New Year's passed with the customary celebration. Ellie had never fully understood it. Was it really that different from any other day of the year? But it's not like she ever complained. All the shop owners set up stalls in the street and they hang lots of lanterns and stuff. People bring out their best. A lot of it is free. Lots of drinks, too. Ellie's been finding she's lost most of her craving to drink, like she's lost most of her craving to eat. Dina encouraged her to eat, though, and she did.
She was there with her the whole night. Her and Dale and JJ. It felt really nice. Ellie felt welcome because she was. She felt like part of the family. Because she was, she guesses. For the night, at least.
It was pretty cold but Mackey set up a projector to put up this huge movie against the wall of the old factory in the park. The kids loved it. There were blankets and snacks and big bunchy jackets everywhere. Ellie, Dina, Dale and JJ watched the second half of a goofy movie on a big quilt the James's shared with them. JJ loved it. He kept looking at Ellie and smiling all big.
She was really happy for a night.
She wakes up in her bed, and everything is cold. She lets out a long sigh. She needs one of those electric heaters. She doesn't have a fireplace either, damn it.
She makes the extra effort to bathe herself, then makes off down to the lane to help clean up. She sees Dinas helping tear down a stall as she approaches. He gives her a solemn nod, obviously uncomfortable.
Someone bumps her arm and she looks up to see Maria. She's holding a steaming thermos. She offers it.
"Ugh, please," says Ellie.
Maria grins. "You look fairly fresh today."
"I cleaned up. Probably shouldn't have bothered, since I'm just going to get dirty again."
"We always do, don't we?" Maria's acting chipper but there are bags under her eyes. She's giving her this look and it's kind of nice but Ellie kind of doesn't like it either. She doesn't like being taken care of. And Maria's the one who deserves it more.
"Where should I start?"
Maria's mouth twists. "Ellie, you don't really need to worry about this."
"Bull, Maria. What, you want me to lay in bed all day?"
"Well, no. It's not like either one of us gets to do that."
Concern comes over Ellie's face but Maria shakes her head sharply. "You're kind of a hero around here, Ellie. It was like a damn western novel, the way you went after Tommy."
"Clint did almost everything."
"Not what I heard," says Maria.
Ellie's brows pinch, but Maria doesn't react. "Maria, I just want to get to work."
Maria's eyes move over her shoulder. "Well," she says, sipping her coffee, "maybe work will find you."
With that she walks away and Ellie is confused. She turns around and Maedlyn's right there.
"Happy New Year, sugar."
She's almost like in Ellie's dream. She's got a fur hat on over her tied up hair, and she's wearing a darling green coat. She's clutching a big basket of eggs. The morning light beams off her big, blue eyes. Ellie almost feels dizzy.
"Morning," she manages.
"Heard you were looking for work."
Ellie looks down at the eggs. She scoffs. "Maedlyn, I really ought to—"
"I heard what Maria said. You're a hero around here, Ellie. You don't gotta do dang thing today, except what you want to." There's meaning there. Maedlyn offers her the basket. "Won't you? They're real heavy."
"Oh, give me that," Ellie says, taking the eggs. Maedlyn beams.
Maedlyn had been taking them from Susanna's over to Guillermo's for stock. They're strolling down Elmer's Lane. Melting snow nestles in the corners of the buildings, and the dirt road is wet. The air is crisp, and it's beautiful.
"Thanks," says Ellie, breaking the silence.
Maedlyn's taken aback, like the last time she thanked her. "For what?"
"Giving me something to do."
"Oh, it's my pleasure, truly. I do like a nice escort."
"Well, these streets aren't the meanest."
"Not like New York?"
Ellie chuckles. "No, not at all, in fact."
"What do you think about taking me?"
Ellie gawks at her. "To New York?"
"I did say I always wanted to go."
Ellie shakes her head. "You're not serious."
"Why not?"
She's being so ridiculous, but Ellie plays along. "Whatever would Guillermo do?"
"Go out of business, probably."
Ellie laughs. "You'd break his heart."
"Mm, well c'est la vie."
Nothing comes to Ellie and she doesn't respond. Maedlyn eyes her.
Guillermo's is closed when they get there, but he's already in the back cooking. His head appears in the window again. "Ah, girl, you're back! I was getting worried." He notices Ellie and his eyes widen. "Oh, and you brought your friend! Oh!" He winces in false pain. "How could you go so long without food! Did you forget where I work?"
Ellie snorts. "I did eat since I was last here, you know."
He looks at her arms. "Oh, are you sure? No matter. It's perfect." He's doing something she can't see behind the window. "You get a breakfast burrito today. Almost as good as a dinner burrito. But you know, that's the beauty of my work. They're good for any meal. One night," he's not looking at her and she can hear metal tools working over a sizzling grill, "I wake with a passion. I can't help it. I have to come down and make myself a midnight burrito. One of the best I ever had!"
Ellie can't help but smile. Guillermo seems to be a man who loves his work. She holds up the eggs. "Well, here are your eggs, then. They're extra heavy today." She looks at Maedlyn, who's just loving it.
"Perfect!" He takes them. "What you like? Ham? Bacon?"
"Is it goat bacon?"
"Oh!" He acts so wounded. "M, see what you do to me girl? To my reputation!"
Maedlyn giggles.
Ellie's stomach starts talking like it hasn't in a while. "Bacon actually sounds awesome."
Guillermo waves a smart finger. "That's it, then."
Maedlyn peers over the window sill. "Did you already make the—oh that's perfect. She'll love it."
"Yes, she will."
The burrito is a bit massive but it's full of eggs, potatoes, cheese and crispy, scrumptious bacon. It's incredible.
"You have to—here," says Maedlyn. She has a little ceramic dipping dish. It's full of greenish salsa.
"No way!" says Ellie, pulling her burrito away.
Maedlyn gives her a look. "You have to. Here."
Before Ellie can further protest, Maedlyn pours just a little bit into the open top of the burrito. Ellie makes noises, but takes a bite anyway. The cool, fresh salsa adds a great contrast to the warm, savory burrito. It makes it even better.
"Alright," says Ellie, chewing. "You win, but you're helping me finish this thing."
"I already ate. I'll get fat."
Guillermo offers a real scoff to that. He glances at them slyly, then puts on his face and waves that away like it's nothing. "Don't be silly. Give it, eh," he weighs his hands, "ten or fifteen years. And plenty of patronage at the finest establishment in town. Then maybe."
Ellie's teeth are actually showing and she thinks of Tommy. The food loses most of its flavor.
Maedlyn clearly notices. "Fine, if you insist." She's got another one of those fetching looks. She puts her hands around Ellie's, brings the burrito to her mouth and takes a bite.
They take their time finishing the burrito. Guillermo is full of jokes and stories. Ellie starts to get the picture; he feeds, and he entertains. She decides she likes him quite a bit. It's nice to see someone who really likes their job. And who's job is pretty much just to make people happy.
"How soon are we opening, G?"
Guillermo considers her. He shrugs. "Eh, people are still sleeping it off. Give it an hour."
"Oh, good. Want to take a walk, Ellie?"
Ellie looks at Guillermo. "You're really not going to give us any more work?"
He gives her an entreating look. "Please, girl. This is the good life, here in Jackson. No rush."
She smiles at that, but there's sadness in it.
The North side of Jackson is more elevated, and you can look down over the whole town. There's snow along the lines of the roofs, and smoke coming out of almost every chimney. She sees a squirrel on a tree branch, tail all twitchy. She thinks of Eddie and smiles.
"Whatcha thinkin' about?"
Ellie is tempted to say you but thinks better of it. "My horse."
"What? Really?"
"He's a blessed soul, you know."
"Oh yeah? I've met a few of those." Maedlyn's hands are clasped behind her. She's wearing mittens. Ellie almost died when she noticed but she hasn't let on to Maedlyn.
"Yeah, me too." Now she's thinking of JJ. She glances at Maedlyn. She's watching her.
"Whatcha thinking about now?"
Ellie hesitates. Maedlyn likes her. She really does. But should she? So much of Ellie's life is… But Maedlyn is a pryer, like Dina… Ellie frowns, looking down at the wet dirt of the path.
"Hey," says Maedlyn, touching Ellie's arm. She sighs. "You're gonna make me say it again, aren't you? I'm pushy. I know. I just feel like you could use someone to talk to."
Ellie just looks at her. She wants her so badly, she really does. But how could that be good for Maedlyn?
Ellie reaches out and squeezes her arm. Maedlyn's face changes again, that more real, vulnerable side. "You're probably right." She scratches the back of her head. "I was thinking about JJ."
"Oh, what a darling. I like him a bunch. You raised him since he was a baby, huh?"
Until I didn't, yeah. Ellie nods.
"Did you… deliver him?"
Jesus, that was a day. She nods again.
"That's so special. No wonder Dina cares so much about you."
Ellie's face pinches.
"No, I'm not… I won't ask about Dina again. I'm just sayin'."
Ellie sniffs. "That girl is truly amazing. I was lucky every minute I had with her. I wish I had done better by her."
"Well, maybe. But you did keep her alive and get her back to Jackson."
I never should have taken her from Jackson in the first place. She can see Abby's snarling face, her arm clutching Dina's jaw, knife on her throat. Ellie decides she doesn't want to talk about Dina anymore.
She looks in Maedlyn's eyes. Every time they snare her, like they're magnetized. Maedlyn has tons of freckles on her shoulder, but for some reason there's a lot less on her face. She could probably count the ones on her nose.
Maedlyn's grinning but her eyes narrow. "You gonna say something, or…?"
"You're real special too, Maedlyn," says Ellie. Maedlyn's act drops again. "You barely know me, but you're acting like a good friend. I'm just… I worry I'm not built to be a good friend to you."
"Well, don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself?"
Ellie turns her head. "W… What do you mean?"
Maedlyn smirks, back in control. She narrows the distance between them, putting her arms around Ellie's sides. "You haven't even asked me about that thing I owe you."
Ellie blinks. "The thing you owe me…?"
Then she remembers. The last time their faces were this close. Unable to help it, she smiles so wide it makes it hard to kiss her back.
Maedlyn's breath is soft as a rose petal on Ellie's cheek. Maedlyn gives her a look. "Friend?" she whispers.
Ellie smiles again. The thing in her chest emanates and her smile fades. She gives Maedlyn a serious look, and Maedlyn's features slacken, waiting.
"Maedlyn, I'm going to need to leave Jackson again."
Maedlyn's shaking her head. "No—"
Ellie takes Maedlyn's arms, ending their embrace. "No, I need to. Listen…" She tells her. Not the whole story, but the pertinent parts.
"Joel always used to say… Well, basically in a world this ugly, you have to fight to live. And that means you need a reason to keep fighting. Uglier things get… the more you need a reason. This is my last, biggest reason."
"Jesus Christ, Ellie," says Maedlyn. Her brow's all pinched. Ellie doesn't like this. Maedlyn's face is supposed to smile. But she has to do this. And if she were to go and take Maedlyn's heart, it would only get worse, and worse for her.
Maedlyn tries to shake it away. "Oh, Ellie, there's gotta be someone else. You can't keep going out there, you won't get lucky forever. Jesus, New York? Are you foolish?"
"I can't assume there's someone else."
"Then why do you assume there's a doctor? I bet those Fireflies are all wiped out—"
"No." Ellie is not about to let her talk her out of this.
Maedlyn wants to twist out of it but she can see Ellie's determination. Her hands are on Ellie's chest and she hits her lightly with them. Ellie doesn't budge. Maedly eyes harden as she finds some determination of her own.
"Alright, Ellie. This is how it's going to be. I know you have this foolish vision in your head. Of a cure. And that'd be a fine thing, but if you go out there, you won't survive. And I can't have that. Not after everything else you've been through. And what you mean to this city."
Ellie has to admit, it's hard to hold up against her right now. Maedlyn is no careless flirt. She's the real deal.
"So here's what you're gonna do. You know the old Hansen Manor?"
Ellie blinks. Once upon a time it was probably a lavish house on the south side of town. Now it's a rundown shamble. Back in school they used to sneak over the fence and play around in there, though. "Yeah."
"You know the Magnolia tree down in the courtyard?"
Ellie frowns, confused. She nods.
"Tonight, at sunset. I'm gonna be there. I'll be expecting you. And I might," a little of her playfulness comes back, "even have a present for you. And you're gonna stroll right up, all handsome and such, and I'll give you another kiss." She has a confident smile, but she looks like she can't figure what to say next. She glances to the side, a little nervous. "And we'll just see where we go from there."
Ellie doesn't want to smile, but she is. Maedlyn is impossible. She's really impossible. Nothing gets in her way. She doesn't see another way out of the situation.
"Okay."
The winter blossoms poke out like little rubies from the snow laden twigs of the Magnolia tree. It's why Maedlyn picked it. A symbol for the Winter season. No time of year there's not beauty to be found somewhere. And promise.
Maedlyn clutches the pistol grip behind her back, in her mittens. It used to be her father's, according to her mom. It's never been used in a fired weapon, though. Just one of those treasured relics. It's wood sided, still slick and varnished, with inlaid intricate metallic swirls that her mother swears is gold. Maedlyn rolls her eyes. It's brass for sure, but even Maedlyn thinks it's gorgeous, and she does not like guns.
Her mom must really like Ellie. She didn't hesitate to give it to Maedlyn for this noble purpose.
A nobility her would-be suitor is currently lacking, still absent as the best part of sunset is passing them by.
And she keeps on lacking it, as the sun goes down.
The light gives way to the darkness, and night settles in, bringing the cold right along with it. When the orange is all gone and the stars are coming out, a shuddering breath escapes Maedlyn.
Sometime soon, Ellie is going to ride right out of that gate, and Maedlyn has this horrible, horrible feeling that will be the last anyone ever sees of her. She winces and a tear rolls down her cheek. She holds up the grip and looks at it. The metalwork looks silver in the moonlight. She hucks it into the bushes.
"Damn fool," she mutters, walking away through the snow.
I can't believe how much this sucks. Fuck. Maedlyn is waiting for me right now. The sun is setting, it's almost down. I'm hurting her. I know I am.
I keep seeing her in her fur hat, eyes all bright in the snowy sunlight, holding my hands, making me make a promise I had no intention of keeping. She was so confident. So beautiful. So good.
I don't deserve good. I deserve to die. Maybe that's what will happen, in the hospital.
I'm so fucked up right now. I know I'm doing the right thing but it does not feel like it.
I want to look into her eyes again. Why does this feel like this? I barely know her.
I fucking hate myself.