Mount Hood stands up in the sky like an emperor. The white point of its peak reaches up like it wants to cut through the gray, unrelenting clouds above. Clint squeezes his glove over Starbeam's reins. This is it. This is the last chance for him to see Ellie again.

It has to work.

That morning Jordan had taken him aside again. He's a good man. He'd been patient with Clint. Kind. He said he understood. He said if there was any chance Steve or Jenna were still alive, they'd still be looking for them. But he also said that Clint could drive himself crazy doing this. He said they wouldn't leave him—Clint had loved him for that—but Clint needed to start thinking about moving on.

Clint hadn't told him about the blank page but Jordan seemed to get it anyway.

They hadn't seen a single infected since they had crossed the Sellwood Bridge over the Willamette River. They'd crossed the countryside and were holed up in a little ranger station. They'd even been building fires, and had found more food.

It's maybe 3:00 PM, and Clint had been on Starbeam all day, riding about the Western base of the mountain. You could call it a hunch, but Clint tells himself it's a strong hunch.

I think I'd like to check that place out before I die.

There's almost a foot of snow here, and it hadn't been falling. Tracking is plausible. He just has to cross her trail. His coat is barely enough to keep out the cold. He's missing coffee like a motherfucker, and he's run out of the food he brought with him. He looks up and sees a gray squirrel watching him from a low branch of a pine. Its tail twitches.

He feels the shakes coming on again. This time he lets it. He bends over, breath rattling as he softly cries.

It can't be like this. This can't be how they part ways.

Starbeam stops and starts making noises. He pulls himself together, stroking her neck.

"I'm okay, girl. It's going to be okay." Her big brown eye is on him. "I've decided," he says.

She looks unsure, but she keeps going. He takes a deep breath, and wipes a tear from his cheek before it freezes. Jordan hasn't given up. Sarah hasn't given up. Starbeam hasn't given up. And, sure as the second he promised Ellie, Clint isn't going to give up either.

And when they enter the next clearing, there they are. A long trail of lonely footsteps, in the snow.

Clint freezes. He pulls Starbeam up, and jumps off. He slogs over through the snow and inspects the tracks. The feet are the right size.

"Come on, girl!" Starbeam neighs, and meets him halfway. He jumps on her back. "Come on!" He snaps the rains and she pulls into a canter.

The trail leads right up the mountain. He pushes past branches, snow dumping on him. The trees start to get sparser. There are some steep sections, but Starbeam seems determined. Finally they arrive at a rocky section that he knows she can't get up. He climbs off. He gives Starbeam some reassurances. She dances anxiously. He strokes her neck, and then he starts climbing. After a few minutes he arrives at a flatter section. He pulls in some icy breaths.

About twenty feet away is a cave. It opens like a black maw, and the footsteps climb right into it. Clint doesn't know why, but he pulls out his gun.

"Ellie," he calls. There's no response. He creeps forward on careful feet.

The mouth widens, but he can't see far inside, other than a glint from some gleaming rock. It's deep, more than fifteen feet.

"Ellie, are you in there?" Still no response.

He's in the mouth of the cave now. He can't hear or see anything. He realizes he needs his flashlight. He puts his gun away and reaches for it when there's an echoing gunshot. Something impacts his gut and he feels himself slam back first into the ground.

Stunned, he lifts his head and looks down. There's blood on his abdomen. Then the pain starts. He lets out a sound between a grunt and a moan.

He hears footsteps, and when he looks again, Ellie's face is in front of him, brow knitted, eyes scared.

"Clint?" she asks. She looks him over, and sees the gunshot wound. Her eyes go wide. "Fuck. Clint!" She looks at him again. She grimaces, scared and angry. "Damn it, Clint, why did you come here?"

Clint doesn't respond.

"Damn it," she's halfway to crying. "What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't…" She reaches behind him and discovers what he can already feel. There's no exit wound. She must have used her nine millimeter.

Her lip is trembling. This is not according to plan. For once, she's completely unsure of herself. She looks at him like he needs to explain.

The pain is paralyzing, but he works his lips. Her eyes are locked on him. She's listening.

"So good at surviving, you forgot how to die, huh?"

She's a lot of things, and angry is one of them. She's trembling. She smacks his chest. She does it again.

"God fucking damn it, get up." She reaches under his shoulder to lift him. He reaches for his strength and finds it. Between the two of them, they get him to his feet. He can stand, but realistically he needs her to support him, and she does, pulling his arm over his shoulder.

"Did you walk here?"

"I rode Starbeam. She's not far."

She gets in her pack and ties a bandage around him that will do little but slow the bleeding. She resumes her place under his arm.

"Move your fucking feet," she says. "I'm not doing this by myself."

Ellies steps forward and Clint steps with her.

They make their way down the slope. Some of the steeper parts take more time. Ellie keeps glancing down at his wound, a strange look on her face. At one point they have to jump down a short drop and the pain shoots through Clint from his gut to the tips of his fingers. He goes to his knees.

"No, Clint!" Ellie shouts, angry. "Get up. Get the fuck up, I can't believe you're doing this to me."

You fucking shot me, asshole. But Clint does what he always does, and listens. He gets up.

Starbeam is prancing in distress when they get to her.

"Chill out!" says Ellie. Starbeam listens. Her tone changes. "We're okay, girl. Okay? Don't be mad at me. We need to get out of here. We need to go." Starbeam stands at the ready.

It sucks getting on the horse but they manage it, Ellie in front. She looks back at him, and waits for him to meet her eyes. There's something deadly serious in there. Something personal.

"You don't get to fall off," she says, "and you don't get to pass out."

Not really having an alternative, Clint nods.

"Where are we going?"

"Sarah and the others are alive," Clint says. His voice sounds weird. Half there, like he's sick or something. "I'll guide you."

Ellie snaps the reins and Starbeam goes.

It's a long, blurry, surreal ride for Clint. Every once in a while Ellie asks which direction and Clint tells her. Her voice sounds kind of muted. The edges of his vision are red. The pain comes in waves. It's getting worse, and the bounce of Starbeam's gait does not help. He kind of wants to throw up, and passing out is pretty attractive, but he remembers what Ellie said, so he holds onto the pain and it helps him stay conscious. His arms are wrapped tight around her. He can smell her hair.

Eventually, the ranger station is right there. The door flies open and Sarah comes out.

"Holy shit, Jordan, they're back!" First she looks Ellie over, then she sees Clint and her eyes go wide. "Get out here and help me!"

Ellie climbs down first. Jordan comes out and he and Sarah help Clint get down. They're pretty much carrying him at this point. Sarah looks a question at Ellie.

"Nine millimeter," is all she says.

Sarah looks like she has more questions for a second but she turns back to Clint. "Let's get you inside, okay?" Thomas and Kate are watching from the stairs.

They get him inside and lay him down on his bag. Sarah is relatively calm. She is a nurse, after all.

"There's no exit wound, Clint." She starts pulling tools out of her kit. "I'll have to get the bullet out. But the bleeding is under control and we have antibiotics. Okay? So stay with me."

The others are talking to Ellie. They're not interrogating her, but he can see her distress. She doesn't want to talk.

Clint's consciousness is starting to slip. He reaches up and grabs Sarah's arm. She stops. This is his last chance to say something.

"She needs it more than me," he whispers. He has a lot more he wants to say, but that's about all he's good for. The room dims and he's out.

Ellie sits against the cold wall of the ranger station. She's by herself in one of the back rooms. After pressing her for five or ten minutes, they had finally let her be alone. The gray light of this god forsaken country pours in from a window over her shoulder. There's a framed landscape of Mount Hood on the wall behind the desk. It reads 'Only in the Great State of Oregon.'

The door opens. It's Sarah. There's red on her fingertips. She closes it behind her.

"Hey," she says. She walks over to Ellie, and when Ellie doesn't get up, she squats.

"Is he going to be okay?" Ellie asks.

"Yeah." Sarah's not that old. Maybe thirty. But she looks motherly at that moment.

Ellie releases her breath. "Good."

"Wanna talk?"

"No."

"Will you anyway?"

Ellie plays with her fingernails. "Okay."

"No one's mad, Ellie." Ellie looks at her, waiting to be convinced. Sarah twists her lips. "No one's mad, sweetheart."

Sweetheart?

"What happened up there, Ellie? You said he found you in a cave?"

"I was hiding." Her voice sounds so small.

"Hiding from what, Ellie?"

Ellie picks at one of her nails. The sound of new rain falling down on the roof enters the room. "Everything."

Ellie feels Sarah brush her hair away from her eyes. She looks at her. Sarah really isn't mad. "Did you shoot Clint?" she asks softly.

Ellie feels tears in her eyes and she looks down. She's shaking her head. "Yes," she whispers.

"Do you know why?"

Ellie doesn't respond.

"I don't think you're angry with Clint, Ellie. No one's going to judge you." Ellie still doesn't respond and Sarah sighs. "Ellie, what was going on in that cave?"

"You don't want to know what it was like in that cave."

"Okay." Sarah is being so patient. She's a really good woman, Ellie decides. "Ellie, I feel like you need to hear it so I'm just going to say it. I haven't even known you for that long and I can tell. You've been leaning on yourself too much. You need to start leaning on other people. Clint's right there, he'd be glad to do it."

She looks into Sarah's brown eyes. She sounds like Maria. Ellie can feel the lines on her brow.

Why does what she's saying sound so daunting?

"Okay." Sarah slaps her knees and stands up. She offers Ellie her hand. Confused, Ellie takes it and Sarah pulls her up. She's pretty close. She takes Ellie's hands. "You know, you're lucky. You get a free pass. I talked to Jordan."

Free pass?

"W—" Ellie starts. "What?"

Sarah has a knowing smile. "You wanna kiss me or something?"

"Do I wanna—" Ellie can feel herself blushing. "Free pass? Sarah, you're not even—" She looks around, flustered. "I don't want to kiss you…"

"Oh." Sarah pretends to be offended. "Don't like what you see? You'll hurt my feelings."

"Oh my god, dude, this is embarrassing. Why are you doing this?"

"I just feel like you could use a little body heat."

"I don't need—" Ellie screws up her lips.

"I don't need, I don't need," Sarah mocks her. "You need a lot, stop kidding yourself. Gonna do it all on your own?" She closes in, smiling. She knows what she's doing. "Rather do this on your own?"

Just before their lips touch, Ellie makes a sound. Sarah pulls back, appraising her.

"Ellie?"

It's coming real bad and Ellie doesn't know what to do. She's gonna slip, she can tell. Sarah doesn't deserve this. Sarah doesn't deserve—

Then the pain comes and Ellie moans and falls into Sarah's chest. She's crying all over her. She's sobbing really hard. Sarah's arms clutch her protectively.

"That's it baby, I got you."

"She made me do it!" Ellie wails. Her chest is pounding, the pain wracks her. "She made me do it!"

"I know she did, I know she did." Sarah kisses her through her hair. "She asked you to because she could tell you were strong. You didn't do anything wrong. You saved her, you hear me? You saved her. No one's mad."

"She made me do it…"

"I know, baby girl. I know."

We're in the foothills. Los Padres National Forest. Or they were, back when there was a nation. We're close. We'll probably be in Santa Barbara tomorrow.

I haven't pulled this thing out in ages. I don't know, I guess I chose cold post-sunset rumination over writing it down. I'm glad I'm writing now, though.

Let's see. What happened. We spent a few days in that ranger shack, while my wound healed. Things were actually pretty good. The morning after I found Ellie, I climbed my ass out of my bag and looked in to the room to find Ellie and Sarah huddled in Ellie's sleeping bag. They had their clothes from yesterday on. I'm really thankful to Sarah. I barely said anything but Sarah seemed to get it anyway.

After that things went back to almost decent. Ellie hunted up a whole deer. Between the six of us we ate the whole thing over a few days. They'd been kind of starving, after all. One night I pulled out the bottle of vodka I had found, and we sat around and drank, and they talked a lot about Steve and Jenna. It was hard on all of them, but Thomas most of all. Turns out Steve was his half-brother. I'm so glad he and Kate are okay, though.

No one was mad at Ellie. I think they all sensed it, to an extent. Or Sarah talked to them. They actually paid Ellie a kind of special respect, one she truly deserves. Every one of them, hungry, had given Jenna food, because she needed it. And Ellie had done something much harder. She gave Jenna a bullet, because she needed it.

Shit, this world is fucked up.

God, I just want to wrap my arms around Ellie and kiss her. She deserves that, she deserves anything that might be given her. She's reticent about receiving it though. I did hug her for the first time, the night we parted ways with the others. She hugged me back too, and before we let go she thanked me for getting her out of that cave. It's the last we've spoken of it. Maybe that's all that needed to happen.

Oh, yeah. We did part ways with the others. Honestly, it sucked. Ellie's good company, but the more, the merrier, you know? But we have a mission and the others needed a home. They're going to Jackson. We let them take Starbeam. Ellie said it first, and I was like 'No!' inside. But she was right. Seems like we'll have trouble taking care of a horse. Probably the best chance of Starbeam getting back to Jackson okay. And how the hell were we gonna get her to Catalina Island?

Thomas cried, while Kate rubbed his back. He's a sensitive guy. He'll do well in Jackson. Jordan was standing there with his hands on his hips. All, tough, masculine leader. He started like he was gonna give me a speech or something, and I just pulled him in and hugged him. After, I thanked him for looking out for me, but more importantly for having the patience to let me find Ellie. I told him he doesn't realize how important she is, but I couldn't tell him more. I know what he thought I meant, but… In any case, he nodded and told me he was good for that and a lot more, and when we finally got our asses back to Jackson, he'd find some way to repay me.

Repay me for what? They saved our asses. Doesn't matter, those are our people now.

Ellie said a similar goodbye to Sarah. I didn't hear most of it. I did hear Ellie tell Sarah not to get pregnant till they get to Jackson, though. Sarah had shoved her and Ellie laughed.

Last I saw of them, Kate was on Starbeam and they were walking over a hill, sun getting low. I remember thinking, 'This world is tough, but what could handle that better than a family?'

I said my best goodbye to Starbeam. I'm sorry I ever thought bad of her name.

Anyway, after our hug, we don't talk too much about the bad stuff. And that's about right. We're alive, act like it. Things are good with Ellie, now. We were chummy before. Now we're actually friends. I know how to make her laugh. She calls me an idiot like five times a day. Sheesh, like she doesn't have the corniest jokes. She loves them.

So, uh…

[Bunch of scribbles.]

Know what, Ellie? If you read this, you deserve it.

It's official, it's not under control. I don't think it was ever meant to be. But you know something else? It doesn't matter. Why should it? It's natural. It's not an affliction, because it can't hurt me. In fact, it makes everything better. Happy ending? Who cares? I'm happy now. This is fine. I could wake up every day in the middle of nowhere with Ellie, on the way to Catalina, for a thousand days, for the rest of my life.

And I'd be happy.