Chapter 13, John the Revelator
PART 1 of 5
With 40,000 words it is too long to post as one chapter. I don't even know how in the hell it got to be so long to be honest. It is split in five parts, chapters 13-17.
I told you if you all liked the long chapter and let me know you are still with me I'd keep doing it. So my lovelies, let me know again and this is the way we will do it to the end of the story.
John the Revelator; communication of knowledge to man by a divine or supernatural agency. The conflicts between good and evil.
The most important sentence of all those words; "For what you break, you shall become broken from." So I want you to remember while you read it and the huge circle it really evolves around in. But mostly how the cycle of it continues on from the past, present and future. You may not get it until the end but you will.
A/N: Kyle actually does play a role in the story. Other than being all fine, adorable and stuff. Now, I know some of you are really pissed off at the fact he hangs out with Tara. Some absolutely love him. While others could careless one way or the other. When you read this a few will go WTF? Ah... but just wait for it.
The whole Ima thing in the last chapter was my own self-indulgence because I thought Tara should have kicked her ass. If you haven't read elbeewoods; 'What Should Have Been Said.' She really did say it the best between Jax and Tara. The girl is a rock star!
If you stop and think about it. I am telling you many different peoples love stories through Tara. Love isn't always patient nor kind. It can raise you up in the clouds or it can take you to hell and back. But if it's a true love and really meant to be. It will be a love that can last through anything.
This is Tara's story to be told and from her perspective of it all. Of course she doesn't see things in the manner Jax or the SOA does. If I were writing Jackson, it would be a whole different kind of story. The goal of it is to save her from the same fate she received in the show. When Donna finally surrendered to Opie's life style and the club ways. She died shortly after it. Really the same fate Tara got when she surrendered to Jax and went along with it.
A special thank you to Jess for all the inspiration you give and how fun you make it. She turned me on to the song; Georgia by Phoebe Brightner . A girl is singing to the mother of the man she loves. It's so Gemma, Jax and Tara. I included a little of it in a conversation between Gemma and Tara. BIG SMOOCHES DOLL!
With all that being said…
From the floor where the three of us were still laying. I crawled to make it to the trash can. But I didn't get there in time before it came up on the carpet. The sick feeling from the pit of stomach made me even weaker in so many ways.
It was her eyes, they followed me where ever I moved to around the room. Her lifeless cold eyes. I scooted my butt on the floor until I hit the wall and could move no farther.
"Tara." Gemma kept saying my name continuously.
"I'm going to get sick again." When I tried to get up I slid back down to the floor.
It took both Gemma and Nero to get me up on my feet. They helped me to the bathroom. I don't even know how long I set in the stall for actually.
Once the nausea subsided, the crying started. Was she someone I cared about? No, she wasn't. Did I actually want her dead before now and wish her so? Yes, I did. Did I have the right to take a life? No, I didn't. I killed someone. I ended a life. I was now officially a killer too.
The cold from the tile floor felt good on my face. I curled up in a ball like a child unsure of the punishment or fate I would receive in return from what I've done.
"Tara." Gemma kept saying my name but I couldn't answer her.
"So what now, Gemma?" Nero was in the room too; I could hear him but I couldn't see him. There wasn't much I could see closing in on me either before it all happened.
"We can't take her home like this. She can't even form a damn sentence. If she talks, we all go down for it. I'll think of something."
They talked around me like I didn't even exist to them. I stared up at the light above me for so long white was the only color in my vision. Her dead face with opened wide cold lifeless eyes was the only thing on my mind.
"You need to try to do something with Tara. You're the only one she seems to listen to lately."
"Tara, come on. Sit up." When I wouldn't do it on my own. Kyle made me sit up his way. "Look at me. You had nothing to do with tonight. You don't know shit about what happened here."
He finally took my face in his hands so I had no choice but to look at him. "Say it. Say you had nothing to do with what happened here and you don't know shit about it." All I could do was cry harder. Because I had everything to do with tonight and could probably never forget about it.
"We need to get Tara outta here and get the mess in there cleaned up. We gotta lot of shit to figure out and fast. If they find out Collette is dead or missing even, it's gonna rain down a bunch of shit on us. Fuck, we still don't know what she has told them yet about us, Jax or the club. They could have enough information on all of us already and not even need her anymore."
Now Gemma was crying right along with me from what Nero said. "I'm sorry. I'm okay." He was consoling her and if she thought she needed to be sorry what little emotions she showed. What the hell should I be for totally all fucked up?
"I'll never let this blow back on you, Gemma. I'd do time for it before I let you." Even fucked up though. I could see the love Nero has for her come through. Just like always. "Is anyone up at the cabin?"
"It's too risky to go there. The club could just show up at any time. The combination of the four of us together and the dead cunt. Isn't exactly something we can explain to Jax. We need to go somewhere he doesn't know about until we figure shit out and get Tara back with us." Gemma was truly amazing and always together. Even in the middle of a crises she could still think shit through. Most of the time anymore I couldn't do it when things were okay in my world.
"I've got somewhere. My other house."
"I thought you were gonna sell it and get your ex old lady to sign off on it. We don't need a bunch of traffic coming in outta the place we're at. Especially until we figure out what the fuck to do with Collette."
"I gave the money to Tara I was going to use to settle with her for signing the house over to me. So it doesn't matter, Nero. It's out in the country. Nobody knows where it is and there aren't any neighbors around for a couple of miles."
They decided everything before I realized what it actually meant. "No, I'm not leaving Abel and Thomas. I won't."
"Do you really want them to see you this way? Abel is old enough to pick up on when something is wrong with you, Tara. What are you going to tell Jax is wrong? Don't you think he is going to know? I didn't pull the trigger but I am just as knee deep in this shit now by covering it up for you. I need you to trust me. Until you can pull yourself together and we figure out what the fuck we gotta do. It will only be for a couple of days. I need you to go along with this, okay?" I nodded in agreement with Kyle. I would never want my children to witness my breakdown. Or to ever know what I've done.
Gemma and I left. They stayed behind to take care of the problem we all had shared now. When she called Jax, I freaked.
"Hey, baby. It's mom. We're thinking about going to a car show this weekend. You know how Nero loves his old cars. I thought I would ask Tara if she wants to come along. There is some medical seminar near there she might enjoy. I wouldn't do anything without asking you first, Jackson. Oh, I think it would do her a world of good to get away for a few days. You know to rejuvenate and get past some old dead issues she's got going on. I do think it will help her get past a lot of shit she's going through right now. We are leaving tonight. Ninta will watch the boys for you, I'll work it out with her. We'll stay in touch with you while we're gone. Don't worry Nero will be with us the entire time, we will be fine. You don't have to spare anyone from the club to watch over her. No, I haven't seen him. Kyle said something about some military shit he was doing this weekend. Well, a mother does know best. You're welcome, stay safe, sweetheart. Remember how much I love you, son."
"If Jax finds out the truth. He might cut my heart out for doing this." It was more of statement Gemma made when she hung up the phone.
We didn't say another word to each other. I leaned my head against the window and took another ride down unclear path I've never been on before. It probably was for the best Kyle gave her direction because I couldn't have honestly found my way this time. This time, I was at a complete loss of everything in my life.
"Tara, where is the key?" Gemma even shook me. "Where is it?"
"I…I don't remember."
"Shit." Gemma picked up her cell to find out. As soon as she picked up the frog from the wrap around porch in the front of the house, I should have known that.
"It's a nice house. But there isn't anything here. We are gonna need to get a few things." She rummaged around in her purse until she found a scrap piece of paper and a pen. "I'm going to make a supply run. You stay here…"
"No, please, don't leave me here alone." I'd beg her if it was what it took.
"Yeah, okay. But you will wait in the car until I am done shopping."
She was gone for a couple of hours when she came out of the store. I knew because I sat and stared at the clock on the dash while it ticked each minute away. As I sorted through each regret, every mistake I made and all the time I wasted in my life with each tick that passed by.
"Do you want to get something to eat before we go back, Tara?" I only shook my head no. "Let's at least get something to drink in you so you don't get dehydrated."
A fucking liquor store is where Gemma chose to stop at. She came back with several bottles of booze and a bottled water for me.
Her phone rang on the way back to the house. They were there waiting on us to get back. We weren't far from it anyway.
"What did they do with her body?"
"I don't know and it's best we don't know." It was the jaded shit of Gemma. Ignore it and it didn't ever happen. It's when I see her in Jax the most too; when he ignored what he didn't want to deal with at the time. Only I know it did take place and I couldn't pretend to just blow it off.
By the time she parked the car, the water was ready to come back up. I basically came out through the door to my knees on the grass.
Everything was happening in slow motion around me. They packed in all the stuff Gemma bought. While I sat on the couch and watched them act as though it were just another normal day. Either I was the one crazy or they all were.
They put me in an empty bedroom with just an air mattress on the floor. Along with a blanket and pillow. There was only one bed so Nero and Gemma took it.
Gemma tossed a t-shirt and pair of shorts on the mattress for me to change in to. Hell, I must have totally missed when she even packed up a bag for me. I felt like the room once she left me, completely empty on the inside with no one around.
Through the window a shadow of tree limbs danced around on the wall when the wind blew in the night. I watched it for a long time. With each gust they moved in a different way against each other. It was never the same manner or pattern. The leaves seemed to move differently as well even though they were just an extension swaying in the breeze.
When I did finally manage to fall asleep I woke up gasping for breath. In my dream or nightmare blood was dripping from the walls around me. They moved inward to the center of the room until they squeezed me up in tiny square with no place left to go. Shattering screams were still echoing in mind and I was now completely wide awake.
The tone of a melody playing the broken cord was coming from a distance. But I could still hear it. The different pitches were mingled together and it was hard to determine which ones were dominating.
Or I was pretty sure I wasn't dreaming anymore. I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders. It was completely dark inside the house and quiet. Since it wasn't a familiar place to me I had to feel my way around without the lights on. Occasional with the flash of lighting through the windows it lit up the path I needed to take. They were all sleeping when I went outside so I tried to not to wake them.
A storm was brewing as the thunder got louder the closer it came. The storm had already started in my life too. From the back deck I watched the wind chimes twist and twirl around. Each played a different tune while they did. Pieces from them would shine as the lighting struck in the dark sky. They were actually kind of pretty.
The rain drops fell lightly at first. I closed my eyes while they hit my face. It felt refreshing to me. It helped cleanse the dirty feeling I had. The blood stains I carried now I wasn't sure anything could ever completely wash them away. Where it came down at a steadier rate now; it become a gusher quickly. The drops turned to a pounding sting when it hit my skin. But the sear in my heart was more dominate than any other pain I could feel or felt before.
"What the fuck are you doing out here?"
He made me go inside through a sliding door in the kitchen off the deck. The floor was wet where I stood because I was drenched. When the air conditioning kicked on I stood and shook from the chill it gave me.
"Here." Kyle was just wet as I was. He went and got us towels to dry off with. He never shivered like I did and all he had on was a pair of shorts.
We both sopped up the water from the floor. The blanket was wet and I threw it in the sink until morning. I would take care of it then.
"What were you doing outside, Tara?"
"I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing at all anymore. It's like I woke up one day as another person and it all happened so fast before I even knew it. Now when I shut eyes all I see is her face and the hell I'm bound to go to for what I did. I'm scared we will get caught. I'm more scared we will get away with it. If we do, what is the next thing I will progress to become because of it? What effects will I carry over to Thomas and Abel of what I've done? They already pay enough for who their parents are."
"You did what you had to do to survive. Would you rather it went the other way? Your kids left without their mother? You need to think of it as the outcome spared the right person instead of letting the wrong one live. I know it's a hard thing to get past. But you are strong and you will get there. It's your conscience dealing with the guilt you have. Sending your mind into a mode of shock. It takes you to place you've never been because it's fear consuming you of what you haven't experienced before."
When I thought about my children being motherless and facing this world alone. I broke down. Not because of what I did tonight. But because I knew the kind of life they would eventually endure. Just like Ellie and Kenny. Just like myself growing up without a mother.
If Jax hooked up with another woman if I passed away. It wouldn't be his first priority to make sure she was the type of woman who would care for our boys. Not only would they be without me, how would he care for them? He doesn't do much for them now and I'm still here.
"Let's get you back to bed. You need to stay out of the damn rain and get some sleep. We'll figure it out tomorrow." When I went to crawl back on the air mattress, Kyle stopped me. "You need dry clothes on. Can you do it or do you want me to wake up Gemma to help you change?"
"I'm sorry. I know I'm the weak one who everyone always has to take care of. But I can change my clothes myself. I'm not a child."
"No you're not a child. You just need some help. I don't actually see how you keep doing what you have been for so long. I'd worry more about you, Tara. If you didn't feel the way you do about it all. When you feel no remorse or guilt is when you have shut out life all together. Try to get some sleep."
Panic took over when he went to go. "Please, don't leave me in here alone." I clutched on to his arm. "Please." When he took my hand off him, I felt as though I had no one left to turn to now. The reality of the walls closing in on me were coming back to me once again. I would be in here alone with all the same lonely feelings. Reliving them from my childhood to present day.
"It's not a good idea if I stay in here with you, Tara. I'm just in the living room if you need me."
After I changed my clothes, I tried to lay down. I tried to be strong, I tried to get past it and I tried to not to think about it. In the corner of the room I set on the floor for over an hour. Rocking myself like I did my children as my mother never did for me. I even brought my knees to my chest while I rocked but it didn't help me feel any more secure. The same security I made sure my boys felt every day while I held them.
There wasn't anywhere in the house left for me to go but the living room because I wandered around looking for a spot. No chairs to crash in even. I covered up on the floor with my blanket. I put my hands under my face for a pillow.
You couldn't mistake Kyle's long sigh even in the dark. Or the fact he threw back the covers off him. "Get in here."
The couch was on the small side for the both of us to fit on it well. But he moved over as much as he could to make room for me. I felt like I was about to fall off the edge. I had been walking the on the edge of the ledge in life without even realizing the fall I was taking from it.
The sobs made my body shake, fear made my emotions go haywire. My tears had soaked his chest all ready. I must have clung to him tightly for one too many times when I broke down lately. He shifted his body as far away from me as the back of the couch would allow him to. But when he finally caved and held me. I completely let it all out and fell apart. Until no more tears came and I didn't have any more emotions left to show. I felt complete frazzled from it.
When I moved my leg to get comfortable. I must have invaded his space because he was quick to grab a hold of it and push it down lower. "If you're going to stay with me, lay still and go to sleep."
But sleep didn't come for me. The only noise in the room was the light breaths he took in and let out. "Are you asleep?" I tried to say it softly so if he was I wouldn't wake him.
"No." His response was even softer than mine.
"I'm sorry I'm so needy and it's fell on you lately."
"Close your eyes." His hand rubbed my back until I must have relaxed enough to finally go out. However, it didn't last long.
"Tara. Tara." His whispers in my ear woke me up. But I wasn't ready to open my eyes and deal with another day of it yet. "You need to get up. Nero and Gemma will be up soon, it's almost morning. Come on, get up and go back to your room before Gemma sees you out here with me." When I got up he stretched out his body on the couch to go back to sleep. It was barley daylight which meant I only slept for two or three hours at best.
Like I've seen my son do so many times when I made Abel go to bed and he didn't want to. I drug my blanket behind me on the floor down the hallway in protest. I hated to tell Kyle; Gemma would probably give me a medal if she I thought I threw caution to the wind and fucked him. She could give a shit less about me just lying on the couch with him.
Wide awake I laid there and still couldn't go back to sleep. With all the jumbled up mess playing over in my head. The sun came up at some point and I didn't care if it did or not.
Gemma came in and pushed the curtains open wide. My eyes were so swollen up tight from crying all night, the bright light hurt them. I covered up my head with the blanket to make the hurt go away. But she wouldn't leave me the fuck alone as she pulled the blanket off me.
"Hey, how are you feeling? Let's get you up and in the shower. I am fixing breakfast."
Gemma was either mothering me or felt the need to be on suicide watch or something. She started the water and made me get out of bed. I stripped down in front of her and didn't even care she hadn't left the room yet. I never liked getting completely naked with anyone around.
In the tub I sat with the water running over me. Until my skin was wrinkled up from it. I washed up and got out to see what this damn day would bring my way.
"Eggs and Tequila for breakfast?"
"Well, I am Mexican." Nero stated the obvious first thing this morning.
"Dude seriously, you are? I never noticed." While the other half of the comedy act held his shot glass up for another refill.
"How can you guys eat at a time like this?"
"How can you not eat, girl?"
"Tara, do you want some coffee or something to eat?" Gemma was meandering around the kitchen. I could see she was making herself right home. By making it what she wanted it to be. I would say she was nesting almost but she's too old for it.
"I don't think I can keep anything down yet."
The phone on the small kitchen table vibrated across it. Jax's name appeared on the screen. "Is this your phone, Gemma?" I was sure it wasn't. Nero's was a flip style and let's face it, he wouldn't call Kyle.
"No, it's Collette's phone."
Jax sent her a text and I picked it up to read it. When Gemma took it out of my hands. "Jax just texted her to see if she had any of the club's money together yet." In her back pocket the phone went.
"What are you guys hiding from me? What is it you don't want me to know about."
"We're not hiding anything from you, mama. We kept her phone so we could keep tabs on who calls her. That's all." Nero gave his explanation. Gemma wouldn't say anything.
So I looked to Kyle. He just shrugged. "I don't know anything."
"Fuck this." I put my sunglasses on and went outside to the back deck. I should have known by the way Collette said Jax ran to her. What was going on between them. I have no reason to expect any other type of behavior from him.
The sun was bright out after the storm passed. Maybe it would shine as brightly in my world someday. I laid down on the deck and let the warmth of it touch my skin.
"Are you the unlucky one they elected to come out here and take care of me today?" When I saw Kyle come out the door. I assumed Gemma pushed him out of it to find out if I was good or not.
"What makes you think I didn't volunteer to be the one, girl?"
"You promised me, you would tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts me. Do you know if Jax was with Collette?"
"I have no idea."
"You watched the place all the time with Nero. Did Jax spend a lot time there with her?"
"It really doesn't mean…."
"Just tell me, Kyle. Stop skirting around it."
"Jax was there several time. Sometimes for a few minutes. Other times for hours. I have no idea what he did. That's the truth. But it doesn't mean just because he was there he had sex with Collette."
"Is it some guy code to stick together?" It came out snappier than I actually meant for it to.
"No, it's not a guy thing. It's I slept with his wife on the couch last night and all we did was sleep code. We spend a lot of time together and don't do anything. So until you know for sure he did it, stop going there. Because all you will do is just drive yourself crazy and it won't change it now even if he did anyway."
"I'm already crazy. So what's the difference?"
"Which is it that's really tearing you apart, Tara? What you did to Collette? Or what you think Jax did to Collette?"
"Both."
"What's it going to take to snap you out of this bullshit?"
"It's my problem. You don't have to worry about it."
"Actually I do have to worry about it, Tara. It became my problem when I got involved. How you handle what happened with you and Collette affects me too. What you do about Jax and his dick wandering, is on you. You need to think about what will happen to all of us now because of it. I am trying to help you but unless you let me in to do so, I can't. I understand what you are going through, I really do. We're grownups. We suck it up and deal with shit the best way we can. The clock is ticking fast until you have to go back to Charming and handle your business. You're a strong woman I've watched do some very incredible things lately. You just lost your way of how to get back there again. Because I believe in you and I know you can do it. The problem is you don't believe in yourself."
"Maybe I just don't know how to anymore."
Kyle finally gave up trying to rationalize shit out with me. I had tuned him out already while I stared at the wind chimes.
"Those things fascinate the hell out of you don't they, Tara?"
"Sort of." I actually watched them until I felt one side of my face get extremely hot. I laid out in the sun a little too long.
Inside the house there wasn't a sole around. I found the need to find a way to rationalize everything I had done and still have left to do on my own this time. Not only that but to confess all my sins. I searched around through the drawers for some paper and a pen. Most them were as empty on the inside as I felt.
The closets were all the same way. Only with some linens, towels and clothes stacked up in them. In the bedroom night stand there were several pictures. Kyle with a pretty blonde which I would assume it was his wife and some of her with a baby. A small box with a wedding ring in it and finally a notebook to write in. I got Gemma's pen and I was all set.
To my sons; Abel and Thomas. How I lost my way.
There is no person I have ever shared the real me with for many reasons. Fear of vulnerability and being hurt always stops me. Something has always stopped me from doing so many things in life. The only time I can honestly say I've been consistently happy and been certain of my place or what I needed to do is with you boys. The joy you have brought me being your mother is nothing I can compare it to in my life.
By the time I am done writing this you will be the only ones who know about the real me as a person, woman and mother. Because everything I do, will do and have done is for you. A mother's love never withers; it endures all heartbreaks. I've been with you since your births, always worrying about your tomorrow. I will there by your sides until I take my last breath on this earth. Even then, I will still be with you in your hearts when you need me.
There are many things I've done I'm not proud of. But I will never pass judgement on you as my sons for what you do. Only be there to love you and pick up when you fall. I hope I will get the same kind of forgiveness from you. You will know all my dreams that have passed me by now because at my age they only have a shy chance at coming true. The accomplishments I have done and the failures too. All the mistakes I've made and I want you to learn from them.
Finding things that make you happy shouldn't be so hard. I know you'll face pain, suffering and a lot of hard choices. But you can't let the weight of it choke the joy out of your life. It's all I've done to myself my whole life. No matter what, you have to find the things that love you. Run to them and never stray from their path. Your family, your friends, the satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that will keep you whole. Those are the things you hold onto when you're broken. I'm trying to hold them together because I have never been so broken before as I am right now.
Sometimes my life feels like a deadly balancing act. What I feel, slamming up against what I should do. Impulsive reactions racing to solutions miles ahead of my brain. In that kind of life, I have no future. All I have is distraction, remorse and regrets. It doesn't have to be that way for you, my sons….
For hours I wrote while I moved around in the yard with them as they were cleaning it up. But I still was more focused on what I was doing than on them. They didn't need me to be a part of their circle anyway. They were all comfortable with each other. Laughed as though it was a fun vacation we were on.
Gemma had shorts on which I never seen her in a pair before. She was definitely cute with her tank top and hair in a ponytail. Her nick name should be chameleon as well as she blended to her surroundings. She was out there with them, she worked as hard as they did too.
"Tara, aren't you hot? It's hundred out here today. There are shorts inside if you want them."
"Capri pants are about as brave as I get. But thanks, Gemma."
It was the most interaction we had for the day. Although I'll admit I enjoyed watching Nero and Kyle play basketball against each other.
"You think you can take me on?"
"Bring it on old man."
You would have thought putting the silly ball through the hoop actually meant something as hard as they played against each other to win. When it came down to the final point, Kyle lost.
"When the old cock crows, the young dick can learn something from it."
"What the hell does that even mean, Nero?" I felt Kyle's pain. Gemma was always saying off the wall stuff to me I didn't get or remotely understood.
After they finished their game I went back to what I was doing. One page at a time I was putting the pieces of my life in perspective. Letting it out where it actually mattered; to me and my sons.
The sun began to set by the time my hand cramped enough to stop writing. I looked around and hell they were all gone. But they weren't hard to find though. As much noise as they were making.
"Why don't you come in with us, Tara?" Gemma was having fun splashing around with them. I wouldn't be much fun and didn't feel like it. She wasn't shy about being in her shorts and bra around them either.
"I'll just watch." I sat down on the dock. I took my flip flops off and dangled my feet over the side. The water actually felt pretty good.
"Go with us. We're going over to the other side to see the fireworks later. Please." Mostly I found him adorable. But I found nothing happy today or anything adorable about life anymore. Not even him with his puppy dog eyes he gave me to get his way when he swam up to the dock.
"You guys ago ahead. I'll probably just go to bed."
"Do you know how to swim?"
"I can swim. I just don't…." By then I come up out of the water spitting it out of my mouth. The little shit pulled me off the dock in with them.
"Since you're wet already you might as well come with us now."
It wasn't too far away. I hadn't swum for years. The last time I remembered was in Chicago for pool party one of the other doctors had.
"Where did you get that tattoo? I never noticed it before." Kyle flipped up the back of my tank top when we got on land.
"I got it when I was seventeen with Jax."
"A biker chick even back in your youth."
"Not really. We got in some trouble and I was headed for bigger problems if I stay in Charming. So I left. Only to come right back here and find myself in a deeper mess of shit with more issues than I ever imagined possible. I sure as hell never thought I'd commit murder."
"It was self-defense. Collette put you in the position of kill or be killed. There is a huge difference between murder and self-defense. But I'm still unclear to what happened. Gemma said she came back and Collette was there. She's not even sure which one of you actually did it. It's pretty much all she could tell us."
"If it was self-defense then we should of called the cops and this would be all over."
"How exactly would you explain it all, Tara? The federal informant who has been notating mine and my husband's illegal actives attacked me for no good reason and I shot her to shut her up so she can't testify against us. All the information she gave you already about the brothel and on the club is bullshit. Or it's my word against all the evidence she already collected, just ask her. I'm not dumb. I don't know all the shit the club is involved in but I can guess. What Nero does is minor compared to them."
"Collette went there to kill me. She needed me to be out of the way so she could get to Jax. I wasn't the only one she planned on doing in. She was going to kill you too my handsome lover. Or so she thought we are."
Kyle sort of laughed. "Yeah, I get that a lot too. But how did Collette know anything about me and you? I only met her once. There is no way she did."
"My assumption is Jax. Collette told me he runs to her a lot and she consoles him. I know his favorite way to be consoled too. I guess I always figured it went past the crow eaters just sucking his dick. Because to them, it's not a form of cheating and its perfectly normal." Once it came out. I caught myself. Those feelings needed to be tucked away until I figured out what I had to do. My ill feelings would be just worked out on paper for now. "Who in the hell knows what all he told her. There is someone else helping her. She didn't put the bomb in my car. They did."
The fireworks started and it was a break from my talking about it too. As they burst up high in the air the cascade of colors they cast on the water was pretty. I found it better than the fireworks themselves.
Gemma and Nero were laying on the ground together holding on to each other while they watched. There was no one else around in their world but them. You couldn't help but leech off their happiness to some degree. But I guess unless you experienced where they were in life with each other, you never knew it really existed anyway or expected it.
"Do you feel like we are intruding on their moment?"
"Oh, yeah. I feel like it a lot when I'm around them. I'll race you back."
"That's a little childish don't you think?"
"Sure it is. Do you got anything else better to do? You will feel better if get some of your energy out. I'll even give you a head start." Kyle waded out in the water and waited for me to join him. "Unless you already know I'll win. It's alright, I don't want to show you up being a girl and all."
"You, cocky little shit." Of course I lost to him. I wasn't used to it. Of course he gave me a hard time about it too.
"Do you feel better though, Tara?"
"I guess. I'm still not sure I can sleep."
We laid on the floor and watched television. I wrote in my notebook while he drew in his sketch book. Until Nero and Gemma finally made it back a few hours later. From their giggly eyes they were making at each other it wasn't hard to tell what they had been doing.
We said our good nights. I wanted to put more down on paper before I went to sleep. It became therapeutic to write. Not only did it occupy my time but my mind from wandering off. I laid for hours filling in the pages and my soul. Until you put it all down from the start to the finish you don't realize all the shit you forget about or were really scared of.
By the time I closed my eyes I was too exhausted to think. Only it probably would have been better if I stayed awake and kept writing.
Crows were flying up high in the sky almost in a perfect circle and formation. When they switched directions they moved as one again, completely harmonized.
There was nothing but sand as far as I could see. It burnt my feet as I stepped on it. But the burning sensation was nothing compared to the fiery explosion I witnessed around me. It all went up in flames and so did I. They were with me to take me home with them. So my soul could finally rest. I screamed I wasn't ready. I begged them to give me more time with my children.
"Tara, stop screaming." Kyle's hands on my shoulders felt real. But I had to look around to make sure it didn't really happen.
"Is she alright?" Gemma was here with him too.
"She will be."
"Do you got this or do you want me to handle it?"
"I got it." After he answered Gemma she left the room. "Get up so we can burn off some of your energy."
"It's two in the morning what is there to do?"
"Would you rather go back to sleep Tara and have another nightmare?"
"No." Anything but witness what I just did again. When the crows came to me before in my sleep, they came to me eventually with the same dream when I was awake. Then the dream became a reality. Would this one become real too? Was it all leading up to my death?
"Now what?" I plopped down on the couch and wait to see what fun event this fucked up shit would bring next.
"We stay busy until we wear you out so you can sleep." Kyle tossed me an empty laundry basket. "It's not going to fill itself up. Get moving."
It was insane at this time of the morning to think about doing laundry. He was right though, he had to be done either way. Since there wasn't a washer or dryer we went to a laundry mat of all things. After we stopped at the gas station to get a bunch of quarters and other junk.
The inside of it felt like a sauna. I was huffing for a breath to take in. We went and sat on the tailgate with the goodies we bought.
"I bet you wow the ladies with this kind of action. Sitting out front of a laundry mat eating a gas station hot dog and chips you bought them."
"You know it." He grabbed something else out of the plastic bag. "I bought you Skittles too. I should get extra brownie points for those."
However, when I watched him eat them. It was strange. "What the hell are you doing?"
"I separate them by color, then eat them."
"That's anal. You are supposed to eat them by the handful all mixed together." I even showed him by what I ate out of my hand.
"Says who?"
"Me."
"Maybe you're the one who is missing out, Tara. Just try it. Be a rebel and do something that isn't what someone else tells you to do and the manner to do it in."
It was the way I've lived my life. By others rules and standards of living. When I thought about it, I'd never even really acted like a kid even when I was one.
"I bet you even have a life date planner all mapped out the way it should be, don't you, Tara?"
"No I don't." Then I had to be honest with him. "Maybe a little. I think if we were somewhere else in another town. Life would be somewhat better for us and I wouldn't feel the need to write out a calendar of expectations."
"I've been somewhere else, Tara. It's pretty much all the same shit. I don't usually hang around anywhere this long."
"Are you thinking of leaving again, Kyle?"
"I think about leaving. Just long enough for you to change my mind about it."
Kyle ignored my request for an explanation of what he meant. But man he kept me up on the move doing absolutely nothing of importance. We walked Walmart and bought nothing, then walked miles more around the property when we got back. Until I thought I could pass out. Which I did as soon as my head hit the pillow.
A few hour nap, it did make me feel better. Once I was so worn out not only did my body rest but finally my mind did as well. It wasn't until I got awake I thought of all the bad shit still out in front of me.
They were all out on the deck. I grabbed a cup of coffee. I hadn't had any and actually felt like one this morning. According to the clock on the stove, make it this afternoon I was up.
"Tara, I need to talk to you, mama. Are you up to it?"
"Okay."
This was the first time we discussed Collette since it happened. Nero tried to be as gentle about the situation as he could be. I just thought the plan we had before was hard to pull off but, this one. I wasn't sure I could step up to do it or could be convincing enough.
"We are resurrecting Collette from the dead. Using you, Tara. I'm working it out with Marcus. Until we can get on the inside to find the intel we need, you gotta be a part of it. Jax will be at our meeting too. Are you good with all this? We need to know you can handle it and do it. Especially with Jax. All of our asses are on the line with this shit."
"I don't have choice but to do it. How is all this going to work out, Nero?" I looked more at Kyle than the others. There was no way in hell Jax would go along with anything he thought involved Kyle.
"Jax is down to no money and no more options. He will do what it takes to save the club. Kyle knows his role to be played out here. He is more to keep Jax busy and out of the way of what we're doing. The goal is for all of us to stay outta prison and save everyone's ass in the end. Shit head can do it if you step up too. It's totally believable, Tara. Grand opening night I stay with you and Kyle will stay with Gemma at ours. Then we pull the switch. It's only for a couple of days until we deal with Charlie too. He's just as guilty as Collette is in all of this. After it's all over, I set Jax down and tell him some of the truth. Then it's back to business as usual."
"What if Jax doesn't go along with it?"
"He will. The club is in some serious trouble, Tara. Jackson is down to do it or it's over. He knows what needs to be done." With Gemma's input I knew how serious it had become for all of us. Including Jax and the club. If it destroyed the club would it completely destroy Jax along with me too? Or any existing chance there was of our survival?
"Can you make the connection with them all today, Kyle?"
"They are home on leave for a while. They always call me when they come back to hang out. But I never usually do with them. All they need to know is I need a favor from them and nothing else that we've done or about to do."
"Are you gonna handle this okay, Kyle? If it's too much for you. We can look for a different solution. The more distractions from me and Tara we have the better while we handle our shit."
"I'll be fine." When the cocky little smile crossed Kyle's face, lord help us all. "Besides, I can't wait to see the look on the bikers faces when they come for the grand opening to an all-male stud show instead of pussy. Most of the guys are bigger than I am. They can handle their business."
Gemma pulled down her sunglasses just a touch on her face so her eyes could be seen when she looked at Kyle. "Just where are they bigger at, sweetheart?"
"Not there, Gemma."
John the Revelator, Chapter 14, PART 2, Chapter 15, PART 3, Chapter 16, PART 4 and Chapter 17, PART 5 has already been posted for you! Forward on my lovelies to read the rest of it.
BTW...We have a brand new SOA author among us today. Alice1290; Lost Until You Found Me. It's under my favorites on my profile page.
It is a Juice story I am all excited about. I'm a prereader for her and give her all the love I can to continue on with the story. Give it a read and send her some love while you're there!