"Already Lost" (Rose)
I swallow a sob as Balinor releases his last breath. "No!" Merlin whisper's in such pain. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. He just found his father, and now he was already lost. I grasp his wrist, as he can't even cohesively mumble over the Dragonlord's body.
"Merlin," I cry mutedly.
Arthur digs his sword into the ground, "NO!" he yells, surely thinking that Balinor isn't the only one we've lost, but the whole kingdom with him.
Merlin puts a hand over his mouth, trying to still his emotions. He knows he can't let Arthur see him cry without having to give him an explanation. I let go of him and he wipes his eyes, sniffling in an effort to control himself. He rises and turns to Arthur with a hardened face. Arthur is knelt by Balinor, shaking his head as I smooth my hand over the Dragonlord's hair, falling in curls. "Camelot is doomed," the Prince mutters, almost causing Merlin to lose it again.
We don't even have the time to give him a proper burial. We ride for Camelot almost immediately. I hold on to Merlin tighter than usual, giving him a lasting hug, wanting to tell him I'm sorry and that I'll help him through this, that he can cry. But I know that none of that would be helpful at this moment. He has to keep up appearances. He will have a time to fall apart, and when it comes, I'll be there to pick up the pieces and put him back together.
The road is long and lonely. All of this has reminded me of what it feels like to lose a father, but I at least knew him. I'm not sure which is worse, knowing what you're missing, or missing and not knowing ...
"Despair" (Merlin)
I've never known self-control could be so grueling. I want to burst into tears and punch through a suit of armor. He was right there in front of me and gone the next minute ... It's not fair. I have to keep it up, though. We must deliver our report to Uther. The three of us dutifully traipse to the council.
My heart is heavier than it's ever been and my head is pounding as I take conditioning breaths. Nothing is working to calm the welling despair in my soul. "I'm sorry, father, I have failed you," Arthur proclaims. "The last Dragonlord is dead." I meet Gaius' gaze mirroring hurt and shock. I am a disaster waiting to happen. When the physician looks to the floor, I impulsively reach out and grab my faithful friend's hand. She gives mine a squeeze and I return this with more force to help steady me. I bring my other hand to my mouth briefly. I cannot do this- not now.
"How many years when I might've wished for that news," Uther says gravely.
"All is not lost, Father," Arthur declares with confidence, the king looks at him with hopelessness written on his face. "We have to fight the monster ourselves. So let us ride out and fight on our own terms- on open ground, on horseback, where we can maneuver better."
"There is no point," argues King Uther.
"So what?" Arthur retorts. "We stand here and watch Camelot fall?"
The king nods repeatedly, "You have my blessing ..."
Prince Arthur then spins round, surveying the knights in the room. "I need a dozen knights. Those who do not wish to fight, can do so without stain on their character." He stares from face to burdened face, "For those brave enough to volunteer should know, that the chances of returning are slim."
For a moment, they remain silent, unmoving. Until Sir Leon steps forth and gives his pledge with a nod. Following his example, other knights begin to join him, standing in front of Arthur, willing to give their lives. I turn my eyes to Gaius again, gripping Rose's hand harder, looking and feeling so useless and weak. Every soldier in the room now stands around the Prince in a circle. "Alright," Arthur addresses them and gives their orders. "We ride at sundown."
I take the first chance to escape to our chambers, releasing Rose from my grasp and walking briskly away. I need to get out before I explode.