Chapter 45
Angels and Outlaws
Part 9 of 14
Chapters 44 and 45 have been posted. Make sure to read them both.
A conversation with a reader got me to thinking and she is awesome by the way. How many times do you think a crow appeared in The Sons of Anarchy? I'm not counting the words said such as SAMCRO or crow eater either. This is for Season 1, Episode 1.
1) In the very beginning the black crow is seen on the highway with what looks like bread. As Jax rides down the highway.
2) Gemma is feeding her black crow when she is in the bedroom with Clay. They were talking about John Teller.
3) Tara's crow tattoo when Gemma lifts up her scrub at the hospital.
4) The wrist tattoo of Jax. In honor of John Teller with the crows in flight. It was when he is in the storage unit and began to read about John.
5) The crow caws when Jax is at Opie's house. After Donna freak out in the garage about the fact Opie is back with the club.
The crows caw throughout the other episodes as well. You just have to listen for them. Episode 2; Half Sac in the graveyard digging up the body. And so on...
They caw when a character is struggling with a right or wrong decision. Family or club. Coincidence?
The crow caws to remind us to follow our true heart.
The crow has always been there. Pretty wild huh...
Life had calmed down a lot in the last few months. I loved my boring life. While people sought a thrill, I shied away from excitement. Some might say I just don't know how to live. I just wanted to be normal. As I was thankful every day to have my family together along with being happy and healthy children.
This was a start to a beautiful weekend. Once I caught up on reports and paperwork I intended to veg out at home maybe even do a little yard work. But other than that I didn't have to much planned out yet. As I exited the car I thought I heard a noise. When I listened closer, I heard nothing. Just as I passed the ally by the office I definitely heard a whimper.
At first I thought it was an animal possibly hurt or trapped in something. When I approached the dumpster I saw a leg stretch out and the distressed sound got louder. I kept my hand on the gun in my purse. Just as a precaution. As I have learned over time, you can never be too damn cautious about what was coming at you around the corner.
Even when you tried to help someone you didn't know, you still put yourself at risk. I didn't get the chance to even ask if he was alright before he held the gun up at me. He had been shot and was bleeding profusely.
"I'm a doctor. If you don't put the gun down, I can't help you." When he finally lowered the gun down, I took my hand off mine. "I would feel more comfortable if you laid it on the ground and push it away from you." I stood firm on the position until he done as i requested too.
Immediately I went in doctor mode to save his life. He wasn't a man yet, still far from a child. Nor with his actions of a gang member was he innocent by any means. He clearly wore their brand in tattoos all over his arms. "I can't care for you here. My office is down the street."
"No. You will report it to the cops."
"I won't. You must trust someone or you won't survive. If you don't come to my office with me, you will bleed out and die. The choice is yours."
This wasn't the first time I had a choice to make either. Honor my oath to fight with everything inside me to save a life. While I dishonored the rest of it by not doing my duty and follow the rules. The first thing I should have done was picked up the phone and informed the police. I felt the boy had enough problems without my creating more.
But, the reality was you couldn't help someone who didn't want it either. They had to take the first step. As I walked away from the boy, I truly hoped he made the right decision. As I prayed every damn day my children done the same.
Through the big display window, I watched and waited for him. The big scrolled letters ran in perfect unison across it. There were times to this day Kyle was still with me. Still in presences of spirit and the love he gave in my heart. I picked the same script for this office as he had airbrushed for me when I first decided to go out on my own and open my practice. As he taught me, it was always the little things which mattered so much.
Other times, I felt some of my memories of him faded away. It was like loosing him all over again. But for now my problems had to be put on hold. I had a another one to deal with.
The boy barley was able to drag his weak body to the door. My doctor and motherly instinct took over from there. The wheelchair was ready for him and so was I. But, I still needed assistance. So, I called the one person I knew would understand all to well.
"Jax, I need your help."
He came without asking for any details. Of course, it would have once upon a time, been exactly what he would have expected me to have done as well. It was in his DNA just like the kid I wanted to help.
"Do I need to call anyone for you?" I knew the drill. Exactly what to do to keep it private. Only family got informed when a gang member or outlaw was shot.
"No."
"What about your family? Won't they worry about you?"
"I don't got any."
It explained a lot. The gang took him in and became his family. A lost child on the streets would welcome in anyone who offered them shelter. It also meant his loyalty and his life belonged to them. Until death finally took him or prison became his home for the rest of his life. It was the only two ways for this kid to get out.
"You bitch, you called the cops." He freaked out when Jax knocked on the door so I could let him in.
"I need to remove the bullet. I can't do it alone or you will bleed out and die."
When you lost belief in humanity and just order. You became a savage caged animal. He didn't believe me either and started to act like one. When we returned to the examining room. The boy had managed to get himself off the table. He was slouched down against the wall with a gun pointed at us. I should have known better and expected it to come.
Jax stepped up to handle it though. He stood in front of me as a shield. "We're trying to help you." He unbuttoned his work shirt and slipped off his t-shirt to show proof of the man he he once was. He let his tattoos, stab wounds and scars do his talking.
Although the boy still wasn't convinced. When Jax moved closer he held the gun steady while he tried to hold pressure on his belly. By the tone of Jax's voice he had enough and was done playing with the kid. "Put the fucking gun down dumb ass or I will walk outta here and let you bleed out. Don't think I won't burn your body to get rid of the fact you were ever here. No one will miss you or care."
That would have never been what I would have said to the boy but it worked. With a local shot, it would be a few minutes before it made him numb enough for me to get the bullet out. While we waited, I prepped him as much as possible.
The gaping hole in his stomach was as wide open as my heart. Most of the time my hands done work for me, they just knew what needed to be done. Today, they were clumsy with no sense of direction to go in.
With a private practice I didn't operate or remove bullets anymore. There was one who I couldn't save when he had been shot. It was my nerves or the guilt I felt because I couldn't save Kyle's life. I shook furiously. I was all over the fucking place.
While Jax held the gauze steady to sop up the blood. Hell, I was about to kill the boy myself by accident when I nicked him. Finally, I had to stop and take a minute to get my shit together.
"Tara." With Jax's free hand he gave mine a squeeze.
When I went back at it. So had Jax. "Shit." I only got out the first piece.
"Maybe you need a break."
"I need to get the rest of it out and sew him up." It took me almost forty five minutes to accomplish the task. It was what I once could have done in my sleep. At least we saved him up to this point.
"What are you gonna do with him?" Jax asked me a great question. Unfortunately I didn't have a great answer to give him back.
"Patch him up and hope he makes it."
"And?"
"I can't make him want a different kind of life. When he walks out in a couple of days, it's all on him." Jax only nodded back to me. There was really no need for us to discuss things any farther.
We spent the rest of the afternoon moving around the furniture in my office. As we moved in everything I would need to care for him the best I could. This wasn't only the boy's secret, it was now mine as well. Other patients or anyone else didn't need to know what illegal things I had done to help him.
The exam table had wheels thankfully. We rolled him in my office and I setup a drip for the night. At this point I had done everything in my power to save his life. The rest came from the man upstairs to decide how it all played out and what happened next.
With a quick call to Nicole, the kids were safe for the night with her. "You can go, I'll stay." Jax looked exhausted anyway. This wasn't his problem, he hadn't created the situation, I had.
"Hungry?" Since Jax offered, I took him up on it. We hadn't ate all day. He went to get food and I got settled in for the night.
While I watched the boy breathe in and out. I thought of how upset his mother somewhere would be if she knew about her child. Or on the other hand, would she be or even care at all? Was he truly alone without the love of someone? Had the one person in this cold world gave up on him?
It sent me to thoughts of my babies, then again, most things had. "Hey, I'm just checking on you. Everything alright at home?"
"Yes, Mom." Abel gave his normal; don't worry about me, of course it is and I'll take care of everything.
"Let me talk to your brother." Kenny only spoke when I asked him something. Nothing uncommon about that.
Next, I sent Ellie a text since she wasn't at home yet and within a few minutes. She responded with one back. I had to tell my younger babies goodnight as well.
They got a joint call on speaker. "I love you guys and I'll be home in the morning." Thomas and Sissy both said they loved me too.
It made me feel better when I was away from them to do so. I also felt better after I ate. The burger and fries filled me up and as I tired as I was. I would be out soon.
"You should go home. I'll stay with him." The leather couch in my office would be home for the night for me.
"I'll hang around."
"You really don't have to, Jax. There isn't anywhere for you to sleep."
"The floor is fine. It won't be the first time I slept on it." Not much ever seemed to bother or get to Jax. I've seen more regrets from him in the last few months than ever before. This wasn't one of those times, however. It didn't bother him to roll up his shirt for a pillow and lay on the hard floor. So, I let him.
Throughout the night I woke frequently. There was a uneasy feeling in the air. I couldn't ever decide what it actually was. Yet, it had me on edge. Every time I checked on the boy he was out and still breathing. I found when I set on the couch and just watched him, it made me feel better. Until today he was a stranger, now it felt more as if I watched over one of my own babies.
"I think we both could use some encouragement and cheering up." My mother's bible was in my bag. I kept it with me anymore with no particular reason in mind. I read to him some of my favorite verses from it until the sun came up. "I know what it feels like to be all alone. I can't do anything about when you leave here. But you're not alone now. When I was your age, I would have done anything just to know someone was there for me, even for a day."
His bandages needed to be changed. I gave him a shot of antibiotics and a cleaning dressing. I was rather loud clanking around the room when Jax started to stir.
"Are you up already?" Jax moved slowly off the floor. He tried to stretch out his aching muscles. Neither one of us were as young as we once were.
"I never really slept much."
We went home to shower, change clothes, check on the kids and grab some more food. I was certain the boy would be fine while we were gone. But I was sure was surprised when we arrived back. He was gone. There was no trace of the him except for the bloody sheets left.
Something deep down told me this boy would resurface again in my life. Without a particular reason for it either.
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It's easier to build a strong displaced child than repair a broken man.
Fredrick Douglass
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She is broken because she believed...he is okay because he lied.
William Shakespeare
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God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is faith.
Joel 2:25
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There was a bag of oranges on the counter to cut up before Thomas soccer game. I put the juice boxes and bottled waters in a cooler with some ice. It sure was a scorcher out today. We would need some refreshments to keep us cool. In my bag I made sure I also had some sunscreen since we would be outside all afternoon.
"Are you guys ready?"
"Is he coming?"
"He said he would, baby."
Jax had promised he would be there to see Thomas play, we agreed he would meet us on the soccer field. This game would determine which teams made it to the playoff. I really hoped he kept his promise to his son.
Thomas was old enough now to remember those little things that meant so much to him. It wasn't like his father had to go out of his way to do something other than be on the sideline to cheer him on.
On the way there Thomas leaned his head against the window. He was quiet and the excitement he had this morning was no longer there. "Maybe we can go out for pizza after the game."
"Okay." He went back to his stare at nothing. I went back to figuring out ways to keep him busy later in case his dad failed to come.
"Kick some butt." Abel gave his little brother a fist bump before he took the field.
As the coach was directing them to their positions on the field. Kenny was about Thomas age when he came into our lives. When I thought of one, it brought on another thought of one of my other children. They molded themselves together as a family somewhere along the way.
Then, I let out a sigh of relief to see Jax walking from the parking lot. I knew how it tormented Abel all these years and I didn't want it to be the same for Thomas. But it wasn't really up to me at this point.
Those boys ran all over the place to chase down the ball. I truly enjoyed watching him play. He was growing up too damn fast. He was such a passive child until you set a soccer ball in front of him.
The first half went by quickly. They called the boys over to side for a break. I noticed Thomas stopped a couple of times on the field and bent over. As though he couldn't catch his breath.
"Something isn't right."
No more than those words came out of my mouth, my son went in slow motion with coach yelling it was time to come over where he was. Just as I stood up, Thomas collapsed to the ground.
It was a race for Jax and I to get to him. He was faster because he jumped from bleacher to bleacher while I took the stairs. As soon as I reached Thomas, I could tell his heart fell, he was burning up and he wasn't breathing.
"Call 9-1-1." I started CPR on him.
There was no way in hell the ambulance was leaving without me. I rode along even when they protested. While they done their job. I tried to soothe my son. "Mommy is here, baby. You're going to be alright." I had to keep the faith he would be too.
When they wheeled him into the hospital I stayed by his side. "You have to wait out here."
"I'm his mother and a doctor."
"That's the point. As a doctor you know the importance of what we do to save a life."
"I love you more than all the ants on the sidewalk and the leaves on the trees." I couldn't force myself to let go of his hand and believe me I tried.
"Tara." Jax and the others were here now. "You did great out there and you saved our son. Now let them treat him." With a nod to Jax I let go. It ripped my heart out to but I still done it.
The pile of paperwork occupied my mind for the first twenty minutes. Then with the clock on the wall, I watched every minute of it tick by. The crazy shit you thought of at a time like this. When I heard a low whisper it brought me far from my thoughts but not from my son. "He will be okay." I smiled at Jax but I felt like I could get sick.
"Mrs. Brandon?"
"Yes."
As a family we followed after the nurse. We were took into a doctor's office. With it being a private setting, I already knew how serious this was. If everything was fine, they would have told me in the waiting room.
The doctor came in with a file, my son wasn't coming home with me tonight. She had already started paperwork to admit him. If everything was fine he would be ready to leave already.
"This can be a difficult time for families. We will..."
"Please doctor, will a due respect, just give me the bottom line diagnoses."
Only, I wasn't ready to receive it either. Thomas had chronic kidney failure. One was barely functioning. By tomorrow he would have been jaundices and of course I would have noticed. But today, he just acted sluggish until he passed out. He exerted his body and his little body couldn't take it.
"After he receives dialyses, it should stabilize him."
He would have to receive dialyses almost daily to simply live. Unless his other kidney finally gave out too. I didn't want to have any thoughts of what hell that would bring.
"Can't he have a transplant?"
"Yes, Mr. Teller he can have one. When we find a suitable donor who is a match. The process can be very lengthy."
"If at all." It was said out loud to myself but everyone heard me.
"Unfortunately, it is true. Some patients don't receive a donor in enough time. We will have to test each family member to see if any match before we put Thomas on the donor list." The doctor picked up a pen ready to write down names. Only I would save her a shit load of time. My other son was in the same exact position and I already knew the answer.
"I don't have any family, only my children. It's Alexandria. She is the match."
"Mrs. Brandon, you are a doctor. You know we cannot go off speculation. We need to perform all the test. I will send something to the lab so we can begin."
"I'm not speculating, it's her." Kyle had touched our lives so much and he still was. He was still with me. He saved my son by giving me a beautiful daughter.
The kids were very quiet while we waited to have myself, Abel and Alex tested. Ellie was on her way to the hospital. While Kenny and Jax went first. Each of them reflected on the situation in their own way. But Abel, he took it the hardest. He had stepped up to be the man of the house and tried to take care of us. Some day, he would have his own family and he would take excellent care of them.
When they called our name, I took Sissy by the hand. I wasn't sure how to explain it to her, how we all connected as a family. A mother had tough choices in life to make. She was Thomas' only hope and I knew it before we done the test. "Don't be afraid. They are going to draw some blood, it will be just a little prick with a needle."
"I'm not afraid. Don't be afraid, Abel. I'll hold your hand."
"Okay, Squirt." Abel took his little sister's hand too. Together we went to save Thomas. I just prayed we could.
Abel was great at keeping her distracted like he had been as child when something bad happened. She knew Thomas was sick but she didn't comprehend how severely.
Her brother read Alex every poster in the room and grabbed a magazine and started on it before the doctor came in.
"Are you ready." Sissy nodded to the doctor but I could see the fear in her eyes the closer the needle came to her skin. "Hold my hand." I went to her although she meant it towards her brother. Abel let her squeeze his hand for the pain. Then I wiped the tears away for her.
Ellie arrived after we finished up. Is was her turn to do the test. The kids stayed with her while Jax and I went to Thomas.
When I entered his room, I had to hold back the flood of emotions which overtook me. He seemed so small in comparison to the bed, still a baby, my baby. There wasn't a single movement made by him. The white gown clung to his body with the fever he ran. I checked the bags they had already setup to flow in his veins. I even went through the chart they had in the computer by his bed as well. There wasn't anything I didn't want to know about his condition.
"What does it say?" Jax was just as concerned about his son.
"They are going to do dialyses to stabilize him. He was given medicine to sleep and he will be out for a few hours."
"Will it work?"
"Let's pray it does." As a doctor I had all the confidence in the world it would work. As his mother, I was fucking terrified.
We went with our son when they performed it. It wasn't like I could do anything. Yet, they would have played hell to got me out of there. To some degree I'm certain the doctor felt like I was second guessing her every move. Well, she was correct I was. It was my son's life at stake.
"Tara." Above a whisper came from behind me. Ellie was going to take the kids home and watch Sissy. I gave her money to buy them some pizza for dinner. I wasn't going to leave Thomas and Jax wanted to stay too.
Once Thomas was put back in his room. I went to get us a vending machine dinner and coffee. It was going to be a long night. There was nothing but chairs for us to sleep in. A nurse was kind enough to bring in some pillows and blankets.
A couple hours later the doctor came to check on him before her shift ended. "We received the test results back. Alexandria is a perfect match."
With those mere words spoken, I knew my son had a chance at survival. I would semi put my daughter at risk in the process but I felt her father was up there watching out for us. Maybe, it was a false security on my part and the after life really didn't exist. Yet, I still had to keep the faith it did exist and he was there.
Throughout the night I thought of ways to explain all this to Sissy. She was still very young and might not understand how important she truly was to this family, to her brother's life.
Although, my thought process wasn't continuous. Every time a machine went off I was up to check it before the staff done it. Any information a nurse logged in about my baby I reviewed too.
Then there was Jax. He was restless and kept saying no to something. Perhaps, it was just a bad dream. I went to cover him up with a blanket. It surprised me when he grabbed my hand. "Get the fuck away from him." When he looked around the room, he finally realized it was me. "Sorry."
There was no sleep for the both of us the rest of the night. It didn't matter though. My main focus was on my son as he laid before me ill and weak. I pulled a chair beside him and just held his hand.
Just when you thought you had a grip on what was plaguing your life, your were threw a curve ball of another problem. "Thomas has health insurance."
"This is the cost after we applied the insurance. Unfortunately both of your children are covered under the same policy. The family cap will not cover the surgeries. We can postpone it if it is better for you, Mrs. Brandon."
"I'll get the money."
To cover all of it, I would have to come up with almost two hundred thousand dollars. It was a drop in the bucket what the grand total would end up. If I mortgaged the house I would be close to it and drained my savings. Later I would figure out how to pay it off again.
"Will you stay with Thomas while I go to the bank?"
"Sure. I got around five thousand from selling the bike. You can have it too."
"Thanks, Jax."
But what I was told by the bank sent me in panic mode. To mortgage the house it was all a process. About a month to a month and a half process. By the time they ran the loan papers, done an official home appraisal, checked the house title and then if approved the loan would go to underwriting. Would my son even be alive by then?
A mortgage company I went to was even worse than the bank. I had no history with them. First they wanted income history, tax returns and proof it was my primary residence before they would even discuss a loan. This one wasn't an option.
When you had a road block placed in front of you, you had to decide how to maneuver around it. I went to the investment group where I invested the kids money Kyle left them. I could cash out Abel and Thomas' money. Once I had time to get a mortgage in place, I would put it back. Only if I actually cashed it out now, it paid out fifty percent because they were not eighteen years old. It still wasn't enough. Yet, I could have it now. So, I done the unthinkable, I done it anyway.
Next I went by the house to check the business account. If I drained it, my savings and the kids money. It still wasn't enough. So, I done it anyway.
With a bag of cash in hand I went back to the hospital. I made a payment with what I had. "There is still a balance due."
"I will have the rest of it by Friday."
"Would you like a receipt, Mrs. Brandon?"
"Please."
It was time for Jax to take a break. I relieved him so he could stretch his legs, get something to eat and smoke. I left with Thomas for another dialyses treatment. They wheeled his bed to the room.
While I watched the technician hook him up to the machine. It made my heart sick with worry. Would this be what he had to complete daily just to stay alive? Would he ever touch green grass to chase around the soccer ball he loved again? Would he ever be the same happy and healthy child he once was?
As the machine done it's job. I tried to remember everything about Thomas Teller, his uncle. He beat all the odds no one thought he could either. He went from deaths doorstep to a survivor. The sickly child outgrew all his brothers in size.
"Tara."
Jax was shacking my shoulder because I apparently went to sleep at some point. Thomas was already finished and it was time to go back to his room. On the walk back my body felt numb. It could have been from the lack of sleep. Or the pressure from the race of the clock to save my baby. How in the hell could I raise all the money?
Now, I knew exact how Todd's mother felt. The system had failed her and her child. Money drove everything in this world. Where was the hookers when I needed them to have a benefit car wash for my son?
My emotions got the better of me. I tried to hide it but the tears flowed anyway. Jax was cautious when he brought me to him. But it wasn't nessacary. I needed a shoulder to lean on, cry on and someone who understood exactly how I felt. Thomas was his son too. So I knew he was at the same place in sorrow I was.
"Go home and get some sleep. I'll stay here with him."
It wasn't as if the offer wasn't appreciated. But at home it would have been worse for me. Then I would have been a basket case because I had no idea what was happening to my son. My other children were being taken care of.
Nicole and David were both wonderful. David had prepared meals and took them over for the kids. So I knew they had food to eat. My older three kept the little one safe and busy. It was another thing I hadn't done yet. Explained to Sissy what was about to happen to her.
"How's Thomas?"
"He needs a transplant. Sissy is going to give him one of her kidneys."
Nicole came to visit while David took care of my children at home. Jax's biggest need was a smoke break. After he had it we went to get the food to bring back.
Her compassion and sweet personality reminded me of her brother. Maybe it's why I broke down and told her the truth. I lied to Jax about the money. I told him it was covered. He would have given me every penny he had. Although it still wasn't enough.
"Won't they do payments?"
"It's a kidney not a car loan. I need to pay every cent of it before they will do it."
"What are you going to do, girlfriend?"
There were no more options left. I couldn't raise enough money and my son had no more time. A desperate mother done desperate things when it came down to it. "I'm going write a bad check and hope for a fifty thousand dollar miracle by Friday."
"Then we might as well rob a bank, girlfriend. Both are felonies."
"Maybe not a bank. They have to much security."
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Mother's love is the fuel for a normal person to do the impossible.
Marion C. Garretty
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I love thee with a love that shall not die, till the sun goes cold and the stars grows old.
William Shakespeare
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A Mother's love reaches beyond circumstances and feelings...
It see past flaws and imperfections...
And celebrates God's gift of love, sent from heaven in the form of a child...
Proverb 31:28
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The horn honked as their notice I was here and ready to go. "Holly looks so cute in her jumper."
"Alex looks adorable in her dress."
We gave them a ride this morning since Nicole and I were going to the same place. After we dropped off the girls I found a parking place.
"Well, we better get our shopping done."
Through the doors we went, in pink knitted ski masks and matching gloves. Our hair tucked neatly under it so they couldn't see what color it was, no identifying marks showing either. The only color they could become a witness to was the all black we wore and our pink accessories.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a robbery. As long as you corporate, nobody gets hurt." Nicole went first. She was calm and collected for committing a crime. "Cellphones laid out in front of you. Hands where I can see them."
The plan, my plan, was to borrow the money from the grocery store. It would save my baby's life. Then when I could get my financing in place, I would put it back with interest. No harm, no felony. No one would be the wiser to what we done and technically it was paid back plus a little extra for their inconvenience. Or that was what I convinced myself to get up the nerve to pull this off.
We scoped out the store for the last two days. It wasn't uncommon for me to visit daily to buy food on the way home. We were always out of something. Which, I needed to remind myself to get some milk, somewhere else though.
Today was Friday, the store always had extra money on hand to cash paychecks. The guards of the armor truck had made its delivery of two large bags of it just before we made our entrance. We also knew the early morning was the best time to hit it. Less flow of people, less problems they caused for us and less likelihood of us getting caught. The police officers made their shift change about now too. By calculation, this was the safest time for us to do this.
The first thing was to make sure the the thumb drive in the security camera was gone. No footage for the police to review later. I done it while Nicole herded everyone to the middle of the store.
"Put your heads down." Nicole was scary how well she handled herself. "No more like this, like nap time." She even showed them what she wanted them to do.
It was my turn, I was up to perform the tasks we agreed to. "Are you the manager?" I pointed the toy gun at them. I used a black sharpie to color the orange tip of the fake barrel. It technically was not a weapon that way or armed robbery either. She shook her head no. I went down the line, no one confessed to being the manager. When I walked by a mother who held her daughter to her in fear I was sick, I had been there with my own children so many times before. Those feelings had to be chocked down because if I took off my mask, I was busted. But when I seen the fear in the little girl's eyes, I froze up. It could have been my daughters in this shitty situation. Instead I was inflicting the pain on someone else, a child. It was an unforgivable sin to me.
"The manager better get up here right now or I will start capping people. I'm not fucking kidding around anymore." Nicole kicked over a display of can goods which made a lot of noise and scattered all over the floor. It got their attention and they narked him out as they all pointed to him. "Get up. You're going to put on your big boy panties and open the vault. Or I will stick this gun in your ass and pull the trigger. Move. Now, now, now." That bitch had lost her mind or I had for doing this. But thankfully she took over for me, what I couldn't bring myself to get done.
The sweat poured from me, the knit mask was stuck to my face as I paced around and waited for her to come back. Our kidnap victims were getting nervous and so was I. Every few seconds I checked my watch. We only had approximately two minutes before the cops got here. "Come on." Nicole was still in the back with him. We were down to one minute left. The ding noise of the entry doors got my attention quickly. I had locked it personally.
"Oh shit." The security guard came back from break early and used his key. "We got to go." I screamed it across the store as a warning to Nicole. She met me as we both were hauling ass for the exit in the back of the store. With one bag of money in her hand and one in mine. We accomplished what we came to do and ran for our lives, for our freedom.
Until we went to where we planned to go next we did not stop. Or the same place we agreed to meet up at if we got separated from one another during the heist. On my desk laid a pile of money we stole. My office was a safe place to do this.
"I robbed a grocery store. I robbed a fucking grocery store. We robbed a fucking grocery store." I think I kept repeating it so it would finally sink in what bad shit I had done.
"Yes we did, girlfriend. Like smooth criminals and we got away with it." Nicole continued to count the cash as I went in the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. It was so red as though I had a high fever. The water didn't seem to touch the heat I felt in it.
When I came out she rested her head in hands and something wasn't right. "What's wrong? There's not fifty thousand dollars is there?" What we had done was all for nothing. The face of the little frightened girl from the store would haunt me.
"There is five hundred thousand dollars here."
"There can't be. What grocery store has that kind of cash on hand?"
"There is and this shit is not good, girlfriend."
"Count it again." I stood over her as she done it. Our totals matched, we had half a million dollars in cash. Then I really wanted to throw up.
The knock on the door freaked us both out. "Yes."
"Doctor Knowles, I didn't realize you were here already. I have your morning coffee for you."
Nicole cleared off the desk while I distracted her. "It's alright. Nicole and I have been here about an hour so I could examine her before she went to work. Can you bring in a another cup please, with cream and sugar?"
This was our alibi. She was a witness to us both being in the office early at the exact time of the robbery and I was treating Nicole. Even though we sneaked past her in the back door just a few minutes ago. Since my nurse came in later, she couldn't dispute it either. To make it look official I wrote on Nicole's patient chart with the date and time and then my receptionist would bill the insurance. Just another piece of evidence to corroborate our story.
When I rounded the corner I came face to face with my nurse. "Hi."
"Is Nicole okay? I thought you would be with Thomas."
Ellie was an excellent nurse and fucking early today. She didn't expect any special treatment and she worked hard. Although, it put her and I close to this situation as a family. "She's fine." Ellie took Nicole's file and went to do her job.
Involving my receptionist in our scheme was one thing. But my daughter was a whole another game. She had her life ahead of her. She may even become a doctor someday.
"I'll pick you up later, girlfriend." This too was planned out carefully. She dropped her car off at the garage the night before so she had an excuse as to why we rode together.
"Make sure to get a doctor's excuse on your way out. Since you're late."
"You know it, girlfriend."
For the rest of the day I felt like I floated through it. I just went through the motions without much thought process. This was my last day of work too. With Thomas going in for surgery I wouldn't be good at my job anyway. I owed my patients that much as well. The receptionist would still answer the phones to make future appointments and direct those who needed immediate attention to another couple of doctors I spoke with.
If I had a future come tomorrow that was. I could be locked away in a jail cell for a very long time. But I knew in my heart, my children would live on, take care of each other and still had a shot at a good future of their own. It was what made the deed I done worth it. No matter how all of this turned out. I had to be strong for them.
Part of any mothers love meant you made whatever sacrifices you had to for the well being of your children. I would give up anything for them including my life if nessacary. Just in case it was the way this all went down. I had a plan for it too. I signed everything I had left over to Nicole, David and Jax. Between the three of them I knew my children would be fine. They needed a relationship with their father more than ever.
Now it was on to the child who needed me the most. When they asked me which one of them I loved the most; my answer was always which one who needed me the most at the time had my attention while I loved them all equally. Today, it was Thomas and he had my complete attention. Nicole dropped me off at the hospital while she went to carpool those who needed a ride.
"Mrs. Brandon, do you want a receipt?"
"Please."
"I will have everything scheduled for first thing Monday morning. Don't worry, the doctors will give excellent care to your children." The payment was made and the date was set for the surgery. I saved my baby but I couldn't save my soul in the process. For every evil deed done you paid the price for it some how. Even when you done wrong things for the right reasons.
When I was on my way to Thomas room, I passed by a chapel. It was empty as I felt on the inside. At the doorway I struggled with myself. Could I just ask for forgiveness and be forgiven? Could I confess my sins and them be overlooked? Was it truly that simple?
"Maybe another day."
When you felt confession was pointless, there was no point in doing it. Or perhaps I hadn't reached the worthiness of redemption in my own heart yet. I never looked back as I proceeded forward to my son.
Apparently I was not the only person searching for answers. Jax was in the waiting room staring at a blank screen of the television. He finally noticed I was in the chair next to him. "Thomas is asleep."
"Want a cup of coffee?"
"We need to talk, Tara. I should have never came here. I caused this."
"What are you talking about, Jax?"
"I lied to you. The lawyer didn't tell me where you lived. I followed it here to you."
"Followed what here? Then how did you find us?" He closed his eyes to pretend like he couldn't see me. But I wasn't going away until he answered me. "Jax, tell me."
"The crow."
"Son of bitch. Everything is about to change."
The crow was in our lives once again. You never knew what the future held until it took a hold of you.
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When the crow arrives unexpectedly, you are receiving a message that things are about to change.
The energy of the magic is awakening. Your true self is being revealed.
Brenda Pharach
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So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows.
(*** Contrast; black and white, night and day, good and evil***)
William Shakespeare
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Like a bird that wanders from its nest is a man wanders from his place.
Proverb 27:8
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From Thomas' hospital room window. I watched and waited for it. Any sign to show me it was here. It was in our lives as a presences from beyond. That it was here to collect a soul. That it would show no mercy on my family this time. It would show no mercy on my son in his weak state. I never saw anything not even a single bird fly in front of his window.
So many times I stood before one and was happy. I seen my children play through it and watched them grow. I seen a future of my family. Today, all I saw was a gloomy past which had came around full circle. A storm was coming right at me and I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried to.
"Do you want some coffee, Tara?"
"You know what I want, Jax."
For the last couple of days it was an argument only I participated in. Every time I brought up the crow to get the rest of the story, Jax went mute. He had nothing farther to say on the subject. Or he tried to play it off as though he was mistaken. In a weak moment he confessed something he never intended to. It was amazing what the fear of losing a child could do to you. It had effected me in ways I didn't know existed until now. I would guess the same of him.
"I hope you never experience the loss of a child. People who haven't don't understand what it does to you on the inside. If I could have taken Thomas' place, I would have."
It was one way I hoped to not be like Gemma. To know the kind of sorrow and pain she felt. She experienced it above an imaginable level. She lost her son not only once but twice. The same son no less.
The way I couldn't let my mind rest. Every other second went back to the same thing. I felt ill in the pit of my stomach, the crow was coming, coming for my son. Just like it had hers.
Jax held out a cup to me without uttering a word. As a peace offering, only I wouldn't have any peace until my child was back up on his feet again, happy and healthy. Then all the other reasons I had to lived came in to see their brother.
"Mommy." Alex clung to me like she hadn't seen me in a month. "I woke up and you were gone again."
As my other babies were almost grown other than her and Thomas. I had forgotten they needed me more than the others. I had spent most of my time with him at the hospital rather than Alex. I helped her climb up in my lap to cuddle her to me. "It probably scares you when I'm not there. But there is something you need to know about mommies. Even if we have to leave for a while. We always come back. If I have to go away for awhile just know I will always come back and find you. Mommy is sorry, baby. I wasn't there."
There was part of me which knew I would get caught and pay the price for what I had done. But when I looked at my son with his brothers and sisters. I had done the right thing no matter happened to me for it. "I need some coffee." Really I just needed a moment to pull myself together. So they wouldn't see me because my break down was about to be a dozy.
"What is really going on, Tara?"
"I'm just worried about the surgery."
"You know, I used to lie to you with a straight face because I was so good at it. Most of the time without any remorse of what I said. So, I kinda know when I'm being bullshitted."
"It's not bullshit, Jax. I have two babies who are going through a lot right now. I need to get back to them."
He step in front of me before I could make it out of the snack area to block the exit. "When Abel was first born. I used to wake up every day sick to my stomach because I wondered what else could happen or what other bad shit was coming that day. Then, the feeling went away and I pretty much no longer felt anything. I woke up with the same sick feeling this morning. You're going down the same path, Tara. I can see it."
"I have to go to get their bags and get some clothes for me so I can stay with them after surgery in the morning. When I get back, I'll have Alex checked in. Can you stay here with them?"
"Sure." Jax walked away but agreed to stay with them without asking me anything else. It was what I really needed him to do at this moment.
My coffee was company and comfort on the way home. But my mind was my enemy. I looked for those fucking crows everywhere until I hit the driveway. They wasn't one single bird to be found.
Once I walked through the front door, pots and pans were clanking around in the kitchen. But I just left the kids and Jax at the hospital. I blew if off though as I figured it was David cooking or cleaning up. As I approached closer, it was too late to turn back. I gasped a little loud when I seen them.
"This shit is dope. What is it?"
"Who the hell are you?" These three guys had made there selves at home in my house. One was at the table with a plate of the dinner Nicole and David dropped off to us. He had a cold beer opened and poured in a wine glass. The other two were standing behind him like body guards. Obviously they weren't here to rob me because they had plenty of time for it already. "I'm calling the cops."
"Go ahead, then you can tell them how much of my money you stole from me too. It was my money, I want it now."
It stopped me in my tracks, he knew what we had done. Sure, I could have stood before him and denied it all. The fact he didn't tell the cops to involve them told me a lot, all I needed to know about what kind of man he was. Not to mention the matching gang tattoos they all wore. The one that stood out to me was his throat tattoo, it was an eagle with his wings span out in flight. "So, you own the grocery store?" It was time for me to pretend I was dumb and had no idea what he was.
"Do I look a business entrepreneur to you? I want my money back and if I don't get it. Some bad shit is gonna happen."
"I've got most of it." They had already found the bag. The guy unzipped it then set it on the table in front of his boss. They were smart enough they knew it was short before I said a word to them. The criminals were all great at one thing, counting money. If I argued with him, it would only enrage him worse. So, I owned what I had done. "My child is ill and I just need time to get the rest of it. I will make sure you get every penny of it."
The other two left with the bag of money with just a simple gesture of his head. They were obedient to him, they never questioned him, they were his followers. I had witnessed this behavior so many times with Jax and the club before. I waited for the worst to still come, was this my final day on earth? If so, I died for the ones I loved. The saddest part, I wasn't even scared anymore.
As I stood my ground while he stared at me. I stood firm in the spot I was in and where this position in life took me to. This was just as good of a spot to die in as any other. He studied me for a bit before he got up from the table and headed towards the door. "I'll give you two days and then I start killing shit. Have it all plus sixty percent interest."
"Sixty percent?" When he was about ready to come back at me once again because I questioned him, his authority. "I'll get it." A fifty two thousand dollar problem just turned into a hundred thousand dollar problem. But if were dead because I acted out now, I had no chance to resolve the problem. I knew enough of how this shit worked to keep my mouth shut and go with the flow of things.
Immediately once they were gone, I locked the front door out of habit. It wouldn't stop them from coming back or protect me or my children even. The fact was we had no protection anymore. But I still done it to make myself feel better. Then I went to clean up the mess from where they busted through the back door. I would have to buy a new pane of glass tomorrow to fix it.
"What happened?" Jax startled me from behind as I was picking up shards of glass.
"You're suppose to be with the kids at the hospital."
"Abel, Ellie and Kenny are going to stay there until we get back. What happened?"
"It was an accident."
"Who is the guy with the tatts that was just here?"
"Just a friend." There was no way in hell I would ever tell anyone else what I had done. Let alone confess my sins to Jax. The old Tara would have ran to him, the damsel in distress, for him to save me because I was so fearful. I was no longer fearful.
"You're hanging out with gang bangers now."
"It's really none of your business, Jax."
"Maybe it's not my business. But I know a piece of shit when I see one."
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We're not punished for our sins. We're punished by them.
Jennifer Donnelly,
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Some rise by sin, some fall by virtue.
William Shakespeare
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The evil deed of the wicked ensnare them; the cords of their sins holds them fast.
Proverb 5:22
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I hope you enjoyed reading me!
Who do you think the crow is that visits Jax?
Some of what was wrote in this chapter and some in the next few is from Good Girls. If you haven't watched it, I love Beth. She reminds me of Tara a lot. Her husband is a cheater and lost all their money. She does some bad things, but it's all for her family.
More will be posted soon...