Chapter 41
Angels and Outlaws
Part 5 of 14
Chapter 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, and 43 have been posted. Make sure to read them all. This isn't the end yet. We still have another 6 or 7 chapters to go.
The ground was kissed by the morning dew. It wet my shoes as I walked through it. The heels sunk deep in the ground just like the stake that struck through my heart. It made the deepest pain I couldn't imagine before now. Those moments we shared in happiness were now divided by death and chaos. We were divided by a different place.
The sun beat down upon us already so early. Every trickle of sweat made my nerves stand on edge. It would be a scorcher today no doubt. Just like no doubt today would leaving a scorching mark on my soul forever.
It left me completely breathless as I took the same long walk I had so many times lately. But, this one was like no other I've ever known. For different reasons though. I could hear them making their uniformed sound off in the distance. The closer I got, the further my heart disappeared in sorrow. This was one walk, I would take alone. Just as I would every day from here forward.
…..and the bugles played on.
When the door opened to the back of the car. I closed my eyes to gather myself from completely falling apart here on the spot. If I hadn't constantly reminded myself to just breathe, there would have been no indication I had any life in me left. I hadn't even made it there yet and I was devastated, left alone as a shell of person. Left by the one I loved.
The American flag draped proudly across his casket to the honor the faithful and loyal man he truly was. Each soldier, his brothers, took their positions to carry him to his final resting place. There would be no rest or peace for me without him.
It stopped me in my tracks when the coffin was carried past me. Meat and Boomer both offered their arms in support. I couldn't take them or the thought of being close to his lifeless body as they started up the long hill. I couldn't even move from the spot I was in. I couldn't picture life without him. Without the love he so freely gave me.
…..and the bugles played on.
Their commanding officer, his uncle, took the lead out in front of them. Leading the band of soldiers to honor their fallen brother. "Left, right, left, right." In perfect step and rhythm they moved each time. Never wavering with how connected they were together.
It only served as a reminder of how he was with me. When I moved, he'd move. If I was happy he was an ecstatic goofball. When something was wrong with me, he done all in his power to make it right, make it better for me. We were always in perfect sync with one another in every possible way. When you truly loved someone, they became a part of you. He was a major part, the better part of me.
"Tara. We need to take our seats."
Nicole gave me all the support of loving family member, sister and friend. Maybe, I thought if I prolonged it, it would give me just a few more minutes of precious time with him. But, I knew it wouldn't. I knew he wasn't coming back to me. He was gone forever now.
Slowly, I nodded to acknowledge her. The ceremony was decorated with so many flowers gathered around. One caught my eye; it was the same type of blue I planted on Bobby. With no card of whom they were from. As I approached the chairs they set out. I seen another; the same purple flowers Donna loved so much. With no clue who sent them. The same white peace lilies I planted in between Nero and Gemma then on John's grave. In hopes they were brought to some peace in the after life. I didn't even bother to look where they were from. Because there was no need to. I went and surrendered to my chair, it was time.
"Ready, aim, fire." The first shot rang in a deafening tone. It took direct aim at me, it should have been my firing squad as dead as I already felt inside.
"Ready, aim, fire." The second shot in the air didn't even reach my numbness. I wasn't certain without him if anything could reach me anymore.
"Ready, aim, fire." The third shot was the final blow to shatter what was left of my heart into a million pieces. Cutting me with each piece that shard of it. The pain was the only thing I had left to know I even was alive still.
They folded up the flag with perfect creases and handed it to me. Boomer gave me a grasp on the shoulder before he went and stood behind where Nicole sat. But it was Meat that delivered a staggering message he whispered in my ear. "Kyle loves you more than he ever loved before. You meant more to him than his own life. He would want you to go on and be happy. You remember that. You are our family. We are here for whatever you and the kids need."
While I focused on the meaning of his words. Meat gave Nicole a kiss on the cheek and said something to her as well.
With the flag clutched to my chest I tried to breathe, I tried to get past it. But he was no longer here to do it with me. It rushed me all at once, the things he done for me, for our children. All the little things in this world that made it worth living were gone now.
"We are reminded that death is not the end. We can see our love ones again. Today, Kyle Alex Brandon, went home and was welcomed by his love ones with open arms."
The rest of what the preacher said went right past me. I thought of Kyle's final minutes on this earth. He died a hero to save our family, to save me. Abel had already ran past me by the time I got to him.
A final shot rang out and the last bad guy fell. I seen Kyle coming towards me in the haze of gray smoke, in the smell of death surrounding us, he made it out. Or so I believed until he went to the ground on his knees. He was choking to take in a breath. There was nothing I could do for him. Or to save him like he had me.
"I love you, girl."
Kyle died in my arms with those last words whispered. Before his body went into shock and he made one more long gasp. He took in his final breath of life with the person he loved and love on his lips as much as in his heart. As he lived it with me in our life we had together. At that precise moment, everything good vanished before my eyes.
My screams, pleading with him; please don't leave me. Went unanswered. I cursed the sky, I cursed the love I lost. No one answered them as well.
"Tara, the car is waiting. It's time to go." I understood what Nicole said. But I had to look around me twice. It was already over. Which, I wasn't present for it even though I was right here.
"You go ahead."
"Kyle is gone. I don't want to let go of him either. But we don't have a choice."
"I'll never let him go." A piece of me died when he did, I might as well have been in the box with him. They tried to run me off so they could bury him. But I wasn't leaving. I had to see it through for his sake and mine. I sent my children with Nicole. They didn't need to see this part, me loosing it.
With every scoop of unsettled dirt they took out of the ground. Another reason I missed him, came to mind. It was always the little things you remembered that tore you completely a part.
A few pats of the shovels, they were done. My hell just begun. "I'll do it." They picked up the flowers to put on top of him. I couldn't let them.
"We can get in to really big trouble for letting you." They were just trying to do their jobs. I was just trying to bury my husband.
"We didn't see anything. Come on." The oldest gentlemen of the group pulled the others away. He must have understood.
The flowers laid on the disturbed earth. The lump of dirt they decorated. I hadn't got them all there yet, I couldn't take it any longer. "How could you leave me?" The tears fell with the sorrow that took me over.
I had to cover my ears with their abrupt arrival, their sounds were deafening. On the ground the crows landed one by one. Until the fourth ended their flight. "Why?" I screamed it out, but it went unanswered too.
Their heads shot off all in the same direction. So did mine. It was the most beautiful sight. It soared so high, so freely. It's landing was near. It was near me. On the ground the crow laid a pink ribbon on top of the dirt. It was so close, I could almost reach out to touch it. As I did attempt to, it flew away to join the others.
The white faced crow led them on their journey. They didn't fly in the circle pattern as they had in the past or back and forth together as warning of what was to come. Each one followed it straight up in the sky.
With the ribbon in hand. I laid down next to him on the ground, one final time. Watched them until they were a small dot on this earth on their way up to heaven. My eyes refocused several times, until I couldn't see them anymore.
When I opened my hand. I cried like I had never before. Like a child cries for their mother. Like a wife cries for her husband. The pink ribbon, in gold print; Girl.
For hours, I laid in the same spot. Unable to show any emotion. Unable to move past where I was. Unable to see tomorrow in my sights.
"Tara."
His voice brought me to my feet quickly. "What do you want? Did you come here to marvel in my misery?" Jax lit up a smoke before he answered. The time lapse of the past between us made it even worse to try to communicate with one another. My response to him being near me wasn't what I should of said but today, it would be the best he would get from me.
"I made Kyle a promise. I'm here to keep it."
Jax mentioning Kyle's name sent me into a tizzy fit. I screamed at Jax, my fist beat on his chest of leather. Until my tears altered the words so much he probably didn't understand me anyway. Only, he took it all from me. He didn't lash out or back away. He just held me tighter until I stopped crying.
"I'll give you ride."
"Get the hell away from me."
"Tara, just let me give you a ride. I'll take you anywhere you wanna go. Then, you'll never have to speak to me again. I'll give up my visitation rights for the kids. You can take them wherever you want to. You're right on a lot of things about me. I'm a shitty father, save our boys."
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You are mine, woman, and I am yours. Until you, my life was desolate.
I existed but I didn't truly live. Now I live, even in my death...
Gena Showalter
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For now they kill me with a living death. I shall carry on for her.
William Shakespeare
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Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
Corinthians 13:7-8
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The ground was kissed by the morning dew. It wet my shoes as I walked through it. The heels of them sunk deep in the ground just like the stake that shot through my heart every time I visited here. The sun beat down upon us already so early. It would be a scorcher today no doubt.
"Let's go see daddy."
"Okay, Mommy."
It was a couple of months after Kyle passed away, I found out I was pregnant. Our little girl, Alexandria, looked just like him with flowing long blonde hair and big blue eyes. Her sweet disposition along with her smile, reminded me of him every time she done it.
Every effort was made to keep Kyle alive in Alex's heart. This was a ritual we done together every few months. We visited his grave. I stood back and let her have her moment with him. She rambled on about the new dollies she got on her birthday. Also, how mad she was when Thomas pulled her hair.
"It's time to go, baby."
Alex's little hand went up to her mouth. She placed a kiss on it, then touched his head stone. "I love you, Daddy."
With a kiss to mine, I done the same. "I love you, boy."
A couple glances over my shoulder were made on the way back to the car. I hated to come here, I hated even more to leave him.
"Tell me a story." This was another thing we shared. I would tell her a story on the way home.
"Once upon a time. There was a princess and she fell in love with a handsome prince. He saved her from a life of chaos. He showed her what it felt like to be loved the right way for the first time. They had a love of a life time..."
It didn't take long until Alex fell asleep. The long ride was bad for me because it gave my mind time to wander. It always went me back to the same place, thinking of Kyle and the time we shared together.
After Kyle died, everything changed for me and about me. There were no doubts, no remorse, no fear and no emotions left except for sorrow. I packed up my children and got them as far away from Charming as possible. Along with the kind of life it offered. The very small house I found to rent in a hurry. Left us tripping over each other. But it was home to us.
Once he was gone, it made me realize just how empty my life had really become until he was in it. It completely destroyed me from the inside out. Everything was fine when I was all alone. When I didn't have to feel how loved I was. Sure, I was sad mostly and broken apart. But I was still alright. Now, I was anything but without him.
It didn't worry me be about being alone for the rest of my life as long as my children were happy and safe. No one could possibly ever measure up to him or take his place. When you've experienced that kind of love, you would never settle for anything less than.
I tried my hardest to make a new life for my children. When the real estate agent showed me a fixer upper, it felt like home. The double doors from the kitchen allowed a long walk to the beach. Of course, the house was a wreak. It would take months to fix everything and then some.
When the waves were lapping up to the sand. You could smell the salt in the sea water. It was when the boat horn honked. I knew this was the one, it was our new home. Our fresh start.
"I'll take it."
The agent couldn't whip out the contract quickly enough. She had shown the house a hundred times with no interest in buying it.
With the money Kyle left me, I paid cash for the house. I would still need a lot more for the repairs to fix it up. But, I didn't care. I'd already sold my practice to Dean. He covered for me more than I worked anyway. Once I got the money from it, I would make more decisions. I had to just focus on one day at a time. After I got through that one, I would work on how to survive the next day.
The house took up the void in my life when I wasn't doing something with the kids. On most sleepless nights, I spent it working on the fixer upper. Actually, I got pretty good at it. It was better than crying all night long.
The first room I tackled was the living room. I scrapped wall paper for days while the kids were in school. The paper was old and barely left attached to the wall. Most of it pealed off in sheets. The sea air broke it down over time. Since, it hadn't been occupied for years, it would take a lot to turn it around. In only a week though, I was ready to paint it and have new carpet put in at least in that room.
Unfortunately, it became the time in the afternoon I dreaded the most. Before I left, I raised the window up to let some fresh air in. I inhaled it deep in my lungs. The smell was so refreshing. It calmed me and seemed so familiar, a more stable time in my life.
There was no shame in admitting you needed help. Yet, I was past the point of it. I had no other options left. One night, the bad night, it became obvious I couldn't handle this on my own. Shortly, after I purchased the house. I took the long walk alone to the beach. Every ounce of my being wanted to be with him so badly. I selfishly thought of nothing else.
For hours the moonlight showed me the way. The waves grew higher until they finally reached me. I welcomed the chilly feel of it in. How the wet sand clung to my body. Slowly, I stood and saw the path to take. Each step deep in the sea I went, it just drew me in even deeper.
Your eyes didn't need to be open to see what you wanted to. Mine were tightly shut. The bubbles came out of me until I was completely covered by water. As I sank down to no return, reality sank in. Nothing was more important than my babies faces. I couldn't stop the flashes of them in my mind. I coughed and sputtered water out on the beach for my lungs to clear.
"I'll be with you another day. My children need me." As always, my children had been my salvation. Then was no different either. They were the reason I had to live. Carry on even when I felt like I couldn't anymore. On those occasions when I couldn't drag myself out of bed or the funk I was in. They were the reason, the only reason.
At first, I didn't want to see a psychologist. It was believed it was for only crazy people. But then again, I was on the crazed side of love. I couldn't even look at his pictures without breaking down. When I put them on display, I ended up turning them over out of sight. But I couldn't get him out of my mind.
Within a few visits, I had made some progress. I went to see her daily until I could get my head and heart straight. There were still those times, I clung the pictures tightly to my chest and cried my eyes out. But, I left them up to see them daily now. It was a small step made in the right direction.
"Mrs. Brandon." The doctor came to the door. It was my turn. "How are you feeling? Did you do the exercises I suggested?" She was different than I expected. It wasn't I was crazy and needed to be locked away. She understood what I was going through. We talked for hours and I could have talked for hours more.
The day finally came, when I didn't need her help anymore. I got past it. Then I found out I was pregnant with our daughter, Alex. A piece of Kyle would always be with me. Just another reason for me to get stronger for my children.
It made me sad when I thought of our daughter Kyle would never get to hold, see her grow up or walk her down the aisle on her special day. Alex would never know what her father sacrificed for us or how much of wonderful man he truly was.
In the rear view mirror, I seen her little eyes bat a few times. "Where are we?"
"We're going to do something special today, baby." From the entrance I read her the poem.
"What is this, Mommy?"
"Alexandria's Dream."
"That's my name."
"Yes, it is, baby."
The long bridge brought back so many memories. Alex was already tired. We stopped about halfway. I set down and she set beside me. It was a hard conversation to have with her but nessacary. I spun my wedding ring on my finger. Where to begin and how much would she actually comprehend?
"Do you ever see crows?"
"I saw one in a book."
"Other than that. Have you seen them?"
"No."
The crows had completely disappeared from our lives after Kyle passed away. Ellie never saw them again either, they stopped haunting her dreams. There wasn't a distant glimpse caught of them. When Alex was born, I feared she would bring them back to us. Or worse, they would come for her someday.
At four years old. She wouldn't understand it if I explained it to her. As a mother, I need to make sure it didn't happen. If it did, I needed to know it and do everything in my power to stop it.
"Can I get a sea shell?"
"Yeah, baby."
The sun caught the ring on my hand as they rested on the rail. It reflected a bright gold ray. With a twist of it between my fingers, I took it off. Only to see the real golden circle of our love tattooed on my finger.
"It's so you don't ever forget me, girl."
As quickly as it came off, I put it back on. "I know I have to let you go. I'm just not ready yet." Every time I came here, I felt close to him. Closer today than I had since he'd been gone.
"Mommy, who are you talking to?"
"No one. We need to get going."
The long drive back put Alex out like a light. She might not sleep much tonight. It was okay though, I probably wouldn't either.
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She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances.
She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.
Jonathan Safran Foer
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Death lies on her like an untimely frost. Upon the sweetest flower of all the field.
William Shakespeare
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Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Mathew 5:4
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It wasn't as though I hadn't tried to move on with life, become normal again. I had made a lot of progress with it. The annual doctor's ball was coming up. We were recognized for accomplishments in it. I was to be honored at it for the article I wrote for effects to the blood when it encounters contaminated water.
It was very simple and straight forward, I saw it as a night out. One of my colleagues had asked if I was going. At first I said no, then thought what the hell. I might was well.
"Will you go as my date?"
"Um...I...um..."
"It's okay, Tara."
"You know what, I would really like that. But, it will just be as friends."
The thought of a date didn't truly appeal to me. While most of the socializing done was with my children. It would be nice to have another adult to have a conversation with.
Ellie helped me get ready for it. "You look great." I only smiled at her because I didn't feel great. But the smile went to shit with what she said next to me. "Just breathe."
When he came to the door, I grabbed my purse. There was no need for him to come in and meet my children. He wouldn't be asked back after tonight.
"You better behave young lady. Don't be out to late." My son opened the door for me. Abel hugged me to let me know it was okay with it before I left. He done his best to be the man of the house.
Kenny followed me outside on the porch. He didn't say anything much like normal. Ellie called the boys back inside. I took another look at them before I got in the car.
As we went to back out of the drive. I saw all of their faces pressed up against the window to get a glimpse of my date. Abel held up Alex so she could see too. Ellie's arm was wrapped around Thomas. Kenny stood in the center of them and gave a wave. It was another moment I looked at my family through the same window and knew how lucky I really was.
Tom made small talk on the way. I tried to be responsive and pleasant. But, my heart was still with those five little faces at the window.
He opened my car door as the valet would take it away to park it. It had been so long since someone made that simple gesture for me. I missed it so.
When I felt Tom's hand on the small of my back as we went up the stairs. My body stiffened at this foreign person here. Then, once again, he acted like a gentlemen and opened the door. After I reminded myself several times this was only a one time date and I shouldn't blame him for the way I felt. Slightly, I relaxed and thanked him. Although my heart kept screaming; it would be over soon just endure it.
"Would you like a drink?"
"White wine please."
While Tom went to the bar, I had a look around. The others who would be the main focus tonight had a bio up for all to see. When I came to mine, I ran my hand over it; Doctor Brandon. "I miss you so much." The article was credited to my married name and husband.
"I miss my wife too."
Once I let the shield down around me, Tom and I had a lot in common. We were both trying to put our lives back together after a tragedy of life. He lost his wife to cancer. I lost my husband to evil.
For the rest of the evening we discussed our children, the impact of losing our spouses and everything else that had been thrown at us because of it.
Until they called my name to come up on stage. People applauded for my work and research. Little did they know, it was my life on those pages. When my son's life was in jeopardy. It was personal for me with a hope it would spare another parent from a loss of a child.
"Thank you for tonight. I wouldn't have went without you asking me."
"I should be thanking you. This is really the first time I've gotten out of my house, other than work, in about a year. It gets lonely going out by yourself. Goodnight, Tara."
"Goodnight, Tom."
We both had a reason to go out. But, we also both knew we really weren't ready to get on with life yet. We exchanged a brief hug before I got out of the car.
When I looked up there was only three little faces in the window to greet me. The house was dark in the living room except the flickers from the television that showed their shadows.
"Did you have fun?" Ellie was the first to ask.
"It was okay."
"Don't hold out on us. Did you get any?" It was my son's voice I heard from the hallway on the way to my room.
"Abel Teller." Even though I was stern when I said his name. I took it in the joking context he meant it. I threw my purse on the chair in my room. The heels were the first thing to come off.
As I got ready for bed, I looked over at the picture I kept on the night stand. "I love you, Kyle."
When I laid my head on the pillow. I didn't cry tonight. I only thought about the good times.
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All healing is first a healing of the heart.
Carl Townsend
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How poor are they that they not have patients! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
William Shakespeare
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He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3
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The rumble of the pipes, the roar of the engine. I heard it before I seen him. "Go in the house, Alex." She listened when I told her to do something. Her little legs carried her up the stairs as fast as they could go.
Before he could get off his bike, I made it up the steps too. "What do you want, Jax? You have no business being here. I have custody of the kids. How the hell did you find out where I live?"
"I just wanna talk to you. The lawyer that handled the custody case for me, said this is the last known address for you."
"You need to leave. I have nothing to say to you." Ellie heard what was going on as she came out on the porch. In her hand was my pistol. "Now." I pushed her behind my back before I gave him his last warning. I would protect her from everything bad in this world as long as I could. I took the gun from her and held it down at my leg. He couldn't make it up the stairs to us before I could get him, if it had to go down that way.
"I'm not here to hurt you. I've done enough of that over the years." When Jax went to get in his saddle bag, the pistol came up aimed at him. An involuntary reflex from fear. "Relax Tara, I have something for you."
With each step he made towards us, we made one step closer to the door. Until we reached it and put something between him and us. I latched the lock on the screen. Not that it would stop him if he really wanted inside. But it gave me time to do what was necessary if need be.
"A lot of shit has changed, Tara…I…"
"A lot of shit is still the same. You need to leave."
"Please, just promise me, you will at least read it." When he seen I wouldn't budge. He let out a long sigh before he laid a notebook down at the door and backed down the steps away from me.
"Sure Jax, I promise." Before I slammed the door in his face, I threw it in the trash and I wanted him to see me do it. In fact, I know he saw it because I held the small trash can up high so he couldn't miss it. When I tossed it away like it meant nothing to me. See, all the broken promises he made to me and his family, just like the one I had to him now.
Unfortunately, before Jax left. Abel came home. He didn't get any warmer of a welcome from his son. Jax only said hello to him. But Abel, had a terrible response for it. "Who are you and why are you here?"
"I'm your old man. Don't you remember me?"
"You are not my father. He died years ago." Abel never elaborated if he meant Kyle was considered his father. Or if Jax died in his heart long ago. Which would be his own fault for never having time for his sons because he always put the club before them.
Jax got on his bike and just rode away. He never looked back or attempted to communicate with us anymore. Not that it would have done him any good to.
"What did he want?"
"I don't know, baby. I need to start dinner. Do you want to help me?"
"Yeah."
Arm in arm with my son we went to the kitchen together. I could always tell when the kids missed Kyle. They needed those family moments he instilled in them. Dinner together was our unity time. Since they've gotten older, they were going in different directions. But, those rare and precious moments when we were all at home were still a strong foundation. They would crank up the radio and helped me in the kitchen. Then we would set down at the table as a family. As it was supposed to be. Just as we done when he was still alive.
As soon as the kitchen was clean and the kids were out of sight. I knew what had to be done. The notebook in the trash taunted me when I passed by it. If Jax thought a few words on a page could bare repentance for him. He was sadly mistaken.
With lighter fluid and match in hand. I took it out to the barbecue grill. Saturated it and went to strike the match. To see a steady hand reach out with a lighter and lit it before I could. Abel put his arm around my shoulder. We stood together as a mother and a son. Both needing to get over the past and the heartache it gave us.
Ellie even joined us. Abel's arm went around her too. Sometimes, what broke you down until you have nothing left to give. Sometimes,was what made you stronger and whole again. The love I felt for my children. Along with their love for each other, was proof of it.
However, it wasn't the last I seen of Jax or heard from him. Or the last time I had the past come back around to deal with. Although, I knew when he promised to give me custody and never bother us. He would break it just like all the others he had.
"Don't come back here again." As many times as I slammed the door in his face. You would have thought he could have taken the hint I didn't want to see him.
Just another knock on the door came shortly afterwards. This time, I showed him how I really felt about it. "Get the fuck front off my front porch asshole."
"Is now a bad time? I can come back later."
"Sorry, Nicole. Come in. I thought it was Jax again."
Nicole wanted to talk about him. I didn't and would not. "Please pick another topic. I'm not in the mood to rehash old history. Let's go in the kitchen for some coffee."
"Girlfriend, haven't you even asked yourself why Jax is here? Hanging out around town." Quickly I turned faced her. When she saw I meant what I said. She took a couple of steps back from me. "I'm just saying."
"I do not want to hear his name mentioned in this house again. And I'm not just saying that."
Nicole change the conversation to Holly's birthday party. We could at least have a civil conversation now. I knew my daughter was excited about it.
"I'll come by around noon tomorrow to help out."
Nicole left to go somewhere. I had to get around and go pick up Thomas and Alex. They liked it when I was off of work if I picked them up. Abel and Cody rode together as they caught a ride with Kenny on his way to work. While Ellie drove herself to the local community college. They didn't rely on me much for transportation anymore.
Thomas was in a different school and got out before Alex. I got in the long pick up lane and waited. We would sneak off to get ice cream sometimes. Other times we would visit the library. He loved to read. But today, I had a surprise for my son.
"How was your day?"
"Good." Thomas was a passive child. He done well in school and never gave me a minutes trouble with anything really.
"Guess where we are going?"
"Where?"
"You know the video game you want? I reserved it and it's in today." His eyes lit up and a sweet smile crossed his face. He couldn't wait to pickup his little sister and get home. When the car came to a stop, Thomas was already up the stairs to play. Alex went running for Abel.
"Hey, Squirt." She adored her big brother. In a lot ways Abel had became the man of the house. Or he tried to watch after us all even me. After Alex went on to play. "I think she needs a dog."
"Maybe."
There were many things I wasn't ready for in life. A new dog was one of them. Sophia had passed away just after we moved here. Poor George, she was heartbroken. Her best friend left her. I could sympathize. But when she got sick, it took a toll on all of us. She was our last baby and we held on even tighter to her after Sophia was gone. It hit Abel the hardest. They were a member of our family in our eyes, they couldn't be replaced. It shocked me a little he brought up a dog for Sissy. Maybe Abel had gotten past his loss enough to move on from it. He was right, Sissy would love a puppy but it wouldn't be today though.
"I'm starving." Since dinner would not cook itself, I went to start it.
A long sigh came from me when someone knocked on the door. I pushed my chair away from the table and told the kids to finish eating. When I pulled it open I was ready, only it wasn't him.
"Girlfriend, there is something you need to see. Go get ready, David will watch Alex and Thomas for you." David blew past me with a wave. He got a plate out of the cabinet for him and Holly. Then helped himself.
Nicole wouldn't accept no for an answer or tell me where were going. I didn't feel like doing anything. Most days, I was doing well to get out of bed, put on a happy face for my children and function as a normal person. It took me years of practice to master the task.
"Why are we here?"
"Just watch." She parked the car at the end of the street. There wasn't anything around for us to see or do. It made no sense to me.
It wasn't long until I seen a line began to form at the homeless shelter. They were all trying to get a bed and spot for the night. Along with a warm meal the shelter provided them daily.
My eyes must have deceived me. I seen him, get in the line with everyone else. "What is this shit?"
"The other day I passed by the shelter. Jax was in line with the others. He tried to play it off as if he wasn't. So, I followed him after he left here. He is homeless, Tara. Living in the woods, in a tent just outside of town."
"That's impossible. He is probably on some club mission."
"Girlfriend, open your eyes. Look past the hate you have in your heart for Jax. I haven't seen him wear his leather in the last three days."
When I stopped and thought about it, Jax didn't have it on when he came to the house the other day either. It was a permanent fixture in his life, I just assumed he was wearing it. "That doesn't prove anything. Maybe the club went under the radar and that's why he isn't wearing it."
"Jax applied for a job as the night janitor at the school. I don't think he is in the club anymore. He needs some help and we should help him."
"Do you think it's what your brother would want? For us to help Jax? With everything he has done."
"Yes, I do think he would want us to help Jax. Don't shit on Kyle's memory and all he's done because of your hate you still feel."
"I am ready to go. I don't want anything to do with Jax. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever." Nicole went to say something but I cut that shit off quickly. "This is none of your business and I am done with this conversation. Take me home."
On the couch I stewed at Nicole for getting involved with this. She didn't know Jax like I did. All the shit he was truly capable of doing and had done. Or maybe she was right and I was letting the hate blind me, shitting on Kyle's memory because of it.
"The hate is poisoning me, I guess." A few more sips of coffee while I processed the information. "Nope, I am still bitter as hell."
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A bitter woman says "All men are the same." A wise woman decides to stop choosing the same kind of man.
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He who has injured thee was either stronger or weaker than thee.
If weaker; spare him. If stronger; spare thyself.
William Shakespeare
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When they kept questioning him, he straightened up and said.
"If anyone one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
John8:17
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NINE:
Odin slayed the dragon and it broke in nine pieces.
Odin sacrificed himself to gain power over the runes and learn the secrets of mankind. He hung himself in a tree, he swung for nine days and nine nights and still lived.
New rings every nine days, the golden circles. Two dwarfs named Brokk and Sindri made a beautiful gold ring for Odin. This was a magic ring. Every ninth day the ring would reproduce eight new rings of equal quality of the original ring. The original nine continued the cycle.
Odin watched over the nine worlds from his throne.
As the serpent dies, Oden walks nine steps. As he takes his ninth step, the serpent falls dead to the ground.
The nine goddess of The Library of Alexandria.
The nine daughter of Aegir and Ran.
The nine daughters became the nine mothers of Heimdall, one child.
The failed marriage of Skadi, the god of mountains and Njord, the goddess of seas. After spending nine days in the mountains and nine days by the sea, the couple agreed to separate.
Morrigan had nine sisters. She gave the number nine signification to the completion of the life cycle. Nine establishes universal love and the brotherhood of man.
Numbers rule all things. Pythagoras 580 – 500 B.C., Plato called the study of number symbolism the highest level of knowledge. Pythagoras believed numbers had souls, as well as magical powers. The Pythagorean divided the numbers into groups: odd and even, male and female, light and dark. Nine is the number of magic. Nine is a sacred number. Nine is the number of completion and fulfillment. Nine is a symbol of wisdom and good leadership. Nine is the number of heaven.
Nine men were afflicted with blindness in the bible. Nine men were stoned to their death. Nine men who were resurrected from the dead. Nine days for Lucifer and the other dark angels to fall from heaven. Nine circles of heaven. Nine circles of hell.
Kyle had become obsessed with this research. Which, I never knew about it, none of it and he shared everything with me. Notebook after notebook full of this type of behavior. Or perhaps, I was the one who became obsessed. I tried to make more out of it than it was. As I set on the cold concrete floor going through his boxes. In search for answers. In search for a way to heal my heart.
Numerous times I would come across a page with something wrote on it and I would remember him saying it or expressing it to me. I missed the signs and its meaning then. Now, it meant the difference of what my world changed to without him.
It took forever for me to figure out the web we were all tangled up in. It was half the nine circles from heaven; the inconstant, the ambitious, the lovers, the wise, the warriors of the faith, the just rulers, the contemplatives, the fixed stars of faith, hope and love and the angels. The other half was the nine circles from hell; the limbo, the lust, the gluttony, the greed, the anger, the non conformant murders, the violence, the fraud and the treachery . It captured the good and evil while it spun them together. We as a whole were the ones who continued the cycle of it. The circle rotated through history from good and evil colliding against one another. The children fed it new souls to take so it could continue on.
If it weren't for Tara, her bravery and love of the children. We all would have went straight to hell, the web would have made certain of it. God gave the archangels the most important jobs here on earth and in heaven. She has no idea of the power she holds. But Thomas knew she had to live before it took her blood as sacrifice and he sacrificed himself. John Teller knew too, he counted on her to make it right. He also knew she would save his grandsons from the same fate.
Jax caught on to his part, I'd give him, he is smart. But, what he never understood it was love that conquered it in the end. A pure love of the same amount given and received on the same level. I'd never tell him I knew the truth of how to stop it; only John Teller, Thomas and I knew the secret. The secret of the crows. The showed us the path to take to peace. Its not something you can tell someone, they must feel it in their heart. What I feel for her.
Once I found forgiveness in my heart for Jax on that day when he listened to me, all I seen was love. Over time I forgave my mother for the secrets she held to protect me. As I hold secrets to protect the ones I love. With the same hope someday they understand and can forgive me as well.
Even John, though I never met him when he was alive. Had my forgiveness in the end. Until I met Tara I never knew what it was like to love someone so much nothing else in the world mattered to you. It didn't matter to John either when he loved my mother.
Mathew 18:15- Moreover, if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him of his fault. Between thee and him alone; if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
John 2:9, John 2:10, John 2:11- (9) Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. (10) Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. (11) But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them.
Luke 1:79- To shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.
Peace is all I wish to come for my family. For Tara and my children to live on in happiness.
Through three pots of coffee and the darkness of the night. I finally brought myself to continue to read it. Sometimes through tears shed so fast I had to stop because I couldn't see anymore. At others, I cursed the night, how my life took the turn from complete happiness to sorrow.
There were boxes of his writing. No one could read it all in one night. He began shortly after he met me. It might take me months or years even to bring myself to read it all. I would eventually get there. But, for now. There was only one thing I was trying to find.
When I located his last and final notebook he wrote in. I came to the final entry Kyle had made. In the final days of his life. In the final days I knew what it was like to be loved above all else.
There is no time to be wayward and no time to become unwound. With the darkness at my doorstep, I'm trying to maintain and keep my head straight. There are times of injustice still that cannot be explained. More times I am lost than found. Those down times mixed with days I wonder if I did the right thing. What I've done, I did for her and Abel.
With my back against the wall, I had no choices left, no one else could suffer the pain I still had to come. The devil stood before me, he summoned me with his words. No matter the fight I put up I still succumb to him. He offered me a way out and I took it for her.
With life spinning out of control, it will all soon be revealed. The deal I made with Satan's son, or what I call him while he still walks this earth freely. Will come out eventually, the twisted truths. I only pray he holds up his end of the bargain. Which he swore to me on the lives of the ones who mattered; Abel and Thomas. For I know he can't be trusted, not with his real father still whispering evil in his ear. His back is against the same wall, with no way out just like me. It's the only consolance I have.
The sirens will sound when its time for the spirits to fall. I hear the words of the crows. They tell me to follow the signs, they will serve as my guide. Keep my head held high, go the distance through the darkness and the light. When I reach the end, they will be waiting for me. My father, my will be a constant fixture until then.
I can never tell her the truth, the crows spoke to me for a long time now. I just thought I was crazy because of it until I meet her, they chose her and then they spoke even louder. There was nothing I hadn't learned about them, read or researched about one truth I can't ever share with her and it kills me. It was the only way to truly save Abel from his fate of darkness. It is only my blood that courses through that boy's veins, we are family, he is the same as my son now. The evil no longer exist in him. The evil will no longer have a soul to take to continue the cycle.
All the signs say pick up the pieces. The signs say make our stand as one. We have become stronger with our love and it can't ever be undone. I experienced true love for the first time with her, as John did with my mother. Our love is stronger than evil, it broke the circle, the cycle has ran it's course. She and the children will be set free .I will be set free just like John is now and his father before him. Zach will never know our curse.
With every smile I see from her with them, I still become weak in the knees and have to catch my breath. It's when I am reassured, I did the right thing. There will be peace when I am done. She is loved, she was loved, she will always be loved by me even when I'm gone and that love is what will set her free.
The search began through box after box in the garage of Kyle's things. I found my divorce papers, the day Jax signed them was the same day Kyle started writing in this notebook. The next day he bought insurance policies for all of us. Mine was a huge one, the children divided one of the same amount equally. He signed over everything he owned and his retirement to me the very next day.
"I can't tell you what we said, Tara. It is between me and Jax. He just listened to everything I had to say, like I did him." Those simple words Kyle spoke at the time had no significant meaning then.
Neither did the fact my son was instantly healed. Abel had gone on to be strong and a healthy child. Just like his uncle had. An overnight miracle. All the signs of the heart he suffered, my son suffered no more. Was this what was necessary to save my son from his fate and sickness? Was it the blood that healed him? Was this the same that had happened when Thomas was a child and John Teller left this earth? Was this why Thomas gave up his own life so my children could live on?
The story Donna's preacher had told me so long ago about demons, blood and the sins of a father. There was another thing I came across tonight, I hadn't in so long. With my mother's bible in hand I searched for it.
Leviticus 17:11- For the life of the flesh in the blood: and I have given it to you upon the altar to make an atonement for your souls: for it the blood maketh an atonement for the soul.
It was the only way to truly save Abel from his fate of darkness. It is only my blood that courses through that boy's veins, we are family, he is the same as my son now. The evil no longer exist in him. The evil will no longer have a soul to take to continue the cycle.
Over and over I read it. Then the bible verse again. Unfortunately, I wasn't as religious as I should have been. There were still things I didn't understand. But the more I read about it, the more I had to know and find the truth.
The word atonement held the key. It was the reconciliation of God and humankind through the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ. For Roman Catholics reconciliation was sacrament of penance.
"Jesus Christ, Kyle knew the entire time. He sacrificed himself, he did it all for love."
There would be no rest or anything else tonight. I kept busy throughout it. The sun had barley came up when Ellie startled me. "Tara, what are you doing?"
"This is our wall of the family circle. What do you think?"
"It's okay, I guess."
It took me the rest of the night. To find them all. I started with a large picture of Kyle and I. We were the center of the circle. Alexandria, Abel and Thomas were the beginning of the next one. Jax and Wendy was what I went with to build another. Their picture together was the creation of my son, Abel. Kyle Jenny, I could only find the small picture he had in his mother's bible, they represented Zach and his father was proud of him.
The pictures of Kyle with his son and him with all the other children in the memories we built as a family. I didn't forget Opie and Donna either, Kenny and Ellie were my children too. I even found a couple of young Kyle and Thomas together as they served in the military. Thomas with Jax when they were small children at the beach, it was Gemma's prize possession. The end of it was Gemma with John, also her and Nero. With the final one hung of Gemma in the center of Jax, Thomas and Kyle. After I counted the circles, there were only eight.
"The last circle hasn't been determined yet. It's because of you, Kyle, my family lives on. I will eventually find the forgiveness you had in my heart. I love you and always will."
It was time for me to find my own way. It was time I made a visit to Charming to find out what really happened. Nicole took the kids for the weekend. Maybe a break from life was what I actually needed.
What I expected to find was nothing like what I found though. How you wanted things to become wasn't how it always ended up either. What you once believed changed as you lived on. You either grew from those changes or they done you in.
The town was a stranger to me. Main street had been demolished, completely knocked down and replaced. Charming was far from the big city lights yet. But, it was definitely on its way to a more modern style of living.
A pit stop was in order after all the miles I drove. After I used the restroom I stood in the long line to get a drink. The girl who waited on me was a friendly McDonald's employee.
Small towns were deceptively quiet and offered you a beautiful quaint life. Of course they only just seemed this way. There were many emotions bubbling under the surface and always a sub plot to the real story. Feelings ran deeper in a small community because everything seemed personal on every level.
It was something the Sons were especially good at. "We take care of our own." slogan while they stoked fear until you believed it. They made you believe it because they held the power to. When you had that kind of mentality. Eventually it was the inevitable insularity would overcome them. The ignorance of or lack of interest in cultures, ideas, or peoples outside one's own experience would cause a war the club couldn't contain anymore. The possible conflict with people from outside the town and the club. From the looks of things now, the people must have won.
While I looked around. Somewhere along the lines, the towns people stopped believing the Sons could protect them and they got pushed out. As new housing additions were built, franchises came, a new set of people moved in and took over control. Time just caught up with the outlaws.
It wasn't just the new stores and houses here. It was all the secrets bared of the town and what the Sons were built upon. When those secrets became public, there were stiff repercussions to be paid. It only amplified your problems. Soon your indiscretions were put in context to be judged on your weaknesses. There was a comfort knowing everyone around you, but it was also a doubled-edged sword you would fall on eventually.
Then, I came in front of it and stood. The top secrets of the town, matriarchies' old house. Gemma knew all the old classified information only she held. The knowledge of the lies and deceit died when she had.
When I was a small child everyone envied this house and wanted on the inside. Gemma was the most feared and admired female to ever live in Charming. You gained wealth and power from being associated with her or the club. Until they let you in their circle of trust because there was no way out. Other than the inevitable, death. But, there was one secret even the queen was never privy to. One secret she couldn't spin or control. Like she had done to everything else.
One secret that ended up killing off everything she loved and had left. I was the one who told Gemma the truth. It was an internal struggle with myself of right and wrong. I left those divorce papers on her doorstep along with what John had wrote to Kyle's mother. There were three things that couldn't ever be hidden forever; the sun, the moon and the truth. It was wise not to seek a secret and more honorable to never revel it. I still had a lot to learn in life back then. But, I should have known honesty when it hurt someone else was over fucking rated.
It ended up costing my children their relationship with their grandmother. I alone held complete responsibility for Gemma's life ending without her love ones constantly by her side and all the times she could have had with them. If I had the choice of doing it all over again. I would let the guilt of the secret eat away at me and me alone. I would let it run its course throughout my life time. But most of all, I would never let it affect hers. The truth would set your soul free while it claimed another.
There was always the old right or wrong choice to make. But, sometimes when you thought the right thing made the future set straight by clearing up the past. All you had done was destroy someone else to make yourself feel better about it. In the end it was all you accomplished, made yourself just feel better about not carrying the lie to your grave. Gemma took many to hers.
"I'm sorry, Gemma. I never intended for it to work out the way it did." Those weren't just empty words I spoke. Those were the same words that I left this town by. Those were the silent words I said on so many occasions as well to my children. It would be some secrets and guilt I carried to my own grave.
This was where I walked away without looking back just like I had all those years ago. It was suppose to be out of sight, out of mind. Only it worked in reverse for me. It was a constant pain in my heart.
Tight nit communities were friendly to newcomers. But I knew all to well, there were expectation set for them. They toed the line and blended in with the fabric of the town or you didn't survive long in it. On the walk back to the car they waved, smiled or gave me a greeting. Even though I acknowledged them back, I knew to keep my distance. When I lived here I became isolated from the rest of society and perhaps from myself to a certain degree.
Once I made it out the first time. You would've thought I was smart enough to never come back here. Then again, it was my destiny. I wouldn't have my beautiful children if I hadn't. I also wouldn't have been taught about real love either and all the things that goes along with it.
There wasn't really much else I needed to see to know what had happened. Blue collar crimes passed by the need of outlaw justices. As things changed and evolved so did the need for the Sons to be here. Those who weren't killed in the process by other gang bangers, were no longer welcomed. It didn't explain in detail what took place for Jax to leave. Although it screamed out the reason too.
It took me a bit to find the old street I used to live on. The town was so built up now, so many new roads and avenues added. Our old house, we made a home, was now abandoned. A foreclosure letter still taped in the window. When Jax had a cash flow problem, the bank never once reported the payment as late before. They gave him and all the club members all the time they needed to make their house loan current. The banker knew what the club would do to him or his family if he ever crossed them.
As I looked on the inside, through the window. Everything was still in place just as I left it; the furniture, clothes on the floor and child toys that got left behind. It appeared nothing had been touched after all theses years. The most important thing was missing, a happy family who called it home.
On the walk around the house, I seen the same holes George had dug. The spot I planted flowers when I moved in, a happier time. Where my son played, he grew as a child and I grew as a parent. No matter what happened in your life, it still made you feel like you lost something. Even though you gave it up on your own.
A sweet sound caught my attention. They made a unison song when the slight breeze blew around them. I remembered the day Thomas and I hung the wind chime. It made me smile, it survived as well all this time. It would have a new home with me as I took it down from the house.
There was only one more stop to make before Charming became a permanent distant memory in my mind. Why I even thought it would be recognizable was beyond me. The old clubhouse was gone as it was blown to rubble. An office had replaced it. The old wooden fence was knocked down. Cars filled the parking lot now. The car dealership used the garage as a part of their business. Today, it was business as normal, in a normal town with average people.
From the rear view mirror; Welcome to Charming sign got smaller and smaller. It was behind me now by miles. It's exactly where it would be left too, behind me. Where I could finally forget the past and learn to forgive in the future.
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You must forgive others to earn your own forgiveness.
Jonathan Romain
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Pray you now, forget and forgive.
William Shakespeare
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Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and
you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven.
Luke 6:37
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The hotel I stayed overnight didn't give me any better sleep or much comfort. Actually, it only made it worse. I stuffed all the pillows I had around me. I missed my children, I missed my family. "I might as well get up and drive home."
In the middle of the night I made my way back to those I loved. But, I still wasn't ready to face the day yet. It was the only place I had left to run to for serenity. The sun came up just enough to cast those beautiful rays across the calm water.
On the long bridge I was alone. But in my mind I relived those days when I wasn't. All the good and not so good memories I had at this place. It was a calmer time in my life like the current in the water.
"I know what you want me to do. I'm...I'm just not sure I can." Of course, I wasn't certain Kyle heard me. But I had to hold the faith he had.
With a handful of sand I watched it slip through my fingers. Just like I watched everything else do the same. After I checked my watch, I had to get moving if I was going to get it done.
The path you took sometimes looked bleak. Around me people had no homes, no one who cared and mostly no hope of a good tomorrow to come. As I made my way past them. Perhaps, I had forgotten how fortunate I truly was.
Tents strung in a line where families tried to survive for just one more day. All they had was the fact they were still together.
"I'm just…." He began to pick up what few belongs he had scattered around on the ground. When he seen me approach.
"Jax, I know you have nowhere to go. So lets not waste time pretending otherwise. I took a trip to Charming. The club is gone. No family left to lean on. You have probably ran out of money by now too. There is a small guest house behind my house. It's not much, just one room with a bathroom. I was going to turn it into a play place for my kids. You can stay there if you want to until you can get back on your feet. But they're rules you will follow or you are out on your ass. Do not mistake this act of kindness for anymore than what it is. If you cause any problems for me or my children, you are gone."
He swallowed the lump in his throat. It pained him to speak the words. "Thank you, Tara."
"Don't thank me. Thank Kyle, because if it weren't for him. You would not come near me or my children."
"Understood."
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Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion,
smile through the tears and remind yourself that everything happens for a reason.
Unknown Author
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God controls everything, as it happens for a reason. Everything will work out as it is destined.
William Shakespeare
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Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses.
He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future,
but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what it does.
Ecclesiastes 3:11
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I hope you enjoyed reading me!
Please forward to the next chapter posted...