Chapter 5: Suffocating

"I don't hate you. At least not like-"

"We're better as a team, together we can-"

"Wait, wait, don't do-"

Harry woke with a start, his eyes snapping open. He sat up quickly, his head throbbing as the voices faded away to distant echoes. He was breathing heavily and was covered in a thin layer of sweat, his shirt clinging to his body. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest wildly. Pushing his sweaty bangs back, he gulped down a mouthful of air to fill his empty lungs. Glancing around the fuzzy but all too familiar looking room, he realized he was in the hospital wing. Hadn't he been in the locker rooms just a moment ago? When had he gotten here? Where were Hermione and Cedric?

Scrambling for the oil lamp that sat on the nightstand beside his bed, he hissed when a jolt of pain shot up his arm and quickly pulled it close to him. Squinting in the dark, he saw his hand was bandaged up and had been placed in a cast, immobilizing it. Great. He'd broken his own hand.

Shaking his head at his stupidity, Harry used his other hand and turned the lamp to a higher setting to see better. His glasses were perched next to it and he grabbed them, putting them on. Once his eyes adjusted to the dimly lit room, he realized there was a glass of water on the stand too and with no hesitation he grabbed it. The cold drink was finished in mere seconds as he chugged it down, his throat burning from thirst.

When there was not a single drop left, Harry let out the breath he'd been holding. Wiping his mouth, he glanced around the hospital room. There were rows of empty white beds that were all untouched, except for one that was beside him. They were hidden under the covers only moving when they breathed. He squinted again, trying to see if he could recognize them but it was too dark so he decided not to pay any mind to them. There were only a few lit candles, already faint from burning for so long, and a faint light in Madam Pomfrey's office. Harry assumed it was the middle of the night since there was no clock in the hospital wing. The moon glowing outside proved him to be right.

Feeling a sense of calm go through him, Harry sunk back into the soft pillows and sighed tiredly. He carefully touched his temple, tracing the lightning bolt scar that was there. Whatever had been in the water seemed to have been laced with something as both his headache and tension were gone. Harry turned onto his side and set the empty glass back on the nightstand before rolling onto his back to think about how he'd gotten here.

Cedric and Hermione must've taken him to the hospital wing last night after he blacked out. Even though Harry knew they were worried he still felt a little agitated about being in the hospital wing. Last night wasn't his best moment, anyone could've seen that but he didn't want word to get out that he'd landed up here. People would see his hand and it wouldn't be long before the wild rumors would start. It's not as if he cared what others thought, it was just last night had been a bit more personal and the idea of being outed made his stomach turn. It wasn't something he wanted to deal with right now.

Harry shoved that fear out of his head quickly and instead examined his hand again. He couldn't believe he had broken it. Perhaps Hermione was right to make such a fuss about it. He could already hear her scolding him for not taking care of himself and for being reckless, and so on. He could also see Ron's worried face, and fighting with Madam Pomfrey to try and convince her to let them stay with him overnight. Thinking about his friends made his chest ache if only he could have them there with him. He needed them more than ever.

The person beside him suddenly snorted loudly, breaking his chain of thoughts. Harry turned his head in their direction with an annoyed look. Honestly, didn't wizards hear about nose strips for sleeping? He was about to turn away when he realized, he knew that snore.

"..Ron?" Harry whispered sitting up.

He received no kind of response but Ron was a deep sleeper. Harry tried to get out of bed but his lower body was aching so he was forced to stay put. Licking his lips, he tried once more.

"Ron!" He said in a loud whisper, shooting a glance over his shoulder at Madam Pomfrey's office to make sure she hadn't heard him.

After several more attempts of harsh whispers and even trying to reach the bed by stretching his arms out, Harry launched a pillow at the form as hard as he could, which seemed to do the trick. The person snorted at the impact and shuffled around before slowly pulling their cover off. Even in the dim lighting, Harry could still see the unmistakable ginger hair sticking up in odd directions and knew that it could only belong to his best mate.

Ron turned his head towards Harry slowly and he heard a muffled "bloody hell." He was quick to move when he saw he was awake and he rubbed his eyes, yawning loudly.

"Harry, you're awake!" He said in a groggy but relieved whisper, stifling another yawn before hurriedly asking, "How are you feeling?"

"I've been better," Harry admitted. "I feel like I got into a fist fight with the Whomping Willow."

"Mm, I can imagine what that must feel like." Ron grimaced, thinking about their second year. "But what the fuck happened last night? Why didn't you come back from the Quidditch pitch? Hermione and Cedric were going to look for you but when I almost to the hall I got this awful feeling. Then I saw Malfoy and he was wearing quidditch gear and"-Harry froze at the mention of Draco, everything coming back to him in a rush-"Hermione said they hadn't seen him at the pitch but I swear on my life if he laid a finger on you, Harry, I'll hex him so hard his snobbish children will feel it."

Harry's eyes began to water but he blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling. He shook his head, clearing his throat as he came up with an excuse.

"No, he-he wasn't there. At least not from what I can remember." Harry lied, gripping the bedsheets in front of him tightly. The lump in his throat was growing. He tried to swallow it but it was clenching his throat so much it was starting to become harder to breathe.

"Then what happened? Hermione said she didn't know and that they found you having some sort of anxiety attack," Ron explained, "Does it have to do with your girlfriend?"

Harry nodded, unable to speak. He couldn't bring himself to say the words.

"Did the two of you have a row?"

He shrugged.

"Harry.." Ron's voice was softer now, "Did.. Did the two of you split?"

He tensed and hesitated at first, then nodded. The tight feeling in his throat wasn't going away so Harry blew out a shaky breath, trying to remember what Cedric had told him. The feeling went away and he was able to breathe again. Ron was silent as he did this and eyed him warily. He only spoke up again when Harry let go of the sheets.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Merlin, no," Harry said with a shake of his head. He certainly wasn't ready to talk about that and Ron didn't push any further, respecting his space. There was another moment of silence before Harry regained control of himself. Rubbing his eyes, he coughed and spoke up, trying to get his mind off of Draco.

"A-Anyway, what happened?" Harry asked, his voice tight, "The last thing I remember is talking to Hermione and Cedric and then I woke up here.."

"Well after they brought you in Hermione said she'd put you under a sleeping spell, figured it was the best way to help you calm down," Ron explained. There was a vague sound of disappointment in his voice and Harry felt a swarm of guilt. "So we brought you here, well Cedric did, he's a lot stronger then he looks. Hermione and I just followed along. Pomfrey was really upset when she looked you over. Said you'd broken a few knuckles in your hand and had a bit of a fever. She wanted you to stay the night just to be safe but you can leave tomorrow morning if you're feeling better."

"Great," Harry said sarcastically as he looked at his hand, "Angelina is gonna kill me."

"Fuck Angelina!" Ron snapped not caring if Pomfrey heard, "Why didn't you talk to us, Harry? We've always had your back, you know that and you lied to us about being ok these past few weeks. We're not your best friends for nothing and we want to be able to help you in any way we can."

"I know, I'm sorry, truly I am, the last thing I wanted to do was worry you two.." Harry sighed looking at his hands, "I honestly didn't realize how bad I was getting and you're right, I should've gone to talk to you and Hermione about it.."

This was a huge mess and it was his fault. Being with Draco was not only affecting him but his relationship with his friends and others around him. Hermione was right about what he had been doing, it was unhealthy. He thought about all the should'ves, could'ves, and would'ves but those didn't matter now. What's done was done and now he had to try and fix his mistakes.

Suddenly his bed shifted, and Harry turned. He was surprised to see Ron was sitting on his bed.

"Look," he started, "What matters is you're okay. That's what really matters to us. And even if you aren't, that's alright too because we'll be here regardless."

He held out a fisted hand to Harry.

"Still friends?"

Harry smiled and bumped Ron's fist with his own.

"Best friends, as if you need to question that you over-dramatic bloke."

"You're one to talk about drama. Your life is like a book series." Ron retorted messing up his already messy hair before going back to his own bed and clambering back in.

Harry chuckled, but his laughter vanished quickly when he took a double glance at Ron, realizing something he hadn't before. His hair wasn't messy as he had previously thought, there was something on top of his head.

"Ron.. What the hell is in your hair?" Harry asked, gesturing to his head.

"Oh, these?" Ron pushed his hair back to show small antlers sticking out of his head. They were small, only about an inch long but still noticeable. "Pomfrey wasn't letting me or Hermione stay here with you because "Neither of you has an injury." he said in a high pitched tone that mimicked Pomfrey, "So I convinced Cedric to do the anteocultia hex on me since Hermione refused to."

"Anteocultia hex?" Harry mumbled, his eyes widening a fraction, "You mean you grew-"

"Antlers? Yeah, it hurt like hell I'll have you know. They were a lot larger than this. If I were a deer I would've been king of the forest," he joked while flicking one gently, "They were much heavier too, nearly snapped my neck when they appeared. Pomfrey was pissed since the only way to get rid of them is to reverse the hex which makes them grow backward until they disappear. So she had no choice but to let me stay the night also."

Ron smiled proudly, looking a little smug. Harry smiled back, flattered that he had gone to such lengths to be able to stay with him. He was lucky to have a friend like him, incredibly lucky.

"Thanks, Ron.. I mean you didn't have to do that.." Harry said softly, "I can't imagine the pain though.."

"You're my best friend Harry, why wouldn't I?" Ron asked, "And it wasn't so bad. It just felt like a really bad headache that just so happened to grow out of your head. It's more of an annoying itch now."

"Well when you put it that way, maybe I can imagine it." Harry said, rubbing the side of his head.

"I guess so. Well, get some sleep. You need your rest and frankly, so do I." Ron said as he pulled the covers over him once more but not before he threw Harry's pillow back at him, "Night Harry."

"Night Ron."

Harry turned over and pulled the covers over him, trying to get some sleep but his mind drifted back to Draco again.

"I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Harry felt the pain in his heart grow and it slowly cut deeper into his chest, the void that was there swallowing him. Not wanting to wake up Ron, Harry grit his teeth when hot tears began to form into his eyes. He let them fall and forced himself to hold in the screams that were building up in his throat. Harry gripped the sheets tighter, burying his face into the pillow and he soon began to feel emotions he hadn't felt in a long time begin to resurface as they tried to numb him from feeling pain. Hurt, confusion, depression, rejection but above all, anger. Harry let out a shaky breath as he let himself push away the hurt and pain, his mind focusing itself on the anger that began to build up within him.

He felt another panic attack occurring when his lungs seemed to incapable of producing oxygen. Clutching the bed sheets tightly in his hand Harry shut his eyes and breathed as slowly as he could, thinking about what Cedric had said to him. His soft words drowned out Dracos.

"The rest of the world? It doesn't exist right now."

Harry repeated that thought multiple times to himself. It was just him, nobody else, only him. He wasn't in the hospital wing or sick, he was flying a broomstick for the first time. He was seeing Hogwarts for the first time when he was eleven. He was learning about the magic that had remained hidden within him since his birth. Harry wasn't at Hogwarts, he was home. A calmness washed over him and Harry's mind continued to think of Cedric's calm voice.

"Inhale."

Harry breathed in through his nose.

"Exhale."

Harry breathed out and the tight grip he had on the bed sheets relaxed. The gaping void in his chest remained where it was but it wasn't as painful as before.

"I gave everything to him, I did anything I could to make him happy and for what, to get nothing in return?" Harry thought, feeling extremely bitter, "He's never cared for me, he doesn't give a shit about me. I doubt he's thinking about me right now."

Harry held his breath, his anger leaving him as a dull ache took its place. He looked blankly at his injured hand, remembering when Hermione had confronted him. She had accepted his sexuality with ease but told him how it would sometimes get hard along the way, especially when people would begin to find out about his secret. She failed to tell him though that getting his heart broken by someone he fancied would be far worse than any rumor or insult. Feeling his eyes getting watery again at the thought of Draco, Harry forced them closed and shoved his face into the pillow trying to sleep.

Why was I born this way?

"Harry, how're you feeling?"

Harry stared emotionlessly at the plate of food before him, the sound of gossip and laughter ringing off the walls of the Great hall. The smell of different types of delicious foods mixing in with each other into one wonderful aroma. It was a smell Harry loved but as of right now, it made him want to throw up. He and Ron had been released from the hospital wing earlier that morning. Pomfrey warned Harry that he needed to take better care of himself and didn't want to see him like that ever again. Reluctantly he agreed to avoid her wrath but Harry's depression was hitting him hard. Ron had to practically drag him to breakfast because he didn't want to do anything besides go back to his room and be alone to sulk.

Harry didn't want to be here, at breakfast with his friends in the Great Hall. For the first time, he didn't even want to be in Hogwarts, his home, and wanted to leave. It had taken a lot of encouragement from Hermione and Ron to get him to even enter the Great Hall. The only way he went in was when Ron claimed it was early and not many students were there yet, subtly hinting that Harry's 'ex' would most likely not be there.

Harry was absolutely terrified of seeing Draco but at the same time was desperate to seek him out, to try and fix everything that had happened. But so far he hadn't seen him. He had glanced at Slytherin's table out of habit when his usual gang entered but didn't see him at his usual spot. It made him feel relieved and disappointed. He also wondered why he would even be absent. It was unlike him to be this late and Harry's anxiety was worsening the longer the blonde's spot remained empty.

"Harry? Are you listening?"

Harry flinched when Hermione touched his hand gently and he was brought to his senses, not realizing that he hadn't answered the previous question. He looked up at his friend Hermione sullenly, who was waiting patiently for him to respond as Ron scarfed down strips of bacon, and Harry forced a weak smile before slipping his hand away. Her touch used to be comforting but right now it was scorching.

"I'm okay I guess. I'm just a little tired still.."

It hurts.

"I'm sorry again for last night, for worrying you."

Make it stop.

Hermione looked him up and down slowly with an unbelieving look, turning to Ron who glanced back at her before he silently went back to eating, casting a nervous glance at Harry. Shaking her head slightly at his lack of persistence, she turned back to him and mouthed to him slowly.

"Are you thinking of Malfoy?"

Harry looked away before her lips could form his name, his stomach churning as it did backflips. He knew he couldn't lie to her, it was Hermione. She could read him easily and his reaction to her question already confirmed her suspicions anyway. Fiddling with his fork for a moment, he looked up at her and nodded slightly. She looked at him with sympathetic eyes and mouthed to him again.

"We'll talk later."

Harry nodded again, not wanting to argue about the matter any further. He quietly turned his gaze away from his friends, prodding at the scrambled eggs and sausage on his plate. His stomach was still doing flip flops but he forced himself to eat his food even though he wanted to throw up after every mouthful. Besides, his friends were watching him carefully to make sure he ate, they'd force feed him if they had to and he knew it.

Despite his obvious misery, Harry was at least content that it was Saturday and he didn't have to worry about going to classes or having to deal with Draco until the following Monday. Sighing under his breath, Harry took another bite of the delicious but bland food and allowed himself to be lost in his thoughts, trying to remember the strange dreams he had after he and Draco had.. Harry felt a chill crawl up his spine and he squeezed his hand before the memory could engulf him.

He took a bite of buttered toast that had gone cold and forced himself to focus on trying to remember exactly what he had heard but it was difficult. He couldn't remember anything and had nothing to go off on. Harry silently began to wonder what it meant. To have suddenly experienced some sort of flashback randomly. He had his moments of Déjà vu and of course when he and Voldemort's thoughts clashed from time to time but this was completely different. He couldn't think of anything that may have triggered the flashback, it was only Harry and Draco but he knew for certain the voice didn't belong to the blonde. He knew what he sounded like, like for example when he was scratching down his back as he threw his head back and moaned-

Harry stiffened and shoved the dirty thought away. The last thing he wanted to think about was that but he could feel an uncomfortableness in his pants already forming. Harry set down his fork in frustration and took a drink of his juice. Damn these hormones of his, showing up at the worst possible time. He glanced over the Slytherin table again and when he caught sight of white-blonde hair, he swallowed his juice too quickly and nearly choked causing him to have a coughing fit.

"You alright mate?" Ron asked, glancing over his shoulder to see what Harry was looking at.

"Agh-Yes, I'm fine," Harry quickly said as he tried to get Ron to turn around, feeling his cheeks getting warm, "I just took too big of a drink."

"..Alright well, take it easy. We still have loads of time before breakfast finishes you know, no need to rush. The last thing we need is for you to choke on pumpkin juice." Ron said casually with a shrug. He helped himself to some more food while Hermione peeked over her shoulder. Harry knew that she knew who he had seen from the murderous look in her eyes and the angry huff she let out before reading the book she had brought. She flicked her brown eyes in his direction but he was quick to avoid her gaze.

When she went back to reading, Harry tried to casually look towards the Slytherin table without it being obvious but it was hard to when Draco looked perfectly fine. He seemed to be sneering gleefully with Crabbe and Goyle, surprisingly Blaise wasn't latched to his side. His eyes were shining brightly as he laughed and spoke while Harry felt as if he gotten stabbed in the heart. He felt sick again and as much as it pained him to look at the beautiful blonde, he couldn't look away from him. He was so intoxicating to look at, every facial expression was beautiful to Harry. It made him hunger for more, especially when he saw the smooth lips he had engulfed the night before curl up into a smile. He continued to stare for a moment or two when Hermione shifted suddenly, purposely blocking his view and preventing him from looking at Draco any longer. He had been caught.

She gave him a stern look that clearly said: "Stop it."

Harry huffed in irritation and looked away from her gaze again but he felt her eyes burning into him. It was suddenly like he was five again and Aunt Petunia was watching his every move to make sure he didn't make a mess. He hated being watched but said nothing about it. He fiddled with his food some more and continued to eat. It hurt to swallow now, the lump in his throat was forming again and it wasn't long before Harry's vision started to blur. The void was swallowing him again.

He couldn't do this.

"Harry? Where are you going?" Ron asked said when he stood. "Are you alright?"

"No," Harry answered honestly, his voice strained, "I just-being here in the same room-.." He sighed, "It's too much for me. I can't do it. I'm sorry, this is was way too soon. I need some fresh air."

Immediately Ron and Hermione started to stand but Harry shook his head quickly. People were starting to stare, the last thing he wanted was to be the center of attention right now.

"No, it's fine. I need time alone to clear my head.."

"I don't really want to leave you alone right now," Hermione said cautiously her stern look turning soft and sympathetic, "We want to go with you.. Please."

"No," Harry sighed out, "I just-I just need some time to process everything that's happened.." He smiled reassuringly when they looked at him worriedly, "I'll be fine, I'll be back soon. We'll meet at the library for homework in an hour?" He suggested, hoping they'd grant him freedom.

"...I suppose." Hermione murmured, the hurt becoming more evident as she lowered herself back into her seat.

"Yeah, I guess that's alright.." Ron said with a defeated shrug as he settled back down next to Hermione, "We're here.. Don't forget that."

"I won't."

Saying nothing further, Harry took his leave, trying to ignore his friends' worried faces and the guilt he felt for abandoning them. He glanced at Slytherin table again and wasn't surprised when Draco wasn't looking his way this time. Harry made himself look away, his heart beating rapidly and face turning warm. He tried to hide himself by lowering his head until his bangs shielded his eyes.

Pushing open the doors, he kept his eyes turned to the floor and he allowed his feet to lead him, not really caring where it was he was going. Anywhere was better than being in there. He cursed to himself silently, feeling weak and foolish for running away. It wasn't like him at all to run from his problems, he didn't like the person he was turning into. Harry also hated how he reacted to Draco, it seemed he had so much control over him and he couldn't do anything about it. He felt like a puppet being forced to do things he didn't want.

"I fucking hate this," Harry thought angrily, "I hate this so much."

Harry started getting emotional again and he blinked rapidly to hold the tears back. He didn't want to cry again, it could trigger another attack. Inhaling deeply, he breathed out slowly to calm himself down, shutting his eyes for a moment. He grumbled unrecognizable words under his breath and continued his fast pace but to his surprise, a strong hand gripped his loose robes tightly, stopping him and pulling him back.

Harry jumped and turned his head quickly to see who had grabbed him, a small part of him hoping it was Draco. But much to his dismay it was Angelina who didn't look pleased in the slightest. Great, now Angelina was going to tell him off.

"Oh.." Harry said, trying to hide his disappointment, "Hey Angelina-"

"What this rumor that you've busted your hand about?" She asked getting straight to the point. She crossed her arms over her chest and Harry was quick to tuck his hand in his pocket before she could examine it. "What happened?"

"Erm-Well, I-I," Harry stuttered, trying to think of a good excuse, "I was out at the pitch with the snitch and-"

"I gave you the snitch to practice with," She said sternly, shoving her face close enough to his that he could smell her sweet perfume, "Now you've got a busted hand and our first game is only a few weeks away! I expected this sort of thing from Ron, maybe even from Fred and George, but not from you! What the hell were you thinking?!"

Before Harry could come up with an excuse, a strong hand fell upon his shoulder. He looked up, surprised to see Cedric hovering over him. When did he get there? He hadn't even heard him approach.

"Now now Angelina, there's no need to yell at Harry in the middle of the hall," Cedric said calmly with a smile that made her blush. "The poor bloke broke his hand trying to meet up to your expectations. Can't you cut him some slack?"

Angelina's mouth opened, ready to shout again but she closed it. With a huff and an agitated glance at Harry, she gave a weak shrug.

"I guess you're right about that," She mumbled before getting loud again, "But if we lose because-"

"Harry will be great, I'm sure, he always has been hasn't he?" Cedric said with a wave of his hand, "Wood would be proud of how well you've been managing the team with him gone."

"I appreciate that," Angelina replied, her blush turning a darker shade of red, "But-"

"I only speak the truth," Cedric said, pushing Harry in front of him, "If you'll excuse us I'm escorting Harry to the hospital wing so Pomfrey can check his hand. See you in class!"

He waved to Angelina who stayed where she was, a scowl forming across her face. Harry said nothing but followed his lead, anything to get away from her wrath. Even though he wasn't in the mood for being touched it was comforting the way Cedric had an arm loosely wrapped around his shoulder. Plus, Harry sniffed, he smelled really good too. Like vanilla. A better smell than whatever flowery perfume Angelina was using.

"Thanks," Harry said when they were out of her sight, "I thought she was going to break my other hand."

"No worries," Cedric said, "She's been on edge since she's trying to uphold Wood's reputation. She's been really hard on Fred and George too."

"She was right though, about my hand," he said with a sigh looking at his hand. "I hope this doesn't mess things up for our match."

"You won't, Cho is intimidated by you and you're skills. You'll do just fine," he said with a shrug, not seeming to be affected at the mention of his ex-girlfriend. He gave Harry's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before moving his hand away entirely. "So I saw you take off during breakfast. You ok?"

"Not in the slightest," Harry sighed, staring at the ground. "Dra-..Malfoy. Seeing him, it just-it hurts. It really hurts."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," he said shaking his head, "Definitely no."

His throat was tightening up just at the mention of Draco, if he wasn't able to talk about it with Hermione and Ron he definitely wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone else, no matter how much he trusted Cedric.

"How about a trip to Hogsmeade then?" Cedric asked politely, "It'll take your mind off things for a while and I hear there's a new flavor of butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks."

Harry pondered the idea for a moment. Would he rather lay in bed and sulk about his ex-lover for the rest of the day or go out and relieve his stress by catching up with an old friend?

"Sure, I guess," he shrugged, "I need some fresh air anyway."

"It's a date then!" Cedric said happily. He quickly spoke again when Harry looked at him blankly and laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck, "Sorry I was just kidding. That was a failed attempt of me trying to cheer you up. Anyway, let's go then!"

Harry, not really in a joking mood, said nothing in return but gave him a nod, following after him. He brushed off his words as nothing more than playful banter. After all, from what he knew Cedric was as straight as an arrow. He was just being friendly.

Right?