(( HI, EVERYONE! I would like to formally apologize for 1. sucking. And 2. for falling off the face of the earth. I can make no promises to be faithful to updating this story, but I *am* determined to finish it some day. For those of you who are along for the ride, thank you so, so much for being here. I love this story and won't give up on it! I hope you feel the same. Much love to you all in these trying times. I truly hope you enjoy the updates as they come! But for now, enjoy this chapter! ))

"Without Him" (Rose)

I am somber, to say the least. Merlin flickers his gaze about the chambers, always landing on me with this weighty look of concern.

"He will be on his way shortly," I remark, attempting to ease the worry and failing miserably.

Merlin purses his lips and nods. "Should we -"

"Yes," I respond far too eagerly, full well knowing that he meant watch Gwaine's departure. "Please," I add with dripping sincerity, muting a bit of the hurt expression on Merlin's face from my reaction.

As we gather ourselves to join Arthur who will no doubt be seeing Gwaine off from afar as well, I feel the overwhelming need to explain myself. Before I can, Merlin stops at the door and shoots half a glance over his shoulder. "You care for him."

I take gentle pause before answering, coming up behind him, closing the distance between us. "Yes," I answer truthfully. With a sigh, I weave my forearm through the space between his arm and his torso. "But not in the way you seem to think I do."

He watches me carefully and understanding crosses his face. Unfortunately, not the complete understanding I was entirely hoping would come from this foreign boldness in me, but, for now, it is enough.

I reach my unoccupied hand over and latch on to the same arm, softly urging us forward. I speak as we walk.

"You must understand as well as I do, Merlin, that Gwaine belongs here. I am not entirely sure why he cannot stay now. It hurts me to see anyone alone in the world, wandering about, all the while knowing where they belong, and yet, they cannot be there. It doesn't seem right. So, it hurts to see him go. There is no doubt that I connect with him on some level, but, despite his wily charm, it is nothing more than deeper friendship built on a knowing that only distinct circumstances can bestow. After all, I do ultimately understand his disdain for certain individuals." I shoot a careful look around at the comment.

Merlin meets my eyes, nodding once more. "I understand you both."

"And that's why we like you so much," I smile up at him, and I swear he blushes a bit, which sends my heart spiraling into sparks of warmth that light my belly on fire.

I have never loved and hated a feeling so much.

I shovel those thoughts into the confines of my mind as we finally break apart and approach a slightly sullen looking Arthur in the keep overlooking the lower courtyard.

"It's a shame," says Arthur, "He would have been a great knight."

"Maybe one day he still will," Merlin comments with surety and purpose.

"The rules won't allow it," Arthur quashes, "Knights are noblemen. Always have been, always will be. It's a tradition that-"

Gwen comes into view and begins bidding a caring farewell to Gwaine.

Arthur's peacock feathers are instantly ruffled. "They seem very friendly," he peers down with displeasure.

"Why should you care?" Merlin needles him knowingly.

Arthur looks at Merlin, back at them, and back to Merlin. "I don't." Gwen laughs with Gwaine. "She can do better than that!" Arthur exclaims.

"What, she should be setting her sights…higher?" Merlin "corrects" him. Arthur finds himself caught. "Oh, but I forget, she can't. A girl of Gwen's standing, no. She could never consort with a nobleman. That's the rules."

I finally let my laughter be audible.

Arthur glares, "Merlin."

"Shut up," Merlin finishes his sentence for him.

Arthur nods. "You guessed it."

Gwen kisses Gwaine on the cheek, and in response to Merlin watching with a sarcastic look, Arthur yanks him away. Merlin fights back with a shove and then takes off running. I laugh freely and heartily at their escapades.

"What are we to do with him?" Arthur shouts back to me as I come up behind.

"What would we do without him?" I reply.

"Not Again" (Merlin)

I don't know why I always hope for things to be different with each new experience that comes my way. I think, maybe, just maybe, it won't go back to the same old routine and snarky comments, but it does. Did.

Arthur's already telling me of a group of bandits we must see to first thing in the morning and condescendingly explaining to me the expected dangers of the venture. I haven't even mustered the courage to speak with Rose about what nearly transpired between the two of us, let alone have my nerves settled from Arthur facing certain death for what feels like the millionth time.

Truthfully, his words currently sound much more akin to "blah, blah, blah," than anything coherent. I don't even know that I should say something to Rose. Perhaps it's something that is better left undiscussed. I know for a fact that she, as well as me, does not want to tarnish what we have already by bringing up something that could change it forever. I should probably keep my mouth shut.

"What?" Arthur inquires sharply.

I realize my mouth has dropped open in time with my thoughts. "Nothing," I clamp it shut once more.

He gives me a sarcastic glance dripping with lack of patience, "Right. We leave at first light."

I purse my lips and nod, without a word. This probably strikes him as unusual, but my insides feel too twisted to care.

He gives me a quizzical glance and a hesitant nod in return. I make some sort of weird face in a weak attempt to respond, turn my heel and my mind to my racing thoughts, and head home.

I don't know which route I take or how long it's been - I'm just suddenly at the door.

"It's fine, Merlin," I say aloud. To myself.

The door swings open. A slightly wide-eyed Gaius appears just behind its frame. "Oh, Merlin, it's you."

"Yep, me," I remark nervously.

"Are you going to stand there muttering to yourself, or would you like to come in for supper?" Half a smirk adorns his face.

"Supper would be great - grand, all that good stuff," I laugh and bumble my way past him. My heart and stomach drop in disappointment but are simultaneously relieved when it hits me that Rose is nowhere to be seen.

Apparently, I'm looking all about the room without noticing, longing and dreading to see her face.

"Supper's on the stove - still warm," Gaius comments, then raises a far too knowing eyebrow, "And Rose is in your room."

I awkwardly go over to a bowl and kind of wave it in acknowledgement. I fill it with what's been clearly perfectly portioned for me. Rose knows us so well and always seems to give us exactly enough to fill us, always taking the least amount, which makes sense with her self-sacrificial and petite nature. Every time I take her hand in my own, I'm amazed at how small hers is compared to mine. I know I'm gangly and all, but she's so -

I shake my head and poke at the stew with my spoon. I take a bite.

"Perfect."

"What was that?" Gaius questions.

I need to stop accidentally voicing my thoughts or this next conversation that may or may not happen will not bode well for me.

"Th-the stew is really good, that's all," I swallow hard and avoid his gaze. I proceed to eat far too quickly. Gaius simply adjusts his spectacles and goes back to his reading and concocting with an affirming hum.

In a last ditch effort to seem normal, I add, "I have to go pack."

Gaius looks up at me and nods, as if not really knowing what to do with this information. "Best of luck to you."

"Thanks," I fight back a gulp.

He has no idea how much luck I need.

Or maybe he does.

"Whatever."

NOT AGAIN.

"Really, Merlin, you must speak up."

"No, I really shouldn't," I call over my shoulder as I plunge through the bedroom door.