Homecoming
Chapter IV: An Oasis within the Desert
Thanksgiving break had started, and while he anticipated the home to be quietly yet festively celebrating the upcoming feast, the scene that Grover Underwood walked into when he entered the house of Sally and Paul Blofis was one he had startled the young Lord of the Wild. When he entered the home, his smile was met by a tentative greetings from Sally who took the time to introduce him to Estelle, the baby gurgling and pleasantly tugging on his curly locks. However, when his two closest friends arrived, he was met only with the distant stares and a half-hearted welcome to their long time friend before they fell into each others arms and held one another as if afraid to let go.
Grover was unsettled by this display to say the least, and turned his attention to Sally, who only responded by tightening her lips, a saddened and pain-filled glimmer shining from her eyes. It had been Percy who had called him up, asking his assistance for an errand he needed to run, thus the scene before him was definitely not what Grover was anticipating as he stood awkwardly at the entryway, overwhelmed by the emotional fragility of the two demigods before him. Being empathic was something that served him well as a creature of the wild, but the emotional turmoil from his two favorite demigods was as though he was hit with a wall of emotional desolation and hopeless dependence.
While Grover fussed over Estelle, promising he would give her the blessings of the wild and naming himself honorary godfather, he could only catch glimpses of the whispered words coming from either Percy or Annabeth, promises that he will return, but that this was something for both of them and Annabeth promising she would be right there waiting for him. The display left Grover more than slightly confused, as if he was coming to lead Percy on a deadly quest instead of simply accompanying him to the city like he'd asked.
After several minutes with the two unwilling to separate, he began wondering if this was a good ideal at all, but as he considered whether he should just leave, Percy untangled himself Annabeth, providing a soft, gentle kiss to her, before he gave a simple look to Grover and stepped out the door, causing the satyr to quickly hand Estelle back to Sally before rushing to follow him.
"Yo Percy, wait up!" Grover called as he caught up to his best friend, yet he couldn't get the image out of his mind of what he had just seen. Chiron had confessed to him that he feared there was perhaps some emotional and psychological trauma from this last prophesy forced upon the two Heroes of Olympus, but even Grover had not expected this. They certainly looked the same as when he had last seen them, but from the posture, their darting glances, even within their own home, there was barely anything recognizable about the immovable Percy Jackson and unbreakable Annabeth Chase. It was almost as if his friends had never returned from his quest, and that thought sent a shiver up his spine.
Still, he was thrilled when his best friend had sent him an Iris Message asking him to accompany him to Manhattan to run an errand he had needed to take care of. But that crippling fear between the two demigods that he was now apart of, Grover was kicking himself as he didn't pay attention to the signs to at least prepare him for how emotionally fragile Percy and Annabeth were. Percy never feared walking the streets of Manhattan alone, it was his city after all, and Annabeth, while he thought maybe he had imagined it, seemed to hold a look of bitterness toward Grover for taking Percy away from her, if even for just a couple of hours.
"Hey, slow down man, we'll get there," Grover said, putting his hand on Percy's shoulder in the hope of relaying some peace of mind to his friend. The action worked marginally as Percy did slow his pace, but he was unnaturally focused on his path, save for the constant motion of his eyes raking the scene before them, and his hand continually slipping into his pocket, an unconscious action as he gripped Riptide.
"So, uh," the satyr began, looking for something to talk about to fill the empty silence that passed between them. "When did you guys move to the suburbs?"
The briefest of smiles tugged at the corner of the son of Poseidon's lips as he looked at his best friend. "About five months ago. When my mom realized the apartment we had was too small for two kids, she and Paul started looking for a place that was a little bigger. Her first book actually sold pretty well, so they found that house and bought it."
"It's nice man," Grover said, looking at the array of homey and cozy houses that lined the street they were walking, "nice to have a yard, you know. But, you've lived in the city your whole life, don't you miss the noise?"
"Gods no, I've…I've had enough noise and pollution to last me a lifetime," Percy said as reply as he again fell silent, him mind seemingly drifting to something beyond his and Grover's view.
As the silence stretched between them again, the former protector frowned, wondering where this hesitation in their friendship had come from. They had never had trouble talking to each other before, and while he was getting the sense that Percy wanted to talk, he was deeply hesitant about what subjects would be broached.
Finally, after no longer able to ignore the proverbial elephant in the room, he rounded on his friend. "Okay, talk to me Percy, what's going on man?"
The black haired teen paused a moment as he turned his attention to his best friend, his sea-green eyes searching for some purpose behind Grover's inquiry. As he stared for a moment his eyes drifted away from the satyr as though afraid of revealing what lay within his telling irises. "Something specific you want to ask or just in general?"
"Man, let's cut through all that, okay, I know you better than most people, same with Annabeth, and I ain't ever seen you two like that. Like you two were terrified of being out of each others line of sight for even a minute."
Percy scoffed at the question, rolling his head in reaction to Grover's inquiry. "You know what happened on this last quest Grover, what happened in Rome, hell everybody in camp knows, everybody in the entire demigod world knows. So why are you asking?"
"Because I'm your friend, and I am really worried about you man," he said, gripping Percy's shoulder tighter in an effort to support the young hero. "You and Annabeth are the two strongest people I know..."
A laugh ripped itself from Percy's lips. Not a laugh of comfort or that he found the situation funny, but a bitter, mirthless laugh that cradled all the pain and hurt nurtured within his soul. "Yeah, well, this quest broke us, okay."
Silence fell once again as Grover's hand dropped from Percy's shoulder while he nodded his head and pursed his lips. "Fine, you're right. I know what happened in Rome, and man, I am so, so sorry I didn't reach out before. I ain't going to make any excuses but I didn't know what to say."
"Yeah, well, no one knows how to talk to us anymore, at least people in the demigod world," Percy replied, his eyes dropping to the sidewalk, his shoes, the storm drain, anything associated with the ground really, as though his mind could not fight knowing what lay beneath all of that. "It's bad enough people treat us like we're broken, it's worse when they throw all the praise at us. 'Great job you two, knew Tartarus was a walk in the park for the two of you.' People are so damn arrogant thinking that we're okay, and last time Annabeth and I were at camp, we went along with it, pretending we were.
"You saw us in there Grover, you tell me, did we look okay to you?"
"No," he said after a moment to recall the images of his two best friends. "You looked like two people drowning in grief."
"That's because we are. Every minute of every day, we are fighting to keep our minds here...to not be dragged back into that pit. To see all the things we can't get out of our minds." His body began to shake in response to the memories that again began to pour over him as he thought of his time in Tartarus.
Sensing this, Grover wisely chose to change topics. "Okay, Percy, it's alright man. We don't have to talk about that bro, but...Percy, what happened your necklace?" Grover stated, pointing to the neckline of Percy's shirt.
Confusion passed across his features as Percy's hand instinctively went to his neck, feeling the bare skin just above the collar of his shirt. Lowering his eyes and taking a moment to stall for time, Percy finally replied, "I threw it away."
The response left a startled and confused look pass over his face before he responded. "Wh-why? I thought you loved feeling like you were part of...Annabeth wasn't wearing her necklace either," Grover replied, his attention shifting as his mind recalled seeing his other best friend's neck devoid of the camp symbol she so proudly wore since he had known her. "Why...why did you guys decide…?"
"Because we have no intention of going back to camp Grover, ever. You can tell Chiron that if you want." Percy replied as his eyes scanned the surroundings before making his way to a nearby bench. With his feet in the seat, he perched himself on the back of the bench and indicated his intention to have Grover join him.
When he was seated, the satyr looked at Percy as if waiting for him to continue. When nothing further was offered, he tapped Percy on the chin to remind him he was waiting for some explanation. "You going to tell me why or am I supposed to guess?"
"You know why," Percy said, his eyes still focused straight ahead before turning his attention to his best friend. Pointing a finger at Grover, he continued, "One of the heroes of Olympus, member of the Council of Cloven Elders, heir to the legacy of Pan, Lord of the Wilds. Tell me, do you ever get tired of seeing the satyrs and dryads and nature spirits fall over themselves whenever you walk by?"
Silence fell once again as Grover turned his attention to forward, his mind recalling shift in his status, from being an outcast to one of the most revered authorities in the natural world. "Yeah, yeah I do. But that doesn't mean I abandon Camp Half-Blood."
"No, but see, for me and Annabeth, its a bit more that just that. Because we're also heroes of Great Prophesy, they've already dubbed Annabeth the peacemaker, because she retried the statue of Athena. I don't even know what my nickname is and I don't care. I want want to know how I'll be remembered a thousand years from now. It's like all of our friends we had at camp, the ones still around, treat us as though we were our parents, and those are the ones who know us, its even worse with the young ones.
"Do you know the last time we were at camp, these first and second years would look at Annabeth and me like we were the gods incarnate. And they always asked the questions, 'what was it like to fight in the second Titan war, what was it like to hold up the sky? What was Tartarus like?'" Percy asked as a bitter laugh escaped his lips, his thoughts drawn to the unwanted hero worship he received from the younger campers who aspired to be just like him and Annabeth.
"Every one of these kids are eager to get their own quest, to prove themselves to be a great hero. Hell, I fought Ares when I was 12. It rips me up how many of these kids want to be me, or Annabeth. But they never bother to ask the real questions. 'How many times do you wake up in the night screaming from the nightmares or the memories? How many times have you almost died? How many of your friends have you buried?' Those aren't the questions they think about.
"No, they see me or Annabeth or Piper or Leo and they want to be just like us without realizing the cost of that fame and glory they're seeking. Without realizing who they should be looking to is Jason, because even the greatest will fall." Percy paused his speech while resting his forehead in his hand and taking several deep breaths. Grover considered for a long time the words Percy had said, before turning his attention back to his friend. Before he could say anything further however, the young demigod spoke.
"More than that though, camp isn't a home for us anymore," he continued, never lifting his head from his hand as spoke. "I only have three great things I got from camp...you, Tyson and Annabeth. Everything else is a memory that reminds me of friends that aren't around any more. Or, you know, having a goddess hijack me, wipe my memories and plop me down on the other side of the country because she needed an equal exchange for her precious Jason...fat lot of good having her as his patron did. Do you think I can ever sleep in that cabin without fearing it'll happen again? It's even worse for Annabeth. I never asked, but I know she can tell you the day, hour and exact minute she found me missing. She can't even get through the night without worrying I've been taken again, how do you think she'd react to being where it happened in the first place?
"But you wanted to know why Annabeth and I cling to each other so much? What happened to make us so emotionally fragile that we barely function when we're not in the same building?" He asked in a trembling voice, turning his attention to his best friend as the green irises, moistened by the tears he refused to let fall were swirling in pain and fear. This left him stunned, for these were two emotions Grover never attributed to Percy...but then, just because he had never seen it did not mean that they were never there, Percy just did a better job hiding the hurt. It had all just become too much, and it boiled over in the fragmented spirit of the young man before him. "Because when we fell into that pit, all we had was each other. You can't imagine the horrors that are down there Grover, hell there's things I can't even describe because there's no words to explain how terrifying they were.
"So yeah, Annabeth and I nearly died more than every quest combined, and we only survived because we had each other. And when we got out, our minds couldn't let us see the world as it was, we couldn't handle it...Tartarus followed us, at least mentally. We never mentioned it, but gods we are so paranoid that at any moment the earth will open up and swallow us back. You don't know this, no one does, but Tartarus appeared before us, he effortlessly destroyed two Titans just so he could kill us. He said even the gods didn't warrant his attention, but we did. How long before he decides to take his revenge on us?"
Percy fell silent for several minutes, his forehead resting against his hands as he fought the fear and terror his life had become. After several minutes of quiet, he spoke again, "Being together is the only thing that chases away the memories, convinces us we're still alive and together. I'm doing my best right now just not breaking down in a fit, because trust me, I'm tired of walking down the hallway of my school and fearing a student screaming will trigger a panic attack, I'm tired of jumping at shadows and never being able to just be relaxed in my environment. Worrying that any one of my teachers or classmates could be a monster in disguise, because that hasn't happened before. And everyone wants us to go back to normal, act like nothing happened. I don't even remember what normal is anymore."
Percy paused to let a self-depreciating laugh escape his lips, yet his eyes reflected a hollow distance that seemed never far from the surface. "And all these kids want to be us. None of them even realize how pointless it all is. I've seen it with my own eyes Grover, what's in that pit...there's no stopping it; some times I wonder if there's any point to trying. And yet we're just expected to keep fighting for the honor of the gods who won't raise a finger for us unless we bow down and genuflect to their glory. To have no say in the direction of my own life, get kidnapped by a goddess without caring about the emotional impact of anyone involved. As long as she got what she wanted, why does she care? Or having to beg the gods to help us when they know the only way to kill a giant is to work together, they still flaunt their status over us, expecting tribute and worship. And Chiron wants Annabeth and me back at camp to train these kids. For what? What, are these kids ever going to get out of it. It's just adding more meat to the grinder."
A cautious fear began to filter across Grover's features as he furrowed his brow, "Percy," he said hesitantly, as though unwilling to voice his greater concern. "You're starting to sound like..."
"I know," Percy replied as a broken sob ripped itself from his lips as he buried his face in his hands and shook his head to try to rid himself of these feelings. "Trust me Grover I know, and it scares the hell out of me."
For several minutes he just watched Percy, unsure what to say and what to do to placate his mind. After a moment to consider his options, Grover instead gently rapped his knuckles against Percy's leg to get his attention. When this didn't work, he repeated the action with a bit more force before the demigod finally turned to look at his friend, an expression of fear for being judged for his thoughts evident on his face. "Yo, Percy, let me see it."
"What?" the teen asked in confusion, his brow furrowing at the directional shift of their conversation.
"You brought me along on this little escort mission of yours, I want to know what this top secret errand is."
He wasn't sure the reason for the request, or the change of Grover's attention, but seemed pleased nonetheless to have something else to focus on for the moment. As he leaned to his left to give him better access to his hoodie pocket, he extracted a rectangular wooden box about the size of a harmonica, with a slide away top. Fumbling his fingers over the crude casing, he handed it to Grover.
The satyr smiled with expectation as he took the container and opened it, his eyes stunned at what he saw inside. "Whoa, Percy...is this for real?"
"Yeah," he said simply, holding out his hand to retrieve it while Grover gaped at the meaning of what was held within, before handing it back to his best friend. "I'm hoping it'll help...give us something to focus on, you know. Something for the future. That's why we're going to FedEx. With Olympus still closed, I'm hoping Hermes will be willing to take these and get some blessings put on them." Percy stared at the items within, seemingly the only hope he could find in his life, before closing the lid and returning it to his pocket.
A small, knowing smile crossed Grover's face as he looked at him. "Just so you know Percy, and in case you may have forgotten, I knew him longer than you did, and I can promise you, you're no Luke."
A pregnant pause passed between the two friends before the young demigod finally turned his attention fixedly upon the satyr. "How do you know Grover?" He asked the question with an exasperated sigh, partly disbelieving, and partly hoping his friend was telling him the truth.
"Because I know you man, and I knew Luke. The biggest difference between the two of you, is that Luke felt like he didn't have anyone to get him past that anger. Losing Thalia, well...he and her weren't at the level you and Annabeth are, but it was pretty clear it was headed that way. But Thalia died, and he was left to care for a little girl too afraid to understand what was going on around her. Only, she got claimed by Athena almost immediately, was sent to live in cabin six...taken away from him. His mom wasn't available, he was thrown into the Hermes cabin, I mean, he was a skilled camper and everyone admired him, but I don't think he let himself have any true friends.
"Unlike him Percy, you got your mom and Paul, you got a baby sister, who's adorable by the way. You got me, and Tyson, and most of all you got Annabeth." Grover paused as he pointed to Percy's pocket which contained the special project the young demigod had been so diligently working on. "Luke's biggest problem was he couldn't see the people around him who just wanted to help. He thought he was alone...and who knows, maybe he was. Maybe if we had taken an interest in what he was going through, things might have been different. But I honestly don't believe that, because Luke wanted that pain and anger and resentment, you don't. And that's what sets you apart. You got a line of people all wanting to help pull you out of this mire you're in Percy. My advice, let them."
The two fell into a silence for several minutes, Percy considering what Grover had told him, and the satyr wondering how long these thoughts had been weighing on Percy. Not just the anger and resentment, but worrying that he was becoming another demigod who felt betrayed by the gods and angry for all the blood and brutality that was forced onto his life.
When he raised his head to look at his best friend, a smile, true and genuine, parted Percy's lips. The action was awkward, as though he had forgotten how to express the emotion, but it was there nonetheless. "Thanks G-man, I needed this talk, I really did. My mom wouldn't have understood, and Annabeth, gods I would be terrified if she thought I was turning into another..."
"Hey, Percy, it's no big deal man," Grover interrupted as he stood up from the bench and smiled at his friend. "Sometimes its hard to see the forest through the trees."
A stunned look crossed his features as Percy rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Really? You're really using forest based proverbs?"
"Eh, whatever works right?" he said, slapping Percy on the shoulder, "Now come on, let's go get some blessings."
–
It had been a few minutes since Percy and Grover's departure that Annabeth had stood at the front door, her fingers inadvertently flexing and relaxing as she tried to placate her overactive mind. As she stood rooted in place, she struggled to come to terms with their dependency on one another. When they were at home, they were barely out of each others sight, easily within arms reach and readily available to hold each other when needed. And at school, they could usually fill the time apart by focusing on school work or other activities to busy their mind and meeting between classes to give themselves that level of reassurance they needed to get through the day, not that it was always successful, but it did help.
So as Annabeth stood in the entryway, struggling to manage her breathing, Sally came up to her and gripped her arm kindly, turning the young demigod's attention to her. As her eyes fell upon the older woman who cradled Estelle in her arms, a soft, supportive smile passed her lips. "I was planning to make some cookies, care to help me dear?" She had asked the question automatically, as though knowing the blonde's need to busy her mind during their separation.
Annabeth offered only a slight nod as she followed her to the kitchen, waiting patiently as Sally set Estelle in the baby carrier and set about collecting mixing bowls and measuring cups. When all the necessary implements were gathered, the older woman smiled encouragingly at Annabeth and pulled a recipe box from the cabinet and withdrew the cookie recipe.
As Sally continued to gather the ingredients, Annabeth stepped to the counter and read the card. The scrawling script was somewhat difficult with her dyslexia, but she managed to soldier through the page and proceeded to set about working to prepare the famous blue cookies of Sally Jackson-Blofis.
For some time, as the two women worked on the task, they filled the silence with idle small talk, Sally asking about Annabeth's classes and the later questioning about any new developments on the former's new book. This kind of verbal dance was something that was unnatural to the two however, with Sally looking for an opening to ask the more daunting questions, and Annabeth being more guarded. It wasn't difficult for the brilliant teen to understand what Sally's motivations were. Ever since her return from her walk in the park with Percy, she was determined to do what she could to support them both, and this meant touching on topics neither demigod was willing to discuss, but both knowing they would eventually need to confront if they were ever to purge the horrors from their minds.
This tension however never existed before. In the long months of Percy's disappearance, they would spend hours talking over tea and discussing what actions were being taken, Annabeth theorizing what she expected to find when reaching New Rome, and the blind hope that everything would somehow work out despite the best efforts of a certain meddling goddess.
In truth, Annabeth had undeniably hated how guarded she had become, especially with Sally. She had come to adore the woman, readily willing to accept her council when talking about her relationship with her son, or even how to navigate the confusing emotions of their relationship. A child of Athena would always struggle with their feelings, it was just the nature of their godly heritage, but that only ever added to her own insecurities and a deep reverence to the strength of her bond with Percy.
Yet here she was, deflecting questions Sally deserved to know the answers to. After all, what daughter of Athena would reject imparting knowledge, no matter how unpleasant the recalling of those answers would be.
"Annabeth?" her name broke her out of her reverie as she turned her attention to the older woman, eyebrows raised. "I was asking if everything was okay deer." While Sally's eyes were directed at the mixture of cookie dough the teen was working on, the question itself was open-ended enough to allow Annabeth the opportunity to take the opening, if she chose.
A moment passed between them as the young demigod considered how to answer the question. She again hated how reluctant she was to share her discomfort with everybody in her life, yet that reluctance was born not from distrust of the woman beside her, but of the fear that voicing her own unease of everything that burdened her would open up the floodgates too wide, let too much of her own pain to pour forth and overwhelm her.
But what kind of hero was she if she wasn't willing to face her fear? A functional one, a small voice within her mind responded. Even if she didn't want to know an answer, part of the problem with her overactive mind was that it never allowed her to wallow in ignorance for long. This was a gift from Athena, she supposed, and like all gifts from the gods, was one that was not wholly appreciated. Still, she was becoming restless with the idea that that was all she was doing of late; surviving, functioning. How much living was she really doing?
As she stole a sideways glance at Sally, she expected the patient smile from the older woman, as if she were waiting to see which way Annabeth would respond. It wasn't until she felt her hands shake against the mixing bowl that she looked down and realized her nerves were becoming overactive from the lack of stimuli. The shakes would always be there when she wasn't actively keeping herself occupied, or when Percy wasn't around to reassure her he would never leave her side.
Gods she hated how weak she felt without him.
"Some days are better than others," Annabeth's words slipped past her lips, traitorously revealing the unsettling emotions that continually raced through her mind. For the briefest of moments her body stiffened as she turned her attention to the older woman working her own cookie mixture. An expression of startled shock flitted across her visage as she suddenly turned her eyes back to her own creation, shamed at this display of weakness.
For Sally, she saw the turmoil within Annabeth's posture and was reminded of her son's own hesitation to show his pain and grief to her. Both Percy and Annabeth have been conditioned to show no weakness. The leader and the general, the hero and the strategist, both pillars of their camp, both legends in the eyes of their peers...both children suffering under the expectation forced upon them because no one else would step up to take the responsibility. They had saved the world several times over, and were now just struggling to save each other.
Sally made no comment to Annabeth regarding the chink in her armor, and rather continued mixing the batter; yet from the corner of her eye would see the young demigod periodically steal glances over her shoulder, watching the door as if expecting Percy to walk through at any given moment. The sigh escaped her lips as she turned back to the recipe and continued adding ingredients before again voicing her thoughts. "I've been trying to figure it out..."
The words were soft, more a self-contained diatribe than speaking directly to Sally. "I don't know when it happened really, but I can't pinpoint the moment when I became so dependent on his presence. I've never needed someone as much as I need him," she continued, her words sliding from her lips like an unsheathed blade, slow and deliberate, yet poised as if uncertain of being attacked for her weakness.
Sally shared no words however, merely paused in her preparation and stared at the young woman. "I began thinking that...it must have been during the months he was taken from me, I...I mean us," Annabeth corrected as she hurriedly glanced at Sally, praying she would not be judged for her selfish need of having Percy in her life, when knowing Sally suffered just as much through his abduction. The older woman however merely smiled in understanding, her eyes soft and encouraging, inviting the blonde to continued. For whatever reason, Annabeth felt comforted by her presence, almost welcoming Sally's gentle nature to encourage her to relinquish the weight of her fears, despite her unwillingness to do so.
"That's what I first thought anyway," she continued, turning her attention back to the mixing bowl, as if speaking directly to the cookie dough. "But then, I went off on my solo quest to retrieve the Athena Parthenos. At that time, if I was so desperately depended on him being near me, I wouldn't have left on my own. Although I have to admit, I had to fight every step I took to stop myself from running back to him, it took all my will to force myself forward. And then to face Arachne, it nearly broke me.
"Part of my thinks that was the moment I realized I couldn't live without him. I was just...so...terrified I would die without seeing him again." Annabeth took a moment to fight the tears that threatened to well up from her eyes while fighting to push the words past her tightening throat. "I mean, when he was missing, I was at least occupying myself with doing everything I could to find him. But facing Arachne, I was positive I was going to die alone down in that cavern."
Swallowing several times to fight back the lump in her throat, Annabeth turned her attention once more to the woman beside her, unsure if she should continue. Something inside her however compelled her to go on, to further explain the depths of her anxieties...knowing that if she were to stop here, she would never reveal the fears she had locked away within herself. Though it was agonizing to relive the horrors she witnessed as well as the crippling emotions that accompanied those memories, she knew she had to continue.
"E-even facing Arachne though, I'm not sure, because there was another moment that seems to stick out to. It was...when we were...in the pit," the hesitance of her words made it harder to breathe, but still Annabeth forced the words from her mouth, grimacing in pain as though the physical effort took every bit of her will. "We were surrounded by the arai...uh, curse demons," she said as way of clarification. "When we killed one, we were inflicted by the curse it carried. I killed two, the first took away my sight, but I was okay...because Percy was still there.
"But then the second one, I was alone. I could find him, and I felt he abandoned me. It was the worse fear of my life...more than anything else, I was reminded of all the people who promised never to leave, only to be abandoned by them...and then I felt Percy had abandoned me too. I know he never would, but still...there's always that nibbling fear in the back of my mind that everyone I care about decides to leave me, that maybe I'm not worth loving, or that," her voice paused as a hitched sob spilled from her lips. "Or that I don't deserve being loved. Oh gods...where is he?"
Annabeth paused in her admission, her deepest and most crippling fear spilling out. She stepped from her preparations as the panic began to rise and she clutched the counter in a white-knuckle grip, taking several deep, shaking breaths as if fighting to purge her emotions that threatened to drown her in her fears. In some part of her mind she questioned why she had not seen it before now, before realizing that it was because she didn't want to know. Reliving the moments only brought more pain, as she was currently coming to understand.
Immediately Sally moved to the struggling teen and enfolded her in her arms, rubbing a comforting hand up the length of her back. "It's okay sweetie," she encouraged, softly speaking to the trembling girl. "I told Percy and I'll tell you, you don't have to hide the pain from anybody in this house sweetheart."
The words began to tumble, almost as if on their own accord, and despite her best efforts, Annabeth could not halt the flood. "Maybe...maybe its everything...I don't know, I just don't know. I hate not knowing, but I can't cope without him. I'm so broken and twisted by fears and..." her words petered off in the sighs of a shattered young woman, as she moved her arms to clutch Sally, burying her face in the older woman's shoulder. "The only thing that kept me going was wanting to see him again.
"You know that, when I was seven," she continued, recalling the memories of her past that even to this day still haunted her, "I ran away and was on my own for weeks before I was found by Luke and Thalia. I didn't need anyone, and now look at me, I can't go five minutes not knowing where he is without falling to pieces. What is wrong with me?"
"Nothing," Sally said reassuringly as she moved to hold Annabeth at arms length and look her in the eye. "There is nothing wrong with you sweetheart. You and Percy, you have to understand, you're just kids. You've been shoved into a world of gods and monsters, with expectations that would crush dozens of adults under the responsibility you've been forced to shoulder. You never even had the chance to emotionally come to terms with one war before you were thrown into the next. The human mind can't snap back that quickly."
Sally positioned her hands to cradle Annabeth's face, her thumbs moving to wipe away the tears that slowly fought their way past her eyes. "Annabeth, listen to me, there is nothing weak about admitting you need help. You and Percy, you can't both carry all this pain inside you and not expect it to impact you in some way. You may be part god, but you're also part human; and I can tell you from experience that the human part, can't always carry those burdens alone."
She could see Annabeth fighting back the tears however and biting her lower lip as she struggled to get her breathing under control. "Percy's really lucky to have you Sally," she said, offering a weak smile as her words hitched within her throat.
"He's lucky to have you too," she replied, offering a smile of her own. "And any mother would be proud to have you as a daughter."
"Not any mother," Annabeth whispered, turning her shimmering eyes to the ground as she could not bring herself to look at Sally. It was at that moment she realized how starved for maternal recognition and tenderness Annabeth was. Athena had, like all gods, ignored her children unless she needed something from them, and her stepmother was not particularly supportive of the life forced upon her. So it was no wonder that when Annabeth was greeted with the kind of support given to her by Percy, and to a lesser extent, Sally, she was overwhelmed by the love she hadn't even known she was deprived of until it had been given to her.
When she had sufficiently calmed herself, Sally had led her to the dining room while returning to the kitchen and preparing some tea. As the water was boiling in preparation, she collected the baby carrier and placed Estelle on the table. Thank God the child was such an easy baby, she simply seemed intent on stuffing her hand in her mouth while eyeing Annabeth, allowing the demigod to hold the infants chubby fingers in her hand.
Sally had placed a teacup in front of Annabeth and took her seat at the table, watching the teenager focus her attention on entertaining Estelle. She knew Sally was watching her, and she was so grateful she was giving her the time to work out in her own mind whether she wished to continue. "I never meant to tell you any of that Sally. You have enough to deal with trying to help Percy, I...I don't want to be a burden. I'm sorry you had to see me fall apart."
"Don't apologize Annabeth," she said, reaching out and grasping Annabeth's wrist. "What you and Percy went through, I can't even begin to imagine. But like I told you, you two don't have to inspire your peers here, there's no monsters to fight right now. Neither of you have to hide your fears from me and Paul, we're not going to judge you sweetie."
Annabeth remained quiet for several minutes, staring into the teacup before offering a watery smile to Sally. "I love him so much it hurts," she confessed, her eyes softening in a reflection of fear as if waiting for Sally's judgment. When the only response was the supportive hand on her arm tightening, Annabeth looked at her as though not sure if she deserved the comfort Sally provided. "He's done so much for me, wanting to keep me safe...oh gods I hope he never thinks I take him for granted." A few fat tears slid from her over bright eyes, burning a track down the subtle curve of her cheek.
"You needn't worry about that Annabeth," Sally smiled softly as she fixed her eyes on the young demigod. "You exhausted yourself for eight months trying to find him when he went missing. Your devotion to him is just as steadfast as his is for you. And when it comes to you, there are two absolutes I can tell you about my son. First, he is 100%, head over heels in love with you. And the second, is that his devotion and loyalty to you have nothing to do with his fatal flaw."
The words caught Annabeth unaware as she allowed the glimmering ghost of a fragile yet hopeful smile to breathe into existence upon her features. Within a silent moment of contemplation, the declaration given to her by Sally sank in as she looked at the older woman. "You know about his fatal flaw? I-I never thought he mentioned it to you."
A smile born of memory parted Sally's lips as she recalled the conversation she had with her son. "I suppose it was, two, maybe three years ago? Apparently there was a celebration in Olympus, I don't remember what it was for...he mentioned it, but I can't recall the reason. Anyway, during this celebration he said he had a conversation with your mother..."
"Oh, did...did he mention what she had said?"
"Not so much, I think he was a little embarrassed," her smile grew wider as though she suspected whatever Athena had said that left Percy stumbling over his words was in relation to Annabeth, and he certainly didn't want to bring that up to his own mother. "Anyway, he did say she had warned him of his fatal flaw, said personal loyalty would bring about the destruction of the world. He couldn't seem to understand why being loyal to someone was a bad thing.
"I did my best to try to help him understand what Lady Athena had implied. I obviously can't say I know what was going on in her mind, but I think understood what she was warning him of. He would throw himself into harms way to save a friend, even at the risk of his own life..."
"Like Tartarus," she said, the name barely a whisper upon her lips.
Sally's smile shifted sadly as she moved her hand from Annabeth's forearm to grip her hand. "He didn't fall into that hell out of personal loyalty for you Annabeth. My son never does anything he's not fully willing to do. After eight months of being apart, for the two of you to reunite after you retrieved your mother's statue, he just can't imagine his life without you. It wasn't his fatal flaw, that he did out of his absolute love for you. And despite what you tell yourself and Percy, I know you still blame yourself for what happened, but before you focus on that, I want you to understand," Sally paused, reining in her emotions over the absolute pain these two remarkable young heroes suffered, "for Percy there was no other choice. If he let you fall alone, he would have died of grief had you never made it out of that pit. He needs you as much as you need him, I know it within the depths of my heart. It was your love, yours and his, that guided you out. And that love I trust is what will help pull you from these nightmares and fears and...and panic attacks."
Annabeth's eyes fell upon the older woman, a new look of shame overtaking the hope as she chewed on her bottom lip at the memory of the panic attack that happened nearly three weeks ago. "I'm sorry Sally, I never meant for you to see that."
"Its alright," she said, shaking her head slightly to dismiss the apology. "I won't lie, it was hard to watch, I didn't know what to do to help. But, seeing how Percy reacted, I'm guess that wasn't your first one?"
"No, it wasn't," she said softly, pausing to take a drink of her tea which was now barely lukewarm. "It's happened twice before. The first one was here, you had Paul had taken Estelle to get a check up, so Percy and I decided to watch a movie. He threw some popcorn in the microwave and...he burnt it. Something about the smell triggered a memory and I started screaming and flailing. I was yelling such horrible things at him, telling him he should have let me go, how it was my fault he was broken and he should hate me for what I did to him...when I finally came out of it, he was still holding me. He was sobbing uncontrollably, but he never let go.
"He was so mad at me, thinking I could take the blame of what happened to us. He told me to never blame myself, that it was the gods, or Gaea, or fate or whatever, but it was never our fault for falling in that damn pit." Annabeth's fingers began tapping uncontrollably on the table's surface as she took a moment to calm her breathing. "I didn't really believe what he was saying, but I let it go. I'd do anything to see him smile again, before all this happened to us, and I didn't want to burden him more than I already had." Her countenance no longer able to restrain the emotions within her, she allowed a sob to shake her entire body.
"You are never a burden to him Annabeth," Sally said softly once more, her eyes reflecting a love only a mother could give, an emotion so foreign to Annabeth that she was lost in the concept of it. "I have never seen my son happier than he has been with you, and that goes for, well, everything the two of you are dealing with. I know it may not seem like it, but I have seen cracks in the pain you two have been fighting. Sometimes they're small changes, a small smile or a glimmer in his eyes, or yours.
"It's like what I told him about his fatal flaw, even loyalty can have its limits before it becomes toxic. Too much of a good thing, is not always a good thing; and too much of a bad thing does not mean it's entirely bad."
Annabeth stared in silent contemplation of the words the older woman spoke, while Sally just watched with an observing eye, waiting for her moment to continue and help ease the tension within her. After a silence that stretched too long in Annabeth's opinion, Sally continued, "Just because all you can see of the world around you is the struggles, the bad things, doesn't mean that the good is not there, they're just hidden from view.
"It's like an oasis in the desert," she said softly, her eyes turning to admire Estelle who was burbling quite noisily, as though adding her own thoughts to the conversation. "You can trek through the desert for days or weeks at a time, feeling lost, fatigued...scared. Every now and then though, you'll come across an oasis, something to give you a little rest or comfort from the barren world you find yourself in. It may just be a temporary reprieve, but it'll sustain you enough to make it through.
"Too much of anything, good or bad, is never to the benefit of anyone."
"Like laundry," Annabeth remarked, the words slipping past her lips without her knowing she even said it. As she looked at Sally, she became self-aware of what she had said while the older woman merely waited for her to continue. "When Percy came with from the trip to the park with you, he told me that maybe our problem was that we were trying to recover everything, fix ourselves all at once instead of small doses. But, that became a problem as well, because, like laundry, if you just dump it all on your bed, it's one big heap. You have to sort though the pile, separate out the jeans from the cottons, the towels and washcloths from the whites. We realized there's too much to try to pick through because shifting our efforts to resolve one issue, one fear left us buried under the pile of everything else we've been avoiding all this time.
"So, we've decided to compartmentalize everything, start small, you know. Talk everything out, and move piece by piece through our lives. There's too much to try to resolve all at once. So, we figured we'd start with our first quest. It's been enough time, we're hoping a lot of that has dulled, maybe it'll be easier to talk about as it was so long ago."
Sally smiled and moved her hand again to squeeze Annabeth's hand in a demonstration of support. "I think that sounds like a good plan, but when you start talking about this, I want you both to talk to me. Reliving everything with each other, it'll only add on to your struggles, because you'll try to comfort Percy and he'll try to comfort you, and you've got no where for those feelings to go, it'll just fall right back onto you."
Annabeth furrowed her brow again, realizing how much Sally was willing to take upon herself in an effort to excise all the trauma these two have endured. Before she could voice her objections though, afraid what dumping all of this onto the only woman who'd loved her like a mother, Sally raised her hand to stall the rebuttal. "Believe me, I know how much pain you and Percy are in, and I want to be there, as your sounding board or whatever you want to call it. Everything you've dealt with is in the past, and you're both alive. But you can't be happy if you're not willing to expel those memories.
"I've already discussed this with Paul, he and I will take turns, listening to your stories, and helping the two of you unravel the hurt and fear...this way, you don't have to worry about unloading everything on me, Paul will help shoulder all of this as well. We just want the two of you to be happy sweetie. And, well, just like you and Percy, Paul and I know what it means to help shoulder each others burdens. The main difference though, is that the two of you share those same burdens, and you've got no where for them to go. So give them to us."
Annabeth's breathing became tight and restrictive as she tried to consider what Sally was saying, whether she could or should even relent and allow herself and Percy to use his parents to purge all the scars they carried. Before she could rationalize it however, Sally had risen from her chair and again embraced teen in her arms. "I may have already implied this Annabeth, while Percy may be my son, you're both my kids, and I will do everything a mother can to protect you from this."
Those simple words, that singular sentiment caused Annabeth's will to crumble as she wrapped her arms around Sally, thanking her and blessing her for being the person she was. This was something foreign to Annabeth, the idea of a mother who was there to nurture her, not cast insane, suicidal missions for her to complete just to earn her favor that never came. She may not have understood it, but she only just now realized how starved she was for having that relationship in her life.
It was several minutes before Annabeth could get her emotions under control again, her breathing hitching slightly as she pulled away and wiped her eyes with the balls of her hands. The smile she gave was watery and fragile, but hopeful, and though she could not express the words beyond her tightened throat, Sally knew.
"Now come on," she smiled as she stroked her daughter-to-be's cheek and moved to collect Estelle, "I'm pretty sure the cookie mixture isn't any good now...what do you say we start over?"
The metaphor was certainly not lost on Annabeth, as she nodded her head in agreement and offered a simple, "I'd like that," before following Sally back into the kitchen.
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A/N: So yeah, this story took a turn. Originally, this chapter was to focus more on the conversation between Annabeth and Sally, with the Grover and Percy being a side point. I was even struggling with whether to include it at all, but then I wrote it up, and found myself struggling with the main part of this chapter. Ah well…
One thing I wanted to focus upon was that I've read so many stories where Percy and Annabeth just wanted to go back to camp, I can't see that honestly. The Battle of the Labyrinth where so many of their friends had died, and of course Percy's abduction from Cabin 3, there's just too much to remind them of all the tragedy they've experienced. Also, just saying, but I HATED BoO. Five POV characters, and two weren't even of the Prophesy of Seven, their part should have been a side story, but whatever. I just think Percy and Annabeth got a raw deal out the rest of the series. I mean when Athena gives her blessing to Reyna and not Annabeth, despite everything Annabeth did, there's a real middle finger to the characters.
Anyway, if you are kind enough to read, please drop a review, would love to know what I did right and what I can do to better my writing. Thank you for reading. Next chapter I plan to be a little lighter in tone.