Reflections Chapter 38 - I Can't Tell You Why, a castle fanfic

Author's Note: Thanks for you reviews! I set this chapter up a little differently; I hope you'll enjoy it.

Chapter 38 – I Can't Tell You Why

"We make it harder than it has to be…and I can't tell you why' – The Eagles

It was too dark in the back of the cab for Johanna to distinguish the time on her watch but she knew that it was after midnight. Her foot pushed against the floor as if she could propel the car along at a faster rate…and she wished that she could take the wheel, because then she'd probably already be where she needed to go. Maybe it was time to once again ponder the idea of buying a car.

She shook that thought away however; now wasn't the time for that. She had more important things on her mind…like Jim. Her hands shook as they rested on top of her purse and she closed her eyes in silent prayer. "Please God…please let him be okay."

Her eyes opened and she stared out the window. A headache and a heavy mind had sent her to bed early but she had only been dozing lightly when the phone rang. It had been a tearful Sharon; informing her that Phil, Jeff and Jim had been involved in a large accident on their way back to the city that evening. She didn't know anything about Jim's condition; other than the fact that he had been hurt and had been unconscious…at least that's what she had heard. Their conversation had gotten cut short as the doctor had come into the emergency room to speak to her and Phil's mother but before hanging up, she gave her the name of the hospital.

She hadn't wasted any time getting up and getting dressed. Nothing could keep her from getting to him…although the wait for the cab had almost done her in…and really it hadn't been all that long of a wait. But to her overwrought mind it had been forever and it was taking forever to get to him. She just hoped that he wouldn't mind that she had came…because she wasn't all that sure that he'd welcome the sight of her.

"Miss," the driver stated; startling her from her thoughts. "We're here."

Johanna quickly paid the driver and got out of the cab, hurrying into the hospital; her stomach tied in knots, her heart anguished. Why had they had that stupid fight? The hospital was crowded; telling her that Sharon had been correct about the size of the accident. She picked her way through the crowd, her eyes scanning the room for a familiar face.

"Robert," Johanna called out as she caught sight of Jim's father.

His head turned in her direction; a small worried smile coming to his lips. "Johanna," he said as she reached his side. "I had a feeling I'd be seeing you."

"How is he?" she asked; her heart in her throat.

"I don't know yet, honey," he answered; seeing the worry and fear in her eyes.

"Why not?"

"Because they haven't told me anything yet. There were several cars involved in this accident; a lot of people were hurt. The nurse said I'd have to wait like everyone else and that a doctor would be out to talk to me soon."

"That isn't right," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "They could at least tell you something. Anything is better than nothing!"

Robert caught her wrist and pulled her into a hug. "Just stay calm," he told her. "Let's keep that old adage in mind that no news is good news until we know otherwise. You know they always treat the worst first; so maybe waiting isn't a bad thing. Maybe Jimmy isn't hurt badly and he has to wait his turn. He'll be okay."

"How can you be sure?" Johanna asked; her voice cracking.

"Because a parent knows," Robert said as he patted her back and then released her. "If my boy was seriously hurt, I'd feel it."

She wasn't sure she bought that logic but she nodded anyway. She wouldn't take that from Robert if it was what he was clinging to.

Robert looked over the worried young woman in front of him. Her face was free of makeup, her hair slightly tousled. She looked like she had just threw on whatever was handy. Her jeans were faded and worn; her t-shirt bore the name of a rock band and her feet were shoved into a pair of red open toed shoes. He was also fairly certain that was Jimmy's old leather jacket that she had on and he couldn't help but smile a little. "Honey, you look like you just left a rock concert."

Johanna glanced down at herself; she hadn't really given much thought to what she had thrown on after receiving Sharon's phone call. "Yeah, I guess I do," she said; her face warming in embarrassment. "I went to bed early and when my friend called and told me about the accident I just grabbed the clothes I had put on when I got home from work. The jacket was within reach and I kicked these shoes off by the door when I got home so I just slipped them on. I guess I kind of look a mess."

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "You look like the young woman that you are. There's nothing wrong with how you're dressed."

She gave him an unconvinced smile and brushed a lock of dark hair back from her face. She probably looked like a teenager, she mused; but she couldn't help it. Wardrobe selection hadn't ranked high on her list of concerns.

"Come on, Johanna; let's go sit down," Robert said as he took her arm and gently pulled her along with him. The emergency room was full of people standing around, demanding answers that no one seemed to have yet and the chairs that filled the area were full too. Robert signaled to a nurse that they'd be in the next waiting room down the hall and she gave him a nod of acknowledgement.

The waiting room he had chosen was quiet and largely unoccupied. Robert sat down on the far side of the room and Johanna sat down beside him. She sat her purse down on the empty chair next to her and caught sight of an older woman across the room glaring at her.

"In my day, young ladies dressed appropriately when going out in public," the woman remarked.

Johanna leveled her with an icy glare. "You'll have to forgive me, my ball gown is at the cleaners and I loaned my tiara to my sister. I assure you that the next time I visit an emergency room of such high society stature that I'll be properly dressed for it."

"Well," the woman huffed. "In my day a lady never spoke to her elders that way!"

"Lady, your day was over four decades ago. Join us in the 70s or keep your mouth shut because I'm not in the mood for uppity busy bodies who look down their noses at people they don't even know and can't mind their own business."

The old woman pursed her lips together and looked at Robert. "If you're her father, I suggest you take that girl in hand."

Robert smiled; "I'm her father-in-law, and I wouldn't dream of taking her in hand. The men in my family like brassy women. You should've kept your opinions to yourself and then you wouldn't have riled her."

The woman got to her feet; "I think I'll wait elsewhere."

"Have a nice evening," Robert told her as she left.

Johanna shook her head at him. "You better quit telling people I'm your daughter-in-law," she whispered.

"It's better that I tell people," he replied. "I don't know the rules at this hospital; it's not the one my family usually frequents. What about yours?"

"No; I've only been here once or twice and that was a long time ago when my mother's father was sick. I was just a kid then."

"Some hospitals only allow family members in to see a patient," Robert remarked; "Like I said, I don't know the rules here so if you want to see Jimmy, you should probably just play along to be on the safe side."

She nodded in agreement but she hoped that Jim wouldn't find out. He was already angry enough with her. She imaged that finding out that she was masquerading as his wife would probably throw him into a tailspin and she didn't need that.

"He's going to be fine," Robert said once again. "He's been in plenty of scrapes before. As he ever told you about his string of childhood injuries?"

"He told me about the summer sledding accident and the time Andrew pushed him off the top bunk and a few other things," she answered.

He smiled; "My boys always found their way into mischief and a need for stitches…I'm sure it's added to their sturdiness. Jimmy's young, healthy and strong. He'll be fine."

"I know," she murmured; figuring that he wanted her to…maybe as confirmation of his beliefs so he could hang on to them himself.

Robert picked up a copy of Time magazine that was laying on the stand next to his chair and she allowed her thoughts to drift back to the night their troubles had begun.

Johanna's phone was ringing just as she stepped inside her door and she sighed as she dropped her briefcase and purse and moved across the room towards the stand. Between dinner with a client and what she had intended as a brief stop at her mother's to return her earrings, she hadn't been home yet at all. She snatched the receiver, her "Hello" showcasing her lackluster response to being bothered.

"Jo," Jeff's voice answered. "We have a problem."

"What do you mean we have a problem?" she asked. "I'm not working on anything with you right now."

"It's not a work problem, Sassy. It's a problem with your man."

"I assume you mean Jim?"

"I like how you don't deny it," he chuckled.

"Jeff, I've had a long day and I'm tired; so can you just tell me what the problem is?"

"Jim's drunk, and he's fighting with his brother."

"Which one?"

"William."

"Guess he finally found his way home," she commented.

"Yeah...and I think Jim's working his way up to killing him so you need to come down here and do something."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Come down here and talk him into leaving with you; he'll listen to you, Sassy."

Johanna sighed; so much for being home for the evening. "Alright, where are you?"

Jeff gave her the name of the bar and she hung up. It looked like she was going to be taking on the role of rescuer this time.

Johanna entered the bar; her gaze seeking out her colleagues through the haze of smoke and the dimness of the lights. She spotted Jeff first and he waved her toward a few tables that were occupied by Jim and his three brothers and a few men she didn't know. She moved in their direction slowly; studying Jim as she went. She could see the anger in his features and his lips were moving in some tirade that she couldn't hear, but she saw his hand wrapped tightly around a nearly empty glass of whiskey. Jeff clapped a hand on Jim's shoulder, drawing his attention away from the man she assumed was William. He said something to him and then Jim's gaze darted in her direction and she offered him a soft smile. Jim's demeanor changed; a grin coming to his lips as he rose from his chair, stumbling a bit as he did so. "Johanna," he said happily as she reached his side. "What are you doing here, sweetheart?"

"I just wanted to see you," she replied.

His grin stayed in place as he wrapped her in a hug. "You missed me?"

"Of course I did."

"Hi, angel face," Andrew called out; clearly as drunk as his brother was.

"Hi, Andrew," she replied.

"You stay away from her," Jim said; keeping one arm around her as he pointed at his younger brother. "She's mine. Right, sweetheart?" he asked as he nuzzled her hair. "You're mine, aren't you?"

"All yours," she replied; ignoring Jeff's amused look. "Hi, Michael," she added as she met his amused look as well.

"Hello, Johanna; you should probably get his keys."

Jeff grabbed the keys from the table and passed them to her. "Why are you taking my keys?" Jim asked her as she shoved them into the pocket of her jacket.

"So you don't lose them," she quickly replied and he seemed appeased with that answer. "Why don't we go over there where's it's quieter and talk for awhile," she said; pointing to a table in the far corner.

"Okay," Jim said amicably as she slipped her arm around his waist. He grabbed his glass but she said nothing about it as she led him away. He stumbled into the chair she directed him to and she sat down next to him, laying her hand on top of his.

"What's going on here tonight, honey?" she asked; keeping her tone soft and friendly.

He took a sip of his drink. "William's home on leave. Mom wants us all to play nice," he said bitterly.

"But he isn't playing nice?"

"He never has. I can't stand him. He should just stay in Germany where he belongs. It's better if we live in different countries."

Johanna rubbed his hand. "What did he say that got you upset tonight?"

"Lots of things. He thinks he's so much better than everyone. I hate him, Jo. I don't want to talk about him anymore."

"Alright," she told him; her fingers still moving against his skin. "He doesn't matter; he isn't anyone anyway."

"That's right," he slurred.

"You're a much better man than he is."

"I know it," he agreed and then as he looked her over, he added; "You're still in your work clothes."

Johanna nodded. "I had dinner with a client tonight."

Jim frowned. "A man?"

"No," she said with a soft laugh. "A female client."

He smiled. "Okay."

She laughed. "Dinner with clients is only okay if they're women?"

"Yeah; I don't like you having dinner with men, sweetheart."

"I have dinner with you," she replied. "You're a man."

"That's different; it's me."

"I see."

"I don't like this shirt you're wearing, Jo."

"Why not?" she laughed.

"It's too prissy...you're not prissy, sweetheart. Come sit with me."

"I am sitting with you."

"You're not close enough," he complained as he reached for her.

She dodged his hands. "How about I take you home and then I'll sit as close to you as you want."

"And you'll let me kiss you?" he asked; his hand landing on her knee.

"Don't I always?"

"Let's go," he said happily. "Give me my keys."

"But I thought I'd drive...you said I could drive your car anytime I wanted...don't you trust me?" she said; pouting a bit for effect.

"Course I do," Jim said hurriedly; his hand brushing her cheek. "You drive, sweetheart."

She smiled and held on to his arm as he rose from his chair. They were just about to turn to leave when William ambled up behind them; the other brothers and Jeff following behind.

"Where you running off to little brother?" William said; disdain coloring his tone as they turned to face him.

"I'm leaving," Jim remarked. "I have better things to do than sit here and look at your ugly face all night. Why don't you just go back where you came from and stay there for the rest of your life. It isn't like anybody would miss you."

William sneered at him. "Why should they when they have Saint James around to act like he's something special...when he's not and never has been."

"I'd tell you to go to hell but you'd probably find hell to your liking."

"Then maybe you should go," William retorted.

"Where do you think I've been all night?" Jim asked.

His brother smirked and looked Johanna up and down. "Don't you look at her," Jim warned. "You keep away from her."

"Let's just go, Jim," Johanna murmured to him.

William scoffed. "Is this the slut Mom said you were laying with?"

Before anyone knew what was happening, Jim drew back his fist and punched William in his face. Johanna grabbed his arm; Jeff grabbing the other as they pushed him toward the exit as Michael tried to keep William from getting up from the floor.

"You tell him that if he ever talks about her again that it'll be the last thing he ever says," Jim called over his shoulder.

"I'll tell him," Michael promised; as he kept his brother pinned to the floor. "You just go on home with Johanna now. I'll take care of William."

Jim wrapped his arm around Johanna protectively as he allowed himself to be led out of the bar by Jeff.

Once they had him settled in the passenger seat of his car, Jeff turned to Johanna. "Are you going to be able to manage him, or do you want me to go with you?"

She shook her head. "I can manage him. He'll do what I say."

Jeff chuckled. "He probably will; but if you need me, call. I'm heading home too."

She promised she would and then climbed in the driver's side, adjusting the seat so she could reach the pedals and then began the drive to his apartment.

Johanna was startled from her thoughts by the gentle shake that Robert gave her arm. "I didn't mean to scare you," he said when she flinched and her gaze collided with his.

"That's okay," she said softly. "I guess I got lost in thought."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah…did I miss anything?"

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "I was just asking you if you wanted something to drink."

"No; I'm fine. Thanks anyway."

"Something on your mind?"

"Just the obvious," Johanna replied.

"He'll be okay…he might milk it though to get some attention from you," Robert said warmly.

Her gaze darted toward the window; she doubted that Jim wanted attention from her at the moment…but she was there anyway. "Where's your wife?" she asked; changing the subject.

"Lizzie and William went to Pennsylvania to visit her father…thank God."

"Did you call her?"

"Hell no; I'm not calling her until I have a complete report to give. Hopefully it's minor and I won't have to tell her until she gets home. She'll drive poor Jimmy crazy if she finds out before hand."

She didn't have a hard time believing that. "No offense but I'm kind of glad she isn't here…she probably would've had me thrown out."

"Oh I wouldn't let her do that to you," Robert assured. "She's slow at accepting things but sooner or later she'll settle down about you being Jimmy's girl. Don't you worry."

If he only knew how many worries she had at the moment…and Elizabeth wasn't even on the list. "How come you didn't go with Mrs. Beckett?"

Robert laughed. "Honey you don't have to call her that; you can call her Elizabeth."

"She said I had to call her Mrs. Beckett."

"She's not here; she won't know."

Johanna frowned; a thought coming to mind that she'd had before and it slipped from her lips. "I can't believe I share a name with her."

"What?"

"My middle name is Elizabeth," she explained.

Robert's eyes sparkled merrily. "Is that a fact?"

"Sure is."

"I can't wait until she hears that."

"I probably can," she laughed. "How come you didn't go with her?"

"My father-in-law doesn't like me," he answered.

"How can anyone not like you, Robert?" she asked in surprise. "You're one of the nicest men I've ever known."

He smiled warmly and gave her hand a gentle pat. "I'm glad you think so. He's never really given me a specific reason…other than the fact that he's never thought I was good enough for his daughter."

"This sounds familiar," Johanna remarked.

The older man chuckled quietly. "Lizzie does take after her father in some ways. He's a stern man…but his opinion didn't stop us…don't let Lizzie stop you."

She ignored that comment; opting to ask another question instead. "When does William leave?"

"Not soon enough for Jimmy…but he heads back to Germany in two weeks."

"You must miss him a lot when he's away."

He nodded. "I do miss him when he goes so long without coming home. It's just a shame that he doesn't feel the same way about us."

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

"It's not your fault, honey. It's just the way it is. William is a lot like his grandfather; he's not interested in strong emotional attachments. That's why he and Jimmy clash. Jimmy likes his independence and his space…but he loves his family too; especially his brothers. The age difference between him and Michael never mattered; Jimmy followed him around all the time; they're still close as you know. Andrew always followed Jimmy, and he never minded. Andrew was his partner in mischief, those two were inseparable. When it came to William…well, William just didn't get as close to his brothers as the others did and I think that hurt Jimmy when he was kid. William didn't want to be looked up to; he didn't want to be followed, he didn't want to be a big brother the way Michael was. Sure when they were little they all played together but as they got older, William became more aloof…I think Jimmy took that as a betrayal in some way."

"That makes sense," she murmured. "I know he isn't…president of William's fan club to say the least."

"That's the truth," Robert said with a soft laugh. "They don't get along well at all."

"I know when we were in Pennsylvania that his aunt Vivien asked him if he was going to visit his grandfather while we were in town but Jim didn't want anything to do with that idea."

"William Bradley isn't a people person…which means Lizzie was right to name our son after him."

"Jim made the same comment about him not being a people person."

"The kids always hated when their mother would take them to visit him. He always made them sit on the floor and they weren't to touch anything. They were only to speak when spoken to and they were to address him as sir or grandfather. There was no grandpa or pap or any of those other names kids have for their grandparents…just sir or grandfather. There was no affection, no spoiling, no anything."

"I don't blame them for not wanting to go there; I wouldn't have wanted to either."

"With the exception of William; Lizzie's father hasn't seen my kids since they were teenagers; not that I think he cares."

"And I thought my family was bad," Johanna commented.

"Dysfunction is an incurable disease; it spreads," Robert quipped. "You're not alone."

"That's good to know."

"Did you know Jimmy was heading back to town tonight?" he asked. "He told me he might not be back until the beginning of the week."

"No, I didn't know," she replied. Being that they hadn't spoken since the morning after his barroom fight with William, he hadn't been keeping her in the loop.

"Maybe he wanted to surprise you."

"I doubt it," she said without thought and then seeing Robert's questioning look she hurried to add; "He probably just wanted to sleep in his own bed…or Phil was in a hurry to get back to Sharon and he had no choice but to come along."

Robert was getting the feeling that something had happened between Johanna and his son but he let it go for the moment. "I'm going to go get a cup of coffee, I'll be right back. Are you sure I can't get you something?"

"I'm sure."

"I'll be back."

"I'll hold down the fort," she replied lightly. When Robert was out of sight, Johanna leaned back in the chair and scrubbed her hands over her face as her memory of taking Jim home the night of his fight with William over took her mind.

Johanna got Jim into his apartment with little trouble and eventually got him steered toward his bedroom where she guided him to sit on the edge of his bed. "What are we doing?" he asked. "I'm not tired. I thought you were going to sit with me and kiss me."

"I will, but let's make you comfortable first," she said as she knelt before him and began to take off his shoes and socks.

He seemed to get the idea and reached for the buttons of his shirt, but his fingers wouldn't cooperate and she laughed as she brushed them away and took on the task herself; quickly undoing the buttons and slipping his shirt from his shoulders, leaving him in a white cotton t-shirt that clung to his chest. She had to quell the urge to touch him, and did so by reaching for his wrist and unhooking his watch.

"I'm sorry about what William said about you," Jim stated.

"It's okay," she smiled; reaching for his hand to examine his knuckles. "I don't care about William."

"You care about me?"

"You know I do," Johanna said softly as she brushed her fingertips against his knuckles. "Does your hand hurt?"

"No," he grinned. "I hit him good, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did," she laughed. "He went down like a sack of potatoes."

"You know how long I've been wanting to do that?"

"How long?"

"Since I was born," he said gleefully. "I liked it."

"I'm glad," she chuckled.

"You don't like Andrew better than me, do you?"

"Of course not," she replied as she held his gaze. "I'm partial to blue eyes, remember?"

Jim smiled. "You know what color I like best?"

"What?"

"Green eyes," he answered; brushing a fingertip near her eye. "You have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen, sweetheart."

"Thank you," she murmured; allowing him to draw her close for that promised kiss.

"You should lay down," she told him once his lips had parted from hers.

"Are you going to lay down with me?" he asked.

"Sure," she replied; laying a hand against his knee to steady herself as she rose from the floor.

He laid down but instead of letting her round the bed; he gripped her arm and tugged her down with him, making her laugh in the process. "What are you doing?" she asked him.

"You said you'd be close to me," he grinned.

Johanna shifted to lay beside him. "I'm close, honey."

He turned on his side to face her, his hand landing on her hip. "I like you, Jo. I want you close."

"I like you too, Jim," she giggled.

His hand moved against her hip and then trailed up her side. "I want to kiss you," he stated; and then captured her lips before she could answer.

His kisses continued; his hands moving against her sensuously as she offered no protest. She knew she should probably stop what was happening but she didn't feel very inclined to as he shifted over her; his weight pressing against her as his mouth moved to her neck. She ran her hands over the muscles of his back; wishing she could feel his skin instead of the thin material of his shirt. She was lost in the moment until she felt the buttons of her blouse giving way and the warmth of his hand slipping inside and settling against the lace of her bra.

"Jim, we can't do this," she murmured; pushing against his chest.

"Why not?" he asked. "I want you."

"I want you too," she said breathlessly. "But we can't...not tonight."

"We can," he replied as he looked down at her. "I promise you'll like it."

Johanna laughed;."I have done it before you know."

"Not with me," he quipped.

"That's true."

"It'll be good, sweetheart. Better than the rest."

She grinned. "You have no doubt that you could beat my previous experiences?"

Jim nodded. "Don't you think so?"

"Anything beats that first time," she laughed.

"Didn't he do it right?" he asked.

"At the time I wasn't sure but now I just think he wasn't any good at it."

"I'm good at it," he said proudly.

"I'm sure you are."

"Then let me show you," he murmured; a hand finding its way to the inside of her thigh.

"Not tonight."

"Was there anybody else after the loser?" he asked.

"That's kind of a personal question," she replied; trying to ignore the lazy pattern his thumb was making on her thigh.

"You can tell me," he replied; trailing kisses along her jaw.

"You know there was," Johanna answered.

"I wouldn't hurt you like he did."

"I know you wouldn't," she whispered as she caressed his face.

"Let me make love to you, sweetheart," he pleaded.

She wanted to so badly but she knew it was wrong and that it couldn't happen this way. "We can't, Jim."

"I need you," he breathed; his lips grazing her neck. "I need you so badly. Do you know how bad I need you? How bad I needed you when we went to Albany and when we were at the beach…do you know?" he asked as he peppered her skin with hot kisses.

Amusement gleamed in her eyes. "I was very aware of the situation," she told him.

"You were?"

"Yes," she replied; after all, how could she not be aware of it when they had been so intimately pressed against each other during those heated encounters?

"Don't you want me?"

"Of course I want you, honey...but I just can't tonight. I'm sorry."

"Why not?"

"Girl reasons," she said hurriedly; hoping he'd get her meaning even if it was a lie. He looked at her in confusion for a moment but then a light bulb seemed to go off his hazy mind and he moved off of her.

"Some other time?" he asked as she quickly re-buttoned her blouse.

"Yes; some other time."

"You'll stay with me tonight...let me hold you?" Jim questioned; his eyes heavy as he looked at her.

"Of course I will," she whispered; snuggling into his side. "You go to sleep now."

He wrapped his arm around her tightly and murmured something incoherent into her hair. She stayed awake long after he was asleep; trying to figure out his mumble; but she couldn't decipher it and soon she gave up and allowed sleep to claim her.

Time passed slowly and Johanna's foot had been tapping at a steady rhythm for ten minutes when Robert gently nudged it with his own foot and laid his hand on her knee. She glanced at him and offered him a small smile. "Sorry; it's a nervous habit."

"It's alright; we all have them," he assured; lifting his hand from her knee now that her foot had stilled. "Honey, I know you're worried about Jimmy but I can't help but think that there's something more to it than that."

Johanna was quiet for a long moment as she debated her answer. "Yeah; I guess there is," she murmured.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She studied the floor for a minute. "We had an argument," she admitted softly. "We haven't talked for the last few days."

"I see," Robert said patiently. "And now you're worried that you might not have the chance again."

Her chin trembled and tears stung her eyes as she thought of that possibility. She nodded in acknowledgement of his words; not wanting to speak the answer.

"He's going to be just fine, Johanna. I feel it in my bones."

"I hope so," she sniffed.

"How bad was this argument?" he asked.

"Bad enough I guess...but to me it should've never been an argument in the first place."

"Why's that?"

"Because it was stupid."

The older man chuckled. "That happens sometimes."

"It seems like it happens a lot lately," she said softly.

Robert eyed her. "Do you think there might be a reason for that?"

"There usually is."

He wanted to expound upon that topic but thought it best to gather more information about the situation at hand. "Does this by any chance have something to do with that scuffle between Jimmy and William?"

"In a way," Johanna answered. "Did he tell you about it?"

"No; all I know is that my boys went out and got drunk and that at some point Jeff called you to come collect Jimmy. Michael told me that shortly after you arrived, you convinced Jimmy to leave but William had to goad him one more time and Jimmy punched him."

She nodded. "He sure did."

"He got him good," Robert remarked. "William has one hell of a black eye. Michael didn't tell me what was said that caused the punch...and Andrew is feigning amnesia. I have a feeling that you know what was said though."

"It doesn't matter."

"I think maybe it does and I want you to tell me."

She sighed heavily. "William asked Jim if I was the slut that he was laying with."

Robert's jaw clenched and he took a moment to swallow his anger at his son. He took Johanna's hand in his and gave it a soft squeeze. "Johanna, I am deeply ashamed that William made such a statement toward you. He wasn't raised to speak of a lady that way; especially one he doesn't know and I apologize."

She shook her head. "It's okay; they were both drunk and had been taking shots at each other all night. I guess William wanted to get in one more jab at Jim...and he got Jim's fist for the effort."

"William's my son and I love him...but he got what he deserved."

"Jim was proud of that punch," she said with a smile. "But like I said, he was drunk. I got him to leave after that. I took him home."

"So how did this turn into an argument between you and Jimmy?"

Her gaze shifted away once more. "I don't know if we should talk about that."

"Why?"

"Because...it's...well... awkward."

Robert smiled. "Honey, just because I'm in what is termed as middle age doesn't mean that I've forgotten what it's like to be young. And just because I'm his father doesn't mean that I wear rose colored glasses. Jimmy's a man...we get ourselves into trouble...especially when it comes to women."

Johanna gave him a hint of a smile. "I guess it's kind of my fault though."

Robert patted her knee. "It's probably just a misunderstanding...and you don't have to give in depth details. I'm good at drawing myself a picture. Just give me an idea and maybe I can help."

Her foot began tapping again as she ran her hand through her hair. "I got him home without any trouble despite how drunk he was...but he wasn't being a mean kind of drunk; he saved that all for William."

"But not for you?"

"No."

"What kind of drunk was he with you?"

Johanna searched for the right word...or at least a toned down version of the word. "Affectionate," she finally supplied.

"Ah; I see," Robert said in understanding. "Overly affectionate?"

Johanna squirmed in her seat as her cheeks warmed. "We really shouldn't discuss this."

He laughed lightly. "If it eases your mind any; I assure you that this conversation will never leave this room."

She released a weighted breath. "He was very affectionate...but..."

"But what?"

"The...um...affection didn't go any further than we're accustomed to."

"It didn't?"

"No...I put the brakes on that."

"And then what happened?"

"I told him that he needed to go to sleep...and he asked me to stay with him."

"Did you?"

"Yeah...that was my mistake."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because when he saw that I was still there the next morning, he got very angry."

"Why?"

Johanna shook her head; her teeth worrying her bottom lip. "He said that I shouldn't have stayed...that when I was in a similar predicament after my sister's wedding he had the decency to leave before I woke up the next morning."

Robert could hear the hurt in her voice and he gave her hand a comforting squeeze. "What did you say?"

"I told him that he asked me to stay and that I didn't think it was a big deal to do so," she answered. "I really didn't think it would be a problem. I stayed with him before...he's stayed with me. To me it wasn't any different than those times. I was so tired that night...I had just finally gotten home that evening when Jeff called me and I know how Jim hates for me to be out alone late at night. But I guess I should've gone home anyway."

Robert shifted in his chair, seeking a more comfortable position. "Honey; I'm not doubting you at all but I have a feeling there's more to the argument than just the fact that you stayed over."

Johanna sighed. "Yeah...he seems convinced that he tried to force me into something but I swear he didn't. Like I said; it wasn't anything that hadn't happened before and I never had a moment of fear that I wouldn't be able to stop him. He'd never hurt me like that no matter what. I told him things had to stop and he stopped; there was no problem. But he's stuck on the fact that he could've tried to force me...and he told me that I shouldn't have allowed anything to happen at all when he was drunk...he said I should've had more respect for myself than to allow him to be so...'affectionate' with me in the state he was in...and that I should've had the decency to leave. I tried to reason with him but it just turned into an argument and I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said yes. He hasn't spoken to me since...and I haven't made any attempts either."

"Why haven't you?"

She shrugged. "Because...I feel stupid and embarrassed...and ashamed and a hundred other little things. I should've never stayed; we might've gotten through the rest of it if I hadn't spent the night."

"You didn't do anything wrong by staying, Johanna. It was late and you were tired; it was best for you to stay put. I have a strong feeling that Jimmy isn't mad at you."

She scoffed. "Seems like it to me."

Robert smiled and squeezed her hand. "I'm sure it does; but I think Jimmy's really mad at himself. He's ashamed that you had to seem him like that...that his brother said something so hateful to you. He's probably a little upset with himself about how affectionate he was...not because he doesn't want to be affectionate...but because Jimmy likes to be in control; and knowing that he was drunk and had already hit his brother, even though he had a good reason; he probably feared that he could've lost control with you...that he might've been more forceful in asserting what he wanted...that he might've been pressuring you into something you didn't want or wasn't ready for."

"But I told him that wasn't true; I wasn't pressured or afraid."

"In the state he was in, all that mattered to him was how he viewed the situation and how it could've gone differently. He's mad at himself... he gets mad at himself a lot when he feels like he's lost control of a situation and sometimes that causes him to lash out. It's easier to be mad at you."

"And Jeff," she added. "He got an earful for calling me."

Robert nodded. "It's easier to take it out on everyone else; but he knows it's about him and he has to make his peace with it. Don't worry; it'll sort itself out, honey."

"I hope it's sooner rather than later."

Robert met her eye. "You mention that these little quarrels keep happening."

"Yeah; they do."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I don't know."

He smiled indulgently. "I think we both know that isn't true."

Johanna's foot tapped steadily against the floor. "I guess maybe things are getting complicated between us."

"I think you're past that," he said with a light laugh. "You want to know what I think?"

She smiled. "I'd hate to try and stop you."

Robert grinned. "I think the real problem here is that it's getting harder and harder for you and Jimmy to maintain this 'we're just friends' stance...because we all know that you're not just friends...isn't that right?"

"Yes," she quietly admitted.

"And yet the two of you seem committed to this holding pattern, and honey, whatever reasons the two of you are using for that are now obsolete. You're not protecting anything by trying to hold still...you're tearing it apart. Don't you see that? That's why the arguments keep springing up. You want more; you need more...and digging your heels in and denying it isn't getting you anywhere. It's just going to blow up in your faces. I know making that final leap is scary...and that you both have reasons...and I'm guessing that Jimmy isn't the only one who's been hurt by past relationships. I think you have too and you're being careful; and that's okay to an extent but there has to be a point where you cast that aside and take a chance on what you both want."

Johanna was silent as he gave his lecture; listening intently but she made no comment on what she heard. "You want it, don't you?" Robert asked.

She remained quiet; refusing to answer the question. Why should she when he already knew the answer?

"Do you love him?" he asked.

Her lips pressed into a firm line; her hands curling around the edge of her seat as Robert regarded her intently. "Well do you?" he asked.

Her head turned; her gaze colliding with his. "Would I be sitting here if I didn't?" she asked.

Robert shrugged. "How should I know?"

"You know," she remarked; a touch of sharpness in her tone as he poked into that protected area of her heart.

"How do I know? I haven't heard you say anything specific."

Her knuckles were turning white from her grip on the chair but Robert kept pressing her. "It's a simple question; do you love him? The words can't hurt you, honey...it's not saying them that hurts you...doesn't it? It's eating you alive right now, isn't it? You're thinking about it; you know things can't keep going on the way they have been, don't you? It drives you crazy; I bet it keeps you awake at night...it's why you let him get away with so much. Isn't that true, Johanna? Why don't you just admit it? You're not fooling anyone. A woman doesn't get out of her bed in the middle of the night and run to the hospital to sit and worry over a man who hasn't spoken to her in days because of a silly squabble over a drunken night. So yes, it does tell me something that you're sitting here, but not enough."

"Fine; I love him!" she exploded. "I love him and I don't care how stupid he acts or how long he ignores me until he gets over it; nothing was going to keep me from coming here! I love him...and nothing can change that; no matter how long I have to wait or what I have to put up with. He's not ready...but I love him anyway," she proclaimed as she surged to her feet and crossed to room to the window.

Robert studied her as she stared out at the darkness; her arms wrapped around herself; her hands curled inside the long sleeves of Jim's old leather jacket. He could see her throat constricting in the dim light; the tension in her jaw and yet he decided to press forward. "You should tell him, Johanna," he said softly.

"I'm not talking about this anymore," she replied.

"Does that make it feel better? If you ignore it, is it easier to live with?"

She scoffed as she shook her head. "Like it's even possible to ignore it...like I don't think about it all the time or allow it to dictate my actions. Ignore it...that's real funny," she said with a quiet laugh.

"You'd feel better if..."

"I'll feel better when I know he's fine. Now this discussion is closed."

"Is it?" Robert asked.

Johanna nodded. "It is."

He smiled. "When you say it like that and with that look on your face, you remind me of my wife."

Johanna turned in his direction. "Let's not get insulting."

He laughed. "I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers, you know."

A small smile tugged at her lips despite herself. "Somehow I doubt that."

The older man grinned. "Okay; maybe I wanted to ruffle them a little."

She didn't get a chance to respond as a doctor appeared in the doorway and announced "Beckett."

Robert got to his feet and Johanna hurried to his side as he approached the doctor. "Is my son alright?" Robert asked; a touch of worry suddenly present in his eyes.

"He'll be fine," the doctor assured. "He has a concussion and a hairline crack in one rib. He also has some minor bruises and abrasions. He's going to be sore for awhile but he'll be fine. We're going to keep him overnight for observation in light of the concussion but barring any complications, we'll release him some time in the morning."

Relief coursed through Johanna's body, making the knot in her stomach unravel as she expelled a heavy breath. "Can we see him?" Robert asked.

The doctor's gaze flicked to Johanna and then back to Robert. "Family only."

"She's family," Robert stated. "She's his wife."

The doctor glanced to Johanna's left hand, noting her bare ring finger. "I took my rings off while washing the dishes," she lied. "I must've left them on the counter."

"Jimmy's told you about that," Robert stated somewhat firmly in effort to play up her lie.

"I know," she murmured; sounding like a chastened housewife.

The doctor seemed to buy their story. "I'll have a nurse take you back to him once we have him settled in a room."

Robert shook the man's hand and thanked him and then pulled Johanna into a hug. "See, I told you he'd be fine."

"Thank God," she whispered.

He released her and smiled. "Now we just have to wait a few more minutes and then we can see for ourselves that he's fine."

Johanna was suddenly unsure about seeing him and she took a step back from Robert as she ran her hand through her hair. "I don't know if I should go back there," she said softly. "He might not want to see me."

"I'm sure that isn't true."

"You're forgetting that he's mad at me."

Robert shook his head. "I have a strong feeling that you're just the person he wants right now…and being that I lied to get you in, you're going in…even if I have to drag you."

"You wouldn't."

"I would," he remarked. "I mean how would it look if Jimmy's wife didn't go to his side."

She smirked at him. "You're going to get me in more trouble than I'm already in with him."

"I highly doubt that and I'll make sure he knows that your marriage was my idea."

Johanna sighed in resignation. "Fine; I'll go back there with you."

Robert smiled. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Are you comfortable, Mr. Beckett?" the nurse asked as she checked his vital signs.

"I'd be more comfortable at home," he replied.

"We'll send you home in the morning," the doctor said as he entered the room. "I spoke to your family; the nurse will bring your father and your wife in to be with you as soon as she has you settled."

"My wife?" Jim repeated.

Concern spread across the doctor's features and he moved to the bedside to check his pupils. "Are you experiencing any memory loss, Mr. Beckett?"

"No," he exclaimed.

"You do have a wife, don't you? You seem surprised at the mention."

Jim figured there was only one woman who would pose as his wife with his father's blessing. "I was just surprised that she's here; we had an argument before I left on my business trip. She was mad at me."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure; medium height, thin, dark hair and green eyes?"

The doctor nodded. "That matches the description of the woman waiting with your father."

Jim smiled; the lie coming easily to his lips. "That's the Mrs."

The doctor seemed satisfied and he directed the nurse to send in the family.

Jim glanced up at the ceiling once he was alone. He wasn't surprised that Johanna would lie and say she was his wife to gain access…but he was surprised that she had come. He wouldn't have blamed her if she hadn't…after all she wasn't obligated to be there. He had hurt her…he had unfairly accused her and blamed her…more than that; he had been an ass…again. He sighed; he had wanted to talk to her before leaving town but there hadn't been time. The change of venue for the case came at the last moment, leaving them all scrambling. He, Phil and Jeff had to pack and get moving…but he had thought of her the entire time.

They needed to talk; he needed to apologize. During the accident there had been that fear that he might not get to see her again. But he was going to be fine…and she was there. He didn't know what he was going to say; especially with his father in the room with them…he'd have to play it carefully. Jim blew out a breath; wincing as he did so and allowed that infamous morning to replay in his mind.

Jim woke the next morning with a pounding head and a dry mouth. He groaned as he turned away from the sunlight filtering through the curtains. The events of the night before were hazy and he struggled to make sense of them amid flashes of a dream that he'd had about Johanna. He tried to focus, but his mind stubbornly wanted to stick to that dream above all else; not that he could blame it. He'd had dreams about her before…dreams that left him wondering if he'd be able to look her in the eye at work that day without thinking of them but somehow he managed.

There was something different about this dream though, he mused as he laid still instead of getting up. It hadn't gone as far as others…and it had seemed so very real…as if he could still feel smooth skin and lace beneath his fingertips. The smell of strawberries and light floral perfume hit his nose as he pressed his cheek against the other pillow and his brow furrowed in confusion. Those were Johanna's scents…but that was impossible…wasn't it? Jim turned away but the scent followed and he pulled his shirt away from his chest and sniffed it. Her scent was there…on him…in his bed. Panic raced through him as he sat up; swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He hadn't done what he thought he did…did he?

As he stood in the bathroom, trying to make himself feel human again, he began to piece things together…and by the time he had finished, he remembered nearly everything and he didn't feel very human. He felt like some type of ogre for crawling all over her and touching her the way he had; the things he had said and the way he had pressured her to sleep with him…and there was a spark of anger at her for allowing him to do it. She had to have known how embarrassed he'd be by his behavior. Jim scrubbed his hands over his face roughly; he was just glad she was gone because the last thing he wanted right now was to see her. As he stepped out of the bathroom and into the hallway, he smelled the scent of eggs cooking and fresh coffee, which only went to prove that the universe really was against him.

Jim trudged toward the kitchen; angry with himself and Johanna; and with Jeff for putting them in this situation. Why Jeff thought it was wise to involve Johanna was beyond him. As he stepped into the doorway of the kitchen, he caught sight of her at the stove, tending a skillet full of scrambled eggs; dressed in the skirt and blouse she had been wearing in what he had thought was a dream and was now a real life nightmare of embarrassment.

"What are you doing here?" he asked sharply, causing her to jump in surprise before she found her composure and turned toward him.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," she replied; "And I figured that you wouldn't be feeling too well so I thought I'd make sure you had breakfast and coffee."

He wasn't exactly sure how to broach the topic of what had happened but then he caught sight of the purplish mark at the side of her neck and anger flooded him as a flash of memory came to mind of his mouth on that very spot. "Shouldn't you have covered that up?" Jim asked tartly.

Johanna looked at him oddly. "You don't cover scrambled eggs while you're cooking them; and besides, they're done."

"I'm not talking about the eggs, Johanna."

"Then what are you talking about?" she asked as she split the eggs between two plates which already held toast.

"The mark on your neck," he stated as she put the skillet aside.

Her hand flew to the side of her neck; a blush spreading across her cheeks. "I didn't know I had one."

"You expect me to believe that?" Jim asked as he snatched the coffee pot just as she was about to grasp it, and fixed his own cup of coffee.

"I don't care if you believe it or not," she replied; setting the plates on the table and then taking a seat. "It's the truth."

"How could you let it happen, Johanna?" he demanded to know; his tone rising and causing him to wince as he sat down as well.

"Let what happen? The mark on my neck…it's not the first one you've given me."

"You know what I mean. How could you let me come on to you like that? How could you let me talk to you that way?"

Johanna sighed as she swallowed a bite of eggs. "Jim; it wasn't as big of a deal as you seem to think."

"Really?" he asked incredulously; "You don't think so? You don't think it's a big deal that I was trying to undress you?"

"You didn't undress me…it was just a few buttons."

"Why did you let it get to that point?!"

"Nothing happened, Jim! I stopped us."

"Not soon enough," he retorted. "I can't believe you let me do that to you."

Johanna eyed him. "It's not like you haven't touched me before, you know. I remember a picnic in Maryland when you had your hands inside my shirt; and you've had your hands on my thigh before too…in fact I remember a few hotel rooms on that vacation too"

"That was different in Maryland."

"How do you figure?"

"Because I wasn't trying to have sex with you that time."

Her brow rose. "You weren't? Because I have to tell you, I thought it was headed there before that cop showed up."

"It's too bad he didn't show up last night," he said bitterly.

"Okay, fine; how about Albany?" she asked. "You were definitely trying to sleep with me that night."

"That was different too."

"Was it? I knew what you wanted…we've pushed that line several times and you know it."

"I wasn't drunk those times."

"Come on, Jim," she said softly; "Let's not make a big deal out of it. You were drunk; you said you wanted to kiss me and I let you and things got carried away for a very brief amount of time. It didn't go further than a few undone buttons; we stopped."

"I tried to make you."

"You did not; you didn't force me to do anything, you didn't hurt me…all you did was try to convince me for a minute but you didn't hesitate to stop when I told you we couldn't."

"What if I hadn't stopped, Johanna? I was drunk; what if I hadn't taken no for an answer; what would you have done then?"

"Jim; you took no for an answer and I never feared for a moment that you wouldn't. You'd never hurt me no matter what state you were in; but if you had tried, I would've hit you and left…and I'm still here so apparently you didn't do anything that offended me."

He scoffed. "What's that say about you, Jo?"

"Excuse me?" she asked tartly.

"I think you should be offended. It's one thing when we're both sober; it's another when one of us isn't. Look at the things I said."

"What did you say that was so bad?"

"You know what I said!"

"What? About sex? Big deal, we talked about sex; it isn't like we haven't had innuendo laced conversations before."

"That wasn't innuendo."

Johanna sighed once more. "You're right it wasn't; it was more like a regular conversation. I told you I had a lousy first time, and reminded you that you know about the rest of my past; and you bragged about yourself like a typical man. No harm done; and you if you'll recall, we have talked about sex before…without the innuendo so I don't see what the issue is here. Or is the issue the part about you saying you wanted me that bothers you so much? Is it really so terrible to want me, Jim?"

"It is when I'm drunk."

"Look; I think my drunken escapade is far worse than yours; I mean I asked for marriage and children; you only asked for sex. Mine's worse but I'm willing to call it even if it'll make you feel better."

"It's not funny, Johanna; and yours isn't worse."

"Jim," she said softly; moving to lay her hand on his but he jerked his hand away as if he had been burned.

"I just can't believe you," he said with a shake of his head. "I thought you had more respect for yourself than to allow some drunk to be all over you like that."

The remark stung but she forced herself not to react. "It wasn't some drunk; it was you…and it wasn't anything we hadn't done before…and it didn't go anywhere because we stopped; and if we stopped a little later than we should have, who cares? All that matters is that nothing more happened; and I do respect myself and I resent you saying other wise."

"At least when you were drunk I had the decency to leave once you were asleep."

Suddenly the bite of food she had taken tasted like sawdust in her mouth and she had to force herself to swallow. "You asked me to stay."

"You asked me to stay too, Johanna; but I didn't; I allowed you to have your dignity in the morning by waking up alone. So why the hell did you stay?"

She swallowed hard. "Because you asked me to…and I was tired; I had a very long day. I had just walked in the door when Jeff called and I…I just figured it would be okay if I stayed because I've stayed before."

"Well it wasn't. Nothing about this is okay and I can't believe that you think it is; and nothing you say is going to change my mind. It might've been nothing more than what we've done before…but I knew what I was doing those times and I didn't last night…but you did; and you let it go on and that makes it worse."

She felt cheap and dirty beneath his disapproving gaze and she didn't know how to fix this wrong that he seemed to think she had committed. Tears stung her eyes as she lifted her gaze back to his. "Do you want me to leave?" she asked softly.

He nodded slowly as he held her gaze. "Yeah; I want you to leave…I don't want you here right now."

Johanna bobbed her head in response and then rose from the table; struggling to keep her tears at bay as she left the kitchen. She grabbed her jacket and purse from the sofa and then moved quickly to the door; shutting it quietly behind her as she let herself out.

Jim listened to the click of the door shutting and then stared at the abandoned plate across from him. Somehow it felt like a part of himself had suddenly gone missing. Regret welled within him…the thought that maybe he was making too big of a deal out of things lingered in the back of his mind but he pushed it aside…it didn't change anything, he was still angry…at everyone involved.

The door of his room opened, pulling Jim from his memories. His head turned in the direction of the door in time to see his father stepping into the room…tugging Johanna along behind him. Apparently she had second thoughts about seeing him, Jim thought to himself. He couldn't say that he blamed her; she probably worried about the reception she'd get from him.

"Jimmy, are you all right?" Robert asked as he approached the bed; Johanna's wrist slipping from his grasp, allowing her to lag behind.

"Wonderful," he said sarcastically but a smile softened the remark.

"Are you trying to give me another heart attack?" his father asked.

"No; I don't want you having any more of those…and I sure as hell don't to be the blame for one."

"What happened?" Robert demanded to know.

"I don't know, Dad. Phil was driving but it wasn't his fault. I guess it was one of those chain reaction accidents and we ended up in the middle of it. It happened kind of quickly."

Robert patted his hand. "I guess the details don't really matter. All that matters to me is that you're okay, son. I'm grateful for that."

"Me too; but I still might not ride with Phil for awhile."

"Are you in any pain?" Robert asked.

"Only when I think of the bill," Jim replied; he had an IV with a very mild painkiller in it so he wasn't hurting badly enough to bother mentioning it.

Johanna shifted on her feet in the background, wondering if she should slip out the door and go home now that she knew he was fine. It seemed like a good idea…he hadn't acknowledged her. He probably didn't want her there; it wasn't her place. She inched back to the door, taking care to keep her heels from clacking against the floor as Jim talked to his father. She had her hand on the door handle when Jim's voice called out to her.

"Where are you going, Jo?" he asked.

Johanna froze; a beat of silence following before she turned to look at him. "Home," she answered.

"Why?"

"Your dad's here, you don't need me. I'll come back tomorrow or something."

"They're sending me home tomorrow."

"Then I'll see you when you come back to work," she replied. "I'm glad you're okay though."

Johanna turned away once again and it was clear to him that she felt unwanted there. "You know, a good wife would be fawning over me right now," he remarked.

"That wife thing wasn't my idea," she said; her back still to him.

"That's all on me, Jimmy," Robert confirmed.

"So you don't want to be my pretend wife anymore?" Jim asked; a note in his tone that spoke only to her.

Johanna turned slowly. "I thought maybe you'd want a divorce."

He kept his gaze trained on her. "No…I don't want a divorce. Maybe you do."

She shook her head. "I don't think I want to upset my grandmother with a divorce. We're Catholic, you know."

Jim smiled. "Then I guess we better stick with it."

She managed a small smile. "If you're sure you want to."

"I'm sure…do you want to come closer or do I have to admire you from a distance?"

Robert moved around the bed and sat down in a chair; allowing himself a smile as he watched Johanna move closer, slipping into the place he had just vacated. He leaned back in his chair, content to observe for a little while.

Jim felt his heart speed up a little at the sight of her…clad in his old jacket, he noted, and he smiled. "I like this bad ass look you have going on, Sassy."

She gave short soft laugh. "Is that right?"

"Yeah…you should dress like this more often."

"I don't know about that; I got lectured for it in the waiting room."

Jim cut a sharp look at his father. "Don't look at me!" Robert exclaimed. "I didn't lecture her; I told her she looked fine."

"Who lectured you?" he asked her.

"Some old woman in the waiting room."

"Did you tell her off?"

"Kind of," she smiled.

Jim grinned. "That's my Sassy."

Johanna laughed. "Is the medicine kicking in?"

"A little but what they gave me is mild; they want me to stay awake."

"Standard procedure with head injuries," Robert remarked; "And God knows you boys have collected enough concussions and broken bones to make me an expert on the topic."

Jim glanced to Johanna. "This is where I'm supposed to apologize for my childhood."

"No apologies necessary," his father stated. "I wouldn't trade any of you for anything."

"Not even season tickets for the Yankees?" Jim asked.

Robert thought for a moment. "Which child are those tickets up against?"

"Me."

"No contest; I'd keep you, son."

"What about William?"

Once again Robert pondered the situation. "Would your mother have to know?"

Jim laughed and then winced. "Maybe now isn't the time for humor."

Johanna's hand curled around his. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he replied; giving her hand a squeeze. "Does anyone know how Phil and Jeff are?"

"Sharon was on the phone with me when the doctor came out to talk to her and Phil's mother so I don't know how he is. I haven't seen her anywhere. I saw Maggie before the nurse came to get us. She said that Jeff's going to be fine."

"Is he hurt badly?"

Johanna smiled. "No, it's not bad; apparently you two have matching concussions…just the way it should be for two best friends such as you and Jeff."

"Any other injuries?"

"Cuts and bruises as far as I know. He's asked his mother to make him some soup and to do his laundry…and there was some mention of popsicles for some reason. Maggie's a little put out by this; she wanted to make him soup and do his laundry."

He allowed himself a soft laugh. "Nothing against Maggie but his mother does make a very nice soup."

"Do you want me to go see if she'll save you a bowl?"

Jim met her eye. "Does that mean you're not going to make any?"

"I wasn't aware that soup was a cure for a concussion."

"It's not…but it doesn't hurt."

She sighed as she shook her head at him. "What kind do you want?"

"You make a very nice vegetable soup."

"Fine; I'll make you soup if it'll make you feel better."

He smiled. "It will…do you want to do my laundry too…you know, since you're my wife after all."

She smirked at him. "I believe we had that discussion before; if you want laundry service, it has to be a real marriage."

"Shame on you, Jimmy," Robert stated.

"It was worth a shot…especially since you arranged our marriage, Dad."

"No need to thank me, son; just give me a grandchild or two and we'll call it even."

"Maybe I should go home," Johanna commented.

Robert chuckled. "No; no need for that. We'll drop that line of conversation."

Silence fell and with it came a bit of awkwardness. Their subtle conversation about not ending their relationship had only paved the way for easing that initial worry of being unwanted on Johanna's part. They still needed to talk…they needed to get past the elephant in the room that was making itself known.

Dawn was breaking outside the hospital windows and Robert had fallen asleep in his chair. The quiet small talk between Jim and Johanna had faded into silence several minutes before as it was getting more difficult to tip toe around the issue between them. Jim felt restless; he was tired of laying in bed when he wasn't allowed to go to sleep. He sat up slowly and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Johanna was out of her chair in an instant, he hands pressing against his shoulders as she tried to make him lay back down.

"You're supposed to be lying down," she said softly to keep from disturbing Robert.

"I'm tired of laying down," he grumbled quietly as his hands circled her waist and pulled her to stand between his legs. He needed her as close as possible; needed to feel her touch, although the fluttering of her slender hands told him that she was unsure if she should allow her hands to rest against his shoulders or not. He smiled at her, his hands sliding around her waist and interlocking at the small of her back. She seemed to get the message as she smiled softly in response, her hands stilling against his shoulders.

"Why didn't you wait until tomorrow morning to head back?" Johanna finally allowed herself to ask.

"Phil wanted to spend the weekend with Sharon," he replied; "And Jeff wanted to get back to Maggie…I wanted to see you."

"Me?"

"Yeah…I was hoping that we'd get back early enough that I could catch you before you went to bed; but we hit a lot of traffic…and worse."

"A lot worse," she remarked. "You really didn't have to go through so much trouble to see me."

Jim gave her an amused smile and then turned serious. "I was surprised that you came."

Her eyes met his. "Did you really think I wouldn't?"

"I wouldn't have blamed you."

Johanna shook her head. "Nothing could keep me away…not even the thought that you might not want me here."

"I want you here," he murmured in assurance.

Her hand lifted away from his shoulder, her fingertips skimming along the small cuts and bruises on his face. "It's not as bad as it looks," he told her.

All of the feelings that she had been holding back surged to the surface and her eyes filled with tears.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I was so scared," Johanna whispered.

Jim carefully tugged her into his arms and she embraced him cautiously; being mindful of his injuries. "Me too," he murmured as he nuzzled her hair, breathing in the familiar scent of her strawberry shampoo.

She clung to him; forcing herself to cry quietly to keep from disturbing Robert. "I was so afraid that you might…I was just so scared."

"I know…the whole time it was happening…all I could think about was you."

"You thought of me?" she sniffled as she pulled back from him, her hands returning to his shoulders as she remained in the circle of his arms.

Jim gave a slight nod. "I just kept thinking of you…and how I hadn't gotten to tell you how sorry I was. If worst was coming to worst, I didn't want you to be left with that last memory…I didn't want things to be left that way between us."

"I kept thinking about it too," Johanna said softly. "The whole time I was sitting out there it just kept replaying in my mind and all I could think about was that we hadn't talked in days…and I…"

"I know," he whispered.

A quiet sob tore from her throat as his thumb rubbed against her back. "I just wanted to go back and redo everything about that night and morning," she told him. "I wished that I could just make it all go away."

"I wished it too…but we can't. All I can do is tell you how sorry I am, Johanna."

She shook her head. "It was my fault. I shouldn't have stayed…better yet; I should've told Jeff that I couldn't come."

"It wasn't your fault," he replied. "It was mine…It wasn't you, Jo. It was me. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I did," she insisted. "I did a lot of things wrong. I let things get carried away for a minute and then I fell asleep next to you when I should've gone home."

"I asked you to stay," he reminded her.

"I know…but you were drunk…and like you said, it wasn't okay. You've always left me alone when I was drunk; I should've done the same."

For some reason, hearing the words 'you always left me alone' struck him in the same way those tiny shards of glass had nicked his face in the accident. "Maybe I was wrong to do that," he commented.

"No; I didn't mean it like that. I understand why you didn't stay those times and I should've known that just because I had stayed at your apartment before wasn't a good enough excuse to stay this time. I could've waited for you to go to sleep and then slipped out. If I had; you might not have remembered the rest…or it would've been easier for you to pretend that you didn't."

"The problem wasn't you; it was me," Jim stated. "For starters I'm not the nicest person in the world when I have a hangover. Second; I was still mad at my brother, for a lot of things, but especially what he said about you."

"He was drunk," she replied. "It didn't matter."

"It matters to me; no one's going to talk about you like that and get away with it."

She gave him a small smile. "He didn't get away with it."

"I know; but I was still mad…and remembering how I acted once we got home made me feel like I was…"

"That you were what?"

"Like I was trying to make you into what he said; and I wasn't, I swear I wasn't, but I couldn't help thinking that I had just defended you and then minutes later I'm all over you."

"It wasn't like that," she whispered. "It was just a kiss that turned into a little more…but nothing more than usual. You didn't do anything I didn't want."

"I still felt bad though…I felt like I had no business touching you after what William said."

"William doesn't matter. I don't care about him or what he said. You didn't do anything that upset me or offended me…if you had I would've left."

"I know; but it didn't make me feel any better…and I guess I was ashamed that you had to see me like that…at my worst at the bar…and somewhat uncontrollable at home."

Johanna raked her fingers through his hair. "Nothing about that night changed the way I look at you if that's what you're afraid of. I'm pretty sure you've seen me at my worst…and I know you've heard me say things when I was drunk that I wish I hadn't said…do you think less of me for it?"

"No; of course not."

"Then why would it matter to me?"

"I don't know…I guess it just mattered to me and being angry at you was easier than being angry at myself. I regretted it as soon as I sent you away…I wanted to come after you but I couldn't. When Michael told me that he ran into you as you were leaving and took you home…and that you cried the whole way…I felt like maybe you were better off without me."

"I'm not," Johanna whispered as she held his gaze; her fingertips gently caressing his face. "You don't know how much I hated myself for letting it happen."

"It's not your fault," he assured, his hand cupping her cheek and drawing her closer, an insatiable need to claim her lips overtaking him. He kissed her with a mixture of tenderness and passion; of longing and apology.

Their kiss lingered, turning into several more, both of them unaware that Robert had stirred and woke several minutes before. He feigned sleep, not wanting to interrupt their reunion…their talk and apparently the necessary make up kiss. He smiled to himself; glad that they were working things out but he wished that they'd say the words they really needed to; that they'd look at this accident as a reason to quit putting off what they wanted. Robert sighed softly; apparently a concussion wasn't enough to knock sense into his boy's head…and clearly his prodding wasn't enough to spur Johanna into action either.

Johanna was the first to return to her senses; remembering that they weren't alone in the room, even if Robert was asleep…and knew her secret. She gently leaned her forehead against Jim's for a moment as she caught her breath; her fingers curling around his.

"Do you forgive me?" Jim asked quietly.

"Don't I always?"

"You might not one day."

"Today isn't the day…not about something like this. I feel just as responsible for it as you do and I am sorry, Jim; and I know you don't think I need to apologize but I feel like I do."

"You're right, I don't think you need to apologize for anything…but if it'll make you feel better, I'll accept it anyway."

"It would make me feel better," she replied.

"Then all's forgiven, sweetheart…can we put it behind us?"

"Yes; that's all I've wanted for days."

"We're okay again?" Jim asked.

"Yeah," she nodded.

"I'm glad," he murmured; tiredness sweeping over him and leading him to lean his head against her chest; his ear resting against her heartbeat.

Johanna's fingers slipped into his hair once more; enjoying the feel of him leaning on her for a change. "We keep having these stupid little fights, Jim," she murmured.

He hated to admit to it but he knew there was truth in the statement. "I know…I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry…we just need to find a way to stop doing it."

"We'll try harder…we'll try to talk it out when we have an issue instead of losing our tempers."

A soft amused laugh crossed her lips. "I'm not sure that's possible when it comes to us…we both have tempers."

"I know…both of us are more apt to arguing first and discussing it later."

"Maybe it's an occupational hazard," Johanna quipped.

He smiled; his head still resting against her. "Maybe so. We'll just try to do better."

"I agree," she replied quietly; but she couldn't help thinking that it might take more than that. He wasn't in any condition to hash out solutions though; she could feel his weight sagging against her. His injuries might be minor but they were no less exhausting to him. "You should lay back down," she prodded.

He didn't fight her, although he hated to move his head. She helped him lay back in the bed and pulled the sheet up over him. "I can't wait to go to sleep," he told her.

"I know, honey," she replied; her fingers gently brushing along his forehead; being careful of the bandage above his right eye.

"I hate not feeling like myself."

"You'll feel better in no time," Johanna assured. "I'll take care of you."

Jim smiled. "Sweetheart, that's the best news I've heard in days."

She brushed a kiss against his cheek. "Don't you worry; I'll get you better."

"I'm not worried at all," he replied; his gaze locking on hers as he caught hold of her hand and held it. He'd gladly resign himself to her care.

Robert forced himself to keep his eyes shut and the smile off his lips…maybe they'd figure it out after all…he sure did hope so.

A little after noon, Johanna glanced around Jim's table, an amused smile tugging at her lips as she watched Jim and Robert scrape their bowls. "Was it up to your standards?" she asked as Jim met her gaze.

"It was great," he replied as he scraped his bowl once more. "Will there be some for later?"

Johanna nodded. "I made sure to make enough for leftovers."

"Good; that was very smart of you."

"This was very good soup," Robert remarked. "You're a wonderful cook."

"Thank you; I'm glad you liked it."

"The only reason he stuck around was to eat my soup," Jim declared.

"Johanna told me I could," his father replied. "I had to stay while she went to the store for you."

"For a man who likes to eat as much as you do, you'd think that you'd buy groceries more often," Johanna remarked.

"I was going to go shopping," he replied. "I just hadn't gotten around to it…but now that you've done it for me, I'm good for awhile."

"He was probably hoping all along that you'd come by and go grocery shopping for him," Robert commented.

"I wouldn't doubt it; he did hand over his money and car keys without hesitation."

Jim smirked at her. "You know you liked taking my car and doing the shopping."

She smiled but didn't confirm or deny his assumption. "I bet you're glad it was Phil's car that got bashed in and not your Renee," she replied.

Jim gave a slight nod. "I am very grateful that Renee was safe at home. We'd be having a period of mourning right now if it had been my Camaro."

Johanna nodded in agreement. "I'd have to break out my black dress."

"Damn right."

Robert chuckled. "I'm glad Renee is still with us; I don't know how we'd stand your devastation if it had been your Camaro, Jimmy."

A thought occurred to Johanna and she spoke it aloud. "Jim's Camaro is Renee, Andrew's Mustang is Beverly…what's your car named, Robert?"

The older man smiled. "Her name is Zelda."

"Zelda?" she laughed.

"That's after his Model-T he had when he started driving," Jim quipped.

Robert shot his son a playful glare. "Boy; you're lucky you're injured."

Jim laughed. "What? Model-T's are what they had when you started driving right?"

"No!"

"You mean you started with a horse and buggy?" he teased. "It's no wonder you love westerns; they remind you of your youth."

"That's it," Robert declared as Johanna laughed; "When you get better, we're going out to the garage."

"For what?" Jim asked; doing his best not to laugh too much in deference to his ribs. "You have a box that holds the remains of your Model-T and you want to show me?"

"No; I'm going to take you out there and give you some tough love," his father replied with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

"What was your first car, Robert?" Johanna asked.

"A Packard," he answered.

She giggled. "My grandfather had one of those…he was still driving it when I was a kid."

"Dad; I can't tell you how disappointed I am. I expected better from you than a Packard," Jim teased.

"I think I'm going to take both of you kids out to the garage for some tough love," he remarked.

"Just don't use a belt," Johanna told him. "That hurts."

"Did your father use a belt on you?" Robert asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, when he felt we were bad enough to deserve it."

"I never used a belt on my kids; I always figured a few cracks across the backside with my hand was enough to get the point across."

"It did," Jim confirmed. "But I still think you should've done it to Madelyn more…in the name of fairness."

"She wasn't as bad as you boys."

"That's what she wanted you to think," he remarked. "Really she was worse…she just pinned the blame on us and you bought it."

Robert grinned and shook his head. "I don't think we want to go into all of that; especially in front of Johanna. I will tell you though that I named my car after my first love."

Jim's eyes widened. "What?"

"Whatever happened to her?" Johanna asked; her interest piqued.

"She moved away," Robert said wistfully. "I was heartbroken."

"Does Mom know about this?" Jim asked.

"No; I didn't feel the need to inform her. Zelda was long before her."

"What kind of name was Zelda?" he asked.

"I don't know and it didn't matter," his father replied. "All that mattered was that she owned my heart."

"How long were you together?" Johanna inquired.

"Just for junior year of high school…she was something," he replied with a smile.

"Apparently so," Jim remarked. "But why name a Chevy Impala after her?"

"Simple," Robert replied; "My Impala is red…Zelda had beautiful red hair; not the overly bright kind of red; a dark red…and pretty blue eyes…a few cute little freckles on the bridge of her nose. She was beautiful and exciting…just like my Impala is sleek and beautiful."

"That's sweet," Johanna stated.

"I don't know how I feel about this," Jim remarked. "Mom's been riding around in a car named after another woman."

Robert shrugged. "She doesn't know…and it just gives me a little secret smile. You know she thinks it's ridiculous to name cars anyway; she doesn't give it any deep thought."

"I guess not; she doesn't realize you're thinking of another woman when you're behind the wheel."

"It's not like that," Robert chastened. "Every man has a first love before he finds the one that sticks. I have fond memories of Zelda. I hope wherever she is she has fond memories of me; but my heart belongs to that prickly rose I married; everyone knows it."

"I didn't name my car after my first love."

"It's a good thing," Johanna remarked. "I met her when we were on vacation if you recall…I would've insisted that you change the name of your car."

Robert grinned; pleased at the note in Johanna's tone as she addressed his son.

"I wouldn't name a dog after Mandy, let alone a car," Jim remarked.

"That's good to know."

"And I want it on record that you're the only woman who has ever been allowed to drive Renee," he added.

A soft smile touched her lips. "Really?"

"Yeah…I don't trust just anyone, you know…we drive around a lot together; it's kind of like she's partly yours too," he told her; his tone quiet but sincere, his eyes locked on hers.

"That's so sweet," she murmured.

Robert could feel the atmosphere changing and he knew it was time to leave and let them get back to their reconciliation. "Jimmy; I'm going to head out," he said as he rose from his chair. "I'm leaving you in good hands."

Jim rose gingerly; his body beginning to feel the aches and pains of the accident. "I'm sure she'll be a strict nurse," he told his father.

"Strict but loving," Robert remarked; his gaze sliding toward Johanna. She looked like she was holding her breath, as if she feared that he was about to share her secret. He gave her a wink and leaned towards her, pressing a fatherly kiss to the top of her head. "Don't let him get away with anything, Johanna."

"I won't," she smiled. "It was nice seeing you, Robert."

"You too, honey," he replied before carefully embracing his son. "Jimmy; don't get into any more trouble like this; it's hell on the nerves."

"I'll do my best, Dad."

Johanna began to clear the table as Jim walked his father to the door. When he returned she could see the weariness that he had been hiding from Robert. "Are you starting to feel it?" she asked softly.

"Yeah; I'm getting achy."

She grabbed the pharmacy bag from the counter and took out the bottle of pills the doctor had prescribed. "You should take one of these," she told him as she opened the bottle.

"I hate to do it but you're probably right," he answered as he took the pill from her palm.

Johanna grabbed his cup from the table and filled it with water for him. "Thank you," he said as he accepted the cup. He swallowed the pain pill and handed the glass back to her.

She sat the glass aside, her hand reaching out and caressing his face. "You should get some rest."

He captured her wrist as she lowered her hand, holding it captive as he pressed a kiss to her palm before tugging her closer. "You really forgive me?" he asked quietly.

"I'm here aren't I?"

"Yeah, but…"

"I forgive you; Jim…we already hashed that out. We don't need to go into it anymore."

She was right, he thought to himself…what he really needed was to kiss her again; and with that thought in mind he dipped his head and kissed her softly.

His kiss left her breathless…and some quiet spot of her heart ached without permission; longing sweeping through her. She wasn't going to be able to hold out against him much longer…no matter what had or hadn't been said. She wanted to cross that line…wanted him to make love to her; not solely for the sake of satisfying the desire but because she loved him, and if she couldn't say it, well then she could show it…and she could have that deeper intimacy that came with it; but that would have to wait for a better time; now wasn't it.

"I'm glad you didn't stay away," Jim murmured in her ear. "All I wanted was to see you."

Johanna brushed her lips against his. "Like I told you; nothing could keep me away…you being mad at me didn't change the way I feel…nothing can."

"I hope that'll always be true."

"I can't see it ever being any other way…I know we have these little rocky moments at times lately and I can't really explain them but it never changes how I feel about you."

"It doesn't change the way I feel about you either," he replied as he brushed a kiss against her cheek.

Johanna's fingertips grazed his jaw once more; seeing how tired he was. "You need to sleep, honey."

"Are you going to be here when I wake up?"

"Is it going to be a problem if I am?"

"No; it would only be a problem if you weren't."

"I'll be here," she smiled as she took his hand and gently tugged him along with her; leading him to his bedroom where she pulled back the covers for him.

Jim got into his bed without hesitation; tiredness overwhelming him along with the aches in his body that he hoped the medication would dull. Johanna pulled the covers up over him and he gave her a sleepy grin. "Tucking me in?"

"Yes," she said with a soft laugh. "You rest now."

"If you're tucking me in then you also have to kiss me goodnight," he remarked.

"Didn't we already do that?"

"One more never hurts."

She shook her head at him but didn't hesitate to press a kiss against his lips. "Sweet dreams," she told him. "I'll have to wake you in a little while to check on you. I don't want to hear any grumbling."

"I promise, sweetheart," he murmured.

Johanna combed her fingers through his hair as she remained perched on the side of the bed. She was so thankful that he was okay…she didn't know what she would've done if he hadn't been. A lump formed in her throat; maybe that wasn't true…she would've been devastated; her life an endless loop of what ifs…a cloud of blackness would've wrapped around her. Her heart would've had a hole the size of a fist in it. She shook off the thought as she felt tears sting her eyes. Jim was fine; he was right there; falling asleep as she threaded her fingers through his hair.

"You okay?" Jim asked; his voice tinged with sleep.

"Yeah; I'm okay," she answered as she rose to her feet.

She didn't really seem like it to him; he thought as he carefully scooted over and lifted the blanket in invitation. "Lay down," he murmured. "You're tired."

"I need to clean up the kitchen and get things put away."

He stretched, wincing as he did so, but he managed to capture her hand and give it a tug. "You need to be here."

Maybe that was true, Johanna thought to herself as she looked at the spot he had made next to him. Her heart overruled her brain and she slipped into bed beside him with little hesitation. Jim shifted a little, wrapping an arm around her and tucking her against his uninjured side. "This is better, isn't it?" he asked.

"Much," she whispered; her arm moving to lay across his waist as she breathed in his scent. Being close to him again was just what she needed…and yet it wasn't enough either. She tried to push the thought aside as Jim's breathing evened out and sleep claimed him. She needed more…she wanted more. The fear was still there but the need was becoming greater. Robert was right; it did eat at her…and sometimes when she was so lonely for him and wishing that he was there to fill the void next to her when she was in her bed, it did keep her awake at night. Maybe Sharon was right too, maybe the day was coming…she just hoped Jim was ready when it did.

Johanna lingered there for several more minutes; her mind swirling with thoughts and feelings that she wished she could silence for a little while but she couldn't. She carefully extracted herself from Jim's side and quietly got of bed. It was best for her to be busy; the kitchen needed cleaned up and the dishes washed, that would do the trick but she paused at the doorway and glanced back at his sleeping form. "I love you," she whispered so softly that barely any sound at all crossed her lips. She stood there a moment longer; making sure his sleep hadn't been disturbed before finally leaving the room. Maybe her 'one day' was coming sooner than she thought.

A/N: Up next; we're taking that trip to Atlantic City mentioned in Apologize!