"Full of Stew" (Rose)

My thoughts are jarred back to the moment as Merlin surges into view. "You shouldn't what?" a small laugh catches in my throat. I feel my heart pounding wildly down to my neck and fingertips.

He pauses in his momentum, and we take in each other's faces for a moment. It's as if we are trying to read each other's thoughts on - well, everything.

I smile, for I cannot help it. He smiles back, first with his eyes and then his lips.

"That's my problem," he shrugs, lifting his hands a bit, palms facing upward.

My laugh seems a bit nervous now. "I'm afraid I missed a vital part of something in order to follow your statements."

"My problem is," he takes a few tentative steps forward. I reassure him by patting the end of my bed and scooting back toward the wall. "That I don't know whether or not I should or shouldn't do or say things a bit too often for my liking." With that, he sits on the bed's edge, setting his elbows bent above his knees and his face propped in his hands.

"I think you'd find that most of us face not knowing what's right to do far more than we ever go into much of anything knowing exactly what we should or should not do," I tuck my knees up under my chin and wrap my arms around my shins.

He sits up and turns to me, hesitantly meeting my eyes. I am suddenly thankful that my knees are hiding most of my face. "You always seem to know exactly what to do and say," he says quietly.

Eased by his sweet words, I lower my legs and swing them over the side of the bed, sitting next to him. "Then I must not be as honest or transparent as you are, Merlin," I finally meet his gaze.

A nervous look adorned with an uncertain smile crosses his face. "Can you see through me now?"

I scoot a bit closer to him and lean in, and, I instantly tense up. I instinctually pull away a bit. I wasn't thinking about what transpired earlier, but getting closer to him sends the memory flooding through my veins. Though his nerves seem to still be getting to him, he doesn't move. I pick up by squinting at him playfully. "Yes. You're full of stew."

He laughs so suddenly and hard he lurches forward. "You got me." We smile at each other and we both relax into the moment. "So, now that you've seen right through me, do you think I should or shouldn't?"

"That's all I get? No details or context?" I laugh, slightly exasperated, even though I could guess what he means. I don't want to assume. If I was wrong, that could be disastrous.

"Just stew," he shrugs with a smirk. "You saw the rest, remember?"

"Well," I begin tentatively. "First of all, is it something you want to do or say?"

He looks to the floor, then cautiously turns to me, eyes tracing lines across my face, "Yes."

Before I get too swept up in his gaze, I blink myself out of the trance. "What's stopping you?"

He takes a long, pensive pause."If there was something you wanted to do more than anything, and it could change everything in the best way or ruin it all, would you think its worth the risk?" He searches my eyes for the answer.

"Would I be quite confident in either extreme?"

"If you were me, you'd be confident in everything changing for the best, but alarmingly aware of potentially ruining or ending lives." He grows more jittery with each passing second, bouncing his right knee up and down.

"Merlin," I catch his attention. "What is this about?"

His eyes remain connected with mine, tension brewing between them. I holdfast, heart smashing itself against the inner walls of my chest. He appears paler than usual.

I don't fight the inclination to take his hand. "Whatever it is, you ought to give yourself the chance at the life you want to live."

He squirms a bit more, gripping my hand a bit tighter than I think he means to, finally breaking eye contact and looking a bit sick. "You understand better than anyone what it means to have such a weighty destiny looming over your head. Would you want to involve anyone in it more than was necessary, especially if that likely meant putting them at further risk than they already were, and if it might change what you have when its already good?" After a moment of dense silence, he shakes his head. "Maybe I should just be satisfied with things as they are."

Though unsure I am understanding correctly, his words sting me in the smallest of ways. I slowly swallow them and some of my own. "Depending on the involvement you mean, don't you think they ought to be able to decide for themselves if its worth risking anything or even everything?"

"That's what I'm afraid of," our eyes connect once more. "Some people are willing to go to any lengths for the ones they care for. Perhaps, I don't want to give anyone the chance to put every aspect of their life on the line for me."

We survey one another, so many words unsaid. I believe he thinks its best they remain that way. I bite down on my lower lip, releasing his hand as mine begins to shake with emotion. "I'm not sure that's fair, Merlin. To you or to anyone else involved. We deserve the chance to choose our own happiness. Our destinies don't get to take that away from us."

His face becomes crestfallen as I let go of his hand and speak. "But they could."

"It doesn't do well to live our lives in fear." I rise to my feet, holding back a heavy sigh. "I think that as long as you keep your heart under wraps, there's every chance you could smother it. But," I finally exhale, shaking my head with disbelief at myself. "I do understand. I cannot honestly say I wouldn't make the same choice."

"Really?" he looks up at me with the tiniest glimmer of hope.

I nod. I know that I would never want Merlin to sacrifice himself for me in any way, shape, or form. He has to be there for Arthur. And, he's right. Some people would do anything for those they cherish. He is one of those people.

He stands and pulls me into a warm embrace. I melt into him, feeling grief wash over me. I might be mourning something that never truly would have existed in the first place. Perhaps if our near miss was more than a fleeting moment of adrenaline, he would be willing to try. To go out on a limb for it. To let me decide to do the same. Maybe he thought that it would be something of a fling, and it would be detrimental to what we had to accomplish together. Or maybe this was about something and someone else entirely.

I push away the thoughts of these things being highly unlikely and slowly pull away. I don't want him to be holding me as I inwardly crumble into millions of pieces.

"Thank you," he mutters softly. "You always find a way to reassure me."

I take a deep breath and force what I'm sure is a pitiful smile. "I can only hope that I am helpful, at least on occasion," I try to joke as I turn away, ignoring the lingering electricity that still pulses between us, busying myself with tidying and shifting items not needing to be moved.

"You're so much more than that," he continues in this quiet tone, almost sounding how my soul feels - desolate. He adds something else in a whisper.

As I look over my shoulder to ask what it was, the bedroom door shuts. The air instantly turns cold and lonely. Hopeless tears slide down my cheeks. I will them away. Perhaps it is I who should be satisfied with things as they are. All I know is I have to hold on.

I don't have a choice.

"Always Will Be" (Merlin)

"You always will be," I say in a breath hardly a whisper as tears gather in the corner of my eyes. I make a hasty exit before she sees. I very quickly babble out some excuse to leave to Gaius and find myself outside alone in a currently abandoned area of the courtyard.

I lean my back into the wall, allowing the tears to flow. I almost told her. I really almost did.

I wanted to.

I just couldn't. Every time I went to open my mouth to say it, horrid visions of losing her flooded through my mind. I'd rather have her in some way than lose her forever. I know she would understand, because she already does. But, if kissing her would mean to her what it would to me, I think I just successfully broke the best heart I've ever known. What worse, that would mean she trusted me with it.

I feel sick.

I remind myself I have to keep her as safe as possible. A romantic entanglement with me has too much of a chance of taking that away. Any chance is too much.

If she feels the way that I do, I'm not sure I've truly done anything to prevent her giving her life up for me. But I believe it was my responsibility, my duty to her, to try. Who knows? Perhaps another Gwaine will come along and sweep her off her feet.

My stomach lurches. I am not helping myself feel any better.

I sit for what seems an eternity, finally gathering myself enough to return. I inform Gaius of the details of my impending journey with Arthur.

I cautiously reenter the bedroom. The candle next to my bed is lit. Rose lies across the room, facing the opposite wall. With her small form discernible in the dim light, it is hard to see if her breathing is rhythmic or if she's feigning sleep. Gaius did not mention anything about her wondering where I went. She might have had to process her own feelings.

It could be that she was simply concerned for me. After all, I went to kiss her. She didn't pull away, but she didn't instigate it. Maybe it truly didn't mean the same to her. Maybe she just didn't know what to do. But she normally waits up for me. If she wasn't hurt -

I tell myself that I really need to stop thinking and then proceed to fail miserably as I pack away my things for the morning. I begrudgingly shove what I need into my pack, blow out my candle, and get an inadequate amount of rest.

I wake before she does, uncertain if I even slept. She doesn't look to have moved at all. I want to tell her what's going on. I want to see her smile once more. I think of leaving her a note. However, like the night before, I say and do nothing I truly wish to and set off with Arthur without so much as a glance behind me.

And like the night before, everything goes horribly and completely wrong.

In order to escape an ambush, we run straight into the Valley of the Fallen Kings. Naturally, we're still pursued, and an arrow impales Arthur in the back. As I desperately try to heal him, I can't help but think that Rose would know exactly what to do. I close my eyes and all I see is her face with a broken expression. Why does everything always fall apart all at once?

I don't even know why I am as unnerved as I am to be washing Arthur's blood from my palm. Something deep within my gut is screaming that this can't be it, but I almost always feel that I am wrong. I fight and choke back my sobs anyway.

A voice jars me back to the moment. "Tell me," the kindly sounding man begins. "Why are you so sad?"

I gaze at him untrustingly, his appearance easing me somewhat, as he seems sincere. "It's my friend - he's dying." I take pause. "And I can't help him."

"Then do not waste your tears, for I can tell you that the time for him to die is not yet upon us," he replies matter of factly. My spirits tentatively and strangely begin to lift. He approaches me and makes his way over to Arthur, leaves crunching underfoot. I follow him without hesitation.

"Don't be afraid," he comments. "My name is Taliesin."

"I'm Merlin."

"I know who you are," his response almost tops over my introduction. "The moment of our meeting has been written for many, many years." He kneels at Arthur's side, swiftly surveying him. "You are Emrys," he turns to me.

I do not confirm or deny but watch his movements carefully as he puts Arthur on his side and places his own hand over Arthur's wound. He recites an incantation, and Arthur immediately stirs, demonstrating richer signs of life. "Arthur?" I try to rouse him to complete consciousness with my voice.

"He is sleeping," Taliesin informs. "Within hours, he will be fully recovered."

"You're sure?" I question, not daring to hope.

"If my memory serves me well," he states, hiding a deeper meaning.

"What do you mean?" I quiz further as he looks at me.

"I want to show you something, Merlin," and with that, he starts to wander away.

"What?" I ask, hesitantly beginning to trudge after him.

"You must wait and see," he says, almost sounding amused.

I stop for a split second, then quickly catch up to him.

He leads me into a denser area of the forest and up to a narrow cave entrance.

An odd feeling washes over me as we near it. "Where are we going?" He does not answer. "Why have you brought me here?" My nerves gather and tingle at the back of my neck.

He faces me at the sharply arched nook. "In good time you will discover all," he chuckles, gesturing me forward.

He does not seem to be the origin of my nerves, so I step forward, believing he means no harm. I cautiously enter, finding that the darkness does not swallow me as I assumed it would. I step through into a room riddled with magnificent crystals. I can feel deep and powerful magic radiating all around me.

"What is this place?" my voice leaks out with wonder, curiosity, and a twinge of fear.

"This is where magic began," Taliesin explains. "It is the Crystal Cave."

I shakily look around and step forward. A shocking sensation of familiarity pumps through me causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up. Glancing around the room, my darting eyes finally lock on a crystal set in the stone, sending my heart into a frenzy and my mind into a whirlwind.