Part 1 of 3
Shifting Sands~ A situation that changes very often in an unmanageable way. The unexpected continues to happen. Until the crows rest and weep no more.
The world is progressing, ever changing. One man cannot slow it, no matter how determined he is. He is stopped in the path of the storm. You cannot stop the tides from turning or the sands from shifting, dusk always falls as well as you to your destiny. But John tried. Once you love someone, part of you is bound together forever. Perhaps you never see him again. Perhaps your life is better off without him, and it's right to be apart. But once you've loved him, the link is formed, the bond can never be broken. You can ignore it, if you choose to, but you cannot ever sever it.
Life is the sea filled with the tears of the crows. Its tides and currents sometimes takes a man to distant shores that he never dreamed existed. It was always the secrets we held on to that hurt us the most. Not the telling of them. It kills you on the inside to keep them to yourself, I know because I hold on to so many.
Our heartbeats rushed through my body the last time we were together. I remember it as though it were just yesterday. I can still feel every rise and fall from his breaths of life against me. His arms circled around me as a lover, friend, protector, just so he could keep us from falling over the edge. This is one of my most fond memories of him. Half of me is filled with bursting words that need to come out and half of me is painfully riddled with sorrow. I crave solitude yet also still crave the people I love to be around. I want to pour life and love into everything yet he took a piece of me with him. I want to live within the rush of primal, intuitive decisions. At times, I wish to simply sit and contemplate life instead of living it. This is the messiness of life which we all carry multitudes of.
So, we must sit with the shifts of the sands and see it through. We are very complicated creatures, and ultimately, the balance comes from this understanding. Be water; flowing, flexible and soft. Subtly powerful and be an open book instead of hiding in the shadows of life. Find the balance of wild and serene. Able to accept all changes, yet still led by the pull of steady tides. We always shared the pain. Now that you passed, it has doubled for me. But only half so crippling as times passes as well.
What amazes me about the sea as I sit and gaze upon it. Is the tide. It totally transforms in a very short space of time by the arrival or departure of it. Like the gaping hole I have in my chest when I think of you. There is also a tide in the affairs of men. Which is taken at the flood, leads on to their fate and destiny. If omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in the shallows and in miseries. We must take the current head on or lose who we truly are and who we will truly become.
Tides rise and fall under the influence of the gravitational pull of the moon and sun. Even the calmest of seas are constantly moving water, sand. As the crows caw and weeps for the souls they take, like a great rising tide. It will wake you up and help you break free from it. When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it appears you could not hang on for a minute longer. Never give up. Then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. The sand will not sink while you stand firm again.
Time's stern tide, with the cold oblivion's waves. Shall soon dissolve each fair part of life, each fading charm from it. The time the moon is black, the blood that is in a person does begin to weaken. But when the moon is strong, the blood that moves strong in the same way will rise above it. As the moon, perfectly lines with the sun; the tides will rise, the sands will shit, life will change you.
The forever evolving circle will be complete. Events will move so quickly. What in one moment seems the impossible, the next moment it is happening in front of you in disbelief. Time and tide waits for no man. When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in. As this happens, the crows will finally rest and shed no more tears. John Teller will shed no more tears.
Julia's words moved me, made me weep and brought me here today. Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives was total freedom was possible within our reach. Yet we can pass our years by trapped in the same old patterns never see or even seek a happy ending. Then sometimes, you had to make your own happiness and ending before it was too late.
"You are finally free. I love you, Mom."
The ashes scattered through the sand as I walked along the beach. She had a free spirit and always loved the water. This felt like the best place to let her spirit go. Alexandria's dream held hope for many that true love did exist. For me, it held some unknown mysteries and magical powers I hadn't figured out yet. But I knew for certain they were there, I could almost feel them as a presence with me today. I set down as my mind wander back to the good times between us because I wouldn't have much longer with her.
'Tara, be careful honey, don't fall in the water. You look so pretty in your new dress. Eat your vegetables honey to grow up to be a strong girl. Mommy will rock you to sleep. When you wake up you will feel better.'
While I watched the tide rush in and take her with it back to the sea, it washed away my pain too. I almost felt as safe as I did in her arms as a child. This should have been a sad moment full of despair, the same way I lived my life. But, it wasn't. There were so many things I didn't understand until now. One of them being her need to escape the life she had. Find a way out. Only, she left me behind without a mother when she found her way out.
At times, we became blind to what was around us. Blind to the way life was shaped up. Blinders we wore took us down in the end. I would not allow that to happen to my children no matter the price to be paid. I'd never contemplated my own death. Drew out a sketch of how it would occur or where. When it happened if I'd be young or old. Or thought about if anyone would even miss me when I was gone. But dying to save those you love, seemed like the perfect way to go.
This place brought me serenity for some reason. The calm was here before the storm which was brewing all around us. It would all be out soon with a vengeance. I couldn't let the future effect my moment, my last moment with my mother. The water was perfectly still when I ventured to the edge of it to have one more look before I left. There was a lot of things I was saying farewell to.
Across the long wooden bridge, I went once again. When I reached the middle of it, I had to stop. My breathing was raspy, the pain I felt in my chest was harsh. The sharp stab made me double over and down to my knees I went. It didn't last long. It was completely over within a couple of minutes. I was back to normal again.
Something told me, I had done this exact same thing before in this exact spot. With no indication of what it was or why it happened. I glanced over my shoulder as I continued on the bridge. It was a startling mental event I had experienced before but knew well I hadn't. Perhaps it had to do with the supernatural or a paranormal experience. Or maybe my mind was just playing tricks on me. By the time I made it to the tunnel. I convinced myself it meant nothing. Yet, it still felt like it did.
"It means nothing. I got stuff to do and can't worry about it now." After I repeated it several times, I went on to the next thing. There was an ad for an old beater in the paper. I called about it on my way back to Charming. From what he said not too many were interested once they seen the condition it was in. I already knew a few hundred dollar car wouldn't be much. But, it was perfect for what I wanted it for.
From the directions he gave, I guessed it would be out in the country somewhere. Turn left by the cow statue was ridiculous though. There wasn't but a one lane road in certain areas. It was a path not taken much by many. I hoped I wasn't met by any oncoming traffic because I had nowhere to go. I was already on a collision course to hell on my own and I didn't need further assistance to get there. When I finally found the mail box with the house number on it, I was happy.
It was an old ran down farm house. The flower gardens had been taken over by weeds, nothing had grown in it for a long time. Things died around us before we acted to stop it or noticed what we lost by not neutering it correctly. I knocked on the door several times, no one answered. A loud tractor came around the barn with a bale of hay on it. The man was very old driving it too. He took his time when he got off. The way he made each movement so cautiously to not hurt himself told me he wasn't a threat to me. Even out in here in the middle of nowhere.
"Are you here to see the car?"
"Yes, I am."
"It hasn't been drove in years. My wife loved this car. I held on to it after she passed away. That was ten years ago. The car isn't pretty to look at but it will get you where you want to go." The old faded red Buick convertible had seen better days of glory. He kept it in the barn and the chickens made frequent visits. They left dropping everywhere on it. When it fired up on the first try. This felt right to me.
"I'll take it. It's for my daughter and fine for her first car."
We made out the title to Ellie. He gave me a ride since I had two cars now to drive. I parked it and would worry about the cleanup on it later. Then he took me back to mine. There really wasn't much words spoken between us on the way.
If I asked him a question I only got a brief response out of him. I don't think he had been around many people to socialize with since his wife passed on. When we experienced major loss in our life. We shut out the world. Sometimes to calm the pain but on other occasions to remember those we loved. He was a nice old man and I thanked him before I left the farm. I had a long drive ahead of me.
There was another person on my mind as I drove back. Life seemed to evolve around him; it began with him and it would end with him. I stared up the big hill for a long time before I got out of the car. The road always led back to him somehow.
Except, I wasn't the only one here to see him today. His son was doing some heavy thinking as stood before the man he never knew as his father. "Thomas."
"What do you know about John?"
"Not that much actually." There was so much about the man I hadn't learned yet. The things I knew about him weren't always the most pleasant things either.
"Kyle says you got a book he wrote. I'd like to read it, if you don't mind."
"Sure." I'd make certain Thomas had the opportunity to at least know that much about his father.
"I couldn't believe it when Kyle told me John Teller is our father. We've been like brothers. Now, were blood."
"Kyle told you?"
The fact I gave Nero the information changed nothing. Kyle had already told Thomas by then. Together they made a visit to Gemma. What were the odds of Kyle and I doing the exact same thing within an hour of each other? What were the odds of any of this happening to us? What were the odds we would all survive it?
"Why are you and Kyle doing this?"
"Kyle came back to make shit right. We will do what we need to so you and the kids can be free. If Jax refuses to let you go, Kyle and I, will take over his club. We are John's sons too, he can't stop us. This time, Jax will have to choose what is the most important to him; his family or his club. If he makes the wrong decision, he loses it all."
"You can't do that. Jax will kill Kyle. You have to stop…"
"I won't interfere with what needs to be done. Kyle would rather die knowing he tried to set you and the kids free. Rather than live knowing he did nothing to stop it. To stop the cycle from repeating itself. It will take you and Abel under with it."
"He told you about that too?" Kyle broke all the promises he made me make to him and he done for it me.
"I'm not sure I believe in all the mumbo jumbo crows, crickets and goblin shit. But, Kyle does. We all only have so many days on this earth. In the end, there can only be one Teller brother left standing." It was eerie the way Thomas said the last sentence. As though, he already knew what the outcome would be.
"What are talking about; only one brother left standing?"
"It's unimportant." Thomas answered me like the others did, no real answer given. He looked just like Gemma when he did it too.
"Aren't you at least concerned about what will happen to yourself even?"
"Nope." At first, he hummed it. As he walked on, then he sung it. "Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys."
"There is something seriously wrong with that man."
Once Thomas was out of sight. I knelt in front of John's grave and prayed. For the safe outcome of my children. For them to live a long and happy life. For them to know how much their mother has always loved them and sacrificed it all for them. Just so they were given a chance.
In the mist of it, I begged for his guidance. Any help he could lend me. Light my way to the end of the tunnel. Find the right path and stay on it. Along with, some forgiveness for what I was about to do.
"It's time John for you to weep no more."
With my sunglasses pushed back, I wiped my eyes before I started up the car. It wasn't like I was looking forward to being back at the clubhouse. But, that's where my babies were and where I would go.
Thomas and I seemed to be on the same collision course today. Taking the same path. He was outside with Jax and the others when I pulled into the parking lot.
"If you can't ride. You can't be a member." Jax expressed it in loud fashion to Thomas.
"I can ride. I'll be here tomorrow with my posse. They will ride with me because I don't trust you, Jax."
Thomas expressed it back to Jax just as loudly. Then he simply got in his car and drove away. Thomas didn't give him the fight he was looking for. I couldn't hear what they were saying to Jax afterwards. They were all speaking so low.
"I wanna talk to you." The tone in his voice didn't hide the fact he was pissed off at me.
"Just as soon as I check on the kids."
"Now, Tara."
Apparently, I couldn't put this off any longer. I got up early this morning and we left before he woke up. So, I followed Jax to the chapel. I would take whatever came my way. When the door slammed, I knew what kind of talk this would be.
"You knew, didn't you?"
"Knew about what?" Of course, I already knew what he was referring to. This would be one time, he would have to earn it. Instead of me caving before him to surrender to what he wanted. I'd witnessed him do this to others before. They tried to drag it out of him. Yet he gave them nothing, myself included.
"Don't play with me, Tara."
"Play what?"
"About Thomas. The fact my brother has been alive all these years."
"No, I didn't know until yesterday like everyone else."
Jax was about to lose his patients with the situation. But I didn't care. I had lost mine so many times for nothing to ever change. Welcome to my club; a sad old lady's club.
"Is this how you plan to end it? Do you really think I will give up my family or my club without a fight?"
"What are you talking about, Jax? I have no idea what you mean."
Jax kept rambling on with more things I truly didn't understand the meaning of it. Thomas and Kyle were the focus of many of them. Almost at a stammer at moments when Jax spoke. As his temper would flare, his emotion made him pull back.
"You need to listen to me carefully. I will not let my family go. Or let them take my club from me. I love you, Tara. But if you cross me…"
"You'll do what, Jax?" It was out there and couldn't be taken back now. He refused to go on with our conversation. As loudly as the door slammed behind him. I already knew the answer. I guess, I always knew the real answer.
With my head held high, I went out to the bar. I would not back down any longer. I would not be backed in the corner. I would not give up.
Only, I found myself alone. No one was in here, even my children were gone. My breathing deepened, my heart rate spiked to high levels. When I ran out the door, I saw them. They were playing on the swings with Tig and a couple of crow eaters.
"I'm with my children, I don't need you to be." The two girls didn't pay a bit of attention to what I said.
"Go." Once Tig motioned his head, they walked away. One they got out of eat shot. "Are you okay, doll?"
"I will be." It made me hold Thomas even tighter to me. While I watched my other children play and Ellie read her book. "Are you okay? You don't look so good either." Tig was rather on the pale side. He didn't seem like his usual self.
"I don't know anymore."
"Ellie, can you take the boys over to the picnic table? We will go get something to eat soon." I did the same, waited until they couldn't hear us. "What's wrong, Tig?"
"I used to know who I am, what I am meant to do. Now, I feel lost in my own club. Jax is cutting me out more every day. Not that I don't deserve some of it for the shit I've done. I just don't feel the love of the brotherhood anymore. Even though we do very bad things. There was a time I still felt like we did something right. We were the good guys. Bobby always helped me keep my head straight. Now, he's gone."
"Then, you need to get out. It's not too late…"
"It's been too late for me, for years." He gave me a kiss to the forehead before he walked away.
"Tig." He only waved over his shoulder on his way back inside the clubhouse. "Come with us. We are going to get something to eat." I got nothing from him. Not even a wave this time.
"What's wrong with him?" Ellie took notice of it too.
"I don't know, honey."
We went to eat. I wasn't hungry though. I set with them while they finished their food. Slowly sipped on a cup of coffee until they were ready to go.
When we got home they didn't even argue about taking a bath. Well Abel, didn't tonight. The rest were pretty good about just doing it. They were as tired as I was because they plopped down in the living room. I put in a movie, made small bowls of popcorn for them.
The next thing I knew, the television was turned off. I raised up when I saw Jax in front of it. I woke up all the kids to go to bed except Kenny. I couldn't get him to wake up. I went to lift him off the couch when Jax stopped me.
"I've got him." Jax made carrying Kenny look easy. I gave him a kiss on the forehead and to Abel before I pulled back his covers for him to jump in bed. We did our nightly routine. I moved to the door out of the way so Jax could tell him goodnight.
"I love you, little man."
"Love you too, Daddy."
Before Jax made it to the light switch. "Will you stay with me and George until we fall asleep?"
"Yeah." Jax was tucked behind Abel. It gave his son the security he needed so badly. With George at the foot of the bed laying on their feet and legs.
Pray you had the ability to stand on the outside of your life and see how your decisions effected those around you. The ones you loved and lived your life for. At other times, you didn't want to see what effect it had on them but you still had to. When I saw Jax with our son, how happy Abel was his daddy was with him. It was one of those good moments in time. They came too little though. I had to walk away from it. I should have been crying but I just couldn't let it show.
A mother's work wasn't what was always the best for herself or the easiest things to face. But it still had to be done. I felt there was a little life in me yet to live. A lot of strength left for me to fight for my children. However, it didn't stop plaguing my mind with all the things we should have said but we didn't. All the things we should have done but we never did. All the things we should have given but we couldn't. I had to shake off before it over powered me.
SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~
"First you want to meet in an alleyway. Now out in public at a park with your children nearby. I hope you have a plan in place."
"Do you have them?" It wasn't hard for me to ignore his remark. I only had one agenda on my mind. The plan would fall in place over time. On a crow's wing and a prayer, I had to believed it.
"Yes." He held out the large brown envelope but held on to it as I went to take it from him. "I suggest you use this far away from Charming." The advice he gave wasn't necessary because I knew what was at stake. What would happen if I stayed too close by. What I would lose if I got caught.
Before I gave him the money, I checked to make sure it was what I wanted and what we agreed upon. I had new physician's credentials, identifications for me and my children. "Thank you." I kept my end of our bargain. Gave him the cash for it. There was nothing left to do here but gather up my children and do what I had to next.
"Ms. Tara."
"Yes."
"Be safe. If Jax finds you once you leave…"
"I know what I'm doing. You be safe too, Marcus. Thanks again."
The kids never asked who I was talking to or why even. It was better this way. For them to know nothing. I caught Ellie out of the corner of my eye staring at me as I drove down the road. But she didn't ask any questions either and I never volunteered any information.
"Why can't we go. Mommy?"
"I'm only going to be gone for a couple of hours baby. You stay here with Ellie and be good. When I get back, we will do something special tonight, okay?"
"Okay." Abel wasn't happy about the situation but he agreed to stay without too much of a fuss.
Thomas was outside at the picnic table waiting for Jax's return. He made himself at home. It didn't bother him if they wanted him here or not. Gemma was also near. She wasn't taking a chance on Thomas being alone with the club. She knew the dangers it could bring.
"You seem to adjust well to the news of being a long lost Teller son."
"I roll with what each day brings. I live life to the full extent and I have no regrets if tomorrow doesn't come around for me. Honestly, it's sort of nice having someone who cares about you, I haven't had that in a very long time. Gemma is great. Watch this." The next part Thomas made sure he said it loud enough she could hear him too. "I am thirsty as hell. I sure could use something to drink."
Gemma was immediately by her son's side. "What do you want baby; water, coffee, tea or a beer? I'll get it for you."
"A glass of ice water would be nice. Maybe add a slice of lemon in it."
"I'll be right back." I'd never witnessed Gemma hustle so fast to do anything. She was taking care of her baby.
Thomas was all smiles when she brought it out to him. But she was too. It made her happy to have him here. Maybe Kyle and I did one thing right out of all of this mess. We reunited a mother with her son.
"I sure could use a sandwich to go with this."
"Let me get you one." Gemma only cared about him and his happiness at this moment in her life. The crappy and chaotic life she lived, she deserved some joy. Honestly, it made me smile at them as well.
The small soft droplets of rain began to fall. I needed to get going. "You should watch your back, Thomas. Just in case."
"I'm like a cat, I got nine lives. Me and Kyle have survived so much shit. It's almost as if you can't kill us. We still have a few lives left to go. Don't you worry about me."
"Wait, you and Kyle exactly what do you mean?"
"Did he ever tell you why he left the military?"
"Yes."
Kyle had run down the basic scenario of why he left but not all the very important details surrounding his departure. He took the place of Thomas on that day in the convoy. Someone or maybe something took him to safety after it was over. He was the only one out of twelve to survive, he was meant to die with the others. They had to pack or drag him for miles to get to the hospital from the dessert. No one including Kyle knew the real story of what truly happened to him. From Thomas' description they experienced many escapes from death when they shouldn't have survived. I had my own theory on it; John Teller.
"Well, I gotta go. See you later."
"Bye, honey."
As I pulled out of the parking lot. I witnessed mommy Gemma wiping off the water from the rain on Thomas' bike seat with a towel. "I'm surprised she isn't wiping his ass and applying powder by now."
Before I made it to the gate, Ellie stopped me. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." She had a black bag in her hand.
"What's that for?"
She just shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. In case we take a trip or something."
In fact, Ellie knew exactly why she gave it to me. It was her subtle way of telling me so. I forgot just how perspective this little girl really was. Inside of it held her most precious items; Donna's bible, her diary and a small photo album of the family she once knew. Along with clothes and other things. I zipped it back up and tossed it in the back seat. I had several stops to make. One of them would create a safety net for all of us.
With a deep breath, I knocked on the door. "Come in."
"You said my check is ready."
Margret closed the door and asked me to take a seat. "You're not coming back, are you, Tara?"
"No, I'm not. But no one can know until I'm gone. You've been very kind to me. I don't have many friends, I will miss you a lot." This is where I tried to leave it. Let it go and not bring her in my world any deeper.
"Where are you going?"
"I can't tell you. It's better if you don't know."
The emotions broke through as I tried to keep them concealed. We hugged, cried and spoke of better times to come. She had encouraged me to leave a long time ago. If I had listened I wouldn't be so messed up now. But then again, I wouldn't have all my babies either.
"Will you at least let me know you're safe?"
"I will. Thanks for everything, Margret."
It was on to the next place. On to a brighter future. However, the look on the bank teller's face was priceless. When I told her what I wanted to do with my retirement fund. "I want it all in cash. Please."
She, of course, did not have the authority to do so with such a large amount of money. Her manager was whom I dealt with next.
"Mrs. Teller, it is not advised nor is it safe. To walk around with this kind of money on you. We don't recommend it. Perhaps, we can give you a few thousand dollars today and you can deposit the rest in your account."
"Perhaps, no. I'll just take it in cash, now." I smiled back at her while firmly insisting upon it.
Once I existed the bank, I had to stash the money. I must have looked in my rear view mirror a thousand times in route there. If they found out, I would suffer the consequences of it.
Before I entered the parking garage at the airport, I checked one more time before I pulled inside. At the guard's gate, I added another week's worth of parking fees to my spot. Then carefully climbed up on the concrete barrier. My fingers ran along the ledge of the beam connected to the roof. Until I found the spare set of keys I had put there.
Just as the key hit the trunk lock to Ellie's car, I seen his shadow. "Stalk much?"
"What are you doing, girl? You need to think this through. I know what you're up to already. It won't be long before Jax catches on too."
"Jax isn't as perceptive as you think he is. I haven't worked in weeks and he hasn't even noticed it. If it doesn't affect his world, it doesn't concern him any. Although, I thought, you of all people. Would support my decision to get out."
"I do support it. But, not if you plan to run with the kids. Jax will find you and he will hurt you. Just how long do you think you will last on the run with them?"
"It's a chance I am willing to take to save my children. If I don't get them out soon, I never will. There are no more options left for me."
"Yeah, I figured that's what you'd say. There is one option, the outcome is still going to happen if we leave Charming or not. The sooner you accept it Tara, the easier this will be on both of us."
"I am doing this. Even if I have to do it all alone." With both bags thrown in the trunk. I slammed it shut. I had shut out, shut down and shut up on a lot of things in my life. There was no turning back for me now.
Kyle picked up my hand and squeezed it in his. "You are not alone, girl. Not as long as I'm still alive."
We said our goodbyes and parted ways quickly. We both knew the danger of us being seen together. Besides, I promised Abel we would do something special tonight and I would keep that promise to my baby.
On the drive back, I couldn't get him out of my mind. When I saw the crows fly above me in the sky. I knew it was time.
You never knew where the day would lead to when you woke in the morning. What adventurous ride it would take you on. Not even if you would end up six feet under before it was over or not.
That fateful day when I stood near Donna's casket and held out Jax's leather for him to put it on. I had no idea what I had done or what it set in motion. I welcomed it in and now it was here to collect the toll. It all started here in this cemetery. Time after time it brought me back here. In front of John's tombstone, I stood once again. The uncertainty was still there but no longer fear for me. It doesn't take courage to stand up for the wrong. It takes courage to stand up against the wrong for the right.
"Failure is not an option. I will make you proud. I will finish what you and Donna started. I will save my children."
There was a small amount of emptiness when I left each time. Some of it could be I felt guilty. Or even I felt their emptiness from when they were alive. John and Donna experienced it a lot over their lifetime. I thought about them until I reached the parking lot. Which no one was around except Tig.
"Where is Thomas and Gemma?"
"Thomas left before Jax got back. Gemma is in the chapel talking to Jax."
"You left her alone with Jax?" Panic stricken, I was running to get to her as quickly as I could.
"Was I not supposed to?" Tig had no idea what was about to come. But I did and I would try to stop it.
It wasn't hard to tell where they were. The yelling from the chapel gave it away. "Ellie, take the boys outside and wait for me."
Tig stepped aside for them to pass. He was confused about what was going on. I wasn't certain what I would find when I opened the chapel doors. But it wasn't as bad as I thought, Gemma was up in Jax's face.
"It's not a threat, Jackson. It's a promise."
Gemma wouldn't tell me what happened between them before she left. I kept quizzing her about it with no results. I only knew the line in the sand had been drawn. The one to cross it first, all hell would break loose from there on. A hell like none of the Sons had ever seen or felt before.
SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~ SOA~SOA
"Ah, do I have to take a bath?"
"Yes, Abel you have to take a bath. Now, hurry up we are going to be late."
Kenny was dressed already. Other than he needed help with his tie, he wasn't a problem at all. Of course, Thomas went with the flow when I got him ready.
"Wow. You look so pretty." It seemed Ellie grew up more every day. When I first saw her, all I could do is smile. My little girl wasn't going to be considered little much longer. "I have something for you."
From the dresser drawer, I took out of the box from what Kyle found when he cleaned out Dad's house. Ellie all dressed up in a white cotton dress and white low heels stood in front of the mirror. The two strands of pearls completed her outfit. Once I did the gold claps, I stepped back to just look at her.
"Those were my mother's. She let me wear them in the house to play dress up. I would clunk around in her high heels and I thought I was special. I want you to feel special, Ellie. Because you are. Don't ever forget that."
"I love you, Tara."
"I love you too, honey." It was the first time she spoke those words to me. I hoped to hear them again from her. We both had tears in our eyes when we parted our sweet embrace. "I better make sure Abel is done."
He wasn't of course. He was on his bed in his underwear humming. As though, he had nothing to do today. So, I assisted him with his clothes. It didn't go badly until I put his tie on.
"Ah, Mommy. Do I have to wear it?"
"Yes, Abel."
"It's chocking me."
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is."
Finally, after going back and forth a few times. I gave up and took the clip on tie off him. "I'll put it on when we get to church."
Before I could get them out the door my cell went off. When I saw the name flash across the screen. I knew what it would be about before I answered it.
"Hello."
"I can't make it for the kids. We got some shit going down and…"
"Jax, you promised Abel you will be there."
"Something came up or I would be."
"It doesn't even matter anymore. I forgive for you."
"You forgive me for what?" Jax was on the defensive side. Almost as though he had never done anything wrong to seek forgiveness for. I wasn't sure if he tried to convince me or himself.
"For everything." I pushed the button to end the call and got the kids to the car. Jax would not spoil the day for me or my children. Like he had for so many over the years.
It used to anger me when Jax would only give us just enough to keep us holding on. Holding on to the hope someday we could be a normal family. The hope it would just change one day overnight for the better.
But, it's what he done on a regular basis. It wasn't totally his fault though. It was partially mine for putting up with it to begin with. If he gave you a few precious moments of time today. It had to be enough to last until he was ready to do it again. I no longer carried anger in my heart because of it. I pitied him when he woke up to realize what he missed out on. If he ever did.
"Abel, the tie is going on and that's the last time I am going to say it." I had to practically chase him around the car outside the church. When I gave him my authority voice, he stopped in his tracks. He gave a long sigh and surrendered to it.
Underneath the big shade tree, I lined them up for a picture. With Ellie in the middle and Thomas in her arms. Abel on one side of her and Kenny on the other. Then I did a picture with each of them separately too.
"Get in the picture mom. I'll take it."
Gemma and Nero made it after all. I wasn't certain how it would go over with Jax. So, I told her to about it but left it up to her if she came or not.
"I wasn't sure you would come."
"Nothing keeps me from my grandsons." It was the truest statement Gemma had made in while. Sometimes she was a shitty mother in law. But a good grandma.
"One more picture with grandma and grandpa." I took the camera from her and waited until they were all ready.
"What about me?" He was an unexpected guest. But a welcomed one.
"Are you our family?" My son, always the innocent one to ask everything.
Thomas paused but there was no need. "Yes, he is our family, baby. He is your Uncle Thomas. Go get in the picture with them." After I took pictures of them all. I snapped a few of just Gemma and Uncle Thomas.
"Oh." It was the only thing Abel had to said. He didn't want to know more but later. I would tell him more about his uncle.
"Hi, Little G." We had another guest to witness their day. I'd say he came more today for Ellie, than anyone. Although, she said nothing to Kyle when he did her. "You're right, it's not that complicated. I came back."
"It took you long enough to come back." Ellie went on in the church with Kenny after her brief words were spoken.
"She'll come around. She loves you." Kyle only smiled but didn't reply back to me.
"Is Cody here?" Abel had high hopes he was.
"No, buddy."
"Where is he?"
"With his mommy."
"Oh." The disappointment was clearly heard from my son. He was still too young to understand why it had to be this way.
The sermon was already in progress when we went in. Abel gave a little wave to Gemma when we went by them. She smiled and waved back at him. I set him between me and Ellie to keep an eye on him. Also, to keep him quiet while the preacher was speaking.
"I know it is difficult to do. Sometimes, we must put our own pain aside, our own anger, pride and bitterness. It's what God desires us to do. As said in Luke; to you who are listening. I say love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you. You might even feel numb about the situation. Just know God hears you. I will close with Luke 15:32; But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again. He was lost and now is found. Be found. Find love in your hearts. The rest will fall in place. Now, I ask the Teller family to come down to the front."
In a single file, my children went to the front with me and Thomas. The preacher dipped a gold cup in the large concrete fountain in front of the church. "Ellie, I ask you read John 9:5 out loud for us, please." The preacher gave her a brief smile when he asked.
While I balanced Thomas on my hip, I took my mother's bible out of my purse. Handed it to her with an encouraging nod.
"As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world."
"Your mother would be so proud of you." The preacher said it low to her. Then he went on. "Please bow your heads. Bless this family if they ever lose their way. Walk with them in their time of need. Watch over them when the darkness falls and guide them to safety of the light. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
No sooner when the preacher finished the prayer, my world turned white. I no longer saw any shades of grey or even darkness. I no longer felt cold, scared or lonesomeness anymore. There was no more sorrow surrounding me, only the bright white light. Her eyes beamed into mine as she smiled upon my arrival. "Mom." It wasn't possible for me to be face to face with my mother who passed away all those years ago. But I knew every curve of her face, the smile she gave me so many times as a child.
"I love you, Tara. I never meant to hurt you. You are a strong woman, stronger than I ever was. The journey you take now, you are not alone. You have never been alone, I have been with you the entire time. You will do what is necessary to protect your family. What I failed to do."
As quickly as she came, she was gone from me once again. Down the tunnel I spiraled out of control with dangerous twist and turns. Only this time I didn't close my eyes, I wanted to see it, embrace it. This was my sign I was going in the right direction.
"Tara, are you okay?"
"I'm fine. We will all be fine." Ellie took a hold of my hand. She was the child, I should always be the one to console her. I clasped her hand tightly to let her know, I would always be here for her.
The preacher sprinkled water over Thomas' head. It was my choice with them being children if they were totally emerged or not. I felt this was the better way to go. He still batted his little eyes when the droplets ran down his face. "I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."
When the preacher moved down the line. Gemma came up to the front pew. "Give me the baby." She took Thomas so I could be with the others.
"I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Ellie did great. She had a sense of relief like I did. I knew in my heart I was doing the right thing with the kids and everything else in my life.
"Ah, do I gotta take another bath?"
"Abel." I put my finger to my lips for him to quiet down. He wiped his face on the sleeve of his dress shirt as soon as the preacher was done with him. It made me smile at my son.
It just left Kenny. Ellie was on one side of him and me on the other. He didn't seem to mind it nor did it truly phase him any. Actually, he never made much of a fuss, he went with the flow of whatever came.
When it ended, I wanted to speak with the preacher before we left. He was on the step shaking hands of members as they made their exit. "What is the meaning of what Ellie read out loud?"
"Good luck on your endeavors, Tara. May God be with you and your children." The preacher spoke in the same code as everyone else. Not a real answer to my questions.
"Are you going with us?" Gemma caught me off guard. I was in another frame of mind.
"Where are you going?"
They were headed to Thomas' place for a cook out. After I thought about it, I thought better of it. "You know I shouldn't go."
"It's just dinner. It doesn't really matter what Jax wants. He's gone anyway and won't know." There were many times, I thought like her. Jax would never find out only for him to do just that.
"Can we go, Mommy? Please."
It wasn't just Abel, Kenny joined in too. He never asked for anything. "Please, Tara."
"For a little while."
We followed Gemma and Nero. It was in the same direction as Kyle's house. It brought on a whole new set of emotions. Even more so, when we pulled up and he was here as well.
"I want you guys to change out of your nice clothes before you go play." I packed an extra set so if we went to the park or something afterwards they wouldn't get them dirty. When I was done rummaging through the bag. Abel had already started. He pulled off his tie and the vest over his head then threw it on the ground. His pants were pushed down to his ankles. His angry birds' underwear was shown to everyone. "I meant inside in the bathroom."
"Oh." Abel pulled up his pants but didn't button them. He gathered them at the zipper in his hand as went running after Kenny. "Wait for me."
"I think you might have a streakier on your hands." Thomas came out to help me carry in their stuff.
"I think you could be right." Thomas just laughed. I saw Grandma go inside with them. She would keep order until I made it.
"Is this your house?"
"It's my parents. Or who I thought were my parents. I haven't sold it yet but I need to. I usually stay here when I'm on leave."
"What about the horses?" They must have seven of them come up to the fence to see what all the commotion was about.
"I pay the neighbor to feed them and exercise them when I'm gone."
"Do you ride them?"
"Do I ride, hell yes I do. If it has hair on it, I can ride it." I wasn't sure at this point if Thomas was talking about actually riding horses or not. So, I let it go and went to check on my children.
Ellie and Kenny had changed their clothes. Gemma had Thomas in a pair of shorts and t-shirt already. That only left one, my little sweet son. I could hear Abel humming through the door. He was setting on the potty naked. For some reason, he had to be completely naked to take his poop. Once he finished his task, I got him dressed to go outside with the others.
Abel went to play with the kids. I went to join them watch Thomas ride. The sun beat down on his dark hair as he pranced around the corral as he was a performer. It glistened when he moved just right and a ray caught it. Each movement he made showed his tight iron muscles stand at attention. The fiery spirit burst to the outside of him. Yet he processed an elegance to him as well. "He is magnificent."
"Thomas is okay. But I wouldn't call him magnificent." Kyle gave me a giggle because I meant the horse.
Gemma however, felt that way about her son. She adored him from a far. The glow of a mother's love radiated from her. When we stopped watching, she didn't. You could tell she could do this for hours and still want to see more.
Thomas was asleep in Nero's arms. He had a big day without a nap. I took him to find a place I could lay him down at. The couch had a chase lounger at the end of it. I piled pillows around him so he didn't roll off.
The house was decorated nicely inside. You could feel the love the family had in the photographs displayed. Thomas was the center of their universe. I had to stop to think. There wasn't a single photo in my house with all of us in it at one time. It was sad really. We only had remints of moments we shared. Nothing that dated us together as ever a true family.
Gemma and Thomas came in too so he could start dinner. She wanted the details for each picture. From little league, boy scouts, Halloween outfits he wore to what looked like a rodeo he rode in as a teenager. I understood why. She tried to fill in the blanks of the time she missed out on with her child. But could you ever get it back once it passed by?
It was obvious Thomas was given more opportunities in life to succeed. He wasn't raised in chaos like his brother. Yet, they all were raised in deceit and lies.
It was another monument mark of time for Gemma and Thomas to share. I didn't want to intrude on it so I went outside to let them have it in peace.
The kids were playing loudly with frogs they found in a water hole. They were having a good time. I looked around for Ellie but didn't see her. When I finally found her, she was at the back of the house under a shade tree crying.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on with you?" She was hesitant and didn't want to. "You can talk to me, honey."
"Are you going to leave me and Kenny? Do we have to go back and live with Lyla?"
"What would make you think that? Of course, I'm not."
"You met with that guy in the park yesterday. He's a gang member just like my dad. I saw you give him an envelope for an envelope. Nothing good can come from it. Mommy wouldn't take the envelope the people tried to give her when we were at the police place. She died a couple of days later."
As I dried the tears Ellie shed. I would try to soothe her fears she lived with every day. "I will never leave you or your brother behind. You are both one of my children now. Kenny may not be old enough to understand this but I know you are. You can't tell anyone about it either. I was granted temporary custody of you and him. I still must go through the adoption process to get full custody. I can't replace Donna. But I will give you the best home I can." If I had a daughter, I would want her to be exactly like Ellie. Without the heartbreak and sorrow she had already experienced. She and I set in silence both contemplating our lives, fears and what would come next.
"Is everything okay?" Gemma came later to let us know it was about time to eat. We only smiled and nodded. She certainly didn't need to know what we just talked about.
Although it was a bit premature to say it was time to eat. The grill hadn't even been started yet. Kyle seemed a little irked at Thomas. "So, you invite us over here. Then give us a horse show. While you expected me to just cook it and do all the work."
"Well, yeah. I don't know why you are so surprised by this, Kyle. I've seen me do it before."
"Oh shit." They went into the kitchen still bickering with each other about who would do what. Apparently, Kyle found it easier to just do it all. While he prepared the grill. Thomas set down in the lawn chair with a beer in his hand to tell us another story about his life. He really loved the attention he was getting.
Someone else had something they needed to say. Ellie finally made her way over to Kyle. "I'm glad you're back."
"Me too, Little G."
She didn't get to close to him but, it was a start. She came back to set down beside me. It was fear of him leaving her again. The fear of being totally alone in this world without anyone who really cared or loved you. If she only knew what he put on the line and was sacrificing for her, for all of us.
When Kyle raised his head up from the grill. He noticed I was completely mesmerized. He gave his sweet smile and it melted me. I had to look away from him.
"Tara." I don't even know how long Gemma had said my name. "It's time to eat, come on."
First, I made Abel's plate. By the time I got to Kenny, he had already done it with Kyle. Kenny was such a forgiving child and he was happy Kyle came back. Kenny had no reservations of what happened in the past. He held no grudges against life. I only hoped he grew up to be the same way.
As I went to clear the table. Kyle did it. "I got it." I couldn't miss the fact he didn't want my help.
"I'll help do the dishes."
"I'll do them." Kyle cut me off again. He went inside and I followed him.
"I noticed you've kept your distance from me today. I guess I did the same with you too. I didn't want…"
"I love you, girl and I always will." Kyle's kiss was sweet filled with passion as he pressed it his lips to mine.
"Whoops, sorry to interrupt." Nero had his hands full of dishes when he came through the sliding glass door.
"It's okay. I got to go anyway." Kyle had said his goodbye to me already. So many times, in so many different ways. He slapped Nero on the back and he was gone.
Quickly, I turned around to the sink to fill a glass of water. More so, to hide what I felt. I had to bury it deep because nothing could get in the way of what I had to do.
"You know, I thought of hundreds of reasons. Of why Gemma and I shouldn't be together and why it wouldn't work out between us. But it always went back to the one reason we should be; I love her and she completes me." Nero set the dishes on the counter but didn't push the issue any farther. "We're leaving too. We'll see you later."
Once I blew my nose and splashed some cold water on face. I went to gather up my children to leave. Thomas seemed sad his company was all going home. I gave him a hug and thanked him for having us.
It ended up being a good day after all. One that was shared among family as it should be. But it wasn't so good when we got back to the clubhouse. The news Tig had for me, made it turn to shit quickly.
"Roosevelt was here to pick you up for something. He wouldn't tell me what is was about. He told me to call him as soon as you got back. If you want to leave, I'll tell him I never saw you."
"I'll go in on my own. Will you watch the kids for me?" Of course, their father was nowhere around. Just like usual the club came first and that was where he was at, handling club business. There was no telling what they wanted to interrogate me about this time. Although, I was kept in the dark so much. I really didn't know anything to tell them.
It wasn't Roosevelt who wanted to talk to me. It was the same ATF agents again. "I haven't done anything. If you brought me here to find out something about the club or Jax. It's a waste of time. I don't know about club business as I have told you before."
"Mrs. Teller, this for your own protection and your children's as well."
Before the agent would tell me anything further. He laid down a series of photos out on the table. All of them were of me and or my children. Obviously they were taken before my vehicle was blown up because there were several shots of it included.
"We found a folder of these pictures in a car of a person who was shot to death. You were their target. There are only a couple of scenarios that truly apply to this situation. Your husband and the Sons of Anarchy got cross ways with them and they were using you to hurt the club. Or it was your husband and the club calling the shots on the hit. We were monitoring this induvial's criminal activities for a while."
The last photo the agent laid on the table was of Jax standing beside them. It was in a wooded area I wasn't familiar with.
"Son of a bitch." I grabbed my purse and I was done with this shit. One action or event sets off another series of them. The web of lies we spun was about to come down and capture us all. "I gotta get out of here."
"Mrs. Teller, wait." I heard him but I wasn't stopping. He would have to arrest me. The agent didn't catch up until I reached the door to leave. "Please, take my card. If you feel threatened. Call me, I will…"
"You can't help me. No one can."
I hope you enjoyed reading me!
There will be three parts to this instead of only two. I got carried away. As usual, it might not all make sense until I post the other parts of it.
Thank you for staying with the story. We are approaching the end. I wrote the final paragraph today!