Chapter 20
Mothers, Daughters; Fathers, Sons
PART 3 of 5
I converse with a lot of you on the story and just to chat sometimes. This one I had with a reader I wanted to throw out there. Everything I write in this story has a meaning no matter how trivial or crazy it might seem at the time. It is all one giant evolving circle; of the characters, the past, the present and the future. Those who went back and read it again after they found out certain reveals were like; oh yeah, I clearly see it now.
Some think I hate Jackson, so not true. I've wrote him in many different ways over the last four years. I truly loved him up to season 5. He didn't always do the right things but he still had good intentions of making things right and enough good left in him to know he did wrong. Once Tara married him and he got the gavel. He sort of checked out on her and became more evil than Clay in some ways.
We don't want Tara to receive the same fate she did in the show. We don't want Jackson to receive the same fate he did in the show. But most of all we don't want to leave Abel and Thomas parent less like Ellie and Kenny.
It slightly twisted around in the wind. Thomas was jabbering as the bright colors caught his eye. The clanking noise of the glass butterflies striking against the brass bar made him reach out to touch it. We stood for a few minutes with him in my arms to let him enjoy the wind chime I hung by the front door.
The older kids didn't seem thrilled by it at all but he sure was. Just like the tiny motorcycle charm Jax added to my gold bracelet. Thomas was fascinated by it as well. He tried to play with the dangling charm every time my wrist got near his little hands.
Unfortunately, there wasn't enough time this morning to stay outside for too long. I still had to get ready and get the kids moving for the day. As much as I loved them all it took forever sometimes.
Mary wanted Kenny and Ellie for a few days. She had already planned a mini vacation for them before I agreed to take them for the summer. Kenny was fine with it but Ellie wasn't and already expressed several times she didn't want to go. I still had to buy them some summer clothes and other stuff before they went. I was trying to sort through what they couldn't really wear anymore and get rid of it.
"Maybe this weekend we can spend some girl time and go shopping together?"
"Okay." There was a little excitement in Ellie's voice from it at least.
While I finished up emptying her bag, I came across a dance invitation. "What is this Ellie?" She wouldn't comment to even acknowledge it. According to the paper it was a coming of age dance from a youth group she belonged to. "Ellie?"
"I'm not going."
"Why, honey? You might have fun."
"I don't have a dad. It's a father and daughter dance. Some of the mothers told me I shouldn't come to the group anymore because of who my dad is. Since Mommy has been gone, they are mean to me sometimes. I don't even want to belong to the group anymore."
"Oh really. Tell me what they said to you."
Donna had enrolled Ellie in an extra activity group for girls from the age thirteen to fifteen to make friends. I could see her mother standing up against anyone who spoke out against her family. Donna sure as hell wouldn't put up with someone talking shit to Ellie and neither would I.
It wasn't uncommon for people to punish the member's family for being associated with the club. That was exactly what those bitches were doing too. They didn't feel Ellie fit in with their social circle. So with Donna gone, they pushed her out and made her feel like she was less than. The only reason she got an invitation was because it was mailed to her from a list. Well, that shit wasn't going to fly with me. I had been treated the same way when I was young by having a lush for a father. Not just for that reason either. The day would come when my boys were bound to face the same kind of treatment by someone.
"You should go and we can get you a new dress for it." Ellie was hesitant about it and I understood. But she didn't realize she still had someone here with her that would fight for her just as her mother had done.
Jax hadn't left for the day yet. I explained what they had done to Ellie. "Those bitches should have their asses kicked for it. I can't take her though and she wouldn't want me to anyway. I got club stuff all weekend."
Disappointment crossed my face. He was probably right. Ellie would just be scared and miserable if she did go with Jax. But I still wasn't going to let them treat her like that. I stuck the invitation in my purse and would attend their dance committee meeting.
"Hey, babe. Do you think we can do a club breakfast or dinner sometime? Gemma used to do them. I was thinking maybe you could do one if you have time."
"I can do that. Sure, why not. It sounds like fun."
This would be my first real involvement with the club on my own. I thought of Gemma a lot lately. She would always really be the queen. I gave her a call to see if she wanted to help me one more time before she and Nero left to start a new life together.
"I'd love to, sweetheart. I'm glad you're stepping up and taking care of the guys. When do you want to do it?"
"They have a run on Saturday. I thought we can have breakfast before they go."
"Sounds good. Nero and I will be there."
"How is Nero doing? I haven't seen him lately?"
"He's fine. Come by TM today and we will discuss the details."
Once I got off the phone with Gemma I had to hustle to work. Ellie hugged me goodbye like she does every morning. Kenny, I got nothing from that little boy. There wasn't a connection between me and him of any kind. I'd have to work on it.
For most of the day I only had rounds to make and a few appointments. When I got those finished up I headed over to TM to talk to Gemma. We came up with the list pretty quickly in fact.
"I've got to go before I pick the boys up. Some women were being mean to Ellie in her youth group over the club. Their meeting starts in about thirty minutes."
Gemma grabbed her purse. "We will see about that shit." Even though she kept saying she was done and out. Someone talked shit about the club and she wasn't going to have it either.
Before we went inside of the building I wanted to make it clear to Gemma. "This needs to be kept low key. We just want to talk and express our feeling on what has happened. No banging heads off the counter, or pulling out your gun to shoot them or calling them a cunt. No crazy shit, Gemma."
"Since when have you known me to do any crazy shit?"
"All the time since I've known you."
We took a folding chair in the back. There were four women setting at a long table and five or six setting on chairs with us. By just listening to them talk, I got it. They were snooty women who traveled in a certain circle. If you weren't in their circle, you meant nothing to them.
After the called it officially over. I approached the one who did most of the talking. "I wanted to know if you can give me a minute about Ellie Winston."
"Ellie doesn't belong to the group anymore. She hasn't attended a meeting in months. Besides, she's really not Sunshine Girl material."
"She does belong to this group. I'm sure you can understand her missing a few meetings with the situation."
"Oh right, her father got killed in prison from what I heard. His porn star girlfriend brought her once after that. Again, Ellie just doesn't belong here." The bitch just wasn't going to listen to reason. She finally walked away as I was in midsentence talking to her. She must have felt I didn't belong here either.
"Are you gonna take that shit, Tara?"
"Fuck no. I'm not."
Gemma and I followed her to the bathroom. Gemma stood against the door and she actually was going to let me handle it for once.
Once again, I tried to be nice until she basically called us all biker trash. Then I got pissed off. By her throat I shoved her up against the wall. "Ellie will be attending the dance. If I as much as find out you or the fucking twats, you run with. Make one rude comment to her, make her feel bad for being there or even look at her the wrong way. The trashy biker bitch you just referred to me as. Will come back here and beat your fucking ass until you bleed." Before I turned her lose I banged the back of her head of the wall as hard as I could. "Don't make me come back here."
"I'm glad to see you handled it without any crazy shit."
"Don't start with me, Gemma." I put my sunglasses on when we reached the outside steps. "Besides, I learned it from the best crazy bitch there is."
"Damn straight about that, sweetheart."
Gemma went with me to pick up the boys. I dropped her off at TM and headed to my house. Once I got Ellie and Kenny I wanted to address the dance. "I really think you should go Ellie. I went to the meeting and they are looking forward to you being there."
"Really?"
"Yes. We need to get a dress for you. How about we see if Nicole and Cody wants to grab dinner with us? Then we will look for you a dress. There is only a couple of days until the dance Saturday night." Ellie never said yes or no to it. So, I rolled on with it.
We stopped at Nicole's house and she wanted to go along with us. The boys didn't as soon as Kyle came over. They fussed and moaned about it.
Nicole and I seemed more enthused about everything than Ellie did. We were trying to decide how she should get her hair done and the whole ten yards.
"Tara." Kyle motioned is head towards the back door. So I followed after him outside. "Is Jax taking Ellie to the dance?" He overheard what I told Nicole about those women and all of it.
"Jax can't take her. He has club stuff to do. She isn't really comfortable with him anyway. His leather only reminds her of what she has lost."
"Is it okay if I ask Ellie to go with me? Or do you think it will be a problem?"
"I think she will love it. You're so sweet." When I hugged Kyle I let out an instant gasp. I felt so warm inside. An intense amount of emotions rushed me all at once. It was an overpowering sensation.
"Feeling it, aren't you, girl?"
"No."
"Uh huh. Keep telling yourself that, Tara." The longer I was close to him. The more intense the feeling got to be. I had to get away from him and quickly. When I loosened my hold on him, he tightened his on me.
"Are you ready to go, Tara?" I think Nicole surprised us both a little because we didn't even notice her out here with us.
"Yeah, I am." Kyle still held on to me. His sister being here didn't bother him. "You should let go of me."
"I know I should."
"I'll be inside whenever you're ready to go, Tara." Nicole didn't say anything. But I was sure she would to me later about it.
"It is not sexual feelings I get by touching you. It's like you take me to my happy place, girl. I'm dangling on the edge you've lead me to but you always leave just before I can completely fall."
"Well now. What are you guys doing?" Boomer was standing at the back door observing us hugging each other.
"Nothing asshole. What do you want?" It was time to go back inside and stop this shit.
"Little G, I hear you have a dance coming up this weekend. I'll go with you if you want me to."
"I don't know if you can. You're not my dad."
This was where it got complicated to explain it to Ellie. Kyle told her about his step dad raising him. Nicole expressed to her family is by the heart and not always by blood; like her and Kyle. Boomer threw in his dad died when he was young and he helped his mom with his three younger sisters. Then I added to it about Wendy. Ellie knew my true motherly love for Abel because he was my son and no one would ever take that away.
"I want you to go, Kyle. But I don't know how to dance."
"It's easy, Little G. I can show you. If Tara can do it anybody can." For some fucking reason they all thought that was funny, even Ellie.
It was finally time to go and the boys were protesting because they were playing a video game. "Let them stay here and play with Cody. We will watch them. You can spend some time with just Ellie."
"I haven't feed them yet."
"I think I can figure out to feed them, Tara."
"Are you sure you want to watch Thomas too?"
"I think I'm big enough to take him if he gives me a problem. Go do whatever the hell girls do."
"Thank you." I set Thomas carrier down by them on the floor. He seemed content to just watch them having fun and make a lot of noise.
Kenny and Cody already had down the race car video game. "Come here, buddy." Abel set on Kyle's lap while he helped Abel with what buttons to push. They were crashing in to the other boy's cars on purpose and running them off the road. Abel and Kyle laughed the whole time when they done it. Kenny and Cody, not so much.
"Tara." Nicole finally stepped in my view when I didn't answer her after she said my name a couple of times. "Are you in there, girlfriend?"
"Yeah, let's go." I had to look back at all of them one more time before we left out the door.
There never had been a time when I had so much damn fun shopping. We tried on clothes just for the hell of it even. I came across a pair of red cowgirl boots, I splurged and bought those babies. They were more me than the high heel black boots Gemma got for me.
Nicole picked out the tight ass pair of jean I bought to go with them and Ellie found a sleeveless red blouse to go with it. If I had much cleavage it would have shown. I couldn't wait to slip those red boots over my jeans and wear them somewhere.
We turned our focus to sweet Ellie. With eight dresses in hand she went to the dressing room to try them on. When she came out in a white and pink silk dress with tank top sleeves, it was the one. Not only did it look good on her, she looked like a pretty teenage girl in it. A much older girl but still gorgeous.
The accessories were finished with a pair of low heeled white shoes and a silver heart necklace. Her ears weren't pierced though for earrings yet. Donna had promised her when she turned thirteen to take her to get it done. Her mother didn't live long enough to keep her promise to her daughter. So, Nicole and I rectified it for them. We each held one of Ellie's hands while the lady put a tiny silver stud in her ears. It brought our shopping adventure to a close for the night.
The boys were still playing the same video game when we got back a couple of hours later. Boomer was down there racing his car with them too. Kyle was on the couch with Thomas laying on his chest out like a light.
"The boys ate dinner already. Thomas has been asleep for about twenty minutes. Is that for me?"
"Of course it is. It's your strawberry shake fix for the day. Thank you for watching them."
"You're welcome."
We went through the drive thru and bought them all ice cream on the way back. The boys were already at the table eating theirs with Boomer. They must have inhaled it because they were right back to playing their game quickly.
Thomas didn't wake up when I put him in his carrier and took him with me to Nicole's bedroom. She and I went through her nail polish and found the perfect pink shade to go with Ellie's dress. Even Ellie was starting to show some excitement too.
"I need to get the kids home and get them ready for bed."
There was so much for me to do over the next week. After I got the kids bathed and put to bed. I began a list for the club's breakfast, Ellie's dance and Gemma's going away party.
It was the first thing I worked on when I got up too. Until I had to get the kids moving for the day. For the most part the kid was really good for me. I was getting myself back in the grove of life again and it was all because of them.
Work was just as busy. I performed three operations, kept all of my appointments on time even. The scurrying schedule I had kept made the days fly by quickly too. It was already time for me and Gemma to make their breakfast.
It was early on a Saturday morning when we invaded the clubhouse. The boys played outside with Wayne. He was already up having coffee when we got here. I invited him to eat as well. Ellie was a big help. I've gotten used to her not being far from my side.
"Smells good."
"Morning, Tiggy." He gave Gemma a kiss on the cheek. Then me for absolutely no reason at all. It surprised me a little actually I got the same treatment she did from him.
They all started to filter out of their rooms when they smelled food cooking. I poured Jax a cup of coffee and took it outside to him. He was out on the picnic table with Chibs. I set it down so I could get back to finish things up.
"Thank you for doing this, babe."
"You're welcome. It's really kind of fun." I gave him a kiss then went back to the kitchen to help out.
Within an hour we had put together a pretty good buffet for them to choose from. They all lined up to get a plate. I made all four of the kids theirs and then my big kid one too. Jax gave me another kiss when I set his plate down I, fixed for him.
"Gemma, where is Nero?"
"He wasn't feeling well and decided to stay home."
The guys ate and got their stuff together. I walked out with Jax to see him off.
"Do you got any plans for tonight?"
"Just Ellie's dance. Why?"
"No reason. Thank you for being a good old lady and doing this for me. I love you."
"Be safe baby. I love you too."
Gemma helped me out to the car with all the stuff and my many children.
"Have fun tonight, sweetheart." Gemma hugged Ellie and we took off to get all the stuff done I need to today.
We ran around town and I bought a lot of stuff Gemma's going away party. Now it was time to get the little princess ready for her big night.
Kenny need a haircut. Abel, he just wanted one. "Do you want to get your hair cut, Ellie? You don't have to cut it short. Just get it trimmed up and put a few layers in it."
The stylist was fantastic. After she cut Ellie's hair, she curled it too. She pinned one side up with little pearl pins. Ellie could have passed for sixteen easy.
Doing the rest of her stuff was simple. Nicole did a light makeup job on her after she got dressed. By the time we got her finished, it was time for her to go.
"Don't you look handsome all dressed up." Kyle did look cute in black dress pants, dark blue shirt and his black tie.
"This is for you Little G." He bought her a delicate wrist corsage. The band was cover in white lace with two tiny pink roses and a white one in the middle of them.
"I didn't forget my other girl either." He handed me a single pink rose. I wasn't even sure what to say.
"Let's get some pictures before you leave." Nicole snapped a couple of them and it was so sweet.
"Tara, take one with us." Ellie was just a beautiful child on the inside and outside.
"This is your night, honey." It chocked me up watching her blossom right before my eyes.
"Come on, Tara." Ellie got tired of asking me finally and was dragging me by my hand over for a picture. Nicole took a couple of all of us when Ellie went over to stand by her.
Nicole snapped a couple of us just me and Kyle. "Do you think Ellie is pushing us together, Kyle?"
"Oh yeah she is."
Kyle suck his arm out to Ellie for her to take so they could leave. It was the sweetest thing to watch her feel like a princess. He even opened her door to get in the truck. I felt like I was sending my little girl out into the world for the first time.
The experience she would receive from tonight would carry over for her. I never went to one single dance because no one ever asked me to go and my father never would have done anything like this for me. I missed out on so many of those experiences when I was growing up. But my children would not. I'd make sure of it.
"Come on girlfriend. Let's go get the boys something to eat." Nicole saw what a blubbering idiot I was acting like and she hugged me.
We rounded up our children and took them to eat. Then to play at the park. My cell went off. It was a picture from Kyle. Ellie was dancing with some boy just about her height. She looked so happy too. "Aw." It came from both me and Nicole at the same time.
When we got back Ellie couldn't wait to leave. She wanted to write about her night in her diary before she forgot. It was precious.
The boys were so tired I had to wake Kenny and Abel up to put them to bed. Thomas was the easiest to get down for the night. Then there was Ellie. She wrote away with a happy face while she did it. I even noticed within a couple of hours she was in a peaceful sleep.
Since, the house was so quiet. I worked on Nero and Gemma's going away party next. Only, I was interrupted by a surprise. Jax was supposed to be gone until Sunday night and he was home already.
"We got done early. So we headed back home."
"Good. I'm glad you came home early. There is something I want to talk about with you. I want to have a going away party for Nero and Gemma at the clubhouse."
The more I talked about doing a going away party for Gemma to Jax. The more he balked at the idea of it. He wasn't going to hear of it being at the clubhouse for her either.
"Okay. Then I will throw the party at her house because it's bigger than ours." Jax continued on how it was a waste of time to do it. But I disagreed with him. As much shit as Gemma had been through, this little bullshit party was nothing. I didn't get mad until he kept making rude comments about her too.
"You are just like Gemma so I don't why you're talking shit about her. Like mother, like son. So, what does it matter if I do it or not?"
"And so are you, Tara. You're just like your mother, headed down the same path she took. It's why I locked you up so you didn't hurt yourself. Do you think I want our sons to grow up without their mother?"
"What are you talking about?"
"She couldn't handle life. She bailed on her family by killing herself after she went crazy. It was where you were headed if you didn't get some help."
Those were words spoken, I could never come back from. All this time I thought she had run away in the middle of the night from us because she didn't love me or my father anymore.
"I got to get out of here."
"Tara, where the hell are you going?"
"I honestly didn't know she killed herself. I need some time to deal with it. I don't even know what happened to her. Take care of the kids. They are already asleep all you have to do is keep an eye on them. If you can't do it call Gemma. Your mother might be a bitch in your eyes. But she always is there for you when you need her. It's more than what I have. So you might be grateful for what you have instead of pushing her away before it's too late."
For an hour I drove around trying to put all the pieces of it together. But I couldn't. Until I figured out it wasn't Collette's cold lifeless eyes that haunted me so badly, it was my mothers.
When he answered the door finally, I pushed past him. "Hello to you too."
There wasn't time for socializing. This was a full blown melt down to hell I was on. I held my hands on each side of the wall going down the hallway. Just like I used to do it when I was a child.
When I got to my old bedroom I had to crawl over his exercise equipment and move around some boxes to open the closet door. Before me set a small child hiding in the closet. Holding her knees to her chest rocking herself to calm down. It was me when I was about five years old. Reliving all the pain and insecurities from the past.
"Tara?" Kyle kept saying my name but I closed my eyes trying to bring that day back in mind. To play it over again to know what really happened to her.
There were echoing screams I heard from my room. I was sitting on my bed when it came. With my doll in hand I walked towards it down the hallway of doom. The sounds had subsided but the fear when you are a child couldn't be until it was consoled away. Usually by their mother. My mother wasn't ever going to comfort me again, hold me in her arms or tell me she loved me either.
The house looked completely different back then. Everything changed in my life after she was gone too. Their bedroom smelled like her sunflower lotion she always wore. In the summer time the fragrance lingered whenever she walked in the room like a bouquet of fresh flowers were in it.
In the corner was a rocking chair directly in front of the window. I spent hours with her in it. If I was afraid or sick, she would hold me until I felt better. Once she left, I didn't know what it actually meant to feel good anymore.
The bathroom door was closed back then but standing wide open for me now. It was why I felt like I squeezed into a tiny square by the walls after Collette died. The same walls I dreamt dripped with blood before. It was my mother's blood. I witnessed it coming from her lifeless body.
In the bathtub she floated in the water of red. She had slashed herself up until she was gone. It was her only way out or so she felt at the time it was. It was the floor I remembered the most. A pool of her blood was dripping from her wrist and arm down to it.
For hours I cried and hid in my closet because I was alone with her when it happened. Until someone found me in there and I believe it was my father who did. It was just some of the reasons I would literally beg to not be left alone today.
All I heard from the bedroom window was the sweet music of those damn wind chimes playing in my head. The ones that hung by the front door back then as we set on the steps in the evening time waiting for my dad to get home. The rest of what happened after that I had no clue.
"I'm going to be sick."
Kyle held my hair back for me. Then he held on to me while I had my emotional breakdown on the bathroom floor. As I told him about my mother.
My father never mentioned any of it to me when I was growing up. Maybe it's why he drank so damn much and drank himself to death. It was his way of coping with it all. I blamed him for so many things over the years. There were times I hated being around him.
Once I left for Chicago, I never looked back. I didn't come back to Charming to even visit him. I left everything from here behind me. What little he did call me. I always let the answering machine pick it up and erased it without an inkling to return the call to him. I shoved him out of my life and wrote him off. Just like I preached to Jax about doing to Gemma.
Looking back now, I wished I had done things differently. Maybe if I had of I would have made a difference in my father's life and he could have made a difference in mine. We could have had a better life and helped heal each other. Maybe I would even be a different kind of person today from it.
"Are you okay now?"
"Yeah."
Kyle wet a wash rag and handed it to me to wash my face with. There were so many damn things from my past that couldn't be washed away and forgotten. Other things; it wasn't too late for me try to fix them, put them to rest finally and make a better life.
"Apparently there are things about our mothers neither one of us knew about them. I found a couple of boxes when I cleaned out the house with pictures and stuff in them. I put them in the closet for you so if you wanted to keep any of it."
"Apparently." I used his toothpaste with my finger and then mouth wash after that before I left the bathroom.
The top shelf had several boxes stacked on top of them. Kyle reached over my head to get them because I was too short without getting a chair or something to stand on.
This stuff must have been tucked away by my dad sometime time ago after she passed. There were tons of pictures, old papers and I found her bible. The same one she carried with us every Sunday morning. Even a small container marked with her cremated remains in it.
"My mom's is just like it."
"What?"
Kyle went into his bedroom and I followed after him. He took out of the nightstand beside his bed the exact same bible. "Ellie had one just like this the other day when we took her to church. I didn't even think about it then." He set down on the bed and had it gripped tightly in his hand.
"Do you think it's coincidental?"
"Probably not. Nothing else about us seems to be. But it will be okay. We will figure it out."
When he touched my hand I felt so many things all at the same time; warmth, joy, courage, relaxation, closeness and so many others.
Kyle was a little surprised by my reaction to all of it. My lips seemed to have a mind all of their own and didn't think shit through either. As it was a slow, soft and deep kiss I gave him. But when it turned to a lingering and passionate one, he was the one who stopped.
"It can't ever go there, Tara."
"I just…I'm sorry."
Kyle brushed my hair out of my face with his hand. "Don't be sorry, I'm not. We just can't. We probably shouldn't stay here either. Do you want to go get some coffee or something with me? Or are you going home now?"
"Coffee sounds good. It's not like I am going to sleep anyway."
He threw on a pair of jeans and t-shirt. I handed him my keys so we could go. We were once again leaving Charming without any idea of what would happen to our futures, the now or even tomorrow for that matter.
To the same place we had coffee at before. Kyle opened the same door for me this time too. "I'm not a cheap ho, you know. I want pie too, Kyle." Those were the same words he spoke to me when we came here. He just smiled.
We caught up on all the other stuff we still had to cover. There was so much I hadn't told him yet. "Jax has a web tattoo on his arm just like Clay's. I never noticed it before."
"Oh shit, Jax is what ties them all to the afterlife. That's why."
SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA
"Why did you want to meet here, Gemma?"
"This was Daddy's parish. I listened to him give sermons in there that could lift you up to heaven just on his words. He was all I really had growing up. Even he wrote me off when I came back to Charming with a baby and outlaw motorcycle club. You said you wanted to talk to me and I wanted to come here one more time before I left town. So, what's up?"
"What do you know about my mother and what happened to her?"
"I didn't know your mom that well. Your father was a sweet and handsome man. I only know from the rumors I heard around town. They were having some troubles and she killed herself. Other than that, I really don't know much else."
"Do you think Jax was trying to protect me from becoming my mother?"
"Yes, in some ways I really do. If Jackson didn't love you, he wouldn't have cared enough to do anything about it at all. But in other ways, no."
We talked about real life things on the run down church steps. Gemma almost seemed vulnerable by the way she spoke. Especially when it came to the subject of our mothers.
"Rose hated me and let me know it every day of my life. Once my brother died so did she on the inside. The grief and hate turned her bitter, it was all aimed at me. Because she felt the wrong child died and my brother was her favorite. As soon as I turned sixteen, I couldn't take it anymore living in her self righteous shadow. She had a miserable life and she passed it on to those around her. So, I packed a bag and hit the road. I met John shortly after that and the rest is history. But, I made sure Jackson always knew how much I loved him without fail. Sometimes, I think I tried too hard to over compensate my love for him after Thomas died. We can screw up our children and not know it at the time."
Gemma and I went to have a cup of coffee while I listened to her life story. There were so many new things I found out about her. She was such a hard surface on the outside to crack. On the inside was a brave woman who had a shitty life but still tried to make the most of it. She wouldn't let anyone keep her down. There was a very important lesson I just learned too.
We spent so much time talking we had to hustle back to her house after I picked up the kids. Or I would have missed the meeting with Nero we already had scheduled. Ellie was ready when Kyle came by so we could go while Gemma watched the boys for me. We had to wait for a few minutes for him to get there even.
But Nero met us like he said he would. "Do I even wanna know what this is about?" Kyle and I looked at each other before we shook our heads no.
"Alright, I won't ask then."
Kyle, Ellie and I set down at the pew. All three with the exact same bible in hand which belonged to each of our mothers. Opened to the same page even.
John 1:7-9 But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
"Do you really think this will help?"
"I've got no idea. But Little G thinks so."
The persist came out to visit with Ellie. The belief was if we were forgiven. It would cleanse us from all wickedness. It was her idea to do it and for some reason it had to be done at this church. For two days in a row she asked Kyle and I to do it with her.
Nero was the one who talked to the priest since he had come here regularly for years. Ellie came back to get Kyle to go with her.
"You and Kyle doing okay, Tara?"
"We're fine, Nero."
It didn't take Kyle long to come back out and set back down with us. "What's wrong with you? Is Ellie okay?"
"I'll tell you later." Was all I could get out of him.
"Nero, would you mind waiting for Ellie to come out? We're going outside for a minute."
"Sure."
We set down on the steps and Kyle still hadn't said a word. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"Ellie told him we are like her parents."
"That isn't a bad thing, Kyle. Ellie loves you a lot. She has no one else in her life."
"It is a bad thing, Tara. How screwed up will it make her when I can't come around anymore? It's only a matter of time and you know it before I won't be allowed to be a part of her life. Then what? Will she think I abandoned her too? It will break my heart when it happens."
There were no words I could give Kyle to make him feel any better about the situation. So, I gave him the truth of how I seen it to be. "I don't know how much longer I will be allowed to be a part of Ellie or Kenny's life either. Mary can't handle them full time. Lyla is not sure she will take them back or not yet. They will become an award of the state. All I can do is love them as much as I can right now. Give them a stable home where they know I care about them until then. The rest of it, I'll figure it out as I go."
"I'm here. I just don't know for how long."
It wasn't long until Ellie came out of the church with Nero. She was all smiles too. It was like a weight had been lifted off of her little shoulders. Maybe this was the best thing to do.
On the way to the truck. She picked three coral flowers. Took a whiff of them. "Mommy loved these." Then gave us one to press in our mother's bibles just like she did Donna's.
The page Ellie put both flowers in passage caught my eye. I looked it up in my mother's bible.
Exodus 34:67- Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, compassion, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in loving kindness and truth. Yet He will by no means leave the guilty and sin unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.
It was about a father's sins and how their children would be punished for it right along with them. If that were the truth; my children had a lot of suffering to come. But what did it really mean? Was it why Ellie insisted to come here, Opie? Did the crow know something we didn't yet? Or was there no message at all in it?
"Ellie, do you want to go visit your dad's gave with us?"
"If you want to." That was better than the response I got from her the last time I talked about Opie.
Ellie and I got out but Kyle didn't to visit Opie. "I guess we need to do it, Ellie."
"I guess so."
We opened his door and both stuck our hands out for Kyle. "You know you can't resist us. So, let's go already."
It would take a long time to even begin a relationship between Ellie and her father. She really knew nothing about him. Especially anything good. To many people spent time telling her all the bad things about Opie. I tried to give her some of the good things I could remember about him. We even took a turn telling her about my father and Kyle told her about his step dad.
Ellie took it all in. She did mention a time Opie took them to school one morning and they stopped for breakfast with her and Kenny. It was a small thing but we would work on it together to get there. "I am going to go see Mommy."
"Okay, honey. We will be right here."
Since Kyle had been on the quiet side. I struck up a conversation. "So, what was your step dad like?"
"He was a real hard ass, strict as hell. It was constantly; get that done boy, don't make me tell you twice and don't be mean to your sister. He was the same with Nicole, it was just how he was. But, he made me stand up and be man. He taught me a lot. My uncle you met, looks a lot like."
"When did I meet your uncle?"
"The house I took you to when you met all the guys. That is my uncle and aunt's house."
Ellie was ready to go. I sort of took a detour by John's grave. It was where it all began. "Come on Ellie. Let's go to the truck, honey and wait for Kyle."
"I don't know if I can, Tara."
"Yes you can." Ellie and I both gave him a kiss on the cheek before we walked away. It was a moment he need to have with just John.
Today was a revelation for all of us in some way or another. There was still a lot of closure needed but it would all come with time. Kyle dropped us off at Gemma's house. I knew he wouldn't come inside.
Ellie was telling Gemma about her day. I kissed Abel as soon he ran to me and grabbed a hold of my legs.
"Tara, I got some of your stuff from the lodge."
"Thanks, Nero."
It was my bag I carried with all the lodge information stuff in. Most of it would get burnt. There was no need for me to keep it any longer now. But, there was one thing I forgot about in it. Just before everything happened. We found Collette's files. I was supposed to burned it that night.
Jax says Tara is weak minded. Naïve to the ways of the world he lives in. Marveled at the attention she receives from Kyle. No choices really when it comes to men other than Jax until now. I used the insecurities Jax feels to plant the notion of the possible affair she is having with Kyle. I am still having a hard time trying to convince Jax of it because men are not exactly captivated by her beauty. Nor does she have many other options other than to stay with Jax. Working on coming between them to start the conflict I need to create with Jax.
Those were some of the nicer things I read in that damn file. There was no mention of any sexual activity between them that I had found yet. But I honestly didn't give a fuck at this point. "Oh, you are in for it now. You would have been better off to have fucked that bitch rather than talked shit about Gemma, me and your family."
Gemma was at the kitchen table when I tossed the file down in front of her. "What the fuck, Tara. You were supposed to have burnt this shit already."
"Well, I was a little busy being crazy and all. Locked up and forgotten about. Read and see what your son really thinks about me and you. Can you believe that shit?"
The pissed off look she read with, she was just as unhappy about it as I was. "No, I can't." She grabbed her purse off the counter, stuck the file inside it and waited. "Let's go."
"Where are we going?"
"If you let Jackson get away with what he said without doing anything about it. The damage he caused his family because he poured his heart out to some whore. Until Collette knew exactly how to get to you and your family. You learned nothing from me at all."
"Gem, what are you doing?" Nero always the calm, rational one. I wish I could be more like him sometimes.
"I love you, baby. Watch the kids, we'll be back soon."
Nero kept calling Gemma's name but he couldn't control her. Deep down, I think he already knew it too before he made the attempt. She was a determined bitch when she wanted to be.
Gemma was even more determined once we reached TM. Some blonde bitch was setting at her old desk. I wouldn't call what she had on even clothes. They didn't even cover her ass let alone anything else. This was more news no one shared with me.
"She's my replacement. Jackson hired her."
"Well, I'm firing her." I picked up the wooden baseball bat that had set by the office door for years.
"That's my girl." Gemma always the encouraging soul. Or the instigating one at times as well.
"Bitch, get out."
"I don't work for you. I don't even know who you are."
"I've really had a hard day and you are just pissing me off more. I'm the one who will shove this baseball bat up your ass if you don't get to stepping."
Well, I did warn her and she didn't listen to me. So I brought bat down hard on the computer she sat at. A couple more times to just give her a little more reinforcement I meant business. It didn't take her long to take the hint and leave then.
"You gotta take what is precious to Jackson away. Something he won't forget anytime soon either."
A huge smile crossed my face as Gemma said it. I flipped my hair over my shoulder and went to handle my business. "Jax's Harley."
"It's where I'd start, sweetheart." Gemma lit up smoke and set down on the curb while I did my thing.
Jax bike was parked conveniently for me in front of the office away from all the others. The bat didn't have any problem crashing through tail light of it. "You called me crazy and locked me up." Then I went to the front of it and beat of both mirror off with a single swing to them. "Fuck around with whores while I'm home taking care of your sons." Shattered the windshield on my first try even. "Never at home always on club business and put it above your family." Then I went to his precious painted gas tank.
"What the fuck?"
"It's okay, Tiggy. Tara is just working out some aggressions she has today."
"I can see that." Tig didn't try to stop me or even come near me.
The rest of them came out to join in the fun to. "If you come near me, you get some too. While I'm at it. There is going to be a whole new set of old lady rules once Gemma leaves. There will be no more damn dick sucking rule acceptable. So, you better live it up now because change is coming soon boys." I pointed the end of the bat at them and dared them to say anything to me or try to stop me. "No one is going to hold it against me for what I'm doing either. Haven't you all heard. I am fucking insane. A doctor even told me so." With that I went back to the task at hand, beating the shit out of his bike with the bat. Once I was certain I had done a satisfactory job, I threw the bat down on the ground. "Now, I'm done and now I am fucking over it."
"Not just yet, sweetheart." Gemma threw down the file from Collette on the ground by the bat. She dowsed it in light fluid and handed me her lighter. "Come out here and call me a she bitch to my face. I fucking dare you to. Do you hear me, Jackson?" She was screaming it too. She wanted Jax to come out and see it for himself.
"Don't light that." Tig was yelling at me. But I had already lit the file and it was too late.
"Jax's bike has gotta gas leak. Move."
Tig was behind us pushing us away from it. It was probably a good thing since Jax's bike exploded. It flew over our heads clear across the parking lot by the time Tig got us away from it and had pushed us down to the ground.
"Oh, this is very bad." Tig was stating the obvious to us. "Here is the part, I just know you ladies are going to love. Jax isn't even here. Roosevelt picked him up a couple of hours ago because AFT is questioning him. I don't think this is going help his mood out any today."
Unfortunately, with the fire departments quick response to the little fire we started. Came the police with it. Gemma had the lighter fluid still in her hand and I was the dumb ass busted with the lighter by Roosevelt. We tried to be nonchalant by throwing it down and pretending like we knew nothing about it.
"Don't you people get tired of this sort of behavior?"
Gemma and I just looked at each other and shrugged it off. We weren't just shrugging anymore when Roosevelt brought out the hand cuffs for us though.
Since we had nothing better to do while he made us lean on the police car's hood while he searched us for weapons. "Maybe, we should have thought this shit through a little better, Gemma."
"Maybe."
It was another ride in the back of the squad car for me. Gemma seemed fine. She made idle chit chat with Roosevelt even on the way to the police station. At least Collette's file got destroyed, it was the positive note of the day anyway.
We had a clear view of Jax setting at the table in the integration room with the blind pulled up. It was the same two agents who had already questioned me and Nero before. When Jax seen us in hand cuff, he was at the door.
"What the hell are they doing here?"
Roosevelt was truly enjoying his job today. Even more when he got to spring the news to Jax personally. "It seems your wife and mother may have some problems with you, Jax. They are under arrest for destroying property, possible arson, setting a fire inside city limits without a permit and I bet if I search long enough. I can find more things to charge them with too."
"What did they set on fire?"
"Your bike, it's charcoal now." Roosevelt even laughed.
"You blew up my fucking bike?"
"Maybe." Gemma shrugged her shoulders at Jax.
"Could be." So, I owned up to my part of it too.
When Jax turned his back to us. We couldn't contain ourselves any longer. "We so did." We were sitting on the bench laughing our asses off and couldn't stop doing it either.
"Mr. Teller, you are not free to go yet. Set back down." The AFT agent was at the door with Jax. Not looking any happier they were interrupted than we were to be detained.
"This shit is not over. I'll deal with you two when I get outta here."
"Yeah, but Jax won't be dealing with us while he rides his Harley." Gemma made me bust out again. We laughed so damn hard I had tears coming down my face. Since we were in hand cuffs we couldn't even wipe our faces. Roosevelt just shook his head and went in his office.
It wasn't so funny however when they put us together in a jail cell. I'd never actually been in one before. It didn't take us long to get out of it as well.
"It seems the bike had a gas leak to it. It's what everyone down at TM is swearing to anyway. They even have a work order so they could get it fixed immediately. Now, they are telling me a cigarette got threw down and it was an accident. That you two had absolutely nothing to do with it. Can you imagine that story being true? Let me hear your version of it."
"If that's what they said, I'm sure it's what happened. I am smoker after all. I have a bad habit of throwing lit cigarettes down all the time."
"Yeah, I'm sure it's what happened too." I backed up everyone's story along with Gemma. If it got us out of here I was all for it.
"This will be the last break; I give any of you. Get the hell out of my police station." Roosevelt opened the cell door and we were sprung free. "Tara, will you give me a minute?" Gemma left and I waited to hear what he had to say to me.
"I expect this behavior from the others. But I don't from you. I'm a little surprised actually."
"Yeah, me too. Thanks for letting us go because you wouldn't believe the shit I let go of today."
"You know, if you continue to hang out with outlaws. Eventually, you will be in as deep as they are."
"I already am Chief. But I appreciate your concern."
This was a hell of a messed up life I had created for myself. By the choices I made so long ago. I had no other option but to play them out. See it through to the end. Only now, it would be played out more on my terms instead of everyone else.
When I finished Jax's bike. I finished the past and let everything go. All of it; the cheating, my reservations, the past history, the hate, Jax's mistakes, my mistakes, the neglect and the fear of everything. But most all, I let the old Tara go. We would proceed from today forward. Not from years ago to the present any longer.
Only maybe the better plan was to stay inside the jail cell when we saw the action in the parking lot. It was actually probably a lot safer in there too. Jax had several of the club members with him. "The lovely ladies decided to blow the fuck out of my bike and this idiot helped them."
"Technically, Jax. I didn't help them. I just sort of watched." Tig was under his microscope now. I felt bad for making him a part of it. I knew how Jax would handle it eventually with him.
"Dick head." Jax was pissed off. Boy, whew, smoke could have been coming out of his ears as mad as he was. "We'll talk about this shit when I get home tomorrow, Tara. I've gotta go try to earn some money but it ain't over."
"I'm sure it's not yet either, Jax."
Tig got in the middle of me and Gemma. He put one arm around each of us. "So, ladies. Where to? I'm in no big hurry to go back to the clubhouse to get my ass kicked."
"A bar. I need a drink." It was Gemma's suggestion at least.
"I'm in no big hurry to have Jax yell at me either. I say a bar."
"Then a bar it is my two lovelies."
Gemma called Nero. He was just relieved to hear all she did was blow up the bike and did no bodily damage to Jax. Nor none was done to her in return. I knew the boys were in the best hands when it came to Nero watching them. I trusted him with most things too.
My freedom days were all but over once Gemma left. There was no way in hell Jax would babysit so I could have any time to myself ever again. So, this was my last night out basically. With the kind of day I had. I better make this evening a good one to make it last for a while.
Nicole called me to see if I wanted to hang out with her tonight since Cody was doing a sleep over at the neighbor's house. She seemed a little on the down side. So I asked her what was wrong.
"David thinks it's getting to serious between us because we see each other all the time. I'm not upset he broke it off with me. But I am pissed he let me blow before he did it."
"Damn men. I've had a really bad day too. We're going to a bar. Why don't you meet us?" I didn't have to ask her twice before she was all in for it. It was great to have a female friend that had at least some sense to them, basically nothing like Gemma at all.
"I will drink your little asses under the table, girls." I only laughed at Gemma because hell yeah she would me. It was no contest there for her.
"Bring it on, Gemma." Nicole took two shots down easily. She slammed the shot glasses down after each one she did on the table. "I can hang drinking with the guys."
"Damn, I think I am like lusting all over you, Nicole." Tig actually was too. He wasn't sneaking looks down her shirt for nothing. He took two shots as well to keep up with her.
"Lust on me baby, I like it."
They all got along very well. I tried to not get shit faced because it really wasn't my thing. Until they brought out jello shots. They didn't taste like alcohol and I had a few of those. When they went back to hard liquor, I was out.
"Here is to you, here is to me. Fuck you if we ever disagree and here's to me." It was the toast Nicole made before they did even more shots together.
"I'll have to remember that one, sweetheart. I like it." Even Gemma was starting to feel the alcohol a little bit.
It was Tig that helped the party along. He brought a tray of shot over to the table. Hell, I already had more than I needed to drink. He held his shot glass up. "To outlaw women." I couldn't refuse to drink to that one even though it was whiskey.
Nicole held hers up now. "To outlaw women who are just looking for a little fun." They all looked at me to go next.
"To married outlaw women. Who sometimes just needs a little more."
Gemma smirked as she made her toast "To the Queen of Anarchy. You'll be just fine, sweetheart."
The toasting got sillier the more we drank. "Here is to a man being like the floor. If you lay him right, you can walk on him years."
Tig had to ponder Gemma's toast for a moment before he would take his shot with us. "Okay, I'll go with that one cause it's true."
"Goddamn, will you look at that." Gemma caught all of our attention with her comment.
There were three fine ass guys walking in the door. They were strutting their shit for us too with all the whistles coming from our table at them. I might have even given one or two of them out. It was all in the name of fun. I'm sure because hell even Tig did it too.
"Dr. Knowles."
"Oh shit." Here I was completely shitted faced and acting like a dumb ass to one of my patient, colleagues or fuck just someone I knew. I tried to set up straight and act like I was a professional. "Yes, may I help you."
"I met you a couple of months ago on a call, I was the paramedic at the scene." He stuck out his hand to me. "My name is Joe."
So I did same back. "My name is Tara."
"My name is goddamn, you got a nice ass." He was uncertain how to take Gemma's comment.
"I'll second that." Nicole wasn't shy or sly about having a look at his goods either.
"I just wanted to come over and say hello. Maybe I'll see you around later."
"Bye."
"I think my ass is just as good as his is."
"Show me, Tig." Nicole was all smiles at him. "I'll give you ten dollars." She was counting up what money she had on the table left from buying drinks.
"Hell, I'll do it for free." Tig did just that too, he gave the whole bar a butt shot. We each stuck a dollar in his pants.
Sure we made a spectacle out of ourselves. But it was so much damn fun. As the night progressed on we decided, more like Gemma and Nicole decided. We needed to go see the male strippers.
"There is no way in hell I am taking you girls to see dicks swing. It's not gonna happen and I don't care how much you beg me either."
Gemma and I pointed to Nicole. She lifted up her shirt and bra at the same time for Tig. "Do you girls wanna leave now or when?" All it took was a tit shot to change Tig's mind.
But, having four drunk people trying to drive a car probably wasn't one of the better ideas of the day. Hell, most them were just bad to begin with really.
"I got this. Take your hands off the wheel Gemma."
"Tig, you're over the white line. You need to come back more this way."
For sure it wasn't a good idea when Gemma's car went upon the side walk and we hit a mailbox. We still hadn't even made it out of town yet.
"Maybe we should have just got a ride from somebody."
"Do ya think, Tiggy?"
"Fuck it, I got this." Tig backed off the sidewalk and just kept driving on. I wasn't even sure where this place was they were talking about. I never saw a man strip before. They were excited so fuck it, so was I.
The music blared so damn loudly when we got inside. It was dark expect where it was lit up around the stage. I couldn't really see the stage because there were so many women packed around it yelling and jumping up and down. Throwing money at those guys from every side of it.
"Tara."
"Holy shit." Joe the paramedic was fucking Joe the smoking hot fine ass stripping Fireman now.
"I do this a couple of nights a week for extra money to finish getting my degree. Make sure to catch my act."
"I don't think we will be able to get near the stage with all the women up there."
"Come on. I will sit you guys at one of the tables down in the front. If anyone asks just tell them you're my guest."
What a table with a great view of it all too. I had never seen men shake their things like that before. Each one of them came out in some kind of costume before stripping it off and showing their goodies.
Gemma was waving at Joe a twenty when it was his turn. I think he gave her a little extra for her money. He gave her a special dance right in her chair and she fucking loved it.
"I'll give you a twenty if you let me spank your ass. I'm an ass girl." Nicole was having a great time spanking him, groping him and pulling on his tiny fire red thong.
Joe offered but I was going to need a lot more liquor before I did any of that crazy shit. "I'll take a picture of you two." Gemma snapped a photo of me and Joe before he went back up on stage to finish his act. Maybe I would when he came back out later.
"I think my dick is just as big as his is."
"Let me see, Tig." Tig showed Nicole his dick inches from her face. "Oh, that is a nice one."
The alcohol continued to flow freely the rest of the night. I could barely stand up and say a complete sentence. Gemma got grabby with all the guys as they came out and they didn't seem to mind. Nicole got one of the dancers to even smack her ass once. Followed by Tig doing the same to her ass. It was like a three way smack down.
Joe had to say my name a couple of times before I even realized it was him dancing around in front of me. I stuck a twenty down in his thong. But when he went up to the stage, my hand went along with him. My bracelet charm got caught on his thong but it didn't look like it. More like I was sticking my hand down on dick and wouldn't let go of it.
"You gotta pay extra for that, Tara." That was Gemma's wonderful advice to me.
"Hell ya baby, rip his stud panties off." My cheering section Nicole was for it.
"I would have let you stuck your hand down my underwear and tore them off for free." Tig was still throwing it out there for us girls.
After I retrieved my Harley charm for my bracelet out of his thong. The bouncers escorted us out of the building. It's not like we really cared anyway. They were getting ready to close for the night. We continued the party out in the parking lot. That's when shit got really bad and my memory gets a little fuzzy from there.
Forward on my lovelies, Chapter 21, PART 4/Chapter 22, PART 5 has already been posted for you. I say that but I had a hell of time getting this to post. I've been trying since yesterday.
Let me know you are still with me on the story!