Chapter 9, Semper Fi
A/N- Semper Fi, is a Latin word for always loyal/always faithful. Each chapter name has a meaning to the story.
As, the last one did; Gone to the Dogs. It is an idiom for something going so terribly wrong, they feel they have lost all things good they have left. Or are in the process of losing them.
Just like with the crows, I promise I'm not crazy. I am going somewhere with Jackson and all of it. There is still a lot of story left to tell.
CONGRATULATIONS! To my fellow SOA authors for their wins in the 2016 Better in Texas Fiction Awards; decadenceofmysoul, elbeewoods and Samantha Renk. You ladies are awesome. Keep up the excellent writing!
What timing they had too. Bobby and Tig pulled their bikes up to the curb where we were standing around.
"How could you guys do this?"
"Do what? We only stopped because we saw you out here and a bunch of flashing lights." Bobby was nonchalantly blowing it off.
"Are you going to stand there and tell me the Sons had nothing to do with this?"
"The club didn't do anything." Now Tig was trying to convince me too.
"The puppy you killed, wasn't just Kyle's. It was Abel's too." I shoved Tig in the chest as hard as I could. I was at a place, I could no longer control my anger. It got the better of me. A physical act of violence wasn't my normal way of handling things. If you wanted to enrage me, hurting my children would do it.
"Puppy?" It was all Tig said before he took a look himself. "Oh, man." He was crushed. He kept inhaling in air deep to breathe.
Tig was heartbroken and he couldn't stand to look at George anymore. He unfolded a towel he picked up off the sidewalk and laid the puppy's small body in the middle of it, then covered him up. Tig closed his eyes and I swore he said a prayer for the dog.
"I'm telling you Tara, the club had nothing to do with this." I heard what Bobby said. But my focus was still on Tig.
Until I heard Nero yelling that was. "Kyle, no."
But it was too late already. Kyle knocked Tig's ass to the floor.
"Oh, you, son of a bitch." With blood coming from his mouth, Tig still smiled when he got back up on his feet. Bobby was literally pushing me out the door which had been torn off the hinges.
The cops went rushing inside to break up the fight. I finally set down on the curb to get out of the way of them. The one person I didn't want to see right down of course came to join us too.
"What's going on?" Jax pretended as though he didn't have a clue to what took place.
"You should know since you did it, Jax."
"I don't what you're talking about." He acted completely innocent. Even on the concerned side.
"Please, don't play stupid with me. I'm not in the mood for it."
"I've been at the clubhouse all night." Jax once again elaborated the same thing to me.
"Jackie has been with me all day. So, he didn't do anything." Chibs was chiming in for Jax. But I ignored him, this was between me and my husband.
"Then you had it done."
The action around me was happening so quickly for me to keep up with it all. Nero was trying to control Kyle. Jax, only encouraged it along. "Let him go, Nero. If you want some, come get some. I'm standing right here pussy."
The cops were literally earning their money tonight. I finally had enough of it and all of them. I went to leave but I couldn't. "Fuck, I don't have a car." Wayne was out by his truck in the street. "Can you please give me a ride?"
"Sure. What's all this about?" I ignored him and got inside. The faster I got away from it all, the faster I could calm down and think shit through.
"Where do you want me to take you, Tara?"
"Anywhere there is booze."
"Okay. I don't hang out at bars anymore. We can have a beer back at my place. If it's okay with you?" I nodded and looked out the window. At high speed everything flashed by as we drove. Just like my life; it was flashing by at a warp speed and spiraling completely out of control.
There wasn't anyone around when we pulled up to TM. I was grateful I didn't have to face them yet. Because it would come soon enough, especially Jax.
"Are you gonna tell me what's going on, Tara?"
"Beer first." I've never been one to drown my sorrows. But there was a first time for everything. I had a lot of those recently.
When I stepped inside Wayne's trailer, I seen photos and reports laying out on his tiny table. "What's this shit?"
"Um… well, I gotta pay my rent to Jax somehow." Wayne wasn't proud of what he did. You could tell by the way he dropped his head and wouldn't even look up at me. But when you owed a debt to Jackson Teller, you paid it back ten times over.
Right or wrong, I browsed around in what Wayne had laying out without asking his permission to do so. Those pictures were of Kyle and some of me too. The folder had the military record of Kyle Alex Brandon in it. "Have you been watching us?"
"I wouldn't call it watching you, just getting a feel on Kyle. Jax has never seen those pictures and won't."
"Jax had you do this. Why?"
"Jax asked me to find out about Kyle. Who he is and where he came from. All I found out is he has no criminal past, honorable discharge as a decorated soldier, kind of a loner and got a couple of speeding tickets."
"That's it? Kyle got a couple of speed tickets. So why the hell are digging into to him, Wayne?"
"I've heard all these stories about you getting into prostitution, seeing this fella and having the boys around him. I got worried. Again, Jax don't know nothing about nothing." Wayne's statement sent me into a tizzy.
"And exactly what did Jax say when you told him there is no dirt on Kyle?"
"Jax told me to dig deeper until I found it. Then got pissed off because I couldn't come up with anything bad about the guy." It was the one thing Wayne said which made perfect sense. Jax was pissed because it's easier to hate when you can see them as dirty as you are. It puts them on an even playing field in Jax's eyes.
The more I looked around, Wayne had a little setup of different investigations going on inside this trailer. One cork board was nothing but Collette and her known associates. "What else did you find out about her?"
"Collette isn't her real name."
"I knew that already, her real name is Maggie."
"No, it isn't."
What Wayne and I discussed before was minor compared to the information he gathered since the last time we talked. I thought her connection with them was bad. But nothing would have prepared me for this.
Wayne even mentioned what he found out previously about the whore to Jax. Of course, Jax blew it off because they owed the port. He just figured they went to Collette's place for pussy. Me, it didn't make sense. Only my husband would take an omen of what was to come and associate it with pussy.
"I thought maybe since the Madame and this Kyle fella came around about the same time, it was related somehow. It's probably the old cop in me or the only part of cop I got left in the old me."
"Do you think Kyle is still related with Collette?" It was a dangerous question to ask Wayne. Maybe, I didn't really want to hear his answer.
"No. Not after researching Kyle and watching his routine. Mostly, he spent his time with you, giving tattoos or with a little boy and some blonde gal. They visit his house frequently. Which, just happens to be your dad's old place." The way Wayne looked at me; he was expecting some sort of reaction to what he said. But I already knew he was talking about Nicole and Cody.
"How are we going to find out what's inside Collette's file?"
"Hadley is working on finding out. She does me favors from time to time. Whatever is sealed in the Madame's file, she sure don't want nobody to know about." Wayne had faith something bad was in there. He took precautions and started the process to find out.
Over Wayne's police scanner we heard the news; Nero, Tig, Bobby, Jax and Kyle were taken into police custody. For disorderly conduct, public disturbance and assault.
"Are you gonna bail Jax out?" Wayne seemed sincerely concerned about his wellbeing.
"No, not tonight anyway." It was another decision call. It would give Jax a chance to cool off. Also give me time to think shit through. When he made it out and I knew he would eventually. Where would shit go with us?
"Tara, I gotta ask, are you seeing Kyle? You know, personally."
"No, of course not. We're just friends. I don't even know why everyone keeps implying it. What Jax told you about us, is bullshit."
"I'm not going off just what Jax told me, Tara." When I pushed Wayne, he clammed up about what he said.
"I need to get home. I will call Gemma for ride."
"No need, I'll take you home." Wayne was kind with a big heart. But his love for the club was probably the biggest bond he had left in this world. I wasn't completely sure just how far his trustworthiness went when I was concerned.
"Thanks, Wayne. For the ride."
"Do you think the club had anything to do with busting up Kyle's place tonight?" My heart wanted to say absolutely not to Wayne's question. But, a part of me felt, Jax did.
"Do you?" Sometimes, the best answer to a question asked. Is to ask them the same question.
"I don't know. Jax is sort of outta control lately. He's been shooting from the hip without thinking shit through. When I heard the ruckus over the scanner and the club was involved, I went to see what was going on. I did a lot of bad shit over the years to protect Clay and the club. Because I got sucked in. Don't let them suck you in too, Tara. You're better than that."
"Good night, Wayne."
Nitta was asleep in the chair. I touched her arm to wake her but not startle her. "I'm home. I'm sorry it's so late.
"It's alright. What's wrong?"
"Nothing." I put my best smile forward to hide what I truly felt. I was getting so good at living the lie. I even managed to convince myself of it on the occasion.
"You look like you lost your best friend, darlin. Sit down and tell me about it." Nitta was very perspective. I felt like I did too.
Once I convinced Nitta I was fine, she took off. I asked her to come back early in the morning to watch the boys for me. Who really knew what tomorrow would hold for any of us actually?
Thomas was asleep when I checked on him. So was Abel. I set down for hours just watching my son. What would I tell him without breaking his little heart in to a million pieces? Nothing I could say would easy his pain of it all. I had to protect him from the brutal truth. At what point, could I no longer protect my children in the brutal reality of it?
A knock at the door woke me up. I felt sore from sleeping in the chair. I peeked out to see who it was first before I opened it. "Morning, Nitta. I appreciate you coming over so early."
"Maybe it's none of my business, child. But I can tell you're hurting. When I need help making it through the day, I turn to god. I pray for his help and guidance." Nitta carried her bible with her everywhere she went. It's not that I didn't believe there was some sort of higher being. But when you are a small child, praying your mommy will come home again to be with you. You get your heart broken because none of your prayers get answered, it makes you have doubts.
"If Jax shows up here, please, call me."
"Is he not supposed to be here? I need to know what I'm walking in to."
"Please, just call me." Nitta didn't need to know about all the history of the shit happening. In my heart, there were things I was still certain of. Jax would never physically hurt me or our boys. In other ways, he has done some serious damage to his family and I never knew what to expect from him anymore.
Since my car was still at the Lodge from last night, I took Jax's old truck. I hated driving it but what choice did I have. Most everyone I knew was in jail this morning and Gemma wasn't answering her phone. Or I assumed they were still there. I made it my first stop to find out.
"You gotta charge them with something or let them go. Are any of you dumb asses listening to me?" Gemma had arrived already. You could hear her all over the place as loud as she was. When she couldn't get her way with one cop, she went on to the next one.
"Dr. Knowles." Roosevelt was kind to me. Considering his history with Jax and the club, I had respect for him not treating me differently.
"Good morning."
"I'm not charging them with anything this time. But, I suggest you get Gemma Teller the hell out my police station before I throw her in a cell."
It took some doing to get Gemma to go outside with me. "Roosevelt is letting them go. Please, Gemma." It might not sound like a hard task to perform. But she was more than a handful to handle.
We stood around outside for almost an hour. The bikes rolled up, the club knew Jax was getting released too. It amazed me sometimes how connected to each other they actually were. They were unwavering with it.
Jax came out first, followed by Tig and Bobby. From the looks of Jax's face, it was a very nasty brawl between them. He wouldn't even acknowledge me or Gemma as he walked by us. His bike was parked by one of the Prospects and it's where he immediately went. They all followed Jax's lead and rode away.
Next it was Nero and Kyle's turn to get released. Their face's didn't look any better than the others. They too passed us by as though we weren't standing here. In Nero's car, they drove off in the opposite direction.
Gemma glanced in the way Jax went and chose to go off in Nero's. Her devotion belonged to Nero now. "Are you coming, Tara?"
"I have to see Jax."
"I'd leave it alone right now. He's still pissed off." Gemma's advice was good. However, I couldn't take it this time.
"I wish I could. But, I can't."
Gemma and I rode together to the clubhouse. It was another relationship with her son that had a rip in it. The only reason she came along was because of me. For the first time since I came back to Charming, her actual loyalty was to me. Otherwise she already made her choice and it was Nero who had her affection in the end. I warned Jax, someday, if he didn't change. Even Gemma would give up on him.
The doors were closed and most of them were already drinking in the bar this morning. "Where's Jax?"
"He's in the chapel."
"Is he alone?"
"Yeah, but I wouldn't go in there, Tara. Jax is working some shit out." Tig was the only one of them who acknowledged my presences.
"Yeah, well, I got some shit to work out too."
When I opened the doors, I found Jax sitting alone at the head of the table. His white t-shirt had blood stains on it. Mostly, from the cuts and bruises he wore on his face. He was drinking a cup of coffee, smoking a cigarette.
"We need to talk." I shut the doors behind me. There was no need to air our dirty laundry in front of everyone.
"Yeah, I guess, we do."
"I get the store being trashed because Kyle refused to pay. Everyone pays the club some price to stay in Charming, it's got SAMCRO wrote all over it. But the puppy, it's an all-time new low. Even for you, Jax."
"Sounds like you have been listening to your boyfriend a little too much. If you really believe I killed a dog instead of putting a bullet in him, you don't know me at all. We're done with this conversation." Jax just thought he could walk away from me to put an end to something he didn't want to talk to about. So, we took the fight out into the bar for everyone to witness.
"Kyle, isn't my boyfriend. But I know you had him watched, Jax."
"I just wanna know who the man is my wife spends all her time with. Don't even tell me is about the Lodge either. You've been meeting Kyle every day for the last month almost. Varies places too; his house you sold him, different tattoo shops he has, the park and then lying to me about it. Did you really think I wouldn't find out?"
"How the hell, do you know that?" Either Wayne lied to me and told Jax. Or Jax was having me followed around by one of the Prospects. In end, I knew where their alliance was, to Jax and the club.
"Juice." Sheepishly Juice placed a stack of papers in Jax's hand. He wouldn't even look in my direction before he walked away from us.
"We tracked your cellphone. It pings off the nearest tower available and gives your exact location along with how long you were there. The night you told me you were alone and drove around, you were with Kyle. You're always on my ass about honesty and telling you everything. How honest are you, Tara?" They were all staring at me now. It was true I expected something from Jax, I hadn't given him in return lately. But I could honestly say I wasn't doing anything wrong either. Could Jax do the same?
"I can't believe you. Is it why you destroyed his shop, because of me?" The guilt was consuming me now. I caused problems for Kyle. Which I never intended to.
"Go home and stay away from Kyle." Jax wasn't speaking to me like his wife. More ordering me around like he does the members of the club.
"No, I won't just go home. You're twisting this shit around. I haven't done anything wrong."
"Do you really wanna know what's it's like to be an old lady in this club? Then do what you're told. Maybe I should have enforced this shit a lot sooner with you. Then I wouldn't have to wonder who my old lady is spreading her legs to." Jax was screaming at me. I was stunned and hurt. Was it really the life the women of the club had to endure? Were their choices taken away from them? Did they have to give up their own opinions, thoughts and dreams just because they were told to? Well, it might be fine for them. But it wasn't for me. I would not be the obedient step ford wife.
"You, hypocrite, son of bitch. Maybe you should learn to keep your dick in your pants before you pass judgement on me. Don't you ever talk to me like that again." Without even a thought, I grabbed the empty beer bottles from the table and just started firing them in his direction. They all took cover wherever they could.
Happy was standing by the door not moving a mussel. "What are you looking at?"
"Nothing." He just shrugged his shoulders as I passed him by.
Gemma followed me outside. She only observed and didn't get involved. Which, it wasn't normally like her.
"Can I have one of those?"
"Since when do you smoke, Doc? It's bad shit for your health, you've told me so."
"Are you going to give me one or not? I need something to calm my nerves. After what I just did in there, Jax won't ever speak to me again."
"That's where you're wrong, sweetheart. Jax don't like to be challenged, he'll even be pissed off for a while. But in the end, he will respect you more. You never respect people you can push around easily." Gemma had a strange perspective on everything in life. But she was right, Jax always told me over and over. If you push a Son around, we push you back until we mow you over. Was it what he was doing to me as well? Pushing until I wouldn't allow it anymore.
"Tara, can you give me a minute?" Bobby was unsure of what my reaction would be. He kept his distance and at this point, it was a wise choice.
"What?" I was a little on the short side with him.
"I'll be in the car when you're ready to go." Gemma excused herself to give us some privacy.
"I know you believe we did that shit last night. It wasn't a club call. We had nothing to do with it. Jax is acting outta fear. Because we don't know any other way to be." I almost had persuaded myself of what Bobby said was true. Tig for certain had nothing to do with it. But, I knew something Bobby was unaware of. Jax didn't always act on a club call. Sometimes, he went off on his on crusade they didn't know about.
"Fear of what?"
"Losing you, Jax is just scared. Because he doesn't know how to handle the situation. There is only one thing in his life that's steady, true and outside of the club, you. If he loses you; he won't ever survive it. I know he loves you more than anything."
There was no need for me to respond to Bobby. I had nothing left to say about the subject. I slammed the door shut and Gemma drove us away from there.
It sadden me as we passed by Kyle. He covered the windows up with plywood. From the sidewalk he picked up what little could be salvaged.
"Drop me off at the truck, Gemma."
"Are you coming to the Lodge?"
"Yeah, I'll be there soon. I've got something to do first."
"Tell Kyle, I said hello." The smirk Gemma wore when she said it. Only she was correct, it was where I was going. To start healing the damage I've caused him.
"Hey, Kyle." He ignored me and went on with what he was doing.
"I'll help clean this up."
Before I even began, Kyle took the broom away from me. "You should go, Tara."
"I know this is my fault and I'm…"
"It's mine, it was my mistake. I got to close to you. You should go." I understood why he pushed me away.
"I'll talk to Jax. He won't try to hurt you anymore."
"I don't give a shit about Jax. I'm trying to protect you, Tara."
"Protect me from what?"
"You should go." It was all Kyle had left to say about anything. He eventually left me standing on the sidewalk talking to myself as he drove away. Now, I did feel like I lost my best friend. The only one who remotely understood me or at least listened when I talked. Maybe deep down, I was more attached to him than I wanted to admit.
In defeat, I got in the truck. Only to see Wayne across the street writing something down on a notepad in my rearview mirror. Was Kyle or I his secret assignment today?
"What are you doing here?"
"Well, I got to thinking last night after we talked. We might be able to know for sure if the club was involved or not." Wayne paced around while he spoke. Almost as though he was looking for something.
"How?"
"There are cameras around in different places."
"The stop lights have them?" In Chicago they tracked every single car that passed by.
"Yeah, but there not connected because of obvious reasons. Clay had me take those out years ago." Wayne kept walking as he talked. Then he seen something, as he took off in that direction. "This might get us the information we need." It was the bank's ATM. Of course, there was a camera attached to it.
"Let's go talk to them."
"Tara, I'm not a cop anymore. They ain't just gonna turn it over to us willingly. You gotta have warrants and shit to get it. I'll call Hadley and see what she can do."
"Will you call me, when you find out, Wayne?"
"Yeah, sure." Wayne was steady when it came to being a cop and his instincts. But how truthful would he be with me when he found out?
The Lodge was where I was headed to. I wasn't sure how Nero perceived all of this either. I didn't want it to affect our relationship. He wasn't just my partner anymore; he became a dependable part of my life.
He greeted me with a smile as though nothing had happened. It was one of Nero's endearing qualities he processed. To blow up and forgive as he moved on from it.
"I'm sorry about what happened with Jax…"
"Jax don't got shit to do with me and you, Tara." Nero halted my apology. I was right about him; he was one of the good ones.
"At least you're not holding it against me. Kyle wouldn't even hardly talk to me because of it."
"Kyle's a real stand up kinda guy. I've gotten to know him pretty well since he started working here. He won't be the reason your marriage is strained. He's doing it for you." Nero's reasoning was far off.
"Kyle is not the reason my marriage is in trouble. It was before he ever came along. But for him to bail on me. Makes him just like all the others in my life. At least, he isn't going to do anything stupid again Jax or the club."
"Oh, I didn't say he is letting it go with Jax or the club. Because Kyle won't. With him there is only right or wrong, no real grey areas. He's not bailing on you, mama. He's trying to do the right thing."
"I don't even know what the right thing is anymore. Besides, how is abandoning me, doing the right thing?" If I had to pinpoint one of my major issues in life. It was the fear of being abandoned. It began in my childhood.
"Do you have feelings for Kyle? I mean, I'm not judging you or him. I didn't know Gemma was married the first time I slept with her. But I knew after that and couldn't make myself stay away from her."
"What are you doing?" This was where I cut off the very emotional conversation and changed the subject.
"I'm trying to come up with something for our wedding vows. Gemma, don't care about that kinda stuff. But, I do. It's my first time getting married. Will you give me your opinion? You're really good with words."
Nero had scribbled a lot of beautiful words and paragraphs down on the paper. One particularly he had a big circle around; Corinthians 13;4-8, Love is patient love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast. It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
My eyes filled up as I looked down at my wedding ring. So many of those things mentioned in there, I failed in at my marriage.
"Come on, Tara, I don't write that good." Nero was joking around trying to lighten the mood.
"It's really beautiful."
"Oh, I didn't write that part. It's straight outta the bible. I want the minister to say it at our ceremony. When I was in Chino, I had a lot of time on my hands. I read the bible several times. I always said when I met a woman, I felt that way about. I would marry them. Gemma, is the one. I've gotta run and meet with him. Wanna come with me?"
"Isn't Gemma going with you?"
"She hates churches. I think it's goes back to her childhood. I go to confession once a week still. I'm not sure if it helps a pimp daddy, ex junkie, like me. But, I gotta keep the faith it does."
"Why not, I'll go with you." This would be something happier to focus on. Nero was so involved in the wedding arrangements. I was amazed at his firm beliefs too. I volunteered to drive. At least it would be in my own car this time. I hated driving Jax's truck.
"Why does my car smell like burnt toast?"
"Get out. Get outta the car, Tara." Nero was screaming at me and I wasted no time in doing so. I swore my feet were lifted up from the ground and my body was tossed away from the car.
We fell to the ground together as the car burst into flames. Nero covered my body with his. All I could do was cover my ears and beg for the pain to stop.
From my unclear vision. I saw a figure walk out of the smoke in slow motion. No human could have survived the blast being so close to it. His long hair dark made him recognizable to me. Within a few steps, his wings fully expanded. I had to of hit my head when I fell. I rolled over on my back looking up in the puffy clouds. I saw nothing though.
"Tara." Nero's screams only echoed in my head. What all the others were saying around me, I couldn't tell. The ringing in my ears wouldn't go away.
They wouldn't allow me to move. Not that I actually could if I wanted to yet. "Follow my finger." The EMT began working on me as though I couldn't understand what was going on around me.
"I'm alright." I needed to catch my breath. With them all standing over me, I felt like I was suffocating to some degree.
"Ma'am, we need to take you to the hospital to get you checked out. You have a bump on your head and you could have a concussion."
"I'm a doctor. Get the release form and I will sign it." The EMT was just doing his job. They were liable if they allowed a patient to walk away who were in need of medical assistance. Once I signed off on, I denied his treatment, he let me go.
"Where the hell are you going, mama? We need to take you to the hospital." Staggering down the street when Nero stopped me.
"I have to get to the boys." If I had to walk to make sure they were safe, then so be it.
"I'll drive." Nero made me wait until he started his car first. Then he let me get in.
Gemma got in the back seat and we took off for my house. Nero's cell was going off. "Yeah, she's alright. We're taking her to Saint Thomas to get her checked out to be on the safe side. After we stop to pick up the boys. Okay, we'll meet you there."
"Was it Jax?"
"No, Kyle. He came as soon as he heard about the Lodge."
"Oh."
"Do you want me to call, Jax?" Nero made the offer to help. He was always the sweet one.
"No. I'll call him from the hospital."
Worry was what I did all the way to the house. I still felt a little woozy when I went to go inside. The ringing in my head subsided slightly. Nitta had Abel at the table playing a game. I hugged him and hugged him. It almost made me cry with joy my babies were alright.
Eventually though, I lost it. "My babies could have been in the car. I wouldn't have gotten them out in time." I shook as I held my son to me and cried even harder.
"Come on, Abel. Let's go outside and play." Nero took him away from me. For Abel's sake it was better for him to not see me break down.
"Tara, look at me. They weren't in the car. It's gonna be alright, sweetheart."
"How can you say that shit, Gemma? Jesus Christ, someone tried to blow me and Nero up today. It could have been my babies."
Gemma sent Nitta home. I wasn't going to no damn hospital. I would be right here with my children. Thomas was playing in his crib when I picked him up. Just the sight of his sweet, little innocent face made me start crying again. We set together in our favorite spot while I rocked him.
"Tara, Roosevelt is here to see you." Gemma stuck her head in to tell me.
"Dr. Knowles, I need to ask you a few questions about what happened today."
"My car got blew up."
"Yes, I realize that. Do you know anyone who is out to harm you? Maybe, someone who has a problem with the club?" I wasn't sure if he was fishing to know club business or if it would actual help find who did this.
"I don't know."
"If you're scared, Tara. You can tell me. I will have an officer here to watch over you."
"I don't know of anyone who would want to harm me. Or anyone who has a problem with the club." It would be the only statement I would make. It didn't matter how many times he asked me the question. Jax would be irate if the cops got involved.
"We both know you're lying to me right now. You have children to think about. I am going to ask you again. Can you tell me if you know of anyone who is trying to hurt you or the club? I can see you're shaking. I can have an officer posted outside your house to watch over you and your children. All you have to do is tell me."
"I don't know of anyone."
Who came through the door wasn't who I expected at all. "You should really go to the hospital, Tara. Nero said you refused to go. What are you thinking, girl?"
"What are you doing here, Kyle? I got the impression earlier you were done talking to me."
"I heard about what happened. I probably shouldn't have come here but, I'm worried about you. Until I know you are alright, I couldn't make myself stay away."
"I'm fine."
"Trust me, you are not fine, girl."
Again the tears were flowing. Kyle hugged me and I let him. It brought me some comfort no matter how selfish I was being. Most of the time I lived in fear but when he was around, I didn't for some reason.
"We will go together, okay?" I couldn't stop crying long enough to answer him but I shook my head no. "Please, for me? You know you can't tell me no, girl." He had that way about him to always make me smile and feel better.
"Okay. But I want the boys with me, I won't leave them here. Are we done here, am I free to go?"
"Yeah, I think so." Roosevelt looked Kyle up and down before he walked out the door.
It should have been an easy thing to do. Walk out of the house and get in the truck to leave. However, it got complicated when Jax rode up.
"Why the fuck didn't you call me? My wife is almost blown up and no one can pick up their god damn phone." Jax was already harassing Gemma. She ignored him. So, I took over.
"Because, I told them I would call you once I got to the hospital. Leave her alone."
"And you, mother fucker, what are you doing at my house?"
"I came to check on Tara. Somebody needs to be around to make sure she's alright." Kyle wouldn't back down from Jax again. It was going bad quickly.
"She's my wife."
"Then treat her like it."
"Alright guys, don't make me take you both in again." Roosevelt stepped in between them. It was probably a good thing he hadn't left yet.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah." Jax hugged me tightly. I was surprised he still wasn't pissed off over what I had done at the clubhouse this morning.
"I'll take over from here. Get the fuck off my property."
Kyle waited until I nodded it was okay for him to go. I don't think he would have done anything in front of Abel anyway. Unfortunate, I couldn't say the same for Jax.
"Is there a problem Roosevelt? Why are you still here? Are you gonna arrest me?"
"Nah, I'm not going to arrest you today, Jax. I'd say you got bigger problems." Chief Roosevelt seemed to smile as he looked over at Kyle while he said it.
"Tara, here is my card. If you can think of anything to help with the case or need some protection, call me." I only nodded at Roosevelt before he left.
"We can't all ride on your bike. I'll ride with Gemma and Nero to the hospital." Jax kissed my forehead and rode behind us. Along with the others.
It was complete silence in the car. I had my boys, it was all that mattered to me. It wasn't so silent when we reached the hospital though.
"You can't be here." Margret was already enforcing the conditions of my license and being reinstated to the hospital.
"I'm her fucking husband. I have every right to be here."
"Jax, I should have told you sooner." I finally intervened between them too.
"Told me what, Tara?"
"The only way I could get my licenses back is not to be associated with the club on hospital grounds. It's a temporary probation period I have to get through. I don't have any choice, it's the only way to keep my licenses active. Then it will be normal again and I can change them over to another hospital if I want to. I'm sorry, I didn't tell you."
"There's been a lot of shit, you haven't told me lately. I'll wait outside for you. Or should I park across the street? So no one knows you're associated with or married to the known outlaw." Jax stormed out the door. My timing with him hasn't been exactly the best.
"Everything alright in here?" Nero was at the door because Jax blew past him.
"You can come in, Nero."
"Well, I will come back and check on you later." Margret excused herself to go back to work.
"Thanks, Margret."
"Is something wrong, Nero? Are the boys okay?"
"Yeah, they're with Gemma right outside the door. She got Abel a snack to eat and is playing with Thomas."
"Then what is it?"
"That bomb was meant for you, Tara. If you would have left the Lodge to follow Kyle last night, I… It just makes me nervous. They were certain you would follow after him. Jax or someone got the car towed away before the cops got there."
"How do you know that?"
"Roosevelt said the car is missing. I saw the club ride past us when we got to town. It took them an hour to get to the house. Now, I'm not imply…"
"You're not implying Jax did it. But everything points to him." It literally made my heart ache to allow those words to come out of my mouth. Something I was so positive of this morning, I no longer could be.
Nero's cell rang and he excused himself to take it. When he came back in the room he was pacing. "What's wrong?"
"That was Lyla. The cops just delivered a cease and desist order. We're officially shut down. I gotta go the girls are freaking out."
"Yeah, go take care of them. I appreciate everything you do for me, Nero." Nero only smiled before he left. I wasn't smiling at all.
For hours, I set in the room waiting for the test results. When the doctor finally came in. "I want to keep you overnight just as precaution." My concern was my hearing. Which he said should return to normal with a week or so. But I might have some slight humming in my ears until then.
"I'm fine. I will sign the release form." Again I went through the same routine of denying recommended medical treatment. There was no way in hell I was staying here away from my boys with everything going on.
We went outside to find Jax. But of course he had business to handle and was gone already. He left us Phil behind to watch over me and the boys. So I called the one person I could count on.
Only Kyle wasn't picking up this time. I knew he had another phone because he called Nero from it. Gemma even called Nero to make sure Kyle hadn't changed his number and he hadn't.
After I tried him a couple more times, I gave up. "So, now what?"
"I guess we wait for Nero to get back. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." For the whole day I said those words many times and hadn't meant them once yet. I didn't this time either.
"Kyle is probably just busy." Gemma blew it off to make me feel better. But we both knew that was a bunch of bullshit.
"Yeah, probably." It shouldn't have bothered me at all. He definitely didn't owe me anything. But when you've never had a real friend before, it meant something to you. He was my best friend lately.
Everyone I should have been able to count on in life has always abandoned me in one form or another. My mother when I was just a young girl. I've always wondered how differently my life would have been if she never left me.
Although my father stayed, he wasn't ever there for me either. He let the bottle and her rule his world until the day he died. Once upon a time, I thought Jax was in it for the long haul too with me, until death do we part. He would never leave me or Charming or the club. But if I chose to leave here, he wouldn't follow me either. I guess it's why it hurt so much Kyle left me too.
Nero was kind enough to drive all the way back to get us. He tried to avoid all the bad things and keep the atmosphere on the positive side on the ride back to the house.
"Thanks, for the ride."
"We'll help you get the boys in the house."
Jax was setting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in his hand. "Sorry, I had to go back to the clubhouse. Phil called and said you were already on the way back here."
"Everyone knows Tara is here with you Jackson. I expect everything to be fine when I come over in the morning to check on her too." Gemma said it in a way she wasn't accusing him. But she might as well come out said she thought he did it all.
"What's that shit supposed to mean? Do you think I got something to do with what happened today? Have you lost your fucking mind? Or are you still laying drunk and high all day?" Jax was only making things worse by being snide to her.
"You've said enough to your mother, Jax." You could tell by Nero's tone he wasn't going to take much more before he exploded.
"Don't buy into Gemma's bullshit, Nero. She will twist shit up until she gets her way." There were those times Jax didn't know when to shut the fuck up. Now was one of them. Although what he said about his mother, applied to him as well.
"All I know is Kyle's shop gets busted up, Tara and I were almost killed today and we got shut down." It was coming close to the point of Nero becoming confrontational.
"You think I did that shit? Maybe you're the one who needs help, Nero. You've been with Gemma to long."
"Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow. I will be over to help get everything packed up. I'm not giving up on our business, we will find a new location." It was the easiest way to not allow another argument to break out. So, I ended it for all of them.
After they left, I put my boys to bed because I was exhausted. I was leery of Jax in the house with us. Mentally I tried my best to rationalize it all. But, it always came back to the same conclusion. He did it, he had it done or someone wanted me to really believe he did.
When I flipped the light on in our room; he startled me. Jax was staring at the wall without even blinking. The smoke circled around him from his cigarette as he took another long drag from it. "Are you in love with Kyle?"
"No."
"Did you fuck him?"
"No."
"Then why didn't you tell me you were with him?" Jax kept this conversation level a lot mellower than he had earlier today.
"If you knew, why didn't you say something, Jax?"
"I kept quiet because I thought it would blow over; Kyle was just some sort of fascination and you would get past it. Then, the two of you just got closer. He even started replacing me with my son. Best case, it was my payback for what I've done in the past. Worst case,… I won't ever give up and let you go."
"How many times do I have to say it? I have not done a damn thing with Kyle or anyone else for that matter. This isn't some sick retaliation, Jax. To get back at you for cheating. The whole world is not out to get you even though you think so. Just like the world doesn't focus around you as much as you want it to."
"Let's face it, you're a step up for me. I'm five step down for you. I guess, you didn't marry so well, huh? I got the better end of the deal. I know what I am and you still love me anyway. I didn't have anything to do with what happened. I…I love you, Tara." Jax went to come near me and I stepped away. Internally I was conflicted and torn. He only looked down then walked away.
Once he was out of our room, I waited to hear the front door slam. For Jax to go running off to the clubhouse. But it didn't. I went on with my nightly routine. I took a shower and brushed my teeth. My mouth felt so dry, I went to the kitchen to make me some ice water.
Jax was in the rocking chair holding Thomas. I stared at them for a long time. These moments were so precious to me. When I saw the feared outlaw be a normal loving man.
Thomas was hungry and began to cry. "I'll make him a bottle."
"I got it." Jax took off toward the kitchen and so did I.
"I've missed a lot of the boy's life. Do you think they will ever forgive me? Especially, Abel." If there was ever a time I sensed Jax being true with his feelings, now was it.
"I think they love you, Jax. All they want is for you to show them you love them back and pay them a little attention. You still have time to turn this all around if you really want to."
"What about you? Do I still got time to turn shit around with you, Tara?"
SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA
Jax swore on our children's lives he had nothing to do with any of it. With all my being, I wanted to believe him and still believe in him. The club turned up nothing about who did it though. Even my car went totally missing without a trace from the face of the earth.
The club put someone with me at all times to make sure I was safe along with the boys when Jax wasn't around. He wouldn't be back from his club run until Sunday. He actually offered to stay at home with me. But, I declined the offer. Maybe some space would be good for the both of us.
Jax was getting his stuff ready to go. We hadn't spoken much since the other night. I felt as though I were walking on egg shells whenever he came home anymore. I never knew the term prisoner in your own home and heart until now.
For the most part, I tried to keep everything on a normal scale and not vary much on my day. But I found the energy had just been sucked out of me.
I went in to make a cup of tea. When I felt Jax take a hold of my hand. "I don't know how to fix whatever this is between us. But I want to. I've always loved you. I know you don't believe me sometimes cause of how I am. You're the only woman I can honestly say I ever had real love for. I'll be back Sunday and I'll call you when I get there." He gave me a hug and a long kiss on my forehead. Then he was gone.
From the kitchen window, I watched Jax ride away. The warm sunshine was coming in on my skin. Children were playing and laughing while running around. Families outside enjoying the day together. But on the inside I felt no warmth, my children had nothing to laugh about and we certainly were far from being a normal family.
"Mommy?" Abel had to say it a few times to get my attention.
"What, baby?"
"Can we go see George today?" Every day Abel asked this question and every day I avoid it with another excuse.
"Not today, baby."
"Why?"
"I have a lot to do."
"Then, can we go tomorrow?"
"I think it might be time for us to go get you a puppy of your very own. I start back at the hospital on Monday and I will have time now. Would you like that?"
"No. I'll just wait until I can see George. Can I have a cookie?"
"Sure, baby." If all thing were so easily solved with milk and cookies. I was simply putting off the inevitable by not telling Abel the truth. I cursed myself for it. But when I looked at his sweet little face, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
While I watched Abel eat, I didn't want our relationship to end up like Jax and Gemma's. I didn't want it to be like with my father or mother's. So, I had to make a choice of what to do.
My cell was on the couch and I picked it up as though it had just rung. "Hello. Oh, hi Kyle. Oh no. I haven't seen him. No, if I see George I will call you. Good bye."
"Where's George, Mommy?"
"George got out of the store somehow and is gone." Of course it was wrong to blatantly lie to my son. But the truth would have only made him feel worse and crushed him. Stringing him along wasn't going to happen any longer and I should have already addressed the issue.
Abel said nothing as he got up from the table. "Baby, do you want the rest of your milk and cookies?" When he didn't respond, I went to look for him.
At the coffee table Abel was drawing a picture of a dog on piece of paper. "What are doing, baby?"
"Making a picture of George. So we can find him. I got two dollars Grandma gave me. We can pay to get him back, Mommy. I know we can find him because he misses us."
"Oh shit." What the hell was I thinking? I only escalated the problem by lying. This was a small one that got out of control. It was no wonder why Jax and Gemma were so fucked up as many lies as they tell.
"Abel, you do understand we may never find George, right?"
"I know. But if he finds a good home where they love him as much as I do. It will be okay." As a mother, these are the moments you live for. Abel put his own little feelings aside and thought of George. At his age he knew what was really important. Why couldn't adults do the same?
"Someday, you are going to grow up to become a good man. That's a very mature approach, thinking of George first."
"It's what you do Mommy, think of me and Tommy first. Since George is a baby, I just want him to be okay and have someone who loves him too."
"I always will, baby. You know what, I think I still have the picture on my phone with you and George. Let's see what we can do with it."
Abel set on my lap while we downloaded the picture to the computer. I printed out several copies of it. One he wanted hung on his wall for him to see George every day.
The others we would put up around town. It was Abel's way to do everything in his power to find George. While giving him closure of it at the same time.
"You need to take a nap, Abel. Then we will have some lunch when you get up."
"Okay. Can we go see Kyle when I wake up?"
"Not today, baby." It was another issue I had to address with Abel and soon. But not now. He dealt with enough already. "Sweet dreams."
Once I got Abel down for his nap. I checked on Thomas, he was still out. I wander around the house aimlessly. With my boys asleep, it was so quiet.
Phil knocked on the door to see if he could use the bathroom. It wasn't that much of a detail for them to watch us. I spent the last three days locked inside the house. Only associating with my children and Jax on the occasion. It was a full blown depression for me.
Other than doing something with or for the boys, I didn't get off the couch much. It was almost noon already. I was still in my pajamas and hadn't even combed my hair yet.
"Would like something to eat and drink, Phil?"
"Please, Ma'am." He was so polite. Judging by his size, he should be mean and intimidating. But he was nothing of the sort. He reminded me of another large, kind and sweet man.
When my cell rang, I excused myself. "Make sure you clean up your mess when you're done."
"Yes, Ma'am."
It was Nero. He and Gemma called me daily. They only made small talk to avoid dealing with the elephant in the room. We all knew they were checking to make sure nothing miraculously happened to me and I just disappeared from the face of the earth.
Every time my phone went off, I thought maybe he was returning my calls or texts. But I got nothing from Kyle. He wrote me off like just like the rest of the world did. As I passed by the kitchen table I ran my hand over the cover of the book he gave me. Since the boys were taking a nap, I decided it was time for me to set down and read it finally.
"To my darling Kyle. Some day you will change the world with your knowledge, wisdom and kindness, love Mom." It was written on the inside cover. I couldn't believe he gave it to me being from his mother.
"In the Norse mythology, Odin is a widely revered god. He is associated with; healing, loyalty, the gallows, knowledge, battle, sorcery, poetry, making crows his spies and frenzy. Wedded the goddess, Frigg. Odin held a particular place as the ancestral figure among various other Germanic people. It was said, he fathered so many children, they couldn't keep track of them all."
Once I got to the last part, I could relate. Who knew for certain how many children Jax really fathered? So, I flipped through the book until I stumbled upon something that seemed so familiar to me.
"I fly upon the blackest wings. I soar through the darkest night sky. I answer no call but of my own. I alone forge my reality. For I am the crow. The child of Odin."
It baffled me the more I thought about it. It wasn't coming to me where I read it before. "Tara, you have company." Phil stopped my thought process quickly.
"What are you doing here?"
"Can you give me a minute?" Wayne had something he wanted to tell me in private obviously.
"Sure, want a cup of coffee?"
"Yeah, coffee's good." He seemed really nervous for some reason.
"So, what's going on, Wayne?"
"It wasn't Jax or the club that busted up Kyle's shop. Hadley got a copy of the video from the bank."
"Who was it?"
"You're not gonna like the answer any better." Wayne handed me the black and white photos. Along with the vehicle registration.
"Oh, shit."
"I went by the clubhouse and Jax wasn't there."
"He's on a run until Sunday. I'm going to need your help, Wayne."
"Help to do what?"
Wayne wasn't particularly fond of my answers either. He didn't feel it was safe for me to go off on my own. I wasn't sure it was safe for me to stay put here either. The first thing I had to do was get away from Phil. Or they all would know what I was doing.
Wayne would cover for me by telling Phil, I didn't feel well and went to lay down for a while. He was staying to watch the boys for me. After I coerced Wayne, he gave up his truck keys.
A long sigh came from me when I slipped out the bedroom window. "A lot of protection you guys are. They could come in and kill me in my sleep without anyone ever knowing it."
Then it occurred to me. I tossed my cell phone in the bushes under the window. "You won't be tracking me today, Jax." That problem I would rectify the first chance I got.
When I made it down the street to Wayne's truck, I figured I got away with it and Phil didn't know. Because if he did, Jax would be the first call he made.
Nero was going to stay at the Lodge until the end of the month then make his decision where to go. More than likely he would move in with Gemma. They would become husband and wife in just a week.
The lodge was completely empty when I pulled up. It kind of made me sad to see it end. As hard as I worked to put together a thriving business, it was gone in a matter of a day.
Inside nothing was left expect the day couch and the bar. "Tara, what are you doing here?" Nero made me jump when he came up behind me.
"I have to find Kyle. Do you know where he is?"
"I don't know where he is. He came by a couple of days ago and left this for you.
"What is it?"
"I don't know." Nero shrugged as he handed me an envelope.
"Damn it, Nero. Where is Kyle? If he told anyone it's you."
"He just said he needed to put some distance from here. I wouldn't worry too much about him. Did he ever tell you what he did on the military?"
"Not exactly."
"Kyle was a sharp shooter. He can take care of himself, Tara."
"If he does anything to the club, they will kill him."
"He knows that already. To him it's a war, one I'm afraid he won't win. Do you know what the difference is between Jax and Kyle? Jax thinks he is untouchable and bullet proof. Where Kyle, knows he isn't and can be taken out but doesn't give a shit." Nero's analyses of them was really spot on from what I could tell.
"I don't think the club had anything to do with his shop getting trashed or killing George. I have to talk to Kyle before he goes off and does something stupid. Please, just tell me where he is."
"I can't because I don't know. Maybe his sister could help you out though."
Nicole's house I was bound. I made a stop at the hospital to get her last known address and prayed she still lived there. What would I say to her? Did she know anything that went on already? None of it mattered, I had to find Kyle.
She seemed surprised to find me at her door. "Hey, Tara. Kyle isn't here."
"Do you know where he is, Nicole? It's really important I find him."
"He needs some time to get his head straight. I heard from him a couple of days ago."
"I am afraid he is going to get hurt. Please, just tell me where he is."
"Come in. I am just fixing some lunch."
The entry way had a table full of pictures on it. One with Kyle holding a baby. "Is this Cody?"
"It's Kyle's son, Zac. He came home on leave and it's the only time he ever got to hold his son. By the time he got out, she was gone."
"Hasn't he even tried to see his son?"
"Zac has no idea who Kyle is or that he even exists. He doesn't want to tear Zac's life a part. He is a happy and healthy little boy who believes another man is his real father. Kyle found them once. He went as far as going up to the door. But he couldn't go through with it. She calls here, when she needs money because being associated with the military. They move around a lot. Kyle never fails to send it while it rips his heart out. I've seen him give her thousands of dollars at a time and do without for the sake of his son. It is what parents do. Don't think she doesn't take advantage of it either. I guess a lot of it stems from our childhood."
"Did you have a bad childhood or something?"
"We're really not brother and sister, by blood anyway. Didn't Kyle tell you?"
"No, he didn't. I thought you really were."
"Well, we are in every other sense. My dad married his mom when we were young. She was a wonderful woman. She always took care of me and treated me like she was my real mom. After she died my dad did the best he could with us. Since Kyle's father didn't want anything to do with him, he stayed with us. My dad was a drill sergeant in the Marines and he treated us accordingly. We were his little soldiers instead of children. A government issued nanny raised us when he did his tours of duty and was out on maneuvers. Which, was the majority of our childhood. The only person I had growing up was Kyle. Now that my dad has passed, I only have him and Cody left."
Nicole and I talked about a lot of things instead of what I actually came for. So, I decided to put it out there. "If Kyle retaliates against Jax or the club. They will hurt him. If you know where he is, you need to tell me. I got a letter from Kyle. I'm very worried what he will do. It wasn't them, they didn't do it."
"Jax is your husband right?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever seen the symbols tattooed on Kyle's abdomen? Cody's dad wore the same ones proudly on his arm."
"No."
"They mean Semper Fi. To always be faithful and always be loyal. Their brotherhood bond never made much sense to me. I get the whole we fight beside each other and trust the other with our lives part. But they would die for the others on and off the battlefield. It is a tight niched group, that never allows anyone inside of their circle. I was with Cody's dad since I was teenager and he never let me on the inside of it. Nor really ever trusted me. I know he loved me and was faithful to me. But Kyle, is a lot of the same way. He is a very loyal and faithful man. When he loves, he does it furiously. I never found him to love many and he trusts, even fewer. The only reason I am telling you this is because you seem to have brought him back to life again. Since he truly does trust you, Tara. I will tell you where I think he went to. He didn't say for sure."
"Where do you think he went to?"
"Kyle went home. It's where he always goes when he gets fucked up." Nicole gave me the address of his old house. It would be a three-hour drive if I hauled ass all the way here.
It took me forever to find the place. I thought I was going out to the middle of nowhere by the time I arrived at it. No one had been here for a while, you could tell. The grass needed mowed, the flower bed only had weeds growing in them now. It looked as though a loving family once occupied this nice home. Now, it was just an empty, ran down house that meant nothing to anybody except him.
The door was open and the screen door was unlocked. "Kyle." After I said his name a couple of times, I let myself in. I heard the shower running so I knew he was here.
By the front door laid a couple of large duffle bags, a large gun with a stand, a pile of camo fatigues and his dog tags thrown on top of them.
There wasn't much furniture inside. Only a couch, coffee table and television. On the table was a sketch book along with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Kyle drew a lot. It seemed to be his way of expressing himself. I took a seat on the couch and browsed through it. The crow drawings made me smile for some strange silly reason. Then I came to one I wasn't expecting. It was me standing in front of a large picture window. The sun was shining in; with Thomas in my arms and Abel standing at my side. The relaxed happy smile I wore on my face was an unknown reality to me anymore.
"Break and enter much?"
"The door wasn't locked so technically I just entered. Oh shit." When I looked up he was standing in front of me dripping wet and naked.
"Sorry, I wasn't expecting guests. But I do notice you're not looking away." When he said it, I looked off in the other direction.
"Well, I am a doctor. Besides, I've seen bigger." As the words escaped my lips. I cursed at myself for sounding like a naïve little school girl.
"No you haven't." Kyle was cocky as ever. It relieved me in some ways. He took his sketch book out of my hands and disappeared from the room.
"Nicole told you where I was, didn't she?" At least he had clothes on this time when he came back.
"Don't be mad at her. I came here to tell you, Jax didn't have anything to do with it. I…"
"I don't want to hear about Jax, Tara. If it's the only reason you came here. You can leave."
"Anything you do to Jax. Hurts me and my boys. I'm begging you don't relate against him or the club. If you try to kill him. They will kill you, Kyle without even thinking about it. They actually didn't trash your…"
"Kill him, I don't want to kill Jax. I want to hurt him. If I wanted him dead, I would have smoked his ass already. In the still of the night I would have picked him off and he would have never seen it coming. With no evidence left behind to prove I was the one who did it. Just like a ghost, in and out without a trace. I spent years learning how to do it with perfection. I don't know about you but, I need a fucking drink."
It wasn't just one drink though. Kyle guzzled down almost a quarter of the bottle of whisky before he offered to pass it to me. I only shook my head no. You could tell he was going down a bad road.
"You can talk to me, Kyle. I tell you everything and trust you won't pass judgement on me. You can do the same with me, you know."
The internal struggles he had were similar to my own. The loathing of what your actual worth to anyone around you was recognizable by me as well. The way he felt growing up without a mother and dreamed life could have been different for him if she just had been there. Then we came a touchy subject for both of us.
"Abel is my son. But not my biological child. I love him as much as Thomas. I couldn't stand the thought of Wendy coming back in Abel's life."
"I won't ever hurt Zac by trying to butt my way into his life. I'm not his father. The man who spends every day with him, taught him how to ride his bike, shows him love and he loves back is his father. I'm just a sperm donor and he got caught in the middle of it." The pain he spoke with; I couldn't help erase. I could tell he was lingering in those tortuous thoughts.
So I changed the subject. "I finally read the book you gave me."
"What did you think?"
"I really didn't get to read much of it. I didn't understand much of it either. There was something about flying with the blackest wings, it all I can remember of it. But I swear I've read that somewhere before."
"It's similar to John Teller's manuscript. Read page two hundred."
"How do you remember it?"
"How do you remember which body parts to operate on? I was my old man's biggest disappointment. With my size he wanted me to be a star athlete. I was better with words than I ever was with a football. You should read the ending of it, it's the best part."
"What's the ending?"
"Odin and his brother shared the fair goddess, Frigg, between them. Once the crows didn't come to Odin anymore and tell him the enemy's secrets. His realm fell down around him. They stoned him and he became an outcast of a society that was built for him. The crows warned him, his love for Frigg would be his short fall and she would have a hand in his death. Frigg and his brother killed Odin."
"If this is such a popular story, why haven't I ever heard about it before?"
"Odin has one hundred and seventy different names recorded throughout time which he is known by. All of them being a god of some sort. There is only one mythical tale and Odin is the only name ever acknowledged for it. A wyrm serpent came crawling but it destroyed no one. When Odin took nine twigs of glory. Then struck the adder so that it flew into nine separate pieces. The poison and evil could not survive without soldering the nine together."
Every number Kyle mentioned pertaining to Odin, was nine. The crows only come to special ones. By the time I made all the comparisons of them, I couldn't breathe. "Jesus Christ." My air supply felt cut off. The woozy feeling was coming back again. My head swam in the words he said.
"Tara, what's wrong?"
"It's getting late and I have to go. I know you don't want to talk about this. But the real reason I came here was I got your letter. The club had nothing to do with your shop. The ones who did it, used you to get to me. I know you have no real reason to believe what I am saying. But it's the truth. I'm asking until we figure it all out, don't do anything stupid. Put aside your rage and hate for Jax because I need you. I don't how deep the betrayal runs. I don't really have anyone else in my life I can trust and I know I can you."
Kyle only looked at me but refused to answer one way or the other.
"I need you, Kyle. I know you will do the right thing and be there tomorrow. So you can help me find out what is really going on." I threw the copies down on the table Wayne gave me.
"How can you be so sure I will be there, girl?"
"Because you are a loyal, faithful, loving and caring man who always tries to do the right thing. Until I met you, I didn't know they still existed in this world. Any other time, I would have run away already from all this shit, you give me strength to see it through. I have hope now in people again. I trust you and I never completely trust anyone, not even my own decisions. Don't take that away from me. Be there tomorrow, Kyle."
"Tara." When Kyle called my name I stopped in my tracks but refused to turn around so he could see my tears. "If you ever need a place to run to with the boys. So no one knows where you are and you feel safe, I keep an extra key in the frog on the porch." I only nodded before getting in the truck to leave.
Home was the direction I started off in. But where I ended up, was in a totally different place. I sighed and surrendered to the fact, this was where I needed to be at.
The walk to get to him was as long as in the dreams I've had. I plopped down in front of him and tried to get my thoughts together. For thirty minutes, I did nothing but pick a circle of grass around me.
"I know what Gemma and Clay did to you and I know why now. The crows coming around made you conflicted and everyone thought you lost your mind. When all you wanted to do is the right thing. I'm still trying to figure what the right thing is. I'm not sure how to save Jax anymore. Or if he even can be saved. But you can damn well bet, my boys will be spared and saved from this chaos."
Most would think, I lost my mind. Sitting in front of a tombstone trying to have a conversation with someone I never as much as met before. They would lock me up for a psych evaluation if I told them I thought he came back as crow. Or worse, I would get the same fate John did for it.
The longer I talked to him; the more I wept. For my sons who would never escape this life because of who their father was. My husband; I couldn't completely trust him anymore or wasn't sure if he was ever faithful to me. The one who I dragged in this mess with me, Kyle. Even for Gemma, who just wanted to repair her relationship with Jax but, he wouldn't hear of it. Then, it came to John; death wouldn't even put enough distance from this place for him to rest.
"You're the only one for me Tara. You always have been. I promise, if you stay with me, we will find the place you belong in all of this. I gotta go, I got club business to handle. I promise, little man, we will fly your kite tomorrow night. I promise, I won't be gone long. Abel helped me shop today. He knew your favorite flower, I didn't, I'm sorry. I promise, I'll be home for dinner tonight. Go home and stay away from Kyle. I promise, I'm getting outta the club and we're leaving Charming. Do what you're told. I love you, Tara; do you still love me? I don't know how to fix what's going on between us. But I want to."
"It's a lot of baggage for a little boy to carry around. Where is your sense of adventure, girl? I'm surprised Jax hasn't cut you off from me yet. He will, it's coming. I only asked you out for coffee. I wait until the second time I see a woman before I ask her to my bed. Is it why you live in fear and are always so guarded? Why don't you guys come play with me and Cody. Give mom a break. I'm trying to protect you."
"John was a complicated man. I walk a fine line around here. If I piss you off; you could hold the boys over my head. If I piss Jackson off; I lose everything. It's how it all started with Clay. You need to put some distance between you and lover boy. Don't be like John and hate your life. You only get one. I see the way you look at Jackson now, the same way I looked at John. It's not about cheating on him, it's about the hate you have growing for him in your heart. You go out there and strut your shit like you own. Or you crawl home and tell Jax you were wrong. He will own you then."
"I did a lot of bad shit over the years to protect Clay and the club. Because I got sucked in. Don't let them suck you in too, Tara. You're better than that."
From the sounds coming above me, I knew he was with me. I squinted as I looked up for him. He was right; they were free and beautiful creatures. The white faced crow had his wings fully expanded. Flying in a complete circle around me in the sky. I waited for him to land but he never did. When he disappeared from my sight, I got up to follow.
I kept using my hand to shield my eyes to find him. Where it landed somehow didn't surprise me at all; Donna Winston; loving mother and devoted wife.
The two times I followed the path of the crows. They always led me to the same place, my tombstone. I died before my sons were ever raised. My babies were left motherless and to fend for themselves in this shitty life.
The white faced crow called loudly before it took flight. "The crow calls to awaken your true soul. To remind you to follow your heart."
"You're right, it's time for a change."
I hope you enjoyed reading me! I should have the next chapter out in a few days; Something New, Something Borrowed and Something True Blue.
As most of you know, I love reader interaction. I also love the PM's I get from you all after each chapter. From one of the readers; "There is no way to fix this in just one chapter." You bet ya!
Take a guess at how many times in this chapter we discussed always faithful/always loyal or the lack there of in variations. In thirty-seven different ways between them all.
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