Reflections Chapter 42 -The Heart Wants Pt 3, a castle fanfic

A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 42- The Heart Wants What It Wants – Part 3

Johanna sighed with disgust late Saturday morning as she plucked dresses from a rack at the fifth store she, Sharon and Maggie had entered. Nothing seemed quite right for the gala; in fact everything seemed the opposite of what she was looking for. Maggie and Sharon had already found their dresses; and yet she was still looking. As if a dress could solve her problems…but then again, maybe the right one could. She had to try; it wasn't like she had anything left to lose.

"Round three," Sharon declared as Johanna carried the pile of dresses into the dressing room once again.

"Shut up," she replied as she shut the small door and latched it before kicking off her shoes and taking the first dress off the hanger.

"You're a little moody today, Jo," her friend replied.

"I'm sorry," Johanna muttered sincerely as she tossed her jeans and blouse on the chair and wished for the thousandth time that they'd make dressing room doors normally instead of that half a door business that anyone could look under or over. Not that she thought anyone was going to…but it was always on her mind that they might. She shook off the thought and dropped the dress over her head.

"It's alright," Sharon remarked. "I understand; this whole situation has you down but we're going to work it out."

Johanna scoffed as she looked in the mirror and frowned. That dress was all wrong, she thought to herself as she pulled it off and put it back on the hanger. She draped it over the top of the door. "Put that one back."

"What's wrong with it?" Maggie asked as she pulled the silk mint green dress from the top of the door. "You always look pretty in green."

"I hate it," she replied as she pulled on a purple cocktail dress. "Are you still out there?"

"Yes," both of her friends answered.

"Good; put this one back too; it's hideous."

Maggie grabbed the dress from the top of the door when it appeared. Sharon caught her eye and whispered; "We should've gone to those boutiques that give you champagne while you shop."

"I heard that," Johanna called out as a dark blue dress got tossed over to Maggie. "Only bridal shops do that and I'm not in need of one of those."

"We are going to have to start looking for bridesmaids dresses in the next few weeks," Sharon remarked.

A thud sounded in the dressing room, startling both women. Maggie ducked her head to make sure Johanna's feet were still visible beneath the door and seeing that they were, she called out to her. "What was that noise, Jo?"

"Oh it was nothing; my head just smacked off the wall. Don't worry about it."

"Was it an accident or was it on purpose?" Sharon asked.

"I'd rather not say."

"I guess maybe today isn't a good time to bring up bridesmaid dress shopping, is it?"

"Only if you hate me, Sharon."

"I guess we can talk about it next week…but we're going to have to go looking soon."

Another thud sounded, followed by a peach colored dress being tossed over the door.

"We've got time," Maggie said. "We don't need to discuss it today."

"I know," Sharon replied; "And we won't…I don't want her getting a concussion."

"It's nothing personal," Johanna stated. "I've just developed this distaste for dress shopping over the past year."

"I swear I'm going to make it as quick and painless as possible."

"That's what they all say," she replied. "Do you know how many times I've been a bridesmaid or maid of honor?"

"No," the secretary answered. "I haven't been keeping a tally for that one."

Johanna was quiet, a teal colored dress appearing at the top of the door. "Well, are you going to tell us?" Sharon asked.

"Tell you what?"

"How many times you've been a bridesmaid."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's embarrassing," she answered; a champagne colored dress joining the pile in Maggie's hand. "Oh God, why did I even pick this up; it's yellow!" she exclaimed, tossing it over as well.

"How many more do you have in there?" Maggie asked as she heard Johanna shuffling around.

"Just this one," she answered as she looked at the dark pink garment she had on. "Put it back too," she announced as she pulled it off and put it back on the hanger and tossed it over.

"Listen, Jo," Maggie said; "How about you stay in there and I'll go pick out some things for you to try. Maybe you just need someone else to look, okay?"

She sighed. "Okay."

Sharon moved closer to the dressing room door. "Maybe it would help if you told us what you're looking for," she said as she listened to Johanna pace.

"I'm looking for something to catch a man! I thought we all knew that."

"Sorry; I must've forgotten."

"I'm glad someone can forget," she muttered.

"What kind of man catching dress do you want?"

"One that works!"

"We'll find it," Sharon assured as her friend continued to pace.

"We might find it but will it do any good?"

"Sure it will."

Johanna groaned. "You always say that when you're skeptical. Why don't you just say it, there's no hope."

"That's not true at all. There's plenty of hope. He's coming along, don't give up."

She sighed. "You know, I know I'm not a beauty queen and I don't win any popularity contests; but I've never had this much trouble trying to get a man to date me!"

"I know, honey," her best friend soothed. "Usually they chase you and now you've got to do the chasing. It's not easy but it'll be worth it."

"Am I not pretty enough?" Johanna asked.

"Don't be ridiculous, you're gorgeous. And you know he wants to sleep with you; I mean he's made that very clear."

"Is it my personality? Is that why guys don't want me for anything more than a good time?"

"No," Sharon answered. "There's nothing wrong with your personality; if there was, he wouldn't have stuck around for this long."

"Then what's wrong with me?" Johanna asked. "There has to be some reason that he doesn't want me. What is it? I mean, you have a man, Maggie's got a man, Sally's got a man, Melanie has every man…what the hell is wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you, Jo; you just picked a stubborn man."

"What do I do those things for?" she cried.

"Because you can't help yourself, sweetie."

"What more do I have to do to get him to commit to me?" Johanna said as she continued to pace. "He acts like we've only been whatever it is we are for a month or two…it's been two years since he kissed me and it isn't like he's ever stopped since then!"

"I know."

"What do I have to do? Beg him?"

"Hell no," Maggie declared as she reappeared at the door. "We don't ride that bus; we don't beg. They beg. Here try these on," she said as she laid the dresses over the door.

Johanna was quiet as she tried on a white dress and then pulled it off; putting it back on the hanger and laying it over the door. "That's not the one," she announced.

"You've got more," Maggie told her.

Her fingers rubbed against the red silk of the second dress. She loved red; maybe this would be the one. She tried it on and she liked it…but it didn't feel quite right either. "I like the red, but it doesn't seem right."

"Toss it over," Maggie replied.

"Don't put it back; I might buy it anyway…just in case I ever need it."

"I'll hold on to it," Sharon said as she grabbed the dress to keep it from going into the discarded pile. "You'll need this when you and Jim start going on real dates."

"What year is that going to be?" Johanna asked as she discarded a dark green dress without even trying it on.

"It's going to be this year; mark my words."

She picked up the next dress; it was strapless and basic black with no adornment and it was the softest velvet she had ever felt in her life. She slipped into it without hesitation and then turned to look at the mirror. This could be it, she thought to herself; it fit her like a glove and was shorter than she usually wore her dresses; showing off her legs. She was probably showing off much more than usual, she mused. The cut of the bodice was modest and yet somehow felt slightly more revealing than she was used to. She turned in front of the mirror, looking at every angle possible. She liked the way she felt in it…she felt pretty in this dress…confident and sassy…she loved it; maybe Maggie had found the winner. She opened the dressing room door and stepped out to show her friends. "What do you think?" she asked.

"If that's not a man catching dress, nothing is," Sharon remarked.

"That's the one," Maggie said with a nod. "You look great; that dress was made for you."

"It doesn't look too tight does it? I mean it doesn't feel tight…but it looks it."

"It's just right," Sharon told her. "Show off that figure, let him see what he's missing."

"I feel like I'm showing off a lot," Johanna admitted.

Maggie grinned. "My mother always says if you've got it, flaunt it…and you've got it, so flaunt it, Jo."

She laughed. "I do like it…I'm going to get this one."

"Great," her friends said at once.

"I just wish I had a date," she remarked as she stepped back into the dressing room to change clothes.

"We'll find you one," her secretary declared. "Who do you want to go with?"

Johanna scoffed. "Take a wild guess."

"Really, Sharon," Maggie said with a short laugh. "Are you even on the same planet with us today?"

"Ha ha," Sharon replied. "I admit, my brain might be a little fuzzy. I may have overindulged in the wine last night with Phil."

"That would explain it," Maggie replied.

"Okay; I know you want to go with Jim," Sharon said as Johanna finished changing her clothes.

"Yeah; but that's not going to happen. We talked about the gala before this happened but he didn't ask me to go with him, and the way things are now it wouldn't matter if he had."

"Who's your second choice?" Maggie asked.

"I don't have one."

"What about Daniel?" the secretary suggested.

"No," Johanna stated as she stepped out of the dressing room with the dress draped over her arm.

"You didn't mention your date with him last night," Maggie remarked. "What happened, did it go badly?"

"I thought it went well," she replied; "But he begged to differ. He said I spent the whole time thinking about Jim."

"How the hell does he know?" Sharon asked. "Is he a mind reader?"

"He acts like it. I told him I thought we had a nice time and that I was sorry he didn't. Then as the icing on the cake he says 'but I'm still going to ask you out again' and I stood there thinking, don't bother. I'll be damned if I'm going to go out with someone who gives me a critique at the end of the date; although he said no more dinner dates, we'll stick to lunch."

"Bastard," Maggie declared; "And here I thought he was half way decent."

"Yeah, me too," Johanna replied. "I'm not going out with him anymore."

"You don't have to," Sharon said. "There are plenty more out there; you'll nab one for the gala."

"I hope so…but for now, I'll settle for heading to Macy's to nab some shoes for this dress."

"I need shoes too," Maggie declared. "Let's go pay and move on to the shoe shopping."

"I'm glad you came over today to help me give Zelda a tune up," Robert said to Jim as he patted his red Chevy Impala fondly before lifting the hood.

"No problem, Dad; you know I enjoy it," he replied.

"I know you do…but I'm also taking it as a sign that you're ready to talk about what's been bothering you."

"What makes you think something's been bothering me?"

Robert chuckled softly. "I've known you since the day you were born; I know when something is bothering you. You haven't been yourself the last few times you've been over. What's going on?"

Jim sighed. "I screwed up my life."

"Again?" his father asked.

"Yeah."

"Good lord, Jimmy; did you make that girl mad at you again?"

Jim nodded as he reached into the tool box. "I sure did."

"How bad is it?"

"Pretty bad…probably as bad as it can get."

"What happened?"

Jim busied himself with the spark plugs. "She wants more…she wants a real relationship and a commitment."

Robert nodded. "So she's finally pushed her chips to the center of the table and called your hand, has she?"

"You could say that."

"And I take it that you gave the wrong answer."

"Apparently so."

His father sighed. "Maybe you should tell me everything."

It wasn't a story he was proud of but Jim filled him in on the details. "Sounds like you reacted badly," his father said once he had finished.

"I guess so."

"You hurt her."

"I know, Dad…that's why she's going out with other men."

"That's not the only reason," Robert said as he worked beneath the hood of the car. "She's showing you that she can move on if you don't want her; that someone else will take what you passed up."

"I don't know why women always have to have more when things are fine," Jim commented.

"Women are nurturers," his father replied. "They need someone to love and take care of. They need security and stability for themselves. They want to be needed and loved. When they get to a certain age they start getting serious about their future. Johanna wants to find a man she can settle down with…not just one that just wants a fun romp when the mood strikes. She wants you…and it really shouldn't be a surprise to you, should it?"

He shrugged. "I guess it depends on your meaning."

Robert eyed his son. "It shouldn't surprise you that she wants more. Hasn't it been obvious that this girl wants more than a good time from you?"

"What, are you agreeing with Mom all of a sudden about her motives?"

"Jimmy, don't be stupid; you know I didn't mean that at all," his father retorted. "I told you this was all going to blow up in your face and now it has. Now let me ask you something; does Johanna behave the way she does with you with other male friends?"

"Of course not!"

"Was she going out with other men before this?"

"No."

"In the time that you've known her, when was the last time she dated another man?"

That would've been Brad, he thought to himself and he calculated the time frame. "I guess it's been about a year and a half."

Robert nodded. "So for a year and a half, you've been the man in her life."

"I've been in her life for three years, Dad; or at least it will be at the end of the month."

"But the fact remains that since that relationship ended; you've been the man in her life…as in exclusively."

"I had already kissed her before she went out with the Ken doll ad man," Jim stated.

"What of it?" Robert asked. "Apparently it wasn't something that was happening frequently or she wouldn't have dated someone else. What about you? That first year and a half that you knew each other, did you see other women?"

"Yes," he muttered.

"And when Johanna's relationship ended and things seemed to shift between you; she didn't see other men?"

"No."

"Did you see other women?"

"No."

"Then for the last year and a half you've been exclusive 'friends'."

"Fine, if you want to put it that way but in my mind it's three years."

"Jimmy," his father laughed. "The first year and a half you weren't exclusive; the next year and a half you were. A year and a half plus a year and a half equals three years. You always got A's in mathematics; I know you can add."

"What's your point, Dad?"

"The point is, what's the problem? Why couldn't you have that discussion about moving your relationship along?"

"I told you before; labels change things. It's a different kind of pressure and I know how it ends. I don't want to blow it."

"Looks like you already blew it…what's your next excuse?"

"I believe I covered them all with that statement," Jim replied.

"And I believe your excuses against a serious relationship are wearing a little thin," Robert remarked.

"How do you figure?"

"Because excuses always wear thin when they no longer hold merit. I know you've had relationships that ended and that it hurt…but that was how it was meant to be, son. You're not the only person who's been hurt; we've all been hurt at one time or another and we don't permanently shun relationships because of it. We learn and move on. Has Johanna ever given you any indication that she's like the women that have hurt you?"

"No."

"So those excuses don't really hold merit, do they?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Of course not," Robert replied. "You want to believe that you're completely right about this and that Johanna was wrong to ask for a proper courtship; but she's not wrong to want that, Jimmy…especially when you've spent so much time acting like a couple in almost every way. What did you think was going to happen?"

"I tried not to think about it too much."

"Well there's your problem," his father remarked. "You're either thinking too much or thinking too little. I believe you told me awhile ago that you and Johanna had an understanding."

Jim nodded. "Yeah; that some day things might change between us."

Robert eyed him. "Some day is here, son. She's waited patiently…and probably longer than most women. Maybe she had her own issues to work out while she waited and that bough you extra time; but she's ready now and she wants you to be ready too. I don't think your reluctance has anything to do with your excuses…I think you're avoiding this relationship because you feel like you're giving up something."

"Like what?" he asked.

"Your independence."

He scoffed. "Why do you say that?"

"Because you told me once that things would be different with Johanna; that they'd be more serious."

"They would be."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I don't know," he muttered.

"You see, that's why I don't think this is about the past. It's about you. You feel like you're giving something up by giving this a chance; but you're not. This is a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate young woman who's been good to you. She's been there for you when you needed someone; she's taken care of you when you've been sick and hurt. She's gotten to know your family; she's supportive of you, she's been a companion, she feeds you, she's your sounding board when you have a problem…and most of all, she makes you happy; doesn't she? Does she make you happy, Jimmy?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah."

"She's telling you that she wants to be with you…why is that so terrible?"

"Because things were fine the way they were."

"Were they? She's not the only one who's been wanting something more from this relationship; is she?"

Jim moved away from the car and headed for the fridge to grab a soda. "I don't think I want to talk about it."

Robert scoffed. "Jimmy; I'm not stupid and you basically spelled it out when you told me what went down between the two of you. I know what you want from her."

"Everyone acts like I only want to sleep with her!"

"Well that seems to be the thing you're willing to give in to…and nothing else. Johanna's a lady; she was probably raised with the idea that she should be in a loving, committed relationship before taking that step…maybe that's why she pushed the issue. Maybe she's ready to cross that line too, but she needs to know that she's not going to be hurt when it's over…that you're not just going to walk away and forget her once you go there."

"I would never do that to her!"

"I should hope not. You told me once that you love her…is that still true?"

He sighed. "Of course it is."

"Does anyone else know that you love her?"

"Jeff knows."

Robert nodded. "So you can tell me and you can tell your best friend; but you can't tell Johanna?"

"It's complicated."

"Because you made it that way. When she brought up the topic, you could've had a serious discussion about it."

"She ambushed me."

Robert laughed. "Was she supposed to send you an engraved invitation telling you a time and date for a discussion about your relationship? If she had done that; you would've taken a leave of absence and you'd be hiding out up at the cabin until the threat passed."

Jim frowned; his father wasn't entirely wrong about that. "But still," he muttered.

"But nothing. I don't know why she picked that moment; could she have picked a better one? Maybe. But you could've reacted better as well. If you needed some time to think, you could've just said to her that you needed time to think and that you'd come back the next day and talk to her…I bet she would've been understanding of that and the explosion could've been avoided."

"Maybe," Jim replied; "But it's too late for all of that."

"So what do you want to do about it?"

"I want to fix it but I don't know how…I keep making things worse."

Robert sighed. "You left out the part about making it worse."

He filled him in on getting even with Johanna for her lunch dates and everything else that had happened in the aftermath of their fight. When he finished, his father shook his head at him. "Jimmy."

"I know; I'm not proud of it…I just can't seem to help myself."

"Well you better start trying to help yourself or you're going to lose any chance you have to be with her."

"How do I get us back to where we were?" Jim asked. "She isn't going to listen to anything I say right now."

"You're going to have to try harder," Robert stated. "Don't give up after a few attempts. You have to control your temper and your impatience…you got your handsome charm from me and your mother's bad temper and impatience."

Jim smirked at him. "I guess I couldn't have everything good."

"No; I guess not; but you to need get a grip on that while dealing with Johanna. She's hurting now, she's liable to lash out and she might keep pushing you away at first. Be patient, don't just give up. Keep showing up, make an effort; try talking to her…apologize."

"Apologize?"

"Yes; apologize; you hurt her feelings and you need to show that you're sorry."

Jim raked a hand through his hair. "What else?"

"You could try understanding her better; you could tell her that you want to give it a try."

"I just want to get things back to the way they were."

"Things are never going to be the same again, Jimmy," Robert stated. "There's no reset button. If you play your cards right, you can get the boat back into calmer waters, and then you make amends and move on to that next stage. I know moving to the next step is a nervous feeling; we've all felt it, but once it happens, you'll feel better, son. I think you and Johanna can make this work. She's willing; I think you are too; you're just afraid to accept that belief. I'm not telling you these things to step on your toes or to make you feel like I think you're wrong for your feelings…I just think you have the wrong reasons for them. I want you to be happy; I want to see you with a good woman, to have the kind of love I have and your brother has. It's worth the risk, Jimmy. Give it a chance. You love her and she loves you…I think she's afraid to use those words right now because she was afraid you'd reject her, and seeing how you reacted, she was probably wise in the wording she chose; but it doesn't change the fact; the love is there and she wants to give it to you. You need to think about what you want; you need to think about her a little more and how she feels. You can work this out; just put the effort in."

He nodded. "I understand, Dad; I'll try harder."

"Good; I hope you work it out…and if you need anything; I'm here."

Jim smiled. "I appreciate it."

"That's what fathers are for," Robert replied with a grin. "Now let's get this car finished."

After the ladies finished their shopping and had lunch, they headed back to Johanna's apartment and opened up a bottle of wine as they admired their purchases and indulged in the usual girl talk. As the bottle of wine emptied, Johanna began to turn melancholy as she stared at the pair of strappy, silver three and a half inch heels she had bought. They were perfect; but would she have any luck while wearing them?

"What are you thinking about, Jo?" Sharon asked as she resisted the urge to refill her glass again.

"Maybe I should call him," Johanna replied.

"And say what?"

"That he wins," she answered before taking another sip of wine.

"No," Sharon and Maggie both proclaimed.

"You can't do that," Maggie added; "Then he'll never date you."

"He's never going to date me anyway," she announced. "He likes no strings affairs and I need strings. My life would be so much easier if I didn't need strings."

"You have morals," Sharon stated. "Needing strings isn't a bad thing. You deserve strings."

Johanna sniffed. "Then why won't he give me any? It could all be very simple; I mean he wants something and I want something; if he gives me strings, I'll sleep with him; we both win. Why won't he do that?"

"Because he's a jackass," Maggie remarked. "He hasn't gotten with the program yet."

"I can't even get him enrolled in the program," Johanna cried. "Is the idea of being attached to me that terrible?"

"No," her friends declared.

"It's not you, Jo," Sharon stated. "It's him; he has a problem."

Maggie nodded. "He's had his head stuck up his ass so far for so long that now it's stuck and he can't get it out."

"Can't Jeff pull it out?" Johanna asked. "I know he's loyal to him but he could help me out."

"He's trying," Maggie replied. "He's just not very successful."

"Obviously," Sharon agreed. "I still can't believe that stunt Jim pulled in the break room with Melanie."

"I'm always picking the wrong guys," Johanna lamented. "They just pretend to love me until they get what they want and then I'm nothing. See, this is why I didn't cross the line with Jim…somewhere in my brain I knew he didn't really want me."

"Yes he does," Maggie told her. "He's just afraid of losing his freedom; like he's some big time ladies man with a harem waiting on him."

"Well he is handsome," Johanna remarked; "And he's smart and funny; warm and kind…when he's not being a mean spirited jackass. He's also very good at kissing…fantastic really…and he knows how to make you lose your train of thought…."

"That's what got you into this mess," Sharon commented.

"I know; it's my fault for falling for him. I should've known better. I don't know why I had to be so stupid…but if I'm stupid enough to love him, he should be stupid enough to love me back!"

"That's right," Maggie said; raising her glass in salute.

"I should call him up and tell him that!" Johanna exclaimed, her words slurring slightly.

"No!" Sharon said as Johanna reached for the phone.

"Do it," Maggie told her. "Tell him how it is."

"Jo, don't do it," Sharon said as she dialed the number. "You've had one glass too many and you'll hate yourself when the wine wears off."

Johanna waved a hand at her. "I hated myself before the wine; don't worry about it. He has to be told how it is!"

Sharon groaned and watched as Johanna listened to the line ring endlessly. "He's not answering," she declared.

"They never answer when you want them to," Maggie remarked.

"Don't encourage her," Sharon chastened; although she knew Maggie had more to drink than she had.

"Oh let her tell him off; she's earned it," Maggie replied.

"I can't tell him off when he won't answer the phone," Johanna said as she slammed down the receiver. "Coward. Maybe I should just give up men and get a cat."

"Oh you don't want to do that," Sharon replied. "They have their good points."

"Oh yeah? What are they? I haven't seen any lately," Johanna retorted.

Sharon shrugged. "Well, there's sex."

Johanna laughed. "I've done without it for this long, I can go longer."

"True," her best friend replied. "And there are times when it isn't worth the hype…there have been times when I had to fake it. Maggie; do you ever fake it?"

"Hell no," Maggie replied. "Why should I have to work that hard? If I don't want it, I don't do it. I tell Jeff no if I'm not in the mood; he can either stay and go to sleep or he can go home and pout."

"I'm with you," Johanna said. "I'm not faking anything; it's either I'm involved or it's not happening…not that I have to worry about it."

Sharon laughed. "A few more years and you might be considered a virgin again, Jo."

"Great," she scoffed as she picked up her wine glass. "I'd join a convent but I hate the uniform and I'd probably break the vow of silence within the first five minutes."

"And you might change your mind about the sex," Maggie laughed.

"It's been know to happen," Johanna replied. "I changed my mind in Atlantic City but then Jeff needed bail money and…well…it didn't happen."

"I feel partially responsible for that," Maggie told her. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "Don't be; if we had had went through with it, I would've excepted our relationship to change in the morning and he wouldn't have wanted to change and we'd still be right here where we are…so really, we just prolonged the inevitable by a week."

Sharon sighed on her friend's behalf. "With all the trouble he's being, are you sure you want him?"

Johanna eyed her. "If I didn't, would I torment myself like this? The real question is, do you really want to marry Phil when you have to fake it?"

"I don't fake it all the time! Just once every so often."

"How often?" Maggie asked.

"Once every few months; it's not a big deal."

"Would be to me," Johanna said. "If I'm sleeping with someone, I want it to be good every time…and I want to know that I can say no when I don't want it and not feel like I did something wrong."

"I could say no; I do say no at times…it's just sometimes he's trying very hard to be so romantic and I'm just not really in the mood but I don't want to disappoint him."

"You should just be honest with him," Maggie replied. "I'm sure he can be romantic when you are in the mood...although he is a little uptight, no offense."

"I know he can be uptight in public," Sharon remarked; "But when we're alone, he's so different."

"I don't think he likes me," Johanna declared.

"Yes he does," Sharon told her.

She shook her head. "He doesn't, I can tell."

"You just think that because you're tipsy."

"I think it when I'm sober. But it's okay; men just don't like me…that's why Jim won't date me."

Sharon laughed. "Jo; put down the wine."

She shook her head. "I'm not done yet. I haven't figured out what's wrong with me yet. I mean my father doesn't like me, my brother hated me…but he likes me a little better now that we don't have to live in the same house and I can babysit his son. I got my heart broken way more than I broke any hearts in school…Cade used me and made a fool out of me. Jim rejected me…even Daniel told me I was a bad date. There's something wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you," Maggie told her. "We've already been over that."

"There has to be."

"Do you want to know what it is?" Sharon asked.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah…then I can stop being that way."

"You're too soft hearted," her friend told her. "You want to see the good in everyone so you let people keep hurting you until you can't take it anymore. It's not something you can change, Jo; it's who you are. You have a good loving heart…and it wants what it wants."

"It wants Jim," she cried.

"I know and we're going to get him for you."

"You keep saying we and yet I'm the one going through all the torment," Johanna replied.

"If you think I'm not feeling your pain, you're wrong," Sharon told her. "I feel it and I want to punch him on your behalf."

"I feel it too," Maggie remarked. "I will punch him if you want me to…just pay my bail."

"Okay," Johanna told her. "I'll pay it and represent you at the hearing."

"Deal; the next time an opportunity presents itself for me to pop him one, you know, accidentally on purpose, I'll do it."

"You're a good friend, Maggie," she replied.

"What the hell am I?" Sharon asked.

"You're a good friend too."

"Unless you're faking it," Maggie laughed.

Sharon giggled. "I should've never told you two about that. I hate myself."

"It's okay," Johanna told her. "We love you anyway."

"I love you both too."

"I'm glad somebody besides my mother loves me," Johanna replied.

Sharon got up from the chair and crossed the room to Johanna and took the wine glass from her hand. "You've had enough; you're turning into sad, weepy Jo."

"I've been sad weepy Jo ever since Jim told me he didn't want me," she remarked. "I've also been angry, hurt, confused…and a bunch of words I don't remember at the moment."

"That's okay; I know all of the moods you've been in and I don't blame you; but it's going to work out."

"I hope it's soon," she murmured as she hugged a throw pillow to her chest. "I miss him…I miss when he holds me…he's so good at that, you know?"

"Is he?" Maggie asked gently, encouraging her to continue.

She nodded. "It always feels so good…and sometimes we fall asleep together and I always sleep so good when he's here. He keeps me warm and safe and he doesn't mind when I wrap myself around him in my sleep. I want him to stay with me all the time…I want all the things we could have…all the things you two have with Phil and Jeff."

"You'll have them," Sharon replied. "He'll get his head out of his ass eventually…we just have to loosen it up for him."

"I just want to love him…he won't let me love him…doesn't he know how much that hurts me? He told me last summer that things could change…he lied to me. Why do men always have to lie?"

"It seems to be a biological defect," Maggie declared.

"They seem to have a lot of biological defects," she replied.

"That's true," Sharon agreed. "They lie, they hurt us, they ignore us, they forget the things they're supposed to remember, they don't always listen, and sometimes we come last in their lives if we're competing against a ball game and a case of beer."

"Why do we bother with them?" Johanna asked.

"For the reasons you named earlier," Maggie said. "They're nice to hold on to at night. I know I love sleeping next to Jeff…I don't love the noise he makes in the mornings, but I love going to sleep with him. And they can be sweet when they want to."

"And they can make us laugh when we're unhappy," Johanna added softly.

Sharon nodded. "And they can fix things…and they like to protect us."

"They take care of us when we need taken care of," Maggie commented.

Johanna sighed. "I should call Jim…"

"And say what?" Sharon found herself asking once again.

"And tell him that I just want to love him and I don't know why he won't let me…I can love him better than anyone."

Sharon went to the stand and pulled the cord out of the back of the phone. "Don't call him."

"Why?"

"Because he's not home and he's just going to upset you further if you tell him that…you don't want that do you?"

"No," she replied. "I just want him to love me back."

"I hate to see you depressed, Jo," the secretary replied as she sat down between Johanna and Maggie and pulled her friend into a hug. "Jim loves you, he's just afraid to admit it, but he will. We just have to find the right card to play to get him to do it."

"I hope we find the right card soon…I'm getting tired of shuffling the deck," Johanna commented. "Can I have my wine back?"

"No," Sharon answered; "And we're going to change the subject…you need to be happy Jo for awhile…because come Monday you'll be running into jackass again and you'll feel like crying."

"Maybe I'll call in sick."

Maggie shook her head. "Then you'd just see him Tuesday."

"True…may as well blow the whole week right from the start," Johanna replied.

"Maybe it won't be that bad," Sharon said. "Maybe he isn't home because he's down at the hospital getting his head removed from his ass. Things could look brighter on Monday."

Johanna laughed. "He might not make it to work on Monday if he's having that procedure done…I imagine there's extensive damage and they'll have to keep him for awhile."

"Maybe he's getting a transplant," Maggie giggled.

"Or some shock therapy," Sharon suggested.

"They should let me flip the switch if they're doing that," Johanna replied. "I think I've earned it."

"I'll drink to that," Maggie declared.

"I would too but Sharon took my glass."

"Oh alright," Sharon replied; "We're all having one more drink and then that's it…we want to be sobered up by Monday."

Johanna smiled as took back her glass and took a long sip; Monday was the last thing she wanted to think about.

Jim, Jeff and Phil were loitering in the break room on Monday for their mid morning coffee break when Johanna entered the room.

"Don't stop talking on my account," Johanna said as the conversation ceased in the room.

"It's not like that," Jeff replied. "We were just done with that conversation."

"Mhmm," she hummed as she moved to the counter to refill her mug. "I'll be out of your hair in a minute and then you can go back to talking about whatever guy stuff you all fill your time with."

"You don't have to rush off," Jeff told her. "Stay awhile, talk to us."

"About what?"

"How was your date?" Jim asked.

Phil shook his head at him as Jeff elbowed him in the ribs. He was still rubbing the spot as Johanna turned to face him. "I've had better," she said honestly.

"I'm sorry," he replied, although he wasn't really sorry at all.

"It's alright," she said with a shrug. "It just goes to prove my theory."

"What theory's that?" Phil asked.

Johanna shook her head. "Nothing you guys would be interested in hearing."

"Is it one of those girl theories about how all men are jerks?" Jeff inquired.

"Something like that," she answered.

"I'm the exception to that, right, Sassy?"

"Oh of course," she teased.

"What about me?" Phil asked.

"You have your moments, Phil."

"I'm not even going to ask," Jim stated.

Johanna gave him a hint of a smile. "You're getting smarter."

He grinned. "I've been practicing."

"You have a funny way of showing it," she said before she could stop herself.

Jeff clapped him on the shoulder. "He just started over the weekend; he hasn't had time to wow you yet."

"Uh huh," she replied as she brought her mug to her lips.

"Did he do something to you?" Jim asked.

"Who?"

"Your date," he answered; not wanting to say Daniel's name.

"No; nothing worth mentioning."

"What did he do, Jo?" he demanded to know, protective instinct flooding his blood.

"It was nothing, Jim; he just stung my feelings a little but like I told him, I'm used to it, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"It's not fine," he muttered.

Jeff decided it was time to change the subject. "I guess since you ladies were tipsy when I picked Maggie up at your place on Saturday evening, that you had a good time."

"Yeah, we did. The shopping was good, lunch was great and the wine was excellent."

"I guess you girls are all ready for the gala now," Phil remarked.

"They are; I'm not quite ready yet."

"Sharon said you all got dresses."

"We did; but there are other things to consider."

"Like what?" Jeff asked.

"Stuff," she replied.

"What kind of stuff."

"Stuff she isn't sharing with us," Jim replied. "Can't you read between a line?"

"Yes; but I thought maybe I could annoy her into sharing."

"I don't think so," Johanna said. "I think we better change the subject…you all suck at girl talk. It's incredibly awkward."

"I thought we were doing pretty well," Jeff told her. "I was even going to ask if you found a matching handbag and the right color pantyhose."

She smirked at him. "I'm not sure I'm wearing pantyhose; I might just skip it, it just makes me itch."

"Definitely skip it," Jim stated. "We wouldn't want you to be itchy."

"No, we wouldn't want that at all," Jeff agreed. "You just leave them at home."

"Anything else I should leave at home?" she asked.

Phil gave a short laugh. "You should probably pose that question to Jim."

Johanna's features lost their amusement and her gaze dropped to her feet as Jim shifted awkwardly.

"Are you stupid?" Jeff whispered to Phil.

"I forgot," Phil replied.

"How can you forget? Do you not feel the ocean of awkwardness and tension in this room?"

"I was trying to ignore it and be normal like you were."

"You failed," Jeff replied. "It's a good thing you never wanted a career on the stage."

"You know that we can hear you, right?" Jim asked.

"Sorry," they both muttered.

The room became shrouded in silence as no one knew what to say. Daniel came in just as Johanna was about to bid her colleagues goodbye. "Jo," he said with a smile.

"Daniel," she replied; sensing Jim's posture as he stiffened across the room.

"How about we have lunch together today?" the man asked.

"No, thank you," she replied. "I think I want to have lunch by myself today."

Daniel eyed her. "Come on, Jo; don't be like that."

She looked at him in puzzlement. "Be like what? I don't want to go to lunch today; I want to have my break alone."

He smiled in amusement. "It's because of what I said the other night; but I told you it didn't matter. I'm sure lunch will be fine."

"No."

"Why?"

"She said no," Jim said firmly as he moved across the room to be closer to the situation. "Let her be."

"It's none of your business," Daniel remarked.

"I'm making it my business," he replied. "She said she doesn't want to have lunch with you, now leave her alone."

Daniel's gaze darted back to Johanna. "Is he back to doing your talking for you?"

"He has the right to free speech," she stated. "I told you no and I mean no."

"Fine," he said as he took a step back. "I won't ask you again."

"That's fine," Johanna told him.

"Yeah, I guess it is…you're too hung up on someone else."

Johanna looked away as Daniel left the room. It was true after all, she was hung up on Jim and she was sure she always would be. Her heart ached and she moved toward the door. "See you all later," she said quietly as she exited the room.

Once she was out of ear shot, Jeff turned to his best friend. "This is a golden opportunity," he declared. "Jo's free for lunch; you should ask her to go with you."

"I agree," Phil stated. "Clearly she's dropping the see other men tactic; you can get back in there."

"I've got a better idea," Jim replied as a plan formulated in his mind.

Jeff eyed him skeptically. "Do you really? Because to tell you the truth, most of your ideas have been bad ones lately."

"I've got it right this time," he said confidently.

His friend shook his head. "Whatever it is, don't do it. Just go call her office and ask her to go to lunch with you. Tell her you just want to have a relaxing break with her."

"I like my idea better," he answered. "Less chance of being turned down if I do it my way."

"Your way hasn't been getting you anywhere," Phil commented. "In fact, it seems to make things worse."

"Yeah; I kind of feel like we need to have a prayer chain going on for you or something," Jeff added.

"I've got this," Jim stated. "I know just what to do; Phil you need to take Sharon out for lunch; I need her out of the way."

"Okay," his friend said as he headed for the door.

"What are the chances that his plan goes right?" Phil asked once he was gone.

"I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm going to say slim to none," Jeff replied.

Jim was glad to see that the door of Johanna's office was open as he crossed the threshold into Sharon's space. He knew her well enough to know that if she wasn't having lunch with someone that it usually meant she was staying in her office for her break. He was also glad to see that Sharon was gone as Phil promised. He carried the bags of food and the drink carrier into Johanna's office, moving toward her desk as she glanced up at him from the newspaper crossword she was working on.

"What's this?" she asked.

"Lunch," he replied as he sat the items on an unoccupied corner or her desk. He opened a straw and punched it through the lid of the cup before he took it from the holder. "Here's your Coke," he told her, moving her notepad out of the way so he could set it within her reach.

"Thank you," Johanna said; eyeing him suspiciously. "I was skipping lunch today, you know."

"You shouldn't skip meals; you probably ate a light breakfast and if you skip lunch you'll probably get a headache."

"How nice of you to think of my head," she responded; thinking about the dull ache in her head that had began an hour before.

He smiled slightly as he opened a bag and extracted napkins to spread across her desk as she moved the newspaper and her files out of the way. "I got your usual; chicken sandwich, lettuce, mayo, no tomato," he told her as he pulled the wrapped sandwich from the bag and laid it in front of her. "And your order of fries."

"Thank you," she replied once again as she tried to figure out what he was up to.

Jim laid out his burgers and fries and then pulled a chair closer to her desk and sat down.

"What are you doing, Jim?" she asked softly as she unwrapped her sandwich.

"I'm eating lunch. You should eat yours while it's warm."

"Why are you eating here?"

"Because I wanted to have something pretty to look at across the table and you're the prettiest woman I know."

She took a moment to swallow. "It's not that easy, Jim."

"It could be if you weren't so stubborn…but that's a part of your charm."

Johanna smirked at him. "If you hope that sounded convincing, it didn't."

Jim smiled. "Well you have to admit that you're a bit bullheaded, sweetheart."

"You're one to talk."

"I'm trying to make things better; you're not cooperating."

"Neither are you."

He sighed as he chewed his burger. "I miss our lunches," he told her after he swallowed.

"Me too," she murmured as she picked up her drink to take a sip.

"I thought you liked what we had," he remarked.

"I do…that's why I want more. I want us to have something better. Is it really fair to expect me to never want more from you when you tease me with shades of a real relationship?"

Jim sighed deeply. "Is it fair to ask for more when what we had was fine?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah, it is fair…am I supposed to ask when things are bad? Don't you see that this is why we've been having all of those fights? It wasn't working anymore. We were being restricted by the status we were holding on to. We're ready to go forward."

"I don't know what the big hurry is, Jo. So we squabble once in awhile; we were fine and then you had to blow it up."

Tears pricked her eyes. "It wouldn't have blown up if you hadn't hurt me by acting like I was good enough to be your whore and nothing else."

"I didn't act that way!"

"Yes you did. I brought up the topic and right off the bat you were on the defense. You didn't want to listen; you just wanted to wound me so I'd stop asking for something that I have a right to bring up. And you know what; you still don't want to listen. You want to demand and you want to try to force things back into that same box…but it doesn't work that way."

"Things could be fine if you'd let them," he argued. "How would you have liked it if I had brought up that topic on a whim?"

"I would've been thrilled," she replied. "I've been waiting on that day to come for a good while now. That night in North Carolina, you said some day…and I figured if some day wouldn't come to me, then I'd go to it."

"And now we're this," Jim remarked.

"Do you think it's what I wanted?"

"I don't see you doing anything to change it."

"I don't see you doing anything to change it either," she retorted. "Don't lay all of this on my doorstep, Jim. You were ready to fight as soon as I said I wanted more. You acted like I was sentencing you to a stint in prison."

"Hey; you're the one who started it; you did your share of yelling."

"Because you hurt me," she said; her tone low and even. "That's why you went out of your way to do it, you knew I'd react that way and that it would be an out for you…well, you wanted out and now you're out."

Silence lingered for a few minutes as they ate until Jim spoke once more. "You're not sorry for starting this?"

Johanna met his eye. "I'm sorry that it's turned out like this…but I'm not sorry for being honest with you about how I feel and what I want for us. I didn't realize that being with me in an official way was so distasteful to you. What is it about me that isn't good enough, Jim?"

"I never said you weren't good enough."

"It felt implied."

"You think everything is implied."

"What about you?" she asked. "Aren't you sorry for anything? I don't see you showing any remorse."

"Remorse for what?"

She scoffed softly. "Do you really need to ask? You weren't innocent that night, Jim; and you haven't been innocent since then either. I'm not the only one at fault…why don't you take some blame?"

"I'm not the one that started this."

A tense silence fell over the office as they ceased conversation and finished their lunch. "Here's some more fries for you," he said quietly; pushing his leftover fries toward her.

"No, thank you."

Jim looked at her; "What?"

"I don't want them," Johanna replied.

"Why not?"

"Because you've made one too many cracks about me eating your French fries. I will apologize for getting into that habit but it won't happen anymore. Your food is safe. Take your leftover fries with you or throw them out."

"Johanna," he said in aggravation.

"What?"

"Don't be like that."

"It's a habit I need to break; I shouldn't be eating off anyone's plate but my own…I don't need the extra calories."

"Like you need to worry about calories," he retorted. "You're just being this way because you want to be stubborn and mad; well if that's what you want, fine, be that way."

"How much do I owe you for lunch?" she asked.

"I don't want your damn money. All I wanted was to have a nice lunch with you like we used to."

"I would've liked that too…I guess we should've stayed away from the stressful topics."

Jim scoffed. "Seems like everything is a stressful topic with you lately."

Johanna took her purse from the bottom drawer of her desk and pulled out a few dollars. "Here; take it for lunch; I don't want you to feel like I was using you for a free meal or that I expect anything in return for it…you can also consider it compensation for the bad company I've been…and I surely don't want you to feel like this was some sort of date since I know how you feel about that."

He jerked the money from her hand and shoved it into his pocket. "You just have to ruin everything, don't you?"

Her chin quivered as she swallowed back her emotions. "I never wanted it to be like this," she whispered.

"I find that hard to believe at the moment," Jim replied as he picked up his drink. Her money was burning a hole in his pocket, making him feel like a heel for taking it. He didn't want it, and he wasn't going to take it to appease her. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out and tossed it at her. "I don't want your money; I'll write this off as a business expense."

She nodded as she picked up the money from her lap. "Can you go now?" she asked; wanting him out of sight before she broke down completely.

"I'm going," he replied. "Have a nice day."

Johanna closed her eyes; there was no such thing as a nice day the way things were now.

Toward the end of the day; Jim was contemplative as he leaned back in his chair. His lunch with Johanna was weighing heavily on his mind. His father had suggested apologizing…and he hadn't done it. Johanna had also asked him if he felt remorse for anything. He did; he was sorry for what went down in the break room the week before; the way he had run off her date and flaunted Melanie in her face…and those comments he had made. He hadn't made anything better and that satisfied feeling of getting even hadn't lasted long either. He'd been cruel; he needed to apologize. Maybe that would go a ways at earning him some points to get back on her good side. He didn't lie when he said he missed their lunch dates; he did miss them…and even though the one they had shared earlier that day had crashed and burned, it had been nice just to be with her again. He missed her…things needed to get back to normal.

Jim closed his eyes for a moment as he thought about how to go about his apology. He'd overheard her telling Maggie that she was working late that evening; he could go talk to her once the building cleared out. Maybe he should take her a rose…she liked when he gave her roses. At this point any little bit would help. With his mind made up, he started thinking about his apology and how best to go about it.

The building was quiet as Jim approached Johanna's office. He'd spent the last hour trying to rehearse what he wanted to say…and yet he still didn't have a clue. He walked through Sharon's darkened space; the soft glow of light from Johanna's office urging him forward. He stepped to the threshold of her door and saw her as she stood behind her desk, packing up her briefcase to go home. He knocked lightly on the open door, drawing her gaze to him.

"What?" Johanna asked quietly; the ache in her head making her long for home. She really wasn't up to the battle that seeing Jim would bring.

Jim moved toward her and held out a rose. Her heat skipped; dare she hope that this was a sign that he was coming around? "What's this for?" she asked as her fingertips grasped the stem of the rose without her permission.

"I'm sorry," he told her.

Hope flickered inside of her; maybe he was finally coming around; maybe he had listened at lunch. "For what?"

"For the other day," he answered. "For the things I said in the break room…and for running off Adam…and for Melanie."

"It's none of my business who you go out with; I don't have a claim on you," she answered; her tone quiet and neutral.

In his mind she did have a claim but he figured saying so would only dig his hole deeper. "I was trying to hurt your feelings," Jim admitted.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; I got the message…but you didn't have to go through such trouble; you hurt my feelings long before that morning."

"I know…but I made it worse. I was mad about you saying you had a dinner date when you didn't."

"I didn't say it; you assumed," she replied.

"You allowed me to assume."

"Because you were irritating me."

"How is talking about work irritating?" he asked.

"It wasn't the work aspect; although that case is a good while off and it could've waited until maybe things were…more settled between us. It was how you were determined to see me outside of work despite my feelings."

"Alright, we'll say that one is on both of us. I was mad about that and mad that you keep going to lunch with other men."

"If I had the man in my life that I want, I wouldn't have to see other men," she replied.

Jim's jaw tightened. "I'm trying to be in your life; you keep pushing me out."

Johanna's gaze locked upon his. "You don't want to be in my life in the way I want. I want you to be there in more ways than you have been…I want you there in every way…but you shut the door on me."

He breathed deeply. "I didn't shut the door; I just opted not to open it any further at the moment because we're fine the way we are."

Her head throbbed as tears sprung to her eyes. "Clearly one of us isn't fine anymore and you know it. What are you here for, Jim? What's the point of this?" she asked; waving the rose at him.

"I told you; it's because I'm sorry about the other day…I want us to be friends again."

'Friends,' her mind echoed. She was destined always to be a friend. "What kind of friends?" she asked; willing her eyes to remain clear.

"The kind we've always been," Jim replied.

Johanna bit into her lip and gave a shake of her head as she handed the rose back to him. "Why don't you give that to someone you'd rather spend your time with?"

"I like spending my time with you; and I bought this for you. I don't want to give it to anyone else."

"I think you should."

"Jo, please. I just want things to be better between us. I want to see you smile again. I said I was sorry about the other day."

She scoffed. "I'm not in a smiling mood and as for being friends; I'm not feeling very friendly."

"What's so wrong with what we have, Johanna?" he asked as he laid the rose on her desk.

"I think I've already explained that, Jim. Now if you don't mind; I'd like to go home."

"I'll drive you," he offered.

She turned away from him so he wouldn't see her lip tremble as she fought back tears. "No; I'll be fine."

"Jo, it's getting dark. I don't like you to be out by yourself when it's getting late."

"I'm a big girl; I don't need anyone holding my hand."

Jim exhaled a frustrated sigh. "You make things difficult, Johanna."

"So do you," she replied; meeting his eye as she said the words.

"I'm trying to make things better but you won't let me."

"You're not trying to make things better; you're trying to make them the way they were."

"Which is better than how it is now," he retorted.

"Things are the way they are now; because the way things were before, wasn't enough anymore," she reminded him.

He shifted on his feet; feeling agitated. "I didn't come here to argue with you."

"I'm not asking you to, nor did I ask you to come here."

"You know what, Johanna; if you want to go home by yourself, then go. I'm sure that if anyone bothered you, you could easily argue them to death," he said tartly as he turned and left her office.

The remark stung and the tears she had been holding back pushed to the surface and spilled down her cheeks. Maybe she'd been a fool to start this, but it was too late to back down now. She snatched up the rose and tossed it into the trash can and then hurriedly grabbed her briefcase and purse and shut off the lights while trying to get a grip on herself. A few stray tears slipped free as she hurried down the hallway; but as Jim lingered in the shadows of his own office, he saw her wipe them away and he felt the niggling of self loathing; but instead of running after her, he let her go. She had her pride and so did he.

Johanna had only been home long enough to change into her nightgown and swallow a pain reliever when the phone rang. The noise aggravated her headache and she stifled a groan as she crossed the living room to grab the offending advice. "Hello," she said tiredly.

"I just wanted to make sure you got home all right," Jim answered.

She closed her eyes at the sound of his voice, wishing more than anything that he could be there with her; that she could curl up in the circle of his arms and be taken care of for a little while. But that couldn't happen; not now, not with the way things were. "I'm fine," she murmured.

"Are you sure? You don't really sound fine."

"I'm okay; I didn't have any problems getting home."

"What's wrong, Johanna?" he asked; knowing there was something bothering her from the tone of her voice. "Besides the obvious."

"I have a migraine," she answered.

Jim was quiet for a moment. "Do you want me to come over?"

"Yes," Johanna whispered; her throat tight with emotion. "But you can't."

"Yes I can," he replied. "I can be there in a few minutes."

"You can't."

"Why not, sweetheart?"

"Because I don't want to give in on this," she told him; a tear rolling down her cheek.

"Jo…"

She took a shuddering breath. "I can't let you come here, Jim. If I do, things will go back to the way they were…and I need more…and you won't tell me why we can't have it."

"We don't need to go into that tonight when you're not feeling well," Jim replied. "Just let me come over…it doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to. I know you're still upset with me…but just let me come over and take care of you. I know you don't like to be alone when you don't feel well. I'll rub your forehead like the last time…remember, you said it helped. I'll leave when you go to sleep."

She wanted to let him come over so badly. She ached for his comfort and yet she couldn't give in. "I can't," she whispered.

"Johanna," he began to say.

"I have to go," she replied, not waiting for a response as she hung up the phone.

Johanna squeezed her eyes shut, telling herself that giving in hadn't been an option. He'd think things were fine if she did…but that didn't comfort her, nor did it quell the ache in her heart and the longing to have him there.

Jim hung the phone and blew out a breath. How could he convince her that he really cared if she wouldn't let him come and take care of when she obviously needed it? He drummed his fingers against his desk…maybe this was one of those times when a person should just do instead of asking for permission. He could just go to her door anyway; maybe he could convince her to let him in; if not he'd respect her stubborn wishes. He was resolved to do that and he picked up his keys and briefcase and left the office.

Once he was in the car, hesitation set it. If he went, he might upset her further and he didn't want to do that when she wasn't feeling well. He knew how she suffered when she had one of those bad headaches. He shouldn't add to it…even if she did let him in, it would only be because she was vulnerable and hurting. It wouldn't change anything. With that thought in mind he headed for his apartment. He felt like maybe he'd made a small amount of progress with the fact that she didn't slam the phone down as soon as she heard his voice…maybe he was starting to get through to her.

The next morning, Johanna sat at her desk and listened as Sharon read over the schedule with her. Her headache was down to a dull nagging ache that she could manage…and she was determined to strengthen her resolve. She almost gave in the night before and she couldn't afford to do that.

"Jo?" Sharon said when no response came after she finished reading the schedule.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. I guess I just drifted for a minute."

Sharon eyed her knowingly but decided not to push for the moment. "Is there anything else you want me to do?"

Johanna shook her head. "Not work wise, but could you get me a cup of coffee please?"

"Avoiding the break room again?" her secretary asked as she picked up the clean mug from the desk.

"I'm going to avoid as much of this building as possible," she admitted.

"What happened?"

She sighed. "I almost gave in last night."

"What do you mean?" Sharon asked.

Johanna explained her latest encounter with Jim and then the phone call he'd made and how she almost let him come over. "He knows I wanted him there," she said quietly. "He might think I'll be easy to wear down now."

Her friend nodded. "If you're having a weak moment then it's probably best that you stay put. I'll get us some coffee and be right back."

"Thank you," Johanna replied as her secretary headed for the door. She just had to focus on work and let everything else take a backseat for the day. She had to stick to her guns…she couldn't let Jim think she was a pushover.

The need for a cold drink drove Johanna out of hiding mid-day as Sharon was in the mailroom. She hurried into the break room and grabbed a cold soda from the refrigerator and then began the trek back to her office. She heard footsteps hurrying behind her and she quickened her pace; every nerve in her body on alert. She knew who it was…she could sense him whenever he was near even if she hadn't seen him.

"Jo," Jim said as he caught up to her.

"What?" she asked as she continued walking.

"I've been trying to catch you all day but Sharon keeps telling me you're in with clients…"

"I have been," she interrupted.

"You weren't in the break room this morning either."

"I had things to prepare; I didn't have time to loiter much today."

"How's your headache?" he asked.

Warmth filled her heart. "It's fine," she replied; her tone softening without her notice. "It's almost gone now."

"Did you have lunch yet?" Jim inquired; thinking that maybe he'd try it again.

She stiffened slightly and quickened her pace again. "Jim, I don't have time to talk right now, I have another client coming," she said as she hurried into her office.

Jim frowned as he stood in the hallway; last night had felt like a small step forward…today felt like two steps back.

For the next two days, Jim tried and failed at cornering Johanna for more than a few seconds at a time. She was avoiding him; it was plain and simple. Even when he'd run into her at the courthouse that morning she had dashed off after barely saying hello. He was now pacing a hole in the floor in Jeff's office as his friend tried to watch a game show on the small tv sitting on top of a small file cabinet.

"Sit down, Jim," Jeff demanded. "You keep blocking the screen."

"She's avoiding me," he said for the third time since he entered Jeff's office.

"You say that like it's news."

"I had her worked up to speaking to me! I even called her Monday night and she didn't slam the phone down on me."

Jeff nodded. "That's why she started avoiding you on Tuesday; she doesn't want to show any cracks in the armor. She misses you."

"I miss her too," he muttered.

"Then you need to talk to her," Jeff replied.

Jim looked at him in disbelief. "Really, Sherlock? I had no idea. What the hell do you think I've been trying to do? I just told you she's avoiding me, how am I supposed to talk to her when she keeps walking away after five seconds?"

"Get her somewhere where she can't walk away…like an elevator. She can't get out of there until the doors open; you just have to talk fast."

"Or stop the elevator," Jim remarked.

Jeff grinned. "Now there's a plan; and keep the button blocked so she can't hit it until you're finished."

Jim paced a few more steps. "It's a good plan, but how am I going to make it happen?"

"I heard her and Sharon talking about staying awhile longer after the office closes; you know Johanna always goes downstairs to check the mail one last time for the day…I'll keep an eye on her office; when I see her heading down, I'll alert you and you race downstairs and get on the elevator with her for the return trip."

"That could work," he replied.

"Of course it will work…if you'd listen to me more often; you wouldn't have these problems."

Jim scoffed. "Somehow I doubt that."

"Yeah, me too; even if you did listen, you'd probably still blow it somehow…you know how you are."

"I wouldn't blow it so much if she'd be a little more cooperative."

"Says the man who's been equally uncooperative from her point of view," Jeff quipped.

Jim shot him a look. "Are you going to help me or not?"

"You know I am; when the office starts clearing out, I'll go on high alert. Don't blow it this time."

"I'll do my best," he muttered; hoping that maybe she'd be in the mood to listen a little.

After the majority of the building had cleared out, Jeff made it a point to stand in an area of his office where he'd have a good vantage point of the hallway. He had Jim on the phone, waiting to give him the word the Johanna was on her way downstairs. Privately, he wished he could just lock them both in a room somewhere and not let them out until they settled things, but he knew how the law frowned on holding people hostage…even if it was for their own good.

He finally caught site of Johanna making her way down the hallway and he ducked back, staying out of her line of sight as he whispered into the phone. "I see her, she's got mail in her hand; she's going to the elevator. She's probably heading to the mailroom before they close…just like I told you."

"Should I give her time to get down there or should I go ahead and take the stairs?" Jim asked.

"Hold on, I'll look and see if she's on the elevator yet."

Jeff put the phone he'd been carrying around back on the desk and moved through the office to peek out the door. He was just in time to see Johanna step on the elevator. He hurried back to his desk and grabbed the phone. "She just got on the elevator; you need to get down there before she finishes what she has to do."

"Alright, I'm leaving now; I just hope this works."

"It will if you do it right," Jeff told him. "Now remember, be calm, be patient, don't be an ass and most of all don't blow it! Now go get your girl."

Jim hung up the phone and hurried out of his office and to the elevator. He paced in agitation as he waited for the doors to open, praying that Johanna would be her normally chatty self and had found a friend in the mailroom to talk to for a few minutes until he could get into place. As he stepped out on the main floor of the law firm, he could hear the soft tone of her laughter coming from the mailroom. He smiled; he'd made it, now all he had to do was wait. He drifted back into a shadowy corner where the plants sitting around gave him some cover and he waited for her to appear. After a few minutes, she left the mail room and headed back for the elevator. Jim cautiously slipped from his hiding place as she pressed the button and when she stepped inside the elevator, he hurried to jump on with her.

Johanna cursed under her breath as Jim stepped onto the elevator with her. She refused to meet his gaze as the doors slid shut, sealing them off from the rest of the world. A heavy silence lingered between them as the elevator began to rise.

"How long is it going to be like this between us, Jo?" Jim asked quietly as he glanced at her.

Her gaze flicked towards him. "I guess that depends...at the moment it seems like it's going to be long term."

He blew out a breath and reached forward; pressing the red button to stop the elevator.

"What are you doing?" she demanded to know as she moved to reach the panel of buttons.

He blocked her; keeping her from re-starting the elevator. "I want to talk to you; and this seems to be the only way to keep you from walking away from me."

Her brow rose. "You think holding me against my will is going to help matters?"

Jim scoffed. "Really? You're going to accuse me of holding you hostage?"

"Well aren't you?"

"If I am; shouldn't you be screaming for help?"

"Don't tempt me."

"Johanna," he said; his tone carrying a note of exasperation. "I don't like this."

"I don't exactly like it myself," she replied. "But I guess this is what happens when you play games too long."

"It wasn't like that," Jim said.

"It felt like it to me."

He shoved an agitated hand through his hair as he paced the small space of the elevator. "If that's how you've felt, then why wait until now to bring it up? Because you never have before."

Johanna gave a short soft laugh as she paced a few steps and then turned to face him. "Oh I have; you just weren't listening."

"When?" he demanded to know; "And if it was so important, why didn't you make me listen?"

"What about that time you were so up in arms over the fact that I had a few business lunches with Antonio; when you came to apologize, I asked you to tell me why it bothered you so much…I tried to get you to tell me how you feel about me."

He'd be lying if he said he didn't know that; and at the time he'd given her the best answer he could because he couldn't find the right words despite knowing them. "Is that the only time?"

"What do you think that fight at New Year's was about, Jim?"

"It was because I paid too much attention to Melanie when I was supposed to be there with you."

She caught his eye. "Is that all you think it was about?"

"It was also about you being jealous."

"Shouldn't that have told you something?" Johanna asked. "Shouldn't the fact that I was so angry and upset have meant something?"

"I know what it meant; you wanted my attention."

"No; it meant that I wanted you...that I didn't want to share you. What about in March when you got that job offer? Did you listen to anything I said when we talked about it that night? Did you read anything into it at all?"

"Of course I listened to what you said; why do you think I'm still here, Johanna?"

She gave a slight shake of her head. "Don't act like I'm the reason you stayed."

He moved towards her but she stepped back, putting her back against the wall. "You were a part of my reason, Jo; a big part of it…you know that. I told you that day I turned down the job."

"You'll have to forgive me if I find that hard to believe right now."

He moved towards her again; this time putting a hand against the wall, keeping her bracketed between it and his body. "You know it's true," he said quietly; his free hand finding hers.

She pulled her hand away. "Don't touch me."

"You know I care about you, sweetheart."

"Don't call me that," she said firmly; her gaze focused on some invisible point instead of him.

"I always call you that."

"Not anymore."

"Johanna."

Her eyes stung and she blinked rapidly as she struggled to remain composed.

"I miss you," he whispered.

"I miss you too," she replied before she could stop herself.

"Then let's stop this."

She shook her head. "I don't want to play games anymore."

"What games?" Jim asked in exasperation. "You act like I've forced you to do something and I haven't. You could've pushed me away anytime you didn't want to kiss me and I would've accepted that. That night in Atlantic City when you took my hand and went up to my room; you knew what we were going up there for, did I make you feel like you had to?"

"No."

"And once we were in the room; didn't I ask you if you were sure?"

Johanna nodded; her eyes closing at the memory.

"And what did you say, Johanna?"

"You know what I said," she retorted.

"Well maybe I want to make sure of it; since I seem to be being accused of something. What did you say to me that night?"

"I said I wanted it," she replied. "I said I wanted you; but it didn't happen and that's probably for the best."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because...I would've expected it to change things and clearly you wouldn't have and it would've just made things worse and we'd still be like this...because this was bound to happen one way or another."

He released a weighted breath. "You act like I've been the one making all the moves, Jo; but I haven't. I can think of plenty of times when you've kissed me; times when you've flirted or came on to me..."

"I know!"

"So why can't we work this out?"

"Because I can't be just your friend anymore," she whispered as a tear broke free.

"Sweetheart; you haven't been just my friend for a long time," he replied as his hand cupped her face; his thumb brushing away her tears.

"But I haven't been anything else either," she remarked; a small sob breaking loose despite her efforts to hold it in.

"You know that's not true," Jim stated.

"How can I know when we never talk about anything?" she asked. "How do I know exactly what I am to you?"

"We talk all the time," he insisted.

"Not about us; we never talk about what 'I care about you' means or what we want from each other," she cried. "It's always a damn guessing game and wondering if one day you're going to wake up and realize that you want more and worrying about if that's the day I get pushed to the side because you think you need to find it with someone else."

"There's no one else. You're the only woman in my life."

"For how long, Jim? Until you get what you want and I sleep with you and this little friends with benefits arrangement blows up in our faces? Hell it's already done that without bringing sex into it."

"Do you really think that's all I want from you, Johanna?" he questioned; a touch of anger in his voice. "Do you really think I keep coming back just because I want to get you into bed?"

She shrugged; her gaze holding his. "How do I know what you want?"

He gave a short laugh. "I can't deny wanting you, Jo; but not to make you some notch on my bedpost as you seem to think. You know you're more than that to me. You know. All of a sudden you need a name for it and I don't understand why."

"That much is obvious," she stated as she swiped at her cheeks.

"Then tell me."

"Why should I give you all the answers when you won't give me any?"

Jim fell silent; this didn't seem to be working out too well and the sight of her tears was slicing through him like a knife. "Don't cry," he whispered as he brushed away more of her tears.

"Why not?" she asked. "It's all I feel like doing lately when I think of us...because I never wanted it to come to this."

"I don't want you to cry," he stated. "I can't stand it when you cry, Jo."

She laughed softly. "I've been crying since you walked out my door, Jim."

"You told me to go," he reminded her.

"I know," Johanna replied; "And I meant it...but did it ever occur to you to stay and fight for me?"

"It didn't seem to be getting me anywhere."

"You weren't fighting for me; you were fighting against me...and you're still doing it. You want me to see everything your way."

"Aren't you doing that same?" he asked. "Don't you want me to see things your way?"

"I suppose I do; but maybe I'm fighting a losing battle."

He didn't want her to feel like that. He didn't want her to classify them as being over and done with...because he didn't feel like it was anywhere near over as his gaze dropped to her lips; his fingers moving from her face to tangle in her hair.

"Don't," she whispered as he dipped his head but he silenced her protest as his lips captured hers. She hesitated at first but he persisted and within seconds she had given in; savoring and returning his kiss until finally her brain caught up with her and reminded her of what she was doing. "No!" she exclaimed as she pushed him away. "We're not doing this anymore."

"Johanna..."

"No, Jim. I told you where I stand and I meant it. We can't go back to the way things were a few weeks ago; and we can't go back to the way things were three years ago because too much has happened between us. There's too much to just ignore and too much to just settle for what I can get from you. You know what I want out of life, and if you can't or won't give that to me; then it's time for me to move on," she stated as she hit the button to restart the elevator.

"I'm not the only one to blame here, Johanna."

"I never said you were," she retorted. "I'm just the only one willing to do anything about it."

"And what if having more ruins what we already have?"

"I'd rather know we tried...because like I said; if we kept going the way we were; this was bound to happen anyway."

He nodded; feeling like his hopes had just been dashed as the elevator doors slid open. "Maybe it's already ruined," he murmured as he stepped into the hallway.

Her heart sank as she stepped out as well; why did it always seem like she was screwing up? She hadn't meant to make it seem like their relationship had no hope; she had just wanted him to realize that she thought they were worth the risk if only he was willing to take it.

They stood together in the hallway; a weight pressing down on each of them as they wondered where to go from there. "Goodnight, Johanna," he said quietly as he walked away; his head bowed slightly as he headed towards his office.

She watched him go...for the second time in as many weeks and emotion rippled through her; spawning another round of tears as she walked towards her own office. Her life had gone to hell...and it looked like it was going to have an extended vacation there if something didn't change soon.

"What took you so long?" Sharon asked; her gaze focused on her work. "I was starting to think you left and forgot to tell me."

"You shouldn't let me go anywhere in this building alone," Johanna replied; her voice cracking; causing Sharon's head to snap up.

"What happened?" she asked.

"With the exception of about the first five minutes I was gone; I've spent the rest of the time standing in an elevator with Jim."

"Was it stuck?" Sharon questioned.

"No; he stopped it."

"And then what happened?"

Johanna explained the conversation that followed and then hesitated before saying; "And then he kissed me..."

"You let him kiss you!" her friend exclaimed.

She lowered her head in shame. "Only for a minute...or two; but then I pushed him away."

"Jo; you can't do that. You can't go around kissing him before he gives you what you want."

"Well that's easier said than done, Sharon!"

Her friend threw up her hands in surrender. "It's okay; you had a little lapse; it's fine. It happens. This little encounter...which I'm sure was anything but coincidence, is actually a good thing."

"I don't know; it didn't feel all that good to me."

"Except for when he was kissing you, right?"

Johanna nodded. "That part felt pretty good."

"That part is how you got into this situation."

"I know I'm partly to blame," she said sharply. "I just got that lecture from Jim, I don't need it from you."

Sharon's brow rose. "He had his nerve to do that?"

"Yes."

"That's why you shouldn't be kissing him."

The lawyer sighed. "I already know that; let's move on. Why do you think this has been a good thing?"

"Because it proves he's still interested. He hasn't given up the chase. He misses you; he wants you back in his life. He's right where we want him; he's going to come around to our way of thinking."

"Don't be too sure of that; I think I blew it."

"Why do you say that?"

Johanna plucked a tissue from the box on Sharon's desk and dabbed at her eyes as she told her about the comments that had been made after they had kissed.

"You haven't blown it," Sharon insisted. "You did just what we talked about. You made him realize that you're serious and now he knows that he has to do something."

"What if he doesn't?" Johanna asked.

"He will," her friend replied. "We just have to give him the right incentive to light a fire under him."

"Which is?"

"I don't know yet but we'll think of something."

"While we're doing that; can you do something else for me?"

"Name it," Sharon stated.

"Remind me to take the stairs for now on."

Her secretary nodded and gave her a sympathetic smile. "You got it."

Johanna sniffed and was quiet for a moment as she allowed her melancholy thoughts to wash over her. "I really think it might be over," she murmured.

"It's not over, Jo."

"It feels like nothing is ever going to be alright again…I think maybe I should start looking for a new job. I know you probably don't want to leave here because Phil's here, so if you don't want to go with me, it's okay."

Sharon got up and rounded the desk; pulling her friend into a hug. "First of all, now's not the time to be making that kind of decision. You don't need to be typing up your resume tomorrow and looking for a new job. It's only been a couple of weeks; things can still work out. Second; if you did choose to leave this firm at some point, of course I'm going with you. I'm your secretary and I'm staying your secretary until you fire me…and being that we know entirely too much about each other, I feel pretty secure in my job."

Johanna gave a soft laugh. "I'd never fire you."

"I know you wouldn't; I also know that things are hard right now but don't throw in the towel just yet, okay? Take tonight and wallow when you get home; and then tomorrow, you get up and get back in the game."

She nodded. "I'll try."

"Don't just try; do it," her best friend encouraged. "There will be no wallowing tomorrow; got it?"

"I've got it," she said as she managed a smile. "I'm going to finish up a few things and then we can go."

"Alright; I'll finish up these things I have and we'll start tomorrow fresh…and we'll start taking the stairs," Sharon remarked.

Jeff was waiting in Jim's office when he returned. "How did it go?" he asked.

Jim glanced at him but said nothing as he dropped into his chair.

"Why do you still have that look on your face?" Jeff asked with dismay as he studied him. "You were gone long enough that I thought maybe you were making progress."

"She talked to me but there was no progress."

"Why not? What happened?"

Jim released a weighted sigh and told what had transpired during their conversation. "And then I kissed her," he stated as he began to wrap up the tale.

"You kissed her!" Jeff exclaimed.

"Yeah."

"What the hell possessed you to do that? You weren't supposed to kiss her unless she made it clear that you were welcome to do so. That wasn't in the plan at all. Didn't your mother ever tell you to keep your lips to yourself?"

"It's not like I'm out kissing every woman who walks past me," Jim replied.

"No; you just can't seem to keep your lips off of Sassy," his friend remarked.

"I can't help it!" Jim proclaimed. "I get too close to her and I just have to kiss her."

"Well you're not supposed to do it when she's mad at you; that just makes her madder."

"You were the one who said I needed to warm her back up," he retorted.

"Not like that! I told you to tell her that you're an idiot..."

"I think she already knows that without being told."

"That's probably true but still; she'd probably like to hear you admit it...among other things. You were also supposed to make a peace offering and ask for forgiveness."

"I'm not the only one at fault for this."

"Maybe not; but she's willing to try and you're not, so you're the bad guy in this. And another thing, when you're trying to get back into a woman's good graces, you probably shouldn't be casting blame upon her while you're trying to patch things up. You should know that by now. What the hell is wrong with you, man?"

"Terminal stupidity," Jim answered.

"I believe that," Jeff remarked.

"Like you don't have your fair share of it."

"I don't know; I seem to be doing better than you."

Jim was quiet for a minute; his features pensive. "Maybe it's just a lost cause."

"Don't say that," his friend said sternly. "We don't just accept defeat and you shouldn't just give up on her because she's being a little stubborn."

"What's the point in continuing to fight it? It's not getting any better; nothing I do changes anything."

"That's not true."

"Yeah it is."

Jeff shook his head. "At least she's talking to you now; she's just waiting for you to make the right move...and I wish you'd hurry up and make it because you're killing me."

Jim gave a short laugh; "Good, then I won't have to die alone because she's killing me."

Jeff scoffed; "Like you're not killing her. If you two don't get this straightened out soon; none of us are going to survive it."

"I'm trying; she's just not cooperating."

"She probably feels the same way about you."

He blew out a breath; frustration thrumming in his body. "I'm tired of the whole damn mess. Maybe I ought to just let it go. Everything has to be her way."

"And you think everything has to be yours," Jeff remarked. "She's not the only one with an agenda."

Jim shoved his hand through his hair. "Well I'm tired of all of it. If this is how she wants it, so be it. I'm not going to beg her."

"She's not going to beg you either."

Jim glared at him. "Whose side are you on?"

"Both," Jeff answered honestly. "I just want you both to be happy."

"We could be if she'd quit being this way."

"I'm not going to say anything," Jeff replied. "I know you're getting discouraged but you knew it wasn't going to be an easy road; even your dad told you that you had to be patient and keep trying."

"I'm tired of being patient tonight and I'm tired of trying," Jim remarked. "I think I'll just go out and get a drink. I'm not going to work late every day just because she is, in hopes I can talk sense into her."

"Okay," his friend replied, figuring it was best to just go along for now. "We'll go out and blow off some steam; let's take Phil with us too."

"Fine; let's just go. I want to get away from here…and from now on, I'm taking the stairs."

"Yeah; you should because apparently you can't be trusted to be alone with Johanna in an elevator."

Jim scoffed. "Trust me, she's safe."

Johanna tried to concentrate on her work but it was a losing battle in the aftermath of her encounter with Jim. She couldn't get it off her mind; couldn't get her heart to stop aching. She had to talk to him again; she had to try to work it out. She pushed away from her desk and grabbed her purse. The work could wait; she was ahead of schedule anyway. She stepped into the outer office and moved to Sharon's desk.

"Are you heading out?" her secretary asked.

"I need to talk to Jim," Johanna replied. "I can't stand this anymore."

"He and the guys went out for drinks," Sharon told her. "Phil called to tell me he was going with them."

"Did he say where they were going?"

"No."

Johanna sighed. "I guess I'll check the usual places first."

"I'll go with you," Sharon said as she grabbed her purse. "We'll find them…hopefully before they drink too much."

"I just hope he'll be willing to talk."

Her friend gave her a small smile. "I'm sure he will…at least if he's smart he will."

They didn't find the guys at the first bar they checked but they spotted them at their second favorite hangout. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Johanna remarked when she spotted Jim; Callie sitting on his knee. He looked to be having a good time…Callie seemed to be keeping him entertained and smiling. Apparently their talk had been easily forgotten by him…maybe it didn't bother him as much as he had claimed.

"Sassy, what are you and Rhoda doing here?" Jeff asked as he appeared next to her and Sharon.

"I wanted to talk to Jim," she replied. "But I see that he's busy."

"It's not what it looks like," Jeff hurried to say. "He's just blowing off steam."

"Does Phil ever blow off steam like that?" Sharon asked. "Because if he does, I need to know."

"Of course not," he declared. "Phil's as innocent as a newborn lamb."

"Uh huh."

"I swear I've only seen him look; he doesn't touch."

"He better not," Sharon remarked; "Or I'll be reaching out and touching him."

"Maybe we should go," Johanna said to her.

"No; don't go," Jeff replied. "I'll get Jim for you."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Sure it is," he replied. "If you want to talk to him, you should. I'll get him, wait here."

"Don't worry," Sharon told her. "I'm sure he'd rather talk to you."

It didn't look that way to her, Johanna thought as she watched Jeff talk to Jim. He didn't seem happy to hear the news. Callie didn't look thrilled to have her evening interrupted either. She should just duck out while she had a chance but then she saw Callie get up from Jim's lap and he rose from the chair and headed her way.

"I'll go surprise my fiancé," Sharon told her as she gave her a supportive pat on the arm.

"Alright."

Jeff headed toward the bar; feigning the need for a fresh drink as Jim approached Johanna. "What are you doing here?" he asked her, his tone gruff.

She bit her lip as she looked at him. He didn't want to see her; this was going to end badly, she could feel it. "I wanted to talk," she told him.

"About what?"

"Us."

"There is no us, remember?" Jim replied.

She swallowed hard. "I know…that's what I want to talk about."

"You said our discord was going to be a long term thing."

"It does feel that way," she admitted; "But I don't want it to be that way, Jim. I never wanted it to be this way. That's why I came…I thought maybe we could go talk…in a better way than we have been. Maybe we can work this out so that we're both happy."

He scoffed. "I think I've had enough of your talk today, Johanna. I've got other things to do."

She nodded; it hurt but it wasn't unexpected. "Okay; how about tomorrow night?"

"No; I might have plans."

"With Callie?" she asked before she could stop herself.

"If the mood strikes," Jim replied. "You're not the only one capable of moving on, you know."

"I know," she murmured, doing her best to conjure up a smile. "Have a nice time."

The statement only seemed to anger him. "You can act like you don't care all you want; but I know you do."

"Of course I do," she told him. "But I can't stop you. I'd still like to talk though…when it's convenient for you."

"Maybe it isn't convenient for me. Maybe I'm done talking; it doesn't get us anywhere so what the hell is the point, Johanna?"

"The point is that we haven't really talked…it's more like we're arguing a case. We're fighting against each other. I feel like you're not listening to me and that you're disregarding my feelings and you feel the same way about me…so I thought if we could just sit down and try to do it a different way…then maybe things wouldn't have to be like this."

He was still too angry from their failed conversation in the elevator to give an inch. "I'm not interested tonight," he retorted as Callie appeared and slipped her arms around him.

"Jim; are you coming back or not?" she asked; disregarding Johanna's presence.

He nodded; his gaze remaining on Johanna. "I'm done here."

She was surprised that her eyes remained dry as he walked away with Callie; but she felt the rejection rippling through her soul. "Don't take it too much to heart, Sassy," Jeff said quietly as he moved to her side. "He's had a few drinks and he's mad at himself and being mad at himself makes him want to be mad at you because that's easier to deal with. He doesn't care anything about her…he'll come around."

She scoffed softly. "I don't really think so…I think it might be hopeless."

Jeff shook his head. "Don't say that; things will work out; I know it will. It's just going to take a little more time…the two of you have to get back to being on the same page, that's all."

Her gaze remained focused on Jim and Callie; she was back to sitting on his lap and they were laughing as he poured them each another drink. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jeff," she replied. "Tell Sharon I went home; I don't want to bother her; it looks like Phil was glad to see her."

"How are you getting home?" Jeff asked.

"I'll try and get a cab; if I can't, I'll walk."

"I'll drive you home," he offered.

She managed a smile for him. "That's okay; you stay and enjoy your evening. I'll be fine. I can take care of myself."

"I'll help you get a cab," he told her as he wrapped an arm around her and moved toward the exit with her.

They stepped outside into the warm early evening air of May and Johanna breathed deeply. "Don't worry, it'll be fine," Jeff assured.

"I'm afraid you're more optimistic than I am."

"Well that's understandable; Jim does keep putting his foot in his mouth. Maybe if I put it in some plaster it'll be too heavy for him to raise that far."

She laughed. "Thanks I needed that."

Jeff pulled her into a hug. "I know…you sure don't smile too much lately; it makes the office a little drab."

"Well maybe I'll do better in time…I guess it's just going to take awhile to get…" she trailed off, not wanting to say the words 'to get over this'.

"Don't go thinking like that," he said; filling in the blanks on his own. "He hasn't given up on you and you shouldn't give up on him, okay?"

She nodded. "I try to stay positive…but it's getting harder."

"I know, honey; hang in there. If it helps, me and Maggie love you."

"I love you both too," Johanna replied as the tears filled her eyes.

He pressed a brotherly kiss to her cheek and hailed her a cab. "Go home and relax, Sassy; things will look better tomorrow."

"I hope so," she responded as she climbed into the back of the cab.

When Jeff went back into the bar, he sought out his best friend. "Jim; can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked as he ignored Callie's glare.

"Tell Johanna to go home," he replied. "She didn't want listen earlier and I don't want to listen now. Tell her we're even."

"Johanna already left; I want to talk to you."

"I probably don't want to hear what you have to say either, Jeff."

"I'm sure you don't; but I think you need to hear it anyway."

Jim sighed and picked up a few dollars from the table and handed them to Callie. "Go buy yourself another drink while I confer with my colleague; it won't take long."

"I should hope not," she sniffed. "I don't appreciate all of these people trying to spoil our fun."

"I know the feeling," he replied as she headed to the bar. "What do you want, Jeff."

Jeff sat down at the table. "I want to know why the hell you're being a fool. You keep saying you want to work things out with Johanna and yet when she comes to you and says she wants to do that, you shun her. You tell her you don't want to and you go back to the bimbo. She just gave you the chance you had been wanting."

"Only to ease her own conscience," he replied.

"No; it's because she misses you and she loves you and she wants this to end as much as you do. She wanted to talk. I heard everything she said, Jim. She even offered to wait until tomorrow; or for another time of your choosing."

"Maybe I don't feel like being accommodating tonight."

"No; you feel like being an ass as usual. You've been an ass through this whole thing. Do you want her or not, Jim? You said you love her…did you mean it or was it just a passing fancy?"

Jim frowned as he picked up his glass of whiskey. "I meant it; but it doesn't seem to matter; she never wants to listen."

"She wanted to listen tonight and you shot her down! She's going to start giving up on you; is that what you want?"

"No."

"Then go after her; go talk to her like she offered."

Jim shook his head. "I don't want to talk anymore today. I tried talking to her in the elevator and it was a disaster. No more today."

"Then when?" Jeff asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know."

Jeff nodded. "It's your life; if you want to blow this even further, go ahead. I'm heading out; I don't feel like sitting here and watching you with Callie. It makes me sick."

"See you tomorrow," he replied.

His friend shook his head at him and then got up and walked away. Jim knew he'd probably made a mistake in turning down Johanna's offer, but he was too aggravated by the whole thing to care too much.

Johanna was curled up on her couch later on when someone knocked on her door. The sound set loose a horde of butterflies in her stomach as she wondered if it might be Jim. She doubted it though as she got up and moved to the door. He said he didn't want to talk anymore…he wouldn't show up…especially not when he could be spending his evening with Callie. Callie would give him everything he wanted without wanting a commitment in return. She frowned at that thought as she released the lock and cracked the door open, finding her mother on the other side.

"Mama, what's wrong?" Johanna asked as she opened the door the rest of the way. Her mother didn't usually visit in the evening.

"Nothing's wrong," Naomi assured as she stepped inside and shrugged off her jacket. "You father had a club meeting and I asked him to drop me off with you."

Johanna smiled and took her jacket and purse and put them away. "It's nice to see you; you haven't been here in awhile."

"I know, dear; I apologize."

"It's alright; do you want a drink?"

Naomi nodded and followed her to the kitchen. "What would you like?" Johanna asked.

"A glass of wine would be wonderful," her mother answered as her gaze swept across the clean orderly kitchen. She spotted a cake holder on the counter and smiled. "You baked a cake."

"Yeah, I did," she replied as she poured two glasses of wine. "I couldn't sleep last night."

Naomi laughed softly. "You're taking after your grandmother with that late night baking."

"I don't mind," she replied as she handed her mother a glass. "Do you want a piece of my cake?"

"Yes I do," Naomi grinned. "The second I spotted it I had an instant craving."

Johanna took two plates from the cabinet and grabbed some silverware from the drawer. She took the lid off the cake holder and sliced two pieces. She carried the plates to the table and took a seat across from her mother. "I hope it's as good as yours always is."

"How could it not be? I'm the one who taught you."

Johanna smiled. "I might not have your touch."

Naomi pierced the cake with her fork. "It has a very nice texture; the color is perfect and the icing is the right consistency."

"But the verdict is in the taste," she replied.

Naomi took a bite and smiled. "It's wonderful, darling. The cake is moist and the icing is perfect."

"I learned from the best," Johanna stated as she picked up her fork.

"Your father says your pancakes are fluffier than mine," Naomi remarked.

"He only says that when he's mad at you," she replied after swallowing a bite of cake.

"It doesn't make the statement any less true…why do you think he always wants you to make pancakes when you stay over?"

"I'm glad I do something that makes him happy."

Naomi didn't want to wade into those waters tonight so she changed the subject. They made small talk and gossiped as they ate their cake and then they took their glasses of wine into the living room and settled down on the sofa. When they were comfortable, Naomi decided to broach more serious topics. "How is your…issue coming along, dear? I know it must still be ongoing."

"Why do you say that?" Johanna asked softly.

"Because you haven't said anything more about it when you've visited…and your eyes always tell me a story…you can't fool your mama, darling."

She smiled sadly. "It's ongoing…and it doesn't seem like that's going to change. We had words today."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

She bared her soul to her mother; telling her about her encounters with Jim that day and about earlier in the week when he had brought her lunch and things had gone wrong. When she finished, Naomi opened her arms to her. "Come here, bambina."

Johanna moved willingly into her mother's arms, allowing a few tears to break free as she inhaled Naomi's Chanel perfume. Her mother held her tightly. "I knew one of my babies needed holding," the older woman murmured. "When I gave it some thought, I knew it was you."

"How did you know which one of us it was?" she asked.

"Mother's intuition," Naomi replied as she released her daughter so that she could wipe away the tears on her cheeks.

"I'm glad you came."

"I'm always here for you; you know that."

"I know," she murmured. "I'm starting to think that there isn't any hope for me and Jim."

Her mother wrapped an arm around her and kept her tucked against her side as Johanna laid her head on her shoulder. "Don't give up so easily, honey. I know it's hard but the most rewarding things always are. He clearly wants you in his life or he wouldn't keep coming around."

"But what about tonight at the bar when he told me he'd had enough of my talking?"

"He's mad because he isn't getting his way; don't view it as a bad thing. Sometimes men admit things when they're angry…they slip up…and he might just get mad enough to slip up and tell you the things he ought to."

"I'm not so sure…I don't think he's willing to bend."

"Some men are more stubborn than others; it takes time. Have you tried going out with other men? That usually gets their attention."

"I tried that," she sniffed. "He didn't like it but it didn't seem to make a difference. He asked me to call off a dinner date and I asked him to give me a good reason to…he wouldn't, so I went."

"It makes him mad, but not mad enough," Naomi commented.

"I guess so."

"Maybe you haven't gone out with the right man."

"What do you mean?"

"I went out with Chuck Jacobs once," her mother stated.

Johanna looked up at her. "Chuck Jacobs? Isn't that the guy Dad hates...the one he'd like to punch in the face and then throw in front of a bus?"

"That's the one," Naomi replied with a smile.

"You went out with him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"To give him a wake up call. I was ready for a ring on my finger and he was dragging his feet. He didn't want to change; he didn't want to get married. I broke up with him and my friend Tammy set me up with Chuck. Your father was furious. It didn't take long to change his mind about marriage."

Johanna gave her a wobbly smile. "And all I want is to move on to the dating phase."

Naomi rubbed her arm. "That's right; Jim should count himself lucky…he should count himself lucky anyway that a warm, loving woman like you wants to share her life with him. I don't doubt that he has affection for you, and I thought that he was a good man on the occasions that I've been in his company; but I don't like how much he's hurting you."

"Well, as he says, I started it by bringing up the issue."

"You had every right to."

"He doesn't seem to think so."

"Of course not; he's a man; men think they're the boss of everything and that they can have their cake and eat it too. They're wrong."

Johanna shifted and settled back against the couch. "There have been moments when I felt like telling him that he won; that we'd just go back to the way things were."

Naomi took her hand. "And if you did that, would you be truly happy?"

"No…I'd be always thinking about how it could be more."

"That's right; and it could never really be the same now that this is between the two of you. He knows how you feel and what you want and that would stay in his mind. It would unravel and fall apart after awhile."

"I know," she whispered. "But I miss him."

"I know you do; just keep trying, darling. These things have a way of working themselves out at the eleventh hour."

"What if it isn't meant to be?" she asked softly as a sob welled up within her.

Naomi squeezed her hand. "It'll hurt for awhile and then one day you'll make your peace with it and move on."

Johanna swiped at the tears that tumbled down her cheeks. "I've been thinking about looking for another job."

Her mother shook her head. "Don't do anything hasty like that. Stick it out for awhile. If you run too far, he might give up too…and besides, what are you going to say when they ask why you left the firm you're at? I don't think you want to tell them you left because of a broken love affair, do you."

"No; of course not. That wouldn't be very professional."

"You just stay put for now, bambina. If things don't change and it's still hard a few months down the road, then you can consider looking for a new job."

She gave a soft laugh. "You're the boss, Mama."

"That's right," Naomi chuckled. "I'm the boss; you know it and your father knows it…he just pretends to still believe that he's the boss."

"Maybe being the boss at work helps him get through," she laughed.

"Maybe so. Now I don't want you giving up so easily; you keep trying to persuade that man, alright?"

She nodded. "I'll keep trying for a little while."

Naomi held her gaze. "Remember what I said about anger."

"I'll remember."

"Good. It's going to be okay. I have faith that this will all work out for you and that you'll have what you want."

"I hope so, Mama…I hate the way things are right now."

"I know you do; but one day, when this has all worked out, you'll both be able to look back on it and laugh."

"I don't know about that."

Naomi cupped her chin and held her gaze. "Trust me."

She nodded and they allowed the conversation to drift into lighter fare until Frank knocked on the door.

"Well, were you right?" Frank asked as his wife pulled on her jacket. "Did you pick the right baby to hold?"

"Of course I was right," Naomi replied. "I always am. She was in desperate need of her mother's love; isn't that right, bambina?"

"Yes," Johanna replied; giving her mother a warm smile.

Frank glanced at his daughter. "What's wrong?"

She shifted on her feet. "It's just girl stuff, Dad."

He eyed her; not quite believing the answer. "You could always just come home," he told her gruffly.

She looked at him in confusion. "Come home?"

"If you're in some kind of trouble."

Johanna shook her head. "I'm not in any kind of trouble."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "Because I'll make him marry you."

Her eyes widened as it dawned on her what he thought. "I'm not pregnant!"

"Frank!" Naomi exclaimed as she whacked him with her purse. "Why the hell would you think she's pregnant?"

"She's been acting weird," he replied. "She's all emotional…more than usual…that's how you were when you were pregnant. I just figured she was afraid to tell me because she knows I'm not going to be happy about having an illegitimate grandchild."

"Oh my God," Johanna said as she scrubbed a hand over her face. "I'm going to have to have another glass of wine."

"She's not pregnant," Naomi remarked. "She'd tell me if she was…wouldn't you?"

"Yes, of course I would, but I'm not and you know I'm not."

Naomi shook her head as she eyed her husband. "Honestly, Frank."

"What? I said she could come home; I think that's pretty damn generous if the situation would've called for it."

"It was very generous, Dad; thank you; and don't worry, I don't take your generosity as a sign that I should go out and produce illegitimate grandchildren for you."

"Good," he said; "Because I don't approve of it at all."

"I know."

Naomi stepped forward and embraced her. "I'll reprogram your father later; dear. I love you."

"I love you too; I'm glad you came over."

"Me too; I'll see you Sunday for dinner?"

"Yes; I'll be there."

"Good; and you can call me in the meantime, or come over of course."

"I will, Mama."

Naomi released her and turned back to her husband. "Frank."

"What?"

"You know what."

Frank moved towards his daughter and pulled her into a hug. "Goodnight, Dad," she told him; cherishing the feel of his embrace even if it wasn't voluntary.

"Goodnight, Johanna."

"Frank," Naomi prodded.

He sighed. "I'm glad you're not pregnant; wait until you're married."

"I intend to," she replied as he released her.

"Frank," his wife said, an exasperated note in his tone.

"Oh all right, Naomi!" he exclaimed before turning back to Johanna. "I'm sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion."

She smiled. "It's okay, Dad; I forgive you."

He stepped forward and pressed a kiss against her forehead. "Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll work it out."

She nodded. "See you Sunday."

"See you Sunday," he repeated.

Johanna locked the door and leaned against it once her parents were gone. A part of her wished she had gone with them; she couldn't help but feel lonely lately. Her mother was right though, she couldn't give up just yet. She had to keep trying.

A few hours later, Jim walked Callie to her car. She gave him a seductive grin as she looped her arms around his neck. "I'm glad we ran into each other," she practically cooed. "I had a good time."

"So did I," he replied; although he'd forced himself to have that good time…and it hadn't entirely worked as Johanna stayed on his mind.

"We should do it again sometime," Callie murmured.

He nodded. "Sure."

Callie smiled and caught him off guard by capturing his lips in a kiss. Alarm bells went off in his head. This was wrong; very, very wrong. This wasn't the kiss he wanted; he only wanted Johanna's kisses. Anyone else's was wrong. He subtly broke Callie's kiss, guilt washing over him as he felt like he had just cheated on Johanna and that wasn't a pleasant feeling.

"Jim, did you hear me?" Callie asked playfully as her fingers toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"What?" he asked.

"I said you could come home with me," she repeated. "We could have a nightcap and…whatever else we desire."

He took a step back, forcing her to drop her arms from around him. "No; not tonight."

Callie eyed him knowingly. "She doesn't have to know; I mean why should she anyway? You're not together; it's none of her business. You can have a little fun; after all she's seeing other people…I'm sure it's not as innocent as it seems."

He was sure it was innocent; he knew without a doubt that Johanna wasn't sleeping with any of her lunch dates; she wasn't the type of woman to do that. He was sure that she probably hadn't kissed them either…which had probably been a part of Daniel's barbed statement about her being hung up on him. "You're wrong about her," he stated. "She doesn't give in that easily."

"Maybe for now," Callie replied; "But they're all betting on who's going to be the first to get Miss Prissy out of her dress now that you're out of the way…they all she's a little uptight and that the right, 'handling' might loosen her up a little."

Anger pulsed in his veins. "Well you can tell whoever's saying that, that I'm not out of the picture and that they don't stand a chance of 'handling' her so they may as well forget it."

She gave a soft laugh. "Now don't go getting huffy; you're the one who blew her off earlier. I thought it meant you were finally done with her. I don't know what you see in her anyway."

"I'm sure you don't," he said tartly; "But I see plenty in her and we're far from done."

Callie shrugged. "Okay; while you're on your 'break' from her, we could still have some fun…maybe it would relax you."

Jim shook his head. "I don't think so."

"You're loss," she smiled. "But if you change your mind, you know where to find me."

He waited until she was in her car and then he walked away; guilt still nagging at him as he moved back to the front of the bar to catch a cab. He needed to talk to Jeff…his best friend would help him get this mess turned around.

...to be continued