"A New Morning Sun" (Rose)
"Well, then," Merlin breaks his moment of silence, smiling all the while, "Shall we?" He extends his arm out to me.
"We shall," I slip my arm through his, and we head for the front door of Gaius' chambers.
Merlin pulls the door open and we walk into a corridor and down a flight of stairs to a red wooden door with windows. When we step out of the door, the light of the sun strikes my face like a horses kick. I close my eyes, and then proceed to squint instinctively. I raise my left hand up and hold it above my brow, blocking the sun. We proceed down more steps and into a great cobblestone courtyard in front of what the castle of Camelot. My breath stolen from me, I utter as I look all around me, "This is incredible. What a beautiful palace!"
"It is nice to look at- not so nice to work in," Merlin makes a face.
"Is Arthur really that bad?"
"Kind of," he tilts his head from side to side, "But whatever he is, his father is far worse."
I laugh, partially scoffing, "So I have seen."
He purses his lips, "Let's move on." I think he feels bad for evoking negative feelings in me, even if it isn't his fault in the first place. It's not like he asked Uther to strip away my very world.
He guides me gently to a stable nearby. "Oh," I say excitedly out of reflex.
I've peaked Merlin's curiosity, "What is it?"
I feel a bit shy at being so girlish, "I just, love horses."
"Really?" Merlin smiles, "Do you or did you ever have one?"
"No," I admit sadly, "I have always wanted one, but because we were stationary and didn't travel much, there was no need for one. Standing around all the time wouldn't be much of a life for a horse. Because of my lifestyle, I wouldn't be a very suitable owner."
"I suppose not," he says thoughtfully, "But things have changed. So, maybe you can have one someday."
"I hope so. That would be a help to my constitution."
We enter the stables and the smell of horse (oats, dirty hay, manure, and their natural odor, which actually isn't so bad) permeates the air. I don't mind it. The way I see things is, the companionship and loyalty of a horse is well worth any stink they can conjure.
"This is my horse," Merlin pats a brown steed. It's black mane and tail hang proudly.
"A magnificent animal," I creep into the stall and stroke its neck. It nickers and tries to nuzzle me, "Hold your own," I laugh, "Wait a minute." Merlin laughs lightly and proceeds to put on the saddle and tighten the girth and the rest of it. He then unties the horse.
"C'mon," he guides it gently backward, out of the stall. I walk along side it, still petting its warm nose. He leads the both of us back out into the fresh morning air. I watch his tenderness with the large beast and I smile softly. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat an animal. He has such an apparent heart of gold and innocence about him. How one can have so much responsibility and maintain a childlike spirit is beyond my comprehension. "Are you ready?" Merlin asks as he sticks a foot in the stirrup and shoots his other leg up and over the saddle.
I look happily up at him, "More than ever." He extends his hand down to me and I grasp his upper forearm and hoist myself up. I feel a little awkward up behind him, at first. I am unaware if he is comfortable with this arrangement.
"You can go ahead and hold on to me, I don't usually bite," he jokes.
"And that's supposed to provoke security in my actions?" I question sarcastically.
He laughs, "As a matter of fact, yes." I slip my arms around his waist, careful not to clutch him too tight for my own personal reasons. He clicks his tongue and the horse begins a slow, steady walk. I instantly release any tension from my body. I feel completely at ease on top of a horse, maybe, sometimes too at ease. Merlin must sense this, "Have you ever been on a horse before?"
"Oh, yes," I smile in remembrance, "A few times."
"You're incredibly relaxed. Usually girls who haven't had many experiences on horseback squeeze the guts out of both the horse and the rider in front of them."
"Trust me, Merlin; I have no intent to squeeze guts of any kind. The idea is absolutely repulsive."
He gives a hearty laugh, "That is true. I am sorry for bringing guts into our conversation."
I kick his leg, "If you're so sorry, stop mentioning it!" We laugh together as we trod down the streets of Camelot.
As we go through the town, Merlin points out the different houses and tells me little tidbits about the people that inhabit them. I can't help but notice his love for this place and its people. It is woven in his cheery words. He reminds me so much of my father, but without the heavy weight of his duty in his voice. This is probably how he was when he was Merlin's age, lighthearted and spirited all the time, but serious when necessary. When my mother died, my father lost a lot of his zeal. I was the only one to see it, it was only on occasion, and it was when we were alone.
My mother kept my father lively. They fed off each other's energy. They were each other's life source. My father was always telling me how much I am like my mother. I wish his words to be true. My whole life I have had a desire to find in a man what my mother found in my father, and for a man to find in me what my father found in my mother. They were extremely similar in personality, but in the areas where they differentiated, they balanced each other out. I want that. I want someone who empowers me, whom I empower as well. I want a relationship where we can only go forward because with each other we have nowhere to go but up; and if one of us should slip, the other would reach down and pull them up or fall with them, and it wouldn't stop us- being by one another's side would drive us to keep going.
If Merlin is the man that I am thinking that he is, maybe I have found what I have searched for all my life; but I cannot trust to hope. I am fearful of not only my feelings, and myself, but of him and his feelings. I do not want to throw myself at the mercy of another who would probably never look my way in that sense and give him all I have left- me- my heart, my soul, my spirit. To have so much riding on something so delicate is a matter to consider deeply. I want to say, more than anything, I will not give in; but watching him now, I feel as if I have found a new guidance, a new light in Merlin. Perhaps, I have discovered someone to look forward to seeing every morning, who warms me inside and out, makes me smile, and keeps me safe from the coldness that can come in one's life- a new morning sun. On this subject, I cannot make any rash decisions and allow any affectionate whims to establish themselves within me. I do not know if I will even be here, with him, long enough to let them in the first place ...
"I am Bound" (Merlin)
A friendly silence settles between the two of us. A couple of moments that feel like they last an eternity finally pass on by. They end with Rose tightening her grip on me- not to the point where she is really much closer to me, but it is almost as if she is giving me a lasting and light hug. I am relieved she is behind me because I am sure my red cheeks are highly apparent. I can't help but wonder what drove her to cling to me a little more. I know she isn't scared. After what she's been through, a gentle ride would not invoke fear in her. I don't even know what would, to be honest.
Even now as she keeps her arms around me, I am held fast to her by a much greater force than I can reckon with. I fight the urge to shake my head at my mistake of allowing myself to get attached to her in any way. This could get out of hand, and with me in the picture, it could happen very fast. Connecting her with me on even the smallest level that our destinies could allow puts her in imminent danger. Falling in love with her would be a completely different game of the heart. If I lost her, the scars it would leave me with would be unbearable. We will go through much together as it is if everything plays out. It will be a harsh road to travel as acquaintances, let alone friends; but it would be truly magical and far more painful to be anything more. Yet, I cannot stop myself from wanting that.
However, I must resist. To me, it is as if her life depends upon my abstinence. I have a horrid thought sticking in the back of my mind that if anything were to happen between us, she would be taken from me in such a way that I would forever be tainted. It has happened before with other people that I cared for. What's to stop it from happening again? I'll tell you- I will, by controlling my emotions. I have no problem, however, with being whatever kind of friend she needs me to be. To admit love for her (love in the romantic fashion) would be to permit her doom- whether it is there, or not.
As time passes, we continue on, neither one of us breathe a word. A tension surrounds us, not one of enmity, but one that speaks volumes- one that says we are both inwardly contemplating serious things- like knights dealing with how they should approach a battle. I do not need to guess what is on her mind. She knows as well as I that she is bound to me by fate. She has to be; but it has not been said that this is meaning to be requited. The thing that gets me is whether it is fate or my own doing, I am bound to her as well.