, no one carries the blame for that stuff but me.
I just don't know about bringing anyone with me. Maria asked… I can't believe that shit she said… about my humanity. It really hurts sucks cause we never talked a ton and I know she wouldn't have said that to me unless she thought I really needed to hear it.
XIXreallyXamXfuckedXup.X
I could trust Clint in the field. As long as he doesn't get weird. I'm thinking of Jesse now. I'm not writing about that anymore.
Fuck. This is supposed to, like, help me straighten out my thoughts but it's not working.
I don't want to leave Jackson. But what does what I want matter? I want to kick Dale's ass to the curb and pull Dina in for a kiss in front of the sunset.
Fuck, now I'm thinking about Maedlyn. It was only one night, but, man she said some crazy shit. Still going through my head. A lot of that night still going through my head… I can't believe she tried to act like I swept her off her feet or something. She knew what she was doing the whole time.
Shit! She was at the saloon too! I just remembered! She eyed me from across the bar where she was flirting with some guy. I'm like yeah, okay. I tried to go over and talk to her and she gave me the slip! Fucking trouble, I tell you.
Problem is? She deserves a hell of a lot better than me, whatever she says. XI'mXtrashX
She did say she would be cross if I didn't come back. Damn. I have to say goodbye to her too. I hate goodbyes.
XIXneverXhadXtoXsayXgoodbyeXtoXJoel.X
I never got to say goodbye to Joel.
Joel, I miss you so much. Can you read this? Can you still see me? I like to think so.
Know what the best part of forgiving you was? I stopped hating myself for holding it against you in the first place. I didn't realize how angry I was with myself. When we came to Jackson, we had nothing but each other, and I turned my back on you before we even set foot in town. That's done, though.
[Tear smudges.]
I feel this piece of you I'm still carrying, it's like there's a piece of you that got left in my heart when we were ripped apart. It's kinda sad, but I treasure it. Does that mean there's a piece of me with you, too? I hope so. XFeelsXlikeXmoreXthanXaXpiece.X
Okay, I need to stop. Rule number one of journaling: never assume someone won't find and read it.
I'm back in my old bachelor shack. It's actually great. Almost the same, except everything is covered in dust. The lava lamp still works! I'd have come here the first night if I wasn't worried about Maria picking me up. Except I managed to find somewhere even better to stay. Also except, Maria fucking picked me up anyway. God, I couldn't believe that shit. Almost broke down when I saw the empty guitar stand though.
Mourning feels better in Jackson. It's true. But I can't stay still, either. Now that I've found this thing I'm clinging to it. It's pulling me in, like the cure is a black hole and I'm a piece of space debris. Yeah, I like that. You've got to keep finding something to fight for.
Marlene knew what she was fighting for. She fought like hell. Then she went and fought Joel. Nothing got in his way and lived to tell. It's pretty messed up, really. I always did admire that though.
And now it's me.
Ellie probably got about four hours of sleep when there's a pounding at her door. She's pissed at first, but it keeps coming. She rubs her eye hard, pulling her pants on. It keeps coming and Ellie's starting to worry it's a real emergency. She throws open the door to see Maria, looking scared.
"Tommy's gone."
Ellie's stomach twists. She steps back and holds open the door. Maria looks confused. She's distracted. It's scaring the shit out of Ellie. "Maria get in here so I can get my gear!"
Maria complies. She paces the whole time Ellie is grabbing her stuff.
"How long has he been gone?" Ellie asks. "When's the last someone saw him?"
"Edmond saw him last night, heading home. He won't have slept. He's probably hours out already."
Ellie looks at the clock for the first time. It's 4:15. Still dead dark outside. "Jesus, how did you find out?"
"I, uh…" Maria shakes herself. "I woke up and I had a bad feeling. I went to his place and he… wasn't there."
"Did he leave a note?"
Maria shakes her head. It's a lie. As she's pacing, Ellie sees a piece of paper sticking out of her pocket. "I'm ready, let's go."
It's dead quiet. Old Lucas starts barking when they pass the Mayhew's. Maria hushes him and he listens, just like everyone else in Jackson. It's a bitter cold morning. Moths are flitting about the street lamps.
"Who did you call?"
"Dinas. He put together his own posse. He'll lead. I need you with him, though. You know Tommy. Clint will meet you at the gate."
Ellie stops. "What? Clint? Why?"
Maria looks confounded. "What do you mean why, girl? He's bound to travel across the country with you and he can't help with this?" How does she already know that? Ellie thinks. Jesus. Maria scowls in frustration. "Move your legs!"
Ellie's kinda pissed but she can't argue. It just… doesn't seem like Clint's business. Whatever, he could be helpful.
When they arrive there's already a sizable group of men on horse. Ellie's stomach twists again. This is real. Fuck. Tommy, what are you thinking?
But she knows.
Eddie is already there. She turns and Clint is walking up the lane by West Gate. He looks a little disoriented. He didn't sleep much either. As soon as he's close she faces him.
"This isn't something you have to deal with."
He looks at her, frowns, and climbs on Starbeam.
"Listen up!" Maria starts. Ellie is relieved to hear her normal command voice. "Dinas is group leader, you all know 'im. Dinas, listen to Ellie, she knows Tommy. Man is a damned fool, but a determined fool. He's not gonna be easy to find and he's not gonna come easily. Talk him down, do not attempt to use force. Don't know which direction he went but left hours ago. He took a lot of horses, whatever that means."
She's met with silence, all eyes on her. There's not a soul here who is not taking this damn seriously.
"And that's it, get gone!"
The gates open on cue and Dinas starts shouting riding orders.
The moon's out, which helps a bit. Other than that it's just their flashlights. A couple of the guys have the larger flood lamps affixed to their saddles. The snow from yesterday is all melted. It's all brown, flattened grass.
Can be dangerous riding at night, but they know the right tracks. And so did Tommy. From the looks of his tracks he took about ten horses. What the hell are you doing, Tommy?
They find out a couple miles out.
"Son of a bitch!" spits Dinas as they pull up.
At this point there's a different set of horse tracks going in every direction. Tommy had brought them along to frustrate tracking. Not to mention those horses all need to be rode down and brought back to stable. Ellie curses Tommy in her head.
"What's the plan, Dinas? We split up?" says Hooker.
"Fuckin' have to, I guess." Dinas looks at Ellie. "Girl, you any help here?"
Ellie can only half hear him. She's scanning the horizon, thinking about which way Tommy would have chosen to go. He's probably headed for California, but first he needs to get away. Not straight north or south out of the valley, that would be obvious. Riding through the hills is tough, but on a good horse… his number one concern need be getting tracked, though.
"We split up," says Ellie. "Clint, on me." She nudges Eddie into a full gallop after a set of tracks, not looking back. She can hear Dinas barking more orders, and Starbeam's hoofbeats behind her.
The sky is turning color when they reach Quarry. Tommy would have no use for the quarry itself, but the area itself is an endless carpet of limestone. Damn hard to track a horse over that. She has them slow to a walk. She sees Clint looking at the stone underhoof and nodding his head. Seems to get it. He catches her eye.
"Tommy ain't gonna be easy to bring in, is he?"
Her lip twists. "You think?"
Clint sniffs. "You don't want me here, do you?"
"Later," she says. She's got about no patience for that right now.
He's silent for a while.
"Ellie I'm looking to you here. What's the word?"
Ellie offers an exasperated sigh. She drops her elbow on the saddle and her face in her hand.
Tommy won't have ridden through a bush or any such thing. Shoed horse hooves will kick down an occasional scuff or chunk of broken rock, but she hasn't seen shit since his tracks hit the limestone. He probably walked the fucking horse. He had enough of a lead. He could leave Quarry in any direction and it would take them half a day to circle it. By then he could have found a stream or something to further frustrate their progress. "Tommy's a slick bastard, that's the word."
Clint doesn't respond and she doesn't feel like looking at his face. It's really starting to look like Tommy might get away. And if he does, she will never see him again.
Damn it, Tommy. Why didn't you listen to me?
The ice is starting to come back and it's just about the last thing she needs at the—
A gunshot sounds in the distance. Both snap their heads in the direction it came from. Probably less than a mile away, into the trees. More follow it.
"Move," says Ellie.
They ride a short distance into the trees, but when the shots reach a certain volume, she has them unhorse. Tommy is not shooting at squirrels. Eddie is real antsy. Clint is doing a good job of listening.
They're crouching behind a bush. Ellie can see a structure in the distance.
"Ellie, this is fucked up," says Clint. She looks at him like why are you talking? His grip on his pistol is firm, there's a vein showing in his forearm. "But I'm ready for this, okay? Whatever it is. You can count on me. That's all."
Her eyes remain on him for a second and she nods. The structure is a shack on top of a steep slope. Below it there's more cracked, unreclaimed concrete, some abandoned vehicles. It's an old water station or something, but not part of the hydroelectric system. Wrong side of the valley.
There's a loud crack and a flash from the shack.
"Son of a bitch, you're gonna die!" It didn't come from the shack and it's not Tommy.
"Tommy's in the shack," says Ellie. "Move."
She feels his hand on her arm. "We could sneak up behind the others, then."
"No." Ellie is not thinking, she just needs to get to Tommy.
They start creeping toward the top of the hill. They're already higher than the concrete basin where the others seem to be taking cover behind the vehicles. They're moving, though.
They come up behind one of them. Leather trench, ratty and bullet-holed. Bandit. He's sneaking the same way they are. Ellie cuts his throat in one smooth motion. He reeks.
There's good bush cover and the soil is soft here. They don't encounter anyone else and they're closing in on the shack. A voice sounds from the concrete below.
"Edison! You seen Gage lately? I saw him goin'—"
"Shut it."
"I think there's more of 'em—"
"Then shut your damn mouth!"
All the windows in the shack are busted. The door's off. Been that way a long time. Ellie can hear labored breathing. Ellie stands up in the door way.
Tommy's leaned up against the wall, face next to a window. He's got a death grip on his rifle. She can see blood. Ellie taps lightly on the door frame.
Tommy wheels on her, raising his gun. The instant he meets her eyes he drops it and the strength seems to go out of him. He slumps down against the wall. There's blood on his shirt. She's on him in a second.
"Damn it, girl," he says. His voice sounds tired. "The hell are you doing?"
"That's a hell of a question, coming from you," she says. She's looking for the source of the blood, moving his coat around. He lets her. She finally finds it. Bullet hole in his lower chest, from a rifle. He coughs, and some blood comes out. Something moves in her chest again.
"Ellie, this isn't over." Clint is tense, but controlled. "They're gonna start coming."
Ellie squeezes the tears out of her eyes. She needs to see. "What are you here for, then?"
If Clint has a response, he bites it back. "Shit," he mutters, moving to one of the windows. He moves, and she hears his rifle discharge. There's another distant shout.
"Shit, that's Jack down!"
Tommy's eyes are scared. "Ellie, you need to get the hell out of here. Should never have come."
"No," she says, angry. "No, you shut your damn mouth this time, Tommy, you know what this is." She puts her hand on his face, stroking his cheekbone. "Maria's gonna be mad as hell at me, you realize that?"
"Ellie," says Clint, "this is about to get real sticky in a minute." He moves again then curses. There's another crack and some of the plaster breaks off the wall behind her. "Son of a bitch," Clint spits.
Tommy's eyes keep drifting away. She shakes him. "Tommy, you need to fucking listen to me, okay? Do you remember the other day? In your house? What I told you?"
He's staring at her almost in wonder. It's not the Tommy she knows. It's terrifying her.
"Fuck it," says Clint. There's a metallic ping. After a few seconds, he hucks something that bounces on the loam.
"Holy shit—" someone starts.
There's a deafening explosion. Pieces of dirt start raining to the ground.
"That was a fucking grenade!"
"Then get in there before he throws another one!" someone roars.
"Tommy," says Ellie, "it's not too late, okay? You can still forgive him." She lets the tears run freely, she needs to be able to see him. He's looking at her in disbelief. "Abby doesn't fucking matter. She never did. I promise it's better. It's what you want. It's what you need. Joel forgives you, for everything, okay?" She doesn't know where it's coming from, she just needs to say it. "He's not angry anymore. He loves you. Okay? You can still forgive him. It's better this way, okay? Tell me you understand. Say something."
His face is so weathered. His good eye has no tears. His mouth is hanging open. He smells like leather, horseback and gunsmoke.
"You're a goddamn treasure, girl."
"No," she's so angry, "you don't get to fucking do that. Tommy—Tommy!"
His eyes lose focus and he's gone.
"No!" she screams into his face.
There's footsteps in the door behind her. She feels a gun pointed at her back. There's a gunshot, and he drops. There's drool running down her chin. She's gibbering.
She hears Clint grunt by the window, and there's a struggle. Someone grabbed him through the window, she notes absently. Clint growls and the man slams into the ground behind her. There's a gunshot, some gurgling, then another shot. It's quiet outside.
She and Clint look at each other. There's a haunted look on his face that deepens when he sees her. He looks from Tommy to her. "How many?" It doesn't sound like her voice.
Clint looks around for a minute, disoriented, then holds up one finger.
Ellie's gun is in her hand and she stalks out of the doorway.
"Ellie!"
She walks around the shack, down the slope. She sees a wide brimmed hat behind a bush. He looks up long enough to meet eyes with her and ducks back down.
"Jesus Christ, Ellie!" says Clint.
"Was it you? Motherfucker?" A stick crunches under Ellie's boot. "Did you do it?" Her gun is trained on him.
He rolls to the side and fires his rifle. Ellie twists at the last second, but she feels a white hot pain in her side.
She screams as she shoots him in the face. He goes slack but she shoots him three more times.
Red is pulsing at the edge of her vision. She can hear herself breathing hard.
"Ellie." Clint's voice is tentative. He's half crouched a few feet behind her, holding a hand out as if she's the one he needs to worry about. "Ellie, you're bleeding, we need to patch that up."
Wordlessly, she throws her gun down. She crouches, spitting into the dirt. Wincing at the pain, she drops her pack and pulls her shirts off. She finds some tenderness and brushes the wound on the side of her ribcage. It's not deep, but it's long. It's bleeding quite a bit. She pulls bandages from her pack, splashes alcohol on them, and puts the bandage lead on her back, behind the wound. She waits.
Eventually Clint finds himself and comes over, holding the lead down. "You should let me do that."
She shakes her head, too angry to speak. After the second pass around her ribcage he lets go and she finishes a satisfactory wrap. She pulls her stuff back on and gets up. It hurts fucking bad. She kicks the hat off the stupid asshole that she's pretty sure was the leader. "Get Tommy."
Clint is still holding his gun but he's half-stunned.
"Do I need to repeat myself?"
Clint starts moving.
It's a long walk back to the horses. The veins are pounding in Ellie's head but she wills herself to stay lucid. The wound hurts worse now, but it's stopped bleeding. She'd have to go easy on Eddie.
Clint grunts behind her. She looks back once to make sure he's got Tommy.
Clint is red-faced and sweating, but looks determined. Tommy's arms are over Clint's shoulders, his head leaning against his neck. Tommy's features are slack. He looks sad, almost. He looks like a little boy.
It happens in her chest again and this time she goes straight to all fours and vomits.
"Fuck, Ellie, are you okay?"
"Stay right there," she rasps, drool dripping from her lower lip. She wipes it away. "Don't you dare put him down." After a minute she climbs to her feet and they keep moving.
She can tell Clint is getting tired by the time they're at the horses. Tommy is not light. "Put him on Eddie."
He looks like he wants to give her a look, but he's not arguing with her right now. He struggles, but he manages to get him up over Eddie's haunches. Ellie ties him in, and they mount.
The sun is coming up. The eastern sky is a mess of orange and pink clouds. No snow today, but a cold West wind drives them.
They trot all the way back to Jackson.
They're probably fifty yards from the gate when it opens and Maria comes running out. Ellie grits her teeth.
"Tommy!? Tommy!?"
Ellie pulls Eddie up and just waits. Maria comes right around her. The shrieking starts when she sees his face.
"No! God damn it! God damn it, you idiot!"
Ellie climbs down. Clint's on his feet already, but he looks helpless. Ellie feels for him. She gestures to Tommy weakly.
The Mayor is still clutching to Tommy, but Clint carefully moves around her to untie him. Maria doesn't let go and Clint is obviously not comfortable interfering, so he gets his arms around Tommy, and with considerable effort, manages to lay him face up on the earth.
Maria keeps at it.
"You damn idiot… you damn idiot… you damn idiot…"
Ellie's body feels like lead. There are other people around, so she doesn't bother with the horses and starts walking back to town. Eddie dances in distress, watching her go. They wrangle him.
Dina is standing by the gate, sad eyes on Ellie. Ellie's more interested in looking at the dirt. Dina tries to grab her arm as she passes. Ellie pulls away, but not hard. She can feel Dina following her.
As she's walking past the bookstore, she sees a paper snowman in the window. A painful breath shoots from her nose.
It's Christmas Eve.
I hate today.
Dina followed me to Joel's grave. Neither one of us said anything for a while. I really didn't want her there, but I needed her there.
I just started talking to Joel. I've never done that in front of Dina before, but I didn't care. I said so much shit… about Tommy. And both of them. I was so mad at Tommy for telling me I never should have met them. I'm not really mad at him, though. It just makes it easier right now. I liked having Tommy around, even after things got bad for him. It was like my last living piece of Joel. He was a good man, like Joel. Just… living in a bad world. Surviving.
The thing that fucking kills me the most is that Tommy really tried to turn it around. He was starting to get Joel to turn it around. They made something out here. Something beautiful. Jackson. It goes to show that it's never over. It's never over till you give up. Then Joel's blood came back for him, in Abby. And Tommy went and got lost in it. Like I did. By some miracle I found a way out with my life, but Tommy never
[Tear smudges, half the page is crinkled.]
I am in so much pain.
After I started crying I tried to kiss Dina. She moved to the side and pulled me into a hug, so I cried harder. I am so XworthlessX stupid. Why can't Dina see that? She held me for a long time.
I wanted to just take a long walk but Dina wouldn't let me. She dragged me back to Jesse's parents' house, of all places. I think she knew it would be too much for me to see JJ right now.
They are such good people. They made amazing food and I actually ate some of it. We spent a long time in front of the fire. They made hot cocoa and just talked, told stories about Jesse and stuff. I didn't say much. I knew they were worried about me but they let me have my space.
When we finally left it was getting dark. Dina let me go but she said she would come to my place at ten and if I wasn't there she was going straight to the stable. She knows how to handle me.
I saw Maedlyn. I didn't want to talk to her. It was a totally different Maedlyn. She'd have heard what happened. The whole damn town probably did. Her eyes were so… Like she wanted to come over to me but… didn't know how, or something. She didn't follow me.
I did walk for a while and I ended up sitting in a dark stable in front of Eddie. He looked relieved to see me. I spent a long time just holding him, our heads touching. Eventually someone comes in and it's Clint.
I thought I was mad for a second, but I wasn't. He did an amazing job today. He shouldered a hell of a lot more than he should have had to. I might have died without him. Thankfully he didn't really try to comfort me. "Just checking in on you, folks are worried." I told him they should worry about the burial. He made me look at him. He knew he was treading on thin ice. He spoke soft. "You just need to know that we did the very best we could out there. Especially you." I started crying again on Eddie's nose. When I next looked he was gone.
My bed feels so cold. I want to go to Dina but I can't. I'm scared. This is so much. I remember when Joel died I thought I might not make it. Then I chose Abby, and life. I can't do that anymore, though.
Is the cure going to be enough?
It has to be.