Chapter 17
Evening was fast approaching as Katara found herself standing near the royal palace air balloon landing pad, watching the palace staff preparing her ride as per Zuko's instructions. The young Fire Lord stood next to her, watching the proceedings in silence with Suki and Ty Lee flanking them, wearing their full Kyoshi warrior garb.
"I wish you would listen to my advice and stay the night," Zuko eventually spoke with a sigh. "It would make much more sense for you to leave in the morning."
"Maybe, but I'm feeling too anxious to delay my departure any longer," Katara replied, a little nervously. Zuko was probably right, but he also had an ulterior motive. And she didn't trust herself not to repeat the events of the previous night if she stayed anywhere near Zuko.
"I understand," Zuko nodded. He glanced at the mechanics working on the balloon, one of the men giving him a nod. "I think they're almost done with the preparations."
"Yes, so... we should probably say our farewells," Katara managed. She felt like she had been suddenly gripped by a strange torpor, everything inside of her fighting the decision to leave.
Zuko turned to look at her, his face clouded by a deep frown. In the fading daylight, his scar looked dark and more pronounced than usual. "You're leaving, and I can't even kiss you goodbye," he spoke quietly, making sure nobody other than Suki and Ty Lee could overhear him.
Katara felt just as miserable as Zuko looked. "A hug will have to do," she managed, sliding into his embrace. Even this, they had to keep short, to avoid creating a scandal then and there.
Zuko continued to hold her hand once they had separated. "Katara, I need to say it," he began, keeping his voice low. "I l-..."
"Don't," Katara uttered quickly, stopping him. "Please. We know how we both feel, Zuko. There's no need to make this harder by saying it out loud."
"You're probably right," he managed, releasing her hand and stepping aside, nodding at Suki and Ty Lee to approach and say their farewells.
"I'm going to miss you a lot, Katara," Suki approached her old friend and carefully embraced her. "Also, I don't want to try and influence your decision, but... I really hope you'll be back. And best of luck... I know what comes won't be easy for you."
"Thank you, Suki," Katara smiled at her friend. "Whatever happens, this isn't the last you've seen of me, I promise you that." They parted, Ty Lee moving in to approach Katara.
"Please come back!" the affectionate girl hugged Katara tightly, her cheek pressing against Katara's and smearing her skin with bits of Ty Lee's face paint. "I'm going to miss you so much. Oh, and remember Katara, if you come back to the Fire Nation... that means more Ember Island!"
Katara found herself laughing despite the sadness making her heart feel heavy. Ty Lee really had a talent to make light of any situation. "I'm going to miss you as well, Ty Lee. And you definitely make a good point about Ember Island," she smiled, waving at them all as she walked onto the landing pad. The mechanics had all stepped aside and Zuko's personal pilot opened a little gate for her at the side of the large basket, allowing her to board.
Shortly after, the balloon was already swiftly gaining altitude, making Zuko and his two bodyguards appear smaller and smaller. Katara waved her hand for as long as she was certain the others could still see her, and once they had faded from view, she slumped heavily against the side of the basket. The pilot was speaking to her, saying something about an amazing view to the right, but she simply couldn't focus on the man's words. All she could do was to try and bite back the tears that threatened to escape down her cheeks, with very little success.
It was by the evening of the following day that the Patola Mountain range housing the Southern Air Temple came into the view of the rapidly approaching hot air balloon. Zuko's pilot was guiding the vessel skillfully and seemed to know exactly where to fly, weaving around the high peaks of the mountain range. Even this close to being reunited with Aang, Katara had no idea how she was going to deliver the news to him. There just didn't seem to be any way to soften a blow like that. Whatever words she used, Katara knew that the truth would devastate Aang, and from this realization, an aura of self-loathing was starting to envelop and suffocate her.
"Right ahead of us," the pilot called out to her. Katara rose on her tiptoes for a better look, immediately recognizing the white central tower rising above the mountain temple. Some of the structures surrounding it appeared to be either still intact or recently repaired, their roofs and spires all decorated bright blue.
As much as Katara would have preferred to arrive without any pomp and spectacle, she knew that would most likely not be an option, not when traveling in a Fire Nation air balloon. It was the hour of the day when Aang and the Air Acolytes usually busied themselves with the evening meditations, and Katara's arrival ended up disturbing the peaceful contemplations in the large open garden of the temple courtyard.
Amusingly, some of the Air Acolytes actually panicked upon seeing the air balloon, shouting about being under attack from the Fire Nation. Soon enough, the entire garden was abuzz with activity, people running back and forth, until Katara overheard Aang's voice down below, calling for order. "Peace, Air Acolytes! We are not under attack by the Fire Nation, I repeat, we are not under attack!" Aang called out, looking up at the balloon, appearing stunned when he finally recognized her in the basket. "Is that... Katara!" he exclaimed, waving excitedly at her. Katara numbly raised her hand, waving back. By now she had become so nervous that she did not trust herself to make any sharp movements or risk throwing up in the basket.
She nearly lost the contents of her stomach when the basket hit the ground with a soft thud, but by steadying her breathing, she somehow managed to regain control over her body, watching with inescapable horror as the pilot opened the gate for her to exit the basket. With shaking legs, she stumbled out of the basket, unable to find her voice to thank the pilot for his service. While Katara still struggled and failed to compose herself, Aang had caught up with her, embracing her. "Sweetie, am I glad to see you!" he exclaimed joyfully. She couldn't even lift her arms to hug him back. Somehow, Aang still didn't notice that there was something seriously wrong with her.
"What are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to join me this time, or did you miss me that much?" Aang smiled at her. "Never mind, you won't believe all the things we have uncovered! Just the other day, we found this amazing statue of Avatar Yangchen, I need to show it to you right away," he continued, holding her in his arms, then quickly pressing a kiss to her lips. When Katara proved physically unable to force herself into kissing him back, Aang finally realized that something was definitely not right.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" he asked, pulling away, frowning at her pained expression. "Are you ill? Or hungry? When's the last you ate?"
"Aang," Katara finally managed. She was becoming aware of all the Air Acolytes in the temple garden looking at them. For what was to come, she definitely did not need an audience. "Where... where are you staying? I need to... sit down."
"Oh! Right this way!" Aang pointed at one of the simple white and blue buildings at the side of the courtyard. "I'm staying with all the other Air Acolytes, so it's a little busy, but still very nice! That building was once a pottery workshop, but it makes for great living quarters," the Avatar explained, turning towards his curious and intrigued looking apprentices. "Go back to your meditations, Air Acolytes, I'll rejoin you soon. Just helping my girlfriend settle in with us!" The colorful bunch that were the Air Acolytes appeared a little disappointed, but eventually did as Aang had instructed, while the Avatar himself escorted a slightly weak-legged Katara to the living quarters.
Inside, the converted pottery workshop looked almost like military barracks, but Katara didn't care about any of that, she simply slumped into the first chair she spotted. Aang gave her another concerned stare before finding a clean mug, filling it with water and passing it to Katara, who accepted it eagerly. "What's wrong, Katara?" Aang asked quietly. "You look like a ghost. And you weren't supposed to leave the Fire Nation so soon, what happened?"
Katara almost began to cry, but stopped at the thought that Aang would then try to comfort her. She didn't feel deserving of comfort or pity. Instead, she drew another deep breath and composed her thoughts. "Something happened while I was at the Fire Nation capital," she began, speaking in a hoarse voice. "I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did, and I bear full responsibility for it."
"What are you talking about, Katara?" Aang pressed. By now, he was also looking nervous and upset, sensing bad news.
"Zuko and I... we got together," she somehow got the words over her numb lips. There it was, the truth was out.
Katara could not bring herself to look up at Aang, but when she did, the expression on his face was what she had expected, that of shock, hurt and betrayal. "What? Why?" the young Avatar cried out angrily. "How could you, Katara?"
"I..." Katara began, but she didn't know how to continue. How could I, really?
Aang did not wait for her to find the words. With a stricken look on his face, he turned around, grabbed his glider and ran out of the house. Katara forced herself back to her feet, hurrying after him, only to see him running past the surprised Air Acolytes, opening his glider and disappearing into the night sky. All as one, the Air Acolytes turned to stare at her, some, especially the girls, giving her venomous and accusing stares. Katara felt immensely grateful for them. They were no less than what she deserved.
Three long days at the Southern Air Temple passed with no sign of the Avatar. During this time, Katara truly became the public enemy of the Air Acolytes, and nothing suited better than that, because it was what she deserved. The way Aang had fled the temple made it clear that she was the cause of his departure, and Aang's apprentices made sure to make their displeasure with her presence known. To save herself from the worst of their scorn, Katara moved to settle in well away from the others, remaining secluded in a partly excavated hovel, still full with rubble and all sorts of refuse.
She spent her days almost like a ghost of the temple, barely eating, barely sleeping, sustaining herself with only the occasional glass of water. Nothing brought solace to her, and she spent every minute of every hour tormenting herself with rapidly swelling self-loathing. She couldn't think of anything else, she could not distract herself with thoughts of Zuko or any memories that contained a tinge of happiness, all she could think of was how badly she had hurt Aang. That look of betrayal on his face haunted every moment of her existence, it spun her stomach into tight knots, it suffocated her lungs and it constricted her chest. And she wasn't sure how much more of this suffering she could take.
Several times each day she took Appa out to fly in search of Aang, but it was all to no avail. She knew that it would not lead to anything, because if Aang didn't want to be found, then she would never be able to find him no matter how hard she tried. Still, she needed to do something not to go mad. Flying on Appa's back at least brought a measure of comfort, it gave her a rare connection to happy memories of the past. And the great beast seemed to sense her turmoil and distress, always trying to give her an affectionate lick whenever she mounted or dismounted the loyal sky bison.
It was the end of the third full day of his absence, when Aang finally returned to the temple. At the time of his return, Katara was in the grand sanctuary of the temple, housing the impressive statues of all the past Avatars. She felt so small in the shadow of their greatness, and when Aang sought her out in the sanctuary, she felt smaller still, hardly able to face him. For a while, they simply stood there, Katara with her eyes lowered, Aang looking straight at her.
"I've spent the past few days deep in meditation and contemplation," Aang began to speak. She remained silent, waiting for him to finish. "I've made my decision, Katara. You know how I feel about you, how I've always felt about you," his voice became soft. It felt uncomfortably soft to Katara. "But now you will need to make a decision of your own, Katara. To be my girlfriend was always your decision. Remember, how we got together after the war? I'm asking again for you to decide if you still want to be my girlfriend."
Katara blinked away her tears, listening in disbelief at Aang's words. An unexplainable surge of anger, a fiery outrage sparked at the pit of her stomach, as her bleary, tear-stained eyes caught fire. "How... how can you be so calm about what I did to you?" Katara found herself shouting at him. "How dare you be so forgiving?" she cried.
"Because I love you," Aang spoke softly, stepping closer to her and trying to take her hand in an attempt to comfort her, but to his surprise, she withdrew. "Katara, loving someone means that you carry with you the capacity to forgive them," he attempted to explain. Unfortunately, it was the exact opposite of what Katara wanted to hear.
"I don't want to be forgiven because I don't deserve to be forgiven!" Katara screamed from the top of her lungs, startling Aang, and he actually took a step back. "I want you to be angry at me! I want you to hate me for what I have done! I want you to make me earn your forgiveness!"
"Katara... that's not what our love is like, it never has been, sweetie," Aang shook his head with a sad, understanding look in his large eyes. "I could never be angry with you, no matter what, not after what we've been through together. Our love has always been about supporting each other, about caring, nurturing and forgiving. That's what makes us such a great and effective couple."
Katara's only reply was hoarse laughter of disbelief. She tried to imagine what Zuko would do if they were together and she had been cheating on him. He'd probably incinerate me and my lover alive with a continuous jet of the fiercest flame. And if I ever caught Zuko cheating on me with someone else, I'd sink them both to the bottom of the deepest ocean, encased in a block of ice. But Aang just... waves it off and forgives me? She felt some of her anger and self-loathing being redirected at Aang because of his reaction. She didn't need his comforting, she didn't want his forgiveness. She wanted to see him scream and shout and break all these damned statues of past Avatars in a summoned tornado of his rage.
"You're still upset, I can see that, and I understand that you're angry with yourself," Aang smiled at her supportively. "That just proves how much you care, Katara. But I honestly think that you are too upset to make the decision that I need you to make. You need time to make the right decision, time and space, and I am prepared to give you both."
"I don't think you understand what I want, Aang," Katara said ruefully. She silently begged for him to finally show some passion, some hint of jealousy and possessiveness, but at the same time, she realized she would not get that from Aang. That just wasn't who he was, not at this point in his life. And maybe that's the problem.
"I don't believe so, Katara," Aang shook his head. "Remember, I know you better than most. What you need right now is time and space, I'm confident of it. As much as I'd love for you to stay here, it would only do harm to our relationship. Now, gather your belongings. I'm sending you back to Ba Sing Se with Appa," he turned to leave, motioning for her to follow. Numb and too tired to argue, Katara forced herself to follow, grabbing her backpack on the way to the gardens where Appa snoozed rolling on his side, the great sky bison immediately sensing their approach, huffing and puffing affectionately.
"We'll get through this, Katara, don't worry," Aang smiled at her, dragging her into a hug that she once again struggled to return. "Don't think that I'm not upset about what happened with Zuko, but you came straight back to me, and that's the most important thing. As long as we both want to make this work, our relationship will endure everything," he added, helping her climb onto Appa's back, ignoring her feeble protestations.
"Aang, you are making a mistake," she tried to object. "You don't even understand why I came back to you!"
"I understand that you are very confused right now, Katara, and that's alright," Aang smiled softly at her. "Appa will take you back to Ba Sing Se now, and I will see you in a month's time. That should be enough time for you to make a decision whether you want us to remain together. I trust you'll make the right choice."
"Wait, Aang-..."
"Appa, yip-yip!" instead of listening to her words, Aang gave the command. Moments later, the sky bison was speeding away from the Southern Air Temple and towards the Earth Kingdom, carrying a deeply frustrated Katara on his back.