Silent Misery R&R - Chapter 20
by HidingInSight
Gibbs strode down the hallway toward DiNozzo's apartment with Fornell on his heels. Turning the corner, he found McGee sitting on a padded bench across from DiNozzo's door, and David standing at the door with her ear pressed to the wood.
"Gibbs, I..." McGee started, jumping to his feet.
"Sit," Gibbs said sharply. McGee's mouth slammed shut and his butt hit the bench with an audible thud. "What do you hear?" Gibbs asked Ziva.
"Nothing."
"You can join him," Gibbs said to her, indicating the bench. "I'll deal with you both when I'm done." He knocked on the door.
"DiNozzo! I'm coming in." Gibbs twisted the door handle, expecting to meet resistance, and was surprised when the door opened easily. Unlike Gibbs, DiNozzo never left his door unlocked. Which was why Gibbs had a copy of the key on his ring. He stepped through and closed the door firmly behind himself, leaving Fornell in the hall with the rest of his team.
Tony was curled up in the corner of the couch with his knees pulled up in front of him, several couch pillows filling the space between his thighs and his chest. Providing counter-pressure for breathing, Gibbs realized. Tony glanced up, then looked away.
"You look like hell," Gibbs said by way of operner. And Tony did. His face was still a technicolor mess, even if the swelling was mostly gone. It looked like he'd been wearing the same sweats for days and his hair was greasy and sticking out in clumps. The nearly-full beard covering his jaw made it clear he hadn't shaved since Gibbs had last seen him four days ago. Gibbs wondered if he'd showered in that time.
"Gee, thanks, Boss," DiNozzo said softly without looking up. Gibbs took a seat on the other end of the couch, turned slightly so he could face his senior agent. DiNozzo's breathing was easy, if shallow, but there was a stiffness about him that Gibbs could see as well as feel.
"How do you feel?" Gibbs asked.
"Fine," DiNozzo replied.
"Wanna try that again?" Gibbs said with only a hint of reproach.
"I'm fine," DiNozzo repeated.
"Hm," Gibbs grunted. He waited a few moments, and when DiNozzo didn't look up, he tried again. "How's your eye?"
"Fine."
"Your vision?"
"20/20," he said.
Gibbs waited again. DiNozzo still wasn't looking at him, and the silence grew long. Gibbs kept waiting. He was in no hurry.
As expected, DiNozzo blinked first. "Why are you here, Gibbs?" He glanced up, then away.
"What happened this morning?"Gibbs asked in turn.
"Nothing."
"You threw McGee and David out."
"Tired of being watched," was DiNozzo's reply.
Once more, Gibbs let the silence build. He could feel a bubble of tension surrounding the younger man, just waiting to pop. He bet he could wait it out longer than DiNozzo could. He wasn't sure he wanted to, this time.
"Tony," he said gently. "Look at me."
Like a stubborn child, DiNozzo shook his head and kept staring at his knees.
"Tony," Gibbs repeated. "Please?"
DiNozzo jerked in surprise and looked up. Their eyes met for a moment, then DiNozzo's slid down to the fading bruises around Gibbs' neck before jumping back up again.
"What did McGee say?" Gibbs asked. Ziva hadn't been specific when she called, and Gibbs wanted to know what he was up against.
"It's not important," DiNozzo said.
"Tell me," Gibbs said, and this time, it was an order.
DiNozzo took a deeper breath, cringed at the pain that brought, and spoke.
"He only spoke the truth."
"And what truth was that?" Gibbs asked, though he thought he had an idea.
DiNozzo paused again, seemed to gather himself. "He said it was my fault. What happened. To you."
This time, it was Gibbs taking a deep breath.
"McGee's got his head up his ass," Gibbs said.
"He knows what he's talking about," DiNozzo insisted miserably.
Gibbs wanted to argue further, but he held his tongue and tried another tact.
"How long have you known me?" he asked. DiNozzo looked confused.
"What?"
"How long?" Gibbs persisted.
"Like, 13 years," DiNozzo said.
"In all that time, have I ever lied to you about something important?"
"Well, there was that thing about your first wife and your daughter..." DiNozzo said.
"I never lied about that," Gibbs said firmly. "I didn't tell, but I never lied."
"Okay," DiNozzo conceded. "Other than that, no."
"Any reason you can think that I'd start lying to you now?"
"No," DiNozzo said.
"Good. Then you can believe me when I tell you: This was not your fault."
"Boss..." DiNozzo said sadly, his eyes sliding away again.
"Look at me, Tony," Gibbs said again. "Eyes here." He pointed to his face. DiNozzo didn't want to, but he did.
"This was not your fault. It was my choice. Mine."
"It should have been me," DiNozzo said, his voice barely a whisper.
"The choice wasn't yours to make," Gibbs said. "I knew what was coming, and I went into it eyes open."
DiNozzo bit his lower lip, considering him with sorrow in his eyes. "But why?"
"We both screwed up. We both got caught with our guns holstered. Both of us. They got you first and you got beat. It was my turn. My choice."
DiNozzo blinked at him. "But I..."
"No," Gibbs interrupted. "My choice."
"If the roles had been reversed..."
"They weren't."
"But if they were," DiNozzo said.
"I'd have kicked your ass for intervening," Gibbs said.
"Exactly," DiNozzo said, but Gibbs was already shaking his head.
"If you weren't recovering from a concussion, I'd head smack you into next week," Gibbs said. He took another breath. "Only one of us gets to be in charge, Tony. Me. The decision was mine to make." Gibbs paused a moment, continued: "No one else was there. No one else knows what happened. The only person whose opinion matters on this is mine and yours. And I'm telling you, it was not your fault. You hear me?"
"I hear you," DiNozzo said.
"You believe me?"
DiNozzo considered. "I guess I have to."
"You do," Gibbs said. "There was nothing you could have done to stop it. And anyone who thinks different is going to answer to me. Okay?"
DiNozzo nodded, a little more confident now. "Okay."
"It wasn't your fault," Gibbs said once more. "Say it."
"It wasn't my fault," DiNozzo repeated back.
"It was my choice. Say it."
"It was your choice."
"Not your fault."
"Not my fault," DiNozzo said. "I get it."
"Good. No matter what anyone says, I want my voice to be the loudest one you hear. You got it?"
"It always is," DiNozzo said with a small smile.
"Good. Then hear it. It was not your fault."
"Okay," DiNozzo said. He took a breath. "Okay."
"So we're good?"
DiNozzo gave a strangled half chuckle. "We're good. But the doubt's gonna stay for a while."
"Hell, DiNozzo, we all have doubts. Long as you remember what I'm telling you, you'll be fine."
"Okay," DiNozzo said.
"Good," Gibbs said again. He paused.
"When was the last time you showered?" he asked. DiNozzo shrugged, then his smile got a little bigger.
"Pretty bad, aren't I?" he asked.
"Yeah. Why don't you take one. I'll be here for a while."
Tony thought about it for a few seconds, then nodded.
"Okay." He set aside the cushions and eased himself up and off the couch. After only a step or two, he turned back.
"Boss?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you talking to someone? About what happened?"
"Yes," Gibbs said after a split second's hesitation. Tony caught it.
"To someone other than Fornell?" he clarified.
"No," Gibbs admitted. DiNozzo bit his lip, hesitating, then took the plunge.
"You need to," he said.
Gibbs nodded slowly. "I know. I will."
DiNozzo considered him for a moment before nodding back.
"Good." With nothing further, DiNozzo headed for his bathroom. A minute later, Gibbs heard the shower start.
Gibbs sat on the couch for several minutes. He knew that wasn't going to be the last time they talked about it, but he hoped it would hold Tony awhile, at least. He'd seen men on the battlefield suffering from survivor's guilt; he'd dealt with it himself more often than he cared to remember. It wasn't easy for even the simplest of men to overcome. For someone as intelligent and passionate as Tony... it was going to take a lot of work. Gibbs made a silent vow to himself: He'd make sure DiNozzo got through it. If it was the last thing he did.
To be continued