John the Revalator
Chapter 16, PART 4 of 5
Most of them were outside when we got to TM. Jax was sitting on the table smoking. He never took his eyes off me after I got out of the car. I couldn't stand to look at him in his.
Although the time came when I could no longer avoid him or the fact I had to face him now. I walked my green mile up to where he sat. I still avoid his glare as much as possible. "I was at…"
"I don't know where you were, Tara. But I do know who you were with." Jax looked me up and down with disgust. "I can guess the rest. Just patch Juice up before I lose my patients with you."
Juice's life depended on me keeping my shit together. I was certain the issue wouldn't go away anytime soon between me and Jax. So, I tried to get everything together I needed.
So many times I've been in this clubhouse removing bullets, and now I was sweating them too. When I cut Juice's shirt away from his body, I seen his tattoos. The bullet hit near one of them.
"Just breath."
When I looked up Jax was standing in the doorway staring at me smoking a cigarette. It made me more nervous than anything else. My hands were shaking so badly as I went to give Juice a local shot.
"I'm going to be sick." I went and found a trashcan quickly.
"I'll help you, doc."
The kind of help I needed, wasn't the kind Chibs could give me but I was grateful he was here beside me. When my hands started shaking he would try to compensate for me.
Finally, I dug the damn slug out and didn't let Juice bleed to death while I did it. It was a win, win for both of us tonight. But I had to step out and get some air because I felt like I could pass out.
Gemma was laid out on the picnic table smoking a joint when I went outside. "How's Juice?"
"He will live."
"And you, sweetheart? Will you live through it?"
"What am I supposed to do now, Gemma?"
"Play it out the best you can. Jackson will get past it and forgive you."
"Do you know that for sure? Jax knows who I was with tonight and I haven't even told him yet."
"Jax has no choice but to forgive you. Just like I always did with John and Clay. I'm going home to Nero now where I belong. It's time for the new queen to step up and earn her spot."
"Yeah, I'll be all over that. Is this one of those things. If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger?"
"What doesn't usually kill me, only pisses me off." With that Gemma twisted her ass to the car. She got the luxury now of leaving this place behind her and going home to the man she loves.
"Do you want some company, doll?" Gemma no more than left when they came out to the picnic table too.
"I'm not sure how good of company I'll be. But you can join me if you want to Tig."
"Jax is going through some shit right now. He does love you. It's killing him at the thought you might not love him anymore. He'd expect this from Wendy or a crow eater. But not you, Tara. You'll always be the sweet girl he fell in love with all those years ago and his rock he can lean on. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or say Jax doesn't deserve some of the treatment he gets from you. We're hard men to hold on to by any woman. We're even harder men to love once you know who we really are. It almost takes an outlaw woman to keep us in line and remind us sometimes we are just like every other man. I think you are that strong woman Jax needs sometimes to remind him."
"Thanks, Tig."
"Anytime, doc." Tig never talked to me much in the past. Only a few words spoken here and there. He even gave me a kiss on the forehead before he walked away.
A true woman of an outlaw would not be hiding outside away from her problems. So, I wouldn't either. I knocked on the door to his office before I went in. Jax was sitting on the couch with his arm propped up resting his head against it.
"Is it okay, if I sit down?"
"Yeah. How's Juice?"
"I got the slug out and the shards from it. I don't think he will have any permanent damage. But he needs to be watched closely the next twenty-four hours for infection."
Jax put his hand on mine. "Will you do that for me?"
"Sure. I can call Ninta and see if she can stay with the boys tonight. I'll stay here with Juice."
"I sent Bobby and Happy to get the boys already. They should be back soon. I know they miss you when you're gone from them." He gave a slight smile after he said it.
"Jax, there is something I have to tell you…"
"No, please don't." He squeezed my hand tighter in his. "Just sit here with me." We sat quietly together for the first time in a long time.
Chibs came through the door holding up a cell phone. "Jackie it's for you."
"Not now bro."
Jax never stopped club business for anything and I do mean anything. He was so calm and spoke so softly with his words. His hand didn't move from mine until Abel came through the door with Happy holding Thomas.
"Mommy."
"There's my babies."
Abel was the first one I hugged for dear life. Jax took Thomas, held him for a minute then kissed him. Jax gave him to without a hesitation.
It relieved me actually Jax didn't try to keep them away from me. Next he picked up Abel and did the same with him.
"I'm going to put them bed."
Jax brought Abel behind me to the room. I got them laid down finally. Jax only watched and never said a word. He gave me a kiss on the cheek before he disappeared again.
Thomas laid next to me in the middle of the bed. While I held on to Abel's leg. It wasn't as though I could really sleep anyway. But it startled the hell out of me when I felt a hand on my face.
"I didn't mean to wake you up. I'll go." Jax was sitting on the side of the bed. I didn't feel it when he sat down.
"Jax."
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too, Tara."
There wasn't much of any type of conversation between me and Jax for the next couple of days. We purposely moved around each other gently. I watched over Juice like I said I would. He was already back up and ready to fight again.
Most of the time I spent with Gemma when she was here. The rest of the time, I actually enjoyed Tig's company. For the most part, we really didn't talk a lot. But just sort of hung out with each other.
The club left early this morning for something. They were all quiet with what the plan was. I tried to be of some help to Gemma since there wasn't anything else to do. I filed her paperwork, swept the floors and she kept me busy with other random stuff that needed to be done.
"Oh shit." Gemma was out the door of the office before I even knew what was going on. When I got up to look out the window, I was out the door quickly too.
"Where is he?"
"I don't know where Jackson is."
"I'm not playing, Gemma. Where the fuck is he?" Something bad had to of happened for Kyle to scream at Gemma the way he did.
"They left earlier. Honestly, Kyle, I don't know where he is.
"Then I'll be back." Kyle slammed the door shut on his truck and he was fuming.
He didn't end up having to come back to find Jax. Because they rode in past him before he made it out the gate.
"I had an interesting chat with your ex old lady and Zac. I made her a deal she couldn't refuse. It's sucks when somebody fucks with your family doesn't it?"
There was a lot of screaming between them. Then it turned physical. I went to at least try to break it up. Gemma grabbed me by the arm. She didn't speak a word only shook her head no.
"They will hurt each other, Gemma."
"They need to feel that pain. Let's go inside now." She was so casual about it all. Just shut the door and don't watch. Pretend like it just didn't happen. The same way she does everything else.
Only once again, I know it did happen. The damage was done and it was because of me. Jax wouldn't tell me what he actual did. Other than he warned me he would protect his family, his way and I didn't listen. The other one, he wouldn't pick up the phone to tell me either.
It wasn't like I didn't have enough shit already in my life and around me going on. I caused even more for all those lives I touched. So, I figured I had to do something, even if it was wrong.
After a couple of days, I caught him at his tattoo shop working. He had a customer he doing one for. I waited at the counter to not disturb him. Let's face it, I had already done enough to him.
"What do you want, Tara?" He never stopped working on the guy in the chair. Or maybe he just didn't want to see my face.
"I came to say I'm sorry. I don't even know all of what Jax did. But you don't deserve any of this."
Kyle let out a long sigh before he stopped, turned around to look at me.
"Jesus Christ. The gash on your cheek probably needs stiches."
"Well, I did want to fuck his wife. So I figured I had some of it coming to me. I don't care about my face, it's my kid. That scar won't ever heal."
"It's my fault. I…"
"I don't blame you, Tara. I should have known better because I let you get to me. I threw all the rules I've lived by out when it came to you. I knew it would fuck me over letting someone get close to me. But you made me believe maybe it was actually possible. There is always a price to be paid for trusting and I've paid for it now. I gave up everything I got to protect my kid. Just to turn around and hurt him with all this. The one person I'd never do anything to. I can't come back from that shit."
"Maybe you can talk to Zac and explain everything to him."
"I tried already. It was a two-minute phone call at best. Long enough for Zac to tell me he never wants to see and how much he hates me for abandoning him for my new family in Charming. Tell me what goddamn family I got here, Tara? The one Jax told him I have? I made my son feel the way I felt. My father didn't want me over his other family. It's not even true what told Jax told him. I'd give anything to spend the time with my son Jax just pisses away with his. Imagine if it were Abel or Thomas telling you how much they hate you. I'm busy and you need to go."
"Can't your ex-wife tell Zac the truth?"
"This is my favorite part of the fucked mess I got myself in. Jax gave that bitch my ten thousand dollars to go along with what he said. He used my money against me. Now, I am completely broke and probably stuck with the house forever. I'll have to keep paying for it because until I come up with the money again, she'll never sign off on it."
The more I tried to apologize the less Kyle listened to what I had to say. "Can we at least talk after you get done here?"
"Come on man, she pouring her heart out to you. At least listen to what she's got to say." The customer commented on our conversation but it really wasn't one Kyle liked.
"Did I ask for your fucking opinion?"
Once the guy raised his head out of the chair, then I recognized him. "Hey, Tara."
"Hey, Boomer."
"You know you care about her…"
"Head down, mouth shut." Kyle shoved his head back to the chair. Then he went and opened the door for me to leave.
"If I weren't married, Kyle…"
"To many goddamn ifs in that sentence, Tara. Go home and do whatever it is you actually do with Jax. Everybody wants the violent and mean mother fucker I can be back; well, now I am. If he comes out me again, I will fuck him up no mercy this time. And that, is a promise because I will not let you interfere with the way I handle it anymore."
"When you calm down later. Maybe we can meet and talk this through."
"No we can't meet later. I've got a date and moving on with life. You need to do the same." The door slammed loudly as soon as I hit the sidewalk.
Shortly after that my world fell completely apart. They always say honesty was the best policy. Those mother fuckers were idiots who said it. I came clean on everything with Jax. It was supposed to be a cleansing of my soul to get right with myself.
There were only a few minor details I left out to Jax. I told him how it all started with the crows. All the things I kept from him. The time I spent Kyle and even the kisses we shared between us. How I manipulated people for the Lodge to get my way to earn the kind of money we did. Confession of how I lied to protect him, the club, our family and myself. Basically, I turned into the female version of Jax. I was no longer just living among the chaos and mayhem, I was a part of it. With one simple act I committed at a time.
There were only two people I protected in secret; Nero and Gemma. I didn't nark them out because they never did me. I took the blunt end of the blame on everything.
"Do you really expect me to believe a crow told you to do all this shit? That JT came back from the grave? Jesus Christ, Tara. How stupid do you think I am?"
"I'm telling you the truth, Jax."
"That fucker has got you all twisted up inside until he's brainwashed you. Are strung out on drugs or what? Because if you truly believe any of this shit, we need to get you some help."
"I can prove it to you."
For hours we set out at John's grave and nothing. Absolutely not a fucking thing happened. Not one single crow came in sight around us. Jax was even more convinced I lost my mind and maybe I actually had. He helped me to the car as I cried all the way home.
But my crying times didn't stop there nor did my heart bleeding out on the inside. Every time I held Thomas and he cried, I cried right along with him. I cried at sad commercials. I cried because we were out of milk even.
"I'm afraid to leave Tara alone with the boys. Will you stay with them, Gemma just until I can get something figured out?"
"Sure, baby. I'm here."
It got so bad I was no longer trusted with my children alone. I thought having a constant babysitter was a horrible experience. But, nothing was worse than a mother who was considered harmful to her own children.
Since Jax and Gemma didn't include me in their conversation like all of them anymore. I went to get the mail. Surely they wouldn't think I could hurt myself doing it. But hell, I was wrong once again.
The white faced crow landed in my yard. "You, traitorous son of a bitch." I threw each piece of mail at him I had in my hand and missed. Then picked up rocks to hurl at him.
It was the final straw for Jax. He and Gemma witnessed my anger I displayed towards the crow from the porch. He picked me up from the ground where I had thrown my fit and carried me to bed.
"You gotta get some help, Tara. I love you and we'll figure it out. Gemma is here with the boys so stay in bed and get some rest." Jax kissed my forehead before he left.
Rest wouldn't come to me though. I hadn't slept more than a few hours in days. It was due to my body finally giving out enough to pass out from the shit world I was a part of.
The last time I passed by a mirror; I was a real mess too. The dark circles under my eyes only complimented the blood shot red they showed. Even my cheeks looked sunken in from all the weight I lost.
Gemma was in the kitchen cleaning off the table from breakfast for the boys.
"You could have told Jax the truth about the crows, Gemma. Then he wouldn't think I'm crazy."
"Which truth is it you would like for me to share with, Jackson? Because I can drown him in truth, Tara. I warned you to stop chasing dead men and crows. You're the one who wouldn't listen to me. Now, pull your shit together and get back to taking care of your family. I know my son. He has reached his tolerance level with it. If you don't make shit right soon, this will end very badly."
"Is this the same shit John went through before he died too? Was it how everyone treated him?"
"John became delusional about life. He lost the will to live because he let guilt chew him up on the inside. At the end, he was just a shell of a person without a sign of life left in him. I honestly didn't even recognize the strong man I once loved and adored. Nor did anyone else. After we lost Thomas, the grief made John loose his mind."
"John wasn't crazy or delusional, Gemma. And neither am I. I'm just pissed off." I slammed my bedroom door shut. But the reality was, I had shut more than just the door in life to keep things out.
The same four wall I stared at. Now were the metaphorical prison I was captured in with no way out. The one I built up around me because of my actions.
"Fuck my life." I threw myself back on the pile of pillows on the bed and tried to shut my eyes. I could hear Gemma talking to someone, a male voice.
"How's he doing?"
"Not good. I made him get up to eat and at least take a shower. Hey, Tara." Nero noticed me before Gemma did. "Well, I'm going to confession. I'll see ya later."
"Can I go too?" Nero waited to see what Gemma thought first before he would answer me.
"Maybe it will do you some good to get out of the house for a while. I'll stay here with the boys."
Nero waited for me to take a quick shower and get dressed. I combed my hair today, it was an improvement if anyone was counting or even noticed.
It was pretty much silent on the way there between us. It wasn't as if I felt like talking much anyway. The church was huge and really pretty on the outside when we pulled up. The stain glass windows reflected off the sunshine. You could smell some of the different flowers in bloom around it.
"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, Nero." The last time I remembered being in a church. My mother took me with her on a Sunday morning and was completely gone from life by Tuesday.
"You confess your sins inside the private confessional where no one else can hear you but the priest and god. Then they forgive them and you."
"The last time I confessed my sins to Jax. It didn't work out so well for me. I'll sit here and wait for you."
The long wooden pew was centered in front of the large cross on the wall. I pulled at my necklace as I looked at it. I wasn't sure I had anything left to believe in. But I gave it a shot. "Forgive me because I have sinned and it's a very long list…"
Did it make me feel better once I finished? Not really because if you don't have faith in what you're doing, it wasn't important to you to begin with.
Although it did remind me of my mother being here. She dressed herself and me up every Sunday. It was just our time together. After we got home she would cook a large meal in the afternoon. She always listened to the same song while she did it. I quietly sang it to myself.
"I wandered so aimless life filed with sin. I wouldn't let my dear savior in. Then Jesus came like a stranger in the night. Praise the Lord I saw the light." Nero joined me with his hand on mine and we finished it quietly together. "I saw the light; I saw the light. No more darkness, no more night. Now I'm so happy no sorrow in sight. Praise the Lord I saw the light."
Perhaps the light my mother seen wasn't the one in the song. It was the light of life again. The one she couldn't have staying with my father, being my mother. The one by having a family made the light totally go out in her. The tears were coming for a different reason this time.
Nero put his arm around me and I leaned my head over on his shoulder. "I know, mama. It hurts." He wasn't joking about that shit.
"I'm ready to go home."
"Okay."
Only it would have been better to stayed in the church rather than face what was waiting for me in the parking lot.
"What are you doing here?"
"I don't know, ask it." The white faced crow was here. But I didn't remember seeing it when we came in. "It's brought me to you several times the last few days, Tara. I'm seeing it all the time now. When I am awake and what little I do sleep. I set outside your house for almost thirty minutes last night trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. Since I didn't know if I should come up to the door or not, I did nothing and went home. I don't want to cause any more problems for you."
"The feeling is mutual, Kyle. I never meant to cause you a bunch of problems because of me. Are you not sleeping either? You look bad but not as bad as I do. I feel even worse on the inside."
"Are you happy? Nero told me you are working out things with Jax." Nero had been in contact with him at some point. They don't even mention Kyle's name in my presence anymore.
"I'm trying to work it out; do the right thing and put my life back together."
"Take care of yourself, girl." He gave me a kiss on the forehead and that was the last he had to say to me.
My mind must be running on empty because I wasn't thinking clearly. "Hey, wait. You said the crow brought you to me." By then he was driving away. "Fuck, it probably doesn't matter anyway now."
Jax was at home when we got back. It was the middle of the afternoon and he wasn't usually here this early.
"I talked to Margret. She scheduled you some time off and she got you a spot for an evaluation."
"You mean psychiatric evaluation to see how crazy I am."
"Tara, I'm trying to get you some help. It's only for a couple of day. Gemma will stay here with the boys. It's for the best. I do love you and want you to get better."
My bag was already packed and sitting by the door. I just thought I had been down some difficult paths before on my own. This one would make it all better or completely break me beyond recognition.
At the locked doors Jax stood by my side until they buzzed them open. He stayed until I finished all the paper work and it was time for them to take me to my room. I'll give him, he still showed me loyalty after all I had done.
"I love you, Tara. I'll never let you go. Or give up on us."
"I love you too."
"I'll be here tomorrow to see you, I promise." Jax didn't disappear from my sight until I stood in the doorway of my room. I gave him a little wave and a halfhearted smile. He gave me a smile back before I went inside.
The first thing they did was hook me up to feed something intravenously through my veins. "What is this?"
"It will help you sleep."
The nurse wouldn't give up any information to me. So I got up from the bed and looked for myself. I grabbed my chart too. The medication regiment for me was an upper to start the morning, a downer to slow the other in the afternoon and one to knock my ass out at night. This was no more than a way to keep me quiet, dazed, confused and asleep.
"I want to see the doctor on staff."
"They have already left for the day. The doctor will make his rounds in the morning. You can speak to him then."
"Then page his ass because I'm not taking this medication. I'm a doctor too and I know what it does to you. It controls your brain and what you can and can't process anymore."
"Sure you are." She was just pacifying me by the tone in her voice.
"I'm not crazy. I am a doctor."
For sure she was when she came back in with an orderly and shot me up with something. Every muscle in my body was in a relaxed state. I could still see and hear what was going on. But I couldn't move at all.
It changed too with the more medication I was given. I could hear monitors going off. Sometimes people would make noise while moving in the room. The only comfort I had was a warm hand I felt in mine. They rubbed small little soft circles around on top of it with what felt like a thumb. I was certain I wasn't dreaming. Every time I could get myself out of the groggy state, there was never anyone around me.
Unfortunately, I couldn't get awake enough when I had another nightmare to bring myself out of it either. This was the same reoccurring one I had when the crows came to take me home with them and it ended in a fiery explosion of my death. Only this time, I felt the hand holding mine again, they were with me through it. There was also a soft touch to my face a few times when I felt my body jerking involuntary on the bed.
A loud bang finally brought me out of the sweaty nightmare. My gown felt soaked and stuck to my skin. A nurse was in here changing me like a child.
"Was somebody here?" It was all I could manage to get out and make sense.
"Your husband just left. He comes in two or three times a day and sits with you."
That was the last day they had me heavily medicated. I understood why once I was put in with the other resident patients. Most of them had no reality left in them. Or were so badly damaged from what they were going through, they looked as bad as I did. It was to force my mind in a relaxation mode. They said I had no dreams or nightmares while I was out. But they were wrong because I still did. My body actually felt rested for the first time in weeks. So, I guess it did do something for me.
The next wonderful event they scheduled was an appointment with the psychiatric. It didn't go any better than I expected it to when I told him what was going on.
"I'm not crazy. It really happened."
"Tara, I never once have said you are crazy. But crows cannot speak, they cannot communicate through the dead and they cannot navigate you to different locations."
The doctor diagnosed me as delusions with an acute case of schizophrenia. Which he thought was completely curable with time and medication. He felt I lost touch with reality. The delusional part came because I believed in the crows while creating a world where they fit in. Even more so, I built a world around Kyle with the crows to justify my bad behavior.
The doctor was full of shit because it did happen and it was real. There was still enough of me left inside to know so. But if it got me out of here, I would play along with him.
A large window in the recreational room was where I spent my time. The bars were large that covered it all the way across so you couldn't jump through it and escape. I stared outside most of the day. Wondering what John went through just before they killed him. Did he start to believe he really was crazy too? What condition did they tell him he had? Did he find a moments peace with what he went through? Which sins did he not ever get past he had done? Would he have caved to do what I was doing to save his family?
There were still many sins I had left to repent. I even started a list of them and who I did them too. With nothing but time on my hands and medicated. Now was the time to deal with it.
"All the times you've been around me and you didn't think to mention you're sleeping with my husband. The divorce isn't final yet, Jax is still my husband. Abel is our son. And just where will you be while I'm gone, with Jax? The two women who love Jackson Teller. If you don't see the differences between us, you don't get me at all."
"I'm sorry Wendy. For all things you break, you shall be broken from."
Never had I thought of myself as the possible other woman, until now that was. Their marriage was probably doomed without my interference. But still, did I play a part of their final fate? Or did I become broken myself because of what I did then?
The days changed to nights as I set in front of the window. My chair spun in as many circles as my head and sins did. While I set perfectly still each time it turned to a different side of the wall showing me another thing I did wrong. I went through them all and made sure I mentally noted what got me to where I am today. Today was the day for a new start, a fresh beginning. I was going home.
Jax was so wonderful, attentive and loving. All the things I pushed so hard to get from him before. He gave me freely this time. I got all the allowance he felt I needed, patients about everything and he gave me his understanding.
On everything except one subject, the crows. I had to admit out loud they never truly existed. I made it all up. He let me be the one who packed up any books, notes or drawings I had on it. I threw it all in the trash can. It was now a closed chapter in my life. I had to move on from it.
One would think it was an easy task to do. Since I did admit it. But my heart still told me it was all true. When I got up to make coffee the next morning. It stared me in the face when I opened the lid to the trash can. I took it out of trash before I poured the old grounds in it. I tucked it all in my bag to take with me to the hospital. Where I locked it up in my desk drawer. I referred to it as my drawer of madness to stay locked away.
Old behavior dies hard though. I went right back to not sleeping or eating again and the lonely feelings came back as well. Still having the desire to know what the crow was trying to tell me. But I refrained. I would stay busy, walk it off or sometimes even eat chocolate as a reward of not going back there.
Until one day the boys and I were out and about. The white faced crow made his long absent appearance to me. I slammed on the brakes when he went left and I was going right. "Hold on babies. We're going for a ride."
The bastard took me all over town before he finally landed. When he could have taken me from point A to point B in half the amount of time. I wasn't surprised to see who was there.
But I was surprised by his appearance though. He had lost so much weight his pants literally hung off of him. By his eyes he hadn't slept for days. His dark circles were with the blood shot red color too. With his ball cap turned around backwards on his head he stood with Nicole. I barley even recognized him. He wasn't any longer the way I remembered him or the strong man I once knew.
When I spoke to him, he ignored me. But when Abel did it, Kyle couldn't do it to him. They talked about George until Kyle went to leave.
"Ask your mom if it's okay to leave George so you can play with him. I'll pick him up from Nicole later."
"I'm standing right here. Abel doesn't need to ask me because I hear what you're saying. So don't even pretend like you don't see me."
Abel looked back and forth between us. I forgot what a smart little boy he was for his age and all the shit he has already been put through. "It's okay, baby. You can go play with George."
"I'll take care of George while you're gone, Kyle. I promise."
"I know you will. I'll see you later, buddy." It was the first time Kyle ever hugged Abel and he was the one who initiated it too. I waited until Abel left so I could say what I wanted to.
"How much longer are you going to keep this shit up? You can't even speak to me or look at me anymore. I know it's effecting you the same way it is me. Your eyes give you away too."
"I won't have to do any of this for much longer, Tara. I'm selling everything off and leaving here. So I can get off this fucking ride at crazy town. You know it's better for you this way. Nicole will keep George. Anytime Abel wants to see him, you can work it out with her."
"So, that's it. You're just going to run away from it?"
"I am not running away. I am doing what's best. You need to see it too, Tara. This has to end and you need to agree with me on it." When I refused to do so he continued on. "Then I will do it for you. I'll be the dick and you can blame it all on me. It's my fault I let things go this far with us. I knew it couldn't end anyway but bad and I did it anyway. So from now on. If you call me when you need me, I won't answer it or be there for you this time. It can be another reason for you hate me and feel like I abandoned you just like everyone else has. Because as of today, I am abandoning you. When I see you, I won't even acknowledge your presences anymore. To push away any good thoughts, you might have of the time we spent together. If you even have any. Because you no longer matter to me in my world so why should I in yours. I'll even go as far to be so cruel to you, I'll make you cry right now. If it's what you need from me. So you don't have to feel anything for me anymore."
"Don't push me away, Kyle. Everyone else thinks I'm crazy and I'm not sure they're not right. You're pretty much the only reality I have left because I know it all happened. I can't explain the connection I feel with you or why it's even there. But it is there. You even told me you feel it too."
"I saw what they did to you, Tara. They stuck you in a room and doped you up to the point you didn't even know your own name. Now they are all saying you're crazy. I think you somewhat believe it too. How much longer do you have before Jax gets tired of all this bullshit? If you become too much of a problem for him to handle, he will lock your ass away. Or worse, just like John was to Gemma and you receive his final fate. This is what is best. For me not to be around you anymore and for you not to be around me. Please, don't make me be mean to you. I don't want to but I will. Just agree with me." Kyle took my hand and when I felt his thumb rubbing circles around on top of it, I knew.
"You were there with me. You're the one who set by my bed every day and held my hand. You couldn't stay away from me then and you won't be able to do it now either."
"Obviously you are not hearing what I am saying to you. You were nothing but pussy to me I thought I could get. I never really felt anything for you. I just thought I did. The connection you think we have is no more than what you needed from me at the time to get past it with Jax. Now you need to get past it too. Because I already have and this is over. Jax will be there when you get home so I suggest it's where you go to."
"You're lying. It's not how you really feel."
"I guess you won't ever know for sure. Now will you? I know you, Tara. You can handle anything but doubt. It eats you alive."
"Kyle, how can you say such hurtful things to her?"
"Stay out of it Nicole. This is between me and Tara."
It was finally done and over. It was true, doubts were my worst enemy and along with being abandoned. I've doubted so many things. Pretty much everything in my life at one point or another. Nicole tried to get me to talk to her. I had no more to say. But she did.
"I like you, Tara. I owe you so much for what you did for Cody, you saved his life. It's a debt I can never repay to you actually. But I love my brother. I don't know exactly what all is going on with the two of you and it's none of my business really. I don't pry in Kyle's life and he tells me every little about anything these days. I do know when she left and took everything he had it completely crushed him. But whatever is it between the two of you, goes beyond that. All he does is lay around and drink most of the day away. I don't even know the last time he went to work, got out of the house or even ate for that matter. I called him for three days straight before he would even pick up the phone. I used Cody to coax him out of the house tonight. Because I know Kyle can't ever tell him no."
Nicole's phone kept ringing. She ignored it several times before she answered it. "You, don't tell me what to do, Kyle. I'll talk to whoever I want to." After she hung up on him she gave the sweetest smile. "Brothers, you gotta love them. Because you can't always beat the shit out of them when they are being stupid. Do you know we need, Tara?"
"A tranquiler, booze, weed, a new life?"
"Well, I was thinking more along the lines of ice cream. Let's get the boys and go get some."
John the Revelator, Chapter 17, Part 5 has already been posted. Forward on to keep reading my lovelies.