A/N: Thanks for your reviews.
There are things mentioned in this chapter that are mentioned in chapter 32 of Apologize.
Chapter 10 - Fathers and Daughters
When Johanna swung open her door early Saturday afternoon and found her father standing on the other side, she momentarily froze. "Dad," she said in surprise once she had found her voice.
"What are you doing opening the door without asking who it is first?" he demanded to know. "I swear, Johanna; you don't have the sense God gave a goose."
She rolled her eyes, her hand gripping the door. "I'm sorry; let me start over," she said; stepping back and closing the door in his face.
A brisk knock sounded and she allowed herself a smile as she called out, "Who is it?"
"You're not cute, Johanna," Frank's voice called from the other side.
She jerked the door open again and stood before him. "Is something wrong?" she asked; because surely something had to be for him to be standing at her door.
"Am I not allowed to visit you?"
"You never have before." He had only ever been in her apartment once and that was only because her mother had forced him to help her move in.
"Well your brother isn't home," Frank responded; "And my friends don't seem to be around."
"What about Colleen?"
"Your sister is at home with your mother; that's why I left. I couldn't take them anymore."
Johanna nodded in understanding of his reason for being away from home and the verification that she had been his last resort.
"Are you going to let me in or am I supposed to stand here all day? I know your mother raised you to be a better hostess than this."
"Sure, Dad; come on in," she said as she stepped aside, praying that this wasn't going to be a long visit.
"All I wanted to do today is watch the ballgame," he complained as he took a seat at the far end of the sofa; his gaze falling on her television where an old Katharine Hepburn movie was playing. "But with those two in the house going on and on without end, it proved to be impossible."
Johanna picked up the remote from its resting place among her jumble of papers and files on the coffee table and handed it to him, figuring she'd rather sacrifice the movie and allow him to become engrossed in his ball game. "Can I get you anything?" she asked.
He glanced at her as he flipped the channel. "You probably only have wine, don't you?"
"I might surprise you," she stated as she padded away to the kitchen, returning a minute later and handing him a beer.
He didn't bother to thank her as he accepted it but that didn't surprise her at all. "Your mother would have a fit if she knew you drank beer. You know she thinks that's un-lady like."
"I don't drink much of it; I mainly keep it on hand for my friends. Personally, I'm partial to tequila."
"That would give her a stroke."
"That's why I don't tell her," Johanna replied. "Do you want anything else? Do you want me to make you something to eat?"
"Maybe later," he said as he focused on his game; dismissing her with his shift in attention.
"Something to look forward to," Johanna mused sarcastically. Figuring he was settled for the time being, she decided to get back to the work she had strewn across her coffee table, and she settled down on the floor between it and the unoccupied end of the sofa.
"I never did understand why you always had to sit on the floor," Frank commented.
"I just feel like I have more room down here," she answered; keeping her tone neutral as she picked up her pen. He fell silent again and she breathed a sigh of relief.
She forced herself to concentrate on her work although she could feel the tension filling her at the knowledge that her father was in her home and most likely looking over her shoulder. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a breath, making herself relax and focus. It was quiet long enough for her to manage to almost forget that he was there but then he broke her concentration.
"How much longer until that damn wedding is over with?
"65 days," Johanna answered.
"Good God; there's still that many days to go!" Frank exclaimed.
She nodded. "Unfortunately."
"Do me a favor, Johanna."
"What?"
"If you ever get married; elope."
She bristled at the statement and turned her head to look at him. "Why do you have to say 'if I ever get married'?" she responded; her tone somewhat sharp. "Is it really so hard to fathom that I will get married one day?"
Frank took a sip of his beer. "Well I don't see a ring on your finger."
"That doesn't mean that there won't ever be one. I think I still have time before you all classify me as the spinster of the family."
Johanna could see the harsh remark springing to his lips and she braced herself for it but in a surprising turn, he swallowed it back. "I don't believe anyone has labeled you that but I know you get enough of this talk from your mother."
"Damn right I do," she muttered.
Frank shifted in his seat; his gaze darting to the ballgame on the screen and then back to his daughter. He wasn't quite sure why he had sought out her company; he could've gone and sat in some bar and watched the game but for some reason he had been drawn here and although his eldest girl was his usual sparing partner, he didn't really want to argue with her today; nor had he meant to jab those areas that Colleen and Naomi were leaving raw with their nagging. With that thought in mind, he figured that maybe he owed her something for accidentally treading into that area.
"If I was you, I'd be busy after work on Wednesday," he stated; breaking into her thoughts once again.
Johanna stiffened. "Why?"
"Because Colleen and Paul are coming to the house for dinner and you're going to be invited because they're bringing Paul's brother along…," he answered; leaving the sentence hang for her to drawn her own conclusions.
"You've got to be kidding me," she replied in exasperation as she dropped her pen. "Did they really think I'd like this little set up they have planned?"
"You know how your mother is once she has a bee in her bonnet."
"I wish they'd both just mind their own business and get off my back."
"Then get a back bone and tell them that," her father stated tartly. "You let them walk all over you like a damn doormat."
"Do you think I haven't?" Johanna shot back. "They just don't listen and they don't get it. I don't know why it is that because Colleen has that damn ring on her finger that it suddenly means something is wrong with me because there isn't and I don't care if the rest of you think so or not."
"Did I say there was anything wrong with you?" Frank demanded to know.
"Only every day since the day I was born."
"I meant about you being single."
"You've gotten your digs in with your comments about why you think I don't have a man in my life."
Frank took another sip of his beer and then eyed his daughter. "To tell you the truth, Johanna; I'm not all that convinced that you don't have a man in your life."
The comment made her pause; her pen hovering above the yellow legal pad that she had shifted her gaze to. Her eyes darted back to her father's face. "Why do you say that?"
"Because you're secretive."
"I am not."
"You are," he insisted. "You've always been a talker, Johanna. You haven't shut up for more than a few minutes at a time from the moment you learned your first word. You would talk about anything and everything, but you don't do that lately. Now you're quiet and you choose your words carefully and the only reason I can see for that is that you're hiding something."
"Maybe it's because I was always told that I talk too much," she replied.
Frank shook his head. "No; that's not it. This is a more recent habit. I know you, Johanna."
The words "do you?" were on the tip of her tongue but she held them back.
"Just like I know you were about to make a flippant remark about my saying that I know you," he said as he watched her face.
"I'm not hiding anything."
"Look, I don't care if you're seeing someone or not; that's your business and I don't blame you from keeping it from your mother if you are, God knows it probably wouldn't get her off your back any. I'm just saying that I don't think you lack for company as much as she and Colleen like to think."
She wasn't sure what to say to that so she opted for nothing and turned her attention back to her papers.
"Do you?" Frank pressed.
"If you're asking if I have a man stashed in the closet, then the answer is no," Johanna replied as she kept her gaze focused on her papers, signaling an end to the conversation.
As time passed silently, Frank watched Johanna from the corner of his eye as she sat with her head bent over her work. He remembered when Naomi told him that she was carrying their second child, and how she had hoped and prayed for a girl. He figured it was every woman's right to want a daughter she could fuss over and dress up in frilly dresses and teach things to like cooking and piano. They already had a son, and since he always wanted Naomi to be happy, he prayed in earnest that her wish would be granted; after all, there could always be another boy later on. Johanna had arrived two weeks late and during a blizzard that had stranded Naomi at her parents home in Brooklyn. His daughter was already two days old when he finally got to lay eyes on her but he had been happy that their prayers for a healthy baby girl had been granted. When his mother-in-law placed that small, pink bundle in his arms, he had thought that things were perfect. He had a successful business, a beautiful wife, a handsome son, and a pretty little girl…it had all gone according to plan… and then his daughter had opened her eyes...and things weren't all that perfect anymore.
When he looked at Johanna head on, he could mainly focus on the resemblance she bore to his wife. She was Naomi's height and build; their hands were of the same structure and moved with the same air of grace. She had her nose, the shape of her mouth and her smile…he just wished that she had Naomi's eyes instead of his mother's. In profile, as she was now, she bore a strong resemblance to another woman, one he would rather not think about it.
His mother wasn't only present in those green eyes and the long inky lashes that framed them. She was there in that dark brown hair and creamy complexion. Sarah Riley McKenzie was written in the curve of her granddaughter's face and the graceful slope of her neck when she tilted her head to the side, as his mother often had. She was alive and well in Johanna's spirit and it drove him crazy…just like it drove him crazy that Naomi had pulled a fast one and bestowed his mother's middle name upon their child. The last thing he needed in his life was another Sarah Johanna Riley McKenzie. He had taken great pains to keep her memory locked in the deep recesses of his mind, at times managing to forget her completely…until his daughter had looked up at him with those damn green eyes.
Sarah's voice was a distant memory to him as she had died when he was eight but sometimes when Johanna said certain words or spoke in a certain tone, those old memories would break through the barrier, carrying those vestiges of long held pain. Even her laugh seemed to carry the musical lilt that his mother's had. He knew it wasn't Johanna's fault that she had inherited her grandmother's traits and looks…but still he punished her for it. He had tried, and on some occasions, still tried to drive the spirit of Sarah McKenzie from his child's personality but she stubbornly refused to let go; haunting him every time he looked into that pair of green eyes…eyes that were always so expressive and betrayed her thoughts and feelings…and when Johanna looked at him, her eyes never held the love they did when she looked at Naomi. When she looked at him, he saw only hurt, betrayal and questions…questions he wouldn't answer. Love didn't seem to linger in their depths when she looked at him.
He didn't blame her for that and it didn't really bother him. He didn't need her admiration or affection. He had it once, long ago when she was small but his actions had chipped away at it until it was gone. Frank frowned; she had called Naomi 'mama' for a long time, still did when the mood struck, but she had stopped calling him 'daddy' when she was six. The year 1957 hadn't been good between him and his eldest girl, he recalled…apparently he had made himself abundantly clear when she was six and the line in the sand between them had been drawn. One incident in particular always stood out in his memory. It had been a spring day, Frankie was sick and staying home from school and Naomi was sick as well, leaving him with the task of walking Johanna to school. He could still see her as she had been that day, dressed in a white blouse with little puffed sleeves and a red corduroy jumper; her favorite black patent leather Mary Jane's on her feet and a red bow that Naomi had placed in her dark curls.
Frank ushered Johanna out the door, knowing if he didn't hurry her along that she'd dawdle and he didn't have time for that. She reached for his hand when they reached the sidewalk and he pulled his hand away from her grasp, causing her to look up at him with accusing eyes.
"Mama holds my hand," she stated. "She says I'm supposed to hold a grownup's hand when I'm walking in the street so I don't get hurt."
"You're a big girl, Johanna," Frank responded tartly. "You don't need someone holding on to your hand while you walk; if you watch where you're going, you won't get hurt. Now you walk beside me and act like a little lady."
His daughter bit into her lip, her expression looking wounded. "Stop biting your lip; it makes you look like a baby," he told her.
She ceased the annoyance, falling silent as she walked next to him; which he was grateful for. He had figured that she'd talk his ear off the whole way. They stopped at the corner and he looked down at her. "We're going to cross the street now; look both ways, if there are no cars coming; then it's safe for you to go."
She nodded; following his example and then stepping off the sidewalk and following him across. The school came into view minutes after crossing over and she paused in her tracks, seemingly watching the other little girls her age holding the hand of a parent as they were escorted to the building.
"Come on, Johanna," he demanded. "I have to go to work."
His little girl looked up at him, a stubborn set to her jaw, looking every inch like a temperamental McKenzie; and her eyes seemed to convey the thought that something inside had broken in some way and it startled him a little but he brushed it aside.
"I'll go the rest of the way by myself," Johanna stated.
He studied her for a moment, seeing the glitter of determination in her eyes. "Are you sure you want to do that?"
She nodded. "I'm a big girl."
He felt like his six year old had just slapped his words back in his face and he didn't see how he could respond to that statement without retracting the words he had spoken earlier, but it didn't seem to matter as she didn't bother to wait for his permission. She merely set off on her own without so much as a goodbye. Frank stood rooted in place, watching as his little lady walked the remaining distance with her back straight and her head held high. He watched until she disappeared into the school, not even bothering to turn to see if he was still there.
When she had returned home from school that day, she had addressed him as 'Dad' the term 'Daddy' seemingly eliminated from her vocabulary. She knew her place and she stayed in it. She never climbed into his lap uninvited like Colleen often did; she only came to him for help with her homework as a last resort. He took the belt to her when she was ten and had punched her brother in the eye; but she had refused to cry in front of him after she took the punishment. She ran away at twelve; at fifteen he had slapped her across her face for back talking him one too many times; at sixteen he had caught her sneaking back into the house at 4:30 in the morning. She had given them trouble every now and then but not nearly as much as Frankie and thankfully she wasn't as flighty as Colleen.
Overall, she was a good girl, Frank thought. She was a bit foolish at times and she tended to think with her heart instead of her head…but she was a good girl. He watched as she turned the pages of a law book, her eyes scanning the passage she had been seeking before picking up her pen and making a note. Pride filled him; all of his children had done well. Frankie had his business degree; Colleen had her degree in design; and with her penchant for bad taste, he considered that a miracle; but it was Johanna's law degree that he was most proud of. He took immense enjoyment in telling people that his eldest girl was a lawyer; he did his best to keep track of her successes so that he could brag of her statistics. Her success was not only a source of pride but a useful business tactic for him as well. No one wanted to tangle too much with a man who had a lawyer in the family, he thought with a smile. Her education was well worth the money he had spent on it. She was good at what she did and for all he knew, he might have to make use of her expertise one day so really her degree benefited them both.
She didn't know that he bragged about her and she never would. That would fall under the category of coddling her and God knew that Naomi did that enough for both of them. Too much coddling would make her weak. Johanna was already needy as it was. She had a tendency to be dramatic; sometimes she lacked sense and she had an attitude. When she wasn't unleashing her attitude upon him, he didn't mind it so much. He figured it would serve her well out there in the world. She had strength, unlike her younger sister. Colleen would whimper and sulk; Johanna would rage and fight. Johanna had his temper and his drive; she could take care of herself. She knew how to survive. Colleen on the other hand was better off having a keeper.
He loved Johanna in his own way…he just didn't want to love her too much. It was wrong, he knew that and sometimes he wondered if maybe Naomi was right. Maybe he should show her more affection, maybe he should tell her once in awhile that he was proud of her…or even that he loved her…but he couldn't. It would be easier if she didn't remind him so much of his mother; but she did and he couldn't help but hold that against her.
Frank shifted awkwardly. Pondering his feelings about his middle child always left him with a sense of unease and the need to get her out of sight long enough for him to put those feelings back in the box they belonged in. "Josie, go make me a sandwich," he stated.
"Josie?" Johanna thought to herself; how long had it been since she had heard that nickname? She rose to do his bidding without much thought, stunned by the usage. Usually she was only Josie when he had had too much to drink or was unusually happy. She thought about asking him if he was alright, but bit back the urge. If he was dying, she didn't want to know.
She carried the plate into the living room and handed it to him and then returned to her place in front of her work.
"Colleen's found another dress shop that sells bridesmaids dresses," Frank announced after several minutes had passed.
She cringed at the thought while she forced herself not to smack her head off the coffee table. "When is she planning on springing this good news on me?"
"At dinner on Wednesday. She figures you can go with her Saturday."
"It's a good thing I won't be at dinner on Wednesday then."
"She won't let you off the hook that easily," Frank commented. "You know how Colleen is; she's like a dog with a bone, she'll just call you."
"She can call all she wants," Johanna replied. "I've made an art form out of dodging her calls."
"How do you know it's her?"
"I've established a system with my friends for when I'm avoiding unwanted phone calls; I just tell them when it's in play."
"What's the system?"
She eyed her father warily; if he knew her system, he could easily pass the information along to her mother.
"I'm not going to tell!" Frank exclaimed as if he had read her mind.
She figured she could tell him a variation of her system without divulging the actual code. "If a friend is calling, they let the phone ring twice, hang up and then call right back."
Her father actually smiled. "That's actually kind of clever."
"I have my moments now and then," she replied; just like the one she just had. The real system was for one ring; if any two ring calls came in, she'd know to avoid them. "Does Colleen have any other surprises in store for me?"
"I heard her tell your mother that you're going to wear what she says or else."
"Or else what?" Johanna laughed. "Surely she doesn't think she can take me on. She'd start crying as soon as I drew my fist back."
"She'll probably just sic your mother on you as usual."
"That's harder to contend with," she muttered.
"It wouldn't be if you put your foot down. You don't mind shooting your mouth off to me; I don't see why you can't do it to your mother once in awhile."
"Because she loves me," Johanna thought to herself. "You always tell me to leave my attitude at the door."
"I'll make an exception," Frank stated. "I'd rather see your attitude then sit and watch you let them walk all over you. You have their shoe prints all up and down your back, Johanna; and I didn't raise you that way. You're a McKenzie for God's sake!"
"And McKenzie's don't get walked on," she remarked.
"You're damn right we don't! We don't get walked on; we don't back down; and we never lower our heads in shame."
"Why not?"
"Because we never have a reason to!" he bellowed.
She had a feeling that wasn't true but wisely refrained from commenting on that fact.
"Your mother and sister aren't going to break if you stand your ground and raise your voice to them."
"I don't like to purposely hurt people," Johanna replied.
"You never mind coming back at me," he stated. "You'd fight me until the moon fell out of the sky if you had a reason to."
"Yeah, well, it's different between us."
"Why?" Frank asked. "Why is it different?"
Johanna turned her head to look at him; her gaze locking upon his. "You tell me, Dad."
There it was, Frank thought; the accusation that he was at fault and silent question of why lingering in her eyes.
"Probably because you're like your grandfather; he's always looking to pick a fight over any little thing," he replied; figuring a lie was better than the truth.
"I suppose that is the way of the McKenzie's," she replied; not really believing his answer. "I thought about stopping in and seeing Grandpa the other day but figured he'd probably prefer it if I didn't. Sometimes he doesn't seem to like me much."
"He likes you just fine," Frank stated gruffly although he knew his father had the same prejudice against Johanna as he did…although he did give the man credit for trying to ignore it whenever she was around him. Apparently Patrick McKenzie hadn't done a well enough job at it though.
"Could've fooled me," she murmured as the conversation lapsed into silence once again.
Several hours later, after dinner had been eaten, Frank McKenzie was finally taking his leave; thanks to a phone call from his wife. Johanna felt a sense of relief wrap around her as she followed him to the door. It wasn't that his visit had been a bad thing; it hadn't, but no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't relax around him. That tension stayed between her shoulders at the base of her neck. She was always waiting for the criticism or the fight. She was always preparing herself for whatever battle that might spring up…and when none presented itself, it left her feeling unsteady; as if the ground could shift beneath her feet at any moment.
She shifted awkwardly; it wasn't often they said goodbye in this kind of setting. Usually Naomi was hovering in the background to coax their goodbyes and to enforce a demand that they act like father and daughter instead of mere acquaintances. He seemed to be at a loss as well as he stood at her door, his gaze scanning her face every few seconds.
"I guess I'll see you tomorrow," Frank stated at last.
"Tomorrow?" Johanna questioned; the statement confusing her as it broke into her thoughts.
"Sunday dinner," Frank replied.
"Oh; yeah, I'll be there. I guess I lost track of the days."
He nodded; accepting her excuse as plausible instead of accusing her of being flighty or lack sense like she had expected.
"Remember what I told you," he said as he held her gaze.
"I will."
Frank studied her for a moment more as he struggled with an urge that had bubbled up within him. It was an urge he usually ignored unless Naomi was harping at him and it surprised him that it felt so overwhelming now. Maybe it came from spending time with his daughter…maybe it was just something that needed done once in awhile. With that thought in mind, he stepped towards Johanna, capturing her chin between his thumb and forefinger as he kissed her forehead before pulling her into his arms for a hug.
Something was very wrong here; Johanna thought to herself as she slowly reacted to the gesture and returned his hug. This wasn't normal behavior…this only happened when a demand had been issued on holidays and birthdays. Oh God, maybe he really was dying.
"Are you okay?" she asked hesitantly once he had released her.
Frank looked at her in puzzlement. "Of course I'm okay; why wouldn't I be?"
"No reason, you just seemed…sort of quiet today," she lied.
"Your mother and sister gave me a headache."
"I could've given you something for that. You should've said something."
Frank shrugged. "It passed. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight, Josie."
"Goodnight, Dad," she replied quietly; "Be careful getting home."
He nodded and quickly left, avoiding further discussion. She closed the door behind him, feeling even more out of sorts now than she had before. Suddenly she couldn't stand the thought of being in her apartment for another minute. She had to get away from the atmosphere and the thoughts of her father…a man she never seemed to be able to understand. She shoved her feet into a pair of shoes that was sitting near the closet and shrugged into her jacket. She'd go see Jim…Jim was a man she seemed capable of understanding. He also seemed to be the man who could always sort her out.
As Johanna exited the cab and began to walk down the sidewalk, she found Jim headed towards her.
"Are you leaving?" she asked when their eyes met.
"No; I was just going for a walk to clear my head. I've been working on that Carson case all day."
"Do you mind having company on your walk?" she asked as he paused in front of her.
He smiled. "Not if it's you. Do you need a break too?"
"Yeah," she sighed; looping her arm through his.
Jim detected something in her tone that suggested there was something else bothering her besides work. He cast a glance at her as they walked; she was dressed casually, no makeup and she was wearing flats instead of heels. That was evidence he couldn't ignore, he thought. "What's on your mind, Jo?"
She had been lost in thought and the sound of his voice startled her, making her flinch. "My father came to visit me today."
"Does he do that often?"
She scoffed. "Never. This is only the second time he's been in my apartment."
"Did you argue?" he asked.
"No."
"That's a good thing, isn't it?"
"I don't know, it was…weird."
"Weird?" Jim repeated. "How was it weird?"
"For one thing, we're rarely ever alone together, and for another, he was nice," Johanna stated.
"What's wrong with him being nice?"
She sighed; he didn't get it and she wasn't sure she could make him understand, so she fell silent. It should've been great that her father was relatively nice during his visit, but it had only left her unnerved.
"What is it, Jo?" he prodded.
"It's nothing," she replied; feeling like maybe she shouldn't have come to him after all. All of this business with her father probably only made her look foolish anyway. She should've just kept it to herself.
"It doesn't seem like nothing."
"I'm just tired I guess. I've been working on the Natally case all day. I think it might be a tough one to pull off."
"The case isn't what's bothering you," Jim replied. "It's the visit from your father...that's why you came over, isn't it?"
"Let's just forget I mentioned it. It's just me being stupid."
"You're not stupid," he retorted.
"Yeah, well, sometimes I feel like I am."
"Come on, Johanna; tell me why you're so upset about this."
"I said forget it."
Jim shook his head. "If you didn't want me to know, you shouldn't have told me."
"I already told you, it was weird."
"Why was it weird?"
"Because, he's there being nice and calling me Josie and kissing my forehead and hugging me before he left. We don't do that, Jim."
"Never?"
"Only under orders from my mother. He hasn't voluntarily showed me affection since the day I graduated law school and before that...was probably my high school graduation. We just don't do that."
He had to handle this delicately, he thought; although handling things delicately wasn't one of his strong suits in his opinion. "In that case, you'd think that it would be a welcome surprise instead of something that has upset you."
"It's not that I don't want it," she remarked; feeling her defenses rising. "I just can't help but think if he can do it one day every few years, why can't he do it every day?"
"Maybe that's all he's capable of," Jim replied.
"But why?" she asked in desperation. "Doesn't it seem like it would be one or the other? You either show it all the time or never?"
"Not necessarily. Sometimes a person needs more than someone can give them. This isn't a black or white issue. It would be like someone saying to you that you should just be happy to receive whatever affection you get whether it's the amount you need or not. That wouldn't be fair, would it?"
It all felt so complicated and she regretted bringing it up because she felt like she was making a fool out of herself. Maybe there was something wrong with her. She should've just taken it for what it was and moved on…but apparently she couldn't. Even though she knew those moments never lasted, she always had to analyze them and try to figure out what she had done differently that had earned her that small show of affection. She thought over their visit. Colleen had been annoying him so that automatically and temporarily moved her up one rung on the ladder. She hadn't argued with him; she had turned over control of her television and she had gotten him whatever he asked for without complaint or question. She had also been silent for the majority of the time which meant she hadn't annoyed him as she usually did.
So maybe the problem wasn't him after all like she had always thought. Maybe Frank was right and the problem was her. Perhaps she wasn't the type of person who people felt inspired to be affectionate to. Maybe that was why her relationships always failed and she was still single. She had a fatal flaw in her personality.
"What are you thinking about now?" Jim inquired.
"Nothing."
He smiled. "You're thinking awfully hard about nothing...and looking like you're about to cry while doing it."
"I'm not going to cry," she stated; blinking away the moisture that had filled her eyes without notice and forcing a smile to her lips.
"It doesn't look that way from here."
"Maybe you need to look a different way."
He released a heavy breath, she was being prickly today and somehow he had made things worse and now she was trying to close herself off from him. "I'm sorry if it sounded like I was defending him. I know he isn't good to you and I don't condone that. I guess I'm just not exactly sure what the problem is today and how to help you."
"There's no problem; like I said, it's just me being stupid. There's really no point in discussing it."
"I hate when you belittle yourself," Jim told her.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry; just stop doing it because it isn't true. Now didn't you come to see me so you could tell me your troubles?"
"I don't know why I came," she replied honestly. "I should probably be getting back."
"No you don't," Jim said; snagging her hand as she released his arm. "You're not running away from me, Johanna."
"Whose running?" she asked. "I was going to catch a cab."
"You're not catching a cab," he replied as he pulled her towards a small park. "When you're ready to go home, I'll drive you but you're not ready yet."
Her brow rose. "I'm not?"
"Nope," he stated; leading her to a bench. "You're going to sit down here and tell me why this has you so upset."
"I'm not upset; I'm just out of sorts."
"Why?"
Johanna shrugged. "I don't know. I guess there's just something wrong with me; there always has been."
"Jo, there's nothing wrong with you," he replied as he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"There must be."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because if there wasn't, wouldn't I have a ring on my finger by now?"
Jim looked at her in puzzlement. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"If there wasn't something wrong with me as a person, then I'd probably be married by now, don't you think?"
"I swear to you, one day you're going to get married. There is nothing wrong with you in any way, sweetheart."
"Isn't there?" she asked; her tone somewhat anguished. "Everyone seems to imply that they think so. I mean my mother and sister are out trying to find men for me, so obviously they think something's wrong with me. I do appreciate that my father tipped me off and told me not to come to dinner Wednesday."
"What do they have planned for Wednesday?"
She scoffed. "Colleen and Paul are coming to dinner and they're bringing his brother."
"For you?"
"Of course! I met Paul's brother once before. He's nice but he's not someone I'd want. He's boring and acts like he's afraid of his own shadow. Why would they think I'd want to date someone like that? Do they even know me at all?"
"Johanna, listen to me," Jim said as he lightly grasped her arms and made her turn towards him. "You've got to get the hell away from them for awhile. They are doing nothing but dragging you down and making you feel inferior. I've only met your mother once and she seemed like a lovely person so I'm not trying to offend you but she's a meddler and she's going to keep being that way unless you put your foot down and make her stop. You have to make it clear and then you need to back away for awhile. Don't go over there every time she demands your presence at the dinner table. Take a break from it. As for Colleen, she thinks she can do whatever she wants to you because she's your baby sister. You said it yourself, you never set any boundaries with her; maybe it's time you do. She thinks because she's engaged that she's stumbled upon some secret to life that you don't have and she's going to be the one to figure out what it is you need. You don't need her help, you know what you want and need. You don't need this. Step back and take some space...they're not going to stop loving you just because you stand up to them...and I think that's what you're afraid of and why you won't fight them."
She dropped her gaze as tears stung her eyes, maybe that was true. "My father told me to get a backbone."
Jim tipped her chin up and gave her a small smile. "Maybe in this case, he's right," he said gently; "And I'm not trying to hurt your feelings by saying that. I know you don't like to hurt people. You're a kindhearted person, Johanna, and that opens you up to being hurt by the people who are supposed to love and accept you for who you are. I think in the long run, they might respect you more if you stood up to them."
Johanna nodded; he was right, and as much as she hated to admit it, so was her father. Her mother and sister were going to continue to treat her this way unless she did something about it. He wiped away the tear drop that tumbled down her cheek and then he pulled her into his arms.
"Now tell me what else is on your mind. Did your father make some comment about you being unmarried? Is that what brought on this idea that something's wrong with you?"
"No," she replied as she remained nestled against him. "I get that idea because he doesn't care much for me. I guess I just figure that if my own father doesn't like me, then why would any other man?"
"Because other men aren't your father, Jo; and I like to think that somewhere inside, he feels more for you than he claims."
"I'd like to think that too but he's done a pretty good job at making it clear that he doesn't. Even when I was a little girl it was that way. He wouldn't even hold my hand when he walked me to school. I remember him shrugging me off, telling me I was a big girl and to act like a little lady. I think that was the day it finally sank in that he didn't want me."
"How old were you?"
"Six."
Jim tightened his hold on her. It was unfathomable to him to think that a six year old could feel that way and carry that feeling into adulthood. He was close to his own father; his mother had often said he was Robert Beckett's shadow when he was small. His father had never minded him following him around. He never minded holding a small hand or giving a pat on the back. Robert never seemed bothered by endless questions or requests to play. He enjoyed being a father to his children. It was hard to think of Johanna growing up with a father who was clearly the opposite. What was he supposed to say to that? She wasn't looking for sympathy and he didn't want to make her feel worse by offering it. "There had to be a few good times though, weren't there?" he asked cautiously. "You mentioned a nickname, that suggests some measure of affection, doesn't it?"
She scoffed lightly. "I'm only ever 'Josie' to him when he had been drinking or when he was unusually happy...like when a big deposit had been made into his bank account. I think the last time I heard that name was probably when I graduated. As for it being some type of affection, if it is, it's as sporadic as hugs and compliments."
"What about good times though?" he asked. "Aren't there any good memories?"
"A few, I suppose," Johanna replied. "Today was nice…it just made me feel unsettled."
"Why, honey?"
"Because…at first it seemed like it was going to be like it always is…like I'm used to it being. He was there, yelling at me about opening the door without asking who it was, telling me I don't have the sense God gave a goose, and then asking if I was going to let me stand in the hallway all day because he knows mom raised me to be a better hostess than that and making it clear I was the last resort for him to go to in his quest to escape home. There were no thank yous for anything I gave him, which is fine; I don't expect that from him. But then he was nice…nicer than he has been in a long time. He tipped me off about Wednesday, told me to get a backbone and said he doesn't think I'm lacking for company like they think I am. He even tipped me off that Colleen has found another bridal shop in her quest for bridesmaid's dresses. Then he calls me Josie and he stays for dinner and…it just seemed so unlike him and as terrible as it sounds, I started to wonder if maybe something was wrong with him."
"Like what?"
"Like maybe he was dying," she replied sheepishly. "What am I supposed to think when he suddenly hugs and kisses me without Mom standing there telling him to do it? I even asked him if he was okay before he left."
He chuckled softly. "What did he say?"
"He said he was fine but he looked at me as if I was crazy."
Jim rubbed her arm soothingly. "Well just think of it this way; things will probably be back to normal the next time you see him."
"I'll be seeing him tomorrow for Sunday dinner," she replied as she leaned against him.
"Then he'll probably definitely be back to normal; he'll have an audience to play to."
Johanna sighed. "Do you think I'm terrible for actually feeling better when he's being…himself, instead of being the way he was today?"
"No, sweetheart; of course not," he replied. "If your father has been this way all of your life, then of course it's going to be feel odd to you when he acts like a father should. That's not on you, Jo; it's on him. You don't have to take the blame for everything that's wrong in your family, you know."
"I know but I guess it's hard not to when I've always felt like I was the one to blame."
"You're not," he stated firmly; "And although I probably have no right to ask you this, I want you to promise me something."
"What?"
"Promise me that you'll think about taking some space from them," Jim responded. "I hate seeing that look on your face every time you have to go over there or every time your sister manages to catch you and put her hooks into you."
"What look?" Johanna asked.
"That sad look; I can't stand to see you sad, Jo."
She smiled up at him. "That's why I hang around you; you always make me feel better."
He brushed a kiss against her temple. "The feeling is mutual; now do you promise?"
"I promise," she assured. If she was hearing the same thing from both Jim and her father, then she should probably listen.
The next day, Johanna was sitting at her parents table for Sunday dinner. Her parents each anchored an end of the table, while she and Frankie sat to the left of Naomi. Colleen and Frankie's wife, Valerie, sat to the right of her with Frank at the far end of the table. She was anticipating the moment when the invitation for dinner on Wednesday would be issued. She was prepared and ready to follow the advice that her father and Jim had given her. It wouldn't be easy but it was time. Finally, the moment arrived as she noticed the shift in her mother's attention.
"Johanna, we'd like for you to join us for dinner on Wednesday," Naomi stated; giving her daughter a smile as she addressed her.
Johanna met her eye and smiled. "I appreciate the invitation but I have plans on Wednesday."
"But dear, Colleen and Paul will be here and they're bringing Paul's brother, Henry. If you're not here, we'll have an uneven number at the table."
"Well I'm sorry about that but I can't make it."
"Are you sure?" Naomi questioned as Colleen stared across the table at her. "Henry is a nice young man, you should meet him."
"I've met Henry," Johanna stated. "He is a nice person but I'm not going to date him and I'm not coming to dinner."
"Just what is it that you have to do?" Colleen asked. "I mean can't you cancel just this once instead of being rude to Paul's brother by not coming?"
Johanna bit back her ire for the time being as she eyed her sister. "I'm working on a case with a colleague, Colleen."
"Why don't you do that during work hours?" her sister retorted.
"There are only so many working hours in the day. You know I do have to go to court and meet with clients among other things. The same goes for my colleagues and sometimes when we have to work together on something, the only time we have to do that is after the office is closed. I'm sorry if that's an inconvenience to you but that's how it is."
"Can't you do it after dinner?" Colleen asked.
"Your sister has an important job, Colleen," Frank stated.
"And mine isn't?" she asked.
"Johanna practices law; you pick out throw pillows for sofas. So yes, I'd say her job is more important than yours."
Colleen huffed but fell silent for the time being as Naomi pushed her way back into the conversation. "It's a shame you can't make it," she remarked; "But perhaps we can have Henry come over again on a night when you're available."
Johanna scoffed. "Mother; I'm never going to be available for Henry."
"I don't see the harm in having dinner with him, dear. You might be surprised and hit it off with him."
"You just don't get it, do you?" Johanna exclaimed; her patience wearing thin. "He's not my type and further more this is going to end here and now."
"What?" both Naomi and Colleen asked.
"I don't need either one of you to find me a man. I am so sick and tired of having to go through this with the two of you."
"Why are you so against meeting someone?" her sister questioned.
"I'm not against meeting someone, but it should be someone of my own choosing. I don't need your help. The idiots you two keep coming up with for me only demonstrate how little you know about me."
"Well you'd think you'd appreciate having someone rather than being alone all the time," Colleen shot back.
Johanna smirked at her. "Maybe you don't know as much as you think you do, Colleen."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means she's mouthy but she's not ugly," Frankie stated.
"Meaning what?" she asked once again.
"Bug, if I have to explain to you what that means, then you probably have no business getting married."
Johanna couldn't help the small laugh that escaped her lips and Frankie turned towards her. "I give Paul about six months before he either kills himself or goes out for a pack of cigarettes and never comes back."
"Paul doesn't smoke!" Colleen exclaimed.
"He'll probably take it up," Johanna stated.
"You're just jealous!"
"Of what?" Johanna yelled. "I don't want what you have which is why I don't want you picking out someone for me to date. Hell, I don't even want you picking out a pair of kitchen curtains for me."
"Go to hell, Johanna."
"You first," she retorted.
"Stop it, both of you!" Naomi exclaimed. "We don't talk like that on Sunday. Shame on you!"
Frankie laughed. "Don't stop them now; it's just getting good. I've been waiting for Johanna to tell her off for months."
"Don't encourage it," Naomi told her son before looking to her husband. "Frank, don't you think you could help keep some decorum at this table?"
"Actually I'm enjoying a conversation that doesn't have to do with this damn wedding," he replied.
"Frank!"
"Well it's the truth, Naomi; and Johanna has every right to tell both of you to mind your own damn business. She's a grown woman; let her live her own life."
"We're not trying to keep her from doing that. We just want to help her find someone to share the journey with."
"I don't need your help!" Johanna all but yelled. "I want you both to get off my back about it."
Naomi looked stricken but she forced herself to keep her resolve. "I don't see what's so wrong with wanting you to be happy."
Irritation flared in her and she allowed it to flow. "The only thing in my life that's making me unhappy right now are the two of you. Just because prissy pants over there has a ring on her finger doesn't mean that I have to run out and grab hold of the first sucker that walks by just so I can keep up with her and make you both happy. The two of you are the ones who have a problem with my life, not me. My life is fine; and who I see or sleep with, for that matter, is my business and no one else's. Now I've had enough of this. It ends here today. There will be no more fix ups, no more ambushes, and no more guilt trips about how you 'just want me to be happy' because really that's just your code for 'I don't think you're living your life right so let me fix it for you'. Well I'm not in need of having my life fixed or planned out for me. I know what I want for my life. I know the type of man I want to share it with and when the time is right, it will all fall into place. So just stop this before you alienate me completely, because that's what it's coming to."
Silence fell across the table once she had finished her tirade and she hazarded a glance at her father. She saw approval in his eyes as he looked back at her and he gave her a small nod. She had to admit, she felt a lot better getting that out of her system.
Frankie looked across the table at his wife. "I'm glad you talked me into not bailing on dinner tonight; it's turned out to be pretty entertaining."
"Frankie," Valerie chastened.
Naomi's anger flared. "And just what is your problem, Franklin?"
"I'm sick of the non stop Colleen show," he replied without remorse. "All this constant talk of wedding planning makes me sick. I swear I'd be willing to pay for her and Paul to fly off somewhere and elope just so I wouldn't have to hear about it anymore."
"I'll pay half," Johanna volunteered.
"Put me in for a share," Frank remarked. "I'll even pay for your mother to go along."
"There, we'll split it three ways; how about it Colleen, you want to grab Paul and we'll send you off wherever you want to go?" Frankie asked. "We'll make sure you have a cake and some champagne and a nice hotel."
"You're not funny!" Colleen exclaimed. "I said I'm having the wedding of my dreams and I mean it; and if any of you don't like it, then that's just too damn bad for you! Get over it, because I'm not going anywhere."
"Well this is just lovely," Naomi said; her tone on edge. "Any other complaints? What about you, Johanna; are you through with your tirade about how I need to stay out of your life or do you have something else to add?"
"I didn't say you needed to stay out of my life in general; I said you needed to stay out of my love life."
"Fine," Naomi replied sharply. "Consider it done."
"Yeah," Colleen stated. "If you want to be buried in your job and spend your life alone, then be that way. That's your misfortune."
Johanna smirked. "You know; there is one more thing."
"What's that?" her mother asked.
"I think we all need some space from each other. I won't be coming to dinner next Sunday...I might not come the Sunday after that either."
"I don't think there's any call for that," Naomi replied as she brought her own temper under control.
"I do," Johanna remarked.
"I need you to go look at bridesmaid's dresses with me next Saturday," her sister said briskly.
"I'm busy."
"This is ridiculous!" Colleen exclaimed. "My wedding is in two months and because you have to be so picky, I have no bridesmaid's dresses and now you're going to be a smartass and play the 'I'm busy' card to get out of going to look at more. You're such a bitch lately."
"You're a bit of a bitch yourself, Colleen," Johanna replied; "And if you'd stop picking out the most hideous creations on the face of the earth, they wouldn't keep being vetoed and don't blame it all on me. I'm not the only one who has said no to your choices."
"Maybe I should just find a new maid of honor."
"Do what you have to do, Bug," Johanna told her. "I think I'm done here."
With that said, she threw done the linen napkin and rose from her place. She paused by Naomi's side; leaning down and kissing her cheek. "I love you, Mom...but I just can't take it anymore."
"I love you too," her mother replied; her voice still holding tension.
Johanna bypassed Colleen, knowing her sister wouldn't welcome a hug goodbye and quite frankly she didn't want to give her one. She hugged Valerie instead; and then said a quick goodbye to her brother. She noticed an unusual flicker of respect in Frankie's eyes as he told her goodbye and it made her realize that things must've been pretty bad if even her brother had thought she had been right to put Naomi and Colleen in their place.
When she reached Frank's side; he pushed his chair back and stood. "I'll walk you to the door."
They were quiet as they made the trek and as he stood by watching her pull on her coat, he caught her gaze and held it. "You did the right thing," he stated quietly. "Now stick to your word and don't let them walk all over you anymore."
She nodded. "I don't intend to."
"Good; and don't worry, your mother will get over it."
"I hope so," she replied. She hated to think that she had hurt her but she didn't seem to be able to get through to her any other way. She picked up her purse from the stand. "Goodnight, Dad."
"Goodnight."
She turned towards the door but then turned back and on impulse she kissed his cheek. It seemed to catch him off guard and she smiled as she turned back for the door. They were even now in the surprise department.
As Jim approached his door that evening, he smiled upon seeing Johanna leaning against it. "What are you doing here?" he asked as he fished his keys from his pocket. "Not that I mind that you're here, of course."
She smiled. "I thought I'd stop by and ask you what you're doing for dinner next Sunday."
"What do you have in mind?" Jim replied as he opened the door and ushered her inside.
"I was thinking about cooking. I thought you might want to join me for dinner."
"What are you having?"
"What would you like?" Johanna asked as she took a seat on the sofa.
He considered it for a moment as he plopped down beside her. "Can you make a decent piece of fried chicken?"
"Yeah; I can manage that," she laughed. "Is that what you want?"
Jim nodded. "That's the one thing my mother can never make quite right."
A smile spread across her lips. "Then I'll guarantee you decent fried chicken if you'll be my guest next Sunday."
"I'm all yours. What time?"
"Is five okay?"
"That's fine with me; I'll be there. I take it you're bailing on your usual Sunday dinner with your parents."
"Yes I am," she said proudly. "I put my mother and sister in their place."
"Good for you, sweetheart," Jim said proudly. "How did that feel?"
"Pretty damn good."
"Did your father say anything?"
"He backed me up," she told him. "He told them I had every right to tell them to back off…even my brother seemed to think it was time."
Jim laughed. "We can't all be wrong."
"Apparently not," she agreed. "I think Mom and Colleen have driven everyone so crazy with all of this that it's ended up creating some sort of truce between me and my father and Frankie."
"That should be a fun wedding," Jim commented.
"Yeah; it'll probably end up on the front page…someone will probably explode by then and the police will have to be called."
Jim grinned at her. "I'll make sure you know where I'm at that day in case you need to get a hold of me for bail money."
Johanna laughed. "Thanks, I appreciate that…but just know that if it comes to that and I get carted off in handcuffs; I'm going to make damn sure Colleen is sitting in the back of that police car with me. We'll see how that works into her dream wedding theme."
"I hope someone's going to be recording this wedding and you can get a copy of the tape; I think I want to see this show."
"Do you want to go in my place?" she asked; "Because you can."
"No thanks."
"Maybe I'll change your mind with dinner," she teased.
Jim smiled. "I doubt it, but I'm looking forward to being there so you can try."
"I'm looking forward to it too," Johanna replied; a sense of peace filling her. It would be nice to anticipate Sunday for a change she thought to herself…even better to share it with someone who accepted her just the way she was.