Something You've Read Before
Chapter Sixteen
The Difference in Us
"You're glowing!" came Sumire's pitchy comment as she stood next to the photocopier machine at the Student Council office.
Together with Mikan, they were tasked to make duplicates of the waiver to be used for the planned celebration trip of the council. It was just out of the blue when Sumire dropped the comment but she had noticed indeed Mikan's different smile and aura in the past days which led her to make such remark. They did not need to be longtime friends for Sumire to take note of things like this. Her eyes could easily notice any difference in movement, demeanor, or even the way someone talked. Ever since Sumire laid eyes on Mikan, she knew that the brunette was the kind of person who wanted to hide the not so good parts of her life and tell everyone that she would always find a way to have a good time and see the potential of anything but if she felt happy, it showed.
Mikan felt astounded knowing Sumire barely gave compliments. "Is that your indirect way of saying that I'm getting prettier?" she teased.
Sumire's face stayed serious. "I said you're glowing."
Mikan frowned and walked towards her. "Well, duh. No difference."
Mikan the pinched her cheeks, worried that she could be blushing without any concrete reason. Shaking her head, she then went to put the papers into separate envelopes and silently cursed Sumire's detective eyes. Mikan exactly knew the reason behind her joy but she couldn't admit it aloud to herself because she too was surprised after realizing the why.
"How are things with Ruka?" asked Sumire with a beam.
Mikan only smiled, still feeling surprised at Sumire's straightforwardness. "You don't miss a beat, do you?"
Sumire shrugged her shoulders and let out a sinister smirk. "I really think you should update your friends on the status of your love life," she drawled out as she finished the papers and shut the machine.
Mikan nodded in agreement. "Correct. But that is if I have a love life. Ruka and I are friends. He likes somebody else."
Talking so casually about it, Mikan knew that her crush with Ruka was just a short time thing. No matter how bad that sounded, it was the truth. She could not bear to have even the littlest ill feeling towards confirming that Ruka did like somebody else and that somebody else happened to be someone closed to her. Her efforts in joining an organization, dealing with Natsume's antics, and the drama brought by the members of the council, she all experienced that because she wanted to and not because she wanted to be a show-off to Ruka. In the end, she did all this for herself. Mikan struggled in finding a place to acquire change and since being in a club offered her exactly that, she was not backing out. She decided to enjoy every moment.
"Oh, do you know who?" Sumire asked, head slightly down but her eyes glazed Mikan's.
Very well, Mikan wanted to answer. "He just told me that he knew the girl way before. Just afraid to approach her. Something like that," she directed away.
Sumire sighed, shrugging her shoulders and went with the flow. "And now you're just fine with that? No hard feelings at all?"
Mikan snorted. Sumire talked as if she knew everything which might be scarily true. "Of course not. I am not that kind of person. I don't hold grudges. Besides, having a tiny crush on Ruka is not rare at all because he is kind, approachable, and good-looking. There is nothing not to like about him." It seemed like Mikan ranted but in her defense, she was just proving that Ruka was one of the best out there. Suddenly, she remembered the agreement she had with the president of the council during their talk which felt like it happened a long time ago.
"You're actually correct about Ruka's qualities," Sumire pointed out.
Mikan let out a sigh of relief. "Finally, you see my point."
Explanations were hard if you were bound to keep some details from the whole truth. Mikan's mind flashbacked again on that day when she met with Ruka at the school rooftop. No one besides them knew about that meeting and for a long time it served as their little secret. That instance made them closer which put questions into the mind of the people around them which made them to start thinking that they must have been dating which was the opposite of everything. Mikan did not say anything unless asked because soon everybody would know who Ruka really liked. It needed not to be a secret and instead something that should be delighted of.
"I thought you are not gonna give up. Just when you are earning Natsume's approval."
That statement made Mikan stopped and reprocessed her thoughts. Earning Natsume's approval was her mission and now she just stopped working on it. "Natsume is such a dork sometimes," Mikan let out, her face turned into an expression of endearment. "He is just looking out for his best friend as if Ruka cannot take care of himself. You know what? He always does that. Look out for others and display nonchalance but deep inside he cares. He is exactly like that to his family! Well, at least to his father. I wouldn't know fully because I haven't seen him interact with his sister yet. And have you met his mother? I think I finally know where he gets his attitude," Mikan continuously ranted.
"I can still remember the time you hated his guts," Sumire reinforced.
Mikan chuckled. "But he did it intentionally. He is willing to be the bad guy for others. He is so confusing, you know? Sometimes, it makes me wonder how one could stand him and then you get to know him and bam…surprise, surprise, he is actually not so bad. Not bad at all," she added as she slowed down at her last sentences when she felt she told too much.
Sumire leaned her arms on the table, hand under her chin, and stared at Mikan, saying, "Developing a crush with Natume is not exactly rare, you know? Almost every girl in the school does have a crush on him, big or small it may is."
"What?" Mikan yelped, her cheeks flushed and hear beat raced, "Who says I have a crush on him? That's absurd. I admire him, yes, but I don't think I am attracted to him the way I was attracted to Ruka."
Mikan liked to believe that Sumire took the bait.
"See! You think I think you like him!" Sumire jibed, squealing a little. Her little theory was now proven correct. Never did her intuition failed her.
Mikan's face drooped in the sudden frustrations she experienced. "Would you please lower down your voice? Someone might hear you and get the wrong idea! Especially Natsume!"
Was her defenses down? Mikan began to think of a reason on how Sumire perceived such revelation. She had yet to admit it to herself and yet Sumire directly said it to her face without an ounce of doubt. It was like Sumire just waited for the right timing and threw it to her face while being unprepared. When did she become such an open book? Now, if Sumire had knowledge about it the probably her close friends had too and the worst could happen was Natsume knowing of it too. A feeling of doom enveloped Mikan and at the moment, she could only hug herself to calm down. It felt too early for her feelings to be revealed. It was all premature and unnourished for god's sake.
"What wrong idea will I be getting now, Polka?"
Mikan felt horrified upon hearing that familiar voice while Sumire held her laughter with arms supporting her stomach. Mikan wanted to curse the heavens above. Of all the people who could be entering the office, it just happened to be Natsume. Luck was never on her side really. If she could just dig a hole and jump to it, she would have done so in a whim. She quickly changed her façade into a smiling one, rapidly thinking of an excuse or a misdirection until she managed with a, "Oh, Natsume! You scared me. Why are you even here?"
"I'm the Student Council Vice President, Polka, and this is the Student Council Office. That is why."
Mikan felt stupid for a second until she laughed it out nervously while Sumire was in the corner, watching her downfall. "Of course, you are."
Natsume rolled his eyes, deciding to forgive Mikan's air headedness this time. "Here, our trip has been approved. Go, spread the good news."
Sumire ran to snatch the letter away from Natsume's hands. "Yes! Finally." Happiness was evident on Sumire's tone. "Leave it to me to tell the whole school," she added.
It was the Shirahama Trip that Mikan kept on hearing about. She blankly stared at the letter on Sumire's hands. Mikan knew that it was an annual event of the student body as a reward from the academy for their hard work and success. She hid her disinterest but she was happy for her friends that they finally claimed their reward. Mikan grabbed all the waivers they photocopied earlier, arranging it for distribution. Even if she was not joining, she was still part of the committee so responsibilities were responsibilities. She wondered if this time the excursion would be welcomed with open arms from non-members. This school trip had a way of showing that officials of Alice Academy somehow spoiled their student officials.
"Here's your copy as the first recipient of the waiver form," Mikan said as she handed Natsume the envelope.
Natsume accepted and scanned the document before signing it. "All waivers will be forwarded to our committee so better check on that," he said.
Mikan nodded in understanding.
Natsume took a copy and offered to Mikan. "Sign yours, too."
"Oh, I'm not coming," she declared.
Sumire yelped. "What?! Mikan! Did you just miss my whole speech on how wonderful this trip is going to be?"
Causing a stir about not coming was not in Mikan's plan but Sumire made a big deal out of it already. "Apparently, I heard it all. I just happened to have plans," she explained, hoping they would buy the excuse.
Natsume just stared at her, fully knowing the bull she just stated. "If you say so, Polka."
English class was an uneventful one which made Mikan debate on her mind of learning the language could really help her in life after school. Although, she would favor English over Math any time of the day. After Natsume almost hearing the conversation she had with Sumire, Mikan couldn't think of anything that could surprise her even more. Since classes were over, it was expected that students flocked over the bulletin board to be informed about the isolated school trip. All committee members which participated in the Arts & Media Week were invited to join and that meant a small portion of the whole school population was invited. Mikan heard rumors that small protests from other clubs emerged but she wondered if that could really stop this school outing. She saw Nonoko, Hotaru, and Anna at the entrance, waving at her.
"Hey, Mikan, do you want to come shopping with us? Hotaru is coming," Anna asked.
"Sure. What are you shopping for?"
"Swimsuits, mainly. But, anything beach-appropriate," Anna explained.
"Oh! For Shirahama. I'd love to shop with you girls."
The only reason Mikan came with them was that she never shopped with friends before. Hotaru didn't really like going to public places and Yuu was a boy which summed it up. Mikan reckoned that this would be a good time to bond with the girls although Sumire was missing in action and surprisingly, Hotaru came. They rummaged into different stores already which she'd lost count and so far Anna and Nonoko bought one pair of swimwear each. It was challenging at first, looking at the clothes and deciding if they should give it a go or no go but three stores after, it became mind-draining already. Good thing Hotaru bought a hat from the store they were presently at. It sort of made the visit worthwhile.
"Are you not going to buy anything?" Nonoko asked, as they lined up to the cashier.
Mikan pretended to look around and replied, "I'm good."
They stopped by at an ice cream shop, feeling satisfied with all the items they got. Mikan just listened to Anna and Nonoko stories about their childhood and fashion disasters. Mikan enjoyed the chitchats more than the actual shopping. When they finished their food and decided to call it a day, Hotaru tried to be discreet in asking the question she had all along.
"Are you coming with us?"
Mikan shook her head, slowing her tracks so as not to bump with Anna and Nonoko who were leading the way. "No. I don't want to, Hotaru. I'm sorry. I am not ready to see it yet."
Hotaru's lips twitched in disappointment. "My brother thinks you can do it, you just don't want to. Listen, Mikan, sometimes you just have to face it."
"Let's not argue about this."
There Mikan went again. In this way, she always had the last laugh. Hotaru decided to let this one go. "Okay. I'll stop only if you promise to think about it overnight."
"I promise," Mikan said, trying to be sincere but she already thought about it.
"Is this it?" Ruka asked.
Ruka approached Natsume after classes to accompany him to Mikan's house. The favor was questionable to Natsume and he presumed that he could only find the reason why if he agreed. And that led them to be in front of Narumi Sakura's house on a cold night. Natsume stared at the humble abode, thinking how modest the Sakuras lived compared to his lavish house. Rich kids often felt emptiness when left alone in their mansions and Natsume was no different. He had a peek of the home when he once stood in that wooden door with cracked painting. The yellow lights were on, relaxing on they eyes as it escaped the windows of the house. Natsume guessed Mikan's room must be that second window from the left of the second floor. He could see the girly designs through the curtain but Mikan was not home yet. Ruka called her and she was just on her way home from the mall, taking longer because she preferred to walk again.
Natsume was tempted to knock and asked Mr. Narumi if they could just wait inside but Ruka said that it would be a quick conversation that they did not really need to bother their English teacher. So, it was the kind of talk that should be privately done. Natsume questioned himself if he really wanted to be there. Somehow, he was uncomfortable seeing them together even if he was friends with the both of them. Natsume saw that something about Mikan and Ruka's relationship was off but failed to pinpoint it. He looked at his best buddy who could not wait for forever. Ruka counted the minutes and Natsume just waited.
"Yeah. This is where they live," Natsume confirmed and could not help but asked, "Is it so important that you can't tell it over a text?"
Ruka smiled shyly. "Kinda."
Good thing that after a few minutes, Mikan's presence joined the two. She was still in their school uniform, holding the straps of her backpack as she reached the passenger side of the car. She had no shopping bags which meant she just accompanied the girls and did not buy anything for Shirahama. Both Ruka and Natsume knew the purpose of the shopping.
"Mikan!" yelled Ruka.
"Sorry for making you wait. Natsume? What are you doing here?" she asked, acting surprised even though she was fully familiar of Natsume's car.
Ruka got off from the car and explained, "I asked Natsume for directions to your house but I simply couldn't follow it so he took me here instead. I have something to talk about you."
Mikan gave a quizzical look. "So important that you need to come here?"
"Funny you should say that but it's about…" Ruka tried to explain.
Mikan immediately got the hint and blurted, "Ah, yeah." Then they both made eye contact which meant that understanding was in place.
Natsume observed their verbal and nonverbal cues. Obviously, they had a secret and in Natsume hated himself for being interested. He just displayed an unconcerned look all throughout their conversation but his eyes and ears were given to them although their talk came out to be so alienating.
"Thanks, Nat. I'll just call an Uber to get home," Natsume heard Ruka say.
That was his warning to leave them alone. "No worries," Natsume replied and waved goodbye to Mikan and Ruka.
Mikan watched the raven-haired boy drove off until he disappeared in her vision. She had a hunch that Ruka intentionally asked Natsume to show him where she lived. Mikan already prepared herself for Natsume definitely would be asking questions. "What is this about? Do you want to come in first?" she asked.
Ruka shook his head, meaning he would be quick. "You see, I want to confess to Hotaru."
Mikan squeaked out of excitement. "Really? That's great!" She knew that this time was gonna come. Ruka liked Hotaru and that was not hard to miss. Mikan realized that her admiration for Ruka faded when she caught Ruka looking at Hotaru with such flattery. Right there and then, she had to back down and instead help blossom a certain relationship. Although friends for long, Mikan found it hard to read into Hotaru's thoughts and actions if the Ice Queen could possibly feel the same. Hotaru was stoic, scary, and intimidating and these qualities never left her personality. Despite that, Ruka still wanted to pursue her which made Mikan feel giddy and amazed all over. Mikan would not be pushing Hotaru and Ruka together if she did not see anything between the two. Deep inside, Mikan saw the light, that somehow Hotaru could be compatible for Ruka.
"I want to do it next weekend and I need your help," Ruka announced in excitement. He actually had a draft in his head on how he would do it, when, and where exactly but he could never be successful alone,
Mikan's smiled faded. "You want to do it in Shirahama," she clarified.
Ruka nodded enthusiastically. "I just thought the place is perfect. It will set the mood and I just might have higher chances."
"Can't I just help you with anything that you needed to prepare? You see, I'm not going."
It's like Ruka lost hope. "What?" he blurted.
Mikan saw the disappointment plastered on Ruka's face and she felt disappointed at herself, too. This was what she promised to Ruka, that she would help him to get Hotaru. This was what they talked about on that faithful day when they met at the rooftop and what made them closer. "I am coming with my Dad next weekend for this..uhmm… volunteer work," she lied. Mikan's heart swelled because she had to lie pathetically about it.
"Well, I can talk to Mr. Narumi to let you come," Ruka said in a hopeful tone.
"No!" Mikan quickly denied the help, "That's unnecessary."
Then, Ruka felt desperate. "But, I really need you there. This plan wouldn't be successful without your actual presence."
Mikan believed that, too. How could she choose between her personal reason and her friend's welfare? It was confusing and a source of ethical dilemma. Her head ache because she forced herself to make a decision at that moment but she might regret either choices in the end.
"Fine. I'll see what I can do."
Ruka knew that if there was something Mikan could not avoid, it was to help her friends. "Great! Thanks, Mikan."
Last night during dinner, Narumi asked Mikan if something was troubling her. She said nothing but Narumi was unconvinced. Worrying her father about trivial things was not on her list of to-dos. She repeatedly thought about coming to Shirahama during her bath, arranging her bag, and while tidying up her bed. When the lights were off and she was about to sleep, it was the last thing on her mind. This was not a big deal at first but countless refusal made her seem like she was a killjoy and a terrible friend. Mikan wanted her father's advice but she knew his answer would be faint and that meant that she decide for herself. So, after shifting from left to right in her bed for about an hour, she finally sent a text to someone whose opinion would be unbiased and purely from scientific reasoning. No, that was not Yuu.
"What's the catch?" Natsume asked as he tapped Mikan's head with a rolled paper.
Mikan awoken from her deep thoughts and grunted. On her hands was the piece of paper she was just reproducing yesterday. She showed it to Natsume with such frustrated expression. Natsume immediately solved the what on Mikan's text of emergency. He was caught off guard when he received a message which said, Need to ask something. See you tom. They had not established it yet but their friendship developed faster than common. They were already on this level wherein they could ask each other's help in times of need.
"You seemed to be staring at that longer than you should be," Natsume commented and Mikan could only nod in agreement.
Mikan took a heavy breath before saying, "Can you help me decide on this?"
Natsume glanced at the paper. "It's just a yes or no, Polka. No big deal there. I thought you're not coming."
It was supposed to be that easy but that was not the case now. "When somebody asks me to be there, I started having second thoughts on just declining outright."
What Natsume saw was a girl not wanting to go on a school trip because of unknown reasons but now that the person she liked asked her to come, she suddenly wanted to come but her prior reason made it hard for her to just say yes. Girls were really confusing. Did Mikan really see him as someone who could give an advice without hurting her a little bit? Well, for one, he was known to be rude and second, he never made it easy for Mikan.
"Now that Ruka needs you, you wanted to take back your lie," Natsume drawled with venom.
Mikan wanted to argue the statement but she figured that Natsume was aware of the lie from the very start. Natsume gave her a challenging look to just spit it out, tell him what was bothering her. It was a pressuring stance and Mikan wondered if she really went to the right person. She forgot that Natsume could be mean sometimes. But, a straightforward person was what she asked for today and not someone who would sugarcoat things.
"If you want me to help, then tell the truth first," he added.
Mikan settled to give Natsume what just he wanted. She gave out a bitter smile and disconnected eye contact. Mikan observed her hands were shaking so to avoid being noticed, she held her bag and prayed not to be so nervous about it. Natsume waited for her speech. She could see a mixture of boredom and interest in his eyes. The people walking around them became a blur. The parking lot of the school seemed to be less busier to think it was just lunch time. She chose the words in her head, on how she would recount it in a simple manner. Mikan bit her lip and gulped before blurting anything.
"When I was a kid, we were supposed to go to this beach. I saw it on postcards and for me it looked majestic," Mikan narrated with a grim smile, "We met an accident on the way. It still feels traumatizing, Natsume."
Natsume refrained from saying anything at first because he waited for the continuation but got nothing. Mikan only told him the summary and he knew that was all he was going to get. The secrets of Mikan Sakura was not easy to unfold indeed. She admitted it in one breathing but Natsume still felt how hard it was for her. There was a deeper story behind it but he failed to think of a follow-up question to divulge the accident more. Mikan resumed eye contact and Natsume met her gaze. She was now waiting for his meaningful advice after that short revelation.
"Thus, you hate riding cars and beaches," he concluded.
"I can't actually hate something I never saw in my life," Mikan clarified.
They never reached the beach, Natsume thought with worry. He wanted to give her a sensible answer without reservations. "Then, come. And decide there whether if it's good or not. If it's worth it or trash."
Mikan almost cried. "I am actually scared," she admitted finally.
Mikan Sakura met an accident on a family trip, Natsume assumed, when she was just a little child. According to her, it was traumatizing. Due to this event, she grew up avoiding cars and preferred walking to get to a destination. She had never been to the sea. At age sixteen, you should have at least visited twice a beach in Japan but that was not her case. For her to feel terrified over riding cars and the mere mention of the sea, it must have been one hell of an accident. For her to be this emotional, meaning someone important to her was involved. Mikan was very subtle on that story, making Natsume think of a more controversial notion.
"If you can't take it anymore, I can drive you home," Natsume offered.
Mikan decided that the suggestion was very thoughtful of Natsume. "Will you? But, you will miss all the fun!"
She feared cars but trusted Natsume's driving.
"I will hold you responsible for that then," Natsume said in jest.
The proposition was tempting. Mikan planned to go but she just needed someone to assure her. She expected painful truth from Natsume and she undeniably obtained that plus his support. Mikan had no idea what to expect and she was still scared but now a little braver because someone promised to be there for her. She realized that not only Natsume would be there, Hotary and Yuu would also be present. Maybe she could make it. Meanwhile, for Natsume, he meant every word. He just couldn't stop caring about the people around him and if he would trace when he did start caring about Mikan's welfare, he couldn't remember well. It came natural for him to be there for her, somehow.
"Can't you just do something for me without any payment?" Mikan huffed.
"Our friendship happens to be different," Natsume added casually.
"Is this really friendship? I wonder," snarled Mikan.
They did not really know each other well. They just knew snippets of one's attitude, tendency to react, likes and dislikes, what their home looked like, and how they act when they're with their parents. Mikan liked talking to Natsume. He made her felt that she would be alright whatever the circumstances were. He made her felt safe during the practice acting with Ken, helped her in finding Neko, showed the relationship he had with his father and that all made her felt welcome. Mikan still remembered the way Natsume spited her just because she joined the committee because of her crush with Ruka. Leaves effortlessly detached from the branches whenever the wind blew no matter how light it was. Summer was ending and that meant her season with Natsume changed also.
Natsume was aware of it, too. He was conscious of this change. He tried to deflect it at first or maybe they both deflected it leading to them avoiding each other but they still found a way to bond over something. This was not about destroying her anymore or protecting Ruka from insincere intentions. This was already about the two of them and their newfound camaraderie. They did not spend long time with each other and yet they came up with this unexpected friendship.
Mikan took a pen and put the paper above her backpack. "There, I signed it."
He let out a grin. "Now, you make me proud."
"Natsume, I like this change in our relationship. We're actually acting like friends."
"Because we are. No one told you otherwise, Polka."
And it was the friendship that Mikan cared about the most.
End of Chapter
I was out, for what, three years? Super long time. This chapter was half-written shortly after I posted the previous chapter for SYRB but I couldn't feel anything out of it. For a long time, I pondered if I really lost the passion for reading and writing. I was more focused on work, seeing the world, career, holding myself together. Sometimes, it makes me sad how I couldn't be creative as I was five years ago. I would look on my computer and forced myself to just let it out but it didn't work. You cannot simply force things like this, I realized. Now, I am rediscovering myself, who I used to be, and what I used to love. I have always told myself that I love writing. I still receive PMs from readers/authors and it would only make me miss more the writer inside me. I wondered if it was the age and my current developmental stage that affected me (haha) but I know it was just me having new priorities. This time I am trying again and I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you so much!