Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 53- Every Rose Has Its Thorn-Part 3
As Johanna entered the break room on Thursday morning, she saw that Melanie and Callie were there and she groaned internally. They were the last people she wanted to see, especially when she still had a slight limp from her fall the day before. She didn't want them noticing and she hoped the bandage on her knee wasn't too visible through her black pantyhose which she had selected for the purpose of covering up the wound. She didn't want questions, she didn't want to think about how Jim had been sweet and caring one minute and then backing off with the speed of a freight train the next, letting her limp home by herself. She could've gone back inside the building and called a cab or even her sister but she'd held on to a small little glimmer of hope that maybe he'd take her home and they could talk. When he backed away so quickly, pride had made her hobble home on her broken shoes, tears flowing freely.
Johanna shook the memory away, catching the catty looks that Callie and Melanie were throwing her. She rolled her eyes and made her way to the refrigerator to grab a soda. She popped the tab and moved to the counter to get a straw. She didn't even have the paper completely peeled off the straw before Callie sauntered over and leaned against the counter.
"I hope there won't be any hard feelings, Jo," she said, her tone sugary sweet.
"About what?" Johanna asked, although she had a feeling that she didn't want to know.
"About me and Jim," Callie cooed. "We went out last night…we really hit it off."
Johanna forced herself not to react badly. "That's nice," she replied casually.
"I'd say they did more than just hit it off," Melanie said suggestively.
Callie smiled. "It was a very long night," she laughed. "We got better acquainted…much better."
"And you think I care because?" Johanna asked; forcing herself not to feel the sting of the implication.
"Well I know the two of you were an item for a very short while. I don't want you to think I stole your man."
Johanna forced a smile to her lips. "We're no longer together, what he does is his business. If you want my leftovers, by all means, have at him. I don't mind at all."
"I just bet you don't," Melanie retorted as she moved closer. "I mean let's look at the big picture, you've only been apart for a few days and he's already moved on…I mean, what's that say about you?"
"I don't believe it's a reflection upon me," she replied. "The question would be, what does it say about him? And the answer would probably be that it says he's easily distracted, not looking for anything serious, and all for an easy good time that he can leave behind without a second thought."
Callie smirked at her. "That's not sour grapes is it? I mean he did unload you pretty quickly, I imagine that was quite a blow, seeing as how you don't generate much interest."
Johanna smirked. "Not everyone wants the kind of interest you and Melanie generate, Callie."
"You have to admit though, I was right," Melanie crowed. "I told you that you weren't his type, that he needed a real woman. Apparently you were just a little challenge for him…and once he had his fun, he went looking for what he really likes…and it isn't you. You just don't have what it takes to hold on to a man."
She smiled; anger and hurt surging in her blood. "And apparently that person still isn't you, Melanie; after all, he went for your friend. That probably stings a little, doesn't it? Knowing that even after me, he still doesn't want you. He'd rather have your best friend," she said with a shake of her head. "That must burn your ass something terrible…unless of course you're already plotting to try and steal him from Callie, which I wouldn't doubt for a moment…I mean that is the reason you and Jillian aren't friends anymore, isn't it? She found out you were screwing her fiancée behind her back. I guess Callie better not turn her back on you or you're liable to stab her in it…that is if you ever get Jim drunk and desperate enough."
Melanie's eyes glittered with malice. "I've already had him," she remarked. "I had him long before you did."
"Well in that case, I guess you don't have what it takes to hold on to a man either, now do you?" Johanna replied.
"You can pretend you don't care all you want," Callie remarked. "But everyone knows you do. At least I was honest with you and told you that he was moving on. I even wanted to make sure there weren't any hard feelings about it and yet you have to be snippy as usual."
"There aren't any hard feelings, Callie. I couldn't care less what you and Jim do with each other. I hope you'll be very happy together…for however many weeks that is, because let's face it, he seems to have a short attention span. Good luck to you; and watch you back, your little bimbo buddy there will stab you in it one day if you don't keep your eyes open."
Both women glared at her as she put her straw in her soda and swiftly walked away, ignoring the small twinge in her ankle as she forced herself not to limp. When she got far enough down the hallway, she allowed the full force of the hurt to hit her. They might've been lying, she told herself as she felt moisture gathering in her eyes. But then, on the other hand, they might not have been. Jim might've really gone out with Callie…maybe that was why he hadn't offered to take her home after she fell. He had plans with Callie and she would've been delaying him. It hurt…but he hadn't done anything wrong. He had broken up with her and he was well within his right to go out with someone else. She just wanted to know for sure if what Callie claimed was true. Normally she would've gone straight to Sharon and asked but things were slightly rocky between them and they didn't seem to be speaking about the issue due to her assignment of blame for the crashing and burning of her relationship. She didn't hold her friends completely responsible, but they did play a role and that couldn't be denied. She and Sharon were now avoiding the topic completely.
Johanna passed her office, knowing she had nothing on her schedule until her court appearance in an hour. She'd go to Maggie; Maggie would probably know the answer.
When she arrived in Maggie's office, she had to sit down and wait a few minutes as she was in with a client. Johanna tapped her foot against the floor impatiently until Maggie's secretary, Janice shot her a glare. "Must you do that?" she asked.
"Sorry," she replied, forcing her foot to stay still as Janice's disapproving gaze remained on her a moment longer before returning to her work. Johanna forced herself not to roll her eyes. Janice was older than them and she did a lot of frowning at their visits to each other, their gossip…the soap opera they all seemed to live, as she termed it. They often invited her to gatherings and events but she always turned them down, even when told that she could bring her husband along. Janice always reminded them that she was there to work, not to make friends. It seemed to be a promise she intended to keep.
Johanna shifted in her seat, willing Maggie to wrap things up with her client before she needed to head back to her own office to get ready for court. Finally Maggie and her client stepped out of the office and Johanna shot to her feet, catching her friend's eye. "Do you have a minute?" she asked her once her client had left the office.
"Yeah; come on in," Maggie told her; ignoring Janice's grumbling about people socializing more than they worked.
Johanna followed Maggie into the office and sat down in one of the chairs across from her desk as her friend closed the door and returned to her chair. "What's going on?" Maggie asked.
"Have you heard anything about Jim going out with Callie last night?" she asked quietly.
Her friend was quiet for a moment. "What have you heard?"
"I asked you first."
Maggie sighed; she had been hoping that rumor wouldn't have reached Johanna's ears. It was only going to add insult to injury. "I heard that he was with her at a bar last night."
"What else?" Johanna prompted; knowing that she was holding something back.
"I heard that they were cozy…and that they left together."
She nodded; her gaze dipping to the floor for a moment as she felt the sting of tears. "So it's true," she murmured.
"Who told you?" Maggie asked.
Johanna gave a quiet bitter laugh. "Callie and Melanie just told me in the break room."
"Bitches."
"Every time I think I can't hate them more, they surprise me," she replied. "You should've seen how happy they were to tell me."
"Oh I can imagine," Maggie replied. "I hope you got in a few shots of your own."
"A few…it's just too bad it wasn't my fist."
Maggie smiled. "Maybe next time."
Johanna managed a small smile of her own before the tears broke free. "I guess he's really moving on," she said softly.
"I find it hard to believe that he could move on that quickly."
"He must be though; apparently someone must've seen them together last night. It's probably why Callie felt like she had a golden opportunity to rub it in."
"That doesn't mean it's completely true though," her friend reminded her.
"But it could be…clearly something went on between them…not that it's any of my business now, but he could've at least waited until I got my stuff out of his apartment."
"True. I'm surprised he hasn't told you to come get it."
"I'm surprised he hasn't packed it up and handed it off to Jeff to give to you to give to me," Johanna replied.
Maggie smiled. "When that happens, I'm hitting them both with the bag and telling Jim to do his own dirty work."
She managed to smile a little despite the stray tears that were still occasionally sliding down her cheeks. "You don't have to worry about that; I'm going to take the initiative and clean out on my own."
"I don't blame you. Do you want me to let you know when he's out with Jeff?"
Johanna shook her head. "No; I'll do it while he's at lunch. It won't take long; I'll just get it over with quickly."
"Even better; it'll be a nice surprise for him when he gets home from work."
She brushed away the dampness on her cheeks. "I don't think he'll care. It's over…I blew it…as usual."
Maggie rounded the desk to hug her. "I don't think it was you, Jo. I think it's him."
She hugged her friend tightly, soaking up the comfort that was offered. "Either way I still come out on the losing end."
"It'll be okay," Maggie murmured. "I'm not giving up hope on the two of you yet; it might take a little time but I think eventually he'll find his way back."
Johanna gave a small nod and released her friend. "I'm still going to get my stuff though; I don't want anyone getting the wrong impression of him."
"That's understandable; I'd do the same thing."
She glanced at her watch. "I better get back to my office; I need to call my sister about our lunch plans and then head to court to sit beside him again."
Maggie gave her an encouraging smile. "Call me later; let me know how everything goes."
"I will," she promised as she rose from her seat and headed to the door.
Jim hurried into the courtroom with minutes to spare although he had been sure that his first hearing of the day would've delayed him. Johanna was already there, her papers, legal pad and pen all neatly laid out on the table in front of her as usual. He was glad to see that Collins hadn't arrived yet; he could do without him for another couple of minutes. Stealing a quick glance at Johanna, he slid into his space, noting that she was keeping her gaze pinned on the vacant judge's bench.
"Good morning," Jim said hesitantly; sensing that her mood wasn't good…not that he really expected it to be.
Johanna scoffed softly despite trying to withhold the gesture. It wasn't a good morning…not with thoughts of him and Callie in her head; although if he really had spent the night with her then she was sure it was a good morning to him. "Morning," she forced herself to mutter; leaving off the 'good' and wishing she could substitute it with a few choice words. She felt her temper rising and she quickly smothered it.
Jim shifted in his seat; she was probably angry with him for not offering her a ride home the day before when she fell…and of course it had been obvious yesterday that her patience and understanding of their break up was wearing thin. She was angry…he didn't blame her; he was angry at himself too. It had been wrong to let her walk home by herself and he was sorry that he hadn't done the right thing…and trying to avoid the subject now would just be more wrongness.
"How's your knee?" he asked; wishing he didn't have to bring up the elephant in the room.
"It's fine," she answered; her tone void of any emotion.
"Did you go get it checked?"
"No; it's fine. I took care of it myself."
"It's a nasty gash, Johanna."
Her gaze finally met his. "Most of them are."
Jim's brow furrowed; was that comment supposed to mean something? "You should really go get it checked …make sure you didn't hurt yourself worse than you think."
She gave a soft bitter laugh, her heart throbbing. "Believe me; I know exactly how much it hurts."
That seemed like a barb as well; Jim thought to himself. "Is your ankle okay?"
"It's fine."
"Is that your answer for everything today?" Jim asked, his tone carrying a note of tartness.
"Maybe…why do you care anyway?"
He pinned her with a sharp look. "You know why I care, Jo...I'm sorry about yesterday, I should've driven you home. Just because we're having an issue doesn't mean I should've let you walk home."
Johanna shook her head. "It's fine; don't worry about it; I would've walked anyway."
"You really expect me to believe that?"
"I don't care if you believe it or not; I wouldn't have accepted. I'm not your obligation and I'm sure you had more important things to do than haul me around because of a sore knee."
"No, I didn't; and I felt badly about it all night," Jim told her, his hand reaching for hers and giving it a quick squeeze before she pulled her hand from his grasp.
It was on the tip of her tongue to say that he must not have felt too badly when he was seen looking cozy with Callie just a few hours later but she held her tongue; he was a free man, he could do what he wanted…it would just feel like a knife piercing her heart for a little while until she got used to it…if she ever did. "It's fine," she murmured. "Let's just forget about it, alright?"
Jim exhaled a heavy breath; she didn't want to hear his apologies or excuses…he didn't blame her. He had felt badly all evening; even went to the payphone outside the bar once to call and make sure she was okay but he had stopped himself before he dropped the quarter into the slot…he wished that he had called after all instead of returning to the table he'd been sharing with Callie. He glanced at his watch and saw they probably only had a few more moments before their client showed up. "Do you want to handle the closing arguments tomorrow since you're good at that?" he asked.
She shrugged. "Whatever you want; it's your call."
Frustration colored his features. "Why?" he asked sharply.
"Because you're the first chair and the first chair always makes the decision," she replied. "If you want me to do it, I'll do it; if not, go for it, I don't care, I'm getting paid either way."
"Forget it," he stated; "I'll do it myself. You're in a hell of a mood today, Johanna."
"I would apologize but I'm not really sorry," she remarked. "But in all honesty I wasn't trying to be a bitch about the closing arguments, I was just stating the fact of what happens when we work together; you take the lead, make the decisions and I do what I'm told…remember, I have two years less experience."
"So much for not being a bitch about it," he muttered.
"I heard that."
"I wanted you to."
Johanna lowered her head slightly. "I'm sorry," she said quietly; "It won't happen again…not in a professional sense…personally I can't guarantee you anything; but work wise I'll control myself. If you want me to do the closing, I will, but you need to tell me now instead of waiting until five minutes before the hearing like you did that one time. But to be perfectly honest, I don't really want to do it; Collins doesn't like me and he'll bitch and want you to handle it so I really think you should do it, but it's your call."
She was right, if she did it, Collins would grumble…and if they lost, he'd blame Johanna and Jim didn't like the thought of that. "You make a good point about our client…I'll handle it, you can catch the next one."
If there was a next one, Johanna thought to herself as she leaned back in her chair; personally she was hoping they could avoid working together in the future. She was also hoping that the morning would move quickly; Colleen was going to meet her there and they were going to go get her stuff from his apartment. She wanted to get it over with and then maybe she could settle down some.
"Brace yourself, here he comes," Jim whispered; hearing his client's voice in the background.
Johanna gave a nod; she had to sit with two jackasses all day; one she hated and one she loved…what were the odds of that? Better yet, why was she cursed enough to have it happen to her?
"Jo, are you sure you want to do this?" Colleen asked as Johanna unlocked the door of Jim's apartment later that day. "It's only been a week."
"I know," she replied as they stepped inside. "But I think its best. He hasn't made any attempt to talk about things…and he was out with someone else last night."
"Maybe it was just a one time thing," her sister offered as she followed her to the bathroom.
"Maybe," she remarked as she handed Colleen her purse. "But just in case it isn't, I should get my stuff out of here. What if he brings someone here and they see my stuff? I don't want them to think he's a cheater…because he's not."
"It just feels like it, right?" Colleen asked as she unzipped the black leather overnight bag that she had bought for Johanna before meeting up with her.
She gave her sister a small smile as she pulled open the bottom drawer of the sink cabinet. "That's just me being a newly minted ex-girlfriend," she remarked.
"It's okay, I'd feel the same way," her sister replied as she moved into place beside her and held the bag open for her.
Johanna tossed her belongings into the bag and then closed the empty drawer. "I'm finished in here; I just need to get my clothes."
They moved to the bedroom and Colleen sat the bag down on the bed and stood by as Johanna went to the closet. She grabbed the pair of black heels she kept there from the closet floor and the pink flip flops she had left behind as well. She packed them into the bag and then went back and pulled the dresses she had in the closet from the hangers. She folded them neatly and stacked them on the bed, going back and taking the clothes she kept there for work. She folded them as well and organized the contents of the bag so that she could pack the clothes neatly inside.
"Is that all?" Colleen asked.
She shook her head. "I have clothes in the dresser."
"Maybe I should've brought two bags."
"I'll get everything into this one," she replied. "It might be a tight fit but we'll make it."
Johanna went to the dresser and began pulling out lingerie and nightgowns. She packed them and then pulled open a second drawer and took out her jeans and t-shirts. "It's funny how much stuff you can accumulate in someone else's home in such a short amount of time, isn't it?" she asked as she crammed the items into the bag.
Colleen smiled. "There's nothing wrong with it; you've known him a long time. Does he have stuff at your place?"
"Yeah but if he wants it he'll have to come and get it himself; I'm not doing it for him."
"Are those your earrings on the dresser…or someone else's?" Colleen asked hesitantly as she caught sight of the jewelry.
Johanna moved back to the dresser. "They're mine," she said as she picked up the silver hoop earrings. I was looking for them this morning."
"Do you have everything now?"
She scanned the room. "I think that's everything in here; I'll look around the living room," she said as she picked up the bag.
They moved back to the living room and Johanna walked around. She found her book that she had left behind the last time she was there and she shoved it into her bag. She went to the coat closet and looked inside. She didn't find anything there that belonged to her. She made a quick trip to the kitchen, not expecting to find anything but wanting to be thorough.
"I think that's everything," she announced quietly; her eyes stinging with tears.
"He could always change his mind," Colleen said gently. "You know how it is; sometimes people split up and a few weeks or months later they get back together because they just can't stay apart."
She forced a smile to her lips. "I know…it could happen."
"Of course it can; you'd give him another chance, wouldn't you?"
Johanna nodded; the tears in her eyes building. "Of course I would; nothing's changed on my part. I still love him."
"I know you do," Colleen said as she wrapped her sister in a hug. "And he still loves you…he's just got cold feet over a stupid joke. He'll probably come around in time. Just wait a little while…and then if he doesn't, we'll find you someone else. Paul has a lot of friends…and I have friends who have older brothers."
"I don't even want to think about that," Johanna replied as a tear rebelled and slipped out from beneath her lashes as she clung to her sister.
"You're right, I'm sorry," Colleen said. "It's entirely too soon to be thinking that way; he's going to come back anyway, I'm sure of it."
"I hope so," she murmured as she pulled away and swiped at her damp cheek. She took her purse back from her sister and headed for the door. "We better get out of here, I want to drop this off at my place and we can grab a sandwich there and then I have to get back to court."
"Don't worry, Sissy," Colleen said softly as they left the apartment. "It'll work out one way or another."
"I hope so," she sighed. "I miss him…it's only been a week and I miss him so much; and sitting beside him in court is just agony."
"How much longer do you have to do that?"
"Hopefully it'll wrap up tomorrow," she said as they made their way to the elevator. "If it doesn't…well I don't want to think about that either."
Colleen pushed the button for the elevator. "Then we won't think about it."
Johanna exhaled a heavy breath; but she would think about it…she just couldn't seem to stop thinking about him no matter how hard she tried.
"Jo was being weird today," Jim commented after he took a swallow of beer and waited for Jeff to make his shot of their pool game rematch that they had decided to have after work.
His friend looked up from his cue stick as he remained bent over the table. "No; really?" he said sarcastically. "I can't imagine why she might not be behaving as she normally does around you…I mean it's not like you two broke up or anything…oh wait, you did, my mistake."
Jim smirked at him. "You're a real comedian; I'm surprised I haven't seen you on Johnny Carson."
Jeff took his shot and then picked up his beer as he grinned. "Hey, you never know, I might pop up on there one night."
"I'll be sure to watch something else that night," Jim remarked as he moved to take his turn. "But I'm serious, Jo was being strange…she was…cold; for lack of better words."
"Are you really surprised about that?" Jeff asked as he waited for Jim to take his turn but he didn't seem to be in a hurry.
"Kind of; I mean we've been civil through this, I know she's angry with me…I know I hurt her…and then of course I didn't drive her home yesterday after she fell so I know she's mad about that too…I don't know, something was just off more than it should be."
"I'm sure she is miffed about that; at least she should be…but don't you think that her coldness toward you probably has something to do with the rumor that you were out screwing Callie last night?"
Jim had just taken aim and his cue drove into the table instead of the balls as he heard Jeff's statement. "What!" he exclaimed.
"You heard me; the big news all around the office today is that last night, Steve and his flavor of the week spotted you looking real cozy with Callie…and Callie of course confirmed the rumor and so did Melanie. From what I hear, you two had a real good night together. Callie's so proud of getting her hooks in you…she made sure to tell Jo personally."
Jim blanched a little. "I didn't sleep with Callie; we drank together, that was all."
"That's not what she's saying…that's not what she told Jo."
"How do you know she told Jo anything? Did she tell you?"
"No; she told Maggie; Maggie told me at lunch."
"I'm sure Jo doesn't believe her," he stated; hoping to convince himself of that just as much as Jeff.
"You don't think so?" his friend asked.
He shook his head. "Jo knows me better than that; she knows I wouldn't do that."
Jeff chuckled. "Jim; by now you should know the ways of women better; you know that when it comes to other women, they think 3 things, they think that we either want to sleep with the other woman; are sleeping with her, or have slept with her in the past. You can't really believe that Jo isn't doubting your innocence in this scenario."
"I'm not saying she wouldn't doubt it for a minute; but then I think she'd remember that she knows me…she knows I love her; I'd never cheat on her."
"Yeah; she knows you wouldn't cheat on her while in a relationship with her…but you're not in a relationship with her right now. You're a free man, you can do what you please and she knows that, so of course she's going to think that you did something with Callie."
"Well she shouldn't!" Jim exclaimed. "She knows I love her."
"She's probably having a hard time feeling the love since you broke up," Jeff quipped. "I mean let's face it, Jim; the words 'this isn't working out' don't exactly scream 'I love you' to a person."
Jim blew out a breath and lined up his shot again; this time managing to hit the balls. "I didn't do anything with Callie."
"Were you tempted?"
He was silent for a long minute before speaking. "She made an offer; I turned her down."
"But were you tempted to accept?"
"Maybe for a second," he admitted; "But not because I wanted her…I don't."
"But because you were lonely?" Jeff asked.
Jim nodded. "I always stayed with Jo on Wednesday nights…I miss her."
"It's a good thing you didn't allow that to sway you into using Callie as a substitute."
"I couldn't do that…I couldn't cheat on Jo."
"It wouldn't have been cheating."
"It would've been to me."
"Didn't you consider the idea that Callie might go tell Jo that something more went on between you? You know she is."
"No; I didn't think anything of it; all we did was drink and talk; she seemed harmless away from everyone else; it wasn't a bad evening but I didn't intend for it to go anywhere and it didn't…I didn't think she'd go running to tell Jo."
"Well she did; and if Jo was acting colder toward you, there's the reason why. She figures you dumped her and moved on to greener pastures…because that's what Callie told her, that you had moved on."
He shook his head. "I haven't and I'm not going to. I love Johanna."
"Then why aren't you doing something about the current situation?" Jeff asked. "Why are you letting this breakup linger?"
"I don't know," he muttered.
"Well you better figure it out before Jo gives up on you," his friend stated. "She might not wait on you forever."
"I know…and the thought doesn't make me feel good."
"Then what are you waiting on? What are you afraid of?"
"I'm afraid I can't give her everything she wants," Jim remarked. "I want her to be happy; I want her to have everything her heart desires."
Jeff eyed him. "All she needs to be happy and to have what she desires is you…and I really believe that as long as you're with her, she's happy regardless of the status of your relationship. She doesn't have to have a ring on her finger to belong to you and she knows it and you know it…you let a bunch of stupid crap get into your head and tell you that she wanted something more; but she didn't make any serious demands. She just wants to be with you."
Jim said nothing but in his heart he felt certain that his friend could be speaking the truth; maybe he did allow outside forces to sway his thinking…maybe he had cracked under the pressure he'd allowed those things to place upon him…and Johanna suffered for it. Of course he was suffering too…and yet there was still that tiny seed of doubt that held him back from running to his car for a drive to her place. He raked a hand through his hair; he had to get it together and figure out what hell he wanted…the question was, how long would it take him to get his head figured out? It needed to be sooner rather than later…what was he waiting on? Some sign to tell him that going back to her was the right thing to do? He sighed; he hated the ideas his brain came up with sometimes.
Johanna was wandering through the bookstore that evening, picking up a book her grandmother wanted along with looking for some new selections for herself. She needed distraction. She needed to get Jim off her mind so that she could sleep. Her pile of books was growing and yet she made no move to leave. She didn't want to go home; there would just be loneliness and regret waiting for her there. She turned the corner and almost ran into the man who was turning down the aisle at the same time. An apology spilled from her lips, her graze darting to the man's face, causing her to pause. Robert Beckett was looking back at her, a small smile on his lips.
"Johanna," he said warmly. "It's nice to see you."
She gave a nod as she internally cursed the universe. She was trying to distract her thoughts from Jim and here his father was. "It's nice to see you too, Robert."
"Looks like you're planning on doing a lot of reading," he replied as he nodded to the small stack of books she was carrying.
She managed a smile. "Yeah, I guess so. Not all of them are for me though. I'm picking one up for my grandmother and I grabbed two for my mother that she's been wanting; she and Dad are leaving on vacation this weekend; it's part of her birthday gift from him."
"Are they going somewhere nice?" Robert asked.
"They're going on a cruise…which is slightly surprising since Dad prefers boats he can fish from."
The older man chuckled. "I don't blame him; although I've often thought that I might like to try a cruise sometime. The trouble would be convincing Lizzie though. I don't think she'd like it."
"Mom's always wanted to go on one; it was always Dad resisting it. I'm not sure what changed his mind but they're going for three weeks. It's the longest vacation they've had in a long time."
"Sounds like it was overdue then…but I'm guessing you'll probably miss your mother," Robert replied.
Johanna gave a nod. "Yeah; I'll miss her."
Robert gave no indication of moving on and he didn't appear to be in any hurry to end their conversation so she changed the subject. "What brings you in here today?" she asked.
"Lizzie wanted this new gardening book about roses and she forgot to get it when she was in town the other day. I thought I'd pick up some new westerns for me," he answered.
She smiled. "Dad's been reading more westerns than usual lately; he says life isn't the same now that there isn't a new Gunsmoke every week."
Robert laughed. "I agree wholeheartedly."
"Elizabeth didn't come with you?"
"No; you're safe, honey."
"That's good to know."
Robert gave her a sympathetic smile as he broached the elephant in the room. "I was sorry to hear about you and Jimmy."
Johanna gave a nod and tried to smile but the emotion surged forward, causing her chin to quiver as she struggled to hold back the sob that wanted to burst forth. She sucked in a breath, trying to hold it all at bay as her eyes filled with tears.
The older man rubbed a hand against her arm. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she finally managed to say. "It was my fault.
"I don't really think it's a situation that fault can be ascribed to," he replied. "I think it's just a misunderstanding."
She managed a wobbly smile as a tear rebelled and slid down her cheek. She hurriedly wiped it away before any other passing customers could notice. "A misunderstanding that I didn't prevent."
A couple stepped around them and moved into the aisle they were sharing. Robert looked around for another quiet area but the store was busy. "How about we pay for our books and then we go next door for a cup of coffee?" he suggested.
Johanna wasn't sure it was such a good idea but she didn't want to offend him by saying no thanks. He hadn't done anything to her; there was no reason to shun his kindness. "Sure," she murmured, allowing him to lead her to cash register at the front of the store.
After they paid for their books, Johanna followed Robert to the coffee shop next door. They got their coffee and settled down in a booth at the back of the room. Robert waited until she had taken a fortifying sip of her coffee before gently forging ahead. "You know, it takes two people to make a relationship work…and it takes two to create a misunderstanding; not just one…so really you don't need to shoulder the blame."
"But I do," she remarked. "Did he tell you what happened?"
He nodded. "Something about a comment made in jest that he took a little too seriously."
"Yeah; a stupid joke our friends made that I played along with."
"A joke about marriage."
"Yes…and now he believes I've been out shopping for rings and that I'm pushing him into marriage and I swear I'm not. I'd never ask him to marry me, I'd never ask anyone. I was only kidding. I told him I didn't mean it. I told him I was sorry…but he doesn't believe me and now it's over," Johanna stated. "It's my fault…and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it because he won't believe me when I say I haven't been making wedding plans."
"How were you supposed to know that he'd react badly to a joke that's probably been made before based on how things were between the two of you?"
She shrugged. "I guess there's no way I could know but I didn't have to say that Tiffany's had nice rings in the window. That's probably what convinced him that I was serious and I wasn't! Tiffany's doesn't even have any rings in the window right now; it's a display of necklaces."
Robert's brow rose at her knowledge of Tiffany's window display. She rolled her eyes in response, feeling like yet another person was now accusing her of hearing wedding bells. "I like to window shop, sue me," she said tartly. "I've never even been inside the store. I just like to look in the window…I've always wanted a piece of jewelry from there…and no, I wasn't hoping your son would be the one to buy it. I'll buy mine own jewelry if I want it."
"No need to get defensive, dear; I wasn't judging."
"Tell that to your face," she muttered as she picked up her cup of coffee.
He gave a quiet laugh. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply I doubted your word."
"It's alright, most people seem to," she remarked. "Of course I guess I'm just sensitive this week. It seems like such a stupid little thing and yet it ruined things. It's my fault, I should've just laughed at the joke and said nothing or pretended like I didn't hear it…anything but played along. My brother nicknamed me Mouthy when we were kids; he said I talked too much and Dad always said I never knew when to shut up; it's true, I don't know when to keep my mouth shut."
"I wouldn't say that."
"That's because you don't know me as well as they do. I should've seen all of this coming."
"Why?" Robert asked.
"Because I suck at relationships," she said sadly, emotion welling up within her again. "The majority of my relationships usually end around this three month mark…it's like I can't make it past that without screwing up somehow. Or maybe they just can't take anymore of me after that point, I don't know, but whatever it is, three months is usually where I get the boot…and since I'm the one always being dumped, then it has to be me that's the problem. I mean I can't even get along with my father and if I can't get along with him, then can I really expect to last long with any man?"
He was quiet as he digested what she had said and she felt her cheeks burning with shame that she had said so much. What was wrong with her? She really didn't know when to stop; someone should tape her mouth shut. "I should go," Johann murmured as she picked her bag up and began to slide toward the edge of the booth.
Robert grabbed her wrist. "No, don't go; there's no need for that. I think we should talk some more."
"There doesn't seem to be anything left to say," she remarked. "I screwed up and chased him away and now it's over and I don't know how to fix it…I'm not even sure I can."
"Listen to me, honey," he said gently. "I understand that you're hurting and you're down, I don't blame you; but this little bee you have in your bonnet about how not getting along with your father dooms you with other men…that just isn't true. I don't know why the two of you clash; I don't purport to know your history, but not every man is him and you can't measure them by him and his attitudes. I have a feeling that Jimmy is nothing like your father."
"Of course he isn't; I wasn't saying that he was, not even close to it. I meant that they all must eventually come to the same conclusions that he does."
He shook his head. "You shouldn't measure every man by your father."
She sighed; she didn't like this topic, and it was once again her fault that it had turned to this. "I won't."
The older man smiled; she was a little prickly when she was upset. Lucky for her, he was well versed in handling prickly women; his wife had written the book on that after all. "Johanna, did your father ever sit you down and tell you anything about men? Did he teach you anything that would be useful to you when dealing with them?"
Her gaze flicked to his. "He told me to stay out of the backseat."
Robert chuckled. "That is good advice for a young lady but that's not what I meant. I meant did he ever talk to you about how men think and feel sometimes?"
Johanna laughed. "You're kidding right?"
He smiled. "No, dear; I'm serious."
"I'm sorry, Robert but you've got the wrong father and daughter duo when it comes to heart to heart talks…in fact I'm not sure I even know a woman whose had a heart to heart with her father about the ways of men. That's left to the mother to deal with. Mom handles all of the heart to hearts."
"Mothers don't know everything about men," he remarked. "I think fathers should offer daughters advice about dealing with the opposite sex."
She laughed again at the thought of Frank sitting her and Colleen down for a serious discussion about the ways of men. It was so unfathomable that her laughter turned into uncontrollable giggles and she had to hide her face behind her hands as Robert looked at her in amusement.
"I'm sorry, Robert; I just can't wrap my head around the image of my dad sitting me and my sister down for a conversation like that…our conversations were mainly of the do your homework, get those dishes washed, be back by nine, variety."
"That's a shame; he should've tried to give you some insight."
"Does 'find a decent man to take care of you because you're not living here forever' count?"
"No," he replied. "That doesn't count at all."
Johanna shrugged. "Sorry; we're a bit lacking in the father-daughter department."
"That's alright; I understand…I guess I'll have to give you that talk."
She almost choked on her coffee. "What talk?"
"About men," he stated.
"I'm not good at that topic…just ask your son."
Robert laughed. "This is just a little bump in the road, Johanna."
Her amusement faded. "The road broke…I told him he could go if he wanted to and he did. He didn't really want this, Robert. I pushed to be something more and he went along because I wouldn't back down. He thinks I have a history of pushing things now and he isn't going to trust me. There's the thought in my mind that maybe this was his way of cashing in his get out of jail free card. I don't doubt that he loved me…he wouldn't have lied about something like that; but maybe love isn't always enough to make something worth it."
He patted her hand. "Johanna, don't use past tense…Jimmy still loves you; he's just got cold feet right now. That's why I asked you if your father ever talked to you about the ways of men. You see, sometimes we get afraid…when we're lucky, we find a wonderful woman that we fall in love with and she becomes everything to us and we don't think much about it…and then one day, something makes us realize just how serious things have become…we start looking past the bubble and the good times…we start looking at the big picture and sometimes it scares the hell out of us."
"Scares women too," she murmured.
Robert nodded. "I know; but I guess you girls handle that a little better than we do. When we see things getting so serious, sometimes we get this instinct to pull back from it. We don't want to be afraid of it, but we are. We have this thing about freedom…God made us free roaming creatures in some respects…"
Johanna's brow rose. "What did God make women in that case?"
He smiled. "God made women to be nesters; you all like to be settled. Men want to be settled too of course, but sometimes it just takes us a little while to come around to that way of thinking. We get cold feet when we look into the future and see where something important to us is headed. I don't want you to give up hope where Jimmy's concerned. He realized how serious things are, he tends to run when that happens but he always comes back. He's just got cold feet right now."
"Should I buy him some socks?" she asked.
He laughed. "I wouldn't do that; seeing how sensitive he is about jokes these days, but you just hang in there, honey. He'll come around. I don't think he's going to give you up that easily."
Tears filled her eyes. "I'm not so sure about that; from what I hear, he's moving on…he went out with someone else."
Robert gave her hand a reassuring pat. "It might not be what you think."
"Doesn't matter what I think; he's a free man at the moment. He can do what he wants; I have no right to say anything. We're not in a relationship at the moment."
"I don't think either one of you believes that. You know how rumors are; things get exaggerated. I know my boy, he wouldn't move on that quickly…and I think you know that; you're just taking all of the blame and telling yourself that you have to be okay with it if he is."
"Well I kind of do have to be okay with it," she retorted. "What else can I do? I feel like I can't even fight harder for him because I'm just going to end up making it worse and I don't want to do that. I just have to accept that it's over until he says otherwise…if he ever does."
Robert gave her a sympathetic smile. "Just give him a little time; he'll be back, I'm sure of it. He just has to sort some things out. Don't give up on him."
"He might think I already have."
"Why?"
Johanna shifted in her seat. "I heard about him being out with someone else so I went and got my stuff out of his apartment…I didn't want anyone thinking he was a cheater."
"I can understand why you did that; you were doing it for him, thinking it was what he'd want since you're under the impression that he's moving on…it might not be a bad thing. It might be a little nudge to help him get his thoughts sorted out. Just don't be too quick to give up completely, okay?"
"I don't want to give up on him," she said softly, her throat tight as the tears pushed to the surface again. "I do love him…and I wasn't trying to push for anything more. I swear I wasn't. If I could redo that night I would, if I could do something to convince him, I'd do it in a minute."
"I know," Robert told her. "Just hang in there, okay? Things sometimes work out at unexpected moments…you two have already learned that lesson, haven't you?"
She nodded as she sniffed. "Yeah, I guess so."
He smiled and squeezed her hand. "There's no reason why it won't work out just right a second time. As long as you have hope and believe in him, anything's possible."
"I'm trying to believe," Johanna murmured. "I'm trying to reconcile the fact that it could be over and yet holding on to little glimmers of hope at the same time. It all feels so mixed up, you know?"
Robert gave a nod. "I know; love is good for tying us in knots. It'll be alright. I know my boy; I know he won't be able to ignore his heart for too long."
Johanna picked up her cup of coffee and took a long sip; she hoped Robert was right…but she wasn't all that certain that he was. Her hopes were at an all time low.
Jim was tired when he finally walked through his door and headed for this bedroom to change clothes. Sitting next to Johanna all day and not being able to interact with her the way he was used to was killing him. He knew he only had himself to blame; he was the one who had ended it…and he had a feeling he'd been hasty in doing so as Jeff's words rang through his head. He shook the thought away as he moved to the closet to grab a shirt. Empty hangers to his left caught his attention from the corner of his eye and he turned to them, his brow furrowing in puzzlement. Something was missing. He glanced down at the floor as he thought about it and saw a small gap next to the few pairs of shoes he had. Johanna's heels were gone…so were her pink flip flops. His eyes darted back to the empty hangers; her dresses were gone; her work clothes too. Jim felt his heart thud against his ribs and he turned away and went to the dresser. He pulled open the drawer that was hers; the tidy stacks of nightgowns and lingerie were missing; her earrings that he had found and laid on the dresser were gone. The next drawer revealed that her jeans and t-shirts were gone as well.
He backed away and hurried into the bathroom, jerking open the bottom drawer. Empty…her belongings were gone. Jim slammed the drawer shut and raked his hand through his hair. When had she done this? He was sure everything had been there that morning…but they had a long recess for lunch; he supposed she could've done it then. He searched through the apartment, looking for a note but he found nothing. She hadn't left a word; not explaining when she had been there or why she had been in such a hurry to remove her stuff. No words of love…although he knew she still loved him. No note begging him to reconsider, no pleas to call or come over. Nothing. Just emptiness…empty hangers and empty drawers…holes poked into his heart. She had taken everything, sponged his apartment clean of her presence. The fact hit him like a ton of bricks. As long as her belongings were there, it wasn't really over between the…and now…now it seemed like it was really over.
Jim's stomach clenched and realization rolled through him as he returned to the bedroom and flopped down on the bed; this wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want it to be really over between them. He had jumped the gun…again. He could've just asked for a few days to figure things out; he could've just sat her down and had a serious talk about whether she was joking or not…and that regardless, he wasn't sure he was ready to make a bigger leap. She would've listened, he knew she would've. He stared at his open closet. It was funny how quickly he had gotten accustomed to seeing her belongings mixed in with his; and now they were gone. Johanna had quietly moved out of his apartment…and it felt like out of his life. Did it really mean that she had no hope of him coming back? Was she content with it being over? Was she accepting and moving on? The thought made his stomach tighten even more. Home felt so empty without her; that was why he had been staying away so much; and now that she had taken her things, it felt even emptier. What had he done? How did he fix this?
Jim sucked in a breath and got up and grabbed a shirt from the closet so that he could close the door. What was he going to do now? This seemed so permanent all of a sudden and he couldn't bear that. He had to figure out a way to fix this; he didn't want it to be over. He wanted her back; he wanted her to come home. He wanted her to bring her belongings back and fill the closet and drawers. Everything seemed far too empty without her. He just needed her…needed her to fill up those now empty spaces, his cold bed, the other half of his heart. How could he be so damn foolish?
The next morning, Jim and Johanna stepped onto the elevator together at the courthouse. She remained silent as he pushed the button for the floor they need and the car began its slow rise. She could sense that Jim's gaze kept darting toward her as if he was waiting for something or had something he wanted to say. She wondered briefly if maybe he had discovered that her belongings were missing from his apartment…maybe he wanted to discuss it.
"Is something wrong?" she asked.
"No," Jim answered with a shake of his head; although he felt like everything was wrong and he was searching for a way to fix it.
Silence few and his gaze darted toward her again, making her feel self conscious as she smoothed a hand over the skirt of her dress. "Is there something wrong with my dress?" she asked.
Yes, he thought to himself; it wasn't hanging in the closet in his apartment…because he was pretty sure that slate blue dress she was wearing was one of the ones that had been in his closet. "No, there's nothing wrong with your dress," he answered instead; wishing he could ask her why she had taken her things so quickly and quietly but he figured she saw no reason to wait considering the rumors.
Johanna's fingers moved to her hair and he reached out and brushed them aside, smoothing a stray strand that threatened to fall across her eyes. "Stop fussing, you're beautiful."
"Not enough," she murmured, thinking about his recent evening with Callie. Callie with her honey colored hair and her icy blue eyes and pleasing features. Her replacement was a little taller than her, she was thin but curvier, her bra size bigger…and her outfits skirted the line of indecency for work apparel. It wasn't that she thought of herself as ugly; she didn't, she felt like she was reasonably passable…but her hair was dark and her eyes were green; her body type more that of a dancer than a siren; her work apparel was attractive and somewhat expensive, but even her shorter skirts were appropriate and professional.
"You're the most beautiful girl I know," Jim remarked, breaking into her thoughts.
She scoffed slightly. "I don't know about that."
"I do."
If that was the case, it wasn't enough to keep him around, Johanna mused. She had decided, during yet another mostly sleepless night, that she was just going to have to make her peace with things despite her talk with Robert. She wasn't going to cry anymore. She wasn't going to waste her time wishing on stars; he was moving on. She'd have to do the same thing after some time had passed and the wound had healed. She wasn't sure she could keep working with him though. She would try…she'd give it until the end of the year; if things were still uncomfortable, then she would send out her resume and move on; start over somewhere else and with a new rule outlawing office romances. They were to be avoided at all costs.
Johanna sighed as the elevator stopped; maybe she needed to get away for the weekend. Maybe in the morning she would get up and catch the train, head out to Long Island and spend the weekend with Aunt Bridget. A visit with her aunt always did her soul some good; she could stay until early Sunday evening. She felt Jim's gaze on her once again.
"Is something on your mind?" she asked him.
"Seems like there always is," he remarked as the doors slid open and they stepped into the hallway.
She figured the case was weighing on his mind and she decided to offer a word of encouragement. "Don't worry about the case; you did a good job. You plugged all the holes and handled everything. It'll turn out fine."
"I'm not worried about the case," Jim said as he expelled a weighted breath.
Her gaze darted away for a moment. "You don't need to worry about me either," she murmured, doing her best to put on a brave front. "I'm fine. Like you said, we tried…I'm just sorry I failed," she replied, her gaze moving back to his; her teeth worrying her bottom lip as she paused for a moment. "My schedule is light next week; I might call in a few of my sick days toward the end of the week so we can get away from each other for a little while…it should help make it easier."
"No," he said hurriedly. "You don't need to do that."
Johanna looked at him oddly. "Why not?"
He shrugged as he struggled to find the right words. "It just isn't necessary."
"It might be for me," she said softly; thinking that she could use the time to clear her head and get back on track.
Guilt and remorse washed over him; his life in shambles because he allowed stupid things to enter his head. Things he knew weren't true…feelings that were born out of his own fears and his mother's meddling…even his father's to some extent. His gaze lowered; catching sight of the bandage on her knee. "How's your knee?" he asked quietly.
"A rainbow of colors," Johanna answered, recalling the way the bruise had looked when she re-bandaged the wound that morning. She had a feeling it matched the bruise on her heart. "It doesn't hurt as much as it did the other day…the gash is starting to heal."
"That's good," Jim replied; hating how formal and reserved she sounded. He missed her openness, the sparkle that should be in her eyes. He missed everything about her and he longed to reach out and pull her into his arms. "How's your ankle?" he managed to ask, taking note that for the last few days she had worn lower heels that had a strap around the ankle.
"It's better today; I think its fine now but I'm trying to be a little careful with it just the same."
He nodded; shifting closer to her as if a magnet was pulling him toward her body. His fingers skimmed against hers, aching to curl around them and hold them. "Jo," he murmured, his tone carrying a note of the anguish that laid inside him.
One of her fingers hooked his as she looked at him with questioning eyes. "Yeah?" she whispered as she moved a step closer without realizing it.
His gaze dipped to her lips and she felt a small spark of hope reignite along with the desperate need for his kiss…and his touch. His fingers managed to curl around hers, their briefcases in their opposite hands shielding the gesture from any onlookers that might happen by as they lingered in the nearly empty area of the elevators.
"Jo, I…" he began to say, but a voice startled them and broke the spell.
"What are you two doing standing around? Mr. Collins demanded to know. "This hearing starts in fifteen minutes and you two are standing there making eyes at each other, which is just one more reason why women shouldn't be allowed in this field. They bat their eyes and cause a distraction which causes people to lose money!"
Johanna's eyes closed, their moment lost and anger at Collins simmering in her blood. Jim's fingers tightened around hers for a moment and then released them before turning toward their client. "I've had just about enough of you," he said tartly. "She hasn't done anything to deserve the constant way you've treated her through every step of this case. She does her job just as well as any man, better than some that I could name, so back the hell off. Your case is over today, and if you ever need a lawyer again, don't call me because I wouldn't touch any case of yours with a ten foot pole."
Collins puffed his chest out, his face indignant. "Like I need you," he sniffed. "I'm sure there are plenty of better lawyers than either one of you in this city and I'll be informing Mr. Roche that I may just choose another firm to handle my business due to the disrespect I've received."
"The only person who's given disrespect is you," Jim retorted; "And I'm sick of it. I'll tell Roche myself."
Collins smirked. "Somehow I doubt that; I'm not sure he'd be happy to know that his associates are so obviously sleeping together."
Johanna opened her mouth to defend herself but Jim beat her to the punch. "What either one of us does after hours is none of your business or his. Unless you can prove that a personal relationship has caused you damage in some way, you better think before running your mouth or I'll be the one suing you next; and for the record; Roche doesn't have any rules banning colleagues from having relationships."
"So you admit it then?" their client said tartly.
Johanna eyed him. "Yes; we admit that you're a complete and total jackass and we can't wait to be rid of you."
Collins pursed his lips in disdain. "The feeling is mutual, Miss. McKenzie. I hope I never have to see your prissy face again."
"Keep it up," Jim warned; "And you won't like what happens."
Their client smirked. "Boy, you really got it bad for her, don't you? I hope she makes it worth your while," he said as he looked her up and down. "Although in all fairness, she does look like the type who would…maybe that's why her knee is bandaged."
It didn't take much reading between the lines to know what he was implying and Johanna wished she was close enough to slap him for it, but as Jim grabbed the man by the lapels of his jacket, she had a feeling she wouldn't have stood a chance with the lightning speed Jim displayed.
"You listen to me, you bastard," he stated, his tone low and filled with anger. "The next derogatory remark you make about her, I'm going to knock your teeth down your throat and I'll willingly take the assault charge. I won't allow you to treat her that way. Now you get in that damn courtroom and keep your mouth shut or else."
"You're threatening me?" Collins asked.
"No; I'm making you a promise. Don't even so much as look at her for the rest of the day."
"Gladly," he spat as he pivoted and walked away.
Jim kept his eyes glued on Collins's retreating form, tension radiating from his body. Johanna brushed her fingers against his back, hoping to soothe him despite their relationship limbo. He relaxed slightly at her touch and turned to meet her eye. "Thank you," she murmured.
"I should've done it sooner," he remarked.
She gave him a small hesitant smile. "I guess I won't need those sick days."
"Why not?"
"Because we're probably getting fired by the end of the day," she replied, a more genuine smile tipping her lips upwards.
He raked a hand through his hair. "I don't think it'll come to that; but if it does, I'll take the blame and the responsibility so he'll keep you."
She shook her head. "I'd rather go down with the ship."
He smiled a little but knew their previous moment had been lost…and maybe it was for the best. This wasn't the place to try and talk to her about something as important as their relationship. "I guess we better get in there," he stated reluctantly.
"Yeah, I guess we should," Johanna replied, feeling him retreating once again…and yet she felt like something had shifted but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.
When court finished for the day and Mr. Collins had gone on his way, happy with his victory; Jim and Johanna quietly packed up their files. Johanna suppressed a sigh as she shoved things into her briefcase. She was weary; the week spent in turmoil weighing on her and she was glad that it was over now; that she and Jim could have some distance instead of being forced into such close quarters. Today had been different from the rest though, he hadn't been as standoffish; he hadn't been as cold. He kept stealing glances all during the hearing and she thought she had caught sight of remorse once or twice but that might've just been her wishful thinking…and she was still holding out a small flicker of hope, despite what she told herself…despite the fact that he had gone out with Callie.
Johanna glanced toward him, she had thought that he would've mentioned her belongings missing from his apartment, but so far he had been silent on the subject. Maybe he hadn't noticed…worse, maybe he didn't care.
They rose from the table at the same time, an air of awkwardness spreading across the atmosphere as their eyes met. Neither one of them looked happy considering their victory and the large pay checks that they'd each be getting in regard to it.
"I guess we pulled it off," Jim stated quietly even though the courtroom was empty.
Johanna nodded. "I told you so…I told you that you took care of everything."
"We took care of it," he remarked; holding her gaze. "We're a good team."
She shook her head. "I didn't really do anything. It was more your case than mine."
His features turned stern. "What are you talking about? You laid most of the groundwork; you took care of the bulk of the details before we ever got to court with this case because I was buried under that other trial. You did your fair share and probably then some."
Johanna gave a slight shrug. 'It doesn't matter who did what; it's over now."
Jim hated the way those words sounded on her lips. He was afraid they applied to more than just the case. "We're still a good team," he murmured.
"I guess we were," she said softly; a weighted sigh crossing her lips. Their eyes met and held; silence lingering. "Jo," he said and then trailed off, frustration flicking across his at his inability to find the magic words that would make everything alright.
Johanna kept her eyes focused on him, still feeling that shift that she couldn't name. "What?"
He opened his mouth to speak several times but words failed him.
"What is it?" she asked quietly.
"Jo…," he said once again, struggling as the fear of having really lost her settled over him. "Do you want to ride back to the office with me?" he asked, hating himself for uttering those words instead of words of love or pleas to take him back.
Her heart faltered; for a moment she had hope that he was going to say something…do something…but the offer of a ride back to the office wasn't it. He hadn't offered her a ride all week…not even when she had been limping and bleeding. She was torn about whether to accept or not. She took a few moments to ponder the decision and ultimately nodded; maybe the short car ride would open up the conversation she kept hoping he'd launch. "Yeah; that would be nice if you don't mind."
"I don't mind," Jim told her as they moved into the aisle, his hand falling to the small of her back. "Let's get out of here."
The car ride back to the office had been a bust, Johanna thought to herself as she and Jim stepped off the elevator on their floor. She had hoped they would talk…but he hadn't opened a door for it and she didn't want to go back on her word by bringing it up. The quietness between them had made her wish that she had chosen to walk back as she had every day that week when he didn't bother to offer her a ride.
When they neared Jim's office, he said a quiet goodbye and they went their separate ways, her heart sinking further with every step she took toward her own office. Johanna couldn't help but wonder if he had plans with Callie that night…and for the weekend. The thought of it made her stomach clench and tears burn her eyes but she held them at bay. It wasn't any of her business; he was a free man.
"How did it go?" Sharon asked as she walked into her office.
"We won," she stated, moving in the direction of the door that lead to her inner office.
"Try not to look so happy about it," her secretary quipped.
Johanna smirked a little. "This is as good as it gets right now. I'm just glad it's over and now I'm packing up my stuff and going home; I don't care if we have an hour left or not; I'm done."
"Sounds good to me," Sharon replied; "I have some things to do anyway."
She gave a nod as she remained stalled at her door. "Then let's get the hell out of here before someone rings the phone or thinks up some stupid reason to keep us here. It's been a long week and I've had enough."
An hour later, Jim made the trek to Johanna's office to ask her if she wanted a ride home but when he arrived he found the door closed and locked and no sign of lights on inside. He frowned as he stared at her name on the door; it figured she wouldn't be there.
"They left early, Jim," Phil remarked as he walked by.
"We just got back from court an hour ago," he replied, a small amount of frustration in his voice.
"I know; as soon as Johanna got back she told Sharon that they were calling it a day. Sharon borrowed my car and they were going to stop and go over the final menu for the rehearsal dinner."
"I thought they weren't speaking to each other," Jim stated. "At least that's what I heard."
Phil shook his head. "They didn't really talk for a few days but then they got over it I guess, they just aren't talking about you."
"Is that good or bad?"
Phil shrugged. "Who can tell when it comes women? I know Sharon told her that she should just give up on you and find another man but Johanna didn't like that suggestion."
Anger flicked across her face. "Why the hell would Sharon say something like that?"
"I don't know; I guess because you two can't seem to get it together."
"This wasn't Johanna's fault; she has it together," he retorted. "This one was on me; and even if we do have some hard times, that doesn't mean we should just give up on each other."
"Hey; don't get mad at me, you're the one who broke up with her."
Jim was well aware of that and he had a great deal of self loathing over it. He didn't need their so called friends butting into their business and telling Johanna that they were better off being over. They weren't; nine days without her had drove home that point…nine days without her was nine too many. He loved her, and he wanted to be with her…he just had to find a way to make it all better again. Without another word to Phil, he turned and headed back up the hallway; he had to go home, he had a lot of thinking to do.
Jim stood outside Johanna's door late that night, hesitating and debating about what it was that he should say or do. He glanced at the slim shaft of light shining beneath the door and knew that she was still up despite the late hour and he could hear the soft sound of a radio playing from somewhere within the apartment.
Longing for her welled up inside of him. This night should've gone so differently, he thought to himself. They should've been celebrating their victory like they had planned as they prepared their case. A nice dinner, a bottle of champagne and a long night spent wrapped up in one another. Instead they were on opposite sides of a door, barely a word spoken between them that hadn't dealt with work and forced understanding.
What was he supposed to say to her? I'm sorry seemed so inadequate. Begging wasn't appealing...but if it came down to it, he supposed that he would. His life felt too empty without Johanna filling it. His heart twisted into a painful knot every time he looked at her and knew that she was no longer his. He had been such a fool and he just wanted to make it all go away. He just wanted them to go back to the way things had been. He still hesitated to knock, however, as worries pressed forward in his mind. What if he was too late? What if she wouldn't forgive him? The thought of her moving on was like a sucker punch to his gut. He'd never be able to stand seeing her with someone else. She was his...or at least she was supposed to be.
Jim scrubbed a hand over his face, he just had to try and if he had to beg her for a second chance, then so be it. He would willingly swallow his pride for her if she'd take him back.
Johanna read the words on the documents in front of her for what seemed to be the hundredth time but she still didn't know what they said. She sighed; her mind was too jumbled to concentrate on work. The half empty page of the yellow legal pad was proof of her distraction. It should've been filled with notes and questions by now. It just wasn't going to happen tonight. The ache in her heart was just too strong, her bed far too cold and empty to make sleep look appealing...not that she had been sleeping much anyway.
She couldn't even take pride in their win that day. It had seemed like a hollow victory among the ruins of their love affair. The thought brought a tear to her eye but she blinked it back. She had told herself that she was through crying over Jim and she meant to stick to that. It was going to be a long night, Johanna thought to herself, and if she wanted to make it through it without tears she better turn off that damn radio which seemed to be mocking her with break up songs.
She was about to gather up her papers when a knock sounded at her door. Her heart thudded. It had to be Jim. Who else would knock on her door at ten minutes after midnight? Besides, she knew him so well that she could recognize the sound of his knuckles wrapping against her door. For a brief moment she was tempted to let it go unanswered but her heart overruled her head and she rose from the spot on the floor where she had been sitting at the coffee table. She moved towards the door, unlocking it and opening it just far enough to be assured that it really was Jim on the other side.
Their gazes collided and held for several moments as Johanna stood in the doorway, the light of the living room behind her casting her aglow.
"Can I come in?" he asked quietly once he had found his voice.
She thought about it for a moment and then nodded. "Yeah," she answered softly as she stepped aside to allow him in.
Jim walked into her apartment taking in the sight of her papers strewn across the coffee table, along with her glass of wine. After she had locked the door, she came to stand in front of him and he drank in the sight of her in her peach colored silk nightgown and robe. Her eyes were studying him intently, waiting for him to say something but his tongue felt tied and the words wouldn't come.
Johanna saw his struggle but she remained quiet, not feeling very inclined to prompt him. He had come to her so surely he must know what he wanted to say without her help anyway.
He felt like a fool standing there in front of her without saying a word as he stared into those eyes he loved so much...but maybe it was what he saw in them that kept him twisted into knots. Her eyes were full of sadness and hurt and it killed him. He was responsible for that and he hated himself for it. She brushed a strand of hair back from her face and his fingers itched to be buried in that dark, silky mass.
Jim moved closer to her, his fingers raising and grazing along her cheek. Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment as she nuzzled into the feel of his hand and then flicked open once again. He read the same longing that he felt in her gaze and he grazed her bottom lip with his thumb before he slowly lowered his face and captured her lips in a soft, hesitant kiss. It had been too long since he had kissed her, he mused as he pulled back to gauge her reaction. It had been too long since he had touched her. Her hand moved against his chest, bringing her closer to him and he gave in to the urge to kiss her again, this time allowing it to linger as he deepened it.
It didn't take long for the air between them to intensify, need overwhelming them, reminding them of how starved they had been for one another. His hands slipped along her rib cage, lifting her off of her feet, her legs wrapping around him. He carried her to her bedroom, heated kisses passing between them as they went.
As her feet touched the floor, the thought entered Johanna's mind that she should stop this…but his eyes met hers, his head dipping to meet her lips once again…and she couldn't stop, she couldn't say no…she wanted him; she wanted this…she just wanted to be his and she didn't care if it was wrong or right…it just had to be. Her fingertips skimmed his face and then sank into his hair as his mouth parted from hers for the space of a breath. His gaze sought permission; as if he had read her mind and knew that she had thought about stopping. She brushed her lips against his, feather light in invitation as the intensity between them simmered. Jim's hands moved over her slowly, as if he was drinking in the feel of her as he carefully pushed her robe off of her shoulders, kissing the skin he exposed as the garment fluttered to the floor in a silken heap.
Johanna's breath caught as he brushed soft kisses along her collar bone and then moved to her neck. Her fingers found the buttons of his shirt and she flicked them open with practiced ease, her hands eager to slip inside the parted material, to touch his skin, to drag her fingers along the memorized planes of his body. She pressed kisses to his skin, following the path that her hands were making as they moved to his shoulders to slide his shirt down his arms. It fell to the floor; joining her robe and the shoes he had somehow kicked off without her notice.
His hand was gentle but firm as he caught hold of her face; drawing her lips back to his as her hands glided along his arms; the arms that were always so strong and loving around her…the ones she never wanted to be without. The atmosphere crackled; the fire growing between them as he backed her toward her bed; the backs of her legs bumping into it as his hands caught hold of the silky material of her nightgown. He dragged it upwards slowly…waiting for the moment when she'd ask him to stop…when she'd change her mind and send him away…but the moment didn't come. Her hands ceased exploring his back so that she could raise her arms for him, allowing him to pull her nightgown up and over her head. He tossed the silky fabric aside; taking in the sight of her as she stood before him. "Beautiful," he murmured; capturing her wrists as shyness overtook her and she moved to cover herself. "So beautiful."
Jim pulled her closer, releasing her wrists as his lips captured hers in a searing kiss. Her momentary bout of shyness faded; her arms slipping around him, needing to feel his skin pressed against hers. He was trying to move slowly; to write an apology in every caress of his hands along her body; in every kiss and breath they shared…but he needed her so badly; needed to erase the distance that had been between them, to touch the fire again and burn with it. His fingertips moved against the lacy material at her hip but he let it be for the moment as she undid his belt. Her hands moved against him, her lips following, encouraging him to move things along…hoping that this meant he had a change of heart about their relationship.
He noticed that the covers were turned down on her bed and he figured that she must've gotten her bed ready and then shunned the thought of sleep. He couldn't help but be glad as he laid her down; relief rushing through him as she continued to participate and respond instead of slamming on the brakes. He brushed back a lock of her hair as he looked into her eyes; their breathing ragged as he held back from taking those final steps. Her eyes asked silent questions and he answered them with the softest of kisses; his hand finding hers, their fingers entwining before they allowed things to reach the boiling point once more; the point of no return coming quickly as the remaining layers were shed and they fell back into the magic that they always created with one another.
Later on, Jim's fingers trailed up and down Johanna's bare back as she laid against his chest, silence still reigning between them. Finally she raised her head and looked at him. "What the hell are you doing here?" she asked.
He grinned. "I would've thought that you would've asked that before now."
She smirked. "I had a weak moment."
"You didn't seem weak to me," he quipped; referring to their passionate lovemaking.
"I was drinking," she replied.
"I saw your glass, it was still mostly full."
"Maybe I had one before that."
Jim shook his head. "I don't think so."
"Why are you here?" she repeated.
"Because I love you," he answered quietly but sincerely.
"Do you?"
"Yes, do you doubt it?"
She thought about it as she slipped away from him and settled against her own pillow. "No, I don't doubt it. I just doubt that you wanted to be in a relationship with me."
"How can you say that?" Jim asked as he turned his head to look at her.
She pulled the sheet tightly around her. "Because I think I pushed you into this. I wanted more and when you wouldn't give it to me; I made you jealous and forced your hand."
"First of all, I wasn't jealous," he remarked.
"Yes you were."
"It doesn't matter if I was or not. You didn't make me do anything. I wanted more, Johanna."
"I know what you wanted," she replied. "You wanted to sleep with me while everything else remained the same. You didn't want a commitment."
"You can't be serious!"
"Come on, Jim," she retorted. "If the phone hadn't rang that night in Atlantic City, we would've slept together and got up the next morning still being friends...but with benefits."
"Johanna, I know it seemed that way when we fought right before we got together but it's not like that. I love you. I've loved you for a long time and I want to be with you. I was just afraid."
"Of what?"
"Of this," he answered.
Confusion reigned in her eyes as she looked at him. "I don't understand."
"I was afraid of this," he replied. "I was afraid of screwing it up and losing you."
"Do you think I wasn't?" she asked. "Because I was...I still am but loving you makes it worth the risk."
He rolled onto his side to face her. "There's never been a question of wanting to be with you. I've always wanted you."
"Then why did this happen, Jim? Why did you end it because of a stupid joke that meant nothing? I thought we were stronger than that."
"I don't know," he said as he raked a hand through his hair.
"Don't give me that," she retorted.
"Fine, it just seemed like things were moving so fast compared to what they had been. One minute we're stealing a private moment and the next you're talking about rings."
"Jim, I wasn't serious. I didn't mean anything by it. We were just having a good time; our friends were teasing us like they always do. I just played along. I can assure you that I haven't been looking at rings."
"It didn't seem that way."
"No, I think you convinced yourself that I was being serious but I wasn't. This about more than one comment, Jim; it has to be…tell me why this happened…why was that comment the last straw that made you want to leave?"
"I didn't want to leave," he said gruffly.
"But you did leave," she murmured. "You told me it wasn't working out…no explanations, no evidence, no attempt to try to work it our first…you just left me and didn't give me anything to really tell me why; although you did give me a nice list of faults; but I assume it was about more than just a joke and my list of character flaws."
"I didn't mean those things I said, Johanna."
She met his gaze. "You'll have to forgive me because I don't entirely believe that."
"I guess there isn't much I can do about that at the moment…I'll just have to work on convincing you."
"Why don't you work on telling me the truth?" Johanna retorted.
Jim blew out a breath; why couldn't these things ever go easily? Why couldn't his being there be enough? Why did women always have to discuss things so thoroughly?
"Jim," she prompted.
"I told you; things just suddenly seemed to be moving so damn fast and I just needed to slow down. I needed some space. It was like there was suddenly all of this pressure to move to the next step and get married," he stated. "There's marriage all around us it seems; everyone is either getting married and wants everyone else to run out and do it too or their sticking their noses in business that doesn't concern them and telling us to get married. Then there was that joke about rings and it seemed like you wanted to move on already too; like what we had wasn't enough for you already."
"It is enough," she said softly; trying not to feel stung by his brisk words. "Believe me; I regret ever playing along with that stupid joke. I don't want anything from you that you don't want to give, Jim."
"I know that now," he replied; "But it wasn't just the joke…it's everybody."
"Our friends were just teasing too…they shouldn't have, and believe me, when it caused this whole mess I was angry at them too but they didn't mean any harm."
"I know; but they just need to keep their damn mouths shut. It's not only them though; it's my father too, he's always telling me that I need to start thinking about settling down and I just don't know if I'm ready to do that yet; then there's my mother and she's always bitching and wants to tell me who to spend my life with and it just all seemed like too much, too fast. Maybe I didn't realize just how serious we were until all of this started…I guess it scared me and I just had to walk away and take some space. I had to figure some things out. I didn't want to hurt you but I just felt a lot of pressure. I figured if I let it go on, I'd end up having to give in to a demand of marriage and then after that there would be a demand for babies and I'm sure as hell not ready for that!"
Johanna smothered a smirk. If he was that adamant that he wasn't ready to be a father then they probably shouldn't be so lax in their condom usage…more to the point, they probably should've interrupted their passionate reunion to open up the nightstand drawer and find one in the box he kept there. She could ease his mind though, she'd never force him into something he didn't want.
"I never asked you to marry me, Jim; and I never will."
"You're never going to ask for marriage?" he questioned; disbelief in his tone.
Johanna looked him in the eye. "No, I'll never ask you for something that you clearly don't want."
"I didn't say that I never wanted to get married."
This was going so wrong, Jim thought to himself. He was the one who was supposed to be apologizing. "It wasn't you, Jo. It was me. I don't know why it got to me the way it did. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have treated you the way that I did. I should've talked about it with you like you asked me to...but it just seemed so stupid and that just made it worse."
"If something is bothering you, than it isn't stupid," Johanna replied. "And I never would've said it was."
"I know," he said quietly, his hand settling on her stomach. "I'm so sorry, Johanna. I just want to be with you...I want us to be together again…will you give me another chance?"
She swallowed hard, there was nothing she wanted more but there was something else that needed discussed before she made that decision. "How will your girlfriend feel about that?" she asked.
"My girlfriend?" Jim asked as he stared at her. "What are you talking about?"
Tears glimmered in her eyes. "I heard about you and Callie."
"Heard what?"
Was he really going to make her spell it out? "I know that you went out with her," she said; hurt evident in her tone.
"Johanna, I never went out with Callie."
She eyed him. "Don't lie to me."
"I'm not!" he exclaimed. "I ran into her at a bar the other night. She sat with me, I drank with her but that was all."
She scoffed. "That isn't what I heard."
"Maybe you should tell me what exactly it is that you heard," Jim replied, although he was pretty sure he knew since Jeff had told him the rumor.
"I heard that you went out with her and that the two of you looked very cozy at the bar...and that you went home with her."
"Well then you heard wrong because I didn't take her anywhere and we weren't cozy at the bar. I walked out with her but I sure as hell didn't go home with her, and just to make it clear, I didn't sleep with her either. Nothing happened."
"Well that's not what Callie is saying," Johanna replied as she swiped at a tear that broke free.
"Callie's a liar!"
"Why would she lie about it? What would she have to gain?"
"To hurt you, for one thing," he told her.
"But we aren't together."
"Do you think that matters to her?" Jim asked. "Do you think she believes it wouldn't hurt you to say that she was with me when we had only been apart for a few days? You know how she is, Jo. She's just as bad as Melanie, that's why they're friends. I'm telling you the truth."
"I want to believe that," Johanna whispered; a hint of doubt still lingering in her mind.
Jim cupped her face and turned it towards him. "You can believe it; nothing happened between me and her. I love you. You're the only woman I want; I wouldn't be unfaithful to you, sweetheart."
"We weren't together," she sniffed. "It wouldn't have been cheating; you would've been within your right to be with her if you wanted to."
He shook his head. "In my heart we were together; I didn't want her. I want you…I want to be with you."
"Is that why you came here tonight? You just wanted to be with me?"
"I didn't come here with the purpose of sleeping with you if that's what you're asking. I came to tell you that I was sorry and that I wanted to work things out...that I wanted to try again if you'd have me."
"You know I want you," she whispered; a few more tears sliding down her cheeks that he wiped away. "I love you."
"Does that mean you'll give me another chance?"
"Yes," Johanna murmured. "I want us to try again. I want to be with you. We'll do better this time."
Jim nodded; a grateful smile appearing on his face. "I promise I won't make you regret it."
She laughed softly. "You better not."
He moved closer, pulling her in for a long slow kiss. "Do you know what the best part of making up is?" he asked when their kiss ended.
"What?"
"Make up sex."
She laughed. "Didn't we already do that?"
He shook his head. "No, that wasn't make up sex."
"Then what was it?" she asked.
"That was please forgive me sex."
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"No," he replied. "You hadn't officially forgiven me yet."
Johanna shook her head at him. "Do you sit up nights thinking this stuff up?"
He laughed, "No, it's just a known fact."
"I think you'll just say anything to sleep with me."
"I always mean everything I say to get you into bed, Sweetheart."
She laughed lightly as she glanced at him. "For some reason, that thought is oddly comforting," she replied as she shifted and slipped her arms around him.
"You really forgive me?" he murmured between kisses.
"Would we be doing this if I didn't?"
"We did it earlier without knowing if there was forgiveness or not," he reminded her.
A small smile curved her lips upwards as her fingers traced the line of his jaw. "Silly boy," she murmured. "I forgave you the second you walked through the door."
"Why?" he asked; his plans of love making on hold for the moment as he needed to know more for some reason.
"Because I love you," Johanna whispered. "And when you love someone enough, you can forgive easily…not that I want you making this a habit."
"You don't have to worry about that…I've been miserable without you, sweetheart."
"Me too," she murmured as she caught his lips in a kiss.
"Don't let me be stupid anymore."
Johanna laughed softly. "I'll do my best, honey…but it's not an easy job sometimes."
Jim smiled at her; his heart feeling whole once more as he kissed her; his thoughts returning to the need to make up some more. "Maybe you can help me reform," he said between kisses.
"We'll work on it," she whispered, her fingers tugging gently at his hair at the nape of his neck. "Before you get too carried away with your need to make up further, maybe you better reach into the nightstand drawer…in light of that comment you made earlier about babies."
He moved away from her to do as she asked. "It wasn't on my mind earlier," he remarked as he pulled open the drawer.
"Wasn't on mine either but it is now."
"Sorry," Jim murmured when he finally returned to her,
Johanna's fingers skimmed his face. "Let's not think about it anymore tonight…let's just make up."
He smiled and captured her lips in a tender kiss; a weight lifting from his shoulders. He was thankful that he hadn't blown it completely…that she was willing to take him back despite it all.
The next morning, Jim slipped back into bed beside Johanna, pulling her into his arms and brushing his lips against her forehead. "Where did you go?" she murmured sleepily as she snuggled against his bare chest. He couldn't have gone far if he was only half dressed, she thought to herself, but she was sure that she'd been alone for more than a few minutes.
"I was in the kitchen," he murmured. "I made you breakfast."
"You made me breakfast?" she repeated as she angled her head to look at him.
"Yeah; it's keeping warm."
A small smile touched her lips. "Why did you do that?"
"I wanted to," he replied. "You've cooked a lot for me…I thought maybe it would be nice if I made you something besides tea."
"That's so sweet," she murmured as she brushed her lips against his. She had a feeling that it was also apart of his apology. "What did you make?"
"Scrambled eggs and pancakes…although I'm sure they're not as good as yours."
"I'm sure they're good."
"I guess you'll find out."
Johanna laughed softly against his chest and then wiggled away from him; keeping the sheet wrapped around her. "Will you hand me my nightgown?"
"Sure, sweetheart," he replied as he got up and grabbed her peach colored nightgown from the floor and handed it to her.
"Thank you."
"Jo?" he said quietly as she slipped into her nightgown while remaining in bed.
"Yeah?"
"Will you come back home?"
She looked at him oddly. "I am home, silly."
He gave a soft laugh. "I know that."
"Then what did you mean?"
"I meant home with me," he explained. "You took your stuff."
"You noticed?"
"Of course I noticed."
"When you didn't say anything I thought maybe you didn't mind."
"I minded," he said with a sigh. "I minded a lot…I just didn't know what to say…and it was hard to do it at work."
"I know," she answered. "It's been a long week."
"Yeah, it has been…we didn't get to have the victory celebration we had planned."
"Maybe next time," Johanna commented as she got out of bed. "I'm sure we'll have other chances."
He gently caught her wrist as she moved to leave the room. "But will you come back…and you know…bring your stuff?"
Johanna was quiet for a long moment, her teeth worrying her bottom lip as her gaze drifted to the floor to study the carpet as she contemplated her answer. "I don't think I should right now," she said softly, her gaze finding its way back to his face.
Her answer sent a jolt through his heart and his hand fisted the tangled sheets as he remained perched on the edge of the bed. He thought everything was okay now, they had made up…why wouldn't she come back? "Why?" he asked.
She wrung her hands for a moment and then moved back to the bed and sat down. "Because you said things were moving too fast and that you needed to slow down. We weren't together very long when I started spending the weekends at your place and having space in your closet. Maybe it was too soon for that. Maybe we rushed and that was part of the problem that made you feel the way you did."
Jim shook his head. "I'm fine now. You don't have to do this; you don't have to stay away."
"I'm not staying away…I'm just saying that maybe it would be best if I didn't spend the weekends at your place for awhile. Maybe we need to pull back a little."
He looked at her with something akin to shock on his face. "I thought we were okay, Jo. I thought after last night…" he said, his eyes drifting to the rumpled state of the bed where they had spent the better part of the night making love. "I thought things were fine between us again."
"They are," she replied. "But I don't want to have to go through this every few weeks. I feel like maybe if there's some space, little things like jokes or comments won't blow up into big ordeals again. It's not because I don't want to be with you, I do…I just don't want you to feel like I'm moving in on you and pressuring you to play house."
"I invited you; keeping stuff at my place was my idea," Jim remarked. "Friday night through Sunday afternoon isn't moving in on me or playing house."
Johanna sucked in a breath and chose her words carefully. "But you made comments about me wanting to play house…and I assume from those comments that I was acting like I was a wife instead of a girlfriend and that it was part of the problem…that things were too domesticated."
Jim scrubbed a hand over his face. "I thought we were done with this, we made up, Jo. Why are you doing this?"
"Because I feel like maybe to prevent this from happening again that we need to make some changes for now. We need to slow down and pull back a little and just take our time so no one feels rushed or pressured or anything. I feel terrible that I was part of making you feel that way and I don't want to do that to you anymore. I meant it when I said I'd never ask you to marry me…and I don't want to do anything that will make you think I'm changing my mind about that. I'm doing it for you…because I want you to be comfortable in our relationship."
"I think you're doing it because you're still mad," he retorted.
She curled her hand around his clenched fist. "No; I got over being mad a few days ago…am I still hurt a little despite last night and forgiving you, yeah, I am, I can't help that but that isn't why I'm doing this. I love you and I want to be with you…but I want you to be happy and comfortable in our relationship. I'm not saying that I'm never going to spend the night with you at your place, I will. I'm just saying that for right now, I'm not going to stay the whole weekend. I'll stay on Friday nights."
"What if I just start making plans for us every night of the weekend?" he asked tartly. "Where are you staying then?"
"Fridays with you, Saturdays and Sundays at home."
"Johanna," he said gruffly, shrugging off the hold she had on his hand.
"Jim," she said firmly; "I'm not rejecting you, I'm not seeking revenge, I'm not still angry…I just want to make this work and I feel like this would be good for us for now. I'm not saying that I'm never coming back, I said not right now."
He'd be lying if he said it didn't hurt him to hear her be so firm in the conviction that she not stay with him on the weekends. He wanted her to go back to going home with him on the weekends. Didn't she understand just how much he liked her being there…how much he missed her when she wasn't? And what about Wednesdays when he always stayed with her? Was he supposed to stay away now? Was he on some sort of probation?
"What about Wednesdays?" he demanded to know. "Does this mean I'm not allowed to stay here with you? Do you want me to take my stuff?"
"No," Johanna replied. "There's no need to take your stuff; you can stay with me on Wednesdays just like always or any other time you want."
"But you're not staying with me?"
"I'm staying on Fridays."
He sighed deeply. "So much for making up."
"Jim, please don't act like I'm trying to keep the fight going, because I'm not. I just feel like after going through something like this that we should just slow down a little and take our time, that's all."
"I'm not going to give up on you staying with me on the weekends like you always do," he stated firmly. "We are a couple, you belong with me."
"I am with you…I'm just not living with you on the weekends right now…and maybe it would be best if we didn't stay home every Wednesday. Maybe we need to go out more for awhile no matter where either one of us is staying."
He said nothing but the look on his face told her how unhappy he was with the news. "I'm sorry," she murmured as she wrapped her arms around him. "I just want to make things better."
"I don't think this is the way to do it," he replied, stubbornly refusing to return her embrace.
"It's just temporary…until the dust settles."
"The dust seemed pretty settled when we were in bed last night."
She smiled as she pulled back from him. "We're good at settling things in bed," she quipped.
Jim nodded as he eyed her. "Then maybe we should get back in and settle this."
"You made breakfast," Johanna remarked. "It's going to get cold if we keep sitting here going around in circles."
"Maybe I don't care."
"Well maybe I'm hungry," she said as she rose from her spot once again.
"Maybe you're avoiding the issue."
"There's no issue," Johanna replied. "I love you, I want to be with you, I want to move past this. To me its settled and we're just easing back into things slowly so that no one feels unwanted pressure…you know you're not the only one who corners the market on relationship fears…you might be over yours but I'm not over the one that sprung to life for me with all of this so I feel like we need to take these measures, that it's best for both of us. I understand why you ended our relationship…I understood it the minute you did it even though it hurt me and made me angry and a million other things…so I think you should try to understand why I want us to do things this way for a little while. It's not about me having to have my way, it's not about me taking over…it's me saying that while I'll never ask you to marry me, I would like to keep you for as long as you'll have me…and if that means I need to make some small changes, then I will because you're worth it to me."
His hands slid around her waist as he looked up at her. "I'll let it go for this weekend…but I'm not going to give up on you coming home, Johanna. Home is where we both are. I'm good at finding loop holes…I'll get us back to where we were."
She smiled and planted a knee on each side of him so that she could straddle his lap. Her fingertips brushed along his face, his jaw somewhat tight and his eyes deadly serious. She captured his lips in a long, tender kiss; her arms wrapping around him as she tried to soothe him. "We're going to be fine," she murmured.
"I hope so," Jim replied. "I love you…I don't want you to doubt it."
"I don't doubt it," she promised. "I love you too. Everything's okay."
He nodded but he felt like despite making up that things were still going to be shaky for awhile…but he wasn't going to give up; he'd make it better. He'd get them back to normal…no matter what it took.
Authors Note: Up next, a friendship takes a nose dive…