Chapter Seventeen

Finding Shale

(Trigger Warning - Miscarriage)

The next morning, I was feeling like Hell warmed over for leftovers. When I told my friends exactly how I felt… many of them found the phrase amusing. Sten commented, "I do not quite get it."

"Food in the Qun is never wasted – you plan too well for that. Us lowly Bas have a hard time doing that – and usually make too much food. So when the food is left over, it is chilled and kept until the next day for consumption. The problem with this is that food doesn't taste the same re-warmed as it does fresh. As to having hell for leftovers… essentially, I am feeling rather ill and sore and tired all at once due to what happened last night. All bones broke and re-broke so that caused pain; I was magically and physically exhausted because I over-exerted myself; and I have felt kind of off for days now."

Leliana looked like was going to say something before snapping her mouth closed. Wynne said it, "Could you be with child?"

My face fell and Alistair pulled me into a hug as Aedan said, "It's most likely not possible for her to have kids, Wynne. She had a surgical operation after the birth of her son to remove that ability."

The whole group stilled. Leliana said, "Apparently, her son had… unique needs and trouble sleeping for years so… her husband and her boyfriend believed they could not handle another baby. The plan was to adopt a child if or when they wanted more."

Morrigan cursed, "I do not understand it – but I have seen how you act with children. You want more… why would you get such a thing done if you want more…?"

I shook my head, "We… Levi was Autistic. It's something you're born with – and it impacts the nervous system in the body. Common symptoms include difficulty with communication, difficulty with social interactions, obsessive interests, and repetitive behaviors – my son was very smart – but he only said a few words here and there by the age of three. His vocabulary was mostly grunts and whines. He couldn't cope with loud noises or strange people – the fact that he took to Aedan in the Fade is part of what clued me in to it being a dream. He would bang his head against things over and over… that's why I was a stay at home mom – so I could keep him from hurting himself. He wouldn't eat if his food touched other food. He had to have the green cup with the pony on it or he wouldn't drink. My husband was autistic too – a high-functioning autistic. This didn't help in being able to raise our son because he got frustrated swiftly. I loved them both – and I knew that there were limits. Alex wouldn't have been able to handle another infant so… I removed the possibility so that we didn't have to worry about what to do if I turned up pregnant again."

Alistair was rubbing soothing circles on my back. We had already left the tunnels behind at this point.

Zevran frowned, "I wasn't aware such a procedure was possible…"

"Well, there had been advancements in it too – it used to be they would tie the tubes in a knot to make it harder to get pregnant. It turned out there were cancer risks with that method – though it was reversible. By the time I got my 'tubes tied' they were at the point of completely removing the pathways from the egg-sacs to the womb. It isn't impossible to get pregnant after that – but it would be deadly to. I don't know if my tubes are still… I mean, many things stayed the same between there and here, like my tattoos. But some things changed – my ears, my eyes, my hair… as far as I know, it's mostly cosmetic changes. I just don't know. And I'm terrified of being checked because I don't want to get my hopes up just to have them dashed in the 11th hour. Besides – this is a new land… perhaps I just caught a cold or something."

Sten said, "Why would any woman remove such ability – it the purpose of women to…"

"Occasionally, it's done because it would be lethal for her to get pregnant. Sometimes, they do it because the biological female is Aqun-Athlok and thus is a male. If a female has family history of ovarian cancer – cancer of the egg-sac – then Tubal Sterilization can be deemed necessary to decrease the risk of her getting it too. Some people do it because they can't afford to have kids or they were traumatized as children in a way that they know they won't be good parents. There are plenty of reasons Sten."

He nodded, "I would have accepted any one of them. Thank you."

I knew Sten liked that I would explain things he didn't understand – he wasn't a scholar, but he now knew much of what his people lacked in information. He would turn over his findings and it would also boost his consideration for the Arishok role.

Alistair said, "Besides – children are very, very rare among the Grey Wardens. As Ara told us all before we recruited the Dalish – the Taint lowers fertility… by a lot. There may not have been a large amount of Wardens at Ostagar, but there were enough that I could reasonably see that any of them who had kids… it was before they took their joining. Not one Warden that I knew had kids after Joining. In fact, I only know of one Warden who did – and only because of Ara."

"Your Mother," Aedan nodded.

Alistair sighed, "Yeah… knowing it now… I'm worried about her."

I snorted and coughed, "S-sorry… just… wow… your mother is a very strong woman. I'll tell you about her. Let's stop for lunch – I'll make Pho."

Curiosity about the new dish is the main reason Sten didn't object to stopping.

It took weeks more of travel and the occasional fight with Darkspawn or bandits, but we reached the Pass just in time to see an elf chase after a Mule. I giggled, and I heard a few sniggers from behind me.

Felix was about 5'6 – rather short for Thedas human men – with short brown hair, dark stubble, and green eyes. His skin was pale, and his voice as he spoke to himself wasn't really deep, or high but somewhere in between.

We approached Felix, and he put up his hands and said, "Err… you'll have to forgive me if I seem a bit nervous. Not many people traveling in this part of Ferelden. Of course, that's part of my problem, isn't it? Mule got spooked by a wisp and ran off to the woods. Now what do I do?"

"Um… are you… are you asking us to find your mule?" Aedan asked, sounding amused. "Oh! No, no, I sent the elf to do that… I mean I sent my helper Tarren. Nice fellow that… Tarren," He was quick to tell us the name of his elven helper when he saw we had TWO elves with us – counting myself, seeing as I looked like an elf. "Allow me to introduce myself. Felix De Grosbois, Merchant and entrepreneur, at your service."

"My name is Aedan, a Grey Warden…" I was trying not to laugh at this whole encounter. I hadn't told Aedan what to expect from this, so he was all on his own.

"I don't normally take this route, but with the war I was hoping for a bit of luck and good weather in the mountains. Sadly I've had neither. This trip has been one miserable disaster after another. I don't suppose you'd… consider helping a fellow out?"

"What is it you need?" Aedan asked, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. I gave him a simple smile and snuggled into Alistair's chest as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Of all the other things that went wrong, the worst is this artifact I bought in Jader. It's a control rod, I'm told, for a golem. No point in me keeping it, as I'll never get to use it… but maybe you could?"

"Just how much do you want for it?" he sounded weary. "Nothing; I just don't want to have to lug around something that might be taken for a gemstone by a bandit. To be honest, I don't even know if it'll be useful to you. I paid too much to simple… throw it away" Felix sighed.

"What does… what does it do?"

"Brother, it's obvious. It controls a golem." I grinned. Felix nodded and said, "As long as you have it in your hand, the golem does what you say. Might be useful, no?"

I giggled and handed out a Sovereign to Mr. De Grosbois, "At least take something for it."

Felix gave me a grin and said, "Well, that's kind of you. Thank you… now I really must see if Tarren found that mule."

Once Felix was gone, Aedan turned to me, "Talk."

"The golem will have free will. Her name is Shale, though she doesn't remember that she was once a dwarf, so don't bring it up until we take care of Orzammar… anyway, she'd be a good companion to have, think of her as a portable battering ram, seeing as she's 6'5 and made of stone. She used to be 10 feet tall… her former maser took a chisel to her and I think that's one of the reasons she killed him. She has an unholy obsession with killing all pigeons… and we should also save the survivors of Honnleath. They're in a magically warded area trying to stay alive while darkspawn try to kill them…"

"We should… Maker's Breath, I guess let's go there first." Aedan said, sounding tired.

I blinked, "They should be fine until after we secure the Ashes. They have food, water, and chamber pots… they have enough to last them to the end of the blight if need be… We can hit Honnleath on the way back to Redcliffe."

Everyone looked between each other. "Honnleath" everyone but Sten and Morrigan said at once. I shrugged.

It took longer than I would have thought to get from the Pass to Honnleath, but on the bright side, I had gotten to fly as scout for a while, trading off with Morrigan just in time to check out Honnleath itself.

Just hours before we reached Honnleath, I landed to give my scouting report perfectly in time to hear, "Andraste's flaming sword! I know where babies come from. And I thought we already had this conversation Wynne. If Ara hears…"

I chuckled, "I put her up to it, actually. I think it's adorable when you get all red and flustered like that."

Wynne shot me a wink as Alistair gave me a glare. Even Aedan and Morrigan were smirking.

I snuggled into him and said, "Only about 30 'spawn in the open in Honnleath, but more may come out from any of the buildings, and there are certainly more in the cellar where the survivors are holding out."

"Only 30, so not bad for an initial head count," Aedan nodded.

We may have been prepared for others to come rushing out, but where had they hidden the Ogre?! It was such a surprise; I didn't have time to put up defenses before the damn thing lifted me and threw me several yards. Guess what broke my fall?

If you guessed my side hitting Shale, you have earned the prize of knowing how predictable this shit was. I heard Alistair and Aedan shout, and saw Sten behead the Ogre from the side when it bent to rush. My injury seemed to make them all fight as though they were in the final battle. I knew that I had broken some bones, and fucking OW.

I felt like hell. I was trying very hard to stand, but the most I could do was grab the control rod Aedan had handed me before we entered the Village.

"Dulen Harn," and then I slumped as she slowly began to regain her movement. I coughed up some blood and grimaced – I had certainly punctured a lung. I would need to change after this. I felt like my entire left side was on fire, but that's normal when you break so many bones being smashed upon a stone statue right? Sighing, I reached for my bag… and ended up hissing as it jostled my injuries. I was drenched in my own blood, not a single clean spot on me… thankfully this caused the Darkspawn to avoid me – I'm guessing due to my blood carrying the 'Anti-Taint'.

Of fucking course, however, Shale didn't finish 'waking' until all the Darkspawn were dead – though it seemed so fast in the game. Alistair came running over and helped me sit up, my sore back against his chest. Aedan was right behind him and Wynne was already pulling out a mana potion as she approached me.

"I knew the day would come when someone would find the control rod. And of course IT is another Mage. That is what it is, yes? Just my luck," Shale said in that deep voice.

I flinched in pain, "Nice to… meet you… too, hun. Wanna go on an adventure and squish every pigeon we come across?" I saw her stiffen.

"It is asking me? It… it does have the control rod, yes?"

"Hun, the control rod stopped working for you as soon as you woke. You are no longer bound to it. You have free will now. If you wanna come with us, cool… if you wanna go on your own way, awesome. Just know that if you come with us you'll meet Caridin, creator of the Golems," I grunted as Wynne held her glowing blue hand over my gut. Her face was grim as she healed the tears in my skin and inner organs. I was hissing in pain. I did see the horrified confusion in her eyes though…

"I… have no idea what I want. I will follow it about then. This should be interesting… It says I can squish the pigeons?"

I chuckled, "I don't like Pigeons either, but I've never been shit on by them. Feel free to squash any pigeon you see."

That seemed to please her. I felt healed enough to reach into my bag and groaned as the movement caused pain to shoot through me. Aedan was pacing and Alistair was murmuring in my ear.

"How many bones did I break Wynnie? It feels like at least half, but then it always feels worse than it looks… or is it the other way around?" I was trying to lighten the situation with a joke as I finally pulled out a soda and beef jerky from my bag. Her face stayed grim, even as she gave me a forced smile.

"What… Bellisima, is that the poison drink again?" I chuckled at Alistair and Aedans faces as they looked terrified. "Yeah, Zev… want one?" he nodded and I handed it over as Alistair exclaimed, "You drink Poison; willingly?"

Aedan shouted at Zev for encouraging it while Alistair tried to take my Livewire mountain dew away from me. "Hey! Not actual poison. It's just so chock full of sugar that it's super unhealthy to drink all the time. However protein from the meat and sugar from the drink will help me heal a bit faster as well as give me energy," I snapped.

Zev opened the drink and took a big gulp to show I was telling the truth. Sten looked interested and Aedan looked to Wynne who said, "Meat does help the body stimulate the healing process… and being magically healed does take energy from the one being healed, so Sugar would help with that."

Alistair calmed almost immediately after my explanation, but Aedan only settled after Wynne said it. I rolled my eyes. "Alistair, you trust me… want to take a sip of my 'poison' to put my brother at ease?"

Alistair, without hesitating, took the open can from me and sipped. His eyes widened, "Maker's Breath, that is amazing… what is it?"

"Soda; it's mostly sugar, as stated before, and so not healthy. It's one of my guilty pleasures. Now I need to go fight an Ogre later so I can get some dignity back after that hit… or maybe I'll just go fight a dragon," I grumbled. Sten nodded approvingly while almost everyone else stared at me like I was fucking nuts.

"Look, we all knew I wasn't completely right in the head when we started this adventure, so don't look at me like you expected that to change," I pouted causing Leli and Zev to laugh. I was finally able to stand – with Alistairs help – and I used my magic to change into a leather vest-style sleeveless shirt with a high collar and V-neck, and black jeans and for fun, I turned my hair dark purple.

Wynne said, "I… Ara, Alistair – might I have a word?"

We exchanged looks but followed her into one of the empty houses.

"What's got you in a tizzy Wynne? Was it worse than it looked?" I asked.

"Ara… Maker, I should have insisted on checking when we left the Peak. I had my suspicions and… you've… well, there's no easy way to say this," Her face was sympathetic, and I had a sinking feeling in my chest.

I ran through all of the conversations we had leaving the peak and froze. I whispered as my voice cracked, "Wynne… tell me you don't mean… was I… pregnant?" I was mortified at the possibility, I hadn't gotten period since coming to Thedas, and I was already fat so I couldn't figure out how far along I'd been.

"Yes… I'm so sorry, dear… you were about 3 to 3 and a half months along," I felt a sob in my throat. That would have been Redcliffe; our first night together. She pressed on, "I did a thorough exam while I healed you – there was no trace of the removal you spoke of. You are perfectly healthy… I worried because you said it could have been deadly to get pregnant after that… procedure."

My knees gave out – Alistair caught me as horror spread through every ounce of my being. I had been given a gift… and I had lost it without ever knowing. I… a scream tore through me.

Aedan burst into the house and took in the scene. Alistair was holding me as I screamed and cried in his arms – Wynne looked horribly guilty and… Alistairs face looked dark.

"What in the void just happened?" Aedan growled out.

I saw the others gathered outside – even Shale had come to see what was going on. My wings snapped out and enclosed around my mate and me. They could still see us, but the unexpected action had even Sten stepping back.

Wynne said, "It appears… she was able to bare children after all…"

"Then why… oh… No… Tell me I'm wrong, Wynne…"

She shook her head as I sobbed. She said, "When the ogre threw her against… Shale… she lost the child. She almost didn't live – her lung was punctured and… well… as you can see…"

Leliana had her mouth covered in horror. Morrigan looked sick. Even Zevran looked sympathetic.

After an hour of grief and crying, Sten simply said, "Should we make camp or continue clearing the village, Kadan?"

Aedan said, "We'll make…"

"We'll clear the village… we… I need…I… there are more Darkspawn in the Cellar. Making camp would be…" I was shaking and couldn't stem the flow of tears.

Alistair said, "Okay – we'll save the villagers… but then we need to stop and rest." His voice wavered and I knew… I knew this tore him apart just as much as it killed me. I tucked away my wings and pointed out the door we needed after leaving the little house.

When the villagers saw Shale killing Darkspawn that were threatening them they all looked stunned.

I ignored most of the conversation between Aedan and the head guy until; "You weren't sent by the Bann were you?" the guy looked so hopeful.

He shook his head, "No – no, sorry. Honestly, I don't think anyone knew you were still alive. We only…"

I cut in, "I came because I wanted to save the Rutherford family if I could."

Silence reigned – even among my group. No one had known. Alistair figured Cullens' family was likely dead.

3 people stepped forward. One was a female carbon copy of Cullen. I guessed she was Mia. She had blonde hair with brown highlights, green eyes rather than gold and pale skin; she was certainly taller than I expected at 5'8. The man, Branson, had brown hair with green eyes and stood at only 5'7 while their younger sister, Rosalie had brown hair and gold eyes standing only an inch higher than me.

"My name is Mia Rutherford. May I… ask why you were looking for us? Not that we aren't grateful! Just seems odd you'd come here when the area was overrun to look for us…" Mia asked.

I nodded my head, "I'm in love with a Templar Knight-Captain, and knew he was from around here so when I heard the place was in danger, I thought to myself, 'what better way to win a man's heart than by saving his family?' so here I am."

They all blinked. Alistair snorted – but he wasn't in a joking mood at the moment.

Mia looked stunned, "Knight-Captain? When did that happen… wait, you love my brother?"

"I love two Templars, dear, but since I doubt Cullen will ever want me, I figure I can still be his friend. He made knight-captain not long ago, and was transferred to Kirkwall. Since I know he's terrible at sitting down to write a damn letter…" Mia and Branson barked a laugh.

"I approve! Thank you for telling us where he is. And, uh… if he fails to see how wonderful you are, I may have to beat some sense into him!" Branson laughed. Mia ginned.

I've got this one. I suppose he'll do, since he's willing to share me and all," I smirked as I pointed to Alistair. I pulled a coin-purse out and counted out a few golden coins. "Here's 12 Sovereigns… you'll be safe in South Reach." I handed over the coins and Mia coughed, "That's a lot for just friends…"

"I'm rich, and I look after those I care for. You'll excuse me if I'm not my normal happy self… I just…"

Rosalie hugged me, "Was it you that we heard screaming?"

I nodded sadly, "Yes – I apologize for that."

Mia shook her head, "What happened? If I'm going to bash my brother into making a move… that would make us family so…"

"I just… lost my baby. I didn't even know…"

The two older ones flinched and Rose hugged me tighter. Mia said, "Well… as I said… I approve of you. I'll write a letter to my brother when the Blight ends."

I pulled out two sending stones – ruby gemmed and linked. I handed her one, "I'll give the match to Cullen when I see him in Kirkwall. It was nice to meet you all."

"Likewise – and thank you for coming," Branson grinned.

"I never did ask your name though…" Mia flushed.

"Ara," I shook her hand. "Arvaala Cousland!" Aedan corrected and I winced. "Aedan Cousland, if you keep this up I will slap you so hard your family will feel it for generations!" Mia giggled as the 3 of them slipped away.

That's when the main guy asked Aedan to find his daughter. We headed down the path.

I explained what needed to happen and how to do it too. Morrigan disapproved of saving a 'foolish' child, but everyone else just took what I said with a grain of salt.

When we approached 'Kitty' she really did try to make a deal with us. I glared at her as Aedan spoke.

"We'll let you go, but you have to leave the girl," He was lying through his teeth. He knew we'd kill the demon, but the demon accepted.

After all that bullshit, I was just tired. We all agreed to get a little ways away from Honnleath, however, so I wouldn't get sleep anything soon. I will gladly admit that it made me grouchy.

By the time we did make camp, I was against Alistair's side in his arms, almost passed out… no way would I be able to cook or sing tonight. I had tried apologizing to Leli about it but she shook her head and told me not to worry about it.

Wynne took care of dinner that night, but I was asleep almost as soon as I had the tent set up, meaning someone had to carry me into the damn thing… I was hoping it wasn't Alistair again, because I always felt bad that I weighed so much.