There was a weird feeling in the air when we went back to school on Monday. Everyone was trying to project an air of sadness over Dash's death, but very few actually felt it. Most were neutral at best, but some looked like they were desperately trying to ignore the urge to jump for joy. Dash had been popular, but that didn't mean people actually liked him.
No one was really acting like themselves, but Paulina took the cake. The queen of the A-List was almost acting like a decent human being. She wasn't talking down to people or sending scathing glares to everyone beneath her. For once, Paulina wasn't actively outcasting anyone. She even looked happy.
I don't know what I was expecting from her, but that wasn't it. I know they weren't on the best of terms, but I thought the queen would be a little torn up over the passing of the king, if for no other reason than that it would be harder for her to climb the social ladder if they could never get back together.
The day ended with an all school assembly to address the grief of the student body. It was the first time a grief assembly didn't revolve around suicide, and the first time the auditorium wasn't filled with an air of depression. During his time at Casper High, Dash had certainly made more enemies than friends, and it showed when almost no one stuck around to hear the details of his funeral. We weren't going to admit we were happy he was gone, but we didn't care enough to pretend we were thinking about attending the funeral.
Danny's traditional detention was canceled for the day, given the circumstances. We started walking home, right behind a crowd of cheerleaders.
"Come on, Paulina! You have to go!"
"You know what he did to me. The only reason I'd go to the funeral would be to watch them lower his sorry ass into the ground."
"But if you don't go we won't have the whole squad! We can't do our celebration of life cheer without you!"
"I don't care. That man is finally out of my life for good and I am not going to waste my time pretending to shed a tear for him."
"You can't still be angry with him. He didn't even do anything that bad to you! So he wanted sex more than you did. At least he wanted it! My boyfriend won't even look at me like that."
Paulina stopped in her tracks and turned around. "There is a fucking difference! You can say no if you want to!"
"Just go to the funeral."
"No! I'm not going, and I will ruin the next person who tries to make me go!"
"Geeze. Someone's on their period."
"Get the hell out of my sight, all of you!" Paulina stood there, eyes closed and fists clenched, as the gaggle of cheerleaders dispersed, whispering amongst themselves, but smart enough not to invoke any more of her rage.
Seconds later, Danny and I had closed the gap between us and stood in front of her. "Are you okay?" I asked, watching tears start to fall.
"I'm fine. Just leave me alone, Manson." She turned and started to walk away before stopping. "You got lucky, you know. At least he only went after you once."
I had several questions, but she was gone before I had a chance to say anything. I wanted to pretend I didn't know what she meant, but I couldn't.
My mother had once asked how she could be abused if there wasn't a mark on her and the answer had become clear.
"I'm surprised you stopped for her. Paulina's kind of your arch enemy," Danny remarked.
"She's a bitch, but she's also a human being in pain. It sounds like we have something in common anyway."
"You don't think Dash..."
"I know he did. You don't understand how that messes with you, Danny, and if she went through it repeatedly, then she's stronger than we give her credit for."
"But Dash loved her."
"Are you saying he couldn't have done it to her?" I asked, fully prepared to chew him out if I needed to.
"No! I just... I don't understand how he could do that to someone he loved."
"That's easy, Danny. He never loved her. He loved having an easy victim."
"Dash was a fucked up person."
"You're preaching to the choir, dude."
Throughout the week, we watched Paulina's fall from grace. At first she was constantly fighting with the other cheerleaders, then the fights spread to the rest of the A-List. Thursday, she was dropped from the cheerleading squad and by Friday her title as queen of the A-List had been revoked and passed on to Star. Paulina's offense was deemed unforgivable and she would never be able to rejoin the A-List.
All because she refused to go to the funeral of the man who put her through hell. Teenagers were, and always will be, cruel little shitheads.
"They aren't seriously going to turn on her over this. Even the A-List can't be that bad," Tucker remarked as we sat down for lunch.
"It's the A-List, Tucker. They're all a bunch if shallow assholes. You remember what they did to Valerie just because she lost her family money," I said. Danny and I knew they'd never let her back in, but Tucker still wanted to believe that being popular wasn't all bad.
"Yeah, but she was their queen for years. They've hung on to her every word and followed any order she gave."
"Doesn't matter, Tuck. She's not just speaking out against them, she also going against the in-crowd in a very visible way. It'll be pretty easy for anyone going to that funeral tomorrow to see that she's not there when the rest of the A-List is."
"They really don't care about anyone, do they? All they care about is themselves."
"Look who's finally seeing the light." After years of trying to beat it into him, Tucker was finally letting go of the idea that being popular was the same as being a good person.
"She's all alone over there. Should we go talk to her?"
"Leave her be, Tucker," I said firmly. "The last thing she needs right now is you trying to score her on the rebound."
"I just meant being friendly! Though if that should turn into something more, I'm not one to complain about it."
I shoved his beret in his mouth. "Shut the fuck up, Tuck."
Danny put his hand on my shoulder and gently pushed me back into my seat. "Easy, Sam. We need him alive."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Seriously, Tucker. Leave her alone. She needs time to process things. If she comes to us, fine, but don't make shit harder on her."
"Since when do you care about Paulina," Tucker asked. "You don't even like her."
"Whether or not I like her doesn't change the fact that she's human. Besides, I can respect that she's sticking to her guns about this."
"I don't understand why."
"She hates Dash more than she loves the spotlight. Seems pretty simple to me."
"Fair enough. How are you holding up? You know, with Dash's death and everything."
I shrugged. "I'm fine. My biggest problem is balancing the humanitarian in me with the urge to cheer wildly every time I remember that bastard is dead."
"Sounds like you hate him as much as Paulina, not that I blame you."
"Maybe." He was probably right, but if he hadn't figured out what Dash had done to her, then I wasn't going to tell him. It wasn't my story to tell.
A part of me wanted to talk to her. She wasn't the greatest person on the planet, but I couldn't imagine what she was going through, much less that she had to do it alone. I knew that I only had bits and pieces of her story, but it was enough for me to see her in a new light. She was a bitch, but maybe it was just a means of protecting herself. Maybe she needed a friend to help her heal.
Maybe I needed someone who'd been through it, too.
My nightmares were starting to die down again, but I knew they'd come back the next time I tried to kiss Danny. I probably wouldn't be able to hide them from him again. If it weren't for his parents asking endless questions about his ghost half, I doubt I would have been able to hide them at all. I didn't like hiding things from Danny, but I didn't want him to feel guilty over something that was in no way his fault.
I needed to talk to someone about it, but all my usual people either wouldn't understand or would eventually crack and tell him. Paulina was not my first choice for a friend, but no one was beyond redemption. Maybe losing her status would turn Paulina into a better person, or least less of a shallow bitch.
Comments and feedback are welcome as always!
Invisible One