A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 40 – The Heart Wants What It Wants – Part 1
Johanna sat alone at a table in a back room reserved for parties at an upscale club. The place was crowded and she was grateful to be off her feet for awhile. There was a paper plate in front of her, holding the crumbs of a slice of cake she had already eaten…and she was contemplating a second piece. It wasn't that she was hungry; she just suddenly felt the need for the kind of comfort that cake could bring. Her gaze traveled the room, searching for Jim who was supposed to be bringing her a cold drink. She couldn't find him in the crowd, however, and she resigned herself to waiting a little longer and did her best to shake off that odd feeling of loneliness that crept over her.
Her gaze drifted to the front of the room where a 'Happy Birthday' banner was stretched across the wall. The party had originally been organized by Maggie for Jeff but then Claudia asked to join forces so they could celebrate Zach's birthday as well since the birthdays of the two men were only a few days apart. The birthday boys didn't seem to mind sharing the spotlight. Her eyes darted toward Jeff; his arm was still wrapped snugly around Maggie as it had been most of the night. They looked deliriously happy and so very in love. It was enough to make her turn her head; but that only afforded her a view of Zach and Claudia…and they couldn't look anymore in love if they tried, she thought to herself. She suppressed a groan and looked away, only to see Sally gazing adoringly at Sam Dennison. A look in the other direction afforded her a view of Sharon stealing a kiss from Phil. "Good lord," she muttered to herself; everywhere she looked she saw some happy couple…and it was starting to get to her.
It hadn't been so bad at first; the party had started off wonderfully. Everyone had mingled and there was dancing and a lot of fun. She had come with Jim and they had spent the majority of the evening together. He was attentive as usual and they were having a good time…but as the hours passed and the couples started sticking together more and more, she began to feel that yearning in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to be a couple…she wanted to be a couple with Jim.
Johanna blew out a breath, exactly a week before they had been in Atlantic City…locked in a hotel room together…ready to cross the line. And yet nothing had changed…and that was her fault. They still hadn't had their talk…and he hadn't mentioned anything about what had happened in Atlantic City…but neither had she. Sometimes she hated herself. She was going to have to find her backbone soon or continue to be tormented with the images of happy couples surrounding her while she went home alone every night. A disgusted breath crossed her lips just as a drink appeared in front of her.
"Sorry it took so long," Jim said as he sat down next to her. "There was a line."
"That's okay," she replied as she took a sip and then frowned. "This is Pepsi."
He nodded. "They don't have Coke."
"What kind of place doesn't have Coke?"
"This one," he replied. "I didn't think it would matter."
"You should know me better than that," she replied somewhat lightly.
"I do," Jim answered; his hand covering hers. "I'll share mine with you if the Pepsi is too distasteful to your Coke loyal taste buds."
She smiled. "And what do you have?"
"Mountain Dew."
Johanna wrinkled her nose in disgust. "No thanks."
Jim laughed. "I think you're a soda snob. You don't stick your nose up at alcoholic drinks like you do soda."
"I like my Coke and I like Sprite. Mountain Dew is disgusting and Pepsi doesn't do it for me."
He nodded. "Definitely a soda snob."
"I thought you were getting a beer."
"I was but then I decided not to. I had a couple earlier; I don't want to push my luck when I'm driving you."
"I appreciate that," she replied; "But you're nowhere near drunk. You're still very sober."
Jim grinned at her. "Are you disappointed? Were you hoping to get me drunk tonight?"
"No way; we had a problem with that the last time you drank too much."
"I still feel bad that," he admitted quietly.
She squeezed his hand. "Don't; it's behind us. I'm sorry I brought it up."
The music turned slow and he watched her as she gazed at the couples on the dance floor. "Do you want to dance some more?" he asked.
Johanna shook her head. "No, not really."
He studied her; seeing little signs that her demeanor had changed from earlier in the evening. "Are you okay, Jo?"
"Yeah, why?"
"You just seem a little quiet."
"It's nothing," she told him. "I guess I'm just winding down."
"Aren't you enjoying the party?"
"Yeah, I've been having a good time…but there's always that point when I'm ready to go home, you know what I mean?"
"Yeah; you told me about that before," he replied. "Do you want to go already?"
"I'm thinking about it, but you don't have to go with me. I'll get a cab and you can stay and enjoy the party some more."
"I can't do that."
"Sure you can," she smiled. "I won't be mad. I just feel like getting out of here. I want to go home and have a glass of wine and be able to hear myself think."
He laid his arm across the back of her chair; his thumb rubbing against the silky sleeve of her blouse. "Did someone upset you? Did I say something?"
"No, honey," she murmured as she allowed her fingertips to brush his face. "I'm just ready to leave; but you don't have to. If you want to though, you can always hang around with me for a little while. Either way is fine with me."
Jim liked the idea of spending some quiet time with her for the rest of the evening. It might give him a chance to turn it into something of a more romantic nature. Going home was a good idea; things often became very cozy when they were alone. "Come on," he told her as he took her hand. "Let's get out of here."
"Are you sure?"
He nodded. "I'm sure. It would be nice to have you all to myself for a little while."
Johanna smiled and rose from her chair, grabbing her purse as she did so. "Then let's go; I don't think we'll be missed."
"Everyone does seem to be pretty occupied," he agreed.
"Yeah; I noticed," she said flatly as they made their way to the door. She couldn't take another moment of watching happy couples sway together lovingly.
"Are you sure you're alright?"
"I'm fine; I just need some air," she assured; although she wasn't all that sure she was fine at all.
When they arrived back at her apartment, Johanna kicked her shoes off and headed for the kitchen. "Do you want a glass of wine?" she asked as he followed her.
"Sure," he replied.
She moved around the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of wine and handing it to him to open while she took two wine glasses down from the cupboard. Jim handed the open bottle back to her with a smile that she returned before turning and filling the glasses.
Jim moved into place behind her, his hands slipping around her waist as he brushed a kiss against her temple. "Did I tell you how pretty you look tonight?" he murmured in her ear.
She smiled as she took a sip of her wine. "You mentioned it but I find it hard to believe. I didn't put much effort into things tonight. I look more like I'm ready for work than a party."
He shook his head; pressing a kiss to her neck as his arms wrapped around her waist. "If you were going to work, you'd have a jacket on and you wouldn't wear this skirt," he told her, his gaze dipping to look down at her snug black lacy looking skirt that was a little shorter than her work skirts.
"There's the blouse though," she replied.
"I like it," he stated, a kiss brushing her cheek as his fingertips rubbed against the white silk. "I like you in silk."
"Do you?" she murmured.
"Mhmm; I like you in everything."
Johanna turned in his arms so that she could face him. "That's sweet of you to say."
"I wish you'd believe me when I tell you how beautiful you are."
A small smile curved her lips upwards. "You make me feel beautiful."
"Good," he replied; his lips skimming the line of her jaw. "I want you to always feel beautiful."
"Your drink is on the counter," she told him.
He smiled. "I don't need it right now; I have what I want."
"Is that right?"
He nodded; his gaze dropping to her lips. "Absolutely."
Johanna accepted Jim's kisses as always but somehow it didn't feel right this time. She wanted it and yet as his mouth left hers and moved to her neck, something began to well up inside of her. Ever since they had come back from Atlantic City, Jim seemed to be taking every opportunity to get them back to the place they had been that night when they had gotten interrupted. It was very clear that he wanted to move their relationship into the bedroom...but he had yet to make mention of promoting the status of their relationship. He hadn't uttered one word that would tell her how he really felt about her. It didn't look like tonight was going to be any different, Johanna mused as his lips continued on a fiery path down her throat and the open vee of her shirt. She had left Atlantic City knowing that they needed to talk…determined that she'd take a few days and get it together and then broach the topic. Every time she thought she was ready, she talked herself out of it. As she felt one of the buttons of her blouse giving way, she suddenly couldn't take this game anymore. The time had come…she wasn't going to talk herself out of it this time.
"No," she said, grabbing his hand as his fingers closed around a second button. "We can't do this."
Jim looked startled as he met her eye but his hands moved back to her waist. He shouldn't have pushed his luck like that, he figured. He had moved too fast. "Sorry," he murmured, dipping his head to recapture her lips in a kiss.
"No," Johanna replied, placing a hand against his chest and pushing him away.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asked; confusion and a twinge of hurt rippling through him. She had never pushed him away before.
Johanna raked a hand through her hair and leaned back against the counter, her fingers itching to reach for her abandoned glass of wine but if she stalled, she might never do what needed done. She licked her lips nervously and met his gaze. "Jim, what are we doing?" she asked softly.
He shrugged. "The same thing we always do."
She nodded. "The same thing we've been doing since the first time we kissed two years ago?"
"Yeah, I guess so...but I didn't realize you were counting," he said lightly.
Her heart ached and she frowned at his attempt at humor. "I...I don't think I can do it anymore."
Jim looked like he had been slapped as he silently stared at her. "Jo, I don't understand. If I did something that was out of line, I'm sorry, honey. Just tell me what it was and it won't ever happen again unless it's something you want."
Johanna shook her head, tears stinging her eyes. "It's nothing like that."
He moved closer once again, his hands cautiously cradling her waist. "Then what is it?"
She took a shaky breath and looked him in the eye. "I don't think I can be just your friend anymore, Jim."
He gave her a small smile. "Sweetheart, you haven't been just my friend for a long time."
"Don't make a joke out of this," she replied sharply. "I'm serious."
"So am I. You've been more than my friend for a long time."
Johanna scoffed. "I haven't been anything else either."
"Come on, sweetheart; don't say that," he murmured as he moved to kiss her again in hopes of derailing the conversation.
"I said no," she stated as she pushed him away again.
"Jo, what's gotten into you all of a sudden? What's this all about?"
"It's about how I don't want to play this game anymore!"
"What game? What are you talking about? What did I do?"
She gave a short laugh. "It's more like what you won't do."
"What is it that you want, Johanna?"
"You're not a stupid man, Jim...shouldn't you know by now?"
He threw up his hands in agitation. "Apparently I don't so maybe you should spell it out for me so we can settle this."
He just had to be blasé about it, didn't he? Johanna thought to herself. "I want you, Jim...I want you."
"I'm right here," he replied, moving closer once again but she threw out a hand to keep him from getting too close.
"You know that's not what I mean," she retorted. "I have feelings for you...and you have to know that. I want more, Jim. I want to be with you...and I'm not talking about just being with you in my bed as you seem to want. I want to be in a real relationship with you...I want us to be together."
Jim backed away a few more steps and began to pace. This was the conversation he had been dreading. "Jo...we talked about this last summer when we were in North Carolina. We agreed that we were fine with how things are between us."
"No, we said we were fine for right now...but that's past and this is now."
"I'm still fine with how things are," he remarked.
"Well I'm not," she replied. "I want more...I want it with you."
"Johanna...don't do this."
"Don't do what?" she practically yelled in frustration.
"Don't ruin what we have. We have a good thing...there's no reason to change it."
She gripped the counter in anger as she turned her back to him for a second. "We do have a good thing," she agreed; "But it could be better...we could have so much more if you just wanted to try."
Jim shook his head. "What we have now is fine...why can't you be happy with that like I am? Why do you have to go and want to change things? We don't need a damn label, Johanna."
"I can't be happy because I want more," she cried. "I want you here...I don't always want to say goodnight. Sometimes I can't stand to see you leave when you bring me home. Sometimes I wake up and I just ache inside because I wish you were there next to me."
He moved into her space again, his hand cupping her face. "I can stay, Jo," he said quietly; his lips skimming hers. "All you have to do is tell me to stay and I will...and I'll be there when you wake up in the morning."
A soft bitter laugh crossed her lips as she pulled her face away from his hand. "You'll stay and we'll give in and make love...and then we'll get up in the morning and we'll go on like nothing's changed. Isn't that right, Jim? You want to take me to bed, don't you?"
Jim opened his mouth to reply but she cut him off before he could say anything. "Don't insult me by denying it, Jim. There's plenty of evidence that it's what you want; especially since we came back from Atlantic City. Every chance you get you're trying to undo buttons and get your hand under my skirt. So don't you deny it."
"Okay, I won't deny it...I can't deny it. I want to make love to you...is that so terrible? Can you say you don't want it?" he murmured.
"No," she whispered. "There are times when I'd like nothing more than to make love to you...but I don't do one night stands...and I can't be your friend during the day and your secret mistress at night."
"It wouldn't be like that."
"Yes it would," she argued. "We'd be friends with all the benefits...and when someone comes along and catches your eye, you'd be free to chase her because after all, I'm just your friend. Well I can't be that way and I won't lay beside you at night wondering what I really mean to you and if you're ever going to give me more...or if I'm just around for your convenience. You don't want labels...but I need one. I want to know what I am to you and how you feel about me. I want other people to know what we are and that we're together. Why can't you understand that?"
"You know I care about you," he said angrily; seeing their relationship spiraling out of his control and into a fiery pit.
"Do I? What exactly does it mean when you say you care about me, Jim? What does any of it mean?"
"You know what it means."
"I don't think I do anymore."
"We don't need to change, Johanna. If we go and start slapping a label on things, we're just going to ruin everything we have. Why are you doing this? Why are you suddenly needing more?"
She scoffed. "It's not something that just happened tonight, Jim. It's been happening. I want a relationship...a real relationship. Don't you ever want to be in a committed relationship with someone?"
Frustration and fear ran through his veins and he turned it to anger. Why did she have to do this? Why did she have to spoil something that was so good? Couldn't she just be satisfied? Why did women always want to take a mile when you gave them an inch? "Of course I want a relationship like that but who said it was going to be with you?" he retorted.
The blood drained from Johanna's face; her eyes wide and stricken, her breath caught in her throat. It hurt so badly...as if he picked up a knife and plunged it directly into her heart. She'd been a fool...again. When was she going to learn? The blow made her want to fall to her knees and cry until the pain was gone but she didn't dare; not while he was still standing in her kitchen with that smug look in his eyes.
Instead she nodded her head, her teeth worrying her bottom lip for a moment. "That's fine," she finally stated; her tone cool and firm. "I'm glad I know where we stand now."
"Jo," he said; his voice losing its harshness.
"No," she interrupted; "Spare me your worthless apologies and your usual, ''I didn't mean it that way" line because we both know you did. It's better that I found out now what kind of man you really are."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jim asked.
"It means exactly what it sounds like. In your eyes I'm good enough for you to screw but I'm not good enough to be anything else. Well that's fine, because I'm done being used by you."
"I haven't been using you!"
"The hell you haven't! Well it ends tonight. I'm through with being your go to girl when no one else is around, Jim Beckett. I'm not here for your convenience. You led me on," she said; her voice cracking. "You gave me hope last summer that we were going to be more...I've wasted all of this time on a man who doesn't give a damn about me!"
"That's not true!" he yelled.
"Yes it is! You don't have any feelings for me! You just used me. I gave you everything I had...I gave you my heart...and you don't even care! You just want to take me to bed and then go on about your business! Well Johanna McKenzie isn't anyone's whore, least of all yours!"
"Don't you stand there and act like I've treated you that way!" Jim thundered. "I always treated you with respect and as for giving things; I think I've given you just as much...I just didn't go around expecting something in return for it, unlike you!"
"You bastard," she seethed. "Don't you twist my words, don't you act like I only did things for you so that I could lure you into a relationship! I gave you everything I could because I care about you, because you mean something to me, but don't you worry, I won't ever do anything for you again...because we're done."
"Because everything has to be your way," he remarked.
She laughed bitterly. "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? You want it all your way; I'm just supposed to settle and be happy with what you want because that's what makes you happy! You're so selfish...I never knew it before but I see it now."
"And you're needy and overly dramatic," Jim shot back. "Everything's a crisis with you. You're always the one sacrificing and giving, you're such a martyr, Johanna."
"And you're a no good son of a bitch," she responded sharply. "I'm glad you don't want me and I'm glad we're done. Now get out of my home and don't you ever come back! I don't ever want to see you again!"
Jim smirked at her. "That's going to be a little difficult for you considering that we work together."
"Just because we work in the same building doesn't mean I have to see you."
"But you will," he taunted.
She gave him an icy smile. "There are other law firms in this city, I don't have to work with you."
"I wish you luck," he retorted bitterly. "If you think they'll beg you to stay, you're crazy...and if you think it's going to be so easy for a woman of your limited experience to find a place at another firm at the drop of a hat, then you're really out of your mind."
"GET OUT!" she yelled as she stormed from the kitchen and headed to the door to open it for him. "We're done."
"You keep saying that," Jim replied; "Who are you trying to convince, me or you? I think we both know that if I come knocking on your door in a few hours, you'll open it...because that's how you are, Johanna. You always go back for more...that's why you have a toxic relationship with your father."
She jerked the door open. "I can guarantee you that once my door slams behind you that it won't ever open for you again. I can also assure you that our friendship or whatever the hell it was is over."
"That suits me just fine," he replied as he stepped across the threshold of her apartment. "It's been fun, Jo," he added with a sardonic smile, recalling how she mentioned before how much she hated when men used that line.
"Go to hell, Jim."
"I'm already there, sweetheart...because this night with you has been far from heaven."
Johanna shot him an angry glare as she slammed the door in his face. Her eyes blurred with tears as she quickly turned the locks and before she could even think of stopping it, a sob tore from her throat as she slid to the floor, the tears coming in torrents.
Jim stood in the hallway, hearing her cries and he hated himself. He shoved a hand through his hair in agitation. Why had he let things get so out of control? Why had he said those hurtful things? He had been so afraid of losing her...and now he had. Suddenly he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach...and that half of his heart was missing. He wanted to push her door open and go back inside and take her in his arms and tell her that he was sorry but he had heard the lock turn and he knew that she wouldn't open the door if he knocked and pleaded. It was over...three years of a complicated dance and now the music had stopped and he was now standing alone on the dance floor. His fingertips brushed the wooden door before he finally turned and walked away. What was he going to do now?
Johanna laid in her bed the next morning, curled under the covers as the morning sunlight poured through the window. She had forgotten to close the blind a little; she liked some light to seep through the slats in the morning to help rouse her but with the blind open as it was, she was caught in an onslaught of sunshine…and she felt much too dark inside for such an atmosphere. She didn't move however; she just couldn't bring herself to, not yet anyway. Her eyes were tired and sore, and she was sure they were probably red and puffy from shedding a copious amount of tears during the course of the night. She sighed deeply; it should be raining…heartbreak demanded a gray sky and rain; not sunshine and blue skies. It was too happy when she was so miserable; her heart shattered and in mourning.
Tears pooled in her eyes once more; everything felt odd now that she knew it was over with Jim. She felt empty inside; and she wondered, not for the first time, if she had done the right thing and then quickly cast aside the notion. Of course she had. She couldn't remain in limbo forever…it was best to know where things stood…even it did rip her heart out. She thought maybe she had gotten it right this time…that time and being cautious had made her wiser and that she had found someone who could be 'the one'. Wrong again. Always wrong. When would she learn? Maybe it was time to consider the fact that what she wanted out of life wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was time to start over…to start looking for a job at a different law firm.
Johanna hated the thought of that; she didn't really want to leave the firm at the moment…but if things became too awkward with Jim, then she'd have no choice but to leave. She rolled over, turning her back to the window. Maybe she should give up on silly notions of love and fairy tales and just get a cat. She scoffed at herself; she wished it could be that easy. Her feelings for Jim wouldn't evaporate over night…she was going to long for him, and need him…ache for him. Somewhere inside a glimmer of hope would burn that maybe one day he'd have a change of heart, even if she did doubt it.
The phone rang and she flinched; the ache in her head making itself known through the din of noise that broke the silence of her apartment. She wondered if it might be Jim but she made no move to answer it. If he wanted to talk to her or continue the fight, he'd have to do it in person. The phone ceased its ringing and she contemplated the day ahead…and found that all she really wanted to do was to go home to her mother…lay her head in her lap and cry out all of her hurts just as she had done as a child. With the thought of her mother in mind, Johanna threw back the covers and got out of bed. There was no reason why she couldn't spend the day at her mother's; it would be better than staying home and wallowing.
She took a long shower and then dried her hair and got dressed. She moved back into her bedroom and sat down at her vanity; carefully applying a little more makeup than usual to cover the dark circles beneath her eyes. She slipped on her watch and then out of habit picked up the bracelet with the amethyst butterfly charm that Jim had given her for her birthday the year before. She frowned as she glanced at it and then she got up from her vanity and moved to the small stand beside it that her jewelry box sat on. She opened it and took out the velvet case of the bracelet and put it inside. She then picked up the emerald earrings he had given her for Christmas and put them back in their box as well. Her eyes also caught site of the concert tickets lying in her jewelry box that he had given her that year for her birthday. She'd have to send them back to him; it wouldn't be right to keep them. Maybe she should send the jewelry back too…she didn't need reminders of his betrayal. She closed the lid of the jewelry box and turned away from it, only for her eyes to land upon the chair where the stuffed cat he had won her resided. She'd keep that; but there was the matter of his shirt that she had in her drawer. Sending that back could be embarrassing since he didn't know she had it. She could just throw it away…once she was over him…if that was even possible.
But what about his jacket? She couldn't throw that away…she could give it back though. She could just get a box and put the stuff in it and send it to him or take it to his place when she knew he wasn't there…and then she'd leave his key…and she'd have someone get hers back from him. Johanna shook her head; she could worry about all of that later; right now she just needed her mother; and with that longing nagging at her, she finished getting ready and left.
Jim groaned the next morning as he opened his eyes and quickly shut them once more against the sunlight pouring through the window. He turned his aching head away from the window and opened his eyes again. He wondered what time it was but didn't want to risk turning his head back towards the nightstand. Getting drunk when he came home the night before probably hadn't been the best idea, he thought to himself…but it hadn't been his stupidest move that night though. His fight with Johanna rushed back to the forefront of his mind and he hated himself…he had hated himself all the way home. That was why he had cracked open that bottle of scotch.
He finally relented and turned his head toward the nightstand only to find his view of the clock blocked by that bottle of scotch that was over half empty. He sighed and then realized something was clutched in his hand. He glanced down and saw the seashell Johanna had given him held tightly in his hand and cradled against his chest. More memories flooded back…a sure sign that you had drank too much was when you sat up half the night holding a seashell…tracing the name written upon it in red nail polish, he mused…and he couldn't forget the amount of talking he had done to her picture that sat on the nightstand. It was a good thing he lived alone; he probably would've ended up committed…after all, he was pretty sure he had professed his love to the picture…and the seashell. It was also a good thing that this wasn't one of those occasions when his mother stopped by and let herself in instead of knocking. She'd have a holy fit if she saw him like this. Not that he cared. He glowered at the sunlight that dared to spill through his window. He was in no mood for a bright sunny day.
Jim laid the seashell back down on the nightstand where it belonged and forced himself out of bed so that he could snap the blinds shut, plunging the room into a darker state. That was better, he thought; darkness suited him and his headache. He could tell a seashell and a picture that he loved her…and yet he couldn't tell her. He knew how stupid it sounded; knew that he had blown it with his harsh words that he didn't mean. Why did he have to say the things he did? Why did he let his fears and temper get away from him? He hurt her…and all he wanted to do was go to her, beg her to forgive him, tell her that he didn't mean it. But he knew he couldn't; she wouldn't want anything to do with him right now and he didn't blame her. Besides, he still wasn't sure he was ready to take that last step…but then a traitorous voice whispered that if he didn't take any steps, then it was probably over between them for good.
He didn't want to think about that and he shook his aching head to rid himself of the thought. Maybe he could just wait it out. Maybe it would blow over in a few days and then he could go to her and tell her he was sorry. It would be okay; she'd forgive him after a little while. It would blow over…wouldn't it? Probably. Maybe…hopefully. Jim sighed; he had a sinking feeling in his stomach that it might not blow over as easily as he'd like it to. He dragged himself towards the bathroom for a shower; maybe he'd feel more human after that. Maybe then he could figure out a course of action if things lingered too long.
"What's your problem?" Frank asked gruffly as he eyed his daughter later that day.
"Nothing," Johanna replied; her eyes briefly flicking away from the TV screen to his face.
"Liar. If something wasn't wrong, you wouldn't be here this early."
"I didn't know that I couldn't come over early. I don't think I was doing anything to bother you. I was just sitting here watching TV and minding my own business."
"Well I'm the one that has to sit here and look at that sour expression on your face," he retorted.
Her jaw tightened; "I'm sorry, I forgot how offensive my face is to you regardless of the expression it wears. Normally I try to limit your exposure to such an offense but today I just wanted to be with my mother and unfortunately she lives with you."
Her father smirked. "What's this, little Johanna needs her mommy? If you're here for her then you should be out there in the kitchen with her."
"She was in here until ten minutes ago."
"Well she's not now. Now what the hell is your problem?" Frank asked.
"You mean besides being your daughter?" Johanna retorted.
"Yeah," he replied with a sneer. "You're too old to be put up for adoption so we're never going to solve that problem. I'd sign the papers and let you go if I could."
The comment hurt but she was used to it. Besides, her heart was already in pieces. "I don't doubt it, Dad. You've never made it a secret that I was the one you didn't want and that's fine. I'm used to it. Sometimes I feel bad about it and wish I wasn't such a disappointment to you and other times, like today, I just really don't care because what's the sense in it anyway. You're never going to love me and I'm never going to make you happy or proud to be my father. But it's fine. I accepted that long ago."
Frank stared at her for a moment. "Boy, you must really be on a kick about something. Why don't you go upstairs and take a nap, you look like a petulant toddler who needs one."
Her eyes burned with the sting of tears as she got up from the couch and began to move toward the stairs. "Oh my God, you're actually going to do what you're told?" her father exclaimed sarcastically.
Johanna turned towards him. "For once in my life could you just get off my back?"
He eyed her once more as she turned her back to him. "I never said I didn't love you, Johanna," he stated gruffly.
She whipped around to face him again, her eyes filled with the flicker of fiery temper and tears. "Don't lie to me! Not about that…not today! I'm not stupid; I know how you feel about me. I know how everyone feels about me!"
"What the hell has gotten into you?" he roared. "Who lit your fuse?"
"Like you care. I wouldn't tell you if you paid me to. I don't need your lectures or your name calling and I sure as hell don't need any more lies," she cried as she turned and hurried up the stairs.
Naomi stepped in from the kitchen to see what the commotion was about only to see her daughter running up the stairs. She called after her as she disappeared from sight but all she got in response was the slam of a door.
"Well that's like old times," Frank remarked as he snapped his newspaper.
"What did you say to her, Frank?" Naomi demanded to know.
"Nothing."
"Frank."
He sighed. "All I did was ask her what her problem was."
His wife eyed him with an arched brow. "How did you go about asking? And don't lie to me, I want the truth."
"Naomi, you know how she is; you can't say a damn thing to her without her going off like a damn rocket."
"She usually has good reason for that. Now what did you say?"
He scowled but relayed their conversation, his wife's blue eyes snapping fire in the same fashion that their daughter's eyes often did. "You just can't keep your mouth shut, can you?" she asked. "She was sitting there watching TV, why couldn't you just let her be?"
"Because I wanted to know what she was moping about."
"Did it ever occur to you to ask in a manner that would show concern instead of scorn? I knew something was wrong from the moment she walked through the door but I was giving her time to tell me herself and now you've probably made things worse. Instead of fighting her all the time, why don't you try acting like a father and then maybe she'd confide in you."
"I don't want her to confide in me. I just wanted her to wipe that look off her face."
Naomi shook her head at him. "She was already hurting over something, Frank; and you had to heap more onto it with your stupid comments."
He sighed, giving a slight eye roll. "What do you want me to do, Naomi?"
"Nothing, Frank. Just do nothing like you usually do. I'm going upstairs and talk to her."
Frank felt chastened as his wife turned away and climbed the stairs. He never could understand how she could make him feel that way with just a look and a certain tone of voice…but she sure did make an art form of it.
Naomi knocked on the closed bedroom door and then opened it without waiting for a response. Her heart ached for her child as she found her curled up on her old bed, her back to the door. She moved toward the bed and put a hand on her daughter's hip. "Do you want to tell me what's troubling you?" she asked softly.
"I'm a fool," Johanna said softly through the tears she couldn't hold at bay.
"Why do you say that?"
"Because it's true."
"I find that hard to believe," Naomi replied as she patted Johanna's hip. "Sit up and talk to me."
When her daughter sat up, she took a seat on the bed with her, reaching out and wiping away the tears that were running down her cheeks. "What is it, sweetheart?"
Johanna grimaced. "Please don't call me that…ever."
Naomi's suspicions rose; she had called her that before and it hadn't been a problem…but it was now and that meant someone else was involved…and she had a feeling that sweetheart had been a special name between them. "Alright," she said with a nod; not pressing for an explanation of why she shouldn't use the term. "Now tell me why you think you're a fool."
Johanna looked into her mother's concerned and compassionate face and she gave into the urge to lay her head on her mother's lap as she had often done as a child. As she remembered, her mother's soft, slender hand fell against her hair, moving in a soothing motion. "Oh, Mama," she cried.
"Is it really so bad?" Naomi murmured as she continued to stroke her daughter's hair.
"Yes."
"Well then tell me and maybe we can fix it."
She doubted that it could be fixed but she gave in and bared her soul to her mother; telling almost everything about her complicated relationship with Jim and how her feelings had changed over the course of their friendship. When she got to their fight the night before, her cries increased.
"I thought…I thought maybe he loved me too," she sobbed. "But I was wrong…I'm always wrong. He doesn't love me, Mama."
"Baby," her mother murmured; urging her to rise so that she could properly enfold her in an embrace. She allowed her to cry out her hurts for awhile, rocking her gently as she did so. When she began to calm, Naomi pulled back a bit and wiped the tears from Johanna's face once more. "I'm so sorry, that he hurt you, Bambina."
"It's my fault for letting myself fall for him," Johanna replied. "I should've known better…I should've known last summer when he said he liked what we were. I'm so stupid."
"No you're not…and as for letting yourself fall in love; honey, you don't have any control over that. The heart wants what it wants…and your heart wants him."
"But his doesn't want me."
Naomi gave her a squeeze. "Oh I wouldn't give up on him just yet, if I was you."
"Why not?"
"Because I think he'll come around."
"I told him I never wanted to see him again."
"I doubt he'll pay that any heed if he wants to see you…and I think he'll want to see you. Maybe he's afraid of moving on to the next step, Johanna. Maybe he's afraid to admit how he feels. Did you tell him that you love him?"
"No, I just said that I have feelings for him. I thought it would make it easier that way and it would be less pressure. I thought that if we dated awhile…then maybe he'd say it and I could too."
"Did he come right out and say that he doesn't love you?"
"No."
"Then you can't say for certain that he doesn't. Like I said, maybe he's afraid. Things have been comfortable between the two of you for a long time…making a change like that can be terrifying to a man for some reason."
"I'm afraid too," Johanna whispered; "But I'm willing to try and he's not. I just want to be with him…I thought he wanted me too."
"I believe that he does," Naomi said with quiet certainty. "And now that he's forced to be without you, he'll realize that and he'll have to make the choice of fighting for you…or letting you go."
"What if he doesn't fight for me?"
"Then it wasn't meant to be," Naomi replied softly; hating to be the voice of that reality.
"I don't know what I'll do if that happens…" she cried.
"Life never delivers something we can't handle, darling. If he's fool enough to let you go…it'll hurt for awhile and then you'll pick yourself up and you'll go back out there and you'll find someone who will love you."
"But I don't want anyone else," Johanna replied quietly as she swiped at her cheeks. "I just want him. He's the only one that I could really see myself having a life with…I…I could see things in my mind and maybe it was stupid…but it all seemed so right."
"What kind of things?" her mother asked kindly.
She sniffed. "The kind of things stupid girls always see with the wrong man…going to sleep next to him and waking up with him…being together for more than a few months. I could see myself wanting to grow older with him…I…" she trailed off; emotion choking her.
"You could see yourself marrying him one day," Naomi supplied gently.
"Yes."
"And you could see having a home with him."
She nodded. "A beautiful home…with a porch swing that we could sit on like we did last summer at his aunt's house."
"That sounds lovely," Naomi agreed softly. "What else did you see? A baby?"
"Yes," she whispered. "I could see all of these wonderful things that I never really saw before with anyone else."
"Well don't you give up on those dreams just yet. I don't think it's over yet."
"It feels like it is."
Naomi pulled her in for another hug. "Of course it does. We all feel that way when we set a man free and wait for him to come back. I sent your father away once before we were married."
"Really?"
"Mhmm, he had a phobia about marriage."
"What made you take him back?"
"He proposed."
"Are you sure you made the right decision?" Johanna asked, only half joking.
Naomi gave a soft laugh. "Yes, I'm sure. I love him even if he does infuriate me…and he's more bark than bite."
"I'll take your word for that."
"I've only met your Jim a few times…but I knew the first time I saw him look at you that he cared for you deeply, Bambina. The times I've seen him, that look has always been present in his eyes…and I know that he's been there for you during hard times and that the two of you have a special bond. I don't know what he's afraid of…but I'm sure that he's going to be more afraid of a world without you in his life than of a world where he has to admit his feelings."
"Do you really think so?"
"I do…and I don't doubt that he'll wait awhile and then come around, trying to get back in your good graces…but, honey, if you really want things to change, then you stand your ground. Don't let him talk you into going back to what you were because you'll never get anywhere that way. Make him earn the right to have you back in his life, make him fight for you. A man who loves you will fight for you. He'll fight to keep you, no matter what he has to do, even if it means uttering those three terrifying little words."
A shuddering breath wracked Johanna's frame as she brushed her hair back from her face. "Everything's such a mess now."
"Love is good for that," Naomi replied with a smile; reaching out to caress her daughter's damp cheek. "You didn't sleep at all last night, did you?"
"No," she admitted. "I laid awake all night crying and replaying everything in my mind."
"I thought so," her mother replied as she rose from the bed and moved to the window and pulled down the blind to block out the afternoon sun. "I think you should get in bed and sleep for awhile before dinner. You'll feel better."
Johanna got up from the bed and shed her jeans, tossing them on the foot of Colleen's old bed as Naomi pulled back the covers. "You might have something in the dresser you could sleep in," her mother commented as she watched her slip between the sheets in her t-shirt and panties.
"I'm fine like this," she answered; feeling weary from her emotional overload.
Naomi left the room for a few moments but then returned; a cool damp washcloth in her hand. She perched next to Johanna and carefully wiped the tear stains from her face before she pressed a kiss to her forehead. "If it makes you feel any better, I love you, baby."
Johanna offered her a small smile. "I love you too, Mama."
Her mother smiled and then folded the cloth and laid it across her sore tired eyes. "May I ask one last question?" she asked her daughter.
"Yeah."
"Does he call you sweetheart?" she questioned gently.
"Yes," Johanna whispered after a moment of silence.
Naomi couldn't see the eyes of her child as they were hidden behind the washcloth she had covered them with, but she was sure a glimmer of fresh tears probably laid within them. "Get some rest, darling. I'll wake you when dinner is ready."
"Thanks, Mom."
"Anytime," she answered before quietly slipping from the room and closing the door behind her.
Johanna released a weighted breath as sleepiness washed over her. She had made the right choice; her mother always knew what to do to soothe what ailed her…at least someone loved her.
Late Monday afternoon, Johanna dropped her briefcase on her desk and then left her vacant office in search of coffee and Sharon. Her day had been spent in court and it had gone well...her mind however was still mired down with her thoughts of the fight she had with Jim just days before and the tears she had shed over it. She tried to push those thoughts away as she walked down the hallway; praying the entire time that she wouldn't run in to him. He was the last person she wanted to see. In fact she'd rather have her knees scrapped across the concrete than see Jim Beckett; she mused. As always, the world was against her and her prayers went unanswered. It just figured he'd be in the break room, she thought sarcastically; and it looked like every member of their usual circle was present and accounted for as well. So be it. She'd get her coffee and go.
"There's Sassy," Jeff commented as he caught sight of her.
Johanna forced a smile to her lips. "Don't act like you missed me."
"We always miss you," he replied with a chuckle.
"I just bet," she responded as she moved toward the counter; keeping her gaze from landing upon Jim.
"How did it go in court?" Sharon asked.
"It went well."
Sharon was getting a vibe as she studied her friend. Something didn't seem quite right.
"Hey, Jo; where were you yesterday?" Maggie asked. "I called you all day and couldn't catch you."
"I was at my parents," Johanna answered.
"Are you okay?" Sharon asked.
She turned; her coffee cup in hand and forced another smile to her lips. "I'm just fine."
Her best friend eyed her; assessing her in a way only a best friend could and came up with a verdict. Johanna was lying and she'd have to get to the bottom of it.
"You do seem a little quiet, Sassy," Jeff commented.
"I'm just tired," she replied.
Her eyes betrayed her and darted towards Jim only to find him looking back at her. Her heart stung painfully; his rejection of her and the love she so willingly wanted to give him felt like being slapped over and over. It hurt so badly but she felt like she'd already made a big enough fool out of herself as it was and she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her pain. She dug into that well of anger instead; her gaze and expression turning cool as she eyed him for a moment longer and then she turned on her heel and headed to the door with only a casual "see you later" to her friends.
Jeff, Sharon, Maggie and Phil all seemed frozen in place as it dawned on them what had just occurred. Jim Beckett and Johanna McKenzie had just shared the same air space and hadn't said a single word to each other. They hadn't touched or shared one of those private, mind reading looks or smiles. They had acted as though they weren't even in the room together. Slowly they all turned to look at Jim and after reading the look on his face, Phil muttered, "Oh boy."
Sharon caught Jim's eye; her expression stern. "What did you do?" she demanded to know.
"Nothing," he stated; his tone somewhat terse as he moved across the room to get his own cup of coffee.
"Maybe that's the problem," Jeff remarked.
Jim turned to face him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Jeff's brow rose. "It means maybe you did nothing when you should have done something."
He glared at his friend. "Is that what she told you?"
Jeff looked at him as if he was crazy. "Johanna hasn't told me anything. I haven't talked to her since the party Saturday, and she was fine then...and she left with you; and now the two of you don't seem to be speaking so clearly you either did something...or you did nothing when you should have."
"You're in so much trouble," Sharon stated; her gaze still upon him.
"I'm really afraid of you, Sharon," he said tiredly.
"You better get afraid; because I will find out what happened," she replied as she headed for the door with Maggie on her heels; the mission of seeking out their friend taking top priority on their agenda.
Once they were gone, Jeff turned back to Jim. "Okay; what happened?"
Jim took a sip of his coffee and then pushed away from the counter. "Nothing."
Jeff watched him leave and then glanced at Phil. "I still have a feeling that 'nothing' is probably the problem."
The other man smiled. "Yeah; I have that feeling too."
"Alright, what happened?" Sharon asked as she and Maggie marched into Johanna's office.
"And don't say nothing," Maggie added. "We didn't buy that from Jim."
Johanna sighed. "We had a fight."
"We figured that much out on our own," Sharon replied. "What was it about?"
That little pain rippled through her heart again and her eyes misted. "Not here," she whispered as she struggled to remain composed.
Her best friend nodded. "Your place after work."
"Okay," Johanna replied; wanting nothing more than to unburden herself to them.
Sharon pulled her in for a quick hug. "Don't worry; whatever it is, we'll fix it, and if we can't fix it; then we'll just get even."
The statement made her laugh; revenge sounded like a soothing balm at the moment.
That evening, Maggie and Sharon sat around Johanna's table as she poured three glasses of wine. When she finished, she sliced the yellow cake she had baked the night before and put a piece on each plate. She was proud of her work; the two layers had come out evenly and had been baked to perfection. She had made her mother's signature white icing and slathered it on her creation thickly. When a heart was broken, only the simplest pleasures could ease the pain. Icing was one of those pleasures in her mind; and she was somewhat ashamed to admit even to herself that she had contemplated forgoing the cake and just eating the bowl of icing. A vestige of self restraint had held out…and the act of baking the cake has been a nice outlet for awhile.
"Alright, Jo; spill it," Sharon gently demanded as she placed the cake in front of each woman and then took her seat.
Johanna sighed as she sank her fork into her cake. "I bit the bullet," she stated; "And then Jim shot me with it."
Maggie's eyes widened; recalling their conversation from the beach. "You bit the bullet?"
She nodded. "Turns out it wasn't a good idea after all."
Sharon shook off her surprise at the announcement. "You told him that you love him?"
"No!"
"Then how did you bite the bullet? Did you sleep with him?"
"No! That's part of the problem," she exclaimed.
"Then what the hell happened?" Sharon asked. "You were both fine at the party."
"I don't really know what happened," Johanna replied as she brushed back a lock of hair and then reached for her wine glass. "I mean I've been thinking a lot about it lately…about broaching that certain conversation but I didn't mean for it to be last night."
"Did something happen last night…that opened the door for it?" Maggie questioned.
"No, not really…he brought me home and he came in with me as usual, everything was fine. I wanted a glass of wine; we came into the kitchen and…"
"And?" Sharon prodded.
"And he kissed me…and it seemed to be heading somewhere."
"But it didn't go anywhere?" Maggie asked; wanting to be sure that Johanna wasn't going to give a different answer than she had earlier.
"No, I put the brakes on that."
"Why?" Sharon questioned as she raised a bite of cake to her lips.
"I don't know," she said honestly. "It was just like suddenly I couldn't take this game we play anymore. It's like we're always skating across the line and then going back to the way things are...and I don't want to do that anymore. The way things are going, we're going to end up sleeping together and get up the next day and go on about our business as if nothing has changed and I don't want to be the friend he occasionally sleeps with. I want more...I want to be with him...and I was stupid enough to tell him that."
"What did he say?" Maggie asked.
"At first he tried to play it off, saying we're already more than friends."
"And then what?" Sharon inquired.
"I wouldn't let him brush off the topic; I kept pushing the issue and we started fighting. He said that he likes things the way they are and that I should be happy with that like he is. He also said that he didn't know why I wanted to go and ruin things when everything was fine as it was. We kept arguing the point and finally I asked him if he ever wanted to have a committed relationship with someone."
Sharon took a sip of wine and studied her friend's forlorn expression. "I take it he said no?"
Johanna smirked and shook her head as her eyes filled with tears. "No; he said "Of course I want a relationship like that but who said it was going to be with you'."
"That bastard," Maggie stated.
"He said that to you!" Sharon exclaimed once she got over her shock.
Johanna nodded; a sob breaking free. "And then we really fought," she told them; giving them the details of her tirade and his responses. "Eventually I told him to get out and not to ever come back."
Sharon digested all of the information as she handed Johanna a napkin to use as a tissue. "He has to pay," she remarked.
"What's the point? I can't make him love me."
"He loves you," Maggie said firmly; "And everyone knows it. He just wants all the benefits without the strings attached."
"Well I'm not the girl for that," Johanna replied; "Although he did want to hint that he'd be fine with sleeping together while keeping everything else the same.
"He has to pay dearly," Sharon remarked; outrage still present in her features.
"Yeah; but how?" Johanna asked; "Besides bodily harm...although I admit that's a very appealing thought."
"We'll make that plan B," Maggie stated.
"Plan A has to be some way to not only make him suffer but to also show him just what he's missing out on."
"Good luck with that," Johanna scoffed.
Sharon patted her hand. "Oh we'll think of something; don't you worry about that. Jim Beckett will pay."
"I want him to pay," she admitted with a sob. "I don't know what to believe anymore…now I don't know if everything I thought I knew was just a lie and he was leading me on; or if he really does care and he's just at the height of some jackass stupidity!"
"I think there are a few ways to play this, Jo," Maggie remarked; "But of course it's up to you about which option you want to use."
"What do you have in mind?" Johanna asked.
"Well, do you want to try to talk to him again? Maybe meet him somewhere and try to discuss it? I could have Jeff slip him a message."
She shook her head. "I did all of my talking Saturday night; he's the one that needs to talk."
"So you're going with silent treatment?"
Johanna nodded. "At the moment it's either that or punch him in the face."
"I would've done that when he was saying those things," Maggie replied. "That would've been the best moment for it."
"I know," she replied; "But I was too busy trying to remember how to breathe. It felt like he knocked all of the air out of my body."
"I understand…you can punch him the next time an opportunity presents itself."
"What are your other options?" Johanna asked with a small tearful smile.
Sharon took up the reins of the conversation. "You might not like the one I suggest but it could be the most effective."
"What's that?" she inquired; although she had a sinking feeling that she knew.
"It might be time to start accepting those other invitations to lunch and dinner…if only for the sake of showing him that what he doesn't want can be easily given to another."
Maggie nodded. "She's right; you know how men are. When they think something they claim as theirs is being given to someone else; they're all over that."
"I know," Johanna murmured. "It isn't something I haven't already thought myself."
"But?" her secretary asked.
"But I don't think I'm just ready to go out with someone tomorrow, you know? Even if it is for the purpose of pissing him off."
"I get it," her best friend replied. "You need a few days…and maybe you're hoping he'll come around during those few days."
"Yeah; well you know what they say about wishful thinking."
"Don't go sounding so hopeless; you'll get him…but you might have to concentrate more on your anger instead of the hurt," Sharon remarked. "The anger will make it easier."
"I've got plenty of that at the moment," Johanna said with a sigh as she reached for her wine glass once more.
"Don't give in, Jo; not until he's willing to give you what you want," Maggie told her.
"I'm not," she whispered; "But what worries me is if he doesn't give it to me…what then?"
"Then you pick someone new from your new crop of suitors," Sharon replied. "You don't lack for invitations, Jo; you're just always turning them down for Jim. Once the word spreads that you two are on the outs…you're going to see a rise in popularity; and you know what they say."
"What?"
Sharon grinned. "The best way to get over one man is to get under another one."
Johanna groaned. "You say that like I've been under the one I just cut loose."
"Well it isn't like you haven't had opportunities."
"Don't remind me; that's how I got in this mess."
"I think I tried to warn you about that."
She scoffed. "No; you were the one telling me to sleep with him."
"She's right," Maggie agreed; "That was your main suggestion. My suggestion was to bite the bullet…and now I feel bad about that since it blew up on you."
Johanna patted her hand. "It's not your fault; don't feel bad. It was bound to happen anyway. Eventually I'd probably let those words slip and he would've rejected me just the same and we'd still be here."
"How long are you going to wait?" Maggie asked.
"Wait for what?"
"For him to make the move of starting that conversation."
Johanna thought about it for a long moment. "I'll give him until Sunday night."
"And then?" Sharon asked.
"And then I start seeing other people," she announced. "If he doesn't want me, then I'll show him that I'm not sitting at my desk pining away for him; I'll show him that there are plenty of other men out there."
"Atta girl," her secretary said with a grin. "It's time to show him that McKenzie temper."
"No," Johanna said; "It's time to show him the McKenzie bitch…he might think he's seen her before; but believe me, he hasn't."
Maggie's eyes were gleeful as she laughed. "Take him down, Jo; and then reel him in."
"Since he likes games so much, I'll show him just how well I can play," she stated; her spine straightening a little as the plan formulated in her mind.
Jim was sitting in his living room, a freshly delivered pizza on the coffee table in its open box. He felt like things were somewhat bleak as he chewed a bite of his pizza. Johanna hadn't spoken to him all day…and he had a feeling that she probably wouldn't speak to him tomorrow either. He washed down his food with a swallow of beer and wondered how long the silent treatment would last. A knock sounded at his door and his heart leapt with hope. Could it be her? Did she have a change of heart? He tossed his half eaten slice back into the box and sat his bottle of beer down and hurried to the door, only to be disappointed when he found Jeff and Phil on the other side.
"Try not to look so happy to see us," Jeff commented.
"Yeah; who were you expecting…Jo?" Phil asked.
Jim frowned; something he noticed he'd been doing a lot of since Saturday night. "What do you two want?"
"The ladies are having a powwow at Jo's," Jeff replied as they stepped inside. "We thought we'd come over and pry your side of the story out of you…you know, before they light their torches and come for you."
"Yeah; we don't want to just take the word of that suspicious looking note that will be found when you go missing," Phil added.
"You two are real comedians," Jim stated as he returned to his place on the couch and picked up his pizza.
"And look, you're all prepared for company," Jeff announced as he grabbed a slice of pizza and then headed in the direction of the kitchen. "Phil; you want a beer?"
"Yeah; grab me one," he answered as he took snagged a slice of pizza.
"By all means, eat my pizza and drink my beer," Jim remarked.
"Don't mind if we do," Phil replied as he settled into the chair. "Depending on what you did, you might not be needing it because the women might make you disappear."
"Phil's right," Jeff said as he re-entered the room and handed their friend a beer before taking a seat at the opposite end of the sofa. "Maggie's mission in life tonight was to get to Jo's to find out what you did…she knows it has to be something that's a punishable offense."
Phil nodded. "And you will be punished if Sharon has her way about it. She's very protective of Jo; that's her best friend and her honorary sister…you don't mess with one without pissing off the other."
Jeff grinned as he caught his best friend's eye. "We're going to miss you, Jim."
"Shut up," he muttered darkly.
"Alright; tell us what happened," Jeff demanded as he reached for another piece of pizza.
He sighed and took a sip of beer before answering. "I don't really know what happened."
"How can you not know?" Phil asked. "You were there, weren't you?"
"Yes, I was there but that doesn't mean I know what happened!"
"You know," Jeff said with certainty. "Now what was going on that perpetrated whatever crime you committed against the lovely Sassy McKenzie?"
"I don't know…I mean everything was fine at the party; she got a little quiet towards the end but when I asked her what was wrong, she just said that she was ready to go home. So we left; everything was fine in the car; we talked about the party, we talked about the law firm gala at the end of this month. We got back to her place and everything was still fine."
"When did it get un-fine?" Jeff asked.
He shrugged. "I guess when we were kissing…I mean that seemed to be going well."
"Were you pushing things?" Phil asked.
"No more than usual."
"Then what happened? What went wrong?"
"I don't know what went wrong," he replied. "One minute we were kissing, the next she was pushing me away and demanding a relationship!"
Phil and Jeff shared a surprised look and then glanced back to Jim. "Jo demanded a relationship?" Phil asked.
He nodded. "She sure as hell did."
"Way to go, Sassy," Jeff exclaimed. "It's about time she rang that bell."
"I don't understand what happened," Jim stated. "One minute we're kissing, the next we're yelling at each other and she's telling me to get out and that she never wants to see me again."
Phil shot him a look. "You keep leaving out key parts of the story, Jim. We can't help you if you don't tell us everything."
"Yeah; if you want a good defense; you need to come clean," his best friend added. "Now what did she say?"
"She said that she couldn't be just my friend anymore; that she wanted more…that she has feelings for me and that she wants us to be together."
"And instead of throwing yourself on the floor at her feet and begging her to keep you forever, I'm guessing you said something stupid?" Jeff asked.
"I said I didn't want to change things; that I was fine with how we are…were."
Both of his friends groaned. "Boy you really blew it," Phil muttered.
"I might've handled it better if she hadn't ambushed me," Jim said in his own defense. "I mean we were having a perfectly fine moment; I thought when she pushed me away that I was just rushing things along; but no, she goes and drops this bomb on me."
Jeff scoffed. "So what you're saying is, you were trying to coax her into bed and she put on the brakes and demanded a commitment before going there and you decided to stick your head up your ass and say no; am I right?"
"Except for the head up my ass thing," he replied.
"That could be a matter of opinion," Jeff retorted.
"I wouldn't even say I was trying to coax her into bed…"
His friends looked at him skeptically. "Okay; maybe I was, but that's not the point. I always respect her decision when she says no; last night wasn't any different in that respect. It was the sudden demand for a relationship that blew the lid off of everything. She's the one that started this, not me!"
Phil shook his head. "No, I think you started it when you were trying to get her into bed."
"That has nothing to do with any of this! Johanna and I talked about this last summer and we said we were fine with how things were for the time being."
"Well, Jo's not fine anymore," Jeff responded.
"Yeah; I know; she told me."
"So what exactly happened when she issued the demand?" Phil asked. "What was said?"
Jim blew out a breath and told them all about the argument that had occurred and how she had thrown him out of her apartment and her life. His friends were quiet when he finished the story and it made him uncomfortable as he waited for their opinions.
Phil found his voice first. "You'll understand if I can't associate with you too much publicly, right? Because I can't have Sharon thinking I condone this behavior of yours."
Jim smirked at him. "Thanks for the support, Phil."
"Hey; I'm not the one that screwed up epically."
Jeff shook his head. "How could you do this to her, Jim? How could you hurt her like that?"
"Hurting her isn't what I wanted," he replied. "Believe me, I don't feel good about it. I just don't know why she suddenly has to go and change things. We don't need a label."
"She needs one," Phil remarked; "And if you cared for her like you claim; you'd give her one."
"Phil's right," Jeff agreed. "Why do you keep digging your heels in? You have this beautiful woman who for some unfathomable reason loves you and wants to be with you and you tell her no. What the hell is wrong with you? Didn't you feel good hearing her say those words? She wants you, you idiot, and you turned her down! It's like I don't even know who you are anymore!"
Jim raked a hand through his hair. "I'm just not ready to settle down yet."
"Who said anything about settling down?" Phil asked; "Did she propose to you?"
"No! Of course not!"
"Then what's wrong with you?" Jeff prodded. "You're already in a relationship with her, she just wants to be able to put the word 'girl' in front of friend. She wants to be your girlfriend...which technically, she already is."
"How do you figure?"
"You're not that stupid, Jim. You know you're already in a relationship with her; you're with her all the time, you want to sleep with her; you don't want other men around her that might be interested. You've been on vacation together, you do family things together. You've checked into hotels with her as husband and wife!"
"In some states; that can legally make you married," Phil commented.
"Oh hell, I forgot about that," Jim muttered. "What states were those? It isn't Pennsylvania or North Carolina, is it?"
"Yes," Jeff replied. "It's definitely those ones; so you see; in the eyes of the law; you're already married to her, so go pack a bag and get over there, tell her you love her, that you're sorry and you'll try to curb your stupidity and that her loyal husband is home to stay."
"Why can't she move in here?" Jim asked.
"Because she has groceries and you like to eat them," Jeff replied. "You just don't want to give an inch, do you?"
Phil laughed. "Did you notice that he doesn't seem to mind moving in with her?"
Jeff nodded. "Yeah I did notice, and I wasn't even serious. I don't know what states would consider them married by common law. All I know is that I see them eating off each other's plates."
"Hell, I've seen them drinking out of the same glass," Phil replied.
"Which probably makes them married in some primitive society around the world," Jeff stated; "So now he needs to get the hell over there and tell her he's sorry that he's an ass and that he loves her and wants her and end this damn mess."
"There's just one problem with that," Jim announced.
"What?"
"She kind of hates me at the moment and doesn't want to see me."
"So what are you going to do?" Phil asked.
"I don't know."
"What do you want to do?" his best friend prodded.
Jim shrugged. "I don't know."
Jeff gave him a look of disgust. "Maybe Jo's right; maybe you don't really care about her. Maybe all she is to you is a conquest waiting to be had."
"Yeah," Phil said with a nod; "And Jo's not that kind of girl. If you want an easy good time, then you better stick with Melanie and Callie and those girls...you have your fun when you want it and then go your separate ways. No fuss and no strings, just the way you like it."
"It's just a shame you had to break Johanna's heart in the process," Jeff remarked. "She's a good woman...she's been good to you and she gave you her heart and you spit on it; but hey, if that's how you like things then so be it. She deserves better and I'm sure she'll find someone who will give her what she needs and wants; so don't worry about it; she'll be fine. You'll be alone but she'll find someone."
Jim glared at him. "It's not like that; I wasn't using her. Johanna wasn't just some conquest to me! I care about her more than you can imagine. I just didn't feel ready to change things; I didn't want us to change and end up blowing in it and losing what he had. I hate knowing that I hurt her and that she doesn't want me around anymore. It's not something I'm proud of. I feel like there's a hole blown through my life."
"Do you love her?" Jeff asked.
"I believe I told you the answer to that before."
"Yeah, well maybe I need to be convinced."
"Yes, I love her," he said through clenched teeth. "If I didn't, would I care so much about the mess I'm in?"
"Who the hell knows," his friend answered. "One could make the argument that if you really loved her; you would've just said so when she told you she was ready for more."
"She didn't say that she loves me," he argued.
"She was trying not to scare you off," Phil stated. "She was trying to ease you into it."
Jim sighed. "It's not that I don't want to be with her in that way...it's just that I'm not sure I'm ready."
"Looks like you don't have to worry about it," Jeff commented.
He frowned. "You don't think there's any hope?"
"Do want there to be hope?"
"Of course I do; I don't want to lose her."
"Then what are you going to do?" Phil asked.
Jim blew out a breath; "Find a way to get her back."
"Now you're sounding like less of an idiot," Jeff told him. "But you might want to give her a few days to cool off before you broach a conversation."
He nodded; he knew all about Johanna's temper and how long it needed to simmer. "It'll blow over in a few days…right?"
"Yeah; of course it will," his two friends said in unison before falling quiet.
Jeff glanced at him. "Probably not…this is one of those big messes."
Phil nodded from his place in the chair. "I'm thinking this could take weeks."
"Weeks?" he repeated as he blew out a breath; that didn't sound good at all. He just hoped that whatever the case may be that he'd be able to find a way to get her back in his life.
The next morning as Jim and Jeff were about to walk through the door of the break room to fill their cups; Johanna appeared with her own mug in hand as she prepared to leave the room.
"Morning, Sassy," Jeff greeted her.
"Good morning, Jeff," she replied with a smile, completely ignoring Jim as he stood by witnessing the exchange.
It bothered him slightly that she wouldn't as so much as look at him and it bothered him even more when she made it a point to slip around Jeff to make her exit instead of slipping around him. He shouldn't be surprised but he couldn't help but feel a little disappointed at the loss of that usual contact of her brushing against him on the way out the door and the way her perfume would linger around him. He shook those thoughts away; it would be alright, she'd cool off and they'd work it out.
"Was it just me or was it a little cold in here just now?" Jeff asked with an amused grin.
"Let's not talk about it," Jim stated as he drifted towards the coffee maker where Sharon stood, preparing her cup. "Good morning, Sharon."
The secretary leveled him with a stare that could've frozen the flames of hell. "Don't you speak to me," she said tartly.
His eyes widened in surprise. "What did I do to you?"
"You know what you did," Sharon shot back. "You don't treat my best friend like garbage and then expect me to be friends with you; that's not the way it works."
"Sharon," he sighed.
"Don't you Sharon me!" she exclaimed. "How dare you!"
"How dare I what?"
"How dare you treat Johanna the way you did. Where do you get off acting like she's not good enough for you?"
"I never said that!" Jim retorted.
"But you implied it," Sharon said sharply; "And let me tell you something, Mr. High and Mighty; if anyone isn't good enough, it's you!"
"Are you done now?"
"No, I'm not done. I just can't believe that you of all people would go and hurt her like that."
"I didn't mean to hurt her..."
Sharon scoffed. "What, you thought you were making her feel good with the things you were saying and the way you were acting?"
"No; but..."
"No buts," she interrupted. "Jo's been good to you, Jim. She's been there for you; she's done things for you. She forgives you when you're acting like a jackass and she cares about you. You couldn't find a better person to be in your life, but what do you do? You lead her on, thinking you can have your cake and eat it too without any strings attached and then when she doesn't want to play that game anymore, you had to crush her. You know she has feelings for you and you just slapped her in the face with them. Did that make you feel good, Jim? Did that make you feel like a man?"
His jaw tightened. "No, I didn't feel good about it; and let's not forget that she was doing her share of the talking and it wasn't all nice."
Sharon looked at him incredulously. "Well what was she supposed to do, Jim? Fall at your feet and cry and beg you? She's not that kind of girl."
He scoffed. "Yeah; well I guess in your way of thinking I'm supposed to be the kind of guy who goes and begs for forgiveness."
"You should beg," she said coolly; "And you ought to be ashamed of yourself."
"Look, Sharon; it's just a misunderstanding. I'm sure that when Johanna calms down, we'll work things out."
The secretary shook her head. "Apparently you're dumber than I thought. You're not going to sweet talk your way out of this one. You had a good thing and you blew it...you'll never find someone as good as Jo but then again, maybe you don't deserve her."
Anger ran through his veins. "For someone who didn't want me to speak to them, you sure do keep standing here running your mouth about something that isn't any of your business."
Sharon's brown eyes shot daggers. "When you mess with my friends, you mess with me; so you just remember that buddy boy. Why don't you just crawl down the hallway and go back to sniffing around Melanie and Callie; that seems to be the class of people you belong with!" she stated; turning on her heel and silencing Jeff's quiet laughter with an icy glare. "Do you think it's funny?" she asked him.
Jeff shook his head. "No ma'am."
"I didn't think so," she stated as she marched out of the room.
Once she was gone, Jeff laughed as he looked at his friend. "Well that's a hell of a way to start a Tuesday. Does your ass hurt from that chewing out it just got?"
Jim shot him a look. "Shut up."
"I haven't heard a tongue lashing like that in a long time," Jeff remarked.
"You could've helped me out."
"And face the wrath of Sharon? No way."
"Thanks a lot."
Jeff was about to comment when movement at the door caught his eye. "Now there's a pretty sight," he said as he smiled at Maggie.
"Good morning," Maggie said; a smile gracing her face as she approached Jeff and brushed a kiss against his lips.
"Should I say good morning to you or should I pretend like you don't see me?" Jim asked.
The softness of Maggie's features faded as she turned to face Jim. "You know; I used to think you were a nice person but I don't anymore."
"You too, huh."
"Just what is your problem, anyway?" she asked him. "Do you have something against being with a real woman with substance? Are you strictly bimbos? Is that what the problem is? She's not easy enough for you?"
Jim felt the urge to smack his head off a wall but he refrained. "No that isn't the problem."
Maggie scoffed; "Then what is it? You have so many women lined up that you can just toss her aside without a care?"
"That's not true at all! I care about her a great deal."
"You've got a funny way of showing it. If you ask me, you got off too easy. She should've punched you in the mouth."
"Well then I'm glad she didn't stop in the middle of the argument and call and ask for your advice," Jim retorted.
Maggie narrowed her eyes. "Oh it's not too late for her to take that piece of advice. I have a feeling that it would greatly appeal to her."
"I'm sure it would."
"And you'd deserve every second of it."
"I think this is getting blown out of proportion," Jim stated. "I'm sure everything will be fine in a few days."
Maggie laughed. "You're out of your mind."
"I don't know what she told you..."
"She told me everything," Maggie stated; "So don't even think about trying to turn this around on her. You're the one who acted like an ass and made her feel cheap."
"Cheap! Where did that come from?"
"Where do you think?" Maggie retorted. "I think you made it more than clear that she was good enough to sleep with; just not good enough to be in a relationship with you."
"That's not how it is."
"Yeah well it doesn't seem like it to her and it doesn't seem like it to me. You're just a dog like every other man in the world."
"Hey," Jeff chimed in.
Maggie rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry, honey, but you have your moments too."
"My moments aren't nearly as bad as Jim's though," he replied cheekily.
"You're such a great friend," Jim remarked.
"I try."
"Are you even able to look at yourself in the mirror, knowing what you did?" Maggie asked.
"You and Sharon act like I killed someone."
"Breaking a woman's heart should carry the same punishment as a murder," Maggie retorted tartly. "She'd give you anything and everything she could...she already does, and you repay her by insinuating that she isn't good enough to make a commitment to."
"I didn't mean it that way!" Jim protested.
"Well that's the way it sounded and it's hurtful and not something that she's just going to get over. You acted like a bastard and now you've lost your chance to be with her. I hope you're happy now."
He wasn't happy but he figured it was pointless to say so and wisely kept his mouth shut as Maggie kissed Jeff once more and then left the room.
"Well," his best friend stated; "You almost got frostbite from Johanna; Sharon chewed your ass out and Maggie just kicked what was left of you and it's not even nine yet."
Jim took a sip of his coffee and nodded. "It's going to be one of those days."
"I have a feeling you're in for a whole string of those days."
A weighted breath escaped his lips. "Why did she have to tell them our business?"
Jeff glanced at him. "Sassy is a woman scorned, and you my friend, are the man who scorned her and now you must be punished in the manner seen fit by the tribunal."
Jim smirked. "Who's the tribunal?"
"The scorned woman and her two closest gal pals. They've looked at the evidence and they've tried and convicted you. Now you await your sentence."
"What do you think my sentence will be?" Jim asked.
Jeff sighed and held his gaze. "I should think it's obvious; you're going to die, Jim. The real question is will it be slow and painful or quick and still somewhat painful?"
"The way my luck runs; it's going to be slow and very painful."
Jeff nodded. "Yeah; that's my guess too. If I was you; I'd sleep with one eye open and I wouldn't eat or drink anything they offer you. You should probably try to have someone with you as a witness to any unfortunate accidents you might have."
"That's a comforting thought."
Jeff smiled but then his expression turned serious. "They're not entirely wrong though...Jo is the best thing you've ever had and you hurt her. I know you have your reasons but maybe you need to ask yourself if they're good enough to justify losing her without ever taking the risk of being with her. She loves you, Jim; and you love her, and you need to think about what you're doing before you just throw that away."
He thought about it all the time...he thought about her all the time and hurting her wasn't something he was proud of but it had all spiraled out of control before he could stop it and it didn't look like it was going to get better anytime soon. Maybe he and Johanna just needed space for a few days and then they could work all of this out. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it seemed…and maybe he should've called in sick today, he mused as he glanced at the clock; like Jeff had said; it wasn't even nine and it seemed like the day couldn't get any worse.
He had been wrong; Jim thought as he dropped his pen on the desk and scrubbed a hand over his face. The day that seemed like it couldn't get any worse that morning, had in fact, gotten worse. First there had been an irate client who just couldn't seem to comprehend that the legal system was a slow moving process. The man apparently thought that since he had a sizeable bank account that justice should move at a faster clip for him and that Jim's other clients should take a backseat in deference to him as well.
After he had dealt with that crisis, he had been looking through his schedule and realized that an upcoming case would force him and Johanna to be on speaking terms. He really shouldn't be bothered by that; it would give him the perfect excuse to approach her during the next week and she wouldn't be able to give him the cold shoulder...at least in a manner of speaking. The thought did bother him though. It wasn't going to be easy to discuss work related issues when their own issues hung between them unresolved; unless of course they were resolved by then...but he doubted that. Things would be awkward; that was for sure, and he hated when things were awkward with Johanna...just like he hated it when she was mad at him.
Problem number three, which came in the form of his secretary, sauntered into his office with a glare and threw a file on his desk. It was the fourth file she had thrown at him that day and it was lucky for him that looks couldn't kill because if they could; he would've been dead by noon. "Alright, Sally; what the hell is your problem?" Jim asked; making her pause in her tracks.
Sally turned and approached his desk once again; her icy glare trained on him as she flipped her light brown hair over her shoulder. "I didn't realize I was working for a jerk until today," she answered.
So she was jumping on the bandwagon was she? He smirked at her. "Well, you don't have to, you know."
Sally matched his smirk with one of her own. "What, is that supposed to be a threat? Are you going to dump me too?"
"I haven't dumped anyone," Jim retorted.
She scoffed. "Then what do you call it?"
"I call it having a disagreement. I think you have to actually be with someone before you can dump them."
"That's just a stupid technicality," Sally replied. "You and Johanna were together in all the ways that mattered..."
"Not all of them," he interrupted.
His secretary smirked as she caught his meaning. "Well maybe if you had given her something; she would've given you something in return. All she wanted was acknowledgement but you're either too much of a coward to make a commitment or you're under the delusion that you're some playboy that has no need for just one woman when he has so many to choose from."
"I guess it's safe to assume that you've been talking to Johanna today," Jim replied.
"No; I've been talking to Maggie."
"Even better," he muttered.
"I only got to talk to Johanna long enough to tell her that she's probably better off and to ask her if she wanted me to poison your coffee."
"And what did she say?" Jim asked; casting a wary glance at his coffee cup and making a mental note not to ask Sally to get him a refill.
"She said not today but thanked me for the offer."
He nodded. "Johanna is the epitome of politeness."
"It's a shame we can't say the same about you," Sally quipped; the ringing of the phone on her desk, causing her to turn away.
"You're lucky I like you, Sally," he called after her.
"Don't expect me to go bragging about that," she called back as she disappeared from his view.
Quiet laughter from the doorway drew his gaze back to it and he found Jeff Campbell there; amusement gleaming in his dark eyes. "Boy, Jim; you're about as popular as a two dollar hooker at a church revival meeting."
He shot his friend a look. "How long have you been standing there and what do you want?"
Jeff chuckled and entered the office. "I've been there long enough to hear you get read the riot act for the third time today and I'm here to give you this file you said you'd look over."
Jim took the file from his friend's hand. "I'll have it back to you in a day or two."
"Oh I'm not worried...it's not like you're going to be having a busy social calendar that will distract you from your work or anything."
Jim blew out a frustrated breath. "I should've taken that job in Chicago."
"No; you should've given Johanna what she wanted; you can't expect her to be content with being strung along forever."
"Et tu Brutus?"
Jeff grinned. "Save the Shakespeare for Sassy when you're down on your knees begging for forgiveness."
Jim shoved a hand through his hair. "What am I going to do?"
"It's simple; you go buy her some flowers, and then you throw yourself at her feet and tell her that you're an idiot and that you're sorry. It wouldn't hurt to thrown in that you love her, and that you want to be with her; and if you really want to seal the deal; take a gift...jewelry would probably be wise."
Jim sighed. "You're no help at all."
"Hey; I'm serious," Jeff replied. "You screwed up and now it's going to cost you."
"I should've never kissed her...I knew that it would lead to nothing but trouble."
"And yet you did it anyway...and kept on doing it...and now the free sampling is over."
"You make it sound cheap."
"Well from what I hear; you made Johanna feel cheap."
"You know, your girlfriend has a big mouth," Jim stated.
Jeff nodded. "That may be but at least I publicly claim her as my girlfriend."
"I don't know why Johanna suddenly needs a label. Things were fine. I don't want to be pushed into a relationship."
"News flash; you're already in a relationship with her...or you were; she just wanted you to declare it."
"Well maybe I'm not ready to do that," Jim retorted.
Jeff held his gaze. "The ship is going down, buddy; and the life boat is pulling out; so you better get ready and jump aboard or...go down with the ship. Your call; just remember you had the choice when you see her out with someone else."
He didn't want to think of that and he didn't want to hear any more of this conversation. He pushed away from his desk and stood. "Where are you going?" Jeff asked.
"Upstairs; I'm hoping there's an out of town case sitting up there waiting on me."
His friend shook his head. "You can run but you can't hide."
"No one can hide in this office," Jim remarked. "I'm glad I'll be in court for the rest of the week."
Jeff laughed. "Yeah; you might be safer there."
Jim left the office; ignoring Sally's glare as he went. He really should've called in sick today.
"I hear Jim's having a bad day," Sharon remarked as she and Johanna sat at a small table in Johanna's office, sorting through court documents late that afternoon.
Johanna smirked. "My heart bleeds for him."
Her secretary laughed softly. "I didn't think the news would distress you."
"He deserves a bad day…a whole string of them."
"I have a feeling that with you being mad at him that he's in for plenty of bad days."
"He only has himself to blame," Johanna commented. "I wasn't asking him to go down to the church and marry me. I just want him to date me…you know, properly…as in 'yes, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man' as opposed to 'no, he's just a friend who's hoping we might sleep together when he takes me home later."
Sharon laughed. "I knew what you meant…but it's always fun when anger makes you blunt."
"I am angry," Johanna declared. "Make no mistake about that."
"I don't doubt it for a moment and I don't blame you either."
"I keep wondering if I should give back the jewelry he's given me. I know I have to send the concert tickets back but what about the jewelry?"
"I wouldn't do anything hasty," Sharon replied. "At least not until this week is over. He might surprise you and come around."
"I don't know about that."
"Phil and Jeff went over there to his place last night."
"I wonder how badly I was maligned during that male bonding session."
"Not as badly as I feared," her friend answered. "Unless I received faulty info."
Johanna looked at her in surprise. "Phil shared the details?"
"Hey, when he shows up at my door smelling like beer and wants to get in bed with me, he has to tell me what I want to know first."
"That's a good policy," she replied.
"I think so too," Sharon agreed; "And my source tells me that Jim is still unsure of what happened. All he knows is that one minute he was kissing you and the next you were demanding a relationship."
"Oh my God!" Johanna exclaimed. "He acts like I put a gun to his head and said date me or else!"
"Maybe you should have."
She shook her head. "If I'd had a gun, I would've probably shot him in the ass while he was leaving."
"That would've been the perfect lasting reminder for him," Sharon laughed.
"It's too bad I wasn't prepared."
"Yeah; apparently you ambushed him…his words, not mine."
"Ambushed him? A conversation is an ambush?" she asked in outrage. "I didn't know I had to warn him a week in advance that I might want to talk about our relationship…or lack there of. An ambush would be if I hid around the corner and then jumped out and punched him when he came by!"
"I take it your feeling violent today?" Sharon asked.
"You're damn right I'm feeling violent," she replied. "It'll be three years at the end of this month that we met; two years since we kissed for the first time…and everything we've been through since then, all the lines we've crossed and the things he said last summer about some day and he just slaps me in the face with it. I'm supposed to just be happy and content because he's fine with how things are…well I'm not."
"Hey; I'm with you; it's time for things to move along. I don't know what his problem is but from what I hear, he doesn't feel a need to change; you don't need a label."
Johanna scoffed. "Well if he doesn't need change or a label then he better stop needing sex from me, because it won't ever happen the way he wants it to. I've heard his 'things are fine the way they are' song and dance and I'm sick of it. He ought to go have it put on a record and I can just play it on repeat anytime I get the idea in my head of us being more."
"Don't tempt him."
It grew quiet for a few minutes as they concentrated on their work but as her anger dulled to a low roar for the moment, the hurt came rushing back. "I just never thought he'd hurt me like this," she murmured. "I didn't think it would be an easy conversation…but I never imagined it turning out like this. I mean I always knew that he might not want it but I didn't expect him to be so hurtful in his way of rejecting me."
Sharon gave her a small sympathetic smile. "You know what they say; you always hurt the one you love."
"I just hope it's worth it," she whispered; "Because if this is really it…there's going to be a big hole in my life for a long time. I don't think I'd be able to trust anyone in the same way again."
"Don't go jumping the gun," her friend replied; reaching out to rub her arm. "The battle is just getting started; you haven't lost the war yet."
Johanna nodded. "I know…it's just hard. We've fought before but this…"
"This is totally different with more on the line," Sharon provided.
"Yeah…and it's kind of like having the ground jerked out from under my feet in some ways."
"You're still standing," Sharon assured her. "No matter what; you'll come out of it okay…you might have a bruise or two but you'll be fine…and mostly likely, you'll come out of it with him."
A small smile touched her lips. "You know, it's funny how you can be so angry with someone and feel so hurt…and yet still love and want them at the same time."
"I know," the secretary replied; "Believe me I know; and it sucks and it'll keep you awake at night but it's all apart of the journey I guess. Of course that doesn't make it feel any better, does it?"
"No," she said with a smile; "But I appreciate it any way."
Sharon grinned. "Just go back to those angry violent images in your head; it'll settle the hurt a little bit."
Johanna laughed. "It is easier to be mad."
"Then get mad, honey; you do it so well."
"Mad it is," she replied; her spirits lifting a little for the moment.
The days of that week passed slowly; and the friends of Jim and Johanna watched intently every day for any sign that things might be making a turn for the better…but there was no sign; no appearance of either one of them being willing to bend although none of them expected it of Johanna. They all knew that it was going to be up to Jim to make things change…and yet day after day they watched him do nothing…and day after day, Johanna's hurt seemed to deepen and her anger grew.
Sharon and Maggie kept a close eye on her; encouraging her to rant and rave whenever she needed…and providing a shoulder when the tears insisted on flowing. She was sticking to her guns, but they could see how much it was hurting her to do so, and Sharon was sure she could see that flicker of hope waning.
Jeff and Phil and even Zach kept after Jim as much as possible; trying to nudge him into formulating a proper plan instead of just winging things but their friend was stubborn and he didn't seem inclined to budge as the week wound down. He was waiting it out; doing his best to convince himself that it would blow over and she'd talk to him when she was ready. Jeff knew he didn't really believe that but he also knew that his friend was too stubborn to admit it…but he saw the worry in his eyes and the tight line of his jaw that hinted at his stress.
The whole building was buzzing with the news of Jim and Johanna's apparent 'break up'; rumors running rampant and Johanna's popularity among the pool of eligible men rising as Sharon had predicted…although they were bidding their time before approaching her…and there was rumor of a pool about who would be the first to get a yes out of her.
The discord between Jim and Johanna affected their friends; their usually tight knit circle feeling somewhat out of sorts; the loyalty of the women laid with Johanna; the men held their loyalty with Jim…but remained a more neutral party as they did sympathize with Johanna and her plight. Awkward silences always fell across the break room when they were all sharing the same air space; watching as Jim and Johanna blatantly ignored each other; only sneaking glances of one another when the other wasn't looking.
By the end of the work week, tension was taking its toll as Jeff and Maggie stood outside the law firm; watching as Johanna hailed a cab while Jim drove away in his car.
"I think they're giving me an ulcer," Jeff commented as he walked Maggie to his car.
"We'll get you some Rolaids," she replied with a soft smile. "But I know what you mean…it sure isn't comfortable around here lately."
"It sure the hell isn't…I just wonder how long it's going to be this way."
"It's going to be this way as long as Jim refuses to budge," Maggie replied; "And we both know it."
Restlessness was overtaking Johanna on Sunday evening as the hours slid by without her phone ringing or anyone knocking on her door. She frowned as she traced a pattern on the arm of her sofa; for whatever reason she had been waiting on Jim to show up out of the blue. She didn't know why; after all, he hadn't given any inkling of wanting to talk to her all week…but she had hoped that by the end of the weekend he might miss her enough to come around. She'd been wishing for it; imagining how he'd come to her door and ask her if they could talk and she'd let him in. In her fantasy, the talking and the apologies led to her ultimate goal of becoming a couple. He'd agree that it was time they gave it a chance and everything would be fine.
She shook her head; she always felt so stupid when she allowed a fantasy to convince her of something that just wasn't going to happen. Jim wasn't going to come over and he wasn't going to call. His week was up…and that meant she'd have to start showing him that she was moving on. She didn't relish the thought…but it was time. Johanna sighed deeply as she glanced at the clock once more; 11:35; he wasn't coming. Feeling the sting of tears, she clicked off the television and decided to head to bed; perhaps her dreams would be more pleasant than reality at the moment.
Jim sat in his car on the opposite side of the street from Johanna's building; staring up at the light coming from her living room window. He closed his eyes; wondering what had made him come there after having dinner at his parents…but then again, he knew the answer. His entire being ached to be with her; to put all of this to rest and yet there he sat…and he'd been sitting there for over two hours trying to make up his mind.
His eyes flicked open, focusing on that warm light coming from her apartment. He could just go knock on the door…even though she told him never to come back…because he didn't really believe that she had meant that; she was just upset and wanted to hurt him as much as he'd hurt her. It did hurt him…everything about this hurt and he kept holding back despite knowing how stupid it was. He should just get out of the car and go up there and ask to talk; she'd probably be willing to do that if he asked. He looked to his watch and then looked back to the window just as the light went out. He frowned; she was going to bed…but she wasn't one to fall asleep quickly; he had time, he just had to get out of the car and get moving or forget it and go home. He blew out a frustrated breath and started the engine; maybe it was best just to go home for the time being.
…to be continued