A/N Hey people of earth! Sorry it's been a while. Writer's block and school decided to compete for each other.
'Italics with apostrophe thingies'—telepathy
Just Italics—thoughts/dream/flashback
Regular text— present

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Seriously, I think I sold my soul to the Devil at some point already. Although I do own my OC. Which is imaginary. Ah, the beauty of delusion.

Loud, heavy footsteps rang in the hallway. While two crimson clad teens-well at least they looked liked it- were in a cupboard.

"Omega! Only you would make trouble when we're already late! Father, is going to want our heads on a silver platter for this!" I hissed. "Gah. You're an idiot!"

He smirked. "Oh will you relax. It's only a bit of harmless fun, plus you liked it. I distinctly recall you're the one who started this mess…" he replied smugly.

I glared. "Well…shut up. Let's just get to quantum theoretical physics." I grumbled. "You know we're getting as bad our friends."

We then went out of the cupboard and on our way to the classroom, walking much more casually.

"And who might that be, hmm?" he sarcastically replied.

"You know damn well who they are," I retorted.

He rolled his eyes at me. "Yes, I know. The infamous Theta and Koschei," he retorted in mild annoyance.

"You'd think, coming from the more honoured Houses, they'd be more…" I trailed.

"Dignified, morally sound, serious, pompous, jerks -" he provided.

"Sane," I remarked dryly.

"You would think," he pondered. "But then again, they are our friends."

"True. But then, what does say us?"

"That we're special?" he sarcastically replied.

"Yeah, special," I snickered. "Special in the head."

We finally arrived at our destination.

He sighed. "Well, we better get inside before the others find us," he muttered.

"You think, Father, will find out about our little endeavor?" I asked.

"He is part of the High Council of Gallifrey…"

I sighed. "So we're literally grounded for the rest of this life, most likely the next as well?"

"Yep," he agreed popping the 'p.'

I felt someone giving me a mental nudge to wake up. I didn't try to move just yet, I reached out to the TARDIS first.

"Sweetie, is that you?" I asked still groggy.

'Yes,' she responded amused.

I sat up. "Okay, good," I responded. Wait…hold on. That was not my voice. It was way too deep for a woman and British…

My eyes popped open in a panic. "What the hell?" I squeaked. "Did I regenerate again?"

I seemed to have an accent similar to the 11th Doctor's incarnation but two or three octaves lower. Oh, this is weird. Although, he did say-will say the Corsair was a woman a few times.

'Yes. You seem to be going through these fairly quickly, Guardian,' she laughed.

"Ha, ha. Laugh all you want, Sexy," I grumbled and then threatened. "But if I get thrown into a black hole because you thought it was hilarious, I'm haunting you. I don't care if you are a pan-dimensional being." I paused. "By the way how do I look?"

'Why don't you see for yourself,' she offered and a mirror materialized. That's still alarming, even though I shouldn't be surprised.

Hmmm… a lot taller, about 6'4" or more and a large build but lean and toned. I have chestnut brown hair in a spiked faux hawk, strong jawline, high cheekbones; I'm in my early to mid-20s and Caucasian (though, I can still tan if I want to). Blinding smile, ugh…very cheesy.

My eyes widen in suddenly realization. Oh God! I've become Captain Jack Harkness!

I groaned. Think positive, think positive…

Cool looking eyes though, central heterochromia! The center part is a golden yellow, while the outer part a bright teal-ish green. It almost looks like the Medusa Cascade. But might be a little bit alarming considering the fact a new face is on board the TARDIS without the Doctor knowing-wait. Does he?

I rubbed my (now stubbled) face in agitation and exhaled. "Do the Doctor and Donna know?"

'No,' she sing-songed.

"Ugh. I hate you," I grumbled.

'No, you don't,' she replied. I swear I can hear her smugness in that voice.

"Oh, shut it," and to prove a point of my maturity level, I stuck my tongue out at the ceiling. She just laughed, the jerk.

I closed the door of my room, when I suddenly felt a dull pain in the back of my head. It started to intensify and I fell to my knees with my hands on the floor breathing heavily.

Then without warning, the pain grew stronger with images and memories of my whole life before I fell into the other universe. My parents, my twin brother, my daughter, my wife, and the adventures with the Troublesome Duo a.k.a. the Doctor and the Master in the Academy; though later with just the Doctor after leaving Gallifrey.

My head was pounding from the rush of information, I was panting heavily from the physical, mental, and emotional pain.

'Welcome home, Guardian,' the TARDIS uttered sadly.

Rage thrummed under my skin, I could feel my eyes burning with vortex energy. "You knew all along," I spat angrily.

'Yes,' she hummed sadly.

"Why?" I roared in anger. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She sighed. 'The same reason you didn't tell the Doctor about Pompeii," she paused. "It was better for you to learn in your own than a second hand tale. Plus I don't think it would have made a difference, I know for sure it wouldn't have made it any better."

The anger drained out of me as quickly as it came, knowing the being stubborn about it won't help the situation. I scrubbed my face tiredly, and massaged the back of my neck.

"Why are pan-dimensional beings always right?" I laughed humorlessly.

She hummed noncommittally. 'Because being right hurts less than being wrong. But not always,' she said sagely.

"Yeah, I guess."

'The Doctor is going to have a big surprise when he finds out. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,' I thought to myself, then sighed getting up from the floor to to bathroom.

I was showered and dressed with comfortable black dress loafers, a fitted crimson dress shirt with a solid white skinny silk tie tucked in a black slim fit chinos, a fitted black vest, and the TARDIS watch.

Damn was I starving. What the hell? I mean I just ate a mountain of food just before we left the TARDIS. I feel like a goddamn pregnant woman. I wonder if I hate pears… I mean I've been to Earth before in my other life-lives and have eaten them when I was human… Are they really rubbish? …Rubbish? Why are all the people in this universe stuck with an English vernacular and accent? Never really understood that part. Wow, way off topic.

Food. Food. Food. Where for art thou kitchen? As soon as that thought rang out, the door to the kitchen appeared. I patted the wall appreciatively and the TARDIS hummed back contentedly while I entered the room straight for the refrigerator that was bigger on the inside. Of course.

So while physically I was eating like I haven't eaten for days on end, I mentally thought about how to approach the Doctor and Donna.

Just then, said people burst through the door guns blazing-well 'sonics' blazing-same difference.

I was first startled to say the least and the food went down the wrong pipe. Luckily, the respiratory bypass diverted me from choking to death (again) and I immediately went to drink my glass of water. I looked up from where I was sitting and smiled awkwardly; the Doctor had the look of slight anger and confusion, while Donna was just plain confused. I sighed and motioned for them to sit down. Funny how I need to introduce myself all over again, this is so annoying.

"Good morning to you too, Theta. Ever heard of knocking?" I scolded. I shook my head at him. "Rude."

He and Donna were still staring at me ready to pounce at any sudden movements.

"What are you going to do? Put up an outrageous amount of cabinets? Unbutton my trousers?" I spoke sarcastically.

Donna snorted with a small giggle and the Doctor glared at her then looked back at me. I turned my attention back to my mountain of food and finished.

"Who are you?" he demanded.

I sighed. He really needs to stop scowling and learn patience, it looks like he's about to have an aneurysm or just really, really constipated. Maybe I should offer him a Bean-o…

"Jamie. Weeelllll, I was. But I was really the Guardian," I tried cheerily.

His eyes narrowed and glowered. I merely rolled my eyes and tried again.

'Seriously, Theta,' he didn't budge. 'It's me the Guardian, one of your best friends from the Academy? My twin brother's name was Eirian also know as the Light?'

'Kai?' he asks hesitantly.

I nod.

He visibly relaxed, and sat in one of the chairs in front of me, while Donna follows suit, but was still confused.

"Since no one is going to take charge, let me introduce myself, again. I'm the Guardian but you, Donna, know me as Jamie Oliver; though I'm not sure I can pull the last name off anymore. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the House of Blyledge in the Prydonian Chapter on the planet Gallifrey, in the Kasterborous Sector. I'm 9 hundred and eighteen years old, and I was just compensating for the energy deficit," I paused. "Sorry if I ate all of the contents of the fridge again," I smiled sheepishly.

No one spoke. So I just sat there looking down at my hands. I wonder what it feels to die in the vacuum of space… Well that's a bit morbid, probably less painful than being stabbed or shot. Though there was that one time I was almost set on fire for being a "witch." Stupid Salem trials… I looked back at my "captors."

"So you're Jamie?" Donna asked quietly.

I nodded. "Yes…" I drawled out.

"But you're a man."

"I gathered. I mean the right bits are there… Pretty good size bits too," I grinned cheekily.

"Don't get cheeky with me, Timeboy," she snapped with narrowed.

I smiled brightly. "So I'm Timeboy and he's Spaceman."

"You got a problem with that?" she snapped again.

"No, no, no," I said quickly. "I'm just saying we really should get t-shirts or really long flowing capes."

She furrowed her brow in confusion. "But how?" she pressed.

"Well, see there's this shop in San Diego, California where they can make these epic capes and really cool graphic tees. It's—"

She swatted my arm with roll of her eyes and smiled. "I mean the face and body changing bit you prawn!" she exclaimed.

"Ooooh! … You mean genius here didn't explain it the last time?" I looked pointedly at the Doctor. She shook her head and scowled at the Doctor. I face palmed and sighed heavily.

"I was busy trying to figure out how you got here!" the Doctor said defensively.

I pinched the bridge of my brow and shook my head. I looked at the Doctor. 'Theta, it's fine. I just wish you would have explained the regeneration thing to Donna though,' I then looked to Donna. I took deep breath and exhaled."Well Time Lords have this way of cheating death called a regeneration cycle. It changes pretty much everything: new face, new body, and even a new personality. But the basics of the person are still there. And in some rare cases, even the gender changes like me," I outlined for her.

"So, how did you die?" she asked bluntly.

"A bundle of laughs you are," I playfully mocked and she stuck her tongue out at me. "You better be ready to use that tongue."

"Why? You got something in mind?" Donna fired back smiling.

I just grinned suggestively, showing what I was really thinking.

The Doctor groaned. "Oi! Stop flirting. You're worse than Captain Jack."

"Doctor, if I was worse than the Captain, Donna and I would be on this table having sex in front of you. But you and I both know I'm not like that," I laughed heartily.

"Why not?" she pouted.

"Donna!" the Doctor exclaimed.

I laughed and looked to Donna. "And to answer your original question, I don't know," I shrugged. "Maybe it was the when I smacked my head in the escape pod. Probably an intracranial hemorrhage, so one my least painful deaths."

Donna snorted. "Least painful deaths?" she exclaimed incredulously. How can one have a least painful death?

"Well, I've been stabbed by bull horns, shot in one of my hearts, forced regeneration through radiation poisoning, shot by a Dalek, stabbed with a javelin by Spartan, blood sacrificed, and now intracranial hemorrhage," I paused in thought. "I had a lot of violent deaths and I blame the Doctor for five of seven."

"Oi! How is you dying my fault?" the Doctor cried indignantly.

"'Oh, the 1920 Pamplona Running of the Bulls will be fun,' he says. 'It's harmless,' he says," I spat. "And oh oops! I died. You, sir, are an arse."

"I got you a banana milkshake afterwards," he tried to reason.

"You ate it before it even got to me! Plus, I HATE bananas," I said in a disdainful tone. Bananas are icky. Yeah, I said it. I don't care if that sounds girly. THEY. ARE. REPULSIVE. Euch!

"How can you hate bananas?" he exclaimed incredulously. "Bananas are good."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Just like you hate pears," I countered and continued in a softer tone. "Anyway, I want to apologize to you both for my very bat-shit crazy mood swings. I had no excuse to treat you two like that. I'm sorry and if you two aren't okay with that, then can you drop me off at the nearest galaxy?"

They looked at each other in silent communication through expressions and gestures for a few moments, then back to me.

"No," the Doctor answered in a flat tone.

"No?" I echoed.

"No," Donna said firmly.

My brows furrowed in confusion. "Why not? I promise not cause any trouble. Cross my hearts," I tried again and even did the motion. "I'll—"

The Doctor interrupted my plea. "Well, we—" the Doctor gestured to him and Donna. "—don't want you to go."

"Yeah, it seems more interesting with you around," Donna added.

I smiled. "Thank you. Sorry for the—umm—misunderstanding. I think it was my brain adjusting to this universe again and there were a lot of stuff to sift through."

She patted my hands. "We were wondering where that was coming from," Donna laughed.

"I just thought it was that time of the month or just stress," the Doctor reasoned.

"You know what a period is?" Donna exclaimed.

"Yes, Donna. I do know human anatomy!" he cried indignantly.

This was going nowhere. I put two fingers in mouth and whistled a high pitch one. They both stopped.

"You both done?" I said in a fatherly tone, they nodded. "Do I have to separate you two?" they shook their heads. "Good."

"So, you two aren't angry at me?" I muttered softly.

"Nah, it happens to the best of us," the Doctor reassured me.

"Okay, so are we good?" I asked tentatively.

"Yeah," they said in unison.

Little did they know, the TARDIS and I just lied to them. Lied to them about my mortality.

A few hours later I found the Doctor under the console room with no Donna in sight. I hid myself in the hallway close by and blocked myself from the Doctor so he wouldn't be able to sense my presence.

'Hey, Sweetie. Where's Donna right now?" I asked the TARDIS but only she would be able to mentally hear it.

'In my library,' she answered bemused. 'Why do you ask Guardian?'

'I was wondering if you could keep her there until I was finished talking to the Doctor,' I pleaded.

'Are you trying to get my Thief and the Most Important Woman in the Universe together?' she surmised.

I sighed, caught and guilty. 'Yes…' I whispered.

'Good, I was wondering when you would finally interfere.'

My eyes bugged.

'Really? I thought that would cause a paradox,' I squeaked.

She laughed 'Actually, not only would it fine. But my Thief would be happy again,' she said with all love in her voice. 'What do you have in mind?'

'Will jealousy work to my advantage on the Doctor?'

'Yes, but try not to be too much. I don't want to see you in the vacuum of space,' she cautioned.

'Yes, Ma'am,' I mock saluted.

I mean could they be more obvious. The whole goddamn galaxy seems to think so. Make-out, have sex or 'shag' already. Stupid bloody repressed British/Time Lord people.

"Are you okay Kai?" a voice startled me out of my musings.

I nearly put my infinite knowledge of martial arts to use on the man before I realized it was the Doctor who called to me. That would have been very painful to his legs and ribcage.

"Theta, don't startle me like that," I reprimanded. "Do you really want to regenerate a little earlier than you would want?"

Well, he at least had the decency to look sheepish. "Sorry, I was just wondering if you were okay because I can no longer hear you."

He had led me to the console room where I promptly sat in the jump seat.

I lied for a cover. "I was—well, I just needed to collect my thoughts before I-I—" I quickly rambled believable enough so the Doctor wouldn't suspect a thing.

"Kai, it's okay. It's just me. Slow down," he tried to placate.

I took a deep breath and "summed up the courage." It's scary how authentic it felt even to me.

"I was wondering if I could ask Donna on a date?" I asked, a smile tugging at my lips as I saw a flash of jealousy over his features. And then it was gone, making me think as if it wasn't there at all. Oh, he's making this too damn easy.

He began to tinker with the stuff under the console and snorted, trying to laugh it off as if some joke. And God damn it, Doctor, stop trying to break her so you can fix her again. Idris really does not appreciate it!

"Why are you me asking for permission?" asked the Doctor in weird tone.

I began to circle the console itself. "Oh, because I wouldn't want to be stepping on anyone's toes," I said trying to get some reaction out of him.

He thumped his head against the console. If that wasn't an obvious answer, I don't know what is.

He sat up. "Pfft. Please. We're just mates. Just good mates," he tried.

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" I asked knowingly.

"No, no, no, no! That's all we are…just—mates," he said quickly but the tone for the last two words were of hidden disappointment.

"Oh, okay then. Wish me luck!" I said brightly and shook his hand.

"Good luck," the Doctor said softly.

I leaned against the arch leading to the library. Donna was hyper-focused in the book she was reading: Traveling through Time and Space for Dummies. Of course, why wouldn't we have that book?

So, should I ask her if she feelings for our resident Time Lord or actually ask her out? I mean they are pretty close—well they will be. Why not a little closer? I grinned to myself.

"So what's got you smiling a sunshine?" a voice asked, startling me out of my thought and not in a good way.

Donna was at an arm's length from me with her arms crossed and was smiling, too. What is it with people in the TARDIS sneaking up on me? What about 'combat veteran' do they not understand? I inhaled deeply, and then exhaled.

"Geez, Donna!" I exclaimed. "Seriously, first the Doctor now you?"

She stepped closer and swatted my arm lightly. "Oi! Answer the question," she pressed.

"Okay, okay. No need to get abusive, Miss Noble," I put up my hands in mock defense. "Let's take a seat, shall we?"

"I thought you were happy. What's going on?" she asked as we sat on the sofa.

"I am, it's just I was wondering if my estimations are correct," I answered vaguely.

"Can you be less creepy sounding when you say that?" she mocked.

"Oi! Watch it Earthgirl!" I exclaimed playfully.

"Oi! To you too! You still haven't answered my question."

"Are you in love with the Doctor?"

She spluttered. "What? No—I mean—no. Were-were—just-just mates. He and I are just mates. That's all we are! I mean it's-it's not like he likes me like that. Does he? Oh my God! Does he? NO! Of course he doesn't! He still loves that girl—umm—Rose! Yeah—umm…her! I mean he still does right? Right?" she stuttered and flushed a bright red.

I just sat there grinning like the Cheshire cat.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" she huffed crossing her arms and averted her eyes.

Oh, come on! It can't be that easy! I mean in the other universe they were "just mates," even though the whole universe didn't seem to think so.

"Oh, nothing. Just noting how you are soooo in love with him," I teased.

"What?" she screeched. "No—no! It's-it's—just—no—it's— stop it. Stop it! Stop looking at me like that!"

I laughed. "Like what?"

She gestured at my face wildly. "Like that!"

"Whatever you say Noble," I smirked. "You can't keep running from it."

She blew an exasperated breath. "But what if—"

"What if he doesn't feel the same way back? What if he rejects you?" I asked knowingly, scooting a little closer and pulling her against my side with no resistance at all.

Her head bobs and averts her eyes to down to her hands. I reach out and lift her chin up.

"Donna, look at me," I waited till she did. "You can keep saying 'what if' all your life and have that regret or just take a leap."

"But—" I cut her off.

"But nothing," I state firmly. "The worst thing that can happen is he doesn't return the feelings. But you move on. Because if he doesn't see you that way, it means someone out there in the vast universe is out there for you. Okay?"

She nods, but then pushes my hand away. "Wait, what's in it for you?"

"Can't I do this out of the goodness of my heart?" she quirked an eyebrow. "Okay, you caught me. I'm a closet romantic and this is my outlet. Plus you already have a pro going for you."

"And what would that be?" she retorted.

"His slight obsession with ginger hair."

"What?" she shrieked.

"Not that kind of obsession. I'm not saying it's a healthy obsession. But I'm not saying it's the one where we should called the nice people with in white coats, because I think they already did and didn't feel they could help—"

Donna cleared her throat.

"—right sorry. But I digress. I'm just saying you he's already noticed you. I swear he isn't going to ask you to put the lotion in the basket. Although, he does have an affinity for liver with some fava beans and chianti…" I trailed.

She smacks me upside my head. "Oi! Not. Helping."

"Sorry," I muttered sheepishly. "You really are violent, you know that."

She threw up her hands. "So, how are you going to help me 'woo' the Doctor?"

"Oh, not only he is going to be 'wooed,' but he's going to be hopelessly in love," I grinned evilly.

"Okay, seriously. You have to stop smiling like that. It gives me the creeps," she added with a cringe.

I huffed and stuck my tongue out at her. "Spoilsport."

If anyone is confused, Jamie/the Guardian/scary-time-lord-legend-name is a guy now. I know "blasphemy!" Coz it was a blast for me too! :D Sorry bad pun. I know I should get out more often...

Anyways, thanks for reading. Please don't forget to review. :)

~HuonParticlesAreHarmless