Note: I would've written this earlier this week, but I got busy. Enjoy this bonus chapter!

Date: Still mid January. Now that I'm finally able to take a break from working, I've remembered what this month marks:

4 years since my old work partner left, and died a week later, and 3 years since my team saved me in Vietnam.

Also known as, when I think my personal issues started, and multiplied.

When Owen left, I thought I was handling it well. Yes, I missed him, but, a part of me believed that he had only left for a time, and would eventually contact me.

But he never did.

That fall, I left to go after a guy that I knew a long time ago that was thought to be dead. And walked right into a trap without knowing it.

Our minds tend to go to a safe space of sorts, that tries to dull out unbearable pain. And in the midst of all the awful pain that was affected upon me, my mind went to thinking of Owen. Not to any of my team members, but to him.

I took it as a sign that I not only really missed him, but also loved him.

All throughout the recovery period, and after I went back to work, I thought of him, a LOT! Thoughts like: Where is he? Is he still alive? And, I guess a part of me wanted him, to comfort me.

A long time ago, I was there for him when he really needed it, and he was there for me when I really needed it. I just wanted him to be there for me again.

When I finally got up the nerve to call his daughter and ask her where he was, she told me he had been dead for a whole year.

That took a lot out of me. And I think that's when my depression started to turn into a recurring problem.

And to make it all worse, The woman who replaced him sent my team on a suicide mission that almost got them killed, and I saw them get blown up!

I had managed to get them all out alive. I was so mentally drained, I wasn't sure if I could face that bitch in Washington without completely going nuts. That's also when I got the offer to go after an international human trafficking ring, which I took.

The last few years, I've been doing important things, but, I've also been more absent from my team then usual. And it's making me homesick, and depressed.

I took that mission not just to to help people, but to try and help myself heal mentally. Which helped, except. I think it's made me too used to being away from my team for long periods of time. Even when I returned to work after the mission was over, It felt a bit awkward being back at work.

Now here I am, 3 or 4 months away from home, on another mission. With no idea on how long it'll last. The depression comes and goes.

I've been through so much these last 4 years, and I've faced almost all of it alone. I guess, I also feel lonely. I hope I get to really change that soon.

Time to get back to work.

Endnotes: Yup. Even 4 years later, I still believe that she loved him, and believe it or not, I still think she'll eventually admit it out loud! That Season 9 stuff is some of my oldest headcanoning. And I also brilliantly mentioned The Blank Slate here.