Chapter 46

Angels and Outlaws

Part 10 of 16

Chapters 46 and 47 have been posted. Make sure to read them both.

You never knew how strong you were until strong was all you had left to rely on. You never understood your strength or tapped in to it until you faced your greatest weakness. When it came to my children I determined I was invincible. They were my greatest fear, weakness and strength. They always had been. Life meant nothing to me without them.

If you could build enough courage up to do something, anything. You better have saved some back to face the consequences of your actions because it was coming eventually. My day of reckoning was coming with no way to stop it. But I'd dammed if I took my family and everyone else with me.

When I texted Nicole to meet me at the house. I put a baggie together for her and myself. Numbered prepays only we knew about and had access to. We would communicate on our regular phones about absolute nothing important from today forward. She had to be warned of what was coming her way before I left to go back to the hospital.

"Only use them once. Then toss them out and switch to the next numbered phone." In my hand was my other gift for her. "Carry it with you at all times. We don't know when they will be back for one of us."

Nicole reached slowly for the gun. Uncertain if they would come for her or her family next. Uncertain if she would have to pull the trigger to save herself and them. She and I had no further choices left. It was a matter of survival now. "How does he know it is us? How did he find you?"

"I don't know how. But we can't take any chances. I have to get back to the kids."

We agreed we would check in with each other regularly. For now the most important thing to me was to see my children and be with them. My babies were going through a lot and they needed their mother.

"Prepays." Was all Jax said when he saw Nicole with them as we were leaving. He was outside smoking before he got on his bike. She just looked at me but said nothing.

"Donations." I countered it without any further explanation.

"Really? How stupid do you think I am, Tara? I taught you what they are for."

"I have to get back to the kids." There wasn't time for the debate Jax seemed to want. It would do no one any good to get involved with this shit. I already had Nicole and I was already sorry for it. If it came down to it, I knew what had to be done. Where the blame fell and it would all fall on me.

Although when I walked in Thomas room and seen all my babies, I done what had to be done. It was what it was and had to be dealt with now. The truth was if I had to do it all over again to save my son, I would. I guess until I reached a point of true sorriness, I couldn't find or seek repentance.

Abel brought Thomas his favorite game to play with him after the surgery, it was setup and ready to go. Kenny kept Sissy busy with her animated game. But it was Ellie who almost brought me to my knees.

By her brother's bed she had out Donna's bible. She read quietly to him. It was what I would have done as well and had already planned on later tonight.

"Alex, come here, baby."

Although I wasn't an organ expert. I took her to the dummy they used to show how the human body was made up. I tried to explain it on a level she could understand. What would happen to her and why.

"You are a brave little girl. Your father was brave too. This was his and now it's yours. He will be with you tomorrow." I put the chain around her neck with Kyle's dog tags. She would have to take it off in the morning but tonight she was my little hero. The beaming smile she wore and how she continuously touched it, told me she would be alright through all of this. He would watch over her.

Since she couldn't eat anything tonight. I promised her an M&M cookie ice cream sandwich when this was all said and done. Children were simple creatures. It didn't take much to make them happy.

When we returned to the room, they were all staying here for the night. Until I had the visit with the gang banger, I wanted them to go home. Now, I wanted them in my sight at all times until this shit was settled. Until I got through tomorrow, I needed them near me. Then I would figure out what my next move was.

First I got them all comfortable for sleep. I hoped each one of them found the peace I longed for but couldn't have. This was the safest place for them. But I couldn't bare the thought of what the future held for them because of me. But if I hadn't my son would not have even gotten a chance of a future either.

A mother was more than just someone who gave birth to them. You held them when they were scared to give them all the security in this world you could. You rocked them when they were sick and gave them all the love to heal them you could. You gave up your life for them to make sure they had a future even if it meant yours was over.

When the reasons my world still evolved were out. I had to walk away, take a break from reality. At the chapel door the cross was a beacon of hope and despair for me. With three steps inside. I couldn't move forward any longer. I didn't deserve repentance or forgiveness for what I had done even I knew it.

Outside the chapel just brought another problem. Jax rested against the wall. If he thought I would stop and have a conversation, he was dead wrong. "Tara." I just kept walking without a definite direction to go in. "You can't out run whatever this is."

"I know." It was said in passing to myself. It was my own self omission. It was my own damnation.

For the next few hours I set in the lobby alone. Stared in the dark night through the large panes of glass. Perhaps to gather myself and brace for what was coming. Or maybe to wallow in the self pity I created. But one thing was for certain. When the sun came up it might me my last I'd ever witness. It wouldn't be for my children though.

It made me jump a bit even when I seen his reflection in the glass coming up behind me. "When I held the gavel, I held more power in my hands than you can imagine. People treated me like a god, my word was their bible, their salvation. Every man wanted to be me or feared me. But I fucked that up. I didn't get it back then. They never knew me or saw me for what I really am. Except you, you did and you were always there. I fucked that up too. I know the damage I've done. I just hope you realize the damage you're about to do." Jax waited for me to respond to him or at least say something. He would be waiting for a long time. The olive branch was extended by him, I just wasn't ready to take it yet. He finally let out a long sigh. "I need a smoke."

Back to the window, it had my full attention once he was gone. The night could be a scary time, for me, it offered a brief refuge. This was the most peace I could expect to have. For hours the stars shined down on the earth to light a path in the darkness. I just had to find my light again and the path back to my family. A safe path for all.

After I checked my watch, it was time for me to get back. In a couple of hours they would prep the kids for surgery. As I walked in the room, it was another surprise of the night.

"I'll read it to you, Jax." Alex had it memorized by heart because I read it to her almost every night. She climbed up on his lap and I wasn't exactly certain how he was taking all this. "Once upon a time. There was three bears; Jax Bear, Mommy Bear and Alex Bear, Thomas Bear, Abel Bear, Kenny Bear, Ellie Bear. We live in house together except for Jax Bear. He lives in the smaller house in the back and he rides a cool bike. Anyway..." She was a giggly little girl, just the way she should be. Without a care or worry in her world. He was getting her version of the story. She even made him smile.

Then came what I feared would happen. Alex showed him the dog tags she proudly had around her neck. "Did you know my daddy?"

"Yeah." Was all Jax had to say about it. He grabbed another book and handed it to her. "Read me this one."

Abel was up now too. I sent him to the McDonald's down the road. The other kids could eat while I stayed with Sissy and Thomas.

"Come on, baby."

"I'll finish the story tomorrow, Jax."

We went to the bathroom. I brushed her hair and she brushed her teeth. Once I had her ready to go, I set and fretted over Thomas. He never gained consciousness. I just prayed once this was said and done, he would be healthy again.

"We need to take this off, Sissy."

"No."

"Baby, you have to take it off." Alex pitched a fit. Between her fit and crying, I couldn't understand her. She was freaking the hell out.

"Come here, kid." She sniffed up the tears when she went to Jax.

He took the bullet he always wore around his neck off. "Let me hold on to yours and you can hold on to mine until it's time to go."

"Okay." She wasn't exactly pleased with exchange they made. But she it calmed her down enough to stop the crying.

Once she was occupied with Jax's chain and what was on it. He handed me the dog tags. "Thank you." He only nodded and went to smoke.

Before I knew it, it was time. I walked them both to the doors and I had to let them go and pray everything would turn out alright. "I love you both more than all the leaves on the trees and all the ants on the sidewalk. I'll be right here when you get out."

They say time flew by, for me it was at a crawl and wasn't moving at all. "Tara, you've been here for two hours already. It's going to be awhile. Lets go get some coffee."

"You go, Jax. I need to stay here. I promised them I would be right here when they came out."

He came back with two cups. Slid down the wall and patted the floor for me to join him. Since I had done nothing but pace when they took them through the doors. I let my legs take a break but my head and my heart just couldn't.

Jax didn't try to have a conversation or tell me it would be alright. When I finished my cup he went to get me another without my asking him to do so. There were no ill feelings between us at moment or tenseness.

Just two worried parents who loved their children. I had to admit I liked this Jackson Teller a lot. There were no hidden agendas with his kindness. There were no tit for tat on a score board. There were no bad guys waiting around the corner to ambush us. At least not because of him this time.

It was a revelation in the middle of my sorrow. Perhaps there were decisions Jax had made in the past which brought forth some circumstances that weren't intended to bring harm to others. Perhaps there were instances he felt he had no other choices left just like I had felt. Perhaps until you walked in the criminal's shoes you couldn't begin to understand what was at stake and why it was deemed necessary.

"Jax, I...Thank you for being here today."

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I missed so much of my sons' lives. You once told me I would some day regret it and you're right I do."

"We all experience regrets of what we wished we had done differently. You're here now with them. They need their father and if something should happen to me..." It had to be said eventually. Even in a more detailed conversation. I was completely aware of what could be my possible outcome. I just needed to know for certain I could count on him to do the right thing for his children.

"Nothing will happen to you, Tara. I am proud of you for how you raised the kids."

"I didn't do it all on my own."

The wreckage emotions played on you and left behind. Today was the worst day I had in a very long time. I could cry without a notice, I could scream because I already was on the inside and I could stand to face my fate because I knew my children would still survive.

It was a way to occupy my time with all the shit which ran through my head. While I rehashed my life, time escaped me. When I came out of the fog in my head, I checked the clock. It had been six long grueling hours of wait and see what happens. Everyone's life could be defined by two words; hope and wait.

When I could wait no longer. I found a nurse to see why it took so long. "Excuse me, I haven't heard anything about my children yet."

"What are their names?"

"Thomas Teller and Alexandria Brandon."

"Thomas is already in recovery and I don't show Alexandria out of the operating room yet."

"That's impossible. Thomas would have taken the longest. She should be out already. Something is wrong." The nurse wanted to keep me calm, it was her job. However, I knew the difference and I knew something was wrong with my baby.

When you faced your fears head on, you were bound to collide with some degree of sadness. Mine was now, as the doctor walked through those cold steel doors, she pulled down her mask. It was like watching myself because I done it on so many occasions. The look on her face confirmed what I thought already. She was about to deliver the news to me.

"Thomas did great. He is in recovery and will be awake soon. Alexandria had some complications." It wasn't just as simple as complications though. She went into cardiac arrest and then slipped away.

"No. This can't be. No. I lost Kyle. I can't lose my daughter too."

"We are doing everything we can for her."

The doctor's words meant nothing to a mother's heart. Every footstep around me, every cry of a child, made a loud sound in my head and it had an echo affect. I was here in body but I wasn't. I couldn't get the feeling of floating to go away. I needed to make it to the elevator to get some air. When it started to move, I bent over to catch my breath.

Only the worst was yet to come. I had no more than walked out in the sunshine when I seen it approach. It's wings spread out in flight. One single fucking crow was here to determine the outcome. Was it here for my baby?

As the sun became hidden behind the storm cloud, the storm was coming directly at me. My shadow on the concrete just simply disappeared, erased from this very moment. Just the way lives were erased in the darkness, souls taken without warning. Except, the crow was the warning. When the crow commanded, the captive must obey.

There was no fight put up by me, I was captivated by every single movement it made. The crow made it's presences known with the frightening sound of a caw. It stared back at me until I blinked first. The sharp claws gripped a branch to hold on, unfortunately, I had nothing to hold on to. I could feel the throb of my heartbeat down to my toes.

If you were to ask death why it was hated over life. It would answer because life was a beautiful lie and death was the painful truth. We were born alone. We lived alone. We died alone. The rest was just an illusion of what your heart told you.

"If I got rid of my demons. I'd lose my angel. I don't want to lose you, girl. The heart is an arrow. It's demons to land true. There is no one more true than you."

Part of me wanted to plead, beg on my knees for its mercy to not take anyone I loved. Go ahead, make the deal with the devil in return for their lives. Only I wasn't certain if any of it would work or not. "Please don't take her from me."

Then I noticed it's head tilted from side to side as it was thoroughly studying something. When I turned around Jax was coming out the doors. The crow just flew away instantly. Was this the end of it? Or was this just the beginning of hell for me?

"They are ready to bring Thomas out."

No matter what I would keep my promise and be there. I stood before the steel doors and waited for him. With one of my hands placed on it. It cooled down my hot touch. The air which seeped under it was bitterly cold to my sweating brow.

When they wheeled him through them, his eyes were fluttering open and shut. He was fine and survived this. It would take time for him to completely come around. The same tears of despair I weep for my daughter were joyous for my son.

As I took a hold of his hand, his eyes came in my direction. "I love you." I was only a quick smile from him. Yet, it meant everything.

Once they settled him in the room and had him hooked up to a bunch of machines. I had to leave to go back to where I just came from. This time however, the cold steel doors made my heart shiver. It was true I carried the burden of a secret, I committed a sin and a crime. I also so had a simple secret as well. It was only with the heart seen rightly. What was sometimes essential was invisible to the naked eye.

Only my eyes were wide open when they brought her out. They filled up immediately too. There laid an innocent little girl whose only sin in life was who her mother was and the acts I committed. She didn't deserve any of this for trying to save her brother. Maybe I had done to my daughter what Jax had done to his sons all those years ago.

"Baby, open your eyes. Please just open your eyes or squeeze my hand if you can hear me." After this carried on for an hour, I finally stopped. She was motionless. If it wasn't for the machine which made her take in a breath, you couldn't tell there was life still in her.

"Tara, I'll watch her if you want to see Thomas." Jax clasp my shoulder a couple of times before I left to see my son.

Just before I went through the door I heard Jax. "Once upon a time there was three bears..." I couldn't stand to hear the story being read to her. Even though it was the sweetest gesture.

"How is Sissy?" It was the first words out of my son's mouth when he seen me.

It wouldn't do Thomas any good to fret or feel guilty over his sister. He still had a long road to recovery ahead of him. Yet, there were moments marked down when you knew you raised your children correctly and they melted your heart.

"She...she will be fine, baby. You need to rest. Are you hungry yet?" He nodded a little. I went to find a nurse to get him something to eat. It would be clear liquids for a couple of days still.

After he sipped on the beef broth, it didn't take long for him to be fast asleep. "You don't know how happy I am you're alright." I kissed his forehead and ran my fingers through his thick brown hair. Many nights he would fall asleep to the same ritual.

"Tara, I will say with him if you want to check on Sissy. I will come and get you if he wakes up." I kissed Ellie on the top of the head. I had two very special and wonderful daughters.

Although, she was in great hands with Jax and her brothers surrounding her bed. "I need a smoke." I was surprised Jax lasted this long without one.

"Mom, you haven't ate anything today. Kenny and I will be here with her." I went to protest but my son summed it up for me. "You make sure we eat every day, let us do it for you this once." They both got a kiss on the cheek from me.

Aimlessly down he halls I roamed to find the cafeteria. I came upon something very special on my way. Usually the sight of a newborn baby mellowed me. While I watched them cry through the glass maybe it was old souls tears they shed. My tears streamed along with them. It seemed like only yesterday mine was this tiny and fragile. What made me smile was the thought of how they smelled after their bath; a mixture of heaven and sugar cookies. They were truly little precious gifts from God.

This was not a good place for me to stand while I worried about my daughter. So, I moved on. When I passed by the chapel, I seen Jax. He was alone on the pew. There was something definitely off about him. I just couldn't figure out what it was. Since I had to some day cross the line to go inside one of these, I chose now.

Quietly I joined him. The wooden cross on the wall represented Jesus Christ and how he died. Utterly all alone in the mist of his enemies. Surrounded by evildoers and mockers. Maybe more people on earth today died the in the same manner but we didn't take note of it.

My religious convictions were my own evildoing. As much as I wanted to pray for Sissy to come back to me, beg him to spare her soul. At the moment, I couldn't even figure out a way to save my own. Every person hid some of their sadness to not expose it to others.

As I watched a few tears escape Jax's eyes, I was doing a better job than he was at hiding mine. "What are you doing in here?"

"I just...we should get back to the kids." It was obvious he didn't wish to talk about it. Really I didn't feel much like talking myself.

As we rose from the pew he clasped his hand with mine. "The kid will be okay."

Perhaps it was my turn to expose some of my sadness. Because I released a lot of it and emotions I tried to bury deep down. Lately, Jax had been the one I leaned on. Maybe a little too much and too often.

"We should get back to my babies." I really wasn't hungry anyway. He went to smoke and I went to the bathroom. I put up my hair and washed my tear stained face.

On the way back to the room I stopped to get us a cup of coffee. Before I even made it there, Abel came to look for me. When I heard what he had to say, I dropped both of them on the floor. They slipped through my fingers as the weight on my shoulders had been lifted. My baby was awake, Sissy had came to. She had made her way back to me.

There weren't words which could express how I even felt. The way I couldn't stop hugging her should have said a lot. So were the tears which fell in joy this time instead of heartache.

"Mommy needs to get the nurse. I'll be right back."

"I was with Daddy." She appeared completely aware of her surrounds and alright. As though nothing at all had transpired before.

"You're confused, baby. You woke up and saw Jax in the room."

"No. I saw Daddy. He took me to a garden. We played there and he read to me. He told me stories about the crows. But he said I had to come back and be with you. I belong here." A sadness came over her when she was finished. I had to choke back the tears as well.

"It was just a dream. I'll get the nurse." When Alex mentioned the crows I felt numb. There was no way she would have known anything about them. Yet, I had to believe it was all just a dream.

"Mommy."

"Yes, baby."

"Daddy says you have to let him go."

"I'll get the nurse."

The passionate way she spoke about Kyle and believed she was with him, broke me. Then it ripped my heart out because I knew the day would come when I had to let him go. Was it possible she had actually met her father? Was it possible he actually got to hold his little girl? Was it possible this was the actual end of the crows or just the beginning for my daughter?

At the nurses station I couldn't get the words out. I wiped my face several times when I finally had. "Alex is awake."

She went to check my daughter and I was right behind her. Alex was sitting up slightly in bed already. Which was amazing because she just had surgery. Jax put the chain around her neck with the dog tags and moved her hair out of the way. She gave him the biggest smile and he gave her a wink back.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"I need to stay here with Alex. We can talk later, Jax."

"It's time I tell you what happened with JT."

Once the nurse announced Alex's vitals were all normal and they wanted to do a few test on her. "Mommy will be right back. I promise I will be."

Jax wanted to get a smoke in too. Or maybe he wanted to make certain no one else heard what he had to say to me. He had half a smoke before he would say anything. "You have to agree to not ask any questions. Accept what I can tell you."

"Alright."

"When the time is right, I am suppose to tell you about JT. I'm pretty sure this is it. He saw all this shit coming and told us how it would all go down. So far he's been right. The one thing he never saw happening, was the kid. She changed it all. I feel this need to protect her. I can't explain why either. You always asked me to confide in you and tell you the truth when we were together, I couldn't then. I'm not sure I even knew what truth meant because I lied to myself so much. I'm trying now though to be honest with you. You saw me in the chapel and asked what I was doing. I prayed for the first time in my life for her to be okay. Take me instead of her. I'm not exactly the religious kinda guy. The word chapel took on a whole new meaning for me lately."

"I don't know what to say, Jax. I..."

"There's more. I let you go and gave up on us because I love you. I was a fool, you gave me love when I couldn't even love myself. Letting you go, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You and the boys are the only pure love without anything to gain or wasn't toxic, I've ever had. When I see you with the the kids, I done the right thing even though I know they hate me and maybe they are suppose to. JT was right about that too. You were the one he chose to carry on no matter who else survived it." As much as I wanted to ask Jax questions, I didn't. He was broken, I seen it and felt it. I tried to offer him some comfort as I rubbed his back. Although, I didn't want him to get the wrong impression. As he gave me a familiar look from the past, I let go of him. "There is one more thing you need to know..."

Some things in life you could never prepare yourself for, this was one of them. Confusion had many meanings and numerous emotions tied to it. Possibly the word was invented when we weren't close to knowing which other word fit the scenario. My life had been a constant series of uncertainty. It always came back to what kept me grounded, what sent me in the right direction, my children.

Jax took an envelope out of his wallet. It had been folded, yellowed stain around the crinkled edges and withered over time. As soon as he unfolded it and I seen the hand writing, I knew at an instance who it was from. "I am suppose to give this to you when the time is right. I'm pretty sure this is it."

It slid through my fingers as they trembled to open it. I wanted to cry as much as I wanted to know what it said. Jax squeezed my shoulder as he went to leave. The rules of this were simple. I wasn't suppose to ask him any questions. Yet, there was one I still had to. "Do you think Alex really was with Kyle?"

"Yeah, I do. I saw what she did." My head whipped around so quickly to him. "Don't ask." Jax was done with confession time. There wasn't a point to asking him any further questions.

It must have taken another thirty minutes for me to open the envelope. Perhaps it was to savor the moment or perhaps it was from fear of what it would actually do to me after I read it. Either way I opened it up.

Girl,

If you're reading this, it means I'm gone. Don't you be sad for me. The best things in the world cannot be seen or touched even. It's the way I feel when I am with you. Your smile brought me to my knees so many times because of the love you give me. I've never been happier. You make me smile for no reason.

You're my first thought I have when I wake up and my last while you lay in my arms at night. Since I've been with you, I have become a better person because of it. I could conquer the world with just one hand, as long as you held on to my other one. I'll never leave you even though it's my time to go. There is no better way to die than for those you love. Not even death can take away what I feel for you.

Remember the good times and don't ever forget me. But still live life. The emotion of love which breaks your heart, can be the very thing to heal it as well because you healed mine. I need you to promise me, you will continue on and live happily.

I also need you to think back to the night I told you someday you will needed to remember the conversation we had. You've always held the secret to the crows. You were the one who summoned them and are the only one who can allow their souls to finally rest. Even if Jax breaks his promise and reads this. He still won't get it only you will. You have always been smart, smart enough to figure things out.

With love still in your heart, you must let me go. So I can finally rest too.

Love you always,

Kyle

The letter was dated the same day he died. Those same words where spoken through our daughter; I had to let Kyle go. Only I didn't know how to. Once again, I took off my wedding ring. Through the tears, I shoved it right back on my finger. Until I could server the tie to the reason I wore it, it would remain there.

Through the tears and thoughts, I tried to remember what we talked about that night. There had been so much time passed since then maybe my memory wasn't as sharp. Or maybe today sent me for such a loop I couldn't get my mind to work properly.

But it didn't matter anyway when I looked up and seen him leaning against a tree just watching me. My debt was due and I had nothing to give him. I had to come up with a way for him to give me enough time to gather up the funds to repay him.

At least he came to join me on the bench instead of shooting me on the spot. "Do you got my money?"

"I need time to get it."

"Okay. I'll come by tomorrow. Then time is up, Doc."

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Strength comes from the good things; your family, your friends and the satisfaction of hard work.

Those are the things to keep you whole, those are the things to hold on to when you're broken.

Jax Teller

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I've never meet a strong person with an easy past.

William Shakespeare

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You are my strength. Come quickly to help me.

Psalm 22:19

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When you knew something horrible was going to take place, you were in no hurry to get the day over with. It was what kind of day would transpire for me. I knew gang boss would come to collect my debt. In that respect I felt the same as Kyle; there was no better way or honor than to die than for those you loved.

As the sun peeked through the morning colors of blue, yellow and pink I watched it through the window as though it would be the last time to see a sunrise. It was a fresh start when dawn came, only if I could be graced with another one. Each day was born with a new rise of it. It was the beginning of the story, the full sun filled the hours while the clouds floated through it or remained calm and still so you could write the rest of it. Until the sun decided to set in the rich colors of red and darkness, then it was the ending. Every spark it ignited returned to darkness. Every sound returned to silence. But, I already knew how this one would end.

When I turned away from the window to watch my children sleep. Some of them were truly no longer babies but in my heart they would always be my babies. There were things I wanted to say to them and tell them. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to. They had to watch out for each other and take care of each other. It was the only smile I wore today because I knew they would with me or without me.

Each one of them got a personally written post it note stuck to their blankets from me. So when they woke up and I wasn't here, they would know why. Or better, they would know I loved them. Then I came to Jax, he was snoring a bit and his hair was a mess. It was another thing I got to smile at. His note was simple; You're forgiven. With a smiley face at the bottom.

With one last look around the room, I closed the door behind me and knew what had to be done. To protect my family at all cost. Gang boss would not come to the hospital where my family was to look for me. He would not get the satisfaction of instilling fear or control over me. He would not kill me on his terms, I would surrender myself on mine.

First I waited outside for him to show up looking for me. When he didn't come, I went to the house next. From the rocking chair I enjoyed a glass of ice tea while I enjoyed the silence around me. So many times I rocked away my problems and fears. Only this time, it couldn't be resolved from here.

So I went on a gang boss hunt. I went to the seedy part of town to find any of them who wore his tattoos. Again, that came up empty as well. From shit hole to shit hole I turned up nothing. "Shit." I done it until I had nowhere else to look for him.

The cell in the seat beside me went off numerous times and I ignored it. Jax continued to call me until I finally texted him I was on my way back. I still took the long way around town in hopes gang boss would find me and get it the fuck over with already.

When I arrived back to the hospital I hung outside until I was certain he would see me if he lurked in the shadows. Again, he didn't come for me. "Tara." I about jumped out of skin when Jax came up behind me. "Where did you go?"

"I went for a drive to clear my head." If I told him about my plan, he would stopped me from doing it. It was better for him not to know anything or get involved until it was over. Someone had to be there for my children.

Jax finished his smoke while I went to check on the kids. He caught the elevator with me to go up to Thomas' room. Several time I caught Jax staring at me. When I looked in his direction, he still stared without uttering a word.

We no more than made it back to the room and my prepay rang in my purse several times before I got there to answer it. "Hello." The hard swallow made its way down my throat, as it almost forced it to close up. The call had sucked the air out of me. "I'll be there."

"You're just gonna leave the kids again. What is so important?"

"Something came up at work. I have to go." At a slow run I made my way to the elevator. There was no time to waste.

"Bullshit, Tara." Jax caught the doors just before they shut. "This sounds just like what I used to tell you. I get your need to throw the shit in my face I've done to you. I take it because I deserve it. But I can't help you if you don't tell me what is going on with you."

"If you think it's what I am doing to you right now. You don't know me at all. Maybe you never did." With those words I spoke he finally let go of the doors. He had the saddest expression on his face as he disappeared before me. It was the final face I saw on my way home to save Nicole's life. She didn't deserve to die for what we had done. It was my fate in this shit, not her burden to bare.

Gang boss took her from her house to mine. He made it clear if I didn't come within a half an hour, she was dead. Since this all landed on me I couldn't allow him to punish her for what I had done.

Cody and Holly went with David to visit his mom this weekend. It left her all alone to defend herself. I should have seen it coming. My children were securely safe at the hospital. They had Jax to watch over them as well while I was gone. Yet, I failed Nicole. She done all of this to save my son and I failed her. It wouldn't happen this time. As I threw the car in park.

"I'm here." The front door was left open as I rushed inside. Nicole set in on the couch with hands bound with a twist tie. "Now, let her go. Your problem is with me not her."

"Do you got my money?"

"I will have it. I just need..."

"Time is up, Doc. You see if I allow you to get away with stealing from me and not paying me. It sends a bad message they all can."

Gang boss was done talking. He set down while the other assholes destroyed the room. Knocking over furniture and breaking everything in his path of destruction. They were staging a break in. Next came our deaths and we both knew it.

The pictures on the mantel was where my main focus went and my children were always what I lived for. If they took my life. They couldn't take away the family we were. My children would live on. So, in reality my life was a measured success.

When they pushed me down beside Nicole on the couch. I was just going through the motions. The ritual before death they were performing. It truly had no effect on me though. I wasn't even skittish with a gun stuck to my head. My attention went back to the smiling faces on the mantel. They were my world. Only if I was going to die, I was going to go down swinging my way for them. For too long I had been silent, it was part of what got me here today.

"I've known men like you all my life. You think you're so fucking smart. But you are an idiot. You never see what you do today will effect everything around you tomorrow. By killing us you will bring down a furry in the streets. A wrath which you have never felt before. You can kill street trash and no one gives a shit. That's not us. We are members of society. We pay our taxes. We take our kids to soccer and ballet. Everyone will take note when something happens to us because they are just like us and know it could have been them. They start movements and combing the streets to find the killer. It means even more cops in the street and up in your business. If you want to bring down all that heat on yourself for a few thousand dollars. I'd say you're not a good business man. I robbed a fucking grocery store for the love of my child. You do it for power and greed. So, go ahead, pull the trigger and see what happens."

The wait was the worst part of our humans lives. We waited for nearly everything. We stood in long lines for food, gas and to go to the bathroom even. For this though, the wait didn't bother me at all. I waited for the sentence of my sins to come and be cast upon me. I waited to be punished for my actions. I waited to see if I was reunited in the afterlife with him.

Gang boss must have thought it through for once. He shook his head no to the guy who held a gun to my head. He was the one who chose if I lived or died. After he gave the signal they were about ready to leave only for another surprise to enter.

"Are you alright?" This was the Jackson Teller I knew. The man who came in ready for guns blazing and wouldn't back down because of danger. "I suggest you get the fuck out and don't come back."

Two bosses, one retired from the game and other who ran one of his own. Faced off with each other, neither one blinked. They weren't trying to call the others bluff but see which one had a stronger will to live through it. "Take a good look at me. Do I look like I fit in this suburban shit to you? I will kill you and never give it a second thought." Jax had his gun pointed at Gang boss. His men had theirs pointed at Jax. It was a case of no one would win.

"Relax, old man. My beef ain't with you." Gang boss called off his guys, they obeyed as they lowered their guns. He even turned his back to Jax. I waited to see what would happen next. Nothing did however as they waked out the door. Except for me to untie Nicole with a pair of scissors. She was rattled as expected but she would live to see tomorrow along with me.

The real fight hadn't even began yet. "What the fuck have you done?" Jax defended me against them only to turn some of his rage in my direction.

"Nothing." It was for Jax's own good not to know the truth. It only put him in more danger.

"I heard what you fucking said. You robbed a grocery store. What the fuck is wrong with you, Tara?" There was nothing for me to say now. There was no need to plea the fifth any longer either. Even though it was the choice I made. "You have always begged me for full disclosure, then you lie to my face. I don't even know who you are anymore." His tone changed to disgust and disappointment. I knew it all to well since it was my tone with him numerous times before.

"Girlfriend, don't." Nicole wouldn't stop me from what I had to do.

In the past I had kept my mouth shut to the point I lost my voice in our relationship. Jax overrode my decisions and sometimes even my views in life. I didn't stand up to him until it was too late. But I would stand strong with him now and he certainly would have no doubt where I stood today. The smoke trail led me straight to him.

"Since you don't know who I am, allow me to introduce myself to you. I am the crazy bitch who robbed a grocery store to save my son's life, to save my family. To save your son and your family. When there were no other options left, I done what I had to do. So don't you smugly stand there and pass judgement on me with all the shit you've done. I used to be afraid of everything; do I stay, do I go, am I capable of being a mother. Now there is nothing on this earth I am more afraid of than losing my children. I would rather die than lose one of them. If it makes me a horrible person for what I did, then so be it."

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I am afraid to leave. I am afraid to stay. I am afraid to be a mother.

Tara Knowles

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Plenty and peace breed cowards; hardness ever is hardiness is mother.

William Shakespeare

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There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,

because fear has to do with punishment.

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

John 4:18

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The rift between Jax and I seemed to be on hold for now. He didn't ask any further questions and I didn't blow up again. Yet, his relationship with the children seemed to flourish, specially with Thomas and Sissy.

It made me happy he was actually developing a true bond with them. Since I had no choice but to work my ass off to catch up all the money I spent. Jax took two weeks off with his bosses permission to stay home with the kids. They needed constant around the clock care. He took the day shift and I took the nights. With only being twenty minutes away I could be there quickly if something happened he couldn't handle.

It wasn't an easy transition but I knew Jax had done his best to take care of them. The first couple of days were pretty easy, it was give them medicine, turn on the television and get them a drink or food. Then they started to feel better and it was rough on him to say the least. But it progressed to shit within a day.

After I seen the living room when I got home, it was going to be rough on me as well. It would take hours to clean this mess up. Game boards and pieces strung everywhere. Toys all over the couch. The beds we set up in the living room for them to be together had the sheets and blankets on the floor. Dished stacked a mile high on the coffee table.

"I guess I'll start here." I picked up an arm full of laundry to go wash. The entire arm load was dropped by me when I went in the kitchen. "What the hell happened?"

"Shh, Jax is sleeping." His arms were sprawled out with his head down on the kitchen and his cheek laying in pool of melted ice cream.

With a chocolate fudge covered face she gave me a huge smile. "We had ice cream."

"I can see that. Get stripped down and I will cover your wound so you can take a shower. Sissy, go to my bathroom and Thomas use the other one."

First I done Thomas, he was simple. Then came the one who had to be scrubbed down. She didn't care for the shower much but for another couple of weeks she couldn't take a bath.

The decision was made I would tackle the kitchen just so I could have a spot to cook. The banging around I done when I loaded up the dishwasher, finally woke him up.

"What time is it? Man, they kicked my ass today." As much as I wanted to bitch about the condition of the house. The kids had already punished Jax enough. He ran his hands under the water and splashed it on his face to wash off the ice cream. "I don't see how you do it. You're a great mom, Tara. You do everything for them. But, can you answer me one question?"

"Yes."

"How in the hell do you make a grill cheese sandwich? No matter how I done it they kept telling me it was wrong, not like you do it." Well, that explained all the dishes and the mess in the kitchen anyway.

"Thomas likes his cut with the star and Alex likes the heart. It was something Kyle started with Abel. I..."

There were those moments of sadness which still overtook me at times. Maybe Jax wasn't the best person to express these emotions with. Yet, my eyes filled up anyway. It was those times in which I just couldn't let go.

"It's alright." Jax allowed me to cry on his shoulder about a topic which was off limits to him. I'd say we both found some forgiveness in our hearts.

"Mommy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, baby. Let's get you cleaned up."

Once they got clean and I changed their bedding. I got dinner ready. After they got their dose of medicine and clean bandages on their wounds. I put in a new movie I got them. It always got their attention to see something new. While they watched it I cleaned up the rest of the house.

Since Jax had a rough first day. I planned out meals for breakfast and lunch for the rest of the week. Their clothes were in piles, a clean set per day. Thomas was simple, stretchy shorts and socks. Sissy was a little harder. She couldn't have anything to rub on her wound. I found sundresses and pajama dresses for her.

As I glanced at the clock, it was already ten and past their bedtime. Not that it got stuck to much as of lately. They got a free pass to do pretty much as they wanted to within reason. Thomas has already entertained himself with a video game. I knew Sissy was about to pass out because she kept blinking her eyes often.

"Read me a story."

"Okay. Once upon a time there was three bears; daddy bear..."

"He is a Jax bear." She was insistent on how her story went already at her age. Since it was her childhood and it made her extremely happy. The damn bear was Jax from here on out. By the time I closed the book she was out. I gave her another kiss and covered her up.

"I'll be on the porch if you need me." Thomas nodded as he was playing his game.

However, my favorite spot was occupied with someone else tonight. "You know, you can't stay up all night to see if he shows up Jax and watch the kids tomorrow."

"The monster always raises it's ugly head when you least expect it. Only I know he will be back and soon. You don't owe a guy like him money and just walk away from it."

There were moments of truth you must face to find your place in life. At my office wasn't one of those places however. Jax spoke of the monster last night and the devil appeared before me today. He posed as a patient as the cover to get to me. The kind of sickness he had, I certainly couldn't cure.

"You can't come here."

Gang boss found humor in the fact I didn't want him coming to my place of work. He hopped up on the examine table. "It got me to thinking about what you said; me being a little bitch and shit."

"It wasn't exactly what I said. But go ahead."

"Maybe there's a way you and I can do some business. You don't have to pay me back and I don't have to kill you. I think it's a win, win, for both of us."

"What are you talking about?"

"Meet me with your partner at the park at five. Don't make me come looking for you, Doc."

My eyes rolled on his way out while my receptionist gave him the normal spiel. "Mr. Smith, do you have health insurance or are you paying with cash today?"

"Cash is king." With the sly smile on his face, his arrogant persona surpassed him.

Of course Nicole agreed to it too, like we had a choice in the matter. However, we looked like we fit in with other mothers who were just watching their children play. Quietly we set on the park bench waiting to see what this psycho wanted in return from us.

"Ladies." He was always so calm, cool and above all arrogant. Then again, I remembered back to a time, so was someone else I knew. Jax would fuck you over to your face, then convince you he was doing you a favor. Just like Gemma would. I wondered if gang boss had a mother just like her too.

"What do you want us to do?"

"When it's time, I'll contact you with the details." He was leaving already. He told us nothing and asked us for nothing.

"Then why the hell are we here?" I felt it was a fair question.

"I needed to see if you're loyal or not."

"Loyal? You think this proves loyalty?" Criminals had different code of honor. Their thought process was a lot different as well. But he was running a game with us, playing it out for a different purpose. My gut and head told me so. When you have dealt with an outlaw queen and lived with a biker king. You just knew.

"It proves you done exactly what I asked you to. When it's time, all you gotta do is what I ask you to."

"How the hell did you become a boss? Aren't you afraid of getting caught?" Nicole hadn't lived the same way I had. Sure, her husband had killed people too. Only it wasn't from power and greed like mine had. Although, I was interested how he answered her questions.

"I flip my game. You cross me, I kill you. You're not loyal, I kill you. You get in my way, I kill you."

Gang boss left us on the park bench in total confusion. Maybe it was the game, confuse us enough to where we done something so outlandish there was no coming back from it. Or perhaps, he was just a stupid man who had no game plan at the moment but kept us on the hook for something he needed done later. Either way, he was dangerous to our existence.

"I need to pickup Holly."

"I need to cook dinner."

We parted ways with the same mission in place, to take care of our family. I set in the car before I went inside. I knew how I got myself here this time. I done it out of love. But I done it out of love way back when too.

There was at least one pleasant thing to come out of today. The house wasn't a total wreck when I walked in. It was bonus to not clean all night. Sometimes you had to take the small wins and be grateful for them when they came.

Thomas was in Abel's room they were playing on the computer together. Then I heard Sissy's voice. "Like this, Jax."

If I had a camera in my hands I would have snapped a photo. They were at her tiny play table in her room. It was set for teatime with her dishes and several stuffed animals had joined them for the party. She was demonstrating to him how the pinky was properly extended out when he sipped from the cup. It totally melted my heart. The bad ass himself had a weak moment where he showed a side of himself I'd never seen and he seemed to actually enjoy it.

"Mommy."

"Let's get your bath done so I can put on a fresh bandage."

Jax went to leave as his shift for the day with the kids was through. But I couldn't just let him walk away without acknowledging it. "Thank you." Perhaps I had a weak moment too. I hugged him to me a little too closely before I pulled away. He never said anything about it and went ahead and left as previously planned.

You had to proceed with caution when you felt on the weak side. There were those who would eventually use it against you. You could never let a fleeting weakness event take away all the strong ones you had. It was why I pulled away. There was so many reasons I had to remain strong and on guard.

No matter how guarded you really were. There were always surprises waiting around the corner for you. Gang boss caught me on an off day. When I looked up from my plate at lunch he was at the same cafe. He never came near me or spoke either. On several occasions I stared back yet continued to enjoy my meal.

It wasn't until I compared notes with Nicole. He was stalking us on our daily routine habits. He would show up and let us know of his presences but wouldn't approach us. There was no way in hell it was a coincidence either it just happened that way.

After a few more accidental meetings took place before I searched for how he knew where we were. I turned off my cellphone to see if it was bugged. Only he found me again. I had GPS on the car, it was a possibility. So I called to get it disconnected, it was the same result. He made his way to me.

"I need to know if I have something on my car."

"Something on your car?" The mechanic had no idea what I was talking about.

"I keep hearing a noise."

The car was on the lift and I found what I was looking for. A small black box attached to it. "It's a spare key box. I forgot I have it." Was the explanation I offered the mechanic and offered to pay him for his time. Since he got money for doing nothing he could have cared less what it really was.

This was where you had to be smart about what was done and when. I made certain it was vacant before I went through the gate. Now all he had to do was show up. At this point I didn't care how many hours it took either.

Almost on cue his black Cadillac came around the curve of the lake at the park. I set on the park bench and waited for him to exit his car.

"I'm here. You can have it back now." I threw it at his chest. Which, he didn't even blink, flinch or care.

"I am impressed, Doc. You found the bug I planted. I had to know you can be trusted."

"This isn't my first rodeo." If he felt he was a criminal master mind, he wouldn't stood a chance against Jax. I faced evil, stood toe to toe with it and was still standing. There wasn't too much which he could have done to surprise me.

"Mine either." He only took a few step away from me before he finished what he had to say. "By the way, how is your son and daughter doing?"

"What the hell do you want from me?"

"For you to pay the debt you owe me. I gotta way you ladies can. Wipe the slate clean."

"How?"

"Sure you don't need your old man here to handle it for you?" It was the snide way he said it. This was my problem and I would handle it myself. If he thought I was weak I was already dead or his prisoner for life.

"I don't need a boy to handle my shit."

After he told me what he wanted Nicole and I to do. I made it clear to him what I wanted too. "After I do this. Stay the fuck away from my family."

For every plus there was a minus in life. Then there was just fucking negative in each direction you turned. No matter which way I went, it would bring hell down on us all. If I stopped now he would kill my family.

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I don't need a boy to handle my shit. Stay away from my family.

Tara Knowles

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Love to faults is always blind, always is joy inclined.

Lawless, winged, unconfined, and breaks all chains from every mind.

William Shakespeare

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Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but [rather] give place unto wrath:

for it is written, vengeance [is] mine.

Romans 12:19

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I hope you enjoyed reading me!

Please forward to the next chapter.