Chapter 51
Angels and Outlaws
Part 15 of 16
Chapters 49, 50 and 51 have been posted. Make sure to read them all.
Death was not the result of life, it was part of it. The cycle spun around for as long as man could remember. The brutal fact was we all died eventually. The goal wasn't to live forever. Just make sure we created something that would. It was how you were remembered and not forgotten. In the end, life and death were one. We lived, we died and everything else was a delusion of our own making.
"Help me."
"We have to call 911."
"We can't. They will see Jax was shot here, in the basement tied up. We can't." Nicole finally nodded in agreement. Yet we still had bigger problems to overcome.
"What the hell are you doing?"
I'm certain it looked strange to Nicole the fact I was tying a rope around Jax's chest. To me it made perfect sense. "The rope will keep pressure on the wound, so he doesn't bleed out while we get him upstairs."
Now, how could we master that? She and & I weren't strong enough to lift him and if we dragged him, it could cause more damage. "The kids wagon."
"Are you nuts, girlfriend?"
"Apparently so." As I tossed shit out of the way to get to it. The boys hadn't played with the old red Radio Flyer wagon for years. It wasn't a perfect solution, although, I had no other.
It was lined with as many blankets as I could stuff in it. I also changed the blood soaked baby clothes I stuffed in Jax's chest before we began to maneuver him up the stairs. Every road I had taken lately, was bumpy, nothing ran smoothly. Today was no different. We tugged, we pushed, we pulled, we finally made it to the top.
Nicole went to pull my car up to the porch. I somehow manged to get the wagon there to meet her. Once we had him loaded up, she drove like hell to get him to the hospital. With his head in my lap, I put pressure on the wound with one hand and held on to his other.
There were fluttering movements his eyes would open, then go back to closed. "We are going to get you to the hospital. Just breathe, Jax. Take slow, short breaths. Hold on."
When they stayed opened long enough to stare in my eyes, I was the first to blink and not Jax. "If I don't make it. I'm sorry for everything. I thought I was suppose to come here to save you but you saved me." It took everything he had to get that out. I squeezed his hand even tighter to let him know I was here and it was alright.
"Save your strength. You're going to make it. You'll be fine."
"No. I'm not. You are the only one who will survivor this just as it is suppose to be. The tragic ending was our love and the death, is mine. I never stopped loving you. Tell them I love them. You have to..."
"You will be fine and can tell the kids you love them yourself."
Jax was to the point now, his voice was only above a whisper. "Listen to me, it's the kid. They will leave if she tells them to. She's the key..." The blood began to pool at the side of Jax's mouth and it kept trickling out. He was bleeding internally and I had no way to stop it. I had no way to slow it down or to stop his pain. The more I tried to wipe the blood away, the quicker it flowed.
The gurgles in his throat turned to a gasp for air. His body went in to cardiac arrest. When he let go of my hand as his went limp and lifeless, I still hung on to him. I clutched on to him as I had all those years ago.
But I went into doctor mode to save Jax's life. I ripped the hole already made in his shirt and started CPR. "Stay with me dammit." From the floorboard on my knees, I kept doing chest compressions. I kept trying to blow life in him with my own breath. I kept praying he would come back to me.
The wheels were burning the rubber off of them, as Nicole rounded the corner to the hospital. After I was thrown around, I grabbed my head, it was smashed in the door. "I'm fine, just worry about him."
Three of them lifted Jax out and placed him on a gurney. The doctor performed CPR on the sidewalk and blew automated air into his lungs. They had covered his face with a mask as the doctor continued to try to save his life. There were only minutes left to get him to breathe or get him entirely hooked up to a machine. It was a mad dash to get the patient inside.
So many times I'd walked through those double hospital doors lately. It was strange when you woke up from a horrible dream, the nightmares which would continue haunt you. And shit was still bad when you were wide awake. His blood stained my hands and my fingers were the guilty party as it dripped from them. In a attempt to rid my guilty, I tried to wipe them off on my shirt but the blood had already harden and attached itself to me. The scarlet color on my hands had turned brown, just like my heart had turned once upon time.
But I knew this all landed on me. Jax had received the punishment for my sins. My lips were full of lies and nothing but pure sin. My tongue had muttered wicked things until I had turned wicked. With blood, came life. Without it, came death.
It startled me with the abrupt landing. I never made it to the door before the crow came, came to take him away. "No. He doesn't deserve this. This is my fault not his." The piercing caw scratched at my soul when I ignored it. "Not this time." I turned my back on the coal black bird. It wouldn't get what it longed for if I had anything to say about it.
There was nothing but silence heard in the middle of the hustle and bustle going on around me. The formed path of bones, dead leaves and chaos was spread out but I couldn't tell where it led to. It all just faded into twilight, the mixture of grey with the that mighty hint of black was coming on. As I continued forward, a glint of white light caught my attention off to the side and what followed was another sickly caw. A bird with grievous eyes and ink stained wings, seemed to float over to me with the swift movement of a wing. The perfect circle which couldn't be broken. I walked forward past the crow trying to ignore it to the best of my ability. But I could still feel it boring it's eyes into my back as if it knew I wouldn't leave this dark place.
As quickly as it appeared, it disappeared. This wasn't the pattern of the crow at all. It stayed until it received what it came for. Maybe I just thought I seen it. Maybe my mind was playing trick on me. Maybe I was loosing it.
"Come on." Nicole took me by the arm. I don't even know how much time had passed before she came back out to get me.
The nurse needed Jax's medical history. I done my best to write it down. Except it just looked like squiggle lines on the page. Nicole finally took over for me. She asked me the questions then finished his paperwork.
"Girlfriend." Nicole was snapping her fingers in front of my face. "Are you still in there?"
"What?"
"Lets get cleaned up."
A kind nurse had given Nicole soap and clean scrubs. She had blood on her too. I had news for her, there was nothing we could do cleanse away Jax's blood. It would be worn forever by us. Yet I still followed after her to the shower area they said we could use.
"You have to help me a little here." After she took my shirt off for me, I felt like a child being undressed by a loving mother. What I had done countless times with my own children. My body just couldn't drudge on and get the clothes off. Perhaps this was my scarlet letter across my chest and I knew I was justified to wear it. She even started the water for me. In only a bra and pair of panties I was given a little shove to get in it.
As the bottom of the shower turned to red. I trembled in the hot water, the color stood for so much; passion, rage, beating hearts, hungry lips, roses, shame, cherries, broken hearts. It was the beginning of life and it's violent end.
With the heaviness of a bloody heart, I collapsed my tired body to the tiles. With drenched hair hanging down, it was no comparison to the drenched, drowning feeling I had. With red fingers intertwined, they were numb. I wasn't certain I contained any feeling anymore. The vigorous scrubbing of them done nothing. The skin crawled as the red color only molted to them. My hands were blood drenched too.
"No, I have to stay strong."
Strength wasn't always what you had. It was sometimes, what you done. This was what I had to have for his sake...for my children's sake. Once the water was turned off, I had turned off all emotions, all the things I was taught and all the voices shouting at me. They told me what the right thing was but it was bad things which had to be done. Be the horrible person to make it right. Even when I looked in the mirror as I put my hair up, the reflection staring at me with pleading eyes, had no influence on those decisions anymore.
But the chaos wouldn't ease up for a single moment. The police were already called by the hospital. I couldn't blame them, they were just following protocol. "I'll handle it."
Handled it to the best of my criminal capabilities. The officer didn't doubt a word of the story I made up. Jax's wallet was missing when I found him in the street, I knew nothing. He wrote it down without as much as raising an eyebrow. It went well, I had done well. All those years of grooming by the outlaws came in handy.
Until I seen him, the agent joined this fucking party. "I'll take it from here." He relieved the officer in the next set of questions. I ran back through what I had already stated. "Do you think Rio had something to do with it?"
The lies flowed like a fine wine out of me. It was my story and I stuck to it. I had them in perfect order to make perfect sense of the perfect crime I tried to cover up. As much as I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, the mother fucker shot Jax. I bit my tongue to bide my time. "I don't know. I didn't see anyone around." I waited to see how convincing my performance was, while the agent made a bunch of notes.
But, every good liar had a tell sign. Mine couldn't be found on my finger anymore when I reached to spin the ring. Finally I shoved my hands in my pockets to hide the shakes I had going on. The agent flipped the notebook shut and put it in his suit pocket. "I will send cars to patrol the area around your house. Until we find Rio and get answers. I think it's a good idea, Mrs. Brandon, if you're not alone. He is a dangerous man."
The agent got the head nod from me along with a slight smile. He once again gave me a card with his number on it so if I needed to reach him. "Thank you."
"Stay safe and don't take any chances."
Of course, the shit kept piling up around us. When you put one fire out, another burned hotter. You could tell David was not here on a professional capacity. It was personal with him. I couldn't exactly tell what they were saying in the waiting room. But he was sure pissed. Nicole's eyes gave it away for me, she was scared. After he blew past me without a word spoken. I joined her in the waiting room.
"David knows everything he figured it out." The frantic body motions made, the raise of her voice which cracked when she said it and her tell sign. With Nicole, when she was upset, she couldn't keep her hands from her hair. "Girlfriend, did you hear me? He knows we robbed the grocery store. They have evidence we left behind. They are going to do a DNA sample on the pen cap they found, the same pen you wrote on the envelope with. It will come back you."
"I heard you. I will worry about it after Jax comes out of surgery. It's the only thing that matters right now."
We took a moment to gather ourselves. We took a moment in silence to remember the life we once had and fucked up. We took a moment to worry about the one who was shot because of us.
"I have to go. David is waiting for me at home. Call me later."
Nicole rushed out the door. She moved so quickly I wasn't certain she even heard me. "Go fix your family."
At this point, fixing my family wasn't even a possibility. As I checked my watch, I only had a short period of time to stop them. "I need another favor. You have to keep them there for a few more days. They can't come home."
Kyle's aunt never questioned why. They were already at the airport and all ready to fly. But, my son sure as the hell had and wanted answers too. "What is going on? What are you not telling us? Why do we have to stay here?"
"Because I'm your mother and I said so." It was a card I'd tried to never play. The ole I said so even though I had done the same at some point. The tone I struck with my son as was harsh and unwarranted. "I love you, Abel. But I have to go now." He said no more, I waited for a return gesture of his love. I received none. Maybe I deserved none.
From the phone call to the reality which was staring me hard in the face. Worry often gave small, minute things a big shadow over us. Although, this was fucking huge. I could no longer just set around and just wait. As I walked the halls of the hospital, I had done it for various reasons. The respected doctor who lost it all because I done illegal things for love. The mother who would give up my own life so they could live another day because it was an unconditional love. The ex biker queen who had protected her king at all cost, which I failed this time. I was the one in the end who put Jax in here because he done it for love.
Love was the most powerful emotion. Also the most dangerous. They always said never make decisions when angry, hell, I was fucking pissed. Anger became limiting, it restricted the way you thought and how you saw it. While anger and hate was there, in front and present in your heart, you had to look at that too. But after a while, you had to look away at something else. His blood on my hands had consumed me and set me a blaze. In essence I took his life because he paid my price. At the chapel door I stood once again. I had paced this hall for over an hour while I argued with my internal self, my material instincts and my heart.
"It doesn't matter why you kill. You're still a killer. Chaos is an angel who fell in love with an outlaw. I've never known anyone like you, you are good and pure. You have to let me go, girl. So I can rest too. "
"Change won't happen quick, or without blood, but it'll happen. It has to. I'm a killer, a bad man, I know what I am. If shit goes bad, you knew nothing about it. I take the fall for it. You're my ride or die."
The angels were whispering in one ear. But the devil always answered back in my other. Although all my rationality, humanity and principals were all thrown out the window. I became the caged animal. The trap door was opened by myself. Just like a wild animal, the rage had too much power and strength to remain constrained for very long. It only fueled the need for retaliation, blood for blood, to set things right. Especially when the hunted became the hunter.
"Ride or die, Jax."
There was no denying I was the same monster I had once feared, learned to hate and ridiculed him for being. It continued to glare at me in judgement, it was already passed down and cast on me. Outward judgment often failed, inward judgment never had because it ate at your soul. I had to look away from the large gold cross in the center of the room. It was bleeding my tears.
"Forgive me, for I am about to sin."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
You keep saying you want to change things, but you keep repeating old behavior. You can't have it both ways.
Tara Knowles
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Change won't happen quick, or without blood, but it'll happen. It has to.
Jax Teller
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
*****Blood is used in Lady Macbeth's scene. The blood is a stain that will forever terrorize her.
The stain represents the guilt that cannot be lessened by washing her hand, or any psychical action.*****
Yet who would have thought, the old man to have so much blood in him.
William Shakespeare
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
For your hands are stained with blood, your fingers with guilt.
Your lips have spoken falsely, and your tongue mutters wicked things.
Isaiah 59:3
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Sometimes evil went unanswered, it tarnished and it shit on everything. Yet, sometimes, it was just muted, it laid and waited to resurface. Kyle was right, the essential point, was to have complete control over it. I seen him become hard and cold to turn around be the most loving man. He knew the right times to bring it to the surface, use only when necessary. It was a choice he made not one which ruled him.
There was no denying there was evil all around us in this world but the light would always conquer the darkness, it was what the bible taught us. The most dangerous people were not the tiny minority instigating evil acts, but those who carried out the acts for them. Kyle and Thomas died because they believed I was an arch angel who was suppose to save everyone from the darkness, the evilness. Perhaps, I was just the devil in disguise.
Nicole was on my front porch when I pulled up. Even in the dark I could tell she was having a rough night. Her tears flowed, she shed enough of them the hair around her face had stuck to her. Along with her puffy eyes, they told the story. "I won't even ask how it went with David. I'll just ask how are you doing?"
"David took his stuff and left. As long as I don't fight him for custody of Holly, he won't say anything."
It was the curse of a mother. It was choose the worst of two evils. Only there was nothing more evil than to rip a child away from her. It would rip her heart out and in the process she would never be the same again. "I won't let you lose your baby because you helped save mine."
Nicole leaned on my shoulder and just cried. I held on to her even though there weren't any words I could tell her so she would feel better. There weren't many choices she had in the matter. There weren't many options she or I had left about life. Yet there were things I could try to accomplish to set this right for her and her family. It was just another set of lives I had ruined in the process of all of this shit.
"How's Jax?"
"They finally got him through surgery. He can't breathe on his own, they put him on a ventilator machine. He is stable at moment. I'm going back to the hospital in the morning." Nicole was at that place too. At a loss for words to say. At a loss of what must be done next. At a loss of where to turn to. At a loss of life as we once knew it. "I think we earned a drink." It was all I could come up with to say for now.
The good crystal glasses came down from the top self. I hadn't used them since Kyle had been gone. Only one glass wouldn't do much for us. I found a pitcher, the bottle of Champagne in the frig I bought for when Ellie graduated, orange liquor and fresh strawberries. I crushed some of the fruit and sliced up the rest. Dropped them in pitcher and went back to the frig. As soon as I pushed the ice cube maker, I thought of Abel and Alex. They thought that damn thing was magical.
With a blanket, a box of Kleenex and our drinks in hand I joined Nicole on the porch. In my rocking chair I could normally pretend all was right with the world. But tonight, there was nothing that could right it. I finished my beverage. Then I noticed Nicole was staring at the stars, probably wishing it was different on them as well.
"I need to get some stuff done. Why don't you stay here with me tonight. Enjoy how beautiful it is out here."
"What if Rio comes back?"
"He won't. He satisfied his need for retaliation and blood. To him, that debt is paid. Until tomorrow when he comes at me again to get his money back."
Only it was a gold paved two way street. My need for it still had to be appeased. Vengeance, retaliation, retribution, revenge were very deceitful brothers in relation. The vile demons promised a justifiable compensation to a pained soul for their losses. Yet in truth what was stronger than lover's love was a lover's hate. Incurable, in each way, the wounds they made.
There wasn't time for me to stand around and think of hate. Especially since I had to clean up the ruminates of evidence from the shooting. Agent Turner could show up at my door tomorrow as a followup on Jax or to arrest me. Either way, this mess had to get cleaned up. It was a grueling task too with the strong smell of bleach. Along with the weakness I felt from it.
A long stretch of my back and body was in order after crawling around on the concrete floor on my hands and knees. Once I made certain every ounce of it was shoved in a trash bag, I tossed the rubber gloves I had on in there as well.
Once again, I stood before the barque grill to burn the verification of what transpired here today. The proof would be gone but the memory would linger on. I saturated the shit out of the plastic bag with lighter fluid. When the match lit, the fire inside me had too. Only my rage was still going even with the fire almost burnt out.
But for now, it was on to try to heal and console Nicole. I put on water to boil for tea. Then I ran the tub for her. It was what I always turned to for the feel of comfort.
"Do you think it will help the pain?"
"No. But if it gives you some relief even for a few moments, then it's worth it." I laid clean towels out for before I shut the door. To give her some privacy.
By the time she was done. I had cups out waiting for us on the table. We drank our hot tea in silence. We both had a full plate of shit sandwiches to digest. Yet there were certain thing that needed to be addressed. The plan was laid out for her.
"Sure. I've seen David do it a thousand times. I can do it." When she mentioned his name, I knew by the look on her face. I'd been there, done that shit.
"We should try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day." Of course it was easier said than to close my eyes without seeing nightmares. I surrender to the fact if I slept or not truly didn't matter. I set in Kyle's rocking chair with the gun in my lap. Just in case I was wrong about Rio and he decided to pay us a visit in the dark of the night.
Although I was right back to where I began all those long years ago, in a rocking chair worried about the evil coming for my family. Worried they wouldn't have a happy and chaos free childhood, now in adulthood as well. Worried when the time came, I wouldn't have what it took to pull the trigger.
However, there was a another question which begged to be asked this time around. How does a woman plunge down the rabbit hole straight into chaos and come out of it unscathed, unscratched and untouched forever? The answer was simple; I wouldn't and I wouldn't ever be the same again. In a cosmic way this all made sense. It all came around.
The doubts were put aside when morning came. It was on to the plan which had to be carried out now. There couldn't be any regrets from it. There couldn't be remorse when it went down. There couldn't be anything to stop me from it.
As a mother, I had to make certain very single detail was in place. I was greeted with a smile from her. She set behind her desk and acted professional. I remembered once a upon a time when I was a professional as well. I checked in and went to wait for my turn.
Only my mind would not settle down. It was in overdrive. Most of my thoughts were tiny flashes of the life I had, once knew and the ones I loved. But Jax put his in the path of death to help me and my mind always went back to him.
"You're a criminal now just like me. You got no friends. You can't trust anyone and you got nobody to rely on but yourself. Out here, you do exactly what I say. If you do it, you might not go to prison or die. Get your head straight."
"I know what I am too."
The receptionist lifted her head up from her desk. It was the look she gave me over the top of her glasses told me she heard what I said. Since we were the only two people in the room, she probably thought I was crazy. But probably not as much as I thought I was.
Immediately my eyes were diverted back to the magazine I was flipping through. I didn't even want to look up at her again until she called my name for my turn. But patients weren't there for me today. So I grabbed a cup of coffee and paced around.
"Excuse me, how much longer do you think it will be?" I went against my better judgement and addressed her anyway.
"Mr. Braun is still with a client. I'm sure he will done shortly."
Once the door opened up, I didn't wait for her to do her job and tell me I could see him. I was running out of time and this shit had to get done.
"Mrs. Brandon, you said it was urgent over the phone."
"I appreciate you seeing me on such a short notice. I need papers drawn up for my estate by the end of today. Everything I own needs to go to Nicole, who is already in my will, and Jackson Teller. Also I want my one of my insurance policies to be divided equally among my children. My children are also to receive these from me." The envelopes were taken out of my purse. Each had their own. I put Donna's cross I wore around my neck in the one marked for Ellie. My wedding ring went to Alex. I sealed them all and laid them on his desk. "Can you bill my estate for the rest of the expense?" I gave him every dollar I had on me.
"I'm afraid we require payment at the time of service. We can't..." He stopped in mid sentence and stared at me for a long time. "It will be fine."
"Thank you. Call me when the papers are ready for me to sign?"
"My receptionist will call you. Don't you want a receipt?"
"I don't need one. Please make sure my children get those."
Once I had a clear direction to follow and I was certain my children were taking care of. It was time for me to set it motion. Being a good criminal or outlaw took a lot of patients, due diligent actions. So, I waited for him. I read the paper, had a couple cups of coffee. Until his big fancy car pulled up. His office had printed out his schedule for the day, it was public knowledge. He was here to deliver a speech at the event, I was here to deliver some bad news to him.
"Senator Cash." I wasn't exactly yelling his name but I was above an inside voice.
Immediately, I had one of his security detail in my face. "Do you want to take your hand off me now? I found something I believe belongs to the senator."
The senator waived away the security. "What do you have of mine?"
"Enough evidence for you to do life in prison. I will cheerfully return it in exchange for something I want."
"Do you know what happens when someone threatens me?"
"Actually, I don't. So, why don't you tell us all what you will do to me." This was announced by me on the steps up to the place the senator was going. I wanted to draw attention to us, I wanted him to be foolish enough to try something. His image had to stay clean to the public. He used his son for all the dirty work.
"Keep your voice down. What do you want?"
"Your son."
We came to an understanding. Not that I trusted him because he shouldn't believe a criminal's word either. A man like him had no integrity the moment he involved his son in his illegal conspiracy, at least I had that still on my side. The way I seen it, he didn't have many choices either. The rich bought their justice and the rest of us were subject to it. But, on those rare occasions, we weren't.
"How did you know he would call Rio?"
"Because it is exactly what Jax would have done." The truth was, I never had any intention on keeping our arrangement. By the time the senator showed up tonight at the location we agreed to meet at, his son would be dead. "Can you trace the phone?"
"Of course I can. I can do anything." My wonderful Techno geek had already pinged the phone's location as soon as his father called to warn Rio. Or to hatch a plan to kill me. "All you have to do is keep this with you. As long as he has the phone, you can find him anywhere. But I have to ask, why are you doing this?"
"You stand for something or you stand for nothing. Thank you for your help."
"Come tomorrow I am reporting this lost to the United States Government. I suggest when you're done with it. Wipe off your finger prints and make sure it's lost. It has GPS and they will locate it."
"Will do."
Before I made it back to the house. My cell rang. Usually, I was thrilled to hear from them but not today. I knew what she wanted and I answered it anyway. "Tara, we need to come home. Sissy is scared. We can help you. She keeps talking about the crows, Jax, Kyle and cries all the time."
"No you can't come home. Stay where you are. I love you, Ellie. You are a strong woman and you need to be strong for the others."
Each had a plea to make with me when I talked with them. But it was futile effort. It was more for me to tell them I loved them and to say goodbye. When it came to Abel, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. He was my final child to speak with. He was my final baby to let go of. He was the final person on this earth, the final voice I'd heard of someone I loved.
"Mom, why can't we come home? We know something is wrong."
"I love you, baby. More than all the ants on the sidewalk and all the leaves on the trees. Take care of your brothers and sisters for me."
It killed me to hang up on my son. Someday, Abel would understand. I just prayed he would forgive me too. There were some things children couldn't bounce back from. Only, my children were persistent. They all took a turn calling my cellphone until I finally turned it off. I had to stay focused on the task at hand. It was for them I had done terrible things. It would be for them, I made it right.
It was on to the next person I needed to visit. I went by Nicole's house to check on our pet project. Only for it to turn to an argument. "Girlfriend, you won't make it by yourself. You need..." She never got the opportunity to finish the sentence. Before the needle went into her neck and I hit the plunger for the drug to enter her body.
Since rationalization wouldn't work with her, I had to resort to another tactic. One of us had to live to tell this story. I had fucked up her life enough. When her eyes stopped fluttering I knew she was at a peaceful rest state. I covered her up on the couch and laid the envelope next to her.
"No, you won't go with me. Please take care of my children. I am so sorry for everything. You truly are my sister."
Nicole was the perfect partner in crime. She had the bag of explosives sitting by the door, just waiting for them to explode on the bad guys. "Now, all I have to do is figure out how in the hell to use to them without blowing myself up."
There were still many accomplishment I needed to make in the next few hours. There were a lot of moving parts for this plan to work. There were both, angels and outlaws on my side, I could feel them. When I walked through the front doors. I scanned the room for him, he was my target. Or at least one of them.
As the agent poured his coffee, he greet me. "Mrs. Brandon, I'm afraid I don't have an update on the whereabouts of Rio yet."
"If you want to arrest Rio and truly serve justice. Be there at the end of the day." I handed him a piece of paper with the address written on it along with the time to show up.
"What happens at the end of the day?"
"The bad guys lose." There was nothing else I could actually tell the agent. It was up to him to act on it now. I pushed my sunglasses down over my eyes and went to do what had to be done.
"Mrs. Brandon, where exactly will you be?"
"At the end of the day, I'm going home. Maybe home is somewhere I'm going and never have been before."
Life took you to unexpected places and a world with so much pain in it. But love, it always brought you home. It allowed you to see exactly how all the dots throughout your life were connected. How just one simple decision led you to another one, then another. How just one simple twist of fate, unforeseen changes, put you exactly where you were today.
When you loved them more than anything else. It was an easy choice between loving them and breathing. I would use my last breath to tell them I loved them.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The bad guys lose.
Jax Teller
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The evil that men do. Shall not go unanswered.
William Shakespeare
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The evil man has no future; the lamp of the wicked will be put out.
Proverb 24:20
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Every time I came here I noticed more. Today, I noticed every fucking thing around me. Even the air had a different feel to it. Perhaps, it was because I had became more aware of my surrounds and took note of them. Or, perhaps, it was what memory I wanted to take with me. The large wrought iron fence at the grave yard boarder. Banged the gate as it swung freely. As I passed through the portal of death I stopped on the hill because I couldn't catch my breath. From the top of it, you had a clear view of how many were laid here to rest.
Their families took a difference approach to celebrate the lives of the ones who passed. The massive stone angels stood guard over the ones they loved. Mausoleums were built around them, to keep them protected and comfortable in the after life. The raised tombs were in place to find them easier in the sea of the dead. Or, perhaps, to make the ones they loved stand out in heaven. In every direction you looked headstones in; marble, concrete, granite, in hues of white, black and greys was what our ending became.
This was considered somewhat of a holy ground where we laid our loved ones to rest in peace even if we found none ourselves. It was truly the only place you could sob, cry in front of others and not be seen as vulnerable. They consoled you or at the minim attempted to. Their low whispers here echoed throughout the trees. Their whispered prayers circled around us. Possibly, even somewhat touched us. But what immediately caught my attention was the rustle in the soft blow of the wind, was the dried up dead flowers placed for them. It was the constant reminder, eventually no matter how beautiful it was, everything died. Unless you replaced them with fresh cut blooming buds. Death was always surrounded by more death.
It wasn't just the sites that brought me to the earth on my knees. It was the smells which was the final strike. Fresh cut grass was mingled with the newly overturned ground. Other mourners perfume and aftershave floated in the air. As the tears came it was I could taste the salt and the metallic tang of the stones. Although, I couldn't be weak and breakdown like I had the day I planted my dead husband here. I came to accomplish one thing and one thing only. I had to let Kyle go.
In front of the stone to reflect his life; Loving Father, Loving Husband and Semper Fi, . It was the code he believed in and lived by. But I found myself more lost then found. I brushed away the leaves from his plot. Those were brittle and some crushed in my hand. Hell, I was brittle and was crushed long ago.
"You know why I'm here. When you died, part of me did too. I've searched for it but never recovered that part of me. I swear I went on a self destructive path because I wanted to be with you or maybe it was because I truly didn't know what to do anymore without you. The psychiatrist I went to always told me; sit with the pain until it passes and the next time will get easier. It's so damn hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. The only that ever soothes me is when you put a smile on my face through the tears. It's what I hold on to everyday. I can't hold on to you..."
Once again I found myself in contact with the cold earth on my knees. Just like the day he was put here. I had to gather up my emotions and put them in bucket for latter on. I closed my eyes and leaned against the marker which bared his name and date of death.
"Every plan I had for my life went so unbelievably wrong."
"John Lennon said; life happens while you're busy making other plans, girl."
"He got shot."
"You gotta just live, girl. Stop making plans, just let it happen."
After the conversation with Kyle I threw out my date planner. I just let life happen for once. I was so unbelievably happy. Even on a shitty day like this was, he still made me smile.
"I have to let you go now. If love alone could have saved you, you wouldn't be gone from me." My fingers went to my lips. I cried so much they tasted salted as I placed a kiss on them. They rubbed on his headstone over his name. "I love you, boy. I'll see you soon."
From there I went to get ice cream which I paid for with loose change from the car. Although, I had no one to get a kiss from or someone who bumped their cone with mine. Slowly I enjoyed the double stacked treat and all it had to offer, the sweet flavors of salted caramel with strawberry. On the bench I just watched the world pass me by. The children came and went from the ice cream shop. Their gleeful sounds, excited faces and the aura of pure happiness. Somehow, I felt Kyle's presence, he would have liked this. Maybe it was another tell sign, I could finally let him rest. Again, I had a smile on my face.
What I had to be done next, took any brightness I experienced away. By Jax's bedside, I left a change of clothes for him. I also left the Jax bear to watch over him. "Alex loves that damn bear and she loves you too. Her eyes light up when you are around."
It wasn't until now, it hadn't donned on me. Alex was the key to Jax, she was what connected him back in our lives. If it hadn't been for the way she loved him and his kindness towards her, I wouldn't probably have been as nice to him. Her love welcomed him back in and as much as we loved her, we went along with it.
For a child, everything they done was with innocence and love. The saw the world through pure eyes, they seen people the same way. My daughter only seen the man Jax was now and so had Thomas. For children to adapt to the world around them was love, justice served was love and retaliation was more love. You taught them lessons throughout their young lives to prepare them for what would come. Yet, your children schooled you too.
"This is a struggle for me. To tell you the whole truth. But I decided you have the right to know. Not because I want to hurt you but because throughout this ordeal, it is out of respect. I can't expect total transparency from you when I didn't give it to you either. In a lot of ways, I still love you, Jax. The young carefree girl inside me, probably always will." Other than Abel, I allowed no one to know my most inner thoughts or how I felt when I was a part of Jax and the Sons world. "Every good queen protects her king." Those were words I once upon a time lived for and now lived with.
Beside Jax's bed I left my manuscript of the time I was the biker queen, the college paper I wrote about crows and my mothers bible. "I've carried her with me and tried to use it to make sense out of all this shit. I never did. So, I am giving it you now. Maybe you can put it to good use. You have been wonderful to Alex. I just wish you had been the same man with our boys when they were little. Maybe you still can be to them a father they love and look up to. Give it time after I'm gone and don't give up on them. No matter how difficult it gets, hold on to them and don't ever let go."
One last time I opened her bible, I had earmarked some of my favorite passages. "John 14:27, Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. I'm not afraid anymore, Jax. I think I finally found peace with all of this. I want you to as well. Sometimes you have to fall before you can fly." I brushed the hair from his face. Then wiped away my own tears.
For the next hour I just set by Jax's bed and looked at him. I relived many years in my mind we shared. The focus was on the good times. Those times when I was absolutely, completely, was in love with the man before me. When I loved him more than myself. It was theses kind of moments which the past fights, trials and heartbreak wasn't as bad as what laid out to come in the future.
Unfortunately, the clock ticked the minutes by quickly. Time was up for me. This was where I had to say goodbye to Jax so I gave him a kiss on the forehead. "I'll die for your sins, if you live for mine.".
Before I done the dirty deed. I caught Jax's nurse on the way out. "I need to update Jax's emergency contact information."
"Who do you want to add?"
"Put down Ellie Winston and Abel Teller."
"There can only be two contacts."
"I know, please put them on there." She followed my instructions. After I gave her their phones numbers.
Then I went to fix another problem I created. He wasn't very happy to see me and I couldn't blame him for it either.
"I don't want to talk about Nicole. I don't know who she is anymore."
"I'm not here to talk about her. I am here to make you a hero." It interested David enough to hear me out.
"You will need to be at the address on the paper at midnight. Give this to Agent Turner, he'll know what to do with it." The flash drive was in proper hands now. Next came the hardest part. I hit the button on the pocket recorder I brought with me. "This is Dr. Tara Knowles. I robbed a grocery store for the money to save my son's life. I acted alone except for the help from a homeless woman. I gave her a few hundred dollars for it. I don't know her name and I haven't seen her since."
David reached over an turned it off. "That is a lie. Nicole is a criminal and done this too. She risked our family and our kid's lives."
"Is it? The truth is the perception of the one telling the story. Nicole done it because of love. I'm taking full responsibility for it because of love. She is a good mom to her children, you can't fault her on it. I've been exactly where you are and I've been exactly where she is. Nothing matters except for the well being of your children and love. Love will conquer all even when you think all is lost."
Before I gave David a chance to respond. I finished my confession. It was my story, my truth and my sin. Nicole should have never been involved in the first place. But she had a big heart just like her brother. I was willing to go to prison for the rest of my life to save my son. It was a decision I had made, I stuck by and only I would suffer the consequences of my action.
"You should go to Nicole. She's at my house and she needs you, my children will need you. You say you don't know who she is. But, if you look in your heart, I bet you do. I used to feel the same way about Jax. When I look in the mirror, I see him in myself."
"Tara, what the hell are you doing?"
"The right thing. Go fix your family."
Sometimes, you patched up the riff torn in time. Other times, the riff had to heal on it's own accord. They would work out how it was suppose to turn out. I had became a huge believer in fate. Love was our true destiny. We couldn't find the meaning of life by ourselves alone, we found it when we were connected to another. Whatever good or horrible fortune we encountered along the way gave meaning and transformed into something of value. It was especially true when I looked at Jax now.
Jax stayed on my mind as I drove. I followed along with the locating machine's beep. It was almost in rhythm of the machine which kept him alive. Why was I not surprised to see the remote, out of the public eye location Rio's new hideout crib was at. I laughed a little actual. I strung some outlaw slang words together to make sentences too.
Yet, there were a difference between a blatant criminal and an outlaw. Honestly until recently, I couldn't tell the difference of the two. Criminals were frequently considered victims of the cause, victims to the rule of law. Where outlaws never were because they made up their own rules. Criminals floated among society's confines, lived among them with the hope of not being detected. Rio and his father were the perfect example of it. The senator was portrayed as an upstanding citizen in the public eye, while he was a criminal in the quiet of the night. All the while society was unaware of his activities.
However, the outlaws, went beyond society, lived beyond the law. They never lived by the rules or even pretended to. They never fitted in with the world. They created their own world which fit them. It was why unless you were one of them, you couldn't conform to their way of life or understand them. But I was starting to. Maybe for the first time, I was one of them.
"Well, enough of that. I got some shit to blow up."
Just at the edge of the property I placed the detonators Nicole prepared for this party. I also placed the tracking device still turned on away from where I placed the bombs. Someone would find this massacre tomorrow. With some deep breaths I placed myself on the far side it. I said a prayer before I pushed the button. But nothing happened. "Well, shit." I pushed the button again.
"Jesus Christ." I took cover on the ground. The firework show began on the ground and went in the sky. The sparks could be seen for miles. It also got their attention as they scattered in the night to defend their land, their hideout and their king. It was one similarity I could always count on no matter if it was the outlaws or the criminals. Their king was defended until all their deaths occurred.
But death was surrounding me, it circled in, it would eventually engulf me. Even it had a tell sign, when the group of crows gathered in rest on the branches. They held true to their name as a flock, murder. They invited to come join the murder. The most beautiful black bird came which stood alone; he was calling me, it sang it out loud with bells, come join the murder. He burned me with his eyes of gold to embers. He saw all my sins. He read my soul.
As it continued to speak to me. Just come and fly with black. We'll give you freedom from the human trap. You'll touch the hand of God with us. You just soar to heaven on my wings. There was a blanket made of woven shadows which leads you straight to heaven.
"Hello old friend. I'm almost ready."
It was now or it was never. I had the comfort if I didn't succeed on this mission, Rio and his father would still be indited on criminal charges. It wasn't the justice Rio should be served, I was here for it. But I proceed with caution. There would be one or two point men left to protect him. I wasn't a fool to believe he was left alone. Since neither Nicole or I could stand toe to toe in a fight with a man and win. I came up with something to give us an edge.
"If the mother fucker can't breathe. The mother fucker can't fight."
"Just breathe, girl. The rest will work itself out."
It was screamed in my head continuously, the angels and outlaws were telling me it was alright. It was probably why I concocted a special cocktail mixture. The guy was pacing on edge, he was the unlucky one left to protect Rio. "Hey." From the shadows I stepped out and when he turned around I threw the white powder in his face. Not only could he not see from it, it was strong enough to take his breath away. "It's lessons they both taught me." Then I gave him a dose with a needle of sleepy time medication he would never wake up from.
When the toilet flushed, it was my only chance. Before I went through the door, I envisioned all the evil flowing back to the world from their buried boxes at this moment if I failed. I was fucking Pandora. But, I got over that shit fast. Whatever transpired by the time I walked through it, made me very calm and reassured me about what I was doing.
"I bet you're surprised to see me."
By the way he was still zipping up his pants, he really was. "How's your old man doing? I heard he got shot." He played it off as nothing. As he picked up his beer and took a big swig from it. He was so arrogant when he propped up his foot on the coffee table. It was a stance of authority, which he had none at the moment.
"Better than you are." It really didn't mean anything what I said back to him. Yet, if I hadn't wanted to kill him before, it was just another reason to. "I wouldn't do that." Rio moved towards the gun at the end of the couch. As I grabbed it up, I gave him a smile, the same fucking smile he had on his face when he shot Jax.
"It didn't have to go down like this, Doc. You should never came at me or betrayed me. I didn't want to kill you but now I gotta."
"But that's all there is. One of us has to die. You can't leave collateral damage alive and I can't live looking over my shoulder."
"When my boys hear the gunshot, they will rush in here and kill you. You will never make it out of here alive. Someone who wears my ink will cut your fucking heart out."
Rio reminded me of the one I was here to avenge, the man Jackson Teller once was. But Jax had a chance now at a better life if he pulled through, it was in the hands of the angels to determine his. As God as witness to the sin, I would determine Rio's outcome.
For me, I'd lived it all in a bubble. The biker queen who'd protected her king at all cost. The good doctor who wanted to save the world. The mother who had saved her children from this kind of life. And I'd do it all over again.
"You will already be dead and back in hell where you belong by then. So, I'm good with it." When those words escaped my lips, I laid all my burdens down. I laid it all on the line. I laid down my life for those I loved. Actually, I felt so free for the first time. Soaring through this experience with the angels, outlaws and crows.
"You aren't gonna kill me. You don't got what it takes to be a cold merciless killer."
"When I was in medical school, they taught me exactly what to do and not do to the human body. For every way I know how to save a life, I know how to take one and inflict so much pain. I don't need a gun to kill you. Just ask your dead bodyguard in there."
"You're not gonna shoot unarmed man, are you? You're better than that, doc."
"Did you give Jax a chance before you shot him? No, you didn't. You have to pay for that sin now. Isn't it what you're all about? Retaliation and blood let's see how much of a bad ass you really are. We all have fear inside us. Yours spiked high since I've been here. I can tell by your breathing, almost laboring to take in a cleansing breath all the while you pretend you are still in control. It's probably how all yours victims have felt. But that's the difference between you and Jax. He has never feared the reaper." Half way across from the couch. I laid Rio's gun on the end of the coffee table. There to was no way in hell he could get to it before I killed him and he knew it too. "I don't want you to think I'm unfair. So, here's your gun."
"I still don't think you got what it takes to pull the trigger. You're not evil enough."
"Let's find out." Rio only laughed at me. He was not taking me serious. Or perhaps, this was his way of facing the reaper for his sins. "You have until I count to three to go for the gun, then I'll kill you anyway. Don't die a pussy."
Eye contact was more intimidating than words could ever be. I wanted him to look at me there and feel the pain he had inflicted upon others, feel their fear he instilled in them just before their death and feel hell coming for him.
Sometimes you had to disconnect, to stay connected to it. I was here and I was the one who pulled the trigger as soon as Rio moved. Yet, I wasn't there and I watched myself in slow motion commenting the act of taking another s life. It was relief I felt. Under certain circumstances, revenge provided a relief denied even to prayer. The pressure on my soul which had been there for my entire life was now gone.
"Now, we're fucking good."
With the creak sound the door made, my head snapped in it's direction. A tiny gasp came from me when I seen his face come through the door. Was I dreaming? Was I delusional? Was my mind playing tricks on me or could it really be him? Something came over me, I couldn't pull the trigger. Both my hands shook and I couldn't do it. It froze me in place and it froze time. In those few seconds my attention was put on him, I broke the outlaw rule, I took my eyes off of the target. My head wasn't fully in the game.
Rio had made his way off the blood stained carpet to the coffee table. With the gun in hand, he done what he felt he had to. Those damn split seconds lately, were killing me, literally. As the bullet made an exist wound in my abdomen it wouldn't be long now. Before my weak and tired body collapsed on the floor, I squeezed the trigger at close range to Rio's head. If I was going to hell, he was going there with me.
Plain cold had taken over what I felt. As the fresh crimson blood gushed from me. I was finally capable of moving my hand to the spot, while my body shivered like an earth quake, to cover the bullet hole in my stomach. I was still coherent enough to know I would bleed out if I done nothing. But what surrounded me wouldn't come into focus any longer. The only things seen through my eyes was the grey ceiling above me. Although, it all changed so quickly.
The white lights were flickering in and out of my sight. They were coruscating with brilliant sparkle flashes on the occasion. With a dappled marked spots against the darkness of a black surface. It was partly shaded grey against the radiant glow of the white. Maybe what I had been stuck in most of my life.
"Take care of my babies." The pain made me labor to get those words out.
Suddenly around me everything was pitch black, ice felt like it coursed through my veins. Before I knew it, I was zooming down again to a familiar place, at the speed of light when I thought I was laying perfectly still and hadn't moved from the spot on the floor I was shot in. But I gradually became aware of a long, dark passage that was stretched out in front of me. Strange thoughts kept recurring in my head seeing this passage, this tunnel. It was spiraling downward and so was I. There was no way I could stop it.
"I'm not afraid." The pain couldn't make me fear it.
The start of it was meandering down its narrow path. I noticed side passages branching off to the left and right, their destinations were unknown. All of the side paths appeared the same as the main tunnel: murky and foreboding with evil. As endless in their black expansions as the main passage. Their openings seemingly invited me in from my present path. To take a sojourn, a temporary journey, within their confines.
The true struggle began when the white light broke through once more it became the prominent. It was now calling my name to come towards it, the sound in the background was sweet bells ringing. Once more it reached out to me, begged me to follow its path and don't stray away from it. The elation took me over. It was incredible. The happiest feeling burst inside me when I reached the end of the trip. I peacefully was at home, no more pain, no more sorrow. More happiness and higher spirits than I've had in a really long time. The warm sensation made me breathe a littler easier too. As I began to float, I knew I had reached my destination.
The white, purple, blue, yellow and coral flowers swayed in a unison movement in the meadow I was standing in it. On my own two feet I stood whole again. They were almost performing a beautiful dance as they were surrounding me on the ground. Up above my head appeared as clouds of paradise. Had I died when Rio shot me? Was this the promise land of the afterlife?
"I'm home." The pain was completely gone.
There were no clues of what was waiting up ahead of me. The end of the field, when I reached it, was the end of no other place to go. Endings weren't necessary bad, it was a new beginning in disguise. Supposedly the soul took nothing with them except the beauty inside it. Yet, the beautiful horizon lead my way to them.
Their barks signaled I was almost there. George and Sophia stood guard over it or maybe to make certain I didn't get lost. Across the long bridge, they were waiting for me with open arms; my mother, my father. She was still young and beautiful just like I remembered her. Then they join them, it was Opie and Donna side by side together. They seemed so happy with no sadness, no heartache. John Teller came in my view but it was him, all I could see was him. "Kyle." With his hand extended out to me, all that had to be done was for me to crossover to them.
The softness of feathers supported my body, they wrapped me up like a lost child. The warmth, I immediately felt healing heat flow through me. I was in the arms of the angels. Nothing but love engulfed me as my angels welcomed me home.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Please don't hurt me in front of the kids.
Tara Knowles
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
That's not what I want.
Jax Teller
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
But that's all there is.
Tara Knowles
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The love of heaven. Makes one heavenly.
William Shakespeare
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world,
that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
John 17:13
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I hope you enjoyed reading me!
Just one final long chapter left to go. We still have a lot going on; Jax, Tara, the kids and don't forget about the crows.
A couple more facts I will share about the crows. The warrior goddess, Morgan, often appears in the form of a crow or raven or is seen accompanied by a group of them. Typically, these birds appear in groups of three, and they are seen as a sign that the Morgan is watching - or possibly the soul it carry's is getting ready to pay someone a visit. That is the reason John, Opie and Donna appeared together as crows in this story.
A group of crows are referred to as "Murder". The song they used in Sons of Anarchy; Come Join the Murder by White Buffalo. Which played at the end of the show and some of the lyrics are in this chapter.
It makes me sad this will be over because I truly enjoyed writing it. But, I also am ready to put this to rest. Do not just read the words in the chapters, hear what the characters are actually telling you. In essence isn't this exactly what it took for Tara to stand by Jackson as his queen. In essence isn't Jax the kind of man Tara longed for him to become.
How do you think it will end?
Thank you for staying with this!