A/N: I feel like my fear of attention and me not wanting to try making things I do popular are connected. Even with the Harry Potter one, I didn't write angst about someone people typically read angst about (and I posted every chapter within two days). I m considering using my "zero idea" in a fandom like Voltron or something one day but I have to have an actual story in mind first ya know. Anyway, enjoy the gay angst.
Chapter 3. After
Kaoru felt very stiff in his neck when he woke up; he had a neck brace on. It only took him a few seconds to remember what happened the night before.
"Fucking idiot, Jiro. Why? Why did you have to go and die?"
A shuffling to his left snapped him out of his inner turmoil.
"You're awake!" Hikaru exclaimed and grabbed Kaoru's hand. Kaoru intertwined their fingers and smiled weakly at his brother. "I'm so glad that I remembered there was no way Rai had asked for you last night. The anniversary of his wife's death is coming up this week, he never wants to meet anyone during that time".
So Hikaru was the one who called for help? It made sense but not even Kaoru had remembered that the anniversary of Rai's wife's death was approaching. At least Hikaru's head was clear enough.
With a weak whisper, Kaoru asked: "And h-how did you kn-know th-that I w-w-".
"Was in danger? Rest your voice Kaoru. That p - Jiro sure did a number on you", Hikaru said angrily and clenched his fist, the one not around Kaoru's hand. Hikaru refrained from calling Jiro a piece of shit, Kaoru assumed. "Anyway, when I thought about our conversation I recognized the way you talked. You went from talking like yourself to talking like you read lines the theatre director just handed to you, and I suddenly remembered the old days when he used that power on others".
Kaoru was very lucky that Hikaru was smarter than everyone thought. Still, Kaoru couldn't help but think that Jiro might have been alive if the soldiers Hikaru sent hadn't interfered. Kaoru did successfully take out one of Jiro's eyes so maybe the fight was over after that? No, Jiro was still fully capable of using his powers even with such a severe injury. The blond boy managed to use his powers to kill two soldiers before he was killed himself. But Jiro was calmer before they were interrupted. The soldiers did scare him because he was one of the Boys who thought that they actually got killed if the military didn't want to use them anymore. However, these were just speculations and Kaoru could realize that. Who knew if Jiro actually would have snapped out of it before and not after killing Kaoru? Maybe the boy would never have regretted the murder either, maybe Jiro was already lost?
"You're thinking too much", Hikaru said and brushed some hairs from Kaoru's face. "But I guess that's what to be expected. I can't believe what happened either… I… I just thought I was just paranoid about him for no reason". Considering that Hikaru was paranoid about everyone, Kaoru would still consider it 'for no reason'. "And I'm really sorry for what happened to you… I'm just so glad that you're alive and that you'll be okay".
Would he be okay? Of course, his injuries would heal but his friend almost killed him and then died instead. In front of him.
"H-Hika… tell K-kyoya that I won't be able to… for a while", Kaoru said and his throat hurt so much.
"Stop talking, I can hear your vocal cords snapping", Hikaru said sternly. "You want me to tell Kyoya that you two won't be able to play for a while?" Kaoru gave him a small nod, the neck brace restricting his head movements. "Will you stay quiet if I promise to do it?" Another small nod from Kaoru. "Okay, I'll talk to the pervert for you. I just hope that he won't think that I'm you".
Kaoru had an image in his head of Kyoya trying to sleep with Hikaru who was screaming at him to get away. He chuckled at the mental image but immediately regretted doing so when the feeling of razor blades dragging over the insides of his throat erupted. It wasn't easy to feel jealous of the made up scenario because he knew that Kyoya and his brother would never happen, even if it was allowed. They couldn't even be in the same room together for very long.
"I want to ask you things like how you are doing", Hikaru said softly. "But, again, I don't want you to use your voice and I think I know the answer".
Kaoru did feel like shit because of what happened, but he actually wanted to ask Hikaru how he was feeling. Hikaru and Jiro might have grown apart because of their own problems, but they had known each other for as long as Jiro and Kaoru had. Yes, Hikaru might have been furious with Jiro at the moment because Jiro did attempt to kill Kaoru after all. But Hikaru would definitely feel bad for his fallen friend when the anger had died down and Kaoru would make sure that he was there for him when that happened. For now, Kaoru wouldn't mention Jiro to Hikaru at all.
"You don't have to stay here for long", Hikaru said. "But you have to take it easy for a couple of days. At least that's what the doctor said".
For a second Kaoru thought that he was talking about Kyoya, but Kyoya didn't work in the hospital area. The Boys' doctors only worked when their patients needed checkups or give blood or something like that. So despite their education and long experience within the medical field, their workload was very limited. Kaoru assumed that limitation could change after the secrets were announced. Because the secrets were the main reason for doctors like Kyoya not being able to do more work.
Some might wonder why Kyoya and his colleges were there in the first place if other doctors could do their job. The reason was that there weren't many doctors there to begin with and only as few as possible knew the secrets, so hiring more doctors doing smaller jobs seemed like the best option. As long as they were kept in the dark of course.
Speaking of Kyoya, he would probably have a lower opinion about zeros now when one of them tried to murder someone in the same building as him. It didn't help that Kyoya did care about Kaoru as well. Personally, Kaoru didn't think that was fair considering that Jiro was out of his mind. Doctors and other soldiers had gone crazy there too and had become violent even without some sort of serum. The only difference between them and Jiro was that Jiro had powers that made his freak outs more intense.
People probably felt relieved that there was one less zero there. There used to be a few more zeros among the Boys, but they had either been moved to another area or died. Apparently, the suicide rate among zeros was very high.
Kaoru yawned; even if his mind was energized by distress, his body was exhausted.
"I probably need to leave soon, but I can stay until you fall asleep", Hikaru said and Kaoru smiled at him before closing his eyes.
It didn't take long for him to fall into the much kinder unconsciousness. Hikaru stroked Kaoru's hair until he was sure that he was sleeping before letting go of his brother's hand. He had mixed emotions about the situation. Of course, he was furious at the person who tried to kill his brother and furious that his brother was wounded. He of course also felt extremely relieved that Kaoru was well, and would have a full recovery, but at the same time scared that he almost lost him. A teeny tiny part of him felt sad about Jiro's fate but he completely refused to think about that. No, Jiro was a murderer who tried to take his twin's life. Jiro didn't deserve his sympathy and grief.
Hikaru looked at the clock and saw that he still had some time before he was expected to go to the late training session, so he decided that he might as well tell Kyoya his brother would be out of commission for a while now. Getting it out of the way.
Hikaru put his hands in his pockets and left the room. He couldn't start a fight with Kyoya, obviously. That would just hurt Kaoru more and Kaoru really didn't need that right now. His brother was literally recovering from attempted murder. Hikaru had to stay civil, at least this time. He still didn't trust the guy but even he had enough common sense to realize that now wasn't the time.
He started to walk down the stairs and through the corridor to the doctors' dorm. He wasn't actually sure which room was Kyoya's but he could probably figure it out when he got there. Hopefully, Kyoya was actually in his room so he hadn't come there in vain.
Hikaru arrived in a small hallway with several doors, noticing that the rooms had last names on them as well as room numbers.
He didn't have to walk for long before he found the door with the name "K. Ootori" on it. Kyoya was one of two Japanese doctors there so him sharing a surname with someone else was highly unlikely.
Hikaru knocked and internally rejoiced at the realization that he wasn't wasting his time when he heard Kyoya unlock the door from the other side. The door opened and Kyoya looked Hikaru up and down before looking at him in distrust.
"What are you doing here, Hikaru? Don't you have somewhere else to be?" Kyoya asked, coldly.
Hikaru was tempted to try to pretend that he was Kaoru at that moment. This fucker didn't deserve his brother. Kaoru should be the one to break off their arrangement, not him. But impersonating Kaoru wouldn't work if Kyoya could tell them apart. A little part of him also realized how fucked up that idea was to begin with.
"How long did it take for you to realize it was me?" Hikaru teased and leaned against the doorframe.
"Not long. I just had to take a better look at you", Kyoya responded and crossed his arms. "Now, why are you here? You're not going to childishly tell me to stay away from your brother, I hope. You don't talk for him".
Hikaru really wanted to hit him but held back.
"No, but I do actually have a message from him".
"Are you sure it's actually from him?" Apparently, Kyoya had expected Hikaru to go through a similar plan to the one Hikaru had previously considered… how dared he?
"I'm trying to do him a favor, asshole", Hikaru said and rolled his eyes even if he didn't have the right to be angry at someone suspecting him of being dishonest. "I'm just here to say that he won't come over tonight, or for the rest of the week probably".
"Oh really?" Kyoya asked skeptically. "And why couldn't he tell me himself? … is he angry at me?" Hikaru swore that Kyoya actually sounded worried at the end of the sentence.
Hikaru again wanted to lie to him, but he didn't want to hurt Kaoru further so he decided not to: "No, he wants to come back. He's just a little… preoccupied at the moment".
"Did something happen to him?" Kyoya asked with a frown.
Fuck, Hikaru forgot to ask Kaoru how much he actually wanted Kyoya to know. Kyoya would probably find out the truth eventually, but Hikaru wasn't sure if he should be the one to tell him. He also couldn't deny that it was rather satisfying to keep something over Kyoya's head.
"You have to ask him when you see each other", Hikaru responded. "And don't give me that look, I'm not keeping this from you to be spiteful".
"You haven't exactly given me any reasons to believe you, Hikaru", Kyoya said sternly. "You have tried to lie before to keep me away from him".
"So don't trust me then, I don't care". Hikaru shrugged. "I did what I came to do. I'm out of here".
Kyoya almost stopped Hikaru when the younger male walked away but prevented himself from doing so. He didn't want to start a huge fight with him and besides, Hikaru wouldn't have been so calm if Kaoru was actually in danger. So there was no need to expect the worst. He could wait for an answer. Still, what happened to Kaoru?
Kyoya closed the door, locked it and walked farther into his apartment. Kaoru was most likely busy preparing for a mission or training, but what if he wasn't actually busy and just couldn't come up with an excuse as to why he couldn't come? Or maybe he had managed to hurt himself again? The logical part of his brain reminded him that Hikaru would have been freaking out more if that was true.
"Maybe Hikaru had already freaked out and was calmer now?" No, stop that.
Maybe Kaoru just had an infection in one of his self-inflicted wounds and didn't want to bring it up with Kyoya because of their previous conversations? Kaoru might have been tired of Kyoya bringing up his scars all the time. Especially when there was a chance that Kyoya's guess was correct.
The doctor, who had previously brought to his attention that Kaoru gave more blood than the other Boys, said that Kyoya's theory made sense. That the reason why Kaoru had to give more blood was that he had a bad reaction to the serum and the higher ups wanted to know why. The Boys had been using a zero's powers to work for the military, why wouldn't one of them start to take on sacrificial zero behaviors? Kyoya hoped that they would eventually find out why Kaoru did that so he could stop hurting himself.
Kyoya sat down at his desk in front of his computer. He tried to continue what he was doing before Hikaru came and interrupted him, but it was difficult. What exactly would take a week for Kaoru to do? Why would he have to stay away for a whole week? His mind couldn't stop wandering to the worst case scenarios but, yet again, the logical part of his brain had to pull him away from those stupid thoughts.
Okay, the logical part of his brain wasn't so logical after all. In fact, it was quite stupid and the emotional part of his brain was correct.
Kyoya was reminded by a previous conversation he and Kaoru had about people like Kaoru not having a private life. Kyoya didn't know if Kaoru wanted what happened to him to leak or not, but it did and spread like a wildfire just the day after Hikaru had visited him.
Everyone knew that there were zeros in the military, but Kyoya didn't think they actually had zeros among normal people. Which had clearly been a stupid idea because one of them went rogue and attacked Kaoru. Kyoya wanted to complain to his boss, but apparently he would have known about Jiro if he had actually tried to read the available files… he was never going to admit that to Kaoru though.
Right now Kyoya was sitting with his colleagues at their usual table in the dining hall. His eyes were casually wandering to Kaoru and the bruises around his neck. Hikaru didn't notice him staring this time because he was too busy fussing over Kaoru.
It felt unreal that the perpetrator had been sitting next to Kaoru all this time (not that Kyoya stared at Kaoru often). The seat next to Kaoru was now empty. Everyone knew about Jiro's fate and most either didn't care or thought that putting him down was the right choice. However, Kyoya could tell by the fact that Kaoru glanced sadly at the empty seat or spaced out that the redhead wasn't one of them.
Those two have known each other for a long time after all. Even if Kyoya wasn't very fond of the boy who tried to kill Kaoru, he still would be careful with how he talked about him around the hurt party. Even if Jiro was a zero. Kaoru wouldn't appreciate hearing bad things about that boy right now…. Even if he did try to kill him. That was still a hard concept to grasp; That Kaoru almost died. A part of him wanted to think that Jiro didn't have much of a chance at killing Kaoru anyway, but that didn't make sense. Kaoru against someone who could possess other people? Kaoru was the one who didn't have a chance.
"Can't look away from the twin?" One of Kyoya's colleges, Shinohara, asked him. "I suppose him getting attacked is the most exciting thing that has happened. At least in a while. But he is your patient, so him being injured might not be as exciting for you".
Kyoya turned to look at Shinohara. "He is my patient but I was still not told about him being attacked. I should have been there to help him", Kyoya said, honestly. He did feel very useless in this situation.
"That's not your job, Ootori", Rosengard chimed in. "Your job is to just do checkups and take his blood".
Rosengard was one of the doctors Kyoya usually talked to. Perhaps because he reminded him of his closest friend back home. He was the one who said that Kyoya's theory was probably correct.
"We're pretty limited. If you wanted to show your skills rather than getting money, you should have worked at a normal hospital", Shinohara said with a shrug. "You should be glad that you don't have to do more for your patient. Jackson wouldn't have had a good time taking care of Baisotei Botan's break down".
"Who?" Kyoya asked, confused.
"That's Jiro's real name. Sorry, I thought you knew that", Shinohara explained.
The name Baisotei did sound familiar to Kyoya, so perhaps he had heard of it before.
Rosengard chuckled. "We say the first names before the last names here".
"Poor you who have to be around weird Japanese people", Shinohara said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.
"Don't use the race card", Rosengard chastised, forgetting that 'Japanese' wasn't a race. "Besides, Kyoya doesn't read any file that he doesn't have to. He probably doesn't even know about the other zero in the Boys. The one who can teleport".
Kyoya turned in his direction so quickly that his neck hurt.
"There is another one?"
"See, what did I tell you", Rosengard told Shinohara with a smirk. "Yes, the last one we have in that department. They put zeros they can't use all the time among the expendables. There used to be more zeros in the Boys… actually most of them were because the Boys were originally used for their own powers. But that didn't work so well".
"Having someone who can control others and someone who can teleport doesn't sound like 'expendables' to me", Kyoya murmured and started to look around suspiciously at the Boys' table like he could figure out who the other zero was. "Why aren't the military using them for their powers? … or did they and I just didn't know because I don't read the files?".
"Not every zero works like the one with the memory dive powers. Most zeros can't actually share their powers with others, unfortunately", Shinohara explained. "And they couldn't be used as spies either. There are ways to see if someone is possessed by a zero so Botan wouldn't have been able to use his powers without giving himself away. And apparently using teleportation craves a bigger sacrifice than the usual zero power does, hence why that zero can't be used that often. Quite a useless power to have in that case".
"You both seem awfully calm, being around zeros", Kyoya commented.
"They are usually pretty harmless", Shinohara said. "Most of them are orphans, so they are just desperate to find a place where they belong. They usually go bad because they trusted the wrong people to take care of them or because they feel alone".
"Sounds a lot like children", Kyoya noted quietly.
"Well, how old do you think Botan Baisotei was?" Shinohara asked.
Rosengard shook his head. "Zeros doesn't work exactly like normal kids. They have a psychological need to hurt others. Hence why they are orphans in the first place".
"That's a normal misconception", Jackson chimed in; he decided to finally join the conversation. "They have a psychological need to use their powers, not necessarily use their powers to hurt other people. The reason why they're orphans is that no one wants something like that as a child. And if they're orphans because they murdered their parents, it's because they either weren't able to control their powers or because they perceived their parents as dangerous".
"But in a study conducted by professor George Montgomery-".
"That study conducted over ten years ago with only two or three zeros?" Jackson cut Rosengard off. "That study isn't recognized in the scientific community in recent years because it was too biased and not well executed. The zeros in the study were murderers but it wasn't said who they killed or when. It turned out that they didn't actually kill their parents and that they were abused before their first kills. Many other studies have debunked the 'killer at birth' theory many times since then. Look, I don't like most zeros either, but at least hate them for the right reason".
"What is the right reason?" Shinohara asked and cleared his throat.
Rosengard was silent; he probably didn't have a rebuttal.
"Fear mostly". Jackson shrugged. "I mean, some of them could kill really easily. Just see what my patient almost did".
Kyoya decided to ask something he had been thinking about for the last few minutes: "What do you think about all this? You were his personal doctor after all".
"I didn't know him that well", Jackson said as nonchalantly as possible, but Kyoya didn't buy that attitude. "But he was nice before he flipped out. I won't deny that".
Kaoru was glad that people started to reduce their amount of staring at his throat. He knew it would die down pretty quickly, quicker than they did with his scars. If only the actual bruising could disappear just as fast as other people's interest in them. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the case. At least his voice was back so he could be thankful for that.
Kaoru stood in front of his bathroom mirror and traced his fingers over the discolored skin. Even if he wasn't thankful for the gift Jiro had left him with, he was still mourning.
Kaoru sighed and unlocked the door to leave the room but his eyes caught a glimpse of his neck in the mirror again. It hit him once more, that he almost died. That's usually where his train of thoughts went eventually.
He hadn't thought much about the future nor the end of his life much before. Only that he should be as useful as possible so he didn't have to think about it. Would he be an old man with scars all over his face with a broken mind that had finally caught up to him? Would he be put down like Jiro? Would he do like the zeros before him and eventually commit suicide? The last one sounded very possible if Hikaru lost his mind and had to be put down as well… was there really nothing else than his brother that he lived for? It would make sense, what else was there to his life?
The bathroom door opened. "You have to stop looking at that", Hikaru said and gently took the hand Kaoru had on his neck. "It only makes you sadder. You're more fixated on the bruises than you are on your scars".
Hikaru slowly pulled Kaoru by the hand out of the bathroom and sat him down on a chair. He then let go of Kaoru's hand and laid down on his own bed.
"It's not the same thing", Kaoru said with a sigh. "The scars are something I just have to live with and they're not dangerous. What happened to me the other night on the other hand… ".
"You're also still feeling sorry for B-".
"Oh Kami, Hikaru. At least use the correct name when you talk about him!" Kaoru exclaimed angrily and Hikaru raised his hands in surrender.
"Okay, okay, you still feel sorry for Jiro and I don't understand why".
It always sounded way too forced when Hikaru tried to use Jiro's birth name. Kaoru didn't want to disrespect Jiro like that and he wouldn't let Hikaru do it as well even if he was angry. Besides, Hikaru would regret the disrespect later when he would finally allow himself to grieve.
"You know why I feel for him, Hikaru. He wasn't thinking straight. The memory diving was making him mad. He could have gotten better". Kaoru crossed his arms. "You know that he's not a bad person".
"Really? He sure acted like one!"
"You're just being emotional! Don't act like memory diving doesn't affect you too".
"It fucking doesn't!"
They glared at each other for a few seconds. Hikaru turned around in his bed so his back was facing Kaoru. Kaoru wanted to call out his childish behavior, but he really wasn't in the mood to fight. Instead, he walked over to his own bed and lied down; facing the wall like Hikaru did. He hoped that sleep would overcome him soon because he didn't want to toss and turn all night. Luckily, if there was a God, he decided to cut Kaoru some slack and Kaoru fell asleep almost immediately.
...
Kaoru stood on top of a small hill. The ground underneath his feet looked like it was covered in grass but it still felt like he was walking on a flat hard surface. The sky was yellow, the sun shined bright and the birds flew with the wind. However, he couldn't feel any of that. He was not warm because of the sun, nor was he chilly from the wind. It felt like he was standing in a lukewarm room. The only sensation he felt was the sensation of some pressure around his neck like he was wearing a collar or something. He didn't think much about it.
"Hi, Kaoru". Kaoru's head snapped in the direction of the voice and saw Jiro. "Well… this is awkward… I'm dead now", Jiro said, like he just told Kaoru that he saw someone pee their pants.
"It's also awkward because you tried to kill me too".
"Yeah, that's true", Jiro said. They smiled at each other and Jiro put his hand on Kaoru's shoulder. "This conversation is surprisingly civil".
"Maybe that's what death does to a guy; makes him sane again", Kaoru joked and Jiro laughed.
"I guess. Makes sense why the zeros before me committed suicide, right?"
"I guess it does", Kaoru answered and put his own hand on Jiro's shoulder. "Must be more pleasant with a quick death though".
"You mean being shot in the head is better than bashing it against the wall?" Jiro asked. "Because I would have to agree… obviously I have only been shot in the head so I have no other deaths to compare mine to".
"Which is probably a good thing. Dying once is enough", Kaoru said and the boys let go of each other. "We haven't talked to each other like this for a long time".
"What do you mean? I don't think we have had this kind of morbid conversation before".
"You know what I mean", Kaoru said quietly and looked down at the ground with a sad expression.
"Don't turn sad on me now. Not when I can finally hold a conversation without being angry or crazy", Jiro joked.
"Debatable", Kaoru teased without looking at him.
"I still meant it when I said that I didn't want you to be sad", Jiro said softly and grabbed Kaoru's shoulders.
"Even if you tried to kill me?" Kaoru asked with a bittersweet laugh.
"Even if I tried to kill you", Jiro reassured quietly.
Both were silent after that. Kaoru didn't know what to think. The logical part of him told him that Jiro only wanted him dead because he needed someone to blame and Kaoru seemed like the best option. It made sense that Jiro wasn't actually mad at him.
"Are you sure about that?" A strange voice from behind him asked, echoing like he was in a big empty room.
"Kaoru", Jiro said, snapping him out of his thoughts. "What's the difference between a dead zero and a normal dead person?"
"I feel like I give you a different answer every time you ask me that", Kaoru murmured.
"It would be quite boring if you answered exactly the same every single time. So what's your answer this time?"
"The difference is that there is a chance that someone will actually mourn the death of a normal person".
"Ouch", Jiro said jokingly. "Wouldn't even another zero mourn a zero's death?"
"Doesn't make the dead zero's life less worthless. No offense, of course, I still mourn you… are you mad at me because of that answer?"
"Eh, more so disappointed", Jiro answered with a shrug. "Feels like we're going in the wrong direction. Would have wanted a more satisfactory answer for the last time I ask the question".
"I'm sorry to disappoint, but technically the last time you asked was years ago. I probably gave a better answer back then that you took to the grave".
"Not much better. But I guess you're right about that being the official last time I asked… if that's how you want to think about it".
"Maybe I could have given you a better answer in the future if you stayed alive long enough".
"Maybe, yeah. I do have an alternative answer to you now though", Jiro said and frowned because Kaoru still looked at the grass instead of him.
"What is it?" Kaoru asked.
"It's…". Jiro became silent and it felt like everything was shifting. The light green grass was now dark and dead and the sun turned to a red moon that stained the sky scarlet. "It's that wherever some die a zero or normal… their life is still less useless than yours, Kaoru".
The hands on Kaoru's shoulders wrapped themselves around Kaoru's neck instead. Kaoru panicked and started to try to pry away the fingers but his limbs were too weak. He finally looked up at Jiro's face, but it wasn't Jiro anymore. It was Kyoya.
"Just wait", Kyoya said. "Soon I won't care for you anymore either… and it's not because I'm insane, you…"...
...
Kaoru woke up; cold and sweaty. He was hyperventilating and his heart was beating fast. It was still too early to be awake, but Kaoru was not planning on falling asleep again anytime soon.
He looked around the room until his eyes landed on Hikaru. Kaoru was suddenly filled with fury instead of fear. He leaped out of his bed and into his brother's. Hikaru startled awake and raised his hand to protect himself from the weak punches Kaoru was directing in his way. Kaoru didn't use a lot of force, partly because he was too exhausted and partly because he deep down didn't want to hurt his brother (too badly). However, the punches still hurt.
"Wha-what the fuck are you doing!?" Hikaru exclaimed. He wanted to push Kaoru, but he wasn't fully awake yet and was still slow.
"You didn't fucking leave me alone!"
"What are you talking about!?"
"You know what I mean! You know exactly what I'm talking about!"
"I don't! You're acting fucking crazy!"
"If you didn't do anything then show me!" Kaoru demanded.
"I don't-".
"I SAID SHOW ME!"
Hikaru finally managed to push Kaoru off of him so the younger twin hit the ground.
"Are you alright?" Hikaru asked when Kaoru didn't do anything that indicated that he was going to stand up. "I didn't push too hard, did I?"
"You know what? Fuck it". Kaoru flew up from the ground and stormed out of the room with Hikaru calling after him.
Kaoru didn't care right now, he didn't care if he freaked out and attacked his brother, nor did he care about the mistakes he unavoidably would do next. He wasn't even sure where he was going. Going to Kyoya was tempting but he really didn't want to bother the other man. Also, he should probably see him less often so the rejection wouldn't be as painful. But God, he was already hurting now.
Kaoru stopped his mindless wandering when he heard someone singing quietly. It was dark in the hallway but a quick look around told him that he was outside of Rai's office. Apparently, Kaoru was so pathetic that this was the best option after Hikaru and Kyoya. The office door was slightly open and Kaoru discovered pretty quickly that it was there the singing came from.
"Sir?" Kaoru called, confused with not an inch of anger left in his body. "Have you been dri - isn't it late?"
Kaoru had to be extra careful now when the general was drunk. The chance of seriously pissing him off had increased greatly.
"K-Kaoru?" The general called.
"Yes, sir, it's me", Kaoru answered back.
"C-come here here". It sounded more like a plea rather than an order.
"Are you alright, sir?" Kaoru asked and stepped into the room.
He closed the door behind him and turned on the lights. A red faced Rai, who was sitting behind his desk with a huge bottle in front of him, blinked a couple of times to adjust to the sudden brightness. The man looked broken. Despite that, Kaoru couldn't see any signs of crying on his face, but maybe he was just good at hiding it.
Kaoru had been around him when he was drunk before, but it was mostly at work parties (if you could even call them that, it was mostly large meetings with healthy snacks and "adult juice"). It was not a pleasant experience. Rai usually kept to himself around the time of the anniversary of his wife's death. Kaoru should probably not have been there for his own sake, but maybe he could help? He did owe that to him after all.
"I don't want to be alone", Rai said. Unlike other drunk people, he could still talk almost like he wasn't drunk at all. Sometimes it was difficult to see if he had drunk too much or not.
"You're not alone, I'm here", Kaoru said softly and walked over to the desk.
He made sure to not get too close or sit down. It was even more important now to not do anything to provoke the older male.
"You know what true love is, Kaoru?"
"No, sir".
"That's right, little boy. You don't know how it feels to have anyone besides your brother loving you". Rai didn't sound like he was trying to be mean, more like he stated a simple fact. Still, it did hurt at least a little. It wouldn't usually have bothered him that much, but the circumstances were different.
"I don't, sir, no", Kaoru answered.
"I don't think you will ever understand", Rai said with a hiccup. "But it's the best thing that could happen to you, in a period of time, and the worst thing that could happen to you after that period of time is over. I know that I'm not exactly young, but she wasn't old enough to die yet".
"She wasn't, no". It was difficult for Kaoru to know when he was supposed to speak and what he was supposed to say. Saying nothing at all was not an option, he had to show that he was truly listening.
"She didn't do anything dangerous either, unlike people in your situation. She just existed and she became ill. She did nothing".
"Death is very unfair, sir, I agree". Kaoru tried to sound as caring and calm as he could but internally he was freaking out. The way Rai talked suggested that he could get into a murderous rage like Jiro had previously. He could only hope for the best.
"All of you should have died before her".
"... Yes, sir". It felt like Kaoru was almost encouraging Rai to kill him now, but disagreeing with the older male would definitely make it worse.
General Rai looked at Kaoru for a few seconds before smiling softly and beckoning him to walk closer. Without hesitation, Kaoru complied and tensed up when Rai wrapped his arms around his middle.
"I haven't hugged anyone in a while", the drunk man whispered and buried his face in Kaoru's stomach.
This wasn't at all what Kaoru had expected. Even if the situation made him very uncomfortable, it was way better than what Kaoru had feared so he had no relevant complaints. Instead, he put his arms loosely around Rai's shoulder in an awkward hug. He wasn't exactly sure about how long they would stay like this. Hopefully not too long. The high temperature in his body caused by the stress from his uneasy sleep was gone and the wind hitting the now cold sweat on his exposed legs and arms made him chilly. Not the most appropriate outfit for the occasion, but he did just wake up and Rai hadn't mentioned his clothes yet.
"This is a little weird", Rai said.
"Because you usually don't hug men or because you're hugging me?"
He decided to try to lighten up the conversation when it seems like they were in the clear for now.
"Both I guess… mostly the first option so don't be discouraged by your first try at comforting someone who is not lacking as much testosterone as you are". He was talking about Hikaru.
"I can assure you that I have testosterone. Do you see tits on me?"
"No, but I see barely hairy legs, little one", Rai teased and put a hand on the naked part of Kaoru's thigh to emphasize what he meant.
"I have blonde body hair. My head hair used to be that color too when I was born".
"-And you're Asian. That doesn't help to make you more masculine", Rai commented with a chuckle and Kaoru didn't feel brave enough right now to call him out for that comment… not that he would have been brave enough to call him out otherwise.
Kaoru had to constantly remind himself that Rai was intoxicated. It was odd that Rai didn't act the way drunk people normally act with the slurred speech and all, but boy did he become more emotional. At least awkward hugs weren't the worst thing that could happen.
Rai's hand was still on his leg. Kaoru assumed that Rai was just too exhausted to move at all at this point but a cold shiver ran down his spine when the general started to massage the spot instead.
"What are you doing, sir?" Kaoru asked and hoped that he was just overreacting due to his own tiredness.
"Nothing bad", Rai murmured sleepily. The arm that was still wrapped around Kaoru's middle started to play with the hem of his shirt.
"I'm still a boy, sir", Kaoru reminded him, trying to stay calm but at the same time mentally preparing himself to push Rai away and get to the help button under Rai's desk.
The original purpose of the help button was to alarm the guards if Rai ever was ever attacked… but in the last few years, it had also become a way to alarm the guards if Rai was the one attacking as well. Rai being the attacker was a given during the anniversary of his wife's death. Who he was attacking every year was a mystery to Kaoru. He wasn't sure exactly who Rai was attacking who wasn't part of the boys. Maybe someone else below him in rank but Kaoru highly doubted he would ever attack any doctors.
"Not when the light is off", Rai answered. "I can pretend that you're someone else. I will pretend that you're someone else".
Taking advantage of the fact that Rai wasn't using his full strength yet to hold him still, Kaoru put his hands on Rai's chest gently, to not raise alarm, before pushing him harshly from his chair down to the ground. The force behind the action was necessary because the way Rai talked didn't indicate that Kaoru had any choice on the matter. Running away would be futile if Rai got up in time and clicked the button on his desk that locked the door. Sending for the guards seemed like a better idea.
Rai recovered quickly from the initial shock and flew up from the ground with rage written all over his face. It was far too risky to get to the help button right now because it was too close to the general; Kaoru had to lure him away. Rai took steps closer to Kaoru as Kaoru quickly backed away from his oncoming attacks.
"I'm sorry… that was stupid of me", Kaoru apologized slowly with his heart beating frantically in his chest. "I am not completely awake yet so my brain doesn't work as decently as usual. I'm sorry, please!" His excuses and pleas fell upon deaf ears. Instead, Rai clicked the door locking button on his desk and continued to slowly follow Kaoru.
Kaoru stopped moving when his back was one meter away from the door and launched himself to the side as Rai was about to push him into the hard surface. Kaoru fell to the floor, jumped back up again, ran as fast as he could to the desk and jumped over it. The bottle was knocked down and shattered into pieces, the liquid started to soak the carpet. He landed on the office chair and fell off it when the chair rolled backward. Kaoru's left shoulder and elbow hit the ground harder than the rest of him and the impact sent an electric shock throughout the rest of the arm. Luckily, nothing felt broken.
Kaoru quickly sat up and clicked the big red button on the control panel. He dared to crawl to the side so he could peak at Rai from the end of the desk to see why he wasn't currently on him. The older male was faster and stronger in every way so Kaoru shouldn't just be injured by his own fall at this point. Whatever slight ounce of hope he might have had disappeared when he saw Rai push down one of the big bookcases in front of the door. The books fell to the floor and Rai was far too angry to care about it. The general must have thought that Kaoru was going after the unlock button, which was a testament to how drunk he actually was. Normally, he would have understood that he would have gone for the red button like everyone else had in similar situations. However, this was still really, really bad. It would be much harder for Kaoru to get out and much harder for the guards to get in.
Rai turned around to look at Kaoru and Kaoru quickly retracted and looked at the button again. He rejoiced when he saw that the little light inside of it was on; that meant that help was on the way.
Kaoru heard a loud 'bang', which made him jump in surprise and look up. Rai had slammed down his hands on the surface of the wooden desk to either scare Kaoru or get his attention. In return, Kaoru picked up the metal trash can, stood up and threw it at Rai's face to distract him while he ran past him. Unfortunately, Rai managed to block it with his hands and grabbed Kaoru's arm harshly before he could get far. Kaoru tried to pry his fingers off him but it was no use. He could only try to embrace himself for impact. Rai tied the fist that wasn't holding onto Kaoru and hit him right in the stomach to reduce his ability to fight back for at least a few seconds. It felt like Kaoru was about to throw up and he didn't have much time to fight to get his breath back before Rai threw him on the desk and started to throw punches at his face.
Every hit inflicted more and more pain. Every time Rai's fist touched his face, a severe sting flared up before the area turned really warm like his face was burning. Kaoru continued to beg him to stop and used his free arm to protect himself, but Rai just ignored his words and took both of his smaller hands into one of his much bigger ones before continuing the assault.
The tears and his own swelling flesh made it harder to see and he fought to not choke on his own nosebleed and mouth blood. He was no longer able to beg and soon he wouldn't be able to struggle either.
A loud banging on the office door, and someone calling for the general with a stern voice, temporarily distracted Rai. Kaoru saw his chance to get away in that short second and decided to act instantly. He couldn't use all of his force in the position he was in, but he mustered up as much of his strength as he could to knee Rai in the groan with his left leg. Rai groaned and let go of Kaoru's sore wrists so he could cover his hurt private parts. Kaoru took advantage of that moment as well and used his right leg to kick him in the chest so he fell backward and hit his head on the ground.
"Help!" Kaoru yelled and coughed when some of his blood went down his throat. "Please help me! Quick!"
He was continuously, and against his will, swallowing his own blood, which made his throat sore and raw. There wasn't anything hurting inside of his mouth so he concluded that the blood only came from his nose, but a lot of it went back down his throat instead of out of his nostrils. Disgusting but at least he hadn't lost any teeth. He had never been so thankful for intoxication.
Not having Rai immediately pound on him again made him worried so he looked in Rai's direction and was relieved to see that he wasn't unconscious. Rai wasn't unharmed of course because his head was bleeding, but he was sitting up wide awake with his hand on his forehead; Kaoru hadn't accidentally killed him. It wasn't clear if Rai planned to attack again or if he had enough… the look in his eyes definitely said that he didn't have enough, but his body was hurt. Maybe a little head injury wouldn't really be enough to stop him though.
Kaoru wanted to spit out the blood on the floor instead of constantly swallowing it, but he couldn't risk making the situation worse if there was a chance that the situation would escalate.
Slowly and meticulously, Rai stood up and swayed slightly like he was light headed. Kaoru flinched when Rai took a step closer to him. Rai took another slow and careful step closer to Kaoru and Kaoru ran towards the desk and grabbed the first object he could come across, a pair of scissors.
"Are you going to c-cut my hair?" Rai teased, his speech finally starting to slur, due to the blow to the head rather than the alcohol. "Or s-stab me in the eye t-too? Getting a nasty habit of doing that".
Kaoru lowered the scissors a little, subconsciously.
"I'm sorry, sir", Kaoru whispered. "I don't want you to do anything you'll regret".
"L-last time you s-s… defend yourself", Rai forced out and hit himself in the head to make himself speak more clearly. "Someone d-died".
"That wasn't my intention, sir". Kaoru let go of the scissors so they fell to the carpeted floor before pushing them under the desk with his foot. He was trying to sound as calm and unbothered as possible even if the mention of his late friend made him want to cry. "I'm not going to try to kill you, either intentionally or on accident. Just taking pre-". Kaoru swallowed down a big chunk of curdled blood; again, disgusting. "Precautions, sir".
Kaoru hadn't realized that even if Rai was drunk, he was still aware enough to use Kaoru's guilt over Jiro's death to disarm him. Rai, knowing that his balance was off, decided to be as fast as possible when he launched himself at the boy before he could lose his footing. Kaoru yelped as they fell and he groaned loudly in pain when he landed on the ground with the much larger man on top of him. He was lucky that the carpet was kind of soft because otherwise he would have really damaged his head.
Rai grabbed Kaoru's arms and pinned him to the ground. Kaoru desperately looked for an opening but found none so he decided to play dirty and spit blood in Rai's face. Luckily he hit Rai right in the eye so the older male couldn't just ignore it. Rai swore loudly in pain and disgust, let go of one of Kaoru's hands to wipe away the blood and Kaoru took that moment to punch Rai straight in the face. Kaoru then rolled to the side so Rai lost his balance and fell to the floor. Kaoru stood up and jumped over the desk again, more carefully this time, with Rai right after him. He spotted a door and ran right into the small bathroom and locked the door after him. He heard Rai bang on the door but it seemed sturdy enough to hold him back for at least a short amount of time. At least hopefully long enough for Kaoru to come up with a way to defend himself in case the drunk man managed to come into the bathroom before the guards could stop messing around.
There was another door at the end of the bathroom, leading to a small office bedroom for long work hours, but it was locked when Kaoru tried to open it. Which meant a smaller chance at getting away and a smaller amount of things to defend himself with.
Kaoru looked around frantically to find some sort of weapon: this time determined that he wouldn't chicken out thanks to guilt (he hoped). He opened the cabinet above the sink and found only pill bottles, toothpaste, a toothbrush and some floss. He didn't have much more luck when he looked through the cabinet under the sink and the one next to the shower where he found towels, shampoo, toilet paper and cleaning supplies. He didn't even find a first aid kit that was supposed to be in every bathroom, which instead probably was in the office. Not that he had the time to patch himself up yet, but it still would have been nice.
"Perfect if my intent was to kill myself by overdose and then clean up afterward", Kaoru murmured with an annoyed groan. "But not useful for anything else".
The loud banging on the door continued and Rai started to repeatedly call his name and order him to open the door. Kaoru thought that he even heard him threaten to make sure that he was out of the mission if he didn't open, but Kaoru knew better than to take his words for it. Instead, he continued to look around until his eyes fell on something standing next to the bathtub. His vision was still not the best because of the swelling around his eyes, but when he walked closer he could see that it was another bottle of alcohol. Apparently keeping them around in every room was a necessity for a grieving alcoholic.
Kaoru hurried to the bottle and picked it up. Now he had two choices in front of him; he could either wait behind the door and smash the bottle on Rai's head, and potentially cause him severe head damage, or he could smash parts of the bottle now and use the shards as knives. The first option sounded better just because Rai could get immediate help for his concussion and there was a chance that he would just get knocked out. With the second option he could very easily really hurt Rai, maybe accidentally stab him so he could bleed out and die. It didn't matter how scary Rai could be when he was angry, he didn't deserve to die and Kaoru knew he couldn't live with himself if he was the one to kill him either. Another friend wouldn't die because of him.
Luckily, it didn't seem like he had to plan an attack. A loud crash shook the entire bathroom. The banging on the bathroom door stopped. Kaoru heard the guards yell at Rai to calm down to no avail and fighting clearly ensued. The guards wouldn't kill Rai, maybe sedate him but not kill. The general was worth too much, so Kaoru didn't have to worry that history would repeat itself.
Deciding that he was in the clear, Kaoru breathed out a sigh of relief and spit a huge chunk of spit and blood on the door out of spite. Rai wouldn't know it was from him anyway and it was the only "revenge" he would ever be able to get. Even spitting on the door felt a little too much and he had to fight the urge to clean it up.
Now when Kaoru could finally rest his heart he could feel the damage done to him. Kaoru refused to look in the mirror but he felt a burning numbness all over his face and a sharp pain in his nose. He would clearly have two black eyes as well but at least his nose wasn't bleeding anymore. The disgusting taste of blood and the sore throat still remained, but that would go away with time.
Logically he did the right thing, he knew that. He knew his rights and he had every right to refuse to have sex with his superiors (or anyone for that matter). It was also something Rai himself didn't actually want to do and he would have been disgusted with himself when he sobered up again. So the rejection was the best choice for both of them. However, Kaoru still couldn't help but think that he made the situation so much worse than it could have been. He could have been smarter, acted less scared and emotional, and defused the situation in another way. Like instead of pushing Rai away from him he could have lied and said that he had a sexually transmitted disease of some kind? The general wouldn't have questioned the logic behind that since people assumed that Kaoru was sleeping around. Kaoru could have prevented both of them from getting hurt. He knew that Rai could get violent when angered, especially while drunk, and he still made him angry. You have to accommodate different people and Kaoru failed to do that.
Having the shit beaten out of him again and the emotional turmoil building up again made his eyes water.
"I need I… I just need to wash my mouth!" Kaoru exclaimed desperately and opened the alcohol bottle. "I just need to stop tasting blood, I'll be better! I just need to not look at myself then and I'll just stop thinking".
He knew his thoughts didn't make sense, of course he did. But it felt nice to pretend that making himself feel as normal as possible physically would make the situation better.
Kaoru brought the rim of the bottle to his lips and filled his mouth with the disgusting liquid. He swirled it around for a couple of seconds while his eyes watered from the burn before spitting it out in the sink. The wine red water flushed down the drain. His mouth felt weird but at least the alcoholic taste replaced the previous one in no time. Water would have done the trick too but he didn't think of that until now. Besides, it felt like the alcohol cleaned out his mouth better than water would have despite the not so pleasant aftertaste.
Things didn't get better even if he didn't taste blood anymore. He knew deep down that nothing would just change the situation, but he still felt a sense of hopelessness and disappointment anyway. Going back to his room to get comforted by Hikaru sounded tempting, but it wouldn't be a good idea in the long run. At least it wouldn't be a good idea to go to Hikaru right now.
You had to be careful with how you responded to certain things Hikaru did. For example, if you forgave him or asked for help too quickly after an argument, Hikaru would never learn anything. He would just assume that every fight from there on about the same subject was just Kaoru overreacting and that he was right and would still get his way. So for the sake of Hikaru's personal development (and sanity) Kaoru couldn't go to him yet. Going to the hospital was a logical option but he needed more emotional support right now. His ugly face would heal, nothing was probably broken either because Rai's aim was off thanks to the alcohol. He needed something that could help his emotional turmoil… and his emotional mind knew exactly what that was.
Kaoru put down the bottle on the floor and opened the cabinet above the sink again. Careful to not accidentally get a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he grabbed the toothpaste. He poured some on two of his fingers and started to rub his teeth with it.
Someone knocked on the door. "Is somebody in there? Are you alive?" A voice called, from one of the guards. He didn't sound that he cared much if Kaoru was well or not as long as Rai committed murder.
"I-". It was hard to speak with toothpaste in his mouth so he quickly rinsed his mouth out with some tap water. "I'm alive. Is he gone?"
"He is restrained. You can come out now, we need to check that you don't need any medical attention".
Kaoru walked over to the door and unlocked it. The guard opened it immediately after and his eyes widened when he realized who it was.
"Are you Kaoru?"
"Yes?"
"Dammit, are you alright?" The guard started to check Kaoru's face. "Nothing looks broken here, anywhere else?"
"No, it's only the face", Kaoru answered, bitterly. "Maybe one bruise on the stomach but-".
The guard immediately grabbed his shirt and pulled it upwards so he could examine. The action reminded Kaoru of what Rai tried to do earlier and it made him feel more queasy and desperate to get out of there.
"Nothing serious", the guard noted and let go of the shirt. "I hope you have learned your lesson. You shouldn't be here when he is like this".
"Yeah… I know". Kaoru looked down at the ground.
"Now get out". The guard gestured to him to leave. "Forget that this happened and go to bed… and stop getting yourself into these kinds of situations".
"Okay", Kaoru said, defeated, and left the bathroom.
He took a look around the office while he walked past the desk towards the exit. It was clear that there had been a fight and there was no doubt in his mind that it would look normal there again in no time like nothing had happened.
Two guards were restraining Rai outside in the hallway. Rai sneered at Kaoru when he walked past him with his head down.
"They only care because you're an asset!" Rai exclaimed. "They won't give a fuck what I do to you when they don't need you anymore! Disgusting little freak!"
Kaoru wouldn't have taken that to heart if he didn't care about the man. Hearing these things hurt. Not because he wasn't fully aware that he wouldn't be worth anything anymore in the future, but because of who it was who said it and the intention to hurt him.
He started to walk faster until he was running with Rai yelling after him.
When he was so far away that he couldn't hear Rai anymore, he stopped to catch his breath. He grabbed his own hair harshly while whispering to himself over and over again: "Don't cry, you'll be fine…. Don't cry, you'll be fine… don't cry, you'll be fine".
He let go of his hair and started to walk again. This time he wasn't just trying to get away from Rai. No, he had a direction in mind.
The red head stopped in front of a familiar door. He knocked while trying to swallow the lump in his throat. Kaoru didn't want to think about everything that had been stressing him out lately. He didn't want to think about what happened before, what happened today or what would happen in the future. Just for one moment, he wanted to just not think.
The door opened. The light in the room was still off, which was something Kaoru had hoped for and he immediately pounced on the older male before he could reach the light switch. Kaoru wrapped his arms around Kyoya's neck and pressed his lips roughly against his. Kyoya was shocked for a moment but quickly responded by returning the kiss just as hungrily, pulling the door behind Kaoru close and wrapping his arms around the tinier boy.
Kyoya shoved Kaoru into the door and placed one of his hands on Kaoru's cheek, but immediately retracted it like he had burned himself. He quickly untangled himself from the red head and turned on the lights. The hunger in his eyes turned into shock and horror.
"Kaoru-". He was cut off by Kaoru's lips on his once again.
Kaoru was annoyed that Kyoya didn't kiss him back so he lowered his lips to suck on Kyoya's jaw instead, it was high enough to not freak the older male out. Kyoya grabbed Kaoru's shoulders and yanked him away from him. Kaoru looked up at him with a bothered look only to be met by the disbelief in Kyoya's wide eyes.
"What are you doing? What happened to you?" Kyoya was trying to sound professional and composed but his worry and anger still seeped through the cracks. It comforted Kaoru to see that he cared since he had been treated so coldly.
"You know what I'm doing", Kaoru murmured. "I'm clearly not here to talk about what happened, am I?"
Kaoru tried to get closer again but Kyoya's grip on him was strong enough to hold him back.
"No- what… I'm not going to let you use me as a distraction, Kaoru".
Kyoya sounded a little disappointed and offended. He let go of Kaoru because he stopped trying to jump him. Kaoru couldn't hold back his tears anymore. This. Fucking…
"So what? You're allowed to use me but I d-don't get to return the f-favor?"
Kaoru was full on sobbing now. He felt angry at Kyoya's hypocrisy, yet guilty that he tried to do the same thing. He had no right to ask anything of Kyoya. Kaoru should have never come here. The need for comfort made him forget that.
It felt disgusting to cry in front of someone who wasn't Hikaru, especially because the person he cried in front of was Kyoya. He must have looked so weak and repugnant. Having a beat up ugly face didn't help either. The shame felt unbearable. Why couldn't Rai just have knocked him out cold so he could just have woken up in the infirmary instead of making things worse?
Kaoru turned away from Kyoya with his face down. He refused to look the older male in the eye.
"I'm sorry. I'll just go", Kaoru managed to choke out.
Before he could touch the door handle, he felt Kyoya grab his upper arm firmly but gently. They stayed like that for a few seconds before Kaoru started to try, rather half-assed, to tug his arm back. Kyoya didn't budge, he only pulled Kaoru closer to him and wrapped his other arm around him.
This was a hug, right? Why was Kyoya hugging him? Did he feel guilty? Did he feel pity? Did he just want him to stop crying? No, Kyoya wasn't heartless and if he really didn't want to hear Kaoru cry he would have just let him leave.
Kyoya removed the hand that held onto Kaoru's arm, bent down slightly and grabbed the back of Kaoru's leg before lifting him up bridal style. Kaoru yelped in surprise and held onto Kyoya for dear life.
"Wha-what are you doing!?" Kaoru exclaimed but received no answer.
Kyoya looked determined and Kaoru wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not.
Kyoya carried Kaoru into the bedroom and gently threw him on the bed. Kaoru quickly sat up.
"You don't have to do anything! I shouldn't have tried to-". Kaoru tried to get away again but Kyoya gently pushed him down again. "I'm serious! I… ".
Kyoya lied down on top of Kaoru and pushed his lips against his. The kiss was much sweeter than usual and Kyoya's hands didn't explore his body or tried to undress him while kissing for once either.
Normally, that would have made Kaoru melt on the inside but he was too anxious. Kyoya was probably forcing himself to be like this for, for… for some reason. Maybe he felt guilty or something? Kaoru wasn't sure but it felt wrong, it felt like he was in some unexplainable way using Kyoya. That might have been what he came for but he really didn't have the heart to actually go through with it.
Kyoya stopped kissing the unresponsive boy and crawled down Kaoru's body until he was facing Kaoru's stomach. He looked up at Kaoru who was just about to object again.
"Can I make you feel good?" Kyoya asked quietly, which silenced Kaoru before he could say anything. "Or do you not want me to?"
Kyoya sat up with his hands playing, absent-mindedly, with the zipper of Kaoru's shorts. It was not like Kaoru didn't want to go further. It's just that he wasn't sure what Kyoya's intentions were and how this would affect them. Kyoya was most likely aware that Kaoru didn't think that Kyoya actually wanted to do this. Maybe he intentionally asked if he could make him "feel good" rather than "feel better" just so Kaoru wouldn't freak out. Of course, Kaoru couldn't actually prove that train of thought ever happened. Perhaps Kaoru should try to just trust Kyoya that he wasn't a weak person who just gave in, unlike Kaoru?
Kaoru bit his lip and nodded at him before laying his head down on the bed again.
"Cute", Kyoya murmured under his breath before starting to unzip Kaoru's pants.
Kaoru's face heated up despite not really knowing what Kyoya was talking about. Perhaps he meant that the quiet submission was cute because Kaoru knew for sure that his face wasn't very cute at the moment. He wondered for a moment if he should cover his up face but decided that it would be a bigger mood killer than his appearance. Acting overly self-conscious couldn't be much of a turn on unless you just generally had issues.
Kyoya pulled down Kaoru's shorts, past his ankles, and threw them on the floor. He left Kaoru's body for a few seconds to retrieve the lube he kept in his drawer next to the bed. Then he placed another hard kiss on Kaoru's lips, and Kaoru kissed back this time, before returning to his previous position close to Kaoru's crouch.
This wasn't usually how they did things. This time around Kyoya was slower, more affectionate in a way. Kaoru didn't know how to feel about it. He didn't really think it was unpleasant, but because he couldn't read Kyoya's mind the affection felt kind of fake. Especially if they were just going to fuck as usual.
Just like the shorts, Kaoru's underwear was quickly discarded as well and he flinched when the cold air hit his lower parts. He wasn't really hard yet but that hadn't really stopped them before.
A hand wrapped around his member and Kaoru jolted in surprise at the out of the blue contact. Kaoru raised himself up in his forearms and looked down at the older male.
"Ehm… what are-".
"You're not worked up yet", Kyoya said with a small smirk while stroking his length up and down.
Kaoru bit back the small groans that tried to escape his lips. "Th-that haven't be-been important b-before", Kaoru breathed out with a quiet whine.
Kyoya stopped for a second and Kaoru thought that he saw a hint of guilt in his face before Kyoya looked down and continued to stroke him. Kaoru decided to keep quiet and lie back down again. He didn't want to make the situation awkward in any way.
Kyoya stopped moving his hand when Kaoru was half hard and the familiar sound of the cap of the lube bottle echoed silently. Kaoru spread his legs for the next step only to be surprised by something wet and warm around the tip of his member. He yelped in surprise and looked down again only to see the concentration on Kyoya's face as the man slowly took in as much of him into his mouth as he could. Kaoru whined and pressed his arm over his lips to not allow the sounds to escape.
This was something Kaoru hadn't experienced before. On this end at least, he had given oral before a few times but never received. The initial shock made it harder for him to decide if he liked this new sensation or not.
When the older male started to bob his head and suck on him, the shock quickly disappeared and there was no doubt in his mind that he really did like this. Kaoru still muffled his moans in his arm and grabbed the sheets for support.
"Ky-ah", escaped Kaoru's lips when he didn't press his arm against them to silence his noises good enough.
A wet finger was entering him, but the pleasure made it feel less weird than it usually did. On instinct, Kaoru spread his legs apart a little farther and bent them so they were closer to his body. Kyoya pushed in another finger alongside the other one, knowing Kaoru's body enough by now to know that it wouldn't be too much, and started to thrust them in and out of him. Kaoru's moans were harder to hold back when Kyoya quickly found that sweet spot. It wasn't quite the same as having a cock inside of him but the pleasure around his own length more than made up for it.
"K-yoya!" Kaoru cried; this time both of his hands were holding onto the sheets for dear life.
That seemed to encourage Kyoya because he pushed in a third finger and thrust into him more harshly while sucking down more of him. Kaoru's face scrunched up and he whined loudly as he came. Kyoya retrieved his fingers and pulled Kaoru's soft member out of his mouth. He made a face when he swallowed. Kaoru could relate, but it did look hot from this point of view so he could see why Kyoya asked him to swallow instead of spitting it out.
Kyoya had a strange look on his face and Kaoru desperately wanted to hold him, for both of their sake. He knew exactly why he wanted to hold Kyoya but couldn't exactly point out why he was so sure that Kyoya wanted a hug too. Kaoru extended his hands in Kyoya's direction with a pleading look on his face. He didn't care if he looked pathetic and needy or that he was half naked and sweaty.
Kyoya looked at him for a few seconds and Kaoru felt like he was going to cry again, but did his best not to so Kyoya wouldn't either look down on him or feel obligated to give him affection out of guilt. To Kaoru's surprise, Kyoya crawled up his body, lied down next to him and pulled him closer. Kaoru was taken aback for a moment before wrapping his arms around the older male and closed his eyes. He didn't know what this moment meant, but he intended to just enjoy it. In time they wouldn't talk anymore and Kaoru just had to accept that. But at least he could relish and get as much out of the time they had left together as possible.
For once he let himself pretend that Kyoya felt something deeper for him while he stopped pretending that he didn't feel anything much deeper for Kyoya.