LAST TIME: Deidara is getting ready for the Chunin Exams, and Shisui shows up to be like, "yooo you're in the bingo book as a Iwa missing-nin now. Wtf is your cover story NOW?"
xXx
Itachi makes Shisui swear that, in addition to scattering their new and ridiculous cover story for Deidara all over the place, he'll stay in the house with Sasuke while they're gone. Deidara honestly doesn't get the Sasuke babysitting obsession, but Shisui is looking more and more like he might start hyperventilating, so Deidara reassures him that babysitting Sasuke isn't that bad.
"Mostly he just wants to practice ninja stuff, yeah," Deidara says. "He's not even that bad at it."
Shisui blinks twice, then looks at Deidara like he's had a revelation.
"Itachi leaves Sasuke with you?" he asks.
"Yeah?"
"He trusts you with that?"
Deidara squints back at Shisui. Itachi has run off to send a message to Mikoto and apologize to Sasuke for skipping shuriken practice.
"I live here, yeah," Deidara answers finally. He doesn't see what the big deal is. Itachi also uses him for cooking and doing laundry, because he's a jerk.
"Huh," Shisui says, scratching the back of his head. "He's got it worse than I thought."
Deidara definitely doesn't know what that means.
There's provisions in the Chunin Exam call for entrants that, although Kiri's political problems are "guaranteed" not to interfere in the exam, villages may send up to one additional jounin per two genin teams as a security measure. Deidara is sure this provision came as the result of a lot of bickering between villages. Itachi leaves before dawn to make the Hokage switch him out with whoever was originally assigned as Bonus Jounin, and he's already waiting for Deidara by the gates at 7AM.
His ANBU mask is a weasel, which is just stupid given it's supposed to hide his identity.
Kakashi, for the first time since Deidara has met him, is on time.
"Maa, heard an interesting rumor this morning," Kakashi says as Deidara approaches. He's holding a bingo book in the exact same casual way as he holds his porn novels.
"Oh yeah?" Deidara asks, casual as can be.
"I was just telling Kakashi-sempai about your clone problem," Itachi says dryly.
Kakashi leafs through the bingo book like he's actually reading it.
"So Orochimaru cloned you and sold the clone to Iwa, and then the clone went missing-nin, huh," Kakashi says. "That's some interesting family drama."
"Yeah," Deidara agrees and then doesn't say more, because if he keeps talking he's going to end up yelling at Itachi for constructing such a stupid story.
"And the clone's name is also Deidara," Kakashi continues.
"I've heard it's a very common name in Iwa, yeah."
"This says he's a year younger," Kakashi presses.
"Well, obviously," Deidara sneers back. "He's a clone. They had to make him after I was born, yeah."
"Fascinating," Kakashi concludes, not giving away an opinion one way or the other, and then tucks away the bingo book into his weapon's pouch. He does not mention that bloodline limits Deidara has, both of which are quite rare, are exclusive to Earth Country. Itachi told him to say Konoha purposefully stole them during the War if asked, and something about that lie extra pisses Deidara off. "I'm glad Hokage-sama is sending my adorable kouhai Weasel with us, because this is going to get weird."
Itachi had sworn the cover-up story made sense, because Orochimaru had been experimenting on kids that went into ROOT around that time, and a kid with experimental stolen bloodline limit combinations would definitely go into ROOT. Deidara is less convinced. He can't decide if it's a good thing he's leaving the village for a few weeks, so that he doesn't have to deal with weird questions, or a bad thing, because he wants to see Itachi's plan blow up in his face.
Deidara squints at Itachi as Daisuke and Shiori appear in the distance, walking side by side and talking to each other. Deidara can't tell if Itachi used any genjutsu on Kakashi; there's no sign of a waking coma, but also Itachi is perfectly capable of being subtle when he wants.
Or, maybe being on Itachi's special no-kill list also precludes you from having your brain melted. Itachi seems perfectly happy to just let Mikoto and Shisui make their own conclusions about his wild behavior, after all.
Daisuke and Shiori are both openly curious about Itachi- or, at least, Daisuke stares like a moron and Shiori gains a weird intensity that means she's interested. They'd been told they'd have an ANBU or jounin going with them, but Itachi is obviously on the younger side. They probably think he's a little older than he actually is, because he's tall and the mask hides the baby-ish features of his face, but he's still obviously a teenager.
"This is ANBU Weasel," Kakashi introduces. "You defer to him like you would to me."
Daisuke and Shiori both nod seriously. Deidara rolls his eyes.
Kakashi sets a brutal pace for the other two genin, not because he's trying to get them to Kiri early, but because he wants time to make them water-walk in the afternoon.
"Onto the water, kiddos," he says, hopping out of the tree they took a lunch break in and onto the river below. Daisuke groans but follows, followed by the rest of the team. Itachi, who's been so silent Deidara would have forgotten he was even there if he weren't constantly aware of Itachi's annoying presence, brings up the rear.
Back in Iwa, water-walking was considered unnecessary for new graduates, and Konoha has the same mentality. The Konoha Academy focuses on making sure their graduates can scale and hop around and fight in the absurd trees that surround the village, and the Iwa Academy had a similar focus on rock climbing and mountainous terrains.
In Kiri, they literally give birth in water. The genin there undoubtedly can fight on (and in) water with all the poise the Konoha genin have in the trees. Water-walking is essential for them to learn.
It's still annoying.
They go slower on the water, because Daisuke and Shiori aren't great at water-walking yet. Deidara doesn't remember it taking this long for him to get it. He also remembers his jounin sensei giving actual instructions, instead of sending them to make photocopies of a scroll in the library.
Kakashi had then directed them to Deidara for tips and called it teambuilding. Deidara was definitely going to murder Kakashi as soon as he made chunin. Maybe during the Exams, even. The Bloody Mist would be cool with that, right?
Deidara, of course, is a bad-ass S-rank missing-nin and not a dumb baby genin, so he can walk on water as easily as on land.
"Stop staring at your feet," he snaps at Daisuke, who immediately trips over himself and goes down into the water with a splash large enough to send waves of river water over Deidara's toes. "See? Look what happens when you overthink it, yeah."
Kakashi pauses and watches with a bored expression as Shiori helps Daisuke flounder to the shore. Deidara narrows his eyes as he watches. Daisuke has mysteriously gotten worse at swimming.
"Are you wearing armor?" Deidara asks as Daisuke totters back onto the water, now dripping wet. It wasn't obvious with his clothes dry- the armor at least isn't slowing him down on land- but with his shirt wet and clinging to him, Deidara can make out the outline of heavy-duty mesh armoring under his clothes. It's lucky for Daisuke's sake that Shiori brought them waterproofed packaging for their supplies, courtesy of her fancy jounin parents, otherwise his dip into the river would have just made his day a lot worse.
"You told me to figure out a way to stop freaking out of your art," Daisuke mutters. He probably doesn't even know that the Iwa Demolition Corps uniform includes similar armor for exactly the same reason.
Deidara shrugs, because he doesn't care what Daisuke has to do to sleep at night, and Shiori says, "I think it's a good idea."
"Not if he can't swim in Kiri, yeah," Deidara counters, and they start moving again. Kakashi has pulled out his gross book and is seemingly ignoring them, although Deidara is sure he has his own opinions on Daisuke's new fashion choices.
"I've been practising," Daisuke says, pulling his shoulders back in a stretch. He definitely wants to be a tank of a ninja, but unfortunately he's twelve. Twelve year olds just can't be tanks, unless they happen to have genes like the Akimichi.
"Practicing swimming but not waterwalking?" Deidara teases meanly, and Daisuke kicks water at him.
"Jokes on you," Daisuke counters, and he sounds hilariously mean spirited. "I was gonna ask you to go in on a deposit for a two bedroom, but I spent the money Deidara-proofing my stuff."
"Wait," Deidara pauses. Most of his better conversations with Daisuke were definitely about their mutual desire to move into their own apartment, although he wasn't aware Daisuke had thought they were talking about moving in together. "Did you find a place, or-"
Shiori volunteers up a lead on some units her cousins own, and Daisuke is so distracted by demonstrating to Deidara he doesn't know the first thing about finances by explaining his overly optimistic budgeting plans that his waterwalking doesn't falter once.
As Deidara debates the merits of moving in with Daisuke, he suddenly becomes acutely aware of Itachi's eye on his back.
Yeah, he thinks, GET jealous.
xXx
Daisuke and Shiori have never traveled outside of the village, which is unusual for a team of genin ostensibly qualified for the Chunin Exams. They are qualified in that they've done more C-ranks than most new genin teams, but all those missions were Hellpit-adjacent.
"Maa, it can't be helped," Kakashi says when they make camp and he realizes his students are not qualified to take watch by themselves. "Usually we don't have so many internal missions."
"We did have survival training in the Academy, Kakashi-sensei," Shiori pouts. She's got a tube of iodine tablets in one hand and in the other hand, a fat slug she claims could be turned into a mild paralytic if she were to boil enough slugs in their water.
(Itachi very blatantly ignores her offering him an iodine tablet.)
"And you did a lovely job making sure we have clean water," Kakashi answers, eyeing the slug oozing over her fingers. "But Weasel-san and I will keep watch with you."
Deidara is perfectly capable of sleeping with one eye open and keeping watch for himself, but he's not complaining about having a baby shift where he barely has to pay attention because a jounin is doing all the actual work. Honestly, the fact that Sasori never slept and could keep watch while Deidara got a full night of sleep every night was one of the best parts of traveling with him.
(...you know, on the nights where Sasori didn't wake him up at 3AM to get going early because Sasori's patience ran very, very thin. The Kakashi of the other timeline was lucky he'd chosen to chase after Deidara rather than stay with that Sakura girl and fight Sasori, because his mere present would probably cause Sasori to go into a murderous rage.)
The genin split the night three ways, while Kakashi and Itachi split it in two to supervise. Neither Daisuke nor Shiori argue with Deidara when he demands first shift- which everyone knows is the best- possibly because their survival training was not as thorough as Shiori is convinced it was.
As Deidara rolls out his sleeping pad and watches Kakashi awkwardly explain to Daisuke he's placed his too close to the fire- Kakashi looks perplexed this mistake was made at all as he talks- it occurs to Deidara that maybe none of them have thought through taking two unqualified genin into enemy territory very well.
Like, sure, Kakashi was aware that Daisuke and Shiori were unlikely to make it very far in the exam itself and this was almost entirely for Deidara's sake… but maybe when you were a child genius, it doesn't occur to you that maybe your team is unqualified to even make the trip to the Chunin Exams.
Ah, well, Deidara decides as he tugs his hair out of the ponytail it's finally long enough for. Trial by fire is good for kiddie ninjas.
Deidara takes up his position for watch, brushing out his hair as the rest of the team settles down, and Itachi soundlessly sits beside him. Itachi always moves with a deadly silence, but something about the ANBU uniform makes his silent, fluid movements seem extra inhuman.
Deidara ignores him and continues brushing out his hair.
The sun hasn't technically set yet, but it's low enough in the sky that it's blocked out by the trees, except for a few rays of deep orange light peeking around the trunks. The sky above them is a deep purple, and the screams of crickets fills the air.
Not screams, Deidara can practically hear Shiori correcting. The males have ridges on their wings that they rub together. This is different from cicadas, which create noise by expanding and contracting a specialized membrane…
Oh good, now he can hear her in his head.
Without really thinking about it, Deidara signs at Itachi, Do you remember how to tell temperature by counting cricket chirps?
Itachi's mask angles down to stare at his hands. Deidara also stares at his hands, because it's one thing to talk to Itachi when he's literally the only person around and Deidara's horrible roommate and co-conspirator, but it's another thing altogether to make weird smalltalk while they're on a job.
It turns out Itachi is staring at Deidara's hands not because he too is weirded out by Deidara being all friendly with him, but because Deidara has used an Iwa hand sign.
"...cricket chirps?" Itachi asks quietly, signing something that looks absolutely nothing like what Deidara signed. There's a lilt of amusement in his voice that makes Deidara's cheeks go hot.
Shut the fuck up, Deidara signs. Well, no, he hasn't learned how to be quite that rude in Konoha Standard yet, so he just very angrily makes the hand sign for silence and then flips Itachi off.
Insubordination, Itachi signs back. Kakashi made sure Deidara knew that one, although it was unclear to Deidara if that lesson was meant to be serious or just Kakashi teasing.
Itachi then uses the cricket chirp sign way more times than necessary to explain to Deidara how to tell the temperature. They figure out it's approximately 28 degrees celsius, even with the sun down, and then Deidara bemoans it's just going to get hotter as they head towards Kiri.
It might not, Itachi counters. But it will definitely get more humid. Did you bring-?
Deidara does not recognize the sign Itachi makes, but it's definitely got something to do with hair because Itachi gestures at his hair, and because Deidara still has his brush in his lap.
I'm doing you a favor, Deidara signs back. You should be happy I look this good.
He's pretty sure salt water sprays for hair styling are a big thing in Water Country. He wonders if he can get one.
Itachi cuts off his thoughts by signing, You're very cute with your team. Are you really moving in with the boy?
Jealous? Deidara asks. He definitely wants the freedom of his own place, but he's uncertain if Daisuke's presence as a roommate is a dealbreaker or not.
No, Itachi replies, and Deidara is oddly disappointed by this answer. You should do whatever you want.
Deidara wants to light Itachi on fire and then chuck his corpse into an even bigger fire, but he doesn't quite have all the hand signs to convey this. Instead he settles for flipping Itachi off again.
xXx
The biodiversity starts to shift before they reach the Water Country border. The trees get shorter, but their leaves get bigger; the sounds of foreign birds and tree frogs screaming at them fills the air; mosses cover every inch of rock and bark; some weird, branching lichens called Old Man's Beard hang from the tree limbs like wiry bits of white-gold hair.
"Actually, it's an epiphytic plant," Shiori corrects Deidara when he answers Daisuke's question about them. "It's a common misconception. Why? Because it resembles the lichens in northern countries of the same name-"
At the beginning of the waking nightmare that's being on a genin team, Deidara might have been angered by her blunt correction, or less annoyed by her lecturing, but at this point he's used to her. Shiori lectures them on nature facts no one asked for, Daisuke complains endlessly about how being a ninja is hard and his grandma still treats him like a civilian kid, and then the both of them shut up and pay attention when Deidara teaches them about art. It is what Shiori would call commensalism, where one organism (Shiori and Daisuke) benefits from hard work of another organism (Deidara) without giving anything useful back.
Shiori's rambling about whatever epiphytes are segues into babbling about the bugs that live in them, which is accompanied by excited arm waving that shakes a cloud of kikaichu out of her sleeves. They buzz around them happily, and it takes every ounce of Deidara's self-control not to swat at them. None of the native Konoha-nin seem remotely put off or bothered.
"These guys can keep mosquitoes off us, right?" Daisuke says, examining three little black bugs on the back of his hand.
"Yes," Shiori says. "But I feel that, if an insect truly needs your blood, it deserve a chance to-"
"Shiori," Kakashi cuts her off, his voice pained.
Shiori deflates and the annoying cloud of bugs do move to chase off mosquitos, which is a wildly convenient ability. Deidara remembers learning, ages ago in the Iwa Academy, that Konoha always faired better in campaigns in Water Country than everyone else because they somehow had a knack for avoiding all the awful tropical diseases. His sensei always chalked it up to Konoha shinobi being more naturally immune, since parts of Fire Country were also tropical, or maybe just having the advantage of someone like Tsunade. Deidara suddenly wonders if the key is just having a teammate who can keep disease vectors off of you.
Itachi has started insisting rather blatantly that Deidara take night watch shifts with him, which Deidara is both deeply annoyed by and also revealed by, because Itachi will answer Deidara's weird questions about Konoha history where Kakashi will just make vague non-answers. Kakashi doesn't complain about this arrangement at all, and at one point cooed something about his cute kouhai making friends.
"Do you two know each other?" Daisuke whispers over breakfast one morning, eyes darting to where Itachi has taken up silent guard in the bows of a tree.
"Uh," Deidara says.
"You must," Shiori cuts in. "He wouldn't talk to me about crickets at all."
"Hold on," Deidara starts.
"My adorable kouhai," Kakashi interrupts, pointing lazily above him at Itachi's perch, "happens to be an Uchiha. Daisuke, I have several questions about this trap you made. For example, was it actually supposed to work?"
Kakashi holds up a mess of ninja wire, his one exposed eyebrow raised, and both Shiori and Daisuke are distracted enough the matter gets dropped entirely. They both know Deidara is staying in the Uchiha compound, although Deidara has no idea what they think his life story in Konoha is.
Twelve year olds, mostly, are either way too good at asking questions, or just accept things at face value that they absolutely shouldn't. Deidara is mysteriously way better and more experienced than both of them at everything, and he's also buddies with the weird ANBU that's traveling with them, and that's that.
Travel continues as normal, and the only exciting thing that happens is watching Kakashi's face while Shiori happily picks venomous creepy-crawls off of trees and out of bushes and stores them in her coat. Daisuke tries swimming in his armor a few more times while they take breaks, and Deidara chucks clay creations at him to "help prepare" for the Chunin Exam. Daisuke swallows a lot of water yelling at him. Deidara hides some tiny clay kikaichu in Shiori's swarm and gets the Insubordination sign from Kakashi twice when he lands them on Itachi.
It's not the most boring trip Deidara has ever taken, but he's limited to artistic pieces he can mold and carry in his hands and he can't even set most of them off, and so by the time they're less than a day from Kiri, he's feeling restless.
Then, finally, something happens. Kakashi pauses seemingly randomly and says, "Weasel, I smell something odd."
Deidara's eyes dart around the jungle's foliage, and he strains his hearing even as Shiori- inexperienced little idiot that she is- asks Kakashi what exactly he means.
Kakashi tells her to be quiet and unsubtly moves so that she and Daisuke are boxed in between him and Itachi. Kakashi does not bother to cover Deidara, because even if he thinks he's an immature literal twelve year old, Kakashi has fought Deidara. He knows Deidara can take care of himself in combat.
There's an unnatural rustling in the leaves and Deidara spits a clay bat out of each hand. Then a body falls out of the tree, followed by five more, one at a time. Thud, thud, thud.
"Are you kidding me?" Deidara barks over his shoulder at Itachi. "Genjutsu? Again?"
"It's the most efficient way to end a fight," Itachi says.
Kakashi relaxes, but only slightly. "Deidara," he calls, "watch your teammates."
Deidara makes a big show of crossing his arms and pouting as Kakashi and Itachi go trudging off to check out the poor idiots Itachi took out, but he does move between his teammates and foreign ninja. The bats flutter around them. Deidara hopes he gets to use them.
Neither Shiori or Daisuke seem freaked out. Itachi has finished the potential ambush so quickly neither has processed they were in any danger at all.
"Genjutsu…?" Shiori asks. "He knocked them out with an illusion?"
"I thought those were only for, like," Daisuke says, furrowing his brow as he watches Itachi and Kakashi walk cautiously between the fallen bodies, "covering up traps and making people's aim bad and stuff."
This is what genjutsu is normally used for, yes. Itachi just happens to be able to scramble a brain so good it makes you lose consciousness, apparently.
"The Uchiha are really good at using it aggressively," Deidara says vaguely. They take his word for it.
Deidara is pretty sure no one else comes close to being able to do that with genjutsu, except maybe apparently Tobi-slash-Madara. He sort of wants to see if he can give his teammates nightmares by explaining this to them, but he decides to wait until after he's a chunin to terrorize them. It's better for his exam if they're not afraid of even their own guard, after all.
It turns out that two of the fallen bodies are Kiri jounin, and the other four are a cell of defected freedom fighters they'd been tracking. Kakashi has a very tense conversation with the jounin and has to present the Chunin Exam paperwork before everyone relaxes.
"Thanks for nothing," Jounin #1 grumbles while Itachi helps Jounin #2 restrain the freedom fighters. "We were trying to follow them back to their camp."
"This close to your village?" Kakashi asks coolly. "I was promised my cute genin were safe from your war."
"And they would have been," Jounin #1 says, rounding on Kakashi, "if you hadn't interfered."
The bats, fluttering around the genin, flap their wings harder as Deidara gears himself up for a fight. He wants this over-aggressive jounin to fight Kakashi so he can hop in. It would make his day.
"Could you not?" Daisuke mutters to him, elbowing him in the ribs.
Deidara regrets the teamwork drills. He liked it better when Daisuke was afraid of him.
"Let it go, Chosuke," Jounin #2 calls. "You would've done the same thing in enemy territory."
"Maa, I would hardly call us enemies," Kakashi answers, and Jounin Chosuke swears at his partner but then offers to escort them back to Kiri.
"You should help us move them, since you stuck your nose in and ruined everything," Jounin Chosuke sneers. His partner sighs deeply but doesn't object when Itachi pulls one of the unconscious freedom fighters into a rescue carry. The two Kiri jounin and Kakashi follow suit.
"Hey, so," Jounin Chosuke says to Itachi when they finally start walking again. "What the hell kind of a technique was that?"
"It was a simple genjutsu," Itachi replies like it's so obvious the jounin should be embarrassed to ask. The man twitches and scowls.
Deidara is definitely going to eventually murder Itachi for talking to him like that, but… yeah, he'll admit that it's hilarious when Itachi talks to other people like they're stupid little children. Especially when they're jounin from other villages high on their own aggressive pride.
God, he hopes this Chosuke guy tries to take a swing at Itachi. The outcome would be extremely embarrassing for him and very entertaining for Deidara.
Shiori and Daisuke have been silent, and Shiori is chewing on her lip in an obvious sign of nerves. Deidara doesn't really see what the big deal is- neither of the jounin have given them more than a glance.
"I'm concerned about how we will be received in-village," Shiori admits when she notices Deidara staring. "Why? The Chunin Exams are meant to foster positive inter-village rapport."
"Foster positive inter-village rapport," Jounin Chosuke mocks, as Shiori did not pitch her voice low enough not to be overheard. "What are you, little genin, a fucking scholar?"
Shiori's shoulders slump slightly, and Deidara thinks, Eh, I've already made the bats. What the hell?
Daisuke yelps and cuts the clay bats down right out of the air before they get very far. He's lucky that Deidara has yet to figure out how to make a flying clay bat fast, and also that Deidara hadn't packed them with enough chakra to blow off Daisuke's arms when they exploded. Daisuke has been around Deidara long enough that he angles himself away and stays on his feet in face of Deidara's art, and only the sleeves of his outer shirt take any real damage.
"Was that an attack?" Unnamed Jounin #2 asks, sounding more offended by the small explosions than concerned. He thinks Deidara is just a dumb genin, so why would he take an attack seriously?
Deidara will show him why he should take Deidara seriously-
"Oh, right," Kakashi says, turning casually. "Deidara, no. Bad genin. Daisuke, nice save."
"Hey," continues Unnamed Jounin #2, squinting down at Deidara, "you sort of remind me of…"
Itachi is immediately at Deidara's elbow, and Jounin #2 trails off without finishing his thought. His partner doesn't seem to notice, and no one on Team Kakashi reacts.
Itachi literally reaches forward and yanks Deidara's ponytail. Deidara drives his elbow into Itachi's stomach, but the ANBU armor absorbs enough impact that it hurts Deidara more than it does Itachi.
Before Deidara can launch another attack, Shiori turns around very purposefully and asks: "Do you want to see my spider collection?"
She then holds up a fat golden spider that Deidara is pretty sure she gushed over having hallucinogenic venom that causes "waking nightmares." Having it waved under his nose makes Deidara completely forget about pounding Itachi into the ground, and also both the Kiri jounin are suddenly very interested in giving them a wide berth.
Shiori carefully tucks the spider back into her coat. Deidara wishes he could see Itachi's face, because what the fuck, Shiori.
Their group doesn't worry about being covert, stomping through the Water Country jungle. Kakashi is more on-edge, carrying a freedom fighter over his shoulders through enemy territory, although he chats with the Kiri jounin in his usually lazy voice. Itachi doesn't outwardly seem any more tense than normal, and Deidara isn't sure if this is because he's difficult to read or because Itachi is just always hypervigilant.
Kiri doesn't have a proper road to it like Konoha does, instead nestled directly in the heart of the jungle like it had grown there along with the trees. They see the gate first, looming over the trees, followed by walls. In this aspect Kiri isn't so different from Konoha, although these walls are more moss-covered stone than wood. There are symbols carved into the stone which, if Deidara remembers his Academy lessons correctly, are old Uzumaki fuuinjutsu meant to prevent you from just hopping from a tree over the wall, from generations back when making a ninja village was meant to be a sign of peace and before Whirlpool cut ties with Water Country.
Unlike Konoha, which is currently at peace, the gates to Kiri are closed. A single ninja is leaning against them lazily, a giant sword strapped to him back.
"Yo," he greets when they come into view. "Chosuke, what the fuck?"
"Got demoted to guard duty, Zabuza?" Chosuke sneers back. Unnamed Jounin #2 rolls his eyes.
"You wish," Zabuza answers. "I'm just here to check in foreign dipshits for the Chunin Exams. You're gonna have to go to Emiko with… whatever this is."
He eyes and freedom fighter over Chosuke's shoulders like it's particularly funny. Deidara has heard of Momochi Zabuza, one of several of the Seven Swordsmen who will go missing-nin in the fallout of Kiri's ongoing internal drama. Deidara has to say, he was not expecting cow-print pants.
Kakashi steps forward, Chunin Exam papers in hand. "Hello," he greets. "We're some of the foreign dipshits. Where do you want your missing-nin?"
Kakashi and Itachi drop their respective unconscious freedom fighters at the feet of the two jounin, who ignore them in favor of arguing with each other, and Zazuba bangs on the door and yells something rude.
Deidara has no idea how Kisame even learned the polite form, growing up in this village. As the gates creak open, he's tempted to tell this joke to Itachi, but he thinks doing so in front of the rest of his team would be bad for their cover.
Then he wants to punch himself in the face for even having the desire to tell Itachi a joke.
"Welcome, foreign dipshits," Zabuza drawls, gesturing vaguely behind him, "to the Village Hidden in the Mist."
Even Kakashi looks interested. It's not everyday you get to wander around a foreign shinobi village. Zabuza smirks at him, even though Deidara is confident the jackass would be just as interested to snoop around Konoha.
Zabuza sticks both hands into his pockets and leads them inside, giving them a spiel about the rules of their stay in Kiri in a bored tone. They can't travel outside of their designated area, they have to listen to all orders from Exam personnel, no fighting except in organized spars and training, blah blah blah.
The other two genin are obviously barely paying attention, craning their necks to look around. Deidara is also barely paying attention.
Deidara has never been inside Kirigakure itself, but aside from the ninja leaping around, it's not that different from any other town in Water Country. It's a mix of blocky continental-style apartment buildings and traditional Water Country houses, with steeply sloping roofs that turn up at the edges. There's a lot more stone than in Konoha, and it would remind Deidara of Iwa if everything wasn't half-covered by moss. The village is criss-crossed by stone-lined canals and bridges, with the occasional canoe passing by. Deidara wonders if Kiri has floating markets on boats like the Water Country capital.
Unlike Konoha, Kiri has not attempted to tame its local flora. The streets are uneven from banyan roots displacing the cobblestones, and at one point the road they're following does a ridiculous curve around a banyan tree growing right in the center. Vines and mosses crawl up building walls, and almost every flat-topped building seems to have a rooftop garden, bright and green and soaking up the stupid humidity.
"Your village is very beautiful," Shiori says to Zabuza. He grunts and doesn't otherwise acknowledge her.
They don't go very far into the village, which Deidara finds disappointing because he likes Water Country architecture and he can see several exciting buildings in the distance, painted in bright reds and blues and golds. Instead they sort of skirt around the perimeter of the village- where he's sure the Konoha jounin captain and the Konoha ANBU can't pick up any major village secrets- to a decidedly unartistic cluster of buildings. They're all square and gray and made of cinderblocks, and Deidara is pretty sure it's supposed to be some sort of detention facility. There are barely any windows, and the ones that are there are barred.
"So how many foreign dipshits have you guided in?" Kakashi asks casually as Zabuza slouches up to the closest building. A faded letter A is painted over the door.
Zabuza eyes Kakashi for a moment, debating his answer. "We only got seven foreign teams registered this cycle," Zabuza says after a beat. "Speaking of which, three haven't shown up yet, so I'm headed back to the gates."
Deidara has no idea if seven foreign teams is a lot or a few or just average compared to other Exams, but he's aware of Itachi shifting slightly behind him in reaction to these stats.
Zabuza doesn't take off immediately, because a redheaded woman kicks open the door of the detention complex, cackling as she emerges. Her headband and filed teeth mark her as a Kiri kunoichi. The weird shaped swords at her sides mark her as one of the Seven Swordsmen.
"Ameyuri," Zabuza greets. "Here to give children nightmares?"
"Fuck off," she replies, grinning even as she flips him off. "My little apprentice is taking the exams." Her eyes slide over to the three genin, and she spends an extra second longer than necessary eyeing Daisuke's swords. "Better hope you don't run into her, little genin."
Daisuke fidgets. Someone else sticks their head out the door and barks for the Konoha team to come in already.
"I don't have to stay with them," Ameyuri is telling Zabuza in response to a question Deidara didn't hear, "because I'm important."
Inside, a frazzled looking kunoichi examines their paperwork yet again and checks them off a list. She gives them the run-down on their lodging at a mumble directed at her clipboard that Deidara can barely make out: they aren't allowed in other buildings unless directed, but the complex has some outdoor facilities they can use for training, and there's a mess hall where meals will be provided.
"The first portion of this exam is tomorrow morning in Building C. Be there at 7 AM sharp." She pauses, finally actually looking at the genin. "Rest up."
The kunoichi leads them down a hall of doors which all have tiny barred windows with cardboard taped over them for privacy, and the outlines of recently removed deadbolts on the outside, confirming Deidara's theory this place was originally a prison. The room is likely designed for more than single person occupancy, but it's clearly too cramped for five people. It contains a sink and five bamboo cots all pushed together, mere centimeters apart.
Once the kunoichi is gone, Daisuke comments, "I can't believe we've already run into two Swordsmen."
He sounds like a mixture between excited and sick to his stomach.
"Don't be impressed," Itachi says. "It's not a good thing to meet one."
"My kouhai is so cruel," Kakashi says with a dramatic sigh, and slaps a map of the complex the kunoichi gave him into Itachi's chest. "Why don't you go make sure the mess hall isn't booby trapped?"
Itachi flickers out of existence without taking the map, which flutters to the floor in his wake. Shiori blinsk at it a few times, then sits on one of the cots and says, "He's not very friendly, is he?"
"He really isn't, yeah," Deidara agrees, but instead of listing all of Itachi's horrible qualities like Deidara wants, Shiori turns to Daisuke and comments that she's surprised he hadn't tried to talk to either Zabuza or Ameyuri.
An incredibly stressed look passes over poor Daisuke's fanboy face. "I don't think they'd… want to talk to me," he says.
"My personal recommendation," Kakashi says, dropping his travel pack on the cot at the end of the line closest to the door, "is not to talk to any foreign ninja that could chop off your head before you blink."
Daisuke pales.
"But you could talk to this apprentice," Kakashi continues conversationally. "Foster some positive inter-village rapport."
"Sensei," Shiori whines at his obvious dig against her.
Ten minutes later, Itachi reappears and gives them the clear to head down for dinner. The only other team currently in the mess hall is three genin and two jounin from Suna, and they resolutely ignore them.
Their meal, picked up from wary-eyed civilian workers, contains a lot of fresh fruits Deidara hasn't had since he time-traveled because they're either very expensive or don't exist outside of Water Country. These are very exciting for Shiori and Daisuke, and Deidara is sure they're absolutely mind-blowing for the Suna genin. Sasori was disdainful of all food, but Deidara is certain that just one taste of mango would have made Sasori nicer and more bearable as a human, just from mango's sheer goodness.
Deidara doesn't bother with much information gathering on the Suna team. He might, if they were potential threats and not genin, but he doesn't recognize the jounin as anyone important, and there's no way any genin are a challenge to Deidara. He's sure they're eavesdropping on them, and so when Shiori starts to talk about what spider venoms she's gathered, he distracts her with a question about raising silkworms. Kakashi raises his eyebrow at him knowingly, and Deidara rolls his eyes at him.
After dinner, Deidara showers in the "dorm's" shared bathrooms, and when he steps out of the stall Itachi is waiting for him.
"I've secured the area," Itachi says, "so we can talk-"
"Couldn't you have waited until I had clothes on, yeah?" Deidara yells back.
Itachi politely turns around while Deidara drops his towel and pulls a fresh pair of clothes on.
"As I was saying," Itachi continues, "I checked the registration records. There are no Iwa teams, which is lucky for you."
"Uh huh," Deidara says, tugging a shirt over his head.
"You absolutely must make it to the third portion of the exam with your team," Itachi replies.
"I was planning on it, yeah," Deidara gripes. He slouches over to one of the sinks, dropping his toiletry bag on the rim.
"With your team," Itachi emphasizes, turning back around. "There's always a break between the second and third parts, and I need them around to distract Kakashi while I look into something."
Deidara squirts toothpaste onto his toothbrush and gives Itachi a critical look. "And what are you investigating?" he asks.
"Madara might be in the village," Itachi says, and Deidara feels himself tense slightly.
"Why the hell didn't you say anything earlier?" Deidara demands.
He's not… nervous about Tobi-slash-Madara being in the area, per se. He knows Madara is a scary dude who freaks Itachi out, but when he imagines him he just sees, well, Tobi. If Deidara ever comes face-to-face with him, even if Madara has no idea who he is, he's not sure how he'll react. The idea makes him angry and upset.
"It's better if he's here, actually," Itachi continues, ignoring Deidara's question. "That means he's away from Sasuke."
Deidara opens his mouth to ask a question, but he can't quite articulate it. The old Itachi, the one from the other timeline, never seemed to give two shits about Sasuke or anyone else, and now Deidara is baffled by this, because this Itachi would completely lose his mind if anything happened to Sasuke.
Is that why he acted like he didn't care before? To keep people from using Sasuke against him? To keep Sasuke safe? Except clearly that hadn't worked, because in the other timeline Sasuke ran off with Orochimaru.
Is this what Itachi was trying to fix? Is that why he'd decided not to murder his family this time around and just genjutsu-coma the ones he didn't like?
Why the fuck did he need Deidara for any of this?
That's too many questions to ask all at once, and so Deidara just kind of grunts. Itachi steps forward, suddenly very interested in his toothbrush.
"Are you going to brush the teeth in your hands too?" Itachi asks.
"Oh my god, fuck off," Deidara answers, turning back to the sink to continue his evening hygiene routine.
Itachi watches. Deidara has no idea what's so interesting, but a little part of him is pleased with having Itachi's undivided attention. He'd rather have it for his art, which is the most important part of Deidara and what Itachi should actually be so impressed with he forgets everything else, but… well. Small victories and all that.
He takes extra long to brush the teeth in his hands, just for Itachi.
xXx
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Me: Deidara's relationship with his teammates is a mutualism because he benefits from them socializing him and teaching him about Konoha and they benefit from-
Me:
Me: Actually Deidara definitely thinks of himself as helping his teammates and his teammates as deadweight. He thinks it's commensalism.
Hey, long time no see! I've been kind of burnt out on writing lately, BUT I already have a good chunk of the Chunin Exam already written so hopefully the next chapter will be out faster than this one, LOL. Thank you for your patience.