Our Ghosts Are The Same
Dragon Age 2
Chapter 29: Last Second Thoughts
A/N: I'm going to be away for a while so accept this short update while I'm gone.
Aedan wasn't expecting Hawke to drop the fact that she was leaving so soon, but he really shouldn't have been expecting anything else. If anyone in the vicinity of Kirkwall yelled, "Fire", Hawke came running. He had lived that kind of life for Ferelden for over a year and it had aged him by five. How Hawke had managed to do the same for so long, Aedan wasn't sure he wanted to guess. Her impressive tolerance of alcohol probably had something to do with it.
What did she want him to say here? Aedan shifted his weight to his good leg. His "good leg". Considering the kinds of situations he often found himself in, a more permanent injury was bound to happen. His superiors would be secretly thrilled. Perhaps now he would stay where he belonged; behind a desk in Vigil's Keep.
He was already getting angry just thinking about it. He needed to relax. Reevaluate. If anyone could help him, if he wasn't beyond that yet, Wynne could. A complete fix would be out of the question, but a little more mobility...enough to fight, at least...
Hawke was waiting on him with a hastily packed sack of clothes on her bed. Aedan sighed, looking at the mess she had made in his former room. She had torn out his drawers, gone through his old things. "Is this where we part ways as unlikely friends?"
He hadn't meant to sound so monotone. He had less control over his voice than he thought. It was taking a lot of effort to keep his voice from cracking like a squire going through puberty. It ended up flat instead. The two of them had been through hell together, though oddly enough when Aedan looked back on it now... He had had fun. The idea of it was ridiculous, but there it was. Playing commander at Vigil's Keep for so long had started to become routine. Aedan doubted Hawke could use the word 'routine' in a sentence.
"Are we friends?" Hawke stuffed more of what Aedan was starting to suspect were his old clothes. When he was fifteen he would have been around Hawke's size. Clearly she was taking advantage of that. "Because I may have less of those now due to the fact that I'm an awful liar. Not awful at lying, I'm actually good at that. I just lie about awful things."
"We're friends," Aedan said but even to his own ears the words failed to sound convincing. Hawke flinched, thought he didn't notice, and continued on her work. This wasn't like them. They had previously spent their interactions needling one another just to get a rise out of the other. Frustrated with himself, Aedan watched her in silence until a sense of familiarity hit him. Hard.
It had only taken a few days. After the Arch-demon had been defeated and the celebrations ceased, Aedan's former companions had awkwardly said their farewells, packed their things, and split up. Even if Aedan had had the free time to wander as he pleased and visit them, they were all going too far and too soon. He had had to return to Highever, to help oversee the reconstruction while Fergus dealt with some political shit in Denerim. The songs never covered that part of his life. He had spent months on the road, crammed in a tiny campsite with too many people. Privacy hadn't been easy and sometimes impossible. But he certainly hadn't been starved for companionship. Those few days in Highever, by himself save for an unfamiliar construction crew, had been the most alone he had ever felt.
He didn't want her to go.
He would tell her. No, he wouldn't ask her to stay. That wouldn't be fair and it would put her in danger if Aedan had read those templars right. But he'd tell her-
Someone was coming and it was someone not very quiet. Aedan moved out of the doorway just in time for someone else to burst in.
"Sister, we need to talk."
Aedan suddenly felt rather out of place and not only because he was being squeezed into a corner while trying to avoid being hit by the opening door. He had nearly forgotten about her brother. Considering Carver was also a Grey Warden that mistake was especially egregious.
Carver Hawke crowded the doorway. Aedan was startled to find they were nearly the same height. Before Carver could say whatever he ran in to say, Aedan cleared his throat purposely. He doubted Carver was about to say anything he wanted his commanding officer to overhear.
"Cousland?" Carver asked in shock. He quickly fixed himself and said, "Ser?" He glanced between his sister and Aedan. "What are you-"
Hawke jumped back into the conversation. "We were just discussing the issue of payment. For my superb demon slaying skills. But we're done." Hawke moved past him and stood out the door, holding it open for him. How polite.
But they weren't done. Aedan had caught her while she was vulnerable and like a cat backed into a corner Hawke was bringing out the claws. But he knew if he left now it would be over. Hawke would run back to Kirkwall and he would slink back to Vigil's Keep and whatever strange connection they had would be gone. All because he wouldn't speak his mind.
Well, he had never been accused of that before.
The cane was left leaning against the wall. Aedan took a more relaxed stance to show that he wasn't intending on going anywhere. He was very quiet now, the words forming slowly. "Hawke, step outside and wait."
"Fuck you." The words were more of a reflex than anything.
Aedan just shook his head. "Not talking to you, Marian." He wasn't quiet any longer. He barked now, "Hawke, wait outside."
It was a direct order. He could hear Carver grind his teeth as he left. His sister was just as irritated. "I said we were done."
Hawke was expecting him to answer in kind. To give back an equally rude retort. It would have been their normal and previously only way of interacting. But Hawke was sensitive right now and looking for an outlet. Aedan wasn't going to risk focusing all that anger on him. She was going through some things that would take the combined efforts of her friends in Kirkwall to heal. There was nothing he could say to fix it within a few days.
"I don't want you to go."
She had been looking for a fight; he hadn't been kind enough to indulge her. "What?" she asked stupidly, dazed. The anger tried to come back but fizzed out under a blanket of pure confusion. "Are you asking me to stay?"
Aedan risked stepping a little closer. "No. I know you're going to return to Kirkwall. I don't expect you to stay and I won't ask it of you."
When she ground her teeth she looked a lot like her brother. "Then what is the fucking point of telling me that? It doesn't change anything."
He disagreed there. "Doesn't it?"
His sincerity upset her. Hawke's face twisted into a smirk like she was waiting for the punchline. Aedan decided that, for Hawke, another approach was needed.
He should have known better. This was, after all, the girl who had only kissed when he had been trying to kill her.
"How much of what you say is bullshit anyway?" He felt eighteen again. Eighteen and arrogant and sure of himself. "Could you run the numbers for me? Give me a percentage?"
"You have a particular instance in mind?" Hawke was suspicious of his sudden shift in mood. Actually, she was suspicious of this whole conversation. "What do you think was bullshit?"
"What you've been saying since the we met. That you've been planning to get me in bed."
She seemed to be expecting something else. Hawke took his question rather well. "I don't know if I'd say from the moment we met. You were a bit of a blue blooded prick back then." She inspected her fingernails in an attempt to look casual. "Anyway, why bring this up now? We've had plenty of opportunities to discuss this."
His answer was much too honest. "I thought it was bullshit earlier. That it was just your way of communicating or filling up dead air. But," he shrugged, "now I think maybe it wasn't. At least one of those times."
"Hey," she snapped. "When I choose to share something it's not bullshit."
He knew she was referencing her refusal to share her blood magic with her Kirkwall companions. Aedan grinned at her. "I like you, too."
Either his smile or his words threw her off; she had been expecting neither.
Aedan picked up his cane again and paused by the door fully aware that Carver Hawke had likely eavesdropped on their entire conversation. "I'm having dinner with Fergus and Anora to talk about damage control. I'd like it if you joined us."
Her laughter was abrupt. "What? Bringing me to meet the family?" When he didn't disagree with her Hawke quickly turned pale. "What time am I expected?"
"I'll send a servant to help you dress."
"Help me what?"
Cousland had sent Carver back in before Hawke was ready. She was still flustered, her face strangely hot. Who the hell talked like that? So openly? It was safer to keep those sorts of things to yourself.
Nobles, she thought. They just didn't know any better.
"You told them," Carver accused, though he was rather calm despite the situation.
"I didn't so much as tell them as I used blood magic on Fenris to keep him from being speared to a tree. With icicles."
Carver pinched the bridge of his nose and swore. "Maker, I had no idea that..." He looked at her quizzically. "So I take it the two of you aren't-"
"We aren't. You don't have to worry about any half-elf nieces or nephews." Hawke felt herself detaching herself from the situation. If she didn't she might cry in front of her brother and that would be awkward for both of them.
"What about any blue blooded nephews?"
"Just nieces," she quipped before her brain caught up with her mouth.
Carver's groan was completely called for. "The man is my commanding officer."
She eyed him critically. "Do you really want to talk about this?"
"Maker, no." There was a heavy silence between them before... "There are templars here. Are you going to be safe?"
Meaning was anyone going to rat her out to the big scary metal men in skirts. Hawke had been asking herself the same question over and over again.
Finally, "Yes."
After dealing with Carver, Hawke tried to track down Merrill and Isabela. Out of the two, Hawke had the feeling Merrill would be the most upset about her little secret. The two of them were both blood mages and could have bonded over that. What was worse was that Anders and Fenris had said devastating comments to Merrill about blood magic and Hawke had said nothing.
She couldn't feel shittier, but from life experience Hawke knew that was rarely true.
Merrill was still attending to patients. Hawke and Aedan got off relatively easy compared to some others and they had both lost a finger. Hawke watched Merrill flitting around from man to man, never noticing Hawke until the two of them collided. Merrill bounced off and nearly fell on her backside but Hawke took her hands and steadied her. "I was hoping we'd run into each other, Merrill." The pun wasn't even intentional and once Hawke realized it she laughed too long. Maker, she was nervous.
"Hello, Hawke." Merrill took her hands back and used them to check a fevered man's forehead. "I wish Anders was here."
"Me, too," Hawke lied. Anders might have taken her blood magic worse than even Fenris had. Fenris disappeared when problems arose. Anders and Justice faced issues head on and not always well.
Hawke was starting to feel itchy. "You don't happen to know where Isabela is, do you? I was hoping to talk to you both."
Merrill's green eyes grew even larger, a feat Hawke would have previously thought impossible. "What are you talking about? Isabela left to find us a ship to take us home. Fenris is with her. I'm sure Varric meant to tell you"
"Must have slipped their minds," Hawke said, scratching her head. "But I have been hard to reach lately." The biggest thing she needed to focus on was that they would have a way back to Kirkwall. Not that her friends hadn't informed her of the plan.
Merrill's attention was wondering. Actually it was trying to focus on people who needed her help, not on her stumbling friend. Hawke was going to have to make this quick.
"Merrill, I don't think I can ever-"
Merrill smiled in her quiet way. "I guessed a long time ago, Hawke. I was never sure, but..." She stopped to apply a bandage. "I could tell you had seen it before from the way you reacted the first time I used it in front of you. You looked like you wanted to give me pointers."
"My father showed me how to control it." It was weird talking about this. And they had to be vague due to the present company. "He didn't want to. He wished he didn't know how either, but he had been forced into it." Hawke chuckled dryly. "I learned it all on my own. Mother cut herself while peeling potatoes back in Lothering. It was supposed to my chore but I was young. I was late coming home." This next part was harder. "I stopped the bleeding. I thought I was healing, but my father knew better."
There was a startled cry from one of the patients. "Hawke." Merrill turned away. "Thank you for telling me."
"I should have told you sooner, Merrill. I'm sorry, but I'll do better from now on. Next time Anders or Fenris or whoever say anything we can tell him to piss off together." Hawke couldn't imagine Merrill telling anyone to sod off but one could dream.
"Perhaps," was all she said in reply and Hawke supposed that was fair.
Highever handmaidens were stronger than they looked.
Hawke blamed it on the demon. She was simply weary from battle, that was it. On a good day there was simply no way two skinny maids could out wrestle her. Today was not a good day.
They bathed her, scrubbing her skin nearly raw. The bath water had to be changed twice.
Hawke wasn't sure at one point she just decided to let it happen, but there was no turning back now. The maids wouldn't have allowed it anyway.
They stuffed her into what Hawke assumed was one of Anora's old dresses, though the skirt was a little short. Hawke wondered if Anora knew about this. While the handmaidens discussed whether it was appropriate for Hawke's ankles to be exposed, Hawke was trying to guess whose shoes they were going to make her wear.
The worst was yet to come. She was forced to sit down in front of a mirror while one girl smeared paint on her face and the other worked on untangling her hair. Hawke choked on the perfume and when the air cleared Hawke nearly had a heart attack.
A lady was looking at her. It wasn't just Hawke in a dress, which is who she usually saw whenever she was forced to dress up. This woman she saw now was who Leandra Hawke envisioned when she looked at her daughter. It was terrifying.
She was late to dinner.
A pair of unnaturally strong hands gripped her by the arm and pulled. Instinctively, Hawke dug her heels into the stone floor, a feat that was quite impressive when one considered the flimsy slippers she had been forced into wearing.
There was another sharp pull. "Lord Aedan is waiting for you." Lord. She'd had forgotten his title. Odd that she had never thought to use it and he had never corrected her. Lord.
That settled it. Hawke was through playing make believe. Twisting out of their grasp, Hawke snapped, "If Lord Aedan wants me there he can come get me himself."
One of the girls gave Hawke a look that told her she may come to regret those words. But both nodded and left her to wait.
She didn't have long. Aedan shouldn't have been able to travel the distance from the dining room to her room so quickly and on a bed leg. He at least should have been out of breath. Admittedly it was a little alarming.
"Now what it this about?" Aedan looked irritated at being summoned without reason. It really went well with his outfit. He just read arrogant noble so effortlessly.
Her thoughts weren't together. The words that she eventually forced out were just as surprising to her as they were to Aedan.
"I am not your dress up doll." While Aedan blanched Hawke tugged pointedly at her new skirts. "What were you thinking? Sicking your maids on me? Forcing me to wear this ridiculous-" She stalked toward him, and unsteady on her newly slippered feet, nearly tripped on the way. Embarrassment flooded her cheeks with red. "What's the point of all this? Trying to prove to the family that the Lothering farm girl can clean up good enough for a Cousland?"
"Watch yourself." He was oddly calm. That made only one of them. "You haven't been a farm girl for a very long time, Champion."
Her unfamiliar reflection had frightened her. What did Aedan want from her? She was returning to Kirkwall soon; why bother dressing her up like a lady? She hadn't even done that for the wedding.
Her face grew hot. "What are you trying to do to me?"
Shockingly, Aedan glanced away from her. He normally made a conscious effort to maintain eye contact with whomever he was speaking to and for as long at they spoke. Other people tended to cut their little chats short with him.
"I, uh, thought I might try to court you."