Chapter 38

Angels and Outlaws

Part 2 of 14

Chapter 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, and 43 have been posted. Make sure to read them all. This isn't the end yet. We still have another 6 or 7 chapters to go.

Life changed before our eyes. Today was a big one. I had locked down my future and what it held in time to come. With a pair of scissors in hand. I cut through the long red ribbon that hung on the door. The kids and Kyle put it on there for me to feel special and show their support for my dreams.

"The clinic is officially open."

We went out for a family celebration afterwards. The kids loved pizza and that's the place we found. A place they could have fun and we could just sit down to relax while they done so. Even though tomorrow was brand new day. The fear of failure still stoked the anxiety. If I failed at my practice, it wasn't just myself on the line. My family's well being was too.

Fear to change was the enemy of success. We all liked a cozy, neatly wrapped life. Where we knew where we were going to, the safe route to take to get there. Especially, what to expect once we arrived at our desired destination. Surprises were great in life as long as they were the good ones. The bad ones, not so much.

Growth was impossible without change. Just as growth and comfort cannot coexist with one another. If you were never allowed to change your mind on things. You never learned anything new nor progressed in life to new perspectives. However, it also meant plenty of risk involved as well.

It was the one thing Gemma, Jax or the club never excepted or understood, change from their way of life. She pushed everyone to stay in the realm of a comfortable surrounding. Kill it if it disagrees with you, causes a problem or fuck it up if it gets in your way. I fell in the trap as well when I became more like her.

But, no more. I wanted my children to explore all their options and determine for themselves the best path in life to take. Not that I wouldn't disagree with them from time to time. It was impossible for them to grow without making their life their own. No matter what though, I would always be there to catch them when they fell from grace or fell on hard times.

From Thomas' room, I watched my baby sleep in blissful rest. I rocked my way throughout the dark night. I sipped hot tea until I finally got drowsy enough to lay down.

The knowing of yourself was just the beginning of wisdom. Tonight, I lay my head with the wisdom of letting all the stress and worries go for a few hours. To let the comfortable sleep and positive thoughts of the future take them over. I would worry about tomorrow when it came. I looked at the clock once more before I finally drifted off.

Once I got up to stop the alarm from blaring and showered, the morning started. So did the next chapter in life and my future. Was I ready for it? I honestly wasn't sure.

Yet it was too late to back out now. As most things I had done in the past were, it was to late to reverse it. Today forward would write itself. The story of the history I made or how I should have done things differently.

Although, I spent the entire day pacing the floor waiting on someone, anyone to stop in. But, they didn't. You had to build a practice over time and I knew that going in to it. It still didn't make the day any better.

"They will come." We were watching The Field of Dreams on television. After I put in an exhausting day of doing absolutely nothing at my new job behind me.

"You built the clinic, they will come, girl."

"Yeah, they will." Sure I spoke those words with confidence. It didn't change the outcome though.

After one week went by and not a single patient. I started to doubt my decisions. Then out of nowhere. I heard a voice ask the receptionist if we had an appointment available.

It was only a simple cold she had. But, she got the royal treatment from me. As I would give all my patients. This was solved with antibiotics, a smile and the love of healing people. Now, I only hoped I would see another person before two more weeks ticked on. Not to mention I had racked up a pile of bills to pay.

The necessary evil came of figuring out how much I owed and had to payout. Which, it killed off the afternoon easily. Before I went home I wrote a check to the receptionist.

As an older person who was retired. She welcomed the small salary to do the job. After I heard her story, it was more about getting out of the house and have a social life than the money. That was good for me at least. This job wouldn't pay much at first and I couldn't offer her any benefits at the moment. Yet, she didn't mind it.

After I locked the door behind her. I couldn't wait to reach the sanction of my four walls at home. A place where I wasn't judged, I could relax and most of all see the ones I loved.

Kyle had the kids doing their choirs when I arrived. He believed disciplined children were better behaved children. They all had jobs to do daily, then weekly. I had to admit, he was fair with them but stern as well. He brought the right balance to their lives.

If you watched my children, they worked together to get things done. At times, I didn't even need to say help out the other. They just done it on their own.

"Hi, Mommy." Abel gave me a quick greeting on his way out the door behind Kyle and Kenny.

"Hi, baby."

Once the work was done, it was play time. The boys threw a baseball around or football. Tonight, they were working on Kenny's swing. We signed him up on a youth league and he loved it. It gave him a sense of belonging to something outside of home. There he was just a common little boy with no past for anyone to judge. It was the best part about the move, no one knew anything about us.

Since they would be awhile I went to start dinner. But it was already done for me. The table was set and a huge pot of chili along with a big pan of hotdogs was on the stove.

It left laundry on my to-do list. Only Ellie was on top of that. The washer was going and so was the dryer. She had a folded basket of clothes ready to be put away. It was a task I would complete. With as many people we had living here. There was a ton of clothes, towels and blankets to do daily.

The house looked good and smelled amazing when I took one final inspection of what was left to do. This was a new concept for me. I didn't have full responsibility anymore for everything. It was shared between us. With the hours I had put in at the clinic, I leaned on Kyle even more I found.

With my hair up in a ponytail I put on a t-shirt and pair of short. The summer was coming to an end. Soon it would be cooler, get dark earlier and we wouldn't spend so much time outside. But, for now I enjoyed watching the boys play from the front porch in my rocking chair. From the chair I took a different view. I was the queen of my castle.

For me, when I done something, I usually done it all the way or nothing. It included good things and bad as well. Since we started the tradition of setting out here in the evening just to enjoy the time we spent together. From this spot, it was anything you wanted it to be; the past, the present or the future. It began here with us and it would end here too. I would rather rock in my old age and only regret a few things. Than I would to regret never trying.

Our relationship was something still up in the air with no definite path to take or direction to go in. For now, it was enough just the way it was.

Thomas was tired already of running around as he took his time getting up the stairs. He crawled up in my lap. It was a pleasant time with my baby in my arms and to see my others so happy today.

"Tara, they just called you." The message Ellie handed me ended that great feeling I just had.

The lawyer wanted me to call. It was the decision I dreaded to hear and paced the floor at night to finally get. My trembling fingers dialed the number.

"The judge has reached their decision. Can you and Mr. Brandon be in their chambers in the morning?"

"Yes."

We search every single avenue we could take to keep our family together. To not lose our babies. The night couldn't pass quickly enough.

Yet, I must have checked on my children so many times throughout it. I knew it wouldn't change the outcome. I knew they wouldn't come in the middle of the night and tear them away from me. I knew I had to keep my family together at all cost.

"What do you think the judge will say?"

"I don't know, girl."

"Do you think they will allow you to adopt them?"

"I don't know, girl."

The questions we had were about to be answered. The attorney came to get us. She did offer words of advise before we went through the justice doors.

"Be yourselves. Answer the questions honestly." I hated to tell her honesty sometimes was over fucking rated. It only put you in a worse situation than you started out in.

"Before we begin. I would like to show you something." The judge picked up a remote from her desk. It was the taped interview conducted by the judge with Kenny and Ellie.

Poor Kenny looked scared while she asked him questions. He only spoke when spoken to. His answers were most of the time only yes or no. But it was at the end. It made me cry.

"Please don't take us from Kyle and Tara. Other than Mommy and Grandpa they are the ones that loves us." It also amazed me Kenny spoke of Piney. He must still have thoughts of his grandpa and missed him so much. With them was the only time I seen Piney become gentler, he cared for them. He loved them the only way he knew how. Maybe it was true what they said, you can correct the mistakes you made with your children when you had grand children.

Kenny would suffer the most from this. His sister would soon be old enough to make her own decisions. But, he was just a child. Persons in dysfunctional families characteristically learned from a young age that not feeling was necessary for psychic survival and they become damaged for life. It was what I learned from my own family growing up.

His mother sacrificed her life, so they could have a better one. I would do everything in my power to make it happen. Donna would not have died in vain.

It was my daughter's turn, my very outspoken daughter. That melted my heart. "Tara is like the sun. She is always there for us. We feel her warmth she passes on. Mommy wants us to be with her." I had brief moment of a relapse from the past. I couldn't breathe, I felt the weight of the world on my chest just baring the worry down on it. If I lost them, it would crush me.

When Kyle touched my hand. I tried to go back to watching Ellie and to wait on my own internal melt down for later. "Kyle treats us like his children. I've never felt as protected and stable as I do with them. Not even when my father was around, when he wasn't in jail." I wasn't certain which child made me cry the hardest. Yet, I was a blubbering mess.

"Mrs. Teller, are you alright to continue?" I only nodded to the judge. "It is my job to determine what is in the best interest of the children. What is the most suitable. It's not always an easy task."

The judge gave us the same speech we already expected. She would not allow Kyle to adopt them on his own either. Without going through due process which could take months or years for that matter. It would end up a legal court battle to keep them with us.

"I have served my country, I pay my bills, I have no record of anything bad and I love those kids. This is bullshit..."

"Mr. Brandon, no one is saying you haven't served your country. It is the only reason I am allowing this hearing. Your record is impeccable. But, that doesn't make you in a suitable living condition for the children."

"What if Tara and I were married? Can we adopt them then?" My head shot directly at Kyle. The look on my face should have said it all.

"It is not the situation today you are in and that is what I will rule on. I am however extending the temporary custody to Mrs. Teller for three more months. In those months; there will be mandate home inspections, court check ins for the children and constant contact with updates to the court." She banged her gavel. Her words were the law of what would happen. "We will meet again in three months."

Even with these new details. It still left us on the confused side. Our attorney just shrugged when we asked her.

"Your honor, may I ask a question?"

"Go ahead, Mrs. Teller?"

"Was I granted the extension because of the children's testimony?"

"It is due to Mr. Teller's testimony. Which, is why I granted it. If you will excuse me, I am due in court now."

We received no farther explanation from the judge. We weren't given details of what Jax had done or said to her. We weren't told why mercy had been cast for this family. We weren't going to be ripped apart. At least not today.

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Never judge others. You both know good and well how unexpected events can change who a person is.

Always keep that in mind. You never know what someone else is experiencing within their own life.

Collen Hoover

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A turn or two I'll walk. To still my beating mind.

William Shakespeare

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When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority,

but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

John 16:13

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Just when you thought you had a grip on where life would take you next, you really didn't know. At some point, the same universe touched the past, present and it connected to your future. The past gave you an identity which you proudly displayed or totally changed what it once was. The future held the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both were just illusions.

There were times in our lives when we had to realize our past was precisely what it was, and we couldn't change it or ex sponge it from our memory. But we could change the story told about it. By doing so we changed how the future was formed. The future depended upon what you done today. Life could only be understood backwards; but you had to live it forward to see how it would all turn out. It was the hardest part; should of, could of, would of but didn't.

The light knock came upon my door. After I slipped my robe on, I went to answer. I expected one of the kids who couldn't sleep, needed a drink or got frightened in the dark night. Only I found him, with his bare chest rising and falling with each breath he took in as it pressed against me.

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore, girl."

"Then don't."

While I was in his arms there was no past or future before us, only now. There was no fear or anxiety. There was only two people melting into each other in bliss for hours.

When I try to pinpoint the exact feeling of it I couldn't. It was like a sense of urgency coming over you, taking control of you. But knowing you had all the time in the world with no rush. It was hands, mouths, bodies and souls with no real destination or motive but to be one while together.

It wasn't rushed though, but I was excited to rush into it. We were covered in sweat, but it never even crossed our minds. There was no self-consciousness; just pure, in the moment of ecstasy. It gave me back to myself. A homecoming, into my own body. It unraveled all of my insecurities while it made me more aware of my own sexual being.

Most of those feelings came from feeling safe with him. I could surrender so deeply with him that I would just melt into nothingness. Yet still feel totally loved, adored and wanted by him. He led me where he wanted to go. There was an art to being able to lead and allowing me to follow and vise versa. Sometimes there was a push and pull in our energies.

The guidance from me he excepted allowed my first orgasm to come in a slow vibrating wave. Starting at my ankles, arching into my back and flowing out of the top of my head. It felt like the best drug known to a woman. Until you were both consumed by it, the burning sensation of pleasure. Until your bodies were unable to give the other anything else. Until the next time they met.

Or Perhaps until the sun came up and I felt him move off the bed. Quietly Kyle put his clothes on but not before another knock came. It was Abel, he was hungry.

"I'll stay in the bathroom until you get Abel in the kitchen or something." Kyle had concern for all the children. In most cases, he shown it on a regular bases for Abel. More so than the other children but never would discuss why with me. I pressed him again to see if he would give me an answer this time.

"Thomas is too young, he won't remember all the bad things. Kenny and Ellie they've always seen us as Kyle and Tara. But Abel, he knows who Jax is and still remembers. I..." Kyle was interrupted with little hands knocking on the door again.

"I'm coming, baby."

The rest of them followed after Abel. They were awake, hungry and started their day. We gathered at the table as a family to enjoy some Sunday morning pancakes. Along with the conversations that took place around the table.

With the sticky sweet syrup dripping off them, cinnamon sugar to heighten your senses, topped with a creamy scoop of whip cream to tie it all together. Each bite of this sinful treat was thoroughly enjoyed too.

What I enjoyed in the night time, was just as sweet and sinful. We would slip into the others room after the kids were asleep. Careful to not get caught. While we pleased the other to the early morning hours. We were having an affair in our house and no one cared but us.

Kyle flipped on the new television he bought for his room. The news was on, I could tell before I opened my eyes. When I rolled over, I felt the remote poke me in the back. He was quick to recover it before I could reach it. I thought it was sort of strange. The remote was resting on his chest as I went to reach for it again.

"No, girl." The more I tried to get it, the higher he held it up in the air.

"Are you serious, I can't touch it."

"Yep. If I leave this house, it's going with me." Then I understood what he meant. He had given up everything in this past relationship and for some reason. This television was what he chose to hold on to for himself.

"You will have sex with me but I can't touch your remote."

"That's right girl, but I got something else you can touch."

It became a fun wrestling match. But then again, they all were in one form or another. We had several rendezvous weekly. It was our little secret. No one was the wiser.

That was until one Saturday morning. We forgot to lock the bedroom door. The kids came through it without knocking. I dove under the covers in Kyle's bed. He kept piling pillows around me in hopes they wouldn't notice the big lump in the middle of it.

"Do you know where Mommy is?"

"Maybe she's is in the kitchen making breakfast."

"I already looked there."

"Maybe she went to town."

"Her car is here."

For everything, reason or excuse Kyle came up with. Abel had a counter for it. It was hot as hell with the covers over my head but I held perfectly still in hopes they were going to leave the room soon.

"Maybe she went to see the dogs."

"Lets go look."

When the little heard of children went down the hallway and the door closed. I quickly shoved down the covers to take in a cool breath.

"Good morning, Tara." To my surprise, there stood Ellie with her arms crossed standing in front of the door. I wasn't certain what to say, we got busted. Although, my daughter had a lot to say still. "You are both adults. You have sex, so what. Get over yourselves. Behave like adults and stop sneaking around about it. You'd ground me if I pulled anything close to this crap and kept it from you."

Once I knew for certain the door closed behind her this time, I got up to get dressed. "I guess she told us."

"I guess she did, girl."

For the rest of the morning, we kept our distance from each other. It wasn't that hard to do. I had a list of things I needed to get done today and so did he. Kyle enlisted Boomer's help on the basement. We had to provide each child with their own room. We had already converted the small study as a nursery for Thomas. It was next to my room anyway. There still was a problem to be solved by dividing Abel and Kenny up with their own. So, once they finished the basement, Kyle would move downstairs. Then Kenny would take his.

When I walked in from the store, I heard loud noises, banging on stuff and the occasional curse words from downstairs. The guys were still at it. I had spent most of the day doing errands. After I put the groceries away I went to see what was going on.

"You got a lot done today."

"We're getting there, girl."

"How's Nicole?"

"Pregnant, bitchy." Boomer gave a simple explanation. He was home on leave to be here for the birth. Which, she was already overdue a few days.

We took in Cody. Most of the time we had five children so Nicole could rest. It really wasn't any trouble since she had been on her own. Cody was well behaved and spent most of his time with Abel and Kenny.

"What is that noise?" There was a loud buzz that kept passing by the basement window. I heard it several times but never seen anything.

"About that, girl."

Kyle didn't need to explain further as Kenny accelerated at a high speed on his go-cart past me. Then came Abel and Cody around the house in a motorized jeep. A shiny black new toy for them. Complete with light up roll bar on top of it. They weren't going as fast as Kenny but still fast enough.

"I can't believe you bought that. They will get hurt."

"You're a doctor, if they do, you will fix it. You told me I had to let Ellie grow up, you have to let the boys too. Getting hurt is a part of life, bumps and bruises will heal."

My children were the reason I got up every morning. Most smiles, they put on my face. You never comprehended a parents love until you became one. Or what it must have been like for your own parents to let go. You should never worry when you thought a child wasn't listening well. But you should fear the fact they were always watching you.

Although parents could only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. Along with what they remembered seeing throughout their childhood. You either influenced their decisions or they made changes to be nothing like you.

"Abel's has a bolt so the accelerator can't go very fast. I should have talked to you first, girl. They get board out here."

"I need to start dinner."

While I chopped potatoes I got out most of my aggression. I had to face it, Kyle was better with the boys about somethings as I was with Ellie on somethings. In the end, we done our children no favors by not allowing them to grow.

"Mommy, are you there? We want to place an order. Mommy." Abel and Cody used the walkie takies like a speaker for a drive through. Before I could get my hands wiped, I was summoned again. "Mommy."

"Yes, baby."

"We want two juice boxes, please."

"Okay, I'll be right there."

He pulled the jeep as close to the bottom step as he could get. I handed him the juice and they took off once again to play with their new toy. The way they laughed and were so carefree. It was a happy moment he would probably remember when he grew up, I knew I would. I set on the porch in the chair and just watched for a long time. Until I had to get back to dinner.

Kenny needed help with his math and Kyle was there for him. They came in the kitchen and sat at the table so they could spread out his homework. This was another way we helped them grow and expand their minds.

"I'm sorry." Kyle mouthed the words to me. I smiled back because I wasn't angry anymore.

From the frig I took the pitcher of lemonade and poured them a glass. I squeezed Kyle's hand when I set his down. He knew the meaning but kept his focus on Kenny. Just like he should of.

As they worked together on the math problems, I went on doing what was needed to so I could finish dinner. Until I heard something that made me gasp for air.

"If a hooker cost five hundred dollars and condoms cost twenty dollars. If you only have five hundred dollars, what do you do? You go for the blowjob."

"Kyle."

He was right behind me when I turned around to yell at him. With a coy smile on his face. Kenny had already left the room and he was joking around, thankfully.

"By the way, I'm out of condoms girl, so guess what?"

"Oh, I see. You think I should give you a blowjob to please you."

"Everything you do pleases me, girl."

Kyle had the Teller charm for sure from his smile, down to his actions. He never asked me for much in this relationship. Don't skimp on his favorite ice cream with the cheap brand, don't touch his damn remote, if I wanted out tell him first and make time for just us. I would always respect those things. Not because he asked me to because he gave me so much respect back.

The link of a bond was not just one of blood only. Some of the strongest, withstanding bonds of time were from love, respect and the joy you brought each other.

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If we lose love and self respect for each other, this is how we finally die.

Maya Angelou

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For you, in my respect, are all the world.

William Shakespeare

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Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Romans 12:10

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The spring storm was coming ahead on the horizon. Another secret of the universe. Sometimes the pain was like a storm that came out of nowhere. The clearest summer could end in an unexpected downpour. It could end in lightning and thunder or move on to another location. The rain drops came down quickly. The shift in the air gave me goosebumps. It was time to go inside. On the steadier rain showers, I loved to sit in my rocking chair and just watch.

Kyle was rummaging through the kitchen drawers for flash lights. It wasn't uncommon out here to have an outage when the damaging winds came. We made sure each child had their own just in case they needed them. Thomas was put in my bed once he fell asleep. He was still little and didn't understand the loud booms of thunder and flashes of light.

He would jump and jerk in his sleep. "Shh baby, mommy is here." My touch would calm him down until the next set of noises came. Before I knew it, I had four babies and two dogs in my bed with me. But I didn't mind.

Once the storm subsided it brought a calming effect over us all. I went outside on the front porch to asses the damage it had done. Even in the dark you could see it uprooted trees, limbs everywhere and we would probably need a new roof with the shingles strung around on the front yard.

The end of a storm also brought on a new beginning of something else. In the middle of the darkness, the rain and the panic mode it sent some in when the warning sirens went off. It brought a new life. Boomer and Nicole's daughter was born, baby Molly. We got a phone call the next morning to let us know.

We went to see the little miracle. She was so tiny wrapped up in a pink blanket with the other babies in the nursery. Through the window nothing compared to the hidden universe of a their stare. To see how magical life was through a newborn's wondrous eyes.

Of course, it could have been we looked like freaks to Molly Grace as we made faces through the window at her. It took me back to when my boys were just born. "She is beautiful."

"Yes she is. I'm just glad she doesn't look like her ugly dad." Boomer laughed off what Kyle said as a joke. Yet you could tell they were both a proud dad and uncle of the newest baby girl added to the family.

We offered to take Cody home with us. He slept in chair last night and wasn't that thrilled about being at a hospital. He was however excited about his new sister. He told us all about it on the way home.

Poor Nicole had a rough birth. The doctor had no choice when Molly went in distress but to perform a cesarean. She would need time to heal. It was bad enough on a new mom to care for the newborn. Let alone have a active little boy and her husband had to leave.

Boomer was granted an extension of his leave by a week. We already decided Nicole and the kids could stay with us until she was ready to do it on her own. What was three more people at the house. Besides, we were now her godparents. Not to mention she had my middle name something her mother insisted upon.

The day passed by quickly, it was the inevitable time to go back to work. I always looked forward to go to the office. Although my business wasn't booming as much as I hoped by now. But, it was headed in the right direction. A few new patients were added daily and I was very grateful for it. When you treated people as people instead of a paycheck, they felt it. It was my goal to triple it in a couple of months.

There was always a lag time during the day with nothing to do. From my desk I stared out the window, it was a beautiful sunny day. The kind that gave you spring fever when you were a child. The flowers started to bloom and the weather was perfect. Since business had picked up, and Thomas became a lot more active, I enrolled him in daycare. He used to fill the void in the day. Now, I mostly took in life from my office window.

"Doctor." My receptionist announced her presence at the door before she entered. She set a large vase of red roses down then went back to her work station.

Happy Birthday, girl. Was all the card said. I gave Kyle a call to tell him thank you. It went to his voicemail. Now, I truly wanted to play hooky and go home early. Unfortunately, I couldn't.

Also, I couldn't wait until the end of the day came. I locked the door about forty five minutes early. Drove like hell to get home then I would change and we could go out to eat tonight, my treat.

The house was dark inside when I pulled up yet his truck was in the driveway. Before I even made it up the stairs, the front porch light flipped on. My sweet Ellie dressed in a black dress with her hair neatly put up in a bun came out to greet me.

"Welcome to Kyle's Play Palace." She was enthusiastic and very energetic with the smiling face and arm gestures. Vanna White had nothing on her at this moment.

"Hi, honey. What's going on?"

"Welcome to Kyle's..."

"I got that part."

Ellie made sure to open the door for me. She stood in front of it as though something was wrong. "Okay, you can go in now."

There stood my son, looking all adorable. In black dress pants and a white button down shirt. The bow tie just completed his outfit. "Hi, Mommy." Then he slapped his forehead. "I mean, hello, my damn." When he gave me a little bow with it and I just wanted to hug him tightly to me. It was truly cute as hell.

"Hello, baby."

"Follow me." Abel held his hand up for me take it. We followed along the rose petal path to the kitchen. The floating candles in jars on the carpet gave a shadow of light on the way.

Then I was greeted by someone else. Cody was dressed exactly like Abel. You couldn't tell from looking at them, that they weren't brothers. "Come on Tara. Uncle Kyle wants us to do this." Cody was more direct than my son about it. But he was adorable too. He even had me close my eyes when he opened the door to patio.

There was no surprise more magical than the surprised of how loved you really were. To my astonishment, my family had planned a surprise birthday party for me. It wasn't something I expected but I had to admit, I loved all of it. The poured so much time into it and love. Just for me.

Joy filled my heart and it wasn't anything I experienced often. With the pure white twinkle lights strung through the trees, they covered the patio as well. Yet it was the more prominent lights my eyes went straight to. They were wrapped around the gazebo. Kyle and the kids had worked on that thing for a month.

Of course, the handsome man leaned against the rail of it hadn't escaped me either. Twirling a long stem rose between his fingers. The twinkle in his eyes almost shown brighter than the lights. His beautiful smile lit up my face with one to match.

Kyle had taught me a lot about love. Any man can love a thousand women and make no commitment. But a good man, loves one woman a thousand different ways and holds no one or thing above her. He was never afraid to show me those either every day. Even we were angry, it didn't last long. He always wanted to make it better, make me happy. Happiness was a state of mind along with what happened around you. If my heart had anymore happiness thrust on me today, it would explode in glee.

Kenny in the same attire as the boys held his arm out to escort me on the bed of rose petals across the yard to Kyle.

"Can I have this dance, girl?"

It was Nicole's cue to turn on the music. She set out on the activities with Thomas and Molly. When Crazy Love started to play. The rest of the kids took a chair around Nicole. They were spectators to all this. Normally a crowd made me nervous, this one, was my peeps and didn't bother me at all.

"Happy Birthday."

Hand in hand we swayed to the music. It was a hidden language of the heart and soul. I could expose mine to him without fear of it being shattered. The dance of love was more than just a motion of intent or the dialogue. One dictated a step and the other carried it out. One determined the direction, the other determined the distance traveled to meet them. One set the pace, the other revealed the grace. One understood the language of the other and knew what was coming next. The one leads with love and respect; never seeing the follower as being weak or inferior to them. And in the same manner, the one following with trust and submission without submitting. There was a blind assurance he would always be there to catch me if I ever fell during this and everything else in life.

When it ended, the song and dance was over. Kyle slowly dipped me and lingered at my neck before he placed a kiss on it.

"Abel, go get mom's present." My son went inside as fast as his legs would take him.

"Happy Birthday, Mommy." I let out a gasp when he held up a plate with a cupcake on it. Around the single candle was a diamond ring.

When Kyle took it off the cupcake and dropped down to one knee, I was speechless. "Will you marry?"

"You know I can't. I'm still legally married to Jax."

"I don't need a piece of paper to tell me you love me and you are my wife. All I need is your heart, girl, beating close to mine forever. Once you put the ring on your finger, I can die a happy man."

Between Kyle and the kids my eyes diverted. Everyone held their breath waiting for my answer. His warm hand traced the outline of my face. "Look at their little faces. They want you to marry me. Abel and I had a talk, he gave me his permission."

"Marry him, Tara." Ellie was the biggest cheerleader in the kids section on the porch.

"Yes." The golden circle of trust was slipped on my finger by Kyle.

We were draped in children surrounding us. They made loud noises, even Thomas. Although I wasn't certain he never knew what was really going on around him.

"Wait, what did she say?" Bless Abel's heart. He didn't know either but he was still excited.

"Mommy said yes, buddy. She will marry me."

"Yay." Abel clapped his hands in approval. Kyle hoisted him up in his arm so we could both hold on to my baby between us. I felt love from my son, a happy love. Which had disappeared from Abel, from all of them, for a while but was glowing brighter than ever. As he hugged both of us to him.

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And now here is my secret, a very simple secret.

It is only with the heart one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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Now join hands, and with your hands your hearts'.

William Shakespeare

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For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also

Matthew 6:21

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Life changed again around us quickly. Just when you thought you had it all figured out and a grasp on it. It took a turn so rapidly it made your head spin.

When I heard the bike coming up our long drive. My stomach shouted out in pain. You could see my heartbeat through the rise and lowering of my shirt; he knew where we lived. I scooped up Thomas in my arms and yelled for the boys to go inside. I handed off Thomas to Kenny so the children wouldn't have to witness this.

"What do you want?"

He looked around me as Kyle came through the door to stand with me on the front porch. Jax lit up a smoke calmly and let out a long breath of smoke. "I came to talk to him."

"No. Don't." I tried to stop Kyle from going down the stairs. Only to find it a futile attempt.

"It's okay, girl. Go inside." Once more I grasp a hold of his shirt and pleaded with him. "We both knew this day would come. Please, go inside."

Even though I done it and locked the door behind me. I watched through the same big window I had on so many joyous occasions. This time was far from it. Every time it became covered with dust or the destruction abandoned by a storm. I cleaned it made it shiny and clean again. It was almost myself I needed to cleanse by doing it. So I could see the world through it.

It wasn't always easy to tell if I was deep in thought process or simply looking out the window at the world with starry eyes. I've felt it was healthier to view it through the window than a mirror. Otherwise, you only saw yourself and whatever you left behind you. This way you could deem and foresee a better future to come in the world. Today, I saw the past come back and slap me in the face through it.

"What the hell can they be talking about?" From the chair by the window I checked my watch again. Over two hours had passed by. Neither one of them appeared angry or mad at the other. But still, something wasn't right. I could feel it.

"I used to watch Jackson and Thomas play out this window when they were little. Almost every day they were in front of it. After Thomas died...died the first time. I never saw Jackson through it again. No matter how many times I looked out of it, I couldn't see him."

When Gemma spoke those words to me, it meant nothing. I didn't understand remotely what she was talking. Somethings, I would never understand what she told me. But, those words of Jax and Thomas had a more significant meaning than I could have ever known at the time. "Sometimes, I would give anything to be as strong as you are, Gemma." Of course she couldn't hear. Nor would she even speak to me. For the most part she pretended I was dead, at least dead to her.

After we put Charming far behind us. Gemma and Nero decided to try the normal life, it's what he craved and needed. In the country house they bought. She didn't exactly fair well raising tomatoes instead of hell.

Although, it wasn't what drove the stake between us. Or the one in her heart. She found out about John Teller. The fact he was going to divorce her and take Jax away. But the biggest kick in the tits, John loved Julia more than her. Or perhaps it was the fact, she and Clay didn't have to plot to kill him or carry it out like they had. John wanted out of their relationship as much as her, maybe even more.

It sent her into a downward spiral. She wasn't only betrayed by her husband she once loved but by me. She would have to admit for there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust and a bond between us first. Or perhaps, she only seen me as meek and weak. Everything she found out about John Teller and losing her son again was the path to ruination of the last part left of the biker queen.

Gemma called me everything but a woman and vowed to never speak to me again. I just took it because I felt I had earned it and deserved it to some degree. But, I also felt it was exactly what she would have done in the situation. I always thought she would cave to see the boys later on down the road. To this date, she hadn't.

When the front door closed quietly. I was up out of the chair in a flash to find out what transpired between them. Only to be told nothing really.

"He just wanted to talk."

"Talk about what? Come on, Kyle. You were out there for hours."

"This." Kyle placed folded up papers in my hand. "The conditions Jax wants as well."

Jax had signed the divorce papers I filed months ago. My attorney called him numerous times without a return call back. She even visited Charming, for the club to chase her off the property. The fear she felt was all to familiar to me when she stated she would not contact him anymore about it. "What conditions?" This was where I proceeded with caution. Waited for the other shoe to drop on top of me.

"Jax wants to see Abel and Thomas."

To me it was not a justified demand and it would never be met. "No. Absolutely not."

"He is their father, girl."

"Why are you taking Jax's side on this? What is wrong with you?" I was getting past irritated about the entire thing.

"I'm not taking his side. It's the right thing to do and you know it. It's no different than me not getting to see my son." Kyle just wanted to walk away from this conversation. Well, he wasn't going to.

"You said conditions. What are the rest of them?"

"That's between me and Jax."

"The hell it is, Kyle."

We both needed a cool off period. He went to his room and I went to the rocking chair. I rocked my way through my problems. Or until I could have a rational and calm discussion with him.

"Will you tell me what you and Jax talked about, please?"

"I can't tell you what we said, Tara. It is between me and Jax. He just listened to everything I had to say, like I did him." It was a rarity Kyle called me by my name. At this point, I knew in my heart he would give me no further information. No matter how many times I asked. But what he said next, I never expected. "Jax still loves you. You need to be sure its what you want before you file the papers."

"Why would you say that to me?"

"I love you, girl. With all my heart. I just want you to be sure." With a kiss on my forehead he left me sitting alone in the rocking chairs. It felt off for him not to be by my side. It also took my mind to places I didn't like very much. I had to make some decisions that would effect my children either way.

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It's how we embrace uncertainty in our lives. That leads to great transformation of our soul.

Brandon A. Trean

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Our doubts our traitors, and make us loose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.

William Shakespeare

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You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Isaiah z6:3

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I hope you have enjoyed reading me!

Please forward to the next chapter posted...