Reflections

by evitascarlett

A companion piece to 'Apologize'. Chronicling the lives and love story of Jim and Johanna Beckett through the years. See Authors Note at the beginning of Chapter One for more details! Cover art by LordofKavaka

56. Chapter 56- The Scare Part 2

Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 56-The Scare- Part 2

Jim's curiosity got the best of him when he left the office and he headed to Johanna's apartment. When his knock at her door went unanswered, he used his key and let himself in. "Jo," he called out as he dropped his keys onto the stand and shut the door. He flipped on the lights and moved further into the living room, taking stock of the evidence that she wasn't home yet. The television was off; there was no movement in the kitchen and no scent of recent cooking. He moved down the hallway to the bedroom on the chance that she might still be sick and had opted for a nap. Her bed was empty, her nightgown and robe lying at the foot of it as always in anticipation of her nightly routines.

Jim blew out a breath and moved around the room, his eyes scanning the vanity, dresser and nightstands for any clue to where she had gone and what she was up to. As he moved through the living room doing the same thing, he caught himself and stopped in his tracks. Maybe he did watch too many cop shows and was overly suspicious. He had no right to be looking around like she was up to no good; he didn't think that at all…he just felt like she was hiding something from him for some reason and it worried him. But his worries were no excuse to go snooping…and even though he hadn't gone through the drawers or even picked up anything from the stands, he felt as though that was what he was doing. He grabbed the remote from the coffee table and sat down on the couch; he'd just wait for her to come home and address his questions to her directly.

An hour later, Johanna's key turned in the lock and the door swung open, revealing her as she bent to pick up the market bags that were sitting on the floor. When she rose and saw the lights on and Jim sitting on her couch, she jumped at the unexpected sight and began to drop the bags she had picked up. "Jim; you've got to start putting a damn note on the door telling me you're in here or one day you're going to give me a heart attack," she remarked as she struggled to juggle the bags while he remained planted on the couch.

"Maybe I wanted to catch you off guard," he replied as he eyed her.

Puzzlement furrowed her brow as she swung her heel back to kick the door shut. "Why? Do you enjoy scaring me? Because I have to tell you, I'm not a big fan of having my heart in my throat. I love you and I want you to be here whenever you want but you could at least let me know you're here as I'm walking through the door."

Jim shrugged. "I'll try to improve."

"Good, you work on that since you obviously aren't going to get up and help me with these groceries that I'm sure you're going to help eat."

He got up from the couch and took a few bags from her hands. "I wouldn't want it said I don't earn my keep," he remarked, a touch of tartness in his tone.

"Normally I wouldn't ask you to strain yourself but I figure you owe me for scaring me," Johanna retorted; "And besides, my mother always said a real gentleman was always eager to help a lady."

"Who said I was a real gentleman?"

Johanna sighed as she sat the bags on the table. "Bad day at work, dear?"

"I've had better; where have you been?" Jim asked; the demand for knowledge evident in the firmness of his tone.

Her brow rose as she pulled cans from one of the bags. "Obviously I was at the market."

"Before that. I came to your office to pick you up and was informed that you left a little after one for some appointment."

"Oh, that," she said, a flutter in her stomach as she kept busy with putting things away. "I had some business to take care of; nothing major but it had to be done today."

Jim had a feeling her statement could also be read as a code that meant she didn't wish to discuss her whereabouts. "It took you all this time?"

"No; truthfully I left work a little earlier than I needed to. I came home and ate lunch, I thought maybe I'm eating out too much and maybe that's part of why my stomach is upset. I ate and had a little bit of a break and then headed out again. I was finished before 4:30. I then went to my mother's because she always has a tea she uses for upset stomachs and I wanted her to give me some, which she did," Johanna remarked as she held up a small package she had taken from one of her bags. "While I was with my mother, she said she needed to go to the market and that Dad wasn't going to be home until late because he had a meeting…"

"Must be the day for meetings in the McKenzie family," Jim said, interrupting her.

Her eyes narrowed slightly as she looked at him but she went on with her story, which was the truth, she had gone to her mother's and prayed the whole time she wouldn't slip up and reveal her worries. "Anyway, she said she needed to go to the market, there were things she wanted to get for dinner. She doesn't like to drive in the evenings so I told her I'd drive her in her car because I needed to pick up some things too. When we were done, we went back to the house; I called a cab and came home; satisfied Mr. Mason?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

She gave a short laugh as she put away the eggs. "It means you're acting like Perry Mason and have me on the stand asking for my alibi."

Jim smirked at her. "Well, while you're on the stand, let me ask you this; why didn't you tell me you were leaving early? You know I was going to drive you home like I do every day; so why didn't you call or leave a message?"

Realization dawned on her face. "I'm so sorry, Jim; I didn't think about it."

"It's nice to know I don't cross your mind very often."

"It's not like that at all!" she exclaimed. "I didn't do it on purpose, I just didn't think. I was caught up in work and I just forgot," she said honestly. "I'm sorry, really I am. I didn't mean for it to look like I ran out on you."

"I worry about you, Johanna," he said as he lifted her soda from a bag and put it in the fridge. "Especially when I know you haven't been feeling well and haven't seemed like yourself."

"I know," she sighed. "I really didn't mean to worry you, I swear I didn't. I just wasn't thinking I guess."

She seemed sincere in the fact that she had been forgetful and that not calling him hadn't been premeditated, so Jim decided to let that topic drop. "How are you feeling?" he asked instead.

Johanna shrugged a little as she took bread out of a market bag. "Not as bad as I did over the weekend but still not all that good either. I'm kind of…blah."

"Blah?" Jim repeated. "I wasn't aware that was a medical term."

"I'm sorry; I'll go to the library and check out a medical book so I can give you a precise diagnosis of my malaise the next time you ask," Johanna replied as she put away the last few items.

He gave a quiet laugh. "I see sarcasm is running a little high today."

"It comes with the territory of feeling blah," she remarked, grabbing a glass from the cupboard so that she could get a drink. "What do you want for dinner?"

"Dinner?"

"I assume if you're standing in my kitchen at dinner time that you want to be fed."

"I came here to find out where you were and what was going on."

Johanna frowned. "You make it sound like I was out knocking over a convenience store or something."

"I do not," Jim remarked. "I told you; I was worried, I wanted to know where you were."

"And I told you, I had business to take care of…so are you eating or not?"

"I guess so."

Johanna eyed him. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

"Why wouldn't I want to?"

"I don't know; you seem to be in a strange mood," she replied as she took a bowl of leftover vegetable soup from the refrigerator. "Are you staying tonight?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Don't I always?"

"Usually…but we're talking about tonight."

Johanna gave him a puzzled look. "Why would tonight be any different than any other night?"

"You tell me," Jim replied, holding her gaze.

She rolled her eyes. "Jim, you really have to stop looking at me like I'm living a secret criminal life or something. I don't know what's gotten into you but it needs to stop."

"I could say the same thing to you," he retorted. "You're the one who's been acting weird."

"Oh my God," Johanna muttered. "I should've stayed at my mother's. You're being impossible all because of a damn virus and a forgotten phone call. I didn't know I had to report every tidbit of my life and personal thoughts to you for you to approve. You're starting to sound like Phil and that's not attractive at all!"

"Don't insult me!" Jim exclaimed. "I can't help it that I can't play stupid well enough to satisfy you, Johanna."

"There's no reason for you to be carrying on so much," she retorted while she dumped the soup into a pot on the stove. "Give it a rest."

"I'll stop acting this way when you stop acting the way you are! I know when you're being secretive!"

Johanna slammed the spoon down on the stove. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe sometimes a woman just likes to keep something personal to herself? Is there a law somewhere that says a woman has to announce every thought or feeling that she has? Do you tell me every little thing that floats through your head on a daily basis?"

"So you're admitting that there's something wrong," Jim remarked.

"No!" she all but yelled. "Nothing's wrong with the exception of you treating me like some kind of suspect! When something is wrong, I'll tell you!" That was all the truth as far as she was concerned; there was nothing wrong unless the test came back positive; and if it did, then she'd tell him immediately; until then, it was her knowledge to keep.

"We already had that discussion," Jim replied.

"Then stop doing it!" she said in exasperation.

"Quit giving me reason to and I will."

Johanna was quiet for a moment as she bit her lip. "You know how you always need space? Well I think I need some space tonight; go home."

Jim stared at her for a second, wondering how this had gotten so out of control. "Can I eat dinner first?" he asked.

The question caught her off guard and a smile began to tug at her lips, a case of giggles quickly following it. Jim laughed with her, moving closer as they felt the tension in the room ease. "Is that a yes?" he inquired as his hands slipped around her waist.

For whatever reason, the comment had quelled the brewing storm and she allowed her hand to glide against his chest in a caress. "Yeah; you can eat dinner."

Jim captured her lips in a long, fiery kiss. "Maybe I can talk you in to letting me stay the night," he murmured, brushing his lips against her jaw line.

She melted against him as he captured her lips in another searing kiss. He could stay forever if he wanted to, she thought to herself. "You can stay," she whispered.

"That didn't take as much persuading as I thought it would," Jim remarked; his mouth skimming against her neck as his fingers caught hold of a pearl like button on her white blouse.

Johanna gently caught his fingers and pulled them away from her buttons. She would love nothing more than to let him take her to bed and wipe her thoughts away for awhile, but she still didn't feel all that great and she had that dark cloud of worrying hanging over her. "You can stay, but I'm not up for that, honey," she said gently, pulling back from him.

Disappointment flicked across his features; he had hoped maybe a long night of making up from whatever there problem was would smooth things over and serve as a reset, but apparently that course of action was out the window.

"I'm sorry," she said softly as he remained silent, his gaze upon her. "But I'm still not feeling completely better."

Jim cupped her face and brushed a soft kiss against her lips. "It's alright; I understand…but I'm staying anyway."

"Good," Johanna said as she gave him one more kiss and then slipped away from him to tend to the soup.

Jim moved to the table to watch her, some of the tension was dialed back but he was still worried…something was wrong whether she wanted to admit it or not.

---

The atmosphere seemed more settled between them for the rest of Monday night, Jim mused on Thursday morning as he sat at his desk; but his worry hadn't abated. In fact, he was sure it had increased a little when he woke up at 3:30 Wednesday morning and found Johanna sound asleep in bed beside him. She hadn't been there when he went to bed. He had woke her to ask when she had gotten there and what was wrong. The answer he had received was a sleepy mumble of 1:30 and because she missed him…and then she had gone back to sleep and he had let her be, knowing they had to get up for work and that she needed her rest as much as he needed his; although he did give her the usual 'you shouldn't be out that late at night' lecture at breakfast. He had gone home to her place on Wednesday night as usual; and while she did her best to tiptoe around the fact that she clearly knew he was still worried, he could tell that she was trying a little too hard to act like she was fine and there were moments when she seemed lost in her thoughts.

She had clung to him in her sleep; which wasn't unusual…but her hold was tighter, her sleep somewhat restless. He had a feeling they'd both feel better if she'd quit being so damn stubborn and just tell him what was going on in her head. It seemed like a lost cause in some ways but he was determined that eventually he'd get her to spill whatever it was. She had been even more preoccupied at breakfast that morning and on the drive to work as well. Her kiss and hug in the elevator on their way to their offices seemed to linger in a different way than usual. He was worried that maybe she was working on a case that was causing her some kind of personal fear. He'd give her until the end of the week to tell him what it was…and if she didn't; well, he hated to say it but he was going to find a way to make her, even if it meant blowing things up between them, because he couldn't stand not knowing…not being able to soothe or help her. She had to learn that she didn't have to be a tough girl all the time who thought she could take care of everything on her own. She had to learn to let him help all the time, not just some of the time.

---

"It's going to be fine," Maggie assured as she sat across the table from Johanna that afternoon as they had lunch.

Johanna toyed with her napkin, nervously rolling the edge of it with her fingertips as she thought of her appointment that afternoon. "I hope so."

"Even if it turns out that you are pregnant, it doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing does it? Think about it…a baby…a little baby for you to love; that can't be bad, can it?"

"No, of course not," Johanna murmured, thinking of those warmer thoughts of motherhood that flicked though her mind at times since the weekend. "I've tried not to let myself think too much about that though."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

Maggie eyed her. "You're afraid if you think about it, you'll want it?"

She said nothing, afraid to dig too deeply in that box. Her emotions were already conflicted…she had already had some warm fuzzy thoughts…she shouldn't dwell on the possibility of a positive result being good.

"You know that no matter how difficult it would be in the scheme of the outside world, you'd love your baby."

"I know…I would love my child with every fiber of my being. It's just very scary to be facing this."

"I get that…you know that I do; and while I really don't think you need to worry; maybe you should try to think positively about a baby just in case there is one. Let's look at the positives; you're not in high school or college; you have your degree, you have a job, some money in the bank, you have friends and family that will be here for you. Jim may or may not bulk at first, but I think in the end he'll be there in one way or another. It might get rough but you'll make it; you'll find a way, you always do…so try to think positively about the other side of the coin and try not to worry so much."

That was easy for her to say, Johanna thought to herself; worry was her constant companion these days. She wanted to think positively about a baby…little daydreams of one sometimes crept in but her fear always quickly chased them away. A high pitched squeal from across the restaurant drew her attention and she caught sight of a baby sitting in one of the restaurant's wooden high chairs. A small smile touched her lips as she watched the baby excitedly eating the applesauce his mother was feeding him. He was adorable, but then again, most of them were. Thoughts of her adorable nephew entered her mind; Greg had just turned two, he was growing so fast, his vocabulary expanding rapidly, mischievousness beginning to shine in his eyes. She had watched him hit all of his babyhood milestones and now he was tackling toddler milestones. She was so glad to be apart of his life, to watch him grow and learn; he amazed her in so many ways and she was so thankful that Frankie and Valerie allowed her to babysit, spoil and visit whenever she wanted.

She could still remember how it had felt to cuddle Greg that first time…how it felt to hold that little eight pound bundle close, breathing in his soft scent and kissing the dark hair that covered his small head. She remembered running her fingertips across his tiny little fingers, feeling them curl around hers…kissing his small fist and his adorable little feet…the moment his eyes flicked open and met hers. She could recall that warm gush of love that washed over her as she held him in her arms. A shaky sigh crossed Johanna's lips, longing coursing through her. Babies were nice…they were wonderful…warm and cuddly and they loved you unconditionally. She glanced down at the napkin she was still toying with, thinking about those toothless smiles, soft coos and the feel of a sleeping baby nestled close to your heart.

"Jo," Maggie said, breaking into her thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"

"Babies," she murmured; a blush staining her cheeks at being caught.

"What about them?"

"They're nice."

Maggie nodded. "Yeah, they are. What would you name it?"

"Maggie!" she exclaimed. "Isn't it a little soon to be picking names? I don't even know the results yet."

Her friend laughed. "It's never too soon and besides, you and I both know that all girls start planning their weddings and naming their children when they're about twelve."

"That's true," Johanna replied. "We're all guilty of that."

"So what would baby girl Beckett be named?"

"I believe unmarried women are forced to give their child their name and not the name of their father so technically it would be baby girl McKenzie."

"Only if Jim doesn't marry you before you're in the delivery room," Maggie said with a wave of her hand. "Now what are we naming her?"

"Katharine," Johanna answered. "It's always been Katharine in my mind…I've always planned to name my daughter after Katharine Hepburn."

Maggie smiled. "A classy name with the possibility for a cute nickname like Katie or Kate. What about a name for a boy?"

"I'm not sure," Johanna admitted. "I always change my mind about boys names. I used to think about Jacob but then disregarded that name. I like Patrick in honor of my grandfather but that's Greg's middle name…and my father and brother's middle names as well…and I wouldn't want someone calling him Pat; I know my grandfather hated that nickname."

"What about William?" Maggie suggested.

She grimaced. "Jim has a brother named William and he's an ass."

"That's out then," her friend replied. "What about Richard?"

"Nah; people would call him tricky Ricky and I don't want my son having to live with that on the playground. I know how that works, having a name that ends with 'Anna' has the misfortune of being paired with banana and it's not pleasant."

"How do you think I feel? There was a boy in grade school who called me gaggy Maggie."

"You should've punched him," Johanna replied.

"I did…I was probably the only kid to ever get suspended from the fourth grade."

She laughed. "I'm sure it was worth the distinction."

Maggie picked up her glass to take a drink, a smile on her lips. "Most definitely. How about George?"

"My plant is named George, remember?"

"Right, you don't want to name your baby after a plant and George is kind of stuffy for a kid."

"True; people might call him Georgie Porgie too."

Maggie chuckled. "Let's see, definitely not Philip."

"Oh hell no; and not Stanley or Steven or Charles…"

"Michael?"

"Jim has a brother and a nephew named Michael."

"Oh that's right, I forgot; he has a brother Andrew too, right?"

"Yes; so that's out as well. We can't use Jeffery either, you might need that one."

Maggie laughed. "Maybe one day. I like the name Brandon too."

"That's cute, but I won't use it since you like that one for you."

"Well I guess you can name him after his daddy…you can have little Jimmy Jr."

Johanna gave a short laugh. "He might not want it named after him."

"Well then I'm running out of ideas…how about Paul?"

"God no; that's my brother-in-law's name."

"Joseph?"

"Sounds too similar to my name…same nickname too."

"True," Maggie agreed. "Isn't there anything that hasn't been used…or isn't the name of someone we hate?"

She sighed and wracked her brain. "What about Christopher?"

"That could work…but it's awfully popular lately," Maggie replied. "Seems like every birth announcement you see lately has the name Christopher attached."

"I hadn't thought of that," Johanna admitted. "What about Jonathan?"

"That's cute; Nathan is cute too."

"Oh, how about Nicholas?" Johanna suggested.

"Nah," Maggie said with a wrinkle of her nose. "That's the name of the kid I punched."

Johanna laughed. "I'm crossing that one off then. I like Jeremy for a boy; what do you think of that?"

"I like it; go with either Jeremy or Jonathan…keep the J theme alive since your name and Jim's both start with that letter."

She grimaced. "No; that's too cliché; those names are out now."

"You better hope for a girl," Maggie remarked.

Johanna smiled. "I would like to have a girl."

"We'll keep our fingers crossed."

"We're supposed to be keeping them crossed for the results to be negative."

"We are, but if the result should be positive, we'll keep our fingers crossed for a girl since you've already named her."

"A little girl would be so wonderful," she mused aloud. "But little boys can be sweet as well…"

Maggie laughed. "If you got to pick, which would you pick?"

"A girl," she said without hesitation. "But I would love either one."

"I know you would."

Silence fell across table for a moment, Johanna retreating back into her thoughts. "Shawn," she finally remarked. "Shawn McKenzie."

Maggie glanced at her. "Shawn Beckett; Jim won't have it any other way; regardless of is the wedding happens before or after birth."

"I would prefer it to be Beckett," she admitted.

"It will be…if there's call for it."

"Right," Johanna replied; but her mind was already trying to rebel against the negative thoughts of a positive result. She sighed deeply, her mind overwhelmed with the stress of it all; she couldn't wait for this to be over.

---

Johanna walked through the door of her apartment early that evening and quietly shut it behind her, locking it and then throwing her keys on the stand. She didn't bother to turn on the lights as she made the trek to her bedroom, kicking off her shoes by the vanity and dropping her purse on the bed. She went to the dresser and took out what she needed and headed to the bathroom. She dumped some strawberry scented bubbles into the tub and turned on the hot water, allowing it to run as she retreated back to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. Johanna sat the glass on the side of the bathtub and shed her clothes, wondering why she always felt the urge to bathe when her mind was in turmoil. She left her clothes in a heap on the floor and sunk into the warm water full of its fragrant bubbles.

Johanna took a long sip of wine and then leaned her head back against the tub, concentrating on the feel of the warm water lapping against her skin and the silence of her apartment. Usually it unnerved her…but today when her mind was so full, she welcomed it. She should be relieved…relief was what she expected to feel as the doctor sat at his desk and read over the report detailing the results of her tests. She should've been on cloud nine hearing him say the words 'not pregnant'. She had felt some relief, the fear that she had been living under had dissipated, the tension easing in her body as the doctor went on to tell her that she had a touch of the virus going around, that nothing from her blood work and his exam of her hinted that anything was wrong, that her cycle was most likely delayed due to stress and the virus she had picked up. He told her to relax and it would come back…and then he had lectured her about being a responsible young lady and pushed the prescription for birth control pills across the desk, telling her if she was going to behave the way she obviously had been, she best take them to spare herself the worry in the future.

She hadn't refused the prescription…in fact she had gotten the prescription filled after leaving the office and the slim pack was shoved into her purse for the time being. She sighed deeply…she should be relieved…and yet there was this crushing disappointment sitting upon her heart. It didn't make any sense…she wasn't supposed to want it…but a part of her that she had kept suffocated had wanted there to be baby. She hadn't fully realized it until her wandering had led her to stand in front of a baby boutique before her appointment. Standing there in front of that window, looking in at all the little baby things, she had taken Maggie's advice and had begun to think positively about it…she allowed herself to indulge in those worrisome wayward thoughts she had been shoving aside all week. Having a baby might've been terrifying…it would've changed everything and brought her some grief from the world at large…but she would've loved her baby. Regardless of whether things had worked out with Jim or not, she would've loved her child and given it everything she had. She would've made things work.

The first tear broke free and slipped from beneath her lashes, sliding slowly down her cheek. She breathed deeply, exhaling a shaky breath as more tears began to fall. There had been that quiet part of her that wanted the baby. The baby, she scoffed in the quietness of the bathroom. The baby that didn't exist…the one her imagination had created while standing in front of a store window looking in at tiny sleepers and teddy bears and other baby paraphernalia. A sob wracked her body; she was so stupid. She had actually stood there and allowed herself to picture a baby…a perfect little baby that had Jim's blue eyes and her nose…small and warm, cuddly and adorable. She had started picking out sleepers on display…little booties and dresses…she had gone inside the store and looked around, mentally rearranging her bedroom to squeeze in a crib if need be. She had ran her hands over soft baby blankets, allowed herself to smile at the sight of tiny hats and shoes. She allowed herself to believe that there was a baby…she had started preparing and planning just in case. She felt like a damn fool…especially when she thought of that bagfrom the boutique that was shoved in her purse.

Johanna angrily swiped at her tears; the contents of her purse seemed to be at each end of the spectrum; a purchase for a baby she didn't have…and a pack of birth control pills to keep her from having any for awhile. It was all so bizarre…so overwhelming. She had only expected to feel relieved…and she was…and yet there was a multitude of other emotions, that disappointment being one of them, that little voice in the back of her mind whispering what if that had been her only shot at motherhood? Why did it always have to be so complicated? Why had she allowed herself to picture a baby…to think about how good it could be? Why hadn't she just clung to her thoughts of it being the worst thing possible at the moment? It was the wrong time; she knew that…just as she knew that she wasn't ready right now…so why was there such a conflict of emotions over it? She didn't know…all she knew was that she needed to cry and get it out of her system; allow herself to feel all of those pesky things that her brain and heart were pushing at her, making her acknowledge…for some inexplicable reason she had to mourn the loss of something that had never been there to begin with but that she had already started to quietly love.

By the time all of her tears had been shed and she felt like she had properly worked through everything on her mind, the water of her bath had grown cold and her bubbles were nearly gone. Johanna added more water and grabbed her soap; one last sniffle making itself known as the phone rang in the distance. She made no move to get out of the tub and run for it; she didn't care who it was, she wasn't in the mood to talk. She just needed to be alone; needed to make sure she was through falling apart so she could put herself back together. At least she wouldn't have to tell Jim; that was a thought she clung to. She didn't have to tell him; she could just let it fade into the background of her mind.

---

She had done it again, Jim thought to himself as he sat in his car across the street from Johanna's apartment. He had gone to her office to pick her up at the end of the day only to be told by Sharon that she had left early for an appointment…again…and again she hadn't said where she was going; hadn't bothered to call or mention it when he drove her to work. He sucked in a breath and stared up at her window. He had called her three times to check on her and she didn't pick up the phone. Worry had set in and he drove over to see if she was there, but upon seeing the lights on in the windows, he stayed in the car and watched. He saw her pull back the curtain once to look outside at the sound of sirens that had rushed by. Clearly she was fine…she just wasn't answering the damn phone. Anger made him grip the steering wheel as he forced himself not to storm up to her door and demand answers right then and there. It would have to wait; he couldn't fight that battle tonight; it would probably rage fro awhile and they both had court appearances the next day. It would have to wait until after work…but he'd get his answers come early Friday evening; he'd make sure of that. She wasn't getting out of it this time.

---

When Jim arrived at Johanna's apartment the next evening, he used his key and let himself in. He had been stewing over her behavior since the night before and he was boiling. When she called him that morning to say she was running late and would take a cab directly to the courthouse for her morning hearings, his anger had grown. He felt like she was avoiding him and that was going to end now, right along with her secrecy about what was going on over the weekend and all that week.

"Johanna," he called out as he stood in the living room after shutting the door.

"In the bedroom," she answered.

Jim strode down the short hallway with purpose and entered her bedroom to find her hanging up clothes in the closet. "Hey," Johanna said with a smile as she hung up the dress she was holding and moved towards him, brushing a kiss against his lips. "I was starting to think that you forgot it was your weekend to stay with me. How was your day?"

"Fine," he replied tartly; "And I didn't forget, although I debated about coming."

Confusion and a hint of fear flicked across her face. "What's wrong?"

"I want to ask you something," he said as he eyed her.

"What?"

"What's going on with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I'm talking about, Johanna. I want to know what's been going on for the last several days, and don't tell me nothing. I know something isn't right; you've been all over the map with your behavior and when I was here Wednesday you were preoccupied half the time and trying way too hard to pretend nothing was wrong the rest of the time. I'm not stupid so quit treating me like I am. You left work twice this week without a word; last night I call to check on you and you never did answer the phone so I know you were avoiding me. Now all of a sudden it's like someone flipped a switch and you're all fine and happy. What the hell is going on with you?"

"I told you, I didn't feel well," Johanna replied.

"Johanna," he said; his voice somewhat firm, telling her that he was in no mood to play games with her. "The truth; I want it now."

"It is the truth."

"What's the rest of it?" Jim demanded to know; his tone brokering no nonsense. "Don't give me any of your flimsy excuses; just give me the damn truth."

Johanna sighed and ran a hand through her hair, pushing it back from her face as she stepped away and climbed onto her bed, sitting cross legged in the center of it. He wasn't going to let it go until he had an answer. She was going to have to tell him, there was no getting out of it. She took a breath and then looked at him as he stood there facing her, his gaze intently upon her face.

"I thought I was pregnant," she said quietly and bluntly, figuring there was no better way to go about it.

Jim stood there for a second, rolling those words over in his mind, allowing them to sink in. She had been worried that she was pregnant...and she hadn't told him. His anger intensified at the knowledge that she hadn't come to him but that would have to wait, first he had questions to ask and she better have the answers.

"Am I to assume that you're not...pregnant?"

"No, I'm not," Johanna answered, worry evident in her tone as she gauged his reaction.

Jim's jaw remained tense, his hand curled in anger at his side. "What made you think you were? Because you were sick?"

Johanna shook her head. "I was late; feeling sick just added to the possibility…I was nauseated, I threw up a few times."

He tried to keep his temper in check as he went through the checklist in his mind of things to ask. "Are you sure you're not pregnant?" he asked, wondering if that was what her mysterious appointments had been about. "Did you go to the doctor?"

"Yes, I went Monday… I got the results yesterday."

He wanted to allow his rage to flow freely now that he knew she had seen a doctor and the possibility no longer existed; but one question still remained. "Are you okay?" he asked, his anger barely restrained and leaking through his tone. "There isn't anything wrong, is there?"

Johanna gave him a small wobbly smile. "I'm fine," she assured and then dropping her gaze, she added, "I should've waited a few more days...I would've had my answer without the need for a doctor."

It took a moment for him to get the gist of that statement. "It came?"

She nodded. "This morning."

"So what was wrong with you?"

"The doctor said I had a touch of that virus going around…as for my period, it was probably a stress related issue. All my tests came back fine."

Satisfied that the important questions were answered for now, he allowed his anger to flow freely. "Why didn't you come to me, Johanna? Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded to know; his tone so sharp and fierce that she flinched in response to it.

She wrapped her arms around her middle, giving him the impression of a little girl who had just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "I didn't want to worry you," she answered.

He scoffed bitterly. "You don't think I've been worried about you all week? Don't give me a goddamn lousy excuse like that; tell me why, Johanna!"

"I know you worry about me," Johanna said, trying to stay calm in hopes of calming him as well. "But I figured I could worry enough for the both of us until I knew for sure."

He reached out and caught hold of her chin, forcing her to look up at him. "Now tell me the real reason."

Tears pricked at her eyes, he just wasn't going to let it go. He was going to drag it all out of her and there was no point in stalling. "I was afraid," she admitted.

Afraid? Jim thought to himself, how could she possibly fear him? Why would she think that she couldn't come to him about this? "Afraid of what? Me?"

"A lot of things," Johanna answered. "I was afraid of what might happen if I was."

"And what do you think that would've been?"

Her gaze flicked away as his hand fell away from her face. "I don't know," she said as she grappled for the words. "You said you didn't want kids anytime soon... it's not like we talk about those kinds of things a lot. You might not have wanted it."

"Look at me," he demanded, his tone firm and angry. "How could you ever think that I wouldn't want our child, Johanna!"

Her eyes met his once more and he could see the sheen of tears and fear lying in them. "Because you said you didn't want them right now; we broke up over a stupid joke, what was I supposed to think or feel with this staring me in the face?" she cried. "How am I supposed to know how you'll react? How am I supposed to know you'd want it even after you said you didn't want them…a lot of men leave when they feel trapped by an unexpected baby. I was just scared…I wanted to know for sure before I told you."

"I know that there are men who do that," Jim answered, "But I'm not one of them...and I hoped that you would know that, but obviously you don't, although why, I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing, it doesn't feel good to know you think that lowly of me."

Johanna swiped at her cheeks. "I don't think lowly of you; I love you. I was just afraid, Jim; I didn't know how you'd feel...we're not married..."

"What does it matter?" he yelled. "It's not like you're some one night stand. I love you, Johanna. I would love our child, and I would've married you and taken care of you."

"But you see, that's part of the problem," she replied. "I wouldn't want you to feel like you had to marry me. If you marry me one day, I want it to be because you want to marry me, not because we got carried away one night in your office and didn't give a thought to being careful. I don't want to be the woman who gets talked about because she was pregnant at her wedding, and I wouldn't want to spend my life worrying about how you might resent me one day for putting you in that situation."

Jim paced the floor in front of her. "Let's get a few things straight; first of all, I would never feel like I was being forced to marry you when you're the woman I love. Second, I would never blame you if we were in that situation, we were both there, we were both a part of it, and we'd both be responsible. I wouldn't resent you as time went on, Johanna. If things didn't work out, it wouldn't be because I had gotten you pregnant. It would be for some other reason...although what that reason would be, I don't know."

"You can say that now because it hasn't happened," Johanna remarked. "You don't know how you'd feel if things hadn't turned out this way."

"Yes, I do," he answered. "I'd feel just the way I said I would and you ought to know that! I didn't say those things to make you feel bad, or even to make you feel better. I said them because it's the truth; but let me ask you something, do you want kids, Jo? Is that why you didn't want to tell me what you were worried about, you were afraid you were and you didn't want it?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "You know I love babies...I would like nothing more than to have one of my own…one day, when things are right."

Jim felt a flicker of sympathy for her and yet his anger refused to wane, increasing at the thought he might be softening when that was the last thing he wanted to do at the moment. "I just can't believe that you kept this from me, Johanna…and you obviously weren't ever going to tell me, were you?"

"No," she whispered.

He shook his head in aggravation. "Why the hell not?"

"Because there's nothing to tell. I'm not pregnant so there was no reason to bring it up."

"I think there's plenty of reason," he retorted. "This didn't just concern you, it concerns me too. What if you had been pregnant, Jo? Would you have told me then?"

"Of course I would!" she exclaimed; her eyes widening in surprise at the accusation.

"What's wrong, did it offend you that I might think you wouldn't?"

"Yes!"

"Well then you know how I feel now. I feel very offended that you didn't come to me and share your concerns about something that involves both of us. Regardless of whether or not there's a baby, I had the right to know the moment you suspected the possibility that there might be one! It would've been my child too, Jo. It would've been our situation to deal with instead of just yours. I would've been there for you; you didn't have to go through it alone but you shut me out and you lied to me."

"I didn't lie to you," she cried.

"Yes you did; you just said you were sick, you didn't tell me the whole truth…but I bet you told Maggie, didn't you? That's why she was visiting you at my place. You told your friend but you couldn't tell me; you couldn't tell the possible father of your possible child. It was wrong and you know it!"

"I was afraid," Johanna stated once more; tears spilling down her cheeks. "I had to talk to someone who didn't have a stake in it."

"I don't care if you were afraid; you still should've told me. You wouldn't like it if I kept something from you."

"Jim, I'm sorry…I just wanted to be sure before I said anything…especially with the way things were not too long ago when we broke up…we were getting back on track and I didn't want to derail that unless it was necessary."

Jim laughed bitterly. "Well you failed in that endeavor, didn't you? Because you just made everything worse. How could you do something like this! I don't understand you, Johanna. I love you, I give you everything I can, I try to be there for you in every way you need me to be and the thanks I get is you hiding it from me that you might be having my child because it isn't convenient for you to tell me; well I don't give a damn about your excuses. You had no right not to tell me what you suspected. You act like I'm some monster."

"It's not like that at all," she cried. "I don't think that of you, I just…"

Jim raised a hand. "Just stop," he bellowed. "Stop your damn crying and your excuses; I don't want to hear it anymore," he said as he turned on his heel and stormed from her room.

"Where are you going?" Johanna asked as she hurried to follow him.

"I have to get out of here," he stated; "I just can't be here with you right now…I can't even stand to look at you right now. I'm so goddamn angry with you that I can barely see straight and if I don't go, I'm going to say something I'll regret. Don't call me, I'll call you."

"Jim, please…"

"No," he said as he reached for the doorknob. "You can't sweet talk your way out of this one, Johanna."

"I wasn't, I just want to explain…"

"I've heard your explanation!" he yelled; "And it's not good enough and you may as well stop your crying because it isn't getting you anywhere either."

She swallowed back a sob; watching as her relationship crashed and burned around her. Jim jerked the door open and crossed the threshold, slamming it shut behind him. She flinched and her heart broke into a million pieces. He hadn't said that it was over…but it came through loud and clear. She walked back to her bedroom, feeling a weight settle upon her shoulders as she crawled back onto her bed and laid her head on Jim's pillow. She had blown it…and somewhere inside she had known all along that she was screwing up by not telling him. Now she had to pay for her mistake; and she'd possibly be paying dearly with the loss of the man she loved. Her heart ached and the tears fell steadily. She'd never forgive herself for this if she couldn't work it out with him.

---

Jim didn't bother trying to sleep that night; he knew it would be pointless, there was no way sleep could possibly come when he felt so angry. Instead of seeking out his bed, he sat with a bottle of beer clutched in his hand, glowering at the late movie on the television screen. How could Johanna do this to him? How could she keep something like this from him? He gripped the bottle tightly as he ponder the answers to those questions. She claimed fear as her excuse…he was too bothered by the whole thing to care about her supposed fear. How could she be afraid to tell him something? She knew better than that. Was this some sort of revenge for their breakup several weeks before? Jim shook that thought away; Johanna might've kept this from him but he didn't believe for a moment that it was a revenge tactic. No; Jo wouldn't do that; she wasn't that type. If she wanted revenge she wouldn't use such an important situation as her weapon.

But still…she should've told him the second she suspected that she might be pregnant. She should've come to him…no matter how afraid she was. Chances were that he wouldn't have been thrilled that they were being thrust into that situation but he would've dealt with it. If she had come to him, they could've discussed their options…and really there was only one option; marriage. He would've married her, she had to know that. If she had told him the day she figured out that she had a problem, he would've proposed…and if need be, he would've made her accept her proposal because no wasn't an option if she was carrying his child. With the acceptance of his proposal, they could've gotten the paperwork to obtain a marriage license and had everything ready to go for when the results came in. If the test had been positive, they could've been married within two days; the law required that they wait 24 hours after the license was issued but that would've given her time to find a dress to wear in front of the judge. If luck was on their side and she wasn't too far along, they could concoct an elaborate story of eloping weeks before they actually did and her pregnancy being the result of their weekend honeymoon…or they could've passed the baby off as arriving early; babies came early sometimes, it wasn't that unusual; regardless, things would've been taken care of, she and their child would've had his name.

If Johanna had told him and they had settled the matter that they would be getting married before the week was out, they could've discussed other vital things like their living arrangements. Neither one of their apartments was big enough to accommodate a family of three. They would have to find a bigger place but for the time being, he would've gladly moved in with her; it wouldn't have been right to uproot her while she was in the early stages of pregnancy. He would've taken that burden and they would've made do until he could find them another place.

Jim took a long sip of his beer; a sense of longing mingling with his anger. He would've made sure that she knew he had things under control; that everything would be taken care of and that he would've shielded her from as much negativity as he could. If things had gotten rough at work, she could've quit and stayed home, he made enough to support a wife and child without having to pinch pennies; they wouldn't have wanted for anything; their needs would've come before his. He would've provided. He would've offered comfort and assurance. He would've taken care of her and their baby. It wouldn't have been so bad, he mused…they would've become a little family.

The image of her with a baby in her arms took shape in his mind…and it should've terrified him, especially after what he had told her about marriage and babies weeks before, but it didn't…in fact, it seemed kind of cozy to think about going home to her and their baby everyday. That could've been nice. She'd be such a great mommy; he could just imagine the glow that would've surrounded her with a baby of her own. It would've looked like her, Jim thought to himself; it would've been a beautiful child…with her green eyes. He brought the bottle to his lips and took another sip…why wasn't he celebrating that he had dodged the bullet of a shotgun wedding and impending fatherhood? Shouldn't he be happy? Shouldn't he be relieved?

Another shot of anger surged through him at the thought that he was somehow, inexplicably disappointed in the outcome of this whole debacle. That couldn't be right…could it? Just weeks ago he had proclaimed that he wasn't ready and yet here he was, enraged that the woman he loved had kept something from him, and yet daydreaming about the little family they could've made despite the obstacles. The realization only made him angrier. He didn't know how to feel; happy, disappointed, relieved, somewhere in between…but if she had told him, maybe they could've felt all of those things together.

Jim breathed deeply, feeling a hint of bitterness take hold. Was she disappointed in the outcome or had her relief been so great that she couldn't wait to sweep it under the rug and forget that they had almost had a baby? His brow furrowed, that didn't seem quite right; they hadn't almost had a baby…there never was a baby…but there could've been and he should've known of its possible existence at the first second possible so he could do the right thing. His gut tightened as that thought still didn't terrify him; that felt like dangerous territory and he didn't want to dig into it too much…but he had to admit to himself that the thought of having a baby with her was nice.

His anger seemed to kick up a notch at that thought. He shouldn't be thinking those things; he wasn't ready and she clearly didn't think much of him if she claimed to be too afraid to tell him that she might have a problem that involved them both. What the hell had she been thinking? What was wrong with her? They should've never gotten into this mess in the first thing…but he supposed that might be more his fault than hers. When they were in the heat of the moment and he wanted her so badly he couldn't see straight, the thought of stopping for even a moment to take precautions didn't often enter his mind…and on a few occasions when they did stop only to discover that the box was empty…well…he had a way of persuading her not to let it stop them…and because she loved him, she'd let him have his way. They had played with fire and almost got burned. He had helped put them in this situation…but that didn't lessen the anger he felt at her for not telling him…the anger he felt for a little part of him being so willing to accept the idea of the marriage and child that could've been.

Another sip of beer emptied the bottle and Jim got up from the couch to get another one. Why did Johanna McKenzie have to turn him inside out all the time? She was supposed to drive him crazy in good ways…not in a bad way like this. How could she? He loved her and he knew that she loved him…but he couldn't shake the feeling that she had done him wrong by not telling him immediately.

---

Late Saturday afternoon, Johanna stood at the table in Valerie's laundry room and folded her last load of laundry for the day. With her mother's washer on the fritz, she was glad that Valerie didn't mind her doing her laundry there. It spared her a dreaded trip to the laundry mat; even worse, a trip to the grungy looking laundry room in her own building. She shuddered at the thought as she folded a towel, Valerie's footsteps sounding behind her as she entered the room. Johanna gave her sister-in-law a small smile as Valerie grabbed a few of the towels and began to fold them.

"Is Greg still napping?" Johanna asked. Her nephew had fallen asleep on her lap and hour before.

"Yes, for the moment," Valerie replied. "I'm sure it won't last too long though."

She smiled; her nephew was beginning to shun his nap time, much to Valerie's dismay.

"What's going on with you?" her sister-in-law asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You're quiet today," Valerie answered. "You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders."

Johanna sighed. "It's been a long week."

"Is something wrong?"

She was quiet as she folded another towel. "Everything has been a little off the last few weeks," she admitted. "Work has been stressful because of that business with Sharon and last weekend I was sick."

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah; I'm fine now."

"I notice you haven't mentioned Jim today," her sister-in-law commented.

Her stomach clenched at the mention of Jim. She had barely slept at all the night before from thinking about him and how angry he was with her…wondering if she'd be able to fix it; if he'd let her explain her feelings more to show him why she had kept it quiet until she knew for sure.

"Jo?"

"Jim and I…well…we had a pretty bad evening last night," she admitted reluctantly.

"Oh?" Valerie asked. "How bad? Did you break up?"

She sucked in a shaky breath. "To tell you the truth, I don't really know."

"How can you not know?"

"He didn't say that it was over," Johanna replied; "But a part of me wonders if maybe it is despite him not saying so."

"Must've been a hell of a fight," Valerie remarked.

"I wouldn't really call it a fight," she said as she put a stack of towels into the clothes basket. "It was more like a disagreement…a bad one…and he left."

"I see; what caused a disagreement of that proportion?"

"I, um…I didn't tell himself something as soon as he thought I should."

Valerie's brow rose. "What kind of something are we talking about? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No," she sighed. "It was just something I didn't feel he needed to know unless something happened to make it otherwise."

"Jo, you're talking in circles."

"I know," she said, scrubbing her hands over her face.

"I'm not trying to dig into your personal business," Valerie stated; "But it's obvious that you're upset today and maybe you just need to talk about it. No one's here but me, I'm not going to tell whatever it is. What happened?"

Johanna moved the clothes basket off the folding chair by the table and sat down. She hadn't ever intended to tell anyone else what had happened, but she knew she could trust Valerie to keep her secret. "When I was sick last week…I also realized that I was late…"

Valerie sank down on the other folding chair; her expression conveying that she had put two and two together with that statement. "Oh my God, you're pregnant. Frank will either kill him or march him down the aisle at gunpoint."

Johanna shook her head. "No, there won't be any need for that. I'm not pregnant but I thought was…it was a very long weekend waiting to get to the doctor to get a test done and then the results didn't come in until Thursday. I was ready to lose my mind."

"I can imagine," she replied. "I still remember the wait to find out that I was pregnant with Greg."

She breathed deeply. "But at least you were already married."

Valerie patted her hand. "What happened? What didn't you tell Jim fast enough?"

"I didn't tell him that it was possible I was pregnant; I just told him that I wasn't feeling well. He's like a dog with a bone though; when he picks up on something, he doesn't let it go…I finally had to tell him last night. He was so angry with me."

"Why didn't you tell him what you suspected?" her sister-in-law asked gently; no judgment upon her face.

"Because I was scared," she whispered.

"Of what?"

Johanna poured out all of her fears; explaining everything she had been thinking and feeling during those few days while her life hung in the balance. "I just wanted to be sure first," she finished. "I was afraid it would go badly if I told him before I knew for sure."

Valerie nodded. "That's understandable; better to go into it with a sure answer instead of just a possibility."

"That's what I thought but Jim is livid…and I feel like we didn't talk enough about it. He was too angry; he didn't want to listen to my explanations too much. He left…I wanted to go after him but I knew it wouldn't do me any good."

"Maybe he's had some time to cool off over night?" Valerie suggested.

"I don't know about that; he's pretty mad…and I'm not saying he shouldn't be; I get why he's angry but I just wish we could've talked about it in a better way…that we could discuss it more."

"Is your laundry finished?" Valerie asked.

"Yeah; why?"

"Because if you're finished, you can load your laundry into my car, take it home and then go talk to Jim; tell him you know he needs some space but that you want to explain how you felt and why you did it…because really; most women don't tell anyone until their sure; it's not an uncommon phenomenon, but I know how men are and sometimes they get angry about things like this. Maybe you can smooth it over a little and he'll come around sooner. When you're finished, you can bring back the car and have dinner with us; we're eating late since Frankie's out today."

"Are you sure, Val?"

"Positive," she replied as she got up from the table. "You know I ran my errands this morning, I left Greg here with you. I'm in for the day now; I'll get the keys and help you get your stuff loaded in the car and you go take care of things."

Johanna smiled and rose from her chair to give her sister-in-law a hug. "Thanks, Val."

"No problem; and just so you know; if you had been pregnant, it wouldn't have changed anything about the way the people of this house see you; we'd still love you and be here for you. If it would've come down to it, you could've moved in with us, I would've helped you with the baby."

"I don't know how my brother would've felt about that," she replied, tears evident in her voice as she hugged her tighter. "But I appreciate it just the same."

Valerie released her hold on her and smiled. "Let me tell you about your brother; you two may not have gotten along as kids, but he loves you; he doesn't always like to let it show too much, but he does, I know it for a fact. He wouldn't have hesitated to take you in if need be…and while you were moving in, he would've been out with Frank hunting down the man responsible. Don't you ever worry; we're always going to be here for you."

"I love you both…well the three of you, I should say," Johanna told her as she swallowed back the lump in her throat.

"We know," Valerie said with a smile. "God knows Greg would never deny it."

She laughed. "My little man…I kept thinking about when he was a newborn during all of this."

"Did you?"

"Yeah," she said softly.

Valerie studied her for a moment. "And it made you want it, didn't it?"

"One part of me," she confessed. "And I know it's wrong."

Valerie shook her head. "No; it's not wrong; you're a woman who loves children and wants one of her own; the timing might not have been ideal, but it's alright that a part of you wanted the baby that you thought was there."

Johanna sniffled a little as she struggled to hold back tears. "It seems silly to be relieved and disappointed all at the same time."

"It's not silly; it's human. Now go talk to Jim; do what you can to say what you need to say. It'll be alright, eventually he'll come around, it might just take a little time or he might surprise you."

"A good surprise would be nice," Johanna replied as she grabbed a basket of laundry and followed Valerie from the room to start loading the car.

---

Jim opened his door a short while later and found a nervous looking Johanna on the other side. He gripped the doorknob, his anger with her still at the surface. "Why didn't you use your key?" he asked; his tone sharper than he intended.

Johanna grimaced slightly at his tone, maybe she should've waited a few more days so that he could cool off further. "I didn't think you'd be happy to see me," she murmured.

He gave a short laugh. "You're right, I'm not. I'm furious with you and feeling that way makes me want to keep my distance at the moment because I'm afraid I might say things I'll regret."

She gave a small nod. "I understand."

"Then why are you here?"

She licked her lips nervously. "Because I wanted to talk…:"

Jim scoffed. "You want to talk now? What for, Johanna? It's not like you ever tell me anything I need to know; so why talk now? The time for that was several days ago, which I'm sure you're aware of."

"I don't make a habit of keeping things from you, Jim. I just want to explain."

He crossed his arms over his chest, his steely gaze pinned on her. "Fine; explain."

Johanna's eyes darted around the hallway; this wasn't the place she wanted to have this conversation. "Out here?" she asked; hoping he'd at least let her step inside and close the door.

"You're not staying here tonight, Johanna," Jim stated. "I'm too angry with you."

A flicker of irritation roared through her veins. "I don't recall asking to stay," she remarked; her voice carrying a slight edge. "I'm not that stupid."

Jim opened his mouth to make a sharp hasty comment but caught himself in time. "You wanted to explain, so explain."

He was really going to make her stand out in the hallway, she thought to herself. It made it all feel worse and she hated the thought of his neighbors listening in to their business…but it seemed to be the only option he was offering at the moment. "I was afraid," she said softly.

Jim shifted on his feet. "I've already heard this song."

Johanna smirked as tears filled her eyes. "It's funny how it's always alright for your fears to drive you to do certain things; to be your excuse for doing something you shouldn't and taking it out on me…but when I'm afraid, you don't want to hear why. I'm just some selfish bitch who wronged you. I always have to be the understanding one; you, on the other hand…you just get to be angry."

"Don't you think I have a right to be angry?" he asked sharply.

"Yes, I do," she replied. "You have every right and I'm not trying to begrudge you your anger, Jim. I just want a chance to explain why I did what I did."

"I'm giving you a chance," he retorted. "You're the one changing the subject."

She raked a hand through her hair; he wasn't going to listen; he had no desire to at the moment. He would jump on everything she said and use it to fuel his anger. He was still too upset…he wasn't going to listen.

"I'm sorry I bothered you," she told him softly. "When you feel like you're ready to listen to what I have to say, you let me know and I'll meet you somewhere so we can talk about it…but regardless of what you think, I am sorry." With that said, she turned and headed up the hallway.

"Where are you going?" Jim asked.

Johanna turned to face him. "I have to take my laundry home and then take Valerie's car back to her."

He gave her an accusing look. "Is she another person who knew before me that you might have a problem?"

"No; know one knew but Maggie."

He nodded. "When it should've been no one knew but you and me."

"I'm sorry."

"You always are, Johanna."

She gave a hint of a smirk. "Kind of like you…guess we're a match."

Jim remained silent as she began to walk away again, this time waiting until she had reached the elevator before he called out to her. "Come back here," he stated.

"Why? You've made it clear that you don't want to hear what I have to say right now."

"Because I said so," he remarked as he started to move up the hallway to get her himself if she didn't cooperate.

Johanna headed back in his direction, figuring that regardless of his mood she was going to have to take whatever opportunity he afforded her for explanation and hope that he would think it all over during the next few days and maybe find it within himself to forgive her. She paused at the threshold of the door, expecting to have to tell her tale from there as he had suggested the first time.

"What are you doing?" Jim asked briskly.

"You said I couldn't come in," she reminded him.

"No; I said you couldn't stay."

"You didn't invite me in."

Jim grabbed her arm. "Here's your engraved invitation," he remarked as he somewhat roughly pulled her into the apartment.

Johanna rubbed her arm a little, his rough handling unexpected. She perched at the edge of the chair and caught sight of a glass of what appeared to be whiskey on the coffee table. He didn't seem drunk though, he was just angry…furious.

"Your arm is fine, quit rubbing it; I didn't hurt you," he stated as he picked up his glass.

"Well it didn't feel good," she commented before she could stop herself.

"For God's sake, Johanna; I didn't beat you. I put a little pressure on your arm so you'd quit standing in the damn hallway."

"I didn't say you beat me," she retorted. "I know you'd never do that!"

Jim took a sip of his drink. "Say what you came to say."

She took a breath to steady herself, searching for words that he wouldn't scoff at but only the familiar ones came to mind. "I was afraid…and I know you think that's ridiculous but I can't help it. I was just so afraid."

"All the more reason to come to me," he told her; doing his best to hold on to his temper.

Johanna swallowed hard, bracing herself for the reaction that she was sure her next words would bring. "You were one of the things I was afraid of," she murmured.

Jim's eyes grew wide and he slammed his drink down on the table, making her flinch. "Afraid of me! What have I ever done to make you afraid of me, Johanna? I've never laid a hand on you."

"I know that!" she exclaimed. "I know you never would; that wasn't the kind of fear that I meant. I've been afraid that you'd hurt me physically over something. Never!"

Jim tried to rein in his temper. "Then what the hell are you talking about; why do you keep saying that?" he asked, his tone clipped. "I try to be there for you in every way possible. I do everything for you I can and this is what I get in return for it; you keeping things from me and saying you're afraid of me!"

Tears spilled down her cheeks as a feeling of helplessness spread through her. "Stop your damn crying," he told her. "You cry so you can get away with everything, well you're not getting away with this one, Johanna."

She tried to stifle her tears but they couldn't be controlled; she wasn't used to this side of him. There had been plenty of times when he tried to verbally wound her when he was angry but this time seemed so much worse. "I was afraid of how you'd react if I told you before I knew for sure," she went on.

"Why?"

Johanna sniffed and swiped at her cheeks with suede sleeve of her jacket. "Because you told me that you weren't ready for kids…and I was afraid that you'd think I'd pushed our relationship again. I didn't know what to do…we broke up over a stupid joke so I figured telling you that I might be pregnant would be even worse. I was afraid you'd think I did it on purpose to trap you; like you thought I was trying to rush us into marriage because I joked about rings that one time. I was just so afraid of losing you…I didn't want to take the risk until I knew for sure…there were just so many fears in my mind."

"Like what?" he asked; his voice strained.

"I was worried that if you left me, I'd have to do it alone and I wasn't sure I could. I'm not ready for a baby either…and it terrified me to think that I might have to be ready whether I wanted to be or not. Everyone's always saying that times are changing and the morals of yesterday are fading, but a single woman having a baby is still looked down upon, you know. Look at that case I had a few months ago, that lady was fired from her job because her boss said that the public wouldn't want to be served by an unwed mother. I kept thinking about that happening to me…what if Roche fired me for being unmarried and pregnant? What would I do while that was tied up in litigation? The only other job I ever had is being a waitress and I probably wouldn't get hired for that either if I was pregnant. I worried about how I'd take care of myself and the baby…I was afraid of how my family would react. My parents would be so ashamed of me…especially my father," she said as the tears continued to tumble down her cheeks. "I couldn't bear the thought of the way he'd look at me if I went home and told him I was pregnant and didn't have a ring on my finger."

"If you were pregnant, I would've married you, Johanna," Jim said firmly. "I would've made it right. Somewhere inside you had to know that."

She shook her head. "The thought did cross my mind…but I didn't want you to marry me."

Jim looked like he had been slapped. "Why the hell not?"

"Because I told you I'd never ask you for marriage; I know it's not something you want and I sure as hell wouldn't want to force you into it because of an unplanned pregnancy. I wouldn't do that to you, Jim. If you married me because I was pregnant, you'd end up resenting me in the end. Your mother would never let us know a moment's peace and you'd be tied down when you didn't want to be…and we'd up divorced. I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't marry you knowing that it wasn't what you really wanted. It wouldn't be fair to you or the baby or me."

"I never said that I didn't want to marry you someday," he remarked.

"You don't have to say it; you made it clear when we broke up."

Jim shook his head. "I did not."

"You did to me," she murmured. "I don't want you to ever feel like you're obligated to marry me. I don't ever want to put in that position. I wanted to tell you, Jim; but I was just so afraid of so many things. I didn't like keeping it from you; and if the result had been positive, I would've immediately came to you and told you; but it wasn't, and I thought it was best just to forget it since there was nothing to tell. I know it all sounds stupid…I know I shouldn't have let fears rule me, but they did and all I can say is that I'm so sorry that I hurt you; it doesn't make me feel good. It's not something I ever wanted to do and if you decide to give me another chance, I swear it'll never happen again. I love you…and I know what I did was wrong. I should've told you and took whatever came from it until I knew the result. I'm so sorry, Jim…I hope that you can forgive me after you've had some time to think about it…but if you can't and you feel like you can't trust me anymore, I'll understand."

His gaze flicked toward her as she rose from the chair. "That's it?" he asked. "You're finished?"

Johanna shrugged. "I don't know what else to say; I didn't tell you because I was afraid; afraid of how you'd react, that you'd leave me before I even knew for sure. I was afraid of being pregnant; of losing you, my job, my family. I wouldn't ask you to tie yourself down with a wife and baby you didn't want; you don't deserve that. I just wanted to know for sure before I had to tell you…I thought I was sparing you some worry…or sparing us another bad fight, but clearly I was wrong. I'm so sorry…it seems inadequate, but it's true. I wish I could do it over and make it right, but I can't. All I can do is hope that you'll forgive me and give me another chance. Until you decide, I'll give you the space you need. I just needed to tell why I did it…it's just such a scary thing to be unmarried and think you might be pregnant. I was tied up in knots waiting to find out the result."

Jim blew out a breath. "Regardless of how I might've reacted, I would've never left you. You didn't have to go through this alone; I could've been there for you."

"Only if you didn't get angry," she replied; "And you have to admit that you do have a history of getting angry about things involving the status of our relationship."

He hated to admit it, but it was true. He did seem to have a habit of viewing everything as a shove toward the next step before he was ready. "That may be," he told her; "But I'm still mad at you…you should've told me no matter what. It wasn't right and you know it."

"I just said as much," Johanna said as she clutched the strap of her purse. "I regret it, Jim…I wish I had done it differently, but I hope maybe when you cool off you can think about how I was feeling and why."

"Which is your code for wanting me to take the blame for it," Jim stated.

"No," she said softly with a shake of her head. "This one is mine and I own up to it; I didn't tell you because of what we went through recently, but I wasn't blaming you for me making that choice. I'm sorry…I don't know what more I can say expect that if you want to talk about it further, you know where to find me. I don't want to keep getting in your space before you're ready so now that I've gotten to explain a little, I'll let you be so you can sort things out."

Jim's jaw was tight with tension as he watched her walk to the door. "I would've done right by you if there had been a baby," he remarked. "I wouldn't have left you…I can't say I would've been thrilled at first that we had gotten ourselves into that, but I would've never let you carry that alone. I would've loved our child…just like I love you. I would've taken care of you…and maybe I would've taken off for a day if you had told me what you suspected, but I would've came back, and I would've been there, easing your fears and telling you it was going to be alright. I would've gone to the doctor with you. I would've worried with you. You didn't have to go through it alone but you chose to…and I can't just stop being angry about that right now because you've said you're sorry."

"I didn't ask you to stop being angry," Johanna told him. "I just asked you to listen; and now that you have, I'll go. I know you don't want me here right now and I understand."

"You always have to be so damn understanding, don't you?" he asked gruffly.

She shrugged. "What else can I do?"

Impatience and frustration drove Jim to his feet. "I guess I don't know."

Johanna cautiously moved toward him and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. "I love you…no matter what you decide. I'll let you be now."

"I love you too," he murmured before he could stop himself.

She gave him a small wobbly smile and then turned to head for the door. He watched her go, not bothering to stop her; he needed more time to think it all over.

---

"What's wrong, Jim?" Natalie asked as her brother-in-law lingered in the kitchen with her the next evening after dinner instead of joining Michael, Andrew and the kids in the living room.

"Nothing really," he replied unconvincingly as he rose from the table and moved to stand near the sink where she was washing dishes. After a moment's thought, he picked up the dish towel and began to dry.

Natalie regarded him with a raised brow. "You're drying the dishes? This must be serious."

Jim kept debating the topic he wanted to pursue; unsure if he should really divulge it or not but in the end he decided to bite the bullet. "You're a woman," he began.

His sister-in-law nodded. "Yes; that's what I've been told…and since I've given birth four times and have all the right parts, I'd say that assumption is correct."

He didn't respond to her quip as he normally would've, making Natalie study the troubled expression on his face. "What is it, Jim?"

"Can I ask you a hypothetical question?"

"Sure."

He hesitated for a moment and then forced the words from his mouth. "Let's say you and Michael aren't married, you're still dating…and you thought you were pregnant…would you be afraid? And by afraid, I mean, scared to tell him even though you know he loves you and would make it right?"

Natalie was quiet as she rinsed a plate and thought over his question. "I'd be terrified," she answered as she handed the plate over to be dried. "Not just of telling Michael but of telling my parents too."

"Even though you know Michael loves you?"

She nodded. "Yes; because without a ring on your finger, a woman is very vulnerable in that situation. Knowing that he loves me wouldn't keep me from thinking about worst case scenarios."

"But you know he'd marry you and take responsibility because that's the kind of guy he is."

Natalie met his gaze. "Jim, no woman wants a man to marry her out of obligation. We want to know that a man married us because he loves us and because he wanted to…not because he felt like he had to because there was a baby on the way. If it was me, I'd feel like I'd be spending the rest of my life wondering if it's what he really wanted."

"You'd really be afraid if you were unmarried and suddenly realized that there was a possibility that you were pregnant?"

"Yes; I don't know a woman alive who wouldn't be scared in that situation, no matter how good their relationship was. Being unmarried and pregnant would be daunting and terrifying. You know, they say that some things aren't big deal anymore…but being unmarried and pregnant, that's still a big deal to the people of our parents and grandparents generations. There's still some scorn and abuse that having that distinction carries. No woman thinks about that road without fear."

"It's not just a cop out?" Jim asked.

"God, no," Natalie replied. "There would be so much to think about and worry about…so much to fear; the reaction of your boyfriend, how your families will take it, if you have a job how that will be affected. You have to suddenly think about your whole life changing…and how that change would be easier if you had been married first. A woman can have a great guy in her life that she knows loves her and would do the right thing, but that doesn't make it any easier…because then you feel like you're forcing him into something he might not want at that moment."

"If you were in that situation of thinking that you might be pregnant, would you tell Michael? Or would you wait until you knew for sure?"

"I'd wait until I knew for sure," Natalie replied without any hesitation.

Jim's eye's widened in surprise. "You wouldn't tell him that there might be an issue?"

She shook her head. "No; I wouldn't want to open up that can of worms unless I had to. I'd go to the doctor and have the test done. If it came back positive, then I'd go home and tell him. If it didn't; I'd just let it fade away and I'd do my best to be more careful and to subtly encourage him to do the same."

"So if the test was negative, you wouldn't tell him at all?"

"No; there's nothing to tell, so why go into all that would detail when there's no reason to?"

"Doesn't he have a right to know that you suspected it?"

"Only if the suspicion turns out to be true and a pregnancy exists."

Jim was quiet as he mulled over her responses to his questions.

Natalie sighed as she scrubbed a plate. "How far along is she?"

"What?"

"Johanna. I'm assuming from our question and answer segment that you've gotten her pregnant and that she either didn't tell you as quickly as you would've liked out of fear; or you suspect that she's pregnant and that she's afraid to tell you."

Jim shook his head. "No; she's not pregnant. She thought she was though…and she didn't tell me until I forced her to tell me what the hell was going on with her. She acted weird all last weekend, saying she was sick but she wasn't being herself. It felt like she was avoiding me at times…and then after a few days it was like someone flipped a switch and she was fine. I wanted to know why."

"I see…and she's sure she's not pregnant? The switch got flipped because she went to the doctor and got the test results, right?"

"Yeah; she went to the doctor. She was just…," he said, trailing off with a flourish of his hand.

Natalie smiled. "She was late."

Jim nodded. "Yeah; and she had a touch of a virus."

"I see why she was worried then," his sister-in-law replied. "It must've been pretty scary evidence."

"That's what she says."

"You don't believe her?"

He raked a hand through his hair. "I don't know; I guess I just haven't been able to get past the fact that she didn't come to me right away on Friday when she realized that something might be wrong. I mean she stayed with me that evening, so why didn't she just tell me?"

"Because she was scared," Natalie replied as she motioned for him to join her at the table.

"But still…why be scared of me?"

"It's probably not that she was scared of you in the sense of your person; she was probably scared of how you might react to the idea that there was possibly a pregnancy."

"It makes me feel like she thinks I would've been some monster about it or something. I thought we were doing so good here lately…we had a rough spot awhile back and we split up for a week but we got through it and I thought we were settling in; I felt like we were closer."

"This break up that you just mentioned; do you think that might've played a role in her fear? Did something happen in that time frame that maybe made her feel like she needed to keep this to herself until she was sure?"

He frowned. "She said the whole break up made her feel like she needed to wait until she knew for sure."

"What was the break up about?"

Jim blew out a breath and explained what had happened to Natalie. "I just let my head get jumbled; I thought she was asking for more because I let other people get to me. She wasn't pushing anything…but I told her I wasn't sure I was ready for marriage…and definitely not ready for babies."

Natalie gave him a small smile. "So knowing those words about not being ready for marriage and babies were ringing in her ears, don't you think maybe she was justified in being a little scared? Don't you think that's a good reason for her to want to be sure before she sprung that kind of news on you?"

He squeezed the back of his neck. "I guess it did make a bad impression…but I thought we were past that and doing better."

She nodded. "Which could've added to the fear; you two got past that, but those statements lingered and she saw this as a possible explosion of a relationship that just got back to a good place. She wanted to be sure so she could protect it, you and her. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel upset that she didn't tell you she had a suspicion…I'm just saying that she wasn't wrong to want be sure before opening that can of worms. Let me tell you something, and I'm not trying to over share my personal business and don't tell your brother, but a few months ago, I missed two periods, I was terrified I was pregnant again. I didn't tell Michael…after we had Alicia he said that we had two of each now and that was all we needed. I didn't think he'd take the news well of a possible number five…especially when we've been trying to be careful…but as you apparently know, careful doesn't always happen. I went to the doctor and had the test done; it was negative so I didn't bother to mention it. I got back on track the following month and I've tried to make sure we're more careful…so I understand why Johanna didn't want to bring it up unless she was sure. You know, you Beckett men seem sedate on the surface but when you get pushed into a situation you might not like, you all have the tendency to go off like a rocket or to storm away and brood…and to an already upset, worried woman, that's just another reason why she should've held her tongue until she was sure. Can you say for certain that you wouldn't have reacted badly if she had told you her suspicions?"

"No, I can't say for certain but I'd like to think I'd take it okay…and if I didn't and had to go away for a day, she should know that I'd come back," Jim remarked.

Natalie shook her head. "No, in that situation she doesn't know if you'll come back. Seeing you walk away, even if it was only for a brief cooling off period, would've only added more weight and fear to her shoulders. Has there ever been something that you were afraid to tell her?"

"Yeah," he replied, thinking of that time when he was being coerced to accept a bribe.

"You don't have to tell me what this thing was, but why were you afraid to tell her?"

"I didn't want her to be worrying needlessly…and if I had to do something I didn't want, I was afraid if she knew, she'd look at me differently…maybe leave me."

"So you had some fear?"

He nodded. "Yeah….but she ended up dragging it out of me anyway."

"And you ended up dragging hers out of her after the fact."

"Yes…and I just wish she had told me from the get go."

Natalie gave a soft laugh. "Jim; knowing you, after you had a meltdown, you probably would've dragged her down to the courthouse and married her before she even knew the results of the blood test."

He gave a quiet chuckle. "It's possible, I suppose. I would've married her though if there was a baby…I would've taken care of her, I wouldn't have felt like she was trapping me or making me do something I didn't want. I love her and I would've loved our baby."

"I know," she replied. "I don't think Johanna kept this from you to hurt you, Jim. I think she just wanted to be sure. I really do believe that she was scared like she said; anyone would be."

Jim gave a nod. "I guess it would be scary for her to think about all the repercussions it could bring."

"Of course; let's think about it; there's not only your reaction, there's her family. How would her parents have taken it?"

"Her father would be livid…he's so hard on her. They don't really get along. He'd be very harsh with her."

"And her mother?"

"She loves her so she'd probably try to be understanding but I'm sure she'd probably be a little disappointed in her…us."

Natalie caught his eye. "And then there would be your parents…and let's remember that Elizabeth already hates her…how do you think an out of wedlock pregnancy would go over with her?"

"Not good," Jim stated with a shudder. "Not good at all."

"You're damn skippy," she said with a laugh. "She'd be ten thousand different kinds of livid and Johanna would never have a moment's peace."

"You're right," he replied. "Dad would probably do better."

"Robert's a special man; he has an innate capability for being understanding. Let's think about her job too; you know you see all the time where pregnant women are being fired from their jobs…married and unmarried women. You're a lawyer, you know its happening."

"I know…and I have no doubt that some would try to run Johanna out of the firm if she was pregnant and we weren't married."

"Then don't you think she had a lot of weight on her shoulders? You can say all you want that you would've reacted well but you yourself said you couldn't guarantee it."

"I know…I just don't want her to think that because of what I said before that I'm totally against marriage, because I'm not…I'm not against marrying her. I don't want her thinking that her friend was right and that we're not going anywhere."

Natalie studied him for a moment. "Did you explain that to her?"

"No…I took off when I first found out that she kept this from me. She gave me a day of space and then showed up at my place last night wanting to explain why she did it…and I was really hard on her."

"You regret that now?"

He nodded. "Yeah; I've been regretting it since about an hour after it happened. I guess that's why I had to ask you about it…I wanted another woman's perspective on the situation. I was very harsh with her…I was just angry and hurt…even though somewhere inside I knew she didn't do it to hurt me."

"I understand your initial reaction of walking away," Natalie remarked; "But why was it worse when she came to talk it over? Why were you so harsh? Is there something there besides anger?"

"Like what?"

"You've mentioned that you don't want her to think you're against marrying her…which makes me think that maybe somewhere inside you're thinking about marriage but you're afraid to really think about it or broach it because of what recently happened between you…so maybe in some sector of your brain, you think that if she had told you right away, it would've given you an excuse to bring up marriage…to make a proposal."

"I don't know about that," Jim said as he rubbed his neck.

"Let me ask you something; and I swear it won't go any further than us; do you want to marry Johanna some day? I have a feeling that you've thought about it…so do you want to? Do you see it as a possibility?"

"Of course it's a possibility."

"Is there something holding you back from fully acknowledging to yourself that maybe you want get married…?"

He shrugged. "I guess I feel like it's probably too soon to be thinking those things."

"But you are thinking them?"

Jim nodded. "Once in awhile."

"And if there would've been a baby or even a known possibility; that would've given you an excuse to speed things along, right?"

He shifted in his seat. "I don't know, Natalie."

"I think you do; but I'm not going to push you on it. Just know that if it feels right, then it's right…you don't have to wait any certain time length, especially when technically you've been together in one way or another for a few years. But as for your current issue; if you feel up to it, go talk to Johanna…tell her that you understand a little better now that you've cooled off. Let her know that it hasn't changed how you feel about her. Maybe the two of you can talk some more now that you're calmer…you'll both feel better…because I'm sure she's miserable right now."

He blew out a breath. "You're right, she probably is…and she's probably hurt from the way I treated her yesterday."

"So you both can apologize and learn from this and move on…these things make relationships stronger, Jim. Show her that you can forgive her like she forgives you."

Jim leaned forward and kissed his sister-in-law's cheek. "Thanks for the advice."

"Anytime," Natalie replied as she patted his hand. "Here's another piece, on your way to talk to Johanna, remember the lesson to be learned from all this and stop at the drugstore."

Jim laughed. "I'll do that."

---

It was after midnight and Johanna had fallen asleep as the Tonight Show wound down on the television in her bedroom. She didn't register the sound of her door opening and closing; nor did she pick up on the sound of Jim's footsteps as he made his way down the hallway. He stepped into the room, not surprised to see that she had fallen asleep with the light and TV on; an open book laying on her chest. He lifted the book from its resting place and put it on the nightstand before perching at the edge of the bed to take his shoes off. The dip of the mattress startled Johanna and made her bolt upright in search of her intruder.

"I didn't mean to scare you," he said quietly as her startled gaze met his.

"What are you doing here?" Johanna asked, her hand still pressed to her chest as her heartbeat began to settle back into its normal rhythm.

"I thought maybe we could talk."

She glanced at the clock. "Is there a reason why you're always more open to talking after midnight?"

He shrugged. "Maybe things look better in the middle of the night when it's quieter." The truth was that after he had left Michael and Natalie's, he had gone home and thought it all over again, making sure he had his head straight before he went to her place.

Johanna pulled her knees up against her as he turned to face her better. "What did you want to say?" she asked softly.

Jim raked a hand through his hair. "You were afraid?" he stated.

She nodded. "Yes; very afraid…not just of how you'd react; but about how it would affect everything in my life because I'm not married. The nurse that took my blood for the test…she made me feel like trash and I knew I was going to be in for a lot of that if the test came back positive. It was like it confirmed a lot of things I had spent the weekend thinking about…like how I'd be treated if I was pregnant. I just saw everything crashing down. I know it sounds stupid, but I was afraid. I wanted to know for sure before I pushed down that first domino by telling you."

"It's not stupid," Jim replied. "I know I jumped all over you about it but that's because I let my feelings stop me from thinking about how you must've been feeling all weekend. I figure it's only natural for a woman in your situation to be scared with something like this. It's a life changer…nothing would've been the same."

"I know…and it was terrifying to think of. I wasn't sure I was ready…it wouldn't be the way I always imagined it would be. I was so afraid of everything from your reaction, to our families' reactions, to my job, and what if I was a bad mother? So many things were running through my head."

Jim shook his head. "There's no chance of that, Jo. You'll be a wonderful mother when it does happen."

"I didn't want to keep it from you, Jim," she murmured. "But I kept thinking about how we just seemed to be getting our balance back…and about how easily we broke up all because of the teasing at the bar and people getting in your head. I kept hearing you tell me how you weren't ready for marriage and especially babies; and there's nothing wrong with that…but thinking about how it isn't something you want just made me want to keep it to myself. I didn't want us to break up again before I even knew for sure. I was afraid you'd be angry with me…but of course that happened anyway. I'm not trying to put the blame on you, Jim; I swear I'm not; I'm the one who made the choice and it was the wrong one…I could've told you regardless of how you'd react but I didn't…and what happened between us before was a factor in that decision I made."

"I get that," he replied; his tone gentle. "I guess I didn't want to see the role I played in it when this all first happened, but I do see it, Jo. You told me when we got back together that my insecurities had triggered yours…and while I don't like you keeping things from me, I do understand why you did; I know why you were afraid to tell me. I want to think that if you had told me from the start that I would've been understanding and that I wouldn't have flown off the handle…but the truth is, I don't know how I would react. It's easy to say it would be the way we'd both want but I can't swear it would've been that way. I might've gotten scared…we might've fought, I might've taken off for a day; but the one thing I can promise you is that no matter which way I would've reacted, I would've come back, and I would've been there for you and tried to ease your fears and worries. I know it's easy to say that now…but I swear to you, even if I had to take a day to have some space and think, I'd always come back to you, Jo."

"I'm so sorry," she murmured; tears glistening in her eyes.

"I know you are, sweetheart. I'm sorry too…I was an ass to you last night when you were trying to explain."

"It's okay; I deserved it."

Jim shook his head and found her hand. "No; you didn't deserve it. I should've tried to be a little more understanding of your fear; just like you've been understanding of mine. If you were pregnant, it would've been hard for you, even if I married you; and I would've married you, Jo; I wouldn't have taken no for an answer; but even if I had married you, you still would've dealt with criticism and the baby would've been gossiped about…and you're right, you could've ended up losing your career; the firm isn't above discrimination although they publicly denounce it. It wouldn't have been easy for you at all…for any of us; but we would've made it work...even if we had to start over somewhere else."

"I didn't want you to feel trapped," she sniffed. "You're mother is always trying to tell you that I'm trying to drag you down the aisle…and I didn't want you to think she was right and that I did it on purpose to make you marry me. I'd never do that, Jim."

"I know you wouldn't," he said gently as he brushed away her tears.

"I wouldn't want you to resent me one day."

"That could never happen," Jim replied.

"It could."

"It couldn't," he said firmly. "But I want you to know, that while I do wish you had come to me when you first suspected that there was a problem; I do get why you didn't and I understand. I just ask that you promise me that if it ever happens again that you'll come to me right away."

"It's not going to happen again," Johanna stated.

"You don't know that, sweetheart."

"Yes I do," she said as she opened the nightstand drawer and took out a pack of pills. "I let the doctor put me on birth control pills so we won't have to worry about this."

Jim gave a nod as he looked at the small pack of pills she held. "That might be a good idea…but they're not always fool proof, you know. I've heard that sometimes they fail."

"I know, but the successes far outweigh the failures as far as I know. I think they're better now than they were a decade ago. Besides; I wasn't completely letting you off the hook in this area either. I'm taking precautions and you need to take precautions too…."

"I know; we need to be more careful. We get careless sometimes when we're caught up in the moment."

"Yeah, we do; and hopefully the pill will keep us from having any little surprises if we do have one of those moments where we don't give any thought to other methods."

He patted her leg through the covers as she put the pills back in the drawer. "Have you started them yet?" he asked.

"No; he told me to start them on Sunday; don't ask me why, it seems kind of complicated and I don't think my brain is awake enough to try and repeat what he said about them."

"There's nothing wrong, is there?" Jim asked. "I know I asked you before but I want to be sure. You're alright, aren't you?"

Johanna took his hand. "I'm fine, honey. The doctor said I'm healthy. I did have a touch of that virus that was going around; that's why I was a sick a few times and my head was hurting. No woman has a perfectly regular cycle; we all skip periods sometimes; I have before, but this time it was possible that it could've been a pregnancy, but it wasn't."

"Then what causes you to skip them?"

"With me it seems to be anything; stress, the weather being unstable; even if I have a cold or something it can throw me off. It's normal; the doctor said so. I knew all of those things right from the start when I realized that I had missed a period but I went straight to the big one, you know. I felt like I hadn't really been stressed and that the weather was fine…but when I think about it…"

"You have been stressed," Jim remarked. "There was our break up, and then that mess with Sharon; I know things are still rocky between you and that it bothers you. There's work…probably a lot of little things that have added up without you really realizing it."

Johanna nodded. "That's right; sometimes you don't realize how stressed you are until you stop to think about it…and then realizing that I was late, that was added stress…and the weather did turn cold practically overnight. It could've been a lot of things; or it could've just been something that happens to every woman once in awhile. I'm fine though; like I said, it's normal…and its back, so we don't need to worry."

"I probably need to pay more attention to your cycle," he stated; trying not to cringe as he said the words. "We might not have had to go through this if I had picked up on the fact that there wasn't any evidence that you were on track in that area."

She laughed softly; it was an awkward conversation to have in some ways but at least they were having it. "It'll be easier for both of us to keep track now; the pill will regulate things and it'll be easier to pinpoint."

"That's good," he murmured before scrubbing a hand over his face. "I never thought we'd be having this kind of conversation…I feel like I'm prying into your personal business."

Johanna took his hand. "My personal business is your business when we're in an intimate relationship, honey. You're not prying; you're just showing me that you care about me."

"I do care," he stated as he met her gaze. "It's not easy to talk about that stuff, like I said, I feel like that's your personal business, but maybe we have to sometimes."

She gave a nod. "We have to be able to tell each other these things. I want to be comfortable telling you about it if I need to, and if you'd have some sort of problem, I'd want you to tell me. It can feel embarrassing, but it shouldn't have to be…we share everything else."

"You're right," Jim agreed. "We should be able to talk about personal things like that when we need to; it's not like it's going to go any further than the two of us."

"That's right…attorney client privilege," she teased.

He grinned for the first time since he had arrived. "I love that that privilege can be used outside of work."

Johanna kissed his knuckles. "I'll keep your secrets and you can keep mine."

"Sounds good," he said as he leaned toward her and kissed her lips.

"And maybe we could promise that if we need to tell each other something that we're afraid will make the other angry or upset…maybe we can promise to try and hear each other out before getting upset."

"We definitely need that rule," Jim agreed. "We do seem to have a little bit of a problem in that area. We have to stop being afraid to say things."

"Then let's stop being that way; or at least make a better effort at not being that way. It's okay if we need to take some space to sort things out, but maybe we can keep things from getting so bad."

"I like that idea," he told her. "I think we can do better in that area, and I'm willing to try if you are."

"I am. I want us to have the best relationship we can; and we do in a lot of ways but you're right, this is an area we need to do better in and I believe we can."

"Are we okay now?" Jim asked as he met her gaze once again.

Johanna gave him a soft smile. "I'm okay if you are…you're the one who needs to be okay this time."

"I'm fine," he assured. "I'm ready to move past this and put it to rest. We've both said what we needed to say and we know what we need to do better. I want us to get back to being us…for lack of better words."

"Me too."

Jim leaned closer once more and caught her lips in a tender kiss. "I guess you won't mind if I stay?"

"I was hoping you would," she murmured as she caressed his face.

He kissed the palm of her hand and then got up to get ready for bed. When he finally settled in next to her, he pulled her close. "I love you, Johanna."

"I love you too," she replied as she snuggled against him.

"Don't take this the wrong way but I'm not making any moves on you until those pills are in your system. I don't ever want to put you in the position of being ridiculed because you were pregnant before we got married, and I wouldn't want my child to go through that either."

Johanna tightened her hold on him. "I understand and agree completely; we can wait."

"I guess you were pretty relieved when the test came back negative," Jim remarked after a moment of silence; his voice tinged with questioning and something neither one of them could put their finger on.

Confusion furrowed her brow as she wondered why he made the statement. "Yeah, I was," she said softly, her gaze darting away.

Jim glanced up at the ceiling, wondering why he was prolonging this discussion when it had clearly been settled…and wondering why he was going to ask what he was about to say. "Was there a part of you that was…disappointed in some way that there wasn't a baby?"

Johanna was quiet for a long moment, her fingers gripping the comforter as she worried about answering that question. "Honestly?"

"Yeah…no matter what the answer is, I won't be angry, I promise."

She swallowed hard. "The day I was to go get the results, I left work earlier than I needed to because I couldn't concentrate. I just wandered around the city…and I ended up standing in front of this little baby boutique. All weekend I had been thinking about babies; about how scared I was…about how everything in my life would change. I kept telling myself that it was the wrong time," she whispered. 'And yet in between those thoughts, these little daydreams about a baby would slip in…and I'd think about how nice a baby could be…how much I would love her or him no matter the circumstances of its birth. I stood in front of that store window and started picking out little sleepers and dresses…and before I knew what I was doing, I went inside."

"There's nothing wrong with that," Jim murmured, sensing that she felt a little uneasy sharing and admitting these things to him.

Johanna got up from the bed and went to the closet. She opened the door and reached for a small bag on the shelf. She turned back to the bed, her expression unsure as she hesitantly returned to her spot. Jim sat up as she studied the small brown and green striped bag but he said nothing, not wanting to rush her into revealing what she had when she seemed to be hesitant about it. Finally she opened the bag and pulled out a tiny pair of soft white baby booties that had small multi colored blocks embroidered on them that spelled out the word 'Baby' on the sides.

Jim reached out and lifted one of the booties from her hand, his fingers rubbing against the soft material as he marveled at how small they were. His gaze flicked back to Johanna's face and she looked at him shyly. "I don't know why I bought them," she said, a sob breaking free as she clutched the remaining bootie. "I hadn't even heard the results…I was supposed to be hoping that they were negative because it was all wrong…and yet in that moment…I wanted it," she tearfully admitted. "I wanted our baby…and there wasn't even a baby there to have. I expected to feel relieved and nothing else when the doctor read the results…and I was relieved…but I was also disappointed…and there I was with a pair of baby booties shoved into my purse that I had no use for. I felt like such a fool."

Jim gently brushed away her tears and cupped her cheek. "You're not a fool."

"I was supposed to be happy," she cried. "And on one hand I was…and on the other…I just kept thinking about how nice a baby could be...our baby. I kept thinking about how they snuggle into your neck when you hold them against your shoulder…and that soft baby smell…and how small they are…how they look up into your eyes when you're feeding them…their little smiles and holding them while they sleep. I've got to feel all those things from being a babysitter and an aunt…and I couldn't help but imagine that it all would be even better with my own baby…one I didn't have to give back after a few hours. Maybe I daydreamed more than I thought…because I could already picture her…and I just felt so foolish to let myself feel so disappointed over not having something that I told myself I wasn't ready for to begin with…and especially for buying these," she said, her gaze dropping to the bootie in her hand. "I came home and put them on the shelf in the closet and I…I guess I just fell apart a little. I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I was feeling…bouncing back and forth between relief and disappointment. That's why I wasn't answering the phone the other night…I wasn't avoiding you, I was avoiding everyone because I didn't want anyone to know…I didn't want anyone to know that there had been a possibility and I didn't want anyone to know that I couldn't make up my mind about how I felt about it. I was just a mess…I needed that night to get myself together. I'm sorry, I didn't answer when you called…a part of me was afraid it was my mother and that I wouldn't be able to hide it from her…that I'd end up telling her everything and then have to face her disappointment in me for getting into that situation."

"It's okay; I understand," he told her. "And maybe now I understand even better why you didn't want to tell me since the result was negative…it was a very emotional thing for you…and I understand that."

She sniffled and swiped away her tears as she gently pulled her face away from his grasp. "I don't want you to think that because I felt disappointed that I'd ever try to make it happen on purpose."

"I know you wouldn't do that, sweetheart."

"That's why I showed you the pills," she confessed. "I wanted you to know that I'm taking care of things."

Jim took the bootie from her hand and set it aside with the one he had been holding and took her hand instead. "Jo, if you don't want to take those pills, you don't have to…we'll just be more careful like we should've been doing all along. I…well, I know that the Catholic Church frowns on the usage of those…and I know you're Catholic."

She shook her head. "I'm not worried about that; you know I'm not a pew warmer every Sunday. I believe in God and I respect my religion but that doesn't mean I agree with all of its teachings, because I don't. If God didn't want a woman to have control over her body, he wouldn't have given someone the idea to invent these pills. I really don't think he'd mind. My mother would mind…my mother can never know."

"She's not going to hear it from me…but do you want to take them?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; I think it's best for now. The doctor seemed to think so too…he's the one who suggested it…and by the way he suggested it, I'm assuming he thinks I'm a slut and despite any disappointment I felt, being looked at like you're a whore isn't a good feeling either."

Anger flickered in his veins. "You're not a whore."

"We know that…but other people see you in that situation and think the worst, you know? It doesn't matter if I'm in a loving committed relationship; if I need a pregnancy test and I don't have a ring on my finger…then I'm a tramp."

"I'm sorry he made you feel that way," Jim remarked as he brushed a lock of hair back from her face. "If I had been there I would've punched him for you."

She gave him a wobbly smile, her eyes still glistening with tears as she picked up the baby booties. "I guess I'll have to wait for someone to have use for these," she murmured. "I figure sooner or later, Valerie will have another baby or Colleen will…or Sharon. I guess whoever has one first will get them."

"No, you can't give them away," he protested.

"You're right," she murmured. "I can't give them to someone…if I saw them on a niece or nephew, I'd remember why I bought them and…well, I'd feel like they were on the wrong feet as strange as that sounds. I'll take them back to the store."

"No!" he exclaimed, grabbing them from her hand. "You can't do that."

Puzzlement flicked across her features as she studied him, those little white booties clutched in his hand. "Why not?"

"Because they're for our baby," Jim stated.

"But we don't have a baby…there never was a baby."

"There isn't a baby right now…but one day…"

"One day?" she asked softly.

He nodded; his gaze flicking to her face and then back to the baby booties. "One day we'll have a baby…and he'll need these."

"Jim," she murmured. "Do you know what you're saying?"

"Yeah," he said as he met her eye. "I'm saying that one day we'll have a baby."

Her heart thudded against her ribs, a fresh layer of tears stinging her eyes. "Really?"

"Yes," he stated, his own heart beating wildly, knowing he was in essence making an even bigger commitment to her than he had before…and yet it didn't feel wrong. It didn't terrify him as much as he thought it would.

"But you said you didn't want babies…."

Jim shook his head. "No, I said I wasn't ready…but I really wish you'd just forget everything I said that night…that whole week really, except for the part where I apologized, said I loved you and told you that nothing happened with what's her face because that's the truth. Don't take anything I say seriously when I'm being an ass…I never mean any of it. I gave you the wrong impressions that night and I regret that, because I don't want you thinking that Sharon is right and I'm just going to get tired of you one day and throw you away because I don't see that happening. We're not ready for a baby right now…but some day."

"Some day," she whispered, her fingers reaching out and snagging hold of a bootie.

He nodded. "In a couple years…maybe we'll be more settled then…more ready?"

Johanna smiled. "Yeah."

He returned her smile and looked at the bootie he still held and then handed it back to her. "Then you just put those away somewhere safe until we need them…okay?"

"You really mean it?" she couldn't help but ask, a touch of awe in her voice.

Jim hooked his finger under her chin and drew her close for a long tender kiss. "There's no one else I'd want to have a baby with."

"You're the only one I'd want to have one with too," she whispered.

He gave her a small smile. "Then we'll hang onto those, right?" he asked with a nod at the booties she still held.

"Yeah," Johanna said softly. "We'll keep them…we'll just say I jumped the gun a little with the shopping."

He laughed quietly. "It's okay; no harm done…and one day when there is a baby, you can tell him or her that you were thinking of them before he or she even got here."

A small smile spread across her lips. "That's a sweet thought."

Silence fell for a moment as she carefully put the booties back in the small paper bag. "Jo?" Jim said, catching her attention once again.

"Hmm?"

"If it should happen before we feel like the time is right…that's okay too…I want you to know that. You don't have to be afraid that I'll change my mind…we'd work everything out so that the wrong time would be the right time, okay?"

She nodded. "That makes me feel better."

"Good."

"Do you forgive me for not telling you?" Johanna asked, needing to be sure.

"Of course, sweetheart. I told you, I understand now. I guess I didn't think about how much you'd be feeling and why you'd be scared. I'm sorry that I was rough on you."

"It's okay; like I told you, I felt like I deserved it. I don't want you to think that you can't trust me."

"I don't think that, Jo."

Johanna was quiet for a moment, her teeth worrying her lip as she contemplated something.

"What else is on your mind, sweetheart?" he asked quietly.

"Jim," she said and then trailed off.

"What is it?"

She studied him for a moment as she gathered her courage. "Was there a part of you that was disappointed to hear me say that I wasn't pregnant?" she asked, wondering if that was why he had asked about her feelings and had essentially promised that one day they'd have a baby.

He raked a hand through his hair, his gaze straying to that small bag she had laid aside. "I don't know…at first I was just mad that you didn't tell me that there had been a possibility and I left to take some time to sort it out…and then I just seemed to get madder…"

"I know…you seemed a lot angrier last night than the day before."

"I guess maybe while I was stewing about it…I started to think about how it might not have been the right time but that it wouldn't have been a bad thing. It's not that I don't like babies or anything, I do…they just make me nervous when they cry and seem so delicate…but a baby with you? I guess, like you, I let myself think that it could be nice…I don't know, Jo; maybe I got angrier because I knew the possibility was gone this time. I don't know why I felt that way…I'd rather the timing be better too…but maybe some part of me wouldn't have cared about the push in that direction if it had come down to it. It just felt very jumbled…it was easier to be mad. Sounds crazy, doesn't it?"

Johanna shook her head. "No crazier than me buying a pair of baby booties before I even knew the test results."

Jim took her hand and gave a quiet laugh. "We're quite a pair, aren't we?"

"Yeah," she laughed. "We deserve each other."

He chuckled and pulled her close for another kiss. "I agree."

She smiled and pulled away from him long enough to return the bag to the closet and shut the door. She returned to bed, slipping beneath the covers and turning on her side to face him as he laid back down and turned in her direction. "I'm glad we had this talk," she admitted.

"Me too."

Johanna kissed him. "As much as I've enjoyed our talk tonight, I really need to go to sleep though…I'm so tired."

Jim nodded and pulled her into his arms. "I shouldn't have come so late, sweetheart; I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry; I don't mind…you know that when it's that time, I'm more tired than usual."

"You're right, I do know that," he said before pressing a kiss to her hair. "You go to sleep now; everything is alright."

"I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart. Sweet dreams."

Johanna smiled as she snuggled against him; her tired eyes closing…and sweet dreams of him and the future sweeping across her mind.

Author's Note; Next chapter may have Sharon's wedding in it...and believe it or not, I have deleted scenes for this chapter.