John the Revelator, Chapter 17

PART 5 of 5

Kyle kept his promise too. Everything he owned had a for sale signs on it. What little I seen him out and about, I was invisible to him. He walked on past me without a word spoken. There was nothing left to say between us, we had said it all. He only looked worse each time I seen him. I wonder if he even felt one once of the weight I did?

So, as with a child. You can only hear something be told to you for so long until you believe it yourself. Or have it demonstrated so many times until it stuck with you. I felt his harsh feeling towards me were a true reality. He didn't ever really care for me at all. The connection I thought we had dwindled away to never was to begin with. Which I became more disconnected from life because of it. If it was even possible.

Other things changed around me as well. Jax and the club had pretty much taken over my part of both brothels. I didn't even fight it nor cared how it got ran either. Nero was pissed off about it. But until I could function as a person, what good was I to him? What good was I to anyone really?

Everything I did, what I fought so hard for. All the progress I made when I was stronger and stood my ground. Just pushed Jax deeper in the club. On the instance of trying to do right, I turned it upside down to all wrong. It made him even more determined he could make it work. Once he was certain I would do it his way, he foraged from my strength to overpower me. I was on this ride on his terms or else. But, I had no one to blame but myself for it. Jax wasn't the who played the game and lost. It was all on me this time.

My home life went to worse than it was before I started this crusade. I had less say in anything than I used to. When I was told what to do by Jax, I just did it without conflict or butting heads with him. I had to do it so I could get along with them all and to still belong to this family as a part of it. He was extremely happy and I was miserable as hell. Again, it was my own fault too.

The biggest change that came through, was the change in me. It all crept up on me over time. But it hit me hard today. I was now just like all of them. I lied to everyone and pretend to be what I really wasn't. To add to it I had kept secrets like Gemma without any remorse and become jaded as she was. Once you kill, you are a killer no matter what suit you have on at the time. Violence coursed through my veins as well like all of theirs. I've committed criminal acts for money and got good enough at it to do them again. All the things I hated in life, I became. Not just became either; but all thing I broke, I was broken from in the most complexioned ways from now.

There was a good part of me still in there somewhere trying to fight its way back to the surface. I just lost my way to it. Or maybe he took it with him when he left. I know he wouldn't let me wallow in self-pity or allow me to give up especially on myself. When everyone else encouraged it along. The obvious abandonment I felt and the traces of it were everywhere. I was so lost without anyone who believed in me. It was apparent everywhere I looked too.

The only truth or reality left was what I wrote down and read daily so I could make sure yesterday truly did happen. But more so to make sure I was still alive today.

When I look up at the stars and can almost reach out to touch them I still believe. The dance we shared under them I hold on to as not a figment of my imagination because I am unsure if it is or not anymore.

On the memory of it, was when my world was right and I knew what I was half ass doing. But I didn't know the way it would all end. Life is better left to chance without knowing your fate or destiny. But what chance is there it would bring this kind of pain for me. I almost welcome the pain I have and flourish on it just to know I am still alive on the inside.

You were actually right. It' never the failures you have or when you make a complete ass out of yourself you end up regretting. It's those times you missed out on and wasted by not trying at all. I don't have much time left to even have a new regret now as I feel my time has expired.

I stepped up too because of all of it and handled my shit. Wasn't I the queen. But as all queens do eventually; they fall to ruins at some point. You caught me when I fell before. If you could do one more thing for me. I promise, I will let you go then.

So, if you could tell me when you feel my heart stop beating because you're the only who'd know. There is a possibility it already has and I don't even know. Tell me when my crying has stopped and I will sob no more. There is the possibility the silence it is just my heart bleeding out and I don't even know. Tell me when you hear me fall without the chance of recovery from it. There is the possibility I already have and I don't even know.

With the last sentence wrote, I closed the book. I needed to get some air. On way out the door to set on the step, Abel came out with me. "Where are you going, Mommy?"

"Mommy is going crazy, baby."

"Can I come too? I miss you taking me and Tommy with you."

The one thing I prided myself on was being a good mother to my boys. It was the only true accomplishment of my life I had left. Abel needed me and I now failed him by not even existing with him anymore in the same house. How was I any better than Jax? I broke down worse than I ever had before. I let my babies down.

Until my son pulled my hair away from my tear stained face and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. "Don't cry Mommy. I'll kiss it and make it feel better." He stuck his little cheek out to me as far as he could. "It's your turn to give me one back. I promise, I will make you giggle this time."

There was a turning point you reached in life when it all went to shit fast. There had to be the same point somewhere to turn it back around too. My sons were mine.

We watch our children progress and get older. All the things they learn to grow. But if you just watched them and never do the same things yourself, you stop growing. You stop moving forward and you stop living beyond that point in your life.

With the new day's dawn, came a brand new me. I would not make the same mistakes John Teller did. I would not continue to live in the same hell he went through either. But most of all, I would not allow them to break me any farther.

The cunning spider had nothing on me now. Gemma taught me too damn well. Because I even had her convinced. I put the pills in my mouth every morning just like a good, kept in line, ill crazed person would as she gave them to me. To hide them under my tongue until I spit them out and put them in my pocket. Later I flushed them down the toilet or threw them away at work.

But there was a price to pay for everything you did in life. I went cold turkey on all of it. I felt like a junkie trying to recover. I finally knew what Wendy's heartbreak was. The jitters, at times I had no control over my mood swings and I would have cold sweats that turned to all night binges of a miserable hell. With a strong woman's determination and the love of a mother's heart, I got past it.

It wasn't only Gemma I had to convince though. The answers were always in front of me as most truly are in life. If I had been smart enough to stop and think it though I would have known what I should have done long before now. The good doctor was on my list next. I researched every aliment, every cure and every downfall of what he diagnosed me with.

"Tara, you have made remarkable progress. Do you feel like we just need to do maintenance visits now and possibly cut back the dosage a bit?"

"Yes, I do."

"You have come to the conclusion on your own crows really can't talk nor ever have. It is the depression causing your sketches of paranoia. If all my patients were this easy to cure. I am going to step out and talk to Jax for a moment to get his feelings on it as well."

Their talk went well. Instead of coming three times a week, I would come once a week to start. Then cut it again if I did well down to every other week and so on.

"We should celebrate, babe."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Let's grab an early lunch. Just me and you before we pick up the boys."

"Sounds great, Jax."

We had never done it before. Actually gone out anywhere to eat together. It was a shamed it took a tragedy of my mind to bring us closer. But beggars couldn't be choosy and I should just be grateful Jax had any patients left with me what so ever.

The true test came as we walked down the street to the diner. Fate always had a way of intervening at the perfect moment or not so much at the time. It was one of those not so much times.

Nicole was helping Kyle load up everything from his shop in Charming. What little this town left him anyway. My eyes stayed forward and I didn't see a damn thing.

"I'm glad to see you finally took my advice. It's past time for you to move on from Charming now. Maybe I won't have to kill you after all."

The tailgate on his truck slammed loudly after we passed by. It wasn't his voice I heard respond to Jax's comment. It was Nicole's. "Kyle, don't." I never turned around to see what was taking place because I didn't want to know. It must have not been too bad. Jax put his arm around me and gave me a kiss as went to have lunch.

It was the nicest time we had lately. The conversation was kept on the light side. Jax even shared some of his thoughts on the future and he included me too in it.

"We need to pick the boys up so I can get back to TM."

"I can do it. I should put sometime in at the hospital. I need to get back into a normal routine."

"Are you sure, babe it's not too soon?"

"I feel great today."

"I'm really proud of you. I'll have Unser come by to make sure you get home okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

Jax gave me a kiss. He rode off in one direction and I drove off in a complete another. We had been doing it so much in life as well. Only the direction I was going in would make life easier or so much harder for the both of us.

Somethings were always better off left alone. Unfortunately, I still couldn't even if I was completely on my own with it now. Once I got to the hospital I unlocked my drawer of madness.

There was only one member of the Original 9 still alive. He was the only person left to talk to. All the information he knew about John was locked away from my reach. So I dialed the only person I thought could send me in a direction I needed to go in.

"Lowen, this is Tara. Is there any way you can get a message to Lenny Janowitz in prison for me? When I went there, he is not allowed any visitors."

"Lenny is on death row without any chance of parole. I have no access to him. I can file an appeal. Which it will be denied and a waste of money. It will take a month to get the paperwork in motion for me to even get a five-minute consultation with him."

"Never mind then. I was just trying to see what he knows about John Teller. No one is really left who will talk about him. I can't even find out when the time frame when he and Gemma got married. Of course she, is no assistance in the matter either. She won't tell me anything else about him."

"You can always go to the archives in the library to find out when they were married. Any of type of public record paperwork is kept there. Back then they weren't actually systems in place to keep track of the information."

"Thanks."

Another dead end of chasing dead men and crows as they all seemed to be. I came to the crossroad in my life. I had to choose to stop this and let myself believe none of it ever really existed. Or to progress forward and put it all on the line.

"Fuck it. They think I'm crazy already. So it doesn't matter now."

Once I went outside to leave, it was waiting for me on the post by my car. I ignored the white faced crow totally. This was one journey he would have to take with me. Not the other way around.

The crow stayed up with me on the way to the library. Maybe I still had someone left in my life who was with me. It might be just my imagination playing tricks on me. But it at least I could honestly say, I wasn't completely alone on this.

It perched itself on the pole with the flag blowing enough the stars were displayed on the red, white and blue. "I'm still holding on to nothing." I shook it off.

"Excuse me, how can I found out what information you have on someone?"

The lady took me in a room off to itself from library. She indicated where to look. Each section had to be search through by dates and names. The books were so large I had a tough time picking them up. She took down some and I took the others. I found the dates of John's arrest records but no detailed information about what it was for. I jotted down as much about it as I could on a piece of paper so I could research it all later.

"I think I have what you are looking for. John Thomas Teller and Gemma Louise Madock applied for a marriage license on August 9, 1975." The lady kept searching through the book on other pages until she found more. "They were wed September 17, 1975."

'Thank you."

"There is an indication on the page there is more information continuing. I just need to find it." What I didn't get before when I searched through the books were the symbols. They each meant something. "Here is the date for when delusion of marriage was filed for them."

"There must be some mistake. They were never divorced."

"It shows John Thomas Teller filed for divorce with the custody of a minor, Jackson Andrew Teller against Gemma Louise Teller."

It was the most shocking piece I've stumbled on so far. John filed for divorce a couple of weeks before he died. Almost to the day even. I wrote down what little it showed along with the dates.

"Is there any way I can see the actual documents?"

"We don't keep any of the old archived records here. I can order them for you at three dollars a page and it takes a couple of weeks to get them." She wrote up the order form and I couldn't get my money out fast enough to pay for it.

On my way out I passed by the Mythology section. Like a child I held out my hand and let it touch the books as I went down the aisle. "You don't want to help me do this. Then, I'll do it on my own as I have all my life."

It took me an hour with a card catalog to find all the books with any reference to Frigg in them and there were several too. I checked them out and went of my merry way.

The crow was nowhere around when I came outside. I had more questions about and for John than I ever had before.

Tightly I held on to my bag with the books in it. I even looked around to see if there were any familiar faces watching me. I uncovered the storage compartment in the back where the spare tire was and stuck the books in there. "Jesus Christ, I am paranoid. You'd think I am hiding drugs or something of value."

On the way back to the hospital all I could think about was John. Everyone thought he was a coward. But he was far from it. He did this shit for a long time before they finally wore him out and put him out of his misery. Now, I just wished I could find something to put me out of mine.

"I will not let them break me the way they did you, John. I need you to stay strong with me and help me see this shit through. You're all I've got left."

Of course, I had to ask myself was the real reason they killed John because he was going to divorce Gemma? She would never have allowed him to take Jax away from her or Charming. I've seen that shit in action. She gave up Clay even to hold on to her young. The vicious spider killed her lover, Clay, to keep Jax going. It only pushed Jax deeper down in hell with the rest of them. So the tangled, deceitful web could live on.

Since I made my choice by taking the next step to continue on, there was no stopping it now. I went to the lecture room at the hospital and got a giant board to use. I pushed it down the hallway and hoped no one asked me what the hell I was doing with it.

But what to use to fit it all together with? I got push pins to hang it up with but found nothing to connect the pieces yet. I went to the lounge and grabbed a coke to drink to take a break. One of the nurses was knitting.

"Can you spare a few pieces of yarn?"

"Do you knit, Tara?"

"Not yet. I am spinning the idea around in my head though."

She gave me a brand new unopened roll of it. Unfortunately, after I put all the stuff up and used the yarn to connect it. I had a tangled up mess going on and still wasn't done. "Damn, I'm going to need a lot more yarn for this."

For hours I arranged and rearranged it over until I lost track of time and Wayne came in. I flipped the board around to face the wall so I didn't have to hear a bunch of bullshit over it from him too.

"Tara, what are you doing?"

"Nothing."

Wayne flipped the board back and looked at the disorganized mess I had going on.

"Please, don't say anything to Jax. He might lock me up for good this time."

Wayne seemed to only have one concern and it wasn't the one I expected at all. "You can't tell Gemma. It will crush her."

"How can Gemma not already know John filed for divorce?"

He turned white and sat down on the couch. "Wayne?"

"She didn't know and you can't tell her because it will tear her apart."

When I questioned Wayne, he refused to answer me about anything. If I did learn one thing from Gemma, it was how to be a strong assertive female with a man.

"Fine, if you're not going to tell me, Wayne. Let's see how much information Gemma can tell me about it." I took out my cell and put it on speaker. "Hi, Gemma. It's Tara. There…"

Wayne interrupted our conversation when it came out of him quietly. "Hang up."

"I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you being there for me and the boys, Gemma. I'll talk to you later."

Everyone held secrets in their lives. Some small and others larger with meaning. But the secret Wayne shared with me was deadly venomous and dangerous for many people.

"Oh my god, you were with Gemma back then too. You're still in love with her after all these years."

"What I did protected Gemma and Jax. It was better for everyone involved. Nobody got hurt from it this way."

"Jesus Christ, Wayne. Everybody got hurt from it and more still will."

We stopped and picked up the boys from daycare. Wayne had no choice but to go along with me on it. We were both know knee deep in lies, deception and the shit storm of life from what the club became.

"Here's some money to feed Abel with. You do not go back to TM or talk to Jax until I call you." He took my car and I took his truck because it was easier than taking the car seats out for the boys.

"Tara, where are you going?"

"To find the crow. John will not have died in vain. He was not crazy or delusional and neither am I."

After I drove around so much looking for it. I had to stop and get gas in the truck. Usually when you give up looking for something or believing in it, it shows up when least expected it to in the most unlikely places. Maybe it wasn't part of your life plan but it didn't necessarily make it wrong either.

The son of a bitch was perched up on top of the sign displaying the gas prices after I came out from paying. "It's about damn time. If you want my help anymore, then I need yours now."

This was the most important flight the crow would take. The journey it took me on would change everything from here forward for a lot of us. It's path and mine had now crossed over to one.

It was an unfamiliar road I went down with no houses in site. I didn't know where the hell it led to like so many times lately in my life. It was almost dark and if I didn't find where I was going soon, I might not find it.

The place was a conservation of wild life with woods areas and a lake for fishing I didn't know existed. But I still didn't see what I came for around.

My breathing was erratic. By it about beating out of my chest; told me I went in the right direction in the woods. It should have worried me as my heart squeezed so hard inside it felt like it cut off my blood supply. But, it didn't because I knew it meant he was nearby.

At the bottom of the hill there he laid with a bottle in his hand looking up at the star show which would begin soon. He knew I was with him; he didn't even have to look to know I was coming up behind him.

"What does it take to get you to stay away, Tara? I have like I said I would. As soon as I get some money together again, I'm out of here. This fucking town has broken me in every way you can think of. Until then, you need to go the fuck away. It's better for the both of us and you know it. Once I'm gone, you won't have to worry about it anymore."

"The crow brought me here. Just as the crow has brought me to you so many times. If you are honest; it keeps pushing you towards me too and it hasn't stopped either. I need you to tell me how you've felt the last few weeks when you weren't around me. I have to know because it's probably the same way I felt. The connection we have is real even if no one else believes it, I know you do. You promised, you will never lie to me, Kyle. No bullshit this time because it's not better for me or you and you know it." This was one argument I would win. This was one time I would not back down until I got what I wanted. This was once in my life, I had to do it for me and only me to heal myself.

Kyle must have felt the same because he was on his feet and ready to fight with me about it. "Seriously, you want me to tell you how I feel without you? Are you just here to rip my heart out or what?"

"Please, just tell me how you feel? I have to know."

"Fuck this." He just thought he wasn't going to hear me out. He just thought he was the one to walk away again. He just thought he was done with this shit.

By his t-shirt I grabbed two handfuls of it and made him come to me. He held out much longer than I expected him to before he responded back. "Please, tell me."

"I miss you and the boys so much. Nothing makes any damn sense to me unless I'm with you. I just barley fucking exist to make it through the day. I'm miserable all the time. I can't even think clearly anymore because I can't get you off my mind no matter what I do. I am completely numb and don't really feel much of anything. I'm starting to doubt my own sanity now because I think I am loosing my fucking mind. That's how I really I am and I can't keep doing it with you, Tara."

"The night I met you. I followed the crow to your tattoo shop. The crow wanted us to be together then. The crow still wants us together for a reason. I'm still not sure why and for what. I think it's some of the connection we feel for each other. All those thing you felt by not being around me, I felt them too since you've been gone. I just don't hear your heart beat anymore. I felt it as soon as I got out of the car. I knew exactly where to find you out here. Everything I do always leads me back to you. But I have figured out what a bigger piece of the puzzle is that ties me and you together. So what I am about to say is probably going to sound crazy. I've been told by many just how crazy I am lately. Actually it's certified by a doctor now. You're the only part of reality and sanity I can still hold on to. I'm afraid once I tell you, I will lose you completely. I need you to give me your word you won't just disappear."

"Tara, this needs to end. Look at what it's doing to us."

"Please, just promise me. If you ever truly felt anything for me, you will. You told me if you believe in it, a lot of impossible things are true."

It took him along time to do it. After several attempts he put it out there. "I won't just disappear."

"I found out today. Your mother had an affair with John Teller. You are his son."

I hope you enjoyed reading me! And…. there you have it. Now click on his picture at the top of the page ladies so it's larger and tell me who he reminds you of ; ) Can you imagine those two hotties together? Be still my foolish heart. John Teller has a lot of wrongs to still rectify in his life. We are about half way through the story now.

Not all things in life are as simple as black and white. You have to read between the lines to find the answers. Put yourself in the character's perspective of it. A reader told me; if you follow the mythology and the circles the crow leads you in. The answers are all there. She is very correct and very wise. Some of you knew who Kyle was a few chapters back.

Btw… Those are all true facts of Odin, Frigg and the crows in the mythology I have given you. It just fit in the story line well. The spider web, I twisted it up and made it my own theory.

The next chapter, Mothers Daughters; Fathers Sons will be out in a few days.

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