Chapter 39
Angels and Outlaws
Part 3 of 14
Chapter 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, and 43 have been posted. Make sure to read them all. This isn't the end yet. We still have another 6 or 7 chapters to go.
The seasons changed around us. When fall came. I truly liked everything about it. The crisp air in the mornings to how the leaves crunched under my feet. While I sipped a cup of hot apple cider, I waited on the kids to get dressed.
"Are you excited, baby?"
"Yep." Abel bounced around as though he was on a sugar high. Although, I knew he hadn't had any yet.
The rest seemed in slow mode while he was in hyper drive. On his own he got two bowls of dog food ready before we left. From the front porch he stood and yelled at the top of his lungs. "George, Sophia, it's time to eat." He was changing before my eyes as well.
Once I got everyone gathered up, we took off for our family outing. The train ride to get there wasn't a long one but I still enjoyed it. So did the kids. With the sun rising, it brought warmth. Although, I liked to inhale a clean breath of stouter weather to come. When I exhaled, your breath left a trail of steamy vapor behind. That's exactly how I viewed it now too; inhale love, exhale hate.
My family couldn't wait to climb on board the train. Me, I could have set for hours as I took in the beauty of the day. The blanket of orange, yellow and red leafs laid on the ground before us. The squirrels scurried from tree to tree to build up their winter supply of nuts. The rays of light peaked through the branches as a beacon of gleams just for me. When you felt focused, positive and happy with everything around you, you shouldn't waste it.
Kyle gave each of them their ticket. Kenny and Abel were making train noises. Ellie read a book in a seat alone. Kyle and I set together with Thomas on my lap. The smile on my face continued to grow. And then, he gave me a smile which seemed so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that an unexpected warmth rushed through me. It reminded me; sometimes your joy was the source of your smile. Other times, they were your source of joy. It just made you smile automatically.
The ride came to a halt and it was time to make our exit. This wasn't something I thought Ellie would care much about. She led the boys to the pumpkin patch. I watched as she wanted to pick out the perfect pumpkin, at least perfect to her. The boys found more of them than we would buy for them. I got Thomas a smaller one so he could hold it. He and I would share the large pumpkin we would carve later.
They buzzed with excitement, even Ellie. About what design they would put on their pumpkins to make them their very own creation. If we experienced everything like a child, it would all be filled with magic and extraordinary feelings. As an adult, you didn't get that luxury. But there were occasions you got to experience it as much as they did.
"Are you okay, girl?"
"I couldn't be better."
"I'll carry him."
Kyle took Thomas because he was becoming a load to haul around. Also I could hold on to his small ice cream cone so he could lick it. He thought is was cool to use his tongue to get the frosty treat.
"Ice cream kiss."
It became our thing. We would bump our cones together with whatever flavor we got to share with the other. Although, he always got strawberry and I always got salted caramel swirl when I could find it. Abel and Kenny done it so much you couldn't tell which one had chocolate and which had chocolate chip. Ellie thought it was gross and wouldn't let the boys do it to hers.
After we finished our ice cream, we paid for the pumpkins. They would hold them for us until we got back on the train. Kyle wanted to make sure we done everything available. He seemed on a high about today as much as the kids were. He wanted the kids to have fun as much I did.
The petting zoo was a good experience for them. Ellie chose to set that one out as she went back to reading her book. Not Abel and Kenny. We purchased food at each corral so they could feed them. Kyle helped Thomas with the goats. He laughed every time the goat's long tongue touched his little hand.
From a distance I captured it all on film. A picture was a way to hold on to memories you didn't want to forget, the ones you loved, the things you were and never wanted to lose.
"Do we have to go?"
"Yes, Abel. It's time to go home, baby." We spent hours as the kids played in the corn mazes with the other children. Then took a wagon ride. Yet, it had to come to end.
Their enthusiasm hadn't subsided when we reached the house. Kenny couldn't remember ever doing a jack-o-lantern before. He was so young when Donna died, his memories with her could of faded. I wanted to hold him close to me, tell him everything was alright. Instead, I done something completely different. Through each book I went through, I pulled out photos to show him. Ellie had kept several photo albums of her family.
Once the kids finished their pumpkins and I cleaned up the mess, I asked Kenny to come in the kitchen with me. "This is you, when you were a baby." His eyes filled up while he stared at a picture of his sister in her costume and Donna held a baby pumpkin in her lap. "Your mom done a pumpkin with you." I laid down another with Donna on the floor with her son scooping out pumpkin seeds. "Your dad, he loved this holiday." A picture from my past too; Opie, Jax and I as teenagers just before we went out on Halloween night together or to just raise hell as we done.
The last one hit home with Kenny. Piney with him and his sister after his mother passed. It was the only one I could find of his grandfather. "He was proud of you and your sister. He talked about you all the time."
In some small way I hoped it helped my son get through the rough patch, missing his mother and to know he was loved by them all. Yet, he still had us to love him everyday.
"I think it's time for a family photo."
We piled on the steps leading up to our house with our pumpkins in the background. I set the timer for a two minute delay so all of us could be in it. Once it went off. I plugged it into my computer. I printed off several of them I had taken today. Along with many from the past in my hand.
On Kenny's side of the dresser. I set up different photo frames with Donna, Opie and Piney for him to see. For Abel, I put one of Jax with him. Then one of him with his baby brother. In the center of them was the photo of their family today; all of us on the steps.
"You're a good mom, girl." Kyle studied the photos with a smile.
"What are we going to tell them about us and all of this?" It was something Kyle and I didn't really discuss before. How we would handle the kids in the future when they got older and started to ask questions.
"We tell them the truth. You know the damage it does to kids by not telling them, we are living proof of it. By then, it won't matter anyway. They love us for who we are, not who we were. Just like we do them."
Kyle made it sound simple without a doubt of how our children would see us in the future. I guess, I had to forget who I once was, put my main focus on who I really was. He was right about one thing; secrets killed relationships and trust. The main secret of life; all that was worth doing was done in the acts for others. I had to hold to that faith. Someday, when the day came. I had to tell my children. They would forgive the secrets I've held from them, or I hoped so.
When I called them for dinner, it was another part of the day I truly appreciated. It allowed us to come together as a family after the day was about over. Around the table were the faces I loved and held close to the heart. Our family was a circle of the strength of love with everyone contributing an attribute for it.
A family wasn't always from the same blood. Thomas was my only blood here, yet, I loved them all equally. The people in your life who wanted you in theirs became the most dearest to you. The ones who accepted you for who you were. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who loved you no matter what unconditionally. The circle only grew the closer we became as a family.
"Since you and Tara are adopting us, are we suppose to call you mom and dad?" Thankfully, Kenny didn't direct his question to me. He directed it at Kyle.
"You can call us whatever you want. We have Tellers, Winstons and a Brandon at the table. We are all a part of this family. You are a part of your mother and father's family as well and always will be."
"I think I'll stay with Kyle and Tara."
Out of the mouth of a babe. My son made me chock on the ice tea I took a drink from. "Are you my new daddy?"
"You know who your daddy is. We're buddies, remember?"
"Oh, yeah." Abel was distracted easily still. The day would come when this conversation would take place again down the road.
The transition of fall to the holidays weren't as easy however. Kyle wanted to decorate everything, celebrate every little things and wanted to revel in the days up to it. He was child like, almost precious to watch. He even had some derived pleasure from picking out the turkey himself. The biggest bird he could find. Along with another one to make certain we had enough.
We both came from a small family with no large dinners with tons of people around in households when we were growing up. Our children would not say the same. There was total of thirty people invited to celebrate the day with us. Where the hell we were going to put everyone, I had no idea.
In honor of the holiday, I shut the clinic down so I could spend time at home to get ready for it. The kids were out of school and they slept in. I had a shit load of things to accomplish. When the alarm went off I got up. I thought I would be the first in the house awake but I wasn't.
He was waiting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in hand for me. "Morning, girl." Along with a kiss to start this off with.
"Morning."
We finished off the pot one cup at a time while we read the newspaper together. It became a ritual for us. Granted, it was a small thing but it was our thing. The quiet time we had before the world moved swiftly in the day. I knew once I got up from the table, it was all work until night time.
Kyle welcomed it in. He was already banging pots and pans around and kicking off his day. When I wanted to purchase something that was already finished for the dinner. He insisted it needed to be homemade instead. I've never witnessed a man who enjoyed making pies so much. He turned on the radio in the kitchen and occupied himself for hours on end. Since there was still a lot to do, I went to clean house.
By the evening, we both were exhausted. The long buffet tables were setup. Along with several more for our guest. There wasn't much left to do now except wait until the morning came and start in again.
That was exactly what we done. Enjoyed our coffee and newspaper together before we stuck the birds in the ovens. When we bought the house I never thought we would use the built in double ovens so much. Today they were worked on overtime. Although the incredible smells floated around in the house. Every time I opened the turkey to baste it, it made me hungry.
The kids were starving. Instead of a big breakfast they had doughnuts and milk while they watched the Macy's day parade. In my memory I searched long and hard. Never once could I remember a Thanksgiving morning with my mother. Nor could I think of a happy thought of the holiday, at my age that was truly sad. But each of my children were having a great time and I didn't want to let this moment go.
"We need some centerpieces."
All of these people would be in here in a few hours. But, I didn't care if it made dinner late. My children and I went on a scavenger hunt for items to put on the table. They needed to remember back when they were older to some joy on this day with their mother. I needed to look back when I was older to some joy I had with them.
There was a large vase of flowers on each table. When we cleaned out Thomas' house, his mother had these beautiful brown glass blown bowls with flex of orange. They were too nice to toss out. With all the antiques and wealth they had, this was what I kept. In some ways each time I passed them, I thought of Thomas Teller and all he had done for my family.
I set the four of them on a farm table that match the kitchen furniture in the dinning room. I put cheap wooden decorative balls in them I bought at Hobby Lobby. Today, they would serve as our new tradition.
We walked around the property in search of items. After an hour we found; various colored leaves, nuts, pine cones and a few odd shaped rocks. Thomas added his baby pumpkin which was starting to wither away. I would put it in the bowl on the kiddie table.
"Who put the Doritos bag in here?" There was a snack size baggie stuck down in the bottom of the basket.
Abel giggled before he answered. "You said put what we like in there. I like Doritos."
It went on the bottom of the pile under the treasures we found. Technically, it was what I said. Technically, Abel seemed to have his own interpretation of our conversations. But, I made sure it was in there too.
Of course it put me behind on getting everything ready before the guest arrived. While I flew around the house doing a little of this and a whole lot of that. A glass of wine magically appeared in front of me. The smile he wore had the calm effect on me I much needed.
"This is about fun. We get it done when it get it done."
"I don't have time to drink wine."
"Yes you do, girl. Today I am thankful I have you and the kids."
After a much needed small breather. We done it together, well, most of it anyway. I still had to push Kenny and Abel to get dressed in their nice clothes for dinner. Myself, I no more than got dressed and my hair dried before the first guest arrival. Even though I should have been there to greet them, I done a few curls and put my makeup on.
By the time I came out, a small gathering was in my living room. Most already had a drink of some sort in their hands and their kids were running around with mine outside. They would all probably be dirty in five minutes.
The receptionist I hired, Sarah, didn't have anywhere to go today. She planned to stay home and get dinner somewhere on her way to church. So, I decided what was one more person at our tables and extended an invitation to her. When she actually came, I was pleased she had.
Most of the women were in the kitchen with me helping out. When you an army of women to assist you, it progressed rather quickly. Nicole was bossing them around with what needed to be done next. She was pretty good at it really. By the time we added all the dishes everyone brought along with what we cooked, it was a feast for a king.
Kyle's aunt made her famous rolls. She wanted to heat them up in the oven. Once I tasted the buttery goodness, I understood why hey raved about them. All the ladies helped make this meal what it was, along with him.
Before I announced dinner was ready, I stood and watched how happy this made Kyle with some of his brothers, their family and us here. The football game was on while they talked and had a beer. But it wasn't until I went to call the kids in. They were in bliss with so many new little friends to play with.
Thomas went in his highchair as I made his plate. Ellie helped Abel and Kenny done it on his own. The other mom's and women helped out the other kids. Once we got them situated I went to tell the others, it was time.
The doorbell went off just before I told them. Everyone we had invited was already here. When I opened the door I was face to face with the past. Someone from it who was bitter with me. I couldn't think of anything to say that would ease the tension.
"I bought this for the kids."
They were no farther words spoken between us. The bag was placed in front of the door and they couldn't think of anything else that could or should be said either.
Kyle took a different approach. He went outside to greet our guests. "You guys should stay for dinner. Your grandsons miss you, Gemma." Kyle went to hand off Thomas to her. She took a couple steps back then looked over to Nero. He nodded at her but she wouldn't budge until I offered too.
"They do miss you. We love to have you stay for dinner."
"Yeah, okay."
It didn't don on me until I watched Gemma with the boys. How closely she held them to her and didn't want to let go. How she held back the same kind of tears I had this morning with them. How much she swallowed her crazy kind of pride to be here. She looked back today on the family she once had and needed that connection again.
But it wasn't until she seen Apollo I knew for certain who she missed the most, her own children. As strong as Gemma always was, your children could make you do things you sworn you'd never do. They could bring you to your knees of mercy. They could also bring the most joy you've ever known in your life. They could also bring you a pain you couldn't imagine.
Kyle and Nero went with her. They would make sure she was alright. I felt it best to keep quiet and keep my distance from her, at least for now. Besides, I was the hostess. I had to make my rounds to everyone.
When Kyle came in with them, I had added two more place settings and chairs for them to sit with us. It was sort of like old times. They guys embraced Gemma especially. Meat had already hugged her. Nicole wanted her chair to be next to Gemma.
"I am happy you all came to celebrate this day with us." Kyle looked over at the empty place setting I had done. We talked about Thomas this morning and he had remained on my mind along on his. "We are missing someone today. But I know he is here in spirit with us."
Meat stood with his beer bottle held up. "To Thomas, nuns and goats. Wherever he is, I know he is having fun and giving them hell. I love you, brother."
"To Thomas, nuns and goats." We all held up or glasses or bottles in his memory.
It was obviously an inside joke about what Thomas had done in Mexico with the nuns that involved goats. But it brought a smile to his mother's face. Along with some others. It even gave my receptionist a slight laugh. She was one tough cookie to crack too.
It was what today was all about. Join at the table to celebrate your family, your friends, your loved ones. To celebrate a good memory of the holiday and make new memories for the years to come. To celebrate those in your life that made a difference. To celebrate your life because they were the light in it.
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Family is not the most important thing, it's every thing.
Micheal J Fox
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When I way at home. I way at a better place.
William Shakespeare
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(15) She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.
(16) She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
(17) She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
Proverbs 31: 15-17
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"I have a little boy too. I don't get to see him but it doesn't mean I don't love him or think about him everyday. Just like it doesn't mean your daddy doesn't think of you all the time. I know he loves you, Abel."
"You do?" Abel wiped his own tears away. He was becoming my big boy.
"Yeah, I do. Your dad told me he loves you. My son's name is Zach. Do you want to see a picture of him?"
Kyle and Abel rocked in the chair while they talked about a million things. I watched my son through the big window. Still not an adult but no longer a baby either. He took in what they discussed. At least for the moment, he seemed alright with what was going on.
"You'll understand more when you grow up, buddy."
"Like what?" My son had inquisitive mind. He always had questions he needed answers for.
"Like you always look after your mom and sister. If I'm not around."
"I will, Kyle. I promise."
The world came crashing down on Abel today. He felt it in the vise of love he had for his father. After he was satisfied or least soothed he went back to just being a kid. A happy kid.
Then once again, rolled around another visitation day from his father. We waited on the porch at the time Jax was suppose to show up. I had no hope he would make it to see his sons. Abel still held that faith as he set quietly on the step as he waited for another disappointment to come.
They say a person needed just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. My son had all those things. My hope was he didn't get destroyed in the process. As long as he held on to the most important one; love. He would alright.
From the distance I heard it. The familiar sound of the pipes rumbling as it came up the drive. It made me hold Thomas even tighter. "I don't trust, Jax."
"He will be fine."
"What if Jax takes them?"
"He won't."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I have to believe Jax has good in him when it comes to the kids, girl. I know you don't agree he should see them. But it's wrong to keep Jax from his sons. I made him that promise, I plan on keeping it." Kyle waited until I would let go of Thomas. It took everything I had inside me to do so.
"What if Jax does something to them? Then what?" Only a concerned and cautious mother thought ill of their children's father. Or maybe it was because I knew all the horrible thing he could do. I also knew of the hate he still harbored for me. The quickest way to hurt me was through my children.
"Then, I'll kill him myself. Jax gets no second chances with them. I've made it perfectly clear to him." I had to restrain myself from not yelling at Kyle here on the spot. They had a safeguarded agreement in place or conversation at the least, I just knew it. It came from the shielded way Kyle spoke about Jax.
Kyle took my son to meet Jax, which he didn't even attempt to come close to the house. He waited out in the drive by his bike. I wanted to scream when Kyle gave him my baby. But I couldn't, I knew his visitations were part of our divorce agreement. Jax didn't contest anything, he didn't even show up for court. He gave me full custody as long as he got to see them once a month with supervision. Everything else for our children, was up to my discretion.
Abel, however, wasn't so certain he wanted to go to his dad. With some encouragement from Kyle. Abel decided to try. "I'll do it with you, buddy." Kyle held Abel's hand until they reached his father. "Maybe your dad wants to see the puppies. Maybe, you can show him?"
"I'd like that. If you want to." Jax's took the gentle approach with his son. He totally left it up to Abel. Which, really surprised me.
"Come on, Daddy. George has six puppies. You won't believe how big they are." Children were forgiving more so than adults. They lived for today and mostly didn't worry about tomorrow until it came around.
Through the big window in the living room I watched my sons with Jax. At the edge of the trees, he set with them on a log. The truth was, I knew in my heart he loved them the best he could, the only way he knew how. Which, was the same way he loved me once upon a time. The truth was, unless you let go, unless you forgave yourself, unless you forgave others. The situation that put a wedge between you, you had to forgive as well. Once you realized it was over, you could move past it.
But, then again, Gemma's wisdom rang loud while I watched them. "When someone hurts your baby, you never forget." There was so little Gemma and I could come to terms with. This was one, I was in full kindheartedly.
It was time for him to go. Kyle went out to get the boys. I stayed back at the door. The less I was around him the better.
"Will you come back to see me, Daddy?"
"I promise. I will. I love you, son."
It was a promise made, then a promise broken. Words could be twisted into any shape you wanted them to become. Promises could be made to lull the heart and seduced the soul. In my final analysis, words honestly meant nothing. The wisest man was the silent one when he knew couldn't fulfill or didn't mean what he spoke. If you examined his actions, judged him upon them, it was still the same results.
"Abel, do you want to go get pizza for dinner?"
"No." He headed for the barn to see the puppies. It wouldn't be long before they were weened and then given away. He liked to spend time with them. Or maybe, it was the last thing he remembered doing with his father.
"He'll be alright." Kyle was certain Abel would bounce back from his father not coming as promises today.
But, I wasn't sure of it. You couldn't plant a garden with no sun light. You had to care for it, give it nutrient and love or it died. It was just like love in a weird way. If you never put any effort in to it, you didn't nurture it and gave love back, it died as well.
As I watched my son through the window, George and her line of puppies came rushing out of the barn to meet my son. They jumped around and followed him. Poor George, she had so many babies she laid down while Abel played with them. It was the only break she got from her rambunctious puppies.
For some reason, when I came to this window, I heard and thought of Gemma a lot. "When someone hurts your baby, you never forget."
"I agree with that."
Unless you completely understood where someone was coming from. You couldn't begin to understand why they were like they were. As a mother, I fully was aware why she harbored ill feelings towards John Teller. As an outsider looking in, I knew in my heart why he tried to save his sons from Gemma and the club.
Then again, we all took the path at that precise moment we felt it was best. Sometimes, you were right but not always. Other instants you must follow no direct path, you made a new trail to take. The journey you took from it, could either be the most wonderful experience in your life or the most devastating.
I've often contemplated if we chose the path, or if indeed it chose us. It was certain I hadn't always went down the safest one. I had made mistakes, plenty of them. When it led me to Jax and away from him. Yet, I had suffered the consequences many times from it. But, I also basted in the glory. My family together with me, safe, maybe not always happy all the time. We still shared a love that couldn't be broken.
Today was a day, I knew I had done the right things without doubts. Today, marked another monument moment in time. Today, would be just another one passed by tomorrow we made it through. Today would lead us to our next journey.
When I took his hand I felt his uncertainties, the fear he had. If could have soothed it away, I would have. When love still smoldered in the wake of emotional breakdowns, the regret and remorse may endlessly linger on with you in the path of life. We held the power to change and move forward. Even when we faced the uncertainties. A sudden change in a situation could alter your whole life. A forever change of the road ahead.
We stepped on the last of the stone path, we came to the end of it. The choice left was proceed forward or retreat now. I hoped he chose the right one for him as I waited to see which way he went from here. One step at a time we climbed up for him to face his past. He clinched my hand tighter in his. Once I pushed the doorbell it was too late to go back now.
"What am I going to say to him?"
"What's in your heart." I gave his hand a final squeeze before I let go. I went back down the stone path to the truck. It was all on him now.
This was the first time Kyle was allowed to see his son since he was a baby. His ex-wife was desperate for money. She got it too, only, she had to make compromises for it. I made sure of it. Allowed visitations by his father. I guess, we had both grown from making deals for our sons.
When Zach came outside to meet Kyle, he didn't have much to say at first. He didn't even know the man before him. It was another love not nourished which had wilted.
Around thirty minutes later, Kyle came to the truck. We were going to get a weekend visitation. We would have five children to care for unless we had Cody, then six kids. I didn't mind at all. What was one more child to love?
Their relationship didn't automatically bloom either. Neither did it with the other kids. Sure, we had problems. But we handled them as they came. Eventually, Zach became comfortable with his father and siblings. He called Kyle by his name instead of dad. Although, I really didn't think it bothered his father. This was the most he had been in his son's life.
You never knew though where life would lead you to. Or what would happen from one day to the next. I was standing in the kitchen when Zach wanted a snack before dinner. "Dad, can I have a pudding pop?"
"Yeah." It was all Kyle replied. I watched him grab the counter with both hands, keep his back to his son while he cried what I assumed were tears of joy.
"Take some to the other for me." I gathered up a handful, carefully to make sure they each got one.
"Okay, Tara." Zach never really gave us any trouble. It just took a transition period for him and us. Love never came instantly, today, I was a firm believer the more you cared for it, the stronger it got. Even if you had experienced resistant.
"Are you okay?" I ripped off a paper towel to hand Kyle. I've shed numerous tears he wiped away for me.
"I never thought I would ever hear Zach, call me dad."
Everything turned in circles and spirals with the cosmic heart until infinity. Life was a full circle, widening until it joined the circle motions of the infinite too. At intervals, you knew who you really were, what it took to make you happy. Other occurrences, love was that single condition in which the happiness of another person was essential to your own.
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It's not flesh and blood but the heart that makes us fathers and sons.
Johann Schiller
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When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry.
William Shakespeare
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Grace, mercy and peace will be with us, from father and son, in truth and love.
John 1:3
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Kyle could have cared less about the specifics of our wedding. If I wanted it, he loved it. Choose whatever I wanted for it. Tell him what to wear and he would. Pick the place and time, he would be there. Then we came to the one thing he expressed his opinion on.
"Are you ready, girl."
"I am."
The needle began to prick my finger. The throbbing sensation only made me smile. It should of hurt like hell. Tomorrow it would be sore and on the tender side. But, I loved the design Kyle came up with. He sketched out our wedding band tattoos we would have for eternity under our rings.
It was our circle of trust between us. It was such a fragile thing, the circle was so easily broken. So easy to break with just one action. So easy to lose and never recapture.
It was strange how we learned to not trust anyone fully by the one we once trusted with our everything. Sometimes, it boiled down to the not the absences of it, but purely the heartbreak you knew was attached to it.
The needle again had my full attention. With the tiny details, it took forever to get done. He wrapped a clear bandage around it and place a kiss on my finger. "I'll put the name in when this heals." In the center of it, the others name would be proudly displayed.
Now, it was his turn. He had another artist do his. It seemed to make him just as happy to have it tattooed as it done me. His theory was he wanted me to know his ring, our circle of trust, would never leave him. Even if he took off his gold band, he would have another band on his finger that said I was the love of his life. He left it up to me if I wanted to do it or not. It wasn't even a question, I wanted it. When I asked him what made him think of this design, his answer was always the same.
"So you don't forget me, girl. Just like you know I won't forget you. Or how much I love you."
"That, is some beautiful shit, man." The huge burly bald man with too many tattoos and piercing to count. Thought we were cute together. Yes, he actually used the word cute.
Once his was done. He called Nicole to see if she could be there when the kids got off the school bus. Since she was just down the road, it made it convenient when the other was running late.
"Where are we going?"
"It's a surprise."
When we came to the arrival place, it wasn't that much of a surprise. This was the place we would run to from time to time. Alexandria's Dream became our lovers spot. Hand in hand we took the long walk across the wooden bridge.
"When I tried to let you go, I couldn't. When I tried to stop dreaming about you, I couldn't. When you weren't with me, I came here and it felt like you were with me. You've had a hard time finding a place. How about we get married here, girl? It's your decision."
Since we weren't super religious and were a member of a church. A ceremony in one was hard to come by. I even contemplated holding it in our backyard. A simple thing with just a few people. But, I loved this idea. He had already called and we could rent banquet area and have a small part of the beach area to have it at.
"I hear you need a preacher?" It was voice I recognized. Someone from our past who I knew cared.
Nero, of course, couldn't be a real preacher. But, he became an online ordain minster, just for us. Actually, I couldn't think of anyone who would have been better to do it.
"What about Gemma?"
"She'll come around."
Nero immediately changed the subject. Which, told me all I needed to know. She didn't approve of him doing it and he was willing to anyway. No matter how hard I tried to patch the rift between us, she wasn't having it. There would be a wedge there forever. Every few months, she stopped by to see Abel and Thomas. It was as close to forgiveness as I was going to get at this point.
"I want you to be happy, girl. It's your day. If you don't like this, we'll keep searching until we find something you do."
"It's perfect."
At least some of the details had been nailed down. I still needed to find a dress. I wasn't exactly, a young blushing bride to be. There was no needed to get an expensive white gown. Not at this stage in my life.
"What about this one, girlfriend?"
Nicole and Ellie both loved it. It was a simple white cotton halter dress. What I liked about it the most was, it was delicate, showed the crow tattoo with my babies names in it and was simple just like me. The side slit was up the leg a little more than I wanted. Once I tried it on, it was the one. We found a similar red one for them that was strapless. With the warm summer night, on the beach, these were fitting for the occasion.
Next we picked out flowers. My bouquet had one red rose in he middle with two dozed white ones surrounding it. Theirs were smaller with white in the center and tinier red roses.
"We should put your hair up with these." Ellie held a few packages of pearl tipped bobby pins.
Since any kind of heel would sink in the sand, we went with coordinated sandals. The ankle strap was a row of pearls. I still searched for the boys attire. For now, I had shopped enough for the day.
"How about a bachelorette party?"
"No."
"What about a girl's night out?"
"I have a better idea."
Nicole wanted to make a fun and special night for me. What I chose to do the night before my big day, was better than a drunken girls night out. I took a couple of days off to get everything ready. Our small wedding party had rooms reserved on the beach. The car was packed to the hilt with bags, children and dogs.
We girls would stay in the adjoining room with the kids. It was a giant sleepover party for them. It was the beginning of the rest of my life for me. Across the hall from us, was my future. Kyle would stay with Boomer. He couldn't understand why we just couldn't be together tonight. Nothing else was traditional about us, I needed this one thing to be. Once I explained it to him, he honored my wishes just like I expected from him.
Before the guys arrived, we took the kids and dogs for a walk on the beach. George and Sophia was so well behaved. They ran along the side of the kids. Abel was George's best friend and she was complete loyal to him, always by his side. Then I thought of Sophia's best friend. What Tig had sacrificed for me and my children. If he hadn't been there for us, how differently this story could have ended.
"Girlfriend, are you alright?"
"I'm fine." As I wiped the tears away that ran down my cheek. Truth was, I thought of Tig often and hoped he finally found some peace. Especially when Sophia was loving with me. She was a part of our family now and she would have a home until her last day on earth.
"Stay out of the water." The boys couldn't resist the waves that washed up the the shore. They were mesmerizing at times, even for someone at my age.
They were starving by the time the guys arrived. It was just a quick burger and fries for dinner. The guys took the kids with them to roam around while Nicole and I turned our focus to the banquet hall. It was a waste of money how big this place was compared to the amount of guest we would have. Yet, Kyle insisted I was a princess for a day, or at least, his princess.
We layered long red table clothes under shorter white ones. The flowers were kept in the kitchen refrigerator so they could stay fresh until tomorrow. The arrangements were also in place now. I bought cheap replica place settings at the party store along with pretty flutes for each table. Even the kids would have sparkling cider to toast with.
"I'm not sure how it worked out, but, I like it." Our table was at the head of the giant circle the other tables ended up at.
On my way out, I flipped off the light switch. The next time I entered this room, the next chapter of my life would begin. Again, the tears came. But not sad ones this time. I used to dream about having a normal, happy life. Escape the ordinary and find something extraordinary in it. Until now, I simply failed to notice how extraordinary it had already been. They say second chances in anything were hard to find. I had been given an abundance of them I should be grateful for.
We joined the others on the beach. This was our spot for the night until bedtime. It took hours for the kids to start to even begin to slow down. They finally plopped down on blankets with us. We just hung out, enjoyed the time we spent together. Until I felt my phone buzz in my back pocket. As I replied, Kyle's went off too. Then all the adult's phones follows suit.
"Get a room." Boomer was kidding as he sent back his response. They were alright with the plan and would watch the kids for us.
Across the long wooden bridge we took a walk hand in hand. The sunset was gorgeous along the horizon. From the lighthouse Kyle texted me to meet him at, you could see for miles as we climbed the ladder. What I found was another surprise.
"When did you do this?"
"While you and Nicole were decorating."
A blanket was spread out for us. My favorite ice tea bottles was chilled in a bucket of ice. He lit the candles strung around everywhere. Took my hand as I set down on the ledge with him. I've never reached a point with someone when silence was a comfortable position, until now.
We set silently beside each other and took in the world around us. The strength of it was incredible. If you opened up your eyes and ears. You could finally hear things you never noticed before, saw the beauty of what surrounded you. The last thing I heard was a boat's horn. Before he had something to say.
"This is for you. Your something new." A charm bracelet with four boy charms, one girl and two dogs. Between each was a pearl stopper.
"It's beautiful, thank you."
"I have a couple more, I didn't get added yet. Every princess needs a crown." In my hand he laid a tiny crown and a diamond ring to add to my collection. Once I had those added to the collection he fastened it around my wrist.
We stayed later than I had planned to. There were still things I had to get done before I went to bed. It was more of a stroll on the way back to the room. Both not wanting this night to end. But still wanted tomorrow to come. At my door he gave me a kiss goodnight.
"I'll be the one in white."
"I'll be the one at the alter with a smile on my face waiting for you."
"Ill be the one puking if you two don't shut up already." Boomer was at his door drinking a beer. I could hear him still razzing Kyle when I closed the door.
Nicole had kept order of the children. She had Holly and Thomas on the bed with her, they were passed out already. The boys were in the other room watching a movie but still going strong. My sweet Ellie had blocked out everything as she read. She was good at tuning out what she needed to.
"You need your beauty sleep, girlfriend."
As much as I wanted to sleep, I tossed and turned through out the night. Maybe I was anxious for tomorrow to come. Maybe I missed him laying by me in bed. Maybe I was just to damn happy. The smile on my face could have lit up the room on its own. Once I turned off the television, made sure all the kids were covered up, I could rest.
Although, it seemed like a short night when I felt Abel and Cody move on the bed. They made their rounds from Nicole to me to make certain we knew it was already time to get up and get on the move if I wanted to get everything done on time.
The guys took the boys to get breakfast. We had a light one, fruit, bagels and coffee. Ellie had her favorite, chocolate milk with a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit. Quickly I got dressed to meet the bakery to deliver our cake. This was something I wanted to do myself even though Nicole offered numerous times. She had to make sure the guys and kids were ready on time, Nero was in place and the caterers setup for dinner in the hall. She had been great about helping out.
When they wheeled in the massive box on a cart and broke it down, I loved it. The cake was our first compromise, he didn't ask for. I liked vanilla, he liked chocolate. A basic vanilla and dark chocolate were marbled together to represent us both. Pretty much as most of my life had marbled together, sometimes so much it blurred the lines of when it crossed over; love and hate, good and evil, life and death and sadness and happiness.
It was layered with separate tiers. Each was held up with a glass column that lit up. Ours was larger, sat on a glass cube to be lifted higher than the rest. It was centered with the other five scattered out in front of it. One for each of our children. The handcrafted roses was the cherry on top for me. There also was a sheet cake to serve to the guest.
They left boxes so I could take the leftover cakes home. It seemed like a waste of money to buy cakes we wouldn't eat because we wouldn't eat all of them today. Yet, it was just as much of their big day as it was ours. We would now official be a family in every way possible.
By the time I arrived back to the room. Nicole had Ellie's facial done. Complete with mask in place and a hair treatment to give it shine. My little girl felt like a princess too. She was wrapped in a fluffy robe with a towel on her head, seaweed on her face while she sipped chocolate milk with one hand. While Nicole painted her nails because she had already done her toes. "You're next, girlfriend." This wasn't anything I normally wanted to do, but, I was all in on it for this occasion.
As I waited for the nail polish to dry I must of have dozed off. Nicole, or should I say baby drill sargent, had me up on my feet ready to shower. I heard her in the hallway going down the list with Boomer and Kyle, what they needed to do next. "Bless her." She had it under control. So, I went on about my business.
It was amazing, how rapidly time escaped you. Once I got my hair dried, dressed and helped Nicole chase the boys around the room. It was almost time for me to take the walk. When Ellie came in, I was in awe with her. If I hadn't know better, I would put her in the early twenty year old range. She looked so beautiful, so grown up.
Nicole done my makeup first. Then my hair. Just when she put the last pin in it. A knock came on the door. I wasn't expecting them come.
"I am going to check on the guys. I won't be gone long. Ellie come help me." Nicole excused herself but also made it clear she wouldn't be far away, just in case.
"I thought you might want this back." Gemma set the old stained box down I was so familiar with. I carried it with me for years. It went wherever I had, it went on the journey to my hell and my redemption . From it, I took out my mother's blue satin garter belt she wore on her day with Nero.
"Thank you, Gemma."
"Do you have something borrowed yet?" This was as cordial as Gemma had been with me since we left Charming. I didn't want to get a false hope from it.
"I have a hanky stuffed in my bouquet."
From Gemma's purse she took out the most beautiful sterling hair comb with diamond accents. Three pearls in a perfect line. "It was Rose's." To this day she refused to call her mom or even refer to her in any form of a mother.
"I couldn't..."
"You got shit to work out with your mother and I got shit I'll never forgive Rose for. You should wear it." She placed the comb in the center of the low bun in my hair. The tiny pearl bobby pins made a complete circled around it. "Well, I should go."
There was obviously something else she wanted to say as she lingered around. I figured it would be bad and she needed to get it off her chest. So, I waited for the hammer to come down from her. "Just so you know. Jackson did love you, more than he ever loved any woman. I know he didn't always do right by you or the boys. It's not all his fault. Some it, is mine."
"I want you to stay, Gemma. It means a lot to me you came here. Just so you know, I have thought of you as a mother in the past." While I completely ignored her other comments, sometimes, you had to surrender and make the first move.
"You look very pretty and happy for once. We all deserve to be happy." She never implied she would or wouldn't stay. Either way, I made an effort with Gemma. She would come around or she wouldn't.
"Everything okay?" Nicole gave us privacy. She knew the score of it all. I just nodded as I applied lipstick and covered it in gloss. "Lets gets your married, girlfriend."
The nervousness I felt was eased when I saw my baby in his white linen shirt and dress slacks. He had a warm smile when he seen me too. His little hand came up to meet mine. Abel would give me away and take the walk down the aisle with me. So did all the things everyone had done to make this day special for me helped too.
Outside laid the red carpet with white rose petals for me to walk on. My fur babies stood guard adorning collars of flowers at a large wooden arch covered in so many flowers you could count them all. It began our starting point. It matched the ending with a wooden platform along with even a larger arch where he waited for me accompanied by Boomer, Kenny, Zach and Cody. All I had done was some chairs put out for the guest.
Nicole and Ellie were in place to make their entrance. Before they went before me and I couldn't say anything then. "You could have kept this simple. Thank you."
"Not on my watch, girlfriend. You are a kind person and my sister now. Besides, simple isn't in my vocabulary."
As the music began my two bridesmaids went down the aisle. Kyle handed off Thomas to Boomer because he had fell asleep. It made me smile as Gemma took her grandson and held him close to her. She stayed no matter the differences we had in the past. Just like I was there for her when no one else believed in her marriage.
At first, Abel looked out at everyone staring at us and he froze. "It's okay, baby." With a smile at him of reassurance he regained his step with me as we made our way.
Nero wore the same black dress shirt he married Gemma in. At my request. He stood with a bible in his hand and asked the traditional question. "Who gives this woman away?"
"Me." Abel said it so loudly people down the beach could hear him as well.
"Come here, sweetheart." Gemma called for him while I took the first step on the platform, the first step to my future.
"I want my mommy back when your done." Abel had taken giving me away meant literally. It was my bad because I never thought about explaining it to him. Children had a pure thought process. What you said, was exactly how they took it.
"Come here, buddy." Kyle stopped the ceremony to address the issues. I couldn't have loved him more for it. "She will always be your mommy and I promise to never come between you. Today, when I marry your mommy, you are my stepson. But I already thought of you as my son. Just like Kenny, Thomas and Ellie are my children and you guys are my world." Abel clung to us both. Until I was certain he was happy and understood what was just talked about.
Nero shuffled his bible from one side to his other. He said low for not everyone to hear. "You two are going to be great together. Never forget how how much you love each other today." He opened it and turned it to the page he sough out and was ready to begin.
"Today, we are here to join two people heart's as one beat. Join them in life and in matrimony. They kept love alive as they believe in each other..." Kyle and I heard every word as we lived it's meaning in our world as man and wife. Nero done an incredible job of delivering the love between us. When he came to the end. He gave the sweetest smile to Gemma before he delivered the last part of it. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Do not fail each other."
Nero had us join our hands in unusual way. Our right hands joined together then our lefts with a circle in the opening. Then his covered over ours. He spoke in Spanish with his head dropped, I couldn't understand the words but I felt the love he said them with. "May you always endure all things. Love you, both." When he finished I wasn't certain if what he spoke at the end was the same thing he had said before or not.
"I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Brandon."
The dance was what came next between my husband and I. The song Crazy Love played on while the guest watched us. Usually, I felt uncomfortable in a crowd of people. Especially when all eyes was on me. Today, I just felt the happiness I longed for.
"Do you care if I ask Gemma to dance?"
"Not at all."
Kyle semi had a re pore with her I couldn't any longer reach. She hesitated at first when he asked. But, she came around. It warmed my heart what she said next. "You're good to my grandsons. Always watch over them for me." It was as much approval he would receive from Gemma. Probably more than she would give me these days.
The liquor began to flow. We had ate, were toasted best wishes. When my husband took my hand to go with him. Once we hit the door, I was curious. "Where are we going?"
On the beach was a small wooden raft filled with candles. "They light up the night, the way you light my world, girl. They wipe out darkness and brighten, as you brighten my life. In order for a candle to fulfill itself, it must be lit. You have given me a purpose in life and your love fulfills me. They unify us as one."
It was a private moment we shared together. There were special times marked when the world moved at a slow enough pace you could feel yourself shift like the tides, like the sand. When no matter what else happened in your life you would remember every detail, every minute of it. This was it.
Something had vanished completely that once took over my life, my thoughts. When I took my shoes off and stepped in the water with him and sent that raft to sail on the water into the night. Or maybe we had a small experience that pulled us out of ourselves, if only briefly. When we saw certain trends emerge from our recollection and certain voices emerged that spoke through us. It was those moments that took your breathe away, they breathed purpose and love back into your life.
"I love you, girl."
"I love you, boy."
Most of our guest hadn't noticed we disappeared for almost an hour when we returned. We made our rounds to visit with everyone and thank them for coming and said goodbye to some others. There was an awkward silence when Nero and Gemma went to go. Nero, I had no problems with. He was always the same guy but, her, it was a little rough sometimes.
"Am I allowed to still come around and see the boys?"
"You can come see them anytime you want to. I've never tried to keep them from you."
By the time we saw our last guest out. It was late and I was exhausted. Yet, there was still one thing left to do before we went home.
We didn't have a fancy honeymoon planned out ahead of us. We did however, have the stars above us, the moonlight and each other. The final dance with bare feet in the sand. The waves sounded tranquil throughout the song. Each spoke to my heart.
"All I need in this life is your crazy love, girl. We don't have to travel to another destination. You're my escape, I get totally lost in you. With your hand in mine, I can die a happy man."
As my husband held me we had; one love, one heart, one destiny. To love in the time of trouble, to express daily how much the other meant and to never be to busy to stop and dance under the stars. No matter who thought we were crazy for doing so.
With Thomas at our feet playing in the sand. Kenny, Abel and Zach chasing each other around us. The loud conversation Ellie was having on her phone with someone, probably a boy. We had it all, all we would ever need. Love never fails...
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A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin
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My bounty, is as boundless as the sea. My love as deep; the more I give to thee.
The more I have, for both are infinite.
William Shakespeare
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Be completely humble and gentle; be patient. Bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:2, 4:3
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I hope you enjoyed reading me!
Please forward to the next chapter...