Underneath We're the Same

by JimberlyShipper

Blaine has lived on the reservation his whole life, and he's never had a boyfriend, let alone sex. Then he is set up with Kurt Hummel and it changes his life. Has mature themes, and is probably going to be a little angsty. Could be a trigger for anyone who has had cancer, or is a sexual abuse survivor. Has Klaine, Finchel, Puck/OC, endgames are Blam, Kadam, Faberry, and Niff.

13. I Miss You A Little

Chapter Thirteen: I Miss You A Little

A week later, and Blaine was getting ready for Santana's birthday party. Sam was already there, since he was playing. Blaine put just a touch of gel in his curls to keep them from getting frizzy. He was wearing a pair of khaki shorts and one of Sam's Bon Jovi tee shirts. Blaine was letting Jeremy go, since he was sort of going after his boy that was going to be there. Blaine had heard about Jeremy seeing him at the bookstore six times. Blaine thought it was so cute though. Blaine wished that it would work out for Jeremy. Blaine slipped on some sandals and went to Jeremy's room. He knocked on the door. "Jeremy, are you ready?" He asked, as he opened it. Jeremy was in fact ready. He wore board shorts and a soft blue tee shirt. Blaine blushed as he thought about how hot Sam was going to look while playing. When his brother caught his eye, and he gave Blaine a knowing smile. "Stop looking at me like that. I can't help it that my husband is totally sexy. Especially when he plays guitar." Blaine was sure that they were going to hook up again. Blaine didn't care if they did at the party. Blaine just always was willing to have sex with his husband. "You excited to see that guy? Do you know his name?" That was the one thing that Jeremy hadn't been able to tell him about the other boy.

"Yeah. I'm ready. And yeah, actually, his name is Drew Morgan. Sarah found out for me." Jeremy said, as he moved with his brother down the hall. Jeremy really liked this guy. He blushed deeply as they got out to Blaine's car. "I like him so much." Jeremy knew he had to stop telling the story of how he'd met the other boy. He was new in town,he'd moved to Raleigh from Elizabethtown, Kentucky. Jeremy was so glad that he had. Jeremy slid into the passenger seat as Blaine started up the car. "You are so eager to get to the party." Jeremy teased his brother.

Blaine blushed and put the car in gear. "I am, yeah. I love seeing Sam play. And he's turned the office into a recording studio. He convinced the record company so he wouldn't have to go to Nashville. They're sending a producer. I am so proud of him. I can't believe he gets to make another record. I will miss him when he has to go on tour." That was going to be very hard on him. Blaine couldn't go very long without Sam. But he also wasn't going to stand in his husband's way. He knew how much Sam wanted this. Blaine was so glad he was finally going to get a second chance at his dream. Blaine was so proud and happy for him.

It was amazing that Sam got to record a new album. Jeremy brushed his hand through his black hair. "I am so glad for him, too. It's so great. I love his singing voice." Jeremy had never seen a couple as in love as Blaine and Sam. Not even his moms. "You guys are so cute together. I love watching you guys. Not even my moms are as in love as you two." Jeremy fiddled with the radio and one of Sam's songs was on. They both grinned and sang along. Jeremy thought his brother had a great voice as well. He thought Blaine could have a career as a singer as well. Jeremy grinned as they sang, the car turning left as they got to a stop sign. They were almost there.

When they got there, the party was just starting to get into full swing. Blaine eagerly parked the car and they moved to go inside. As soon as they got inside, Blaine saw the birthday girl. He moved to give her a hug. Blaine handed her the birthday card, he'd put a gift card for Starbucks inside. The Latina loved coffee. Blaine stepped back once he'd hugged her. "I can't wait to hear Sam play for you. I'm so glad that Britt loves you so much." Blaine gave her a huge smile. It was going to be a great party. Jeremy had moved to find Drew. Blaine didn't have to be told that, he knew Jeremy was looking to get a date with the other boy. He just hoped it would work out for his brother. "Great party."

Sizing him up, Santana wondered why he was here. Other than his husband was playing the party. Santana wished that she could do something to make it up to Brittany. This was really a great party. Santana's brown eyes met Blaine's hazel ones. "I'm glad she loves me too." She finally said, trying for once not to be rude. She put the card on the counter. Santana sipped her Jack and Coke. "That your little brother you brought with you?" She asked. Santana watched him move through the party. Brittany had invited more than half the town. Santana didn't mind. She knew how much Brittany loved this town. Santana may be a nurse in this town, but she hated people for the most part. Santana brushed some of her raven black hair behind her ear. "I know why you're here. You're here because of your big lipped husband. You know that I'm more Quinn's friend than yours." It was true. Even if Blaine might not want to agree. Blaine was one of those be nice to everyone people. Those kinds of people drove Santana crazy. Not everyone deserved niceness. Brittany was one of those people, too. It amazed her that they were even together. But she thanked her lucky stars every day for the blonde. She sipped her drink again as Blaine moved to get his own drink. "You don't haves to be nice."

While it was true that Blaine was here to see Sam play, he also really liked Brittany. He'd come for her, so the party for her girlfriend would go great. Plus, Blaine knew that Brittany was proposing. He sipped his drink. He'd made himself a screwdriver. "I would listen to my husband play all day every day if I could." Blaine said, nodding. "But while you are more of Quinn's friend than mine, I do like Brittany. I came because I know that she wants this party for you to be great. And yeah, that's my brother." Blaine looked out after him. He was talking to a very cute guy, who Blaine guessed was Drew. "Do you know if that's Drew Morgan that my brother's with?" He asked, and the other gave him a nod. Blaine grinned. "I'm so glad that Jeremy found him. They met at a bookstore. Jeremy's been talking about him nonstop since." Blaine was so glad that Jeremy got the chance to talk to him. He knew that Jeremy was going to be over the moon. Blaine's curls fell over his forehead. Blaine really didn't want Jeremy to go back home. He was going to miss him when he did leave. Blaine wished Jeremy lived here. Sarah was going to stay. She had no home to go back to. Blaine and Puck had talked about Sarah getting kicked out. It really wasn't fair of her grandmother. Blaine was so incredibly glad they were able to give Sarah a place to stay. She didn't deserve to be disowned by her own family. It was cruel.

Across the room, Jeremy was fighting the butterflies in his stomach. Drew was so so hot. And he seemed so nice. Jeremy looked into those brown eyes. They were like chocolate. Delicious melted chocolate. Jeremy was so nervous. Although Drew seemed just as into him as he was Drew. It was so great. Jeremy took a drink of his soda. He wasn't a drinker. He was fighting back the urge to run his fingers through Drew's gorgeous hair. It looked soft, and it was deep brown. "I am so glad I found you. I didn't get a chance to give you my number." Jeremy finally said, his heart pounding out of his chest.

Drew looked back at Jeremy. He loved the other boy's olive skin. He had a thing for Latinos. Plus, Jeremy was half Native American. That was incredibly hot too. Drew's eye caught Jeremy's brown ones, and he noticed flecks of green. "I'm glad, too. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you." Drew told him. Although the way the other boy was looking at him, it told Drew that Jeremy was a relationship kind of guy. Drew wasn't one of those guys. He'd had a serious relationship once and the guy had died in a car accident. Drew had no desire to get that attached and lose someone again. Drew knew that he just wasn't strong enough.

Butterflies fluttered in Jeremy's stomach. He was glad that Drew hadn't been able to stop thinking about him. Jeremy hadn't stopped thinking about Drew, either. He brushed his hand through his black hair. "I haven't stopped thinking about you, either." Jeremy told him, his face covered in a blush. Jeremy had never thought a person was this cute before. "I… don't freak out. I haven't ever thought anyone was this cute before." He hated how nervous he sounded. Jeremy was trying to be cool and collected. It was hard, when he was this attracted to Drew. "I love your name, by the way. Drew. It totally fits you." Jeremy honestly was finding it hard to talk to Drew easily. He was so nervous.

That confirmed Drew's assessment of Jeremy. That he was a relationship guy. Drew knew that he had to nip this in the bud, as Barney Fife would say. Drew watched a lot of old tv shows. It was just how he was raised. Although he'd moved here to live with his grandmother. His mama had died and he'd never known his father. Drew wasn't even sure that his father knew that he existed. Drew hadn't ever been able to get his mama to tell him who he was. Drew looked into those beautiful brown eyes though and he couldn't tell him. That look, if he told him, it'd be like hitting a puppy with a rolled up newspaper. He was that adorable. Drew was acting bashful and that was very unlike him. "I think you're gorgeous."

Blushing more, Jeremy didn't know what else to say. He sipped his soda, and filled up a plate with some pizza. "The singer who's going to play this party is my brother in law. I'm so nervous. Small talk isn't really my thing." He said. His face was still covered in a deep blush. Jeremy didn't know what else to say. Jeremy looked at the other boy, wondering what he was thinking. It was hard to tell. Jeremy narrowed his gaze as he looked at him. "What are you thinking? You're… do you… do you only want this to be a hookup or something?" Jeremy was dreading the answer to this question. He didn't want Drew to confirm his suspicions. Jeremy brushed one of his hands through his black hair. "Because I can't do just a hookup. I'm not a hookup guy." Jeremy's face was falling as he spoke. Drew seemed to be ready to confirm Jeremy's suspicions. Jeremy's throat got a bit tight. He didn't want to lose Drew because of something like this. Jeremy was fighting back his tears. It was silly to get this upset. They'd only just met. Literally. Jeremy's eyes brimmed with tears despite his efforts to keep them at bay. Jeremy sipped his soda. Only to have something for his hand to do. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. It didn't seem to be lessening.

The fact that Jeremy had figured him out did surprise Drew just a bit. But he also wasn't going to lie to him. "No, I'm not a relationship guy. I know that's not what you want to hear. But trust me, you don't want to get serious with me. I don't know how to be a boyfriend. Not anymore." Drew swallowed had, and he didn't want to have to tell Jeremy about his ex. He knew that he couldn't get through that talk. Drew took a sip of his own drink, vodka and Coke. Drew was definitely a drinker. It was the only thing that dulled the pain he still felt. Drew hated that he'd put that sad look on Jeremy's face. Drew reached into his pocket and pulled out a joint and a lighter. Jeremy's eyebrow raised. "Do you smoke?" Drew asked, and Jeremy nodded. Drew lit the joint and took a long puff. "I understand if you don't want anything else to do with me. You don't have to change who you are or do anything you aren't ready for." Drew didn't want to be that guy. The one who talked Jeremy into being someone he didn't want to be. Drew had done that a couple of times and he felt guilty about it. Drew handed the joint to Jeremy so he could take a hit. Drew let out a breath as he watched the other boy smoke. Drew looked into those gorgeous eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I don't want the same thing you do. I truly am. I really hope that I didn't lead you on." He really did hope that he hadn't.

Before Jeremy could answer, Brittany cleared her throat and clinked a glass. The music that she had going when Sam wasn't playing went quiet. Brittany brushed her face, tears were falling. "I don't want to upset anyone. But Kurt… he's dead." This was met with loud gasps. Brittany couldn't help but cry. "He filled himself to the gills with a very hurtful drug at the hospital on third shift. They just found him." They'd called Quinn to let her know, Brittany had chosen to break the news to the party. She wanted to try and spread the truth before the lies took over. Brittany knew that not everyone was going to be sad. Her girlfriend stepped up to the blonde. Santana put her arms around the blonde. Brittany knew her proposal plan was off the plan now. There was no way she wanted to share this day with Kurt killing himself. It just wasn't fair. Brittany could feel anger towards her friend. She did her best to keep her anger inside. She didn't want to argue with her girlfriend or anyone. Her eyes fell on Blaine, whose eyes were filled with tears. Brittany let go of her girl and went over to Blaine, to hug him tightly. He gave her a good squeeze in return. "I'm so sorry, Blaine. I know he was your first." Brittany knew he had to be sad, even with him not being in Kurt's life anymore.

After a moment, Blaine pulled back. "I need to find Sam." He said, and moved through the house till he found his husband, who was strumming his guitar casually. Blaine's shaking hands took Sam's guitar and laid it aside. Sam looked at him with a surprised look. Blaine sat down next to him and then buried his head in Sam's shoulder. After crying a bit, Blaine said, "Kurt's dead. Committed suicide." Blaine couldn't… he was angry at himself for being so upset. It sounded callous and mean, but he was glad that Kurt wasn't going to make his life hell anymore. Or Sam's. This was sort of good news for them. As horrible as that sounded.

"You're not a horrible person, Blaine Evans." Sam told him, as if he'd read Blaine's mind. "He hurt you so much, Blaine. And you had already been through hell and back. You don't have to feel guilty for being glad he's out of your life for good." He didn't feel bad either and he knew that he'd have to repent about it. Sam rubbed Blaine's back. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you've lost your first love. I know it has to be so so hard." Sam said. He hadn't lost anyone like this except his own parents, and that was a different kind of pain. Sam leaned his head on Blaine's shoulder. He hated that his husband was so upset. This had to be awful for both of them. But especially with Blaine. "Oh God, poor Rachel." He said, gasping.

It didn't surprise him that Sam knew what Blaine had been thinking. Blaine sniffled and lifted his head off Sam's shoulder. "And… his stepmom. How selfish of Kurt is this? I mean, she just lost Mr. Hummel." She didn't deserve for this to happen to her. Blaine wiped his wet eyes. He didn't know how Kurt could have done this to his mom like that. She was a decent person. Blaine was so outraged for her. His eyes fell on his husband's. "I know… I should feel sorry for him. I shouldn't be judging him. I just can't help it. It's just so wrong."

Sam got why Blaine was so upset for Carole. He was right, suicide was a very selfish move. He was sorry that Kurt had been that upset about his dad passing away. And the pain he felt from Finn and his hurt over Blaine. It had to be awful. But he had chosen to end his life? Honestly? "I get why you're angry. Even if certain others might not. You have a right to be angry." Sam didn't add that it didn't have to be on behalf of Carole. "You don't have to pretend that it's for Carole. That you're upset for her." Clearly he'd made a split second decision to tell Blaine that. "Don't let anyone tell you you can't feel your feelings." He told his husband firmly. They couldn't judge Blaine for how he chose to feel.

This is when Quinn poked her head in the room. "Blaine… I just… I need to be with Rachel but I had to tell you I'm sorry. I know that you loved him so much before he hurt you." It was out of character for her to be so nice. But she was trying to change. She was trying to be a better person. For Rachel. It was very important to her. Plus, she and Blaine shared a child together. They would always be connected. Quinn had been so angry with him at first, but knowing what she did now about her own sexuality she couldn't blame him. She knew how quickly and confusing sexuality could change and be. Quinn tucked some of her hair behind her ear. "You… do you need anything?"

Honestly, it threw him to have Quinn checking in on him. She hadn't usually been the type to actually be nice. Blaine didn't know what to say to her. He didn't know what he wanted. "I appreciate the offer Quinn. I honestly don't know what I need. I don't… Kurt hurt me so much, and yet I still am so upset. I don't know what to feel." Blaine wasn't going to tell her a part of him was glad. Blaine didn't want to share anything with anyone he wasn't related to right now. Blaine knew they were sort of family but they weren't really close anymore. But Blaine knew that they'd always be in each other's lives, because of Beth. Blaine supposed that there could be worse girls to be attached to.

Meeting Sam's eye, Quinn wondered what Blaine wasn't saying. Quinn didn't blame him if he was glad a little about Kurt. Quinn hadn't exactly liked Kurt herself. He had been a hard person to like. And there was of course the fact that he had been Blaine's ex. And his first. That had hung over him like a cloud. It had been hard to break the shell he'd put up. Quinn looked at Sam. "Ca you give us a minute?" She asked. Sam kissed his husband and left them alone. Quinn folded her arms. "Are you really that upset about Kurt?" She asked. "You don't have to act like you are if you aren't. I don't blame you if you aren't. I don't know why you would be that upset after what he did to you." Quinn couldn't believe how strong Blaine actually was. He had been through so much in his life and he was still standing. She could admire him now that she understood why he'd done what he had. "Blaine, while I have you, I want to apologize for how we broke up. I didn't understand what you were doing at the time. But I do now. I've had to admit to myself that I'm into women. That was hard to admit with my background." It really was. A part of her was still worried that she was going to go to hell because of how she felt about Rachel. But it wasn't going to stop her.

Even though it had been awhile since they broke up, and she had apologized before, it still felt nice to hear. Blaine brushed his hand through his dark curls. "I appreciate the thought, Quinn. But you know I don't have anger for you anymore. And I'm okay with you and Rachel. Beth loves her. She always calls her Mommy Rachel." The question about Kurt was harder to answer. Blaine wiped his eyes. "I don't know how to answer about Kurt. I… I really am upset. I think part of it is that I feel guilty that I'm kind of glad he can't cause trouble for Sam and me anymore." A blush covered his face. Blaine didn't know how to feel about that. If he should feel guilty. Blaine wiped some cheeks. He didn't know how to handle this. He wished that he did. "I… Kurt was my first. My first everything. He hurt me so so much. I'm… yeah, I moved on. I got married. And I won't ever regret that. Sam is my soulmate. But yeah, I feel sad that Kurt's gone. I wish that we'd been able to be friends in the end. Because a part of me really did love him. I… even if I regret being with him. That's why I got so hurt. Because I finally let someone in and he broke me." Blaine hadn't really said it out loud in awhile. And he wasn't sure if he'd ever really talked about it with Sam. Blaine wiped his cheeks again. "I really feel so fucked up and I know exactly how that feels. I have always felt that way." She only knew some of what had happened to him.

She moved to sit next to him. "Blaine, anyone would feel like you feel. Kurt hurt you. I know I was a complete bitch to you. I wasn't very sympathetic about any of it. I was hurt. But you definitely didn't deserve what he did to you. I know that I don't know anything about what you went through. And that's okay. You don't have to tell me. I am so sorry that I added to your hurt. I didn't have any right to hurt you more. You needed better and I didn't give you that." Quinn tucked some of her hair behind her ear. She hated how upset he looked. Quinn didn't know how to make him feel better.

Blaine wanted Sam back. "Quinn, I appreciate you trying to help. I really do. But I need my husband now." He brushed curls out of his eyes, and she told him she'd go get Sam. Blaine buried his head in his hands. This was unbelievable. This was supposed to be a great day. Sam was playing and Blaine had been excited to hear him. He was sure they'd have had sex after he was done with his playing. Blaine had really been looking forward to that. Blaine brushed tears off his cheeks. That's when Sam came back in. Blaine rushed at him, and Sam put his arms around him. Blaine cried on his shoulder, still feeling incredibly torn.

When they got to Quinn's after the party broke up, Rachel was very distraught. Beth and Haili were at Rachel's with the overnight sitter. Rachel was glad that the party hadn't lasted long after the news about Kurt had broke. Rachel took off her jacket as Quinn moved to lock the door. Rachel's shaking hands brushed hair out of her eyes. She couldn't believe this. This wasn't a Kurt thing to do. Rachel stood there for a moment, trying to absorb the shock. "Quinn, I can't… how could he do this? It's so selfish! No one ever says that. I don't want to judge him. I don't. But how could he do this to his family? Haili's going to be a mess. She loves Kurt. And Carole… she just lost Burt. And Finn…. Who does she have left? She's all alone." Rachel would always consider Carole family. Rachel would possibly never have a mother in law again. Quinn didn't talk to her own mother. Rachel didn't want to assume they were going to be together forever. She also knew that she wasn't at all ready to be married again. Rachel turned to Quinn, who had walked over to her. Rachel's brown eyes were brimming with tears. "I… I don't know how to feel. It's so sad… but I'm so angry at him for doing this. It's… it's such a cowardly way to deal with things." That sounded mean too, but she couldn't help herself. Rachel Hudson was a girl that told the truth and always had been. That wasn't ever going to change, and that was okay.

It was hard to hear Rachel say those things. Even if it was true. Quinn hadn't ever liked Kurt. He had always been abrasive and cold to her. Not that she blamed him. Quinn had been the same way with him. Quinn was never going to be able to say anything nice about him. He'd been a horrible person in her eyes. She reached to take Rachel's hand. "Rachel, no one can tell you how to feel. I'm sorry that he did this to you. You're allowed to be angry. What Kurt did was incredibly selfish. You're wrong about that. But you can't dwell on those feelings. And not everyone is going to feel the way you do." Quinn squeezed the fingers of Rachel's she was holding. "You have to be tactful at least a little. You don't want to get anyone upset and then get yelled at. I don't want to have to slap someone for being rude to you. Even if you deserved it. And believe me, I know about that. I've needed to be slapped myself." It was true. Quinn had been slapped before. Quinn's hazel eyes locked onto Rachel's brown ones. "You know I hated Kurt. That's no secret. But I will be there for you if you need to vent or talk. You mean so much to me." Quinn hadn't really thought about that, but it was true. She'd worked hard to get Rachel as her girlfriend. Quinn hadn't thought too far ahead though.

That was a happier topic. Talking about what their future held. Rachel took Quinn's other hand. "Let's talk about that. What's our future like? Why are we dating? I know you care for me. You made that very clear. And I care about you too. You know that. I know it took longer to come around with me. I know that. And I'm not ready for a bigger commitment than us being girlfriends right now. I just want to know it there's a chance for us to have a deeper commitment one day. You don't have to tell me anything about forever. I'm not expecting that. To be honest, I'm not sure I believe in forever anymore. Finn and I said forever and then he died."

Quinn wondered if Rachel would ever be able to bring up Finn without her eyes getting misty. Quinn hadn't known Finn. She knew how much Rachel had cared for him though. Then she mulled over what Rachel had said. "I don't know that I'm ready for a deeper commitment either. You and I are fine right now. I don't know what I want for the future. I thought I was going to be with Blaine forever. And then I met you. I know that the sex we have is the best I've ever had. I don't want to give that up right now. I don't. But I don't know if I can promise more than we have at the moment." Quinn hated the look on Rachel's face. It was the truth even though it hurt. "I can't lie to you, Rachel."

"Quinn…. I'm not asking for forever. But you can't even give me a maybe? Quinn, I know you're still having issues with accepting that you're with a woman. But you have to get it through your head. You're a lesbian. You have a girlfriend. If you can't be comfortable with that, then what the hell are we doing? I thought we might be building a life together. But you can't even give me hope that maybe we'll be married someday." It was going to be hard to say this next part. She let go of Quinn's hand. "I need for you to leave. I need some space. I know the timing sucks. I know that."

That was very hard. Quinn's hazel eyes filled with tears. "If that's what you want, I'll go. You can call me when you're ready." Quinn then realized they were at her place. "You need to go, this is my house." Quinn kept her eyes on Rachel until she'd walked out. Thankfully they hadn't taken just one car to the party. Quinn had had to go to it straight from work. She moved to get some rum out of the fridge. She was going to need to be drunk for this. They were supposed to be having sex right now. Over and over. Quinn didn't know how this had happened. She wiped her eyes and took a long swig of rum. She'd just lost a hot piece of ass.

There wasn't a funeral. No memorial, either. Jeremy sat with Blaine on the couch, they were hanging in the living room. Jeremy didn't know what to say. He knew almost nothing about what Blaine had been through with Kurt. He also didn't want to upset his older brother if he didn't have to. They were supposed to have Beth today, but Quinn had insisted on keeping her that day. Jeremy had wanted to ask why she'd called but she had sounded so upset. Jeremy was sipping a soda as they sat on the couch. He cleared his throat and his brother turned to look at him. "I… I lost out with Drew. He only wants a hookup. It… I got really upset. Maybe too upset."

Blaine was really glad that they weren't talking about how he felt about Kurt. Blaine brushed wet curls out of his eyes. "I'm sorry, Jeremy. I know how much you liked him." Blaine wished Sam was out here with them. But he was working on some songs. Not in the studio at home, though, one in town. Blaine knew that Sam was wanting to get somewhere with his music this time. Blaine was very proud of him. He just wished that Sam could be holding him right now. "Don't give up. Just give him some time. Maybe he'll change his mind. I really respect you for holding to your principles It's okay to not want to do the hookup thing. I didn't ever want to do that, either. But I had issues with sex. Still do, really." Blaine really didn't want to elaborate.

It felt good to know that it was okay to not want a relationship. Jeremy took another sip of soda. "I don't want him to have to change for me. He should be able to be himself. I just… I'm so… I really want to go out with him. He's so cute. I can't believe that we're not going to get together." Jeremy ran his hand through his black hair. It was getting a bit long for him. But he wasn't going to cut it just yet. Jeremy sighed. He couldn't believe it. That he'd had to fall for someone who didn't want a serious relationship. "I just want to be with someone. I've never really been someone's boyfriend before. I just want what you and Sammy have." Jeremy really thought Blaine had hit the jackpot with Sam. He brushed his hand across his scruffy chin. He'd have to shave before he got home. His moms hated his beard when he had one. Jeremy wasn't sure why but he tried to obey. Jeremy set his brown eyes on his brother. "You are so lucky to have found Sam. I know that Kurt hurt you. I'm so sorry that your first boyfriend did that. I really don't want that to happen to me. I guess that's why I'm gun shy." It really did worry him that he could end up being used like Blaine was with Kurt. He couldn't go through that. Not after what he'd already been through.

Despite his desire not to get upset, he did. Tears brushed his eyes. Blaine wiped his eyes. "I don't blame you for not wanting to get hurt. Let me tell you, I still am dealing with the aftermath of what Kurt did to me. Maybe I always will be. I'm not sure. I wish that I did know. Sam… he's the best thing to ever happen to me, besides Beth." It was true. He sniffled a bit. "It… Kurt hurt me so much. I don't… I'll always have to carry what he did with me. I hate that I have to always have him in my life. I always…. He was my first everything. I wish Sam was. Although everything with Kurt got me ready for Sam." Blaine reached for a tissue. He wiped his eyes. "You should hold out for someone who really likes you. You're not wrong about Drew. He shouldn't have to change but he should if he really wants to be with you." It felt good giving his baby brother advice. Blaine just hoped that Jeremy would listen. He'd wished that someone could have stopped him before he had dated Kurt. Blaine wasn't sure it would have helped but maybe. Blaine brushed some curls out of his eyes. "I… Kurt did mess me up. I was already fucked up for life, that's the sad part." Blaine couldn't believe he even found the strength to get out of bed every day. But he knew it was because he had Sam. He didn't know what he'd do without Sam. The thought of losing him scared Blaine. More than even Sandy Ryerson had. Blaine wiped his eyes again, doing his best to calm down.

Jeremy hated how upset Blaine was. He reached out and took his brother's hand. He laced his fingers with the other's tightly. "You can tell me anything. I want you to know that. I'm sorry that you've gone through so much." He didn't know how Blaine even got up out of bed every day. Jeremy didn't know what to do. He wished that he could do something to help Blaine. It was so unfair that he had had to go through what he had. Jeremy met Blaine's eyes. "You have been so unlucky. I don't know how you even get out of bed every day." Jeremy had so much respect for Blaine. He knew he wouldn't be that strong. "Do you know how much respect I have for you? You are just so amazing. You are so strong, Blaine. I can't believe how strong you are." Jeremy had never met someone as strong as Blaine. He knew he'd never survive what Blaine had gone through. It was amazing how good of a person Blaine was. In another way that was the most horrible thing about it. In all of the world, Blaine wasn't one who deserved something like this to happen. Jeremy didn't know how that guy could live with himself for hurting Blaine. It was like hurting a puppy. It was the worst thing that had happened to anyone that Jeremy knew, let alone was related to.

"I know I can tell you anything. It's not that I don't want to tell you. I just can't handle talking about it right now. Too much going on." Blaine really wished that Sam wasn't working on songs. He really wanted to be with him. This was all so much to deal with. Blaine brushed curls out of his eyes. "I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I have to… I feel so guilty for what Kurt did. I know that I shouldn't. I can't control what Kurt does. Did. And I know that he's the one who hurt me in the first place. That doesn't mean that I don't feel guilty. I don't know how to stop feeling guilty. I don't… Kurt did this after I told him we weren't getting back together."

Jeremy let go of Blaine's hand. He folded them in his lap. "I just don't think you should blame yourself. You said it yourself. He hurt you first. You have a right to be upset with him. He hurt you. You moved on." Jeremy didn't think that Blaine should feel guilty for being with Sam, or for what Kurt had done. Jeremy didn't know how to not be angry at Kurt for making Blaine feel this way. Jeremy didn't think it was fair that Kurt was still hurting Blaine from beyond the grave. Jeremy kind of wanted to yell at Kurt. Even if he didn't believe that Kurt could actually hear him. He wasn't one to believe that spirits and ghosts existed. Jeremy ran his hand through his black hair.

Before Blaine could reply, the front doorbell rang. Blaine wondered who that was. He got up to get it. It was Sarah. "Hey, Sarah." He said, and stepped back to let her in. He wasn't getting as close to her as he was Jeremy. He was trying. She was hard to get to know. She didn't often open up and talk to anyone. Blaine understood that, though. They didn't know each other and Blaine knew it was hard to trust someone that you didn't really know. Blaine looked at her as she moved to sit next to Jeremy. Blaine asked, "Do you want something to drink?" He asked this with a touch of uncertainty.

Looking at her brother, Sarah wasn't sure what to say. Sarah hadn't expected Blaine to be home. She could hear the twins playing in their bedroom. Sarah wondered where Sam was. Sarah wasn't sure how to act around Blaine right now. She knew how upset he was. She also wondered if Sam felt at all jealous about how upset Blaine was about Kurt. She didn't think he should be, but he might be. She finally spoke. "No, Blaine, I don't need anything to drink." Sarah had come over to see Jeremy. She knew that he and Drew hadn't really gotten anywhere. Sarah tucked some of her brown hair behind her ear. "I mostly came to see how Jeremy's doing."

That stung quite a bit. That Sarah had come to see how Jeremy was. Blaine blushed tears off his face. "Okay, then." He said, as he left the room. He went to the kitchen. As he did, his phone rang. "Hey, Sammy." He said as he answered. He was so glad it was his husband. "I wish you were here. Sarah came…. And apparently it was only to see Jeremy." Jeremy had gotten closer to Sarah, but still. Blaine felt really bad that Sarah didn't seem to think that he needed support and family right now. Blaine really wanted to see Sam. He moved to get out something to fix for dinner. "When are you coming home? I really need to see you." Blaine settled on some mac and cheese and chicken nuggets.

"Oh, baby, I'm sorry." Ssm said. He knew that Blaine had been trying to get to know Sarah. "Do you want me to talk to her? I'll try and get through to her. Although, B, she might not know what to say to you right now. I mean, it's hard to know what to say to people in this kind of situation." Sam put down his notebook that he'd been working on lyrics with. He'd been at a music studio in town. It was a newer place. He had his studio at home but it had been too noisy. They had rooms to practice in, and it was kind of quiet during the day. Sam brushed his long blonde hair out of his eyes and started putting his guitar in the case. "That's why I was calling. To let you know I'm on the way home. I've got what I could done for the day. I'm on the way home, baby." He knew how anxious his husband got when Sam wasn't home.

"Oh, I'm so glad that you're coming home." Blaine said, putting the mac and cheese and nuggets in the oven. "I can't wait to see you." Blaine sighed with pleasure at the thought. "I'm so glad. And no, you don't have to tell Sarah anything. I don't want to force her to get to know me. To be fair, she's only really spoken to Jeremy and Olivia. Other than the twins. But everyone loves Stacie and Stevie." Blaine moved to get out a bag of salad. Jeremy was a big salad eater. Blaine brushed curls out of his eyes. "How long will you be?" Blaine was hoping it wouldn't be long. He moved to see if there was enough soda for everyone's dinner. "I hated you being gone all day." Blaine never felt okay these days when Sam was gone. He didn't know why that was. Ryerson was dead. He couldn't hurt Blaine anymore. Blaine wished that he could stop feeling so anxious. "I know I shouldn't be so scared without you." Blaine was going to have to work on that. He had to start being more secure when he was without Sam. Sam might have to go on tour some day and it's not as if he could go with him. Blaine sighed. "I've got dinner going. I didn't do anything too complicated." He brushed curls out of his eyes once again. "I really, maybe I do need to go to therapy." He knew Sam would be glad to hear that.

"About 20 minutes, baby. You'll be okay till I get there." Sam moved out to his truck. He switched to his bluetooth so he wouldn't have to hang up. "You will get close to Sarah. You just need some time. It's hard with her, she's so closed off. You just have to be patient. It's just gonna take time." Sam wasn't sure what to say about Blaine and going to therapy. He really thought it was a good idea. But he also didn't want to be too enthusiastic about it. It might turn Blaine off the idea. Sam turned on his truck. "You will be okay. You'll learn to feel more comfortable, with time. You've just been through a very traumatizing experience. It brought up all kinds of old feelings. You know how that works. You have PTSD and you know that." Sam had been studying up on it since he and Blaine had gotten married. He knew that it was a condition that never got better. It went through ups and downs. Sam couldn't imagine living with it. He wanted to be able to help Blaine. Sam loved him more than anything. Sam turned onto a new street. He was worried about Blaine, he just didn't know what was best to do. He supposed maybe he should talk to Puck about it. He might have some insight. "All I want to do is to help you, baby." Sam turned onto another street. "You're going to be okay. If you think the therapy might help you, then you should go." He said this as lightly as he could. He didn't want himself to be the reason Blaine didn't go.

That was all true. Even if Blaine didn't want to admit it. Blaine sighed and started putting out the plates. "I know you're right, Sammy. Even if I don't want to say it out loud." Blaine grew quiet as Jeremy walked in. Blaine watched him get a glass of juice and then left the room. Blaine sighed and spoke again. "Sorry, Jeremy walked in. I didn't want to talk about things in front of him." It was mostly selfish, but he also knew that he didn't want to upset Jeremy right now. He was already so upset. Blaine would feel so guilty. He checked on their dinner. "Are you sure you'd be okay if I went to therapy?"

"Yes, B. If you go, it's fine. I really think it might help you. I know you haven't been in a long time. You definitely should think about it." Sam stopped there. He didn't want to put him off the idea. Sam turned onto their street, and seconds later, their driveway. "I'm home, I'll be inside in a moment." Sam told him, and hung up. This was starting to become a routine, Blaine insisting on talking on the phone with Sam on the way home. Sam didn't mind of course, but he knew it was going to become a crutch if they didn't curb it. Sam went inside, he waved at Jeremy and Sarah on the couch. He then went on into the kitchen, to find his husband. "Hi, baby." He said.

Blaine rushed to him as soon as he was in the room. He buried his head in Sam's neck, just glad to have his husband home. He would never get through this without his husband. Little did he know it was going to get worse.

How do I,
Get through one night without you
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I
I need you in my arms, need you to hold
You're my world, my heart, my soul
If you ever leave,
Baby, you would take away
Everything good in my life
And tell me now

How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, oh how do I live?

Without you,
There'd be no sun in my sky
There'd be no love in my life
There'd be no world left for me
And I, I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I lost you

Author's note: Ha! I got it done! Started this at least two weeks ago. Sorry I killed Kurt. Okay. Not a lot. I love Kurt but he's a total and complete jackass most of the time. Especially with poor Blaine. I hope ya'll are hanging in. I really do hope to finish this. I'll do my best, and I will update ASAP.