Now and then again

Disclaimer: Glee belongs to FOX studios and its creators. All I own is Aria and the plot. The song used in this chapter is sung by Cynthia Erivo and it is called 'Fly Before You Fall' off the soundtrack of Beyond The Lights.

She lied under the covers her arms wrapped around her waist staring into nothingness, her cheeks wet from crying. Today was one of those painful days when his memories would resurface from the dark deep corners of her mind resurrecting the feelings she tried keeping buried. His ghost was haunting her again and it was breaking down all her walls of pride she built to project the image of being fine to the world.

He still had a power over her even though she has not seen or heard of him for nearly two months. She still loved him. As much as she hated him she still loved him. She loved him with every piece of her being; she loved him with every breath she took. He consumed every part of her. At times she could smell his cologne tattooed on her skin. She could feel the electric pulses his touch left in its wake shooting through her bones. She could still taste his breath on her lips. She could still feel his whispers of 'I love you's' against her neck.

She moved her gaze from the wall to the hand on her expanding small three month old bump with trembling hands. It was an out of body experience touching it; it felt out of place. Mercedes hated herself for feeling like this. She hated herself for not wanting the child…for not wanting his child. But she was stuck with him or her; as she said before abortion was not for her and her parents would rather raise the child themselves than let her give him or her up for adoption. She could only pray to God for forgiveness. This was a living human being inside her and she did not want the child because it was a part of him too. She did not want the child because it would just remind her more and more of him and she was not sure if she could look at the child without seeing him and dying inside.

"Mercedes?"

She looked up at her through her wet thick eyelashes to find her mother standing at her now open door. She quickly wiped away tears in embarrassment.

The woman gave a sad sigh walking over towards her, closing the bedroom door behind her. She slipped in next to her daughter under the covers and wrapped her arms around the shorter woman.

"It's okay to cry, Mercedes. You refuse to admit that you still miss him but baby It's okay to cry, it does not make you weak."She whispered into her hair. She gently rock her back and fro. She felt Mercedes clung onto her shirt, her body shaking as she sobbed against her collarbone.

The woman closed her eyes at the painful sobs coming from her baby girl. She hummed the intro of the song she knew by heart after listening to her daughter play it on repeat these past few weeks before singing it:

"I see the way you look when you hear his name

I see his picture up in your frame

And you refuse to admit you still miss him but it's okay

You're a tower of strength when you're breaking down

But through the wall I can feel your cry

And when it's quiet you're screaming inside

And I break as I hear you

Loud as a bomb

Wanting a shoulder to cry on

I hear you

Tumbling fast

Here and now, you're afraid

Don't you worry

I'll teach you to fly before you fall away.

It's in the moments when your left all on your own

And it hits you from out of nowhere

You try to hide it sometimes unsuccessfully

With a smile that fades quickly

Your resistance to sadness is futile but

You're a fighter, can't stand defeat

You're a magician at hiding the hurt from you

But I see and I hear you

Loud as a bomb

Wanting a shoulder to cry on…"

"It hurts, Mom. It hurts so much," Mercedes hoarsely sobbed cringing into herself as another painful wave hit her.

"I know my baby," her mother whispered kissing her scalp.

"I can't, Mom. I can't have this child. I don't want it. I don't want it."Mercedes cried. The truth sounded just as dreadful aloud as it did in her mind.

"Sometimes the things we want the least become our biggest blessings-"

"No, Mom," Mercedes interrupted looking up at the woman in whom arms she was nestled. "I-I don't want it, Mom. I can't."

The woman wiped away the tears staining her daughter's cheeks before sighing.

"You know that I was raised in a very religious house, right?"

Mercedes nodded. Her grandparents were strict Christians who followed the rules of the Bible. Mercedes upbringing was different than that of her mother, her parents were strict at times but they never forced their convictions down her throat as her Grandparents were sometimes fond of doing. Unlike some denominations of the Christian faith she believed that only through accepting Christ as the Son of God who died as a sacrifice for the sins of the world can one receive salvation. Raised in an Evangelical Christian household she was taught that it's God's grace that saves not rules of the Bible. She respected the rules of the Bible and she used them as her moral compas but she did not believe that they were her salvation. Her grandparents, though, did and they forced these rules down her mother and aunts and uncles throats.

"Well, there was this time after high school in college when I rebelled. I drank, smoke and even did a few drugs. I'm not proud of it." Her mother said. "I also had sex…a lot and I got pregnant with the twins-"

"Wait, Mom are you telling me-"

"Yes, I am. Your brothers are not your father's children. I told them when they turned 18."Her mother explained. "I had no idea what to do, Mercedes. I was this close to getting an abortion. I was on my way to the doctor's office when I saw this flyer on a building wall which caught my attention. It was a flyer of your Granddaddy's church. I went that Sunday for the first time in two years and I met your dad who was in college at the time studying theology. I fell in love, Mercedes." She said with a small smile. "But after a few months I could not hide the fact that I was expectant and I had no idea who the father was. I thought he was going to leave me but I thought of promising him that I would give the children up for adoption so we could start a new life together. But rather than leaving me he asked me to marry him a few months later and he accepted them as his own." The woman said her eyes burning with unshed tears. "I look at them, Mercedes, I look at them and your beautiful nephews and nieces. I look at Alexia, Mathew and Kevin; I look at Asia and McKenzie and I thank God that I saw that poster. I thank God that I met your father. I thank God that I did not get an abortion or gave them up because they were one of the biggest blessings in my life."

Mercedes thought about life without her older siblings. Yes at times they were annoying know it alls but she loved them. She could not imagine a life without her big brothers protecting her, bullying her, annoying her.

"I know this is not ideal, Mercedes. But I can promise you that child will always be a part of you. I can promise you that parenthood is hard work but it's so rewarding. Seeing your children grow and smile at you and filled with so much joy…it's so beautiful and rewarding. It's a love that can't be described. It's love in its purest form." Her mother kissed her cheeks before sliding off the bed. "But I can't tell you what to do. That's your choice."

She left Mercedes to think about the words on her own.

Mercedes wrapped her arms around her round belly as if to hug it.

"I'm bad a person," she sighed. "I mean it's not your fault you're here. And it's not totally S-S-" she felt a painful lump in her throat, her tongue refusing to form the syllables in his name. She took a deep breath. "-It's not solely 'he who shall not be named' fault that you are here either. I mean it does take two to tango, don't it?"She asked with a deprecating laugh before sighing as she wiped away her tears. "It's unfair of me to keep his sins against you. You deserve love. I'm going to try to love you. I am going to try because you are just as much a part of me then you are of him."

She rubbed her stomach.

"We'll be okay kid. You and I are gonna be okay."

The two figures in the back of the room were the only customers left in the café. They religiously visited the bistro off campus every Friday afternoon until closing time at eight. Their Fridays were something sacred; a time when they would share stories of the passing week and just bask in each other's presence.

Sam watched her as she skimmed over the magazine resting on the table in front of her. She rested her cheek against her palm biting her lips. Her brown skin bathed in the soft yellow light, had an unearthly glow. In that moment Sam realized how beautiful she was. Yes, the words seemed mean but it was the truth.

He first thought she was cute; she was not the like the girls he usually went for but that did not mean he was a blind man that could not appreciate beauty in its different forms. After he got to know her more 'cute' progressed to 'pretty'. But now Sam realized how beautiful she was: her beauty was not just a physical trait it shone from the inside out. She was a beautiful person; she had a light shinning within her calling out to him.

"You know I can feel your eyes on me you creep." She kept her gaze focused on the words of the page. "I can't blame you. Have you seen me? How can you not want some of this?" She joked.

Unbeknownst to her Sam thought exactly the same thing.

How could he have been so blind not to see what was in front of him? How could he not want her?

She was a gorgeous woman: Sam could not help but appreciate her physical form. All the women he had ever dated were mostly the same; long legs and tanned skin with blonde hair. Mercedes was a contrast in every way; she was short and curvaceous. She was no supermodel like Britney (his ex girlfriend) and Quinn but she looked warm and inviting…she was warm and inviting. Sam loved hugging her; her short body pressed against his, her warm soft apple scent inviting him in. He loved resting his chin on her head and taking a whiff of her hair; each strand infused with the lingering scent of cinnamon.

He gave her a grin before taking a deep breath. The strong aroma of fresh coffee beans engulfed his senses. He took a sip of his cappuccino as she closed the book and crossed her legs under the table gently grazing her leg against his jeans. Warmth shot up her legs followed with flashes lightening coursing through the veins of her legs.

Sam, rather than pulling away, rubs his leg against hers. Touching her was as natural as breathing to him. Their bodies were charged with negative and positive energies pulling them to one another like magnets. Both were powerless to the forces of their bodies and souls wanting to soak in the other's presence. Every piece of Sam just fit perfectly. She was in too deep.

Mercedes swallowed the lump in her throat looking into his eyes. In his gaze she saw the kaleidoscope of emotions she was also experiencing; adoration, fear, desire and guilt. He had a girlfriend. He had a beautiful girlfriend. It made her feel terrible. The fact that she wanted more than friendship with a man who was already in a relationship made her feel terrible. But she could not stay away from him…she did not want to. But this could not go on any longer; she did not want to be the other woman anymore. She decided to bite the bullet and go against the desire of her heart.

"Sam-"

"Hey guys, sorry to interrupt-" the young waitress said interrupting her. "-but it is closing time and I gotta kick you out." Dani said.

Mercedes gave her a small smile.

"Thanks, Dani," Sam said fishing in his jeans for his wallet. He gave her a fifty dollar bill and told her to keep the change and wishing her a goodnight.

Mercedes sighed grabbing her magazine off the table whishing the young waitress a goodnight before following after Sam avoiding the chairs and tables creating a maze through the establishment. Sam opened the glass door for her holding it open with his bag pressed against it. She slid past him, her body absorbing some of his heat causing a jolt through the four chambers of her heart.

She tightened her flimsy grey sweater around her trying to preserve the little heat she had left in her body from the chilly night wind. Sam slid out of his Nike sweatshirt and placed it around her shoulders without a word. Mercedes shivered but not from the cold. His strong musky scent engulfed her senses causing tingles through her body.

"You want to catch a movie? The Avengers 3 opened last week."

Mercedes looked at him. The soft moonlight soaked his skin in its white radiance providing him a ghostly glow. Her heart skipped a beat overwhelmed by the beauty standing in front of her.

"Sam, what are we?" She asked point blank.

"We're friends, silly." Sam said with a small ignorant chuckle. His eyes, though, told that he knew what she was talking about.

Mercedes rolled her eyes staring into his eyes telling him silently that those words were pure nonsense.

"We both know we are more than that, Sam," Mercedes said before biting her lip.

She could not take it anymore; she could not play with her heart like this anymore. It was slowly breaking knowing that it could not have him fully. She could not look at herself in the mirror knowing that even though she and Sam were not physically doing anything but they were still cheating. They were emotionally dependent on each other. They missed one another when they were not together. Their bodies and souls were slaves to the chemistry surrounding them.

"I want you, Sam." Mercedes said honestly. "I want to be with you. But I can't take this anymore. My heart can't take this."

"I want you too," he whispered taking a step towards her.

She took a step back knowing that if he touched she would fall into his arms and forget all her morals.

"You have a girlfriend," she whispered staring at her feet. The truth tasted bitter on her lips.

"I think I'm falling in love with you," he said ignoring the undesirable truth keeping them from one another. "You're making it easy to fall in love you, Mercedes."

"You have a girlfriend." The words left her lips like a hopeless sob soaking her being with guilt. She was in love with another woman's man. She was the other woman. Sam was emotionally cheating on Quinn with her.

Mercedes was a firm believer in the words of the Bible 'for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap'. Her motto in live was: 'Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.'

"I have to go, Sam." She said with a sigh as a wave of exhaustion crashed over her. This thing was emotionally draining. "These stolen moments between us will never be enough for me, Sam. I'm sick of hiding what I feel in the inside from the outside world. Maybe this is just something hopeless." She said with a humourless self-deprecating laugh shrugging her shoulder. "I can't live like this anymore."

"Mercedes."

She shrugged out of his shirt and gave it back to him with her heart on its sleeves. She turned on her heels, shielding her silent tears from him. She walked away from him suffocating on his lingering scent on her clothes and skin. She wrapped her arms around herself trying to keep herself from crumbling as a cyclone of emotions threatened to drown her. She heard him call after her but she refused to turn around and put herself through more of this addicting pain in Sam's presence. This love would tear her apart. She walked into the darkness praying that Sam would make decision and as selfish as it sounds; she hoped he would choose her.

Sam *looks at knitted onesie*: That is one ugly thing.

Mercedes *offended*: Your face is ugly

Sam raises a brow: Hurtful *rolls eyes* You're the one who married this face. *Looks at the blue thing she knitted* But that thing is ugly, Mercedes.

Mercedes *pouts*: I spend two days on this things.

Sam: Two days of your life wasted-

*Mercedes bumps Sam shoulder interrupting him as Aria walks into the room and sits on Sam's lap*

Aria *looks at onesie*: What is that?

Mercedes: It's for your baby brother.

Aria: That's not very pretty.

*Sam snorts trying to swallow a laugh*

*Mercedes glares at Sam as he shrugs*

Sam: Told you that thing is ugly. Leave knitting to the professionals, babe."

Mercedes: Whatever, I've been knitting for years.

Sam: Well, you need a few more years of practice.

Mercedes *gives Sam an annoyed look*: I really don't like you.

Aria: I like you daddy… I love you.

Sam *smiles before kissing her cheek*: Thank you my little princess. Daddy loves you too.

Mercedes *rolls eyes standing up from the couch*: This thing is a work of art. You just can't appreciate it with your untrained eyes.

Sam *watches Mercedes walk away with the onsie clutched in her hands. Whispers in Aria's ears*: That thing is super ugly, right?

Aria *giggles and nods*: I think mommy is angry.

Sam: I know. Let's go give Mommy a kissy attack.

*Aria nods as Sam picks her up following after Mercedes. He walks into the room to find Mercedes pouting on the bed*

Aria: Kissy attack!

*Sam and Aria jumps on the bed pressing kisses all over a laughing Mercedes*

Sam *after getting off her*: Are we forgiven now?

Mercedes: No, that thing is a work of art.

Sam *looks at Aria*: Let's give mommy another kissy attack

*Both attacked her with kisses yet again*

Sam: Are we forgiven now?

*Aria stares at her with wide eyes*

Mercedes *sighed with a pout*: I really worked hard on that thing.

Sam: I know, babe, but that does not change the fact that the thing is ugly.

*Mercedes rolls eyes*

Author's Note: I was away on a short beach vacation with two of my friends since Friday and only returned home to my PC yesterday so I didn't have time to write. I really wanted to give you guys an update so I slapped this together this morning.

I know most of you were looking forward to the lunch scene between Mercedes' family and Sam in this chapter; I'm sorry to disappoint but I promise it will be in the next chapter.

Anyhow, I really hope you enjoyed the two flashbacks in this chapter. Your thoughts?