Chapter 4: Bittersweet
"Have you finished your conclusion yet Ron?" Hermione asked without looking up from her parchment. She was busy looking over the paragraph she had re-written for the third time, making sure to have included all twelve known uses for dragon blood. Snape had mentioned he'd reward extra points if they were all properly listed and she was determined to get them.
"Nearly," Ron said tiredly. He looked at his watch. "Can we go now? Dinner is in a half hour."
"Almost," Hermione said. She glanced at the open book beside her before looking at her paper again. "Do you think Professor Snape will give extra credit if I include hypothetical uses for dragon blood?"
"Who cares what he thinks?" Ron sighed. He leaned back in his chair, tapping the table impatiently with his thumbs. "I'm starving. Let's go."
"If you want to go you're more than welcome to leave," Hermione said scribbling away, "I'll meet you and Harry there soon."
"Dunno if he's there yet," Ron mumbled. He rested his head on his folded arms. "He said he'd come here after practice but he's probably still out on the pitch."
Hermione said nothing but gripped her quill tighter at the mention of Harry. She was still sore about their little spat from that morning but was stubbornly refusing to talk to him. Last month she'd been trying to understand the relationship, if you could call it that, between him and Malfoy. Out of everyone, why him? Had Harry forgotten all the horrid things he had done to them over the years? Hermione's tongue touched her front teeth delicately, remembering the embarrassment Malfoy had given her when he made her teeth grow. What was it about him that was so interesting?
He's different, there's so much more to him.
That's what Harry had told her when she confronted him. Even though she was bitter, angry, and hurt, she believed him. And she hated that she did. Harry had always had a sixth sense when it came to reading people and he was usually right. If he said that there was something underneath Malfoy's cold exterior then Hermione believed him even though she didn't want to.
A sigh escaped her lips. She relaxed the tight grip on her quill and rested her head on her free hand. Now that she thought about it she'd been acting harshly since she found out and belittled Malfoy whenever he was brought up. Hermione had seen the way Harry's eyes lit up when he spoke about him or when she caught him staring at the blonde in class and as awful as it sounded, she was trying to stamp it out and bring him to his senses. She'd told herself that it was to protect Harry since his affections were one-sided but it was actually for her own grudge that she held against Malfoy. Regardless of how she felt, it wasn't right. She'd done nothing but turn Harry away.
Hermione sighed again and glanced at Ron, who had dozed off and was resting his head on his arms still. Her heart raced the longer she looked at him and she subconsciously squeezed her hand.
Was this how Harry felt when he looked at Malfoy?
She shook her head. The only know if she'd know for sure would be to actually talk to Harry instead of jumping to conclusions. They needed to talk, properly. It was about time they did.
"Ron," Hermione gently shook him, "I'm finished, let's go."
Ron grumbled under his breath and lifted his head. Hermione started organizing her papers and books, putting them neatly into her bag while he just shoved everything into his. He stood up, taking their books back to Madam Pince. Hermione rolled her eyes as he walked away. It was no wonder he could never find anything. Pulling her heavy bag over her shoulder, Hermione gathered up the last few books remaining on the table and followed after Ron, who was waiting for her at the doorway. She thanked the grouchy librarian quickly for her advice before they left the library.
"I can't believe we spent the whole evening in the library," Ron groaned rubbing his face, "I've had no time to practice for quidditch at all this month. Angelina will kill me if we lose our first game."
"You'll do just fine," Hermione reassured him. "The game is still a month away and Harry will help you."
"I hope so." Ron sighed. "So, are you still mad at Harry?"
"I'm not mad, I'm just vaguely annoyed."
"So mad."
Hermione rolled her eyes and hugged her books tighter to her chest. "I just wish he took better care of himself. He just-he hasn't been his usual self you know?"
"I know but he does seem happier. When was the last time we ever really saw him happy like this?" Ron asked looking at her. "Because I can't remember."
"I can't remember either." Hermione answered honestly. Harry's life was always being threatened one way or another and he always seemed stressed. Was Malfoy his escape for that?
"Exactly," Ron continued, "If Harry is happy then we should be happy for him. I mean he'd be happy for us if we started dating."
Both of them froze when the words left Ron's mouth. He looked at Hermione, the tips of his ears turning scarlet red and his eyes wide. Hermione felt her face heating up and she looked down, hoping her bushy hair would cover her blush.
"I-I mean-!" Ron stuttered loudly, gesturing wildly, "I didn't mean it like that! Not that-that you're not prett-I mean-!"
"I see you're still as rowdy as ever Ron." A voice from behind them said.
Hermione looked up, instantly recognizing the voice and a smile spread across her face.
"Cedric!" She said, beaming up at him. "You're back!"
"Blimey, how've you been?!" Ron said, clasping his shoulder, "It's been ages mate!"
Cedric laughed softly, a warm smile on his face. He hadn't changed a bit, still as handsome as ever. It looked like he grew another inch or two. That or Hermione had shrunk a few.
"Yeah it's been a while hasn't it?" Cedric said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm doing alright I suppose. How has fifth year been treating you two?"
"It's fantastic!" Hermione buzzed with excitement.
"Stressful.." Ron scowled, flicking his Prefect badge.
"I can imagine that being Prefects doesn't make it any easier. Fifth-year is surely a handful but I have no doubt you'll pass your O.W.L.s" Cedric smiled at Hermione, "Especially if you have the smartest witch in all of Hogwarts helping you."
"Well, maybe not all of Hogwarts but I'll take the compliment," Hermione said, feeling flattered. She didn't miss the annoyed look in Ron's face but ignored it. "When did you get back?"
"Today," Cedric said, "Well, a few hours ago actually. I was catching up with friends and whatnot but I needed a break, too much attention for my liking. I was actually looking for Harry earlier, apparently, he's been trying to get ahold of me?"
"Yes he has been," Hermione replied, stiffening a little. She and Ron looked at each other. Neither wanted to bring up the tournament but it looked like Hermione would have to. "Things since the..the tournament have caused a lot of rumors. I think-well, we think-"
"We think Harry needs some support from someone that went through the same thing he did," Ron finished for her, "He hasn't been himself and we're worried for him. It's like he's..lost. Like he doesn't know where to go from here."
Hermione bit her lip while Cedric nodded along, a serious look on his face. It looked like he was thinking things over.
"I'll talk to him," he finally said, "Do you know where I can find him?"
"He's likely at the pitch," Ron answered, "Said he wanted to practice as much as he could and knowing him he probably lost track of the time."
"He could already be at dinner." Hermione said.
"With Angelina at his heels? I doubt it."
"I can check the pitch and we can meet you at the Hall later," Cedric offered, nudging his head towards the Hall. "I reckon Ron's hungry, I can hear his stomach grumbling from here."
"M-maybe I am a little." Ron chuckled, embarrassed.
"I'll go with you if you don't mind," Hermione said to Cedric, "I need to talk to Harry anyway. We had a bit of a spat this morning and I'd like to make up with him."
"Don't mind at all," Cedric replied, smiling, "Let's go then?"
"We'll see you at dinner Ron." Hermione said with a wave and she followed after Cedric, not waiting for a response.
The two walked down the hall together, chatting about school. Hermione wanted to ask about the tournament but decided not to. From what Harry had told her Cedric had gone through enough and it felt wrong to ask him such personal things when she didn't know him as well. Instead, she took the opportunity to ask Cedric questions about some of the courses she was in, trying to get a better perspective on what their O.W.L.s would be like at the end of the year.
"Everyone is a bit dramatic when it comes to O.W.L.s," Cedric explained, "As long as you study well in advance you have nothing to worry about. The hardest part of the exam is trying to remember all the minor details, especially when it comes to potions. Don't skip any of the steps when they ask to list them."
"That's a relief," Hermione said with a sigh. "I know the exams are well off but Fred and George were giving my anxiety about it. I couldn't tell if they were messing with me or not."
"Sounds like something they'd do," Cedric chuckled, "Have you decided what career you want to pursue? Since you're taking so many key courses you have a quite a range to pick from."
"I talked to McGonagall about it but I still haven't decided yet," Hermione answered, her gaze shifting elsewhere, "There's just so many to pick from and I enjoy all of my courses, it's hard to pick just one.."
The wizarding world was full of so many opportunities, far more than she could've ever dreamed of. To have the courses she took now affect her future career made her anxious and she decided to play it safe encase she changed her mind later on.
"Oi, is that Malfoy?" Cedric's voice interrupted her thoughts.
Hermione looked up in time to see him nodding his head towards the end of the hall that led to the pitch. Sure enough, it was Malfoy, the unique blonde hair was hard to miss. An uneasy feeling starting building up in Hermione's stomach. He couldn't be returning from the pitch.. could he?
"Looks like he just came back from the pitch, we should ask if he's seen Harry," Cedric said, picking up the pace, "So we won't have to walk all the way there for nothing if he's not there."
"I don't think that's a good-"
"Malfoy!" Cedric called not having heard her. He rushed up to the blonde who surprisingly paused when he saw him. Hermione approached the two with caution since Malfoy looked angry. The usual cocky smirk he wore was replaced with a deep scowl and narrowed eyes.
"What do you want Diggory?" he spat, his voice laced with venom. Hermione tried not to flinch when he looked at her darkly. "Actually I don't care so sod off."
"Wait, hold on a sec." Cedric said firmly, putting an arm in front of him. This time Hermione flinched when Malfoy looked at the brunette like he would tear his arm off. The Hufflepuff was completely unphased though.
"We're looking for Harry-" He continued. Malfoy tensed immediately, "-have you seen him?"
"NO!" Malfoy snapped angrily, brushing past Cedric roughly. "Now fuck off!"
Malfoy stormed off with a huff and the uneasy feeling in Hermione's stomach tightened. She caught sight of a mark on the back of his neck and silently wished that it wasn't what she thought it was. But if he was coming from the pitch then Hermione already knew what events likely unfolded. After all, it explained why Harry hadn't shown up. It didn't explain Malfoy's anger though.
"Unless.." Hermione sucked in her breath. Had something happened between them?
"What's the hell is his issue?" Cedric asked, looking at her confused. "He's pissier than I remember."
"We need to go." Hermione cast a spell and shrunk the books she was carrying before tossing them into her robe pocket.
"What?"
"We need to go right now!" She repeated before running off without waiting for Cedric. Her steps echoed loudly as she sprinted down the hall to the path that led to the pitch. She heard Cedric call from behind but didn't pause. She was focused on getting to Harry.
"Please," she pleaded to no one in particular, "Please let Harry be ok."
Draco tasted sweet, like a raspberry treacle tart.
That was the first thing Harry noticed when he unexpectedly kissed him. The second thing he did was kiss him back because holy Merlin Draco was fucking kissing him.
Even though they had already kissed once, it was different than before. So very different. It was full of feelings he couldn't identify nor could he find words to explain. It was the feeling he had when he first discovered he was a wizard. Warm. Whatever that feeling was, it was making his heart pound so hard he was certain it would erupt within his chest. Harry's toes curled in delight when Draco tilted his head to deepen the kiss. The heat from his mouth was engulfing him. It soared through him like fire.
Just when he didn't think things could get any better, Draco surprised him by biting his lower lip. Gently but firmly enough to make it tingle and to make him gasp. He licked over it teasingly, and Harry quickly understood what he was getting at. Parting his lips slightly, Draco slid his tongue in. Harry's heart skipped a beat and the warmth in his chest grew. He shivered again while Draco's tongue carefully explored every part of his mouth.
A whine escaped Harry's throat when Draco suddenly sucked on his tongue harshly before breaking their mouths apart, a string of saliva connecting their lips. Not a second later, Draco was pressing their mouths together again. It was pure bliss.
The kiss continued and Harry was beginning to get light-headed. Whether it was from the feeling spreading through his chest or because of the lack of oxygen, he didn't know but he didn't care. Harry let out another soft whine when Draco broke the kiss again but he needed to breathe. Harry licked his lips which felt swollen and opened his eyes, his legs feeling like they'd turned into jelly.
Despite the warmth in his chest, Harry was also nervous. He was still waiting for a response from Draco about his confession. It scared him that he had admitted his feelings impulsively but now that they shared this kiss, he didn't care. Harry liked him, a lot. He possibly loved him. If there was a chance, no matter how small, that Draco felt what he felt, Harry would fight for it. For them. For Draco.
Draco looked up at him, his eyes half-lidded as his breathing slowed, his eyes glazed and his cheeks tinged pink again. He looked so beautiful.
"I-" he started, touching his injured hand gently, "Harry, I-"
Harry didn't get to hear him finish because a sharp pain emitted from his skull the second his name left Draco's lips. He quickly clutched at his head, letting out a strangled gasp. Draco seemed to be shouting at him his lips moving but no noise was coming out like he had been muted. He only heard a high pitched ringing. Harry felt himself becoming extremely dizzy, his vision beginning to become splotchy and he felt his legs give away from underneath him. Voices came pouring in all at once, making it hard to understand anything being said. The last thing he saw was Draco reaching for him before everything went black altogether.
"There's something..different. Something different going on with-"
"Exactly, what is that you want from me? Because-"
"Please, please don't. I don't want to go back-"
Harry gasped loudly again as he jolted back awake seconds after. He sat upright immediately but he soon regretted it. The quick action made his head throb and he felt dizzy all over again. He panicked for a brief moment when he couldn't see, not realizing where he was at first but everything came flooding back when he saw Draco at his side, he had his glasses in his hand.
Shakily, Harry took them from him and put them back on. He touched his head, confused. What had he just experienced? Was it Voldemort?
"What..the fuck," Harry mumbled, more to himself, "was that?.." He rubbed his temple gently, trying to ease the headache that was forming.
It wasn't like he never experienced these type of things before, being linked to Voldemort had its cons but he was sure it wasn't him this time. To Harry, it felt like waking up from a dream but not remembering much about it. He couldn't remember what he had even heard, the voices were already forgotten.
"Are you alright?" Draco asked. Harry could hear his voice shaking. "Why did you suddenly throw a fit?"
Nodding slowly, Harry sighed, looking up at him, "Yes, I'm fine.. I'm sorry, I don't know what that was, I've never experienced something like that before.."
"What exactly did you experience?"
"I'm not sure.." Harry said with a shrug, "I heard different voices, saying different things but it was hard to understand them. They all came out garbled together. Now I can't remember anything that was said, it all just vanished."
Draco didn't respond after that and stayed silent. He seemed to be tense, his shoulders hunched up and his hands were clenched tightly. He was staring hard at the ground with a blank expression. The look made Harry uneasy.
"Draco?" Harry said, trying to get him to look at him, "Are you alright?"
He reached out to him but Draco pulled away before he could touch him and stood up. Harry looked up at him, confused by his cold actions but eventually stood up as well. He nearly fell down again because his legs were still feeling wobbly but he managed to keep himself upright.
"Draco?.." He tried again. He was beginning to feel a little nervous, and not in a good way.
"If this is.." Harry paused, trying not to sound hurt, "..about what I said earlier.. I'm sorry, it sort of just slipped out and-"
"I think we should stop seeing each other." Draco finally said.
Harry physically felt his heart crack in two.
"What?" was all Harry managed to say, Draco's words echoing in his head. A nauseating feeling was beginning to overwhelm him. His stomach was twisting and he was beginning to tremble, his heart was pounding again but it was hurting more and more with every beat.
"I'm saying," Draco turned to look at him, at last, "that this is over."
Instead of the soft look he'd been looking at Harry with just moments ago, it was replaced with a stony expression. There was no hint whatsoever of what he was thinking, no light in the dark grey eyes or body movement Harry could read. Even his hands were unclenched, relaxed as they lay limp at his sides. Draco had become unreadable in a matter of seconds and had shut Harry out.
"You can't," Harry started, his voice shaking, "You can't do this to me.."
"Actually, I can." Draco said coldly, not blinking once, "And I will."
"You CAN'T!" Harry suddenly shouted, breathing hard as his chest heaved up and down. "Don't you realize how much I li-"
"I do, Potter," Draco said, making Harry flinch at the use of his surname, "And I can't return those feelings. I don't want to give you any sense of false hope is all so what better thing to do then to end this? It won't go where you want it to."
"You're lying..." Harry said angrily, "You kissed me. You fucking kissed me," he challenged him, "You can't say you didn't feel the same things I did. I don't believe it. I can't believe it."
Harry tasted the metallic taste of blood in his mouth, he had bitten his cheek too hard.
"I had to be sure. That's the only reason why I kissed you," Draco said, "Just forget that it happened, that all of this," he gestured to Harry and himself, "between us happened."
"I can't-I can't just walk away!" Harry shouted angrily, "You can't just expect me to forget everything. I did EVERYTHING you wanted. And this-this is how it's going to end?! You aren't even going to give me, us, a chance?!"
"No, I'm not." Draco said before adding on, "It's not as if this was going to last forever between us. I said before it was just sex, and nothing has changed."
The words wounded him deeply but Harry couldn't bring himself to back down. He couldn't, not when he had been so close..
"Please," Harry tried again, taking a step towards Draco, who immediately took a step back. He tried to stroke his cheek again, to kiss him again, to show him that it could work. "Please don't do this."
Draco moved away before they made contact and he shook his head.
"I'm sorry Potter, but it's over."
That was the last thing Draco said before he turned away and left, not once looking back.
Harry stood there, his arm still outstretched, flinching when the door slammed shut. He fell down to his hands and knees, trying to comprehend what just happened. He stared blankly at the ground, his hands clenching. Slowly, his breathing became more ragged and then he was gasping for air. He had just lost Draco. Before he knew it, he was sobbing uncontrollably, his body shaking with each cry. Harry punched at the ground in anger multiple times with his already swollen hand. The pain was awful but at the same time, he preferred the stinging pain erupting in his arm rather than the pain erupting in his chest.
Even though he eventually stopped crying, Harry was still struggling to breathe properly. It felt like he was suffocating and would throw up any second. Without thinking, he clawed at his throat desperately with his uninjured hand, trying to rip off the invisible hands he felt there. They clenched harder.
"Harry?!"
Harry looked up, still gasping. Hermione's blurry figure was standing in the doorway, her face flushed and hair looking wild. He tried to say something but his words got trapped in his tight throat. He looked at Hermione with a pleading expression, trying to speak with his eyes.
"Help me."
She was at his side the next instant.
"He did something to you, didn't he?" Hermione stated, her eyes darkening when she saw his bloody hand. "What did he do? What did he do to you?"
"Oi! What's happened?!"
Harry glanced behind her and saw Cedric stumbling in. When had he returned? They met eyes for a brief moment but Hermione's bushy hair got in the way and broke their connection. The hands around his throat however loosened and he gasped for the breath his lungs desperately needed.
"Malfoy's done something to him, his hand looks like it's just been smashed!" Her voice shook with rage. Cedric sprinted over and kneeled down, examining the bloodied hand carefully. Harry winced when he touched it but said nothing, his throat aching too much. His head was starting to hurt.
"Look's broken," Cedric said softly and Hermione visibly bristled like a cat, "We'll have to take him to Pomfrey."
"Did he do anything else to you?" She asked, her eyes rapidly moving over his features for any other wounds.
Harry opened his mouth but no words came out. It felt like his lungs were on fire. He looked away and closed his eyes tightly, forcing himself to swallow the lump in his throat.
"He," Harry said shakily, his eyes quickly became watery again, "h-he didn't..."
"What? He didn't what?"
"He didn't like me back."
The room got quiet and Harry bit his lip, the urge to cry was building up again. He tried to contain it but the heartbreak suddenly hit him all over again and once more he began to cry. It started off with a few tears but vastly escalated. His body shook with every silent sob and he felt sicker than he ever had before. It was like dementors had sucked all the happiness from him and every bad feeling he ever had in his life was hitting him all at once. But there was no spell to help Harry now or make it go away, no form of magic could help a broken heart.
Hermione said nothing but hugged Harry, squeezing him tightly as she wrapped her arms around him protectively. Harry clung to her with his free hand and he held onto her robes tightly as if his life were in danger. It wasn't long before Harry felt the hands around his throat return and this time he really couldn't breathe. He began to hyperventilate. His chest heaving up and down as he struggled to breathe. Screwing his eyes shut, Harry tried to grab at his throat again but Hermione's hands immediately stopped him.
"Harry, Harry listen to me!" Hermione said shakily as he continued to breathe raggedly. "I think-I think you're having a severe anxiety attack! You'll pass out if don't calm down!"
Calm down? How could he calm down? His heart had just been shredded into a million pieces. Everything hurt: his hand, his chest, his throat, everything was in pain-
"Harry," Cedric's deep voice interjected, it went through his body like a warm chill. He felt his warm hands firmly grab his shoulders that shook him gently. "Look at me."
He opened his eyes to find Cedric looking at him. He realized that his eyes were a light grey color, just like Draco's. Immediately Harry shut his eyes again, unable to look at him directly. He tried to turn away but Cedric grabbed his face and held him firmly in place.
"Harry, please look at me," He shook his head quickly, "Then listen to my voice, listen only to my voice. It's just you and me. The rest of the world? It doesn't exist right now. Follow after me ok?" He gave a slow nod.
Inhale."
He took in a sharp breath.
"And exhale."
He shakily breathed out.
After several minutes of inhaling and exhaling slowly, the hands disappeared and Harry was able to breathe. A few stray tears continued to roll down his face and he sniffled loudly. Cedric wrapped an arm around him after he calmed down and Hermione sat silently next to him, stroking his hand.
"Shh, I know, I know it hurts.." he whispered, "Calm down, you'll make yourself even sicker.."
Harry couldn't stop although, he didn't care about his health or his well-being. The only thing he cared about was Draco and a life with him, but it was all gone within a few moments, all because he had to go and admit his feelings and fuck everything up. If Harry had just kept quiet and just went along with it, Draco would be with him tonight, they would be together, maybe not in the way Harry wanted but they would still be together.
Instead, he was utterly alone with a gaping hole in his chest and was crying his problems out to Cedric and Hermione in the Quidditch locker-rooms.
"Anyone would be lucky to have you Harry.." Cedric said calmly, "Someday someone will care for you just as much.."
"But why didn't he?" Harry asked in a raspy voice, shaking," I did everything he wanted.. I thought he m-might..but he didn't.."
He didn't finish and let out a shaky sigh. He thought of all the time he spent with Draco and how he had taken it for granted. Draco curling up to him in his sleep, his pleads for pleasure, his smartass comments, his cocky smirk and the first true kiss that they had shared only half an hour ago. The way he moved his mouth against Harry's, the way he tasted and how he seemed desperate for more of Harry's touch. And then he thought of Draco turning away from him, pushing him away and telling him how he didn't feel the same.
"I think we should stop seeing each other."
That was the last thing Harry thought of before he felt a wand press against his temple and everything went black.
Hermione lowered her wand once Harry's eyes glazed over and he lost consciousness. The sleeping spell was the only thing she could think of that would help him stay calm. For now anyway. Who knew what he would be like when he woke up.
"So," Cedric said quietly, "Malfoy and Harry?"
"That's not my story to tell," she said lowering her gaze, "You'll have to ask Harry about that when he wakes up."
"I understand," he said and changed the subject, "We need to get him to Pomfrey's. I'll carry him there."
"You don't need to do that."
"I want to,' Cedric said looking at her, "He saved my life that night in the graveyard. The least I can do is carry him to the hospital wing."
Hermione said nothing but nodded, giving in. She helped Cedric put Harry on his back. He lifted him up with ease but it was no surprise as Cedric was a fit quidditch player. Together they left the locker rooms and made their way back to the castle trying not to slip on the icy path. Hermione glanced at Cedric as they walked, wondering what he was thinking but she remained quiet, more concerned about Harry.
"You won't say anything will you?" She asked, "Harry's not exactly.. Out yet. If you know what I mean."
"Of course not," Cedric said looking at her, "I swear, my lips are sealed about this."
"Thank you." Hermione replied, feeling relieved. It felt good to share this secret with someone instead of having to shoulder it herself. However, she refrained from speaking about it. Like she had said, it was Harry's story to tell not hers.
"Does Ron know?" Cedric asked as they neared the castle.
"No, only I did. And now you."
"Better come up with a good excuse then," he said with a huff, nodding his head towards the windows, "I think I just saw Ron heading this way. You gonna tell him what happened?"
Hermione looked up just in time to see the doors open, wincing at the bright light that poured out from the halls. Ron's red hair and his lanky figure were unmistakable. He looked at Harry lying limp on Cedric's back and ran down hurriedly, the look of worry etched upon his face. Hermione let out a sigh and braced herself for the dozens of questions he would ask. She glanced at Harry's peacefully sleeping face and everything they'd been through flashed through her mind and several times Harry had protected her.
"No," she answered. "No, I'm not."
It was time for her to protect him.