Chapter 42

Angels and Outlaws

Part 6 of 14

Chapter 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, and 43 have been posted. Make sure to read them all. This isn't the end yet. We still have another 6 or 7 chapters to go.

It was hard enough to blend different families together as one to live in blissful peace among each other. It was even harder to put a family back together from what it once was. To pickup where you left off and pretend it wasn't torn a part and you grew away from one another. Second chances at anything were rare. But Jax, he had been given so many chances he didn't take already or just dismissed them all together without a second thought. My children were really confused by it come the next morning when they woke up and he was a welcomed guest at their home.

Abel just shook his head with disapproval when he seen Jax cleaning out the guest house. Abel went back inside with nothing more to say about it but a loud slam of the door told it all. Poor Ellie, she left for school without as much as a word spoken to me and she didn't even try to hide the fact Jax's presence angered her. She wore her emotions on her face and I didn't have to ask what she thought about it either. I don't think Thomas could have cared either way really because he didn't even acknowledge his father was here.

To Thomas, Jax wasn't someone who was ever a part of his life so no harm done. It took more than just being called a father to be one. Sissy set with me on the step, just watched it all take place. The only helpful one was Kenny. He offered to assist Jax to move stuff around.

Yes, Kenny was my problem child at times. He was very similar to Opie in a lot of ways. So much Kenny worried me, he would go down the familiar evil path of ruination. Especially with the influence of Jax around. It was the constant concern with all this. It thrust my children back to the same place we ran from.

It was pure torment for me. If I done nothing to help Jax I lost grace and my compassion for another human being. But, since I had, it was the anxiety it would send my children back in time to choose the same path I would have died to keep them safe from.

But today, I watched Kenny be a grownup. No judgement passed on the past history of his father, the club or Jax. My son just wanted to lend a helping hand. As much as I wanted to find fault in it, I couldn't. So, I just watched in silence and let them be.

"Maybe I am making progress too. Come on Sissy, lets make something to drink for Kenny. He looks pretty hot."

The glasses were up to high for her to reach them. She liked to help me out. The fact was she stuck like glue to me most of the time. I got down a glass and her plastic one. While I got the pitcher of lemonade out of the frig. I let her push the ice button to fill up the glasses. For some reason it made her day. She thought it was magical for the cubes to appear.

"What about Jax? Doesn't he get one?"

"No."

"Why?"

"He's not thirsty."

"Why?"

"Because."

"I'll go ask him."

"Sissy, wait for me." She was already at the front door before I got the pitcher set down on the table.

This was where it got murky with Jax staying here. Alex was Kyle's daughter after all. I wasn't certain how Jax would react to her, what he might actually do. If his hate would be passed down to her. If he done anything to our daughter. God help him, because I'd rip his fucking head off.

"Do you want some lemonade?" Her little arms twirled around at her side as she waited for Jax to answer her.

Jax just stood their with a confused look on his face at first. He stared a long time at her. I'm sure it was hard on him looking in the face of his brother. She was just like Kyle in looks and personality. "Sure." Was all Jax would say.

"See Mommy, he is thirsty."

However, Sissy and Thomas was the easy ones to deal with on the situation. By the time evening rolled around I had others angered by it was well. I excepted Nicole to have a fit. But she didn't. Boomer exploded when he learned about Jax staying with us.

Boomer displayed no emotions that surprised me or I hadn't already had myself on the topic. I understood where he was coming from. It still didn't change it, but I understood. Even Nicole tried to get him to ease up about it.

"Jax needs help. I'm the one who told Tara."

"You told Tara what?" It was a loaded question from her husband she answered to the best of her ability. But, this was my decision so I would answer him.

"I went to Charming. Everything is gone and changed from what it was. Jax is homeless, no money and nowhere to stay. Kyle taught me, to be kind to others. Even ones who have wronged you. That's what I'm doing for Jax. He is my childrens' father." Boomer may not have liked my explanation but it was what it was. I would feel terrible to loose him as a friend and brother in law over it. He had been wonderful to me and the kids. Especially since Kyle had been gone. But again, it was what it was.

"He will get over it. I'll call you tomorrow, girlfriend."

Nicole left shortly after her husband. Boomer didn't get over it though. Neither did my children. They expressed their disapproval every chance they got. Ellie refused to acknowledge Jax was here. She made every attempt she could to make sure he had no doubts how she felt about him. While Abel, took a completely different approach, very direct about it.

"I can help if you want." Abel was working on the old car in the driveway with Cody. Jax offered his services to the boys, a peace offering. Although, they didn't have time for him. The same way he treated his sons when they where small and longed for his attention.

"No thanks."

Jax picked up the wrench anyway from where it laid on the engine. It only angered my son even more. "I don't need your help. I didn't need you growing up and I don't need you now either."

Jax laid the wrench back where it was. He nodded to his son as he understood exactly what and why Abel said what he had. With a close of the door to the guest house, Jax shut out his past as well. Shut off the bridge he opened for his son to crossover to.

Sissy was playing with Molly in the front yard while I watched them from the front porch. I tried to ignore Cody and Abel's conversation. Although I couldn't.

"I hate him. He is not my father."

The conversation only got worse from there too. I tuned it out and continued to watch the girls play. Not long after Jax left on his bike. He didn't say where he was going and no one asked didn't ask.

Nicole came and picked up Molly. The boys finally fixed what they were working on then took it for a drive. Boomer took Thomas to Boy Scouts and Ellie was out on a date. It only left me and Sissy at home.

"How about we go get pizza?" She was all for it. When we went out she liked to get her little purse. Wrap up one of her baby dolls to take on the ride.

After we ate I let her play in the tunnels with the other kids. She would have stayed all night if I let her. But it was close to her bed time and mine. On the way home I couldn't believe what was weaving in front of me.

The bike swerved over the line numerous times. I was surprised he didn't lay it on the ground as unsteady as it was. When it hit the driveway, the rider couldn't walk any better than he rode. He didn't get very far until he fell to the ground. It would be where he stayed for the night too.

"Mommy, is Jax okay?" It scared Sissy, what she witnessed.

"He's fine." You couldn't exactly explain to a child he was drunk and or high. My answer was the simplest to give. I flipped the light off when we went inside.

Alex crawled up on the couch and moved the curtain. "Won't he get cold?"

"He's fine." It was the same response to a series of questions my daughter asked me.

If the situation had been different, I would have been proud of how persistent my daughter was. However, I couldn't teach her to not be concerned for others. So, when she wanted to cover him up, I went along with it.

Sissy spread the pink knit dolly blanket over Jax's back. As he laid face down in the wet grass. It really wouldn't do anything to keep him warm. But, in her eyes, she was done the right thing for another person. The way it made her happy and smile. It only made me think of her father.

"It's time for bed."

It wasn't the last time my children had to watch and witness Jax falling from grace. His drinking problem only became worse. When he got jittery or restless. I already knew it was time for another fix, a bender to make himself feel better. He would lock himself in the guest house for days until he came down off of it. He fooled no one, especially me.

It finally got to the point I said something to him about it. Even though he wasn't a direct influence on my children. It still effected them too. "Jax, you need to get some help. I know a good support group you can..."

"I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you." I wasn't certain if this was a sarcastic comment or if he truly had any remorse. But, it didn't really matter either way.

"This is not about me and you. If you don't get help soon, you will not live to see fifty. I'm trying to help you, Jax. I really am."

"What do you care if I live or die?" Before Jax made his exist from my home. He had more to say about it. "It is always about me and you. Even if you won't admit it. Besides, what the fuck do I have to live for? You got no idea what it's like to pray you were the one they took. Instead, I get to live with the shit everyday."

It wasn't uncommon for someone with an addiction to lash out when confronted with the problem. But until Jax decided he wanted some help and actually had a problem, it was a futile attempt on my part. I locked the door and flipped off the front porch light. "Fine, do it your way. You always have."

In only two weeks from the time we last talked. Everything fell to shit. "Tara, something is wrong with Jax." From what Kenny described to me. Jax was extremely ill. I grabbed my medical bag and instructed the kids to stay there. Wait for me to come back to the house.

Since I wasn't sure what I would walk into. I used caution with my children. But, Kenny didn't know the signs as well as I did. Jax was on the floor, laying in his own sweat. His boxer briefs wet and stuck to his body while he shook furiously.

A swipe of my hand on his forehead indicated a boiling temperature. The redness around his eyes wasn't as bad as how they were bleeding from his heart when he opened them up to look at me. "Are you having withdraws from drugs or alcohol?"

"Probably a little of both."

It took all Jax's strength along with mine to get him up on the couch. The wet cloth I placed on him ran under cold water until it was saturated. It wasn't enough to sop up the poison he was trying to get out of his body. The towel on the bathroom floor may not have been clean, but it helped with what he needed. Under the faucet in the bathtub I soaked it. Then laid it across his chest.

What helped Jax in one way, only made his body hurt and cramp in another. His knees came up to his chest and the chills took his body over. The only thing I could find to use was the old comforter on the floor I gave him. After I doubled it up, I tucked it around him. Once his legs moved to straighten out, I set down on the edge of the couch to think what to do next.

The envelope that came to the house for Jax was on the coffee table in plain sight. With a wadded up rejection letter from a company he applied at. Sure, maybe I was extending a boundary by reading it. With what I was doing for him, it pushed my boundaries as well.

The reason they wouldn't hire Jax, he failed the drug test. They found high traces of alcohol in his system as well from the drunken night he had before. There was no way in the condition he was in, he could even get a minimum wage job at this point.

"I'll be back." Really I spoke to myself. He wasn't coherent enough to probably even hear me. Or knew I left him.

From the kitchen table I grabbed my keys. The drug to soothe the bends, I didn't have in my bag at home. It would take a trip to the office.

"You're going to help him." It was the way Ellie said it. With disappointment in her voice and hate on her lips.

"Yes, I am. It's the right thing to do."

"Well, that's debatable." Her snarky comment didn't defer my decision I made. I understood her position, but it still didn't change mine.

On the way, I reflected upon many things. Jax was almost child like, he had to learn a new way of life on everything. Be taught how to conduct himself in every aspect of life on every level. Each day brought a new challenge for him to conquer. Then my daughter's words were thrown back in my face. Was I helping him to get better? Or was I truly enabling him by excuses I made as I had so many times before?

"You are so fucking stupid." Yet, I still took the bottle of pills home to help him.

For the rest of the night, I remained by Jax's side. He had no one in this world who cared any longer if he lived or died. He was no longer put up on a pedestal of admiration, no one cared who he was or the past power he once obtained. But, he no longer had power over anyone who was consider beneath him, no one cared of his demands. He no longer controlled mine or my children's lives either, I cared greatly about that.

The hair was matted to Jax's face when he lifted up his head up. I threw the blanket off me I grabbed from the closet at home and made him get up on his feet. In the brown bag I found last night, was an upper pill for the morning. To make him feel alive with no pain. One to level him off that brought him down from his high in the afternoon. The final one to put him out in the evenings. Those combined, badly conflicted his body so he didn't know where he was or how he felt most of the time from the drugs. Along with some weed I kept. "Is this your only stash?" To the bathroom I went with it in hand.

"Are you gonna flush it?"

"I'm not going to flush it, you are. If you want my help, you have to help yourself first, Jax."

He made the first step towards recovery. Each little baggie contained something to make him high, feel good for a while and forget about real life. With several flushes, he gave up the temptation to do them again. Not that he couldn't go get more. I just hoped for his sake, he wouldn't.

The deal we had in place was he would take a pill in the morning to help with the bends he continued to have. In the evening he took another one and along with a different pill so if he drank, he would become deathly ill. But he had to take them in front of me so I knew he made the effort to get his life straightened out.

Jax was extremely thin, he never was a big eater. Mostly because he stopped eating but once a day if that much. That all changed too, a healthy fresh start for him. We started slowly with a piece of toast and fresh fruit along with all the coffee, milk or juice I could get down him. For lunch he either had a half of a sandwich, a small bowl of soup or sometimes I would bring him fast food on my lunch break. Dinner was the hardest meal for him. I invited him to set down with us at the table to eat. Another event he had to learn about normal every day life in a social type setting.

He was fidgety and pushed his food around on the plate. If one of the kids said anything to him, he would answer and remained quiet the rest of the time. His eyes gazed around the table when he looked up. For the most part his head stayed down.

"Thanks for dinner. I'm not really hungry." Jax only made it about five minutes before he bailed out the door. This wouldn't be the last time he was in this same situation of every day life. It was something he had to cope with and eventually overcome.

"His dinner is booze anyway."

"Abel." When I said his name, he knew to say no more. He let the subject go and so did I.

We didn't discuss Jax for the rest of the meal. When I cleared the dishes though. Ellie had something to say about it. "Jax doesn't belong here."

"You're right, he doesn't. He has nowhere to go. It's only temporary until he can get back on his feet and take care of himself."

"Well, that's a big assumption he ever will be capable to take care of himself. Because we both know he will never take of a family." She slammed the plates down on the counter beside me and left before I could address it with her. All of her anger wasn't just towards Jax. It was for Opie too. Along with what her father taught her about his kind of life, the kind of life that destroyed their family.

Ellie wasn't the only one who harbored ill feelings from the past. Most of the time when I looked at Jax. All I seen was how broken he made me and our children when we were together. Today, all I saw was a man who was broken without any family left or purpose in life. Perhaps, if I hadn't had the kids with me I wouldn't have done as well as I had. I tried to give him that benefit of a doubt, if he had custody of our children. If I never got to spend time with them. If I hadn't gotten to watch them grow up. I probably wouldn't be alive today.

"I'll deal with it later." After Ellie had a chance to calm down I would have a talk with her.

"Deal with what, Mommy?"

"Nothing, baby. Eat your cake." Sissy still set at the table with her desert in front of her.

"Maybe Jax wants some cake?"

"Sissy, not now."

Alex was head strong when she wanted something. I didn't think Jax would answer the door when we went over. I held her hand across the yard, then the plate while she knocked.

"Here." She held up the plate as high as she could. "A piece of cake or ice cream is what me and Mommy have when we're sad. We're out of ice cream. I saved my cake for you."

"This is your cake, kid? Why would you give it to me?" It seemed out of Jax's comprehension, someone could do something nice without wanting anything in return for it. He just missed it when his sons were little. Because they were the same way. Back then Abel would have given anything to spend time with his father and never wanted anything except his father's love in return.

"Because." Alex skipped back to the house. It was her answer for a lot of things.

"Goodnight, Jax." I excused myself because it was an awkward situation for everyone involved. Unusual turn of events. If someone told me he would stay at my home, I would have claimed they were crazy. Or perhaps, I was the crazy one for allowing him to stay here.

Nothing in life came easily or free for that matter. It was just a fact. Over the next couple of weeks. I kept Jax, his demons, contained and away from any reminders of that kind of life. When he got on edge and was about to go over the cliff; I found something for him to do. The key was to keep his mind and hands occupied enough to get past the desire. Until the next one came on, then you switched him up to something different.

For the kids when they were small, I bought paint by numbers kits. There were still several left in the closet. This was what he always relied on. It was his stand by to stop the demon from taking over the progress he made. If the truth were known, I kept the first painting he actually finished. After I fished it out of the trash. On the back I wrote the date, the date Jackson Teller became a man who wanted a better life for himself.

He got the tough program of recovery from me though. I cut him no slack on anything but still showed him I could be someone he could reply on in his time of need. We weened him off the shit by the occasional joint and a lot of smokes. Some cursing and a lot of tantrums. The booze didn't seem to make a difference to him at the moment. I'm sure the temptation to drink was still there. But other threats to his system, were more prominent. They were declared the biggest problem to overcome.

You always expect some set backs when you detox. Today was one of them. "I'm gonna go out. I'll be back."

"No." My head shook slowly. Even after I stopped talking to him.

"Fine, I'm gonna go get a pack of smokes. I'll be back."

"You have no reason to go anywhere." From my purse I took out a pack of smokes. Tossed them on the table for him.

"I gotta get outta here. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I'll just go for a ride." Jax was out the door and on his bike before I could protest it. Since he wasn't going to do as he pleased anymore and stay here. I went behind him outside.

Jax exploded on me. He obviously needed to lash out at someone and I allowed him to ramble on. "You don't know how hard this shit is on me. I don't fit in here. So, why don't you just get the fuck off me."

"Actually, I do understand, Jax. I never fitted in your world, was accepted or understood it. So, get over yourself." Willpower was a muscle. The more you trained, the stronger you become. I spent many years in training to get this far.

"I never forced you to be part of my world."

"I'm not forcing you to be here either." Again I shook my head my head no. "If you leave, take your shit with you and don't come back." On the porch I stood with my arms crossed. If he decided to cross the line back to the old life he once knew, he was gone. No questions asked. No mercury shown. No more chances to be around his children.

The key turned to kill the motor on his bike. He was slow to exit off it. It wasn't a pretty sight but he worked it out for himself. "Fuck." He screamed other profanity out as he beat the side of the garage with his fist. The empty shattered beer bottles bounced off the walls inside the guest house. At least he made it back inside safely. The bottles, which, I refused to pick up for him since he didn't clean the guest house himself, came in handy for something.

"Goodnight, Mr. Teller. There may be hope for you yet." I flipped the light off on the front porch. Checked on the kids before I went to bed.

We would see in the morning if Jax made it through the night and made the right choice. Or if he couldn't live as a normal man, he didn't stand a prayer to make it in this kind of life. We would see if he was or wasn't willing to give up the booze and junk for his children. As a father who wanted to still be in his children's lives would. I would not baby him or tell him again either.

The alarm rang out cruelly the next morning. It was time already to get up. I could hear the television in the living room. The kids were on Cartoon Network. As I headed to the kitchen for coffee, I also heard loud banging that only got louder.

When I peeked past the curtain through the window, Jax had fixed the steps on the back deck. As I examined farther, hell he had painted half of the garage. I would assume he found a way in the night to keep himself busy.

With two coffee cups in hand, I went out to see all he had done. I offered one to him. "Thanks. I ran outta paint I found in the garage. If you'll get more, I'll finish it."

"Will do."

"Mom, I'm hungry." Thomas let me know it was breakfast time. When I turned back around, Jax was gone.

Maybe it was better this way. I didn't make a big deal about Jax painting the garage. But I also, didn't make a big deal about what happened last night either. This could benefit the both of us. If Jax continued to help me fix things up, I would pay him. Then, he could earn some money of his own again.

It actually surprised me he made it through it on his own. Now, I would take a step back and let him have some breathing room.

Just like everything else though. When you let your guard down. Was when you received the most disappointment. "That son of a bitch." In the middle of the street, I flipped a u-turn. Jax's bike was parked in front of the seedy bar he liked to hang out at. I was already late getting home and now this shit to deal with. Pissed off, I stomped all the way there after I parked the car. He'd been clean for a couple of months. All that hard work was down the shitter. Perhaps, he didn't heed my warning from last time.

What I found inside wasn't what I thought at all, it shocked me tremulously. Three full shot glasses set in front of him on the bar. Intensely he wrapped a stir stick around his finger then unwound it. To repeat the process again.

Jax licked his lips, he wanted it so badly. He didn't look at the glasses, he looked through them. Whatever he seen on the other side was blocked by the demon he saw before him.

As I went to back out of the bar, I stumbled in to a guy. I wore half his beer and he wore the rest of it. So much for a quiet exit without anyone noticing me. Everyone in the bar looked at us, including Jax.

Since, he knew I was here. I took the bar stool beside him. I didn't really know how to start the conversation with him. Although, I didn't have to, he done it.

"I've caused so much pain for you, Abel and Thomas. I had the bartender pour a shot for each of you. You don't know how bad I want to get wasted so I don't feel that pain." Jax's eyes closed tightly, he breathed in as much as he could before he let it out. "I don't need it. I'm gonna stay clean like I promised. Get a job and get my shit together." He tossed money on the bar, then headed to the door.

This was where I could have ended it. Let the shit go and never spoke to him again about it. But, I didn't. I'd been so hard on Jax. I felt like he needed to hear it from me. "I'm sorry. I owe you an apologize. Honestly, I thought I would find you falling down drunk or worse."

"It's okay. I've never given you a reason to not doubt me. I should be the one to apologize. I know what I've done to you over the years, Tara. If I could take it back, I would. But, I can't." Jax fired up his bike and drove away. Left me standing on the street cursing myself for once instead of him.

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If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts;

but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.

Francis Bacon

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Doubt thou stars are fire.
Doubt that the sun doth move.
Doubt truth to be a liar.
But never doubt I love you...

William Shakespeare

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Jesus said. "Blessed are those that believe without seeing."

John 20:29

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I hope you enjoyed reading me!

Please forward to the next chapter posted...