Zero

by TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter

Many people were suddenly born with strange powers they have to pay a painful price for. Like humans do when something happens that they don't understand, they try to get rid of what they see as a threat... or use it to their advantage, and maybe that's even worse. What could be the next step in the evolution is used to further ta us back. (Updated description)

4. Chapter 4 Not what you want

A/N: I do feel some level of shame from posting smut... buuut not enough to remove all the scenes I've already written. They fit in this story, which these kinds of scenes really didn't in my previous fic. The thing I regret the most is adding internal thoughts. I have no idea what I was thinking. They come up so rarely and could just have been formatted like the rest of the text. Well, too late to change that now.

I want to make it clear that just because I write the characters a certain way doesn't it mean that I write my opinions. I went into this story wanting it to be messed up. I am usually someone who is very very suspicious when it comes to certain age gaps. So that was (so far I can remember) the part I am most disgusted with.

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Chapter 4. Not what you want.

Kyoya detangled himself from the embrace and sat up after a few minutes. Kaoru opened his eyes and gave him a puzzled look.

"I'm just going to the bathroom to clean myself up… stay here?" Kyoya said, or more like asked with some uncertainty, and Kaoru nodded.

Kyoya stood up and disappeared into the bathroom. Kaoru really wanted to get out of there because he was scared of what was happening. It felt like something would come that he wasn't prepared for. They would have to either talk about this or awkwardly ignore it and Kaoru didn't find either of those options appealing in the slightest. However, he knew that this would become so much worse if he just up and left now. Kaoru could tell that Kyoya needed him to be there when he came back. It would also feel even more like Kaoru had used Kyoya if he just left after they had sex… speaking of, had Kyoya ever felt bad when he was getting distant after intercourse? No, he probably hadn't even thought about it, going by the guilt and shame on Kyoya's face when Kaoru mentioned that he didn't get much attention during foreplay.

Kaoru leaned over the edge and picked up his underwear before putting them on despite still being covered in some lube. He wanted to feel a little less naked. If they also started to fight he didn't have to fear that he would run angrily out of the room exposed.

Kyoya returned with a first aid kit. Kaoru could see relief in his face when he saw that Kaoru was still on his bed.

"Let me take a look at you now", Kyoya said sternly and sat down on the bed next to Kaoru. "And then you'll tell me exactly what happened".

Kyoya put the medical kit down and tilted Kaoru's head closer to him with his hands. Kaoru could smell the mint in his breath. He really couldn't blame Kyoya for wanting to brush his teeth.

"No serious injuries", Kaoru assured. "Someone already checked".

"That someone couldn't have been a medical professional or someone who really wanted to make sure that you were okay since you still have dried blood on your nose and face". Kyoya removed a package of wet paper towels from the kit. "You should have been properly tended to is all I'm saying".

Kyoya was about to clean Kaoru's forehead with one of the paper towels but Kaoru took it from him and rubbed his face with it himself.

When he was done, Kyoya took it back and wiped a little blood off his chin.

"You had a little left. But it's expected of you to miss that when you don't have a mirror", Kyoya explained and threw the wet paper towel in the bin close to his bed.

Kaoru almost answered that he didn't actually want to look at his face, but decided against it.

"I guess", Kaoru awkwardly answered. He could have made a lame joke about his twin usually being his mirror but he wasn't in the mood. "But see, you didn't need to bring the medical kit".

"You don't have any wounds anywhere else?" Kyoya further inquired and Kaoru shook his head. "That's good. Now tell me what happened and stop trying to avoid the subject. Did another one of the Boys attack you?"

"Is that a guess or do you have any other reason to think that we regularly beat each other up?" Kaoru teased. "Or is this your way of asking if this was the work of another zero?"

"I have no idea what I'm expecting to hear", Kyoya said. "But I don't know who else would get away with beating you up than either one of the Boys or maybe a soldier. Don't tell me that I have to read your file to be able to know what happened".

Kaoru chuckled. "You really should read it though. You won't get the truth about this particular situation from it but you should read it anyway". Kaoru extended his hand towards Kyoya. "I'll tell you what happened if you promise to read my file".

"Why is it so important to you? Aren't you tired of people judging you after just reading your file?" Kyoya frowned. "You just said that the truth about this incident wouldn't be there. Don't you want me to hear things from your perspective?"

"Promise. Me". Kaoru sounded both stern and pleading at the same time.

Kyoya sighed and reluctantly shook Kaoru's hand. "I promise to read it tomorrow. Even if I still don't understand why it's so important". Kyoya let go of Kaoru's hand, which Kaoru later placed in his own lap.

"And I don't understand why it's so hard for you to read the file". Kaoru rolled his eyes. "If you don't read it I won't tell you anything else you ask about. Even if it's things that you can't even find in there, like this. Anyway, this wasn't one of the Boys' doing, it was general Rai. He has a temper, you probably know about that. I shouldn't have been in his office when he was drunk. Lesson learned".

"I have heard about his temper, yes". Kyoya sounded a tad bit angry now. "Apparently, he needs therapy much more than I previously thought if he attacks people when he is drunk".

"He can attack when he's not drunk too", Kaoru chimed in nonchalantly. "That's just a part of who he is. It's just easier to make him angry when he is intoxicated".

"Have he hit you before?"

"Kyoya… ".

"Have he hit you before!?" Kyoya exclaimed and Kaoru flinched and closed his eyes. Kyoya calmed down a bit because of that reaction. "Did you… did you expect me to hit you right now?"

"That's what a lot of people do when they're angry".

"What- no! Only people who need serious help hit others when they are angry! I wouldn't even have hit you if you were the one I was angry at right now".

Kaoru was really confused. "But they told me that this isn't something odd. Everyone knows that Rai becomes violent sometimes. I wouldn't have been hurt if I wasn't with him at a time when he was the most distressed. I was the one who made him angry in the first place!"

"Do you know why none of the doctors have complained about being attacked by him?" Kyoya was clearly trying to control his anger. "It's because we aren't a part of this made up world inside of this base, a world that doesn't follow the same rules as the outside one. The only reason they want to pretend that this behavior is acceptable is because they need and respect Rai. And Rai only attacks people below his rank because it makes it easier for other people to let him be".

"He isn't a cold monster, Kyoya! You weren't there! You don't know what I did to make him angry!"

"It doesn't matter if you made fun of his dead wife or acted like an awful human being. In the outside world, he would have been punished for hurting you like this. Did you attack him first?"

"... I...".

"Was his attack self-defense?"

"Well, no. But I did push him first!"

"Push as in pushing away? Did you push him away because he did something?"

"Yes but-".

"Kaoru, he was the one who made the situation worse. Not you".

"I-I could have told him off!"

"You don't sound very convincing here", Kyoya scoffed. "What it sounds like to me is that you used self-defense and he got pissed at you for going against him. It's scary how much you defend him".

"He is my friend and there nothing is wrong with his behavior! Some people don't need trauma, they are just different".

"Lashing out to the point of hurting another human being with little remorse is not the same as being a little quirky, Kaoru. Stop trying to excuse his behavior. What he is doing is a literal crime. People are only telling you that this is normal because they gain something from it. He is the one who did wrong. This is not your fault".

Kaoru was silent for a few minutes, confused about what he was supposed to think or how to feel.

"Do you think I'm stupid for not believing that I didn't do anything to deserve this?" Kaoru pointed at his own face.

"I don't think you're stupid", Kyoya said sadly. "I think you have been taken advantage of. I might be frustrated that you believe that you deserved this, but I'm not mad at you. This shouldn't have happened… no one should hurt you".

Kyoya's voice sounded so gentle and kind at the end that it broke Kaoru's heart. Kaoru wished he could believe Kyoya so Kyoya wouldn't be upset anymore. That fact that Rai's violent behavior was illegal despite how Kaoru had acted wasn't enough to truly convince him that he wasn't at least just as much to blame for what happened... Was it even illegal? Kyoya wouldn't just lie about Rai breaking the law, but he wouldn't have broken the law if Kaoru hadn't made him angry in the first place… right? He started to question things now. Perhaps he would have been able to see things differently if Hikaru had taken his place?

"Once again, I'm not angry with you", Kyoya said softly and caressed Kaoru's cheek. "I just want to make sure that you don't think that I am".

"Why do you care?" Kaoru spat and leaned backward, away from his touch. He wasn't going to let Kyoya get closer to him if he was just going to push him away in the future again. "You said- ".

"Can you stop using my stubbornness against me?" Kyoya spat back. "Or do you actually believe that I don't believe in you? Because it feels like you're trying to tell me over and over again that I don't really care about you because you want to convince both of us that I don't. I was determined to not care about anyone here and treat everything like just business and you use that to make me stop probing in your business and push me away". Kaoru's eyes widened in surprise and he was speechless. "You know deep down that I care about you. Maybe you don't not always. Maybe you are constantly trying to convince yourself that I'm not… maybe me not showing that I cared for you much before helped you convince yourself that I actually don't".

Realization seemed to hit Kyoya at that moment. Kaoru had never expected to have this conversation. Kyoya was correct. Kaoru had always reminded Kyoya that he wasn't supposed to care about him every time Kyoya got too close and asked too many questions. Kyoya wasn't the only one being distant, not the only one afraid. In any other situation, this conversation would have been a positive thing. Both would have confessed that they cared for each other and maybe a romance could have begun to grow, but that was in a world where Kaoru was a good person who deserved a happy ending. Kaoru really wanted to see if he could make Kyoya care for him in a way that wasn't just friendly, but that was something he couldn't do for both of their sake. Before this point in time, Kaoru had thought mostly about his own heart break, but now he had to save Kyoya's feelings as well. It was bad enough that Kyoya cared, but him caring too much would end horribly.

Kaoru chuckled sadly. "How long did it take for you to accept that you cared for a little shit like me?" Kaoru joked.

"Longer than it should have", Kyoya reluctantly admitted. "Me becoming really angry at someone who hurts you was a big clue".

"Maybe you shouldn't fuck someone you have to be around next time if you don't want to cat- start to care", Kaoru teased. He almost said 'catch feelings' and that would have opened a door he didn't want to open.

"Maybe not, but you were just so cute", Kyoya teased and Kaoru's cheeks heated up a little more.

"Th-That's good", Kaoru said and cleared his voice. "It would be quite sad otherwise, that my brother is my only friend here".

"Having one friend isn't sad… but having more can probably be more… enjoyable for you". Kyoya sounded awkward and both sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"I… can I use your bathroom real quick?" Kaoru asked.

"You have never asked before so you don't have to start now".

"It seemed a little impolite to just walk away when we're sitting here bonding".

Kyoya chuckled. "I can see what you mean. Go ahead". Kyoya gave Kaoru one more smile before going over to his desk to work on his computer.

Kaoru sighed and stood up from the bed as well. He walked through the room and into the bathroom. With the door locked behind him, he could finally allow himself to breathe and think, away from Kyoya's line of sight. Was Kyoya disappointed in him for calling him a friend? Was Kaoru supposed to assume that Kyoya meant that he wanted him more than a friend should? Because that wasn't clear to Kaoru. You can care about someone you sleep with without deep feelings being involved… that might not have worked out on Kaoru's part, but he had never experienced any healthy romantic relationships before. Kyoya probably had, he had probably dated several people and had several friends with benefits that he hadn't had feelings for… or maybe he had fallen for previous friends with benefits and it was just an occurring theme for him. No, that didn't sound like Kyoya. It did sound more like the description of Kyoya's best friend.

Kaoru went about his business since he actually did have to use the bathroom. He washed his hands and made the mistake of looking up. Seeing himself in the mirror, he jumped in surprise and made a small noise from the back of his throat. He had refused to look at his face before but now he couldn't look away. It was horrifyingly disgusting. His face was swollen like it had grown twice in size and was covered in a crude pattern of bruises. It made sense why it hurt so much after the initial numbness, but still…So disgusting. Kaoru wasn't sure why his reaction was like this. The relief that he escaped possible death again, or relief that he didn't have any serious injuries, simply didn't exist in his mind at that moment.

Injuries, and most importantly injuries on the face, wasn't new to him. Maybe it was new to this extent, but as someone who had prepared himself for a future with permanent scars over his entire body, these insecurities didn't make a lick of sense. Being around someone he really liked might have been the reason why he was suddenly so bothered about this. That did sound very likely.

A soft knock broke him out of his thoughts.

"Are you okay? You have been there for quite some time now after flushing. Before you ask, yes you can hear the toilet flushing from my room so I wasn't being a creep". Kaoru heard Kyoya from the other side of the door.

"Remind me to never poop in your bathroom ever again then", Kaoru joked, ignoring the question. "Hearing someone using the bathroom sounds like a big mood killer".

"Having an accident in bed because you didn't use the bathroom is an even bigger 'mood killer'". Kyoya chuckled. "If you're wondering about the bottle on the sink… I didn't exactly become unbothered before when I got you off".

Kaoru blushed when he turned his head and saw what bottle Kyoya meant. He hadn't actually noticed it because he was too busy being disgusted with himself, but seeing that Kyoya had to take care of business even when Kaoru looked the way he did felt really flattering… and a little guilt-inducing.

"I never returned the favor", Kaoru uttered.

"You have given more than you have received in the past so don't think about that. Besides, we have plenty of opportunities to satisfy both of us in the future", Kyoya murmured and Kaoru could picture the smug smirk on his face.

"Sounds good to me", Kaoru answered with a grin and unlocked the door. "However, we both should probably go back to sleep. It's late".

Kyoya stood right in front of him when he stepped out of the bathroom. "You won't have a lot of hours left. It's pretty early in the morning", Kyoya said while looking straight into Kaoru's eyes. "You will give your brother quite the scare I'd imagine as well… because of your wounds I mean".

"How can you be so sure that he doesn't already know I'm hurt?"

"I don't think he would have let you out of his sight if that was the case. Besides, if you were able to go to him for the comfort you wouldn't have gone here in the first place". Kyoya wasn't wrong. "I assume you had a fight?"

"We did. But it's nothing you need to worry about".

"So, it was not about you and I?"

"No. This fight was about something ridiculous".

"I think him starting fights over the fact that you have some sort of relationship with anyone but him is ridiculous".

"Of course you do", Kaoru chuckled. "You don't really understand what overprotectiveness does to someone".

"Maybe not… Or maybe I do", Kyoya said quietly, still not breaking eye contact with Kaoru.

Kaoru chuckled again, this time a little more nervously. Not nervous as in scared, he was just a little taken aback and flattered.

"I shouldn't keep you up any longer and I am getting really tired myself".

"You should definitely rest", Kyoya agreed as Kaoru walked past him. "You have had a rough night".

"And I have been quite emotional too". Kaoru paused next to the door and turned to look at Kyoya again. "I didn't plan on crying in front of you like that. Quite embarrassing".

"You were tired and hurt", Kyoya said, picked up Kaoru's shorts from the ground and walked over to him. "Don't think I'm going to look down on you for something like that".

Kaoru blushed again and grabbed the shorts from Kyoya. He mumbled an embarrassed 'thanks' before quickly putting them on.

"I'm not complaining about the sight if you would rather keep them off", Kyoya smirked. "But I assume you didn't want to show off your underwear to everyone you might stumble upon on your way back to your room".

"Yeah", Kaoru said with a nervous laugh. "I forgot about my attire. I'm more tired than I thought… well, I`ll leave now".

"Are you sure that you have the energy to face Hikaru's concern now?"

"He'll be asleep when I get back and I have to face him eventually. Can't ignore him until my face looks normal again, can I?"

"Like you ignored me after you were attacked the previous time?" Kyoya teased but frowned at the guilty expression on Kaoru's face. "Don't look at me like that. I'm just joking. I would have acted the same way if I was in your position. But you don't have to avoid me this time". Kyoya ruffled Kaoru's hair and Kaoru chuckled.

"Yeah… hopefully, people will stop attacking me so I can look normal again soon". Kaoru unconsciously traced his fingers over the yellow bruises on his neck. He almost said 'so I won't look ugly anymore' but decided against it.

"I agree", Kyoya muttered as Kaoru turned around and opened the door. "But once again, Kaoru, none of these attacks were your fault".

Kaoru temporarily stopped in his tracks before stepping out of the room.

"Goodnight, Kyoya".

"Goodnight, Kaoru", Kyoya said warmly. "Try to stop blaming yourself".

Kaoru slowly nodded, knowing that Kyoya could see his head moving up and down from behind, before walking away. He heard Kyoya lock the door behind him and he could finally be truly alone with his thoughts... Did Kyoya want him to stay? Because it sure felt like he was dragging out the conversation. And why was he trying so hard to convince Kaoru to stop blaming himself for what had happened? Sure, if Kyoya truly cared and he was right about Kaoru being innocent then obviously he would make sure that Kaoru didn't take the blame. However, there was a certain desperation in his actions. Normally, the man would have been able to realize that you can't convince someone to change their way of thinking just like that. Maybe a doctor like Kyoya was just tired of seeing people in the same position as Kaoru and couldn't stay professional anymore when it was about someone he had more personal connections to? Who knows?

Kaoru quietly tiptoed into his room and internally rejoiced when he discovered that Hikaru was asleep. He had fully expected him to be awake; why would he fall asleep when his brother was running away in anger? Hikaru must have been extremely tired and decided that Kaoru would come back as soon as he had calmed down and that nothing bad would happen… Hikaru would certainly lose more trust in other people after this. Neat, that was EXACTLY what Kaoru had wanted. He shouldn't have left his room in the first place...

"... None of these attacks were your fault", Kyoya's voice echoed in his head. "Try to stop blaming yourself".

Kaoru forced those thoughts out of his head. Kyoya only said those things because he thought that Kaoru was a good person. Kyoya's truth would come out when the truth came out. Kaoru had to stop the desperation inside of him who wanted to believe Kyoya's sweet words. Because the same words would eventually turn into poison, a poison that would damage both of them. He couldn't let that happen.

Kaoru lied down in his bed without pulling the blanket over him and closed his eyes. In a few hours, it would be morning, his brother would freak out, everyone would know about the attack but not care enough to see if Kaoru was okay. Perhaps one of his superiors would talk to him about the importance of letting go of what Rai did to him and he eventually had to face said man as well. Now he had to push all of that to the back burner so he could fall asleep. Just temporarily forget everything so he could get at least a few hours of the night. However, it's easier said than done.

---

It felt like Kaoru and Kyoya had been dancing around each other lately. Or maybe they played some game of cat and mouse. At times Kaoru suspected that Kyoya wanted more from him. Sometimes Kyoya looked at Kaoru in a certain way or sneaked in a few touches while they had conversations. Kaoru usually put some sort of distance between them when that happened and he got the impression that Kyoya was more annoyed by it rather than rejected since he knew for sure now about Kaoru's true feelings. Despite Kaoru dismissing Kyoya's more affectionate advances, he really didn't want Kyoya to stop. It wasn't like he could just change his feelings just because he couldn't have him. Kaoru would undeniably be a lot sadder when Kyoya decided to give up on (maybe, perhaps) pursuing him.

This was a mess. Everything would be more clear after Kyoya finally got to know the truth. Which would be pretty soon now. It would get so much harder before it got better, that's what Kaoru had to tell himself.

Kaoru was currently back in Rai's office, one week after he was attacked. The Boy was initially scared when he entered the room but seeing how the mess was cleaned up and how cheerful the general was put him at ease. At least slightly.

"It's pretty remarkable, little one", Rai beamed. "You can stop being worried that you won't be able to join the mission just because you haven't been able to keep up with the training as much as you wanted. You're still improving and your stats look promising. At least your stamina and body look good".

That was the worst attempt at trying to tell Kaoru that they shouldn't dwell on what had happened and not take it too seriously; by making fun of his face. Kaoru didn't even fake a laugh, even in fear that the general would get angry with him because of how sad that jab made him.

He knew that Rai probably didn't mean to hurt him but shouldn't Kaoru (the one who got beat up) be the one to take the first step to show that the incident was behind them? Was it always going to be this simple for Rai to never take responsibility for hurting someone? Had he been forgiven too many times that he didn't think that he had to feel bad? Was he making that joke partly because he wanted to lower Kaoru's self-confidence so Kaoru would remain passive? Maybe Kyoya's words had hit Kaoru harder than he had previously thought. Now he couldn't stop analyzing other people's behavior against him.

"I'm glad that I'm still in decently good shape, sir", Kaoru answered as professionally as he could.

Rai clearly looked a little disappointed that he hadn't joined in on the joke but decided not to mention it.

"I've heard that you have another mind diving session soon", Rai commented.

"Yes, sir. Tomorrow".

"You should probably rest for that. Maybe that will make sure that you don't pass out too early again".

Kaoru had a short chuckle.

"We can hope, sir. Am I dismissed?"

"Yes, boy. You are dismissed", Rai smiled at him before returning to his paperwork.

Kaoru turned around and walked to the door, but stopped when Rai addressed him again.

"You have done really good Kaoru. I want to thank you for not letting me do… you know what, with you", Rai said nonchalantly and Kaoru closed his eyes while trying to calm himself down. But he wasn't exactly sure why he was freaking out. "Because that would have been disgusting. Nothing against fags of course, because I know you are one of those, right? And I don't care… hope you're not a little sissy who can't handle that big boy word. Anyway, it would have been as horrible for me as being with a woman would have been for you… or maybe you're just a fag because you can't have a girl. I don't know how that works and I don't judge… the point is that you did a really good thing and took the consequences like a champ. I'm proud as well as I'm thankful".

"Of course, sir", Kaoru uttered only loud enough for the general to hear. "I wouldn't want you to make a horrible mistake".

Kaoru wanted to further clarify that the mistake Rai almost committed was a lot worse than almost drunkenly sleeping with a man. Rai had hinted that Kaoru didn't have a choice and that was crossing into dangerous territory. He didn't know if Rai legitimately didn't remember what he was about to do or if he was trying to convince himself that it wasn't that bad. Probably the second option because why else would Rai think that Kaoru had to push him off him?

"You are on the right track, son. You can go now", Rai said and Kaoru quickly exited the office before Rai could give him another reason to stay.

Before the meeting, Kaoru thought that this is what he had wanted. That it would be a good thing if they acted like nothing had happened and just talked like normal. However, Kaoru was still terrified of that man and felt more hurt than expected by the fact that his pain was so invalidated. Of course, he had been afraid of Rai previously but now he felt sick being in the same room. He wasn't sure if it was because this was the worst beating he had ever received from Rai, that Rai wanted to force himself on him or those two things combined with Rai not seeming to care about his feelings on the matter.

Kaoru had definitely been attacked and hurt psychically severely before, but this was by someone he knew. It didn't feel as big of a betrayal as when Jiro attacked him because Jiro was a closer friend that hadn't hit Kaoru previously, but this still left him feeling completely awful. Hopefully, he would be more comfortable with Rai soon. They were still friends after all.

Everyone knew what had happened now, but nobody gave it near as much attention as when Kaoru was attacked by Jiro. It wasn't surprising, even if he was definitely more injured by Rai than Jiro. Because one of the perpetrators was a highly important general that everyone wanted to protect and the other one was an "insane" zero.

Kyoya was definitely the only one who showed that he thought that Rai was completely in the wrong. Sure Hikaru was mad at that man for what he did to his brother, but he also angrily told Kaoru that he shouldn't have been there in the first place. Kaoru hadn't told anyone what Rai had actually tried to do and he planned on keeping it that way. How was he even supposed to bring it up and what would it change? It would be for the best if he just tried to let it go.

Kaoru entered his bedroom only to be met by his brother who immediately grabbed him to see if he had any new wounds.

"Are you going to be just as suspicious every time I talk to him?" Kaoru rolled his eyes.

"You never know what kind of mood he will be in", Hikaru muttered and tried to pull up Kaoru's shirt to see if he had any bruises there but Kaoru stopped him with a glare.

"You can just ask me if he did anything. No need to invade my privacy". Kaoru crossed his arms over his chest.

"You didn't wake me up when you came back!" Hikaru exclaimed. "You let me wait and be scared in the morning without an immediate explanation!"

"That was not my intention, I was exhausted afterward", Kaoru said and sighed in frustration before his mood changed from annoyed to insecure. "Do you think this was my fault?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think it was my fault I got hurt? That I should be the one to blame for being beaten up?"

"Why are you suddenly asking this?" Hikaru asked, which hinted to Kaoru that Hikaru did in fact believe the blame was his since he didn't answer the question immediately.

However, Kaoru used to be just as convinced so that didn't tell him much about Hikaru's stubbornness over this.

"Kyoya told me that it wasn't my fault and that Rai was actually breaking the law". Perhaps mentioning Kyoya wasn't the best approach, but Kaoru needed to talk about this. "He really tried to convince me to not blame myself and he doesn't seem to be very fond of Rai now, to say the least".

"You're sure he didn't just say that so he could more easily talk you into bed, you know despite your distress?" Hikaru asked, suspicious.

"I'm absolutely sure. He never made a move during that conversation and tried to tell me not to take the blame even as I was leaving".

They did have sex before that but that was because… he wasn't actually sure why and it was probably for the best if Hikaru didn't know about that. It wasn't relevant.

"Okay… ". Hikaru was deep in thoughts for a few minutes. "Is there something… else he could have gained from telling you that?" He finally asked.

"No. He just told me that he cared about me", Kaoru added. He wanted to desperately talk about his "friend-or-more"- situation with Kyoya as well but he had literally no one to discuss with. Hikaru would only throw a fit and wouldn't be able to set aside his own feelings.

"I don't know how I feel about that", Hikaru said and narrowed his eyes. "But I don't see why he would be lying about it being illegal". Kaoru's mouth dropped in shock. "If he cares about you, I can relate. I don't like seeing you hurt… but I haven't heard anything different. But I have questioned it… maybe I just agree with Kyoya because it validates my own thoughts? … I don't know".

"Sooooo... you don't think I should blame myself?"

"I'm a little split… I don't want you to blame yourself", Hikaru said hesitantly. "You didn't ask for him to hurt you and you didn't attack him… I hate to see when you take the blame for things you didn't do". Kaoru assumed that was a hint at the Jiro situation. "But I have been told, we both have been, by everyone that this is normal".

If Hikaru was willing to agree with Kyoya (at least a little), then something was definitely off. Hikaru was the kind of person who could disagree with someone out of spite, but maybe his judgment was clouded too? If Hikaru and Kyoya cared about Kaoru and didn't want to see him hurt, then wouldn't they be a little biased? Kaoru didn't know what to think anymore.

"I may not know exactly what I think about that", Hikaru said. "But at least I know that you shouldn't take what happened to you personally. It would have happened to anyone else... actually, it does happen to some poor bastard nearly every year".

That didn't make Kaoru feel better in the slightest. He already felt like Rai didn't give a shit about him and now thinking about what would have happened if another Boy had been in his place… would that Boy even have the inner strength to not let Rai have his way with him? Would that Boy even think about the help button in that situation? Maybe Kaoru should give the Boys more credit; they weren't all helpless little children who were afraid of saying no. However, some of them had definitely proved before that they couldn't say no to their superiors…

"Kaoru, are you really up for the mission later?" Hikaru snapped Kaoru out of his thoughts. "You can stay back if you want to. This isn't a big mission, I mean hardly any Boys are attending".

"I don't want to stay back if I can avoid it". "And I want to be as useful as possible while they still think I am worth something". "Besides, I really don't need to be physically healed for a memory dive".

"I guess you're right", Hikaru chuckled. "You have always been a stubborn person. Remember when we were little? When you desperately wanted to cross a stream in the forest, a few minutes from our house, but fell and hit your head?" Kaoru raised an eyebrow. "That was the only time you got a scar that wasn't self-inflicted and you still, several years later, don't think that it was a bad choice". Hikaru chuckled again.

"Hikaru… we didn't live near a forest before we came here", Kaoru explained. "We lived in a poor district in the middle of a town. No forest in sight".

Hikaru chuckled again. "Your memory is bad Kaoru. We didn't live in a poor area and we lived pretty close to a forest. You have a scar on your head because you tried to jump and land on a log in the middle of a stream but was swept under and were rammed into the bridge".

"No, I have a scar on my head because someone, probably a homeless man, hit me over the head with a pipe", Kaoru said and Hikaru stopped smiling. "But it would have been nice if we did live close to a forest. Would have been a nice memory".

"Yes, it is a nice memory. You would have known if you didn't try to forget everything that happened before we got here", Hikaru jabbed, now annoyed.

Kaoru glared at him.

"I haven't tried to forget that time period, not that I would have been able to control my own memories. You are clearly the one not remembering shit".

"I do remember!" Hikaru exclaimed angrily. To others, it would have looked like they were fighting over nothing, but that couldn't be further from the truth. "You are obviously the one who doesn't remember or you're messing with me".

"I'm not messing with you". Kaoru sighed. "I'm just telling you that you remembered something incorrectly. Don't you think I would remember how I got a head scar? It's not a weird thing to forget-".

"Because you think I'm affected by memory diving?" Hikaru finished in disbelief.

"I never said that. Anyone could remember things wrong and-".

"But you were implying it", Hikaru accused. "I'm not losing my mind Kaoru. I know my memory is the correct one!"

"How come your story doesn't align with mine?"

"Because you don't fucking remember how a fucking forest looks like!" Hikaru exclaimed. "All your self-worth and meaning remain within the base. You don't let yourself remember what happened before we got here! I bet you don't even remember what our mother looked like".

"I can't repress that much. You probably don't remember her either consider how bad your memory is!"

"Fuck off, Kaoru!"

They glared at each other before Hikaru stormed out of the room. Kaoru wasn't worried about their relationship, he knew that they would talk like nothing happened later. He also needed to go through his thoughts without being disturbed so going after Hikaru wasn't an appealing choice even if he could mend things immediately.

Kaoru did feel bad for how this escalated, but most of all he was concerned. How could Hikaru remember a false memory so clearly? What memory dive did that memory even come from? Hikaru's retelling was too clear and detailed to not belong to a real person. Is every single memory going to be replaced for Hikaru? Is this what had happened to the previous Boys?

Kaoru tugged his hair in frustration, but not hard enough to pull it all the way off. Hikaru's mind was going, and it was going fast. Kaoru didn't want to lose him, especially not him, not him too. Could Kaoru prevent this somehow? No, Hikaru wouldn't let him. Could Kaoru convince his superiors that Hikaru had to be discharged? Sure that would make Kaoru incredibly alone, even if Kyoya still wanted to be with him, and Hikaru would be mad at him, but if it could probably prolong Hikaru's insanity then why did it matter?

"You're just overreacting, Kaoru", he told himself. "The time before we arrived at the base was a long long time ago. Anyone would forget something… ".

Another thought hit him; speaking of false memories, what did their mom look like? Kaoru previously assumed that she looked like them, but how could he be so sure? Was that actually how she looked like or was it just an assumption on his part? Maybe the brothers mostly resembled their dad? … and the fact that Kaoru couldn't state that with certainty made him worried. What did his parents look like? What about their grandparents? Did they have another sibling? Aren't these questions he should have the answers to!?

Kaoru hadn't thought about his family in a very long time. Why would he have? It's not like they were going to see each other ever again. The twins must have been around ten or eleven years old when they joined the military. They left their parents a few years before that… or their parents most likely left them. Kaoru should probably visit his disclosed file and see for himself, even if the whole truth might not be there. It wasn't relevant to the military about who left who after all. It was kind of ironic that Kaoru was telling himself to read his file for once, but his state of mind prevented him from seeing what was funny about it.

Kaoru sat down on his bed with his hand on his head; something started to pulsate uncomfortably at his temples.

"When can everything just stop?"

---

There was a knock on general Rai's door. Rai looked up from his papers and told the person on the other side to come in but be quick. Kyoya entered shortly.

"Ah, I thought for a moment that you were Kaoru", Rai chuckled. "Not just because he is getting a bit of a habit of popping in without notice, I also don't get many visits".

Kyoya narrowed his eyes slightly at that but kept his polite smile on his face.

"Can I sit down? I'm not going to stay for too long, don't worry. I just want to discuss something quickly".

"Yeah sure, sure. You don't need to ask", Rai said and it didn't surprise Kyoya that he was already clearly treated better than Kaoru had been.

Kyoya sat down on the chair in front of Rai's desk.

"I think introducing myself is a good first step in this conversation", Kyoya said. "My name is Kyoya Ootori, I am Kaoru's personal doctor".

"Ah, his new one", Rai chuckled. "You're not here trying to be a knight for him, right? His last doctor was a little pussy who twisted in his seat while he stuttered through his sentences, and the doctor before that tried to report me".

"What would I be a knight about?" Kyoya raised an eyebrow. "You sound a little defensive, very uncommon for someone who believes he did nothing wrong". Rai wasn't smiling anymore. "Back to the subject. I'm not here to find out exactly what happened that night. I just want to make sure that my patient stops being injured so much". Kyoya had a professional smile on his face.

"Why do you care? I know Kaoru didn't send you. He is not one of those fags who are pussies", Rai said and didn't seem to notice the twitch in Kyoya's eye. "You new doctors never know how things work here".

"And you military people seem to forget how things work in the real world", Kyoya shot back, still smiling. "Or maybe you're not entirely oblivious. Your hands are twitching; you're holding yourself back from charging. Something you wouldn't have done if I was my patient. You know I could take legal action against you. Not to your superiors like previous doctors have threatened, but to the authorities outside … but did you know that I could take legal action against your superiors as well for endangering people, including minors? Wouldn't be the best case scenario if these things leaked considering how hard your superiors are trying to convince the authorities and the rest of the outside world that this place is humane".

"You will regret this later, you know", Rai said with clenched teeth.

"Is that a threat?" Kyoya asked, looking unbothered.

"No, of course not. I'm not like that. I don't appreciate how you speak like you know me. I'm not a bad person". Kyoya gave him a 'are you sure?' look. "That was a warning. Not a threat, a warning. You don't know him either or what he has done".

"I have read his file", Kyoya assured. "I was a little taken aback but I trust that he is another person now. I understand his choices".

"I'm not talking about that, even if it's weird that you are so calm about it", Rai laughed humorlessly. "I'm talking about things that will be revealed about him soon. Something that's not in any of his available files".

Kyoya raised an eyebrow. "And what could that be?"

Rai shook his head. "You have to wait and see. You'll know when everyone else does. And you'll most likely regret this conversation when you do. I'll look forward to your apology".

"You think Kaoru possibly being a horrible person erases the fact that you attack children and teenagers?" Kyoya asked and Rai stopped smiling again.

Kyoya could really tell that Rai did his best to prevent himself from screaming or attacking. Which proved Kyoya's theory; Rai wasn't as impulsive as everyone made him out to be. He clearly had trouble with controlling his anger, but he could hold back (at least for a while so Kyoya didn't intend on staying much longer). Which made the man sink even lower in Kyoya's eyes.

Rai didn't say anything so Kyoya continued: "To avoid making things harder for yourself and your superiors, I suggest you get help for those anger issues of yours".

Kyoya stood up, brushed away some dust from his lap and walked to the door. He turned to look at Rai one last time with a fake kind smile.

"Thank you for this lovely conversation. I hope you'll have a nice day".

As soon as Kyoya stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him, he heard a huge crash. Like something large just hit the door behind him, a chair. Probably the same one Kyoya had previously been sitting on because the one behind the desk was pretty big and not even Rai would have been able to throw that across the room. The general was quick in his movements and Kyoya hoped that Rai hadn't meant to hit him. Rai hopefully just needed to take out his frustration and wanted to scare the doctor at the same time.

It immediately felt better to be out of that office. Kyoya might have been acting calmly and not been too scared, but being around the general was still a little difficult. Partly because the dislike and anger Rai sent his way was mutual. Kyoya had intended in the beginning to not get into others' business but he couldn't cope for long with the fact that this could not only happen again but that Kaoru would blame himself once more. Two things Kyoya didn't want to see again.

However, he started to wonder what Rai was talking about before. What could Kaoru have done that would make him deserving of being abused? Kyoya couldn't come up with anything and he knew a lot of the horrible things Kaoru had done. But most of those things were either pre-military, at the beginning of the military or in self-defense. Kaoru had been a child during those times. Even if he had enjoyed hurting people back then, Kyoya didn't see that kind of sadist in Kaoru now. Kyoya didn't care if that made him a bad person... but...

Kyoya had to admit that it was a relief for him to learn that Kaoru was 17. He had assumed that Kaoru was at least 20 but later got worried when he heard a off hand comment and realized that Kaoru was younger probably than that… the fear of what Kaoru's age would be was one of the reasons why Kyoya didn't want to read Kaoru's files. Did this make Kyoya come off as a bit of a creep? Yes, because Kyoya should have either stopped their hookups or figured out his age earlier. Kyoya knew that. He didn't want to stop what they had going on and he relied on that Kaoru would tell him if he was far too young. Seventeen still felt a little weird to Kyoya, even if both of them originated from a country with a lower age of consent. Kyoya was still 26, so doing anything with a teenager felt bad. Didn't matter if it was legal in their current country and state or not. If this was the beginning of their friendship (or whatever they had) Kyoya would immediately have tapped out, but now he couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe it would feel better when Kaoru was 18 in a few months, even if Kyoya would have preferred someone at least 20 years old. However, Kyoya didn't think he could stay away until then. If there was a hell, Kyoya knew there was a special place there for him. It didn't matter if a Kaoru was forced into early maturity, he was still very young in many ways.

Kyoya planned on not going all the way with Kaoru again at least before the announcement. Most of it had to do with the age revelation but it was also because it seemed like Rai was hinting that Kaoru's secret would be relieved there. Rai could have meant that Kyoya would get to know the truth the same way everyone got to know about the times Kaoru had been attacked; by rumors. However, Kyoya really doubted that now. In what situation would that secret be revealed by sudden rumors instead of an official statement? He wanted to give Kaoru the benefit of the doubt in this situation, but what could possibly be worse than what Kyoya already knew about him? Did Kaoru kill small children? Was he a cannibal? Did he force himself on people? All of those suggestions sounded extremely unlikely and even laughable. Even so, Kyoya didn't actually know Kaoru that well even if Kaoru knew a tiny bit about him.

Kaoru knew about Tamaki, Kaoru knew the names of Kyoya's family members, the school he went to, some from his (long) list of ex-lovers and some other small facts about him. Not much but still. Kyoya (before reading the files) knew that Kaoru had a twin, used to have a surname, had spent most of his life at the military base, was gay and had hooked up with maybe one or two guys, didn't have many friends, hurt himself because of the serum and Kyoya knew about his place in the military. It sounded like many things but when you actually thought about it, none of it was actually that personal (even the section of the file that documented him injuring people felt empty). Maybe Kaoru's sexuality or his previous partners could be considered personal, but everyone already assumed he was homosexual. The self-harm would have been a "personal matter" outside of the base but Kaoru never covered his scars and no one ever talked about it. Kyoya obviously knew more personal things now after doing a little research and talking to Kaoru after the latest attack, but that wasn't the whole story even if Kaoru didn't have that secret Rai mentioned. The files didn't tell Kyoya about Kaoru's thoughts or his fears. For example, Kaoru being convinced that he should blame himself for being hit was not a fact you could find in a piece of paper. Kyoya wanted to know more and that scared the living hell out of him.

Kyoya wasn't the only one at his workplace when he arrived at the office cubicles. Shinohara and a bushy bearded man Kyoya wasn't familiar with were talking quietly until they saw him.

"Good morning Ootori-San!" Shinohara called in Japanese and waved Kyoya over. The unfamiliar male looked at Shinohara with a confused look.

"They hire doctors who can't speak the language?" The man asked, and his voice was a lot deeper than Kyoya had expected from his lanky frame.

"No both of us just come from the same country", Kyoya answered and walked over to them. "And my college here doesn't seem to know how impolite it is to speak a language not everyone in the room understands", he teased. "My name is Kyoya Ootori".

"I'm Samuel Crone", the man said and they shook hands. "I assume you're one of the Boys' doctors. Sounds like a more dignified position than mine". Samuel chuckled.

"Yes, I'm Kaoru's personal doctor", Kyoya confirmed. "What's your line of work? It can't be as bad as you make it sound".

Shinohara laughed. "His work has helped our gossip life a lot".

"Yes. My job is to, unannounced, visit the boys and make sure that things are okay", Crone explained. "Which includes full body searches to, for example, see if they have harmed themselves or not. Funny you mentioned Kaoru because I am the one who has to make sure that his wounds aren't getting infected... or that the yelling between the twins isn't too serious".

"Good to hear someone is keeping an eye on that", Kyoya said to him. "Both of those things, I suppose".

"Samuel is also the first one to see if any of them have hooked up with each other", Shinohara explained. "Both when he accidentally walks on in them or sees the aftermath".

"And you like to gossip about that with the rest of the staff?" Kyoya asked in mild disgust; the Boys didn't have enough privacy as it already was.

"Don't be like that, Ootori", Shinohara teased. "We don't have much entertainment here. The Boys are used to people knowing everything about them regardless. If you had known about this earlier then you could have congratulated your patient on finally losing his virginity".

Kyoya raised an eyebrow at him. "I wouldn't have congratulated him either way. I'm his doctor, not his friend". Kyoya sounded calm but wasn't calm internally. Shinohara implied that Kaoru had lost his virginity while Kyoya knew him…. but that didn't add up with Kaoru's story. "Did you walk in on him, Crone?"

"So you're a little curious?" Shinohara teased.

"No, I didn't walk in on him, but I met him afterward and… well, you can probably guess how thorough the body searches are by my voice". Crone shivered. "I will forever despise the Boy who stole pills that one time. Has forced me into searching places that haunt my dreams and make me question my life. But back to Kaoru, he didn't lose his v-card that long ago".

"Maybe a month or two after you arrived, Ootori", Shinohara chimed in and it didn't take long for Kyoya to understand the situation. "And Rosengaard is convinced that he was with his own brother. Disgusting, but I guess it would make sense".

"And why is that?" Crone asked.

"Because they are close, don't have any other friends and they are mentally disturbed", Shinohara shrugged. "Who else would Kaoru go to? … Kyoya, are you alright?"

Kyoya initially thought that Shinohara was saying his name as a suggestion to who else Kaoru would sleep with. Luckily he didn't seem to have reacted in a manner that gave him away.

"Yes… this conversation just became a lot more uncomfortable", Kyoya hesitantly answered. He really just wanted to go and find Kaoru so he could explain himself.

Kyoya wasn't stupid; Kaoru had clearly lied to him.

"You're still new to all these messed up things that can happen here, I forgot", Shinohara said with an apologetic smile. "And hearing about your patient's sex life must have made things a little more awkward. I apologize for that".

"Not a subject I would idealistically talk about, no", Kyoya lied. "But anyway, I have some paperwork to go back to. It was a pleasure to meet you Crone", Kyoya said and they said their goodbyes before Kyoya hurried to his desk.

He looked through different phone numbers to see if there was anyone he could send to get Kaoru. Him just walking over to the Boy would be too suspicious so Kyoya had to make it seem like he wanted to talk about his health or something like that.

Kyoya knew there was a man who is used to fetch data after the Boys' missions and get them when someone wanted to talk to them, but he couldn't find his number. Then he remembered that there was a piece of paper on the wall over his computer with some instructions. Introductions about things like how the phone worked or where the help button was. Kyoya looked; there was apparently a certain button combo on the phone you had to click to go to the service that (he guessed) could send for the guy he wanted to see. Kyoya needed to click on 451, then the star and then the call button. Kyoya did that and waited only a few seconds before he heard a recorded voice.

"Welcome to the command center. If you want to get room service, click 1…". Kyoya wasn't aware that room service was an option. He wondered if that only applied to the rooms or if he could order to his office as well. "If you want an appointment with Jerry Troy, click 2… ". That was the man in charge of the doctors' department… Kyoya couldn't recall when he talked to the man last. "If you want to get in contact with a patient, click 3… ". Bingo. "And if you want to clean your office, click 4". A very useful thing that he wished he had known about before he spent hours cleaning up the mess he'd made the day before, but not what he was after right now. Kyoya clicked 3 and waited again. "You choose 3, wanting to come in contact with a patient. Please enter the number assigned to your station and then star". Kyoya obliged. "You have entered number 4. Is that correct? Please click 1". *Click* "Please be patient and wait".

Kyoya heard three rings on the other side before someone picked up. "This is Takashi Morinozuka. I'll be in your office within ten minutes. Please don't leave your location before I arrive". Then the call ended.

Kyoya couldn't tell if that was a pre-recorded message or not because the voice was very monotone. He would have preferred to just tell Morinozuka to get Kaoru right away but if the message was pre-recorded it probably meant that the man was very busy and couldn't have long conversations. Always up on his feet.

Kyoya was a little worried about how secretive he and Kaoru could be in this kind of office. Luckily most of his colleges weren't there and hopefully it could stay that way for a little longer. It didn't occur to him until now though that he really didn't have to rush this conversation as much as he was currently doing. This was no way near life or death, but still, Kyoya felt like he had to talk to Kaoru as soon as possible. What was happening to him?

A tall- very tall- and stoic man walked into Kyoya's office.

"I'm Takashi Morinozuka", he said with a voice that was almost as monotone as the, assumed, pre-recorded voice on the phone. Perhaps it wasn't pre-recorded after all. "Are you the doctor who sent for me?"

"Yes, I need to speak to my patient. His name is Kaoru… I take it that you know who I'm talking about". Kyoya saw that Morinozuka had a small reaction on his face when Kaoru's name was mentioned… which made Kyoya a little more suspicious, considering the conversation he had with Samuel and Shinohara. Maybe Kaoru didn't entirely lie…

"Yes, the one twin with scars all over his body. He is kind and doesn't suspect that everyone has impure intentions, unlike his brother", Morinozuka answered and Kyoya couldn't help but let out a small chuckle.

"Yes, that's the correct one...and a good description".

"Is he alright? Has something else happened?" Morinozuka sounded a little worried. Kyoya didn't know what to think about that tone, but that was overshadowed by the fact that he hadn't actually thought about an excuse as to why he needed to meet Kaoru.

"We just need to do more check ups than usual", Kyoya said as convincingly as possible. "I want to make sure that his wounds are healing well and that he hasn't damaged his head any further. I want to do my job properly".

"Ah, I see. That's good to hear", Morinozuka said quietly.

"Do you worry about him?" Kyoya asked, trying to not sound as suspicious as he was even if he didn't really have a reason to be suspicious (yet).

"I worry about all the Boys", Morinozuka said. "Even Hikaru, despite my unflattering description. But Kaoru is, like I said, really kind".

"Just make sure to befriend his brother first if you ever want to be friends with him", Kyoya turned to his papers.

"Our relationship is strictly professional. I don't think he even knows my name", Morinozuka murmured. "But why would I need to befriend his brother first?"

"Because his brother is insane", Kyoya said nonchalantly. "He doesn't trust anyone he doesn't approve of. He is possessive to an extent an overprotective brother shouldn't".

"You're talking like he is capable of murder".

"Maybe he is, have you read his file?" Kyoya asked and it was silent between them for a few seconds. Kyoya had indeed read about Hikaru as well. It was hard not to consider how intertwined the twins' lives were. So he now had some facts about the older twin as well.

"Should… should I go and get Kaoru now?" Morinozuka finally asked and Kyoya nodded. "Very well. I'll see you in a bit".

Morinozuka left the room and Kyoya tried to do some paperwork while he waited but he couldn't. He had been weirdly emotional all day. First, he pretty much threatened an aggressive old man (who could beat him up badly) and second, he postponed work to talk with Kaoru about something that didn't mean much in the scheme of things. Kyoya suspected that the nightmare he had (that he barely remembered) and some of the frustration he had about Kaoru was the culprit for his emotional state.

He was frustrated with Kaoru because Kaoru didn't think highly of himself at all. Not just because he thought that he deserved getting abused, but that he also didn't think that he could be selfish at all when they had sex. That made Kyoya feel shame since he was the one with experience and power. He wished that he could just use Kaoru and not care, but he just couldn't do that. Apparently, not even he was that heartless.

"Kyoya, did you miss me?"

Kyoya looked up and saw Kaoru step into the room. He had a small smirk on his still wounded face. The bruising around his neck was finally barely visible but the bruising on his face was as visible as it could be. Kyoya also noted that the young man was wearing shorts like he almost always did and a long-sleeved shirt. He noticed that there were a few new injuries on his thigh but decided not to mention them. It would only distract from what he actually wanted to talk about.

"I didn't miss your cockiness", Kyoya said and turned to Morinozuka who stood in the doorway. "Thank you, Morinozuka. Your services won't be needed anymore".

Morinozuka nodded back and left. Kaoru looked at the much taller man as he left before he turned back to Kyoya.

"So that's his name? Interesting", Kaoru commented and jumped up on the examination table. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"You don't seem to be worried. I'm a doctor after all".

"You are not a normal doctor", Kaoru almost purred. "And I don't see how I would be dying anytime soon… unless I'm attacked again".

"And hopefully that won't happen... again", Kyoya murmured in a tone that made Kaoru raise an eyebrow. "Anyway, you have every right not to be worried right now… about your health".

"Only about my health, aye?" Kaoru wiggled his eyebrows and chuckled. "Sounds kinky. But anyway, what did you want to talk about? Because this doesn't seem like a booty call".

"Kinky? I recently stumbled upon Samuel Crone-".

"Ah yeah, the guy here who have probably seen more dicks than anyone", Kaoru chimed in. "Against his wishes, of course. I still think he deserves to be known as the slut instead of me".

"Why do people think you're sleeping around?"

Kaoru shrugged. "I guess it's because I'm the only one openly attracted to men so people automatically assume I get more dick than the other Boys".

Here we go. "But it's the exact opposite, right?" Kyoya asked.

"Well, we don't hook up as often lately… which I assume is because I'm injured all the time".

"Not what I meant", Kyoya sighed. "Did you lie before when you said that you slept with people before we met?"

Kaoru looked at him silently. "What makes you think that I lied?"

"Crone. I assume his body searches are quite uncomfortable".

"I wouldn't mind the body searches if you were the one doing them", Kaoru winked at him. "Now I also know that you guys do In fact talk about us behind our backs. Not surprised". Kaoru acted pretty nonchalantly about hearing this new information.

"Kaoru, was I your first?" Kyoya bluntly asked. "Because that's what it sounds like to me".

"Because of Crone? I could have lost my virginity before I got here".

"First of all, that's not what you told me, so still a lie. Second of all, I highly doubt you had sex at ten years old or younger… unless it wasn't consensual".

If that was true, then Kyoya felt like a bigger asshole. He really hoped that this wasn't the case.

"So you read my file? Good boy", Kaoru chuckled and looked down at the floor. "But yeah, you guessed right", he said silently.

"Why did you lie about it?"

"Because you really didn't seem like you wanted to be with a virgin". Kaoru looked up at him. "Didn't you say that they get overly attached or something?"

"The irony".

"I might only have been able to stay away for a short amount of time", Kyoya admitted. "So you would have gotten it eventually".

"I didn't want to wait! I was horny and you were the first hot guy who wasn't creepy. I didn't want to risk scaring you away", Kaoru confessed with red cheeks. "How big of a difference is it really? I mean, you just admitted that you would have given in after a while".

"Yes, but… I would have had a different approach. I could have been more of a teacher and taken it easy at first and not just shoved your head into the pillow".

Kaoru chuckled. "It was fun though. But I refuse to take all the blame here. How couldn't you tell that I was a virgin? Isn't the fake confidence a huge giveaway?"

"I didn't think clearly enough apparently", Kyoya said.

"You still don't". Kaoru smirked. "I mean if this was the only thing you wanted to talk about, why did you send for me? It could have waited" Kyoya was silent. "I assume you didn't sleep well last night". Kaoru sounded a little more concerned.

"Do I get visibly emotional when I miss sleep?" Kyoya asked, a little amused.

"A little. You get a little more touchy when you're extra tired as well. Did you go to bed late or had bad dreams or something?"

"Bad dream, but I don't remember it".

"Are you just saying that so you don't have to talk about it?"

"No, but that would have been the excuse if that was the case", Kyoya grinned at the pout on Kaoru's face. "And what makes you think that I'm just touchy when I'm tired?" Kyoya stood up and walked over to Kaoru. He sat down next to him on the table so the space between their shoulders was nonexistent.

Kaoru chuckled. "You're still tired so I don't know how this is proving anything", he said.

"I didn't intend on proving anything by moving closer", Kyoya assured. "Just a precaution".

"A precaution for what?" Kaoru asked. "You expect me to run away or something?"

"Maybe", Kyoya answered, honestly. "I just… why aren't you being touchy?".

"I didn't think you liked 'em being needy", Kaoru teased and Kyoya chuckled.

"I don't like when people I just have sex with is needy, no", Kyoya said. "But this is different".

"Because we are friends?"

"Not really", Kyoya said and stared straight into Kaoru's eyes. "You like me too much, don't you?"

"Ye-".

"Before you say 'yes we're friends', you know that's not what I meant".

Kaoru looked down at the floor with wide eyes. His mouth opened and closed over and over again. Kyoya almost wanted to kiss him on the cheek just to make him even more flustered because it was so amusing to him.

After a few seconds, Kaoru started to laugh. "I understand what you meant by precaution", Kaoru said and his laugh sounded more nervous now. "I do feel like running away now". Kyoya smirked and wrapped his arm around him. "Bastard", Kaoru said, still without looking at the older male.

"You're really cute like this", Kyoya mused.

"I have two black eyes, I don't see how that's cute", Kaoru murmured.

"Of course you don't", Kyoya said. "But back to the subject. I know that you like me".

"Cocky much?"

"You don't think I would know by now when someone likes me?" Kyoya grinned at him. "And are you really trying to tell me that you don't like me back?" Kyoya put his other hand on Kaoru's chest over his heart. "With the way your heart is beating right now? The little fellow in there is trying to signal all the way to space".

Kaoru chuckled and removed Kyoya's hand from his chest. "Yes, you are cocky. Truly". Kaoru sighed. "But I don't see what difference it makes. I mean, why would you date someone like me in a place like this? We can't get married, adopt kids - not that I think I want them- and we can't live in a nice house somewhere. No American dream for you. I don't think it would ever be allowed for me. Maybe I'll get those rights when I'm 90 and useless".

"I don't think that's the reason why you're pushing me away", Kyoya said. "I think you want to push me away to make things easier. You don't think we would last. Is it because of that secret that isn't in the files?" Kyoya couldn't accidentally let Kaoru know about the talk he had with Rai. He didn't think Kaoru would appreciate him playing a knight for him like that.

Kaoru looked shocked for a second before he chuckled again and finally looked at Kyoya. "Maybe. I honestly thought the file could have been enough for you to realize that you shouldn't stick your dick in crazy".

"I'm glad the other doctors have taught you well when it comes to language", Kyoya said with a hint of sarcasm. "I have definitely, as they say, 'stuck my dick' in crazy and it wasn't you. Frankly, I have done it more than once. One was a needy little thing who stalked me for a while. He turned out pretty scary for a tiny guy".

"How tiny?" Kaoru couldn't help but ask.

"4'11 feet I think. But he looked his age".

"Wow, I knew you had a fetish for tinier guys but... Must have been fun seeing him angry".

"Not when he was carrying sharp objects. But it was a little funny otherwise", Kyoya admitted and Kaoru laughed, a little unsure. "But anyway, I have read about all the horrible things you have been through and done. Somehow… I'm not scared away so I don't see how this other secret of yours is going to change anything".

"That's way too early for you to tell", Kaoru said sadly. "I can't believe you until you know everything that there is to know about me". Kaoru shook his head. "I want you to promise me one more thing".

"Do you want me to read another file?" Kyoya joked.

"No, haha. I want you to promise me to not talk about starting a relationship or something like that until after the announcement. You know, don't make any empty promises". Kaoru looked away once more and Kyoya grabbed his jaw gently to make him look at him again.

"I'm not coming with any empty promises", he said sternly. "I know what I have to give up to be with you and I want to give it a shot. But if I can't convince you now, I will promise you to not talk about it until the announcement. If that's what you want".

Kyoya had a feeling that Kaoru didn't expect them to ever talk about this ever again.

Kaoru nodded. "Thank you… and I think it's best if we keep the psychical contact to a minimum as well… to make things easier when we aren't… well, a we".

"That makes sense. Would defeat the purpose of why we aren't going to talk about a relationship, I assume". Kyoya removed his arm from around Kaoru's shoulders and he could clearly see that Kaoru was a little disappointed by that gesture. "The announcement is soon, correct? I'll probably be able to not jump you until then".

"Probably? Who of us is supposed to be the horny teenager here again?" Kaoru teased.

"Don't remind me that you're 17", Kyoya groaned. "But that does make it easier to stay away. Keep it going".

"Why? Is my age the only thing close to a deal-breaker here?" Kaoru sounded amused. "Don't you like them young, Ky-yo-ya".

"Tiny, not young. I'll be more comfortable with our age gap when you're eighteen. And don't say my name like that".

"What really is the difference between 17 and 18?"

"Are you trying to make me end it now?"

"End what?" Kaoru asked. "We're not together".

Both were silent for a few minutes after that. Kaoru decided to jump off the table after a while and turned to face Kyoya.

"So you need to go to sleep. You can truly rest now when you know that you deflowered me", he said, half mockingly. "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"Not what I can think of", Kyoya said and did his best to not look ashamed at how big of a deal he made the virgin lie out to be. "Your bruises are healing well, I see".

"It's only been about a week for the face, but yeah". Kaoru gave him a sad smile. "I'll see you around, Kyoya?"

"Yes, of course. You can go now".

Kaoru walked over to the entrance.

"Well, I… bye for now", he said before he disappeared.

It felt a little bit like they had just broken up even if, as Kaoru had pointed out, they never dated in the first place. Kyoya still felt hopeful that they could get over whatever Kaoru was hiding. He didn't like that their encounters had to stay platonic, but he respected and understood Kaoru's request. Maybe Kyoya could use their time of non-physical contact as an excuse to really have fun with Kaoru later. That thought made him smirk to himself.

Kyoya's thoughts then went to their conversation. At first, it had horrified him that he had taken Kaoru's virginity but now, after they had talked, he felt some sort of pride. Kyoya was the first and the only person to ever have Kaoru like that and he intended on keeping it that way. Maybe Kyoya was a little too proud of being Kaoru's first.

To say that Kyoya's exes were the only "crazy ones" when it came to his relationships was a little unfair. Kyoya knew that he could become a bit too possessive with the people he dated. His possessiveness made it more ironic that he could toss away people he just slept with like they were nothing. Kyoya had gotten better, he wasn't the same toxic person anymore who needed to know where his boyfriend was all the time. To be fair, his paranoia could partly be because of the number of times he had been cheated on. Still, almost beating up his boyfriend's uncle because he thought that he was a rival couldn't be excused by anything.

Despite the changes Kyoya had been through, he still obviously had some traces of his old self left. He had just threatened a man to stay away from Kaoru and was willing to overlook Kaoru's age despite his better judgment. Kyoya started to fear sometimes that the rules that only applied to the military base were starting to get to him. The rules that things that weren't okay in the outside world were okay there because the same consequences didn't exist. Rai beating people wouldn't be punished and Kyoya hooking up with a teenager wouldn't be punished, so why care? Kyoya didn't want to be compared to that disgusting man and, honestly, saying that he was the same as him might be a little unfair. However, the similarities still existed.

Kyoya walked back to his desk and sat down. It wasn't like he hadn't thought of himself as a bad person before (he had always known that he wasn't the most stable lover, for example), but it felt wrong to relate at all to Rai. They were nothing like each other, Kyoya would never hurt someone like that. He didn't even hit his crazy ex in self-defense because he couldn't live with punching someone he cared about (yes, he almost hit that uncle but he was a bit younger and would have regretted it for the rest of his life). The thought of hitting Rai even felt too much, no matter how angry he was with that old man… maybe he could in self-defense? Rai was an old crazy bodybuilder after all.

Kyoya picked up his paperwork again so he could get back to his duties, but it was hard to do anything with the thoughts he had in his head. All this time his pride had let him feel like he was the bigger and stronger person in their "relationship". Kaoru was a younger, inexperienced, boy who had been through horrible things, did dirty and morally bad work for the military, and had a lot of other flaws… but Kyoya wasn't much better like he had told himself that he was. A sick part of him knew that he liked the fact that he was going to be with a guy who couldn't leave or didn't have many cheating options a little too much. Did a good person really like knowing that their partner couldn't disappear on them no matter what? Kyoya had his issues as well, he knew it, but he was slowly working on it. Tamaki had said that he was getting better and Kyoya believed him. However, better didn't necessarily mean good.

Kyoya wanted to change the subject but instead of thinking about what he was supposed to be doing his mind immediately switched to what he was going to do to Kaoru when they could be together. Apparently, he had no problem thinking about dirty stuff just like that, which made his guilt and justified shame worse.

"Choosing between guilt or sex", Kyoya mused to himself. "Not a combination I'm unfamiliar with".

Despite feeling even more crushed when Kaoru's fears were soon coming to fruition, he couldn't help but feel a warm feeling inside. Yes, it was just confirmed that both him and Kyoya would get their hearts broken after the announcement, but a part of him was so happy that Kyoya admitted that he liked him and wanted a real relationship. Of course, Kaoru had been somewhat aware of the older man's feelings but him saying that he wanted to be with him out loud was different.

This happiness was short-lived, Kaoru knew that, and this temporary warmth within him would soon turn colder than ever before. Knowing for sure what could have been would sting worse than his unproven thoughts he previously had. The reality was starting to hit him now already, but he tried his best to keep the happier thoughts in his head for just a little longer.

Kaoru forced the smile off his face when he entered the Boys' common room. Hikaru looked at him from his position on the couch and flew up immediately when Kaoru was close enough.

"Well? What was that all about?" Hikaru asked briskly.

Kaoru could tell that he had a lot of questions but didn't know in what order or how to properly word them in a way that could get him the most satisfying answers.

"My health is fine", Kaoru assured. "Kyoya just wanted to talk".

"Talk?" Hikaru repeated like the word was foreign to him. "Talk about what exactly?"

"No need to look so suspicious. He just wanted to solve a little… miscommunication". Kaoru really didn't want to bring up the whole virginity thing. Speaking of, It was truly a weird thing for Kyoya to fret over but it did move Kaoru that the older man had worried about how he didn't do things properly. "It was just a talk".

"I doubt he sent for you for just a talk". Hikaru crossed his arms. "You know you two could get caught, right? Especially in his office".

Kaoru's face turned into a light shade of pink. "We didn't have sex, Hikaru!" He whispered harshly; he didn't want anyone to hear. "I swear we were just talking. Do you think I'm that stupid to want to do it in his office?"

"You have been emotional and a little impulsive lately", Hikaru stated matter of factly and Kaoru glared at him.

"Not in that way. I have always been careful when it comes to these kinds of things". Kaoru sat down on the couch and sighed. "And before you accuse me of more stupid shit, we had a special kind of conversation".

"What kind of special?" Hikaru sounded very suspicious.

"He likes me and not in a non friendly way", Kaoru answered and Hikaru looked taken aback.

"Kaoru… ". Hikaru sighed. "You know-".

"Yes, I know that he and I won't be together in the future and that the heartbreak will hurt much more now", Kaoru said sadly. "But can I at least, for now, just be happy that he wants to be with me? Even if he could have anyone else? I need some sort of consolation, Hikaru. I've been stressed out of my mind".

Hikaru sighed again. He knelt down in front of his twin and placed his hands on Kaoru's knees.

"No, you have to do your best to forget him now", he said sternly. "You need to protect that wonderful heart of yours while it still beats for us. You can't let a break up with an old man ruin you. He wouldn't be good for you either way. He wants things you can't give him; a life together. You're not someone who could father his children, someone he could introduce to his family or someone he could take out on casual dates. You want things he can't give you as well".

"Like what? What could I possibly want that I won't find in him?" Kaoru spat at him. "I know that I have nothing to give him, but I'm pretty damn sure that isn't the case with him".

"He can't give you unconditional love, Kaoru. Not like I can", Hikaru said and Kaoru looked away from him. "Remember. I'm the only one who could love you no matter what. He can't do that and you know it. I care about you and this man is going to hurt you. I don't want to see you hurt".

Kaoru laughed bitterly. "It's a little too late for that isn't it", he murmured and looked back at Hikaru again. Hikaru could see that he was holding back tears. "Do I? … nevermind".

"No, what were you going to say?"

"Nothing, I don't have the energy right now", Kaoru said and Hikaru realized that it wasn't the time to pry (and he decided to actually not do it this time).

"Okay. Just remembered that I'm always here for you, alright?"

Kaoru nodded, not trusting himself to be able to say anything without crying. Hikaru smiled at him and removed his hands from his knees in favor of wrapping his arms around his middle instead. Kaoru returned the hug, but with a faraway look on his face.

"I need you to give me strength, Hikaru", Kaoru whispered.

"Of course, Kaoru", Hikaru whispered back. "You can always lean on me".

"Don't let me be alone after the announcement".

Hikaru's eyes widened. He grabbed Kaoru's shoulders and forced him to look into Hikaru's eyes.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean!?"

"Jesus, calm down!" Kaoru exclaimed and pried some of Hikaru's fingers off him before his hard grip could give him bruises. "I didn't mean that I was going to kill myself! I meant that I really need you afterward to ease my pain and keep me sane".

"Yeah… that makes more sense". Hikaru said and let go of Kaoru's shoulders entirely. "It's just that you have been so down… I mean, I knew you were going to be depressed eventually, but I never knew how to prepare or exactly how you were going to act".

"Is there a certain reason why you would assume that I would still feel like shit even if I didn't go through this with Kyoya?"

"You want more than what the world can give you", Hikaru explained. "For example, you want a relationship and you want to always be useful. I always assumed that the latter one would be your downfall because you're so fixated on it… I guess you're technically going through both of those things at the same time… ".

"This is not going to be my downfall", Kaoru said sternly.

"Okay… ", Hikaru answered, not really convinced. "You want to go and lay down?"

Kaoru sighed and nodded, deciding to let the subject drop as well. "Yes… the other Boys are staring at us".

"They always stare, we are weird".

"True".

They both stood up and Hikaru grabbed Kaoru's hand.

"I'll be there for you... I'll be the one there for you", Hikaru said.

Kaoru nodded with a small appreciative smile on his face. Together they left the room, leaving everyone else in the room confused.

---

It didn't feel real, now when the day had come. Today their superiors would explain the recent development in their research and battle strategy (plus the future for the Boys). Kaoru felt really fucking nervous but he didn't let it show.

Kyoya had wanted to comfort him before the announcement by, for example, squeezing his hand when the Boys stopped briefly beside him before entering the assembly hall. However, Kaoru had, unsurprisingly, rejected all of his advances. Kyoya didn't seem offended by that because he knew why Kaoru was pushing him away, rather he was a little bit frustrated that he couldn't be there for him. Of course, the older male was still under the impression that they would get together after the announcement.

The twins and the rest of the Boys sat on matching chairs on the stage. They all looked way better than they usually did because the room would soon be filled with, not only people from this military base, but also other nice people. The boys had been cleaned up significantly; new temporary blue uniforms, products in their hair and someone even used a little bit of makeup to cover up the last of the bruising on Kaoru's face. It was all for show. Kaoru didn't complain because the normal bland clothes and cheap shampoo always left a little to be desired and he looked so much more awake and more like himself with makeup on. His hair was softer and more lively than usual, which was something he had not felt since he used Kyoya's shampoo (before Hikaru gave him shit for it). Kaoru wondered if Kyoya thought that he looked better as well.

People started to arrive and the room filled up quickly. The people who were not part of the base were easy to distinguish because they were the only ones who either looked at the Boys with curiosity or with condescension, while the others either quickly glanced at how out of the ordinary they looked or didn't pay them any attention at all. Kaoru's eyes wandered around the room until they landed on Kyoya who was only paying attention to his colleagues. Looking back at Kaoru would look weird after all.

Everyone was seated and the man at the podium, Grimes, cleared his throat so everyone would understand that it was time to begin and quiet down.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you all for coming here today...", Grimes said and Kaoru discreetly rolled his eyes in boredom. No matter how nervous he was, a boring speech was a boring speech.

Kaoru zoned out for a while after that until Kubiki tapped on his and Hikaru's shoulders. Apparently, Grimes had stopped buttering up the audience and was finally coming to the important part.

"-The Zero virus has been damaging our society for a few generations now, but thanks to modern science we have been able to find ways to utilize them for profit". Very flattering speech so far, especially considering that there was at least one more publicly known Zero in the Boys. Kaoru could tell by one quick look that the known zero in question that he seemed more bored rather than offended by the words. You get used to some things after a while. "For years now, we have used zero powers in our espionage and interrogations only, since we were ordered to put down our combat zeros because of health concerns-". Classy, talking about them like they were animals. Those health concerns were the concerns that the combat zeros would rebel, which was understandable behavior for children being treated like shit. Everyone at the base knew that combat zeros were treated very inhumanly when they were a part of the military years ago. Kaoru wasn't sure if all of them were actually put down or if the sane and nice ones were just moved. Plus the term 'interrogation' Grimes used sure was a fancy word for 'torture'. To be fair, Grimes wasn't in charge when the combat zeros existed and he probably only sounded so harsh because he had to so maybe Kaoru shouldn't be so angry at him.

Kaoru looked at Kyoya again, who still didn't look back, and could see some confusion on his face. The doctor probably couldn't fathom how and when the 'earth-shattering' truth about Kaoru would come up. Kaoru didn't blame him. There were a lot of things Kyoya didn't know.

"As you might already be aware of, we have predominantly used the power of a zero that let us explore other individuals' memories. We have perfected the methods for years-". "Not well enough for people to stop going insane after a while", Kaoru thought bitterly. His heart was starting to beat faster now. "That zero has been a real asset to us and have been nothing but willing to help. However". There was a dramatic pause and Kaoru silently hated him for dragging this out. "Our access to that power is limited because we need live DNA to be able to use zero powers and we can't use that zero's DNA longer than that zero's lifespan… until now". The audience looked shocked. "We have managed to find a way to no longer require zeros' DNA to be able to use their powers. With a lot of research, we have found a way to replicate the zero who can explore other people's memories' DNA with the help of animal DNA and some specially made serum we have been working on for a long time. We have been trying this newest development in our research on a certain chosen participant for some time now and the results are the same as if we would have chosen the real DNA. Kaoru, stand up".

Kaoru was a little taken aback since no one had prepared him, but hesitantly stood up with good posture and his eyes staring out in the crowd. He made sure that he looked professional and not at all like he was about to pee his pants. Kaoru also refused to look at Kyoya this time around, who probably thought that he knew where things were going.

The man turned to Kaoru. "Formally introduce yourself, boy". He turned back to the audience. Kaoru thought that he knew what the man wanted him to say and he felt like he was about to throw up.

"I'm Kaoru and… and I'm one of the soldiers in the memory exploration team… and I'm also the zero that utilizes this power and I can 100 percent confirm that their experiments have achieved the goal of mimicking my powers perfectly. So the n-need for me to contribute with my own abilities is no longer there. But I'll obviously still help my country any way I can".

People clapped and Kaoru bowed and sat down, still not looking at Kyoya. He wanted to run out of there and either cry, throw up or do both at the same time. But he had to stay. He didn't need to see the expression on Kyoya's face to know what he was feeling: disgust, disbelief, betrayed.