Chapter 49
Angels and Outlaws
Part 13 of 16
Chapters 49, 50, and 51 have been posted. Make sure to read them all.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! To those who celebrate it. I hope you had a wonderful feast.
I'm full of turkey myself. I read over these chapters quickly again. If you find mistakes, ignore them, I will fix errors tomorrow. I really wanted to give you a holiday greeting and get this posted.
When fear overtook you. There were only two choices; fight or flight. Since I was too damn old to run away and start over again with my children. It took me a while to come to the conclusion I had no alternative choices left. So, once I made my decision, it was engraved in stone. I would fight until I took in my last breath. Until my heart no longer had a beat to it. Until life as I knew it was over and done with.
There were already consequences coming to the surface for my actions. When you plunged down the rabbit hole, you just had to pray the magic act would allow you to resurface at some point. It was true, you couldn't control every situation and the outcome of it. But you could choose how you dealt with it. That time was the present for me.
Rio was aware the witness wasn't killed as he instructed. He was aware I had not followed through on our agreement. He was aware of his own consequences he would suffer if the guy testified. Obviously, because it was all over the news the next morning of the drive by performed on the guy on his way in to the courthouse. The guy suffered his consequences of a death sentence by ratting on his boss. As he went to turn in state evidence, he plunged down the rabbit hole to never be seen again.
My hopes Rio would be dealt with for the crimes he committed and he would be locked up for the rest of his life was over. Of course the shooter wasn't apprehended and they had no suspects. It wouldn't be long now until the same shooter showed up on my doorstep to tie up loose ends. To serve my death sentence for my act of betrayal.
"I need intel on this guy. Everything we can find out about Rio." Jax immediately went into outlaw mode. The dead give away was the way he carried himself if you blinked for a brief moment you missed it; in complete control of the situation even though he wasn't. So calm and precise with every move. Then came the part of him over the years I learned to hate; the cold heartened killer and the calculated man. I had watched him so many times in the past become this monster. Only this time the monster surfaced to save me because I couldn't save myself. I wiped away a single tear which escaped me before they noticed.
"I might be able to get some information." Nicole was still in contact with all the guys, Kyle's brothers. It was a touchier situation for her, if they told David, we were all busted anyway. By her husband the cop. While she went to make a call for a favor. I done some hard necessary thinking. We were doomed since we began.
"I should just turn myself in, make a deal or something. Then you and Nicole are out of this."
"Tara, you can't do that. Witness protection is fucking a joke as you have seen. Rio will find you."
"You can't protect me forever, Jax. We both already know how this will end."
"Not if I kill him first." Jax and I were interrupted when Nicole handed him the phone. "I need as much information as you can get me. We'll be there."
We took a drive it wasn't like I wanted to go but the three of us had to stay together and stick together until the end. If we had any chance of survival, it was to defend each other and conquer this shit as a unit of criminals. Whatever the outcome was, it was coming at us fast and hard.
"He's late."
"He will be here." Nicole was trying to reassure Jax. But he had anxiety with us sitting out in the open as targets.
Just like she said, he arrived. Not that he wasn't really surprised to see Jax with us. It was never brought up as we went to the picnic table so he could do his thing. "What do you want to know?" Techno solider boy was speaking to Nicole but Jax took over.
"What criminal record Rio has."
"There is nothing under that name. Do you have another?"
Cash is king.
"Try Cash, I'm not sure if it's a last name or his first maybe." The day Rio came to the office he was so smug when he said it. It was a long shot at best. Yet, it was all we had left.
"Stop. That's him." Jax stood over his shoulder while they flipped through pictures. Sure enough that son of a bitch was on Facebook. "Christopher Cash. Can you get an address on him?"
"I can do anything. Of course I can." He typed away on the keyboard but stopped in mid key stroke. "Whoa."
"What?"
"His father is Ryan Cash." Jax just shrugged at what he said. "Senator Ryan Cash."
His response didn't defer Jax though. If anything it seemed to intrigue him to find out more about the gang boss. "That's his connection. It's how Rio stays a ghost. Can you get his bank records?" The wheels were turning so rapid in Jax's mind, Nicole and I couldn't keep up with him. Once he had one question answered, it brought on a shit storm more. He wasn't highly book educated but he was one smart man when it came to this.
"It will take a day or so. But I can do anything."
"Thanks, bro." Jax stuck his hand out but the gesture was ignored.
"I didn't do it for you. If David finds out, I had nothing to do with it. I hope you two know what you're doing."
"This has nothing to do with Jax. I caused this mess." Once you surrendered to the truth, maybe you weren't a better person for it. Maybe just more at eased about. I could have let him drive off to the belief Jax was the bad one in all of this. Although when I had to face myself in the mirror, it spoke volumes.
"So, what now, Jax?" Nicole drove us around while he decided what our next move was.
"Due diligence. We watch Rio and we learn." There wasn't an explanation of what we might learn or how even. But Jax was determined this was the way we went next. It was in our best interest to follow his lead since we were blind to how the outlaw world truly worked on the inside. Sure, I'd lived among them and gotten a glimpse of it. Yet I still had so much I truly didn't understand of their way of thinking. It was a side of him that would continue to remain a mystery to me.
But everywhere we went was nothing but a dead end. Rio was nowhere to be found. Or maybe he just didn't want us to find him because he anticipated what was to come. So we gave up. I'd finally had enough of chasing after a ghost who did not want to be seen. We'd begin the hunt first thing in the morning. We'd do all the same thing we had done today. We'd try to have damage control over what we had previously done.
In this experience I gained knowledge of the outlaw life. There were times I had been hard on Jax probably without a real reason. Like he was gone all night or until the early morning hours mostly. They didn't exactly keep bankers hours. They didn't exactly socialize with outsiders, they stayed within their circle. In the process there were other unexplained things he had done I didn't really understand before. Now, it was all thrown in my face. It was up close and very fucking personal to me.
"We need to find a place to stay off the beaten path. A place Rio won't think to look for us."
"Jax, I can't do that. If I don't go home tonight, I'll be divorced by tomorrow."
"You will put David at risk, if you do. We don't intentionally put the ones we love in danger but because of who we are and what we've done, we still do."
Those words Jax spoke were what I used to hate about him. His actions made us all suffer around him. He had put my family in the cross hairs of every criminal nearby. Now, it was the same action I had done which put us in danger. Before I passed judgement down on him, I should have made sure my hands were completely clean of sin.
Nicole, however, was still not sold on this idea. Her home life fell a part since this began. It too was another fault which fell on me and me alone. But Jax was a smooth talker and he convenience her it was what was best. I noticed since we brought him in on our little problem he had reverted back to the old Jax I once knew in some ways. Again, just another fault to add to my list.
We were to pack light. A backpack with a couple changes of clothes and toiletries. I chose a picture of my children as well. At the top of the closet, I had a wooden box full of my past. Something from it too went in there.
When grief or sorrow impacted your daily thoughts. There were no safe places to hide from it. You couldn't just move to a new location to escape it. I took a look around at the home we had built here before I shut the door. The flowers I planted with Sissy were in full bloom and thriving. It was hard to look at pretty flowers when you were withering away inside.
"Did you get David to stay there tonight?"
"I told him I will be with Tara and to pull a double shift tonight so we can have the weekend together. Basically, I lied to him again."
"As shitty as it feels, you may have saved his life." Nicole was hurting at the moment. Jax tried to ease the pain. "You may not believe me, but, it's better this way. It's better to tell lie than get them killed because of something you done."
"Yeah." Nicole was in the process of doing her own heavy duty thinking. She went and got in the car and we followed behind her.
Although, Jax didn't approval of the place off the beaten path she chose. It was quaint, with an old charm flare to it. The angel water fountain out front caught my attention. It was white, pure and on the beautiful side. The tranquil flow around it sort of mesmerized me.
"Tara, I got our room." Nicole reserved it over the phone with her credit card. The key was in her hand as we followed after her once again.
We dropped off our stuff in the room. It was decorated to the hilt to feel like a home away from home stay. The carved rose soap on the sink was just another detail to give you comfort. On the way out the door I noticed a painting on the wall. The fountain was in the center with angels flying high around it. It was a reminder of my five baby angels.
Yet, there wasn't time to stop and smell the roses on the way back to the minivan. It wasn't the right moment to reminisce of the life we once lived. It was the occurrence of what had to be done and who we had to find. We made one more attempt to run in to Rio.
It was decided Jax would put himself out there in the open to attract the gang boss even though I thought we were done for the day. Nicole and I were to stay out of sight but nearby. She and I found a place at the edge of the trees. We were only feet from where he set on the park bench. It was a frequent place Rio visited.
The park was pretty empty this evening except for the occasional jogger or couple out for a stroll. Then he came along. When he moved closer to Jax, we waited to see if this was a trap or not. But, the old man was not a threat. He set on the other end of the bench with a newspaper.
There was not a word spoke between them. That was until the old man lowered his paper and watched Jax for a few minutes. "Do you got woman troubles, son? You got the look."
"The only woman trouble I have, is I don't think I'll ever understand them."
"My wife, god rest her soul, passed. We were married for forty years. She had these little figurines of cats, ugly as sin. Every day she would line them in up in the window sill. Every day I put them back in the drawer. We did that for forty years."
"Where are they now?" Jax lit up a smoke and seemed to want to know the answer.
"Sitting on the window sill just where she left them." The old man folded his newspaper up and tucked it under his arm. "You are not meant to understand women, just love them." He gave Jax a pat on the back before he disappeared.
Jax eventually dropped the smoke to the ground and used his foot to extinguish it. "Rio is not coming. We might was well head back. We'll look for him tomorrow."
Nicole stopped at a drive thru for some food. It hadn't even phased me we hadn't ate all day. She handed Jax the bags of fast food to be eaten when we got back to our room. Only I truly wasn't hungry. It could have been the raw nerves made my stomach upset. Or I looked at as the last supper I would probably have.
"Are you sure you don't want any?"
"No thanks." The ice tea tasted good and was all I wanted. Probably what I could keep down anyway as upset as my stomach was. The knots inside of it had their own knots.
They finished up and Jax stretched out on his bed. Nicole and I would share one. She was filing her nails getting ready to polish them. They seemed more at ease than I was. I had to find something to occupy my mind. So, I took his notebook out of my backpack.
It always brought me closer to Kyle when I read it. It always had a calming effect on me. It always made me miss him even more.
When an angel falls and goes bad, they are more dangerous and worse than any outlaw could ever be. There is no gravitational pull to bring you back from it. You can't find the center of what was once good about you. There is a constant battle within yourself. As to where the outlaw, knows what they are and doesn't care.
The world of demons, fallen angels, is very real. It is a fact we must accept and deal with. We must face this reality so we do not unknowingly fall into their hands and come under their tyranny. The evil presences is stronger sometimes even stronger than good and faith. But pure love always prevails when you truly believe in it.
Carefully, I thought about the meaning of his words. Had Kyle known what the outcome of how it would end for me and he left me clues in his writing to prepare me for it. Or was it the same struggles we experienced. I wasn't certain of who I truly was anymore. I stepped over the line so many times recently. I was teetering on the edge of hell and was about to go over the point of return. It brought John Teller to mind, he was always on that cliff ready to dive off too.
"I'm going to take a bath." Nicole bounced off the bed and headed to the bathroom. It made me jump a bit because I was on edge.
"What are you reading?" When I looked up Jax was just staring at me.
"Nothing really." Since Jax and I were alone at the moment. This was a good time for a chat. "What will this end up doing to you? I would hate to see you go back to where you once were. I actually like the Jackson Teller you are today." There was a code the outlaws spoke in. I had cracked most of it years ago. I spoke in a code too. It was one of caring and true concern without coming out to say exactly what I meant.
"You can bring the message to someone but you don't create the mess. So, stop worrying. I'm a killer, a bad man, I know what I am. This don't change shit for me."
To remember who you once were, you had to stop remembering who they told you to become. You had to wipe out the memory of who they taught you destiny would make you. You had to clear your mind of the all the things which made you the person you were and more on the side of the goal of the type of person you wanted to become. Before all this started Jax was almost there. He had rejuvenated to a good man with with good intentions.
But with Jax he never really stood a chance, it was thrust upon him his entire life. The outlaws lived it, walked the path and killed any good inside him to allow the evil to take control over him. If I had stayed with our children, the same would have happened to them. There were no doubts left, my sons were destined for the same.
Everything happened for a reason, perhaps, all of this had a more meaningful purpose than any of us knew. Change was a torment. Growth didn't happen overnight. You either had to fly with the angels or burn with the outlaws. Yet, this experience had taught me, sometimes, you had to be both just to survive.
"Would you like to take a walk with me? You can have a smoke while we sit out by the angel fountain."
"I'd like that, Tara."
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The biggest fight you'll ever have is between who you are now and who you are capable of becoming.
Jax Teller
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God has given you one face. You make yourself another.
William Shakespeare
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God said to Mosses; I am who I am.
Exodus 3:14
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You had to look into yourself, dive deep in your mind to realize bad things just happened that were completely out of your control. It wasn't necessarily always based on the fact if you were a good or bad person. Which terrible things took place in your life it was the inevitable, they only took up a few pages in your story. Yet, it should be easy to survive but was it?
It never went wrong when you expected it to, somehow, it waited you out until you took in a cleansing breath to fucking knock the life out of you. Still there was a part of me, maybe a small part left, that truly believed everything happened for a reason. You learned from your mistakes and others mistakes made you wiser. You grew from doing the hard things you couldn't even imagine until you were faced with it. You held on to the good things in life when you were broken to get through it.
"Seriously?" I watched Nicole use a precise hand while she outlined her lips with the pencil. The layer of pink lipstick went on next.
"Just because we are criminals doesn't mean we shouldn't look our best." The final touch of gloss was applied. After she smacked them together she was ready to go.
As always though, it was hurry up and wait. Which was what we done until he showed up. Not that we had anything to complain about he was helping us out of the goodness of his heart.
"It's how they wash the money. Daddy uses his champagne to run the cash through it. Can you get in those accounts and transfer funds without getting caught?"
"Of course I can. I can bounce it off so many servers it will take them a couple of weeks to track it down. I just have to get close enough to it. But you are playing a dangerous game. These are people with power and they will figure it out then come after you eventually."
"Yeah, they will." Even though there was a chance they would come after us, it meant nothing to Jax. Techno geek was just a pawn in this game like we all were, including Jax. But he lit up a smoke and kept going. "If I call I need you to do that. I get you hate me. Sometimes, hell, I hate myself. This is for Tara, to keep her alive."
He immediately locked eyes on me. He was struggling as much with shit as I was. Not that I would blame him if he wanted nothing to do with it. But as all good men when called upon, he came around. "I'll do it for Tara. But this is the last time. When the shit comes down and it will come, I had nothing to do with it. I have a family to protect."
"Fair enough, bro."
There were always hopes of the easy fix. To make one simple little change which would erase the problem. However, it never worked out that way. There was one thing for certain, we had to stick together. There couldn't be any slip ups, no goofs, everyone had to pitch in and carry their own weight. There were no doubts Jax was the mastermind behind us. Yet, there were somethings we were better at by nature.
"I need you to distract them."
"I'm on it."
Jax grabbed Nicole's arm as she went off on the mission. "Without getting arrested."
"Well, that could be a little more difficult." Nicole flipped her hair over her shoulder and shed the shirt she had over the tank top. I already knew where she was going with this. She would use her wicked woman charm to get their attention. The long blonde curly hair, those big blue eyes with pouty pink lips and not to mention her other two big assets were protruding through her shirt.
"Excuse me, I am so lost. I get turned around in these big buildings." She portrayed it well. The smile, laughter and all the flirting they could handle. When I thought about it, men were so easily amused by the sight of a pretty face.
Jax didn't have it so easily. The closer he tried to get, the more attention he attracted. At first, I stood back and waited for him to direct me. But it didn't last long. I followed along with the crowd. I didn't stand out, no one even acted as though they noticed me. It was an advantage for being ordinary.
As I went to get on the elevator. "Ma'am you will have to take the next one." The man in a crisp black suit made certain the senator was on secure ride.
Jax gave me a nod when I enter the elevator and pushed the button for the floor where it previously stopped. The doors opened up and I didn't have to ask where the senator went to. The men in black suits were standing guard over a suite. I'd say the senator was behaving badly when the redhead answered the door in hardly nothing. I tried to get a shot of them on my phone without it being to obvious.
"Did you see where he went to?" I answered Jax's question with my cellphone. He had a plan for it too.
Just like all good plans and intentions, they got interrupted. We went back to the room to grab Jax's backpack. I had to use the potty anyway. But it got interrupted when I head David's rather on the loud side voice come in. "I find you here with this piece of shit."
"Bro, I'm not fucking your old lady."
It was a confrontation between them. David was hot when he traced Nicole's credit card to this place and he didn't believe Jax at all. Which, If I had been in David's shoes, I probably wouldn't have believed it either.
So, I went to try to defuse the situation. Only David's response was nothing like I expected when I came out of the bathroom. "What kind of sick shit is this?"
"It's not what you think."
"Your boss called you haven't been to work in a week. You have never lied to me before or maybe I never caught you. Then what is it, Nicole?"
"I can't tell you."
Those were the words of war in a couple's relationship. You were supposed to trust your partner with your everything. Once you didn't, it all crumbled to shit and rapidly. The best way to find out if someone was worthy of your trust was to trust them completely without reservations. But once it was broken, it wasn't just them you longer could believe. You questioned every single judgement you made. I knew from experience in this area.
"You know I'm not even mad you lied to me. But I'm fucking pissed I can't trust you anymore."
"David..." Nicole was stuck in between love and the truth. It was shitty place where you had to choose between how much you loved them and how much damage your love done to them. "David..." From the doorway she watched her husband leave. She watched her husband walk away from their love.
"Go home."
"I can't we have to..."
"Go talk to your old man." It was good advice Jax gave her. If she didn't make the attempt to fix their relationship it would be a wedge there forever. Since she drove we went with her.
"What do I say to David?"
"You do what you need to do. I will backup whatever you decide to tell him. Even if it is the truth." Nicole was given an out. A free pass to fix what I had fucked up for her. No matter how she chose to handle it. I would be there for her just as she had me.
"We can get a change of clothes and get out of here."
"I'm not running. This is my home."
"Tara, this is not a safe place to stay."
"My mind is made up, Jax. If I'm going to die. I'm going to do it here."
Everything changed as we aged. Your mind, your body and the way you viewed the world. It remained to be seen how those changes played out, for the better or the worst was still to come around. Either way I walked through my front door with my head held high. More determined than ever I could survive this shit. My bag was tossed on the couch. The picture of the kids on the mantel seemed crocked. I adjusted it along with my head. "This is my home."
With every good feeling I received from being here, there was a bad one which gnawed at me. We made a trip to Home Depot before night came. Jax bought items I couldn't figure out why. When I asked he gave one hell of a reason.
"Rio won't come until it's dark. He stands out too much and people will notice him. These will give us the advantage of knowing he's around. It's what I'd do so I'm guessing he will too. How people treat you is their best defense, how you react is yours."
"That is profound, Jax. I never thought of how we react is our defense."
"I heard it on Power Rangers when I watched it with the kids."
It might have been the only thing I had to laugh about today. But I had a smile on my face from it. I had truly learned to enjoy being around Jax. There were moments when my inner guard, slipped away. I let the shield down when I was around him. However, I still had to be aware of all my surrounding with Rio out there.
Evil couldn't be studied among scientist to put out fact sheets on the subject. They could guesstimate but they would be incorrect unless they personally lived it. It was an illusory moral concept which hadn't existed in nature. Where it originated from, how it was determined and when it was inflicted. There were links to it by religion and mythology more than society realized. More than I had until now even.
The more I watched and payed attention to Jax, the more questions than answers I had. He was precise but I couldn't exactly pinpoint what he done. He was meticulous but not to the point I could copy it. He was trying his best to keep me alive but I wasn't certain I would be after this was over.
"You should sleep. I'll take the first watch."
"Okay."
Yet, sleep just would come my way. The blanket draped across the rocking chair called my name in my bedroom. I knew it was a silly notion to not allow anyone to sit in Kyle's chair but me. At this point, it was all that was left of him in many ways which was just for me and him. With the blanket laid across my lap and the gun at my side on the table, I opened his notebook. It was the final act so to speak. The letter he had wrote to me on the day he died.
Walk on with love in your heart and you will never be alone. Dance under the stars every chance you get. The moment I will never forget, the moment I met you and seen you smile.
Each time I read it, there was another reason I missed him. I picked up the picture of my children which set on the table. I put it by my bed and tried to close my eyes. But every slight sound I heard kept me wide awake. Perhaps I felt sleep was my final state. I had time to sleep when I died.
Most nights lately were filled with sleeplessness and worry, as the stack of bricks on your chest chocked out all the good dreams. Only to waken to the reality of nightmares were better than what you faced up ahead of you.
Although exhaustion had taken it's course and over took me. I wished for a peaceful rest for once. Yet the fears in my mind had other plans. Once again I was engulfed in fire, it was all I could see for miles. The smoke was so thick it woke me up coughing. I could have chocked on it.
I never self medicated but tonight was the exception to the rule. After I washed the sleeping pill down with a glass of water. The soft blanket swaddled me like a child. Maybe it was the comfort I needed to not see monsters in my dreams. A deep sleep could give my brain a deep cleansing.
On other hand, it made miss my children even more. They knew for certain who they were without me, I had no clue who I was without them. I tried to focus on all the good times we had shared. All times we were a happy family. All times I prayed we still had to come.
The loud bang brought me out of a rest state. I listened again and the sounds disappeared. Once I rolled back over, the front door shut. Maybe it was just Jax having a smoke or something. Then I realized it wasn't.
"Stop it you guys. I will do it." Ellie was getting on to the boys about something. It immediately made me rise from the bed. Had I heard it correctly. "Kenny fix the toast."
"I picked flowers for Mommy." It was Sissy's voice.
"I got the vase." After I heard Thomas. I was certain they were here.
"Mom's present is wrapped and ready." Abel was with them too.
"When Tara gets up she will be so surprised." When Kenny said it. I almost sprang out of bed.
As much as I wanted them to stay out of danger. I ran in just my t-shirt to the living room to hug them to me. They were gathered around the dinning room table all decorated and pretty with their little smiling faces to greet me. It was a mother's day feast they prepared, I remembered it as if it were just yesterday. Only it was an empty house. It was only in my mind.
However, a house was never truly empty. It was filled with your most precious memories. Those you cherished and held on to. It became a home when your heart and soul was put in it. Although my heart was heavy when I set at the table alone and thought of them.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah." Really I wasn't alright. I wasn't sure which was worst, nightmares I had or the nightmare I might never see my children again. Either way, I wasn't going to close my eyes to see it again. So I went to make coffee.
While it brewed I watched Jax. The wheels were turning in his head. We had to get on the inside. It was much easier said than done though. To some degree we all needed a form of acceptance. I always found fitting in was usually a luxury most never received. But he shown great resilience. He done it without much effort it seemed. You could see his mind working overtime on the matter. I took him a cup of coffee because he hadn't slept most of the night and I didn't want to try again.
"Thanks."
"Did you come up with anything?"
"Yes I did. But you probably won't like it." After the plan was explained to me, he was right, I hated the idea. Yet, really what choices did we have. From across the table, Jax took my hand in his. Since he had came back around, if I ever felt he was true and sincere, it was now. "Tara, we both know you are the good person here, if one of us has to go on the inside, it should be me. Look at the kids and all you have done with them. I..." Just as he took my hand he quickly released it too. "I need a smoke."
"I need to know this all ends, Jax. You know already. I'm not asking for me, I'm asking for my family, your family, our babies." He hesitated, I even thought he ignored me. But he stopped abruptly at the door. "Please tell me."
"It ends in tragedy and death. Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family. You have my complete loyalty now, Tara, above all else. I need to know I have yours. We won't survive this unless we are both on the same page."
"You do, Jax."
Jax had never uttered those words before. He told me loved me. He told me he would always protect me. He told me he would give me a beautiful life. Somehow, in the mist of danger, chaos and death. It changed everything.
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I know what hate does to a man; it tears him apart turns him into something he's not.
Something he promised himself he'd never be. Until nothing is left but tragedy and death.
Jax Teller
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Let me be cruel not unnatural; I shall speak daggers to her but use none.
William Shakespeare
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Moreover man does not know his time: like fish caught in a treacherous net
and birds trapped in a snare, so the sons of men are ensnared at an evil time when it suddenly falls on them.
Ecclesiastes 9:12
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Jax's theory turned out to be correct. If you watched someone you learned everything about them. Even their trash had a story to tell. By what they tossed out you knew some of their habits. What they spent their money on. Also garbage they didn't want the rest of the world to find out about.
The most interesting event came by visiting the same places as the Senator, he went to meet his son. The quickest way to find Rio was to follow his dad. It was the quickest way to get to a parent as well. When you wanted to hurt them, you hurt their children. It was always my biggest fear. My babies would be in the middle of retaliation. I just never thought it would be because of me.
We spent three hours in the car while we waited on the senator and his son to come out. Whatever in the hell they had to discuss was a lengthily conversation. It was either out of boredom or because we got comfortable around each other. We had an open and adult like talk about the past.
"If I answer your question. You gotta answer mine."
This was a dangerous game of the past to play with Jax. But he and I had came a long way from where we were. This was a test of just how far we came and how much over the past we truly were. However, the history you shared with another person was never where you thought you left it. "Alright, Jax. You answer mine and I will answer yours."
"I did fuck around once. I felt like I already lost you at that point anyway. Why him?" Jax immediately pulled the band aid right off and went to injure the wound again. He didn't take a breath before he got it all out either.
"There are a thousand reasons why. Maybe the most prominent one is, he loved me in a way I never felt before. There was nothing more important to Kyle in this world than me and the kids. He showed me it everyday. Or, I guess he loved more. It's hard for me to explain it to you."
"I wouldn't say he loved you more. Maybe he loved you better in the right way."
"Maybe."
It was the end of it. We went back on watch and let it all go. When you were mature enough to stop hating the past but kept the lesson you learned from it. It was when you truly found happiness in this life and moved on. Sure, sometimes it stung a little to hear the truth. But the truth shall set you free or the scars remained to remind you it was very real. Either way it was shit we should have said to each other long ago.
For now, Jax and I put our past on hold to deal with the present before us. Once their secret meeting broke up we tailed Rio back to an apartment complex. It was in a nice neighborhood and fairly new and nothing like you would except him to live in.
"Do you think he lives here or just here to hookup?"
"I don't know, Jax."
Since the area was so well lit and people were constantly coming and going. Stalking Rio here would become difficult. Jax was still confident we could still get away with it. After we existed out of the car, he held out his hand for me to take. He must have also read the hesitation on my face. "It's just pretend, Tara. So people don't notice us and we don't standout. Besides we never held hands out in public when we were together. That was my bad. A lot of things between us are my bad."
This was the opposite of déjàvu, I found nothing familiar about it. When you experienced it, it was the same again and again. But there wasn't anything I could connect to when I held his hand from our past. Or maybe it was because I seen Jax as a brand new man in a different light now.
"What?" Even in the glow of the lamppost Jax could see my reaction to him.
"We should try to find Rio."
Sure, it was a change the subject tactic I done. But this was some dangerous shit we were doing. If Rio knew we were here, he called in his crew and they would kill us. The best scenario was to follow him away from here and make certain he never resurfaced again.
"Go to the car. Be ready to drive."
It was the only warning I got from Jax. As I watched him slip off in the shadows of the night. Then I seen why he had his gun drawn and became part of the scenery. Rio had changed clothes and was ready to roll again. From the car I watched out the window and waited for it to go down.
When I seen who Rio had with him, I felt sick to my stomach immediately. It was a little boy not much more than five years old and called him daddy. Part of me knew the score and what dirty deed had to be done. The other part, the mother part, wanted to scream out the window to Jax don't. Wait until Rio was alone. The damage done to child couldn't ever be undone.
As the car drove away I was relieved and still in danger. Yet I felt more relief than anything. Although I knew Jax would come back to the car. I still jumped a bit when he slammed the door shut. "We will follow him and wait until he is alone."
"I got a better idea. The slot number for the car is apartment is 212. Let's see if anyone is home and if not, lets go inside."
"Sure, they will just let us in."
"I can get in, Jax. I will think of something to relate to the mother with if she is there."
"Who the hell are you?"
Jax was joking around with me but I was dead serious. "A mother who will do anything to protect her babies."
As I approached the door, Jax hung back, so it wouldn't spook her. Continuously I banged on it but no one ever came. "Christopher isn't home. He just left." Apparently I made so much noise the neighbor came out to see what was going on.
"I'm so embarrassed I left my purse here this morning after we hooked up at the bar. I don't suppose you have a key so I can get it do you?"
"Don't be embarrassed, it happens all the time with as many women he has in and out of here. You can try the fire escape, they are putting in a new alarm system and we had to leave the windows unlocked today for the installer."
"Thanks."
Jax gave me a boost so I reach the ladder step. He wanted me to wait in the car but that shit wasn't going to happen. So he finally agreed we went inside together. Although, I had to admit it was nothing like I thought it would be.
It was organized well, immaculately kept and decorated. As I passed by his son's room, I had to quickly move on. But Rio's bedroom was every woman's dream and his closet I was envious for. The walking in area was almost as big as my entire room at home. I noticed he only wore the finest clothing and cedar built in boxes separated everything.
Only it was what Jax found which made this worth doing. His black leather gloved hand gave my pink glove something interesting. "The senator is having a fund raiser black tie event tomorrow night at his mansion."
It wasn't what I thought was the most important though. There was a key to a storage unit. "Lets see what's in it."
"If we take the key, Tara. Rio will know."
"Not if we get one made and bring it right back."
"It's risky."
"It's an insurance policy, Jax. If there is something in there we can use against him."
As usual, it was easier said than done. We hustled there and hustled back with a copy of the key. Jax convinced me to stay put this time to watch for Rio's return. Just when you thought it was easy sailing something always happened to throw a kink in the plan.
Just be the lookout and warn Jax if Rio came back, was my job. When the headlights came in view, I immediately dialed his cell as his warning then hung up. As Rio and his son existed the car, there was still no sign of Jax. "Fuck."
There were moments when split decisions were made; good ones, terrible choices, the wrong way and the right path. You chose to play the helpless victim in life or you took control over your own destiny. I wasn't certain which this was but I made it and I had to play it out.
The car was thrown in drive as it sped along with the tires burned rubber. Shots were fired in the night. Not directly at Rio or the child but he didn't disappoint me either. He had his gun out quickly. As he scooped his son up in his arms. He was ready for the war because of his own choices. I had lived the war too. The first thing you done as a criminal, outlaw or mother was protect your child.
Where this went from here, I had no clue. As we both drove off in opposite directions. There was one thing I knew would come and come fast, Rio's crew to protect their king. I had to protect Jax and he finally called back. We were to meet up a few streets over.
Rio wouldn't call the cops to handle his business. But the neighbors might report the gun shots to them. This was the safe place as we agreed. If I spotted any lights coming my way, take no chances, we would pick another meetup spot.
"I didn't know what else to do, Jax. I..."
"You did great." It put me sort of at ease. Jax didn't get caught and he knew I had his back in the situation. Yet it was on to see exactly what Rio had in storage. There was no stopping this now.
"Jesus Christ." Was my reaction to what I seen. The entire unit was full of money, probably counterfeit money. I counted ten skids of stacked cash, wrapped in plastic. It was wall to wall endless amounts.
"We take it and use it against Rio."
"How much, Jax?"
"All of it."
To get this out of here we would need trucks to move it. But it was the plan we would carry out. We also needed our partner in crime for this one to pull it off. We had to move and move quickly before Rio thought anything was going down. Since we put the original key back where we found it. It probably bought us a couple of days at best.
"Did Rio see you in the parking lot?"
"I don't know."
"We need to be on guard tonight just in case."
Jax didn't have to explain any farther what he meant. Although I wasn't really sleepy as I felt the adrenaline rush from our criminal activities. It could have been the fact seeing Rio with his child made me miss mine even more. Or I simply just missed them.
From the door of Ellie's room, my nose was hit with the smell of the lotion she always wore as soon as I opened it. It wasn't just hers I visited either. Thomas had left his soccer ball on his bed, it was his passion. Then my little one almost broke me. Sissy had drawn a picture of her family and left it on the play table.
It went on the refrigerator door. On my way downstairs to get Abel and Kenny's laundry. I need something to occupy my time with. There room was messy, cluttered and typical boy kept. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to change a thing about it. I left the dirty clothes in their place.
With all of them on my mind I went to a happier place. I took the chocolate chips down from the cabinet. "Are you hungry?"
"Sure." Jax didn't look up from the project he was engrossed in. There were notes on every page he had strung out.
The radio played low in the background as I baked and cooked my ass off. It was feast I set on the table; chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate chip brownies. Along with a hot cup of coffee to wash it down with.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I just miss the kids."
"They'll be home soon."
I was glad Jax was optimistic because I was nothing without them. "Yeah. I'm going to take a bath."
As soon as I entered the room. The rocking chair was taunting me for many reasons. I had rocked my babies until they were grown. It was where I escaped this world to. Some of my most favorite times were spent with Kyle in one. Then the saddest thought, my mother had one too before she left me.
Feelings I hadn't experienced in so long came to the surface and demanded they be dealt with. While the hot water filled the tub. My tears flowed with it. I missed Kyle. I missed my mother. I missed my children. I was held captive by my emotions and they weren't showing me any mercy.
The hot water made my body feel good. Yet my heart just felt so broken at the moment. Maybe because I had no sense of a normal direction to go in. Maybe because this was uncharted territory for me. Or maybe because I missed them so much.
My mother had ended her life this way. She set in the tub and probably contemplated how it would all play out. Apparently, she felt she had nothing else to live for, not even me. The day before she left me, she set with my favorite coat on her lap in the rocking chair and fixed all which was wrong with my world at that time. I lost a button and I remembered how I cried about it. Somehow, she found a perfect match for it. Looking back now, maybe it was her way of saying goodbye to me or it was the happy memory she wanted me to have of her.
When I looked back at my own life, I wondered what happy memory my children would hold on to about me. If any at all. It made me cry harder than the day I lost my mother. When the knock on the door came, I tried to stop but I couldn't.
Jax came in when I said nothing. He handed me a towel so I could wipe my tears away. "Are you alright?"
"No."
He kicked off his shoes. With his clothes still on he climbed in the tub behind me. All I felt was his arms wrapped around me as I cried. "I'm here." He said no more until the water turned cold as I began to shiver. "I'll get your robe."
Jax took it off the hook for me. Then stripped off his wet clothing. He wrapped a towel around his dripping wet body. "After I get dressed, I'll make you some tea."
"Thank you."
The empty chair was always here when I needed it. The teacup and saucer made a noise when Jax set it down on the table beside me. A good hot cup of tea was a comfort drink, only today it done nothing for me.
"Hang in there just a little longer. It's almost over." Jax kissed my forward as he went to leave. These days he left me guessing more than not. "I'm going to handle it. The kids will be home soon."
"Why are you doing all of this for me?"
"Probably for the same reason you took me in when no one else gave a damn if I lived or died. I still love you, Tara." When I didn't say anything back. I could tell it made him a little on the uncomfortable side. It was his and his son's tell sign, he shifted his weight from foot to foot and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Or maybe I'm just a nice guy and don't want to see you get hurt."
"If you had to call yourself an angel or outlaw right now. What would you say you are, Jax?"
He sort of shrugged it off as he thought about it. "I guess it depends on what day it is."
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I'm here baby.
Tara Knowles
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For every fear that shakes your peace.
For every night you feel alone.
For every moment you feel a little hope.
There is an angel that whispers.
I am here.
Ann Taylor
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They do not love that do not show their love.
Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but love.
William Shakespeare
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You are not alone, I am here with you.
Hebrew 13:5
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It wasn't hard to establish between the person you once were and the one you had become. It began with minor changes, most wouldn't even notice them. For it to change to the major ones, those that effect you forever. Not only had they noticed by then, you had to survive it all. Which you had to pay the price down the road for it as well. The bill for my sins was about to come due.
Jax and Nicole had been by my side for it all. But now it was time to get down to business. We all went in to survival mode. Then I decided, dying wasn't the hardest part, living through it was. Only if you came out on the other side of it to tell your story had you truly accomplished anything.
"Well, don't look at me. My boobs won't fit in it." The only goddamn time having small breast worked in my favor. As Nicole so kindly pointed out. Hell even I had hard time trying to cinch the ballroom gown up around me. Techno's wife was tiny but at least she let me borrow it. "Suck it in, girlfriend. It's almost showtime."
"Put this in the ear your hair hides." I tucked the tiny piece Techno gave me in. He whispered from outside and I could hear it perfectly. "Now, this will allow me to be your eyes." A beautiful diamond broach he attached to the champagne colored wrap draped over the same colored dress was a spy device. "Don't be nervous, this is a cake walk."
"This is some real James Bond shit." Some looks were heavier than just a glance. I was taken back by Jax's appearance. The tuxedo Techno loaned him, formed to his body. I'd never seen Jax look so sharp. His hair sort of slicked back away from his face made him appear as a different person. He belonged on the cover of a magazine, he was so handsome.
Techno finished getting Jax hooked up with the special gadgets. It was time to rub elbows with the rich and elite. "Here is your invitation."
"Are you sure they won't know it's fake?"
"I can do anything. They won't realize it and they will let you in."
It was difficult to walk in the tight dress and matching heels with glitter. This wasn't exactly my choice of attire but it was necessary. As we approached the steps to the mansion, Jax held on to me around the waist because I wobbled a bit going up them. His hand lowered to the middle of my back when we were standing in line for this bullshit.
People came out in droves to attend. They had money too, a lot of it. Which they were expected to throw it at the senator's campaign. "Invitation please?" Jax handed it over and we waited to see if it was a good enough replica to fool them. "Mr. and Mrs. Bond." The man in expensive clothing checked for the names on the hand held computer. He gave the nod and we were waved through. "Enjoy the party."
"Seriously, bro, you chose Bond as the name."
"It worked didn't it?" Techno went to scolding me. "Stop touching it. Don't bring attention to your ear piece. Move around so I can see the layout."
He was smart and done many missions for the government. I shouldn't have doubted him yet I had. Jax and I didn't exactly blend in with this crowd of people. Someone else must have noticed how out of place we were. "Ashton Thornton, of the Hampton Thorntons. I don't believe I've seen you at one of these before."
"Bond of the California charter Bonds." I took Jax's arm as we just walked away from Ashton with a confused look on his face. "Bro, you need to hurry the fuck up so we can get the hell out of here."
"Perfection takes time. I'm almost in their security system. Mingle for about another five minutes."
It was the longest time to pass. We kept on the move when someone would approach us. It appeared as we circled around the room aimlessly almost. "Tara go upstairs." It was a tall order to fulfill because everyone would see me. "Jax create a distraction."
As I edged along to the bottom of the stairs I waited for the sign. "Everybody can I have your attention please."
"Jesus Christ." Jax's form of getting them to pay attention to him instead of me was to get up on stage. Where he went from there, who knew.
"Let me see the panel." The number pad on the two door-ed room was the destination I wanted to be in. "You need to get your boobs off of it. Back away a little." I got a little to close as he inspected it from the van.
"Sorry. This is my first caper."
"Come on bro, let me talk, man." From what I could hear Jax was the annoying drunk man at the party. The one who got their complete attention as he forced them to take the microphone away him as it gave me the opportunity to find what we were looking for.
"I got it, Tara." The numbers lit up in red as I heard the the door automatically unlock. "You have only three minutes before the alarm goes off. Three minutes starting as soon as you turn the knob."
Techno gave me explicit instructions of what needed to be done too. "Turn on the computer so I can get inside of it."
Our time was ticking away. "Well, are you in?"
"No. You need to download the content to the address I tell you to type in."
"Will it work?"
"Type fast, Tara. We only got about a minute before they are all on you."
"Shit." The balcony door rattled and it rattled me too.
"It's me. Let me in."
"Why are you out here, Jax?"
"The assholes kicked me out."
"Get back to the damn task at hand. You are going to get busted." Techno spoke it so fast I wasn't certain I punched it in correctly until the download began.
"It's working but it says two minutes before it's done."
"Oh, that's not good. I'm looking for an escape route now."
"We go out the same way I came in." Jax probably hadn't thought of the tight dress I wore would get in the way of his plan.
"You won't get the chance to. In thirty seconds they will be coming at you in all directions." It was the warning of the shit storm Techno gave us.
"Then I'm going out my fucking way." I didn't know of which way Jax meant. But he had his gun drawn and was at the balcony door.
"The van is ready." Nicole was in place just like we had planned for. Although nothing else was.
"Ten seconds left before they get the security warning."
"It still has a minute and forty five seconds to be complete."
"Don't panic Techno to the rescue. There is a service elevator in the room, it leads down to the kitchen. When the clock on the computer hits twenty seconds left, place the broach on it."
"Why would I do that for?"
"Because the computer will go boom."
Once you were outed, the enemy wanted blood as you trespassed on their territory. We just hadn't shit on their turf, we were a threat they had to silence. The full blown attack was under way when the security alarms went off. With the broach in my hand I waited on the countdown. But Jax didn't. He opened the balcony door and opened fire at no one. It was enough of a distraction because we could hear the guest's screams over the loud alarm. They were running for their lives as we soon would have too.
"It's down to twenty seconds."
"First I get to kiss Cinderella before her carriage turns back to a pumpkin."
"Jax, we don't have time for this."
"Get the hell out of there now." Techno sent out a warning to us. They were on the way to catching us.
"How romantic." Nicole weighed in and under normal circumstances I might have found it that way too.
"Come on."
"Nope." Jax crossed his arms and stood his ground. They were now about to knock the door down. "Better make up your mind, Cinderella."
"For the love of God. Kiss him already before we all end up in prison or dead."
"Kiss him, girlfriend."
"Fine." I gave Jax a quick peck on the lips.
"Do it like you mean it."
Those words barely came out of Jax before I pressed my entire body against his to help push him in the elevator. Our lips were one as we fell down the long shaft. We were spiraling out of control until the ride stopped. I landed on top of him at the end of the chute. In a pile of garage and old food.
"Now that was a kiss."
Without hesitation Jax aimed up and shot at the one who thought he would come down the chute after us. We had to get the hell out of here now. The kitchen was massive and the chef put his hands up immediately when he seen us. We weren't a threat but of course we seemed like one.
The shoes came off as I tried to keep up with Jax so we could run. I was never so damn happy to be a criminal in the back of a van with other criminals.
"You won't believe the information we got tonight."
"What?" Jax wanted to know. I just didn't want to throw up.
We hit a gold mine peek in their criminal world. The list of culprits they delivered the counterfeit cash to, the drop offs were noted on a calendar where and when. It was why Rio seemed so untouchable. He had the government office of his father working for him, protecting him and overseeing each transaction.
The most important information of course was the accounts they transferred the money through. It was what they would kill to get back.
Techno handed Jax a flash drive. "Protect it. They will come after you."
"Will do. Thanks, bro."
Nicole parked the van beside his car. He gathered up all the incriminating evidence. Along with the computer he used for the flash drive. Then Techno made a pile on the ground. When he returned from his car he wore thick rubber gloves. The bottle in his hand was poured over the stuff. Within a minute smoke came from it. It was disintegrating before our eyes.
"Thank again, bro."
"I was never here. Don't call me again. Seriously don't." Techno made his feeling very clear to us. He went to enter his car, then he paused. "Stay safe." All we seen was his tail lights in the night before he went out of sight.
"Now what, Jax?"
"We keep hitting Rio and we don't stop. When you take everything away from a man, he doesn't think as clearly."
"How will we know it worked?"
"If we don't end up in prison or dead, it probably did."
Jax borrowed unmarked trucks and a forklift from his boss. First he took off the plates so it couldn't be traced back to the company. It was the middle of the night so odds were less likely of us getting caught or getting stopped by the cops. Nicole and I kept watch out front while he moved the money out. Not to mention with the help of Techno's knowledge to disable all cameras and alarms and it was performed quickly by us.
"Go down to the stop light. We split up there and meet where we planned to."
This should have been such a simple plan to carry out. It wasn't until I made the turn and seen him in the parking lot. "Please don't follow me." When the headlights of the police car came on, I knew I was fucked. "Shit."
Here I was in a vehicle with a shit load of funny money from a crime boss being tailed by a cop. With no licenses plate on it, I was a prime example of a text book bust in the making. The turn signal went on as I made it. Then the fucking cop had his on too. "Son of a bitch."
He was on my ass and I couldn't shake him. I picked up my phone for things needed to be said. "I have a cop on me. I..."
"Don't panic. Where are you?"
"I need you to listen to me, Jax. Kenny, Abel and Ellie will be fine eventually on their own. Make sure Abel graduates he only has another year to go. Since Thomas got sick he is a little clingier than normal. Don't embarrass him about it just be there when he needs you. Nicole will take Sissy, she is not your burden. But if you have time, visit her once in a while, she adores you. In the envelope I gave you, there is specific instructions of what I want done. Please, never allow them to forget how much I love them. If I haven't told you, I'm glad they have you in their lives. I have to go."
"Tara, Tara, where the hell are you?" Jax's voice came through even after I pulled the phone away from my ear. I closed it and with a toss it was done. The lights flashing red and blue behind me wasn't though.
In the review mirror I seen the police officer approach my vehicle. There was nowhere to run to, it became obvious I had to face the consequences of my actions. They gave a little knock on the window to get my attention. I took in some deep breaths and put on a smile while I rolled it down.
"Yes, officer."
"Do you own this vehicle?"
"No, I borrowed it. From a friend. Actually, my friend borrowed it for me." When I started to ramble on, I knew it was time to close my mouth. My eyes stayed forward to look through the windshield while I waited for the cop to make the next move.
"You borrowed the vehicle from a friends friend, I need you to open it up for me."
"Sure."
Really I don't know why in the hell I bothered. The longer I fiddled with each key to find the one which I already knew wouldn't fit the lock, the longer I stretched out a few more moments of precious freedom. "Son of a bitch." It struck me, it was why Jax had fought so damn hard the loosing battle. He already knew he would go to prison at some point but he kept fighting to stay free. He already knew death was the final outcome of the life he lived but he kept the hope he would live those few more precious moments if he hung in there with the club. He already knew he would loose his family because of his actions but he held on as long as he could. It was exactly where I was, I held on as long as I could.
"Is there a problem?" The cop was getting impatient about the situation. He shifted his weight from foot to foot. As his hand slip up by his gun, I knew he meant business.
"I'm not sure which one it its." You won with grace and you lost with it as well. The battle was fought I played the game out to the end, this was the end of the road too. It was time to hit the surrender button. "I don't have the key."
"There are bolt cutters in my car. Don't move." Where in the hell he thought I could run to was beyond me. But I was a good girl and waited in the same spot while he went to get them out of the trunk.
Just when I thought I was jail bound. A miracle came down the street with screeching tire. Bullets flew randomly out the window as they passed us. Two badasses came to my rescue. I could almost bet the car was stolen and untraceable too.
"Shots fired." The officer was already on the radio with dispatch calling it in. He raced away to give me a chance to escape.
The key to the ignition worked just fine though as I drove down the road. I called one of them as I knew Nicole was busy driving. "I owe you one."
"You never owed me anything, Tara. It just took me a long time to realize it too."
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You reach an age where you realize. Being a man isn't about respect or strength,
it's about being aware of all the things you touch.
Jax Teller
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The time is out of joint, O' cursed spite.
I was born to set it right.
William Shakespeare
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Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
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I hope you enjoyed reading me!
Please forward to the next chapter...
If one of you tells me you watched Good Girls because you read them in this story, it will make my day.
The Jax/Tara one shot turned in to a full story. I will post more soon. If you read 69 Ways to Love. Let me know what you think because it's all about the love...