Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! I had to split this one, as usual ;)
Chapter 55- The Scare-Part 1
Johanna's pen tapped against the square boxes on the calendar for the third time as she counted them off. She tapped the last box and frowned, having come up with the same answer as she had the last two times. She flipped the page back to the previous month and started over, surely she had to be miscounting, she tried to convince herself. Math had never been her strong suit after all...but of course that was in the areas of more complicated mathematics like algebra. She knew how to count…and she couldn't be counting wrong when she kept coming up with the same answer. She allowed the pen to drop from her fingers and she leaned back and closed her eyes. There was just one conclusion. She was late. Very late.
A ripple of panic shot through her already queasy stomach. It couldn't be, she thought as she tried to swallow the lump that was growing in her throat. "Don't panic," she told herself as she took a breath. It wasn't the first time she had been late. "That's right;" she said quietly, she'd missed periods before in times of stress or illness, sometimes even when the seasons changed. It was normal, it happened to all women. She had almost convinced herself that she had nothing to worry about when her traitorous mind began throwing out doubts about those assumptions. Had she really been that stressed? She hadn't been sick, so that couldn't be a cause. The season had changed, autumn had arrived near the end of September and then quickly morphed into winter like temps…which could've affected her, it had before…but it shouldn't be making her nauseous. Panic returned. She had been so very nauseated for the last two days and while it wasn't an unusual symptom in relation to her forthcoming period, it wasn't usually this bad and didn't remain so constantly.
Johanna shook her head slightly, trying to dispel that little whisper in the back of her mind that kept telling her that it was possible that she might be pregnant. No, she told herself, refusing to entertain the notion, if she was pregnant she'd be throwing up instead of just feeling queasy...wouldn't she? It was just an upset stomach…she was probably eating too much take out lately due to a packed schedule the last few weeks. She was fine, she told herself. She was just late...it could still come this month. No need to panic...and yet she was. Her mind was spiraling out of control with the possibility as she glanced at the calendar and leaned forward to calculate the numbers once again; this time with the intent of figuring out when it might have happened if she was pregnant.
She studied the dates, thinking back and then it hit her. Her eyes fluttered close for a moment and she fell back against the chair again. That night in Jim's office flicked through her mind. They'd been caught up in the moment, he had convinced her that it would be adventurous...and she had agreed. It had seemed forbidden and that had made it all the more exciting. They hadn't been careful; not in his office...not later on at her apartment…in the living room…or the bedroom…or the next morning in the shower. Her stomach clenched, threatening to rebel but she took a few breaths and quelled the urge to throw up in the trash can. Oh God; they had been all over each other that night and not once did they take a minute to exercise caution. They were too caught up in each other…still in the throes of their reunion…making up for lost time that work kept robbing them of that first week they were back together.
She sighed as she rubbed her fingers across her forehead; truth be told, she had to admit that they weren't careful nearly as much as they should be. When they had first gotten together they had been careful…but then there was that one night when things were at a fever pitch and Jim had reached into the nightstand drawer and found that the box was empty…he had begged her not to stop…and she had no desire to stop; telling him that she was willing to take the risk. Once she had allowed him that privilege once, it began to become a habit when they were suddenly embroiled in the heat of a moment. It looked like that habit might be coming back to bite them in the ass. This would teach him to want adventure, she thought.
What was she going to do? The logical side of her brain told her that she'd just have to go to the doctor and find out for sure; but the other side of her brain was already off and running with the fear that she was pregnant. They weren't married...they hadn't even talked about it. Hell the one time the topic had been brought up in a joking sense had led to a week long break up. Unmarried and pregnant, she thought to herself, life wouldn't be easy for her once word got around. Her mother would be devastated. Her father…well, she didn't even want to think about what Frank's reaction would be. It wouldn't be good, to say the least. Jim's mother would kill her, of that she had no doubt. His father would probably be the only one who would take the news well...but how would Jim take it? Tears pricked her eyes, what if he didn't want it? She shook that thought away. Jim wouldn't be that way. He wouldn't turn his back on his child. He wouldn't abandon her. Would he? He did say he didn't want kids anytime soon…and she knew he wasn't big on the idea of marriage. Her stomach dipped; she wasn't sure how he'd take it…but she imagined that his initial reaction wouldn't be good.
No matter his reaction, he'd most likely want to do the right thing if she was pregnant. At least she thought so...but she didn't want to be one of those women who had a husband that had felt like he had to marry her. That wasn't the kind of marriage she wanted and she could foresee herself always wondering if he had married her solely out of obligation. He'd end up resenting her, their relationship would eventually crash and burn if his hand was forced. Her teeth sunk into her lip, this was all wrong. This wasn't the way she had wanted things to go. A tear broke free and slipped down her cheek. She knew that she was being ridiculous worrying over something that might not even be, but she was terrified.
She loved babies; there was nothing that she'd like better than to have one of her own...one day...when the time was right, and the time didn't feel right at that moment. She swiped at her cheeks, erasing the tracks of the tears that had broken free against her will. What if she wasn't ready to be a mother? What if she wasn't any good at it? What if Jim did leave her and she was left to handle it on her own?
"Stop it!" Johanna commanded herself. There was no point in getting so worked about something that she didn't even have the answer to. She just needed to find out for sure and then she could figure things out if need be. She took a few shuddering breaths and then composed herself as she pulled out her address book. She found the number she was looking for and then glanced at her watch. She frowned, it was already after five, and the doctor's office would be closed and to make matters worse, it was Friday. She'd have to wait until Monday to call for an appointment.
"Great," she muttered. Now she got to look forward to a whole weekend of worrying over what if's. She wondered briefly if she should tell Jim her suspicions...but then she quickly dumped that idea. She wasn't going to tell him unless she had a piece of paper in her hands saying that the results were positive. No reason to worry him…no reason to make things harder on herself if he reacted badly…especially if the test was negative in the end. It would just be her little secret for now. It was better that way for both of them; if the test came back negative then she could pretend this never happened and he'd go on happily never knowing she had terrified herself over nothing. If it was positive…well, then she'd take an hour to compose herself and then go to him and confess. Adventure wasn't what it was cracked up to be once you had to face the possible consequences. Johanna sighed; what a damn mess she had gotten herself into.
Johanna stood in Jim's kitchen, waiting for the water to boil so she could make herself a cup of tea. She wondered, not for the first time, if she had made a mistake in coming to stay with him for the weekend; but it was her turn to stay with him…and if she didn't have a good excuse, like being mad at him, there was really no way to avoid it. Jim would call her on it and it would inevitably end up as an argument and they didn't need that. They finally seemed to be getting their balance back…which was another reason why she didn't want to tell him her suspicions until she knew for sure. He had been mentioning for the past two days that he was looking forward to her spending the weekend with him…and he'd been a little upset that he was going to have to work late that evening instead of heading home with her. She was glad that they had that discussion before she figured out her little problem…and also glad that he had given her the keys to his car so that she could drive herself to his place; she really hadn't felt up to walking or wrestling with the rest of humanity for a cab. But still she wondered if maybe she should've gone home. But if she had decided to spend another weekend at her own apartment, without the benefit of an argument between them as an excuse, it would've looked suspicious and that was the last thing she wanted.
Finally the water was ready and Johanna lifted the kettle from the stove and poured some water into her cup and then dipped the tea bag in. Her thoughts were running rampant as she stared absentmindedly out the kitchen window while waiting for the tea to cool enough for her to drink. She hoped it would settle her stomach; and she prayed that she was worried over nothing. She was so lost in thought that she didn't hear Jim enter the apartment, nor did she hear him say her name as he walked into the kitchen.
She didn't register his presence until she felt his arms slipping around her waist, pulling her back against him as he pressed a kiss against her hair. "Didn't you hear me?" he chuckled softly as she jumped slightly, startled by his sudden appearance.
"No," Johanna answered. "I guess I was daydreaming."
"I hope it was something good," he replied, as he gave her waist a gentle squeeze.
"Wouldn't you like to know," she quipped.
Jim couldn't help but think that she seemed subdued despite her light hearted comment and he turned her so that she'd face him, keeping her locked in his arms as he looked into her eyes for the telling signs of tears or the fiery sparks of a temper that had been riled. He found neither, but it did nothing to lessen the feeling that something wasn't right. He hadn't seen her much all day; he had driven her to work and had managed to stop in her office long enough to drop off his keys and tell her he was working late. He'd been in court all day and he feared that something had happened at the office that he hadn't been there to stop.
"Did something happen at work?" he asked. "You seem quiet."
Johanna shook her head. "No, I'm just tired."
He wasn't sure if he bought that but he let it pass for the moment as he dipped his head to brush his lips against hers. "Do you want to go out for dinner?"
"Would you mind if we didn't this time?" she asked.
"No; I don't mind. Do you want to order in?"
Again she shook her head. "I'm not hungry."
"What's wrong?" he asked.
Johanna hesitated for a moment, debating the whole thing once again in a matter of seconds. "I just don't feel good," she answered. She wasn't lying to him...she just wasn't telling him everything at the moment, she told herself. She could worry enough for both of them.
Jim regarded her for a moment, now that she mentioned it, she did seem a little pale and concern filled him as he gazed at her. "Are you coming down with something?"
It was possible; she thought to herself, she might be coming down with babyitis. "It's probably nothing," she replied.
He laid a hand against her forehead and then her cheek. "You don't have a fever but you are a little pale. What is it that's making you not feel well?"
She had to smile a little at the concerned look on his face. "My stomach is upset, and I have a little bit of a headache," she told him. "But I'm sure it's nothing to worry about."
"Do you want me to take you to a doctor?"
"No," she stated with a shake of her head. "I'm sure it'll pass, it's probably just one of those little things that lasts a day or two. I'll be fine."
He nodded but still looked worried and she managed to conjure up a smile for him. "Don't worry," she told him, brushing a light kiss against his lips.
Jim tugged her against him to embrace her for a moment and then he pulled back to look at her. "Why don't you take your cup of tea and go take one of those long, hot baths that you like so much and relax for a while. I'll see to dinner."
Johanna had to blink quickly to keep the tears from building in her eyes, he was going to take care of her and a wave of love for him washed over her. "I could make something for you," she told him; feeling a small measure of guilt for not sharing her worries with him.
"No, you go take your bath and then curl up on the couch and rest. I'll take care of it."
She nodded, knowing that she wouldn't win against him. He picked up her cup of tea and handed it to her and then led her to the doorway of the kitchen, his hand warm and comforting at her back. It was very sweet and loving…and yet on the other hand, only made her feel worse.
Johanna lingered in her bath until the water turned cold; hoping and praying that it would somehow make her feel better but it didn't. She pulled the plug, allowing the water to drain as she dragged herself out of the bathtub and quickly dried off and dressed. She had just dropped her nightgown over head when the bitter taste of bile rose in her throat. "Oh God, no," she thought to herself as she closed her eyes and gripped the edge of the sink.
Her stomach revolted as she had feared it was going to. She quickly turned on the water to wash away the evidence and to drown out the sound in case Jim was hovering nearby. It was more evidence that she didn't need or want and it set her more on edge. Now that her stomach was empty, Johanna took a few deep breaths; willing it to settle. She washed her face again and quickly brushed her teeth. She paused for a moment before opening the bathroom door; giving herself a silent pep talk about keeping her composure and then she opened the door and made the trek through his apartment.
"How are you feeling?" Jim asked as he looked up from the television screen.
"Not too good," she replied as she kept walking toward the kitchen.
He got up from the sofa and followed her; hovering as she made herself another cup of tea. He placed his hand against her forehead again as she turned toward him and she gave him an indulgent smile. "I don't have a fever, Jim," she said as she pulled his hand away from her forehead.
"You look paler," he remarked.
"I don't. Did you eat?" she asked.
"Not yet; I ordered a pizza."
Johanna gave a nod as she grabbed some crackers from the cupboard and picked up her mug of tea, retreating to the living room; her shadow following behind her. As she settled at one end of the sofa; he grabbed the light blue blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over her; tucking it around her as if she was a little girl being tucked into bed. "Are you warm enough?" Jim asked.
"Yes; I'm fine."
He looked at her skeptically but the knock at the door spared her from having to come up with a convincing argument to prove herself.
"Are you ready to eat?" he asked after he paid for his pizza and shut the door.
Johanna wrinkled her nose at the mere thought of it. "Food is the last thing I want right now…I don't even really want these crackers."
"Sweetheart; shouldn't you at least try to eat something more than a few crackers? Maybe it would help."
"Jim; I highly doubt pizza is going to help; the sauce and the grease would probably only make my stomach feel worse."
"You're right; I hadn't thought of that. Do you want me to order you something else?"
"No," she replied; a slight air of irritability in her tone. "I don't feel like eating."
He better stop pushing that issue, Jim thought to himself as he watched her rearrange her blanket as she curled up into a ball at her end of the sofa. He took the pizza into the kitchen to eat and Johanna closed her eyes and tried to will herself to fall asleep before he finished.
She hadn't thought that sleep would come easily despite how tired she was but she must have dozed for a little while as she jerked back awake as she felt Jim squeezing in beside her; his arms going around her as he shifted her easily and settled her against his chest.
"What are you doing?" she murmured.
"Holding you."
She smiled a little. "Why?"
"I thought it would make you feel better."
Normally it would have; she thought to herself as she held onto him tightly; but tonight it only served to remind her of all of those fears that were swirling in her mind.
"Did you take something for your headache?" Jim asked quietly.
"Yeah; I took some Advil before I took my bath." His fingers found their way into her hair and she closed her eyes; enjoying the feel... a part of her wondering if she'd have that luxury for much longer.
"Jo?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you sure nothing happened at work today?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Because I feel like there's something else going on with you besides being sick...and I know how certain people like to pick at you and if something happened; if someone said or did something to you, I want to know about it."
"Nothing happened, Jim."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!" she exclaimed; annoyance coloring her tone.
"Okay," he replied; "It isn't work. Did one of your relatives call and say something?"
"No! Nobody called and nobody did anything to me."
He grew quiet; his fingers still threading through her hair and she thought that maybe he had gotten the hint to back off. The silence didn't last however as he spoke once more.
"You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?" Jim asked.
She had to force her body not to stiffen at the remark; it would've given her away for sure. It wasn't that she liked keeping her suspicions from him; she didn't, but she felt it was best at this time. All she had was circumstantial evidence; she had no proof of her issue being what she thought it was. Why open up that can of worms for what could amount to no reason? If the results came out that she was pregnant, then she would tell him and they could discuss it, until then, it was her burden to carry alone.
"Yes, I'd tell you if there was something you needed to know" she answered; hating herself a little as she felt like she was lying...and basically she was because something was wrong and she wasn't telling him.
"Then why don't you tell me what's on your mind tonight?"
Johanna sighed. "I did. I told you that I don't feel good; what more do you want?"
"I want to know that you're fine, with the exception of being sick of course."
"How many times do I have to tell you that I am? If I had known you were going to be this way, I would've gone home instead of coming here."
"Jo," he said; surprise evident in his tone.
"Well I would have," she retorted as she pulled away from him; sitting up and scooting towards the opposite end of the sofa. "I'm not in the mood to be interrogated."
"I'm not interrogating you!"
"Well then what do you call it?" she asked crossly.
Jim sat up and looked at her; her jaw tight and her eyes snapping with temper. "I'm sorry, sweetheart; I didn't mean to interrogate you. Don't get upset; it's not good for you when you're sick."
"Jim, don't make a big deal out of this; it's just a little bug. I'll be fine."
"If you don't feel better tomorrow, I'll take you to the doctor."
"I'm not going to the doctor!" she exclaimed; "And if you don't stop, I swear I'm going home."
"Why is it so wrong for me to be concerned about you?" Jim asked. "I love you, I worry about you. I just want to be sure you're okay."
Tears sprung to her eyes; now she did feel horrible, and for a moment she was tempted to confess her fears and suspicions but the fear of his reaction made her swallow the words. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I guess I'm just cranky."
"It's okay," he replied; reaching out and caressing her face. "You don't feel good and I'm bugging you. I'm sorry."
She moved back into his arms. "You don't have to be sorry...I love you too…I didn't mean to snap at you."
Jim chuckled quietly as he nuzzled her hair. "Don't worry about it, I should no better than to poke you too much when you're not feeling like yourself."
"You did say once that I was a bad patient."
"You are," he stated. "But I can handle you."
She tightened her hold on him; hoping the weekend would move quickly so that she, doctor hater that she was, could make an appointment and go see one to put her mind at ease.
Johanna laid awake that night, staring at the clock which read 2:38 as her head pounded and her stomach remained queasy. Worry wouldn't let her rest and she desperately wanted to sleep in hopes that she'd wake up feeling better. Sleep didn't appear to be in the cards however as she pulled the sheet and comforter more securely around her; a small chill racing through her body. Maybe she was coming down with something. At least that was what she was hoping. She heard Jim's soft, even breathing and focused on it; feeling a twinge of guilt that she hadn't confided in him about her worries. She could still tell him though; all she had to do was wake him and make her confession and for a moment she was tempted but she ultimately held back. Why did she have to feel so afraid about telling him?
"Because I don't want to lose him," she answered silently; feeling the sting of tears in her eyes. No matter how many times she told herself that he wouldn't abandon her or be angry, she just couldn't bring herself to tell him before she knew for sure. Those same worries about Jim kept cycling through her mind; along with the worries she had about herself. What if there was a baby on the way? What if she wasn't ready? What if she did something wrong? What if she couldn't handle it? What if everyone abandoned her and she had to do it on her own? Would she be able to? Would her career be ruined, and if it was, how would she support herself and a baby? Go back to waitressing and hope she could make enough in tips and wages to keep a roof over their heads and food in the baby's stomach. Who would take care of the baby while she worked? Would her mother ever be able to look her in the eye again; or would the shame she feared seeing in Naomi's blue eyes always force her to keep her own gaze averted?
How would her heart ever survive the blow if Jim walked away? She liked to think that she was an independent woman who could take care of herself and that she didn't need anyone to hold her hand through life...but the truth was that while she might not need a hand, she wanted one...she wanted Jim's hand to hold. She wanted her family. She didn't want to be looked down upon as she knew a lot of women were when they had a child out of wedlock; and she didn't want her child to have to suffer for her actions either. She didn't want any unsavory names and stigmas attached to that small being who had been created out of love. She swallowed hard; trying desperately to hold back her tears but the picture her mind had painted looked so bleak and terrifying. The tears broke free and she stifled the sob; trying to cry as quietly as possible so she wouldn't wake Jim. Johanna pressed her cheek more firmly into the pillow; hoping to muffle the sound of her sniffles as she squeezed her eyes shut and curled into a ball.
Something pulled Jim from his dreams and he laid quietly and unmoving for a moment as he tried to discern what it was. He heard a soft sniffing sound coming from beside him and then another. He turned slowly, seeing that Johanna was on her side with her back to him and he studied her small form for a moment. She was crying, he realized; worry and distress at the knowledge piercing his heart as he slowly shifted towards her in effort not to startle her. He rose up on his elbow; gently brushing her hair back from her face with his opposite hand. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asked softly as she registered his touch.
"Nothing," she answered quietly.
"Then why are you crying?"
"It was just a bad dream," she told him; figuring that was close enough to the truth.
Jim wiped away her tears, and then ran his fingers through her hair. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
Her heart screamed yes, but her brain overruled her and she shook her head. "No."
He laid back down next to her and pulled her into his arms. "It's alright," he murmured in her ear; his fingers still threading through her hair. "You're safe from whatever it was. I won't let it hurt you."
Johanna turned towards him, burying her tear stained face in his chest. The truth bubbled up in her throat but she swallowed it back, hating herself as she did so. His hand moved soothingly over her back and she began to calm as she held on to him tightly.
"Do you still feel sick, sweetheart?" he asked.
She nodded against him. "Yeah; I think my headache is a little worse now."
Jim carefully extracted himself from her arms and clicked on the light on the nightstand as he got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked; her voice still thick with the tears she had shed.
"I'm going to get you something for your headache; I'll be right back."
She would've protested and told him that she'd get it herself but she figured it would be futile. He was determined to take care of her and she would let him. He was back a few minutes later, carrying a glass of water and two tablets in his hand. She sat up and accepted them and then gave him a weary smile as he repositioned her pillow and tucked the covers more securely around her.
"I'm sorry I woke you," she whispered.
He shook his head as his fingertips fell against her forehead and began to slowly massage the area as he had done the last time she had a bad headache. "Don't worry about that," he replied. "You should've woke me anyway."
"Why?"
"So I could take care of you," Jim answered with a smile before pressing a kiss to her lips. "Now you close your eyes and rest, it'll help you feel better."
She doubted that but she did as he asked; the motion of his fingers against her forehead lulling her. Soon she was drifting on the edges of sleep, just barely registering the fact that his fingers had fallen away from her skin and the click of the lamp. She felt him slip back into his place beside her; his arms carefully coming around her and tucking her against his chest. His heartbeat sounded in her ear; his hand threading through her hair as sleep pulled her under. Her dreams were filled with thoughts of a baby...but in her dreams it all worked out just fine.
Saturday brought no relief to Johanna's worried mind as she recalled how she had emptied her stomach soon after getting up that morning. The action seemed to drive home the very real possibility that she was pregnant. She worried her bottom lip, a part of her wanting to blurt out her fears to Jim as he sat across the table from her reading the paper but she couldn't; not yet, not when she didn't know for sure. She tried to focus her attention on the piece of newspaper lying in front of her but her thoughts were too scattered and concentrating on the words wasn't possible.
"Should I stay home with you?" Jim asked after swallowing a bite of the sandwich she had made him for lunch. "I know you're still not feeling well, are you?"
"No, I'm not," she answered. "But there's no need for you to stay home. I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?"
Johanna gave him a small smile; she knew he didn't want to miss this football game that he and Jeff had been going on about all week and she wouldn't ask him to stay home with her just because she didn't feel well. Space was probably a good idea or she'd end up telling him and God only knew how things would go from there. She needed some time to get herself together and she could do that if he was at the game as scheduled. "I'm sure; you go and have a good time. You and Jeff have had these tickets for awhile and have been looking forward to it. There's no reason not to go; I'll be here when you get back."
"Alright," he relented; feeling slightly bad that he was somewhat glad she didn't want him to stay. He did want to go to the game. "I want you to rest while I'm gone; maybe you'll feel better."
"I'll do that," she replied, her gaze straying to the clock. "You better finish up and get ready to go; it's almost time for you to pick up Jeff."
Jim nodded and picked up his sandwich to finish it, casually observing his girlfriend as he did so. Something was still off with her, he could feel it. He knew she didn't feel well but there was something deeper. She had been up before he was and that wasn't standard behavior from Johanna McKenzie on a Saturday morning. She never rolled out of bed until at least nine on the weekends. She had seemed slightly agitated at breakfast; had been restless all morning but trying to hide it…he saw it though…he wanted to ask…wanted to grab a hold of her and make her tell him, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. If only he could figure it out on his own…but he couldn't; and it was annoying the hell out of him.
A short while later, Jim was grabbing his keys from the stand as Johanna waited near the door to see him off. "Are you sure you're alright?" he asked.
"I'm fine," Johanna said; her tone gentle but firm.
"I know, I keep asking you that and it's driving you crazy," he replied.
"A little," she admitted; "But I know you're concerned, but really, it's just a virus or something; I'll be over it soon." At least she hoped so, she thought privately.
Jim moved toward her, his finger hooking her chin as he brushed a soft kiss against her lips. "Be lazy; try to eat something more than you have been and I'll be home in a little while."
She smiled. "I have no problem with being lazy; it's always part of my weekend plan. Have fun with Jeff; but not too much fun; I don't want to have to pay bail or represent the two of you at a hearing."
He grinned. "Well if you're going to put restrictions like that on us, I'm not sure it's worth going out for."
Johanna gave him a playful shove. "Go on; go see your game, drink beer and talk about us women since we won't be in ear shot to hear you or hit you with something."
Jim gave a quiet laugh and gave her another quick kiss. "See you later, sweetheart. Lock the door."
"See you later," she replied; shutting the door behind him and locking it.
Johanna retreated to the couch and sat down, the low volume of the television keeping her from drowning in silence. She rubbed a hand against her queasy stomach, wondering for the millionth time if there was a baby nestled inside. She breathed deeply; she needed to tell someone…someone who wouldn't be affected by it if there was a baby. Reflex had her picking up the phone and dialing Sharon's number, the thought that her so called best friend probably wouldn't want to be a help to her only crossing her mind after the line had rang for the second time. She was about to hang up after the fourth ring, but the line clicked and Sharon's voiced floated across the line. "Hello?"
"It's me," Johanna answered.
"What do you need?" Sharon asked.
She was slightly taken aback by her friend's somewhat terse tone. "I…I just wanted to know if you could come over and talk."
"Talk about what? Last time we talked we only ended up sticking each other with knives, so why dig into it again? Let's give it some time."
"It's not about the state of our friendship, Sharon. It's something important."
"Important to you, or important in a general sense of the word?"
She sighed. "To me it's important in the general sense of the word. I just need someone to talk to about it. Will you come over; I'm at Jim's…he's not home, he won't be all afternoon."
"I don't have time, Jo. My wedding is in two weeks and I'm trying to clean up a bunch of problems. Whatever it is that's wrong, use your own judgment; I'm sure it'll be fine."
It stung but Sharon's refusal to come over wasn't really unexpected; but her emotions were all over the map and she took a moment to steady herself so that her voice wouldn't crack. "I'll see you Monday."
I'll be there; I have to go, I have to talk to the caterer."
"Bye," Johanna murmured before hanging up the phone although Sharon had already disconnected the line.
She took a breath and picked up the phone once again; dialing another number…one that she had a feeling was more reliable than the last.
"Hello," Maggie said as she answered the phone.
"Hey, are you busy?" Johanna asked.
"No; what do you have in mind?"
Johanna gave a soft laugh. "Nothing that's really fun."
"What's wrong, Jo?" her friend asked, sensing that something was amiss.
"Can you come over?" she asked. "I'm at Jim's and I'm sure you know he and Jeff are on their way to the game. I need to talk to you…it's important."
"Give me time to dry my hair and catch a cab and I'll be there," Maggie replied.
Relief filled her. "Thank you."
"No thanks needed; you'd do the same for me."
"You're right, I would," Johanna remarked; "But I appreciate it just the same."
"I know you do; I'll be there shortly."
They said goodbye and Johanna allowed herself to settle back against the couch. She'd feel better in a little while once she had talked things out with Maggie; it would help ease her mind and maybe even release some of the stress she could feel building upon her shoulders.
"What's wrong?" Maggie asked as she made herself comfortable on Jim's sofa and watched her friend pace the floor in front of her.
"I think I have a problem," Johanna answered.
"I figured that from the phone call," Maggie replied. "But what exactly is the problem?"
Johanna paused in her pacing long enough to face her; wringing her hands as she did so. "I'm late."
"For what?" she asked; not picking up on what she had meant.
"I'm late, Maggie," she stated again; her tone stressing for her friend to read into that statement.
"Oh," she answered and then as it really sunk in, "Oh."
"Yeah," Johanna said with a nod as her friend's expression finally conveyed the thought that she had caught on. "So you see what the problem is here…right?"
Maggie studied Johanna for a moment as her pacing resumed and she took in her pale face and her panicked expression as she continued to wring her hands. She knew what the problem could be alright, but she also knew that her friend was in an agitated frenzy and needed calmed down. She needed to assure her that what she was thinking of may not be the case at all. "So you missed a period," she stated; keeping her voice calm and natural. "We all do, it doesn't mean you're pregnant."
"It doesn't mean I'm not, either," Johanna replied as she dragged a shaky hand through her hair.
"Come on," Maggie said, trying to ease her mind; "You're probably just off due to stress; hasn't that happened before? I know it's happened to me many times."
"Yes, it's happened before but there wasn't a chance that I was pregnant those times."
"Why are you so convinced that you're pregnant this time? Besides the fact that you and Jim can't keep your hands off of each other."
"Because I haven't felt good the last few days. My stomach has been upset."
Maggie shrugged. "That could be a lot of things. Maybe you ate something that didn't agree with you. It's October, it's flu season, maybe you have a touch of a virus...or maybe your cycle is making a comeback."
"That would be nice," Johanna said, "And I thought that too...that's why I was counting up the days because sometimes I don't pay attention...and it's more days than I'm comfortable with."
"How many days are we talking?" Maggie asked; her brow raised inquisitively.
"Too many."
"How many?"
"We're talking weeks."
That was a little harder to contend with, Maggie thought but she didn't betray that thought to her friend, it was still possible that she was upset over nothing. "I'm sure it's nothing, Jo. I'm sure if you just relax things will straighten out."
"I threw up this morning," Johanna stated as she turned to face her once again.
"How many times?"
"Just once…and once last night."
"I doubt that it's morning sickness. If it was that, you'd be throwing up more than that."
"What if it's just starting?" Johanna asked.
"It's not."
"How do you know?" she asked her; her voice beginning to crack.
Maggie eyed her, understanding in her gaze. "How do you know it is? A few similar symptoms doesn't mean that we need to be planning a shower and shopping for booties."
"Yeah, well what am I going to do if it turns out that I am?"
"Then we'll go shopping for booties and plan a shower," Maggie replied. "You'll be a great mommy."
Johanna didn't respond to the comment as she shifted on her feet; a few tears breaking free that she swiped away.
"What's wrong, Jo? You've always talked about wanting a baby someday."
"I do want a baby," she answered. "But it's not supposed to be this way. I'm not married...and Jim doesn't want to get married and he's made it clear that he doesn't want kids anytime soon. It just feels all wrong."
Maggie gave her a sympathetic smile. "Aren't the two of you...careful?"
Johanna looked at her as if she couldn't believe that she had asked that question. "Obviously not, Maggie," she exclaimed. "That's why I'm in this mess!"
Her friend forced herself not to laugh. "You see, you have nothing to worry about; that was totally a PMS attitude that you just threw out there. As for being careful...you mean never? You don't...use anything?"
Johanna rubbed her fingers across her forehead, some days she hated her life...and herself. "We do...sometimes," she answered.
"So I take it there's been a recent occasion when you 'forgot' to?"
Johanna's cheeks reddened as she remembered that night in his office when passion had overruled everything else.
Maggie grinned. "Must've been a hell of an occasion if it has you blushing like that."
"It seemed like it at the time," Johanna remarked. "But it doesn't seem so great now!"
She laughed. "You know I have to hear the details about this, don't you? Especially if it's resulted in a McKenzie-Beckett baby."
Johanna dropped down onto the other end of the sofa with a sigh and then divulged the details to her friend. When she finished, Maggie nodded as she said, "I guess it's true what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder...and then you end up screwing around in the office after hours."
"It's not funny," Johanna commented as she shot her a look.
"I know. I take it you haven't told Jim?"
She shook her head. "No."
"Why not?"
Johanna swallowed hard. "Because...I'm afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"What do you think?"
Maggie was quiet for a moment. "Jo, you don't really think that Jim would leave you if you were pregnant, do you?"
"I don't know," she said as a sob broke free. "He might. He might not want this...or he might not want it with me."
"Johanna, Jim is in love with you, he wouldn't abandon you and his baby. He'd do the right thing and marry you."
She scoffed lightly. "The one time marriage was mentioned in a joking sense, it lead to a week long break up. How am I supposed to spring a baby on him and think that he's going to want to marry me?"
"Just because he got cold feet once doesn't mean that he doesn't see himself spending his life with you. If you're having his baby, he's going to want to take care of you and he's going to want to give his child a family."
"You don't know that."
"And you don't know that he won't feel that way."
She swallowed back a sob; her tears still falling freely. "I don't want him to feel forced to marry me," Johanna stated. "I don't want to spend my life wondering if he's with me because he wants to be or if it's because we got carried away one night and he feels like he has to be. What kind of life would that be for either of us? Would you want to feel that way? Would you want Jeff to marry you out of obligation?"
Maggie was quiet for a moment as she contemplated the situation. "No," she said softly. "I wouldn't want Jeff to marry me because he felt like he had to. I would spend the rest of my life wondering if he regretted it."
"It's not a pleasant thought to think about, is it?"
"No; it's not. I probably wouldn't tell him until I knew for sure."
"That's why I haven't told Jim…I want to know for sure before I tell him. Why put us through all that when I don't even know for sure yet. I told him I'd never ask him for marriage…I don't want him to think I was trying to trap him. I keep hearing the things he said that night, about how he wasn't ready for marriage and he sure as hell wasn't ready for babies. I can't force him into something I know in my heart that he doesn't want. I couldn't live like that."
Maggie was silent as she debated her next statement; but finally she spoke it aloud, figuring the options needed to be discussed. "If you are pregnant...you don't have to have it."
Johanna's eyes widened at the implication of the statement. "No! Never! I could never get rid of my baby! I'll raise it alone if I have to but I won't do that!"
Maggie held up a hand. "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you; I didn't think for a moment that you would do that; I wouldn't either…I was just reminding you of options."
"I know," she murmured. "I didn't mean to snap at you."
Maggie patted her hand. "It's okay; I understand. This is a huge thing you might be facing; I can take a little snapping."
"I keep thinking about the worst case scenarios, you know? I won't force him into a marriage I know he doesn't want…and then there's the chance he might not want anything to do with it at all…and that's okay, I wouldn't force him…but I keep thinking about everything a baby and I would have to go through. Roche would probably fire me…and I most likely wouldn't be able to get another job until after I had the baby…and it probably wouldn't be in the legal field. I could live off what I have in the bank for awhile but it wouldn't last forever with a baby to buy diapers and formula for. What would I do? Go back to waitressing? Pray that my parents might let me move back home for awhile until I got sorted out? I keep thinking about how they'd look at me…I don't know if I could bear it. I'd…I'd probably have to take my baby and go start over somewhere else."
Maggie moved closer and pulled her into a hug. "Don't go thinking all that right now; you don't even know for sure if you're pregnant and there's a 50% chance that you're not. I know telling you not to worry is futile…because I'd be worried sick too; but just try not to let your mind run away with you too much in the area of those worst case scenarios, okay? I get not telling Jim right now; it's probably best to wait until you really have something to tell. I'd do the same thing. Call first thing Monday morning and demand that they get you in that day. Tell them you can't wait any longer to know what's going on. You'll have to wait a day or two for the test results, but at least you'll know it's done."
Johanna eyed her friend. "You kind of sound like you've been through that wait before."
Maggie's gaze dropped to the floor for a moment as she expelled a heavy breath. "There was a time in college when I missed a few periods and got scared…I had been with this guy for a short while…I was crazy about him…and he was only crazy about using me until the next girl came along."
"I know that feeling," Johanna remarked. "We shouldn't have been allowed to date anyone in college."
"Yeah," Maggie said with a soft laugh. "It would've spared us all a lot of heartache. Anyway; I got scared…so I called a clinic and went in…they let me use a fake name so no one would know what I'd been there for. It took two days for the results to come back. I was so relieved that it was negative. I was nineteen; I didn't have any business having a baby at that age…and my father would've killed me. Doctor said it was stress; that if I took some pressure off my cycle would come back. I dropped a class I was having trouble with and cut back my hours at the store I was working at and within two months I was back on track. It scared me off intimacy for a good while, though."
"Did you tell anyone?"
Maggie shook her head. "No; I've never told anyone but you…not even Jeff. He thinks I've always taken birth control pills to regulate my periods. I don't tell him it was because I had a scare once."
"The secret is safe with me," Johanna assured her.
"Yours is safe with me too. No matter what; it'll be okay," Maggie told her.
"I hope so," she murmured, her arms wrapping around her midsection. She didn't know what she'd do if things weren't okay.
"Did something happen at the office on Friday that I need to know about?" Jim asked Jeff as they sat in the stands at the football game.
Jeff thought about it for a few moments. "Steve tripped and wiped out the coffee pot in the break room; we have to bring our own coffee on Monday."
He shook his head. "No, not that. I mean did something happen involving Johanna that I need to know about?"
Jeff thought it over once more. "No; I don't recall anything involving Sassy, and Maggie hasn't mentioned anything so I'd say she had a normal day as far as I know. Why?"
"She's acting weird."
"Did she say something happened at work?"
"No, she said work was fine."
"Is it you?" Jeff asked. "Did you cancel a date or miss some sort of anniversary…forget something you were supposed to do?"
"No," Jim replied. "I've been wracking my brain but I can't come up with anything I did or didn't do…besides, she'd probably tell me if it was me."
"Maybe, maybe not; you know how women are. Have you done something that you didn't want her to know about that she might've found out about anyway?"
He shook his head. "Not that I know of."
Jeff took a sip of his soda. "Have you asked her why she's being weird?"
"Yeah; she says she doesn't feel good."
"You don't believe her?"
"I believe her; there's plenty of evidence that she doesn't feel good…but it feels like there's something more. She's just not herself; she's staying with me but acted like she didn't want much to do with me part of the night; one minute she seems okay, the next she's in one hell of a mood."
"Hmm," Jeff said. "She must've gotten her period."
"That would explain the crabbiness and the mood swings," Jim remarked. "But why wouldn't she just say so? She has before."
His friend shrugged. "You know how women are; sometimes they think they can hide it or something. Like Maggie, once a month she tells me 'don't come over for the next three days' and I know that's code for 'the iceberg is here, find your lifeboat and abandon ship'."
Jim laughed. "Johanna usually just tells me, it's the wrong week of the month, if you're thinking about pissing me off, don't; it won't be pretty."
Jeff gave a nod. "You can't be any clearer than that…and Maggie of course. Those girls are good at making things known when it suits them, even if they sugar coat it a little at times. That's probably what the trouble is though; maybe it caught her off guard; once in awhile Maggie gets caught off guard. They get busy with other things and lose track of the days."
"But still, they could just say so."
"I know that and you know that, but you know how women are," Jeff remarked. "They claim that we blame all of their bad moods on their lady problems…and really, aren't 99 percent of their bad moods in relation to their lady problems?"
Jim nodded. "Sounds about right; although maybe we could knock it down to 97 percent to allow for work disturbances."
"Fair enough," his friend replied. "They get all uptight if you mention that it might be their problem. Maggie was in a hellacious bad mood several months ago. I said to her 'is this your pms talking?' and I'm telling you, you would've thought I killed someone by the way she went off like a damn rocket. She was yelling 'you men blame every bad mood a woman has on that' and I made the mistake of saying 'well isn't that usually the case?'"
"What did she say to that?"
"Nothing…she threw a box of cereal at me. If I hadn't ducked, I'm sure she would've taken my head off with it."
Jim laughed. "Jo hasn't thrown anything at me yet."
"She will," Jeff assured. "Just give her time."
"She did slap me on New Years though, remember? She wasn't happy to wake up with me and I didn't take the hint and kissed her anyway."
His friend nodded. "Yeah; I remember you telling me about that. Sassy was hot under the collar that holiday."
"Maybe she was having lady problems and I didn't realize it because we weren't together then."
"That very well could be," Jeff remarked. "She was in a bad mood."
Jim was quiet for a moment. "So you really think that's all it is right now?"
"Yeah; she's probably just got a bad case of lady problems," he replied. "Sometimes those hormone things of theirs gets out of whack and it makes them worse than usual…that's why Maggie throws cereal and Jo doesn't want you to look at her."
Jim nodded. "That makes sense. I guess I haven't been too deeply involved in these issues with other women…I usually just went away for a few days when they'd drop the hint."
"Same here," Jeff remarked; "But I've been with Maggie for a good while now; I've learned…and I know a bad case of lady problems when I hear it. She'll be okay…she'll probably bite your head off for a few days but she'll be fine."
"Yeah; I guess having our heads bit off once in awhile is just a sacrifice we have to make."
"It is if we want to keep our women."
"They ought to invent something to make this easier for them so we don't all have to suffer," Jim stated.
"I'm with you on that one, buddy. It gets rough at times…they should make some kind of pill where it only lasts for a day and the pill will knock them out…so when they wake up it's over."
Jim nodded. "That's not a bad idea."
"If only we could invent it….we have two test subjects at home."
"I don't know if they'd be anxious to help us out…they might throw things."
"True," Jeff replied. "We'd have to wait and surprise them with the news right before it's marketed."
Jim took a sip of his soda and grew thoughtful once more. "What if it isn't lady problems?"
"Then she'll either tell you when she's ready or she'll work it out for herself. Maybe she had another fight with Sharon."
"She'd tell me if that happened," he replied.
"Maybe, maybe not; I still say it's that time of the month…and probably some little spat with Sharon mixed in. Just give her a few days to straighten out. Don't worry too much right now; she might even have a touch of a bug and it's making her more miserable than usual. She'll be fine."
Jim exhaled a heavy breath. He hoped she'd be fine…he couldn't fix the problem if he didn't know what it was.
As Jim stepped up to the door of his building, Maggie stepped outside. Her eyes widened slightly at the unexpected sight of him. "Jim," she said; her tone just a little too light to his ears, putting him on alert.
"Maggie," he replied, eyeing her suspiciously. "What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"
She shook her head. "No; Jo and I were talking on the phone for a few minutes and I just decided to come over so we could talk in person."
"She told me she still wasn't feeling well today."
"She's not," Maggie remarked. "That's another reason I came over…you know, in case she started feeling worse."
"Uh huh," he said, disbelief coloring his tone. "What's going on, Maggie? What isn't she telling me?"
"Nothing," she answered. "Don't be so suspicious."
"I kind of feel like I have a reason to be."
"Because I came to visit her? Is she not allowed to have guests at your place? I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds."
Jim shook his head. "I wasn't insinuating that; you can visit Johanna here anytime you want. I just feel like something's going on with her."
"Don't be silly. We just decided to have a little low key girls day while you guys were at your game."
"Aren't you afraid you'll catch what she has?" he asked.
Maggie scoffed. "No; catching it would mean I might get to take a few days off and I'm not that lucky. I'm sure it's just a little bug anyway; she'll be fine in a few days. Don't worry so much."
"I'll stop worrying when she feels better and starts acting like herself again," Jim told her.
"She's fine," she stated once more. "Where's Jeff?"
"On his way to your place," he answered. "He's under the impression that you'll have dinner ready."
Maggie's brow rose. "I was under the impression that he was taking me out tonight."
"I guess you both got the wrong impression then," Jim remarked.
"Apparently so," she said. "I guess I better go home and straighten it out."
Jim helped her hail a cab and then went into the building, still feeling like something was amiss with Johanna…and that it wasn't totally lady problem related as Jeff had almost convinced him.
When he entered his apartment, the living room was empty but he could hear movement in the kitchen. Jim headed in that direction, pausing on the threshold to observe Johanna as she put water on for tea and then turned to table where a small bowl of potatoes was waiting to be peeled. She caught sight of him and jumped, her thoughts had muddled her brain so much that she hadn't heard him enter the apartment. "Hey," she said softly. "When did you get home?"
"Just now," Jim answered as he moved into the kitchen while she took a seat at the table.
"How was your game? Did your team win?"
"No; but it was a good game anyway. How are you feeling?"
Johanna frowned. "Still not all that good; sometimes it feels like it's easing up and then it doesn't."
He nodded. "I see you had company today."
Her gaze flicked to his as she peeled a potato. "Yeah; Maggie came over."
"I know, I saw her outside."
She looked at him oddly for a moment and then realized that she had never asked if she could invite her friends over to his apartment. "I know I should've asked first if I could've had company here but it was spur of the moment thing. I'm sorry."
"I don't care if you have company here."
"Are you sure? You seem like something's wrong."
"I just thought if you weren't feeling well that you'd get some rest," he remarked.
"Sitting in the living room talking to Maggie wasn't strenuous and I didn't feel like taking a nap. Just because I don't feel good doesn't mean I have to be chained to a bed, does it?"
"No; but I want you to get better."
"It's just a little bug."
Jim sighed deeply and sat down at the table with her. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong besides not feeling well?"
"Yes!" she said in exasperation.
"There's not anything I need to know?"
"No; not at the moment."
"Not at the moment?" Jim asked.
Johanna exhaled a heavy breath. "Yeah; meaning there's nothing you need to know at the moment but when I have something, you'll be the first to know, okay?"
"I see you're still cranky."
"Are you surprised?" she asked. "You did tell me once that I was a horrible patient."
"I was hoping you'd be better about it this time, since we're together now."
Johanna smiled a little. "Sorry to disappoint you; I'll try to curb my crankiness. If I can't, I'll go home so you don't have to deal with it. I probably should've done that anyway. I don't want you getting sick."
"I never get sick."
"Yeah; you said that before and then got sick right after I did," she reminded him. "You better hope you didn't jinx yourself."
"I'll be fine," Jim stated. "It's you who gives me cause for concern."
"I'll be fine too, I promise."
"You're not in some kind of trouble, are you?" he asked.
Her eyes widened in surprise. "What are you talking about? What kind of trouble would I be in?"
Jim shrugged. "I don't know; you tell me."
"I'm not in any trouble," she shot back.
"You're not having any problems with clients or opponents…other colleagues."
"No, Jim," she sighed in exasperation. "Everything at work is fine. God, you have to stop watching so many cop shows if a little stomach bug is making you this suspicious."
"I know you, Johanna…I know when something is wrong."
"Something is wrong, I don't feel good and you want to make some federal case about it. Why are you being like this? Why isn't my word good enough? Your word is good enough for me."
"Don't turn this around on me," Jim remarked. "You're the one who's acting weird."
"I'm sorry I'm not 100 percent myself when I'm sick," she retorted as she dropped the potato back into the bowl. "I really don't like this interrogation that you seem to be pushing, I feel like I need to call a lawyer and I haven't even done anything."
"You're getting defensive."
"I usually do when people keep acting like I've committed some crime."
"It's not like that, Jo. I just want to know what's going on."
"And I told you!" she exclaimed, slamming her palms against the table before she rose from her chair.
"Where are you going? I thought you were making dinner?"
"I changed my mind, make your own dinner," Johanna stated. "I'm going home."
Jim got up from his chair and hurried after her as she headed to the hall closet to get her purse and jacket. "Jo, don't go," he said, softening his tone as he reached out and clamped a hand on her jacket, keeping her from putting it on.
"I think I need to so I don't get interrogated every five minutes if I don't act the way you think I should."
"I can't help worrying about you."
"I worry about you too but I don't treat you like a witness on the stand. I wouldn't do that to you when you don't feel well."
Jim blew out a frustrated breath. "Alright," he said gentling his tone. "I said I'd let you be last night and I've gone back on that promise. I'm sorry. If you'll stay like you're supposed to, I won't interrogate you anymore and I'll order us something for dinner again, okay?"
"You promise?" she asked, eyeing him warily.
"Yeah, I promise," he told her; quietly accepting that he had to let this thing drop. If there was something wrong that she wasn't telling him, pushing her about it would only make her keep it to herself longer. He needed to pull back and let her be.
Johanna contemplated it for a moment and then put her jacket back in the closet. "I'll cook dinner," she said quietly.
"You don't have to; we can order something…you can cook tomorrow if you feel like it; you said you weren't going to your mom's so I'm not going to mine either."
She gave him a small smile and nodded. "Okay; we'll order something tonight and I'll cook tomorrow. I'll probably feel a little better tomorrow."
Jim nodded. "At least we can hope so."
Jim and Johanna spent the rest of the weekend under an air of strain that she desperately tried to ease. Her efforts to prove that nothing more was wrong than her illness only served to further convince Jim that there was something going on beneath the surface. He pressed once again, trying to provoke her into telling him what was going on in her head but she held onto her temper and stuck to her story. No amount of cuddling up to him and light hearted conversations could convince him that she wasn't hiding something, although he didn't come right out and accuse her with those words. He was trying to be cautious but he had to admit that he was annoyed…and that a small flicker of anger was beginning to lick his veins. Johanna must've sensed that, he mused as he stood in her living room Sunday evening, because she had pulled back from her efforts to smooth things over.
"Do you want to stay?" Johanna asked as Jim lingered near the door; his gaze glued to her in an assessing manner. "You can if you want, I don't mind."
"Are you sure about that?" he replied. "You seemed kind of anxious to leave me all weekend; you did threaten to come home a few times."
"That's because you were being more of a lawyer than my boyfriend," she remarked. "You kept asking me the same questions over and over like I was some witness on the stand that you were hoping to break."
Jim took the remark in stride. "You've been known to interrogate on occasion yourself."
"And you have every right to tell me to stop any time I do that," she replied as she crossed her arms over her waist.
"When I think something is wrong, I try to find out what it is."
"You know what's wrong," Johanna told him. "I don't feel well; and when I don't feel good, I'm bitchy. If something else comes along that you need to know about, I'll tell you."
Jim eyed her; feeling as though the remark was some kind of slip up; that she was already planning for a moment when she'd have to tell him something…and maybe it would be something he wouldn't like. "Like what?" he asked.
Her brow furrowed. "What do you mean, like what?"
"Just what I said; you said that if something comes along that I need to know, you'll tell me…but what does that imply exactly? What has to come along for you to tell me?"
Johanna shrugged; her stomach churning. "It was just a general statement; if there's something that you need to know, whether it be big or small, I'll tell you…there's nothing to tell right now other than what you know. You need to cut back on those cop shows, honey; they're starting to get to you."
"Maybe you get to me," he retorted.
A slow smile spread across her lips as she moved closer and clutched his jacket, brushing her lips against his. "You say that like it's a bad thing," she said saucily.
He looked into her eyes and melted a little, his hands circling her waist to keep her near. "It's not a bad thing at all…but I guess sometimes you give me cause to worry."
"I'm okay…if I stop being okay, I'll tell you; you have my word."
He exhaled a heavy breath; whatever it was she was stewing over she was keeping close to the vest like a poker player with the winning hand. "Alright, sweetheart, if you say so."
"Are you staying tonight?"
Jim shook his head. "No; I better go home and look over some things for court tomorrow. I'll be here to pick you up and drive you to work though."
"Alright," she replied; unsure of whether to be disappointed or relieved. On one hand she didn't want to be alone with her thoughts and worries and on the other hand she also didn't want to face more of his questioning and studious gazes…but as he kissed her and then moved to the door, she wished he'd stay.
"Are you sure you want to go?" she found herself asking.
"You know I never really want to," he answered as he turned back to face her. "Do you want me to stay?"
"I always do…but I understand if you want some time to review for your case. I'm guilty of taking some time alone to do that too. I guess I just always hate to see you leave."
Jim gave her a small smile and moved back in her direction pulling her into his arms. "I know the feeling," he said before kissing her. "But I'll be back in the morning. You get a cup of tea and go to bed; you need to get some rest so you can shake whatever this is that's got a grip on you, sweetheart."
Her lips curved upwards in a soft smile. "Okay; you're the boss, I'll follow orders and go tuck myself in after getting my tea and a shower."
"Good girl," he stated before stealing one more kiss. "I love you."
"I love you too; be careful getting home."
"I will," he promised. "I'll see you in the morning."
Johanna gave a nod and locked the door behind him after they said goodnight. She absorbed the quietness of her apartment as she made her way to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. It felt like the calm before a brewing storm.
A flutter of relief filled Johanna as she hung up the phone Monday morning. She had managed to convince the receptionist to squeeze her into the schedule and she now had an appointment at 3:45 that afternoon. She rose from her desk and crossed the room to the closed door; opening it and stepping into the outer office. Her gaze landed on Sharon who was typing furiously on the typewriter.
"What?" the secretary asked, her gaze straying toward her but her fingers still flying across the keys.
"I need you to reschedule anything I have after one today," Johanna stated; after doing a quick calculation. She wanted to be able to run home and drop off her briefcase and get a quick shower before heading to the doctor's office.
Sharon's hands paused. "Seriously?"
"Yes."
The secretary's gaze flicked to the clock which read 9:18. "You couldn't have told me this first thing this morning so I could've done it first? Or better yet, tell me last Friday? Why are you canceling your afternoon appointments?"
"Because I have another appointment to go to," she answered.
"Can't you reschedule your appointment for a better day and give me more advanced notice?"
"No, I can't," Johanna stated firmly; wishing this would go easily but knowing that it wouldn't because she and Sharon were still somewhat at odds with each other. "This appointment can only be done today. The schedule isn't that packed, Sharon; it shouldn't be a problem."
"Easy for you to say," Sharon grumbled as she pulled out the schedule. "You don't have to listen to them bitch when I call."
"If anyone gives you a problem, connect them to me and I'll take care of it."
"I'm trying to get fifty thousand little things done for you before I leave for my honeymoon next weekend and you just keep adding more."
Johanna sighed but her jaw tightened. "You'll have to get over it. I have to go to this appointment and that's all there is to it. I just found out about it this morning so I'm sorry I couldn't give you more of an advanced notice. Reschedule the meetings for this afternoon and then go back to what you were doing; there isn't that many."
"Fine," Sharon huffed as she began to look up phone numbers. "Have you found someone to fill in for me while I'm on my honeymoon?"
"Mark said I could borrow Frances since he and Cathy will be gone for a month."
"Has Frances agreed to that?" Sharon asked. "She is getting up there in age…do you really want her running your office?"
"France knows what she's doing and she's good at it; if she wasn't, Mark would've let her go awhile back. As for her age, it's just a number to her; she sure as hell hasn't allowed herself to sink into old lady territory. I have talked to her and she said she'd be happy to work for me for two weeks; she'd still be getting two weeks off while Mark is away and she said that's about all she can stand because then her children want her to become babysitter number one all the time. She'll be down here next Friday to go over things with you so that she'll know what needs done and how I like things."
"Okay; if that's what you want," Sharon said with a sigh. "Just don't let her mess up my desk."
"I'll have her pitch a tent in the hallway, okay?" Johanna replied sarcastically.
"You're in a bad mood today," her secretary stated.
"You don't seem to be a ray of sunshine yourself."
Sharon shrugged. "I have to keep cleaning up problems with the wedding planning."
"Sorry to hear that," Johanna said, her tone neutral about the topic.
"I suppose you don't want to help me straighten it out?"
"No, I don't; get your maid of honor to help with that, that's her job."
Her friend blew out a breath and looked up at her, a sharp retort on her lips but she swallowed it back. "What did you want to talk about Saturday?" she asked instead.
Johanna shook her head. "Nothing."
"You said it was important."
"It was…but it's fine, I dealt with it."
Sharon eyed her. "What's going on, Jo?"
"Nothing," she said as she turned back for her office. "Cancel those appointments; I have a few things to finish up. Her temporary need to divulge her worries to Sharon had withered with that one phone call. She had confided in Maggie and that was all the confiding she wished to do on the topic until she knew the results of the test.
This was why you didn't let your boyfriend talk you into having sex in his office after hours, no matter how badly either one of you wanted it; Johanna thought to herself as she met the cool gaze of the nurse who entered the room to draw her blood that afternoon. It was also why after such an encounter that you shouldn't then go back to your place and indulge in a repeat...and then a repeat of the repeat, she mentally added. She released a heavy breath; remaining silent as the nurse, an older woman who wore her gray hair pulled back in a severe bun at the back of her head; gathered the objects she would need to complete her task. Her small gold name tag named her as Nurse Davis; and as her gaze assessed Johanna's bare ring finger, a small disapproving sneer appeared on her thin lips. Johanna felt her cheeks grow warm and a small measure of shame washed over her as the nurse shook her head and reached for her arm.
"You young girls today just have no respect for yourselves. You just give it up to any one who comes along and shows you a little attention."
Indignation flared within her. "It wasn't like that at all," Johanna stated.
The nurse scoffed. "I just bet; let me ask you this, missy; do you think that man is going to marry you now that he's had his fun?"
"He loves me," she replied firmly; although she hated to hear someone voice her fear.
"That's what they all say, honey. You look like you'd be smarter than this but I guess looks can be deceiving."
She narrowed her eyes at the old woman as she punctured her skin with the needle. "You don't know anything about me or my relationship," Johanna remarked coolly. "And there's a fifty percent chance that I'm not even pregnant, so why don't you save your preaching for someone else?"
Nurse Davis smirked as she capped the tube of blood. "It doesn't matter if you're pregnant or not; you're still out acting like a loose woman. In my day, a lady waited until she had a ring on her finger before she gave in to a man."
Johanna couldn't help but let a smirk grace her lips. "It was a mutual giving in."
The nurse clucked her tongue as she removed the needle from Johanna's arm and placed a piece of cotton over the microscopic wound. "You might think it's cute to be flippant now but you just wait. You wait and see what happens if this test comes back positive. You won't think it's funny then... especially when you have to go home and tell your parents what you've been doing in your spare time. I bet they won't be laughing. I bet they'll be ashamed; as they should be."
"Well if they are; then that will be their problem," Johanna retorted as she pushed herself off the table; "And as for you; you shouldn't preach at me about what I do when you're walking around being a rude, judgmental bitch. I doubt they taught you that in nursing school...you're probably being a disgrace to your profession."
The nurse puffed up with indignation. "And just what do you do; Miss McKenzie; besides spend time on your back without the benefit of a wedding band."
Johanna took the jab in stride. "I'm a lawyer," she answered. "Top ten in my class; and I hope that one day someone walks into my office and wants to sue you because that will be one case I'll be thrilled to take on."
"Well I never!" the nurse exclaimed in outraged.
"Maybe that's the problem," she replied with a sassy smile as she picked up her purse. "Maybe you should try to be a little loose; it might improve your disposition...but then again, I doubt it."
"We'll set up an appointment for you to come in on Thursday afternoon to hear your results," Nurse Davis huffed.
Johanna smiled. "Thank you; have a nice day."
The Nurse glared at her as she left the room but Johanna felt little satisfaction. If that test came back positive, she was going to be in for a lot of that behavior from people. It wasn't a pleasant thought…neither was the idea of a three day wait for the results but there wasn't much to do about that now. She sighed as she headed for the door to go schedule her appointment for Thursday. It was going to be a long three days…and Sharon was going to love juggling her schedule on Thursday.
At the end of the day, Jim made the trek to Johanna's office to drive her home from work…and most likely he'd invite himself in for dinner. He squeezed the back of his neck, the case he had in court was a rough one and his schedule had been packed all day. He couldn't wait to collect his girlfriend and go home; it was only Monday and already he needed to unwind. He was also anxious to check and see if Johanna was feeling any better; she had said that morning that she was fine but she had still been a little pale and he hadn't been able to check on her throughout the day.
As he stepped into Johanna's office, Jim took note of the closed door leading to the inner office and then his gaze strayed to Sharon as she slipped into her jacket. "Where's Johanna?" he asked.
Sharon gave him a puzzled look. "She left; she's been gone."
"Since when?"
"Since around one," she answered. "She worked through lunch and then took off; it was probably about ten after one."
"Where did she go?"
"She said she had an appointment that had to be taken care of today."
"What kind of appointment?" Jim asked.
Sharon shrugged. "I don't know; I didn't ask. I assume it's related to a case she's working on."
Jim eyed her with suspicion. "It's not like you not to ask for details, Sharon."
She met his eye as she picked up her purse. "In case you haven't noticed, Johanna and I aren't exactly swapping secrets and recipes these days so…"
"But still," he remarked. "You'd think you're penchant for nosiness would get the better of you."
Sharon shrugged. "Maybe I don't care what her appointment was; I figure since she didn't volunteer any information about it that it was work related and possibly fell under attorney client privilege. If she wants me to know, she'll tell me."
"Did she leave a message for me?"
"No; she didn't mention anything about you."
"Why didn't she call me and tell me?" he asked.
"I don't know, Jim," Sharon said with mild exasperation. "Maybe she thought she'd be back before the end of the day to ride home with you or maybe she just went on home and forgot to call. She didn't seem to be in a chatty mood and since things are bad enough between us at the moment, I didn't ask where she was going or why and it didn't cross my mind to check and see if she got your permission to venture out without you."
"She doesn't need my permission," he said tersely. "I'm worried because she hasn't seemed like herself the last few days. Has something happened that I need to know about?"
"There's nothing that I know about; there hasn't been any problems with clients or court appearances from what I know."
"What about from the jackasses in this building?"
"I haven't heard anything and Phil hasn't heard anything…and if you haven't heard anything, then the chances of a jackass encounter are relatively low. Everyone would know if she had a row with someone. If Johanna has a problem, she'll tell you when she's ready, Jim. Quit acting like Sherlock Holmes and relax; I'm sure that whatever her appointment was, it wasn't anything nefarious. You know how she is when she's working a case, she's focused, determined, methodical, and set on her goal…other details like calling to say 'hey, I don't need a ride home' sometimes slip her mind. Just go wait for her at her place, I'm sure she's probably already there or she will be shortly."
Jim gave a slight nod and said goodnight to Sharon; a knot forming in his stomach as he thought about Johanna's mystery appointment and her lack of information regarding it. Something was going on and he didn't know what it was…he couldn't stand it. Why wasn't she telling him? Was she working on something dangerous? Was she worried about her illness from the weekend or were symptoms the result of whatever was causing her stress at the moment. Or was he reading into things too much and completely blowing this out of proportion? That was always a possibility…but this time he had a feeling that Johanna had a secret that she, for some reason, wasn't sharing with him…and if she didn't tell him soon, he was going to find a way to drag it out of her.
…to be continued
Authors Note: Just a note, because I know someone will probably mention it, but I did some research and home pregnancy tests weren't on the market in the United States until 1977; this story is currently in 1976. Also, keep in mind the year when thinking of Jo's worries about how people would react. From research and talking to people who were around in 70s, these were still very real concerns for an unmarried woman like Johanna. I'll have part 2 finished soon!